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wisedawn13 · 1 year

Text

Trans Lan Zhan

CW // mentions of gender dysphoric and body dysmorphic thoughts

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan are shopping—or, rather, Wei Ying is shopping and Lan Zhan is following. They're at the local outlet mall, semi-aimlessly meandering around.

"Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying's voice is like music. "You sure you don't need anything?"

Wei Ying stares at him intensely and Lan Zhan feels as though he could melt. He's had a crush on Wei Ying for years. Since the moment they met.

Wei Ying bats his eyelashes, sticking out his bottom lip in a pout. Lan Zhan wants to bite it.

Maybe crush is too weak a word?

Lan Zhan lets out a small huff, turning his head to the side and hoping his hair is covering his ears so Wei Ying won't see his blush.

"I am fine," he states. He hates speaking, hates his voice. But despite his (innumerable) dysphoric issues, Wei Ying makes him comfortable.

He still tries to make his voice sound lower. Wei Ying has never commented on it or his choice of baggy masculine clothing. Wei Ying is his safe space.

That doesn't mean Lan Zhan isn't terrified to come out to him. He hasn't come out to anyone.

He trusts Wei Ying.

But he's scared.

Wei Ying laughs, wrapping a hand around Lan Zhan's (far to small for his liking) wrist, pulling him along.

"Let's go check of this store!"

"Mn," Lan Zhan says instead of 'I would go anywhere with you if you asked me to.'

Wei Ying lets go of his wrist once they're in and Lan Zhan mourns the loss, feeling far too cold now that his sun has drifted away.

He resigns himself to following quietly behind when something catches his eye and draws him over. Lan Zhan's breath catches.

It's a beautiful, shimmery button-up shirt. A very light blue at the top fading to a white at the bottom, faint cloud embroidery along the collar.

It's stunning. Lan Zhan has never wanted an article of clothing more in his life. He reaches out a tentative hand, touching it.

The material is so nice. It's something he thinks he could feel comfortable in, texture-wise.

He aches with want, but he knows he can't wear it. He can't. It's far too showy, far too expensive, and he is far too uncomfortable in his skin to pull it off. But he looks.

His shoulder is jostled slightly by another person. "Hey," Wei Ying says. "That shirt would look so good on you, Lan Zhan!"

"Mn…" He responds as if in a trance.

Wei Ying laughs lightly and grabs one of the shirts in one hand and Lan Zhan's wrist in the other.

He drags him to one of the workers on the floor and begins to speak. Lan Zhan only half hears the words.

"Hi, excuse me! I was wondering if we could get a change room for my friend here. We found this shirt and I just know she would—"

Lan Zhan doesn't know what possesses him to do it; he's not in his right mind. He's in a trance, and the shirt is so nice, and he just wants SOMEONE to know who he really is.

"He," he says. His voice is quiet, distant, but he knows Wei Ying heard by the gentle squeeze he gives.

"I know he would look so good in this shirt, so would he be able to try it on?"

That's it. That's it? Not so much as a confused glance or a pause in speech?

Lan Zhan had been terrified for months over what kind of reaction he might get (/any/ reaction is not ideal).

And Wei Ying just gave his wrist a gentle squeeze and continued on as if nothing happened.

Lan Zhan wants to cry. He wants to kiss him. But no. No. He can't. Wei Ying will have questions. He will have reactions. He probably is just… distracted. Yeah.

Lan Zhan begins to mentally prepare himself for the inevitable onslaught of questions and loud remarks (because if Wei Ying is anything, it's loud).

He finds himself in a change room alone, shirt in hand. Huh… When did that happen? He silently scolds himself.

After a moment of steadying breathwork, he sheds his layers of clothes, carefully avoiding his reflection in the mirrors on either side of him, and slips into the shirt.

Wei Ying chose a smaller size than he'd normally go for. It /fits/ instead of hanging off his body.

Unfortunately, it fits a little too much for his liking. When he glances at his reflection, any hope is quickly tamped out by the realization that his chest is visible.

It's clear he has breasts. He quietly curses himself for getting his hopes up.

He's about to change back when there's a loud knock, startling him, and he hears Wei Ying is voice. "Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan! I need to see! Show me!"

He acquiesces. Lan Zhan is many things, but 'someone who can say no to Wei Ying' isn't one of them.

He slowly opens the door.

Lan Zhan carefully crosses his arms over his chest in a strategic placement that hides it while also seeming nonchalant (he hopes).

