#up since ive been mostly off the last couple days; i apologize for those waiting for me to get back to you :c

[chocoholicannanymous]

If the Spit Hits the Fan (Glee) Pt XVIII

This is the last part of this. Of a story that I was pretty certain I wouldn’t finish and just posted the bit I had in my scraps and snippets tag for a lark. You read that, and you liked it, and your response made me want to try and finish it. And so here we are, ~29k finished fic. 

Thank you for the support.

Follows pt I, pt II, pt III, pt IV, pt V, pt VI, pt VII, pt VIII, pt IX, pt X, pt XI, pt XII, pt XIII, pt XIV, pt XV, pt XVI and pt XVII.

New York is big and loud and filthy and expensive.

Kurt's first apartment had been an absolute rathole. He'd shared it with four others, and his “room” had been a repurposed coatroom. There had been just enough place for a bed and a tiny table instead of a desk. He'd only brought the most necessary in way of clothing, and with the exception of two shirts hanging from a nail in the wall he'd been forced to keep everything in a suitcase under the bed.

He'd moved out after a month, tired of never being able to keep food in the kitchen, weary of the nicks surrounding the lock on his door – he'd replaced the old one day 1, but even the best of locks only went so far – and fed up with having to carry all his valuables with him at all times.

Luckily the Warbler network had activated and Trent's older brother had offered up his guest room (and if that wasn't a sign of wealth, a student in New York with a guest room, then Kurt didn't know what was) for the rest of the year provided Kurt find someplace else to spend the night on those occasions it was needed. During the fall it'd mostly been solved by Sebastian coming to visit and the two sharing a cheap hotel room, and during the fall by Kurt spending the night at Sebastian's apartment. It had been tempting to move in with Sebastian then, but Kurt had resisted and they both agreed they'd become stronger for it.

Living together had been tough, especially since Sebastian had a lot more money available than Kurt. They'd managed to find a balance though and looking back Kurt feels proud of the work they'd put in to make it work. Three years (and counting) together and these days Kurt is willing to proclaim that Sebastian is as much of a perfect boyfriend as it's possible to be.

Yes, New York is still loud and filthy and big, but it's also full of light and laughter and love. Kurt's learned to find his way around both city and school, and he's on track for graduation with excellent prospects. Life is good.

Of course, that kind of means he's overdue for a cold shower and unfortunately it comes as cold and icy as is possible.

“Blaine. I guess I should have known you'd turn up.”

Like a bad penny, Kurt thinks. His ex-boyfriend just smiles wider at the words, clearly not picking up on the undertones.

“Yes! I'll always come back to you, Kurt. We're meant to be – you're my soulmate.”

Kurt shudders. All these years, and he still haven't gotten over his negative reaction to those words.

“Yeah, I'm pretty sure you and I have different interpretations of what those things mean. Personally I can't see how someone who walked out of my life without a word years ago could be considered my 'soulmate', but that's me.”

“That's not fair! I never wanted to leave you, but my parents made me.”

Blaine does this thing with his face that resembles what Kurt remembers of Blaine's “I've apologized, sort of, and you should forgive me now” expression and Kurt thinks that if Blaine could see himself he'd never ever do it again. It's not pretty. It kind of looks like he's about to shit his pants, frankly.

“Right. Your parents. And why, exactly, were they so determined to get you out of Lima without saying goodbye?”

Blaine flinches, and Kurt can see the realization hit him. Strange. It's as if he never even thought about the possibility that Kurt would know about the lies Blaine had told. Emotions run across Blaine's eyes and face, one after the other, and Kurt just waits without even trying to figure out what's going through his ex's mind. He's beyond caring.

“Kurt, I... I, I have a confession to make. When I got home that last night, my parents, they were waiting up for me. They made assumptions, and I, I let them.”

Blaine's face twists, and a couple of tears start falling. Kurt would be touched, really he would, except he happens to know that Blaine can cry on command.

“I know I shouldn't have, I know it was wrong, I was just so afraid! I thought they'd throw me out, and so I kept quiet and did what they wanted. I'm so sorry I did that to you.

“I love you, Kurt!”

The thing is, he can remember when those words from Blaine's lips would make him melt. That's no longer true. Now he listens to them like he would a performance, and he finds them lacking. He should have gone for soft instead of intense, a hint of tears maybe, not volume and anger.

This isn't school though, even though it very much is a performance, nor is it worth critiquing. It's not worth anything, really. Kurt sighs a little, just wanting all of it to be over and Blaine to be gone.

“Here's the thing. I understand, I guess. In your shoes I would have been worried to tell my dad the truth too. I think just about every teenager out there would be at least a little afraid to tell their parents they got drunk and stupid.

“But I also think that just about every teenager out there knows that there's some kind of middle-ground between 'I got drunk and tried to rape my boyfriend' and 'my boyfriend drugged me and tried to rape me'. Except apparently you didn't. You just went with what would get you of the hook the fastest and easiest.”

“Hey! That's not fair!”

“Oh, it isn't? You doing what you did is okay, but me calling it what it was is unfair? Now, why am I not the least bit surprised that that's how you feel?

“You know, at first I didn't understand how you could do it. How you could say you loved me and then not just leave me, but let your parents believe that I would do something like that to you. Well, that you could let anyone think I'd do that to anyone.

“But as I said, I understand why you did it.”

A triumphant look flash up in Blaine's eyes. Oh, he's doing a pretty good job at hiding it – much better than he would have been able to as a teenager – but Kurt knows him, and he's looking for it.

“You threw me under the bus because you knew it'd be an easy out. You could have told your parents something else, anything else, but you chose the worst possible lie – one you had to have known would get me in trouble. You did it because it was easy, and it would get you of the hook – maybe even get you some sympathy instead of the punishment you deserved – and you did it because that was all you cared about. You.

“I always knew you were a bit self-involved, but I told myself it was just part of you being a performer. A healthy ego's pretty much a must, and I used to think that was it. Except it turned out you were so focused on you, and your needs and wants, that nothing else mattered. Certainly not me.

“It took me a while to accept, but I know now that regardless of what you said you didn't love me. Not really. You might have thought you did, but Blaine? Love means that the other person's just as important to you as you yourself are. And I never was that to you.”

He ignores Blaine's protests and just continues, projecting his voice to be heard over the barely restrained excuses and lies.

“The truth is that your lack of empathy and care for other people borders on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and quite frankly I am better off for not having you remain in my life. Just don't expect me to thank you for it though.

“No one else will either. Do you realize how many people you worried with your little disappearing act? There was quite a few at Dalton who were convinced that your parents had shipped you off to conversion camp. They were counting down until your 18th birthday and from what I heard there was even the beginning of a fund to pay your way at Dalton if you escaped and were disowned.”

There's a triumphant gleam in Blaine's eyes. Clearly he's pleased about his friends being so worried about him and so ready to help him out. Kurt just wants to stomp that light out. Violently.

“Then when you didn't resurface after your birthday a few started worrying that your parents had you in a mental hospital, and there was talk of trying to stage some kind of rescue. That only lasted so long, of course.

“You see, somehow it's hard to convince anyone that their friend is practically jailed and in need of a rescue when they're seen out and about clubbing in L.A.. After all, these days everyone carries a phone, so the idea that you were unable to contact someone – anyone – and ask for help went up in flames pretty quick after that.”

Thad had been so angry that he'd made sure every single Dalton student that had ever know Blaine found out, and even the boy's most die-hard supporters had given up then and there.

They'd all understood not wanting to getting into a conflict with your family, especially when said family usually paid for college and any possible trust funds tended to be under the family's control for a while longer. What they hadn't understood was Blaine's total lack of communication. Email telling them that Blaine was okay but under orders not to contact anyone from Ohio would have gone a long way to ease worries, and was, they felt, the very least he owed them.

“Funny thing about you showing up here now? I can't help but remember that you turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. You didn't happen to get access to a trust fund then did you? Not that I actually care, but there are some old bets to settle.”

There wasn't, not really, but enough Warbler had warned Kurt about this very scenario with an added “I bet he shows up afterwards, thinking you'll take him back” for it to not quite be a lie.

Blaine splutters before launching into a long row of “explanations”, one more shitty than the other. It's obvious that he didn't expect Kurt to be angry with him, but instead to be welcomed with open arms. It's even sounding as if Blaine expected Kurt to take him back and just let him slide back into his life as if nothing had happened. Kurt isn't quite sure if Blaine intended for him to move in with Kurt and start a new life in New York, or if the idea was for Kurt to give up everything and follow Blaine back to L.A., but both options are equally ridiculous.

“Stop. Just, stop. I told you, I don't care. If you want to get in touch with any of your old friends from Dalton and McKinley and explain all of it to them, do so. But you don't need to explain anything to me. I don't want to hear it. Your window for explaining yourself to me closed years ago. It closed after you let your parents walk into a police station ready to have me charged with rape.

“Nothing you can say will ever make that okay. Nothing you say can make me forgive you.”

Kurt stops himself and takes a deep breath. There's so much he could say, so many accusations that could be made, so much hatred to be poured out.

Blaine's actions had gotten Kurt into trouble, and could have landed him in jails. They'd been what had stopped Burt Hummel from running from reelection after being asked – while nothing had come from the Andersons' accusations there had still been enough people who had known about it for it to leak and ruin a political career. After all, who cared if it was true when it made for a good weapon? And “local congressman buries son's rape charge” made for a great weapon.

Kurt had been willing to risk it, but his dad hadn't wanted to. Had it leaked the only way to prove Kurt's innocence would have been to make the video of Blaine trying to assault Kurt public. No good parent does that to their kid had been Burt's position, and Kurt had been grateful.

That didn't mean he wasn't aware of exactly how much that had cost not just his dad but the whole state. The man who'd replaced his dad had been the kind of bigot that wasn't good for anyone, not even his followers.

Kurt still blames Blaine for that, and even if he'd been insane enough to consider forgiving everything else he's never forgiving that. The chance of making Blaine understand any of that is minuscule though. The chance of him caring is even less.

There is, simply put, no point in spending even another second on trying to get through to him.

“You're not welcome here. Please leave. Goodbye Blaine.”

Once the door is closed and locked behind Blaine Kurt finally relaxes. He's closing the door on Blaine in more than one way, finally able to truly do that – because regardless of what he's hoped he's always known that one day his former boyfriend would pop up again.

“If he comes back you're filing for a restraining order.”

“He won't come back, Sebastian.”

“You don't know that. He did today, didn't he?”

It's obvious that Sebastian is coming from a place of care and worry, and Kurt feels himself soften. Blaine hasn't just been the monster under Kurt's bed during all of these years.

“Yes, he did, and no, I guess I can't really know. But honey, I really don't think he will. Blaine was reminded today that actions have consequences, and he found out I have the means to ensure said consequences. Coming after me and trying to change my mind is more work than he's ever shown himself willing to put in.

“After all, he's not the kind to stick around when the spit hits the fan.”

Luckily Sebastian is.

~ The end ~

#chocoholic fics #kurt fic #kurt hummel #sebastian smythe #kurtbastian #itshtf

[flymyhp]

Birds to Spellbooks Pt. 3

Pairing: George Weasley x Hufflepuff!reader

Summary: George and y/n spend the Yule Ball together, as friends. At first.

Words: 3,288

Warnings: Muggle song, yikes!! Same as last time, so much fluff it makes me sick. Enjoy!!

A/N: (Weird writing a character in who’s name is hannah when that’s my name) Sorry this has taken so long, ive been dealing with a lot. But here’s the last part! I made it a little longer than the first two as an apology. 

Tags: @wintrrrsoldier

The day of the Yule Ball, y/n was lying in bed staring up at the yellow fabric above the bed. Every other Hufflepuff in her year had already left for breakfast. She couldn’t get her legs to move. Nerves upset her stomach and overcrowded her thoughts. Of course she’d been comfortable around George last night, but being dressed up had her worried that he wouldn’t see her the same as he did last night. She didn’t want him to think any less of her.

Breakfast would be half over by now and she knew people would be asking where she was. Since she was seen with George so often now people had finally stopped teasing her and actually apologized. She had a decent group of friends. That is except for a couple of Slytherins, and a few people from other houses. But it didn’t bother her too much and she now had people that would stick up for her instead of joining in.

George had met her after their classes apart and walked her to her next, and they’d spent the afternoons together. But today was different. She forced her legs to move and set off to her wardrobe to fetch her robes. She sighed and took out her dress she was sent by her parents. An off the shoulder, off white long party gown, with dark gold accents. It fit her well, but her stomach did flips as she looked at it. Would it be enough? 

She put the dress back and grabbed her jumper. Straightening up her tie, she made her way to the great hall. The nerves in her stomach heightened when she saw him sitting at the Gryffindor table. They settled down a bit when she sat down with her friends. 

“Y/n! Finally out of bed, are we?” Cedric Diggory exclaimed, offering her a plate. She took it with a kind smile and picked out a very small breakfast, she wasn’t sure if her stomach would allow her to eat. Cedric gave her a smile and nodded over to Cho. 

“Aren’t you guys nervous?” Y/n started, picking her food apart with her fork. 

“A little bit,” Hannah Abbott started. “I’m mostly just excited, didn't get much sleep last night. I was looking at my gown. I can’t believe we’re having a dance, I thought only muggles got those.” She kept looking over her shoulder at Seamus and giggling.

Y/n couldn’t turn around to look at George. She wasn’t sure if he even knew that she was here yet.

Just then, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to face Ginny standing behind her, smirking. “For you.” She handed her a parcel, attached to it was a note.

Happy Holidays, bird! Decided to wait until the ball to see you, as is tradition. That’s a wedding tradition, but all the same, I didn’t want you to be worried that I don’t come around today so that’s why I sent this. I hope you like it. I’m excited to see you. You don’t have to write back or anything I just wanted to let you know. 

All my love, Georgie.

Her cheeks lit up along with her smile. A little embarrassed, she took the wrapping off of the parcel. Inside she found a flower bud. She picked it up, a faint ringing noise came from it and it shook in her hand. It grew in her palm into a yellow rose. 

“Isn’t it just so cute?” Ginny sat down next to her.

