#why can't i have a normal brain

[ruler-of-turtle-kind]

Okay, that's enough Magnus Archives for today.

#tma reactions #episode 144 #decrypted tma #it's leaving me feeling bone-achingly alone #but I know I'm not alone #but I feel like I am #and the argument between logic and emotion just goes round and round in my head #and I feel like I’m drowning in a whirlpool of anxiety #just round and round and round #and the overactive part of my imagination wants to use this as basis to convince me this stuff is real #but it's not real #it's fiction #why can't i have a normal brain #one that doesn't try to lie to me #maybe I need to put MAG down for a few weeks again #no. no I'll be fine. I just need to keep doing this. Keep reasoning it out #when you have a brain that lies to you you need to practice arguing with it #that way it gets easier to dismiss the lies #it's good I'm in a safe environment to do so with something that is clearly fiction. #frick I'm delusional aren't I? #why God did you deal me this hand? what purpose does it serve?

[inkskinned]

maybe i'm a bitch but if i hear you go out of your way to judge someone's weight, i immediately lose trust in you & will probably forever find you a little unbearable . yes also the little floating bar over my head will start reading [hostile]. this is natural and u caused it.

#IF you do the therapy to stop being an asshole and make a POINT of being like #''i used to be a jerk about this but now i'm not'' #..... we can reevaluate .... #btw i hope this doesn't need explanation and everyone can be normal on this post #and not be like #what if i am a DOCTOR and i was aSKED #like we all know what i'm referring to here #you're like in target and lizzo is playing in the background and they're like #DID YOU NOTICE THAT LIZZO IS FAT? #or ur on instagram and like some dude's comment is like #NICE ART BUT WHY ARENT YOU THIN #like .... okay we get it. we get it . go to sleep . go to therapy. bye. #ALSO BTW i am in recovery for an ED and im saying this AS someone with Brain Problems #pls do not clown on this and be like ''actually i'm allowed to be rude and judgemental'' #no u aren't. none of us are. having an ED is not a pass for being a fucking dick #it can make you ACT like a dick. that isn't something you should be proud of or seek to continue #hence.... therapy!!!!!!!! #i know it's kind of controversial to say it but frankly i don't believe in infantilizing mental illness #by being like ''oh they can't help themselves'' #bc that kind of thinking is .... unbelievably toxic lmafo #you might not be able to control your split-second thoughts/judgements #i have ocd i understand #but like. . . .. you know #we both know #this post is not about ''u blurted something u regret'' #this post is about. THAT GUY

[starkidthings]

they are gay your Honor 

#klance #vld keith #vld lance #voltron legendary defender #god this ship lives rent free in my brain #why am i here #why can't i just like a normal ship #why does it have to klance #:(

[redbean-nom]

ECHO HAS EARS???

#star wars #tbb #the bad batch #tbb s3 #tbb spoilers #tbb echo #redbean talks #i. did not realize the head thing was removable #wait it seems important though. is he going to like. get electrocuted by the brain implant stuff #also that hand is very helpful for disguise purposes but #it also doesn't seem so helpful motion wise #when he was walking through the hallway it was kind of just resting on the side of the blaster? #so he probably can't use it as a normal hand #hm i guess that's why he never bothered getting a new hand earlier #less convenient to have to take it off all the time to do stuff #and not super helpful for hand related tasks

[fivewholeminutes]

Obligatory eyes like fire moth fanart: ✔️

My, those photos look terrible on desktop. Anyways! I don't like it in terms of "fanart for this specific lyrics part", i don't think it shows what i wanted it to represent, but i have grown to like it as a funky fluffy moth pal that's chilling over my desk now, so yeah.

Btw, it has legs. One of them keeps falling off.

