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#when i’m currently hyperfixated on she-ra

my-ace-life · 6 months

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Interests Intro

I know I’m making a big assumption that anyone cares about what content I’m consuming, but when I hyperfixate on something, oh boy will I never shut up about it. So, to spare my friends and family from my extensive rants, I will be posting here about it. Feel free to not read any of this and get to the juicy stories on other parts of this blog, but to get a comprehensive view of my life as an asexual person, read ahead to see what content catches my interest!

Disclaimer: there will be a lot of discussions of old emo and pop punk bands in this section, and no I will not apologize for it.

That being said, here is a list, current to Nov 2023, of a bunch of stuff that I'm into:

Music - format: Artist {favorite album and/or “song”}

Fall Out Boy {Folie à Deux - “(Coffee’s For Closers)” and American Beauty/American Psycho - “The Kids Aren’t Alright” and Save Rock & Roll - “Miss Missing You”}

Sleep Token {Take Me Back To Eden - “Euclid” and “Chokehold”} Who gave them permission to include the lyric “So if your wings won’t find you heaven I will bring it down like an ancient bygone” in “Euclid” ??? Gives me goosebumps every time I listen

The Vaccines {“I Always Knew”}

Troye Sivan {There pretty much isn’t a song of his I don’t like, so I will just say that my favorite from his new album is “Still Got It” and I will always listen to “10/10” from In A Dream}

Wasia Project {“Remember When”}

I listen to a smattering of Kpop and Jpop bands: Official Hige Dandism, Gen Hoshino, Eve, The Oral Cigarettes, BTS, and Red Velvet

TV/Movies

Hell’s Kitchen (Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I love watching Gordon Ramsey yell at people at the end of a long day)

Heartstopper (because I am basic)

New Girl (a classic)

Red, White, & Royal Blue (also because I am basic)

Young Royals (because sometimes you need to witness a love story that will shake you to your very core)

DreamWorks’ Voltron: Legendary Defenders & She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (they are a set and no I will not be taking criticism on that)

Video Games

Five Nights at Freddy’s (I know way too much about the lore of this series. It's borderline a problem.)

Oxenfree (I haven’t played the second one yet but the first one has a very special place in my heart)

Pokémon (I’m a Brilliant Diamond/Shining Pearl stan but I understand that is probably an unpopular opinion. I just really love Luxray, okay?)

Books!

Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse: The original Shadow & Bone trilogy and the Six of Crows duology. The magic system is really unique and I love how Bardugo writes her characters.

Red, White, & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

The Simon Snow Trilogy by Rainbow Rowell

Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz. This book (and the sequel) always destroys me emotionally, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Rook by Daniel O’Malley: The only adult science fiction book series I enjoy reading

Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao: It’s like Pacific Rim combined with Chinese folk stories. It’s so cool.

#Interests

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hiyasynth · 2 years

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hi im c! multifandom (currently hyperfixed on utdr) but mostly i’m just here for the fanart & the memes. feel free to block if that makes you uncomfortable though. more info & boundaries below the cut

info (o_ _)ﾉ彡☆

✦ they/she/he

✦ nonbinary tme, queer

✦ ND

✦ 8teen

✦ mixed race latine (white, asian, & indigenous)

✦ pst

✦ infp 4w5 495 sx/sp IEI

✦ scorpio ☼ aries ☽ aquarius ↑ comforts: undertale & deltarune, slenderverse (especially marble hornets & emh!!!), kagepro, creepypasta, dsmp interests: stranger things, tokyo ghoul, south park, night in the woods, nge, league of legends, sonic fandub, danganronpa, fnaf, dracula, arcane, stardew valley, sally face, vocaloid!!

kinlist: (idc abt doubles, just for fun :])

noelle (deltarune)

haru (p5)

cassie (skins)

asriel (undertale)

butters (south park)

catra (she-ra)

effy (skins)

i rarely use tonetags & don’t usually need them (will ask for them when i do,) please dm if i do something wrong & i will do my best to stop/fix it. NSFW accounts/proshippers/truthers DNI. also i draw things sometimes. i hope u enjoy ur stay (*^^*) <3

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trashytummies · 2 years

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Unfinished One Piece vore fic

A/N: Kinda wanted to finish it but my One Piece hyperfixation has really died down and I just don’t have any more juice to keep it going. As you can probably tell, this is another sectional vore fic, so a lot of parts are just not filled in but whatever. It’s been sitting in my drafts for over a year ;A; and I even created OCs for this dumb fic adkdsdlk

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A small raft drifts in the violent current, the two occupants grab onto the flagpole and hang on for their dear lives.

“Why couldn’t you have just accepted my father’s offer for a new ship?” Reina snaps, still clasped on the pole, as she pointedly glares at both Clyde and the dingy raft; each wave that crashed into the makeshift boat caused the floorboards to creak and strain.

Clyde scoffs, his long cerulean hair blows far behind him, and Reina restrains herself from strangling him with his own hair. Maybe if he were unconscious, she wouldn’t have to deal with his stupidity.

“Do you think the Donquixote Family took ships from their paternal families? Of course not! All of Doffy’s wealth, he worked and obtained it! So, I would rather die than take pity handouts.”

Reina stares at him, a vein threatens to bulge from her temple while her eye twitches. Of all the idiots in the Donquixote Family she could have been paired with, it had to be Chameleon Clyde. She wasn’t about to go into the logistics of his code name, the man had proudly touted the name after discovering his devil fruit’s abilities. No, actually, it fit him perfectly. Absolutely moronic.

“So, even when Doffy offered to give us a larger boat, you’d still refuse?”

Clyde nods enthusiastically, and Reina finally smacks the back of his head,

“No! You moron, why didn’t you just accept it?”

With one hand still gripping on the pole, Clyde has his free hand out in a contemplative position,

“Rei, darling,” he quickly changes tone once he sees Reina’s hand curl back into a fist and another vein protrude, “I mean, don’t you want to prove to him that we’re capable of successfully completing a mission with few resources?”

“No! Why would that even—-wait, they’re here.”

The two pirates turn their attention to Sunny Go, most of the crew was already on deck, smoothly sailing through the rough waters, but with a glimpse of a straw hat, Reina’s lips curl into a cruel grin as she hones in on their unsuspecting target.

“Buzz Buzz no injection!” she calls out and a swarm of bees come out of nowhere, landing on her arms and short blonde curls. She hums, plucking out a single bee from her hair, and reaches for a small jar from her pocket, dusting the powder on the bee’s feet.

“Now go, my sweet.” lightly pinching its wings, she releases her grip once enough of the powder was distributed, “Find Monkey D. Luffy.” she sings, and by her command, the bee flutters to the nearby pirate ship.

Luffy stretches over the titanic sized leg, landing not-so gracefully on the surgeon’s kneecap.

“Oi Torao!” he shouts, trying to garner the sleeping man’s attention and, gomu gomu no pistol, inflicts a straight punch right to the denim clad knee.

No response.

“To-ra-ooooo!” he whines, but a flash of metal catches his eye. Luffy grins, shishishi, I can make Traffy’s sword knock him in the head ‘n wake him up!

He stretches an arm up to the

Law blinks away any remaining sleepiness before narrowing his eyes; something made kikoku fall on him, but what, begs the question.

His eyebrows raise slightly upon seeing a miniaturized Luffy, but at this rate, he really shouldn’t be surprised, “Mugiwara-ya.” he states, as if having a tiny Strawhat on your shoulder was typical for a Tuesday night.

“I’m cold, Torao,” Luffy announces, and Law can only gawk down at the man and stifle a yawn. It’s too early to deal with this.

“And what do you want me to do about that?”

Luffy gives him a single look-over before settling on his thick, feathered sweatshirt.

“Put me inside your shirt! Around the feathers ‘cause they look warm and fluffy!”

“…No. I’m not your personal heater,” he says, eyes slowly drooping back to sleep.

Undeterred, Luffy laughs, and Law can already feel exhaustion weigh over him like a boulder. Luffy isn’t going to let this go.

“Don’t be like that, Torao. I’d do the same for you if you were super small!”

Law sighs, and without warning, he pinches the back of Luffy’s shirt and places him in the collar of his sweatshirt, a sea of black feathers envelops him.

“Happy?” Law mutters as he slumps back into the pillar, closing his eyes. The feeling of the tiny captain pressed up against the crook of his neck was discerning, to say the least, but as long as Luffy wouldn’t bother him for the rest of the—-

“Eh? I’m still cold.”

Of course it wouldn’t be that easy.

Heaving a long sigh, Law plucks Luffy from his shirt collar and rests him on his palm. He watches Luffy wobble on his hand, his smile unwavering as he hangs on a finger, stretching his body downwards. Tch, at least one of us is amused with this situation. He thinks as Luffy bounces back up, his trademark laugh

“I got it! You can put me inside you,” Luffy says, out of nowhere, and Law balks, an involuntary flush of embarrassment washes over his cheeks as he wonders if he heard Strawhat correctly.

“Excuse me?”

Luffy grins wide, as if the answer was glaringly obvious, and a vein pops in Law’s temple. He was going to kill this brat.

“You know, in your belly. You didn’t eat a lot at the party, so there wouldn’t be much in there anyways, and it’d be nice ’n warm!”

“No.”

“Wha—but,” Luffy starts, but Law shoots it down immediately.

“No. You’re not going inside me.”

Luffy crosses his arms, clearly annoyed with the answer as his brow deepens, dark eyes staring into Law’s tired ones.

“Hah? Why?”

Law sighs as the smaller’s straw hat ruffles in the wind, he adjusts it with a finger. Luffy shivers as the cold bites his exposed skin, at this rate, he was going to get hypothermia. Law groans and begrudgingly cups his hand around Strawhat to supply some warmth. The other man is freezing to the touch, but as Law moves the hand closer to his chest, Luffy’s shivering goes down as he holds onto the wedge of Law’s thumb for support.

“I could digest you.” he knows this isn’t true, given Luffy’s rubber biology, but at this point, he’s willing to take a shot in the dark.

“I can’t die, I’m made of rubber, stupid.” Luffy pouts and Law racks his brain for reasons why he’s not letting the shrunken captain inside his stomach because of course, personal space and rationale doesn’t exist to Strawhat.

“It’s—it’s still a massive invasion of privacy, not happening, Mugiwara-ya.”

“Torao! It’s so cold and it wouldn’t be for long!”

“No. Why don’t you just ask one of your cremates?”

“I can’t, they’re asleep.”

“So was I, stop pestering me about it.” he hisses, trying to keep his voice as low as possible so the damned clown doesn’t wake.

“But you’re not now, so let me warm up in you.” Luffy says with such finality as dark eyes challenge his own for a solid minute, the two captains stay silent in their showdown until Law finally concedes.

He hoists the miniature

The stomach was fairly empty, save for some water and sake from earlier that night.

“Torao-kun, have you seen Luffy?” Nami yawns, trudging out from the woman’s quarters with a barely awake Momonosuke in her arms.

“Who knows.” he says simply, and before Nami could question him further, he drifts off. He’ll fill them in on their captain’s whereabouts when the sun rises, but right now, he just wants to finally be able sleep.

#unfinished vore fic #one piece vore #ew sorry for this #i just wanted like one fic with pred!law #pred!law #fandom vore #vore writing #soft vore #safe vore #edit: i actually might end up finishing this #the latest chapter kinda ignited my hyperfixation oop

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n7punk · 3 years

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What's your writing ritual/routine like? I think it's really impressive how consistently you update and post your stories (and even have that words for the year goal on your blog). It's like you're a living representation of all those professional authors giving their advice to "write consistently on a schedule, whether you feel like it or not."

Okay, I’m going to publish this because this, and similar questions, come up for me a lot! This is going to be another addition in my meta series unrestricted to a single fic.

