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stardustshelb · 9 months

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"If It Kills Me" - Jake One Shot

TW: Language. Your name (female) + Jake. 6,339 words.

The song "If It Kills Me" by Jason Mraz inspired me to write this story; each part of the story is inspired by a different part of the song.

Part One

"It would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face,

To know that I know that you know now.

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking.

You know nothing." - JM

You’re sending me one-worded texts. You’re probably busy. At least that’s what I’m telling myself because why else would you be responding like you’re mad at me? I haven’t done anything to make you angry. If you knew I was spiraling and overthinking like this, you’d probably throw in an emoji, a gif, something to ease my mind. I decided to stop dwelling on the “ok” and “lol” replies and put my phone away. I’m clearly distracted and the last thing I need is Danny getting angry if I throw the tempo off again.

“Let’s run through that one more time,” Josh said into the microphone. I normally am the serious one who takes control of our practices, but I wasn’t feeling it today. We were going on four hours of rehearsal for our upcoming tour. I was exhausted because I stayed up too late, but that’s the sacrifice you make when the love of your life lives in a different time zone. I listened to Danny count us in, “One, two, three, four,” and began playing my guitar. I tried to focus on the music but thoughts of you kept creeping in.

When rehearsal finally ended, I checked my phone hoping to see your name on my screen. Nope. You left me on read. Thousands of notifications plague my screen but the one notification I was looking for was nonexistent. I started replaying the last parts of our conversation last night; if you were mad at me for something I said, I truly couldn’t remember. I put my phone in my back pocket and finished packing my stuff up for the day. We had to be back bright and early tomorrow, so thankfully I didn’t have to pack up all of my pedals and amps.

“What are you doing tonight?” Sam asked as he held out a ruby grapefruit White Claw to me.

“It’s barely 2:00 in the afternoon, man,” I said as I waved his offer away. “Uh, I’m probably going to take it easy tonight and stay in.”

“That’s what you did last night,” Sam said as he shifted his weight to his other foot. He was clearly bummed that I wasn’t up for hanging out.

“Yeah, well, I’m trying to savor my nights at home before I spend them all on the road,” I said with a shrug. I loved touring and playing music more than anything, but I also loved sleeping in my own bed. I just wished you were here to share it with me.

“If you change your mind, call me,” he said as he placed the unopened White Claw down near my boot. He walked away before I could respond. I stared at the can and then grabbed it before walking out to the parking lot.

When I got home, I took a quick shower and laid on the couch scrolling through the pictures in my camera roll. Our social media team has made several remarks lately that my Instagram was too “dry” and our fans were begging for more content from me. I never really pay much attention to the demands of keeping up an online presence on social media. I scrolled back to March of this year and smiled as I looked at the pictures from our quick trip to the beach. It was the last time we were able to spend time together as just the two of us. We spent four days secluded from the outside world in a condo in Santa Barbara. It was the highlight of my year. I found a picture you took of me when I was staring out into the sunset. My jeans were rolled up to my shins to keep from getting wet as the waves rolled in. I remember the water was so cold I thought my toes were going to turn black. You don’t smoke anymore, but you took a hit (or two) on the joint hanging out of my mouth. I didn’t know you took the picture of me at the time, but I’m thankful you did. If only you knew that at that moment I was cursing the sun for leaving and robbing us of another day together.

The night passed by quickly. I still hadn’t heard from you and I was trying not to worry. It wasn’t like we were always in constant contact with our busy work schedules, but you should have texted me by now. I was fighting my eyelids to stay awake. I knew you had been working night shifts at the hospital recently, but I knew you were off. Our three-hour time difference really made things difficult for my sleep schedule. While it was almost 2 a.m. for me, I knew you would be awake and scrolling through your plethora of social media apps before getting ready for bed.

I had an idea that normally worked when I needed a desperate way to grab your attention. I opened my Instagram app for the first time in weeks and hit the plus sign to make a post. I scrolled back to the picture you took of me on the beach and typed the caption, “The fleeting daylight gave me liberation though I longed for staying a captive on the sand.” I hit send and waited for the trap I set to work. I knew you had my Instagram notifications turned on.

I chuckled as I read the comments from fans who always posted the most unhinged shit. Even though my motive was to get a response from you, I still enjoyed reading the interesting comments. And as if I knew you better than you knew yourself, I suddenly was on the receiving end of your FaceTime call.

“Hey,” I said as I propped the phone up on the pillow next to me. I fought the urge to display a smug smile.

“You have a typo in your Instagram caption,” you said. You had a toothbrush hanging out the side of your mouth and your hair was wrapped up in a towel.

“Do I?” I asked, playing dumb. Any time I needed a response from you, posting a typo on social media worked 9 times out of 10. Josh just thinks I’m an idiot at this point.

“It doesn’t even make sense,” you said as you leaned down to spit off camera.

“Fine, I’ll fix it,” I said as I reopened the app to make an edit to the caption.

“You could have at least given me photographer credits,” you said. I fixed the typo and opened your FaceTime back so I could see your beautiful face full screen. You weren’t paying me any attention as you were doing your nighttime skincare routine. I didn’t care because I was still able to admire you.

“You and I both know the insanity that would ensue if I tagged you in anything,” I said with a sigh.

“That’s true,” you said.

“I miss the beach,” I said but fought to replace beach with the word you. Though, you would have seen it all over my face if you were looking at me.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t talk much today,” you said.

“I was beginning to think you were mad at me,” I admitted.

“Why would I be mad at you?” you asked as you suddenly stopped rubbing moisturizer into your skin. You stopped looking at yourself in the mirror and stared at your phone–stared at me. I tried to remember what I was saying.

“I–uh–well, you know, you didn’t respond for hours, and uh, when you did, it was um–” I knew I was tripping over my words. I felt my face getting warm because I was flustered.

“I’m not mad at you, Jake. At least not at the moment,” you said with a wink.

“You know I get into my head sometimes,” I said as I smoothed my hair back.

“Better than anyone. Ok, well, I wanted to pop on real quick to tell you good night,” you said. I could tell you were about to wrap up the call. I hated saying goodbye but I needed to sleep too.

“Good night, y/n” I said as I watched you finish drying your hair.

“Good night, Jake,” you said before hanging up.

“I love you,” remained silently on my lips.

Part Two

"Well you and I,

Why, we go carrying on for hours on end.

We get along much better,

Than you and your boyfriend." - JM

“You look like shit,” Josh said. Once again, another sleepless night robbed me of any rest and relaxation before another full morning of rehearsal. Thoughts of you mixed with anticipation for the new tour had my mind racing.

“Yeah, well, we’re twins,” I said as I stirred my coffee. “So, I guess you look like shit too.” I was fighting the urge to add a little whiskey to it if this was how practice was going to go.

“This is the last practice of the week, so let’s not fuck around and waste any time today,” he added.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I questioned. I didn’t like what he was implying.

“It means get your head out of your ass and finish your coffee so we can get started,” he said. I could sense Josh was angry about something, but there was no telling with him. The smallest inconvenience could set him off. I bit my tongue and let him have his moment of misdirected anger. I finished my cup of coffee and started to plug in my guitar.

“Yesterday we stopped after ‘Frozen Light’ so let’s move on through the rest of the set list,” I said.

“Well, then you’re plugging in the wrong guitar,” Josh said. Confused, I glanced at the taped setlist on my side of the stage and realized our B stage performance was next.

“Oh, yeah,” I said.

“You would know that if you paid any attention yesterday,” Josh said under his breath.

“What the fuck is your problem this morning?” I asked.

“Guys,” Sam said as he stepped in to diffuse the situation. That’s what the three of us did. Whoever was the one outside of the conflict always stepped in to help calm the other two down. But truth be told, it was normally Sam who worked as the middle man. “I’m not acting as the rope for your game of tug-of-war today.” My heart strings pulled a little for my younger brother as I threw my cup of coffee in the trash.

Rehearsal went by a lot quicker today than it did yesterday. I’m sure it was because anger fueled me not to waste a single moment of time so I didn’t have to be here any longer than I had to be. I was looking forward to a couple days off. I wondered if I could make a quick trip to California to see you this weekend.

