#to make it seem like ian wants to roleplay !!!!!

[romidoes]

- what’s up with those prison clothes and the fucking mayo?!

-you said you wanted to do prison roleplay. i thought you felt nostalgic

#when i had this idea i was so sure of myself LMAO #i thought ‘omg i’ll just draw them from the video but i’ll replace their clothes with prison ones #to make it seem like ian wants to roleplay !!!!! #for the sake of good old days!1!1!1!1!1 #but as i was done with it i realised it makes no fucking sense #😭 so i wasted 3 hours on this #i’ll just pretend it was for practice so i don’t cry about it too much #anyways…. yeah #my humor…. #gallavich #shameless #shameless us #ian x mickey #mickey x ian #noel fisher #cameron monaghan #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #shitpost

[surpriseroundtellyourfriends]

RED STITCH LOVERS... REPORT!!!

(Thoughts on the finale below! NOT spoiler-free!)

What a fantastic finish cap to a fantastic show. You may have seen me complain about the endings to the other arcs before, but you won't see me complaining about this one. We wrapped up just about every loose thread (no pun intended), and those left dangling seem to be saved for the afterparty.

Notable highlights:

THE ISABELLE AND IAN SIBLING MOMENT... I was so happy multiple people drew it; I want to animatic it. I cheered so fuckin loud, tbh. Ian IS the shitty older brother, and Isabelle is his darling twin sister who will keep him in line, and together they will murder their Uncle Hunterpalm <3

(I am specifically referring to him comforting and teasing her while she cried into his shoulder but ALSO, what is more sibling-coded than planning how to commit a murder and hide the body together?)

Unexpectedly delightful dynamic between Cadmus and Hutch. This whole time, Cadmus has been the only party member who really HATES Hutch with a vitriol, and the animosity with Cadmus trying to steal a buff from him (albeit while saving his life) was just so good. And then Hutch using his overclass to full-restore Cadmus (WHO FINALLY GOT TO NOT DIE DURING A FIGHT) and offering to help get revenge on Vice afterwards? Really good stuff.

(And like, we NEEDED that confirmation that Vice was gonna get his just desserts. I would've thrown hands if we didn't.)

Lots of good polycule bits. "If you were hitting on me, you're gonna have to get in line. There's forms and stuff." I fucking love these science freaks.

THE GROUP HUG... even though Florence was not technically a part of it, I'm pretending she was.

On the note of Roob being gone for so long—much as I also wanted them to get back, tbh? I think it provided an EXCELLENT excuse for (non-combat-planning) roleplay. Some of the best moments likely wouldn't have happened if Roob hadn't dipped.

God bless Craigor for INSISTING they all go out and get ice cream. In my head, Craigor's vital role in the found family is that he keeps everyone sane by forcing them to indulge in small pleasures like dairy queen.

Cadmus removing Florence's stitch for her was such a good casual moment of intimacy. It's like letting someone do your makeup for you, only in a more brutal and fucked-up scenario because it's RSR. Nobody fucking look at me I love their friendship and will talk about it for ages

I actually like how Isabelle's "dry anger" finally broke into crying. It feels more in-character that she's been trying to act tough and uncaring this whole time, but really, she's just overwhelmed. I also like how it's more obvious now when she's being possessed by Venutia. HUGE "the souls of the innocent" "a bagel!" energy.

On that note: there's a moment I've always loved where Isabelle uses a Beam of Unreality and deletes several rock fans, and Connor says to Cadmus "stick with me here: there might be something more dangerous to your health here than the goddamn rock and rollers," to which Cadmus (who didn't see the beam) replies "who, Isabelle? she wouldn't hurt a fly!"

What I'm saying is, I want that moment to happen again but now with both Isabelle and Cadmus having the knowledge that she IS a monster. But they both choose to keep quiet about it. That's Cadmus's work daughter, he is not losing ANOTHER person in his life—

ISABELLE IN GENERAL WAS GREAT THIS SESSION. HER BIG SPEECH? A+. GOOD JOB, SIX, YOU GAVE A CONCLUSIVE THEME AND CAP TO THIS SHOW THAT HAD THE BALLS TO BRING UP THE QUESTIONS JELLO WOULDN'T.

Carol/Carmen in general was a really great antagonist. Sympathetic in nature, simple motivations that make sense to her character, and still a massive bitch who needs to be stopped. I don't have any brainrot over her but I felt the need to acknowledge her since, y'know, the whole series kinda hinged on her.

Congrats to that one person for getting their rat canonized

in conclusion,

RSR good

#red stitch report

[queenaeducan]

💬💬

posts from my writing i’m proud of! @mxkelsifer​

First a quote from Pride in Compassion, which began as a way for my to ease into writing Cole on a roleplay blog through exploring his relationship with Solas:

Solas reaches out, subduing his worrying hands with a single, steady touch. A gentle gesture, despite the blood which stains them. Sometimes they do not seem so different from his own, they remember the bodies because forgetting would be worse. Killer’s hands, but there is no deceit in their tenderness. Solas wraps the thread around his finger, string bright white against his brown glove, and he tugs. It snaps, suddenly brittle, and falls to the floor to be swept away by a servant who will never know they were here. A comforting hand is placed deliberately on his shoulder blade, and Cole stills. He inhales, eyes snapping from the abandoned thread to Solas. There is kindness in his eyes, quiet assurance. He has seen this all before and he will make it easier to bear. So many tricks just to make it through a day, an evening, an hour. (x)

Despite their differences in circumstance Cole and Solas understand each other like no two others in Inquisition and I wanted to depict that in this work. Cole is one of the few people Solas actually touches in the game (although it's dependent on the player's choice) so it was important to me to show weight in little gestures. Since so many of my fics about Solas end up exploring mental illness and fronting Normal (tm) I also liked that I could get a little glimpse into Solas's coping techniques from Cole's POV, as Solas has too much pride to think of them in such a vulnerable way.