All fics: Writing process

First of all, that advice is actually Highly Accurate to what I do. Some days I write 200 words. Some days I write 12k. It is extremely rare for a day to pass when I do not write at least a few hundred words in at least one of my fics (usually I only write for my current fic, but I may outline others, or occasionally write a few scenes if they come to me and I don’t want to lose them). Part of the way I keep my motivation is sticking to one project: If I want to write that new, shiny idea, then I have to finish this one first.

My focus is scattered and all over the place. The difference between the 200 word and 12k days is not because I was busier on those lower days: those are two real days’ stats from when I did Nanowrimo this year, and I was actually busier on the 12k day. However, it was a mix of being hyperfocused (on writing and not studying, Oops) and having the motivation that made me pump out 12k that day.

I don’t have a writing “ritual” so much as writing is my primary focus. I take breaks from it to get on social media, do work, play video games, etc, but She-ra is my current hyperfixation and so writing for it - even disconnected scenes that don’t go in any fic, or fic ideas I’ll never write outside of my head - is kind of always on my mind in a way.

In general, I keep the word document for my current fic (and its additional extras/outline/cut scenes document, every fic gets two docs) open on my desktop at all times. I switch over to it often. If I have work to do, it’s always like I’m trying to get that work done so I can get back to the thing I really want to do and enjoy: writing. If I’m doing something else I enjoy, I’ll do it for a while (sometimes even hours) until it is no longer catching my interest, and then I return to writing.

When I write, I put a playlist or a song on loop (and if I can’t concentrate with one, I switch or put on white noise) and then I just. go. If something I’m writing is feeling off, or not capturing the right mood, or I get a better idea, or I’m just not vibing with it, I go back (sometimes a few lines, sometimes a few paragraphs, sometimes even a few scenes) and just start writing it over, sometimes with the same general setting/plot for the scene, and sometimes with a completely different one. I save the original take in case I like it better or can reuse it elsewhere, only getting rid of it if I don’t think I can repurpose it and I don’t like it better. Usually I get rid of the majority of or all of the cut scenes from a fic at the end of it, especially if they’re setting specific, but some of them go into my “random snippets” file for later reuse in other fics (fun fact: ‘a strange disease like me’ has a scene from SLAS in it lmao). I also occasionally post them here instead if I know I’m not reusing them but I still kinda like them.

Because the way I write is very much “coming and going” from the word doc, when I come back I usually go back to the beginning of the current scene, a few before that, or even the beginning of the chapter depending how far in I am, and reread/edit what I’ve written to “get back into it” and then pick up writing where I left off once I reach it. When I was writing ‘catcher’ (my first multichapter fic, so my longform skills weren’t as honed) I would literally start reading it from the very beginning all the way to the end of what I had written every morning when I sat down to work on it. I never do this now, at most starting with the chapter before (and that much is Very Rare, usually I just stay in the chapter I’m currently writing) when I’m trying to get back in the swing after a gap, whether that gap was a few minutes, hours, or even overnight. Exceptions to this are only if I really feel like I’ve lost the thread/vibe or am trying to make sure I’m not going through too big of a tone shift.

I “come and go” from my word document so much (I’ve been bouncing in and out even as I reply to this) that sometimes I even leave it off mid-sentence as I get distracted. I don’t have a dedicated time where I write - I’m just always writing around everything else I’m trying to do in a day. And honestly, I was this way even before I was writing fanfictions down on my computer. All my writing and stories happened in my head, but they were always happening. That is still where my fanfics start. A lot of them start with ideas and thoughts coming to me as I drive or go to sleep/wake up, since my brain is “unoccupied” then and makes its own entertainment. I often arrive at a location and pull out my phone to make a quick note/outline of the scene that just played out in my head (often, I’ll replay the same scene(s) until I can get to my computer to write things down).

After Chapter 6 of ASGNE (or perhaps after Chapter 7 to avoid spoilers, we’ll see), I’ll do a post comparing the outline with the final product and talking about how I go from those scenes in my head to the words on the page. This is pretty much my writing process for as far as writing my words down goes though.

Because I often restart/start rereading at the scene before to get back in the swing, I do editing as I write, but I consider the chapter after I have finished writing it the “rough draft” of that chapter. After I’ve written one chapter using this method, I move onto the next and repeat the process. Once the rough draft of that second chapter is done, I go back and edit the first chapter, going more in depth with my fixes, cutting lines and adding in entire paragraphs and sometimes scenes to make the whole thing flow better, both within itself and into the next chapter. I then post the first chapter and set to making my rough draft of the next chapter (the third one in this case). Once that’s done, I edit the second chapter and repeat, etc.

The editing process time varies wildly. I always post a chapter right after I finish editing, unless it’s late at night, in which case I post it first thing in the morning. Sometimes editing takes less than hour - sometimes it takes four, if major changes are needed (especially scene rewrites, additions, or reordering). I’d say the majority of the time it takes me less than two hours to do the final edit. However, keep in mind that I have already read/edited the scenes probably close to a dozen times (if not more, in some cases at least) already as I’ve written the other scenes in the chapter.

Alright, that’s about as comprehensive as I can get on my writing process! It’s probably (definitely) more than you were asking for, but it is something I get asked a lot in different variations, so I wanted to cover the various questions I get about it (especially the “how do you write this much?” question, seeing as there is no answer I can give to this other than I want to).

#ficmeta #all fics #telennarre #ask #i just realized how long this is so i added a read more fkgjndnjkgfd #fic rambling #writing process

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drysauce · 3 years

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41 and 46?

hmm I don't think that I have a favorite cartoon, I generally really like watching cartoons but I'm not sure if I have one that I really really like

back in middle school I was hyperfixating on steven universe but it was quite some time ago and currently I wouldn't say that it's my favorite cartoon anymore

generally atla was great, over the garden wall was awesome, adventure time, she-ra, I liked all of them, currently I'm watching the owl house because it's airing and it's also great

and when I'm sad I just need people to leave me alone, I don't have energy to deal with them

#ask #noncommittalhum

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midnights-wonderland · 3 years

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i got tagged by @cl0udstrife thank youuu! 🥺👉🏼👈🏼

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better;

yall, I have like 2 really cool blogs I follow and I lack mutes, so whoever wants to do this you can, I’ll be tagging the few cool blogs I follow tho! @satanixx-xxinatas @midnightcrossing @starry-catpaws

name: Nix

age: 20

gender: enby/non-binary

star sign: cancer sun, pisces moon, aquarius rising

height: 5’3/‘4ish?

time: 10:14am

birthday: june 22

favorite bands: broadside, twenty one pilots, point north, good kid, the wrecks, issues, all time low

favorite solo artists: EDEN, Billie Eilish, Halsey, Shawn Wasabi’s p good too. I need to try and listen to more Mothica and music in general, I’ve just been mainly sticking away from it because of sensory issues though 😅 Id be lying if I said I wasn’t listening to Dark Academia playlists on YouTube too

song stuck in my head: square pusher by Shawn Wasabi - (feat. Mothica) by the end ; Achillies if you know dark academia you know what I’m talking about

last movie: Holes or Home, maybe Smurfs because of my dad lmao

last show: She-Ra

when did you create this blog: Hella recently, made my old blog back in like 2013 though. @midnightswonderland probably deactivating it soon though.

what do i post: whatever fandom im hyperfixating on, videogames, quotes, aesthetics, art, I’d post astrology but that goes here -> @midnightmoonbb

last thing googled: square pusher because i couldn’t remember if that was the name of the song stuck in my head lmao

do i get asks: not really, tho all are welcome ^-^

why i chose my url: i always try to keep midnight in the name somewhere. It’s the name of my late childhood cat 🐈‍⬛ 💜

why you originally joined tumblr: a friend was like use this and i was like idk how but aight 🤷🏽

why you stayed: the memes, fandoms, and the fact that i can be myself without reprocussions

average hours of sleep: HA; i wish i had an average. I’ll admit I used to but ever since COVID that went down the drain

lucky numbers: 2, 7, 14

instruments: i dunno a lot on it but my girl got me a kalimba and I know the one avatar song, laverder town (used to), and jingle bells lmao

what am i wearing: a darling in the franxx oversized shirt bc pjs

dream job: writer, traveler, spiritual teacher, author, influencer

dream trip: italy or maybe the maldives

last book i read: TW And The Trees Crept In by Dawn Curtagich; was reading it for Halloween and it ended up being a psychological thriller and lemme tell you it was tough to get through.

currently in the middle of: Keeping Her Keys by Cyndi Brannen and Feed by Mira Grant

favorite food: chicken; I wish i were kidding ive probably eaten my weight 100 times over in chicken lmao

nationality: american ; unfortunately

favorite song: oof, at the moment? Point North - Into The Dark or Mr. Loverman - Ricky Montgomery

top three fictional universes: currently - She-Ra, The Owl House, and Little Witch Academia

Of all time - The Vampire Diaries, The 100, and Teen Wolf

#me #about me #my post #meme tag #frens #mutes #mutuals do dis

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afoolforatook · 4 years

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A RWBY V7 Ep12 rant.....When I say this is long..... Legit was fucking 37 pages double spaced at one point. Sorry....

Before this gets started I want to warn you, this is long (even longer than I thought it’d be going in). It’s probably too long ... actually it is definitely too long but if I agonize over editing it down again and again I won’t get it up before the finale. It’s probably repetitive at times, and most certainly not anything I’ll be showing off as an example of my top essay writing. And I want to be able to say that the length pays off because I have some grand hopeful insight at the end. I want to say I know things will be okay. But the fact that I can’t is exactly why I’m writing this, and why it’s so long. So if you need this to have a hopeful ending, I’m sorry, I don’t have one for you currently. I want to, so badly. But to me false hope would be even worse. So if you can’t handle another long post that doesn’t end with a way to fix things, it’s okay, take care of yourself. But maybe the most hopeful thing I can tell you, and tell you up front, is that you aren’t alone in your pain.

I want to preface this all with one more thing: I don’t hate CRWBY. I respect them, support them. I’ve wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt as much as I could. That doesn’t mean I can’t criticize them or expect more from them or just be plain angry with them. I can be vocal about all of that without harassing them, without hating them. I don’t think they’re just plain evil or homophobic. I still want to believe that they can do things that will allow me to trust them again. Maybe it’s naive, but I want to, at the very least, still have hope that this wasn’t malicious, just very poorly conceived and executed.

And I know that other people who are hurting like me are lashing out towards CRWBY. And while I don’t at all condone that kind of reaction, I can understand it to an extent. Because I’m very, very hurt and angry and it would be so easy to let loose and say all the awful stuff I want to in my anger. To yell and call people out and not care how I come across. It would definitely be a lot easier than spending all week writing this long thing and agonizing over making it perfect. There is nothing wrong with venting and being raw and open and angry, but just as we want CRWBY to be aware that their actions can truly hurt people, we need to be conscious of the fact that so can ours. Many people are very hurt right now. And whether or not you think it was queerbaiting/BYG or not, or even whether or not you just think it was bad writing, no one has the right to invalidate the people who are hurting right now, many of whom are queer people dealing with personal traumas and mental illness.

The few people who are attacking CRWBY and other fans (and there is a difference between being angry and vocal about that anger and just attacking them) do not invalidate the hurt people are feeling. If you are hurt or angry you have every right to be. You have every right to stop watching the show or leave the fandom, or communicate your hurt to CRWBY. But communicate means just that; communicate. Talk. You can be as angry as you are, you don’t have to temper your pain to be more tolerable to the people who caused that pain. But there is a difference between being harsh and honest about how hurt you are, and harassing real people. And I won’t say “harassing real people over a fictional character/show” because I know it’s more complicated than that. My hurt this past week isn’t over a fictional character or a ship. It’s about me and what I’ve been through and the fact that the very thing that gave me strength in hard times was turned into something that confirmed my biggest fears and hurt me immensely.

