#visiting my parents is suffering

[kataiki]

Nothing in this world is as cruel as finding a bag of beef jerky and it's dog treats

#visiting my parents is suffering #i would come over and my mom is making fried rice #and shes like #this is for the dogs #canines are eating better than i am

[dykeinthedark]

J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye // BoJack Horseman 6.16 "Nice While it Lasted," // The Smiths, "The Queen is Dead" // Velvet Goldmine dir. Todd Haynes // John Knowles, A Separate Peace

#moodboard for when i'm visiting my parents' house during holidays #i am SUFFERING with the passage of time guys!!!! #webweaving #catcher in the rye #bojack horseman #the smiths #velvet goldmine #a separate peace #asp #fml

[beeholyshit]

I'm so emotional rn

#(🍰) *⁠.⁠✧ — Maroon #(☆) ｡⁠.ﾟ— Red #pokespe parents #time for me to ramble in tags #I can't believe what they did to Bill. I was so worried when I SAW HIM ON THE FLOOR ALL COVERED IN BLOOD #THAT'S RED'S BIG BROTHER NO ONE CAN TOUCH HIM PLEASE PLEASE #this is my way of copinwiuughhgouh #Bill's also my son I never mention it but I keep him in my heart #pats his head #the same reason why Maroon visits him on the hospital to take care of him #also because I believe that when the kids turned into stone Bill was there for her all the time and was also the one who told her- #-what happened and all the things Red kept as a secret (because he cares about both of them) #checking on her while she was DEPRESSED #I know I never talked properly about that but it hurted me so much I WILL ONE DAY BUT OUGHHG #anyways #going back to Red #you have no idea how much I missed my sweet baby. I saw him and started crying #he is my biggest comfort you have no idea how much I suffer when I see him sufder ougjhg #I'M GONNA START CRYING AGAIN #I just needed to make 10000 doodles of smoo tiny bebe #iwiwiw #🖍️ —⁠ Silly doodles #pokespe #pokemon special

[kanene-yaaay-o-retorno]

Random au because I can't stop thinking about this:

On the doc Mike and Pac found in the prison said that if Walter Bob completed that specific task he would be free from the jail/no longer a prisoner, right? (MY memory isn't the best so maybe this is a bit wrong but that is what we have for today folks augstwfwywfrqcw)

So

What if one day he finishes the task and Cucorucho with a smile brings him to another federation building and asks him to get into a room

So

Days later Fit is asked to clean a room, no big deal, another day of honest work where he starts lurking around looking for anything that could be useful for him and his mission

And then, in another place that he isn't suppose to be, but that he got into anyway is a... something. In the corner. It's small, it's scared, maybe even trembling a little bit and tired, very tired.

It's an egg.

When he enters, it turns around to face him and Fit freezes for a second because now he can clearly read the name on top of the kid.

"Walter Bob"

Well, he isn't coming out of that building alone.

Also! For fluff purposes! Imagine he bringing him to show Pac and Mike, like, Walter Bob doesn't have the memories of Before but he can't help but feel at ease around those "strangers" and their vibrant, lively energy, especially because they seem to like be around him as well, always full of hugs and itens and new places to show around.

Ramon being a good older brother! Showing him how to explode things and being perfect to bring his more quiet and chaotic side.

The fact that before he couldn’t remember ever having a bed just the cold metal of the cell and the guards shouting and pain and experiments and cold cold cold

But now it's different! Now he has a family, people from everywhere smiling and talking to him and helping and saying strange, kind things like that their house is his as well and that if he ever ever need he could call

And then Forever reforms the NINHO to have another room and Bad calls him to chat while making his buildings and Baghera gives him a bunch of invisible potions so they can hang around listening to gossips and Philza is always chill in letting him visit and Foolish laugh and goof around like nothing could ever go wrong everytime he gets too anxious and Mike and Pac are there and...

And Richas gives him beautiful paintings to put in his room and Dapper show him all his cool animal collection and Leo take him to a train ride and Tallulah helps him to decorate his room and...

And and and

(And the hope is there, it hurts too much to bare sometimes, like it's a knife that already cut him before.