Second I'll share something from Who Am I in Your Arms?, a Solas/Ian fic that's mostly about depression/void days and also love. Content Warning for suicidal ideation (imagined by the character, but graphic) below the cut

His first waking breath in this world felt like a dagger between his ribs. He choked on reality itself as he stumbled from his dreams, hair dragging past his ankles, tangled with generations of birds’ nests and hollow around his ears. It should have echoed with the dirge of an empire, but instead there was nothing, and somehow that was worse. His first cut was clumsy, blood dripped down his temple and sank into the creases of his hands, but he persisted. Each time he cut himself upon the sharp edges of the world it felt like justice, even if in his heart he knew it could never be enough. Ian wields it without malice. The same blade which a week ago might have carved a red necklace across his throat now glides harmlessly over his skin, guided by tender hands that could name all the world’s cruelty but acts with none. He swallows, throat thick with sentiment he’d believed too numb to harm him. Every day affection like he has never known rises in him like a force of nature, blooming with all the strength of springtime. If some small part of him had ever laboured under the belief that indulging those feelings would abate them, it’s been proven the fool. He loves Ian more now than the day he felt love’s first stirrings behind his ribs, but it does not come by him gracefully. (x)

I especially like the second paragraph because I think it succinctly describes both Solas's self-hatred/depression in this scene and his affection/love for Ian. Falling in love with Ian was easy for Solas, but loving him is difficult by nature of who he is and what the world is. Something feeling right makes it feel wrong, and the revelation that he has fallen in love pushes past the numbness he's felt since returning to Skyhold after Wisdom's death, but results in tears. Not even the happy sort.

I think one of the reasons I'm proud of not just this quote but this work in general is that as someone who struggles with depression and void days, I always find depicting them difficult, as that headspace is conducive to writing and when I'm out of it the whole period feels like a dream. It was cathartic getting to write it and project onto my blorbo

#tas talks #my writing

[calmlythrilling]

🎁 🍷

🎁 - How do they feel about their birthday/birthdays in general?

I don't think he hates celebrating it, I don't think he ever had an actual negative experience with it, his priorities are just a bit screwy and he lacks self love, so he's more inclined to try to treat it like it's a regular day. He does crave being loved and cared for though I think, but he's always willing to push it back in favor of work. If Shadowy doesn't interfere I think it takes a bit to convince PV to celebrate, because while he does hate his job, he's power hungry and has zeroed in on the idea that money is power, so it's always best to work as much as he can, even if boring. It doesn't matter if he wants to celebrate, he thinks he has not to, lest he wants less power.

🍷- How do they feel about alcohol?

I think he's not a fan anymore. This might just be because I'm not huge on roleplaying with alcohol involved(not a trigger just anxiety about doing it right and such). But, I do think the idea of drinking random combinations of chemicals to regain your lost power is also a possible metaphor for addiction. It doesn't help that there's tweets of Ian saying PV used to think transforming into Shadowy of just casually blacking out sometimes. That feels like a horrible permanent effect of just messing around with glorbs for so long(which I think can be compares to a sort of steroid). Even if not that, he is/was aware he has blackouts and wouldn't want to chance making it worse. Or that(main verse mainly) when he feels stressed in certain situations, Shadowy comes out. He'd like to prevent that if he can. If he does drink it's probably one or two, he's not getting drunk, he's probably a designated driver of groups, which may work out because he does love to drive. Don't pressure him to drink, after a couple of times he will lash out at you.

I'm sure as Laserblast he was a lot more comfortable having alcohol. He seems like a fancy fruity drink guy to me, just my first instinct because I haven't thought about this too hard.

#noxious bite of a cornered snake(pv) #featherchan #tw alcohol mention #tw addiction #tw drug mention #ask to tag #something to note is that while no longer a consumer #pv is comfortable selling glorbs to people. and shadowy is drug dealer coded to me #so while not a fan of consumption he is absolutely willing to be a drug dealer

[gallavictorious]

I saw your tags and I think you might need to write that fic of Ian and Mickey recreating their first time when Ian gets a tire iron. 🧐☺️

Okay, so this took me a hot minute, and I did it as a kind of speedwrite so it's rather short and not exactly thought out. I also went off (my own) script a little bit and it got unexpectedly sappy there for a moment... But! Have 1,4k very silly words of Ian and Mickey roleplaying their first proper get together because Mickey gave Ian a tire iron. I hope you enjoy it, dear one – thank you so much for the prompt! I had unexpected fun with it. ❤️

(Oh, and tags in questions are the ones on this post, so all credit to @jenatte for providing the original inspiration.)’

ETA: It’s on AO3 now too.

---

Ow. The fuck?

Reluctantly, Mickey blinked awake. The bright light suggested it was already near noon, but that wasn't what had woken it, that wasn't–

It came again: a hard poke to his back. Not the good kind, either, of Ian pressing his hard-on against Mickey's rear while they were snuggled close, but something cold and sharp. Insistent.

”What the fuck?” Mickey groaned, rolling over on his side and peering up at–

–his husband standing over him with... a fucking tire iron in his hands? Not just any tire iron either, but the one Mickey had gotten him as a gift for their anniversary as a mix of a joke, sentimentality and practicality; it was how they started, sure, and meaningful for it, but also a damn good thing to have, no home was complete without it. He thought that maybe Ian had overlooked the practial aspects, though, in favour of going a little misty-eyed before he started dropping half-assed quips about hard lenghts and Mickey had to roll his eyes and punch his husband in the arm a little bit.

Now Mickey's brow furrowed further as he tried to make sense of the scene. For a brief, terrifying moment, apprehension siezed his gut: was Ian having a manic episode, seeing enemies where there was none? But no; though he feigned a fearsome scowl, there was that glitter in Ian's eyes and a small quirk to his lips that spoke little of mania and everything of being a fucking dork and a tease.

”Give me the gun, Mickey,” he intoned, and Mickey was about to ask again what the hell and what fucking gun and maybe are you feeling okay man because perhaps Mickey didn't have quite as good a read on his husband as he thought he had–

–and then he got it, memory reasserting itself, and he could feel the fucking grin growing on his face quite of its own accord. He'd have felt stupid for not immediately catching on, but give him a fucking break, he'd been sleeping two seconds ago and his days of waking up with a start and ready to fight were slowly and thankfully becoming a thing of the past.

