#why am i having to explain this

[fandomsandfeminism]

😮‍💨 Went out to socialize with some coworkers yesterday. I mention that I'm bi, and then just a minute later that I have a husband.

Coworker (who is a lesbian, for the record, so what follows isnt straight ignorance) that I really do not know: oh, wait, you're married?

Me: ha, yes.

Them: And you're bi?

Me: ...yes?

Them: wow, so like, an open relationship?

Me: ....?????? No?

Them: really?.....so, you're married. In a monogamous relationship? And...you're still bi?

Me: ...................yes? I...still think women are attractive? Like my husband still thinks women are attractive? Getting married didn't change that.

Them: oh, wow, how interesting.

#in the year of the lord 2024 #why am i having to explain this #this woman couldnt have been more than 5 or 6 yeara older than me though so wtf #but my lesbian grandmother had said something similar when i told her I was bi after i was married #she was like 'still? even though youre married?' like yeah grandma. still. wtf #it wasnt like malicious or rude #but it was #...uncomfortable and confusing

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[obsob]

the accolade ( the...the cat-olade...)

#mine #original #i cannot even begin to explain the anguish. the torment. this drawing has brought me #and i STILL dont like it. i simply cant work on it any longer i cant i cant. i must be rid of it #eating drywall as we speak #you want to know how many weeks ive worked on this. THREE. ALMOST. #you want to know how long my other cat drawings take me ?? 3 days absolute MAX #anyway. begon foul creature etc #i havent left extremely long tags for a long while hello everyone good lord there are many of you #we are going stratford this weekend very exciting #its going to be a little chilly and i want to take my new coat with me but issue its not chilly right now so i cant wear it onto the train #i do not think. i can. stuff it into my suitcase i dont think that will happen #i am sure i will figure it out #also. no longer vegan . eggs have won me over. egg egg egg. #im having to restrain myself SO hard from buying more wool i want a shawl i want a shawl #i want more cute DRESSES why are nice comfy dresses 10000£ #i look on vinted and its like dresses for popping your pussy in like not. the vibe im going for thank u #anyway. im going to eat crackers now

[inkskinned]

one of the things about being an educator is that you hear what parents want their kids to be able to do a lot. they want their kid to be an astronaut or a ballerina or a politician. they want them to get off that damn phone. be better about socializing. stop spending so much time indoors. learn to control their own temper. to just "fucking listen", which means to be obedient.

one of the things i learned in my pedagogy classes is that it's almost always easier to roleplay how you want someone to act. it's almost always easier to explain why a rule exists, rather than simply setting the rule and demanding adherence.

i want my kids to be kind. i want them to ask me what book they should read next, and i want to read that book with them so we can discuss it. i want my kid to be able to tell me hey that hurt my feelings without worrying i'll punish them. i want my kid to be proud of small things and come running up to me to tell me about them. i want them to say "nah, i get why this rule exists, but i get to hate it" and know that i don't need them to be grateful-for-the-roof-overhead while washing the dishes. i want them to teach me things. i want them to say - this isn't safe. i'm calling my mom and getting out of this. i want them to hear me apologize when i do fuck up; and i want them to want to come home.

the other day a parent was telling me she didn't understand why her kid "just got so angry." this woman had flown off the handle at me.

my dad - traditional catholic that he is - resents my sentiment of "gentle parenting". he says they'll grow up spoiled, horrible, pretentious. granola, he spits.

i am going to be kind to them. i am going to set the example, i think. and whatever they choose become in the meantime - i'm going to love them for it.

#writeblr #i was doing a lot with high school students. over and over again #other teachers kept asking me what i was doing differently - why the kids listened to me. i am not particularly foreboding #and i have a pretty firm personal policy of never reacting in anger #godhelpme. #i was always kind of taken aback #because in general the kids were pretty easy. i explained i needed to keep everything “PG-13” because this was my workplace #and it was kind of their workplace #too. besides #i love swearing #and since i couldn't swear #neither could they - so if they were going to say “fuck” or become violent #they needed to choose a really specific time #because we only get “the one”.. sure enough - nobody wanted to waste the one very specific “fuck” utterance. kids listened. #i think just because - that rule makes sense. the kids understand that i don't want to be unfair to them #that censorship is stupid #but that i'm under these rules too so like let's ride it out together #also i look young and tbh between me and u nobody wants to make the nice english teacher cry #the way these kids defended me to their friends was really genuinely so heartwarming bc the Grouchy Frat Boy #would be like MISS RAQUEL DOESN'T DESERVE THAT KIND OF AN ATTITUDE BRO DON'T TALK BACK TO HER