Wei Ying gasps, drawing Lan Zhan's attention. He sees Wei Ying staring at him with wide eyes and he quickly averts his gaze down and blushes.

"Lan Zhan," Wei Ying breathes. Something in his voice he can't quite place. Awe? No. That can't be right. "You look"—Lan Zhan tenses, unsure of what will come next but sure he won't like it—"handsome."

Oh.

/Oh./

Lan Zhan quickly lifts his head to meet his gaze.

Wei Ying is staring at him, blush on his cheeks, mouth slightly agape. "Wow…"

Handsome. Lan Zhan. Wei Ying thinks Lan Zhan is handsome.

A warmth rushes through him. Of all the things he though Wei Ying might say, that was not one of them. He's never been called handsome.

He likes it, a lot.

It must show on his face because he hears Wei Ying suck in a breath. "You smiled," he whispers. "You're smiling!"

Absurd! Lan Zhan is most certainly /not/ smiling, thank you. He is merely… Slightly relaxed and a little happy. That is all.

Okay, so maybe his mouth softened and the corners lifted up a TINY BIT. He hardly thinks that constitutes as a smile.

"You look so good, Lan Zhan. You're so handsome."

Wei Ying really needs to stop complimenting him, he doesn't know how to take it.

So, Lan Zhan shakes his head slowly and looks down, tightening his grip around him chest.

If he were looking, he'd see Wei Ying's gaze shift and something click into place.

Wei Ying clears his throat. "Uh, you can uh- go change back now."

Lan Zhan nods and does just that.

Wei Ying takes the shirt from him when they walk out, and he skips ahead to hand it to the clerk, whispering something to them. They nod and respond as they take the shirt and place it on the counter behind them.

He happily skips back over to Lan Zhan. "Let's go!"

Lan Zhan tilts his head in confusion but gains no answer other than Wei Ying, once again, grabbing him by the wrist and marching off.

He feels as if he's in a state of limbo. Uncertain of anything and everything.

As they weave their way through the crowd, he stops.

"Wei Ying."

He also stops, turning to look at Lan Zhan. "Hmm? What's up?"

Lan Zhan is well and truly flabbergasted. "Are you not going to ask me questions?"

Now it's Wei Ying's turn to tilt his head in confusion. "Huh? Why? About what?"

Lan Zhan /doesn't/ gape. He doesn't.

"I asked you to call me 'he,'" he says after a moment of silence, carefully pulling his wrist out of Wei Ying's grip. When Wei Ying doesn't react or respond he pushes again. "Are you not confused? Surprised? Alarmed? Disgusted? Anything?"

"Lan Zhan," he breathes. His eyes are so kind and filled with fondness, it hurts. Lan Zhan's chest squeezes. "Oh, Lan Zhan. You"—Wei Ying pulls him into a tight hug—"are you. It doesn't matter how you look or what words you want people to call you to make /you/ comfortable."

Wei Ying takes a shaky breath, wrapping his arms around him tighter. "I will always love you no matter what, Lan Zhan."

Lan Zhan's breath hitches and a quiet sob escapes him. He wraps his arms around Wei Ying, holding on to him like a lifeline. His whole world.

And he cries. In the middle of a crowded mall, he cries. But it doesn't matter, because he's in Wei Ying's arms and that is the safest place on Earth. Nothing else matters. Wei Ying loves him no matter what. It's not a big deal.

Relief washes over him in waves.

He melts into Wei Ying's grasp, allowing himself to fully be supported by him. Wei Ying doesn't speak; he doesn't tell him to be quiet or stop crying. All he does is quietly hum and rub his hand up and down Lan Zhan's back.

It's… nice.

After what feels like an eternity of emotional turmoil, Lan Zhan is wrung out. His tears stopped long ago and his breath is slowly evening out.

That's what he registers what Wei Ying had said. 'I will always love you no matter what.'

Love.

No. It's. No. It's not that kind of love. He knows it. He… Well, he /thinks/ he knows it. But Lan Zhan was also so, so wrong about how Wei Ying would react.

Lan Zhan takes a shaky breath against Wei Ying's shoulder. "Wei Ying, you said you love me."

It's not a question.

He feels Wei Ying tense and it's a few beats before he responds. "Yes." It's quiet.

"… How?"

"Okay," Wei Ying says, pulling back from the hug enough to look at Lan Zhan's face. He cups it gently in his hands, wiping away the residual tear tracks with his thumb.

He smiles, it wobbly. "In every way."

