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mbti-notes · 4 years

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P1) So I have this friend, an Enfp like me. For years she's been a dear friend of mine, and being of similar types have made us very easily get along. But now that we're growing older it feels like I'm in a different place in terms of Fi development, and her lack of development is starting to rub me the wrong way. During the time when we both started to get into Fi development, I started focusing on branching out and figuring out who I was, and she ended up in one relationship after another.

[con’t: The men were nice, and I'm not saying that being in relationships is a bad thing or is inherently detrimental to Fi. But now she's single, and says she feels listless, lonely. She says she seeks out men of status to make her feel accomplished but then either ends up losing interest or they break it off. I've been giving her advice to generate self interest, instead of seeking out interest solely in other people, to pursue her passions, and for a bit it seemed like she was taking my advice.

But recently I've seen a... I don't know if it's a different version of unhealthy Fi, or whether it truly is a problem with me. If it is me, I would like to fix it. She seems to kind of assume my motives based off of what she herself is feeling. For example, if she feels insecure about something she'll act on the assumption that I'm judging her. I will be completely clueless to the fact that she thinks this until one of her actions based off of that assumption ends up being hurtful. When I come back and tell her that her actions are hurtful and based on false premises, she doesn't apologize, and despite saying that she loves me regardless, says that she feels I'm kind of a judgy person so that's why she assumed. I try my level best to be a non-judgemental person, given that I'm quite aware that people come from all sorts of life experiences and backgrounds, and I've had friends tell me it's one of my better qualities.

There are times when I do say I can't condone a course of action (because it will hurt someone else or cause problems) and I have had someone break a friendship with me over that before. That person I've been told was toxic and manipulative, and later on I've heard that she herself thought she mightve been wrong. So I've assumed that what she said might not have been true. My family teases me about me being rigid on my morals, but apart from that no one has really mentioned it to me before. I know that being judgy could be a unhealthy trait from Fi, but I have the feeling that my close friend might be having an unhealthy Fi instead.

So I suppose my questions are: am I indulging in unhealthy Fi traits? If so, how should I fix it? If she's the one being unhealthy, how so and how would you advise me to react? As I said, she's a dear friend of mine of many years. I know there've been times that I've been shitty that she's patiently guided me and times I've been behind where she's waited for me to catch up, so in this case I don't want to leave her behind. I know that I can't get her to change if she doesn't want to, (especially now that she feels that I'm being judgemental I don't want to press) but how do I react to someone with an unhealthy Fi while asserting my boundaries?]

When you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, especially if many of those years were formative years, it’s natural for the relationship to carry a lot of baggage - they become more like a family member than a friend. That “baggage” can be a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to have someone who’s known you so well and so long. They’re able to put you in context, they’re able to reflect back to you how you have or haven’t changed for the better, and the bond between you is strong due to all the shared experiences. On the negative side, baggage means that there exist some unresolved issues, problems that float around in the background, pain or resentment that gets swallowed for fear of rocking the boat too much, etc. Try to remember the positive when things get negative.

As a general rule, when an unhealthy dynamic between two people forms, both people feed into it in some way, otherwise it wouldn’t continue to get worse over time. Avoid trying to label one person as the only source of the problem. It’s not a case of either/or:

1) I believe that your friend is indeed having difficulty with Fi development, which is HER business to handle. It sounds like she uses men as a means to paper over low self-esteem, which is a manifestation of Te loop that gets in the way of Fi development. What she chooses to do is part of her journey of growth (or lack of growth as the case may be). You have to let her make her own mistakes and learn from them, just as I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate always being told what to do as though you’re stupid. This reminds me of an old song that goes something like: “If I make mistakes, they’re MY mistakes, and I cherish them as part of MY story.” You may believe that you know better than her about how to develop Fi, but perhaps you forget that an important part of being FP is that you have to honor your own story. You can’t live someone else’s story, i.e., betray Fi, and then hope to have healthy Fi in the end. Sometimes, honoring your own story means taking paths that others wouldn’t and falling flat on your face.