She held the rose in her hand, admiring it. It had also sprouted a pin on the back of it for her dress. Turning her head to find George, his face lit up when their eyes met. She smiled shyly at him and he winked at her. 

Leaning in to make sure no one heard, Ginny began, “I shouldn’t spoil it, but apparently he has something else planned.” Y/n’s heart raced with the same feeling she got when he first asked her, thinking it was a joke. 

“Like what?”

“Well, I didn’t hear all of it, but you won’t be spending the night in your dorm after the ball.” She raised her eyebrows at y/n. Y/n furrowed hers. “That’s all I know, it’ll be wonderful though. I’m going with Neville.”

With a breath of relief, breakfast was over. The rest of the day for Y/n and her friends was spent in the common room, 

“This is going to be perfect!” Hannah clapped from outside the girls dorm, the girls were showing off their gowns for a before-the-ball get together. Y/n was the last to be changed.  She wasn’t as nervous showing her friends as she was seeing George. She opened the door, Hannah and Susan Bones turned to face her. Hannah’s hands went to her mouth and she bounced up and down on her toes, Susan gasped. 

“That’s absolutely gorgeous! That must’ve cost loads!” Susan gushed, feeling the fabric in admiration. 

Y/n looked down. “It’s a hand-me-down. My mother’s.”

“It’s perfect. George won’t be able to stand when he sees you.” Hannah said, a proud smile on her face.

The three linked arms and strutted their way to the common room. The boys began clapping and howling at them jokingly. The girls laughed and unlinked their arms, striking poses.

“Lucky guys, those three are.” Cedric admitted, chuckling and offering them sparkling water. 

The next hour was spent joking around and dancing to music in preparation for the night. With only an hour left, the girls went back to their dorms to do their hair and makeup. 

They all went with a very natural makeup look. Hannah put her hair half up half down, Susan tied hers in a bun with a braid. Y/n let the girls do her hair.

“I’m thinking curls, Susan?” Hannah started. Susan agreed. Y/n prepared herself for whatever they decided looked best. After a long 20 minutes, “Ta-da!” y/n was able to turn herself towards the mirror and look. 

Her hair was curled, the sides pinned in the back with a diamond pin. The last thing y/n had to do was put her rose on her dress. She smiled looking down at it.

The girls didn’t want to be late, so they rushed toward the common room where the guys were waiting to head to the great hall. They all set off in a group. Y/n’s nerves settled in her stomach as they drew nearer. Turning the final corner where everyone was entering, Cedric nodded towards them and joined Cho. Susan also set off to the dance to find Seamus. Hannah and Y/n, with their arms linked, began down the staircase. 

Fred and George were standing with Angelina, who mid-laugh caught y/n’s eye and nudged George with her elbow and nodded up to her. Y/n’s heart raced in her chest, she focused on the steps and Hannah’s arm steadying her. 

“Confidence.” Hannah whispered to her. She watched as George turned to face the stairs and looked up at her, his mouth hung open slightly.

Fred laughed at George’s expression, but George couldn’t take his eyes off of her. “Gorgeous.” She couldn’t hear his whisper. She did her best to keep her eyes off of him, she didn’t want to fall. Or him see how red her cheeks were.

Chin held high as Hannah told her, they stopped at the last step right above the twins and Angelina. George offered his hand to y/n, she bowed slightly and turned her head to Hannah. “Don’t have too much fun.” Hannah said with a wink and went to find Seamus.

Y/n took George’s hand, who kissed it and helped her down the last step. He put his hands on her waist and looked over her face. “Hello, beautiful.” 

“Hello.” She said shyly. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered looking at him. “I like your outfit, Georgie.” She took in his gold vest that he matched with Fred. 

“Thank you, darling. But I must say, it doesn’t compare to you.” His hand found his rose on her dress and he smiled. “Do you like it? The yellow is for friendship, did you know?” 

“It’s beautiful. I didn’t know, but it fits, considering we haven’t made anything official.” She looked down at it.

He unpinned it from her dress. “I know, but I figured tonight would be a good transition.” 

She furrowed her eyebrows slightly at his words. “To what?”

He held it in his hands and smiled. “You should know, at least since last night by the lake.” He waited to see the look on her face. Her eyes lit up slightly, her chest rose faster and she smiled. He covered the rose in his hands, and opened them back up. The rose was a deep red now. 

“George-”

“I’m sure you know, a red rose symbolizes love.” He held the rose in his hand. “But I should ask you formally.” Her eyes grew wider, she didn’t know what to do with herself. She knew at this point that George Weasley loved her. He’d never said it verbally but she knew. “Y/n. Will you be my girlfriend? Officially.”

She nodded before she could get any words out. “Oh George, you know I will.” He pinned the rose back on her dress and cupped her face in his hands, bringing her into a kiss.

When they pulled back, he held his arm out for her to take. They entered the great hall together, where everyone was awaiting the champions and their partners. They stood next to Fred and Angelina.

“You look beautiful, y/n” Angelina leaned over to tell her through the noise of everyone talking. 

“Thank you! You look gorgeous as well.” She gave her a bright smile.

“Finally did it, huh George?” Fred threw at his brother. 

George knocked his shoulder to Freds. “Been waiting a long time, couldn’t pass up the opportunity.” He replied. 

Y/n smiled to herself at their conversation. 

Soft music played over the crowd of students as the champions entered with their partners, arm in arm. Shouts and claps towards the champions grew louder than the music. They were the first to dance as tradition. Harry was the only one who seemed slightly out of place. Y/n felt bad for him, being only fourteen and having his name pulled from the goblet of fire. She knew from the very beginning he didn’t put it in, just based on how he acted when it happened. 

The champions danced first, other couples joined in once some of the professors began dancing. 

“May I have this dance, love?” George asked, offering his hand again.

“Always.” She replied, taking his hand.

He led her closer to the side of the floor. They’d been taught the dance so they didn’t have to worry about not being able to. George had his hand on her waist as they were supposed to, only he was holding her tighter and closer to him than recommended. He couldn’t help it, he wanted her as close to him as possible now that they were together. She didn’t mind in the slightest, she enjoyed it. 

He spinned her and watched her skirt and hair twirl with her, her smile made his heart leap. Lifting her into the air in sync with everyone else, she laughed. Everything was perfect. 

The dance ended and they were left to get drinks or food if they wished, or keep dancing. 

“I need something to drink, and then we can continue.” Y/n started off towards the tables and George caught up to her and grabbed her hand to walk with her.

They met Harry and Ron with their dates, looking dreadful.

“Aren’t you two going to dance?” Y/n asked them, her hand wrapped tightly around George’s arm. 

Harry looked up at her and then to Ron. Ron shook his head. 

“C’mon Ronnie, won't you waltz with me?” George pretended to dance to pick on his little brother. He laughed and y/n pulled on his arm. 

Ron looked threateningly at his brother. “Piss off.”

“Sorry guys, I’ll see you later on.” She gently shoved George off in the direction of the drinks. She leant down slightly to them. “Loosen up guys, it’s a dance. Don’t leave the girls hanging.” She winked to the four of them and started off towards George as the three-excluding ron-gave her a small smile. 

George was standing with Fred as she approached the two of them. He had a cup of water in his hand and a cup of what looked like blue fruit punch in the other, but who knew at Hogwarts. 

“I didn’t know which you’d prefer, so I got you both, I’ll drink whichever you don’t.” He held out the two cups. 

“If I don’t like the blue one can I have the water? If you don’t mind drinking after me.” She asked.

“Not at all, here, love.” He handed the drink to her.

It tasted like raspberries and blueberries, it sparkled under the bright lights. “ It’s wonderful, have you tried it?” 

She handed it to him and he tried it, he decided he’d throw the water away and get more punch. 

“Where’s Angelina?” Y/n asked Fred.

“Gone to the bathroom, should be out soon.” He responded. 

George took a sip of his drink and wrapped an arm around y/n’s waist. “They’re not actually dating, just friends.” 

Y/n stuck out her bottom lip. “Shame, they’re cute together. But I guess we did come as friends to begin with.”

“And we’re definitely cute together.” He chuckled. Angelina came back and the two of them decided to sit for a couple of minutes after the four of them chatted a bit more. “Ready?” George asked y/n.

“Away we go, prince charming.” She laughed and the two of them walked back to the center of the hall to dance. As they got there though, Baby I’m Yours by Arctic Monkeys began playing.

It wasn’t as slow as some of the others, but George held her and spinned her nonetheless. Strangely, he knew every word. Even stranger, he could sing, and he sang to her as he held her close and kissed her. 

“I’ve said this before, but I don’t want this to end, Georgie.” She mumbled into his chest, his hands wrapped tightly around her waist. 

He kissed the top of her head before replying. “I don’t either, bird. And I’ve said this before, but things will be better now. This won’t be the last time I dance with you, and it won’t be the last night we spend together. I’m sure Ginny’s already told you, but we aren’t going back to the dorms, me and you.” 

“Is it a surprise, or can I know now?” She lifted her head up to look at him. 

He kissed her and replied, “Surprise.” 

She smiled and grabbed his hands as they swayed. He lifted his arm and spun her once more. The night went on and they continued to dance, barely stopping. When most everyone had cleared out they were in the back still swaying to the last slow songs.

“I don’t want to be kicked out, so I think we should go.” George started, that wasn’t the biggest reason though. He was mostly excited for the rest of the night. 

They led themselves out of the great hall, they didn’t want to leave but George firmly believed that their next destination would be even better. 

He helped her up the staircases, leading her to what looked like the highest point of the castle. Thankfully, the staff was still in the great hall supervising the remaining students. 

“The astronomy tower?” She gazed at the view as they made it up to the very top.

“You can see the lake from here, too. I saw how you looked out into it.” He told her, leading her to the edge.

Her eyes couldn’t decide what to focus on, they landed up at the stars. “It’s absolutely perfect.” 

He watched her as she watched the sky, admiring every feature she possessed. “You’re absolutely perfect.” 

“That makes two of us.” Her hand on her chin, she gave him a grin. They stood like that for a little while longer until she broke the silence. “George?”

He didn’t care that she knew he was staring at her, he felt comfortable around her. “Love?”

“I’d like that confession now.”

Finally, his head hung slightly and his cheeks glowed in the moonlight. His hair covered his eyes slightly, so she moved it from his face and brought his chin up to look at her. 

“I was hoping you’d want to hear it, I’ve been dying keeping it from you.” He began. “For years, and especially recently, thoughts of you play in my head. Over and over, from holding you, to kissing you, to nights like these. I’ve beat myself up over you for so long and now I have you. It’s hard to wrap my head around.” Her eyes got lost in his and his voice. “I’ve never felt like this. And I believe you’re the only person I’ll ever feel this way about. I don’t care that we’re seventeen, we’re young and stupid, but you’re my person. I pray you always will be. I’ll do everything in my power to keep you, and to keep you safe and happy. You do enough to make me happy just by smiling. It lights every part of me up and my heart can’t take it. This past month, you’ve been everything to me, you’ve kept my world turning and you always will, darling.” He paused for a moment. “And,” His hand went to his pocket. “I have something else for you.” 

She was, once again, rendered speechless. She couldn’t find the words to say. 

Out of his pocket, he pulled a necklace. A copper chain with a ‘G’ charm. 

“It’s not exactly a promise ring, but we can call it a promise necklace.” He held it in his hand in front of her. “I hope it’s not too soon. I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you smile. Even if it wasn’t because of me. I hope from now on it will be.” 

All she could do was look from the necklace to him. Once she took everything in, she reached up to his face and kissed him, with everything she had she poured her heart into it as he had just done. 

“You are everything to me in this moment, George, since last night, you’re the only thing I’ve wanted. You’re right, darling, you were right last night. Things will be better. On my darkest days, you’ll be my light. On the best days it will be because of you. It’s soon for all of this, of course. It’s sudden, but that’s why it’s called falling. I fell in love with you last night, George. When I smile, it’s because of you.” She picked the necklace up from his palm, and looked at the ‘G’. 

He moved her hair out of the way and hooked the chain around her neck. 

“Even better.” He smiled at her. “I can’t wait for the rest of my life, as long as you’re in it.” 

She agreed, grabbing his hands and putting them around her and placed her head on his chest with tears in her eyes. Now she knew what above the bare minimum was, George had set the bar higher than she knew to be possible. He’d never settle for anything less and neither would she. 

#harry potter #harry potter imagines #hp #hp imagine #weasley twins #fred and george #george weasley #george weasley imagine #george wealsey x reader #george weasley x you #hufflepuff #gryffindor #yule ball #gred and forge

[animegenork]

Fruits Basket Season 2, Episode 19

We are officially giving Tohru a round of applause this week.

Okay but in all seriousness let’s dive right in

I love what this episode brought to us, especially since we only just got to dive into Rin’s psyche a bit last week.

We start off with Tohru being classic Tohru and showing major concern for Rin, who is mostly trying to get the hell out of there before something happens. She specifically says she doesn’t want to get close to Tohru, which is explained better later on in the episode.

As a side scene, Shigure explains to Hatori what Rin is trying to do, which is, of course, break the zodiac curse. They both say that this is absurd, BUT! interestingly enough, Shigure makes a very intriguing statement. He says, “Do you hear that? The sound of breaking.” In a way, this gives Shigure a bit of a mastermind-y edge, which we see throughout the series. But this also shows off more of Shigure’s eagle eye perception, which I know I keep harping on in these posts. In some strange way, Shigure has wanted all of this to happen, and because things are sort of escalating, we get to consistently see this side of Shigure more, for better or for worse.

Anyway, back to Rin. We see a conversation with her and Haru in which Haru refers to Tohru as kind. Rin points out that Haru is also kind, followed by the thought, “I feel sorry for kind people.” We see a little bit later that she feels this way because she doesn’t want people like Tohru and Haru to get taken advantage of. For whatever reason, Rin thinks she is the type of person to do just that, although she does, in fact, love Haru. Naturally, neither Tohru nor Haru would ever think she was taking advantage of them, but that just goes to show how deeply affected Rin is by the events of her past.

This is true for everyone in the zodiac, in fact. They are so deeply affected by everything that has happened to them and around them, that they believe without a doubt they are inherently flawed beyond repair.