Ian's faux frown broke, as he was unable to contain an answering smile. He seemed inordinately pleased with himself, and with Mickey for getting it. Mickey would tell him he was a fucking idiot, but Ian looked so expectant that Mickey decided to play along instead. No harm in a little weird roleplay to make his husband happy, right?

Besides, it wasn't like Ian standing over him and looking vaguely threatening and very hot didn't do it for Mickey on several levels.

”Okay, fine,” he said, climbing to his feet while doing his very best to appear drowsy and uninterested. It had been instinctive back then, the plan of lulling the irate kid into a false sense of security before pouncing on him and kicking his teeth in for having the fucking gall to march into Mickey's room and demand things.

Mickey made a show of slowly turning towards the nightstand, just as he had all those years ago. He could feel Ian's eyes track his every movement, ready to react to the sneak attack he knew was coming. There'd be no taking him by surprise this time.

His face turned away and unseen, Mickey smiled. Or would it?

He grabbed hold of the bottle of lube on the table and spun around to throw it at Ian's head, took a quick step up and to the side, and as Ian gave a short yelp and involuntary raised his hands to protect his face, Mickey rushed him from the side to push him down on the bed. Ian went with a thud and an oof and Mickey didn't hesitate; he was on his husband in a second, straddling his chest and wrestling the tire iron from him grip.

”What the hell, Mick?” Ian demanded, not bothering to struggle but glaring up at Mickey with wide reproachful eyes. ”This isn't how it went!”

Mickey grinned. ”How it went is I kicked your scrawny ass,” he said smugly. ”Now, how am I gonna do that if you know which way I'm gonna move?”

”I was going to let you win!” Ian protested.

Mickey's eyebrows rose. ”Oh, you were gonna let me, huh?”

”Yeah,” Ian said slowly, eyes narrowing, ”I was going to let you.” And with that he grabbed hold of Mickey's arms and pushed him to the side while using his greater body weight as leverage to flip them around.

”Fucker,” Mickey spat, kicking at Ian's shins. He dropped the tire iron – not like he was actually going to hit Ian with it – to have both his hands free for a renewed assault on his sneaky little shit of a husband, but Ian had already wrapped his his stupidly big hands around Mickey's wrists and was pushing him down into the mattress, grinning triumphantly while Mickey struggled and squirmed beneath him.

”Guess I had a change of heart,” Ian said.

Mickey stilled, biting at his bottom lip as he considered. He was pretty sure he could still take Ian if he really wanted to, mostly on account of him being a ruthless motherfucker with no interest whatsoever in fighting fair. However, that required a level of playing dirty and pulling nasty jabs that went far beyond what he felt comfortable doing to his husband these days.

”Uh-huh, and what's the plan now, genius?” he demanded, opting for snark instead of violence.

Ian didn't answer. The look in his eyes had shifted from triumphant to something thoughtful, and softer.

”Do you think it'd have gone the same way if it'd been me on top of you instead of the other way around back then?” he wondered aloud.

Mickey made a face. It fucking figured that his sap of a husband would turn a promising round of foreplay into a game of sentimental what-if.

”I dunno,” he said, wriggling his hips a little to remind Ian that there were otherstuff they could be doing right now, stuff way more exciting than having a goddamn conversation. ”Does it fucking matter? It didn'thappen like that, and it never would have happened like that either, 'cause back then I didn't give a shit about fucking you up too bad, so I'd bashed your fucking brains out before letting get on top of me.”

He wanted to bite his tongue as soon as he'd said it, but it was too late: Ian's eyes had lit up and his thoughtful look transformed into a smirk. ”Well, I mean,” he drawled, leaning down to put his mouth to Mickey's neck, just for a moment, just a little bit of teeth in the brief touch.

”Fuck off,” Mickey said, but he was laughing. Ian's weight pinning him down was as exciting as it was annoying, as it was grounding.

Ian just hummed. He'd straightened again and was gazing down on Mickey with a look that was so damned fond it made a small blush work its way up Mickey's neck.

”I think we'd have ended up here anyway,” Ian decided. ”Somehow.”

”Oh yeah?”

”Yeah.”

Soft smiles then, as something warm and happy bloomed in Mickey's chest. For a moment, they just looked at each other, eyes resting on the face each of them knew best, loved best.

Ian let go of Mickey's wrist to put his hand on the side of his head, fingers tangling in Mickey's hair as Ian ran a thumb over his husband's cheek. He bent down again, but this time to capture Mickey's lips in a long, lingering kiss.

”I think I was always going to have you,” Ian murmured as they broke apart, forehead pressed against forehead.

A second later he yelped in surprised outrage as Mickey took advantage of his lapse in vigilance to grab hold of his hair and yank his head sharply to the side while pushing up to get Ian off him and halfway down onto the floor. Mickey followed him with a snicker, and off they went again, tousling and laughing and absolutely heedless of any noise they might make.

#gallavich #ficlet #asks #my stuff

[callivich]

Travel/Vacation Prompts

Originally posted for Gallavich Week 2021 - but as that has now finished, please feel free to continue to use these for inspiration!

Originally posted for the Gallavich Week 2021 theme for Day 3 - ‘Travel/Vacation’. Feel free to use these as inspiration for fanfic, fanart, gifsets, edits, etc. You don’t have to stick to the exact prompt, you can use them as a jumping off point.

Please feel free to add any prompts in the replies

Post s7 - as Ian travels back to Chicago and Mickey travels into Mexico, they spend all their time thinking about each other. Years later - they remember their thoughts from this time as they take their first road trip together as a married couple.

After the house is sold, the Gallagher’s take some of the money and go on a family vacation - to a cabin by a lake. There’s swimming, barbecues, arguments, laughter, and - as usual - too much information about Ian and Mickey due to the small space and thin walls.

Use this random place generator (you can be as vague as you want - any country- or specific by states in the US, and includes a link to the wiki page for each place) and have Mickey and Ian go there on vacation.

Ian and Mickey go to Las Vegas - they end up winning some money, get upgraded to a fancy suite and have a very fun weekend. Maybe they even renew their vows at a wedding chapel.

