#ugh :( anyway.. yearning

[keldae]

Musings

Gale couldn't remember the last time he had slept with someone – spending his time asleep wrapped in a lover's arms had been before Mystra. He hadn't ever needed to sleep when he was with his goddess in her realm, and she would never have come to the mortal planes to spend an entire night with him. So sharing his bedroll now was… unusual.

Not a bad type of unusual, he admitted to himself. But still unusual. And it was even more unusual that he hadn't had relations with his bed partner yet – that hadn't ever been a situation he'd found himself in, during the years before Mystra.

But then, with the orb in his chest… having sex was out of the question.

Unable to shut his mind off, he propped his head up on his pillow, looking down at the half-Elf who had stolen his blankets, and was trying to steal his heart. Devi was dead to the world, squished tightly against Gale's side, coppery hair loose around her head. Gale smiled fondly down at the little half-Elf, watching as a few strands of her hair moved with every slow breath past her parted lips. 

What are you seeing in your dreams tonight, Devi? he thought, gazing down at the thief. Hopefully her dreams were pleasant tonight. He didn't think she'd had a bad nightmare since they'd started sleeping together in the Underdark – he definitely had had pleasant dreams while sharing his tent and bedroll with her. Are you in Baldur's Gate, thriving as a little thief? Or are you thinking of the halfling and the dwarves from the book we read tonight? She had seemed to enjoy the story he had read to her.

Devi shifted slightly, rolling onto her side, facing Gale. Before he was quite aware of it, he was reaching to gently brush the loose strands of hair out of her face, tucking the locks behind one delicately pointed ear. His thumb touched her lips, slowly tracing the outline of her mouth. For a moment, he felt an unspeakable yearning for the woman sleeping beside him. If her thoughts during their lesson in the Weave were any indication, she wanted to kiss Gale, despite his affliction – and gods knew he desperately wanted to give her that kiss. He wanted to know what it would feel like to press his lips against hers, to let his tongue meet her own, to taste her mouth and breathe in her exhales as he fulfilled the vision she had shared with him of a kiss…

He closed his eyes, trying to force his mind away from the dangerous thoughts of kissing the woman with him. He'd spent the last year struggling to stabilise the orb – he couldn't risk his mental discipline failing him now. If he killed them all because of letting himself think too much, too enthusiastically, of kissing a beautiful girl… He wanted to groan in frustration.

Except that would have woken Devi up. He settled for silently scolding himself instead. Get a grip, Dekarios!

Besides, Devi wouldn't – couldn't – truly love a broken man like Gale was. He was older than she was, by quite a few years – and in trying to keep up with her youthful half-Elven exuberance, he definitely felt every tenday of his age in comparison to her. And he was irreparably broken, only a shadow of the man and wizard he had been a year and a half ago. He was the reject of a goddess, damned by his own foolishness, and doomed to meet an explosive end alone. 

In comparison, Devi was young, and full of life and fire and optimism. She had had a poor start in life – any child born poor in the Lower City of Baldur's Gate had a disadvantage. But she was smart, and stubborn, and if she was given the correct support, she could exceed any expectations for a girl born as a poor urchin. Maybe, Gale thought, he could leave a note leaving his wealth to her after he met his unavoidable end? Or he could just give her the key to his tower in Waterdeep before he inevitably had to leave the party to die somewhere safer. If she could cure her tadpole, maybe she could live on, somewhere safer than Baldur's Gate. And it would be a good use for the money and wealth he had, rather than leaving it all to rot. It wasn’t like Tara would really be able to use it, after all.

But he digressed. Devi was too young for him to pursue romantically, too vibrant, too lively to tie herself to a damned man. In another life, if they had ever even crossed paths, they would never have given each other a second thought (unless Devi had identified him as a pickpocketing target… which, Gale knew she would have targeted him in a heartbeat.). Even if he hadn't been damned, they were in entirely different social circles. Imagine the scandal, if he were to return to Waterdeep with an uneducated, uncouth, younger Baldurian thief, and one who could swear like a well-educated mercenary at that, as his lover! 

Gale grinned for a moment, imagining the reactions of some of his more class-conscious peers. His amusement faded with a sigh as he looked back down at Devi. You don't deserve as grim a fate as tying yourself to me would give you, he thought. You're too alive and hopeful to bind yourself to a broken, damned man. In another life, one where he wasn't a walking explosive, he might have still taken her to bed, trying to perhaps prove that being this much older than her just meant he was more experienced with pleasing a lover. And he was pretty certain he had pleased Mystra when he was the goddess’s lover – he could have wowed Devi with his command of the Weave in bed. He had already impressed her with their magic lesson after the tiefling party, and that had been tame! What he could have done behind a sound dampening ward to blow her away and make her cry out his name in bliss, over and over again…

Speaking of blowing away, he firmly turned his thoughts away from the idea of bedding Devi, thinking about spell incantations instead. The orb rumbled in his chest, but remained calm for the moment as his heart settled back down.