#it was supposed to be a normal papercut art using normal paper on a normal flat surface #but then my treacherous brain went 'what if it could move its wings' #(i can't sew) #(the wings are not moving anyway) #i've also used real soot for Dramatic Reasons™ #and burned some felt and the lace and my finger #burned felt looks like crisps. 0/10 do not recommend #'why is it covered in glitter' you may ask #that's bc my bestie said 'moths are shiny. use glitter' and i couldn't have argued with that <3 #sleep token #sleep token fanart #sleep token art #alex vs the mortifying ordeal of having her art perceived #lots of mistakes were made here but i've had fun making it and it's all that matters

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

my greatest fandom flaw: i can never express my dislike of rory/jess to the full extent that i yearn to because i know it’s just way too taboo to ever unleash upon the world. i must remain silent on the matter to stay in the polite circles of society.

so i just have to keep it bottled up inside of me

F E S T E R I N G

#i guess i could go into an empty forest and scream about it or something #AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! #it's weird to have once liked something that i have come to so deeply dislike in my weird old age #i guess we're all of us always growing! #(or ... devolving. whatever!) #it's also very uncomfortable to dislike one of those all-time popular otps of all time! why can't my brain just be normal! #dollsome's deep thoughts #anti literati #i like rory/dean better than rory/jess. RORY/DEAN! isn't that tragic?? #and i have to live with that fact every day!

[roitaminnah]

sorry for not being normal about butterfly soup... it will happen again <3

#butterfly soup 2 #ppkm #um I have so much work to do and instead of do it my brain was like . hahah what if we drew ppkm for like. idk. 30 minutes #so here is my 30 minute ppkm doodle i did . on aggie #u may be asking roi why is this catgirl akarsha. listen. she just comes out like that sometimes. i'll be drawing and #she'll just be a cat girl i can't explain it. um. ... cat girl akarsha #i like them a Normal amount #sketchbook #roi draws

[psychewritesbs]

Liebstod is a German word for a kind of love that is so unreal and so Divine, that it can only be achieved in death.

But Death is not to be taken literally as the ultimate archetype of endings, but one of transitions and new beginnings--an archetype of ego death from which a new third is born.

#now if only the above mentioned idiot would have not taken that his death would be literal #you stupid stupid idiot #I love him your honor #dammit seishiro why can't you just be normal #ego death dude #it was ego death all along #ok this is my lame ass and shallow interpretation lol #inspired by noa's talent for reading tarot cards #ok but also the skull on his lap #its the same skull from the drawing where subaru and him are wearing pope outfits #anime tarot #x/1999 #sakurazuka seishiro #I will go down with my spelling of his name #since Spanish is my first language #any time I see that u vowel sitting next to the o #my brain vocalizes it instead of treating it like a silent vowel #so seishirO it is #psychology of romantic love

[thediamondarcher]

I seriously don't understand how famous people can take criticism because i see one person saying something bad about a celebrity i like and i get like actually anxious and i feel really bad

#it's awful #it breaks me practically #can someone explain why do i feel this way #I DO I HAVE TO TAKE THINGS SO PERSONAL #i admire those people who just see something they don't like and ignore it but i can't do that #my brain will repeat that on loop and there's a point where i feel physically ill #is this something to do with my mental health because this doesn't feel normal

[eff-plays]

Not exactly a dadstarion truther either (mostly bc it took me a while to actually warm up to the idea and also hes NEVER having kids with my durge, only my tav (can you imagine this man parenting a Bhaalspawn? A dhampir Bhaalspawn?? Nonono.)) But I do find something a little compelling about the thought of this man who a) has had absolutely nothing of his own for as long as he can remember and b) sees himself as worthless and irreparably fucked up creating this tiny new person? Like, they're part of him, he made this precious little creature (with the person he already loves most)? This soft and innocent thing? (Which he would waffle awfully between wanting to keep innocent for as long as possible but also making sure they know about life's horrors so they can avoid them) Like sure the baby version is annoyingly loud and can't do anything and also gross and smells but he can teach the toddler to bite people. He is the absolute worst enabler, spoils the kid rotten. Teaches them to steal and pick locks and just lets them get away with murder. Parent #2 has to do all the actual parenting part cuz damn he's not doing the discipline thing at all.

Also the vain part of him likes looking at his kid and sort of seeing some of his face in them, since he can't use an actual mirror.

Well he'd be cured by the time he has the kid or soon after in my canon, so that last part wouldn't apply for me.