“Hey,” I heard Josh’s voice from behind me. I continued to pack up my stuff instead of turning around to face him.

“I’m sorry, Jake,” he said. I stopped messing with my cords and sighed before turning around.

“It’s ok,” I said when I met his eyes.

“I’m stressed about the tour and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you,” he said. Any ounce of anger I had instantly evaporated. I could tell he needed a hug so I pulled him in. Normally he was the one to initiate physical contact, but I knew what he needed.

“Are you sticking around here for the weekend?” I asked as I let go of our embrace.

“I’m not sure. What about you?” Josh responded.

“I may explore the west coast for a couple days,” I said, rubbing my chin.

“Jake…” Josh’s voice sounded like a warning.

“What?” I asked. He sighed and shook his head, clearly not saying what he wanted to say.

“Tell y/n I said hi,” he said.

“I never said I was going to see her,” I said.

“You didn’t have to,” he added.

“It’s not a good weekend,” you said. Your words immediately broke my heart and I struggled to hold the phone in my hand. I called to see if I could come stay and visit because I hadn’t seen you in nearly three months.

“I thought you said you were off most of this week,” I said, trying to mask the sadness in my voice.

“I am,” you said.

“So why can’t I come? I miss the beach. I miss you,” the words escaped my mouth before I realized it.

“I have plans this weekend,” you said. I could tell you didn’t want to volunteer any more information and that I was going to have to ask to get any details.

“One day on the beach with me is all I ask,” I practically begged.

“Nathan and I are going out of town,” you said. There it was. The reason you were being so short and vague. You knew how I felt about him; I just wish you knew how I felt about you.

“He’s still around?” I asked.

“Jake, I’m not having this conversation again,” you said. I could hear the frustration in your voice.

“Where are you guys going?” I asked. I really didn’t want to know any details because I didn’t want to think about Nathan any more than I had to. I was struggling to play nice.

“He’s taking me to his parents’ house in Malibu,” you said. I felt my chest tighten.

“You’re meeting his parents?” I asked.

“Yes, Jake. Is that ok with you?” you asked sarcastically.

“You know you don’t need my permission for anything. I can’t say the same for Nathan,” I added. I tasted the bitterness of my insult. You didn’t immediately respond so I knew my words made an impact. I then heard you speaking but I couldn’t tell what you were saying. The sound was muffled as if your hand was covering the phone.

“Hello?” I asked. I continued listening to the muffled conversation and realized he was currently there with you. I couldn’t make out what you two were saying but I was growing more and more frustrated by the second. “Y/n?” I asked again, hoping for a response, but I continued to sit on the metaphorical back burner.

“Sorry about that,” you said. “Hey, I’ve got to finish packing but I will call you tomorrow.”

“Sure, of course. I will talk to you tomorrow,” I said as you ended the call.

I made myself a drink and debated calling one of the guys to come over and hangout. It was only 8:00 p.m. but I felt the exhaustion from the last two days taking its toll on me. Well, the tequila in my drink probably didn’t help. I figured I should take advantage of some extra hours of sleep. I polished off my glass and slowly shuffled to my bedroom. I put my phone on the charger and collapsed into my bed. For once, I didn’t have to lie awake as I slowly sunk into the pillow.

Part Three

"How long, can I go on like this,

Wishing to kiss you

Before I rightly explode?

Well this double life I lead isn't healthy for me.

In fact, it makes me nervous.

If I get caught, I could be risking it all." - JM

I didn’t realize that I slept for over 14 hours when I rolled over to check the time on my phone. Both my body and my mind really needed to rest. I scrolled through the notifications on my screen with tired eyes until I spotted two missed calls from you. As if you were a shot of espresso, I was immediately awake. You didn’t leave me a voicemail but you had called me at what would be 1 a.m. your time. I sat up straight and nervously called you back.

“Hello?” you answered on the first ring. Your voice sounded strange.

“Hey, I’m sorry I missed your calls last night. What’s going on?” I asked.

“If you’re still wanting to come to California, I’m free,” you said.

“I’ll be on the next flight,” I said as I hurried to get out of bed.

“Thanks, Jake,” you said. I could tell you were on the verge of tears, so I decided not to press for any details yet. We could talk it out once I got there.

I landed in Santa Barbara just after 7 p.m. and headed through the small California airport. It was surprisingly easy finding a last-minute flight, but it wasn’t easy getting through the airport. Even today, I am still taken aback by the attention I receive from fans. I texted you to find out where to meet you and made my way down the escalator. I was only staying for two nights so I threw everything I needed into my backpack. I can travel light. I waited outside and kept my head down until I saw your car rolling up. To my surprise, Nathan was in the passenger seat. I felt sick. You immediately jumped out of the car and ran straight to me. I wanted to pick you up and spin you around, but I knew that would not make a great first impression with your boyfriend.

“I’m so happy to see you!” you squealed as I lingered in your welcoming embrace. Everything I had planned to say to you was no longer relevant now that he was here.

“I’m happy to be here,” I said as you finally let go. I could feel Nathan staring at us but I kept my eyes locked on your beautiful face. Your naturally long eyelashes fluttered and I swore I stopped breathing.

“Are you hungry?” you asked.

“Famished, actually,” I said, realizing all I’ve eaten today were the free snacks the airline gives you.

“Good because I made lasagna,” you said as you stood on your tiptoes.

“Did you follow your famous recipe?” I asked.

“From a box?” you asked with a laugh.

“Shh, we pretend, remember?” I asked. Before you could respond, we both jumped at the sound of your car horn. Nathan’s impatience seemed to get the best of him. I grinded my teeth before taking a deep breath. So much for first impressions.

“Come on,” you said as you rolled your eyes and laughed. I relaxed my fingers, which I didn’t realize were balled up into a fist, before following you to your car. I slid into the backseat and channeled my inner Josh so I could act like I was excited about meeting Nathan.

“Hey, man. I’m Jake,” I said, sticking my arm out to shake his hand. He turned around and looked at me like I was covered in dirt.

“Hello, Jake,” he said, finally grabbing my hand unenthusiastically. “I’m Dr. Turner.” Give me a break. You got into the car and smiled when you saw us shaking hands.

“Oh good, I didn’t have to do the introductions,” you said with a wink.

I learned your weekend trip to Malibu was canceled when Nathan–or Dr. Turner–found out he needed to be on call at the hospital last minute. I could tell you were disappointed, but I’m not sure if that was the reason you sounded like you were crying on the phone this morning. I made a mental note to ask you about it when we had some privacy. I knew Nathan was staying for dinner but I was praying to whatever God who was listening that he wouldn’t be staying the night as well. I needed alone time with you.

When we got back to your place, I made my way to your guest room to put my backpack up. I checked in with the guys to let them know I had made it safely to your place. I guess news of me being in California was all over Twitter and Instagram because our social media manager sent me screenshots of some pictures I took with fans in the airport. I knew we’d have to lay low now that I was here to keep your identity hidden. The last thing you or I needed were pictures of us circulating online with rumors. I started to make my way out of the bedroom when I stopped in the doorway. I could hear you and Nathan having what sounded like an argument, and I didn’t want to interrupt. I leaned in closer to the hallway to eavesdrop.

“He can’t get a hotel room?” Nathan asked.

“I’m not making my best friend stay in a hotel,” you said as you closed the oven door.

“He can afford it,” he said with a scoff.

“I don’t concern myself with other people’s finances, Nathan. You know that. People could say the same thing about me dating a doctor,” you said. I rolled my eyes.

“I just don’t like the idea of another guy staying the night with you,” he said.

“He’s not staying with me. He’s sleeping in another room. Plus I’ve known Jake almost my entire life. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve slept under the same roof,” you said.

“I would feel more comfortable if I were here too,” he said. I felt my blood start to boil.

“Please trust me, Nathan. I’ve never given you a reason not to,” you said. I couldn’t handle listening any longer so I made my way out of the hallway and walked into the kitchen. When you saw me, you pulled away from Nathan. I’m not sure if you noticed–but both he and I did. I’m sure that unconscious movement only fueled his insecurities even more.

