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bourneblack · 3 years

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thanks for being a willing ear, bb. honestly i'm not sure if this counts as discussing fandom discourse because it doesn't actually deal with discourse and it's just so venty and more personal; it barely even has to do with fandom, really. i also get nsfw at points and i'm not sure if some of it counts as tmi but i'm warning for that here too. please know that you can delete this ask if it makes you uncomfortable or you just don't like it.

okay, so basically...i'm not sure how to be gay or trans correctly? cause uh, god this is mortifying but, you know a/b/o and mpreg right? those really awful sex tropes in fic? i used to read them constantly. i used to read a/b/o because i found it super hot and it aroused me enough that i was capable of ignoring my bottom dysphoria, and because of that i was able to masturbate regularly and enjoy myself. i read mpreg for the same reasons, but also because it was a way of indulging my impregnation and pregnancy kink without triggering my bottom dysphoria.

this was of course before i learned that those tropes were misogynistic, homophobic, and transphobic. and even though i hadn't known then, to this day i still feel awful that i couldn't figure that out on my own, as a trans man myself. i truly did let my people down, reading those fics, even if it was unknowingly.

and so, i haven't read any a/b/o or mpreg since...late 2019, i think, maybe earlier than that, and i haven't masturbated since then. well no, that's not right, i tried to consume other gay erotica in 2019--i already had tried visual porn but it does absolutely nothing for me--without a/b/o or mpreg, just basic vanilla stuff with p-i-v sex, and it either ended with me feeling not aroused enough to ignore my dysphoria, thoroughly unaroused, extremely uncomfortable, or outright in tears in the case of reading p-i-v; just overall nowhere near in the vicinity of an orgasm. so i just...haven't masturbated since, it just hasn't been worth it to do.

i wanted to say that i'm not asking you to tell me that the fic sex tropes listed above are Fine, Actually, i just wanted to talk to you about this because i...would like some direction on what to do? like how do i get rid of the bottom dysphoria? and if i can't get rid of it, how do i make it feel so insignificant that it doesn't matter. same with my pitiful and severe hang ups surrounding p-i-v sex.

i'm just asking for a little direction from someone who i think knows what they're about; what else erotica/kinks are gay trans men supposed to read, because i just...haven't been able to consume the usual stuff trans men like. and because of that i feel wrong, but mostly broken, and i don't know how to fix it. i honestly don't know what's wrong with me, and why i can't be like everyone else.

that's...all i have to say. and uh, sorry, as well. this is probably awful. have a good day, for me?

*cracks knuckles*

First things first, and this sounds cliche, but it's true, and will be true, until the end of time:

there’s no right way to be gay or trans. In fact, it’s the other way around. “Queer” came about when a human being who realized they did not fit under the standards of straight and cis decided to give themselves an identity. In that identity, sub-labels of gay, trans, lesbian, bi, asexual, etc etc formed to specify that experience. But we all forget that no one is obligated to take any of these labels, nor or they obligated to fit *one* experience. I bring this all up because while labels are important identifiers, you should never feel limited by them.

There is no ‘supposed’ to. There is only you.

And that shit’s scary!

But I’m here to tell you that you are not alone in this.

I can’t tell you straight up what is the *right* erotic experience and what is the *wrong* one, because the truth is is that the things that get you off are things you cannot control, and are things that probably won’t match even another gay/trans person. It’s also important to not assign shame to what it takes for you to get there, because what gets individual humans aroused is something that scientists don’t even fully understand.

We can only control what we do with it, and how we let it shape us.

I can give you is my experience, and hope it helps. I don’t have the answers to everything, but I’m hoping something about the process I had to go through to get here might help?

I started reading m/m stories, usually with cismen, and m/f stories, cis on both sides. I felt the p i v was, well, nice, but something about it wasn’t super appealing. It took me a few years to realize that I was transgender, that’s what was missing in the equation.

Makes sense, now I read (and write) mostly m/m stories, still with cismen, because that’s what gets me off. I sometimes enjoy m/f fics, but only if the women is written well, and mostly because I think oral is gr8.

I still do read a/b/o, get off to it a lot, because I more believe that its the not the trope that’s problematic, but its execution. It’s relieving to me to have an omega male character because look! that’s me! I recognize this is not the tropes primary use.