And yeah, when I say that I'm not a dadstarion truther I don't mean that I don't see it happening ever, but more that to me, that first step in itself is the one that I see as least likely.

Because I can accept that he would learn to love the kid, that he would care about it and spoil it. I can also accept (and would gladly explore) him having a complicated relationship with the kid, either early on in a postpartum depression sort of way, or further down the line in a "I can't find common ground with my teen/young adult" sort of way (or both lbr).

The problem, to me, is that I don't see Astarion going "let's have a kid!" I don't see him genuinely wanting one, and I don't see him finding any reason to lie about wanting one, and I don't see Hira believing any of those lies even if he does try. It's really the initial hurdle. The rest I'm happy to make as dysfunctional and weird as it would realistically be when a guy who shouldn't be a dad becomes a dad. One of the reasons I came up with Critter is because I find it compelling how much Astarion is not a dad guy, and how that would fuck up a person like Critter. That's juicy stuff. And also a way for me to work out my own daddy issues I guess lmao.

But getting that started? Actually inventing a reason for how Astarion would even agree to it? That's where I struggle. And that's why I'm torn. Cuz I do want to stay true to my own interpretation of a character, while also wanting to create a new character and put them both (and also Hira) in situations.

Like I'm happy for all the dadstarion peeps who have cool dhampir girlies running around on adventures and I'd love to join them, but I also think that if I were true to Astarion's characterization, that kid would have issues. Like maybe a lot of them.

#bg3 #i'm not in it for the squee of omg cute baby!! #i do not care about babies or kids in general it's not why i'm here #i have no parental instincts and do not personally plan to ever reproduce #nor am i in it for the nuclear faerûnian family fantasy #i'm in it for the 'my traumatized parents love me but couldn't help but traumatize me in small ways just by being themselves' #'cuz parents are also people and maybe they regret having me and maybe i made their lives worse' #'but they also can't imagine it without me because i'm part of them and they're part of me' #ya feel me??? #like yeah i imagine most of the kid's life is excellent and both parents love them v much #but having astarion as a parent would defo do things to your brain that maybe shouldn't be done #hira would be passable if paired with a normal person but they wouldn't tolerate anything but complete devotion to their child #(which astarion fundamentally can't provide imo) #which is also bad cuz bby ur shutting down all communication and compromise and making asty feel like shit #like it would be very dysfunctional for a long while until the kid was like older toddler-age maybe #until the point where astarion would realize there's a person in there and not just a weird crying shitting bag of meat that his partner #inexplicably values over him #once that realization hits him i think he'd do way better #but until then he's fucked

[kakyogay]

haha sticking to canon is for nerds ahaha

I say as I worry that I'm shifting too far away from canon with my ideas

#hehe it'd be cool if wind considered suns to be like a sibling to him because *insert bullshit relating to ideas I don't wanna share* #I did write in something that wind was the closest to them like location wise... #and some of their design bits do look a little similar... #and wind's creator having some kind of connection to suns' creator would have him know that their dad or whateva isn't a great guy #but then that goes into the not so great punishment methods that I really don't want to share and bleh #they're already having problems being in a very warm area (heat damage on their structure) they don't need father issues to go with #it's fiiiiiine I'm just gonna leave it in a canvas never to be opened again unless I want to ponder the sin #ughhgh why can't brain think normally like gay robots and meow

[obeymeow]

nightbringer lesson 14 FUCKED ME UP in several ways but primarily I've spent the last 48 hours making myself sad over the solomon backstory we got. specifically I have, for no reason, latched onto that one chapter in the Kids event where baby solomon cried because he felt so guilty over being responsible for that spell. and that just feels a touch more depressing in context