Dinner went better than one would expect. It appears everyone–including myself–is a great actor. One would have never guessed Nathan didn’t want me there with the way he was asking me questions about my life with the band. If I didn’t know half of what I already knew about him, I’d think he was a pretty good guy. You beamed watching the two of us converse. I gazed at your full lips across the table as they broke into a smile. I wanted nothing more than to kiss them.

“Nothing like a home-cooked meal,” you said with a laugh. I gave you a soft smile.

“Stouffer’s is a specialty with this one,” Nathan said, pulling you into a side hug. “I’m hoping she’ll learn her way around a kitchen eventually.”

“I will take anything that’s not fast food at this point,” I said. I stared at the glass mason jar of strawberry lemonade you so kindly made AKA mixed Crystal Light with water. I knew you had a busy schedule at the hospital and worked so hard as a nurse. And I knew you had to fend a lot for yourself growing up. I was just proud that you made a life for yourself and lived unapologetically. I didn’t care that you never took an interest in cooking. You never tried to be anyone but yourself and I loved that about you.

“Well, it would be nice to have something that wasn’t full of preservatives every once in a while,” Nathan said with a laugh. I looked up to meet his eyes and if looks could kill, he’d be a goner. You sensed my sudden change in mood and laughed at his joke–a laugh that you and I both knew was fake and forced.

“I’m a great cook, actually. What about you Nathan?” I said.

“A man’s place doesn’t belong in the kitchen. Plus, I’m too busy with surgeries and–” he was saying.

“The 1900s called. They want their sexist views back,” I joked. You let out a wild laugh, one that was so not fake. I watched Nathan squirm in his seat before forcing a smile. Before he could respond, the ringing of his work phone distracted us.

“Great,” he muttered before excusing himself from the table. When he was out of the room, you and I locked eyes and you started that wild laugh again.

“Jacob Thomas Kiszka, you are horrible,” you said. I loved when you used my full name.

“What kind of backwards ideology is that?” I asked. I wasn’t joking anymore.

“He was raised differently,” you said, smoothing the napkin in your lap.

“Does he call his mom Mother? Be honest,” I said, biting my lip to keep from laughing.

“Jake…” you said.

“Holy shit, he does!” I exclaimed. We both were laughing hysterically when Nathan came back into the room.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“Jake just told me a funny story,” you said nervously.

“I like to laugh,” Nathan said as he joined us at the table.

“Do you have to leave, darling?” you asked. I could taste the bile in my throat after hearing you call him that.

“Yeah, here in a second. I want to hear this hilarious story first,” he said as he met my stare.

“It’s really an inside joke. You wouldn’t–” you started.

“I’m waiting,” Nathan said, not breaking my eye contact. Just then, I fantasized about stabbing him in the neck with the fork in my hand.

“I was telling y/n the story about how Josh–that’s my brother–sometimes acts in his diva persona,” I was trying to come up with something on the fly. I’m sure anyone with a brain would know I was lying, but I kept going. “And when he’s this super bitch–his words–he makes life hell for us all.”

“And that’s…funny?” Nathan asked.

“If you knew him, yes,” I said.

“Right. Well, I’ve been called in for surgery. Another with cirrhosis of the liver. They’re a dime a dozen nowadays,” Nathan said. It was hard to believe he was talking about another human life. I wouldn’t want someone who didn’t see value in another person’s soul operating on me. He wouldn’t give a shit if I lived or died. I’d be just another body on the operating table to him. “That’s why I’ve encouraged y/n to stop drinking. Nasty stuff. Jake, you should consider it too.”

“Thanks for the medical advice, doc,” I said.

“I’m serious. Alcohol is poison. But then again, so are all of the preservatives we consume in our instant lemonades and frozen lasagnas, so what the hell do I know?” he laughed. Nobody laughed along with him this time.

“I’ll walk you out,” you said as you pushed yourself away from the table. I wasn’t sure if you were needing a break from yet another one of his passive aggressive insults, or if you were trying to get him away from me before I did something that would put me behind bars for the rest of my life.

Part Four

"If I should be so bold,

I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

I'd tell you from the start how I longed to be your man.

But I never said a word,

I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again." - JM

We spent the rest of the evening sitting on your couch and catching up. We talked every day but having this time with you in person felt completely different. You wanted to know everything about our new tour and I could feel the excitement radiating off of you.

“Will you be there opening night?” I asked.

“You know I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” you said. “I have a confession.”

“Oh?” I asked as I moved closer to you.

“I have a bottle of tequila stashed in the cabinet above the refrigerator,” you whispered.

“You know how I feel about alcohol, and don’t even get me started on preservatives,” I said sarcastically. You threw a pillow at me before jumping up to grab it. I watched you climb on top of your kitchen counter to be able to reach your hidden contraband. You jumped down off the counter and ran back to join me on the couch with the forbidden bottle of tequila tucked under your arm.

“If you can guess my favorite song off the new album, I will take a shot. If you get it wrong, you have to take a shot,” you said, holding the bottle out to me.

“So I have a 90% chance of taking a shot,” I said, raising an eyebrow.

“The odds are definitely in my favor,” you said with a laugh. I studied your face for a moment. I wanted to tell you how you were the inspiration for my most favorite song that I’ve ever written. Josh heard it once and knew it belonged on the album. I wanted to explain how my time on the beach with you earlier this year inspired the story behind the song. Every word, every line to the song “Waited All Your Life” was written about you. You were the song. But how could I ever admit that?

“Runway Blues?” I guessed. I knew it wouldn’t be it. And for a moment, I swear a look of disappointment flashed across your face for a brief moment.

“Nope! Take a shot!” you said as you proudly held the bottle to me.

“What was the right answer?” I asked as I unscrewed the lid. I put the bottle to my lips and wondered when it touched yours last.

“‘Waited All Your Life’ is my favorite,” you said with a soft smile. I felt my chest tighten at your admission and took a shot of tequila straight from the bottle.

“Mine too,” I said so quietly I wondered if you even heard me. “Hey, can we go to the beach tomorrow? Just the two of us?”

“Yeah, that sounds perfect,” you said as you grabbed the bottle from me. You took a shot and I envied the bottle that got to kiss your lips.

After talking and laughing for several hours on the couch, you got a text from Nathan that the surgery went well and he was headed home for the night.

“Home as in…?” I asked.

“Home as in his own home. We don’t live together, Jake,” you said as you looked up at me under your lashes.

“I know, I know,” I said as I sighed with relief. You screwed the lid back on the bottle of tequila before climbing back up to stash it away for another time. When you came back into the living room, you stood at the end of the couch and yawned. Unfortunately, I knew what was coming.

“I think we should call it a night,” you said. I didn’t want this night to end. Carpe noctem.

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired,” I lied.

“Don’t set an alarm. Sleep in and we’ll go to the beach whenever we feel like it tomorrow,” you said. I didn’t want to sleep at all. I didn’t want to waste a single moment when I’m here with you.

“Ok, sounds like a plan,” I said as I stood up. I walked closer to you and I watched you suck in a breath.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” you said quietly.

“Me too,” I said as I wrapped my arms around you.

“Good night, Jake,” you said.

“Good night, y/n,” I whispered.

After my shower, I laid on the bed in the guest bedroom and stared at the ceiling fan for what felt like an eternity. Thoughts of you, thoughts of us, thoughts of Nathan, the beach, tequila, and your song clouded my mind. I wanted to get out of bed and knock on your bedroom door. I wanted to admit every thought and feeling I’ve hidden from you for years. I wanted to admit how I’ve kept this secret from you for so long and it kills me nearly every day. I wanted to cry and scream and then cry some more. I wanted to hold you. But I just laid there and stared at the ceiling fan as the blades moved in a perfect rotation. Maybe tomorrow I’d admit these things to you. Maybe when we’re on the beach I’d finally find courage amongst the waves. I closed my eyes and let the hope for tomorrow guide my dreams for tonight.

Part Five

"And all I really want to do is to feel you.

It's a feeling inside that keeps building.

I will find a way to you if it kills me.

If it kills me.

It might kill me." - JM

I helped unload your adirondack chairs from the back of your car when we found a spot on the beach that was secluded from both the locals and the tourists. There was a walk-up bar not too far from us, but still far enough away that we felt like we were the only two people on the beach. I kept my sunglasses on as I faced the ocean, admiring the sunlight reflecting off the water. I watched you apply your sunscreen and waited for you to ask me to help you apply it to your back and neck.