As kids/teenagers, Ian and Mickey sometimes dreamed of going on a vacation or travelling out of Chicago. Once married, Ian tells Mickey about what kind of vacations/travels he wished he could have, and Mickey shares his. They realise that what once seemed unrealistic is now possible.

What’s their first vacation as husbands like? Where do they go? What do they do?

Ian and Mickey go on a road trip and end up staying at the Rosebud Motel in Schitt’s Creek. They explore the town - eating in the cafe and shopping in David’s store.

Ian and Mickey save up for a special honeymoon, since they never really got one after they were married.

AU - Bad weather strands Ian and Mickey at an airport, their only option is to hire a car. But there is only one car left! The two strangers learn they are both heading to Chicago, so they decide to take a road trip together.

AU - Ian is travelling by himself to a city for a vacation, he books into a cheap hotel with shared dorm-type rooms. He only has one roommate - a guy called Mickey, who has nightmares at night.

Ian and Mickey have carefully planned their first vacation together - everything is gonna be perfect. Except for the fact that everything goes wrong - bad weather, car breaks down, lost reservations etc. But somehow, it still turns out to be perfect because they make the best of a bad situation.

Lip and Tami do decide to move to Milwaukee. Tami is pregnant and not feeling up to driving, and what with all their stuff and furniture, along with Liam and Fred, they need three vehicles. Lip, Ian, and Mickey each drive one and it’s the usual Gallagher chaos and the trip ends up taking so much longer than planned.

Mickey or Ian books a vacation at a cheesy theme motel (all the rooms are different themes - e.g. Ancient Egypt, Jungle, Palace, Ancient Greece, Sci-Fi, Pirate, Medieval etc etc) and they decide to lean into whatever theme and do some roleplay. (I googled theme motels & there are some hilarious examples including a tall and short room - “where the pepto-bismal pink room was designed to cater to couples where one is tall and the other is short - for instance, one side of the bed is high ... while the other is low.” 😂)

Ian and Mickey can’t decide on where to take their two week vacation. So, they agree that each one will get one week and organise a surprise trip for the other one.

5 vacations Ian and Mickey never take + 1 they do take

5 moments we didn’t see on their road trip to Mexico

5 road trips Ian and Mickey never take + 1 they do take

5 times Mickey and Ian drive around Chicago over the years

More of my prompts here

#GW2021 #gallavich #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #ian x mickey #prompts #as always please feel free to add to these

[ishouldbestudyingprobably]

Hey uh- could i request another barley x reader? the previous one was so cute! maybe some sort of date night one-shot? whatever you chose!❤️

Thank you so much for requesting!! I’m gonna become the CEO of Barley fanfics LOL! (I’d gratefully take that title tho)

To put you on a bit of context, this takes place AFTER the movie unlike my previous one-shot, of course I’ll try to keep it as spoiler free as possible considering the movie is going to come out to Disney + in just a few days and some of you haven’t seen it yet, but maybe I slip something so, please beware.

Also, I have been reading more fanfics in English recently and noticed they are written in a you-did-this-and-said-that way instead of how we do them in Spanish; I’ll be continuing to them in my way unless you guys tell me it annoys you or something.

WELL, SORRY FOR KEEPING YOU WAITING, LET’S GET TO IT! ALSO THIS IS SO LONG SORRY--

(Y/N) definitely had no idea how she ended up on the Lightfoot’s home. Now, listen, it’s not that she didn’t like them ‘cause she as hell did it was just confusing considering a few hours prior to that she was just walking around the neighborhood.

“Ian, come on! Show her your magic!” Barley was having a hard time since he was trying so hard to make his little brother show the girl how his magic worked and poor Ian was shy about it, sure his confidence had been boosted but, come on, that was way too much pressure.

“Barley it’s okay, really, I believe you. I bet it’s amazing and you guys make an incredible team together. Let Ian go.” the girl chuckled seeing as the smaller elf smiled thankful and made his way out of the room feeling relieved.

“What? No! Ian get back here!!” see, the boy with a cast on his arm was hoping to use his brother as an excuse to have the female the longest time possible by his side, he was definitely going to ask her on a date but needed that boost of confidence being in a room with people gave.

Although now that they were alone he wouldn’t lie saying it wasn’t enjoyable, but soon that intimate moment of piece was to be broken by the young girl standing up making the bed rigid on the side she had been sitting on.

“This was... fun. But I really should get going home, my family would be worried plus it’s lunch time and... You know.” (Y/N) tried to excuse herself as politely as possible seeing as how she didn’t want to give the impression she wasn’t having fun and didn’t enjoy the presence of the older son of the Lightfoot’s family. Barley soon realized he had to jump now and ask her out or he’d never get the chance to. “Would you like to meet me? Alone? Maybe drive around, have dinner...” the boy put on his widest smile as if that were going to make her accept his invitation.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you... Asking me out? On a date? Tonight?” the girl replied trying to hide her grin while putting a strand of her voluminous hair behind her pointy ear which had efficiently caught the male’s attention. “I wouldn’t call it a date, more like a quest to make you fall in love with me because I totally am and it would be pretty cool if you did as well? But, you could always call it a date, I wouldn’t correct you even though you’re completely wrong.” that was enough to make the small elf chuckle which made Barley’s heart skip a few beats.

“It’d be a pleasure to help you complete this quest oh-so-awesome Barley Lightfoot. How about 8? No need for formal clothes, quests don’t require suits or dresses.” now it was him who was chuckling, how couldn’t he? His friend had never ever ever played his favourite roleplaying game yet always tried her best to make as much references to it without completely failing at the process, it was adorable. “8 sounds amazing. Farewell, oh-so-cool-to-play-games (Y/N) (S/N).”

And so the time came and the bell started ringing; one, two, three, four times and just as the fifth was about to made itself present the girl rushed to the door “Okay, okay got it! I’m coming!” grabbing the door handle she opened it revealing the young elf wearing a suit -well, a modified one since the sleeves of his jacket were completely gone and decided to wear jeans with the suit, formal for sure- contrasting with her usual clothing. “We said no dressing up!” the boy just shrugged and clearing his throat he moved to the side revealing Guinevere 2 in all its glory. “Shall we get going?” the girl smiled and gladly accepted getting out and making sure to close the door.