#nightbringer spoilers #obey me on side #went back and unlocked the event again because i could not get this out of my brain i know it's probably not that deep #but it is that deep TO ME. okay #baby solomon has been on my brain since thirteen told that story so that's probably why it's sticking in my brain so hard but whatever #in case anyone was wondering the other things to make me sad are: #he has such a deeply excessive amount of lights in his room in purgatory hall there are SEVERAL chandeliers and lamps #there's a good handful in his room in cocytus hall too (his horror dg showed it) if a more normal amount #but that with the 'dim and gloomy' detail. ☹️ #i've also always thought that solomon's loneliness wasn't all about the immortal angst but like. #having it confirmed that he's had reason to be lonely since he was a child- before he was old enough to know he was using magic- #totally crushed me girl why can't I be wrong #had emotions about lesson 14 in general but solomon backstory steals the show every time for me so i haven't gotten around to the rest #i'm enjoying the nightbringer story so much (not talking about the game design. that's a different thing entirely) but man #the pacing is WILD it feels like every lesson could be a whole lesson block at the least. it's giving me a lot of room to speculate #which I always love! but i do wish they would slow down a little and expand on some of these concepts they're bringing up #because the basic idea of the game alone is REALLY INTRIGUING and it'd be a shame if they raced back to the present imo #what was i even talking about. sorry my brain fast forwards as soon as i get into the tags there is not one sequitur to be seen #so curious about solomon's friend now too. like my guess is it's going to be lilith (and hopefully not in a popular fan theory kind of way) #because it's more than a little suspicious that they expanded on lilith's views on humans the way they did #in a way that SO PERFECTLY lines up with the expansion on solomon's views on humans #WHICH I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT YET BY THE WAY BUT LIKE. HE IS SO RIGHT AND REAL FOR THAT #it's beyond stressful to me that I think solomon is completely justified in his views and being completely reasonable about it #but that it would also mean war between the worlds presumably while the brothers are still recovering from THEIRS #you cannot give me that choice man. not even sure that the human world would be ABLE to win that fight if we're being real #solomon's 72 pacts are a lot yes but he's still only one guy who is NOT on good terms with the sorcerer's society #and mc is powerful but so so inexperienced. and that's IF they choose to side with the human world which #really i don't think the canon mc is likely to do. but anyway i guess solomon's friend could also be adam maybe? #that could be wishful thinking because i like adam though. even if his hair SUUUCKS #deeply offended by everyone thinking solomon got the fucked up hair when all signs point to adam be NICE TO HIM he's ugly already

[brynnmclean]

I have been daydreaming recently about getting five of my female friends + maybe my sister (if I can lure her out of her apartment) to play D&D with me. We could play monthly. I could brave running base 5e so people can play spellcasters. We could make the setting together via Ex Novo and/or the Session 0 System. Or, I SWEAR, I'll read and run Ghosts of Saltmarsh. Or... I could enlist them to help me figure out the starter box for The One Ring 2e which I think starts out with hobbit pregen PCs. It could be fun. Trouble is... I HAVE to wrap up AKB first. I have tried to run multiple campaigns at once and it is Too Much for me (not to mention I have other hobbies)! So. I have to sit on my hands until Spring anyway. Alas.

#this has been a post #do i need a loremaster tag? #there were men in my old group but i think one wouldn't show and the other is hmm. maybe 50/50 on signing on. #and 7 players is TOO MUCH #6 is doable. 5 is normal for me. 4 is actually RAW for CRs. #so if i got 6 interested but not everyone could attend consistently it would be okay. #as long as i don't lean on PC spotlight arcs too heavily #anyway can you see how much this idea has been bouncing around my brain #i very nearly made an interest FORM the other day #i feel weirdly shy about it. maybe especially because i can't devote myself to running anything to the best of my ability until after April #and even then i'd have to make some decisions about 1) whether i want an actual DMing Break #and 2) if i want to get back into acting Shakespeare in the summer #which would make having other hobbies a little more difficult. not impossible just i'd have less time #not to mention creative energy would be less for fic -- and i miss writing fic :( #why can't i have unlimited creative energy and time to use it i ask you #/grumbles

[shima-draws]

Chimchar and Grovyle arguing over whose girlfriend is better but they have the same girlfriend so really what they’re doing is trying to see who can compliment Pip better