The world always gets so sentimental when we see things about fictional stories giving people some comfort, and we celebrate that. But as soon as people say they can be hurt just as much by media, we lash out, say they’re overreacting, that they’re just getting upset over fictional characters. But you can’t have it both ways. We can’t want fiction to be important and inspiring to people and then belittle people who are negatively impacted by the same material, especially when often that vulnerability comes from a history of trauma and/or being neurodivergent. I am extremely hurt. I feel betrayed and abandoned and angry. And it will take time for me to process all of that and move past it. But I can be all of those things without attacking CRWBY or the people who might disagree with me.

To me, this isn’t about disagreeing. We can argue forever about whether or not this was queerbaiting or bury your gays or poor writing (and I honestly at this moment don’t even know what I think about all of that because I’m not in that headspace currently) but the fact is that there are many, many people who feel it was, and who are hurting because of that, and whether you believe it was or not does not give you the right to invalidate the real pain that they are feeling. Who is right is less important than the fact that people, people who were already vulnerable, have been hurt. So, please. Respect each other. Respect those who are hurting. Respect those who aren’t and don’t understand, and respect CRWBY. You can still be angry and speak out without attacking others.

With that said, to fully understand why this has affected me so much, and why it’s going to take a long time for me to get back to where I was, regardless of how the volume ends, there are things you need to know about my history. It’s a lot of background and this is already going to be a longer post than I’d really like, but it’s important to understanding why RWBY is so important to me, and thus able to have such a negative effect on me. So please, bear with me. Also, fair warning, though at this point it’s probably obvious, but my story isn’t happy. I still haven’t found my own positive ending to it. If it’s too much for you to read right now, please, like I said before, take care of yourself.

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Farley. I’m 24, nonbinary (they/them), biromantic, demisexual. I have MDD, GAD, ADHD, Panic Disorder, OCD, Comorbid PTSD, and am trying to get an official autism diagnosis. I’m a full on alphabet soup. I struggle with imposter syndrome, intrusive thoughts, self-isolation, dermatillomania, and multiple trauma related phobias. My queer and neurodivergent identities are huge parts of my life and I try to be as open as possible about them, in the hopes of helping end the stigma around them. One of the main ways I cope with my mental health issues on a day to day basis is through hyperfixations. While it might not technically be the healthiest method, it’s what I’ve found to work for me when I’m in a really bad place and unable to practice more active coping skills. Through stories and characters that I relate to, I can separate my problems from myself a little and both escape from them for a while when needed, and view them a little more clearly from a new perspective.

That’s some important info about me, but what really matters here is the past five years of my life and the trauma within them.

In October of 2015, a few months into my sophomore year of college, I went into a deep depression, mostly brought on by multiple family deaths and stresses over the past summer that I had not properly had time to process and recover from. I quit my job as an RA and withdrew from school and moved back home with my parents. While this was the right decision at the time, it wasn’t easy. I left a very close group of friends at school, and didn’t really have a strong support system at home aside from my parents. My friends from high school had all gone off to college themselves, and the few that still lived in town were often busy with work or school. And because I have an intense fear of driving and needed time to get myself in a better place before starting a job, I ended up spending most of my time home alone. I became more and more isolated, to the point of verging on agoraphobic, and my parents and I started thinking about ways I could basically get my life started again.

But isolation messes with your head, and makes you want to just isolate more and more. In mid February of 2016 I started to really work on being social again. Mostly because I started talking to my best friend from high school, Emma, regularly again. She knew I was struggling, and while I’ve always had a hard time keeping in touch with people, Emma has always been the person I never felt self conscious about going to. We talked everyday. After high school, Emma’s mom and younger brother had moved to Ohio (I live in NC) and Emma had gone to school in Oregon. Her father lives in Germany. So between visiting her family in Ohio and Germany she didn’t have a lot of time during breaks to come back to NC to visit friends. Since we graduated I’d only seen her once for about 12 hours during that awful summer. But now we were skyping and chatting everyday. And slowly I started to be less and less scared of being more social. I wanted to hang out with friends. I was excited about going back to school in the fall.

Something important to understand about me and Emma is how close we’ve always been. We’d been best friends since 8th grade. We told each other we were soulmates, soulfriends, when we were 15. Nearly everyone in our small high school thought we were dating at one time or another. I always knew I loved her. I was fine with our relationship being “only” platonic. Because platonic wasn’t “only”. It was absolutely perfect. It was having her as one of the most important people in my life, and me in hers, and that’s all I wanted. But I also knew that if she ever wanted to try a romantic relationship, I’d be open.

Around the time I left school Emma had been going through a lot herself. She was finally getting help for her own mental health issues and she was, for the first time, really thinking about her identity and sexuality. On May 4th 2016 she texted me like always, but this time she was nervous. She wanted to tell me something. She said she was still confused about her sexuality and didn’t know where she fell. But when she tried to think of being with someone, the only person she pictured was me. And I told her basically what I just told you. So we started talking about testing out us being a couple. She had already been planning to come to NC to visit after she went to Ohio later that month for her brother’s high school graduation. And my parents were going on a two week vacation around that time as well. So we decided that she would come and stay with me for two weeks. We would keep this to ourselves until then, so that we could see if this was really the best thing for us. And if so, then we’d tell people. We’d always talked about living together after school, but now we wanted to see exactly what we wanted our relationship to be. She bought a bus ticket for May 26th and would stay through June 10th or so, which would mean she’d be there for her 20th birthday on June 5th. We talked everyday about our plans for her visit. How excited we were, how we could cook dinner together and dance around the house in our underwear, and just get to be Us again. We talked to friends, planning to visit friends from high school and maybe even my friends from college.

On May 18th I texted Emma around 11 pm. I hadn’t heard from her all day which was unusual but she was in Ohio celebrating her mom’s birthday and getting ready for her brother’s graduation that weekend, so she was probably just busy. We’d told each other goodnight every night for months at that point. So I told her I loved her and was so excited to see her in just over a week.

The next morning it was a bit odd that she still hadn’t texted me back but again, I just assumed she was busy with family. And then the mail came, and the last part of a birthday present I was making for her arrived. So I got to work, giddy.

Around 2 pm my other best friend from high school, Juli, called me. For some reason I decided I’d just call her back later, I was too engrossed in making Emma’s present. About 20 minutes later I heard a knock on my door and turned to see my parents standing in the doorway to my room. I vividly remember spinning around happily and saying “Hey! Everything okay?” even as I noticed the tears on my dad’s face and how pale my mom was. My stomach knotted and I stood as my mom said “N-no. Honey…..” and walked towards me. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her to say that a grandparent or aunt or uncle had died. But as she got closer and put a shaking hand on my shoulder, I got a little more confused, a different kind of scared. One of my cousins? One of my baby cousins?

Nothing could have prepared me for her telling me that there’d been an accident in Ohio. That Emma, and her mom, and her brother, and her aunt had been in a crash…. And that all four of them had been killed on impact. The only thing I remember about the rest of the night is the pain of continuously screaming, punching the wall until my dad stopped me, and calling my friends from college, trying to have someone to talk to, someone who I could call who wouldn’t also be mourning. I couldn’t handle my own grief, let alone anyone else’s at that moment.

There’s a lot more to that story. There’s the memorial service in Ohio and meeting her dad and stepmom for the first time. There’s the service we put together at our high school and seeing our friend group all together again, except not. There’s the panic attacks every time I saw a garbage truck, or my parents drove off to work.

But most importantly for what you need to know right now, is my sliding back into isolation. I barely ever saw my friends from home and every time I did for the next two years it had something to do with mourning Emma. I saw my college friends a few times; them coming to visit or me taking a bus to stay the weekend. But eventually they went back to school and I stayed at home. I drifted away from high school friends because I didn’t know how to handle being with them when everything we did together reminded me of what I’d lost. I didn’t know how to talk to them because I needed their support but knew I didn’t have it in me to be supportive of them, and that wasn’t fair. I drifted away from my college friends for the same reasons, and even more so as the group dynamic that I had left slowly changed and faded until I didn’t know who was talking to who anymore and I again felt bad for dumping my shit on them when I couldn’t do the same. I began to think that all I brought to any social interaction was my pain and hopelessness. I would just bring everyone else down. They shouldn’t have to deal with my pain. So a year after I left school I was even more alone. I’d lost or pushed away all the people in my life that I’d expected to be lifelong friends, family. And I didn’t know how to begin to fix that. I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t know if I deserved to.

The only reason I was even still alive was because anytime I even got close to thinking about hurting myself, I could just sense Emma glaring at me, yelling at me, telling me that I couldn’t let this stop me from living out all those dreams we’d talked about. And I knew that my life wasn’t just mine anymore, that all those dreams, that bond, the parts of my favorite person that only I knew, would be lost if I died.

But I didn't have my friends to vent to, and as supportive as my parents were (I’d told them and a few close friends about me and Emma that first terrible week) I needed friends. But I didn’t know how to reconnect and I was too scared to go out and meet new people, especially knowing that at some point I’d have to drop the “dead girlfriend” bomb on them, and who’d want to stick around after that? So I tried to use media and hyperfixations to pull myself out of spirals, like I always had. But it was hard. Because most of the things that had been comforting before were all things I’d shared with Emma, and so now they were just more reminders of her absence. And even new things I found soon turned rotten because I couldn’t help but think about how I wish I could show it to Emma. Everything that made me happy for even a moment would pretty soon make me sad.

Eventually I found things that comforted me and helped me be creative again and that led me to starting school again, nearly three years after I’d left, at SCAD. I loved the classes. I wanted to be there. I’ve always been a fiction writer but now there was so much in my head that I needed to get out, to process, and to share with people, especially people like me dealing with an unimaginable grief. Those past few years had been made even more difficult by the lack of representation I found in grief material. Everything was either about grieving the elderly, not someone who’d barely even gotten to live. Or if it was about someone young it was due to suicide or disease or violence; in other words things that at the very least, left the grieving with some cause to care about, or something to be angry at, some real world outlet. I didn’t have that. I didn’t relate to that. And even harder was finding anything I could relate to that included the complexities that my queer identity put on my grief; there were people I could and couldn’t tell about our relationship. Did I say I lost my best friend or my girlfriend? What if her family didn’t approve and wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t let me have any of her things, wouldn’t want me around? And one of the biggest things I kept thinking those first few months; why had my life become a ‘bury your gays’ soap opera plot line. Was Emma supposed to just be my tragic backstory now? Was I just supposed to use this as angsty fodder for the rest of my life? What about her? What about her dreams, her potential? What about her progress? She’d just gotten to a place where she was accepting herself. Where she was overcoming her mental health issues, where she was proud of who she was. Why was I allowed to keep going and she wasn’t? I couldn’t find any support for these feelings. Not books or groups or forums. So I decided to make them myself. I started writing and drawing, putting together what I called my Grief Scrapbook. I was working towards the thing that mattered to me more than anything; telling our story. I was getting the chance to create the content I’d so desperately needed.

But I was still alone, even at school. I was 23 living with mostly 18/19 year olds. And while there wasn’t anything wrong with them, I was struggling with a strong sense of dissociation. Everywhere I looked I saw Emma, forever 19. And there I was, continuing to age and getting further and further away from her.

My first year at SCAD I made two friends, and while I love them, they didn’t fulfill the hole left by the large close knit groups of friends I’d lost. I tried to get back in touch with my best friend from college, only to find that she was no longer talking to me. And I don’t blame her really. Yes I’d been going through things, but so had she, and I hadn’t been able to be a good friend for her. So if she needed to move on for her own good, no matter how sad that made me, she had every right to do what was best for her, just as I had been trying to do.

