#tw; depression

[arc-knights]

|| not to show my depression through art but sometimes it helps to express .

#;;ooc #;;my shitty art #rwby #jaune arc #ruby rose #tw; depression

[terrence-silver]

What do you think terry would do if he found his beloved crying in the mirror because they didn’t like the way they looked??

What's his reaction? Crinkled nose of anger. 👇🏻

Might just get straight into his beloved's face, trespassing the personal bubble to lecture them about it, pissed off as he would be. I mean, look at this --- it's in his habit, after all.

---

He likes how they look --- adores how they look, in fact.

And his opinion is just about the only one that matters and should matter.

But, fact is, Terry Silver's openly offended on beloved's behalf, and he is very likely to just downright...hotheadedly argue them that they're so very wrong and that he wont stand for this, lack of a better word, bullshit. Because that's what it is to him. It's bullshit. Did someone say something to them? Should he ensure someone's teeth gets kicked in? Who should he fire? Retaliate against? Should he be here concocting revenge? Against how many people? One? Two? Ten? Should he have his people track someone down? Set their house on fire as payback? Should he have every mirror in the mansion smashed with his own two fists? Should he do the opposite and have even more ordered and brought in so beloved has no choice but to, quite literally, face themselves everywhere they turn? Terry's willing to create an enemy out of this, purely to have who and what to decimate for beloved, hoping that in doing so, they'll see what he sees in them and nothing else, because that's the only accurate point of view to have --- but if this enemy simply stems from beloved's own mind and internal insecurity and no place else, he takes on the approach of a Sensei and coaches and wears them down with some very adamant pep talks and counsel, aggressively at that, until they pretty much have to capitulate and accept they're beautiful because Terry Silver's a difficult person when he wants to be and he wont let this issue go until they do. He won't let this issue go until he wins.

Until their thoughts, outlook and views match his.

Man's gonna force motivation on beloved, whether they like it or not.

Might even come off as a bit insensitive with how he tackles the problem initially, but that's merely because Terry's likely to be so infuriated that beloved thinks they're ugly or in some way lacking (and by extension, insulting themselves and him through it as well --- insulting his good taste and ability to choose only the best) that he can't exactly approach the issue in a tremendously gentle manner, because he doesn't approach stupid conclusions in a gentle manner. This is an issue that beloved has to let him burry and burn if they don't want it spiraling out of control.

Not to mention --- it's downright dangerous for beloved to do anything but.

Because someone might just innocently get hurt seeing as how Terry absolutely won't sit down until he doesn't find and discover who or what is responsible for making beloved feel this way and might even wrongly someone's that they've been disrespecting his beloved and giving them wry looks continuously to have resulted in this complex purely so he could take his anger out somewhere --- anywhere. Safe to say Terry Silver takes beloved belittling themselves in any way extremely to heart and he feels more impassioned on the subject than beloved themselves.

Beloved tears ain't for free. Very expensive, in fact.

Priceless.

Someone's gotta pay dearly for them.

#terry silver #kk3 #cobra kai #tw; depression #tw; issues with appearance #tw; body image #terry silver x reader #terry silver x beloved

[ajokeformur-ray]

GOOD personal news!!!! (I am Proud™️ of myself)!!!!!

So, okay. I am slightly hesitant to share this in case it's only temporary, but @darklylucid very kindly told me to share it because it's good news and it's something to be proud of!!!❤️

TW; talks of negative anti-depressant side effects and me being irresponsible with prescribed medication, mentions of nausea and bad periods, mentions of health anxieties such as being sick as a result of medications and self-starvation (it's all because meds made me feel so sick I couldn't eat etc.), talks and discussions of stress, anxiety, depression and cognitive behavioural therapy, talks of doctors visits, one mention of covid boosters and bad side effects from that, one mention of passive suicidal ideation, this is a positive post but please read with caution if anything in this tw paragraph may upset or offend you!

I started therapy for my stress and severe anxiety five weeks ago. When I started, my anxiety and depression scores were both at 21/21. I was, essentially, a walking anxiety attack experiencing passive suicidal ideation.

Today, two weeks after uni officially started and five weeks after starting therapy, I scored 12/21 for both anixety and depression for the third week in a row, meaning both have improved to being moderate without medication!!!

(We all remember the absolute fear surrounding that fiasco and I still say medication wasn't the right treatment plan for me. I do have a prescription but I never picked it up and I won't pick it up because of how bad the physical side effects were. The nausea got so bad I was actively starving myself for seven weeks because I couldn't eat anything, while in the middle of end of year assignments and my job pulling me in for overtime constantly. My health anxiety, generalised anxiety and lifestyle couldn't sustain it. Everyone told me to "give it time", but after seven weeks of the worst periods I've ever had in my life and of constant nausea, I couldn't take it anymore so I quit my medication cold turkey without consulting my doctor. The medication was hurting me and not even working; I felt worse physically and mentally and my anxiety was still there, except I also felt like a zombie. I was offered a different medication but I never picked up the prescription for it out of fear that this would continue, since all SSRIs have the same side effects. I have told my therapist this and though she doesn't know any details beyond "I don't want to take it", she supports my decision. A week after I stopped my medication, my periods returned to normal and the nausea disappeared, my appetite came back and I felt better. I refuse to try again and have decided to focus on my therapy as the treatment plan. Medication isn't right for me and that's okay.)