With another sigh, he stroked Devi's hair back from her face again. Where will your mind take you tonight? Will you dream of me? You really shouldn't – I'm a dead man walking. You deserve better than a broken heart. Although, wasn't he bold, to think that Devi might care for him the way he did her? What could he possibly offer her besides his knowledge of the arcane? He was doomed twice over – once from the illithid tadpole, and once from his own idiocy. She at least still had a chance at a normal life once she was cured of the tadpole. 

Tomorrow, he decided, he would start trying to distance himself from her. It would hurt her in the short term, and it would be agony for him, but it was for the best. She deserved better than to develop affections for a man who had nothing before him but an explosive death. Maybe he could subtly point her in the direction of Wyll – the warlock, despite his devilish appearance, was a good man. He was certainly a better man than the wizard who had tried to advance himself beyond mortal limitations to impress a goddess – and even with Wyll’s pact to a devil, he had a hope for a future beyond a destructive death alone. And he was younger, and handsome, and full of life and vigour, and could crack a joke to make even Devi groan while she was laughing…

Gods, this was already breaking Gale's heart.

But Devi would be happy with Wyll. Or maybe Shadowheart, if Wyll didn’t strike her fancy – the two half-Elves seemed to have a close connection already. Even if Shadowheart was a Sharran, Devi didn't seem to think less of her for it. Or Karlach, as boisterous and friendly as she was, would be a good match for the feisty little thief.

None of them were a depressed middle-aged wizard who had already exceeded his potential and his usefulness to Faerûn. 

Gale sighed yet again and started to roll away from Devi onto his side, trying to get some sleep. In the morning he would talk to Devi, and see if the thief would be receptive to the idea of spending her nights apart from him. Certainly, she would be upset at first – Gale fully expected to get slapped. But she had to see the logic eventually, right? She was more than smart enough, even if she was uneducated –

At his side, Devi softly moaned in protest of his movements. Her hand reached up, grabbing his shirt and pulling him down on his back again. Before Gale could do anything, the little half-Elf wrapped her arm around his stomach and settled her head on his chest, squirming until she was comfortable. Once she was satisfied with her human pillow, she sighed and draped her leg over his before she fell fully back to sleep, peacefully lost in her dreams.

Shit. This was not doing a damn thing to help Gale reconcile himself to letting go of her. She felt so damn good beside him, warm and snuggly, tucked under his arm where she belonged. How in the Nine Hells was he supposed to separate himself from her when she did things like this to him? His heart twisted in his chest at how serenely innocent she looked. She trusted him enough to sleep with him, even with the orb in his chest that could kill them all in an instant. Hells, she was sleeping on him now, only inches from the ugly markings he bore!

And she didn't seem to be bothered by that in the slightest.

“Why do you do this to me?” Gale whispered to the woman at his side. Giving up, he wrapped his arm around her, holding her closer to him. Was it his imagination, or did a little smile flicker over her lips as she felt him embrace her? He inwardly groaned – there was no way he could force himself to let go of her, or make her let go of him, when she so effortlessly held his heart in her hands. He was dooming her, every night that he slept with her, every time he read a book for her, every time he gave her a kind word or a smile or a gentle touch.

She would never let go of him in the way she needed to, in order to save herself from him and his grim fate. And Gale knew she would only call him a “self-destructive hopeless idiot”, or something similar, and cling tighter to him if he tried to talk to her about this and make her see sense.

Was she wrong, though?

Frustrated, Gale closed his eyes again and tried to will himself to sleep. Perhaps in the morning, he could think of a way to gently turn Devi from him and to a partner who actually had a future. It would break his heart, but it was better than dragging her down with him.

But maybe he could allow himself one more night of holding Devi against his heart and wishing he could safely confess his love for her. He sighed, forcing himself to resist the urge to kiss her hair, or her forehead, or those perfect lips. If he started kissing her even innocently right now, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop, not until the orb ended him. But gods, he wished he could… He could have died happy while kissing her, but it wasn't worth the risk he posed to everyone else in a ten-mile radius. Nobody else deserved to die while he indulged himself in kissing the woman he wanted – especially not the woman in question.

He sighed, shifting as much as he dared until he was comfortable under Devi. His other hand came up to slowly card his fingers through her loose hair, a soothing motion that made her contentedly hum in her sleep. Dammit, Devi, he thought, you make it too easy for me to love you.

That thought made him blink his eyes open again. Was this…? He thought for a moment, then sighed. Yes – this was love he felt for the woman in his arms. This was adoration, and devotion, and more than a bit of strongly-denied lust. He wanted her in every way possible – emotionally, and in spirit, and yes, physically too. 