2) I also believe that your friend is defensive partly because you have been somewhat judgmental, which is YOUR business to handle. Even if you don’t say it out loud, people can sense disapproval, especially NFs. With your voice in her ear, I’m sure she has some awareness that her behavior is problematic. However, if you keep reminding her of this, what you’re doing is exacerbating the shame and guilt that she feels for “slipping”. You’re asking her to do what’s right, which is what Fi would do, but remember that you may also be asking her to do something that she is not yet ready or ABLE to do - this is how the line gets crossed.

When you keep reminding FPs that they’re unable to do something, it doesn’t help them - it only makes them feel incompetent. If they feel that way long enough, it affects their self-esteem, which further exacerbates the feeling of incompetence in a vicious cycle. From here, she starts to assume things about your motives, as she projects her own sense of inadequacy. No one likes to feel less than. If you want to give advice, make sure that it’s wanted and appropriate for her level of competency. Most importantly, advice should be given lovingly, i.e., it should always be obvious that you are doing it from a place of care and empathy rather than a place of moral judgment. Avoid language that implies something about her moral character and focus more on the actions/consequences. You can’t speak such that you never offend anybody, but you can always check and recheck your own intentions to make sure that you’re speaking from the heart rather than the finger.

Sometimes, healing a relationship means stepping back a bit to let things cool down, such that you are able to return with fresher eyes. There’s a time for encouraging your friend, there’s a time for telling them the truth, and there’s a time for leaving them alone. It’s not always easy to decide the best option because the other person may not even know what it is they really need from you, if anything. At least she’s letting you know in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t need or want your judgment. To me, this raises the question of what she does need from you. It seems that you don’t know, because every time you try to intervene, you’re not helping her in any discernible way. If the people close to you are implying that you’re judgy, it’s something to pay attention to. It means that you’re either not approaching “helping” with the right intention or you’re not expressing your desire to help in the right way. Something that I often have to remind Fi types of is that “helping” is ultimately about the other person, not just about you satisfying your own moral imperatives. If you forget this, you may easily overstep and disrespect the other person’s boundaries due to imposing your values on them.

ENFPs love to discuss the things that are important to them. They love to explore new ideas and possibilities. But if the only reason you’re engaging in the discussion is to try to “lead” her into agreeing with your way of judging the situation, she’ll know, and she’ll close up, because you’re being disingenuous. In essence, being “judgy” might mean that you are imposing your idea of what Fi development is onto her, instead of helping her to discover the best ways of reaching healthy Fi on her own terms, at her own pace, in her own way - assuming that Fi development is still something that she wants.

It’s easy to spot problems in people, but it’s a lot harder to come up with the most appropriate solution. Like it or not, these men are fulfilling a need in her life, and this can easily turn into a form of addiction, with withdrawal symptoms and all that jazz. The longer someone carries on a pattern, the harder it is to break. What exactly is the need that she’s attempting to fill? Where does that need come from, why does it exist in that form, or why is it such an urgent matter to her that she’s unable to give up her pattern of serial dating? Is there a better or healthier method to address the need... a method that she is capable of carrying out? If there is a competency problem, what is the best way to address it? These are the questions that you should ask, if you want to understand her well enough to tackle the problem constructively. And you may not get the answers until you approach her at the right time, in the right way.

#enfp #enfp relationships #te loop #friendship #helping #relationships #communication #ask