I don't know if this improvement in my anxiety and depression is because of the therapy or because I now wake up at 3am to study before I go to work, which means that I study when I am fresh and well-rested, go to work, then come home and only have to relax, which means more free time. This decreases my stress, which lowers my anxiety and therefore improves my depression (my anxiety was so severe it caused the depression; they are not two separate conditions in my case), and means I can eat and sleep better and more.

The lifestyle switch and therapy both started at the same time, so I can't say for sure which has led to the improvement in my mental well-being, but I find myself not caring all that much. I am healing, I am doing well, I have had one anxiety attack in the last month, and that's... the news I wanted to share. My hair is gorgeous, I am eating and sleeping well, I am happier, healthier, I am not behind in uni, therapy is helping me... I'm not perfect, that would mean I don't exist, but I am healing and in a good place right now. I'm not sure if this is temporary, since uni has just started and I won't know until Christmas since that's when they throw us in at the deep end with the syllabus, but I still wanted to share this news.

I didn't think I could handle therapy, uni and my job at the same time, let alone looking for work experience in the mental health sector, but here I am, doing what I thought I couldn't, and dare I say it... I'm happy. I caught myself smiling while brushing my hair this morning, and apart from a few weeks ago when the covid booster gave me chest pains for a week, I can't remember the last time I had a tight chest due to stress and/or anxiety.

I can't thank you all enough for your friendships, encouragement, love, support, comments, asks... you've all helped me so so much, you do help me, and now I'm feeling better, I'm going to be looking at focusing on writing again. Especially since I'm not sure if this is temporary or not - but I feel hopeful for the future and for myself, for the first time in... a decade or so. I think I'm gonna be okay and right now, at least, I'm proud of myself.❤️

#tw; irresponsible with medication #tw; anxiety #tw; depression #tw; self-neglect #tw; not eating #tw; sickness #tw; health anxiety #tw; covid booster #tw; passive suicidal ideation

[shiroi---kumo]

( @aquaticsoul ) ->

🛠️ +

"Pikkuveli?"

"I know. They'll go to him if anything happens. I promise."

He remembers the conversation more often than he'd like to. He remembers her far clearer than he thinks he probably should given how much time has passed, but he also supposes it would be impossible to forget the other half of himself.

He still finds himself wishing that comfortable presence would settle at his right side again. He still finds himself distant, longingly looking for her missing half that had by chance and miracle formed distinctly next to his.

The last pieces of her take the shape of an earring and a necklace. And he knows what he needs to do with that earring, that bind, yet he hesitates to even disclose that he has it in his possession.

The right thing to do is the hard thing. The right thing to do is to give it to Pilvi, but the fact that it's one of two pieces left of her Mist makes it exceedingly difficult to part ways with.

Would she deliberate like this if it were him instead?

He ponders it as he finally puts the gem of blue and white back into its place on his ear. His eyes fall back to the necklace that he'd made for her, brilliant aqua hanging from a dark cord.

They did everything together for the longest time. They should both go to Pilvi together and surely that will make this process a bit easier. He tucks the necklace of aqua into the box where the earring of violet rests.

That looks much better.

The box snaps closed and slides back under his pillow. Cid enters before anyone else, likely to check on him for the thousandth time and ask once again if there's anything he can do.

Usually, Sielu always answers by shaking his head.

Not this time. He cuts straight to his point before the blond has time to even ask.

He'd been prepared for this possibility. He extends the paper he'd written on in the best Wonderlandian he could manage.

[ I am fine. Thank you. Could you get Kumo for me? Tell him it is important, before I make a coward of myself? ]

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ He had been on his way to check on his patient when he was met with straight answers. A note handed to him in messy handwriting and a request. A request for Kumo and he's sure somehow that it must be strange for them to call him as such, when he is coming to find quickly Kumo is not his name.

He was right this whole time when he heard Kaze call him Pilvi damn near a year ago. He was right this whole time but he didn't dare call him such a thing when Kumo hasn't given him permission to do so. He just needs to figure out when he's going to approach the subject.

There's a smile and a nod as indigo lifts to look at the Misterican of blue before him. He's finally working with him and he's finally speaking for himself - even if he still doesn't have the voice to do so.

"Oh, I don't know where he is exactly at the moment. Last I knew he was taking a bath, but I'll check to see if he's done for you."