[ranna-alga]

"Do the Evolution" - Pearl Jam

#ranna word dumping #this specific lyric of the song reminded me soooo much of dutch/john and hosea/arthur #obviously john is very different from dutch but i think there is a reason why he was considered to be dutch's favourite son #john seems closer to dutch in a similar way arthur is with hosea but in a different manner i think. there is obviously a tension present #dutch is observant but only when he wants to be (otherwise i think he would have kicked micah out of the gang a long time ago) #john is just observant. he saw first-hand what happened in blackwater and is sus of dutch throughout the rest of the game #he isnt as dumb or slow as he calls himself #i read a meta about it and it explains it 1000x better than i can #as for hosea/arthur the parallels are already obvious enough #also i am quite a fan of pearl jam so teehee i had to make the selfish parallel #might make more like this idk #rdr #rdr2 #red dead redemption #red dead redemption 2 #arthur morgan #rdr2 arthur morgan #dutch van der linde #rdr2 dutch van der linde #john marston #rdr2 john marston #hosea matthews #rdr2 hosea matthews #outlaws for life #pearl jam

[swedenis-h]

These two, man… (X)

#please forgive me that they’re from the same thing #I know that takes away from the whole meme but #like could have I don’t magneto? yes but also. #but also Leia’s my girl I couldn’t not draw her #and now I have a funny little Star Wars meme that fits my account woowww oh wow #why am I explaining this IM ALLOWED TO DO WHAT I WANT!! #okay bye #art #fanart #digital art #fan art #my art #star wars #leia organa #luke sykwalker #art meme #star wars fanart

[nothingbizzare]

To be a sunflower looking at the sun

#ah welp this was planned to be an animatic or an fanfic but like i love this idea so much about sunflowers looking at the sun #so here have this just because i love them #nothingbizzare art #i am really tired so i cant explain all in all character analysis why sunflowers and sun but if i feel better i will write hehehehe #i love sunflowers #not my best art i am just really trying to get back to drawing full art #teruki hanazawa #terumob #shigeo kageyama #mp100 #mob psycho 100 #mob psycho fanart #mp100 fanart

[andsewingishalfthebattle]

Novice sewing pattern: Cut out shapes. Line up the little triangles on the edges. Stitch edges together. We've also included step-by-step assembly instructions with illustrations.

Novice knitting pattern: yOU MUSt uNDerstANd thE SECret cOdE CO67 (73, 87, 93) BO44 (63, 76, 90) 28 (32, 34) slip first pw repeat 7x K to end *kl (pl) 42 * until 13" (13, 13, 15) join new at 30 pl for 17 rows ssk 27 k2tog mattress lengthwise BO and sacrifice a goat to the knitting gods. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT "INSTRUCTIONS," I JUST GAVE THEM TO YOU

#knitting #no it's not a real pattern but I can't write one that makes sense because I have no freaking clue what any of that means #How do you make things that aren't basic rectangles #Why has every knitter I've asked for help just said 'patterns are easy; you just have to know how to read them' & then refused to teach me #Where do I even find a goat to sacrifice #How do I join the pattern cult #I am so confused #I've been knitting for almost a decade but I can only make scarves and potholders #I learned one (1) stitch by watching a YouTube video and none of my friends or family knit so I have no IRL resources #And nobody I meet seems to want to take the time to explain the rest to me #I taught myself to sew through trial and error but that doesn't really work with knitting because error is pretty much just... Unraveling? #Anyway sorry for the tag rant I'm just frustrated that I see pretty things I want to make but the instructions are in an alien language #And the gap between 'absolute novice' and 'intermediate' seems to be about 20 years of experience and formal instruction

[creatingblackcharacters]

What are Black fans looking for in commissions?

I think this is another one of those things that artists may not have considered, so let's open the floor!

