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rowanaelinn · 11 months

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Happiness - Chapter Two

Happy Birthday @backtobl4ck !!! I rushed this one, but I know you were excited for it so I wanted to post it today for you! I hope you are having a great day!

Warnings: PTSD | Word Count: 3,400

As a hand brushed his shoulder, hope bloomed in his chest. He’d been standing here for more than an hour now, but it was alright. She was here now. He could work past the humiliation of talking everyone’s ears off about his wife for months now just for her to come out late, but only for her beautiful eyes. She’d just been late, exactly what he’d thought. Traffic could be awful at this time of the day.

He broke the tense stance and turned around with his lips tipping up. He couldn’t wait to sweep her in his arms. Yes, there’d be a conversation to have later. About his departure, about their fights, and all the calls he’d left unanswered during his time away but… For now, he just wanted to breathe her in.

Yet, he was only left with cold disappointment as he saw Fenrys’ mother there. There was a kind smile on her lips, the one she used to have on her face whenever she had to announce him his parents had forgotten to pick him up when he was a kid. He looked around, but at the exception of Fenrys and Connall, nobody else was there. Everyone had been tapped out already.

“I’m sorry, honey,” the woman who used to take care of him as a kid said.

He wished he could tell her something, that he wasn’t so awkward with people that he could touch her shoulder or lie to her and say that it was okay. Instead, he managed to give her an uncomfortable shrug before turning toward Fenrys. They’d grown up together, went to school together and enrolled in the military together. Even if he pissed off Rowan to no end most of the time, he was still grateful for his friend. “Did she call you?”

Out of all his friends, Aelin got along the best with the twins. She had that weird relationship with Fenrys that made him want to punch the guy in the face most of the time he was near his wife, and he also knew that Connall and Aelin supported each other whenever he and Fenrys were deployed.

He knew the answer before Fenrys shook his head. The man had his emotions written all over his face. “She isn’t answering. Maybe something’s wrong with her phone?”

He had to shut down any reaction he could be feeling. He had to be practical about this situation. Analyzing. Factually, he knew where she was. But if he was correct, it would mean that this would be another problem. It means that down the road he’d find pain. He had enough of pain.

He cleared his throat, chasing all tells of his emotions away. “I’ll take a taxi to the hospital, thank you.” Thank you for waiting, thank you for tapping him out so one of the officers wouldn’t have to do it.

“Nonsense,” Connall said. “Fenrys will catch a ride with Mom, and I’ll drive you.”

He thanked his friend with a nod, and in the car didn’t bother to try to hold a conversation. Connall wasn’t trying, anyway. He knew better than to ask a soldier how they felt so early after they came back from active shooting zone, and he also knew that whenever he and Aelin had… issues, he became even less talkative than he usually was. It was easy to be silent when with Connall.

Connall waited in the parking lot when Rowan asked one of the receptionists to call for Aelin, which he was only allowed to do once he said he was her husband. He was glad there was some semblance of security for the staff of this hospital. He wasn’t naïve enough to think that these places were safe. Aelin would say that he was paranoid.

He looked at posters when he felt her. He couldn’t explain it, knew that there was no scientific reasons as to why whenever she entered a room he felt it. He still did, and had from the first moment they met. He took a deep breath before turning around, and then he allowed himself to take her in. His wife.

She’d changed. There was some fatigue on her face that hadn’t been there when he left, no matter how much she threw herself into work then. He couldn’t help but wonder when her last full night of sleep had been.

She seemed… surprised when she saw him. Surprised, conflicted. Happiness wasn’t the main trait on her features now, and he knew it was the same for him. He couldn’t blame her for that.

When she hugged him, wrapping her arms around him, he wanted to leave. He didn’t want to have that conversation with her, but he’d missed her so fucking much that he still stuck around. At least it’d be time spent with her, even if it was just to argue.

---

“We’re here,” Connall said, and when Rowan looked up, they were indeed parked in front of his house. They hadn’t chosen to live in a military house, instead buying one closer to Aelin’s work and back then, her university. They’d also wanted to avoid the nosiness that came with military towns.

Rowan thought he’d enter the house alone, and maybe unpack. But Connall got out of the car and helped Rowan with his belongings, even if he could have done it alone. He told his friend so.

Connall shrugged, “Don’t stay alone, offer me a beer.”

That made him want to smile.

The house was… cold. Not literally, as Aelin loved to live in warm spaces, but the feeling of entering. He thought he’d find stuff everywhere, knowing how messy his wife was. But no. The house was neatly clean. Not a single thing out of space. Her office had been organized with her messiness, showing how much time she spent there. But this house? It was as if no one had lived there in months. Yes, this house was cold.

“You can just leave these here,” he told Connall, who listened and placed the bag just next to the staircase.

He went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and was glad to find a few beers there. He liked his drinks cold, but Aelin hates beer and since she forgot about him coming… He didn’t think she’d have anything ready. But she did, and these were his favorites.

Should that make him feel as conflicted as he’s feeling now? A simple beer in the fridge?