They made their way to the van and Barley hurried to open the door of the passenger seat bowing as his friend got inside and closed the door trying -and failing- to hide his smile. As soon as they were both seated the boy opened her mouth and took a folded piece of paper from his pocket. “So, (Y/N)... I hope your ready for our quest because I’ve been planning this all day!” slowly the boy opened the folded paper showing a drawn map of different places in Mushroomton that he thought would be of interest and appropriate for a date surprising his companion in the process. “Did you realy do that? That’s so impressive…” the male just smiled and motioned for her to hold the map and turned on the engine.

“Now my incredible partner, tell me, which is the first stop?” he couldn’t help the excitement his tone glad everything was going according to plan at the moment.

“Uhm, well, the exciting-full-of-teenagers house of fun?” what kind of name was that? The drawing didn’t really gave much about the place either, not only because his art skills weren’t exactly… Clear?

But because he modified them to be fitting on the Quests of Yore world. “Heading there!” and just like that the car drive began. They both were constantly talking and joking, it may have been a date-quest thing but after all they were still friends, why would they be quiet?

When they finally arrived to the place she got out the car excited to see what it was about and found a luminous neon sign indicating the entry to the arcade.

“The arcade was the exciting-full-of-teenagers house?” again the elf just shrugged grinning which made the female roll her eyes. “Amazing! I’m actually thinking this is going to be the greatest day of my life…”

What can I say? Videogames were definitely something they both were extremely good at and that sparked a tiny competition between them. Driving games? You bet! That knock the clown game that’s always typically seen in carnivals at those cheesy romantic movies? Yup! In the end they decided to count the tickets each one got to decide a winner.

“I’ve got… 238 tickets, how about you, Lightfoot?” the boy didn’t seem happy and (Y/N) soon knew he was dreading his defeat. “I got 197....” mockery could be heard from the female’s lips before they cut off the rivalry and decided to combine both of their tickets getting 435 tickets which were enough for…

“A unicorn rubber?!” the girl sighed as they were gettin in the car again. “I hate this stupid games, they’re fun but you alway have to win around a billion tickets to actually WIN something.” she continued ranting, something Barley found really entertaining but cut her off mid sentence as they were running out of time. “When did you have to get home?” it effectively cut her off. There was a small silence

before she could respond “Around 10 I believe, you know how they are…” he just nodded and looked at his watch; it was 9:17 meaning they had to do a shortcut on their plans.

“Okay, we’re runnin out of time, skip the following two places and tell me the next one after them.” she did as asked and traced the drawn road with her fingers. “It says brainwash.” an odd name for sure.

“Brainwash it is.”

Of course, brainwash was referring to movies, they were going to watch a movie specifically a drive in movie, is there anything more romantic than that? No.

“Barley… This is so sweet, thank you! What movie are they playing?” turning her head towards the giggly boy she asked nothing but amusement in her face. “No idea. I’m gonna go grab popcorn, make yourself comfortable on top of Guinevere 2, please.” just like that he was gone and (Y/N) had a new adventure, finding the way she could get on the van’s roof.

After a while Barley got back with a huge stack of popcorn finding her loved one on the roof, smiling to himself he admired all of her features. Soon he got on top shaking the oh-so-special van on the process. “Here’s the popcoooorn!” he announced with an excited tone and put them between him and the girl.

The movie was ten minutes in and no noise was heard but the sound of chewing popcorn. Leaning in the female asked in the boy’s ear “Do you like this movie?” he replied in a whisper “No it’s so boring.” that’s when they both started laughing being shushed by the cars around them. “Let’s get out of here. We still have twenty minutes left.” Without bothering to take the popcorn they both walked north finding a calm forest where they laid on the grass looking at the sky. “So, Barley, is it true? That you like me?”

That was a very direct question he definitely wasn’t prepared for “Well, of course it is! You’re an incredible girl, an incredible friend and I bet you’d be an incredible girlfriend!” the girl chuckled making Barley’s heart melt. And then, he asked “Do you like me?”. Silence hurts, so much, but before any assumption could be made she replied “Yes, of course I do.”

Silence again.

“So, have you completed your quest now?” (Y/N) curiously asked. “I still have one more thing to do.” and, the kiss came.

QUEST COMPLETED.

Oh boy was that long... Hope you enjoyed your request and for everyone else, request! Don't be shy!

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@ferox-imagines @s-ferox

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[theonyxpath]

Here we are in almost the last week of the Deluxe M20 Technocracy Reloaded Kickstarter, and like all KSs, we’re at that time where pledges start to slow. So we’re thinking about this KS, and our previous ones, and the roster that’s coming up.

What works, what doesn’t, and what just makes us wonder. Like, should we continue to portion out sections of the complete text during the KS, so at the end backers have pretty much the text as it’s going to be before being formatted during layout. (Which makes it a lot easier to read in most cases!)

We like that model, as it shows prospective backers just what they’re getting so situations where folks expected one set of information but got something else don’t occur any longer. And it shows that the text being finished won’t be a factor in the final project delivery to KS backers.

Those are two pretty good things, in our estimation!

But, does that kill the fun for folks? Like, is there value in being, well, surprised by your new book when it arrives? So far, we’ve been betting that the surety of information is more important to more backers than those who might miss a surprise, but we could be wrong.

Similarly, if we say this is the text and if you don’t like it then you can drop your pledge before we finish, we see that as a valuable option for backers. We want folks who back to enjoy the Kickstarter and the material we’re releasing. We hope they enjoy the chance to help create one of these books by backing, or going further and taking one of those fancy, upper-tier rewards that let them add characters or be part of the art.

Lunars art by Gunship Revolution

Yet, we can only hope we’re pleasing folks as it is often hard to tell if our methods are not delivering our intention since the vast majority of backers don’t interact with KSs Comments section. Whether because of a general, well-earned, fear of Comments sections throughout the internet, or of KS Comments specifically, my impression from talking to backers is that they don’t need the stress.

Who can blame them? It’s why I always try and suggest other ways for folks to communicate with us – even here, I’ll suggest adding to the Comments for this blog, but whenever I do I also get direct emails. And they usually start off with a variant of: “Hope you don’t mind my contacting you this way, but I didn’t want to get involved with any drama in the Comments.”

