#too many fucking emotions

[highladyluck]

I am absolutely not functional today, but my hair is perfect

#personal #too many fucking emotions #started the day flames on the side of my face angry about a work thing #and then #my coworker mentioned dealing with nausea as a side effect of something today #and I got so jealous (and scared) that she might be pregnant #when I should feel sad that she’s dealing with something that causes nausea #and I think it’s earlier than she was planning to be trying for kids #the idea of trying to do her job and mine scares me #and I am so jealous of everyone with babies right now and I feel like absolute shit about that #might delete later

[ahalliance]

crowley perhaps did the bravest thing in his 6000 years of existence and was greeted with his worst nightmare in return. i’m sooo incredibly normal

#good omens #good omens s2 spoilers #go2 spoilers #gos2 spoilers #good omens spoilers #good omens season 2 #i am . devastated #that’s the closest word to it #but fuck . phenomenal season and ending for making me feel so many shrimp emotions #jay rambles #shoutout to ineffable bureaucracy . real winners in all that #nina and maggie won too because now that theyre on the same page they’ll actually be able to develop a healthy relationship #unlike SOME OTHER PEOPLE #1k

[stillw4t3r]

ik everyone is in mourning because of episode 6 right now but can we just appreciate how batshit this season was?? the entire time i was asking myself how it was real. the magic show with the bullet?? the nazi zombies?? the laudanum scene?? the entire ball sequence?? the entire rob sequence?? ineffable bureaucracy becoming fucking canon???? how is season 2 real

#neil was right when he said this season was going to be nice and romantic or whatever #it was so pleasant and fun until episode 6 #it was so fucking funny too i was laughing out loud on so many occasions #im feeling so many emotions well done gomens crew yall did outstanding #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens season 2 #good omens spoilers #good omens season 2 spoilers #go2 spoilers

[levemetal]

We all know and love the AUs where either SY!SQQ or SJ!SQQ get dosed with truth serum and hilariously clear up a bunch of stuff, but consider:

Yue Qingyuan accidentally gets truth serum-ed, said truth serum removes all brain to mouth filters and makes him voice his thoughts a loud.

Not only would this probably lead to him reconciling with SJ and just speaking about the damn cave incident, but also be unbearably honest to everyone else.

I cannot imagine ANY of the peak lords would be able to look at him the same ever again, we all know this man is deeply unhinged and SJ-co-dependent deep to his soul.

Mu Qingfang would probably have to deal with the worst of it as he frantically tries to find some cure so that they don't have to collectively hide their sect leader and stop him from saying real unhinged stuff

#svsss #yue qingyuan #mxtx svsss #the peak lords realizing their sect leader is a lot less adjusted and domesticated on the inside #and at the same time they really want him to stop gushing about xiao jiu #sj is probably dying of a qi deviation caused by too many fucking emotions #mu qingfang has never been so stressed at his job his entire life #and then they have to deal with disgusting reconciled qijiu #they'll live tho there's worse things than their sect leader being happy and sqq finally somewhat chilling tf out #probably #let me know what you think even if just in tags i read that stuff always

[kiisaes]

I don't think there will ever be a better redemption character than bkg and I'm genuinely being so serious. like not really and I'm sure there's a lot of great examples but bkg's arc is so complete. it's so realized and thematically perfect and consistent and there's truly nothing better than watching this dude change throughout the years. like being forced to shift his point of view and realize that he's not the top of the world and have the entire story humble him relentlessly the MOMENT he got to ua. how he represents the quirk majority and how his bad behavior mirrored how society treated those lesser than and how in order to break from that mindset, in order to be a better hero, he had to go through his own personal growth. how his superiority complex is infinitely fueled by his inferiority complex and vice versa and how both of those complexes were jumpstarted by his feelings for deku. how he tried struggling against change before reluctantly working alongside it, then accepting it, then surrendering himself to it, then dying by it. he'd rather die than go back to his old ways, he'd rather die than view deku as any less of a necessity. he is always challenged, always working so hard, always wanting to be the best and the narrative hates him and his past actions so much but he prevails anyway. this dude sucked, yeah, but his development is one of the most satisfying parts of reading this manga. anyone with a functioning brain knows this dude isn't the same as he was from the start and even if he died a fucking year ago I can honestly rest easy knowing that he died a changed man. he's so good. hes so real. he's so honest and true and his last thoughts feel like a plea from the void and a final hurrah all the same

like just look at this, man. (first anniversary piece -> most recent anniversary piece)

he might have been the jerkiest jerkwad in the first season but he is anything but that in the latest