The blond gives the - if this man was one of Kumo's teachers then he has to be older than him by quite a bit but he certainly doesn't look like he is - then again Kumo doesn't look very old either.... still he gives the older man a smile.

"I'll be back in a minute."

The engineer leaves to make his way towards the room that the swordsman has come to call his own and there a knock at the door before he cracks it open to see if he's sleeping perhaps. He seems to sleep so much nowadays and he still hasn't quite figured out why yet -

But he doesn't seem to be here? Perhaps he's still in the bath? He can always knock and just tell him to come when he's done. Sielu said it was important after all and he's not the one who needs to judge what a Misterican decides is important to another. So steps carry him down the halls but for some reason his stomach twists the further he goes.

Something suddenly just has his whole body feeling off and something in the air is tense and is that crying? The closer he gets the louder the sound becomes until he realizes it isn't crying it's Kumo crying. It has him taking off into a dead run until he finds himself in front of the door he was headed to anyway and he pushed the door open without invitation.

"Kumo I'm sorry to barge in you but are you o - "

Indigo fills with the sight of the half dressed man weeping into the arms of the smallest of the Amestrians but Kumo's back - Kumo's back was - what was all over Kumo's back? It looked like the scar -

"K- Kumo your back- What is - "

He can only stare in horror as his friend releases his hold on his other friend to push away from him and now he can see Kumo's chest as he comes to face him and it's ... the scars have spread out. His skin looks like ... like glass. Like he's shattering.

That's not possible.

People don't shatter.

Why does Kumo's skin look like glass? What is -

The shame that is plastered across the Misterican's face is hard to miss and it shatters his own heart upon seeing jade eyes look at him while filled with both so much shame and so much fear. Kumo looks terrified and suddenly the technician has forgotten all about the reason he came to get him in the first place.

"I'm sorry." The word sobs out as the swordsman just lets himself sink to set on the floor fully. "I'm sorry Cid. I was scared. I'll tell you everything. I love you. " He pauses to pull a breath between hurried words. "I love you. Please don't be mad. I love you so much. Please don't get mad at me. I was scared. I didn't want - to upset you but now I'm going to anyway. I'm sorry Cid. I swear I didn't mean any harm. I - "

"Kumo stop." The blond starts up again as he crosses the space between himself and his friend only to slowly come down to the floor and set in front of him. Gently does he take trembling hands into his own.

"I don't know what is going on, but we're going to get through this. We'll figure it out. You're not alone in this and I'm going to help you however I can, okay? But I need you to put your shirt on. Sielu is calling for you. He said it was important. We can talk later, alright? Will you come with me for him?"

There is a long intake of breath pulled up through a sniffling nose as a head of white nods. Bare hands wipe against his eyes in an attempt to clean himself up.

"Joo." He starts. "You can go and I'll be there in a minute. Just let me get dressed."

A soft smile first and the engineer moves to reach his arms forward for the first time in some time to wrap them around the weeping man in order to give him a quick embrace.

"I'll tell him you're on your way then."

And it doesn't take long to get back to the medical wing so that he can poke his head into the room where his patient waits. The blond is taking a seat for the moment giving him a smile.

"He was just getting out of the bath." He explains. "He said he'll be here once he's done getting dressed."

Reassurance and confirmation that he did the requested task and he wasn't just bullshitting the man but it makes him wonder how they will react to Kumo's back and chest. Do they know? Did he tell them? Knowing Kumo - probably not. He probably only told Kain.

There are footsteps a moment later as a body of white swings around the corner met with jade eyes still slightly pink from crying as pale lips stretch out into a false smile.

"You were calling for me, Opettaja?"

#ask || inquires of the technician #guest muse: cid #aquaticsoul #the conductor of my symphony || aquaticsoul #tw; death #tw; grieving #tw; injury #tw; illness #tw; depression #tw; panic #tw; long post

[chaoticallycosmic]

To all my lovely and fantastic writing partners;

Hi, I know it has been a long while since I have been active and replying to threads. The last time I made a post was a few weeks ago, and I am sorry I haven't communicated regularly.

There has been a lot going on with me and within my family, and I don't know how I am alive now. There have been significant losses in the family that have made my depression and anxiety significantly worse.

I also had some very terrifying health scares, and my job hasn't let down either, the stress of everything I have constantly been dealing with has made it very difficult to get on, and I am so sorry about that.

Yesterday, however, has been the most devastating so far. One of my dear cousins very unfortunately and sadly overdosed in the early morning hours, and it's been tough on the family.

So, I promise it has not been a lack of interest or muse; it has just been life throwing curveballs at me. You're all extremely talented. I still want to continue writing with all of you.

If you are still on board, I will attempt to reply to things to distract myself and keep myself busy. My therapist recommended I try to do things that make me happy, and writing does make me happy; it's just been hard to turn on the creative when dealing with loss. But I will be trying my best.