Like I said, we tend to think a lot about how we do things, and particularly Kickstarters since they are one of our most public display of our processes.

In some states, public display of your processes can get you arrested!

To get back to the M20 Technocracy Reloaded KS, here’s some links to fun and informative programming that will be reposted in the Onyx Path Media section below:

Tune in to hear words of wisdom from the Technocratic Union live on Twitch, Tuesday, May 19th at 9 PM EDT on the Onyx Path Publishing Twitch Channel. twitch.tv/theonyxpath

Plus, Red Moon Roleplaying continue their actual play of Technocracy Reloaded right here: https://youtu.be/RtdW0znt7GU Please give them your support!

And also, Travis Legge’s M20 Technocracy Reloaded actual play, featuring a stellar cast including the one and only Satyr Phil Brucato: https://youtu.be/ALnD1nwuTis

TC: Aeon Jumpstart art by Aaron Riley

Our Next Kickstarter:

Of course, as we’ve been thinking about Kickstarters, we’ve been thinking about the best time to bring back the Legendlore Kickstarter. This was the KS we cancelled as we launched it right before the Covid-19 lock-downs, and we just didn’t think it could get the sort of attention it deserved.

But as we have considered the situation now, it seems like our lines of communication are, if not perfect, working far more closely to expectations. I’m getting regular notices from backers of our previous KSs again, for example.

So, without further ado, and not wanting to sit to long on Legendlore, we are going to Kickstart it next after M20 Technocracy Reloaded!

Expect most of our approach to be similar, but knowing that we already have a wonderful group of backers from the first go, we’ll be aiming at putting the KS together in a way that doesn’t just make them go through the same things again, and that appeals to folks who didn’t back the first time.

More on that as we have some actual examples!

Lunars art by Yiyhoung Li

Things We’re Doing To Try and Help During All This

On Wednesday, we’re opening up Dystopia Rising: Evolution Community Content on the Storypath Nexus. This is a chance for anyone to work with the templates and art packs we provide to create new projects for DR:E. As a creator, it’s a way to both publish your ideas, and to get a little extra cash during these difficult times.

That’s pretty much our feelings for any Community Content site right now. Plus, for players, the projects posted on these sites are PDFs that usually aren’t that big or expensive, and they very often are focused on useful additions to our official stuff. Adventures, deep dives into specific topics we’re not really set up to put together – just great ideas to add to your playing enjoyment.

Just wanted to chime in here to remind folks that we released Chronicles of Darkness: Dark Eras 2 on DTRPG last week, and besides the big book itself in PDF and PoD versions, we released each chapter as an individual PDF. If you’re into a particular line and/or historical period, but can’t indulge in buying the full book, these individual chapters are a lot easier on the budget with the job situation being what it is.

Also on DTRPG right now is the Shelter in Play Bundle containing about $180 worth of PDFs, including the Vinsen’s Tomb Jumpstart for Pugmire and A Light Extinguished, the Jumpstart for Scion 2e, plus a ton of other delightful games for playing while we’re all stuck in together – all for $10, and the proceeds go to two worthy charities! https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/312564/Shelter-In-Play-BUNDLE

Our friends at IPR, Indie Press Revolution, are running sales of our books over on their site (link below in the sales partners area) and are planning to continue to do so for the foreseeable future. If you’re looking for our traditionally printed hardcover books and screens, Deluxe and otherwise, now’s a great chance!

We made the decision last week that we wouldn’t be attending gaming conventions until we feel like our folks would be safe from Covid-19 if they attended. Considering that “con crud” is a thing that we expect to get after major conventions during a normal period, we just can’t send our people into a convention right now. Unfortunately, that includes our industry biggie Gen Con, which still has not announced whether it is postponed or cancelled. Regardless of their decision, ours is: we’re not going.

Finally, speaking of conventions: Thanks for the support and interest in an online Onyx Path Convention I received in the blog Comments and elsewhere all last week. It was heartening, and a little scary, how many of you would enjoy virtually playing our games and meeting with us. Actually, all kidding aside, it was great to hear!

No news yet, but you gave us even more to think about. In this case, expect that we’ll be acting pretty quickly on running something like a virtual convention. We want to commit, if we’re going to, before the enormity of it has a chance to sink in!

So, thanks to your feedback, we’re a few steps closer to arranging a virtual venue where we can talk about and play in our:

Many Worlds, One Path!

Blurbs!

Kickstarter!

The M20 Technocracy Reloaded Kickstarter funded in 43 minutes and at with just over a week to go has passed 1800 backer operatives, is over 400% funded, and has achieved Stretch Goals consisting of a Storytellers Screen unlock, an unlock of more original Mage PDFs, Backers’ Exclusive T-Shirt, Wallpaper, and building the Technocracy Reloaded Player’s Companion PDF: sections on Constructs and Symposiums (and then expanded by a later SG), Digital Web 3.0, Technomancers’ Toybox 20 and the Q-Division bonus section, Unlikely Allies 1, 2, & 3, Mission Statement short scenarios, and the expanded Digital Web 3.0.2. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/200664283/m20-technocracy-reloaded

Highlights of M20 Technocracy Reloaded include:

An Operative’s Handbook that provides a detailed overview of life in the Technocratic Union, describing the organization of the Union, the Conventions, and the roles that sympathizers, extraordinary citizens, and Enlightened Operatives play in the overall structure of the Technocracy.

An examination of Technocratic initiatives on a global scale.

Devices, procedures, and hypertech used by the Technocratic Union that explores the Enlightened Science, allowing operatives to apply similar effects in the field, if they have sufficient understanding of the principles that allow these gadgets to function.

A comprehensive list of citizens, cyborgs, operatives, progenitor creations, and allies to use as NPCs.

Storyteller support that explores story seeds and metaplot to shape a chronicle for their needs.

Next Kickstarter: We return to The Realm of Legendlore!

Onyx Path Media!

This week Impish Ian Watson returns to delve into the Trinity Continuum, specifically the recently announced Trinity Continuum: Anima, VtM Bloodlines, and the happy wonders of managing Onyx Path social media with the Terrific Trio!