But he wanted her safe and happy, even more than he wanted her with him. If you really love her, then you have to let her go, he tried to tell himself. Doesn't she deserve better than to be with you? Wyll would make her happy.

But what if she doesn't want Wyll? What if–

He firmly shut down the little voice in his mind before it could make the suggestion that maybe the woman in his arms wanted him. Nobody with any sense would want the older, broken, damned man that he was.

Then again, just that day, Astarion had been very enthusiastic in telling Devi that she had no sense, or self-preservation instincts, whatsoever…

Shut up. He scowled, then tugged the blankets up a little higher over himself and Devi. Just go to sleep. With any luck, Devi will see the truth herself without any prodding. And if she doesn't… it will hurt, but it will save her in the long term to break from her.

He sighed, then settled in to sleep, savouring what he was determined would be his last night holding the woman he loved.

—

Only a couple of hours later, Gale awoke to the sound of a whimper. He opened his eyes, frowning into the darkness of his tent until he heard a stifled sob from the half-Elf in his arms. He mumbled the incantation for a light cantrip, looking at Devi with anxiety spiking in his chest.

She didn't appear to be hurt. But her brow was furrowed as if she was in pain, and she was shaking. “Stop…” she whispered, flinching from something only she could see. “Please…”

Worried, Gale gently shook her shoulder. “Devi,” he lowly said, softly calling her name. “You're dreaming. You need to wake up.”

Devi didn't seem to hear him. She flinched again as though she'd been struck. “No,” she begged whoever was tormenting her. “You're hurting me!”

Gale shook her again, fear making the motion a little harder. “Devi,” he spoke her name again, a little louder. “Wake up, darling. I have you – you're safe. Wake up.”

His words didn't seem to be getting through. Devi whimpered again, her fingers tightening in Gale's shirt. “Please… help me… stop!” Her next words made Gale's heart twist in his chest. “No! Not Gale! Please!”

“Shhhh.” Gale shook her again and pressed his lips to her hair. “It's all right, darling. You're safe. Wake up now.” He lowered his lips to her ear as she whimpered again. “Wake up, Devi. You're safe… you're safe. I promise. Wake up. Wake up!”

Devi's twitching and flinching finally slowed, then stopped as Gale kept kissing her hair and whispering soothing reassurances to her. He finally felt her clutch his shirt a little tighter as she turned her head up to him. “Gale?” she whispered, her voice tiny and broken.

“I'm here,” Gale murmured, relief washing through his veins. “I have you. You're safe – it was just a dream, dear one. You're perfectly safe.”

“Oh, gods.” Still shaking, Devi buried her face in the crook of Gale's neck, clinging to him. “You were… you were…”

“Shhh,” Gale whispered. “I'm here.” He took her hand, guiding it to rest over his beating heart so she could feel his pulse. “I’m here. You’re all right – and so am I. Just breathe.” He heard a little sob from the woman he was holding, and felt his heart break for her. “Shhh. Breathe with me, Devi. Can you feel me breathing?” He waited until she nodded into his neck. “That’s my girl. Breathe with me, darling.” He focused on taking slow, calming breaths to make his chest move enough for her to easily feel him. For the first few breaths, Devi couldn’t quite match his slow breathing – stifled sobs made her body jerk unevenly under his arm. But as the minutes passed, she seemed to find his rhythm with breathing, her inhales slowly coming to match his as she calmed down from her nightmare. 

“Thank you,” she finally mumbled, slowly pulling her face out of his neck. There was a suspicious wetness on her cheeks that told Gale she’d been crying into his skin; indeed, he could feel her tears on him. “I’m sorry–”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” Gale murmured, stroking his thumb over her cheekbone. He offered her a small, reassuring smile. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Devi started to shake her head, then hesitated, fidgeting with the hem of the blanket. “I… told you how my father’s a gods-damned bastard that not even the hells want?” she asked, her voice low and quiet. 

Gale nodded. “You’ve told me he’s a terrible person and you plan on dancing on his grave when he dies,” he softly answered. “Or using his grave for a latrine. Perhaps both.”

Devi made a little sound that Gale thought was trying to be a laugh, a laugh mingled with a sob. “He deserves it. He and his friends, they…” She took a shaky breath, not looking at Gale’s face. “They were hurting me, and then they… they decided to hurt you when you appeared in the dream — I think you were trying to save me? But they… gods, the things they did…” 

“Shhh.” Gale pulled Devi’s face back into the crook of his neck; she went to him willingly, clinging to him. “We’re both all right – there’s nothing to be afraid of in this tent.” Except the orb, and the tadpoles, and the threat of the Absolute, and the small-but-still-present risk that Mystra would simply spontaneously detonate the orb in Gale’s chest to kill him and everyone around him – Gale shook his head. “We’re safe here. Nobody can hurt you when I’m here to protect you.” 