I hope you are all doing well, though. @stxrrynightc

@missautumn

@utterxdesires @midnightsaboteur @archxngxl @writermuses @loveofcharacters

#ooc; #tw; death #tw; depression #tw; drug abuse #tw; overdose #tw; anixety

[epic-arc]

Jaune Arc Limbo.. (Tw: Gore/Suicide try)

Jaune would have fallen in the ever after and in his fall his body had split into two personas one being the personification of the rusted knight and the other would be his normal face having to face his traumas...

???: Jaune jaune wake up we're going to miss class!

Jaune: Nora..?

Jaune would open her eyes and look to her right and see daughter-in-law but she would have a dead appearance her orange in her hair would be gone getting weak and her eyes would be empty and she would have scars from lightning and right after she would pick up jaune and take him running to beacon's classroom and he would see all his friends there and he would have an expression of fear and guilt seeing the state of each one. Ren would have something purple oozing from his mouth that looked like it was poison. Ruby would be without her eyes and with an arrow mark in the middle of her chest. Weiss would have a large hole in his abdomen. Blake would be missing one of hers ears. Yang was missing one of her legs and was doing and had burns on the body. Jaune seeing his friends in that state would make him having a panic attack he couldn't move right he was just scared and wanted to run away but he couldn't until he looked and he had chains on his arms and legs and in the middle of the room there was pyrrha and penny with a fake smile and jaune seeing that just started crying and he felt a grimm and human hand touch his shoulder.

Cinder: You were very useful jaune being the distraction for your friends for me to arrive and finalize them you are a good boy.

Jaune would try to speak and would have his mouth covered by a black tape he would only see cinder climb on the counter and aim an arrow at pyrrha's breastplate and shoot her causing her to fall dead on the ground which would make him scream but it was muffled and he would close his eyes but when he opened it he was on the platforms again and he would look to the side and there was the dead body of penny and jaune just got closer and just started crying.

Jaune: I-I can't do anything I just cause the death of those I love I'm sorry guys…

Jaune would take croceas mors and aim and close his eyes and go to stick it in his belly but stop after hearing some voices and he would look up and it was team rwby I reached out to him and he would stand and catch being pulled from that spot and he would just pull everyone into a hug and they would notice the cold whites in his hair and his body would be shaking so they would just come over and hug him.

( @pilot-boi HAPPY END)

#rwby #tw; depression #tw: suidice #tw:gore #jaune arc #pyrrha nikos #ruby rose #weiss schnee #lie ren #yang xiao long #blake belladonna #nora valkyrie #jaune limbo

[ronkeyroo]

TW; Themes of depression , Self loathing & Implication/mentions of self harm

It wasn’t her lycanthropy that made her feel like a monster, it was but her own damaged heart and inner demons.

And So she ran away - believing her very presence was a burden too heavy to carry, if only to protect her loved ones from her own demise - No matter how deeply she wanted to run back and crash into his embrace, no matter how deeply her heart yearned to accept his love.

#tw; depression #tw; self harm themes #Heavy themes #Ventart #Vilkas #werewolf oc #Werewolves #werewolf dovahkin #Dovahkin oc #I've been processing alot of heavy things yesterday...ones i felt most fitting to express through Ravens story #it wasnt easy...but im glad i did it #finding comfort through storytelling has been a healthy way to both express and reflect on it all #theres so much i have to say about this encounter and its backstory...But so much of it relates to my own personal struggles #lycanthropy and themes of self control/self hatred...its been weaved through Raven ever since her creation #its as though it goes hand by hand. mirroring one another #I chose vilkas for this scene because of how much she can relate to his own experiences #Ive always headcanond vilkas' lycanthropy taking a great toll on his mental health #enough to leave him with very similar conflicts of wanting to tear away at everything #its such a painful hc but i imagine he always wears bandages around his arms to hide away self harm caused by when he tries to #fight against his lycanthropy and the call of the blood #both Raven and Vilkas have such a complex background and I really wnat to see how they can work through it with their relationship #i believe there will be a part two leading for a more hopeful ending... ;; #these two have so much to godamn deal with and i just want them to find happiness together #im so sorry for dropping such hurt/angst on your feed...Ill make up for it when i can #theres still alot to this scene that has been left untold and i want to share on the hopeful/loving resolution that follows. #they love each other alot. and theyll get through this. they always do #skyrim art shenanigans #skyrim #tes #werewolf angst

[cffidelityy]

closed starter || @king-of-darkness

Seven years. It had been seven years since the worst day of Sigyn's life. She had lost everything on that ship, and while the pain was as close as it could be to numb now- there were times when the past still haunted her.