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soovaryit · 7 years

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I couldn’t decide whether to post this, because I felt the subject matter was too big and maybe I was privileged in too many ways to feel that my opinion is important. But after watching footage of the women’s marches around the world the day after Trumps inauguration, I got to thinking about protesting, about women voicing their opinions and what it was that made me worry about voicing mine. I’ve had a lot of conversations with people recently about the value of feeling angry. Some of them have made me angry (lol) and some have made me think about what right we have to tell people how to react to their, and others, injustices. Trump becoming elected is making people extremely angry and that is undeniably useful and a tool for change. Here is my opinion, from one person, in one place, at one time but hopefully something that can speak to all. The root of a lot of the anger and problems in the world are rooted in the problem of gender. From birth we are gendered. We are told if we don’t feel like we are taught (brainwashed) to feel, as our designated gender, then we can be ‘fixed’ or counselled until we accept it. We are told that when we are born into the wrong body that it cannot be true. But how can that be so when there is no truth in gender. There is biological sex and then there are the damaging ideals that are set alongside that. Instead of admit that gender is an inherently flawed societal construction, people are damaged by legislation telling them who they are and what to do with their bodies. There is no logic in that. As a society, we hurt them, oppress them, question them, fetishize them, and make them feel unsafe. I am a cis white woman. I was born into a body that I feel belongs to me and I feel comfortable in my own kind of femininity which is one that is widely accepted by society. But that is something that not all people share and something so many take for granted. It cannot be disputed that as women are born into a culture of fear and of ‘too much’ or ‘never enough’ – destined for a life of inequality solely because we identify as women. This will be the case in varying extremes, depending on where you are born. I am fortunate that I was born into a part of the world where gender equality consistently improves in small ways. But striving for equality is a feat that will never be over, no matter how much it improves for you as an individual in the place that you are in the world. I used to be afraid to call myself a feminist. I was afraid of the weight and the assumptions that the term held. I was afraid of what men would think of me being a feminist, because I have grown up to be conditioned to think about what men think. I was afraid of what women would think of me, especially women who already identified as feminists. I’d think maybe I didn’t know enough, maybe I haven’t read the right books, maybe they’ll question my dedication to the cause because I don’t always go to protests and I choose to shave my body hair. At this point in my life I wasn’t even aware that not ascribing to either gender was possible. Now I am proud to call myself a feminist because I recognise the urgency of the need for change all over the world. It’s a complicated and difficult thing being a woman today. Even when you are aware of the ways in which you may have been unknowingly pressured into being feminine, and when you are aware of how fucked up it is that the archetypal beauty standard is western, thin, toned, small, symmetrical, hairless, long haired, blemish free and all the things that the majority of women are NOT, you still fight every day for peace of mind. You try to find justification everywhere you can that you have a right to be a woman in the way that you want to, without letting others dictate that. You can be as ‘woke’ as you want and yet you will probably find that these gender norms are so deeply, irretrievably ingrained into your existence that you can’t go a day without questioning a seemingly insignificant action or feeling guilty for going against the worlds ridiculous and reductive idea of what a woman (or man for that matter) is. You might remember the point at which you became aware that you were a woman. For me, that happened when I was 9 years old and my body was sexualised by cat callers for the first time. I cried, and I felt a deep sense of shame and embarrassment and a longing to feel safe in my body. For a lot of women, the realisation that their body was something to be objectified or owned by men would have been a lot more brutal, painful, and intolerable. But regardless, it’s in this moment that you realise that society will not let you forget your gender, in any situation. We’re told we can’t be both sexy and intelligent. If we’re modest, we’re prudes, if we’re empowered by our sexuality, we’re sluts. If we’re opinionated and assertive, we’re bossy. If we weren’t born with a typical vagina, we aren’t a ‘real woman’. If we are too thin, we are