The latest thing I’ve gotten into is m/ftm which has lately been my niche, especially when the story is written by a trans author. My favorite is stories about transmen that top, that have bottom surgery, that are strong and muscular and powerful, because that’s the image I have in my head of who I want to be and look like. I love them paired with brats because I have a type it seems, and I also love them because I’ve figured out through this whole process what I actually see myself as. I’ve spent a long time trying to fit into identities, and now I’ve found myself and can pick a direction and take it.

There is also power in dark fiction. I went through a period of time where I enjoyed those types of stories because it not only represented what I was feeling about myself at the time, it gave me the ability to act on those feelings in a manner that hurt nobody while I figured out where to find my self-worth. Dark fiction can play an important role in processing struggle.

There are probably other things. Silly novels that use funny names for dirty bits are a good way to take the intensity out of sex. Audio is fun, whether it be dirty talking, or simply just the *sounds* of someone getting off. I still enjoy those as well.

And lastly, if none of these fit... write your own version of what you want to see. I’m serious. I started writing because I wasn’t finding what I wanted to read. My first drafts of everything are absolutely atrocious, I still have them, but it represented myself and I’m so proud of it. Even if you write it on a sheet of paper then shred it before anyone sees, getting that out of you will help you understand what you are really looking for.

I honestly hoped I could help, at least if not by my response, by lending an ear. My bottom dysphoria is less related to sex and mostly related to image, and my fixes for that have been to buy and wear boxer, pack a sock (or two if I want to impress) and bind my chest.

My ask box is always open for stuff like this, never feel like it’s a burden coming here and needing a place to vent. I wish you well, and I hope that you can find your way through this struggle.

Lots of love, BB

#trans #dysphoria #lgbt #fanfic #slight work unsafe #long post #Anonymous

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werevulvi · 3 years

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What incited you to become a MRA, what did you learn from it (good neutral or bad) and what got you to wake up and finally cease to be one?

This became a really long-winded answer, because I’ve apparently a lot of thoughts/feelings about this, which I probably haven’t really gone over with myself before. But here’s my rant: Well, before I became an MRA, my opinions on sexism and feminism were pretty much only "gender equality would be good of course" and I did not think women necessarily had it worse than men, but I noticed there was some obvious injustices in both directions. So I was in a position that could very easily be swayed in either the feminist or MRA direction.

What led me down the MRA direction (at that time, roughly year 2016-2017) was discovering MOGAI/tucute microlabels (like noun genders, neo pronouns, stuff like pansexual, demisexual, etc) on tumblr and vehemently disliking it. I had truscum opinions without knowing it back then. Meaning I was pretty certain there are only 2 genders based on 2 sexes, being trans was a medical condition, and everything else was bullshit, pretty much. And so, discovering my "opposition" online (which I previously didn't know existed) led me to consume a lot of basically "anti-SJW" content.

And as you may or may not know, most "anti-SJW's" on youtube at that time were anti-feminists, MRA's and MGTOW's. So I was informed of those opinions without having directly searched for them. It just kinda came with the territory. I watched a lot "Sargon of Akkad", "Bearing", "Dr. Randomercam", "ShoeOnHead", "Undoomed", "Prince of Queens" (rest in peace), etc. Most of them were not self-declared MRA's, but their opinions kinda moved in that sorta general direction.

Back then I was very strongly identifying as a man and grasped at anything to validate my male identity and mitigate my dysphoria. Kissing men's asses became my method of basically trying to buy my way into manhood. I idolised men, worshipped them even. I didn't need to be convinced that men face discrimination on the basis of their sex too, because I already knew that, but learning about the suicide rates, falsely accused rapes, etc, was extra compelling. I've not talked about this at great lengths before, but I've actually been falsely accused of rape myself once, by someone who mistook me for being a cis man (luckily it didn't lead to anything), I've been laughed at by men for admitting to being a sexual abuse survivor as they assumed I'm male too, and I've been harrassed much worse for appearing as a gnc man than I ever was for appearing as a gnc woman. This I concluded as forms of misandry (and I still do.)