To my Black readers: if you are commissioning (or could commission) an art piece of a Black person specifically- maybe yourself, a friend, a cool character, an OC, etc.- I am asking you:

What things do you consider before making the choice to go with that artist?

(And I'll go first in the tags, just so no one feels pressured or alone)

To my nonBlack readers, esp my artists who want to expand their mentality, skill set, and maybe future clientele: I want you to LISTEN to understand. Listen to what Black fans are looking for in terms of care in the depictions of ourselves. Even if it gets uncomfortable, that's something you can challenge yourself on, and even overcome!

#1) if you're an artist thats my friend im trusting that you care enough about me to do right by me #2) YOUR PORTFOLIO! have you drawn Black characters before?? do you do it often? how did the piece look in your style? #3) if you havent drawn us but i like your style- do you at least show an interest in black characters? #am i going to have to risk my emotional health to explain to you why my features matter? #4) i could go to a Black artist to avoid the stress of number 3 #creatingblackcharacters #character design #black characters

[alevens]

zolu is maybe one of the easiest ships i've ever liked. they're dating, except when they're not, they're best friends even when they're kissing and they're still captain and first mate when they aren't. they hold hands, they hug. they have sex. they don't.

Luffy can hold Zoro's katanas and Zoro can hold Luffy's strawhat and no one bats an eye. one says "You're so cool!" and the other says "You're strong" and it's just another way to say "I see you, this is why I follow you/this is why I trust you". it's not seeing each other for a long time and still knowing how the other's steps sound like against wood and sand. the captain runs and the first mate follows. it's always "Zoro and the others" and "Where's Luffy?"

if they're just friends, if they're something more, if they don't have a label for it, at its core, it's just about how they get each other. they understand how the other's mind works. however you view them, it doesn't erase they fact that they love each other in a way they don't love other people.

#zolu #on why i love zolu #seeing the hate its gotten on its own tag #i figured i'd put it on my two cents #i am aroace and i do hc Luffy as aroace #the same for Zoro if i'm honest #but the thing about this hc is that not only it isn't canon #but is an actual spectrum #what really made me pause was that the argument was that zolu was an “icky” ship bc of how they viewed Luffy as aroace #i would have prefered they just said they hate the ship #it makes sense as i do too hate ships without reason sometimes #but it was how they seemed to view aromatic/asexual people that fucked me up #both orientations are spectrums #the way i see it and experience it isn't the same other people do #giving this label and then saying it only woks on one way is disrespectful to the many people that fall under this umbrella #it isn't as simple as saying “aromantic folks can't experience love” and “yeah ace folks all find sex disgusting” #everyone is different everyone has different views and it's about finding what fits *you* personally! #sorry for the rant on tags i just wanted to get it off my chest #i've seen more people explain it better and break it down more coherently #and i'm so so glad to see so many big brained people ready to communicate on why that take just wasn't it #one piece

[findafight]

Robin chose Steve. Robin made the conscious and deliberate decision that she could and would trust Steve. She already liked him! She had fun working and bantering with him! They were already on their way to being weird little bffs and the torture just expedited the process. Steve chose Robin just the same! He thinks she's fun and cool and likes her so much! He chose to be honest and open with her too, putting himself out there.

Even though their interests on the surface level don't match why wouldn't they share them? Steve clearly caves when Robin wants to watch a movie he doesn't think he'll like, Robin can watch a March madness game or five.

Stop trying to take away their bond oh my god people can be close to more than one person!!! Their best friend doesn't have to be dismissive or mean or whatever in order for a romance to be special to them!

#if i have to see another fic or whatever that makes it seem like robin doesnt give a shit about what steve likes and talkes about im going #to scream and maybe even rampage #its nice to sit down and have someone who knows explain who the players are and what the stakes for this particular game!! #just because yall seem to not think anyone can be nutral towards sports doesnt mean people aren't #literally why is it so hard to believe robin would like to hear steve talk as much as steve likes to hear her talk #i am so close to telling some steddie shippers to not look at steve or robin or their friendship because some of yall do Not get it. #its like you can see them go 'have to make sure eddie is the most perfect specialest boy for steve...well that means robin doesn't Get Him ' #or 'robin ignores him/dismisses his interests/isnt told everything happening in his life' like okay dont ever touch them again thanks #robin is steves specialest sunshine cupcake goober girl. steve is robins bestest happy times sweet funnyman. dont u dare take that away. #omce again tsgs longer than the post but ah well. #stobin #platonic stobin #robin buckley #steve harrington #stranger things #finda's rambles #steve and robin #this is a scheduled post just to jazz things up i guess #but seriously some of yall need to STOP MESSIGN WITH STOBIN

[verdantglow]

Imagine the Hermits learning ballroom dance.