But little by little, with time, the wounds begins to heal)

#this is literally me in despair for any kind of fluff with Walter bob pls mah man already suffered SO MUCH #and yeah I feel like this outcome is very ooc but WELL OH WELL what is this??? logic in my au #??? no thanks I will take the domestic fluff #qsmp #qsmp au #maybe I will write an oneshot for this later #i really just want them to be a big family aaaaa ♡♡♡♡ #walter bob #ALSO THIS GIVES CHANCE FOR PAC AND FIT GET CLOSER I MEAN COUGH COUGH CO-PARENTING AM I RIGHT #watch Mike discovers that fit has a new egg and it's Walter Bob and suddenly getting all his things and moving to Fit's house #w Pac following behind like 'sorry sorry we're all like a package deal now yeah I don’t think Mike is gonna let him go for some time sooo... #Sleepover time :DDDD #(Mike would like to just get Walter Bob and run for it but he doesn’t want to wake any bad memory so :( #also the angst potential of them realizing that he holds no memory of his past. of what they have lived together in that prison. #of Walter Bob sometimes seeing the fed buildings he did and feeling an horrible dread overcoming him for some reason. #the way that he is tired most of the time and how visiting some places makes him have such a strong sense of dejavu #yeah yeah anyway I am. full of thoughts. #Pac #Mike #Fit

[cookinguptales]

this isn't sad posting, this is irritation posting

(under a cut because uhhh I got really irritated)

my family is most likely going to be going to Japan in a few months and I'm very excited to be going back!!!

the one snag is that my mother and my aunt will be there for the first few days of the trip and my mother I love dearly but she's... not as fond of traveling these days.

but okay. I can plan around that. not a lot of moving around, not a lot of "difficult" foods, etc. I can do that.

my aunt, though.

my aunt.

we're estranged from most of our family because... honestly, they're terrible people. but my father and mother have stubbornly hung onto my father's aunt, mostly because she is outwardly sweet and they love her and she's not As Awful as most of the evangelical extended family.

but she's still very much a lutheran minister's wife and she is saying

I shit you not here

she's saying she does not wish to see anything shinto or buddhist

in

KYOTO

like she wants to take a day trip to Nara to see the deer but is refusing to go see the daibutsu IN THE SAME PARK which is FIFTEEN METERS HIGH and in one of the largest and most beautiful wooden buildings in the world and like oh my fucking god can you imagine just refusing to look at an entire hemisphere's art because it's not christian enough I am going to SCREAM and I'm really considering being a dick and telling her that the deer are religious, too, WHICH IS TRUE, but I know my parents would probably get irritated with me (...because they also want to see the deer)

*breathes*

and I mean I could probably arrange like three days in Japan that completely avoid all Japanese religion even though it seems fairly shitty to ask a person to do all the translating for you in a country that they went to school in to study Japanese religion and refuse to let them go!! to any religious sites!!!!!

and honestly I'm not sure I even want to take her to any shrines and temples because she's probably just gonna be rude there and I don't want to inflict that on people but like

I'm so frustrated, and I'm frustrated that my parents aren't just like. telling her that she's being a dick.

dad is going with me to koyasan after they leave, probably partially to make it up to me, but like.

I feel like it's only a matter of time until I blow up at this woman and tell her that I hate her. I recognize that it would deeply damage my fragile family dynamics but. holy shit.

lmao this is how I fucking snap

#we've been visiting with this aunt for the past couple days and I'm Suffering #my parents insist she's not as homophobic as the others but she told me to my fucking face that she doesn't 'believe' in equal marriage #and my parents just kind of awkwardly didn't say anything #it was years ago and I'm still deeply bitter over it #idk why this one freaking lady is their blind spot #but she's driving me nuts #just me #vent post

[strifethedestroyer]

my uncle died. hm

this is the first time i've ever reached the tag limit. the last word is meant to be funeral.