not a ‘real woman’, yet we’re told to be thinner all over or bigger but only in all the right places. We’re sexualised to the point where feeding our babies from our breasts is something to be held against us. Something considered disgusting. If we choose to marry, we are oppressed and we have submitted to heteronormative, patriarchal ideas of romance. If we don’t find a partner we are lonely and left on the shelf. Some women don’t even have the choice to marry but are forced to, before their minds are even old enough to comprehend the concept of it. Some women are mutilated and raped in the name of culture or religion or because they were drunk but will still be assured that it is their fault, and not the fault of the perpetrator. Victim blaming is a well-used and abused way to silence women. The majority of our struggles and troubles come from these ideas of gender difference that we choose to accept and reinforce and not discuss critically. Feminism and female problems are often dismissed because if we take up too much space with our suffering, people with more privilege will be forced to feel just a fraction of the rage and the pain that we, collectively, have felt and they don’t want to. I used to think nothing of toning down my beliefs to retain friendships and relationships but now I see the damage caused by that, and the time that is wasted surrounding yourself with people who don’t allow you to be who you are. And for people who don’t understand this (of which there are MANY, a quick look on social media tells me). THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON MEN. It feels ridiculous the amount of times I have had to say to this before. The fact that some men make this about them is extremely telling of just how screwed the world is. Every time you try and take up women’s space by talking about male problems, you are proving our point and our desperate need for feminism in this day and age. Men have problems. Gender roles cause problems. Being in the patriarchal society that we are in oppresses them in ways too. And there is time and space to talk about that, but not when we are talking about female problems. I know so many great men who are proof that you can absolutely resist the toxic traits associated with masculinity and support women and be whatever kind of man you like. I literally burst with joy when I see the kindness and respect from my nephews and brother and men in my family and friend group who understand the struggle that women have in achieving basic rights and living a life they want to without reprimand, without fighting for it. Inspiring change in any way big or small is important. Every time I doubt myself now I think ‘where does it come from?’ And it never comes from inside me. It is something we are born into. The fear of telling our truth. The toxic trap of femininity and masculinity and the boxes it puts us into. Man up. Be a lady. Don’t cry like a girl. With Trump being elected, it feels like progress will stop and the hard work of many people to get closer to equality will be erased. But the strength and power, the ferociousness and raw emotion that comes from those women who marched, from all of us who are on their side, comes from suffering and wanting to be heard and understood. Sometimes the truth will make you uncomfortable, but Trump is living, breathing proof of what ignorance and privilege can turn you into (see Mike Pence and Piers Morgan for further proof).Ignorance is not bliss, but a place where prejudice and discrimination and hate can grow uninterrupted. The message I want to convey here is this: there is power in protest, in conversation, in confrontation. However you feel comfortable to stand up for yourself and those who are marginalised – do so. If you don’t feel confident enough in your beliefs to discuss them yet then read, absorb, watch, listen,be critical of the world around you and start to understand and feel the deep injustices, big and small, that women face. Remember that being intersectional is essential, to be the voices of women who have an even more difficult time being heard. If you want to - shout, scream, and make a fuss about it. Be angry. Think about history and how the horrific injustices of the past have not been rectified just because we are told to think they are. We don’t live in a post racial world. We don’t live in a world where genders are equal, and it is ignorant and lazy to think so. Don’t be tolerant of behaviour and actions that make you feel threatened and uncomfortable, regardless of the voice in your head (aka the patriarchy booo) that tells you to smile and be gentle and quiet. There is space for that, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t have to be your perpetual state of being just because it’s easier for others to swallow. Try and shed the guilt that you were born with and have been taught to hold on to just because it makes others’ lives easier. Educate yourself, find your strength in any way you can and remember there is no change too small to help in the challenge this world faces.