“Do you mind helping?” you asked, turning away from me and moving your hair to the side. I grabbed the bottle and started to rub the lotion on your back. I took my time because I wanted to feel every inch of your soft skin.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked as I continued rubbing the sunscreen on your shoulders. I finally felt enough courage to ask about the phone call since I couldn’t see your eyes.

“Always,” you said.

“When I talked to you on the phone yesterday morning… You sounded like you were crying,” I quietly admitted. I waited for you to say something but the silence lingered in the air.

“I was,” you said.

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t really want to talk about it, Jake,” you said as you dropped your head. I stared at the back of your neck waiting for the right words to come to me.

“You know you can talk to me about anything,” I said.

“I know,” you said. I put my hands on your shoulders and pulled for you to turn to face me. When you met my eyes, I could see they were hiding something.

“Y/n, what’s bothering you?” I asked. You sighed as you put your sunglasses on, attempting to camouflage your emotions.

“Nathan and I got into an argument that night and I called you in the heat of the moment. But we worked it out by the time you called me back the next morning. I was still upset and just needed to see my best friend,” you said as you reached out to squeeze my hand. “I miss you so much.”

“Loving a music man ain’t always what it’s supposed to be,” I sang a line from one of your favorite Journey songs as I let your hand stay in mine. I knew what I had to do to make you smile.

“Oh, girl, you stand by me,” you sang playfully. You loved when I sang, especially when it was a song off of your comfort playlist.

“I’m forever yours,” I sang back to you, meaning every word I said.

“Faithfully,” you sang as you let go of my hand. I wanted the lyrics to be true for you like they were for me. You laid your head back on your chair and basked in the sunlight.

“Y/n?” I asked.

“Mhm?” you replied, still sunbathing.

“I–” I began, but stopped speaking when your phone started ringing.

“Sorry, this is work,” you said as you fished your phone out of your tote bag. I watched your face turn to disappointment behind the sunglasses. “Hello?” you said as you answered. You got up and walked away to take the phone call. I turned my attention away from you and looked out toward the waves. I knew our time together was ending quicker than I wanted it to. I was supposed to fly back home first thing tomorrow morning, and we were supposed to spend the entire day together on the beach, but my gut told me those plans were about to change. Being a musician, I was no stranger to abrupt changes and I quickly learned how to adapt to the unexpected. Nothing in my life ever goes according to plan anymore. I glanced your direction and watched you pace back and forth, still talking to whoever it was on the phone. I turned back toward the water and savored what I knew would be my final moments here on the beach. Another chance I would never take washed away on the shore line. I wiped the tear that escaped my eye as you walked back toward your empty chair. You didn’t have to say it; I knew.

“I am so sorry, Jake,” you began.

“Do we need to go?” I asked.

“Yes,” you said with a sigh. Without another word, I stood up and helped grab the chairs to make our way back to your car.

“Please feel free to stay in my house until I get back. I only have to go in for a few hours to help locate and fix some medical charts that got mishandled. I don’t have to work a full shift tonight,” you said.

“Sure, of course,” I lied. I’d be searching for the next flight out of California the second you walked out the door. I knew you would be upset that I planned to leave without a proper goodbye, but I left what I needed to say out on the beach. The waves carried my broken heart back to the ocean. My unspoken words would forever remain buried in the sand.

Eventually, I would find my way back there when you were ready to hear them.

It wasn’t our time, yet. And it kills me that maybe it never will be.

The End

#greta van fic #greta van fleet #jake kiszka #jake gvf #sad thoughts #sad stories #if it kills me #jason mraz #jacob thomas kiszka

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beautifulpersonpeach · 9 months

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Hi BPP. I have a question running through my mind lately, and I think it’s a little bit stupid, a little bit legit. I read your thoughts and like your opinions. I think you’re one of the best people who could answer, if not the most appropriate one. Sorry if it sounds dumb, tho.

I’ve been into kpop for a while, now. I can’t say i know the way it works, i can’t say i’m a master of it. But i notice things. I notice the big big impact fanservice has in the industry, for example. It’s literally fundamental. There are a few few companies with sex-mixed groups. Put them apart, the majority are same sex groups. Because with opposite genders in the same group there could be problems, unease, relationships etc.

Then they push same sex fantasies with fanservice and amplified skinship (already present in Korea). And until this point, everything is normal. I mean, we know things work this way.

But here i already notice a controversy. Homophobia is present and rooted in Korea and in the industry, but still they push gay narratives/don’t do anything to debunk them. So they try to “feed” everyone, people who like gay scenarios/moments included.

Then i think about girl groups. Twice, black pink. There’s a lot of explicit touching, explicit affirmations (i like you, your body is stunning, let’s go on a date, you make me blush etc). There’s in bts too, the guys did some nasty things too on cameras, i know. But with girl groups, you can easily notice it’s made up for the cameras but it still happens, and unless i’m missing it, i never saw someone hating or heavily hating on members because of it. Because of some easily misunderstanable sentences/acts.

The same goes for boy groups. I’m thinking of ateez. On of the members (i’m not into them so i don’t know his name) loudly read a comment saying “marry (insert another member’s name)”. And he said “you want me to marry *? You know it’s illegal here”. Then i’m thinking of enyphen, again, i’m not into them, but i saw this clip of two members going live and reading comments about them being a couple/being romantically involved. Shipping.

I’m sorry this is gonna be a long one, but before making my point i need to say these things.

Then we have Somi. She explicitly said she has a lot of women flirting with her, and she said she wants to conquer women too. She said she likes Han SoHee and dmed her on insta, but she didn’t reply. She even kissed Hyuna in a video posted on the internet less than a month ago.

Then we have Bibi. She kisses girl fans during her concerts and pictures of it are shared everywhere. She’s still famous, all of these people i’m mentioning are famous, are known, are in the korean spotlight, more or less. And their careers are not fucked up. Sometimes it’s fanservice, some others it’s who they are. Somi really likes women too, imo, and Bibi as well.

I get that for women it might be easier. There’s a group (a big group) of people who prefers gay interactions between women than gay interactions between men. They find it pleasing, and it’s an homophobic, toxic masculinity and women fetishization related preference.

But still, most people are fine with it. Yeah someone probably criticized it, probably hated on them because of these behaviours, but at the end of the day everything is fine for them.

I’m thinking about J-Hope too, who has gay friends and publicly shares pictures with them. He even visited a gay club and, again, probably some people criticized him for it and i’m just not on that side of the internet and the fandom, but at the end of the day his career is not gonna end because of it. Most People are fine with that too. He wears nail polish, tae does too. Can you imagine Jm or Jk doing that publicly? The hate they’d get? Maybe i’m wrong and it wouldn’t be like that; but that’s how i feel.

Then i think about Holland. His coming out had a huge impact on his career, his life. The aggressions he was victim of; his music not being so followed and famous, probably also because of said coming out.

I think about every kpop artist who is closeted and can’t say it. I think about Jikook, about Jimin who had to “play” with colors, lyrics, temporary tattoos and playful interviews (such as the “I think he likes men-> I don’t like you” one) in order to silently whisper that he’s not straight. That there’s more he can’t show.

And then Jikook in general. They could never afford to do what ateez and enhypen did. Never, bpp. We know that. So why?

Why is there this difference, why is it so… difficult for me to get how this works. Why can they do it, but Jikook can’t? But bts can’t? Why is there a limit for some idols, and some others are almost completely free? What am I missing?

I hope my question is clear, bpp. I really do, because i feel like i made a mess here all over the place. I’m sorry about it, thank you for reading this, if you did.

I appreciate you🫶

***

Hi Anon,

Don’t apologize.

So if I’m reading this right, you’re asking why the reaction to jikook showing queer expression is so much more negative than you see it for anyone else / other duos and groups?

Or, maybe quoting you is better:

“And then Jikook in general. They could never afford to do what ateez and enhypen did. Never, bpp. We know that. So why?”