Like many of countless others, she had but one to blame for the death of her loved ones: Thanos. The Mad Titan had taken her husband, her son's. . . everything she held dear. It had taken everything in her not to slip into insanity so that she could take part in the fight for revenge, but of course, things did not go according to plan and seemed to only take a turn for the worst with the blip. She and Thor had done their best to try and be there for one another at first, but they eventually slipped into their own bouts of depression after settling in New Asgard. After several years of feeling nothing but sorry for herself and spending most of her days crying, Sigyn eventually threw herself into whatever she could find as a distraction.

She went to the support groups and did her best to help in the village, but it was never quite enough. Nothing could ever fully erase what she had seen. There were times when she could still hear the cracking of her husband's bones when the Titan snapped his neck the screams of her children as they were ripped from her arms, the pleas of people she could not save to heal them. It had been all too much to bear during those five years, and there was many a time in which she planned to take her own life- but never quite got the courage to go through with it as she knew that there were those out there who still needed her.

The only thing that gave her hope was the Ant-Man's plan, one she was still surprised worked in the end despite their losses. It was shortly after that battle that something happened to her that she would have never expected to happen in her wildest dreams. She met someone who somehow managed to help her move on.

It had been shortly after Thor's departure to explore space that she had been invited to study at the Sanctum Sanctorm in New York, and as she had no other ties. . . she took it. It was there that she met one Stephen Strange. While their relationship started out slow. . . He eventually managed to turn her broken world into something whole again.

While she had loved him till his dying breath, Loki had left her scarred in a way she'd never thought would heal. There had been very little left between them when they departed their dying realm and losing him in the way she did, and knowing that this time was permanent, left her utterly lost. If not for Stephen, she did not think she would have ever found her way.

Now, she found herself walking down the streets of New York, two coffees in her hands as a little treat for herself and her lover. However, as she approaches the door to her new home 177A Bleecker Street, she finds herself shell-shocked and the cups are quick to fumble from her grasp. She knew that face anywhere.

"No, no no no no. . . You... You are supposed to be DEAD!"

#v; in another life #kingofdarkness #tw; child death #tw; death #tw; mention of child death #tw; suicidal thoughts #tw; depression #DON'T SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU

[deathxcko]

hi friends!! below the cut i just have a teeny little update, regarding my mental health, in more detail, but.

tl;dr - basically, i'll be gone for at least the rest of the week, and not responding to anyone even in my rp servers/dms on discord until i'm in a better place mentally. if you have my real life number you're welcome to text me, and if you have my discord you're welcome to message me (i probably will not reply until back!! apologies).

little update: my mental health has been in the trash, and despite my therapist insisting upon 3 appointments in one week to make sure i'm physically alright... i think it would be best if i just take a little break here!!

i'm gonna work on replies in my free time and just draft them out for whenever I return, but. you know. depression is a beast and the last thing i want to do is bum out my friends because i'm crying, in bed, and unable to take care of myself LOL.

i have a lot of really high emotional needs right now, and with very little support outside of my therapist, so we out here in the trenches, i think!!! i'll see you all on the other side. please take care of yourselves in the meantime. <3

#&&; it's just a spark but enough to keep me going. ( ooc ) #tw; mental illness #tw; depression #tw; mental health

[mysticjourneys]

Update On Myself

Hello, and I hope you all are having a good day. I know I have been semi-active after my post about quitting. I want to say first that I appreciate all those who gave feedback and reached out. Although some words had various effects on me, I know you all were coming a place of well intent.

The issues I have been going through when it came to my joy in life stemmed more than just writing. It was a question if I could even go on with anything. Before I go on, I want to warn that this will be personal and touch on heavy subject material. This is all subjective and might not matter to some of you, which is why I am putting the details in a readmore.

This is to give you a better understanding of where I am coming from.

TLDR: I am getting better and will make a strong return. It will be slow, though. Working on self-love.

As far back as middle school, I had grown a hatred towards myself. I have made mistakes in my life that had jeopardized my life or my relationships with friends or family. Even though some things are not my fault, I blamed myself for letting things happen or not fixing them. In middle school, it was regrets in losing friends or not doing more. Eventually, it made me form a wall around myself to not get hurt.

In high school, I did make friends, some of whom I still hang to this day. But, I still felt an immense amount of anger. Yes, I only fought when my friends were in trouble, but I still felt like I had a lot of pent-up anger.

When college came, I learned that not everyone would like your ideas. And having dreams to create and express myself, only for no one to notice or care, it made me wonder if something was wrong with me.

Then I fell in love, but it was long distance. I eventually dropped any goals I set for myself to work on getting a house for my now wife and I to live in. I thought the Navy was the quickest option, but it was not. It took away a lot more than it gave, and it was a major regret.

I kept regretting and regretting my choices. My intentions were noble, right? What am I doing wrong? I wasted time in college, I wasted time in Navy, if it's not perfect then what was the point? I am giving it my all but I can't seem to be happy with what I make.

So many times I wanted this feeling to end. I didn't want to be myself anymore.