As always, this Friday’s Onyx Pathcast will be on Podbean or your favorite podcast venue! https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

Tune in to hear words of wisdom from the Technocratic Union live on Twitch, Tuesday, May 19th at 9 PM EDT on the Onyx Path Publishing Twitch Channel. twitch.tv/theonyxpath

Join the Consensus and watch the stream.

Plus, Red Moon Roleplaying continue their actual play of Technocracy Reloaded right here: https://youtu.be/RtdW0znt7GU Please give them your support!

Come tune in to our Twitch channel for a schedule including:

Vampire: The Masquerade – Blood on the Tamesis

Vampire: The Masquerade – Chicago by Night Noir

Pugmire – Paws & Claws

Storytellers with Coffee

Scarred Lands: Chronicles of Calastia

Changeling: The Lost – Littlebrook Reunion

Changeling: The Dreaming – The Last Faerie Tale

Mage: The Awakening – Occultists Anonymous

Scarred Lands – Purge of the Serpentholds

Dark Eras Werewolf: The Forsaken

Chronicles of Darkness – Tooth & Claw

Deviant: The Renegades – A Cautionary Tale

Good heavens, that’s a lot of games for you to watch!

You can subscribe to our channel over on twitch.tv/theonyxpath to catch up with any episodes you missed!

Come take a look at our YouTube channel, youtube.com/user/theonyxpath, where you can find a whole load of videos of actual plays, dissections of our games, and more, including:

Changeling: The Dreaming – The Last Faerie Tale: https://youtu.be/fx_UEKY6moE

Scarred Lands: Purge of the Serpentholds: https://youtu.be/9YC0qb29vjk

Mage: The Ascension – Technocracy Reloaded: https://youtu.be/ALnD1nwuTis

Hunter: The Vigil – Hometown Heroes: https://youtu.be/LJs8Q6KVu1o

Changeling: The Lost – Littlebrook Reunion: https://youtu.be/SXYLA9rCjKk

Vampire: The Masquerade – Blood City Chicago by Night: https://youtu.be/NmDv9Sq_wKA

Chronicles of Darkness – Seattle by Streetlight: https://youtu.be/6CwozhRpUNo

Do subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon if you want to be notified whenever new news videos and uploads come online!

Did you miss 307 RPG interviewing Matthew Dawkins regarding everything from They Came from Beneath the Sea! and They Came from Beyond the Grave! to upcoming Vampire: The Masquerade books? Give them a listen here: https://307rpg.com/?p=265

Further to that interview, the 307 RPG Podcast released an episode all to do with the Archetypes in They Came from Beneath the Sea!:  https://307rpg.com/?p=282

That’s not all! Vorpal Tales commence an actual play of They Came from Beneath the Sea! tonight over on their Twitch channel! Find them here: https://twitch.tv/vorpaltales

Utility Muffin Labs, home of the 25 Years of Vampire: The Masquerade podcast, have released a glowing review of The Chicago Folios right here: https://utilitymuffinlabs.com/25-years-of-vampire-the-masquerade?author=51a88e2ee4b035d1810e13fe

Occultists Anonymous are here with a new special Mage: The Awakening series:

RV Mage 07: Reversion  With Orphean mages no longer on the field of battle, the Pentacle mages work to undo the warping of the Gauntlet. The werewolves threatening the Supernal Being is going to make negotiations a little difficult. https://youtu.be/iUZKuh0G5sI

RV Mage 08: Excursion Following the Supernal shenanigans in downtown Richmond, Vicar, Drifter, and Amanita begin the search for further Orphean agents. An attempt to restore relationships with the werewolves goes as well as you might expect… https://youtu.be/YUcXnQwB-vM

Please check these out and let us know if you find or produce any actual plays of our games! We’d love to feature you!

Electronic Gaming!

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is awesome! (Seriously, you need to roll 100 dice for Exalted? This app has you covered.)

On Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue from which you bought it. Reviews really, really help us get folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these latest fiction books:

Our Sales Partners!

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire and Monarchies of Mau out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there! https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

We’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

Now, we’ve added Changeling: The Lost Second Edition products to Studio2‘s store! See them here: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/all-products/changeling-the-lost

Scion 2e books and other products are available now at Studio2: https://studio2publishing.com/blogs/new-releases/scion-second-edition-book-one-origin-now-available-at-your-local-retailer-or-online

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

And you can order Pugmire, Monarchies of Mau, Cavaliers of Mars, and Changeling: The Lost 2e at the same link! And now Scion Origin and Scion Hero and Trinity Continuum Core and Trinity Continuum: Aeon are available to order!

As always, you can find Onyx Path’s titles at DriveThruRPG.com!

On Sale This Week!

This week, the PDF and PoD versions of Oak, Ash, and Thorn the Changeling: The Lost 2e Companion bolts from the freakish Hedge on DriveThruRPG on Wednesday!

Oak, Ash, and Thorn as a companion book to Changeling: The Lost Second Edition, expands on what’s in the core book. It contains:

Expanded rules for freeholds and a selection of seeds for sample freeholds in four international locations.

Rules for creating new court Bargains and an introduction to non-traditional Mantles, including free companies, traveling bands, and Lost dynasties, with a playable example of each.

Entitlements, the titles of nobility that changelings assume to inherit mystical legacies from the Lost who came before them, including three full examples with accompanying tokens and Merits.

Expanded rules for tokens, including two new types with examples, guidelines for creating your own, and a system for ripping out one’s heart to become unkillable.

Also on Wednesday, we open the Dystopia Rising: Evolution Community Content section of the Storypath Nexus! Expect template and art packs you can use to create your own supplements to the DR:E tabletop RPG (and even get a royalty for your work!) Check it out for community-created supplements to further expand your fun with DR:E!

Conventions!

Though dates are subject to change due to the current COVID-19 outbreak, here’s our current list of upcoming conventions:

UKGames Expo: https://www.ukgamesexpo.co.uk/

GenCon: https://www.gencon.com/

Tabletop Scotland: https://tabletopscotland.co.uk/

Gamehole Con: https://www.gameholecon.com/

PAX Unplugged: https://unplugged.paxsite.com/

And now, the new project status updates!