“They hurt you,” Devi mumbled. “They were hurting you, and they were going to kill you, and–”

“Shhh. It was just a bad dream, darling. I’m entirely unhurt, and so are you.” Gale hesitated for a moment, then chuckled. “And you can tell your subconscious that I don’t fear a thief and his henchmen. I might be outnumbered, but I would make them regret facing me before falling.”

Devi trembled again in his arms. “You couldn’t fight,” she whispered, quiet enough that Gale almost couldn’t hear her. “You… you were trying to save me. If you had fought them… they would have hurt me more.”

Apparently Devi’s subconscious knew Gale well enough to know that this was a truth about him. If that nightmare had been reality… Gale knew he would have stopped fighting the instant it became clear that his resistance would have endangered the woman he loved. “Shhh,” he murmured, stroking her hair. “It was just a dream. Your father can’t hurt either of us here.” 

He felt Devi slowly nod, but she still clung to him, shaking like a leaf. He suspected that she was probably too scared to easily go back to sleep. With a grunt, he reached out for the book they had been reading earlier that evening – or rather, that he had been reading to her. Nudging the lights to where he could more easily see the pages, he opened the book back where they had left off. “Shall I try to get your mind back onto a more soothing subject?” he asked. At her hesitant nod, he kissed her hair again, then started quietly reading the next chapter. The halfling and dwarves had been caught by ogres, and were being argued over by said ogres who couldn’t decide how to cook them properly. It was one of Gale’s favourite scenes in the book, and Devi seemed to be entranced by the story normally. Indeed, she seemed to calm down as he read to her, shifting from having her face buried in his neck, to resting her cheek on his shoulder. 

As Gale came to the end of the chapter, he looked down to see Devi’s eyes closed and her lips slightly parted again, her breathing soft and slow. He wasn’t sure when she had fallen asleep again, but he was grateful that she had found rest. Careful to not disturb her, he replaced the bookmark in the pages, then set the book back down and extinguished the lights over their heads. Devi grunted as he slowly rested on the pillow again, then snuggled up as closely as she could to him.

Gale sighed softly, running his hand over her hair soothingly. Apparently this was the gods’ way of foiling his plan to break apart from Devi before anything could begin with them. Who else was going to cuddle the little half-Elf after her nightmares? Who else would read to her to get her mind off her fear again? Try as Gale might, he couldn’t imagine Devi snuggling up so closely to Wyll, or Shadowheart, or Karlach, or any of their other friends in the party. For some reason, she had chosen Gale, doomed and damned as he was.

Guilt and hope surged in equal amounts in his heart – guilt because he was dragging Devi down with him, and hope because maybe he wasn’t quite as broken and useless as he believed himself to be. Maybe Devi saw something in him that he couldn’t see or acknowledge himself.

It would have been easier if she didn’t see anything in him, he thought. 

He yawned and let himself cuddle Devi closely, doing his best to make sure she felt protected and safe in his arms. “No harm will come to you if I can help it,” he promised her in a whisper. “You are safe with me.” Closing his eyes, he rested his cheek on her hair and let himself fall back asleep, praying that Devi’s dreams for the rest of the night (and his, he supposed) would be peaceful.

If you dream of me again, dear one… dream of the happiness that I can’t give you in reality. Please don’t dream of either of us suffering for the other, he thought before sleep reclaimed him.

#bg3 #bg3 fic #gale x tav #tav x gale #slow burn #pining #yearning #Gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #gale #angst #hurt/comfort #Gale/Devi #Deviali #dreams #nightmares #definitely requited feelings #a bit of the Dramatic Oh #Gale you angst-ridden wizard #QUIT MAKING ME CRY WHILE I WRITE FIC ABOUT YOU #also I swear this was going to be a prompt answer? #but I can't find the prompt in my inbox #ugh #Gale is an angsty dork #but we love him anyway

[p4nishers]

random hc but. crowley being a plague doctor in the 16th/17th century bc he's supposedly "tempting people into death" but he can never, ever bring himself to actually do that so he ends up soothing their pain as best as he can and comforting them in their last moments. one night, after he held a little girl's hand as she passed away, he sits down at the banks of the river thames, with his plague mask discarded on the dirt, and he starts out over the water with tears in his eyes, wondering what the fuck is actually the point? it's not the first time he's asked himself the question nor the first plague he witnessed but, here, now after personally witnessing hundreds of deaths every day, he really wonders what actually is the point of him? why does he exist and why should he keep existing. why does he get to live when so many others don't? how is that fair? how is any of it fair? that's how aziraphale finds him, as he just got back from an assignment somewhere or other and hears crowley is in town, so he discreetly looks for him and finds him there, sitting in the dirt, now with his head in his hands, his shoulders silently shaking and is obviously immediately worried but doesn't know how to comfort him or what's allowed so he just sits beside crowley and watches him try to pull himself together. aziraphale's heart breaks, he put what happened together from the mask and the robes and he obviously knows about the bubonic plague but was convinced it was hell's doing and couldn't have even imagined crowley was out there everyday, helping people under the guise of hurting them. is he surprised? no, of course not but it still hurts to see crowley like this. but he's afraid to cross their unspoken rules so he quietly waits crowley out. he watches the water and doesn't dare look at crowley as he lifts his head and takes a few shaky breaths in. after a few minutes of breathing, crowley croaks out "her name was mary" and nothing else, and aziraphale understands, god he understands. it's one of the things they never speak about after it happens but aziraphale can't forget the night he sat with crowley for hours, till the sun came up, as he cried about a death of one little girl. he holds it close to his chest and never, ever forgets.