I’m not sure if what I’ll say will make sense, and this might seem silly, but I think one reason jikook/BTS appear to have fewer liberties on things like explicit/overt shows of love/attraction between them, even under the umbrella of ‘fan service’ and compared to other groups, is because BTS is the biggest group in the world. Just by virtue of the group’s prominence, BTS being very closely tied with several government appointments and massive brands in Korea (Samsung and Hyundai)… there’s a greater expectation of conformity for them compared to other groups. There’s just more at stake for them.

I mean, do you recall the lead up to the enlistment news? How people were picking them apart, people who didn’t think they should be exempt where digging into their old footage trying to find anything to turn public opinion against the group. It was kinda crazy. In that sort of environment and in any case, the prudent thing would be to wait till after military service to expect more freedom in expression for a boy group. And perhaps that’s what we’ll see with jikook and BTS in general come 2026.

But also, the thing is, jikook have still been quite loud… in some ways even louder than Somi’s declarations (but certainly not Holland’s and the cost to him and any openly gay artist is apparent to see). GCF in Tokyo is so loud, it couldn’t be louder if JK got a megaphone, climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower and screamed that he loves Jimin in the four cardinal directions. No matter what anybody says about GCF in Tokyo, that video itself is very clear and it says it all.

Then there’s the gesture of Jimin flying from Paris to Korea just to spend some time with Jungkook on his birthday, and then more recently, flying to NYC to be with JK during Seven debut. There’s the way their families treat them both. There’s that OT7 live where Jimin kept one half of his body literally glued to Jungkook’s on the couch, hooking his arms to keep their thighs together that not even air could pass between them. Then there’s fucking Rosebowl, pardon my French.

Like, even with all the scrutiny, jikook have still been able to say what they actually want about what they each mean to each other. Jimin is usually private and careful with how he speaks in general, he’s not the kind of person to talk the way Somi did about anything, really. So expecting a similar level and style of communication/queer expression, for jikook compared to these other people, really isn’t fair to Jimin or Jungkook to begin with, I think.

It’s totally okay if as a fan you’d like to see more open, simple and consistent expressions of queerness the way we have it in OnlyOneOf, Ateez, Bibi, etc. Those groups are made in some ways precisely to scratch that itch. It’s good the way they talk about queer attraction draws you in or resonates with you, but I’m not sure it’s fair to expect other people, in this case jikook and/or BTS, to express their relationship and queer feelings the same way.

If you’re approaching this solely from the point of concern for jikook, I totally get it. Korea is very homophobic. But within their immediate team, I hope and trust they are surrounded by more good people than bad, people who will aim to protect the queer members. There’s no use worrying about this for long, since they’ll just have to learn to take care of themselves.

I could’ve totally missed your question or what you’re actually asking, Anon. If so let me know. But the above is also what I think.

#Also Hobi didn’t go to a gay club but one rumoured to be frequented by some gay men #jikook #BTS #bts chapter 2 #kpop

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sizzlingpatrolfox · 2 months

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I blocked 11 accounts today because I logged into tumblr after days and wanted to see what Jimin has been upto and his hashtags were polluted with random Jikook ship stuff. It was so annoying. Some lewser claiming the youngest doesn’t think of JM as the best dancer or handsome but thinks of him as his beloved. I threw up internally and physically had a visceral reaction, ngl. Good lord, does it not make you ashamed to write the other half of your ship isn’t as talented as the group but that’s okay because the maknae loves him? What god level image do you have of JK that you can only appreciate JM because he likes him? “It doesn’t matter if JM isn’t the best dancer coz JK looks at him like he hung the stars”???? Who the fk died made JK the lord of judgements? IDC what his opinion is. I need my guy to get his flowers. Have they ever thought of Park Motherfkn Jimin as an artist? I need them to go extinct. I don’t care for shipping, you do you. But to never acknowledge their artistry is a sickness.

Someone sent me a link to the post, so yeah I saw it.

My opinion's still the same as when he went on and on during a live about Taehyung being the most handsome/beautiful (I don't remember the korean word he used for it) person he's ever seen. And at the time jikookers were trying to find excuses but I said; I know it's normal to think other people are more beautiful than your partner; it can happen, we're not always going to date the most incredible looking person on earth, and that's okay. What is not ok to me is go live to millions of people and say "his best friend is the most good looking person I've ever seen". If you're in a relationship, you can't just say that your partner's best friend takes your breath away like...

Jungkook has never thought Jimin was the best in the group at anything. At least he's never said it and he never will. Once too, they went to that show where they had to write something they wanted to hear from another member and Jungkook wanted to hear "you're a good dancer" from Hoseok. And he wanted to hear from him because he respects Hoseok as a dancer and wanted his approval. So I do think he means it when he says Hoseok is the best dancer to him.

I guess what's annoying about shippers is

1) that Jimin actually talks about Jungkook like he's the best in a lot of stuff. He's talked a lot about looking to him for help in singing, and has even said Jungkook is a better dancer than him even when everyone knows that's not true. Jimin goes as far as including Jungkook in the "visual" line, even though the official narrative is Jin and V are, so he'd be okay if he just said vjin. But Jimin is actually a person with a defined personality that doesn't compromise his morals or opinions for others. So if he thinks Jungkook is good looking as V and Jin, he will just say so. And yet all those things fly over jikookers heads. They'll ignore all that and will tirelessly go back to the one time Jungkook compliments Jimin to make up for all the other times he could've, but didn't.

2) that they can't just acknowledge and accept it. They have to write ten thousand excuses and turn everything into a romance novel to make it seem like yes, Jungkook is saying this or that but secretly he thinks different. Secretly, he thinks the world of Jimin and Jimin only. Secretly, he would never think anyone is better than Jimin.

Just the amount of coping.

As I've said once before too, it's gotten to the point where not only they scramble to find reasons (beyond skinship) to think that they're dating, but also to make Jungkook the kind of boyfriend they think he is. They can't just be like "okay jikook might be dating and Jungkook is kind of a piece of shit for saying this or doing that". No. They have to turn everything around and write stuff like "he hung the stars on the sky" only so Jungkook won't stop being the ideal boyfriend they've made up in their minds.

And that relates to what you say about us not really caring about Jungkook's opinion, but how we have to acknowledge these things anyways because all this discourse does is feed into the idea that Jimin is not as good as someone else. I've written about it before, too; that it really doesn't matter that it's him saying it, but just about giving credit where credit is due. Pjms actually have these conversations about Yoongi and other members as well.

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umgeorge · 2 months

Text

We Sat Down With George Russell Ahead Of Grand Prix Weekend

Nothing beats the buzz you'll find in Melbourne ahead of Grand Prix weekend, but the energy in the room with George Russell-British racer who steers the mighty W15 for Mercedes-AMG Petronas F1 Team-is nothing but relaxed. His green room is a cocoon of calm in an otherwise chaotic weekend of press, brand obligations, training, and, of course, actually driving the damn car come lights out on Sunday. Greeted with a cool fist bump ("You alright, mate?"), George parks himself across from me ahead of his appearance at the IWC Chadstone boutique that same evening. Smiles on, eyes attentive, and, of course, with his timepiece in full view of the cameras, we get straight into it with the man who's always on the clock, be it his own, the FIA's, or someone else's.

John McMahon: "George, give us your favourite moment from last season. If you had to pick just one." George: "Crossing the line in Abu Dhabi to secure P2 for the team in the championship, for sure. There was such a tight battle with Ferrari for a number of races and when we went into that race it was sort of me and Charles battling it out, then suddenly, Perez came through quick and he had the five second penalty and it went down to half a second. That was the difference between us finishing second in the championship or third in the championship, and that's 2,000 peoples' bonuses back at the factory, as well. So that was a relief to secure that result for the team."

JM: "What about the off-season? Favourite moment? Do you ever feel like you really switch off?" George: "I would say I managed to switch off for about a week during the off-season, which is pretty good, but I've always got racing on my mind and I'm always dropping my engineers messages and phone calls just with ideas I have of how we can improve. But I think my favourite moment was just seeing my niece and nephew. My sister had a child, as well, in the off-season, so that was a special moment. But just doing normal stuff, being a normal person is what I like the most."