I’m now in my second year at SCAD and recently started hanging out with a new group. And they’re great and I’m slowly feeling more confident and secure around them, but I still struggle. I still miss the relationships I held so dear, the relationships I let dissolve. I still worry I’ll never have that kind of connection with people again, and that if I do somehow manage to find it, I’ll mess it up again. Some days are particularly rough, when I sit with my thoughts too long, or see something that reminds me of any one of the many people I miss, and I ache for the happiness I had. And it’s those moments when I turn to hyperfixations (I do promise this is getting to RWBY).

This past February the final How To Train Your Dragon movie came out. The HTTYD franchise holds a very dear place in my heart, as it was my main hyperfixation during high school, and something I shared with Emma and other friends. The second film came out the day of my graduation. It was the last movie Emma and I saw together before she moved to Ohio and then went to school in Oregon. It was the last movie we saw together at all. I knew it was going to be very emotional for me to see the final movie, alone now. But I had to see it opening night. And (spoilers for The Hidden World I guess) the movie ended up being about the reality of having to let go of the important people from your childhood as you grow up. About dealing with the fact that sometimes the people you expected to always be a part of your life, aren’t. I loved the movie, but it destroyed me. A few months later I had to get through May, the 3rd anniversary, away from home for the first time. And it was extremely difficult. I’d had to take a break from HTTYD and process things.

So my main hyperfixations weren’t helping me get through a really difficult time. But around the time HTTYD 3 came out I happened to get back into RWBY. I’d watched the first season or so when it first came out, but then had just kind of forgotten about it. And so, in the absence of HTTYD, I got caught up. And I can’t say there weren’t things that hurt, that made me have to take a moment and collect myself. Watching the end of volume three, watching Pyrrha and Jaune finally kiss, and then watch their relationship die with her before they even had a chance to be together, hit way too close to home. Logically I should have projected on Jaune more than I did but I think I couldn’t, because it wasn’t just similar, it felt like I was literally watching the worst moment of my life play out. He was too much like me to handle. But there was Qrow. And at first I just kind of latched onto him because I liked him. I like his characterization, his design, and I was a fan of V*c ( I hate to even mention him here for fear of causing a totally different discourse, but Emma and I were big fans of his and high school and met him and when everything happened with him it was just another thing that felt like a good memory of Emma had been tainted.)

And so I was watching while the last half of volume six was airing. And I was watching Qrow slip further and further into his depression. I watched as he felt betrayed by Oz after grieving him and then getting him back. I thought more about how he’d basically lost his sister, about how he’d grieved for Summer (regardless of whether it was platonic or romantic), how he lost hope in having strong relationships ever again. How he felt cursed and how he pushed people away to protect them and himself from more pain. I saw how the Apathy affected him and how close he was to giving in before Ruby and Weiss snapped him out of it. I saw him struggle to get himself back together for Ruby and the rest of the kids, but not know how. I saw every single fear I’d struggled with those past few years in him. I related to Qrow more than I’d ever expected to. And so my hyperfixation on RWBY grew. His addiction was my isolation. His insecurities of hurting others and thus pushing them away was my fear that for the rest of my life, I would be alone because I was always going to be too broken to be worthy of friends and love.

And then everything happened with V*c and for a bit everything hurt again and I had to get away from RWBY and the toxicity within parts of the fandom. And when I was able to come back I was excited but worried. I hoped that Qrow would continue to develop, continue to progress alongside me, that I would like his new actor enough to finish healing the sting I’d felt over V*c. I just wanted Qrow back, I wanted this character to be there to help me again.

Because Qrow Branwen gave me hope. He gave me hope that I could get better. He gave me hope that even with my insecurities and trauma, something I’ll never be fully free from, I can deserve people who care about me, and that there are actually people who will care about me. He gave me hope that good things can still happen to broken people. And not just people who were once broken and have healed, but people who are still figuring out how to heal, who know they will never fully heal, but also know they still are worthy of support and care. And then volume 7 started and I got more than I’d ever dreamed.

There was the hug with Ironwood. And even though I shipped Ironqrow, the idea of there being a romantic aspect to that hug wasn’t what made it important. It was the fact that we got Qrow connecting with an old ally (and an adult), finding that he even still had an old ally. That despite everything that had happened with Oz and Lionheart, despite all the trust he’d had broken, maybe he wasn’t actually alone yet. And then we got Clover. I’ll admit I was wary of him at first. I was worried about the traitor theories, the death theories, and then the theories that he’d negatively affect Qrow, making him feel worse about his semblance. But then he grew on me so quickly. Because he smiled at Qrow. He got him to talk about himself, called him out when he was putting himself down, told him how well he was doing. And while it’s wasn’t because of Clover, he was sober, and Clover had to at the very least help him stay that way. Qrow was hunching less when he walked, opening up, being more vulnerable and social. He was smiling, laughing, making jokes. He had a steady partner that he trusted and worked well with, likely for the first time since team STRQ. And yes, I shipped them, but honestly while I would have still been disappointed if it was never canon, given how blatant it really seemed like it could be, it would ultimately have been okay. Because again, it was less about Qrow finding love and more about him finding support. And then I saw Qrow and Clover and Robyn team up, and whether it was canon or just fandom I felt represented. Not just in the way I had with Qrow about my mental health, but as a queer person struggling with complicated grief; the exact thing I had never been able to find and had taken upon myself to create for others. I saw Qrow being loved (again, whether platonic or romantic isn’t as important) and healing. Even if Fairgame never actually happened, I could still see them as queer characters helping each other process trauma. And maybe I set myself up in a bubble part of the fandom that fully convinced me that Fairgame was possible, but at the very least I truly, undoubtedly thought that Clover would side with Qrow.

And as I watched episode 12, I could feel my stomach sinking. Okay Clover didn’t side with Qrow at first, but maybe he’ll come around. Okay maybe he won’t come around, but maybe he’ll take Qrow in and they’ll have time to talk, maybe even with Ironwood. But then Clover abandons the ship, abandons Qrow and I was scrambling even more for hope that things would be okay. Maybe he’s trying to get away to diffuse things. But then “Never pegged you for the manipulative type” the first sign of Qrow doubting their entire relationship, of feeling betrayed again. And then Clover calls Qrow cynical? Maybe I’m forgetting something, cause I haven’t gone back and analyzed every scene with them, but I can’t remember Qrow ever being cynical around Clover this volume that we’ve seen. Self-deprecating yes, but this is legitimately the happiest and most secure we’ve ever seen Qrow. But okay maybe they’ll reason and Clover will come around. But then “We don’t have to fight, friend.” and it’s friend not Qrow. And then “You don’t know my friends. That’s how it always goes.” and I broke. I almost stopped there, a part of me wishes I had. Because it was already so broken, this thing that had even in the past few weeks, been a main pillar of hope for me. But maybe they’ll come together to fight Tyrian. And then Qrow goes after Tyrian and Clover keeps attacking Qrow. Well maybe he’s really trying to protect him, or has some plan. But then they continue to fight each other. And they don’t have even a moment of “who’s the bigger threat here? Us or the serial killer?” And then Qrow works with Tyrian?! Tyrian the serial killer? Tyrian the unstable maniac? Tyrian who tried to take Ruby? Tyrian who nearly killed Qrow? Tyrian who fucking worships Salem, who Qrow has spent most of his life fighting, has lost Summer to, and countless other traumas? (and I get the possible reasons, realizing that Clover won’t lay off of him so Tyrian is his best bet and then he can take care of Tyrian, but I still don’t like it. But this isn’t even about whether or not I think it’s good writing or characterization and it’s too long already to get into that.) And then Tyrian and Qrow fight so well together and I honestly felt sick. We haven’t seen Qrow work that well with anyone. Not RWBY, not Ironwood, not Clover. And now we see it with fucking Tyrian? And maybe it’s a stretch but it honestly felt like another nail in the “Qrow attracts bad” coffin that is his insecurities. Qrow and Tyrian fight nearly perfectly together and it felt so damn wrong. Clover’s wrong here, Qrow’s wrong here, and it all feels so very very wrong based on the entire progression of their relationship throughout the volume. And then Qrow takes down Clover’s aura and I’m just empty. There’s no hint of him trying to just beat Clover and not kill him. He has no reason to think that Tyrian won’t actually go for the kill during this fight. But they continue to have these snippets of “We don’t have to fight” or “I want to trust you” while showing no signs of holding back and still caring about the other’s well being. And then Qrow’s voice breaking during “Why couldn’t you just do the right thing…”. We’ve literally never seen Qrow this emotionally compromised, let alone during a fight. He’s crumbling because he finally had someone who made him think he could get better, that he could have close relationships, that he could be good for the people around him. And now he’s losing it.

I was broken here, I was already spiraling. I knew Clover would get hit. I knew I would be struggling to deal with this episode because I had so fully expected a different course. But I thought there could still be hope. There had to still be hope. CRWBY wouldn’t give us all that development, wouldn’t show Qrow finally happy without leaving some hope for things turning around in the finale. He’d get hit by Tyrian’s stinger and Qrow would have to work to save him and they’d work things out. But then “I trust James with my life… and I wanted to trust you.” And I’m sobbing. Because I get it, Clover’s loyal, but when Qrow’s face hardens I know what he’s thinking. What he’s trying not to think but it’s so hard to fight: “Maybe it is me. Maybe I can’t be trusted. Maybe I’ve ruined things again”. Even though he knows what James is doing is wrong. But he trusted James, he trusted Clover. And he thought they trusted, cared for him. And now they’ve both turned against him and no matter how much he knows he’s doing the right thing, he can’t help but worry that he’s still the thing broken here, that he still messed up somewhere and ruined the relationships he needed so much. I was breaking more and more as I watched this source of my own hope lose all hope.

And then Harbinger. The weapon Qrow built himself. That he modeled after his hero. The literal extension of his soul. And only moments before, Qrow destroyed the one thing that might have protected Clover. Clover’s emblem falls. Tyrian with “Like you killed Clover”. And yeah yeah Qrow being framed is heartbreaking. But it’s more that he’ll believe it. He did. He fucked everything up again. He tried so hard to do the right thing and still managed to hurt the person he cared about. And if Clover, the foil to his bad luck, could be destroyed by his semblance, how does anyone else stand a chance? And then blaming James. Swearing to make him pay (I honestly don’t remember if he says make him pay or kill him but I physically can’t rewatch that scene to see which it was). And yes he blames James. He hates James. It was the last straw breaking on someone he wanted to trust so much, wanted to have as a friend. But he still blames himself. He still knows he’s cursed and all the progress he’d made with Clover’s help is ripped away.

And then “Good luck”. I’ve seen people saying it’s sweet, that it’s a moment of reconciliation, of Clover showing he still cares. And I don’t necessarily disagree. But I hate it. Because Qrow won’t take it that way. It’s just another reminder that good luck is out of his reach. And then the goddamn sky and the bi flag colors. And then we see Qrow cry for the first time. And then…. The scream…. I literally nearly vomited and that was the thing that sent me over the edge into full blown panic attack. Because I know that fucking scream. I know how it feels. I hear it ringing in my ears, I feel my throat getting raw. I could hear and see and feel myself in the same position. The nightmare I’d fought off for years; kneeling over Emma’s body and there being nothing I can do but scream and scream as the last of the hope I was clutching to faded with her… with Clover’s eyes.