(I wanna squeeze in somewhere around here, that my transition gave a fairly interesting view on gender, as sorta being able to see how both men and women have it "from the inside" so to say, as I've been treated differently as a man post-transition vs as a woman pre-transition. This experience has influenced my views on gender and sexism pretty heavily. My own experiences of essentially both misogyny and misandry.)

My own experiences with misandry of course served as fuel for my becoming MRA opinions. And then eventually I found the website "A voice for men" and the documentary movie "The Red Pill" and after that I was a self-declaired MRA... for a while.

Until came my detransition, mid 2018. This changed my views on gender drastically. Both gender in regards to identity vs sex, and gender in regards to oppression vs privilege. In my early detransing, I was approached by a few radfems on youtube, and curious as I am, decided to look into it. I was back and forth between MRA and radical feminism for a while, while I was learning as much as my constantly overworked, autistic brain would allow me, and about 6 months later I had come to the conclusion that I do agree with majority of radfem and it's basis, but still sorta cared about men's rights on the side (for example still supporting their safety being gnc, their mental health, etc) but no longer considering myself an MRA per se.

During those 6 months I did also start seeing that a lot of what the MRA's spout is misogynistic, and they are factually incorrect about men being more oppressed than women. However, after a couple of years taking a deep dive into radfem, I realised that as an ideology it's almost equally flawed as MRA, and in rather similar ways even. So I ditched that too. Although I still consider myself somewhat gender critical (bio sex is still important and real, and so is critical thinking) as well as still totally for female rights (basically sex-based feminism) but not in the rigid way radfem is. I dunno its conclusions are rather fucked sometimes, and sometimes a little delusional. I'm not a fan of equity, communism or collectivism, which I later on noticed runs pretty heavy through radfem. I'd say I'm more of a gender critical libfem who supports men's rights as well, nowadays.

I've been through so many different ideologies by now, that I feel like at core they're all kinda the same shit. They're all flawed. I'd rather just have whatever opinions I think is right/good/logical regardless of which ideology that opinion comes from. I don't wanna fight or debate. I only care for peaceful, actually meaningful discussions. I'm done with being part of hiveminds by now. I need to prioritise living my life, having fun, learning to be functional, petting cats, going swimming, having a lot of sex, transitioning, and finding my own happiness. Not politics. I've never been the activist type, and I think I just got drawn into it because of guilt. Because people started saying "if you're not a feminist, you're a bad person" and at first I rebelled, but then I fell for it. Now I'm just dropping my battle axe altogether. Because no ideology can ever determine whether some one is a good or bad person. I've learned now that having the "right" opinions is not what matters.

What I learned from being an MRA... that men are not evil. That they are human with a full range of emotions, a need for vulnerability, sometimes victims of awful crimes, sometimes traumatised, etc. I learned that my fear of men (due to my own trauma) is not rational and should not dictate how I judge male strangers. I also learned that some men are never gonna return that same empathy and respect to me as I offer them, because I'm bio female. Those are not the same men, and they should not be treated in the same way. I learned that in many ways I'm surprisingly not that different from men, but that I'll also never truly know what it's like to be bio male or grow up as a boy, but that's okay. Although, living as a man probably taught me more about men, than being an MRA did. It more so solidified what I had already found out to be true.