Being creative, writing, or doing a project allowed me to be someone else. I could be Deku, I could be Chai, I could be anyone. I wanted to be anyone but myself. Even my original characters are people who I wish I was.

Aeon, confident and kind. Maria, smart and gifted. Joanna, brave and strong.

But I didn't see any value for Aiden Copass. Even if I was the creative mind behind it all, if I failed at anything, I failed the image I wanted to be. The dream I wanted to be real.

That's why things were less fun. I never forgave myself for mistakes or perceive that I had qualities. I am in my late twenties now, and I still feel stuck. I thought I could do anything, have my child like wander, by being an adult turns a colorful world in a world with terrifying shades of gray.

I have been seeking therapy, and I have had talks with others to get a perspective on things. Why I am dissatisfied with what I do. I haven't been practicing self-love, I have been harsh on myself because I can't seem to settle for anything less.

If I can't enjoy what I do, how could anyone else?

This eventually made me more prone to violence, wanting to hurt people. But, it wasn't because I didn't want them to look down on me, I wanted to prove myself. I wanted something in life that could reach the ideal life I wanted. When I didn't, I just lashed out.

I didn't enjoy the struggle because I felt I struggled enough. "When is it enough?!" "When will I get my chance?!" "Why isn't it enough?!"

I kept falling in this endless cycle of hatred and crying. Unable to sleep, unable to function, unable to care for myself. And that just made me hate myself even more.

It wasn't until a friend of mine said these words to me that I began to see what I was doing to myself.

"You can't love anyone or anything without loving yourself first. Because all you'll do is reflect the insecurity you have in yourself towards those things."

So, I started to reflect and take my time. To heal and be better. I still want to work on achieving my goals, but I am going to try and approach it with a different mindset.

It won't be instant, and I might fall back again. But, I will get back up and keep trying. No matter how beaten down I am. I only ask that you all be patient with me.... You have no idea how much you all mean to me. This community has been a huge chunk of my life. I made friends, family, and loved ones here....

I love you all.

#tw; self-hate #tw; suicidal thoughts #tw; depression #update #personal

[ssolessurvivor]

personal stuff under the cut I just need to rant

I'm getting the damn runaround again trying to get my husband in to get some blood tests and an EKG test done before his surgery on the 20th because apparently nobody knows where the hell to send me (I hope you guys never have to file a workers injury claim as this has been the norm and it's driving me up the wall for months), I've already cried three times this morning with each attempt increasingly frustrating. I just want to take a day off but I can't cause I need to preserve time so I can just crawl in bed in the dark and stay there.

I'm also weirded out and surprised by some ooc interactions here I've had and don't know how to handle it and how that makes me nervous, not to mention it's throwing muse off, which isn't fun when all I want is to see my boy cause he helps but nothing is working right now for alleviating any of this stress and depression I'm experiencing.

and now I'm getting a headache...and it's not even 11am. maybe I'll order in sushi for lunch and stuff my ugly face with it >.<

#ooc #tbd #tw; doctors #tw; depression

[1strecomdejablue]

I've been having an awful couple of weeks because of health reasons, and my depression is kinda creeping in again because of that. But I have to say that watching you and @secondquaritch going after each other has made me laugh so hard that I ended up in tears 😂 I absolutely love both of you for taking my mind off of less than pleasant things.

The last couple weeks have been rough on my side as well.

In commiseration, my job is still my job, which leads to a depressive state. Which led into the death of my grandfather whom I'd not seen or spoken to for ten years. It's also brought me into a paralyzed state of depression leading to bad habits for my health.

I say this not to say 'Oh, I'm worse off' but to say; I feel the struggle in a depth that hurts as you are hurting but not as you are hurting because our pain is our own.

I hate to hear anyone is hurting or struggling in life, but I am glad the interactions can help you in some minor way as they are helping me for the moment.

#closed responce #ooc; #out of character #tw; death #tw; depression #depression #death

[crunchyluigi]

This post is just an Update on my mental health, I guess, You can avoid this post if you want, I won't mind.

Update on why I've not been very active on Tumblr (aside from being unable to post drawing, because surface pen) I've been struggling heavily with multiple people I know (College, Doctors, etc;) Leaving, and I have a fear of being forgotten, I know that sounds really stupid, but It's a real fear (Athazagoraphobia) And literally a few hours ago I got extremely paranoid for seemingly no reason, it turned out to be a panic attack, That was not fun. Even eating is now a struggle, I just want to sleep all day

I believe this fear stems from when some Friends on Discord in the past, all decided to yell at me and leave me, It hurt so much and I had no choice to delete my old Discord Account. I made a new one, that I use now.