It wasn’t that Clover died. It wasn’t that my ship won’t happen. It was how traumatizing it was. It was that Harbinger was now defiled. It was that Qrow set it up to happen. It was the sky. It was seeing the light go out of Clover’s eyes. It was Qrow’s scream. We’ve never seen a death like this on RWBY before. Yes we watched Pyrrha’s death. But there was no blood. We didn’t see her bleed out. We didn’t see the exact moment the light left her eyes. We saw Adam stabbed and some bleeding and then hitting the rocks, but we weren’t right there, seeing the exact moment of his death close up. If Clover had been stung by Tyrian and died I’d be upset still, and many of the issues I have would still be relevant. But using Harbinger like that, playing directly into Qrow’s own insecurities like that, after having him do things that felt extremely out of character in order to set things up for Tyrian to kill Clover like that and blame Qrow? It felt vile.

It didn’t just feel like bad writing or different narrative choices. Hell, it didn’t even just feel OOC. It felt malicious. It felt like twisting established plot and characterisation completely in order to make it fit some tragic climax that was only chosen because it would have the biggest emotional impact, not because it was the best way to continue the plot. And they can’t say that they didn’t expect people to be so attached to Clover. Because if they didn’t expect that to be so emotional for viewers, then why do it like that in the first place? Why put in the climatic cinematic shot that mirrors when Yang lost her arm? Why have Qrow screaming over Clover’s body be the final shot? If Clover was never meant to have significance to both Qrow and fans, why make his death so painful? They can’t say that they didn’t know fans would get so invested at the same time that they say that it was necessary to make it that traumatic. It’s not that you can’t kill off beloved characters, no matter how long they’ve been in the show. But if you do, it’s got to feel important, it’s got to feel necessary, and it’s got to make sense for those characters, or else it just feels like you’re playing with peoples’ emotions for no reason other than shock factor.

I’ve seen a bunch of theories and discourse. Arguments over whether or not it’s queerbaiting or bury your gays. Over whether or not it’s bad writing or out of character. And I’m sure I’ll eventually have a stronger, more thought out opinion on that, but right now I can’t even get there.

I’ve seen theories as to why CRWBY did this, why it’s important to the plot. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’ll be just as surprised in a good way next week as I was in a traumatic way this week. But it will take a lot, and I will still need time to recover and dig myself back out of my own intrusive thoughts that saw this episode and rejoiced because “See!? See, good things can’t happen! You’ll always lose whatever good you find. You’ll always ruin whatever good you find.” And none of the theories I’ve seen make that better. Maybe they’ll bring Clover back with the Staff of Creation or some other method: doesn’t matter, the damage is still done. Qrow still is betrayed and traumatized. And even if Clover came back and Ironwood realized he was wrong and stopped, even if everything went back to exactly what it was, Qrow still would have lost all the progress he made this season. Because even if everything was fixed, Qrow would still have to fight down the newly boosted fear that everything will fall apart again. And similarly even if I come back to RWBY and things are good, I will still have a hard time trusting the show, and will still have to climb my way out of a hole I had just gotten out of, except this time I won’t have the comfort of RWBY to help me.

Or maybe Clover won’t come back and Qrow will relapse and try to kill Ironwood and lose his mind like the scarecrow he is. And what will that do but reinforce the fear and idea that “broken” people can’t escape their vices? That they’ll always come back to pain. Yes, it’s important to show that people can relapse and still get better, that relapse doesn’t mean all hope is lost. But there’s a difference between a relapse and new trauma that directly undercuts all the progress you’ve made. That’s not inspirational, it’s exhausting. Yes, you can come back again, but what about the next time and the next and the next? When will you just get to be secure in your happiness without worrying that at any moment you’ll thrown back to square one?

If it turns out there’s some great plot point this creates, some big revelation that fixes things, I still think it wasn’t done properly. Fine, have that, have that pain. But don’t end on that and leave people for a week. It’s not about it being a cliffhanger. It’s about people who are traumatized being abandoned. (Again, I’m not even getting into how, if this did happen, how episode 12 would still feel off from a characterization standpoint and whether or not it was poor writing. It’s an analysis I can’t currently do.)

And maybe my least favorite theory and the one that I might see as most likely; that Qrow won’t relapse. That he won’t completely lose it and instead Clover’s death and influence will be what keeps him going. Because yeah, that sounds great, that sounds heroic and strong and like the progress that came from knowing Clover did make a difference. But it feels wrong in this instance. Qrow’s had that. He’s had loss that hurt him but he kept going to finish something or honor them. He kept going after Summer died. He kept going for Ruby and Yang and Tai. If he didn’t have that, why would he have kept going when things were so bad? But Qrow doesn’t need that again. He doesn’t need another pain to spur him on. He needs support. He needs proof that his hard work, his struggle, has been worth it and that he still has allies. And not just the kids. Because as much as he respects them, as much as he believes in them and their abilities as hunters, he’s still protective of them, they still aren’t on an equal level. He still feels responsible for them. And that’s good for him, but he needs adults too. He needs people who aren’t his responsibility. He needs adults who can call him out on his shit. He needs adults he can lean on, who can take care of him. And now who does he have? Summer is gone. Raven is gone. Tai is back at home. Oz is gone. Lionheart betrayed him. James has now betrayed him. Winter has sided with James and might not be alive much longer? Robyn is there, but also hurt, and we haven’t seen anything to suggest that they are particularly close. And now Clover is dead. Clover, the only person we have ever seen Qrow let his guard down around like we did this season.

And it’s not that the “Staying alive for the person you’ve lost” is a bad plot line, and if I’d trust any show to do it I would’ve thought it’d be RWBY. But I can tell you from fucking experience, forcing yourself to keep going in honor of someone? Yeah, it might keep you alive. It might give you meaning and even lead you to do great things. But when it’s just you and your head? When you’re alone because you’ve lost everyone who kept you going and now you have to keep going without them, for them? It fucking sucks. It’s not poetic. It’s not this heroic strength that lifts you up. It’s a crushing weight of fear that you will fail again, that you’re the only one who can carry this burden, but this time you’ll let down the person most important to you. And then not only will you have fucked up your life but you’d have made their suffering and loss meaningless.

And I can see why CRWBY might take this route, what their message might be, and maybe for them and for some people it’s good, but personally it’s crushing. Because it can be a good thing to have the desire to honor someone spur you on, that’s literally why we still have RWBY. But if that’s the only thing you have? It’s toxic. You have to have other support and motivations of your own to keep you going without becoming hollow inside. And right now, Qrow doesn’t have that. Right now, if Qrow uses this to push him forward, it’s not recovery, it’s not avoiding a relapse; it’s falling into a new, much harder to spot, addiction.

Yes, shitty things happen regardless of whether or not you’ve recovered from previous shitty things. Yes, life isn’t fair and sometimes it feels like you just get hit down over and over. And yes, people die in war and it’s ruthless and unfair. But RWBY is still a show. It’s still a show about hope. It’s still fiction, an escape from the cruelty of reality. And to me there were multiple other options for the plot to create conflict and sacrifice without doing it in a way that seems so needlessly cruel.

This is complicated and layered and I think there have been mistakes made on multiple sides, and in the end, we still don’t know what CRWBY has planned and how things will go from here and why they chose this. Because everything has a meaning in RWBY. At least I want to believe that. But right now it’s very hard to think that all the meaning that was what made this my favorite volume, was anything more than a trap to make the end that much more painful. And that hurts. I want to believe that’s not the case. But it’s very, very hard. And like I said before, even if they pull it off amazingly and everything makes sense after next week, damage has still been done. No matter what happens, there were ways things could have been handled either throughout the volume or in this episode that, while still having emotional significance and sacrifice, could have been less traumatizing to a large portion of the fandom who supports CRWBY specifically because they trust them not to do something like that to them.

In the end I’m hurt because right now it feels like the entirety of this volume was just a build up for the shock value of tearing Qrow down again. And I’m just tired of it. I’m biased I know, and maybe for some people it’s an important narrative. But to me it just feels like angst just for the sake of being cruel to a character who can’t catch a break. Since Emma’s death I understandably haven’t been a big fan of really angsty fanfiction. At first seeing fics where a character lost their partner made me irrationally angry. Because why can’t good things happen in fictional worlds? Why do characters I care about have to suffer like I do just for the sake of being angsty? Why would someone do that to a character they love? Why inflict that absolute agony onto a character when you could just, let them be happy? Yes conflict and sacrifice are crucial to good storytelling, but you still have to leave a character some hope, or else what’s the point of just watching them linger in misery? This kind of pain isn’t just a plot point that gets addressed for one or two episodes and then is fully dealt with. It’s a part of who you are now and will be for the rest of your life.

I’ve been sad over shows before. I’ve thought plot lines were bad and like I’d lost a character that deserved better. But I’ve never had something take me from a (relatively) stable mindset to a truly frightening spiral like I’ve been in this week. If this had happened when I was younger (granted if it had happened before Emma’s death it wouldn’t have had the same meaning), if it had been during that first year? It really might have been a breaking point for me. The final straw. The only reason I’m able to know that as truly devastating as this has been for me this week, I’m not in actual danger of getting to a critically low space, is because I’ve learned how to deal with those low places these past four years. I’m still in a dangerous headspace but I know how to handle it. I know to reach out, to vent, to ask friends to keep an eye on me, to keep an eye out for critical signs that I’m getting worse and I need more professional help. But if I’d had this trauma as a teen and saw this, or if I’d seen it before I’d built up this method of keeping myself safe even when in the worst headspaces? I don’t know that I would have been able to deal with it.

There’s a loud part of my head that is berating me for letting this affect me so much. For letting a show and fictional characters be the catalyst for me having to actively ask my friends to keep sharp instruments away from me for the first time in years. I’ll have a moment of clarity of “It’s not that bad, you’ll get past it” before being swallowed back up by the hopelessness. I have moments of “How could you let a fictional character’s death put you in this place, but not Emma? How is he more important?”

But it’s not about RWBY or Clover or Qrow. It’s about my brain, and how I as a neurodivergent person deal with things. It’s about this how thing that I use to filter parts of my life through so that I can handle them in more reasonable chunks, is now a trigger itself. I currently don’t have any other hyperfixations, which means every time I have a moment of silence, or start to get feeling down again, my brain goes to RWBY, because usually that’s how I pull myself out. But that just reminds me of the loss RWBY currently represents. Not just the trauma this has brought up, but the fact that I’ve lost this source of comfort. And then I’m left scrambling for anything as I spiral further and further. I’m at the point where unless I am having constant outside stimulus to keep my brain occupied I go right back into a nosedive. And there’s nothing I can do on my own to stop it. So I just have to ride it out, fight back dozens of overwhelming intrusive thoughts, and try to think that I won’t always be this miserable, even though the current thing that was helping me believe that has just shown me the opposite is true.

And no, creators can’t be held responsible for the mental states of fans of their work. But when things are done that directly hurt so many people, that even if not intended to, feel so calculated and malicious, they have to acknowledge the part they played in that trauma.

The point of whether there was queer baiting/byg, and mlm representation and how its handled, is very important, but it is also something I just can’t even begin to look at right now from an analytical viewpoint. I can’t begin to come at this from an activist place right now. And I know there are plenty of other people who can speak on it better than I could currently. My queer identity is largely wrapped up in my grief and how it affects me, but that also means that when I’m spiraling, it is very hard to focus and make good points about things that are not issues I’ve directly experienced. The only reason I can write this at all is because these are really just emotions I’ve dealt with for years that were dragged back up.

RWBY has always been about finding hope when it feels impossible. But this feels like it’s becoming “keep finding new hope but know you’ll lose it too and have to start over”.

RWBY has been what gave me hope that even when bad thing after bad thing happened, there was a reason to keep going, that eventually something good would come your way and you don’t have to live in fear of losing it. That you can still be broken and be worthy of good things. But this episode ripped that all away and told me that sometimes a person is never meant to be happy no matter how hard they try.