#text #interesting experience #i mean it was expected he's been suffering for a couple of months now. he got a lot better at one point and everyone was like woo you're- #-gonna survive! you're not gonna be like before but you're not gonna die but eh voila he died #like a week ago he was sent to the hospital because his kidneys just failed and the doctors said nah dude he's on his deathbed. better #just die at home rather than dying in the hospital alone so they took him home and they've been waiting ever since and here we are #personally i barely know shit about the guy. he used to deliver us bread and he shook my hand once and smiled at me. radiated a good aura #but i dont know anything. dad says he really respected and loved my brother and i so ill take his word for it #but man for the past like month its all you hear about. like i dont mean this in a derogatory way i completely understand dont get me wrng #but its just death death death all around #an hour or so ago i was walking my dog with my mom and brother and i just said i wonder if uncle's died yet #20 minutes afterwards my mom gets a call that he's died. uncle was in a different room from the rest of the family so they couldnt know #exactly when he died (we went to visit at about 5 pm today and he was alive but asleep) but my parents think it must have been around when #i said that. dad's superstitious and all and says that uncle sent me a sign. like i said apparently uncle loved me a lot. im not #superstitious but i'll take his word for it - uncle sent me a sign before he died. #i feel a little bad now. he seemed like a good man. im just replaying my only memory of him - that time when he shook my hand and smiled #like smiled very brightly. he and grandma look so alike. like ofc they do they're siblings but they look so alike #im very worried for my parents and grandma though. #espechially grandma. she's been at his house almost all week becuase she knew his time was soon #when we visited today we were supposed to pick her up and bring her home and then return her tomorrow but once we arrived she apparently #said (idk i didnt go inside i just wandered outside and pspsed at cats #that she didnt want to come home becuase he was very ill. she knew man she knew. #i dont know how she's going to handle this i just hope she'll be okay we'll do what we can to help her #i hope my parents are going to be okay too. me and my mom's relationship is rocky and i dont like my dad much #my dad returned from europe yesterday to stay with us for a month and i was really not looking forward to it. i always dread his visits #like dont get me wrong i love him just like im supposed to i just dont like him very much #but nonetheless i hope they'll be okay #as far as i know my brother also didnt know my uncle very well so i dont think i have to worry about him #he and i will just have to do our best to support our family i guess #about like 30 minutes ago my parents left for uncle's house and they'll return early morning tomorrow and then go back immidietaly for the

[genderfluid-druid]

finally learning emotional intelligence as an adult in my 30s feels like playing with goddamn tinker toys while i watch other people my age building these beautiful emotional ecosystems out of hand carved mahogany. but the alternative is to continue being glib and dismissive of every emotion i experience for the rest of my life so 👍 pass me that green rod i guess. and do you see any more hubs

#at some point last fall i visited my parents and was telling them about my plants #i had just bought a nerve plant aka fittonia #i got her because nerve plants are famous for wilting dramatically when their water conditions aren't just right #i thought it was interesting and funny and maybe a good way to keep an eye on my plant area. catch any moisture problems early #bit of a canary in a coal mine idea you know #anyway i told my parents about this plant #and they kind of laughed and rolled their eyes about this plant being so dramatic #and I said no. you see. i like a plant that communicates its needs #and i swear to God #i could See the thought passing through their eyes for the first time #that that might be a good thing #oh i think I'm gonna scream actually #DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS I SUFFERED CRIPPLING PERIOD CRAMPS EVERY GODDAMN MONTH AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE #by the way. nerve plants are fine after you water them. once you fix the problem they perk right back up again #my parents did their best. and frankly i think there's someone to be said that they raised an autistic child without traumatizing me #my depression and shit didn't appear until high school when i had to start interacting with the wider more complex world in earnest #and didn't have the tools for it #but my childhood of being given art supplies and left to my own devices was pretty chill #but i do wish unhappiness and discomfort hadn't been. like. something to be avoided or fixed immediately so no one had to talk about it #anyway. the birdcage is a good movie

[jackdawsfavorite]

What doesn't kill you makes you sad strange defensive and difficult to connect with