#neither does crowley. he should've been cast out the second he put that mask on cause he'd never be able to do what they wanted him to but #aziraphale would never ever say a word about this and crowley didn't even have to ask him. crowley remembers how just for a few moments #aziraphale let himself brush crowley's hair out of his eyes tenderly and yearns for smth he will never have #ugh the longing the yearning. 's too much #this came to me at like 2:33 am as i was tryna fall asleep with my little azicrow fantasies and i had this idea for a painting of this scen #and i sketched it in my notes app then was like fuck it and went to sketch it on paper and now here we are #idk if this is coherent and idk if i care #also this was kinda inspired 'and in the waking world we wait and we want' which is a dreamling fic BUT hob was a plague doctor for a while #there and anyway i think about that fic once a day so i randomly steal ideas from that like bro the historical knowledge that fic has??? #INSANE. the history nerd in me goes crazy every time i reread it it's so so so good #anyway i went off track there ill leave whatever this is here #good omens #good omens headcanons #crowley #aziraphale #good omens 2 #azicrow #also i dont claim im a writer in any way shape or form im just slightly insane so ignore how awkward this is

[eerna]

The Oleander Sword is so good. literally feeling like kicking my feet and giggling rn. what happened to Tasha Suri in that year between book 1 and book 2

#book 1 was fine. book 2 is so friggin good i can't stop reading. i feel like a sponge taking it all in #bhumika is bhumika but like ten times more herself and i am screaming. malini finally found a proper manipulate girlboss stride. #even PRIYA who was SO BORING in book 1 is making me lose my marbles. like i wont lie when she became an elder i was like ugh nooooooooo #but it was the absolute best decision ever her trying to rise from a maidservant to the second most important person in the country by #totally blowing off the politics and instead being some sort of a forest wizard is AMAZING #and the yEARNING. FINALLY. THE YEARNING IS HERE. i was SO BORED by the romance in book 1 but THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT I WANT. #malini trying to balance her controlling tendencies that are needed more than ever with treating priya properly. #no one figuring out why the godly ordained empress is letting that weirdo waltz around traitorously. #the two of them constantly being on edge bc WHAT IF SOMEONE FIGURES IT OUT. OH MY. THAT WOULD BE SUPER BAD. #AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE YAKSA AND THEIR SECOND COMING. BRO. THE WAY I SCREAMED. THIS IS SO COOL. #anyway i am only 40% through i am praying the book stays this slaying bc i am living for this #eernatalk

[moonchild-in-blue]

*slides a 20 across the table*

Please, please, Mr. Token, add Telomeres to your setlist. The world needs to see iv shred that solo.

#Telomeres guitar solo is so ~tender and yearning at 3am on a friday night~ #imagine iv playing that. IMAGINE #he's so suave and slick as is #i could not survive him playing in cursive like that #and the drums are just so unnecessarily incredible ugh #anyways. we're feeling soft and tender in this house #sleep token

[topnotchquark]

whats cele up to while pecco is poisoned he was sent away for protection right

Imo before Pecco's upcoming coronation Cele is doing his own thing. And he has the full freedom to do so. Vale of course gets him lessons in combat and politics and languages etc etc and Cele kinda half heartedly does them because he is required to. Pecco is a doting brother, won't let Cele be too bothered by shit that doesn't intrest him, will happily make every sacrifice so his brother gets to have a relatively normal life. Pecco goes out of his way to protect him from the elders that want Cele to stick to royal protocol or whatever. Cele loves to study farming, knows a lot about irrigation and crops in the region. And he loves tending to the horses. Luca and Cele develop an unlikely friendship where Luca appreciates Cele's interests and how headstrong he is. Luca occasionally takes Cele along for land surveys. Often times Cele finds Pecco and Luca talking and sits with them and they let him and he doesn't say much but just listens. He loves how his brother is smart and dutiful and never cruel and talks to Luca about the boring horrendous stuff of politics with sincerity and genuine insight.