He grabbed two and closed the door, but before he could walk to the living room where his friend was waiting, his attention was captured by the wall of pictures on his left. It had always been there, but there were a few new pictures. He walked there, wanting to see what he’d missed.

Next to the one that had been taken at their wedding—a beautiful shot of Aelin and her cousin dancing together—was a new picture of her and Fenrys that must have been taken before their deployment. She was dressed in a pink sundress and had the man’s arm wrapped around her shoulder, the both of them grinning. He couldn’t pinpoint it, but there was something wrong with this picture. And it wasn’t Fenrys this time. He trusted his friend and his wife.

Under this one, another picture captured his attention. Was that at Aelin’s graduation last year? He’d been back home that day, but his superior had asked for his help to train new recruits, which means he’d been gone for two weeks. He wished he could have been there, although he hated how much she worked he knew how much she wanted that degree. He felt so proud of her, and wished he could have been there to celebrate but it wasn’t possible. No one can say no to Rowan’s bosses.

But as he admired that picture of her, he had never seen, Aelin holding her degree and smiling for the cameras. No, she wasn’t smiling. That one was a little more obvious than the one picture before but… she was smirking.

It was strange. Yes, he’d seen her make that face a few times over the years, but never when her face was supposed to be filled with happiness. Perhaps it was the biggest tell. Even louder than how she had stopped kissing him before bed two years ago, how she had stopped joining him downstairs after she woke up for coffee, instead choosing to stay hours in their room, always studying. It was even more telling than how she had slowly pulled back, always angling her body away from him.

She wasn’t the same Aelin. She still looked the same, yes. But he barely saw the woman he married in that picture. There was no anger in him, though he had felt so much of it during his deployment. No, his emotions were… numb. How could she look the same and yet so different at the same time?

He looked at another picture then, one taken at their wedding. It was the first picture they’d hung on that wall, and he hadn’t been able to keep his hands off her as they did that. Just as he was glued to her on that picture. She was wearing a short white dress she’d bought at the mall the same morning, and she was tucked right into his side. It didn’t stop him from staring at her, that smile that had felt so natural back then. She was smiling, too. So radiant that she must have blinded the entire room that night.

But next to this picture was a new one taken when he came back from his last deployment. It wasn’t the same expressions. She still smiled, still looked at him but now, when he could compare, it was obvious the difference. She resented him. That wasn’t… wasn’t something he’d ever wanted to face. He’d been happy to ignore it, but how could he when it was so obvious? Did everyone who walked into the house saw it? Did any who ever saw them—

It was instinct that took over as the ringing in his ears appeared, at the way his body froze for half a second when the loud noise made itself heard. He went for his belt, only to not find his gun there. Goddamn it. How could he be in an active warzone and walk without his gun. He grabbed the first thing he saw: a knife. In the next second, he was in fighting stance, ready to kill or be killed.

“Shit, man,” someone breathed on his left. The voice was familiar. He looked and saw Connall.

Connall Moonbeam, a lawyer. Who had nothing to do with the military. He couldn’t be there.

And this room… this wasn’t a desert. It was his house, in Doranelle.

He let the knife fall onto the floor, trying to regulate the shaking in his hands. They weren’t supposed to shake, had never before.

What the fuck was that?

“Rowan, you okay?”

He swallowed, looking around himself. The kitchen, he was in the kitchen. Not there.

“Yes,” he said, trying to sound convincing. He had to get away from here. “Con, can I spend the night at yours?”

---

It was late when Aelin opened the door and was wrapped into the house warmth. Or perhaps it was early. She didn’t really know where the line stood, but she knew that she was picking as many hours in the hospital as possible. Even more so than before.

What else should she be doing?

Her plans were to pour herself an obscene amount of wine and watch some TV, and then hope to find some sleep. Not that she had been sleeping a lot lately. She particularly enjoyed the nights where she was so exhausted that she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

But finding Rowan sitting on the couch hadn’t been in her plans.

Her stopped in her movements as she saw him there, but quickly regained power over her limbs. She wouldn’t let him see her reactions. He looked up, eyes scanning her body as he always did when he saw her. Not in a lustful way, though it had happened, but more as a way to make sure she was safe. Probably something picked up from his entire love and devotion to the military.

“Did you finally come back to your senses?” She asked coldly as she took off her coat, leaving her in her scrubs.

“You’re home late.”

She glared at him, making her way to the kitchen where she picked a glass and a bottle of her favorite wine. Then, she poured a little more than necessary. But no one was here to judge her for that. Oh, except… Yes, he followed her to the kitchen.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, not even othering to spare him a glance as she took a long sip of her drink. She was too aware of him, so she knew when he settled against the kitchen island.

“It’s my home.”

She huffed a laugh then. “Is it, really?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He asked, tension in his voice.

She braced herself on the cold marble of the kitchen island, then turned her head to look at him. “Well, I don’t know. You always look so eager to leave. First to sleep on bunk beds in the middle of the desert, then to spend a week the Gods know where just after you come back.”