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weaselle · 6 years

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PSA for white cishet men

Okay, so, especially for a lot of you young’uns who are getting the bulk of your social input from the internet (but also for anyone else) If you are white, cishet, and male it can seem... all of society is rallying against you. And I want to address that with you right now. The below post mentions some identities more than others, but is equally relevant in terms of racism, misogyny, ableism, homophobia, transphobia - all the phobias and isms. A large portion of society IS rallying against whiteness, maleness, heterosexuality, etc, ... and it is important that they are. And this does not make you a bad person for being those things. First, my credentials. I am white-passing, cishetman-passing, and have never been treated as anything else in my life. I am also 1/4 Japanese and some kind of nonbinary that, if I could go back 25 or 35 years and help young me understand more, would likely be a trans woman and a lesbian today. And even though I am not 100% white, 100% male, or 100% cishet, I have moved through society as if I am all of these things, even spending decades trying my best to identify as these things. And, importantly, I have experienced a full measure of all the privileges, advantages, social indoctrination and special treatment that come with those things. I want to reach out to those white cishet men who are pushing back against what they feel is unfair assignment of negativity to parts of their being and identity they have no control over. Especially when I was young, I have felt that terrible self hatred and helpless desperation that can happen when you are a decent person trying to interface with yourself about what it means to be white, straight, cis, male, etc in this society today. Unfair assignment of negativity to parts of people’s being and identity that they have no control over is exactly the issue, and if you feel it is being applied to you, the first thing you have to understand is that this is a natural, normal, and necessary part of correcting a millennia-long imbalance. Unfair assignment of negativity to parts of people’s being and identity that they have no control over has been happening to everyone without our white male cishet attributes for hundreds of years, with much more visceral consequences for them than us. You may feel that white people are cast in a bad light right now, but there were literal lynchings of black people only 10 years before I was born, and black people still die unfairly at the hands of white people only because of the color of their skin. You may feel that cishets are cast in a bad light right now, but a few years ago in my city a young person publicly perceived as male was set on fire on a bus for wearing a skirt. You may feel that men are cast in a bad light simply for being men but U.S. rape rates of women are astoundingly high... as well as things like, my mother was not allowed to get a credit card from a bank without permission simply because she was a woman. Let me be clear. As an adult woman, THE BANK required her to have written permission from her father or husband to apply for a credit card. Men have had and still have unfair access to real social power and advantage. White people have had and still have unfair access to real social power and advantage, cis-hets have had and still have... etc. This “cast in a bad light” thing, the assignment of negativity to whiteness, maleness, heterosexuality, and other identity markers you have no control over? The more sensitive you are about it, the more likely it is that you haven’t experienced the kind of visceral consequences for that negative value that others have. It can be easy to be sensitive about it, but this “cast in a bad light” thing isn’t preventing straight white men from being paid more, being promoted to CEO more, etc etc. And while YOU may feel that men are currently cast in a bad light, that’s not as true in society at large as may seem if you are white and male and NOT a CEO, and face plenty of adversity in your life. So yes. “whiteness” and “manhood” and “heterosexuality” are all concepts that are being assigned negative value right now. What you are feeling is society PUSHING those concepts out of their centralized place to make room for everybody else. When, due only to who you have been born as, you feel that push, it is not the fault of the people doing the pushing, it is the fault of our ancestors that made such pushing necessary. And it is necessary. Your feelings of self worth may well just be a casualty in society’s fight for this change. But they don’t have to be. We don’t have to feel bad, or attacked - sometimes it’s just hard not to. But nobody is specifically setting out to make us personally feel bad; that’s our own issue to deal with. What is happening in American Society (and Modern Western Culture in general) regarding these attributes, is much larger than our personal experience or lifetime. And it is far from over. YOU may feel that you have arrived on the shores of equality for all, but this society has not, and that push NEEDS to continue happening. So, while not everybody is going to be able to parse this in such terms for you, let me re-assure you. We are not trying to tell you whiteness itself is bad. It’s okay to be white. But nobody is going to feel like they have to tell you that it’s okay to be white, because politicians and banks and police in