JM: "So you wore a few different watches from IWC last year, but it looks like the one you wore the most was the Ceratanium Top Gun Double Chrono." George: "Yeah, that's my favourite by far. I love it because, when I joined Mercedes as a junior driver, that was the watch that I said I wanted, and when my first IWC arrived from the team it wasn't that watch. [laughs] And it was only three years later that I managed to actually get my hands on that watch when I could afford it and I was actually a part of the Mercedes team, so it means something to me. I think it just looks really, really cool, doesn't it? It's not too out there but it's got quite a sporty look to it, so you can wear it daily. It's my go-to."

JM: "If you had to pick a watch for traveling, a watch for the paddock, a watch for date night… where would you land?" George: "Hmm, for the paddock... Probably what I'm wearing currently, the new Mercedes team watch, the Performance Chronograph from IWC. It's similar to the Top Gun in terms of the colour and the style, but the Petronas green details add a layer of depth, so that would definitely be my paddock watch. Date night, probably the Portugieser Annual Calendar. Keep it classy." JM: "And travel?" George: "I really like the-I can never pronounce it as gracefully as the Swiss-Ingenieur. It's light, easy on the wrist, and fits under a cuff as well. For travelling you never want anything too bulky."

JM: "Last year you did probably one of my all-time bucket list experiences. You embraced the Top Gun ethos in a RAF Typhoon fighter jet. It's probably the only career that's faster than an F1 car. Did it ever appeal to you, that career?" George: "It never appealed to me, but since having the experience of… Well, firstly, I just thought I was going to be a passenger. I didn't know at the time they were going to let me fly, and getting the chance to actually fly it myself, I mean, experience of a lifetime, and would really love to get back up there, because it is like a Formula 1 car up in the skies." JM: "There are a lot of parallels, aren't there?" George: "It's so agile and quick. You've got the joystick in front of you, you just move it and the thing just rolls over instantly. It's the same with an F1 car, when you're traveling, you know, 330 km/h down the straight, you turn into the corner and you zoom immediately to the other side of the track. You're in the cockpit in both respects, but the team is like such a massive part of making that operation actually happen. There's so much camaraderie between everybody. It was like a family away from home as it is for us in Formula 1. Awesome experience, so yeah, a lot of respect for what they're doing."

JM: "The inverse of that: What's the most boring thing about being an F1 driver? You can say interviews like these, I won't be offended." George: "What do you think is the most boring thing about being an F1 driver?" JM: "Probably interviews like these, no? Being pulled left, right and centre the whole time. How about time on a plane?" George: "I want to do the numbers, but I reckon over the course of a year we would spend closing in on I'd go as far as almost a whole month on a plane. All of the flights within Europe alone, I'm doing probably five flights a week on average. There are 4,000 people who travel the world for Formula 1, and it's a very luxurious lifestyle on the face of it, but a lot of time away from home, away from loved ones, a lot of time zone shifts, brutal on the body, but you know we wouldn't change it for the world because we love what we do. It's the best job in the world."

JM: "Let's talk Vegas. It didn't go quite according to plan for you last year, but was such a momentous occasion for the sport and to be under the lights. Talk us through that first time you drove the car down that strip." George: "It was fast and bumpy, one hell of a ride. On the face of it the circuit seemed pretty underwhelming, but when we drove it, it had a huge amount of character. It was great for racing and it was very challenging to drive; really low grip. We were the only category racing, so the track was very green and dusty, so for drivers it was a unique challenge. I think in the race we were doing about 350 km/h. It was very difficult to spot the breaking points 120 metres out. When you're racing in the dark, you've got the buildings between you, all the lights at such wild speeds, it was surreal."

JM: "Aside from the obvious, do you have a personal goal for 2024 that gives us some sort of insight into the man that is George Russell? It could be getting better at Spanish on Duolingo…" George: [laughs] "My girlfriend would love that. No, just to enjoy the journey. I think it's so easy to get caught up in the competitive nature of the sport and the emotional rollercoaster that you go through, the highs and the lows. It's a psychological toll on the body, so you need to turn that into good energy and positivity, happiness, and that's what I'm gonna try and do a bit more of in 2024. We've all got this one life and you just need to maximise it and the days fly by."

JM: "On that same thought then, you've got the likes of Fernando, who we wouldn't be surprised if he's still racing when he’s fifty, and then you've got Nico, who's out on top after taking the championship. Are you a race until the body says no, kind of guy?" George: "I'll be here for a long time. I don't know what I'd do without it, to be honest. I'm not one of these guys who has all of these interests outside the sport. Some people need their passions outside to disconnect as a way of enhancing their performance on the track, and I respect that. For me, my life is racing. But I'm far from achieving what I set out to and believe I'm capable of. The seasons are becoming intense, very intense, and increasingly more challenging with the number of races. I'm fit and healthy and young at the moment, and I'm dealing with it absolutely fine, but I want to make sure that in ten years' time, when I'm 35, that I can deal with a 24 race calendar and I'm still fit and I'm still performing on the top of my game."

JM: "When you get off the plane here in Melbourne, what excites you most about the weekend ahead?" George: "Those first laps and the first practice. That's always a really exciting moment because you head into a race weekend with the unknown. We have an indication of what this weekend's going to bring. We're pretty confident a Red Bull is going to be at the sharp end of the grid. We don't know if we're going to be up there fighting with them, if we're going to be on the back foot, if the car's going to be performing well, if I'm going to be performing well, and those you get an indication after about three laps on track of how your weekend's gonna pan out and it's always a really exciting moment, the unknown. I just can't wait to jump into that car again."

#george russell #f1 #formula 1 #australian gp 2024 #fic ref #fic ref 2024 #australia #australia 2024 #australia 2024 wednesday #not a race #2024 not a race #between saudi arabia and australia 2024 #fernando alonso #tw nico

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peachjagiya · 1 month

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something I have noticed about shippers especially #one group of shippers it's that they don't seem to like the idea of jk actually being attracted to men. A lot of shippers frame jk's sexuality as him being a straight dude with an exception for their fav (tkkrs too) and u can see an extension of this by the way they choose to insult Tae too,I have seen them act "offended" on jk's behalf bc "how could you think that he could like Tae's refrigerator body" (ofc they word it a lot more meaninly) and the pictures the show it's just him being a hot dude lmao 😭 among a lot of other vile remarks about his body and of course there's nothing wrong with his body but it's clear to me this ppl have an idea of how a gay couple should look to be appealing to their fantasies and that jk must be a straight dude whose world happened to be put upside down by their "feminine prettier than girls" fav which btw I don't see jm as feminine at all btw it's just that he is short man 😭

And then I think about the many videos of jk being entranced by Tae's looks and particularly that one where they were filming the run's pool scene and his shirt sticks to his body when he is out of the water and u can clearly see that jk likes likes what he is seeing (made more obvious by jm's absolute normal friend reaction) and him being like "his back is bigger" completely entranced and yes, jk likes a man, jk likes men (and there are many different ways in which a man can look ofc and different ppl can be particularly attracted to a way or other or many) but jokers point is the opposite of that, the way they insult Tae is like they don't like the idea of jk being attracted to traits they deem as not feminine bc are usual on men like being (comparatively to women) bigger in height and body proportions etc and that's bc deep down and bc of their straight fantasies a couple should have marked differences. Anyways my point is that if you are going to believe that your fav is in a relationship with man you have to believe they like MEN and not act weird about what that means.

And this applies to both shippers bc i have seen tkkrs being weird about tk's bodies too

Goodness, I've never actively made that connection but now you say it, there is a definite tendency.

It's fetishization plain as day, I think. The Wattpad ideal of a gay couple being one macho guy and one cutesy femme guy, overemphasis on dominant/submissive stereotypes. I think every fandom I've ever been in has had a thing for it. I wish I knew the source of it! Why is it such a popular ship dynamic?

A lot of shippers frame jk's sexuality as him being a straight dude with an exception for their fav

This is really interesting too. Important to note that demisexuality is real, where the attraction develops after the emotional attachment, and that could encompass this idea that only one guy is attractive to him.