#It's my annual visit to stay with my parents which means #Two weeks of being as normal as possible around people all day while my journal entries get increasingly unhinged #Because openness fosters interpersonal closeness but I don't know how to be Open around them in a way that doesn't massively hurt for evry1 #Like. How am I? I'm in near constant emotional pain because coming back here sucks. Because my memories of here since #like eleven are of suffering and fear and inability to escape. So I'm scared and hurting. But! #I will keep coming back here anyway. Because one day I won't have my parents anymore. And I don't want to regret time not spent with them. #It's a bit perverse isn't it. Being motivated by fleeing fear instead of pursuing love. But that's where I'm at. #And what are my parents meant to do with that? They can't fix it. Or me. They can't apologize in a way that would mean anything to me. #They can only suffer in guilt and helplessness. And then I'll imagine their suffering and hurt more for it. #And that's it! Fin! The only endpoint I can see. I've tried putting it on their shoulders before. It only hurts. #So I will try very hard to behave like I'm calm and okay. And in two weeks or when I snap -whichever comes first- I'll go back home #And return to the peace of social isolation and cleaning my house and admiring wildlife. #It's not healthy to keep oneself so alone. But I am not healthy. I'm sad and strange and defensive and difficult to connect with. #And nobody but me can help me and I don't know how to be different. #Christ. I need to go back to therapy. I need a hint. #Memories

[raystie]

wow my last post was in Feb so despite not really having a following here I still feel obligated to say I'm going through a Bad Time both mentally and physically rn I can't even be bothered to think about or play Yakuza or do anything really. not dead but I sure feel like I'm on the way there rn. won't be here for a while take care everyone

#ray txt #well if you really wanna know the tmi details I'm putting it in the tags because I love overshsring #short version is entered depressive episode couldn't regulate my emotions constant crying and racing thoughts and mood swings #eventually psychosomatic symptoms caused by anxiety gets bad enough I start also having health anxiety and freaking out that I had some #disease or illness and that I was gonna die #if you've ever had your body feel like it's dying because of anxiety it's the typical shit #chest feels tight and like it's being crushed and like I can't breathe #random pains all over sometimes muscles or stabbing pains across torso #random nausea sweating and constant loss of appetite but maybe that was the depression #anyway after multiple crying sessions and nights where I couldn't sleep until like 8am and my parents considering putting me in #psych rehab (idea got scrapped) I go see some specialists #they check my blood piss uterus (irregular cycles I only get it every 2-4 months for years now) #and x-rays and they tell me actually everything looks fine physically! there's nothing wrong anywhere they can see and all my Levels are #perfectly Normal and Average I don't have a disease or illness or deficit #so all those pains and suffering really was just psychologically manifested and my brain made it up #andi know it's true because after that visit the chest pain was a lot less Andi can breathe better now #wait but that's not the end of it! #the gyne thinks I could have PCOS but can't confirm so I get my hormones tested and turns out I have more prolactin than normal #that fool made it sound like I Needed to get a MRI scan to check the gland that produces it in my brain or whatever #i go see an endocrinologist who says oh actually the extra prolactin is most likely just from your psychiatric medications #turns out if you take those it's commonly seen to go up so I didn't have to get scanned #this was optional but he suggested I take cabergoline to lower it and also get my menstruation regular again #and that's what I'm doing now but I feel like I had forgotten what having a period is like after always going for months without it #Oh and then I saw a new psychiatrist. because I had serotonin syndrome before and my body reacts badly to medications I've taken #he suggests a sensitivity blood test which I agreed to IMMEADIATELY because I've spent almost a whole decade taking all sorts of meds and #none of it working out #I haven't gotten the results back but he also said SSRIs are out of the question #although I've tried a bunch of antipsychotics and (prescribed) ADHD medications and they didn't work out #really want this fucking test because taking a med and then getting blasted with side effects makes me feel like a guinea pig being #experimented on

[voidimp]

why are the invoices the hardest part of this round of comms

#like the comms themselves are Fine its going kinda slow bc of work (ive been doing overtime) & also having to clean bc #my parents are visiting next week so my free time is limited but like theyre Getting Done #but the INVOICES. AUGH #pain and suffering and hell forever #anyway i could probably add like. two more $25 colored bust sketches onto the pile. if anyone is interested #JUST TWO thats my limit & then i gotta get through what i have before i take on new ones (i can do a waitlist tho...) #i didnt make form like i meant to but u can just message me #(the reason i didnt make a form is bc i wanted to update my terms first so theres a simplified Summary Version but words are hard) #(also bc google forms is kind of a pain on mobile & i hardly ever use my laptop these days)