What we also see is the first time Rin saw Tohru before her first official anime appearance. She describes that seeing Tohru made her feel the impulse to hug Tohru and lay her head on her lap, which, in case you didn’t pick up on it, is a very instinctual reaction daughters have with mothers (most of the time). This reaction comes to a head a little later on.

During a moment in which Tohru checks up on Rin, the Horse demans that Tohru stop trying to break the curse. For the first time, we see a bit of anger (though it’s not true anger - more like determination) from Tohru as she insists that she won’t stop. She points out that just like Rin, she has precious things (people) she doesn’t want to lose, and so she will keep trying for their sake. This is the first time we hear Tohru raise her voice in this specific manner, hence why Kyo and Yuki are immediately alerted/disturbed to the argument (that wasn’t exactly an argument). This says a lot about Tohru; in general, she’s not much for raising her voice or being angry, but her conviction in this case is so strong the only way to get her point across is by doing those two things.

Rin ends up running away, but she doesn’t make it far. She reflects on how alone she’s been in her search for the way to break the curse, and she’s handled this burden on her own thinking she’d be fine. However, at this point she realizes that she can’t do this on her own, despite having pushed everyone away and purposely making them hate her. This is probably why her first response to Tohru appearing behind her is to hug her and say “Sorry.” (I can’t be sure if she actually said it, though, based on her quiet tone, but oh well.)

Bonding moment achieved.

For my friends who have not had the pleasure of reading the manga: Yuki’s comment about he and Rin having something in common comes into play later. I hope you took note of that, hehe. ;)

(I CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT EPISODE ;ADSJLFJASD;LFAJ)

I could get into the nuances of Haru getting attacked by Rin and her IV or Kakeru being an absolute cutie pie or even Ayame’s too-brief cameo via flashback. However, those scenes were pretty straightforward, and so I’ll leave them alone.

When Tohru goes to visit Rin for a second time at the hospital, Rin suspects she has the ulterior motive of talking about the curse. Tohru, however, had only one thing in mind: bringing Rin some jello.

Have I mentioned how much I love Tohru?

That funny bit aside, the two girls have a serious conversation about the curse. Tohru learns that Akito’s role as “god” is only part of the curse itself - she says the “bond” between “god” and the animals is the curse itself. Rin points out that the zodiac spirits themselves remember this bond, but the family itself is unclear on why this bond is so important. This will make their efforts to break the curse a little harder.

Tohru wants to ask Kureno, and she gets all fired up to do so, but Rin holds her back. When it was just her trying to break the curse, she was willing to put herself in danger. With Tohru involved, that’s not an option. This really speaks to how much their budding friendship affects them both, and it’s a really sweet realization.

Now, the most interesting part of the episode comes in the form of a seemingly innocent question. Rin asks Tohru “What is most precious to you?” Us viewers expect Tohru to give her mother as an answer, but instead, she freezes. We won’t get to see the exact reason, though there are some hints throughout the past couple weeks as to what Tohru’s confusion is.

That night, Tohru has a nightmare about the day her mother died. Meanwhile, Rin reflects on their interaction and silently wishes that Tohru finds someone like Haru to open the “closed door” in her heart. Though Tohru wears her heart on her sleeve, there are some things we don’t see from her, as evidenced by the memory she returns to of the time after her father’s death (that is, her mother disappearing for a while).

And with that, friends, I leave you with one of the closing lines of the episode:

“Because someone who knows how scary it is to be alone... can’t help but love others.”

Is this a summation of Tohru’s great love for everyone she meets? Perhaps. Or maybe it’s one of the many themes Takaya wishes to drive home in us.

I can’t say what we’re getting next week. I couldn’t for the life of me recognize the voice, although now that I think about it, I have my suspicions. And they involve a certain kitty.

See you all next week!

[This isn’t as concise as it could’ve been do to a moment of carelessness in which all of my progress on this post was lost. My apologies ;-; ]

#fruits basket #furuba #fruits basket spoilers #isuzu sohma #rin sohma #tohru honda #i keep having moments where i post these and then realize i forgot something #but anyway sorry this is so late friends #some of my progress actually got erased so oops #i don't know if anyone regularly reads these but thanks for your support

[01010010-posts]

— our love is a starred staircase; i jump two steps at time but you can only go one by one.

i. → becoming human. “and this is hen.” “mhh, very interesting.” “.... i hate you.” he unwillingly cracks up, slightly turning to the other side because, honestly, he’s not that bastard (maybe) “sorry–” he bites his lips, not wanting to be exposed, gosh, he really is such a bastard “it’s just that– well, how do i put it.... learning a new language from scratch, without any download, it actually is difficult.” there is it again, that devilish sneer “i swear to god, love” “okay, okay. i’ll say it. but please don’t be mad. it’s your handwriting. it’s hard to read. it’s so ugly you could be a doctor.” he’s doing his best, he vows, but since being deviant his sense of humour has highly been affected. you lose no time in emerging onto his jolly demeanor and begin smacking him “you’re not being fair! ouch– please! you promised to not get angry!” he refuges his hair behind his knuckles, while still enjoying taunting you “i’ve spent the past hour memorizing things with you and that’s how you repay me! and i didn’t promise that!” he lets you tease him for too little, and without even realizing it you’re in his grasp, frozen, sweetly pouting, a mouth that he kisses “you’re right, here’s your reward, teacher.” “did you at least learn something?” “ohh, yes, a wonderful lot. i learnt how to kiss you here, here, and here.” and saying that he follows his preaching, teaching you where he adores to leave lovebites. ii. → pieces of you between the pages. it’s not his fault. sometimes night shifts happen. but he hates them abysmally. why? because, as much as he gets bored when you’re sleeping, he can’t help but worship those endless hours he has available, basking in the lone presence of your body, recording each minute thing, with such limited time on this earth, then, he.... but tonight is a little different. he phoned you for a while (you had to force him to hang up), assured that you finished eating at a normal pace, didn’t steal too many snacks from the cupboard, watched something nice and got to bed at a reasonable hour. yes. he’s not your mom but he likes to remind you that his way of loving is varied. of course, soft words and i love yous and invisible smooching were not absent at the roll-call. he’s not only your mom after all. ahh, almost forgot. this is just routine. the deviant thing tonight is: a book. your book. your favourite book. you probably forgot it in his bag. but it’s not very important right now. he picks it up, the spine slightly visible from the black fabric incorporating it. it’s an ordinary book. he sits, and since he’s kinda alone, nobody prevents him from propping his long legs on his desk, relaxing in his leather ergonomic chair. reading a bit won’t hurt. the content, the plot, it’s not really important. what he’s actually reading is: your underlined parts. you normally don’t do that, you said one time. it ruins the paper, you said. yet in this one, this one, so important to you, you used graphite pencil to emphasize. mostly, about love. iii. → doing nothing. “i won’t stand for this!” he huffs in a bit of what appears to be the middle of an angry and annoyed tone. his arms hurriedly coming into a fold around his chest, he doesn’t really know how to react. you try to hide your benevolent smirk, an android this cute shouldn’t exist “why? you’re already doing it.” “that’s– that’s because it was your turn to choose what we should be doing this evening.” “so you’re peacefully protesting?” you urge him, now holding back snorting is almost impossible “.... kinda.” and at this point you’re nearly choking on your own laugh “you’re making fun of me?!” he finishes his retort and darts, indignant, sitting upright on the couch. so so so sorry but you have to cover your face with your digits and turn towards the other side because, honestly, you’re not that bastard as to burst into laughter in front of him (maybe) “gosh– it’s– it’s– pfft– i apologize i’m– ahahAHAHA NO PLEASE NO!” while you were, indeed, mocking him you lowered your guard and him, a weapon, took that as his advantage “PLEASE BABY” “ohh, we’re begging before i even get serious? my my, you’re quite weak.” his fingers carefully threading between your ribs, stroking your skin in a delicate manoeuvring until he’s satisfied with his revenge “you’re terrible.” he grins, both short of breath from being such imbeciles “i am.” he gently lowers down your crouched shape, half on the sofa the rest on the floor, and kisses your reluctant cheek “what’s the plan, then?” “don’t think i’ve changed my mind. i don’t want to do anything. i want to continue until i reach absolute zero.” iv. → your things // your place. he doesn’t need to shower, nor to bathe, and if he indulges in those activities it’s just to bond, he assures you. but suddenly it’s not so credible when you, wanting to surprise him, come back to your place without telling, sneakily unlock the threshold and tiptoe to search for him to no avail. you’re about to open your mouth and shout, to see some sort of shocked reaction, maybe a jump from the scare, but he’s not in the living room. and not in the compact kitchen. and not in the bedroom either. then, where could he be? you silently ponder, a tap of your shoe asking if he left to go shopping. but you know, the fridge is not that empty. could he be....? without letting out a sound you enter the bathroom, certainly not expecting the sight that presents to you. a single curtain separating you from his shadow. of course, you can’t resist the call. with a swift movement you pull the nylon and expose him, who can’t help but nervously shriek in distress “ah! what the fuck!” you cackle “surprise!” he sighs, exasperated by your childish behaviour, and turns off the water “is that my.... body wash?” your attention shifts rapidly, taking in the image of his fully naked anatomy but pointing an index at his palms “what–” he halts mid-sentence, his cyan eyes darting to his fingers “oh, well, huh–” “you’re using my body wash.” “i can explain.” “you always say you’re too upgraded for bubbles.” “.... my phrasing is not exactly that however i was just– curious.” “to try my body wash.” “yes. to try your pink velvet sunflower body wash.” “wait. how do you know the exact name. suspicious.” if his forehead wasn’t already shimmering from the droplets of your interruption he would be drenched in cold sweat “.... i analyzed it.” “you fucking ate shower gel.” “in my defense–” v. → what do you do when you’re happy. he longs for moments like these. for when you both come home, him entangling his arms around your waist as soon as the door closes, leaving a trail of tiny pecks from your shoulder to your lobe, slow as a snail, savouring each millimeter of skin, each little relaxed spasm your muscles have, each complaint you attempt to address to his figure, each tender giggle escapes your mouth. he longs for moments like these. the same as when your shared friends send a text at the last minute, asking if it’s okay to come over and then maybe go somewhere, drinking or eating doesn’t really matter, it’s just to be together. and you sweetly smile, a bit tired after work, but still willing to say ‘yes’, serene in the comfort of not even having the need to change into fancy clothes, only bustling with secret excitement, waiting to be in stitches in the back of a non-automatic car. he longs for moments like these. as that time you both got a couple days off and decided to spend them in a countryside house, clutched by vines of different species: virginia creeper, common ivy and climbing magenta roses. and as soon as the door closed you rushed, gliding on the worn burnt sienna cotto tiles, up the old rusty stone stairs, reached the top and opened the small cabin, only occupied by a toilet and a small painting (‘in bed’ by federico zandomeneghi. a girl with long auburn hair, facing a floral wallpaper, resting in a tranquil atmosphere while stretched out in her bed under light blue covers.). you promptly proceeded to push the wood window frame, letting light invade the whole space. he was right beside you as your head stuck out, inhaling the fresh air and remaining speechless in front of the sun, the sky, the clouds, the as much red roofs interspersed with yellow lichens and green moss, the rest of the panorama composed by infinite sweeps of earthy fields. he longs for moments like these. vi. → our things // our place. “don’t forget to brush your teeth.” he whispers from behind you, his face reflected on the mirror in which you’re admiring yourself in search of some imperfections. you absentmindedly chuckle “i know” your eyes fixated low, watching the drain of the pale china sink. logically, the most convenient way of getting the toothpaste to exit the tube, is to squeeze from the end and let it come out on its own. of course, he noticed, you don’t do that. you, as if reading his mind while he’s standing close, watching and mimicking a human nightly routine, do the complete opposite of what he’s thinking, pressing your thumb at the very start of the mixed aluminium-and-plastic bottle you’re holding. a tiny bubble forms where the cap should be and you hint a smile. infos bothering his vision at the corner of his irises: it’s some internet articles about teeth blackening, mostly persistent in asia. it’s somewhat fascinating to him, or at least, it’s different from the constant obsession with lightening. he wonders what you would think about it. he wonders if you even know about it. white gel slowly fills your tongue and coats the ends of your lips. you’re kinda messy, he admits, but finds it utterly adorable nevertheless. vii. → dying human. your hand. your hand is what kept him alive for so long. because, despite his appearance, he’s as old as an adult can be at this time of your life. your life. two parallels tracks that never meet, going their way, wanting to touch but never able to. you, growing old. him, growing and nothing more. because he can’t be old, can’t he. he will never be old. he must be about.... no, that’s stupid. no hypothesis could change anything. it doesn’t matter which numbers he should have in his ID – not that androids have any in the first place –, what matters is the inequity of your age “you’re always beautiful” you murmur “mh? look who’s talking” the end of your mouth curls up in a childish smile, wrinkles adorning all of your features “flatterer. i could be one of your grandparents for all you know” he gives you a lazy expression, lids half closed, nevertheless content, a bittersweet happiness. he takes your right hand in his and draws it near his cheek “it’s rough, c’mon” you’re a bit ashamed but he lets the warm rays of sunshine glimmer onto him, eyes slowly leaving space to complete relaxation “no, it’s tender, don’t worry, just as you.”

#i feel like this is the end of something #DBH #dbh connor #RK900 x reader #RK800-60 x reader #connor x reader #dbh connor x reader #dbh RK900 x reader #dbh RK800-60 x reader #dbh RK800 #dbh RK800-60 #dbh RK900 #dbh RK800 x reader #RK800 x reader #connor #RK900 #RK800 #RK800-60 #dbh nines #nines #nines x reader #dbh nines x reader #detroit become human #androids #dbh imagine #roman number fic thing

[fyrapartnersearch]

Partner search!

Hello all! I’m looking for a skilled, experienced 1x1 partner or two for a Discord roleplay. I have a few particular plots, though please feel free to come with your own ideas. Please read to the end as there is a password I won't answer messages without.