#getting emotional about Him again #i have so many thoughts about bkg it's actually insane. i need help #i started an entire bkg presentation nearly 2 years ago and someday ill finish it. no i wont. it will be too long to finish #but im just saying even if hori didnt plan for this development from the start #he fucking pulled through #bnha #mha #bakugou katsuki #becki rambles about stuff

[artsy-1diot]

why u so eyes

also silly doodle of a thought I had a few days ago under cut

#toontown #toontown corporate clash #ttcc #firesetter #pacesetter #graham ness payser #firestarter #flint bonpyre #i fucking love rendering my art!!!! i love blending highlights and shadows!!!!!!!!!they make my drawings look so cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D #im proud of this drawing ngl i should render eyelids more often #smiled almost the entire time while drawing this too #i have so many emotions about them and not enough goofy vocabulary to express it #ok ok im normal i'll be normal now i swear (lying) #stupid made this

[flamemons]

It's alright to scream

I'm screaming too

Why'd you think I do the things I do?

For shadows haunted me like ghosts

So I became what I feared the most

I conduct fear like electricity

A manmade monstrosity

Killer — The Hoosiers

i woke up from a nap with this song stuck in my head and. yea

#kouichi kimura #koichi kimura #digimon frontier #digimon #AGH ok drawing to a song is. a new level of vulnerability for me and im trying to get past the mental block of OH THATS TOO CRINGE #because cringe isnt REAL #((but it sure feels like it)) #i fucked up and accidentally made a kouichi playlist and so many of my favorite edgy songs ended up applying to him #and i was like....hmm ok.....this kid is suddenly very interesting #...not that he isnt already very interesting like. he is but hes still sort of hard to grasp since he never had time to really be himself #....anyway #i have. so many thoughts about songs i associate with takuya but. i cant draw that #because i would go through organ failure #like i would literally explode and die #oh the struggle of admitting i have human emotions

[blinkpen]

another huge problem with viv's writing is she was so damn impatient to just get to the part where the status quo gets shaken up and revel in it she decided to just fucking teleport there and failed to spend any time at all establishing a status quo TO be shaken up and so literally nothing in the show feels earned and everything feels rushed and confusing constantly as the tracks get laid in front of the train as its rolling

this is something i call "narrative speedrunning" and it is something you literally can never go back and fix, and that's a big part of why heckuva badshow is kind of unsalvageable and was doomed to be from the very beginning, which, like,

[mr krabbs voice]

i warned ye!

#hhhhverse tag of spite #the truth seekers episode is hilarious for this #like #time to resolve moxxie's character arc about being too meek and not speaking his mind to blitz! #what character arc. he doesn't even have that issue. we have literally never seen him back down from speaking his mind #he just get buttmonkey'd whenever he does. and then he still does it? #him bitching and objecting to what blitz does and says is what. 90% of their dialogue #the pilot Opens with him arguing with blitz. the first episode was him defying blitz Repeatedly. he talks back All The Time. #what the fuck are you talking about Big Sad Emotional Heart to Heart moment #you literally havent shown us any of the shit you are making such a big deal about resolving in this scene?? i feel fucking nothing??? #hello??? #i never watched this show for fun but to Study It it's like a How To Not Guide for SO MANY things holy shit

[zo1nkss]

sobbing on my kitchen floor

Crew how are we

#ofmd #ofmd s2 #our flag means death #CAN U BELIEVE WE GOT ANOTHER MOONLIGH5 SCENE #losing my FUCKING mind AND THEY KISSED!! AND HELD HANDS!!! #i can't #AND STIZZY WAS HOT LILE HOLY FUCK #i have too many emotions

[tswwwit]

was bill mad at the cultists BEFORE he knew about the whole “we cut out your husband’s tongue for being ‘blasphemous’” thing? id imagine he’s the type to be mad at anyone (but him, if current dipper is into that) messing up his stuff. and was there a point where he clocked just how traumatized cult!dipper was?

Bill's initial impression was that they were a bunch of goddamn jackasses, but he wasn't mad at them yet! Sure, they scratched up his husband pretty deeply, and that's more than worthy of some retaliation. But it did summon him right to the guy! Punishment could be put off; he was pretty high on getting to see his human again! And, hey, what's the point in obliterating a perfectly good cult? Someone would pay eventually, but there wasn't a good reason to exterminate 'em. Once he brought Dipper home, and noticed how he behaved, though - That's when he started getting really irritated.