#Anybody who doesn't know them walks by hears the argument and is like 😬😬😬 #Meanwhile the guild members don't bat an eye. This is normal. This happens every Tuesday #Pip: Are you two fighting over me again #Chimchar: HE SAID YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL!! WHY DIDN'T **I** THINK OF THAT #Grovyle: Because I love Pip more than you. Moving on #Chimchar: /OFFENDED GASP/ HOW DARE YOU. YOU TAKE THAT BACK #Grovyle: ...Okay that might have been a bit harsh. #Pip: I can't believe this. I'm dating a pair of grade A morons #Dusknoir: You finally noticed? I'm so proud of you Pip......... #Pip: SHUT. #Pokemon #PMD #OKAY SO I HAVEN'T STARTED PLAYING YET BUT I'M PROBABLY GOING TO LOL. #They're on the brain......they're on MY brain..... #Timegearshipping #Pip #Chimchar #Grovyle #Shima speaks

[aftermathing]

I'm like. spiraling.

My body hurts and it's falling apart and there's nothing wrong with it and there's no way to fix it. I'll never be able to have a normal job again. I can barely stand how am I supposed to finish college. I need help and I keep asking people to help me and that makes them uncomfortable and I'm asking too much of them. I say there is no food in my house. They say why don't you go buy food. I say I'm too disabled to drive. They say oof lol. How does oof help me. How are you not worried about me. How when I say I haven't bought food in a week or washed my clothes in a year people respond omg lol and not holy shit are you okay do you need help how are you alive. Not to be lazy or anything but I would actually literally kill for someone to hold me and say it's okay you don't have to do this alone anymore I'm going to help you. I would commit unspeakable acts of violence for someone to offer to drive me to the store. Once you're disabled you're trash you can't contribute to society just let yourself decay. I make everyone uncomfortable by just existing as myself and I ruin every event by either being visibly in pain and pulling an ugly face because my legs are about to give out or by not going because my spine is broken and I can't leave my bed. My family won't help me they don't believe me I'm not allowed to flinch or look like I'm in pain because my face is ugly when I'm in pain and I'm just faking it to get out of doing anything at all. I don't have a single support system or way to survive this shit. I'm in so much pain constantly there's not even a word for it because I can't just say it hurts nobody takes me seriously or understands just how bad it hurts. I can't say it's like a knife in my spine that sounds so fucking fake. It's like a knife in my spine and every tiny cell that moves hurts it because it's a fucking blade stuck between my bones. It's cutting and mangling my skin and muscles and everyone is like why don't you just stop having a knife in your back and the doctors say you do not have avknifevin your back and my parents say everyone has a knife in their back and you're just pretending it hurts and being lazy because you hate me. How am I still alive why am I still alive why does it just keep getting worse

#There's actually no reason for me to exist and I'm never going to get better or get help and no one will ever understand #I feel so useless and I will never be as good as my peers #Even my disabled peers live and handle themselves and manage their symptoms better than I can #I'm like not okay for real my brain is Fucked fucked #Shit like eating and pissing have become a fucking reward for me I'm not allowed to do it if I've been bad #I say good. you sit there and you hurt and you think about what you did and you think about this next time you want to act like a baby #But punishment doesn't even fucking work on me nothing works!!!!!!!! #I just like having a real tangible way to prove I can feel and I'm not making my pain up #I'm such a fucking toddler I expect to be fed with a spoon and reminded to use the potty and told when I need to take a nap #I need to be told how to shower properly and the right way to clean my house and the normal way to speak to people or think with my brain #Why am I like this. Why when I start to get comfortable with someone I pretend I'm a baby or a dog #Nobody thinks this way. What the fuck is wrong with you #Why can't I be a human. Why do I want to bark and bite people. Why does it hurt to touch people like a person would #There isn't a single normal thing about me. I'm so fucked up and awful and gross I literally need to be put down

[justablah56]

me when glark

#just blahs #they are currently rotating at record speeds in my brain #i feel like im going to explode #why did glark decide today specifically to just eat any other thought i might have had today #theyre There now #im marinating in all the essays i wish i could write if only i could shake my brain over a post till all the thoughts just fell out onto it #currently screaming wailing throwing up about them #glark #grant x lark #lark x grant #why can't they have a normal ship name huh