What’s your most favorite Louis moment that remembering it fills your heart with love and light?
Oh my god anon… ummm, I don’t know if you were thinking general but I’m gonna go with my personal highlights with Louis.
I think number one was in Donny, @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk and I were in an insanely good mood, and because we’re both very active dancers, we had quite some space around us after the first couple songs, and even though we were maybe sixth row, we had stellar view bc the literal gym the show was held was so tiny.
So, here we stood, feeling ourselves and going nuts for Louis, celebrating Michael’s solos and very obnoxiously made a show of us knowing all the words to 7 and Beautiful War lol, which Louis very much appreciated (he’d pointed me & my energy for his music out before at other gigs, so he might have recognised the lunatics going absolutely batshit crazy) but then - he sang Change. And like. I was mostly at the gigs of the first half of the tour, so I’ve only ever heard it once or twice live before and just hadn’t come around to properly learning the lyrics. So we had just gone absolutely crazy, making a show of it, too, and then we kind of… awkwardly hummed along to change. Like, don’t get me wrong, we were enthusiastic about it, but we literally simply didn’t know the words apart from the chorus lmao so we went from jumping scream-singing to awkwardly swaying and desperately trying to get out from under Louis’ gaze because - of course he was watching us. And he kept singing and we kept awkwardly swaying and mumbling the words looking all about this gym to the point that Louis was so amused he laughed about us, even drew michael’s attention to us to cheekily make fun of us. But it was just so pure. And we really did bring it onto ourselves. After that, we went crazy again and Michael actually threw his pick specifically to me after his solo as a thank you, in the middle of the gig - so I think we’re good. I really will never forget that, it was such camaraderie, loving teasing and it was just so much fun.
I think second favourite was Denver, because I had Center barricade and the whole show was completely different than expected but because it was the one show Louis was pissed off, it just was - let me explain. I was absolutely delighted to be Center barricade, but the moment Louis stepped onto stage, I knew something was wrong. And he was really upset (was it the teeny fans singing 1D songs in front of his tour bus while he was trying to sleep? Was it smth BTS? Idk) but to make matters worse within the first minute someone threw the infamous chicken nugget which hit him in the head. So he was proper pissed off, spent the first third of the show singing basically with his eyes closed. And I just - I didn’t know what to do? He was so close? And I wanted to comfort so badly, know what’s wrong, tell him everything will be alright. Slowly, he opened his eyes more and more and sought out contact with us fans at barricade, and it felt like he found what he was looking for, drawing from us and our support and opening up and relaxing. It was beautiful. I had the most emotional intense connection to him that show. Funny how the universe forces me to enjoy these moments, I basically have the barricade curse of my phone alerting to full storage as soon as I’ve taken two videos at barricade lol. But yeah. Will cherish that show forever although it scared the crap out of me.
Third is probably him leaning over me in London and screaming Little Black Dress at each other and that fucking smirk. Yes.
Casually walking over about to change my fucking understanding of the world
Or when he came out after the show in Dallas and we briefly talked, with not too many people around, bc they all thought he’d come out a different exit. Was amazing. He’s exactly my height but all I could think was that he’s got a whole lot less body than me lmao but that he’s also got an authority that makes him feel incredibly large.
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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one.
wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
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