‘Don’t let anyone tell you the kind of strength you should have when you’re the only one who feels the full impact of what life puts you through’ Samantha King (@_samantha.king on instagram) ... and a link to an article by the glorious Eve Ensler about her thoughts on the march. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/jan/21/womens-march-donald-trump-inauguration?CMP=fb_guing

#womensmarch #feminism #femaleempowerment #gender

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phoenixrp-blog1 · 7 years

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“You gotta know how to treat me like a lady. Even when I'm acting crazy, tell me everything's alright.” - Dear Future Husband by Meghan Trainor

Basics

NAME: Aubrey Savage

AGE: 40

OCCUPATION: Sentinel Officer

SPECIES: Ghost

BIRTHPLACE: Miami, Florida

CURRENT LOCATION IN CASTOR: Coldbourne

FACE CLAIM: Emmy Rossum

Biography

Aubrey thought she had it all as she grew up. A great home life, friends, and she was head-over-heels in love with her high school sweetheart, Brent. However there were little things she didn’t catch on to; His constant need to check on her, the attitude when she didn’t answer her phone, the overly tight grip on her arm when he wanted to leave somewhere, or the belittling remarks that increased over time. They were chalked up to being both overly caring and teasing at the same time, however there was no denying the truth after the black-eyes started.

She was a young woman and all she knew was the life she had forged with him. They met as freshmen in high school and kept their relationship going all four years and even afterwards. Brent constantly was between jobs and in the process increased his intake of alcohol, the liquor only fueling him further when his outlet for anger was Aubrey. Sure, she tried to leave more than once, but he always found her and convinced her to come back with claims he had changed and was sorry. Over time she started to accept this as her life and shut down, the toxic relationship at home causing her approach to others to be just as toxic to keep them at bay. The final straw was when Aubrey’s sister called her in the middle of the day in the midst of a panic attack. Aubrey immediately grabbed her car keys and headed for the door but Brent stopped her, claiming her sister was simply being over dramatic and that Aubrey didn’t need to leave. An argument ensued and Aubrey, fueled by her sister’s need, did not back down and made it out the door.

That evening, while still at her sister’s apartment, she gathered up the courage to break things off with Brent over the phone. He took it uncharacteristically well, something that hadn’t happened any other time she tried to leave, and she foolishly was not suspicious. What she had anticipated to be a smooth transition was far from it, for when she arrived to gather her things Brent was there waiting for her...With his gun. The police bought the story that he thought she was a burglar and the entire incident was accidental, but there was no way for them to know the truth. Aubrey tried her best to get them to understand but her screams fell on deaf ears and it wouldn’t be long before she knew why there was no response to her pleas - She was dead, watching as a ghost as Brent was deemed innocent. He even dared to shed a few tears and the entire thing infuriated her. How dare he! He may have gotten away with it legally but she wouldn’t let him live on peacefully after all he had done to her. Vengeance would be hers.

For over a year she haunted Brent and all that he did. He would never get a full night of sleep again but all of Aubrey’s efforts still did not satiate her need for revenge and it enraged her more. This anger should have been something she avoided but she embraced it and used it to her advantage. It soon became too much for him - The constant whispers taunting him of his guilt, the stress from lack of sleep and coming home to his home trashed - And he suffered a heart attack.

Satisfied by her revenge, Aubrey moved on with her life though it wasn’t simple. She had caused Brent’s death, she was the one driven strongly by her anger without ways to control it. It has now been years since she she settled in Castor but the possibility of becoming a poltergeist still lingers over her. Even while using her job as a Sentinel to channel her emotions, it is a daily struggle to keep her guilt and anger in line, and part of her wonders if she’ll ever regain full control and be able to live without worry. The question is, though, what will happen if she doesn’t?

Personality Traits

POSITIVE: Passionate, Strong-Willed, Quick-Witted

NEGATIVE: Distant, Agressive, Hot-Tempered

Connections

CHARLIE: Charlie is one of the few that helps keep Aubrey grounded. She finds his large caffeine intake amusing and a way to distract her from whatever troubles her. He knows more about her own species than she does and she doesn’t hesitate to ask him for input or advice.

FREJA: Freja’s difficulty making friends did not play a part for her and Aubrey. She was one of the first few of the Cirque that the Ghost met and the some of the mermaid’s traits reminded her of her old self growing up. She just can’t place why.

BLAIR: Aubrey met Blair shortly after the other Ghost joined the Sentiels. Blair has every right to be angry over her own situation...Yet she isn’t, and it fascinates Aubrey. She’s curious as to how her colleague can remain so put together, far away from the path Aubrey was going down.

GERALT: What Sentinel wouldn’t have Geralt in their phone on speed dial? This man’s talent and respect for weapons has most definitely won over her friendship. Though, with his craft, she’s got no problem calling Geralt her favorite. Whenever a new weapon comes out, she’s on the phone with him and ordering it. The same goes for when her weapons need fixing or replacing.

ADELA: This woman’s strength intrigues her, leaving Aubrey completely excited by the prospect of getting to know her. She knows, though, that there is something more to the woman than the air she gives off. To Aubrey, if they were to become friends, she’d hope the woman wasn’t involved with anything that could get the both of them on Mischa’s bad side.

LYDIA: Despite her lack of need for eating what-so-ever, she finds the woman’s artistic ability with food to be more than interesting. She’s seen the woman cook when the Sentinels get called in for some sort of call of a domestic disturbance, but that’s usually the only time she sees her. Though, someday, Aubrey might actually meet the woman for coffee.