Cele is ofc taking care of the horses when he meets Bezz for the first time. Trying to get a Mare back to good health after a small injury. Bezz loves racing horses back home (small neighbouring Kingdom that is loyal to Vale). He comes over and talks to him and they speak extensively about horses. Later Bezz and Cele meet again at the dinner where Bezz's family are guests. Bezz is like, o that strange stable boy is actually Pecco's brother. And he likes that Cele is equally aloof in both situations. In the beginning Bezz's visits to the kingdom aren't very frequent. One day he brings his favourite horse to meet Cele and they go for a ride. They go fast and Cele has to hold onto Bezz and later Bezz drops cele back safely and they walk around in the lawns after dark and Bezz takes Cele's hand. Bezz is nervous and doesn't know what he's doing and Cele is looking at him with his big dark eyes equally unaware of what they should be doing except of course keep holding hands. Post that Bezz keeps coming back frequently but neither realise why they want to be around each other all the time lol.

Anyway, the whirlwind of the poisoning(™️) and it's aftermath would be crazy for Cele. One day he was with the horses and they were preparing for the big day and he was looking forward to Bezz's visit and how he would stay for a bit longer this time and then next he was being urgently summoned to Vale's chambers, told that his beloved brother has been poisoned and before he could have a chance to process or even look at Pecco Vale told him he needs to go somewhere safe. Cele protested but Vale refused to hear it. He was sent away with no return date specified. Imo he's sent somewhere north. Cold and desolate. Some cold stone castle, long way from the fields of home where he used to tend to horses. The same fields where he held hands with Bezz and occasionally rested his head on Bezz's shoulder. He'd spend days missing Bezz. His emotions jumbled between the idea of losing his brother, his last family forever, and how much he wants Bezz here with him to hold and touch.

Eventually Cele would develop a friendship with the old lady that owns the castle, some noble woman who made contributions to the royal court back in the day. Cele takes care of her horses and helps plan the crops in her estate. She tells Cele about his parents, who she knew. And she tells him about Vale and Uccio. Something would of course make Cele suspicious, something about things not adding up from the past, something uccio told him while bragging about something unrelated that didn't add up. Anyway, Cele can't communicate with Vale because he doesn't want the message to get intercepted. One day he's out in the cold and Luca comes to visit him. It's dark. They talk for a while. Compare notes. Luca tells him he suspects the same as Cele. Tells him about the efforts to find an antidote for Pecco. They realise how cautious they will need to be and how difficult this might prove. Cele asks about Bezz. Luca looks at him with a mixture of sympathy and curiosity. Luca tells him Bezz has been in a foul mood and missing him. Cele requests to meet Bezz. Luca wants to say no because of the risk involved. But he thinks about how miserable it's been since Pecco had that horrible thing happen to him. How Cele has been alone and away from home. More importantly Luca thinks about what it means to have someone you love be separated from you. And he doesn't want Cele to feel that unnecessary misery of separation.

A few days Cele is in the castle reading something when someone starts chucking pebbles at his window. He looks down and it's Bezz, standing in the cold, surrounded by fresh snow that descended at night. Á la this Angela Barrett illustration (literally cele in my mind's eye)

Cele runs out and right into Bezz's arms, Bezz who is so cold after his travel. Bezz doesn't even realise he's crying till he feels his hot tears roll down his face that almost frozen. Cele has his face in the crook of Bezz's neck. Bezz takes his face in both his hands and they are kissing for the first time and it's intense and messy.

Luca and Bezz decided to travel here quietly because Luca needs certain information if he wants to talk to Vale with all his claims. Meanwhile Bezz and Cele don't let go of each other. Bezz tell him of the fact that one of his mares gave birth and the foal is healthy and that he's taking care of the horses till Cele can finally come back. Cele can't stop smiling, hugging, kissing Bezz and they are thinking of a name together for the new born horse.

Cele and Bezz get a day together where they don't stop touching each other for a single second and Luca manages to get more information and of course eventually things get better and Pecco is revived and Bezz and Cele of course elope and get married and keep it a secret from everyone for a while and like yea they are madly in love!

#big fan of yearning #but I think Cele isn't a classic yearner #Luca isn't a classic yearner either #they are more get off their ass and keep themselves preoccupied and build a physical monument to their yearning type #bezz and pecco are classic yearners #get sick when separated from beloved type #makes for a great contrast! #ask me about it #sorry it took me so long to finish this I was distracted :( #i love asks but I'm so slow ugh #anyway!!!!! come and talk to me about it! #celestino vietti #Marco Bezzechi #cele #bezz #cele/bezz #bezz/cele #pecco/luca #royalty au #motogp rpf

[mamawasatesttube]

i keep thinking there are people on here i would love to like. add on discord and actually talk to more. but then i think to myself well i should wait until i can get my meds so im actually feeling better and more up to being social. but at this point that's not happening for another few weeks at the least so uugghghghghhh.