our society already reenforce that it’s okay to be white, in ways that matter more than somebody’s feelings. Similarly, most people are not trying to tell you maleness or heterosexuality is something you need to be ashamed of, but they won’t feel like they have to reassure you of that for the same kind of reasons. And some people WILL tell you that you should be ashamed of those things, and that is because THEY have been made to feel ashamed of THEIR sexuality, gender, or race. Understand that and move on from it. What is being fought against is not your literal skin color or sexual orientation or gender, what is being fought against is the concepts of the “white” “cis/het” and “male” values of these attributes as they currently function in this society. Almost everyone understands that many white/cis/het/men are good people trying their best. And, this is very important, you can be both. You can be both a good person who is worthy of love and admiration and who tries their best and who would never knowingly be a bigot, AND participate in bigoted ideology. In fact we all do. Let me give you an example of how I have been both. Now, I have made it my life’s work to be as good and humane a person as I can be, and I would never KNOWINGLY do racist things. When I was young, in my twenties, I would have told you unequivocally that I was not racist. I would have been wrong. Just one way I was wrong is something I didn’t learn until I was in my young 30′s, and it was startling. See, sometimes in this life, when scared, or in an intense situation, or even as a joke, we act “tough”. And, I forget what it was that prompted me to examine this, but, I discovered that on those occasions, when I was acting “tough”... what I was really acting was “black”. My hand movements, my body language, my vocabulary and pronunciation... when I felt like presenting myself as tough, these all became rough copies of stereotypical black culture. My hands would move like I was in a rap video, my head movements the same, my pronunciation of words like “motherfucker” changed, my use of black vernacular increased. And I was totally unaware that this is what I was doing when I was trying to act tough. When I sat down to unpack that, I realized that I wasn’t acting like black people I knew (which were too few, having grown up in a little white-bread California town) I was acting like black people from movies and TV. The only conclusion I could reach was that through this media, society had taught me that black people are dangerous, so when I wanted to be scary and tough, that’s what I acted like. But before I made myself look into this, I NEVER would have realized that on some level I thought black people were scary, and I had NO IDEA I was doing this clearly racist thing. The fact that I WAS doing it didn’t make me a bad person... just ignorant of my own racism. Especially if you are young, in your teens and twenties, and white, watch the white people around you when they act “tough”. It won’t be every one of them or all the time, but it will be a lot. When you’re looking for it, it’s really obvious. These days, I know my own toughness, and I never have to do any acting about it. These days I know that tough looks like being in a U.S. Air Force interrogation room in Germany and being clearly scared as shit but still repeatedly saying “I would like to continue to be cooperative, but if the questions are about my friends on base, I will not speak without a lawyer”. These days, all my toughness comes from inside. But, I know there are other things I do that I am not yet aware of that are just as racist. And homophobic. And misogynistic. And ableist. And just, informed and nurtured by my bigoted society in general. When you hear “all white people are racist” it does NOT mean the people saying it think you specifically are going around doing evil racist things on purpose. It means that when a white guy is in charge of hiring, he will pass over applications of qualified people if they have black-sounding names. They did a study to prove this. They passed out hundreds of resumés with identical qualifications but 1/2 with white-sounding and 1/2 with black-sounding names at the top. So, same resumé, one says “Cindy” one says “Lakisha”. White names got way more call backs. And most of the people sorting the resumés aren’t doing that on purpose, they’re not some comic book villain chortling “not this black-ass motherfucker” and tossing resumés in the garbage, they are normal white people who don’t think of themselves as racist and don’t realize what they are doing because they don’t understand the way they have been conditioned by our society to make subconscious associations about black names and black people. SUBCONSCIOUS. That’s the crux. Because we KNOW you’re probably a good person doing your best. But how can you possibly answer the question “tell me the things you do that you don’t know you do”? That’s why it’s so important that you don’t take this all personally, but allow other people to give you insight into the ways you have been indoctrinated into participating in a bigoted society. But when you push back against that then we DON’T know you are a good person doing your best, we have to guess if you are or not. Because some people who push back against that are people who just haven’t matured into the concept yet.... and others are dedicated, purposeful bigots. In my next post about this, I will use a parable to help you get over your white guilt and associated internalized issues.