A big reason I have clung to RWBY so much, and admired CRWBY so much, and in turn been so forgiving of plotlines or details that I maybe wasn’t the biggest fan of, was because I see myself in them. They lost Monty so suddenly and tragically and I understand that as much as anyone who isn’t them can. I understand the drive of keeping the show going. When I’m working on my own writing and art about my story and my loss, they are a huge inspiration to me to keep going even when it feels impossible. I can barely listen to Indomitable because, much like Jaune losing Pyrrha, it is uncanny how close to home it hits. They have been through more than we as fans can or should ever expect to know. Because even as someone very open about their grief, who wants to get rid of the stigma of expressing grief, I know that everyone deserves to keep as much of their grief and pain private as they need. And I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to work on a show that is literally a feat of love and honor to a person you’ve lost, and then have people attack it and you, and make huge accusations, even try to use your loved one’s memory against you. It’s my biggest fear in creating something so incredibly personal but so important.

And I know that everyone handles grief differently, and no matter how many people you have to support you it can be an extremely isolating thing. I know that no one has the right to tell someone else they are grieving wrong, and I would never dare do that to them. Because I know that the ways I grieve and the things that piss me off about grief and people’s reactions to it, will not line up with everyone else’s, and that’s okay. So the exact things that hurt me so much may be the things that CRWBY find cathartic.

But I still think it’s important to talk about something that hurts you. To help people understand a facet of grief that might not be what they’ve experienced. Because even people who want to help, who want to provide representation to those hurting, can never please everyone, and even can even hurt people. I want to trust CRWBY. I want to believe they care about the queer community (even if they don’t always succeed in providing good representation), I want to believe they wouldn’t purposefully try to hurt queer fans with queerbaiting or byg. I want to believe they don’t actually hate mlm.

Narrative is complicated and sometimes things are done that will unknowingly cause harm, or that were topics that the writers didn’t understand enough to properly execute. Things that may seem so obvious to the people who were hurt could truly be things that hadn’t occurred to the writers. And that’s not to excuse those writers from acknowledging their mistake, but to give them a chance to learn and improve. I think a great example is The Adventure Zone (slight spoilers ahead), and how Griffin McElroy handled the fans’ reaction after Sloane and Hurley died in Petals to the Metal. He hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone but he made a decision that was very upsetting for many people and that wasn’t okay. But he listened and apologized and from there on not only tried to provide better representation, but asked about how he could do so, consulted the people he was trying to represent in order to do everything he could to not cause that kind of pain again. Creators are human and deserve second chances, as long as they show they are actively trying to improve.

Things will be learning experiences, but the people who are hurt in those learning experiences, and who are often the ones hurt in such things over and over, are still allowed to be hurt and upset. Intent is not effect. And for creators who want to be inclusive and supportive, it is their responsibility to accept criticism and work to avoid making the same mistakes. Like I said at the start of this, criticism is not harassment and harassment helps no one. Be as angry as you are, be as open as you need, but cruelty to people who are honestly trying to do good but will still make human mistakes just creates more pain and conflict. You don’t have to like it or forgive it but you can’t invalidate the people who are hurt, who do.

I love RWBY. I want to love CRWBY. I want to keep watching. I want to keep supporting and trusting them. And maybe I’m letting a show have too much influence over me. Maybe it’s unhealthy to project so much on a character. Maybe things will prove to be necessary to tell the story they want to tell. But speaking as a neurodivergent, traumatized, grieving, queer person, I still feel betrayed and hurt by something that I trusted enough to be vulnerable about and I don’t want to sugarcoat or hide that.

I can’t say I hate CRWBY or I’ve lost all hope in or respect for them, because I’ve related to them so much and know how complicated things like this can be. And because I don’t think I personally can write someone off while still in such an emotionally raw space. I’ll have to take some time to see if I’m able to watch the finale this weekend, but I will most likely watch it, if not just a bit later than I usually would. And RWBY has thrown big surprises at us before, and I can’t know what will happen in the finale and how it will feed into or try to heal some of the pain we’re feeling. But regardless of what the narrative intent is in Clover’s death, it needs to be acknowledged that episode 12 alone, ending on such an intense scene that wouldn’t be resolved for at least a week, hurt people. And CRWBY needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. I can’t say that I’m the most up to date on social media and what each person involved with volume 7 has said in the past few months. But I know that numerous official twitter accounts posted things that led people to put more credibility in Fairgame, myself included. And that even after seeing how big the ship had gotten, and knowing what the outcome was, some of CRWBY continued to seemingly feed into the excitement, even teasing about how hard episode 12 would hit us.

That’s honestly one of the reasons I think this feels not just like bad writing or something, but betrayal. Of course RT can’t control everything everyone involved with RWBY posts, but for a company that has tried to seem so supportive of lgbt and mentally ill fans, they should have, at the very least, not have fed the flame and given people hope and supposed credibility that they knew would crumble after this episode. It feels like, even if they hadn’t intended this entire plot point to come across the way it has, they saw us going down this path and egged us on for added shock factor.

And even if somehow the finale fixes everything, it doesn’t undo that hurt. It makes me think of the trailers for Insatiable when it first came out. How toxic and fat shaming they seemed and how people reacted poorly to it, but then all the people involved responded with how positive the show was, and that people shouldn’t judge it before they saw it. Or those “joke” videos or posts of kids coming out and the parents getting angry but then it’s about some stupid other thing. It’s meant to trigger a very sensitive issue, that people who have gone through traumas related to those issues are all too familiar with seeing over and over. So why would they have faith that this wasn’t just another one of those times when everything they see points to the opposite? Why trigger people who have already been hurt, for the sake of shock factor? It’s poor and callous writing.

And that’s what this feels like. It feels like we were exploited in order to make this hurt more. And maybe that was a very unfortunate accident. But CRWBY still needs to acknowledge that they made mistakes, and do what they can to prove to the fans that they still deserve our trust. And that’s not going to be an easy one and done thing. For some it may never be enough, and that is completely valid.

Of course everyone has different histories and issues that can lead them to be drawn to a certain show or character. And creators can’t ever know for sure that they won’t bring up painful things for any of their fans, and often trying to do so can make the content and message suffer. But even though everyone might not have a story that is as “obviously” traumatic as mine, might not have things they so directly relate to in Qrow and in Clover’s death, they’re all still valid in the pain they’re feeling. One of my least favorite things about living with grief is people thinking that their traumas and struggles aren’t as big or important as my own.

This week I’ve told people how hard a time I’m having, and why. And the people who know my backstory understood. The people who didn’t know though, brushed it off as crazy fangirl, tumblr discourse drivel. Even to my face after I told them how much I was hurting, they would groan about people getting so obsessed with fictional characters. You shouldn’t have to know why something negatively affects someone the way it does in order to respect the fact that it does. And I’m not more valid in my pain than people with “smaller” reasons. The fact is that a lot of people are hurting. A lot of queer and mentally ill people are reliving trauma. And like me, many of these people trusted CRWBY to be supportive, to be a comfort in a world where it’s hard to find sometimes. And that makes it hurt all the more.

I wasn’t in the fandom when Monty died, so I don’t know a lot about how CRWBY handled it, what they said publicly, what inevitable fandom discourse there was about how to navigate things. The only reason I bring him up at all, (because I’ve seen people mention him in discourse posts before and it’s usually hurtful and out of line and I truly hate it) is because he, and how CRWBY continues to honor him by keeping his creation going, is a huge part of why I feel so attached to it. My creative focus is on talking about Emma, about honoring her, telling her story, about sharing my grief with people. And while it’s extremely important to me, it’s also terrifying to think about people one day saying I let her down, or that because I made certain decisions I ruined the work or anything like that. And whether or not I am currently happy with every member of CRWBY doesn’t affect the fact that I will always keep in mind that RWBY is something directly tied to someone they’ve lost and it can be extremely difficult to have that kind of work criticized and not get defensive or angry (that’s not to say we can’t criticize things that are made in honor of someone, but that we need to remember there are still people dealing with grief on the other end of what we say). They’ll react poorly to certain things, they’ll say the wrong things, they’ll but heads with opinionated fans. And that’s not to excuse them for that, or to say we shouldn’t hold them accountable and communicate our problems with them and expect them to learn from past mistakes. But they aren’t faceless monsters in some big corporation who just make this for the money. They have real emotional investment in their work and I honestly believe they are well intentioned and want to support lgbt and mentally ill fans. But good intentions don’t ensure there won’t be negative impact, and if they truly want to keep, or regain fans’ trust and support they need to show they understand that.

It may be naive and there may be things I don’t know that might have changed my view but until now, even with some writing choices I didn’t love, I've really liked CRWBY and trusted them. I personally can’t say I hate them and write them off right now. I understand if you can, if this was the last straw or just proving your view, and that’s all valid. But I want to, as much as possible, believe that they’re well intentioned. RWBY is far from perfect. CRWBY is far from perfect. But that’s ok. As long as there’s effort to improve and acknowledge mistakes and try to make amends

It’s possible that things I’ve said here may anger some people, and unfortunately, as much as I tried to avoid it, may hurt CRWBY. Because as hurt and angry with them as I might be right now, I don’t want to hate them or hurt them. I’m human as well, and I’m very passionate about this and have a very personal attachment to it. So I acknowledge that it is totally possible that I have said something here that I could have handled better. If so, please, let me know. Constructively. If you need to, privately. Don’t attack me for it. I know when a conversation is toxic to me and I will not put myself in that position and will block people. But I want to be open to criticism, just as I want CRWBY to be. I want to know what I did wrong and how I can work to do better in the future. There are also certain things that I firmly believe that I know not everyone will like. And that’s okay. I have my own ways of dealing with grief and pain that will inevitably conflict with others. In those cases, while I won’t apologize for being honest about how I feel, I will understand and listen to how I may have hurt you. Different opinions and ways of coping will always be a part of grief conversations and it is less about making others agree with you and more about giving people a place to express their pain.

This is ridiculously, stupidly, long and honestly I’m not sure there’s a clear point and if you read through it all the way, you’re a saint. But I just needed to get this out, and I hope that maybe, somehow, through the ranting, it might help someone feel less alone in their pain, or feel validated. I started writing this on Sunday and wanted to post it before the finale. It’s now Friday and who knows if there’s really any point to posting it now, but still.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve seen discourse that made me anxious all over again all week. I’ve seen jokes or edits or trolls that made me sick. But there are people out here for you. There are people to talk to who will just listen. You aren’t alone. And while I can’t promise you that everything will be okay, I can promise you that there will be people here to help you get through it. There are ways to get through it. They’re not always fun or ideal, but they’re there. And eventually you’ll be able to feel okay again. The pain might not be gone for good, but you’ll have good moments again. You’ll learn how to create good moments. I still want to believe that “broken” people can be happy again, even though the world may try to show me otherwise over and over. It’s not easy, and sometimes I honestly just don’t see how it can possibly be true. But I keep trying to get back to those good places and appreciate them, for as long as I can.