Too scrawny, for one. Too scared, for another. Bill's no stranger to inflicting horrible mental damage and the signs were all there! It'd be one thing to have a worshipful, devout husband bowing and scraping and flattering his ego. It was another entirely to see him shiver in terror while avoiding Bill as much as possible. Displaying no curiosity, no stubborn tendencies. No real kick to the guy, while also failing to eat well or drink well or thrive, even outside of that environment. And always, infuriatingly, remaining completely silent.

Something went down back at that ramshackle patched-together pile of crap they called a cult, and it was not to Bill's liking. And once the tongue thing came to light? That was the last fucking straw.

#answers #Some semi-BIll POV here #He's used to messing someone up super bad #Done it a lot himself! He's seen so many varieties of mental trauma that can be inflicted! #Dipper just happens to be the one exception where he's *not* happy about it #Recognizing that there were Some Big Issues didn't take Bill more than half a day #The PROBLEM is that Bill's used to CREATING those issues. Not helping fix them #Untangling the whole Dipper-trauma is gonna have Dipper doing most of the heavy lifting #Incredible knowledge about the mind does not equal incredible ability to Do Emotions Good #Bill might care but he's too emotionally constipated to do anything vaguely helpful without three different levels of deniability #And possibly a level of unawareness of how upset HE is about the situation #Caring is relatively new to this man; he is still working out how the fuck it works

[its-your-mind]

Tbh I??? Really love these Bell’s Hells Company Retreat Activities???? Bc like. It’s not like any of them have been overly cagey this whole time, or actively hiding big secrets from each other. (someone at some point mentioned how BUCKwild it would have been to watch the M9 try to play What The Fuck Is Up With That within the first ten episodes of c2, with all the shit all of them were hiding and how much their early relationships were based on a mutual understanding that no one would expect each other to bring up the past unless it became a danger - the only one who ever poked that particular bear was Beau with Caleb at the start when she traded access to the Archive for the reason why Caleb gets fucked up by fire, and that private conversation shaped their relationship for the rest of the campaign BUT I digress.)

Nothing anyone confessed during the Honesty exercise was… a surprise. The only one who hadn’t shared the entirety of his past (that he remembered) was Chetney, and his was never the past that felt like a threat - that revelation was more along the lines of FCG’s type of “tell me about your family trauma so I can fix you” line of questioning.

The truths the Hells offered up to each other… they were significant (Fearne, I was disappointed in you for being afraid of your power), and scary (deep down, both Delilah and I kind of want the shard), and hard to say out loud (even on the nights I bunk up with one of you, I feel so lonely), but critically, so little of it was surprising. No one was sharing anything earth-shattering about their pasts or previously unknown plans for future betrayal.

And during the Communication exercise - none of them - Chetney, Imogen, Ashton, or Orym - doubted that their directors were leading them the wrong way. They listened, and paid attention to instructions, and didn’t try their own path because they felt like they knew better.

And then during Trust! The part that should have been the hardest!! All of them were obviously distrustful of each other, shooting around stressed looks, sending familiars to dive-bomb to check for flesh, but like… none of them actually turned on each other. None of them ganged up, or broke off, or stood in opposition - they were wary of each other, and they got the task done.

So… it didn’t really lead to any huge shifts in the dynamic. But that was never really what they needed! The Hells have trusted each other since the beginning, and even when they’re actively having to fight each other, it’s always with a desperation born from a place of concern. They really do care for and love each other. I don’t think any of them, if they sat down to think about it, truly believed that one of them was going to betray the others.

But they haven’t had time to sit and think about it. They have been actively fighting the literal end of the world since like… ep 45 (first irl Ludinus sighting/convo). The apocalypse happened. Has been happening. For thirty episodes now. They spent a good chunk of that time apart from each other, and then the rest of it desperately reaching out to anyone with more power than themselves to beg for their help.

So yeah! It’s not a big surprise that they’re all bottling up a lot of their own shit right now! There aren’t that many personal issues that feel like they deserve more attention than the literal end of the world.

It was inevitable something was going to give. And since Ashton’s shit was up next for dissection because they had a past that brushed up against the Primordials? Of course they were the one whose internal lockdown broke first. And of course when it did, it physically shattered Ashton, too, right along those same fault lines where Milo put them back together the first time. It’s so good that they had friends who were there, past and present, to make sure none of the pieces got lost. To put them back together.