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years

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noctomania · 7 years

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Expression (please excuse the novel length)

I remember back in elementary school when my school district voted on whether to turn my school to uniform policy. It was a public school and i had never felt so attacked before then or felt such a strong opinion about something personally. Mind you, i was maybe...10-12 yrs old (if that). This was a time when my self expression was about to take off and bloom. Suddenly though it was halted by uniform policy. I had heard both sides of it and valid points existed on both sides but i still feel it was wrong to enact because i am an advocate for open self expression (i mean without encroaching on other's rights so like my self expression couldn't be to sit on stranger's laps without invitation for example), mostly because that is how i connect best with people. I can't easily just strike up convo with strangers (trust me i have tried). Back then, it was usually a snarky message on my shirt that would draw people in to talk ("good morning is an oxymoron" or any emily strange stuff for example) I've always relished in (and grateful for) having autonomy over my appearance, it's one of the most rewarding things to be able to almost turn yourself inside out and tell the world "see? Do you see me now?" Whereas uniforms...they felt like a prison, like the erasure of my individuality. It also made everyone else seem so 2-D. Schools sometimes had trouble with students showing up in tshirts advertising alcohol or with inappropriate language on them, which is where I think the uniform idea came through most strongly. The economic hardship was left to the families though. Luckily i was allowed to wear pants and not forced into a skirt. I highly doubt guys would have been allowed to wear skirts though, but i never experienced any situations of that at my particular school. I wasn't social enough though to be sure it never happened. Something similar did occur in my high school years later though but instead of a skirt it was my friend and he would wear makeup but was repeatedly sent to detention for it because it was "distracting" I remember also in high school when i was going to be getting my senior picture which I didn't want in the first place. The senior photos were binary traditional and you had to wear this funny neck garment according to your, or what they assumed to be your, gender. This was all before i knew trans and i just knew i preferred the tux one to the one that looked like a dress. The photographer refused unless i got permission from the journalism teacher and I think the only reason she allowed me was because i was a "good quiet" student. But she was sure to let me know she felt it was highly inappropriate. I remember when i got a free leatherman jacket from being in my high school book club (i am The Coolest™) and we got to choose what name we wanted embroidered on the back. I'm proud to say i have my current name, andy, on it because even though the book club leader/librarian did try to push back on my request and tried to sway me into putting my birth name on it, i was insistent. I still have it and still wear it and otherwise i may not have even taken it. (It was free so turning it down wouldn't have been a big deal to me though I woulda been bummed to not get one even though they kinda forced me to take one anyway? It's complicated and thats all besides the point) See I'm someone who craves expression. I bottle up enough shit. Some things i wanna wear on my sleeves. Or my face. Or my hair. My gender expression has been pretty strong since day one. Not to say I wouldn't or have never gone more feminine in my appearance, it's just to say that i have not been the type to adopt an appearance based on what someone else says i am or should be. I don't feel the need to be absolutely masculine 100% i dont fear that which is feminine or androgynous. And i still remain critical of the unnecessary binary that is forced in societies. The products "for men💪/for women🌼" the bullshit of women just cannot be as strong as men the bullshit that women are inherently emotional moreso then men the absurd concept that to be a woman means to have a pussy and tits and to be a man you needa have a package (because clearly you just lose your identity when you get breast or ovarian or testicular cancer). "SO DUH ABOLISH GENDER SO MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE TREATED THE SAME" To turn a blind eye to the differences and intricacies along the gender SPECTRUM (or any innate identity spectrum) is to pretend we don't all have our own distinctive experiences and issues and is in fact a rejection of them. My gender is expressed how i see fit. Perhaps it is quite masculine and yes i did in fact get some surgery but no surgery is going to turn me cis, no hormones will remove all the experience i had as a AFAB for 20yrs no surgery is going to change my interests. I didn't seek hrt or surgery because of anyone else or to spite anyone or to attack anything, i did it to achieve a sense of Self I had never experienced before due to the limitations of my physical expression. I did it because i know how my mind perceives my body and it's never fit right until now. Like ive been a mismatched set of Tupperware that's finally been organized properly. My lid fits, i am a complete set on my own now, as opposed to trying to fit the mold of other's lids. I didn't change to be someone else, i changed my appearance to match who I Am. FORCED gender roles/expression is detrimental, not because of the gender, but because it's forced; because it's someone exerting (or trying to) inappropriate control where they have no right. Are cisfem who choose to take on the ultimate 50s nuclear family housewife life/look any less valid than a cisfem who refuses to fit any gendered life/looks? Or should both be seen as equal and valid in their accession of and right to their autonomy to identify themselves and express themselves how they see fit without any external criticism/dictation as to what is "right" or "appropriate" based on antiquated and/or irrational factors/ideologies? The point of identity is nobody can tell you what/who you are. Perhaps