•General/Writing Style•

I usually prefer sticking at around 4 paragraphs and up, but quality over quantity for the most part. If you usually write 3 paragraphs or less, it'll be hard for me to stay interested, however. I would prefer you write in 3rd person, past tense. Please have decent grammar and spelling, varied vocabulary and sentence structure, as well as decent syntax. Please provide me something of substance to respond to in your responses. Please also be somewhat experienced.

•Age•

18+ only, but 21+ preferred (I'm 23)

•Timezone•

Mine is EST. I do not mind what timezone you're in.

•Response Frequency•

I'd prefer if you could respond at least once a week. I'm a pretty busy student can't definitely commit to much more than that, so I won't ask that of you. Please try to communicate when you will be gone or significantly less active for several weeks or more. I will try to do the same.I'm a bit less lenient with this when we're still doing introductions, so if we've barely said hello but a few days pass and I hear nothing, I'll assume you're no longer interested or never were in the first place and close our discussion. You are free to assume the same of me.

•Genre•

I'm a sucker for Romantic Slice-of-life with a healthy dose of drama and angst, but I do like to weave other genres in there too such as Supernatural, Mystery, Action, and Adventure. I'm really open to most things if the plot interests me.

•Gender and Romantic Preference•

I strongly prefer playing a female main outside of MxM. Beyond that, I am open to MxF, FxF, and MxM . Currently, I'm mostly in the mood for an MxF or possibly F//. My apologies, but please note I do not play male in MxF unless we have roleplayed other pairings together before and have highly compatible writing styles. I rarely double up.I do not engage in dichotomy personality dynamics(ie- dom/sub, ABO, top/bottom) and like pairings to be close to even as possible in contributions to the relationship. If a scene gets intimate, I'd prefer we fade to black.

•Plots/Creativity•

The plots I’m looking to do atm are listed below. Despite this, you're more than welcome to share plots of your own. I'd prefer it if you are open to brainstorming plot points and bouncing ideas off each other too- let's keep this interesting for both of us so it stays alive.

•OCs•

I would prefer not to roleplay with OCs that are excessively shy, Mary-Sues, or OP. Additionally, please ensure your own OC does not monopolize the plot with their own issues and background. Let's share the spotlight.I tend to play multiple characters and would prefer if you did too.Please do not control my main OC or any named side characters I introduce. It can really mess with my plans with them if you suddenly auto-kill out of nowhere or something... If necessary, I may permit you to control a side character of mine, but please run it by me first. Communication is key.

•Platform•

Discord is strongly preferred. I can potentially be convinced to use kik, tumblr, or line.

•Fandoms•

I am willing to roleplay within the universe of several fandoms, but please note I do not roleplay as canon characters and would prefer not to roleplay with canon characters either. Please recall that I am more than happy to do original plots too if you aren't into any of these.-Corpse Party**-Black Mirror-Death Note-Avatar The Last Airbender*-Downton Abbey-Call The Midwife*-Dragon Quest(IV-IX)***-Miraculous Ladybug****(I'd love to delve into the more subtle, darker elements like the consequences of a broken miraculous and time travel)-Fruits Basket**-Soul Eater*-The Hunger Games-Harry Potter(The number of * indicates craving)

•Original Plots•

(Muse I would like to play is bolded. If neither are bolded, I can do either. All of these are open to brainstorming and tweaking!)

Muse A was born into a society where ‘falling in love’ is not a thing. Sure, it’s written in about fairy tales and even history texts, but most Readers laugh it off as a silly, archaic concept. All couples are formed by reading Cerebral wavelengths, stats that are unique to every individual. Every person has a single match and are paired with that person permanently when they come of age. No trades, no take-backs. Muse B, though born into the regular world, doesn’t believe in love either. Perhaps it was the plight of their parents, or that one nasty breakup. Perhaps it was the sight of all the couples around who’d be lovey-dovey one week, but strangers the next. Whatever it is, they don’t buy it. That suits Muse A just fine- their Cerebral wavelengths not only don’t match, they bang together in a cacophony. Why is it then that these two begin experiencing an undeniable pull to each other?

One night, Muse A is taking their usual jog through the park when they trip right over Muse B tying their shoe. Cliche start is cliche, I know, but stay with me here. After some initial awkwardness, the two hit it off quite well. Flash forward a week or so and the pair are starting school in the same class, Muse A as one of the typical debutants, and Muse B a lucky upstart on a basketball scholarship. Muse B had high hopes for where things’ll go…only to find out Muse A has a boyfriend, who happens to be Muse B’s nemesis on the courts. Whoops. But something’s really off with the couple. As in the boy is downright awful, and it isn’t just the rivalry talking. Yet Muse A refuses to leave him…why is that?

(This is an older one of mine, but I’ve recently kinda been in the mood to start it up again.) Marianoh’s Culinary Institute is the most renowned school for culinary arts in the country. Any who truly wish to be a master chef would be foolish not to attend. Unless they don’t have the means- the tuition is insanely high. Muse A is part of the lucky few of humble beginnings that has been selected to attend via scholarship. They couldn’t be more excited. Muse B, on the other hand, comes from a family of celebrity chefs. Their spot at Marianoh’s was confirmed before birth. Yet, somehow, they don’t share Muse A’s joy. Far from it, actually. What happens when the two are partnered up for the year?

(A brand new one definitely open to suggestions) St. Cornelius’ Academy(or University) is an academic institution reserved only for those of royal or noble background as well as their future servants, attendants, and body guards. Students of the academy hail from kingdoms where individuals are born gifted with control over the 8 elements- light, wind, flame, flora, lightening(tech), water, earth, and darkness. Students are divided based on status into ‘Golds,’ ‘Greys,’ and ‘ The ‘Gold’ category includes all royalty and nobility aside from viscounts and barons of low birth. The ‘Gray’ category includes future ladies and men in waiting, other servants, attendants, and body guards. Students are instructed in all areas in order to best prepare them for their future roles from political science to etiquette to combat. Given the wealth of a portion of the student body, the campus is a vivacious display of luxury, featuring lavish gardens, seemingly endless grounds, state-of-the-art learning facilities, and even an expansive kitchen headed by a world renowned 31 star chef. Currently, I have three potential pairings in mind for this set-up.

-Muse A is a new lady in waiting assigned to a spoilt, catty Duchess of Aquaria(Water Kingdom). Catering to the every whim of the young princess-to-be is exhausting, but her goal of reaching far greater heights than her questionable background merits keeps her going. What faster way to do that than catching the eye of Muse B, the princess’ bethrothed and crown Prince of Aquaria using abilities bequeathed to her by her merpeople ancestry? The lines between acting and reality are prone to blurring, however and actual feelings soon begin to muddle her plans. Muse B isn’t as unaware as he first seems either..

-Muse A is the somewhat naive prince of Angion(Flora), unsure of his future. He’s distant from his fiancée, Muse B a cold, proud Marchioness of the same kingdom, and his closest confident is one of his newest body guards, Muse C. Little does he know, that Muse C has quite the secret- she’s truly a girl whose taken on her brothers identity to serve. What will happen when all comes into the open?

5. Muse A has always been at the top of their class since early elementary and thrived on it. They come from a family of high achievers where failure is neither seen nor accepted. Proud and arrogant over their achievements, their grades make them, them. All that changed when Muse B showed up, smashing the entrance exams with marks unheard of. Of course Muse A wouldn’t take that lying down, thus, the classic rivalry begins. What happens when the two find they have more in common than they thought? Life on Muse B’s side is not all it seems as well.

Contact Instructions: Please message me here on tumblr  (https://lisanimelis.tumblr.com/) with your favorite color and a writing sample. If all goes well there, we'll move to discord. 

#oc rp #multiple paragraph #long term #messenger #submission

[mattschues]

Harder to Breathe || MEvan

Tagging: Matt Schuester and Evan Williams When: Saturday night Where: Matt’s house Notes: Evan talks to Matt about what’s on his mind.

Matt

Matt grabbed a couple slices of pizza and tossed them onto a plate. After a quick trip to the fridge he hauled the six pack over and set it on the coffee table. He knew Evan been going through things, the guy allowing a glimpse into that not too long ago in their texts and he figured they may talk a little more about it; hence the hanging around at the house and way from the public. "Want a beer?" He asked as he dropped onto the sofa with his plate. Matt reached over and plucked a bottle from the pack and popped the top off with a bottle opener. It'd been a long day and his body was somewhat sore from the football game earlier in the day. It was fun, though. It was always good to get out and play with friends.

Evan

Evan wasn’t very hungry, it came with being sad, the loss of appetite and all of it. I’m all honestly it felt hard for him to be there. Sure, maybe a couple days ago he wanted to talk about it but he was allowed to change his mind, right? Matt was a nice guy, he’d understand. Anxiety bubbles up in his stomach as he waits for the older man to bring up their previous conversation and the bite of pizza he takes drops in like a bomb. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to be eating. If anything, he felt nauseous. He didn’t want beer. He shakes his head and puts the slice of pizza back on his plate, using a handful of napkins to clean the grease from his fingers. His hands then start digging into his jeans. He’s obviously nervous.

Matt

Matt chews a bite slowly and goes to wash it down after Evan declined a drink. He isn’t exactly known for prying. God knows he has his own things he wants to keep under lock and key. “Did you have to go into work today?” The weekends are the only times he doesn’t go into the coffee shop since those are his off days from the station. “We had this football game earlier. One of this girls vs. guys thing. The girls kicked out asses but it was all in good fun.” He chuckles at this and takes another bite. Between that and his time with Blaine he feels completely ravenous.

Evan

Evan shakes his head softly. In all honesty he was a bit hungover still. He had spent most of his Friday night drinking. At one point he didn’t even remember why he had begun in the first place. “That sounds fun.” He replies in the softest voice. He knows Matt won’t push him to say anything and Evan almost feels guilty taking up his time. He also needs to say something. Say what he needs to, out loud. “I’m confused.” He tells him hesitantly, his lip starting to quiver a bit.

Matt

One slice was gone after a few bites and Matt went to town on the next one. Not that he’s pigging out but there’s a solid change he’ll demolish at least one of the pizzas on his own. Matt set the plate on his knee and takes a long pull from his beer before he leans back on the couch and gives Evan a look over. That feeling returns. Something’s definitely on his mind. Matt licks his lips and places his bottle on the table with his plate. “What about?” He asks, leaning forward to show Evan he’s completely there.

Evan

Evan looks away from Matt. He felt embarrassed and guilty and scared. And he hadn’t even told Matt what was going on yet.  “Everything?” He lets out hesitantly. He shakes his head and wipes his face with his hand.  “I-.... I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. What I like. I just...-“

Matt

Matt’s features soften at this and his heart went out to the guy. He knew he’s lucky when it comes to figuring out what drives him at a young age. Did that mean he has complete confidence he made the right call? Hell fucking no. “You’ve gone through all those years working and taking care of your mom. Looking after her and making sure she’s okay. It’s not like you had a whole lot of time to focus on you.” Matt remembers what Evan said, feeling that anger about his father threaten to surface. “Did something happen to get you feeling the weight of this this week?”

Evan

Evan sighed, he hated being emotional, especially around other people , but he felt safe with Matt. “I...Ive developed feelings for Blaine that I’ve never really had for a guy before? Fuck. I’m sorry.” He pauses and wipes his eyes that he can feel begin to tear up. “I know, I know you guys are a thing and I’m not here to break whatever you two have... I’m just, I’m confused. I’ve always liked girls. Always. And I never really had second thoughts about that. But then Blaine comes along and then staying with you and your stupid shirtless body, and I’m having all these feeling that I’ve never felt before and I mean, I’ve never even kissed a guy before. And I’m just like hoping this will blow over for me and maybe it’s just my age but I’m like really fucking horny all the time, especially when it comes to guys and it’s driving me crazy cause I keep thinking about what my dad would say to me and I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. I care too much. I just don’t know what to do, I just...” Evan can’t seem to stop rambling, his breathing even becoming more staggered, it was almost comedic, but he was in emotional pain.

Matt

There's a lot to unpack here and Matt stares at Evan, mostly to make sure he's finished speaking. Matt presses his lips together and nods slowly before he reaches out and places a hand on Evan's knee. "Hey. Just take a minute to breathe, okay? You don't have to unload everything you're feeling all in one breath but this is a good start." He squeezes his knee and pulls back and tries to think of what to focus on first. "Your dad bailed on you and your mom. He was a piece of shit and as much as I wish it's easy to forget things that leave a mark on us. I know it's not. He's not in your life. He hasn't been since you were twelve. He's not going to come around and talk shit about the people you're into. And even if he did resurface, so what? But coming to terms with yourself, recognizing your self worth and getting a better understanding of who you're attracted to. That can go a long way and can help you figure out where you want to go in life. You talked before about liking girls and now with Blaine, who I get. It's hard to not crush on the guy since he's basically America's sweetheart. That doesn't mean you're some awful person or you're doing anything wrong with finding him or my hot self attractive. Just means you're into guys and girls. You can be bi or pan. Or anything else. Hell you can just not go by labels which I tend to opt for but we live in a world where people need that for some reason." Matt quiets a moment and hopes he's saying the right things.

Evan

Evan flinches as he felt the man touch his knee. Thoughts of his dad rushing into his head of all the physical interactions and fights they’d been in. He looks at Matt and you can see the slight panic in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to flinch.” Evan apologizes. He listens to what the man has to say as he takes in deep breaths to try and soothe himself.  “What if it’s all in my head? What if I don’t even like guys? I mean I’ve never kissed a guy or even done anything remotely sexual with a guy. What if I’m not bi or whatever else you said?” He pauses. “I just don’t want to put myself out there like that and then regret everything.”

Matt

"Then if you don't feel anything about it then you don't. You don't have to put yourself out there. You can be at a club or chat up a guy and see where it leads." There is a passing thought to lay a big smooch on his lips, just so he can have his first guy kiss, but Matt knows that it's bette for Evan to share that with someone who will want to more. There's also Blaine and he is so fucking head over heels for the guy he'd not do anything to hurt what they have going. "I knew I liked girls. Just like you. That was always known. Sure, there were some guys I felt something for but it wasn't until high school when I took that big step and kissed one. Then dated. People thought it was kind of weird but people will always have their opinions." Though he knows there are people just like Evan's dad, and worse, who want to hurt you for being yourself. "And maybe one guy doesn't do it for you, but it doesn't mean there won't that'll sweep you off your feet. Because sometimes those moments come when you least expect it. You could be having the most awful night and morning and just see a guy, or girl, and it's as if you're hit by a bus. But in a good way. Because life is unpredictable like that." Matt went quiet for a couple moments and an idea came to mind. "What if we go out to a bar or club? It can be just us or we can ask if Blaine wants to join in. Just go and cut loose. Maybe you'll find someone who you're into. Guy or girl. And see what happens."