We watched Laudna break down right after, specifically because she was back home, in this place where Delilah had first tortured and killed her, where she had lived as a wraith haunting a castle. Delilah had been slowly picking the lock on the cage the Hells had forced her into, and Ashton’s “betrayal” was the last tumbler Delilah needed to snap into place to break the lock in Laudna’s mind. And her mind shattered, fragmented in the same way it had been after she was first brought back as Delilah’s vessel. How beautiful that it was Laudna’s love of children and her desire to make Ashton a gift (meant to be part insult, “because you’re a child,” and declaration of her care for him, “I like children.”)

And Fearne… Fearne almost broke down after them. Slamming the hammer down next to Ashton’s head over and over and over, screaming at him, wandering away through the city, sleeping alone in the woods… She saw the cliff’s edge coming. That’s why she asked them if they could stop at her Nana’s first.

Because she needed it. And the rest of the Hells say, “Why? Do you think Nana Morri can help us in this?” And Fearne says, “Well, I don’t know, but…” And Imogen says, “Do you need it for you?” And Fearne says, in a small and shattered voice, “…yes.”

And that’s the end of the discussion.

They go home, to a place where they are safe and have time, for the first time since Ruidus was locked in place.

And so they have time to be Honest - and they are. Fearne likes to watch them all and play with their hair while they sleep. Orym has thought through how he would neutralize them if he absolutely had to. Ashton thinks it would be better for him to be dead than for Fearne to be hurt. Imogen is scared to face her mom. Laudna dreams of leaving this behind. FCG is jealous of the people around him with a heart, because they have possibilities he doesn’t. Chetney hasn’t settled down once in 400 years because he’s scared he’s cursed to drive away any family he has.

Behind all of this - I want to know everything about you. I need to make sure you don’t hurt each other. I would sacrifice myself to keep you from pain. I don’t want to choose between my blood and this family we’ve built. I want you all to be safe. I want you to pursue happiness. I don’t want to lose you.

And then, Communication - follow along this path. Listen to my voice. Keep calm, keep quiet. Stay the course. I will keep you safe. Keep walking, keep walking, and… you’re there, honey.

And finally, Trust. Two of them are going to be replaced by fae beings bent on preventing them from completing their mission, and they have to complete this task without letting the infiltrators stop them. Okay. Let’s all stick together. Keep eyes on each other. Wait for the doppelgängers to give themselves away somehow. Do you remember these small, banal details about our mutual history? There’s a possibility that action you took was malicious, but I know you well enough to know that might have been a mistake you made on your own. Here, I’ll walk into traps to show that I’m not going to stop you. I’ll get out of your way and take out the threats. I’ll be eyes in the sky and send my familiar to poke you to test if you feel like you should. But nothing you’re doing makes me see you as a real threat - just the possibility of one. I trust you. I trust in you. I trust myself to know enough about you to identify if you’re doing something differently than normal.

And the result of those exercises? No new information, but maybe some things that we all had lost track of amongst the chaos. I am not shocked by your Honesty. I know deep down that I can rely on your Communication. I do Trust you. I know you. I care for you. I know you care for me, too. Even when I have doubts, even when you fuck up, even when things break bad and you make the wrong call…

We are a team for a reason, and no matter what we said in the beginning, it is not just out of necessity or convenience. Are we a bunch of fucked up, broken people? Absolutely. Are we going to continue to fuck up? Probably. Does that change how we feel about each other? No. Never. As long as you’ll have me, I’ll be here, fighting alongside you. Helping you up when you stumble. Offering a shoulder when you need to cry. Standing over you to protect you if you fall. Laughing with you in good times, kicking ass for you in bad. This is our family, damn it. It is strange, and broken, but it is ours, and it is good.

#critical role #bells hells #c3e80 #cr3 #c3 #this got away from me a bit maybe??? but fuck!! I was feeling so many damn emotions this episode!!! this is obvs a v watsonian take #I also wanted to add the doyalist take that the players needed some role play that was like… thematically appropriate (shit be fucked) #but without world-altering stakes #it’s been a stressful time!! #I am glad that they were having fun with the dnd mini games matt made for them #but anyway the post got too fuckin long so there it is in the tags #fuck I love this story

[bizarrelittlemew]

speechless because @xoxoemynn sent me custom-made commemorative coasters and a mug of the time david jenkins reblogged my gifset i mean PLEASE 😭😭😭

I'M IN TEARS EMY WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE YOU. NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THE CARD BECAUSE I WILL CRY FR AGAIN

i was already so grateful you'd send along the stuff i ordered (and the most well-traveled lil vampire guy who has now found a purple crocodino boyfriend in denmark, look at them!!) and then you did all this what the fuck 😭