A muscle twitched in his jaw. “I have to leave for work, I don’t choose to leave so far. And I thought we needed space, until we could talk.”

He chose to leave, though. His contract had ended at the end of his previous deployment, and he still re-enlisted. No matter how any times she begged him not to. That was his choice, not something that he was forced to do.

“Where were you?” He was dressed in civilian clothes, but that didn’t mean he didn’t spend time at the closest military base. It was late, and he could have had time to change. The idea of him living there was funny. He’d be so close to everything he freaking loved, and twenty miles away from what he seemed to loath now.

“Connall’s.”

She gritted her teeth. It bothered her more than she wished it did, that he spent time there. That was where she’d spent multiple nights during his and Fenrys’ deployment. He was a huge part of her support system, and he’s only texted her once in the last week.

“Well, don’t let me stop you. I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”

“I’m staying,” he stated, as if she wouldn’t question that.

She snorted. “Yeah, for how long this time. An hour?”

“Until I find myself a new place. Until things are settled.”

She could feel the fire rise in her. He used to joke that the gold in her eyes turned into flames whenever she was angry, well if it was true, he was aware of how she felt now. She took another sip of wine. “I’m not sure she’d really appreciate it.”

His brows furrowed. “She?”

Aelin cocked her head to the side, taking a step in his direction. “Yes, she.” She swallowed another sip of alcohol. Why was she even brushing that subject, goddamn it? “You know, that woman you found in the Southern Continent.” Another step, but he didn’t move. “The one you’ve got to know. You fell for her. Who knows, you may have even fucked her,” she breathed, looking in his eyes. She took another step, not realizing how close she was. She was shaking, though. She didn’t know why. Maybe it was the fatigue, or maybe it was the disgust at the idea of him with someone else. “Or should I say the one you’re leaving me for. Does that ring a bell?”

Something shone in his eyes, before he dimmed it. “I didn’t meet anyone, and I don’t cheat.”

She snorted, “I don’t believe you.” But she wanted to, very much so.

He took a step, breaking any sort of safe space Aelin had tried to keep. He had to look down to keep eye contact, and as a reflex, she tilted her head up. He was as punchable as he was lovable.

“You’re leaving me,” she breathed. It was settling in slowly, how he wanted out. When he mentioned it for the first time, she nearly laughed. Until she realized he was serious, that this was truly a wish of his. When this set in, it was as if a hole was being dug in her chest. A hole that kept getting bigger and bigger the most the thought about it, hence why she stayed at work longer.

“Not for someone else,” he replied on the same tone. “I’d never do that.”

“Just like you swore you’d never leave? Is that another of your promises?” They meant shit to her now. Nothing mattered because he was gone. Physically he was present, but emotionally? He found his way out. Using a backdoor she had contemplated using sometimes, but never found it in herself to really want it.

He closed his eyes, breathing ragged. The warm, nearly burning, air hit her face at every respiration, but she didn’t push him away. She should, though. Shouldn’t she? They shouldn’t be allowed to be near, now.

He wasn’t her Rowan anymore. It wasn’t just his idiotic wish to be separated but… He’d stopped being her Rowan years ago. She’d spent more time with a husband she resented than one she adored.

“You don’t get to want a way you,” she sneered. “Not when I’m stuck here because of you. Not when I gave you everything.”

He pulled away, then. Glaring. “Then accept. Let’s get divorced, so you can go back to your fancy Orynth.”

Her lips parted. He wanted her gone.

She had wanted to leave for years, to go back near her family. To where she had grown up. But she had made her home in Doranelle now. Had friends, her cousin had moved here. She refused to leave this nest she had created for him.

She refused to be away for him, that was what she didn’t dare to admit to herself.

She looked away for a second, but the pull to look at him was too strong. There was this pit in her chest, one that was filling with tears quickly. Tears that burned her eyes, making her bite the inside of her cheek until she could control the wobble of her lips.

She couldn’t let him see her cry.

Not when he was almost… a stranger.

That was how she saw things.

“You’re taking the spare room,” she said, because she knew that she had no way to tell him to not sleep here.

She could ask him to leave, and he probably would. But she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to share a house with him, but she couldn’t throw him out either.

She needed her own space, though. So, no, she couldn’t share a room with him. She refused.

There was something that flashed in his eyes, and she had an inkling on what it was. They had never called the spare room that way. Ever since they bought the house, that second bedroom had always been the Baby’s room. Where their child would sleep and play. But it never happened, and certainly would never happen now.

Aelin had bought an adult sized bed and some furniture for the times her family from Orynth decided to visit. Her uncles were always welcome here, and she had wanted to make it has home-y as possible.

He nodded. “Of course.”

She could go back to her room now and break alone. But she stood there, watching him. He’d changed, was more guarded now. He had never been guarded with her, had always allowed her a door into his thoughts. She lost the key sometimes in the last few years, though.

She shook her head, thinking of everything he’s throwing away. All the time she’d lost. Her voice was weak as she said, “I wish I had never met you.”

••••••

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