TOBIAS: This sweet Angel has got to be the only one she can tolerate without feeling that aggression boil up. Sure, he was chipper just like the rest of them, but he seemed so sweet that she couldn’t help but be nice to him. Since she’s gotten to know him, though, she’s fiercely loyal and would do anything for Tobias. If he’s ever hurt, though, you can bet her anger is raging and she’s fighting off becoming a poltergeist.

This character is: OPEN || RESERVED || TAKEN

#all #open #open female #of #sentinels #af department #officer #ghost #coldbourne #aubrey savage #emmy rossum #emmy rossum fc

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships and Be Yourself Again

Toxic relationships come in many forms, physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal and even emotional abuse. Sometimes the toxicity is almost subtle. But if you constantly feel controlled, manipulated or berated, then you may need to do some introspection. Toxic and abusive relationships are more common than you may realize. In fact, one statistic claims 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a partner. And that’s just in a single year [1]. More troubling, 43% of college women experience violent and abusive dating behaviors but 57% say they don’t always know how to identify it. And an incredible 58% say they don’t know how to help a friend in a bad situation.

In an even more unfortunate twist, many people who experience abusive relationships don’t think their relationships are abusive because they may not be getting physically assaulted. Yet for those who do manage to recognize the relationship they are in is a bad one, the impact the toxicity had can be a lingering one. The cruel words and treatments of an abusive partner can trick the victim into believing they are worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, and more. They can even begin to believe they deserve to be mistreated and fall into relationships that mimic the abusive behavior.

Why it should be fixed:

Abuse should never be tolerated. Period. And yet only 33% of teens who experienced a violent relationship actually told someone about it. This shockingly low statistic is not helped by 81% of parents refusing to believe teen dating violence exists. And that’s the other thing: Over 80% of parents feel they would definitely know if their child was being abused in some way, yet only 58% of those parents were able to identify warning signs. A lack of recognition from loved ones can further push you to believe you deserve to be mistreated. And it isn’t true.

Yet the side effects are chilling. Check out these facts from loveisrespect.org:

Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications by putting the victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.

Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STI.

Half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape attempt suicide, compared to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys.

It’s clear the effects of having an abusive and toxic relationship seriously and harshly impact the victim, even if they are able to leave the abuse. And even if you have experienced a toxic relationship and feel you successfully moved on, you should ask yourself if you truly have.

How to Identify a Toxic Relationship:

Before trying to get back to your truest self and move on from a toxic situation, it’s important to identify the warning signs that you are in one to begin with.

Narcissism: If your partner is uber obsessed with him/herself, it will be impossible to ever feel like a partnership. This doesn’t mean your partner loves to take selfies, but rather extreme selfishness when it comes to their own talents and the need for admiration.

Drama, Drama, Drama: If you are in a toxic relationship, you may find yourself more stressed out than you’ve ever been and feeling that your life is incredibly complicated. Remember that a healthy relationship improves your life. All relationships (healthy and otherwise) come with occasional drama, but if it’s consistent, take note; it may be a bad situation.

You just can’t seem to do anything right: Do you ever feel like you’re always being told that something you did was wrong? A toxic relationship can cost you your sense of self worth and success. Don’t waste your time!

Their jokes are anything but funny: When your partner teases you, do you get the sense they are actually saying cruel things to you behind the mask of humor? Teasing in a relationship is fine, but when the teasing seems more like bullying, it may be time to step away.

You no longer recognize yourself: If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you may realize you’re acting strangely to those around you. Maybe you’re more quick to anger, or your drinking/smoking habit has increased. Perhaps your work has really become lackluster but you don’t care to improve upon it. This is a big red flag that you’re in a toxic relationship and it is having a terrible effect on you.

How to get out and get help:

Getting out of a toxic relationship is often times not easy, but it is necessary. So many of us feel like we need to be in a relationship, but that isn’t the case. In fact, feeling completed only when in a relationship is a sign of codependency. And that isn’t healthy. And if you’ve been reading this as a single person and yet you identify with the words, know it is possible to be in a toxic relationship that isn’t romantic. If your mom is constantly telling you you’re overweight or not successful, you’re in a toxic relationship with her! No matter who you find to be toxic in your life, it’s crucial to get out before you lose all sense of yourself.