But it's not really about what JK does and doesn't find attractive. If he's attracted to various men, we have no idea, but as ever the real problem is the absolute shutting down of an idea. Discounting a whole "genre" of man just because they'd rather sit with their fantasy is problematic, reductive and wilfully ignorant of the breadth of queer attraction. And when the shutting down of an idea comes with a damaging limiting stereotype and a weird kind of body shaming, almost...? I'm side-eyeing. It's very "yes you can be gay as long as the gay that you are is the gay that I want you to be." Nah, accept all queerness, actually.

A note on attraction though: I think about especially the Run wet tee moment that you referenced and actually, when Tae is dancing and JK is shouting awww yeah from the table - it's always struck me as an attracted appreciative tone to his voice.

But also noticing Namjoon's thighs first? Cute story but actually... To be distracted by someone's thighs... 😂 And Namjoon is so masc.

(I'm not Namkook shipping 😂😂😂 but if I have any small silly conviction, it's that Jungkook did nurse a tiny little boyish crush on Namjoon: https://twitter.com/namkookloops/status/970380343885926408?t=FIQjZfeSUWaGDmMyu5zV3A&s=19)

Thanks! These thoughts were super thoughts! 💜

#my asks #sexuality discourse is bananas 🍌

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jiamour · 1 year

Text

💿 now playing: pushin’ n pullin’

povs: 💗-yn, 🖤-js, 💛-rj, 💙-jn, 🧡-mk, 💜-dh, ❤️-jm, 💚-cl

TRACK 28: bad hair day

guitarist!jisung x reader

a/n: here’s the shittiest written chunk of this fic i could muster, i had exactly 0 time to write it but i’m not letting myself disappear for another year😭 also ignore the pink colour changes

album tracklist

he’s here because of course he is. all tough and angsty in his cutesy apron, decorated with pink and purple icing smears, notably NOT having a bad hair day.

it probably isn’t the best idea to go up to him, he looks busy pretending to busy. it must be hard work to organize a croissant display case that has already been organized, the kind of hard work that needed solitary conditions to complete. it’ll be rude to talk to him and take him away from that, you should probably go the other way.

you need bread though, maybe you could run in and out of the bakery aisle without being noticed. you trace the word bread on the inside of your wrist, making note of its absence for later before deciding to grab it now anyway.

you take a step towards the bread and he starts turns like he’s felt your stare the entire time.

“hey, did you need help finding something-“ jisung asks in his not-so customer service voice which is just his normal voice but flatter and not dripping in artificial charm.

you startle at his attention and he smiles, though it only takes him a couple seconds to fight it off his face.

“oh- hi,” his voice goes high and he contorts back into himself, clearing his throat, “hey, um hi.”

“hi,” you laugh at how awkward he’s being despite suffering the same fate. you gently hit your shopping basket against your thighs as you wait for either of you to say something else.

neither of you were sure how to approach this, was he still your friend even after how things ended with renjun? should you just walk away? slap him?

“how have you been?” you ask, reaching up to your hair to let the psychological warfare begin, “you know, besides the bad hair day.”

“the ba-“ he mutters your words back to himself and self consciously ruffles his bangs though every strand seemingly ends up back in the same spot, “i’ve been okay, just work and band stuff.”

“cool, cool,” you take a whistling breath in through your teeth and wonder how to get out of this situation now that you’ve done what renjun asked.

“it’s really not” he laughs and places the pastry tongs down, “wanna see if i can grab you something free from the back?”

“sure, yeah,” this will give you a chance to overcome this obstacle and grab the bread, “if that’s fine for you to do.”

“of course,” jisung fixes his hair again and walks backwards into a display, he saves the moment with a goofy laugh, “i’ll be right back.”

you nod back and watch as he quickly swings around the counter, his hand lingers on the brick wall that separates the grocery store bakery from the general public’s line of sight. you lunge (walk leisurely) towards the bread, it doesn’t take long to grab the loaf you want so you’re left waiting. for jisung. which is insanely embarrassing and maybe even blasphemous?

his entrance back into your line of sight is considerably less theatrical than his departure. he lazes with his shoulder leaning against the wall, one hand behind his back, the other waving you over.

“a bit to the left,” he says when you’re near him, using his free hand to press against your shoulder and guide you closer to the wall, “this is a blind spot for the cameras.”

“right. very inconspicuous of you,” you joke but lean further into the wall, as if you aren’t in an open plan store with atleast 5 people within 20ft of you.

“very,” he smiles back and shifts so he’s standing up straight, “wanna see a magic trick?”

“as long as it is ends in me getting free food.”

“hold still,” he instructs, reaching the hand he’s been keeping behind his back out straight. he’s clearly ‘hiding’ something behind his index and middle finger but for the sake of the trick you pretend not to notice.

“huh, what’s this? you’ve got something behind your ear?” he says, unable to even take himself seriously.

“skip the foreplay,” you laugh and he playfully glares back.

you can feel his fingers lightly graze over your cheek as they move to gather your hair out of your face to tuck it behind your ear. as he pulls his hand back he lets the treat roll between his fingers so he’s holding it out in front of you.

“i hope you like sugar cookie rejects,” you take the cookie from him and take a bite, some of the baby blue icing crumbling onto the ground.

“i do, thanks.”

you both stand there as you eat your cookie, personally you think he should be holding the conversation right now but he’s just looking at you smiling. it’s honestly getting embarrassing how much he’s smiling, for him, obviously.

“stop looking so happy to see me,” you tease, trying to ease the one-sided tension, “it’s weird.”

“but i am happy to see you,” why does he sound genuine? somethings seriously not right. evil energy everywhere, you need to call donghyuck to do a deep cleanse, “i didnt know if you were going to talk to me again, you know after the- thing.”

“you didn’t try to reach out,” you look down at your shoes.

“would you have answered?”

“no,” you look up again into his eyes, they look a bit sad, which, pathetically, makes you feel bad for him, “but i can be worn down.”

“i don’t want to wear you down princess.”

“don’t call me that,” your usual sternness coming out in a playful whine, which, on the bright side, manages to lighten his mood.

he opens his mouth to say something but stops when he sees someone over your shoulder, “uhhh so yeah, a pack of 12 cookies would be $6.50.”

you got the memo quick as he makes his way back through the divide into the bakery where he leans over the counter to talk with you.

“which ones are your favorite?” you play along and duck down to look at the different cookies in the display case, which happen to unluckily be very minimal.

“i like the chocolate- okay she’s gone,” jisung instantly deflates into the counter, his head resting on top of his hands as he looks up at you.

“your boss?”

“just my manager, but she’s been on my ass lately because i don’t ’take this job seriously’ or whatever.”

“and she’d be right.”

“yeah well-“ he pouts, his cheeks puffing out a little, “she doesn’t need to know that.”

“i hope music works out for you, man.”

“you’re an asshole,” he lifts himself up from the counter and wipes some of the dried icing off his apron, “but thanks.”

a squeak of shoes behind you makes you startle and hit your basket against the display case accidently.

you smile politely at the man waiting behind you before returning your gaze to jisung, “i should go.”

he’s frowning but it fades with a shake of his head, “oh- yeah, alright,” he mutters like he’s clicking back into reality. it almost makes you feel guilty.

you take a step back ready to leave and never look back.

but you cave.

“we should hang out soon,” he lights up again and nods along with you, “you promised me guitar lessons right?”

“yeah- yeah i did,” he smiles so brightly, “see you later princess.”