#this is also slightly compounded by this being a sideblog like jskdjs i sure hope people know das me #but. ugh. yeah #debating if id want to make a server in which to lowkey hang out in a group setting or something. #or if i should just keep sitting here with sad wet pathetic beast eyes yearning for the days when i had the energy to talk to people more #like part of me wants to be like so mutuals if we've talked ever and you don't mind me being exhausted and often late to respond...! #bc i DO want to talk to friends and interact and be social. however the horrors (chronic illness) persist #SIGHS. anyway that's what's going on here re me being slow to answer messages and things on occasion + not always participating in stuff #probably tbd? just complaining at this point im a tired little man

[poems-of-a-lover]

i am soooo sleepy someone should give me their hoodie and mayhaps a little forehead kiss

#i slept very well but still im sleepy after waking up anyway #its all sunny out too but its still freezing bc its pretty early #also i just cant wait to have someones hoodie or shirt or just any clothes that belong to them. ugh. idk thats a big thing for me. #especially being able to wear something that belongs to them out in public #its so sweet to me and im a big hoodie guy so id love to hand one over to someone <3 #mlm #mlm yearning #mlm post #mlm love #gay mlm #trans mlm #mlm blog #t4t #mlm thoughts

[uruhasbubble-tea]

this is perhaps one of the most beautifully woven segments of prose i've read in the past few years.

like... if you can't feel the yearn breaking the fourth wall that's a you problem.

if you're not aware of this fic existence, you're truly missing out.

#sleep token #imagine being a god and you got overshadowed by your own mouthpiece ksjdhdh #anyway. ugh. I'm sorry that i yearn for you............. sorry that I yearn... #this gonna get worse and im so ready (shes not) #mea culpa my beloved #vessel #biblically accurate vessel description

[d2fybwvzdcbyzwdhcmrz]

I am actually deeply and profoundly lonely and also losing my mind but shh it’s a secret

#unrequited pining #sapphic love #lesbian pining #wlw longing #help help help #how do I even tag this #I think it is not good that my entire mental state depends on if she comes off as wanting to talk to me today or not #like it’s a problem #she doesn’t even know how bad this is #ugh im in love #ugh I want to explode #crush on best friend #nevermind crush isn’t a strong enough word #im actually insane #to yearn always sounded too delicate to me. whatever I experience is much more disgusting #I think that’s how the quote goes #anyway u get it

[laomelettedufromage]

Note to myself so I can articulate some stuff out of my brain this evening:

There is a future waiting for you where you will get to see and make new memories with the loved ones you miss that you’ve had to leave behind for the moment and there’s a future where you’ll make many more new lifelong loved ones. It seems so very and annoyingly far away right now but it’s waiting and you will get there. There’s a future where you’ll get to live with old and new loved ones where movie nights are common place and casual nights out and other hangouts and field trips are as expected as you like. Life will still be hard but it won’t be lonely. There will be people who will let you lay on the floor of their bedroom and complain and will come to yours to do the same and they will be within walking distance, either down the hall or down the street. It won’t happen today or in a month or maybe even in three years but it’s there.

#okay to reblog #don’t mind me just yearning #im sure others can resonate lmao #by yours truly the omelette of cheese #affirmations #I do love the people I know here but they’re always so busy #I miss having roommates #I miss my college friends #I miss having a friend who’s always down to do almost anything at almost any time #I miss MOVIE NIGHTS #god I miss movie nights #I’m not drowning here but I’m also not thriving #and I know if I put in more effort I could definitely find a community here but… ugh yknow? #anyways I stay yearning #my brain just really got into a pit about it today and I’m having a hard time getting it out #so I’m hoping writing some affirmations down and releasing it into the void will help :P #it’s weird I’m just havin a moment today #me and one of my aroace friends were talking about QPRs and the future we want #and I had some evening plans canceled on me #and I’m missing some people #and it’s all cumulating into my brain being like ‘heys let’s obsess over the people you miss and your jealousy and the future you want’ #which like cool but then it gets in a PIT about it and won’t let me move on #and if I do move on I feel like I’m forgetting something Important #and so it’s a very obsessive and kinda exhausting thing?? #not at all productive either tbh #anyways I’ll cook dinner after posting this and eat and hopefully feel better #and get set Back To Normal

[ratgirlcopia]

does anyone else ever get real emo reading into dance macabre as copia's sincere and heartfelt desire to be the kid of two people who loved each other and had a beautiful nasty romance? and does anyone else spin that further into him believing that if his parents loved each other that much, then surely deep down they must love him too, if he's the result of that? and does anyone else think about that desperation while he's performing this really high-energy encore song with all the rainbow lights and confetti with these sad, sad lyrics about wanting something so badly and trying one more time, one last time?