Imagine Etho being assigned to lead because he’s tall & everyone assumes he would.

Imagine him constantly fucking up, stepping on his partner’s feet, missing beats, just a mess.

Imagine Bdubs getting upset from the sidelines.

Imagine him getting blustery about this disaster & stepping in, saying no, no, no, this is all wrong, shooing Etho’s partner away.

Imagine anxiety bubbling up in Etho’s stomach, at having to lead for Bdubs, as he walks over.

Imagine Etho trying to place his hands on Bdubs, mentally preparing for another disaster.

Imagine Bdubs tutting & moving Etho’s hands away, much to Etho’s confusion.

Imagine Bdubs then firmly placing his hand on Etho’s back & grabbing his other hand.

Imagine Bdubs confidently taking over the whole situation.

Imagine Etho’s amazement as Bdubs leads him, and suddenly Etho’s dancing is on beat, smooth, no stepped on feet.

Imagine them elegantly whirling across the floor, everyone else watching them in surprise.

Imagine Bdubs dipping Etho.

Imagine Etho looking at Bdubs face while this happens & feeling his stomach flip at the burn of assurance in Bdubs eyes.

Imagine the song then ending, & them just staying there for a moment, breathing a bit heavy from the exertion.

Imagine Bdubs pulling Etho back up & releasing him & pointed saying that that was how you did it.

Imagine Etho staring at Bdubs, feeling lost & unsure now that Bdubs isn’t there, hand on his back deftly leading him.

Just like. Imagine.

#Ethubs #hermitshipping #Ethoslab #bdoubleo100 #etho #Bdubs #I’m sorry to all my girlies who are here for smalletho #but I’ve had this idea in my head FOR MONTHS. #& like. Just because I am smalletho 99% of the time #doesn’t mean I don’t have brain rot for other pairings as well. #I was planning on making a comic or mini fic outta this but #I just don’t see that happening anytime soon #& I cannot keep this to myself. #sends it out into the universe with the hope that someone else sees my vision here #I just. Love the idea of their dynamic getting flipped in certain situations #& also Bdubs would TOTALLY be amazing at ballroom dancing. #Can’t explain why but I really think he would be.

[captaincolorblob]

Everyday i think about this screenboard scene that got semi-scrapped from Donnie vs Witch Town, like it just explains so much about Donnie as a character and i’m very sad we didnt get to see it entirely

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise donnie #like it just reveals that donnie has thought his only use to the team is being usefull via his tech #and feared he might get replaced or wasnt needed anymore #and instead of talking about it he bottled it up and it turned into aggression towards magic #like god we need to use this angst potentional more #cause it explains /why/ donnie was so stoneset on using his tech instead of mystic magic and kept saying how its better #and why his tech is usually gadgets or things that help him and/or his family #he thought thats all he's good for #apologies if i keep repeating things i'm a sucker for donnie angst and this makes me go wild #listen donnie vs witch town is not a high ranked episode on the tier list for me that scene next to the fight scene was the only part #i enjoyed a lot #and i wish they kept the entire screenboard in cause it explains a lot about donnies character and gives some drama #dia rambles #edit cause this post gained way more notes then i ever had or imagined i would ever have:: #i am flattered and virtually high-fiveing every one of you folk that said they liked my tags #i was unsure if i should even put the ramble there cause i wasnt sure if people were even gonna read it #so if means the world to me seeing people in the notes having the same reaction towards the screenboard and liking my ramble in the tags #HOWEVER i would greatly apprichiate everyone who copypasted my tags to at least credit me #some have given credit and i'm gratefull for y'all and i understand that maybe theres still the glitch for mobile users and you can always #edit your rb #I'm not mad or upset at anyone i would just really prefer it if people at least prev tagged me #ALSO SIDE NOTE to all the folk that said they'd maybe draw/animate/write smth with this a) i put the link to the full screenboard in a rb #and b) please tag/dm me or send me an ask to inform me cause i would LOVE to see it