#tw: Athazagoraphobia #irl things #vent #tw: panic attack #tw; eating problems #tw; depression

[shiroi---kumo]

( @aquaticsoul ) ->

✨ +

"Do you still hear the screaming?" The voice comes out in a flat, dead monotone after hours of perfect stillness and silence. To most, the question would seem directed at absolutely no one given the fact the man's body hasn't moved an inch and the same distant, expressionless look remains there as it has since the start of whatever has come over him. His eyes gaze at seemingly nothing at all, appearing almost made of glass. If he can feel pain or emotion, he currently is making no suggestions of this awareness whatsoever. However, his question is followed by another before the guard it's been sent at can answer it, one that says there is indeed some thinking going on in the man who appears much too vacant for such an activity. "Did you truly mean what you said back then, or has it been long enough for you? Six or... maybe... eight, nine years now - is that really all you needed to forget what love is?" His guesswork of just how much time has passed is off by five more years, but his point still stands and, on top of that, he has revealed as a side effect how long he himself had been in the very depths of hell, how long he had gone without feeling the warmth of the sun on his skin. His only certainty appears to be the counting of six years after the fall of their home - the other nine of them all spent in the dark, unaware of the passage of time. "... Would you really kill him, Revon, or are you simply just as afraid as I am?"

·:¨༺ ✩★✩ ༻¨:·. Somehow he's mad again all over but it isn't Sielu's fault. The sound of screaming fills his mind and he wonders for a moment if it ever left. He knows for a fact, it didn't. It hasn't left hsi mind in twenty years. Sielu wants to know if he can still hear the sound of their Liege's voice tear from his body until the sheer sound of it tore his throat raw. The boy had never known true pain until that moment and all he was allowed to do during it was stand there and watch as the tears rushed down over porcelain cheeks as a white light enveloped the child he dared to call his son.

Valkoinen Pilvi was not his flesh and blood but he may as well have been. He can remember so much more than just the sound of the screaming. He remembers the day Kenraali Taivas came to get him. The day Kenraali Taivas came to tell him that he had an assignment for him if he was willing to take it.

Guard the Child of White, he'd said and the man of the Northern Lights had found himself wondering what he'd done to be selected for such an honor. Lady Kuu had only given birth a few weeks prior and Kenraali Taivas had to explain that he needed the best of the best for the position and he needed to fulfill all of Lord Aurinko's requests. Kenraali Taivas had made a joke in that moment.

"If he's anything like his father, he'll be a handful, so prepare yourself Revon."

And Lord Aurinko was Kenraali Taivas' charge so he understood. He understood the way the General looked at the King once he held the prince in his arms.

He had only been a little speck of a thing. A spot even. Barely even a little wisp of a cloud and they were giving this child to him? Truly, he got to keep this child and care for him? He made the Oath without hesitation. There was no need for it. He was entranced by jade eyes the minute he saw them and his heart sang in ways it never had before the second that tiny hand barely worked to wrap around his finger.

That boy was...

That boy was his everything.

That's not all he remembers. No. He has years of it and five or six or nine or sixteen years would never be enough for his heart to forget.

The only thing he longed for was to hold that boy in his arms one more time. No matter what sounds or noises he made. Death would never keep them apart because if the prince were to die at his hand then they would simply go out together. Never would he allow his Liege to pass in such a way. Alone.

Pilvi has been alone sixteen years too long, and he's felt empty every day he's woke up to be unable to see tired jade eyes that clearly do not want to be up this early in the morning. What he wouldn't give to be able to wake to the sight of a tiny circle of white curled up into a ball on one of his spare pillows all because he fell ill and whomever they tried to pull as his replacement could not wrangle the prince well enough to keep them apart.

He remembers that tiny voice too.

"I don't like him, Revon. He's mean and he's not you. I won't take up any space. I'll stay right here and be real quiet. I promise."

The prince had only been four years old then and he kept his word. A small speck of a cloud curled as small as he could manage all while keeping himself as near silent as he was able just so he could stay close to him. He came to learn quickly that the littlest moon became lonely so very easily.

How lonely was he now?

Even if Sielu hadn't given him the time to answer the first question before speaking the second, the hollow look in pink vision told the story for him and the pain that followed answered the second. The third came as a blow no sword or spear could deliver. No blow to the chest by any blade or Windarian weapon could deal the damage those words did.

There were tears running down his face before he even realized they were there. Silently they ran, slipping and sliding like a repressed river over thin metal that could hardly be removed for the other's own protection. Much like his Mist, his emotions had to remain repressed for those around them. It had only been with the boy in question that he'd allowed them to show.

His Mist had no effect on the Child of White and it seemed his emotions couldn't poison him either. Kenraali Taivas had said he needed the best for the job, because he needed the Child of White protected at all costs but in all those years it was almost like that same child had been protecting him too in ways no one else ever could.

Nothing about him could ever keep that boy away and nothing about him could ever harm that child. So what about him would harm him now? His Pilvi would never do such awful things without a reason - even if that reason had been his hands tied behind his back and somehow he already knew the boy had been manipulated. He couldn't say so however.

Not with the way, Sielu reacted.