(i got the t-shirt and a few of the stickers myself but i was NOT PREPARED FOR ALL THIS)

i'm struggling to find words for how touched i am and how lucky i feel to have you in my life 😭

i think this might have healed something in me from having the cancellation happen on my birthday (😔✌️) like this fandom is incredible and has helped me meet people who mean so much to me, i couldn't imagine my life without you 💖💖💖 marianne you're the kindest loveliest person and you deserve all the best in the world, thank you for being just the way you are 🥹💗

#🐭📓 #this one goes out to the rest of evil gang too MEOW I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS AKSJDHJKS #seriously this is the... fourth time i've received mail from people i've met through this fandom and EVERY TIME IT GIVES ME SHRIMP EMOTIONS #LIKE HOW ARE THERE SO MANY LOVELY INCREDIBLE PEOPLE HERE #who care enough about little me in this tiny cold country to send such lovely letters 😭 #HEART SO FUCKING FULL

[bloodandfleshautism]

finished mob psycho 100. I am fundamentally changed as a person at my core. There are tears in my eyes. I am sobbing. I have never been this emotional as a result of a piece of media before. good fucking god

#I’m not. like. crying but I’m VERY close to it #this is because I cannot cry very often #I swear to GOD I have never seen something that has made me feel so many things at once #I am in fucking shambles #my heart #shaking #going insane #everything hit way too hard way too close #oh god #fuck #I am so so so destroyed #I didn’t know this was going to be so emotional #I think it is now one of my all time favourite anime #it’s up there #mob psycho 100 #mp100

[caffeinelemur]

Stolitz Communication Styles

I feel like I need to talk about this.

Stolas’ high education and verbal gymnastics, versus Blitzø’s lack of equivalent education, dyslexia, and difficulty expressing emotions, especially through words. Because it plays a huge part in why they haven’t been, and still aren’t, communicating effectively. Also both of them are neurodivergent as fuck and communication is a bitch for us anyway.

Specifically, this is a dive into that different classes/mindsets dynamic, leading up to a look at that text conversation at the end of Western Energy, and how it leads into their possible growth.

From the very start of the series, Blitzø shows that he has difficulty with writing/spelling and prefers verbal communication. (Even if we look outside the instagrams, which are not technically canon.) The first episode has the billboard that was entirely speech-to-text and not proofread, (he’s too uncomfortable writing that big of a message out, and he thought it was easier to just say it, and was thus not equipped to proofread or edit it, as that would mean he was capable of knowing how to write it out correctly in the first place), his text messages and notes are generally short and often full of typos and phonetic spelling, and his whiteboard is usually covered in doodles and small attempts at writing that varies in levels of spelling prowess. He uses pictographs to help in proving his point or explaining his thought process. He has trouble expressing himself verbally, as his true feelings are expressed through actions, but his direct, vulgar, and often angry or insensitive wording and tone make it difficult for most people to see past this to his actual true feelings, (not to mention he often lies to others and to himself about those anyway). Issues with tone and blunt speech are a big thing with neurodivergent people, autistic and ADHD people especially, of which I think Blitzø is both. Stan an AuDHD king.

Stolas is rich, highly educated, and spent much of his life, especially early on, reading books instead of socializing. His house basically doubles as a library. He said himself that he “loves words”, and got excited about reading legal documents. He uses flowery, posh language and carefully talks around other people using this skill. His emotionally abusive past, both with his father and with Stella, make him a careful people-pleaser, and so he’s constantly giving others the upper hand in a conversation, more give than take, in attempts to not anger or have his intentions misunderstood and then incite said anger. A common thing in both abuse victims and neurodivergent people, especially autistic people, which Stolas clearly is. He does also have issues with tone and knowing when he should and shouldn’t say certain things, and he can often misunderstand others’ points and questions, and then answers or responds too bluntly or literally. Hashtag Just Autism Things.

Blitzø is an imp, the lowest class alongside hellhounds, and was raised in a circus. He clearly did not grow up wealthy in any respect (as his father resorted to selling his son and stealing from the fucking Ars Goetia so quickly, though that could also be attributed to just being living trash), nor is he particularly affluent now, as his small apartment has literally one bedroom, for Loona, and he sleeps on the couch. He outright says he can’t afford art classes. He hasn’t had the same level of educational opportunities as Stolas. On top of that, he’s also dyslexic, based on how, when he does write, it’s either written phonetically, as he would say the word, or he gets letters flipped around. He can write coherently, he’s not illiterate, but usually only when he tries really hard. He mixes capitals and lowercase in the same word sometimes. He’s even worse at texting than he is at writing by hand, with many typos, and resorting to text-speak abbreviations and emojis to lessen the amount of time he has to take trying to type shit out, and, again, doesn’t proofread.