Evan

Evans anxiety just kept building and he wasn’t feeling any better about anything. He knew Matt was trying to help but Evan wasn’t feeling up for it. He shook his head. “No, not my scene.” He replied to Matt. He left the unfinished slice and plate on the table and stood stood up from the sofa, a hand running through his hair. “I think I’m just gonna go.” He shrugged sadly. “I- uhm. I appreciate you listening to me.” He told him as he went to grab his coat.

Matt

There isn't a whole lot Matt can do at this point. Not when it feels like Evan wanted either some space or didn't like what he said? "Yeah, sure." he says as he moves to his feet and heads to the front of his house. "And it's cool it's not your scene. I don't know a whole lot when it comes to what you're into since we've been basically two ships passing in the night on the days you do sleep over." Matt's hand goes to the lock and turns it. "You plan to come back tonight or you staying somewhere else?"

Evan

Evan stayed silent, he felt like if he spoke he might start crying, but he didn’t want to cry in front of Matt. That’s the last thing he wanted. He didn’t want to look weak and helpless even though that’s how he felt. He shook his head as he finished buttoning up his coat. “I’m not coming back.” He whispered to confirm. Sure his apartment was cold but he’d live. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be staying at Matt’s anymore and it had nothing to do with Matt. It was all on Evan. It was his personal struggle and stubbornness.

Matt

Now this did cause to blink in surprise and he asks, "Why aren't you coming back. I thought with how thing are with the messed up heater you were going to keep here. At least until you find a new place." He knows better than to tug at the thread but the whispering and how it seems he can't get a good read on the guy; it's hard for Matt to not pry.

Evan

Evan wasn’t used to be taken care of. he wasn’t used to being thought of or anyone caring about what he did or if he would be okay. Maybe his mother tried to some degree but it was always him that did the caring for and held himself together. Just the thought that someone else cared enough to pry was overwhelming for him. Being and living at Matt’s house was overwhelming for Evan. The fact that he even cared where Evan slept was overwhelming. He knew Matt cared to some degree, but what if at some point he stopped? Evan couldn’t go through that. He takes a short shaken breath and he can’t look Matt in the eyes because he knows he’s start crying. “I-I’ll be fine.”

Matt

This isn't an answer. Not exactly and Matt looks at the door and then back to Evan. Everything about this does not feel fine and he's left in this place where he's not sure if he should say okay and let him leave. He's an adult and didn't any type of handholding. But he's an adult who sounds as if he's about to lose it, especially with what sounds like he's struggling to keep it together. "Do you feel like I don't want you here? I know last night I wanted the house to myself and I put that whole February deadline. Or is there something more? Maybe because of Blaine or the fact I don't like to sleep with a shirt on?"

Evan

Evan can already feel the tears start trickling down his face and he, himself, can’t find a reason why he shouldn’t stay. Maybe it was hard to see him and Blaine together. Maybe because Blaine was the first guy that made him feel something again and he knew it was unrequited, he knew it would never ever happen and he was fine with that. At least he thought so. Maybe it was the deadline and the anxiety that came with it. Like ‘Sure, stay with me but I don’t want you here forever.’ Evan understood that. He understood that perfectly. Or maybe it was the fact that he was horny 24/7 when he was here and he couldn’t really do anything about it. Sure he could call some girl up and get off but it wasn’t satisfying anymore. Maybe it was everything Matt had mentioned but he knew it was more than that.  Evan doesn’t want to respond, he doesn’t know how to respond or where to start or even where to end. He was endlessly fucked up and he knew that. He doesn’t even remember the last time he let himself cry. Sure, he was sad a lot of the time but he never really let himself cry.

Matt

Matt's seen his fair share of tears over the years, hard not to when he dealt with people coming to terms with their whole lives changing after some terrible happens. Or when they lose loved ones. That one...that one got to him. A lot. When Evan didn't make a move for the door Matt's hand slips from the door knob and he can see there's a struggle in play. That Evan's eyes may not be on him but that stray tear that lingers on the tip of his nose before dropping had him wanting to give this guy a hug. "Hey..." he spoke with a gentle tone. "You don't have to leave if you don't want. We can talk about something else. Put a video game on. Even a show or movie."

Evan

Evan let out a soft cry. It surprised him because he wasn’t used to it and now the tears were falling even more. His arm coming up to wipe his face and his sniffling nose. “I- I don’t want to talk.” He choked up as he looked at Matt.  He just wanted to cry,

Matt

There is a hesitation from Matt. If this is family or one of his closest buds there would no question about wrapping him into a hug. There is a lot about Evan Matt doesn't know and he understands he upset he's feeling. He may not have been through the same but he knows how bad your head can get. And, well, Matt did start to look at Evan as someone he can see himself caring about but was he about to overstep? This is one of those split second decision and Matt's heart won out when he steps to the guy, who was still sniffling and having a hard time getting words out. Matt's arms went around his body and as soon as he could he brings him close to hug.

Evan

The moment Matt wrapped his arms around him he began to sob into his shoulder.  His own arms clinging onto his sides. “I’m sorry.” He said in between cries and he couldn’t stop, as if he couldn’t control or turn off his emotions

Matt

As soon as Evan hugs him back, clinging to Matt in the way which tells him this is the right call, his arms tighten and he says, “It’s fine. You’re safe here.” Which he means completely. “I won’t think any differently of you, so get as much out as you need.” Matt knew all too well what it felt to crumble in front of someone. It’s why he’s worried about letting his true sadness appear. It’s why it was far easier to hide behind jokes and a charming smile.

Evan

Evan laid his head on the mans shoulders as he cried. He cried so long that he started to hiccup and his body was feeling heavy and tired. “C-can we sit, please?” He asked softly.

Matt

"Yeah, sure." Matt said, aware his hand is on Evan's back in an attempt to soothe him. "Head to the couch and I'll get you some water." And kleenex. But Matt kept those words to himself. "I think you should stay tonight. I know you wanted to leave before but you have a bed and warmth and there's also me who wouldn't mind getting a game in with you." Matt talks as he went into the kitchen and poured cold filtered water into a glass. He returns to the living room and plucks a kleenex box from an end side table and sets them both next to the pizza boxes.

Evan

Evan nodded and wiped his red nose, heading over to the couch. He slumps down on the couch and waited for the man to comeback. He kicked his shoes off and curled himself up on the couch. “Could we watch a movie instead? I don’t think I’m really up to be playing games.” He sniffled and took the glass of water from Matt. He took a couple sips before he put it down.

Matt 

After he settles down Matt picks up the remote and turns the TV on. He doesn’t have a whole lot of down time during the week but weekends are used to watch things on all the streaming services and play games. While he went to his HBO app he asks Evan, “What do you like to do for fun?” They’ve talked about his past and things from tonight but Matt know close to nothing him him. All he knows is clubs aren’t his scene.

Evan

Evan settles next to Matt. He felt so small. He felt like a little kid. He grabbed a decorative pillow and placed it against Matt, resting his head on it. “I like to go to the beach. Runs on beach, walks. I like to play volleyball. I really like music.” He lists quietly.

Matt 

He went to one movie to the next, mostly on the hunt fit one which both of them want to see. “Which you won’t get too much with the winter. Are you the outdoors type of guy? Camping? Hiking?” He went to the next row of movies, then to the next. “I love to hit up live shows whenever they come close to here and I’m not busy.”

Evan

Evan nodded. “Yeah, perhaps why My mood is lower during the holidays.” He starts. “I love being outdoors. California had really beautiful places to be. Especially to camp and hike.” Evan forgot how exhausting crying could be. He felt drained, physically and emotionally. He yawned quietly and nodded. “Live music is really good. The piano bar is fun to go to sometimes.”

Matt

There was no say on movie choices and Matt picks one at random. Half of the shit he watches is picked that way. “I get it. I have a physically demanding job but even with that I like to get out. Fresh air and all.” He set the remote down and picks his beer up before returning. Matt adjusts the pillow Evan used against his arm and places an arm across the back of the sofa. He thinks about what Evan told him tonight, especially the part about having feelings for Blaine. It’s one of those things he wants to be like Hell yeah because that’s the guy he’s super into. But another part feels somewhat guilty because Evan and Blaine work together and maybe have better chemistry than they do... That last part lingers but Matt doesn’t say anything. He knows what he and Blaine have feels incredible and they get along easily. “I haven’t been to the piano bar in, fuck. In a long time, actually. Want to hit it up next weekend?”

Evan

Evan feels a little calmer now but he's still feeling a lot of guilt. He shouldn't have told Matt how he felt about Blaine. He didn't need to know because Evan was never going to act on it and Evan knew that nothing would ever come of it. Blaine wasn't into Evan like that and Evan understood. Hell, until today, Evan hadn't really accepted the fact that he may be into guys. So the idea that Evan would ever be with a guy seemed far fetched. He just hoped he hadn't ruined anything for them. Still how was he going to feel when he saw the other man again. Would Matt tell Blaine what had just happened? Honestly, perhaps Evan preferred it that way, just so he would have to tell Blaine himself. It felt too heavy to go over it again. "With Blaine?" Evan asked?

Matt 

Matt watches the beginning of the movie. If looks vaguely familiar but he couldn’t place it. This happens a lot because she puts movies on at random and goes about his night until he’s ready to sit down. “I meant with you but we can totally invite Blaine to join us. He mentioned he plays piano and it’d be cool to see him perform on one.”

Evan

Evan sighs. “I’d rather it be just us.” He comments. “Not because I want us to like be alone or anything creepy like that but I just don’t know if I want to keep being around Blaine as much. At least until my feelings subside...” he confesses. “I don’t think it’s fair to you or him. And you guys really seem to like each other.” Evan tells the older man. “But He is really good at music. You should ask him to play for you sometime. He’s very talented.” Evan said fondly.

Matt 

He looks from the screen to the top of Evan’d head, staring at the blond hair before he smiles. It’s soft and one that shows that he gets where he’s coming from. He knows he can’t see it but they doesn’t stop him from doing so. “It’s cool, Ev. I don’t hold anything against you for telling me you have feelings for him. Shit. I’m surprised Blaine’s single because I imagine he has a line of men who want to date him. So it’s fine, I get it. I was crushing on him for a year and a half before I finally asked him out. So when it comes to you and me? We’re fine. What you tell me it’s between us. I told you before I won’t say a think and that carries over to this.”

Evan

Evan shrugs, his eyes glued to the screen even though he’s not doing much watching. “Still, I don’t want you to have to worry about me being around Blaine. Especially since we work together a lot.” Evan took his eyes off the tv and turned to look up at the handsome man. “I really appreciate you. I appreciate this and what you’re doing for me. Also for not being angry or upset about my feelings.” Evan gave him a small soft smile. “I feel very comfortable and safe around you. In a platonic way.” He tells Matt vulnerably. “Maybe it’s the whole firefighter thing.” He jokes.

Matt 

“I’m not worried, Evan. I feel very secure with what I have with Blaine. Which might sound weird since were only dating. But I’m not worried. And if Blaine tells me it’s not working, well. It’ll suck but I’m not gonna be pissed. And if he starts to see you then I will hope for the best because he’s just this incredible guy and he and anyone he’s with deserves happiness. But you really shouldn’t change how things are. You’re a good manager and I know he looks up to you to help guide him.” Matt says, speaking honestly. “I’m glad you feel comfortable. I’ve told you before this is a safe place for you. Firefighter or not, you can talk to me about whatever.”

Evan

Evan nods. “You’re good for him.” He smiles. “Thank you.” He repeats to the man and puts his attention back to the movie. It’s not long before his eyelids feel heavy and sleep starts to overcome his body

Matt

Matt quiets for awhile and drags his attention from the screen back to Evan, who didn’t say anything for awhile. Matt peers down and notices his eyes are closed. There is a moment he considers carrying him to bed but he thinks he might not want that. In the end Matt pulls the blanket from the back of the couch over and covers him with it. He shifts the pillow on his shoulder to position it on his lap and keeps it like this so it wouldn’t fuck up his neck. Matt stays this way until the movies over and slips away, leaving Evan there to sleep while he takes care of a few things himself before going to his room.

#para: evan

[ashenious]

Some Grand Affairs Amongst the Normality - Chapter 11 of ??? (Dante/Reader)

Overall Story Rating: Mature Overall Story Tags: Alcohol, Big Snake, (Like literally a big snake), Blood, Body Horror, Dead Body Mention, Fluff, Gore Mention, Depressive Thoughts, Drugging, IV Mention, Nausea, Nightmares, Reader is regular boring Human, Reader likes to clean, Reader is also a troublemaker, Slow Burn, Suicide Mention, There was only one bed,

For This Chapter: Rating: General Warnings: None Additional: Fluff Word Count: 6402

Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4/Part 5/Part 6/Part 7/Part 8/Part 9/ Part 10/Part 11/Part 12/Part 13/Part 14

AO3 Link: Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4/Part 5/Part 6/Part 7/Part 8/Part 9/Part 10/Part 11/Part 12/Part 13/Part 14

            “Dante, we seriously need to talk about your spending habits, cause you are barely staying afloat here right now.”

            “Have… you slept at all? You’re not looking so hot right now, babe.”

            “First off, that’s really fucking rude. Second, you’re trying to change the subject, now stop it.”

            Of all the things you wanted to hear for the day, that was the thing you wanted to hear the absolute least. Maybe it was because you hadn’t slept at all during the couple of days since you had been released from the hospital and you were a bit cranky and emotional.  You didn’t really believe that though and you thought it was more likely that you were emotional and on the edge of crying was because Dante was being a complete ass to you, who had graciously offered to work on his finances.