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worldsbiggestnerd101 · 2 months

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intro post!!

hi there! my name’s em, welcome to my blog! i’ve been here for a good while now but since i’ve started to gain more attention, i figured it was time to make an intro post!

basic info:

name: em/emmy

age: teenager

birthday: january 4 :D

orientation/sexuality: bisexual (femme/wlw leaning)

gender: cis girl

pronouns: she/her but they/them works too

nationality: born and raised in the US of A (specifically northeastern usa), but my parents are guyanese, so i’d say guyanese american

race: mixed, my mom has light skin (she gets mistaken as hispanic a lot) and my dad has medium brown skin so i’m somewhere in the middle (i too get mistaken for hispanic a lot)

other info: i’m neurodivergent, possibly autism or adhd (or both) but i was a “gifted” kid if that counts for anything, oh and i have anxiety

fandoms:

this a multifandom blog, so while i do have my phases/eras/hyperfixations, i will be posting about multiple fandoms at once, even if one’s taking up more posts than the others combined.

here are some of my mains!

hazbin hotel/helluva boss/the general hellaverse

ride the cyclone

welcome home

she-ra and the princesses of power

carmen sandiego (2019)

my little pony: friendship is magic/equestria girls

it’s easiest to tell what my current main hyperfixation is by just looking at my pfp/blog theme, as i’ll usually set it to something related to my current biggest hyperfix. i’ll update this list as needed, but i’m also active in the percy jackson, american girl, and stranger things fandoms. i’m also into a lot of cartoons, like gravity falls, steven universe, the owl house, etc. so feel free to ask about those! i’m also a major theater kid, some of my favorite shows are hamilton, dear evan hansen, wicked, mean girls, beetlejuice, and six, so you can ask about any of those too! (i’ve only seen wicked and hamilton 😭)

dni:

homophobes, transphobes

supporters of israel

queer exclusionists

racists

blogs with heavy amounts of nsfw content (i’m a teenager so. please.)

sexists/misogynists

so yeah i think that’s about it! if you wanna be mutuals or if you wanna ask me about something, my ask box is wide open! my tag for asks is just #asks and my original post tag is #em rambles. thanks for reading y’all!

edit: i also have an ao3! can’t believe i forgot this but here! my only current fic is for stranger things (will update when motivation strikes) but i plan to post more in the future!!

edit 2: i have a youtube!! i post my edits here!! go check me out!!!

also: FREE PALESTINE 🇵🇸

#em rambles #welcome home #she ra and the princesses of power #mlp fim #mlp eqg #carmen sandiego #hazbin hotel #helluva boss #rtc

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imnotgrimimjustagrumpyreaper · 4 years

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Ten(eight) favorite shows and tag ten people

Thank you @ramblinseahorsey for tagging me!

(These really aren't in much of an order and I’m sorry there are only 8 but I really don’t watch a lot of tv shows apparently??)

Hilda:

One of the biggest jolts of serotonin ive ever seen! Just such a lovely lovely show! It feels like a hug in animation form a lot of the time! My favorite is the Woodman lol. Can't wait for season 2!

Good Omens:

Absolutely came to me at the exact right time! My current hyperfixation so sorry to all my mutuals. A lovely show, with great great main characters and witty writing! If you were turned off by the initial Tumblr hype the fandom has settled, so now is an excellent time to check it out!

Wander Over Yonder:

This show kept me ALIVE back in 2015! I hopped on the bandwagon right as season 2 premiered and let me tell you. This show may be fun and silly with lots of laughs but I think it holds the record for a show making me cry. Lots of love to WOY please go check this one out! #saveWOY

The Great British Baking Show:

I don’t believe I’ve ever mentioned it on here but I really love to bake and armed with my antique cookbook I crank out the occasional delicious treat. The Great British Baking show is delightfully funny and really puts its contestants through the ringer! Any time I watch any other baking show I always find myself saying “pfft, these guys wouldn’t last a day on The Great British Baking Show”

Gravity Falls:

What can I say? I’m a bit of an O.G, fan...I’ve been around since the very first episode but really fell hard for the show when “Dreamscapers” premiered. I have ancient fan art to prove it! A great show all around. Mystery, comedy, and heart!

Ducktales 2017:

I watched the premier on a whim one day when I was home alone and was pleasantly surprised by just how good this show is! Seasons 1 and 2 have hit home and season 3 surely will as well when it premiers! Now unlike the first few mentioned on this list...I have my fair share of problems with the show. But its still an absolute delight and I love it and highly recommend it!

Steven Universe (Future and Original):

The Tumblr Darling itself. Back in the early days of season 2 I saw a few episodes in hotel rooms. Then I went and tried to watch it from the beginning...and...well I was underwhelmed...then I happened to catch the Malachite vs. Alexandrite battle on tv one day and I was like “hhjsnfkrgj???” so I finally broke down and tried again. And man did I fall for it hard...Peridot’s arch is the highpoint of the entire show for me. This is another I have my fair share of problems with, however, it has really earned its hype!

She-Ra (Netflix)

About three days after it premiered on Netflix I locked myself in my room one Sunday and binge watched the whole first season. This show is a gorgeous, well written, masterpiece full of character and a drive to tell a compelling story. The first season had me hooked but boooooy lemme tell you if Season two didn’t blow me outta the water! Season three was good too and I have high hopes for season four. Would recommend if really only for my Scorpion wife.

@cartoon-lizard

@rainbow-quartz-2-0

@im-not-a-satanist-i-swear

@miraworos

@myroomsmellslikebooks

@the-brainless-boy

@scandinavian-trash

@twigsaretasty

#good omens #She-Ra #She Ra #Ineffable Husbands #hilda (netflix)#Hilda #great british baking show #the great british baking show #steven universe #steven universe future #gravity falls #wander over yonder #saveWOY

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airagorncharda · 4 years

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About My Blog:

Name: Nate Age: 29 (I’m bad at updating this, I was born in 1990) Pronouns: he/him/his.

It’s been ages since I’ve updated any sort of info about myself or my blog, oops.

Dfab nb trans guy, genderfluid. On the aro/ace spectrum. Queer. Gay. Neuroatypical (ADHD among other things; possibly dyslexia or else it’s just my ADHD that makes reading The Worst). I have chronic pain. I’m chubby.

Privilege: I’m white, I grew up with financial security while I lived with my parents, I live in a liberal area of New England in the USA, I am able-bodied, I can pass as neurotypical. If I make false assumptions or fuck up because of any of these things please call me on it. I will do my utmost not to make this necessary, and to listen if it should ever be necessary.

I blog about social justice, social issues, whatever fandom I’m currently hyperfixated on, DnD, and plenty of other stuff.

My views have evolved since I started blogging, so if you go far enough back in my blog you’ll find posts that I no longer agree with.

I use my “likes” as storage for things I want to respond to later, or save to my computer when I’m on the mobile app, or research more thoroughly before reblogging when I have time/attention, etc. Do not assume I agree with everything in my likes. View my likes with caution.

I’m a writer and an illustrator, and am a Personal Care Assistant to a really cool lady. I play a lot of DnD and I love my dnd group. I’ve been in a relationship with one of my best friends since we were 15. We are engaged, live together, play video games and DnD, and have cats.

I post my thoughts here. I post my art here. These are my cats. This is my face.

I am not always right. I am still learning.

Do not cite me as an expert or trust my implicitly. I am happy to give my thoughts on and discuss any issue, and I do try to research my points before I make them, but I am not an authority.

My ask box is always open. I will respond privately if you ask me to. If I respond publicly I will tag it with your URL so you can find it easily (unless you ask me not to). I tag all asks with “ask” and all anons with “ask” and “anon”. If you send me an ask and I don’t respond it might be because Tumblr ate it, and I never received it, or because I have ADHD and sometimes I forget to respond to things. In either case feel free to send the ask again. I do not consider this rude.

—

I am careful to always tag for things like racism, transphobia, ableism, etc., as well as death, blood, horror cops, spiders, etc., so people can blacklist them.

I am usually happy to add to this list if you have a phobia or trigger and need me to, just ask. If for some reason I’m uncomfortable tagging a particular subject, I will not be offended if you unfollow me (I’ll also just NEVER be offended by that; you do you)

Some navigation help for my blog:

current events - this tag is reserved for whatever the most recent important (and awful) thing happens to be.

Disney’s Frozen - this tag is referencing all of the problems with that movie (the first one), including general discussion about the sexism in how women are animated. It accidentally became my “misogyny in animation” tag, sorry!

Statistics - this tag is for all posts with specific statistics about social injustice.

real talk - this tag is for short posts that I feel most clearly and succinctly summarize issues of social injustice.

Boost - any post that involves petitions, fund raisers, sales, or other things I want people to not only see but interact with.

Fandoms:

I’ve been in fandom for a long time. I’m here to have fun, and am not comfortable with the current online purity culture of throwing shame at people who enjoy harmless things that you don’t. Fandom is not always about what we wish was real or canon; sometimes it’s about the opposite of that on purpose.

I’m a polyshipper and a multishipper, though I definitely have OTPs and sometimes don’t enjoy seeing those pairs with other people. This is personal preference, and not a judgment on others.

I try to stay out of fandom discourse and mainly reblog art I like. Occasionally, though, I do reblog criticism of fandom specific bigotry.

Just because I reblog stuff from a particular fandom doesn’t mean I necessarily like everything about the piece of media, where/who it came from, or the direction it went. I value fandom because of the power to make the stories we’re given into the stories we wish we’d been given, AND the power to turn stories we love into whatever we’re vibing with at the moment.

Harry Potter was a formative fandom for me, so despite hating JKR I will still engage with fanworks related to it. I tag anything Harry Potter with “hp”. I tag everything relating to JKR with “fuck you JKR”.

Anything related to Tolkien’s Middle Earth stories is tagged “lotr”, anything about the MCU is tagged “Avengers”, and anything related to Avatar the Last Airbender is tagged “Atla”.

I tag anything from the Tales of series with “Tale of” as well as their individual game titles. Anything from MOST Fire Emblem games gets lumped together under “Fire Emblem” but Three Houses is “fe3h”. Similarly, Most Final Fantasy games get “Final Fantasy” while 14 gets “ffxiv”.

Other media I particularly love off the top of my head (and their associated tags), or at least that I often reblog about, includes: Critical Role (and CR2), Phoenix Wright, She Ra (tag: “shera”), Saiyuki, Yu Yu Hakusho (tag: “yyh”), Undertale, The Good Place. Mad Max, Naruto, Miraculous Ladybug (tag: “miraculous”), Legend of Zelda (tag: “zelda”)

Personal tags:

My favorite meta (good meta makes the world go ‘round)

My favorite things on this whole damn site (I love this)

Stuff that’s purely positive (decency, and wholesome)

Things that remind me of my friend group (me and mine and ours)

Mron (things that remind me of and inspire me to work on my sci-fi story about androids)

Embalar (things that remind me of and inspire me to work on the fantasy story/video game/dnd homebrew setting I’m actively working on)

The Fog (things that remind me of and inspire me to work on my fairy tale story, which includes mermaids)

recipes

lifehacks

poetry

art refs (specific tags for: costume design, character design, god design, monster design, creature design, hands, feet, muscles, anatomy, facial expressions, hair, body types, clothes, dresses, fat art, etc., and specific tags for mythical creatures: mermaids, centaurs, vampires, demons, dragons, gryphons, sphinxes, harpies, etc.)

art (specific tags for: sculpture, painting, illustration, music, art history, installation art)

books, games, shows, and movies I wish existed (tumblr books)

furniture, appliances, and house stuff that I would love to have the money to have (want)

pretty jewelry that I want but would never wear because I don’t wear jewelry (for my dragon hoard)

–Nate

#this post is going to be linked to at the top of my blog so this info can stop cluttering up my blog #an update I guess

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justthatspiffy · 4 years

Note

jacob, abinadi, moroni

what aspect of yourself do you think is underappreciated?

i don't think people get how mentally high maintenance i am. apparently i look like i've got it together, but i am working too hard too often

what's the ballsiest thing you've done?

probably when my friend (pretend his name is) bob posted something on facebook about how dating was hard and for some reason when i hovered over post options "help bob" came up and i thought it was funny so i commented a screenshot of it. then we went and got froyo

what's your current hyperfixation?

currently running in crisis mode and i don't have the energy to invest in anything, but i'm watching she-ra and really enjoying it

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aprillikesthings · 5 years

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Once upon a time I noticed that I tend to dive headfirst into fandom(s) when I’m either single or in a relationship that is nearing its end.