Taking all of this into account, Blitzø is not going to understand a lot of what Stolas says when he uses larger words and talks around a point, especially since, unlike Stolas most of the time, Blitzø is very direct and uncensored when he talks (as in, no brain-to-mouth filter, but also he uses vulgarity in place of more eloquent speech), and when he is trying to say things with actual forethought, he ends up stuttering and has trouble finding the right words (ADHD brain fail ftw), and then gets angry at himself, and occasionally takes it out on others too (poor Moxxie). Stolas tries to talk around the point and backtracks his own words even more in stressful or emotional situations, giving more ground to the other, and this difference in stress response plays a part in their misunderstanding and inability to see from the other’s perspective.

In the first episode, during Stolas’ inopportune phone call, Blitzø thinks he’s being insulted when Stolas uses the word “grimoire,” because he doesn’t know it and always jumps to this conclusion, then has to get Stolas to stop using flowery language to talk around the point by telling him to “stop using your fancy ass rich people talk,” and Stolas has to change the way he’s been speaking to be more direct and clear. (He doesn’t retain this information for later, sadly).

All of this, to talk about the post-Ozzie’s text conversations. We know several things now:

1) Blitzø is not good with spelling and is more comfortable using pictographs to make his point, which you can’t do in a text. He’s also uncomfortable with honest emotional expression and has problems with tone.

2) Stolas uses overly flowery and complicated language to express himself, leading to paragraphs of talking around the main point in an attempt to explain his meaning, often to the extent that it’s extremely unclear what the point is that he’s actually trying to get to. This gets worse when he’s trying too hard to express himself or is thinking too much about the other person’s response.

3) They both have little experience with conversation of an emotional nature that’s not coming with some sort of protective front (Stolas’ open-ended people-pleasing statements, Blitzø’s use of false anger and vulgarity to push people away), so when they do try to say something without the mask, the other is unequipped for the change and misunderstands the intentions, especially when it’s through text.

Blitzø is uncomfortable with writing and especially with texting, and so says very little, using short abbreviated text-speak and emojis to express himself, like he would with his drawings. Stolas overexplains and writes paragraphs of vague statements and loquaciousness in an attempt to get a point across. These are very different approaches to the situation, and from the other’s perspective they come across differently than they intend, due to the conflicting communication styles.

So.

In the text conversations we see in Western Energy, Blitzø says very little, and doesn’t initiates the conversation. Stolas sends walls of text, overexplaining and going back and forth on his intent and the purpose of the text.

Now, we know that Stolas is trying to give Blitzø space and options, and clearly cares a lot about his feelings, and is going out of his way to make sure he’s comfortable with the situation. In doing so, he gives him several outs, minimizes the entire experience at Ozzie’s at his own expense (and therefore Blitzø’s, but he doesn’t understand that yet), and pokes at the idea of talking emotionally far too soon for Blitzø, who is freshly re-traumatizing himself from said experience at Ozzie’s.

Stolas, from his own perspective, is giving so much and getting very little in return (a common theme in his life). He would see this lack of reciprocity in communication as lack of interest or being upset. A common thing irl, it’s easy to read a “K” after a long emotional message as a negative or indifferent response, regardless of the other party’s true feelings. (Which is possibly why a lot of people get upset on Stolas’ behalf in this moment, thinking Blitzø doesn’t care as much about Stolas as Stolas does him. It’s a common thing to experience. It’s not true, though.)

Meanwhile, Blitzø already hates writing, is bad at expressing himself in general, and reads into everything as negative. He thinks that when someone says something he doesn’t fully understand that they’re insulting him or making fun of him, or he misunderstands the intention and wording to be an insult (tonal and indirect or vague speech issues), like with that first phone call with Stolas, the “that’s what she said” joke Loona made, and Crimson’s mention of hearing things about him. He has a lifetime of evidence to back up this thought process. He is constantly demeaned and insulted by larger Hell society, and was treated as unworthy and lesser since childhood. He also just fucking hates himself and blames himself for everything. He’s not gonna suddenly gush his feelings, especially over text. He’s also gonna read into others’ words extremely negatively, until the true meaning is explicitly explained to him. Which isn’t very likely in a text conversation, when he’s not going to ask for proper clarification and the other party can’t tell that he’s misconstruing the intention and so doesn’t know they need to explain more anyway.