            The first day out of the hospital was a rough one, and it was only because the hospital decided that you could leave on what would have been the day that the culprit, whom you now know was named Lain, would have removed part or all of your liver. Your arm’s dressing had been changed one last time before you left, and your nurse suggested wearing a sling to hold your arm in place to minimize movement of it for a few weeks while it healed. You had originally protested the sling, but since Dante and your nurse were persistent in trying to convince you to use the sling because you were, as they said, “a bit of a troublemaker”, you decided to comply with them and put the sling on to make them stop bringing it up.

            From the feeling of constriction, and from what the day was, you were completely anxious, and there wasn’t a part of your body that wasn’t feeling the coil of dread in it as you stepped out of the hospital’s doors to the rest of the world.

            The cars that drove past on the street, and the people that were going into the hospital made you feel odd, as you felt like your life had been paused for the last 4 days, and yet those that you saw moving around you seemed so unaffected by what had happened to you. You had been brought out of your thoughts by 2 gentle hands on your shoulders, and you about screamed out at the touch. You turned around quickly to see a surprised Dante, his hands still hanging in the air.

            You had apologized profusely, but Dante still seemed phased by your reaction. He made you walk to the store with him, promised that he’d keep his hands to himself. You allowed him to guide you to his store, as you didn’t want to go home just yet.

            As soon as you walked into the store, a bit of anxiety left you, but you still felt overwhelmed in every part of you. It was a relief to see that the floor was still clean, and that Dante had lied to you about making a mess all over the store. The next thing you looked at after you had seen your beautiful floor was the bar, and you thought about making yourself a drink.

            Dante refused to let you, however, and instead directed you away from the cabinet of liquor. You sat yourself at Dante’s desk after he refused to serve you, something that confused the man as you normally sat yourself at the couch nearby, but as he leaned against the edge of his desk, you explained that you had plans for the store now that you had some time off and needed something to do. To him, this was merely something to keep you occupied while you recovered, but to you this was something to help stave off the anxiety and feelings of dread that kept stirring inside you.

            Dante wasn’t amused by what you had told him, your first plan being cleaning the entire store front again until it was completely spotless. Your second plan was to organize all of his finances, something you had taken a peek at when you had deep cleaned the store many months before. Your final plan was to plan out a finishing plan for the back of the store.

            You hadn’t gone to the back of the store a lot, having been there only a few times to find things that Dante was looking for and one time for yourself to see if the man owned a broom back there, but it was a sad sight to behold. The entire back was an unfinished space, but it was a massive space. There were support beams all over the room, there were no windows that weren’t covered up with barely held together curtains, there were boxes with labels of various kinds and in various languages placed haphazardly around, and there was 1 lonely sink sitting near the wall that was shared with the bathroom. You weren��t able to explore the back room to the fullest you wanted to as the at least 1 foot of dust that was covering everything prevented you from trekking further in, as you feared you wouldn’t be able to breath once you went in.

            You had brought up the back room with Dante at one point in time, and the man merely shrugged you off, not very concerned about the space at all. Since then, all you wanted to do was dive in and clean the room, make it presentable at the very least, before you tried to plan out how the space could be used better. The front of Dante’s store was finished and looked relatively nice most days, so it was surprising that the rest of the building was so forgotten and in need of love.

            Cleaning the store was easy for you, as you knew where the most messy places usually were: Dante’s desk, the couch near the back of the store, the bar, mostly the places where Dante rotated throughout a typical day. But you hadn’t been able to move for such a long time that, despite being in a small amount of pain consistently, you just had way too much energy. Dante, justifiably, was worried that you were going to hurt yourself as you cleaned, as doing most anything was difficult with one arm. But you persisted on with your dusting wand and cleaning rags that you placed in a small bucket attached to your belt.

            Cleaning was a comforting action, despite how much energy it took out of you, as it helped you direct the negative energy you had in you to something that wasn’t your brain. You felt that if you let your brain have any of the negative energy you had in you, you’d start thinking terrible thoughts and you’d rather avoid doing that for as long as you could.

            Dante tried to get in your way a total of one time, but after you had smacked him with the wand and given him a look that showed him how serious you were about cleaning, the man stayed out of your way, his feet propped up on the coffee table and his body not leaving the couch. He kept to his magazines while you worked through the store, starting from the front, tiled portion of the store to the back corner where the bar was, and he waited for you to call out to him should you need assistance.

            There were a few places that you couldn’t reach alone, but you refused to ask Dante for help, opting instead to drag around his desk chair to stand on. He wasn’t very happy that you were dragging his chair around and not asking for help, but as he watched you, he kept his eye on your injured arm and was at least pleased that you had barely moved it.

            The front of the store was the least dusty, and you wondered if it was because of the door opening and closing all the time, blowing the dust around as you knew Dante never dusted. The railing of the stairs was less than amusing to dust through, and it was mildly annoying that the dusting wand would get caught in the intricate details of the railing. The bannister above that lined the small floor that hung above the store was extremely dusty as well, and you wondered if Dante even ever went upstairs with how undisturbed the dust was. You also noticed the door up there, something you had never seen from below before, and you wondered if it led to another unfinished area in the back of the store.

            Dusting around the wooden floor next, you started below the stairs and worked on the radiator near them after you polished off the shelves of stuff. You were almost impressed that the shelf looked untouched by the look of the stuff still being organized. You skipped over Dante’s desk, wanting to save that for later when you worked on his finances, and worked to complete the area that Dante was sitting in.

            The man was less than helpful, and you found yourself having to step over and around him to touch the tops of the windows with your dusting wand. Dante, being Dante, made snarky comments the entire time you stepped around him, commenting on how he had his own personal housekeeper now, and how nice it was to not to have clean up anymore. You countered him by saying that he never cleaned up to begin with, and as you planted one foot on either side of his sitting self, you stared down at the man for a second.

            “…As much as I enjoy the view, I can’t read my magazine very easily, babe.” Getting smacked with the dust wand again shut Dante up quickly, and you removed yourself from over him, your face feeling on fire as you jumped over to the corner to dust the bar and surrounding decorations.

            Satisfied with your work on the store, you sat yourself down again at Dante’s desk, and you couldn’t help but look over the whole store. It still looked pretty dull and dreary, but at least there wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere to be found, except maybe on the dangling lights. Looking up at the them, you wondered if you had any way to reach them.

            “…Hey, Dante,” you called out. Hearing a hum of acknowledgement, you looked over to the preoccupied man. “Anyway I can convince you to lift me up so I can dust the lights?”

            “What? No way, doll.” Shrugging a bit, you were satisfied as you had at least tried. Dante raised his eyebrow at you as you turned away and pulled open the top drawer of his desk. “Hey, what’re you doing now?”

            “I told you before, I’m gonna work on your finances. Last time I checked, you weren’t doing so hot,” you replied as you pulled out stacks of papers. The drawer had gained a few more papers since the last time you opened it, something that worried you a bit. Repeating your motion and pulling out all the papers from every drawer, you felt a bit overwhelmed by the stacks of papers that piled atop the desk. Sighing loudly, you began to sort out the stacks, taking care to make as many piles of paperwork as you needed to find specific sheets later.

            At some point in your sorting, you heard a light snoring noise, and as you looked over to Dante, his magazine now covering his face, you couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. Turning to look at the clock, you realized that it was just past midnight, a lot later than you thought it was. Feeling your lips tighten a bit at the sight, you turned back to the paper you held in your hand and skimmed over it. Placing it onto the proper stack, you felt the weight on your eyes try to tug them closed.  

            Feeling the anxiety still inside you, a lessened amount than earlier in the day but still enough to make you feel sick, you shook out your head and returned to your sorting, determined to keep sleep at bay for more time.

            Once the paper on top of Dante’s desk were sorted, there were still the papers that were shoveled into the shelves under the stairs. Although you had organized them months before, you hadn’t thoroughly sorted them and so they were just lined up on the shelf, waiting to be sorted through.

            The sun arose just as you finished sorting the final papers, and you couldn’t help but sigh loudly as you placed the final paper. It had taken a lot longer than you wanted it to to sort all the papers, and you hadn’t even sorted them by dates yet, only by type. Picking up a stack and making more room on the desk, you began the long task of sorting it by the dates listed, assuming there was even a date on it. Undated papers were given their own pile and you knew you’d have to fill in the missing dates of the dated pile with them at some point.

            A loud snort brought you out of your deep sorting routine, and you jumped at the noise as you turned to look at Dante, your eyes wide and mouth a little agape. The man let his magazine fall off his face and onto his lap, and he stretched his arms and legs out. He lifted his head up to look at you as his legs hit the table again, another noise that caused you to jump a bit.

            “What’s up?” the man asked, his eyebrow raised. You merely shook your head and returned to your sorting again, leaving Dante confused.

            Finally, FINALLY, every pile was sorted by type and by date, and you felt content knowing you’d hopefully never have to do something so tedious again. You were going to leave sticky notes with instructions on them for Dante so that the man would hopefully at least attempt to place the papers near the correct pile when he needed to rid himself of them.

            Grabbing a stack of clean paper, you began to work down Dante’s budget, something you felt like might be an impossible task. You liked a challenge though, even if there was a chance that the task would never have a definite end. One by one you went through all the stacks of papers, trying and failing to not judge the purchases made by the man through the years.

            There were many names on the papers you didn’t recognize, and you wondered briefly who all the were people that Dante had done business with in the past. The name of Enzo came up a lot, and his name suddenly disappeared from the papers at some point. It seemed that he was someone who frequently did business with Dante in the past, but whom had almost completely vanished from the man’s paperwork in recently years. It was curious to see disappearance of the name so suddenly, and it made you wonder what could have happened for the man and Dante to no longer do business together.

            During your budgeting spree, you were brought out of your mind by the touch of something warm to your cheek, and you gasped at the feeling as you slid your chair backwards on the floor. Looking at the warm offender, a slice of pizza that Dante held in his hand, you turned to look at the man. His face was a bit contorted, and you grinned sheepishly at him.

            “You hungry?” he asked. Looking from him to the pizza again, you wondered when Dante had left, or when he had even gotten up as you couldn’t recall hearing any movement. How did he pull up a chair next to you without you noticing at all?

            “I, uh…yeah,” you said after a few moments, your hand reaching to grab the slice. Sitting in silence and eating, you let your brain spin around the numbers you had just written down as you tried to keep your mind was wandering to somewhere with terrible thoughts. You had finally started to tackle the food portion of Dante’s budget, the part that worried you the most. As you grabbed another slice of pizza from the box, you realized that you were in fact starving, unsure of when you had last eaten.

            You managed to grab another 2 slices from Dante before he finished off the box, almost having to fight the man for your final piece, and you were almost impressed with yourself at how much you had just eaten. Granted, your body was craving some sort of nutrition as you had barely eaten in the prior 24 hours, so it made sense that were going to eat a lot in one sitting when you finally ate.

            Turning your focus away from how full you felt, you went back to your budgeting, and Dante returned himself to the couch. Instead of grabbing a magazine, however, the man watched you as you worked, but you barely noticed, your attention turned fully on the almost disgusting amount of pizza receipts, debts, and tabs that Dante had.

            Now, after all the time had passed where you had looked every single pizza receipt you found before, it made absolutely no sense to you, having done all the math twice to double check, how one man could have possibly eaten 520 pizzas in about 6 months’ time. You weren’t even sure you had eaten that many slices of pizza in your lifetime, but the receipts didn’t lie to you as you stared down at them and then over to Dante. Your face was full of expression, as you were impressed, worried, concerned, and disgusted in that moment, and Dante only stared at you as he waited for you to speak.

            But his face changed immediately when he saw the tears sitting in your eyes, and he brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck slowly.

            “You can’t…you can’t just tell someone they look terrible,” You muttered finally. Dante looked to the side as he kept rubbing that back of his neck, and you sighed lightly.

            “I’m…sorry?” he said after a few seconds, his eyes coming back to you. You only shook your head and turned back to the papers in front of you. Dante stood up from his place, and you listened as he walked over to his desk and stood on the side. “What did you want to talk about then?”

            “You… cannot eat this much pizza,” you said as you turned to look at Dante. “You’ve eaten as much pizza that 1 person could eat in their life in just 6 months!”

            “…I…I think you’re done with those now.”

            “What?” Seeing Dante reach for the papers before you, you jumped forward and grabbed his arm firmly. “No! I’m not done yet!” Hearing a chuckle from the man, you looked up at him and pouted.

            “What, what’s with the pout?” He asked as his chuckle became a laugh. “You can’t tell a guy not to eat his favourite thing and expect that he’ll just take that without fighting!”

            “I’m just…how can you afford this much pizza? Where do you get the money to buy it all?” you asked, your tone a bit exacerbated. “I’ve looked over what you bring home, and you don’t make nearly enough to afford all those everything pizzas! And I haven’t even touched your receipts of beer and booze or…literally anything else!” you rambled on, refusing to let go of Dante’s arm. Dante continued to laugh, and he gently pulled at his arm, playfully trying to free it from your grasp.

            “Oh, well, that’s all you’ve looked at so far?” he said as he slowly looked over the desk. Taking a second to look over all the papers, he pushed down one of his fingers on his free hand onto one of the piles before you. Turning and looking at the pile he was pointing at, you grasped harder on his other arm as he continued to tug it.

            Refusing to let go, you merely leaned over the desk, gently resting your slinged elbow on the desk as you glanced at the papers. Dante scolded you for moving your injured arm, but you ignored him as you stuck your tongue out a bit in favor of reading the headings on the papers.

            ‘IOU – Lady’

Right, that’s how.

            Groaning a bit, you slumped back in your chair and kicked your feet forward. As you leaned your head back, you heard Dante still chuckling a bit, and you finally released his arm from your grasp.

            “I totally forgot about your other debts…” you muttered as you turned to look at the man. He was leaning against the desk, his arm resting on the top of it as he watched you. “This is…gonna take a long time I think.”

            “Hey, if you’re so worried about my finances, you’re free to pay for my pizza in the meantime,” Dante teased.

            “…I still don’t even know where my wallet is!” you exclaimed, quickly reaching down and patting your pockets. “I can’t pay for anything until I find that!”

            “Oh, right. It’s in the evidence lock up I think,” Dante explained. “Morrison’s wrapping up the case, so he should be calling at some point and we can go get your stuff.”