Lan Zhan's eyes widen slightly at that, mind attempting to wrap around the implications of those words. He doesn't get long before Wei Ying leans forward and rests his forehead against Lan Zhan's.

It's grounding. Calming. Perfect.

"Lan Zhan," he whispers. Lan Zhan feels the ghost of his breath on his lips. "I love you in every way. You are my everything, my whole world. I don't care what you want, whatever it is I will be there. I will do it. I will be whatever you need."

He starts to pull away, eyes cast to the floor. "You don't have to say anything now, or ever. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or that you need to recipro—"

Lan Zhan cuts him off with a kiss. It's quick, but it shuts Wei Ying up.

"Wei Ying. I feel the same."

Wei Ying's eyes widen comically. "Y-you do?"

"Mn. Wei Ying is my world too." Lan Zhan smiles, actually smiles, and Wei Ying's knees buckle. "I love Wei Ying." He raises a hand to Wei Ying's cheek. "Wei Ying, I love you."

A sound escapes Wei Ying, something of a squeak-groan-growl-moan, and then his lips are on Lan Zhan's. It's messy and a little awkward, but neither one of them has the mind to care.

It's them. And they're kissing. That's all that matters.

Well. All that matters until Lan Zhan suddenly becomes hyper aware of the fact that they are in the middle of a crowded walkway in a busy mall. He pulls back. The sight Wei Ying chaising his lips elicits a small huff of laughter from him and Wei Ying's eyes shoot open.

"You laughed!" Wei Ying is beaming. Face flushed, lips wet and slightly swollen, beautiful.

Lan Zhan blushes, turns to the side, and clears his throat. "We are in a mall," he states, blatantly ignoring Wei Ying's growing smile because if he looks at him, he will kiss him again.

"You were bringing me somewhere?"

"Ah! Yeah! Let's go!" Wei Ying is chipper, smile aparent in his voice. This time when he reaches for Lan Zhan, he takes his hand, interlacing their fingers together. Lan Zhan looks at their hands. They fit perfectly. It feels right.

Wei Ying takes him across the store, chatting as they walk. "So! He/him, right? Any other pronouns you want?"

Lan Zhan glances at him, heart full of love and fondness. "He/him."

"Cool! Do you have any labels? If not, that's fine, I just wanna make sure you're comfortable."

Lan Zhan thought he was cried out, but he almost feels like he could cry again. "Mm… Trans. I am a trans man."

Wei Ying stops, and Lan Zhan's heart drops in anxiety. But Wei Ying only turns to him with a smile and kisses him on the forehead. "Thank you for telling me."

"Mn." That's all he can manage, but he tries to convey all his emotions and feelings in that one word.

Wei Ying seems to get it. His smiles softens and he quickly kisses him on the lips. "Come on," he says and pulls him along.

They enter a store and walk right up to one of the staff. "Hi!" Wei Ying chirps. "I'm looking for a binder for my boyfri–" Wei Ying stiffens, quickly turns to look at Lan Zhan. "Boyfriend?" Lan Zhan's heart skips a beat and he nods rather dumbly. Wei Ying turns back. "Boyfriend."

Lan Zhan is too out of it, blissfully thinking over the term 'boyfriend' to realize what Wei Ying had asked for.

A squeeze to his hand brings him back, his gaze meeting Wei Ying's silvery one. "Lan Zhan, wanna take a look?"

He's confused but follows where Wei Ying gestured.

A bunch of clothes lay out in front of him on the counter. Sleeveless, in different lengths.

He's confused.

The clerk clearly sees his confusion and pipes up. "We have a number of different styles of binders, I'm certain you will find a style that works."

Binders?

He looks to Wei Ying, lost. Wei Ying smiles and brushes his thumb over the back of Lan Zhan's hand.

"Lan Zhan, binders help you flatten your chest," he supplies.

It takes a moment, his brain not fully online after everything, but it clicks. He glances at them then back up.

"You mean?"

Wei Ying nods. "You can hopefully feel more comfortable in your skin and then wear that shirt. Because, Lan Zhan, ah, Lan Zhan… You looked /so/ good in that shirt."

Lan Zhan blushes and gives a gentle squeeze in thanks to Wei Ying's hand.

They spend a bit going over the different styles and what they are best for before Lan Zhan settles on one he likes.

They move to a change room and Lan Zhan is handed a tape measure to check his measurements.

Once that's done, the clerk quickly grabs the correct size.