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

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sageistrii · 1 month

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would you consider me as a pjm?

i’m going to be 100% truly about myself and i want to hear your (or anyone’s) opinion about it.

i have been a jm bias since 2020 (same year i get to know bts) and a few months later i began to feel a cute connection between jm and jk, then i got to know that they were called jikook and so i started to watch every clip about them, i got to noticed myself every lil thing that they were doing or saying, etc. i never believed 100% that they were dating, i did believe that they had something going on in the past or that they were fb (yeah i know 🥴 but they were really touchy most times so it’s not my fault) anyways, everything collapsed the moment chapter 2 started, jm and jk weren’t as close anymore, although i did got a moment of adrenaline in me when jk was calling jm to come to his house and the whole jm live he did, but it was when jm got his hot100 that i got weird out bc jk didn’t even congratulate him for it, i didn’t care much BUT THEN… he goes to LA, and we all know what happened. and that was the moment that every fantasy i had about them was burned and buried for me. jm getting sabotaged left and right by this own company when the other one who i thought had something with him was getting EVERYTHING handled to him..? not to mention that once jk was trying to be this western pop boy, something clearly shifted in him and i just started to not feel the same as i once feel (bc i did liked him a lot and had a lot of ideas about how his first album would have been but i was wrong about everything) and also he made it very clear that he’s into women, sure, he could b bi but idk it just made me realize how silly and stupid i was for believing that they were actually having something… he clearly is single or has a gf but definitely not a bf and much less is dating his bandmate.

i still feel like jm and jk had a cute relationship, although it feels more that jm is the one who makes it cute bc he is the one always cheering and smiling to jk, idk how i got to think that it was a 50-50 type of relationship when jm was always the one giving much… and it’s mostly the same with every other member and him.

i do consider myself a solo but i know some wouldn’t called me that bc of my past as a shipper so i would like to know what do you think?

The question is do you consider yourself a pjm?

I don't think what you used to believe in the past matters. Most pjms were armys who loved BTS and now they can't stand them, so I don't think anyone would stop you from identifying as a pjm just because you were a shipper, if that's what you want to be called.

There's no pjm president, there's no set rules for what it means to be one and not all Jimin stans who aren't armys would call themselves a pjm anyways. Also I'm pretty sure you're just one of the many people who used to ship jikook, so I doubt anyone cares. Opinions and stance changing is the most normal thing ever.

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jmdbjk · 1 year

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Quality anon time:

Addressing a few anons in my inbox:

Anon: “It's really sad that you're a jikooker but you use the same narrative of taekookers, saying that only jimin mentions jungkook. Why you didn't say that also jungkook mentions jimin sometimes?”

Me: Okay anon... Jungkook mentions Jimin sometimes. Happy now?

If you don’t know by now where I stand on all this you should just keep scrolling past my blog. I would say, “you obviously never read anything I’ve said” but in your same ask you say “long post to justify the fact that Jungkook never supported jimin in this solo era” so I know you read THIS particular “long post”. Go read some more of my past posts to see where I stand on your incorrect take of what I wrote. But you seem like the type of person who thrives on drama, searches it out, reads things that you don’t agree with, just so you can seethe and unload all of your negative petty judgemental energy on someone you don’t know. The internet and anonymous make that easy for you.

Anon: “Don't you dare to compare tae with jimin...Don't try to minimize Jimin's relationship with Jk only because you want to defend your precious Tae.”

Me: another ignorant person who hasn’t read anything I’ve ever said. ...instructing me to stop spreading a narrative that jikook and taekook are the same kind of relationship. [insert loud laughing rolling on the floor...ROFL] This person also states they are not a jikooker or Tae anti...and goes on to say “Taehyung started mentioning Jk's name all the time unprovoked only during this solo era, ...His purpose is clear even if you close your eyes.”

Which makes me want to elaborate: A few people are very angry with Tae and believe he has an “agenda.” I don’t have an explanation as to why he mentions Jungkook. Last time was because they were gaming with some of Tae’s other friends. We don’t know what Tae’s real motivation is. Maybe Tae really wishes JK would do a live with him? And they DID manage to do that Instagram live for a few minutes...

But to me, they just don’t have the same chemistry as Jimin and Jungkook. The insta live very much gave me this vibe:

I don’t know what else you want me to say that I’ve not said before. They are doing a pretty good job by themselves dispelling any thought that Tae and Jungkook’s chemistry (awkward?) is the same as Jimin and Jungkook (chemistry through the roof).

And Tae IS precious because he is one of the seven members. He’s not my bias, though...that’s for sure. But I will give his restaurant show they filmed in Mexico a chance when it airs.

Anon: JK was drinking heavily for two days in a row... His home looks like a bachelor pad. He seems down & depressed & even said he's not motivated to do anything. How is this not concerning & taken lightly? I'm worried about JK & JM seems worried too & I think that's why JM came live to tell him to stop, cause it is very concerning seeing JK like that.

Me: I do not consider 3 or 4 beers "heavy" drinking. But if you, personally, or if you are from a culture that doesn't normally consume alcohol, you may think that is a lot. Having a few beers everyday is very common where I'm from.

About JK staying at home for days and days: Jin once said: “resting is not putting meaning into time spent for self-improvement... those days when you’ve done absolutely nothing, that people might look at you and say, ‘You wasted your day away.’ That’s the kind of living that gives me rest.” Obviously Jungkookie agrees.

Jungkook didn’t seem sad to me. He was singing for us as usual on the first day and then on the second day went on about with getting his mukbang ready and his Netflix going. If you thought he seemed sad, you were projecting your own emotions on to him. Fun fact: There is a contestant in the show he was watching that he has met in person...the MMA champion guy who is older than most of the other contestants.

And yeah... in my opinion, THAT apartment is not his HOME. It looks like an alternate place to me, but you are entitled to your opinion too. That clothing rack... if you live there and that’s your home, why would you keep a rolling rack of empty hangers in front of the main bedroom door?

Why am I not concerned about Jungkook? because I'm not projecting imaginary emotional drama on him and I'm not an alarmist. There is no crisis. I employ critical thinking within the context of everything I know about Jungkook, Jimin and what they've shown us all these years. I am pretty tuned in to what their personalities are like. Neither of them have given me any reason to be concerned.

Jimin was laughing in his comments. “ㅋ” by itself in Korean slang means “LOL”. So ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ would be LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL... Jimin didn’t come into the live to tell Jungkook to stop. He came because he saw the Weverse notice that his Kookie-pookie was doing a live broadcast and spending time with Army again and Jimin was having to work. He was laughing because he knew his Kookie was going to do whatever the hell he wanted as in fuck a rule of no drinking during a live.

The severity of tunnel vision some of you have is incredible. Many of y’all need to lift your heads up from those fanfics, edited video clips and elaborately concocted narratives based on nothing and look around at real life for a little while... like make a friend or two or have a real life relationship involving real emotions and sex. It’ll make a big difference in how you view the world.

And since I have a habit of letting asks sit in my inbox to marinate with time (read: wait for Miss Karma to show up as usual) these Anons just look like a bunch of mouthy assholes now.

But I don’t want this post to just be a big downer... here are some Anons who are genuinely nice and have interesting thoughts and questions:

Anon: Not a question but a statement: “If only people would translate without agenda.”

Me: I KNOW RIGHT? Just like fake emotional drama anon above... people insert their own interpretations into translations. Then are quick to defend themselves stubbornly without being open minded to realize there are other ways to interpret what is being said. It’s important to look at several trusted non-biased translators. Native Koreans are who I trust. And yes, google translate can also clarify some things but you should not depend solely on that to understand what is being said.

Anon: “...was there any instances where Jungkook made sure people understood that his relationship with Jimin is different than his relationship with the other members?”

Me: Jungkook differentiates his relationship with Jimin from the others all the time, except it is usually not intentional. It is a subconscious natural reaction. Watch him and you will see it. I think that people who cannot see it just are not tuned in to such things or refuse to believe that Jimin means a lot to Jungkook.

Depending on what your relationship is with someone, you will subconsciously seek out physical contact with them. You will want to be closer to them, whether sitting or standing. Even within your closest circle, if you have one you are even closer to, you will tend to act differently with them than you do with the other friends...even during work...

Anon: “Why should anyone, now or later be concerned with Jungkook stopping his work? ...Fans are so dramatic.”

Good question, Anon...you certainly won’t find much concern from me until he gives me reason to be concerned and so far, I’m not concerned. And yes, fans are so dramatic in every sense. Jungkook already told us last year he had nothing going on. So why is it a surprise to some to see Jungkook emerging from being a hermit when he already told us he had nothing going on? He said he was going to get back into shape by getting back to eating right and look at him working out!

Anon: “...why Jungkook is not denouncing tkk?...why not stop some of the other rumors ?”

Maybe you should ask Jungkook yourself because he’s not answering my texts.

#another long post sorry asshole anon to make you have to read so much #jimin and jungkook are fine #jikook #jimin #jungkook #dammit JK! answer my texts!#quality anon time

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