So, he isn’t going to initiate a text conversation unless it’s for a serious reason. He clearly doesn’t use it as a method of conversation as much as a quick way to get in touch with other people and exchange information (ex- his seemingly “impossible to misunderstand” text to Loopty in C.H.E.R.U.B. & his conversation about the portal with Millie in Seeing Stars). In Blitzø’s eyes, Stolas says "hey this is/isn’t happening", and he says "ok got the info" and he moves on from there. Information exchange. Then Stolas starts trying too hard, after Ozzie’s, to take his feelings into account without fully understanding Blitzø’s feelings to begin with, and starts backtracking and talking around the point again. He already got Blitzø’s reply, but then backtracks, which doesn’t give Blitzø the direct information he needs, leading to him misunderstand the proffered options as a dismissal instead of a clear confirmation with the option for him to refuse. Blitzø already is going to have issues reading/fully understanding the long wordy messages Stolas sends, he isn’t going to understand the nuance that Stolas’ specific phrasing is trying to say, and is going to see a “but you don’t have to/only if you want” attempt at giving him autonomy and boundaries, as a “don’t/I don’t want you to” full negation.

Stolas is also downplaying their experience at Ozzie’s, which is not only negating his own traumatic experiences with being shamed and insulted (not the healthiest mindset), but also minimizes Blitzø’s feelings and experience then as a result. Blitzø is going to see this as confirmation that it wasn’t as important/emotionally painful to Stolas as it was to Blitzø. Stolas making light of a situation that started a breakdown for Blitzø just proves to Blitzø that he’s the one overreacting, and that Stolas does find him less important, as the entire situation was already about Stolas valuing him less, in his eyes.

Stolas trying to overexplain and backtrack in the lack of access to Blitzø’s own thoughts is hurting them both in this situation. None of his pushing and flip-flopping is going to make Blitzø more eager to initiate a conversation or respond more, especially through a form he’s uncomfortable with using. And this makes Stolas feel unheard and undervalued, which leads to him try even harder, which leads to Blitzø shutting himself off even more, and so on. A lovely miscommunication feedback loop.

And knowing all of this is what makes that last text so important.

Blitzø initates the conversation for the first time. He writes what is, for him, a full sentence, with an emoji. He’s expressing himself as best he can, and is showing his actual feelings in the message. He’s going out of his way to say something to Stolas.

Which then… Stolas overwhelms him with more emotions and words. He’s not comfortable with emotional conversation and too much at once would freak him out, and the immediate upfront honest thoughts Stolas sends in the wake of Blitzø’s own emotional expression aren’t what he necessarily needs or wants to deal with, especially so soon after that worldview-shattering realization, the following guilt spiral, and the subsequent opening up that the first text is.

Yet he then, in spite of these hurdles, starts to reply.

But he gives up.

We don’t know for sure what he was going to say, but an easy read of his thoughts would be: he tried to express his feelings again in some way, was failing to do it right, was overwhelmed with feelings he didn’t know how to handle, and angrily gave up. Probably cursing himself out for even trying.

It’s not callous or uncaring or lacking reciprocity. It’s the full opposite. He’s trying so hard, but failing again. He cares so much and is incapable of expressing it verbally and unable to receive similar care in return.

Look back to the other time he tried this hard to write something emotional. The letter for Fizz. The love letter. And see how that situation went? He got overwhelmed, angry at everything and at himself for thinking he could try at all, and it all ended in fucking disaster. That he blames himself for. That he hates himself for. But here he tried to do it again anyway, while thinking, again, what happened to Stolas was his fault. That one message means so fucking much.

To Blitzø, the idea of visiting Stolas in the hospital was out of the question entirely, and him being asked to so immediately and candidly would make his guilty brain fall over itself even more. He’s never been allowed to visit his loved ones in the hospital, and the entire reason they were hospitalized to begin with was because of Blitzø, so how could this situation be any different? He wasn’t allowed to visit Fizz or Barbie, people who at least at one point he believed cared about him, so he’s definitely not going to be allowed to visit Stolas, who he already thinks doesn’t really give a shit.

That text was the best he could do at that time.