The man was still in there despite all he'd gone through. His words were just as poisonous to him as his Mist was, so his tears continue to rain down in silence instead.

#v; silent tears #aquaticsoul #guest muse: revon #tw; long post #tw; depression #tw; grief #tw; death #tw; injury #tw; abuse #tw; emotional repression #tw; self sabotage #tw; self deprecation #ask || inquires of the northern lights #topic: revon tulet #topic: a prince's life #topic: sininen taivas

[terrence-silver]

Hey, dearest. Reading all your writing stuff today.

So, I'm having a bad day and it sucks, could you do something with Terry comforting Beloved who's sad? Your work is a good distraction to me! I would be grateful <3

He slicks your hair back sometimes.

Both a conscious and unconscious thing. The gentle motions of Terry running his hands, full palms, broad and large on you, over both sides of your ears, over your stresses, slicking back as much as the length allows, or rather pretending it does when your hair doesn't prove long enough, with the same lotion he uses on himself, practically massaging and smoothing you down with fingers dripping in the fragrant concoction, immaculately, until your head is a shiny, perfect mass of grease atop of your head, not unlike a shimmering helmet. Sometimes, sadness has nowhere to go. He can fuck it out. Hug it out. Kiss it out. Bribe it away with gifts. Trips. Someone's head on a plate. Squeeze it. Demand it goes away, but sometimes, the sorrow lingers, trapped, refusing to obey him, and in times like these, Terry relinquishes himself to the silence of your shared California king sized bed at dawn, overlooking a soft sunlit vista, sitting behind you, your back to his torso, slicking your hair back in silence as you listen to his steady breathing, the scent of it all therapeutic and lulling, carrying the aroma of musk and a heavy, dreamlike perfume. When he doesn't know what else to do, he supposes this is how he comforts you and you suppose that is the case too, through the ritualized art of touch. That and making you appear as much like him as he could. Like you were one. A connected being, belonging to him so much there's no difference between you and him. Similar and interconnected. They did say people in love started to resemble each other both in character and appearances, after all, so now all of the sadness you felt could pass unto him too.

He once told you a story.

How, in Vietnam, whenever they were assured a mission was one of high probability of failure --- a suicide task --- they'd all collectively shave their heads. Soldiers shaving each other, taking the razors and the scissors to work on their fellow man. A squad of mohawks with war paint. A way to mark themselves in solidarity, as a reminder that a cause was lost and that were united in a futile act of madness and courage. All one and the same. A platoon of identical, choppy hawks going out with a bang. It actually did something for morale, ironically. They'd descend into the jungle or a minefield riddled with tunnels expecting to collectively die --- getting blown to smithereens --- and they'd come out alive because they were pushed forward and encouraged by the thought of their own sameness. You wonder if there's assonance and a recollection to that in his act of him firmly yet gently, with a sense of purpose, tending to your scalp while you slump there, sitting, frumpy and downtrodden as Terry fastens a specially chosen black hair tie, with careful ease, over the ponytail at the nape of your neck, twirling it in place. You too are now the same. You look up at the mirror in front of your lover's bed. He's right behind you, lingering like a shadow, holding your shoulders, caressing up and down the length of your arms, you in front of him, reflected. Maybe you were imagining it, but it was funny how you actually looked weirdly alike and all it took was some gel and slicking your hair back. Not much at all. Someone else would call this stupid and bizarre, but you understood. You understood what Terry was trying to convey, wordlessly.

You smile, for the first time in days.

If you descend into the jungle, you wouldn't be going alone.

#heyo anon #hope you're doing fine #or at least a little better #have a lovely day and a lovely night #❤️ #terry silver #kk3 #cobra kai #fluff #angst #tw; hurt and comfort #tw; war trauma #tw; depression #terry silver x reader #terry silver x beloved #based off of a historical thing i read

[cwarscars]

(( heeeeeeeey, so - i managed to get all of my drafts done. everything is queued to post and i’m going to speed that queue up because i owe replies across the board. i’ve got like, three asks to tackle (which is, nothing) that i’m gonna hit up tonight alongside my messages / discord. 

i’m sorry i haven’t been chatty or w/e, i’ve just been really depressed. but it’s okay, i’ll talk to people about stuff if they want me to. if not, i’m not gonna burden people with my shit. i’ll cheer up eventually, i’m just on one of them spirals. when i’m active tonight, i’ll try and have some fun on here and vibe a lil with everyone. ))

#really glad i managed to write #i was a little worried i had no motivation #but i woke up this morning and did like 7 drafts before i went out so0 #that was pretty good #im sorry re depression wise ive just been so low #been hard to feel actually /liked/ by people #(ooc) #(tbd) #i actually read some messages i got and immediately thought to myself 'you dont want a reply from me because you think im a freak' #and the thing is...i dont really think they think that im just sad and reflecting it on others #but its okay #tw; depression