[bibleofficial]

my father asked me ‘why do u belittle ur brother so much’ like BC YALL FUCKING CODDLED HIM HIS ENTIRE LIFE SO HES STUPID

#diary #like do something worthy of my respect and MAYBE i’d give it to him #MAYBE #BUT HES YET TO #like honestly we were talking abt germany earlier & i was saying if i were to go id want to visit a death camp but like i would NOT do it w #my brother bc he’d start saying shit like ‘was it rly 2million 🙄’ & id start beating him #like he’s LUCKY he didn’t say SHIT abt the trans girl until later bc i would’ve CLOCKED HIM SO FAST #like my parents were like ‘that’s his opinion !!’ LIKE NO U CANT HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT A FACT SORRY THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS AND ITS BRAINDEAD #TO THINK THAT AS SUCH #IM NOT TOLERATING IT #IVE HAD TO CLAW RESPECT FROM PEOPLE W MY COLD FAGGOTY HANDS & I REFUSE TO STOOP FOR NOBODY #RAISE YOURSELF OR BE BELITTLED FUCK YOU #I DONT CARE #‘but their education is different ..’ THATS NOT AN EXCUSE #if u are CORRECTED and DONT change ur mind that’s ON U & u WILL be bullied for it i DO NOT CARE #‘bullying doesn’t change peoples minds’ i don’t give a shit ? #if they didn’t want to be bullied then be correct ? it’s not that hard ? like #that’s how that works #‘don’t eat the poison berry’ ‘im going to eat the poison berry’ > suffers #like GOOD bitch DAMN u SHOULD suffer #u were told to DO EXACTLY NOT THAT #i don’t feel bad & i WILL make fun of u #bc it’s fuckign FUNNY

[loutrem]

.

#its dumb of me but a few days ago i went with his deadname on google to see if i could see more stuff about his dead #since his friends who were alqo supposed to be my friends did a 'ceremony' together without telling me #even tho i rly wanted to go to be able to grief and to cry it out properly #so since i havent been able to grieve well i did that. search for his deadname. i just wanted to know #and i found out that a page for him was made on the tdor website. there were a ton of details on what was happening #before and after his death #many things i didnt know about. because i was a shit friend and never kept contact. and also because he was secretivz #i feel awful since then. who was i to him. why couldnt i help him. why am i even sorry for myself. he was the one suffering #i keep crying and i cant sleep at night without reading comics until i feel too tired to open my eyes #because otherwise im thinking too much about him. its just too awful. too unjust #i have. weird cravings for alcohol. ive never even drinked much before. im scared of starting to get addicted #but sometimes i wanna get somethibg anything and just drink until i pass out since people say its good to forget #i wish he were still alive. i wish i could hug him and help him. i wish id visited him in the hospital after his 1st mental breakdown #he had sent me a text to tell me he was there but i had work and i was tired and honestly too lazy to go. and now i regret it so bad #its all so unfair. death is so unfair. grief is so unfair. i was afraid i had no heart before because people who died around me didnt #phase me much. i didnt cry. but now that ive experienced the deaths of 2 actually very close people counting one i couldnt grieve forproper #i just wish i had no emotions. that i wouldnt cry when i think of them. but especially him. #and i cant stop thinking about how awful ill be when my parents die. ill be a wreck. #im just crying in my bed and its 4am. everythibg sucks. im so sorry to everyone whos ever met me. im awful #negative / #death m / #suicide m /