            “Oh, great, it’s evidence…” you muttered as you pouted. Dante chuckled at your expression, and you only pouted more when you heard him.

            “Is that all you wanted to talk about?” Humming a confirmation and shrugging at Dante, he pulled himself off the desk and knelt down next to you. You furrowed your eyebrows, confused at what he was doing. “You wanna answer my question now?”

            “Your question…?” Sitting and thinking for a second, you remembered what Dante had asked you only a few minutes before. “Oh, right. I have…I got a little bit of sleep,” you lied. You could tell that Dante knew you were lying by the expression on his face, and, though you didn’t want to admit it, you probably did look pretty awful at the moment which didn’t help your lie. Turning away from the man quickly, you grabbed your dust wand and turned back to Dante. “H-Here!”

            “What….am I gonna do with this?” he asked, completely confused as he grabbed onto the wand.

            “Can you dust out the back of the store?” you asked. “I-I can’t do it cause it’s way too dusty for me, and I’m a bit worried I’ll become one with the dust.” Seeing Dante’s face furrow up, you waited a second and watched him as he flipped the dust wand over as he looked over it. “Please?” The man sighed and stood up, and just before he walked away to the back of the store, he gave you a look of concern. You only grinned at him as he walked away, and once he was out of the sight and you heard the door to the back close, you returned your attention to the budget in front of you.

            As time passed while you worked on the remainder of Dante’ budget, you would occasionally hear concerning noises coming from the back of the store. Many times you wanted to stop and go and check on Dante, to see what he was doing that could be causing so much noise, but you refused to move as you wanted to finish going through his papers as fast as possible.

            It seemed like you were in hell for the longest time, as paper after paper got filed away after you wrote down everything on it. The repetition you were seeing among Dante’s purchases and debts was incredible, and if some of them weren’t dated then you would’ve thought that the man had hundreds of copies of the same receipt for no reason. But finally, as you set down the last piece of paper from the last of the stacks of papers, you groaned loudly. Despite your groan, you were almost ecstatic as you had finally, FINALLY gathered up all of Dante’s financial woes and incomes, balanced his books for the business, and made a reasonable budget for him. There were still a few things you needed to ask him for clarification, but the worst of the balancing was over.

            Hearing the door to the back slam open, you jumped up, your legs knocking down the chair you sat in as you hopped up. You jumped again as the chair hit the ground, and you quickly turned to where the original noise came from. Seeing a puff of dust floating near the bar, you felt your face fall a bit. Only a few moments after seeing the dust did you see a dust covered figure emerge from behind the wall, and you couldn’t help but snort at the unimpressed face that was plastered on Dante.

            “I can see why you were worried about becoming one with the dust! I had no idea I had a portal to hell in the back of my shop!” Dante snarked as he smirked, his hand resting on his side as he looked over at you. You covered your mouth quickly and laughed into it, uncaring of how loud your laugh was. “Do you need the bathroom before I wash all this gunk off? I’m probably gonna be awhile since it feels like the dust is trying to eat me.” Dante said as he gently lifted his jacket to the side as he began to slide it off.

            As you kept laughing, you waved your hand in front of you to shoo Dante away who was already stripping away his shirt to free himself from the dust cover that was coating him. The man just chuckled a bit before he turned and walked to the bathroom, hoping to rid himself of the disgusting feeling on him. Hearing the door close again, you made your way over the coach and sat down, still laughing a bit. You couldn’t get the image of Dante’s face as he left the back out of your head, and it was definitely one of the funniest things you had seen in a while.

            Laying down on the couch slowly, you grabbed the pillow that sat on the back of the couch and placed it under your injured arm and elevated it. Resting your head against the arm of the couch, you stared up at the ceiling as you heard the sound of the water turn on.

            You wondered how long Dante would be, as you felt your stomach growl a bit. Lifting the curtain on the window above you, you furrowed your eyebrows a bit at the lack of sunlight that was shining through. You looked at the clock nearby and were surprised to see it was almost 9 at night, and you hadn’t even noticed that another whole day had passed. Letting the curtain fall back into place, you turned your eyes back to the ceiling again.

            It had been just over a day since you had left the hospital, but it only felt like a little bit ago there you were sitting on the clean white bed still hooked up to an IV drip and vitals monitor. Your anxiety hadn’t lessened much since the sun had risen that morning, and it was frustrating to still be feeling the heavy weight in you. You had hoped that being productive, overly productive at that, would help how awful you felt, but nothing had changed. It was annoying to say the very least. And you still felt bad about lying to Dante earlier, even though the man knew that you were lying.

            You peeked at the liquor cabinet, and wondered if having a drink would help you. Feeling the tug at your arm as you sat up a bit, you gave up sitting up and threw yourself back onto the couch, deciding against a drink right now. The idea didn’t leave your mind, and you decided that if you didn’t feel better by sunrise, then you’d just spend tomorrow a bit tipsy just to give yourself a break from the horrible feelings.

            Tomorrow was so far away, however, and as you felt the weight of exhaustion in you coupled with your anxiety, you sighed. Sleep wasn’t an option you wanted to consider right now; the nightmares had been subdued in the hospital as you hadn’t dreamed at all because of whatever pain meds they were giving you. You were taken off pain meds the day before you left the hospital, however, and the night of sleep you had had horrible and bloody nightmares again. The ones from the last few months were almost tolerable compared to the one you had in the hospital, and now you just wished to never experience that again.

            You knew humans could go a good amount of time before they needed to sleep, so you decided that your time was best spent working on something else. The back room needed a lot of work to it, and although you knew Dante couldn’t afford to fix up everything right now, it was best to get plans down so that you’d have an idea of how much it’d cost to renovate the room.

            Opening your eyes which you had closed at some unknown point, you about screamed at the sight of Dante’s face sitting above you as he knelt nearby. Glancing down his face, your own eyes wide as your mouth lay open, you caught sight of the man’s chest and felt your face flush. Bringing your eyes back up to Dante’s gaze, you slowly lifted your arm and pressed your hand over Dante’s eyes. Feeling the man’s brow furrow a bit, you looked away from him.

           “C-Can I help you?” you stuttered out quietly. Feeling Dante’s hand rise and rest over your own, you tensed up a bit.

            “Nah, I was just checking to see if you fell asleep. The couch isn’t very comfortable, so I suggest using the bed upstairs,” Dante said as he pulled your hand away from his face. He didn’t release your hand however, and you refused to look at him.

            “I wasn’t sleeping,” you stated simply.

            “I think you need to; you’ve been up for far too long,” Dante said as he slowly brought your hand down to your chest.

            “I don’t need to sleep,” you about spat out, still focusing your gaze away from the man.

            “And why not? You look like…you need at least a nap,” the man said as he gently rubbed his thump over the back of your hand. You felt your face heat up more, and you very much wanted to roll off the back of the couch. Deciding it wasn’t worth it to rip your stiches out of your arm, you remained in place.

            “I don’t need a nap, I’m fine,” you tried again.

            “You’re not. I can tell from how tense you are,”

            “I’m tense cause you’re…shirtless and harassing me!” Turning your head away more, you tried to bury your face in the cushions of the couch.

           “No, you’re tense cause you need a nap,” Dante said as he sighed. “C’mon, I’ll show you upstairs.” Feeling a tug on your arm, you quickly turned your head and watched as Dante rose to his feet.

            “No! I really don’t!” you countered as you tried to pull your hand free.

            “Why in the world don’t you want to sleep?” Dante asked, a bit of frustration in his voice. “Your arm isn’t gonna heal as fast if you don’t sleep!”

            “I just…don’t want to sleep!”

            “And why not?” Pulling your lips tight, you felt the tension in your shoulders build up, and you slowly sat yourself up as Dante continued to gently pull on your arms. You looked away from the man and stared at the titled floor near the bar.

            “I…You’re gonna laugh if I tell you, why can’t you drop it?” you asked quietly. Feeling the tugging on your arm halt, you waited. Only a moment later did you feel the weight of another person on the couch. Looking to your side, you saw Dante sitting next to you, his face softer than it was a few seconds ago. His tugging had stopped, but his hand still held yours, and you appreciated the warmth of it.

            “I won’t. Promise,” Dante said, his tone much more serious than it usually was. Looking over his face, you knew he was telling the truth, and as he sat next to you, his thumb no longer running over your hand like you wanted it to, you felt yourself calm down slowly as the moments passed.

            “I…don’t want to deal with the…nightmares…” you finally said, your voice growing quieter with each word. You turned your head away quickly, and you felt yourself tense up again as you waited for Dante to do or say anything.

            “…You too, huh?

            “What?” Throwing your head back around, you gave Dante a confused look, but all he did was give you a soft look. Confused, you looked over his whole face as you tried to process the words he had just said.

            “C’mon, this way.” Feeling a gentle tug on your hand, Dante stood up and you hesitantly joined him in standing. He led the way, slowly stepping around the coffee table and walked toward the stairs. You followed him, and as he turned to climb the stairs, you looked down at your hand that he was still holding. Reaching the top of the stairs, Dante opened the door you had never been in before, and he released your hand before he motioned for you to go in.

            Stepping inside, you were a bit surprised at the sight of another unfinished room that only had an unmade bed and a dresser in it. Your face scrunched at the sight, and you turned to watch Dante as he stepped into the room with you as he closed the door behind him. He motioned you toward the bed, but you didn’t move as he made his way to the dresser nearby.

            “This is…your bedroom?” you asked as you watched Dante.

“Yeah, give me one second here,” The man said as he opened one of the drawers to the dresser, and he suddenly threw his towel to the side into a pile of other piles, causing your face to grow immediately hot as you exclaimed, “Have you no shame!?” while you quickly covered your eyes with your hand and turned to the side.

            “Oh, you’re being overly dramatic.” Dante laughed as he pulled out a pair of dark pants. “You’ve seen me strip down when I’ve been drunk before, there isn’t anything on me you haven’t seen yet.” Muttering to yourself about how shameless Dante was, you thought about how it was true that a drunk Dante did seem to have an affinity for striping down at random times, but at those times you were also drunk and so had hardly paid mind to the random acts. You listened as the man as he slid his bottoms on, and you forced your injured hand to relax as you had clenched your fist on that hand at some point and it was starting to become sore. Waiting for a few seconds, you finally felt the man pass you, and you quickly removed your hand from your face and looked at him as he moved toward the door. “Just call out if you need me,”

            “W-Wait!” You said quickly as you reached and grabbed onto Dante’s arm. “A-Are you gonna leave me alone in this creepy room?”

            “Creepy? I don’t think it’s that creepy,” Dante said, his eyes going around to all parts of the room.

            “I-It’s horribly creepy! It looks like a haunted house in here! So-So you can’t leave me alone in here, I’ll never be able to sleep!” you sputtered out quickly. “N-Not that I was gonna sleep anyway, I think that that’s a terrible idea! S-So you can’t go leaving me here, cause what if something ha—"

            “Alright, alright! I’ll stay!” Dante said as he threw his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t think you enjoyed my company so much.”

            “I-I don’t,” you said as you shook your head. Turning and stepping toward the bed, you looked over the disheveled mess of blankets that had been balled up.

            “Your full of lies today, aren’t you?” Turning and looking at Dante, you saw him raise his eyebrow at you. You felt your lips tighten and you sat yourself on the bed slowly. “I won’t leave you alone but let me go grab a magazine real fast.”

            “…A-Are you just gonna end up falling asleep while you’re reading again?” you asked as you brought your legs up next to you.

            “…Possibly, why?” Seeing the mans confused face, you gulped lightly.

            “If you’re…just gonna fall asleep, why not just skip the magazine and…” pausing for a moment, you felt your face grow hot as you felt your heart race. “…just take a nap?” Seeing Dante’s eyebrow raise once again, you quickly turned away from him. Hearing some movement after a few moments, you waited. When the other side of the bed was pressed in, you watched as Dante rolled himself onto the bed, and pushed the pile of blankets closer to you. He didn’t look at you, and his eyes were already closed when his head hit the pillow. As he raised his arms and placed his hands behind his head, you slowly pulled one blanket free from pile and shook it out.

            Laying down on your right side to allow your injured arm to not be squished, you slowly pulled the blanket you held over you as you laid your head down. You felt in your whole body, and your heart was still racing as you closed your eyes. You thought that you wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with how you were feeling, and you decided that you would get up when you heard Dante snoring shortly. But the feeling of the heft in your eyes kept your eyes closed, and despite your want to stay away, you slowly drifted into sleep, your body longing for deep rest.

#devil may cry #dmc #fanfic #dmc fanfic #dante #reader #dante/reader #second person #text post #read more #mine #myfic #my story #SGAAtN

[wildestthicket]

She came into my work the other day, which isn’t like. Impossible. I work at a specialty store that people come into every day and she just happened to show up when I was working. I didn’t know she was back in town, she didn’t know I worked there.

My brain was so jarred that it spat out someone who didn’t know her or recognize her, and she pretended not to recognize us either. I went to the back and had a meltdown after she left.

She messaged me on facebook about a week after it happened to apologize since ‘I’ had asked her never to contact ‘me’ again. She wanted to check to see what she should do so I felt safe at work to the point of offering to get someone I didn’t know come in and get stuff for her so I wouldn’t have to see her again.

I just want to tell her what happened and why shit fell apart the way it did so I’m going to write it down here to sort it out for myself at least and so I don’t message her on an impulse because this all feels too much like fate.

In high school I became the host again (afaik iv, Fe, and Sly showed up intermittently when they needed to, as you do) and met her. Long story short she was my best friend and I was completely in love with her. We had a lot of the same interests, she introduced me to books and music that are still important to all of us. Most of my world had her somewhere in it. It was like that for two years and I know there were problems, things weren’t perfect. There was the self professed ‘native american fetish’ of hers and other stuff I can’t call to mind right now. I didn’t have the guts to bring it up and chance losing the most important person to me right then.

And for once the person who was the most important to me seemed to really care about me too? We talked constantly and. Yeah. I don’t know. Two years of having someone I could tell anything and feel like just maybe it was mutual. I got a notebook that I was determined to use as the notebook to plan my novel, which she’d listened to me blab about for hours on end. She wrote something for me in the back of it and made me promise not to read it until I had filled the book.