they could guess, but that doesn't mean they are right or that they have authority over your identities. it's not a problem that gender exists. It's a problem that is has been monopolized and mutated and mythologized by people (yes of all varieties bc ideologies know no bounds) trying to dictate other's lives. It's a problem that it has been used as a tool to oppress rather than express. I've met just as many misogynistic women as i have men or even trans and non-binary folk. Everyone has the ability to be oppressive of someone else. When you have been oppressed, or fear being oppressed, you might take on an oppressive role yourself as a form of offense before you ever have to face bein on the defense, if you aren't critical of or moderate yourself. Though the effort may come from a place of self-preservation, it can still cause unnecessary harm and even be counterproductive, if not hypocritical. If we approach the problem for what it is (insertion of opinion where it is unwarranted and unnecessary) instead of attacking it's symptoms (gender expression), we will get to the real resolution with less inner-community squabbling. Don't pretend like you can tell someone who they are. You can argue your point without doing this. Don't pretend you are the ultimate source of knowledge for what you are fighting for. If it were all up to you there wouldn't be a movement, just you. Terfs and radfems may believe i should not have transitioned. Perhaps they feel I could have easily just continued to be a "tomboy", as i was frequently referred to as, and just bind my chest for the rest of my life and never feel a real connection with my Self. I would have remained in a state of self loathing and not only forever feeling less than i was meant to be (not because of my female form but because I wasn't able to be my Self) but forever having to face people identifying me incorrectly and always feeling that disconnect in communication when someone rejects or denies your identity. While being trans does still make me (only slightly due to passing standards and me being white) a target for hate crimes, before resolving my identity i was more likely to take my own life on top of still being a target for harassment due to being untraditional in my expression. Me being me, I've never had an issue with bein an untraditional person (very little about me is traditional), but when you have an inner war going on and you know you can do something good about it, I would never sway someone away from resolving that. Honestly i felt more a distance from feminism before transitioning because i never felt right if i tried to "proudly proclaim" bein a woman/womyn. i felt like a fraud which ultimately made me question if i was a feminist at all. Like I didn't not like women, and i was/am a proud feminist, i just didn't feel as if i was a woman and felt more like i was lying when the words came out which did to an extent feel like a form of betrayal to women and it wasn't til much later i understood it wasn't. I tried various forms of gender expression as a female but even in the best case scenarios it didn't sit right. Not knowing who you are foundationally makes it hard to know how you feel about others or how to accept others. Empathy and compassion require a certain level of knowing yourself so you can identify with another on our human level. If you're at fault with yourself it can be hard enough to love yourself much less anyone else. I feel trans-exclusionary feminists are stuck in that same stage i was stuck in when i was resolving my gender identity. But removing the issue from the context of gender kind of helps. Its not the identity itself that i hate, it's being forced into an identity i am not, never have been, and never will be. Imagine being forced to be a different person. How people identify you is all wrong and any time you try to assert your identity it is rejected. It's not an identity you can change (like a religion or a political leaning that may or may not change), but it's something not readily apparent, or is obstructed by the predisposition people may have about you based on what they see you as. You can call a bear a silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat but that's not going to change the fact that the bear is a bear, not going to change the bear's needs or instincts (reference from The Bear That Wasn't) I guess my point overall is: distinctive identity titles are born out of necessity, because thise identities exist. Identities also present the opportunity for us to recognize one another's differences and to learn how we connect and where we lack understanding of one another. Identities allow us short hand how to express ourselves verbally, yanno when interpretive dance is out of the question or inapplicable. Expression of identity is integral to feeling a sense of Self, to be able to trust yourself, and to be able to trust others. Identity should never be erased whether it be gender, sexual orientation, race, ability etc. Before I understood my gender identity i was compensating my lack of masculine appearance with overly-masculine attitude instead, which inevitably lent itself to toxic masculinity. I would catch myself acting that way sometimes and earnestly didn't know what was wrong with me. Now i know i was insecure. Now, I'm much more neutral and comfortable in my attitude since I'm not feeling the need to compensate for my appearance with my attitude. My transition was good for me and those around me. It allowed me to be a little less concerned with my issues and more concerned with the issues of a wider community. So I know this is long and I'm sorry. I don't expect anyone to have read this and i doubt that anyone who disagrees with me read it thoroughly (3 times top to bottom) as they should (to avoid making themselves look impulsive and irrational or cherry picking) before asserting their opinion, but here it is now and it's not goin anywhere. Thank god it's my weekend coming up... (Please if you respond do so respectfully. If you only wish to spit at me, do so in a direct message and leave the notes on this open for respectful conversation/debate, thank you kindly!)

#terf #feminism #gender #transgender #ideologies #identity #autonomy #self #perspective #community #radfems

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