To really communicate effectively, these two need to sit down in front of each other and actually explain where they’re coming from. The lack of knowledge of the other’s position and situation, both in their past and currently in this relationship, is hurting them, and making understanding each other more difficult. The class difference and the differences in upbringing, despite both having garbage fathers and fucking meeting each other as children, are impeding their understanding and view of the other. Both Stolas’ obliviousness toward the actual differences in station and opportunity between him and imps as a whole, and inability to realize Blitzø’s personal difficulties with communication (based in the same place he’s blind to), and Blitzø’s (valid) disdain for the upper class and his view of the stronger, and especially of Stolas, as too good and important to bother with him and too powerful to feel actual pain, are the things they need to fucking address.

Blitzø already got this worldview fucked with, between seeing Stolas worry so much over his daughter, and then actually getting badly hurt. He now knows Stolas can care, and that he can feel pain, and that makes him at least peripherally aware that he’s able to be emotionally hurt.

By Blitzø.

Stolas, meanwhile, is vaguely at the point of comprehending he holds more power in their dynamic because of their differences in status, and him holding the key to Blitzø’s entire business and livelihood. He now knows Blitzø didn’t think he wanted anything other than sex, because of his hasty and overly selfish attempt at keeping him around. And it was a sex deal! He realizes he was wrong for holding that over Blitzø and that his actions and words in the past helped cause the misunderstanding that he didn’t care for Blitzø past getting sexual favors.

Stolas is gonna try to fix this power imbalance by giving up the entire premise of their current relationship, in the vain hope Blitzø will understand and then reciprocate his actual feelings, while Blitzø is now vaguely trying to actively prove he gives a shit about people, even while unsure of Stolas’ feelings toward him, and the result of these intentions clashing is gonna be a goddamn mess, unless miraculously they can communicate around the inevitable misunderstanding.

Please somebody let them explain themselves and have the other fucking listen.

They both love each other, but are fucked up from trauma and are neurodivergent, so they express themselves differently and can barely figure out their own shit, let alone explain it to the other. Get therapy and try new communication styles.

But they are slowly learning. They have the tools and ability to figure this out if they both try. It’s not futile. It just might take some fuck ups and more time to fully get there.

Sincerely, an AuDHD emotional abuse victim that sees themself in both of these idiots and wants to scream.

#caff rants #helluva boss #the fuck are the tags even #stolitz #helluva boss blitzø #helluva boss stolas #blitzø has too many spelling options i dont want to tag all of them #helluva boss blitz #helluva boss blitzo #im bad at tagging #i just saw the trailer after i wrote this so like im pulling it out if my drafts before the emotional shitstorm that approaches #I hope this made sense

[dandelion-roots]

[ID: a digital drawing of Riz Gukgak from D20 fantasy high from the waist up. He looks like he's holding onto sanity by a thread and is covered in blood as he attempts to sew a finger back onto Biz's hand and says, ha ha, oopsie! End ID]

Damn man being 14 sure is tough... It's all just pimples this, brutally shooting off a classmate's fingers before figuring out he wasn't the mastermind and then immediately regretting it that...

#dimension 20 #d20 fantasy high #fantasy high spoilers #fantasy high freshman year #riz gukgak #watched the whole first season in a blur and have many emotions about them #my homicidal princesses etc etc #never watched a campaign before so i just went from la di da in episode 1 to rocking on the floor w adaine in ep 2 #i half regret not writing down the moments i wanted to draw but also i am going to watch the hell out of moments compilations on yt #so im sure ill remember at least some #too many good moments to count #have to do the 'yes!' thing. i just have to #fantasy high freshman year spoilers #ill skip the live one shots for now and go straight to sophomore and then come back later #also hi. just in general. what the fuck what the absolute fuck #i see why this was meant to be watched on a weekly level

[shadeofazmeinya]

I’ve been much too busy with real life stuff to really comment about RT closing down. But I do just want to take a moment to seriously thank the fandom over the years, especially the AH fandom that was so kind to me and my writing in the past. To everyone who ever left a nice comment on a fic or a nice note in the reblogs, thank you. To everyone who ever shared their work, thank you. I will forever miss the joy and creativity of the fandom coming up with aus and whole worlds, working together on creative projects, cheering each other on when creative works got noticed. I met so many amazing people and made so many friends through RT and for that I am very grateful. I wish the best for every RT employee in finding a way forward and up from here. And to finding friends in the fandom again along the way

#not gonna put in main tags #i say busy #while i have been busy with work and school #im also just too emotional #im just #really fucking sad #for many things at once #but also this #its sad #im gonna support the employees as i can #but im still sad #anyway #back to hiding again i guess #maybe one day i can write again #if theres still any people to read fics i may write for other fandoms #but i miss u all so much #ignore me