Then she graduated and I had my back surgery. I’m not sure at which point I went dormant, but it was somewhere in the first two months. It was too painful, and I was horrified that in my eyes I had elected to ruin my body. Eli became host because he was made for handling pain and we still aren’t sure if our brain copied my pertinent personality traits onto him, if we were similar to start with since we were two versions of the same kid but with different jobs, or if we had a drastic personality change that everyone around us chalked up to growing up and going through intensive surgery.

Either way, I went away. In my place was someone who knew who Kelowna was, but didn’t have any emotional attachment to her whatsoever and was terrified and disgusted by himself over how little he cared. But he couldn’t have. He also couldn’t have known. I used to hate Eli so much over letting her go and not trying harder to hold on to that relationship, but how could he have?

For a while he kept texting her, he went up to visit her a couple times after she moved away. I think I showed up at one point during the second trip. There’s an entire page of a sketchbook we bought on that trip filled with the words ‘MAKE IT WORTH IT’. There was this feeling that Eli had of going through the motions while we were around her.

At some point after that second (I think there were two? I honestly can’t remember) trip communication started to drop off. I think that was when I stopped fronting altogether because I thought we might never be able to transition because of our back surgery. The next bits are blurry for me. At some point during grade 12, after not having talked to her for a few months, Eli got a new follower who started to interact with a lot of his transition related posts. Their url kind of implied that either they were trans too or at least were trans centric, he didn’t think much of it. He liked the attention, like any of us would. There’s one specific post we remember where this follower said something like ‘oooh can you make me coffee in that outfit?’ and another where they called Eli handsome in one of his shirtless binder pictures for a review of it so we decided to check out their blog to determine if this was a creep or someone we wanted to maybe be friends with.

We scrolled for a little while, it looked like a diary blog and an account of her wife’s transition. Then at the very bottom of the blog there was an apology post addressing Eli (or me, I only chose the name Keirren because when we sorted system stuff out, Eli was the one doing it and the name was effectively his at that point. I chose Eli when I figured out I was trans, but Keirren was the first name I chose for myself online so I went with that one in the end) by name. I can’t remember the exact contents of the post, that memory is Eli’s, but the gist of it was that she felt at fault for letting the relationship fall apart. Eli knew that he was the one who ghosted, but at that point had no idea why he’d done it.

He exited the tab and decided to just not address it. School was too stressful to bother with much else, our Nanny had just died (which made iv go dormant for a while, also cutting off even more of our emotional range) and our parents’ abusive behavior was at its worst then.

A couple weeks later he decided it was best to just say something instead of beating around the bush, and went to find the apology post so he could reference specific bits of stuff to make sure he got everything. The post had been deleted. He figured that the apology (that he didn’t really think was necessary, in fact he thought he should be the one apologizing) was retracted, that she didn’t want to get back in contact with us again.

That was that. For a while. She kept interacting with him through that blog, and had no identifying information that would have tipped us off to it being her on it if we hadn’t seen that post.

There were a few instances of him checking the blog to see if she had made another post at us and the two of them vaguing back and forth.

Eli felt. Skeeved out. But he didn’t know how to go about addressing any of it because there was this big fucking hole in his memory, or reasoning, or something, about why he’d just let go of someone who had been so important to ‘him’. He graduated, took a gap year, and at some point during that, she texted us.

We had no idea she still had our number, and she sent us a shitload of texts. I don’t remember the contents of any of it, all I know is that it ended in Eli telling her to fuck off and never contact us again. Partly because he was scared of sounding like he was making excused or a bad person for not knowing why he did what he did, partly because he was understandably angry and freaked out.

I think it was a few months after that that Eli finally gained an inkling of what was going on with our brain, that there was an ‘us’ instead of a ‘him’. At that point it was just Fever and iv. Then we went to university.

Cue one of the worst mental breakdowns Eli has ever had, bad enough that he got sucked inworld after a hospitalization and I got spat back out to the front for the first time in... Three years? Maybe a little less, but this was the first time I was solidly present for more than a handful of hours in at least two years. At least that.

The last two years while we were away at school and trying to survive halfway across the country aren’t. Super relevant to this so I’ll give some highlights.

Eli told his partner about all of the above. We figured out that it was me who was friends with Kelowna, mostly since I missed her so fucking much and kept wanting to get back in contact with her. I became a member of the main fronting group after pulling some really horrible shit and consequently patching things up with the people I hurt. I grew up a lot, and I’m so fucking happy I got to where I am.

There were a couple times that our paranoia got so bad that we thought we saw her around the city we were in even though that was nearly impossible.

During a visit home with Eli’s partner (wait shit, this particular instance would have been before they moved with us. Okay so this was with Eli’s partner, but just before they moved with us) we put all of the stuff of Kelowna’s we still had in a bag, drove down to where her parents lived in the middle of the night, and chucked it over the fence. Eli wanted closure, I knew all I would ever do with that stuff was use it to cling on to memories and a relationship that would never go back to how it was before.

So for the time between my re-emergence and now, I’ve grown up a lot, but I still spend a significant amount of time thinking about her. About what could have happened differently. Wanting to tell her what happened. Sometimes knowing it’s just out of my need/want for closure over the whole situation, and other times self righteously going ‘She deserves to know after what I did to her!’. I’m not sure how true either of those things are.

I’m either a holder for all of our feelings and memories of her, or I just plain old fucking miss her because she was my best friend. Maybe I’m bitter because I want my life back still. Because I didn’t get to grow up and I probably never will. All I ever wanted was to prove that I could make it out of high school and survive out from under my parents’ thumb and not give up or kill myself and that didn’t happen. Maybe I’m projecting. I didn’t kill myself, but a lot of me still feels like I gave up. I don’t know. i have a lot of shit to sort out and this tangent is getting out of hand.

About half a year ago, we moved back here to get our shit in order. We got a job, we got on assistance, we figured out a living situation for the time being.

And then she walked into our job about a month ago.

Then she messaged us about two weeks ago.

And all of this, all six years of this condensed down into rapid flashbacks and memories I wish I’d never tried to push away coming back to me, came bubbling back up.

I miss her so much.

I know it’s the stupidest thing but the messages sent us just sound like she’s grown and changed a lot.

I still want to tell her and I have no idea what to do.

So I spent an hour writing all of this so I wouldn’t message her and so I could get all of this sorted out in order in my head and I think I have things as in order as I’ve had them in a while

And now I have no idea what to do with all of it.

Like, great, I have a chronological account of what happened how I remember it happening, but where do i go now? At this point I’m just writing this to keep myself from switching back to the Facebook tab I have open where I have her message up and talking to her.

So. Yeah. That’s been my month.

#kelowna #keirren shut up

[larksinging]

James Cd Case Packet: Mix Notes

alright here’s another long post about my song choices for this mix

THE HARDEST THING

i wanted another sh2 mix that was less industrial/hard rock than those tend to be so i made this. i have less to say about some of these songs because i feel some of it is a little bit more... self-evident?

i. the view - modest mouse

“If life's not beautiful without the pain / well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again / Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer / And it feels pretty soft to me [...]  For every good deed done there is a crime committed”

 i feel this one is just a good mood setter for how like... overall fucked up james’ situation is. his situation does stem from getting hit with something awful and tragic and struggling to deal with that. what really sold it for me was the “for every good deed done there is a crime committed” with the radio static-y distortions

“You loved her, right?”

ii. satin in a coffin - modest mouse

“Are you here right now  / or are there probably fossils under your meat? [...] Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  / God I sure hope you are dead. /  Well now the blow's been softened / since the ocean is our coffin / Often times you know our laughter / is your coffin ever after.”

“ Or maybe... you hated her." 

i wanted to do some more messing with duality via song choices, so here we have two songs by the same artist back to back. besides the fixation on death in this song, i chose it as the flip side of the love/hate issue with james and mary. after all, there are times james wished she was dead, weren’t there?

iii. my secret friend (remix) - IAMX

“Oh take me to the river / My secret friend / So we can swim forever”

setting up another duality, but this one is mostly mood. think of it as james entering silent hill - the eerie and vaguely foreboding mood of the song sort of captures the fogworld. also, water themes. 

iv. vices - brand new

“Those days are dead / (forgive me) / We need vices to wave to the good old days / She said goodbye to the ground / She said goodbye to the ground”

wow it would be SURE NICE if this song could ACTUALLY PLAY ON THE MIX. anyways. this song starts out soft and gentle, like some old style song, and then shifts very suddenly into a much harder rock. that felt very appropriate. anyway the concepts of something lost and a need for vices, or sin/something carnal seems... very appropriate for james

v. kettering - the antlers

“I wish that I had known in that first minute we met, the unpayable debt that I owed you”

it’s the first in a series! honestly you could probably just put on the antler’s hospice album and practically call that a sh2 mix, but, you know. a lot of the themes are similar - the struggle of losing someone, dealing with the slow death of a loved one, the strained relationship that follows and abuse. while james and mary are nowhere near as unhealthy as the couple in hospice, at they end things definitely got bad. it still works very well

vi. get out (acoustic) - circa survive

“I can't get started from the part where I left off yesterday / Should've spent my time a little wiser / I sat alone guilty as sin waiting for words to come / From out of my head still making sense to anyone [...]  Lock myself up in a room without a window just to see / If it was any easier to breathe / I was wrong”

i like this song for the sense of confusion from the weight of the burden. there’s a kind of self-destructive desperation in the pursuit of understand that honestly characterizes james’ pursuit of “mary”. also, suffocation themes. while the original version is more energetic and jarring, i felt the slightly subdued acoustic version was more appropriate here

vii. daisy - brand new

“I'm a river that is all dried up / I'm an ocean nothing floats on [...]  Well if we take all these things  / and we bury them fast [...]  Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain / Like he knew it was time / to start things over again / It'd be all right, it's all right / it'd be easier that way” 

james is a... conflicted person, and i like the chaotic mood of this song to represent this. there’s a sense of self-loathing and uselessness that really speaks to the heart of james’ character. the mix of wanting to move forward and also being stuck on the past and the easy route. also, water themes. also, another duality, since there are two songs by brand new 

viii. my secret friend - IAMX (feat. Imogen Heap)

“My secret friend/ I'll take you to the river / My secret friend / So we can swim forever / In your skin / To die a little death / This time there's no code word / When everyday frays in hollow ends / Dream sweet love submissive”

the original version of the remix from earlier. this one feels a bit darker, more subdued, which i feel reflects how one’s perception of the town as you go along. i also like that this is a duet, which seems... appropriate. also, water themes.

ix. against the tide - celldweller

“Under the waves we're sinking like a stone / I'm sorry son, you're reaping what you've sown [...]  This sorrow weighs down on my shoulders / This fear is getting harder to hide / You'll leave me alone in this darkness /Left to hold out /Against the tide” 

james is crushed by the weight of his own actions. “you’re reaping what you sow” - this is, ultimately, james’ doing. maybe a song for pyramid head? anyway i feel the theme of this is pretty clear in its relationship to james. also, to beat a dead horse, water themes! this may also be the closest to the sh vocal track sound as this mix gets

x. holocaust - jordaan mason (original by big star)

“Your mother's dead / You're on your own / She's in her bed” 

replace “mother” with “wife” and... well. the mood and feeling of this song is the most mary-ish of them all, and i chose it to capture the quiet misery and hopelessness of that whole situation. listening to this song doesn’t feel good in a really purposeful way. 

xi. epilogue - the antlers

“I think you buried me awake (my one and only parting gift) / But you return to me at night / Just when I think I may have fallen asleep / Your face is up against mine / And I'm too terrified to speak / You're screaming / And cursing / And angry / And hurting me / And then smiling / And crying / Apologizing”

another song off of hospice. the scenario of seeing a dead loved one in a dream as a nightmare is... basically james’ silent hill experience? anyway i feel this captures more than anything the complexity of emotions going on between them during mary’s last day. as if the lines i quoted above aren’t basically the hallway conversation

xii. kings of medicine - placebo

“Don't leave me here to pass through time / Without a map or road sign / Don't leave me here, my guiding light / 'Cause I, I wouldn't know where to begin / I ask the kings of medicine / But it seems they've lost their power / Now all I'm left with is the hour”

this mix needed a song that was completely and purely just james’ grief. kings of medicine is an expression of - a healthier kind of grief, maybe? it comes at the end of the mix as james’ grief through the lens of the truth. or maybe in the past? but the explicitness of being lost without mary. i like just the pure power of this song

xiii. vindicated - dashboard confessional 

“I am Vindicated / I am selfish / I am wrong / I am right, I swear I'm right / I swear I knew it all along / And I am flawed  / But I am cleaning up so well / I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself [...]  Just one touch and I'd be in / Too deep now to ever swim against the current / So let me slip away [...]  Slight hope / It dangles on a string / Like slow spinning redemption...”

the thing about silent hill - about james’ story - is, at the end of it, there is a sliver of hope. i mean, more or less depending on the ending, but there is always the possibility of growth. of... healing? james reaches a point where he has the opportunity to move forward. mary forgives him, mary asks him to do what’s best for him/live for himself. that’s what this song is - the flicker of hope, the ability for james to become a better person. also: water themes!

xiv. wake - the antlers

“It was easier to lock the doors and kill the phones than to show my skin / because the hardest thing is never to repent for someone else / it's letting people in [...] Some patients can't be saved, but that burden's not on you.”

how could i not end with another song from hospice? wake is the song that likewise has that glimmer of hope, but in this case it represents a move towards self-forgiveness. after all, mary is dead, her last will and testament is just the letter. it’s ultimately james who has to forgive himself. while uh there is a bit more legitimate blame in mary’s death, her illness was something that was never his fault. if the last song is the final boss battle and mary cutscene, this is mary’s letter

i could have included something to indicate at all of the endings (none of these, for example, really gesture towards in water or maria). there might be a slight lean towards leave, but i like to think it matches just the games’ mood in general. i have a few songs that were cut - most notably fever dreams by circa survive (replaced with get out), but most of my ideas made it on. 

#long post cw #silent hill #james sunderland #ask to tag