"It is generally ideal for you to have someone with you when first trying on a binder, to help in case you get stuck," the clerk says. "I can help you if you desire, or your boyfriend here could join you. It's up to you."

Lan Zhan's mind reels at that thought. Wei Ying seeing him. More of him than he's ever seen before. It… It doesn't scare him as much as he'd thought it would. He's never liked his body, but Wei Ying loves him.

"I would like Wei Ying," he says sheepishly.

Wei Ying smiles, something indiscernible in it.

Wei Ying takes the binder and begins to follow Lan Zhan into the change room when he stops. "Oh, would we he be able to wear it out of the store if it fits?"

Lan Zhan's eyebrows scrunch slightly in confusion.

"There's a shirt I want him to try again with it on."

Oh…

The clerk smiles. "Sure, that's fine as long as we have the tags to scan it. It's recommended you wash it before wearing."

"Great! Yeah! We'll take it off after that, thank you!"

The pair enter the change room and Lan Zhan is very aware of what comes next.

He's nervous, but Wei Ying's hand gently coming to rest on his back calms him. "You alright?" Wei Ying asks to which Lan Zhan nods. "Good. Okay, you ready to try on a binder?"

Lan Zhan hesitates, trying to fully process everything, then nods again."

Wei Ying gently rubs circles on his back. "Alright. Tell me if it's too much. I don't want to push you at all or make you uncomfortable. I hope you know that."

"I do," Lan Zhan says quickly, turning to face him. "I know. Thank you. I am okay." He kisses him once, because he can.

Wei Ying smiles and turns around. "I'll be here if you need me. I won't look until you ask me to, okay?"

Lan Zhan's heart swells. "Mn."

It's rather difficult and awkward to put the binder on, he quickly comes to realize. But he manages to get it on.

He looks at himself in the mirror, examining, and works to try and adjust himself as best as he can. It's not perfect, but it's better than he could have ever hoped for. He never had a big chest, his athletic build saw to that, but it was still too much.

He's nearly flat-chested with the binder on, more like it gives the illusion of pecks than breasts.

He stares. He stares and a sob breaks free.

"Lan Zhan?" Wei Ying asks, worry braided into his tone.

"Mn. Fine. Just…" He takes a shaky breath. "Wei Ying, look."

And he does.

"Oh, Lan Zhan! How do you feel?"

Lan Zhan tears his gaze from his body to look at his boyfriend (BOYFRIEND!!!) crying quietly. "Good. I feel good. Happy. Overwhelmed but good."

Wei Ying smiles and hugs him tight. "I'm so glad! You like the binder?"

"Mn. Love it."

Wei Ying presses a kiss to the top of his head. "Good, I'm buying it."

"Wei Ying?"

"Ah! Lan Zhan! I think I should get to treat my boyfriend to things he loves and deserves. I will not be swayed."

Lan Zhan huffs, but knows he can't sway him (not that he even wants to).

So, Lan Zhan wears the binder under his clothes, taking a moment to look in the mirror and feel. Wei Ying buys it while he does that.

He comes back, a small brochure of safety information for binding in his hand. "C'mon Lan Zhan! We've got a shirt to try and buy!"

This time, when Lan Zhan tries the shirt, he doesn't hide at all. He stands tall and proud, feeling confident in his appearance for the first time since he can remember. It's all so much, but in a /good/ way.

Lan Zhan changes, removing the binder with Wei Ying's help.

At the counter, Lan Zhan pulls out his wallet only to find Wei Ying has already tapped his card on the machine. Lan Zhan glares at him and Wei Ying laughs.

"Ah~ Lan Zhan! I told you I'm treating you to the things you love and deserve!"

Lan Zhan only glares harder.

Wei Ying takes the bag, placing the binder in it, then places a chaste kiss to Lan Zhan's cheek.

"I love you," he whispers in Lan Zhan's ear.

A shiver runs through him. "Love Wei Ying too," he replies dryly.

Wei Ying laughs free and bright. Lan Zhan will follow him anywhere.

----------

Well! Was not expecting to write a threadfic tonight, let alone one this long haha. I just got the idea of lwj quietly correcting wwx with "he" as his way of coming out and wwx just not really reacting, and somehow this happened 😅

Link to thread

#wangxian #threadfic #cw: gender dysphoria #cw: body dysmorphia #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #trans #transji #trans lan wangji #trans lan zhan #lan wangji #lan zhan #wei wuxian #wei ying #from twitter #wisedawn13 #fanfic #fanfiction

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