[wrecking]

genuinely just want to lay in bed and cry all the time as of late but you know i can’t just like Do that so i need to find some form of outlet for this

edit: i did not expect the tags to be this long, sorry for that

#d #haven't felt this consistently bad in a long time #idk what it is specifically like if it's the college thing or the injury thing or the Me Suffering Mentally thing or all 3 #as time has gone on since i finished high school i've always kinda struggled imagining . any sort of future for myself at all #i feel like i'm coming to the realization that i'm not really ever going to be not codependent just because i'm so Like This #and like that's fine in my head but i know everyone else is going to hate it all the time and also hate me for it #and it just makes me so. why can't i have been born into a family that actually listens to me or respects me #why can't i get out either. at least without tearing this whole family apart #not like it matters much to me cuz i've always felt like a stranger but i know it'd destroy them #but also all of this ^^^ shouldn't even fucking MATTER right now because i'm struggling enough with college prep and trying to cope #esp with the 15000000 doctor's visits and health scares and everyone insisting i have to uproot every aspect of my current routine #for whatever god damn reason (some valid some not) so i'm just constantly uneasy and uncomfortable and i feel like i'm getting more unstable #it's frustrating watching my parents seem cordially concerned about my health or my college status or something #but anytime it's not what they want to hear or i disagree with them about something it's immediately back to them treating me horribly #and also the fact i can't like. add onto this at all cuz to my parents i'm so. clueless that if i reveal any of this- #i will spend the next 100000 years fighting for anything i say to be seen legitimately regarding anything at all. #like i can't change anything without fighting like hell but i also can't stay the same so it feels like i'm losing all my agency #and being forced into things i'm either not ready for or don't want #but i can't oppose or speak out or ask for anything else because either i'm ungrateful or too naive to be involved in the conversation #i feel like i'm being excluded from the conversation if you will about my entire life. everything about me i find out after everyone else #god sorry i ranted in the tags tonight. gonna just post this and delete it in a few hours :zany:

[asbestieos]

wehh

#thought abt having to tell my mom abt moving plans and got scared again #now im stuck here thinking abt how unhealthily depended my parents r on me #brother i havent even lived :punching my wall: #i should get to live on my own i should get to be aoart form them shoukdnt i . #battery acid suffering #i wanna be free and liv with sunshine #wehh #this year.. summer #its not like ill never visit and its not like im leavinf them forever #ill call often #its just. wehh #aughh

[vaugarde]

.

#so spike has diabetes and a uti rn and its gonna take a lot of work to keep him stable #we’re not putting him down hes not in pain just needs to be monitored more #but im pissed bc i kept asking my parents to take him to the vet and they kept shrugging me off with ‘’ur too sensitive hes fine’’ #when he’s not eating and literally leaking and barely has any energy. and also lost 18% of weight since may #youd think after he had surgery to remove his eye last year theyd be more alert when something is obviously wrong #so they kept whining abt me ‘’pestering them’’ to call the vet and WHOOPS turns out if he was left alone for as much as they wanted #he wouldve fallen into a diabetic coma. theyre apologetic and saying i was right to pester but im angry #bc now hes been in pain all this time and we literally could have lost him if they insisted on waiting til the next vet visit several months #away #im mad bc theres this but where im shrill and overreactive so no one can take me seriously (which btw applied to my hs trauma bc everyone #insisted i was a sensitive baby and shouldnt care as much. when it was even physical abuse at times.) #and now that line of thinking? just bc it came from me? almost fucking killed my dog. #bc god forbid u take me seriously after ive warned abt multiple things and have been right about like 80% of the time #echoed voice #fuck me i guess my opinion is just so annoying and worthless we can let my dog suffer until theyre just TOO annoyed ig

[vampiiric]

second lowest point in my life was this summer. but my family dragged me out to try new things. it only helped a little then, but now I can look back and appreciate it. everyone needs someone who loves them to the point of making them go tubing on a day they can't breathe from crushing fear and then buying ice cream and pizza together later while laughing over bruises and bad luck.

no matter how hard your day was, or what you're going through, I will play cards with you. it doesn't have to be cards. we can just talk about something you like. you can't change all your pain and struggles in one day, but I can lighten the load for you.

#idk i listened to a song my grandpa showed me onr night #when i wanted to go home #and he told me how he and his sister would sing it together when they visited their parents #i was suffering a lot and i relapsed and i was genuinely suicidal #but i look back now that I'm able to access my help again and i don't see the days long panic attacks or the vomiting in bed #i see the people who looked at me in that state and said 'let me help a little'. 'let's enjoy the time we have'. #i am wishing that all of you have a moment where you look back on now #and see the love