#copiaposting #it's his song!! it's so His Song like that one just. belongs to him even more than rats does. imo. #like he has so much fun with it but the Implications are. oh they hurt me. #dance macabre is about this desperate doomed yearning for love and when copia performs it...it's Also That. But Different. you see??? #oh my god he just wants his parents to love him. i need to go smoke a chapstick to calm down. #dance macabre being after go-goat in the current setlist hurts. also. #the whole setlist hurts. he drags nihil before moac but then jumps into go-goat for the encore so enthusiastically. #that “ugh my dad sucks right? haha anyway i still want him to love me and be proud of me and acknowledge that i'm his.” like that. #god i need to stop unspooling this as if it's intentional story work but god. what if it is though.

[bangcakes]

.

#personal #once again yearning but not willing to do anything about it :))))))))) #i was FINE until i had to talk about it last night. i didnt Expect to talk about it. oh god oh god #but then HHHHHHH i hate that i talk about it so much. and i KNOE the answer is to just tell him i like him #or to ask him out but !!!!@@ #im not ready !!! #i need to get a job first. like im so serious Zbfjfjdjdjjd #bc if i tell him or ask him... REGARDLESS of his answer. o im gonna be distracted #and i will not have my future ruined by a guy. nooo fuckin WAY. #and like !!@@ hes working so much anyway. like we're talkin unpaid overtime #but hes hung out with me (and other ppl) twice regardless.... but still HDJDJDJFJ #ugh idk #im so tired of thinking about this #im worried i'll ruin my chances the more i dont act. but its like.... GOD IDK. i like him so much its like. debilitating ???????? #is that the right word idk #i just.... i think im not ready #and if he moves on then ok that sucks but then at least i'll have an answer....???? #god idek #and like one of my friends got asked out by 2 different guys n im like HFJFJJFJFJDJDJDJDJ #GOD. this man is never gonna ask me out. like i think hes Shy. im so. IDK. im also older. like. i think im gonna have to make th3 move #but i wanna be SURE about it. bc like relationships are scary #and i dont wanna start something im not ready for #im kinda hoping that things will happen 'naturally' like they have all along hhhhhhhh

[ethaninthewilde]

i wanna kiss him i wanna kiss him i wanna kiss him i wanna KISS H-

#you'll never know who this is about #hes literally just so fucking perfect ugh #hes in my BRAIN #please sir where your rent if ur gonna live there #alternatively just come over and kiss me #please #anyways #gay #queer #yearning

[b0ydyke]

they could make a lesbian fight club + superbad (= bottoms) but they couldn’t really make a lesbian ferris bueller’s day off. ferris bueller just has to exist as vague homoerotic queerbait in which the characters will never act upon their desires if they are to realize them at all + such desires are only visible to a select portion of viewers that have been oversaturated and turned off by excess annoying queer media and revert back to the classics does this make sense

#someone prove me WRONG. #edit butch ferris bueller with straight bisexual girlfriend (sloane) we like her + butch4butch cameron. @emma seligman get in on this #put them in san francisco instead of LA they skip school to go to the dyke bar #deftones plays instead of dream academy at the art museum scene #ruby cruz has a role #everything else 80s maybe 90s because i like the music generally ambiguous time period #no phones and they’ve never heard of lex/her sorry. also i want them older not in high school but u can’t really do a ferris bueller remake #that isn’t set in high school. hmm. like in the way euphoria should definitely be in college #but then again bottoms is high school UGH. #Cameron isn’t depressed for no reason hes like yearning for ferris it’s kind of ambiguous but we know. #but he’s also generally tortured and haunted and depressed anyway #umm shot on 35mm because i hate digital films usually.. and scope sometimes

[poems-of-a-lover]

i wanna lay in bed with a boy and watch a movie and hug him close as he combs thru my hair until i eventually fall asleep in his arms

#ugh im exhausted #my back hurts and my shoulders hurt and my legs hurt and my feet hurt and sjdfhsjkdfsd #im tired okay fhdsjkfs ive been up since like 9 and ive been cleaning ever since. it is 3 pm and i am ready to sleep. #todays been such a day man i dont wanna be perceived by anyone ever again #anyway <3 boys <33 #mlm #mlm yearning #mlm post #mlm love #gay mlm #mlm thoughts #trans mlm #mlm blog #t4t #t4t yearning

[catfuyus]

I just wanna say ! … I’ve been forced to interact with the coworker I have a crush on lately and…he called my personal cell…his voice 😵‍💫💕 HELP !

#noooo pleeeaaasee #why did he have to call me 😩😭😭 #his deep ‘hey’ #UGH JUST KILL ME NOW !!!! 😩💕💕😭💔 #just so everyone knows he has a girlfriend & is very off the market !! #but my heart … #it yearns…. 😩💔 #anyways #once this project is over I’m gonna go back to pretending he doesn’t exist !! #not writing just venting