[saeraas]

they kept reigen out of the pathetic man tournament because they knew he was overqualified for that one

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #reigen arakata #that person also put dio in that tournament which is lol #gojo and dazai both on one side of the bracket and i am confident reigen would have smoked both of them #bro why is aizawa there that's like the least pathetic person in mha #if you didn't see my reblog mentioning that reigen is the final boss: i know he's the final boss quit telling me #this post got 600+ reblogs you aren't the only one who knows that stfu #1k #also just quit trying to explain what words mean in fandom context when i didn't ask nor expressed the lack of understanding #goddamn 😭

[bakudekublogblog]

alright I’m bored so here’s my extremely optimistic crack theory: assuming katsuki seeing a vestige means we’ll see him in the vestige realm, when kudo sorted through izuku’s memories he put his forehead on the wall right??

what if izuku is having a crisis about being left quirkless again and vestige katsuki needs to touch foreheads with izuku to show him all his memories of izuku being heroic without a quirk and he tells him “you never needed a quirk. you were always a hero” or something like that because it’s what izuku always needed to hear

#bakudeku #bkdk #me at three am waking up in cold sweat #HERES HOW BKDK FOREHEAD TOUCH CAN STILL WIN #and then they kiss with tongue and hori shows all of it bc he’s a weird little freak and we all win #and everyone clapped #anyway that’s what I would do if #if I could possess horikoshi’s body and write the resolution #and then I’d add 30 panels of hugging and kissing and post them all online immediately on his Twitter then log out #this isn’t even a theory this is just me explaining why the plot demands a bkdk forehead touch it’s all there it’s been set up #and izuku sees all the memories of him standing up to katsuki and sludge villain and the river scene again #and them forehead touching is at the for front #and izuku closes his eyes and breathes deeply #BC ITS WHAT HES ALWAYS WANTED TO HEAR AND HE HEARS IT FROM KACCHAN #anyway horikoshi let me into your brain I have ideas now draw it DO IT HORI DO IT LISTEN TO ME HORI WE CAN AND WE SHOULD

[chayannesegg]

might be worth noting that tubbo got lore today because he made it canon he warped back from the boat.

i think this was confusing bc he wasn't sure initially how to play it (he is not a lore guy by trade we all know this), and waffled back and forth with it (with fun bits like "it's tuesday" or "it's a time rift"), but he definitely did make it canon.

he has the story: the boat didn't leave, he had his warpstone. he knew they would just steal him back, like they did the first time.

he has the reason: he desperately needed to see sunny before he left; couldn't sit idly by

and he made it clear that's what he wants to have happened. he told his chat to stop "-rp point"-ing him about it multiple times bc he's trying to make it canon (and told fit the same when he came back post-ghost bit).

he also asked sunny's admin whether she wanted their interactions to be filler or canon and she chose canon

plus he had a canon interaction with forever explaining it and asking him to watch over his daughter

and he and sunny built things and interacted with each other based specifically off the info he was kidnapped, that he will have to go, and that they both knew it was coming

so while you may have to ignore or recontextualize some of the goofier interactions when he initially came back (phil/etoiles/fit stuff esp), tubbo did come back, the code attack did happen, it's already been fit into the lore, and i don't doubt sunny is going to tell fit about it this week!!

#qsmp #qsmp tubbo #i think he is largely laying low out of fear of being taken back early also bc sunny doesn't want him far from home #uhh restless djing while she sleeps aside #it's obviously a little awkward but i think it's easy enough to imagine why pac (guy who responds so well to being kidnapped historically) #might be too stuck in his own head to even think of leaving the boat #etoiles i can speak to less but like a lot of things have to be explained away #bc it's a minecraft server and people aren't always on tubbo is one of the only people who'd even be on today usually anyway #but regardless tubbo made it clear what he wants his canon to be and the admins followed suit #i for one am excited for fit resistance lore with the codes acting up and not code-tamer etoiles to help #also what will he do with sunny he can't just leave her to do his tasks #and she typically stays on way longer than ramon usually does esp since he came bacl #but this is another post entirely i just want to see the man of secrets be kindergarten cop'd #that and vibrating about purg 2