The flipside of this, of course; is that being in the happy new-relationship stage of things--even long distance--means my list of unread fics (both the ones I’ve actually bookmarked on ao3 “to read later,” and ones just left open in tabs on my browser) is ridiculous, I’m barely on discord (other than to talk to the girlfriend), and I’ve hardly written a damn thing in two months (though some of that was my dad dying, obviously).

It’s not that I don’t have the time--it’s just that I don’t have the mental energy to spare?

Erynn Brook on twitter once pointed out that in the early stages of any romance, ADHD people’s hyperfixation basically becomes the other person/the relationship. Which resonates with me a lot! And I know that the feeling of joining a new super-intense fandom obsession feels exactly like falling in love with a person.

The irony being that Daci’s polyamorous (I mean so am I, theoretically, but all my romantic/sexual energy is towards one person currently) and I’ve been poly-fandom before.....but not when I was still in the New Relationship Energy infatuated stage of things.

Remember when I was refusing to watch She Ra because I was too obsessed with K/DA? I did eventually, but not until my first hardcore infatuation with K/DA had calmed down a tiny bit.

So I know I’ll get back into fandom eventually. In the meantime though, I really need to read some of these fics open in tabs! Like....there’s fifteen of them hanging out up there. Eep.

Also.....to be quite fucking honest, other than bereavement leave or vacation for Daci’s visit I’ve been working full time (or more!) every single week, and I always forget how much that drains me--I dunno that I ever manage to write much when I’m doing full time. But the money is nice.....

#my life #life as a fan #I JUST #MISS WRITING #also lol I'm still slightly obsessed with Pokemon Go of all things #which eeveelution should I do next guys I have enough eevee candy #I already have espeon umbreon vaporeon and glaceon #🤔#might do leafeon #I still need to do a raid!! I haven't done one yet #But I do take the gym outside work some nights after I clock out #just sitting there reviving my pokemon over and over and then attacking the gym until I wear them down #ahahahaha #TEAM MYSTIC 5EVER BITCHES #tommorow's my only day off this entire week #and I need to do grocery shopping and laundry #but I wanna do a long poke-walk!!#leave my bb's in gyms all over my neighborhood hell yeah

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inktail · 5 years

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ohh, I got a tag-back from @fallintosanity :)c

Which two fictional characters would you most like to see stranded on a desert island together? That would depend muchly on context, as in whether the point of the island is the countdown to a timely escape, or if this is a new slow burn & mutual pining trope to get the characters to kiss already. Both would probably involve Ignis, at this point in my life.

What’s your favorite board game, and why? Its rare that I meet a board game I don’t like. I have fond, inaccurate memories of monopoly, and we’ve been playing a lot of Ticket to Ride at family dinners, which is only enjoyable if someone and her husband wouldn't hoard the all cards until the last rounds to get all the longest tracks. >:I Hedgehog and I played Mr. Jack at the convention last month, which was also pretty fun. A bit easy, once we were doing it right, though. I recommend the improvised hard mode, where you don’t flip the pogs and track your suspects manually.

What song is your current earworm? The She-Ra theme song at this very second, since I just finished season 3. Usually the Beatles, otherwise. The song about Desmond and Molly is a fun one.

Peanut butter: crunchy or creamy? Creamy. For the longest time i was sure I didn’t like peanuts, and refused to eat them when avoidable. Even though I loved peanut butter on toast... but I still chose not to buy crunchy peanut butter for that old bias.

Zip-up hoodies or pullover hoodies? Pullovers used to be my jam, before my boobs got huge. They’re too much of a hassle anymore, but i miss how cozy they are.

Have you ever had a secret handshake with someone? What was the handshake? I have very vague memories of ‘secret’ club house entry handshakes when me and the girls around my neighborhood were single-digits little. The clubhouse was just the playhouse on the swing set, and the club theme changed multiple times a day.

What book was a formative part of your childhood? Unicorns of Balinor, most likely. I don’t remember reading any ‘high’ fantasy before those. Pern came along in 6th grade L.A.

What’s your earliest memory? given its been more than 20 years, I couldn't tell you which came first, but I do remember a few things from the house we moved out of when I was 5. I remember that our backyard was full of toads, and the first time I touched the electric fence in the back lot, and how i used to visit my neighbors just whenever. I got to play with a typewriter this way, and often had breakfast with the lady next door (who we still camp with to this day, and who will not let me forget my morning visits. In my night gown.)

Do you have any body modifications (piercings, tattoos, etc)? Is there a story behind any of them? I have my ears single pierced, but I’ve never felt much compulsion to expand on that. I don’t know what I could possibly commit to for a tattoo, but I have given some minor thoughts to a second ear piercing, but so many dress codes forbid them. :/

Which fictional universe would you most want to be part of as an ordinary person? What about as a protagonist or supporting cast? My gut instinct says Pern, but they live like medieval farmers so uh. Digimon, maybe. Do I get the soulbonded creature/friend if I pick support cast? because sometimes that’s all I want in life. I crave that deep emotional bond. I would befriend a stick if it shared my hyperfixations.

When you jump off a swingset or climb on top of the slides, what story are you acting out? i dont recall very distinctly, but I’m positive my internal stories involved the cyborgs from Cyborg 009 because it involved flying. I mostly jumped for the thrill of it--I really loved those stomach flips. I was not a slide climber. Its more fun to go down them.

#meme me up inside

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blue-likethebird · 5 years

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Navigation/BYF/About

Hi! My name’s Bluebird, my pronouns are they/them, and I write fics, metas, reviews and whatever else strikes my fancy. This is my writing blog. If you wanna be mutuals, dm me for my main!

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About:

I’m an ace lesbian who sometimes uses queer to describe myself (I’ll tag it q word for anyone who asks) with adhd and a love for writing! I’m always up for fic requests unless I’ve closed them to work on other things so DM me if you want a fic! I don’t discourse very frequently unless I’m writing fandom metas or the like, but you should know that I don’t support unhealthy (read: pedophilic, incestous, or abusive) relationships and I’m uncomfortable with the “it’s just fiction!” crowd, but won’t condone or participate in the harassment of others for the discourse side they’re on.

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Fandoms/Hyperfixtations:

Anything highlighted in pink is something I post spoilers about semi-often

BNHA

Romellura (not Voltron, just them)

She Ra and the Princesses of Power

The Promised Neverland/Yakusoku no Neverland

Yuri on Ice (I rarely post about it, if I do it’s milasara)

The Princess and the Frog

Haikyuu!

Star Wars (primarily the prequel trilogy, clone wars, rebels and rogue one; also some of the OT. The sequels were squandered potential)

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Tags:

For your navigating this soup of hyperfixations convenience!

All my original posts are tagged with bluebird.txt

My Writing: #Bluebird Writes

Metas: #Bluebird Thinks

Live-blogging: #Bluebird Liveblogs (fandom) {ie: bluebird liveblogs Spop}

Salt Posts: #Salty Wench

Miscellaneous thoughts and me talking to myself: #babbles

Related to Current Hyperfixations: #Hyperfixation Tag

Related to past hyperfixations: #Old Hyperfixations

Related to zines I’m involved in: #Blue’s Zine Archive

Fandom Tags/Bad Jokes:

Haikyuu!!: Volleyboys

BNHA: Quirky

SPOP: Sword Lesbian

Voltron: Vee El Dee

Star Wars: Space Battles

The Princess and the Frog: I Just Do Not. Kiss. Frogs.

Yuri!!! on Ice: Kiss Kiss Fall On Ice

The Promised Neverland: New Meat

Miraculous: CatBug

Fandoms I don’t post about enough to warrant a tag of their own: Random Fandom Hours

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BYF:

Please don’t interact if:

You meet standard dni criteria (terf, truscum, anti feminist, anti blm, the like)

You post proana, thinspo or anti recovery crap. (Note this is not a blanket ban on people who are mentally ill or have eating disorders. I’ve got those too I just don’t want to see harmful content)

You’re against trans headcanons, Autistic/ADHD headcanons, costume redesigns (especially of the bnha girls) or think blackwashing is a thing.

You post nsfw of characters who are canonically minors

You ship shaladin or bkdk (I’m sorry, it’s not an issue with you personally)

Other BYF Stuff:

Please don’t reblog vent posts of mine

Ask to follow if you’re cishet (as in cisgender, heterosexual, heteroromantic), or above the age of 30

Don’t reblog anything tagged with “do not arr bee” or else I’m gonna block ur ass

I know there’s a lot of ace discourse on this hellsite. Please don’t add negative things to any posts I make about being ace.

I’m chronically ill and there will be times when I don’t have the spoons for writing requests and such. I’ll try to update people on that but I can’t guarantee that it’ll happen.

This blog isn’t one I want to clog with discourse. I’m a grade A dumbass so I guarantee that I’ll say something someone will disagree with, but please message me privately if you want to discourse with me.

Pls don’t tag my posts with “q slur” if they contain the word queer. I’m pretty uncomfortable with that phrase, but I understand that other people are equally uncomfortable with the word itself. I’ll have it tagged “q word” for filtering purposes!

One last thing: I won’t block anti-antis on sight (discussion can be good sometimes!) but if a debate gets too repetitive or you’re flat-out rude I will eventually block you if you continue interacting after I’ve asked you to stop

»»————-　♡　————-««

Links:

AO3

Twitter

Carrd

Request a Fic!

Icon Credit

Zine Portfolio

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metamorphosisofthespirit · 5 years

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21 questions

I was tagged by @queer-is-a-slut

1. Height: 5'9″

2. Zodiac sign: Leo

3. Last movie I saw: Bandersnatch

4. Favorite musician: Right now? The Pearl Harts or maybe Wolf Alice. Or Bikini Kill? Or The Clash. Yeah, probably The Clash.

5. Favorite author: Anthony Burgess

6. Favorite fanfic: What is a fanfic?

7. Favorite movie: A Pervert’s guide to Ideology (Okay probably not but it’s still sick you should go watch it)

8. Favorite anime: Princess Monanoke. I basic.

9. Do you play instruments?: Mostly guitar these days but in the past a lil bass and piano. I am not proficient at any of these.

10. Random fact: In the UK it takes five or six years to become a doctor and each of those years is terrible.

11. Lucky number: 69. Wait what was the question?

12. Do you get asks?: Literally never someone please talk to me I’m so bored.

13. Favorite fandoms: She-Ra. Adora please come back to the Horde. We miss you. Scorpia made cookies.

14. Favorite song: One song?! Is that a joke? I’m learning Bros by Wolf Alice with my gf atm so I guess that? But also I like a lot: Blister in the Sun - The Violent Femmes, Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill and anything by the Clash. (Even Washington Bullets, srs I stan Sandinista!)

15. What am I wearing?: Right now? A t shirt and leggings. When I’m dressed for work, a white shirt, black jumper, dogtooth pencil skirt, tights, black Chelsea boots.

16. Hair colour: Brown with Blonde Balayage

17. Eye colour: Blue

18. Favorite food: Can’t beat a good pizza. Hand stretched dough, wood fired oven and some traditional Italian or French Cheeses 👌

19: Hobbies: Mainly guitar, video games. But I also have ADHD and go through a new hyperfixation every month or two. My current one is chess and my last one was kickboxing.

20. Favorite weather: When the temperature drops just cool enough to enjoy a hot summer evening.

21. Favorite super hero: You’re going to tell me Catwoman ‘Isn’t really a super hero’ aren’t you? Fine. Green Arrow or Oracle.

I would like to tag: @fuck-cistrenders

#not discourse

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