Accept you are in denial.

We all want to believe we are happy, but sometimes we aren’t. And often times, it’s not your fault. If you feel depressed or depleted after spending time with a certain person, go back through the warning signs. If they all line up, recognize that you need to get out.

Heal.

When you get out of a toxic relationship, you often feel emotionally damaged. Make a list of the things you used to love about yourself. Can you claim those same things now, or did that toxic relationship convince you those traits weren’t attractive? Surround yourself with positive people who inspire you to love your true self again.

Kelly McDaniel, author of ‘Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex and Relationship Addiction says the following:

The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

Stop all contact! Period!

Any kind of breakup (healthy, toxic, romantic, non-romantic) is hard. And we often feel the need to hang on to some kind of friendship with that person. Even if they were abusive, we want to reach out on occasion in a friendly text so they know we don’t hate them. Why? This is one of the worst things you can do if you are trying to overcome a toxic relationship’s hold over you. Many abusive and toxic people have a sweet side. This is often what causes us to think they can change, or that it wasn’t really that bad. But don’t be fooled into reengaging. Do whatever it takes to strive for zero contact [2].

Expect more drama.

Unfortunately, in today’s world of social media and instant gratification, breakups tend to come with a lot of shade from the ex. This can sometimes mean being made out to look like the bad guy, even though you may have been dealing with abuse. While this can be so heartbreaking, it’s important to remember that you know the truth.

Don’t give in and look like “the crazy ex,” but do surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. Remember that you did what you needed to do for yourself, and any argument you encourage based on lies will only cause the toxic person to persist. Block them on social media, block their number and don’t give in to the drama. You’ll never be able to truly overcome the experience if you allow yourself to look at the continued abuse every day.

Force yourself to overcome!

For some people, writing a letter to the person you want to let go is helpful. Obviously, you don’t want to send the letter! In fact, you can burn it or even bury it to signify the end of the relationship and gain closure. Pour out all the feelings and words you wish you could say and end the letter with acknowledgement of release. Try: I release you across all space and time. Thank you for helping me learn and grow.

Don’t ever tolerate it again.

Perhaps most importantly, don’t ever allow yourself to be mistreated again. When you’ve experienced a toxic and/or abusive relationship, you walk away knowing what to look for. If you find yourself dating someone who reminds you of that person, recognize the pattern you may be falling into and do what you need in order to get help and walk away.

If you are in the U.S. and need help identifying whether you or someone you love is in a toxic relationship, text loveis to 22522. You’ll receive a response from a peer advocate who can answer questions you may have.

To speak to someone, call 1-866-331-9474.

If you or someone you love has been driven to consider suicide after a toxic relationship, please know there are people who care. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-272-8255. For anyone outside the United States, click here to find help in your country.

Featured photo credit: William Stitt via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]^Love Is Respect Org: Dating Abuse Statistics[2]^Psychology Today: Three Steps for Getting Out of a Toxic Relationship

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

Text

How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships and Be Yourself Again

Why it should be fixed:

Yet the side effects are chilling. Check out these facts from loveisrespect.org:

Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications by putting the victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.

Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STI.

Half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape attempt suicide, compared to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys.

How to Identify a Toxic Relationship:

Before trying to get back to your truest self and move on from a toxic situation, it’s important to identify the warning signs that you are in one to begin with.

How to get out and get help:

Accept you are in denial.

Heal.

Kelly McDaniel, author of ‘Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex and Relationship Addiction says the following:

Stop all contact! Period!

Expect more drama.

Force yourself to overcome!

Don’t ever tolerate it again.

To speak to someone, call 1-866-331-9474.

Featured photo credit: William Stitt via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]^Love Is Respect Org: Dating Abuse Statistics[2]^Psychology Today: Three Steps for Getting Out of a Toxic Relationship

The post How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships and Be Yourself Again appeared first on Lifehack.

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2roUgD1 via Viral News HQ

#IFTTT #Viral News HQ

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