Development Status from Eddy Webb! (Projects in bold have changed status since last week.):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep.)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

Under Alien Suns (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Adversaries of the Righteous (Exalted 3rd Edition)

The Clades Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

The Devoted Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

Saints and Monsters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Wild Hunt (Scion 2nd Edition)

Dead Man’s Rust (Scarred Lands)

V5 The Faithful Undead (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

V5 Trails of Ash and Bone (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

V5 Forbidden Religions (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Anima

Redlines

Dragon-Blooded Novella #2 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Hundred Devil’s Night Parade (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Adventure! core (Trinity Continuum: Adventure!)

Contagion Chronicle Ready-Made Characters (Chronicles of Darkness)

Novas Worldwide (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Exalted Essence Edition (Exalted 3rd Edition)

M20 Rich Bastard’s Guide To Magick (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

Second Draft

Many-Faced Strangers – Lunars Companion (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Kith and Kin (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

Assassins (Trinity Continuum Core)

Dearly Bleak – Novella (Deviant: The Renegades)

Mission Statements (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Development

TC: Aberrant Reference Screen (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle: Global Outbreaks (Chronicles of Darkness)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Crucible of Legends (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Exigents (Exalted 3rd Edition)

N!ternational Wrestling Entertainment (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Manuscript Approval

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (They Came From!)

Post-Approval Development

Scion: Demigod (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Dragon (Scion 2nd Edition)

Editing

Lunars Novella (Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Player’s Guide to the Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Contagion Chronicle Jumpstart (Chronicles of Darkness)

TC: Aberrant Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Trinity Continuum Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum)

Masks of the Mythos (Scion 2nd Edition)

LARP Rules (Scion 2nd Edition)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

The Book of Lasting Death (Mummy: The Curse 2e)

Post-Editing Development

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

W20 Shattered Dreams Gift Cards (Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th)

Cults of the Blood Gods (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Hunter: The Vigil 2e core (Hunter: The Vigil 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Monsters of the Deep (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

Pirates of Pugmire KS-Added Adventure (Realms of Pugmire)

Tales of Aquatic Terror (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Terra Firma (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

One Foot in the Grave Jumpstart (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2e)

Indexing

Art Direction from Mike Chaney!

In Art Direction

Scion Titanomachy

Tales of Aquatic Terror

WoD Ghost Hunters – KS final art: One more piece coming in.

Aberrant – Contacting and contracting. Signing off on sketches.

Pugmire Adventure – All sketches in.

Hunter: The Vigil 2e

Mummy 2

Deviant – Dividing up among current artists.

Legendlore – Back to KS prep.

Technocracy Reloaded (KS) – Happening.

Cults of the Blood God – Rolling along.

Scion: Dragon – Waiting on art notes.

Masks of the Mythos – Waiting on art notes.

Scion: Demigod – Waiting on art notes.

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (KS) – Sent out notes for fulls and splats for KS.

In Layout

Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad

Vigil Watch

TC Aeon Terra Firma – Over to Josh.

V5 Let the Streets Run Red – Working on it.

Pirates of Pugmire Screen – Getting charts from dev.

Proofing

Trinity Aeon Jumpstart – New artist taking care of finishing missing art.

Pirates of Pugmire – Errata input.

TCFBTS Heroic Land Dwellers – Inputting backer errata.

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate – Gathering Backer PDF errata.

Scion Companion – Just waiting for two tweaked pieces, expected today.

Contagion Chronicle – Corrections going over to Josh.

Cavaliers of Mars: City of the Towered Tombs

Duke Rollo Book – Finishing gathering backer errata.

Buried Bones: Creating in the Realms of Pugmire (Realms of Pugmire)

Magic Item Decks (Scarred Lands)

Yugman’s Guide Support Decks (Scarred Lands)

At Press

Night Horrors : Nameless and Accursed – PoD proof on the way.

Dystopia Rising: Evolution Community Content site – Opening on the Storypath Nexus this Weds!

TCFBTS Screen and Booklet

They Came from Beneath the Sea!

C:tL 2e Oak, Ash, & Thorn – PDF and PoD versions on sale at DTRPG this Weds!

Today’s Reason to Celebrate!

Please welcome Aaron Voss to Onyx Path! Aaron is old White Wolf and was my print buyer in the years before the merger with CCP, and has expertise in every stage of the game book creation process, and is specifically going to oversee getting our projects printed and shipped (and help Mirthful Mike Chaney out where he is needed).

#Onyx Path Publishing

[gascon-en-exil]

But What If You Want to Come Out on Vers Bottom?: A “Coming Out on Top” Review (Part 4)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

All that’s left now are the ten Brofinder dates. Because there’s so many of these and because they’re all fairly short with only a few variations in how they can go down I’m not going to be spending much time on each - just a quick overview of the stories as well as an evaluation of the inevitable sex. The quality does vary a fair bit, although it’s all subjective as to which are better depending on what kind of story you’re looking for as well as, in some cases, your kinks.

Jake

Comes with a fairly obvious death condition, a sequence in which Mark and Jake get to nerd out over The Legend of Zelda, and another in which Jake lectures Mark/the player on the virtues of polyamory. I’ve always been poly-friendly myself, and the lecture does lead into a - thoroughly random - train scenario, but to say it’s not how you’d logically expect this date to go down is a bit of an understatement. Jake never even takes his shirt off, so in place of a body hair toggle he gets one to dye his hair pink for whatever reason. It’s a shame too, because at the start of the date there’s some discussion over Jake’s weight and how he should be confident in his size and his unusually elaborate buffet eating strategies.

Tommy

Like Jake’s date Tommy’s rapidly goes to some unexpected places, but in his case those places entail getting kidnapped and forced to talk through the failures of the criminal justice system at gunpoint. There are more than a few chances to get a quick game over, some funnier than others, but if Mark survives to make it to Tommy’s place he’s greeted by a brief but hot round of sex with the one man in the cast whose dick size is talked up even more than Brad’s. In this case it may actually be warranted; the girth of that thing looks positively inhuman in the CGs, so, rejoice if you’re into that.

Frankie

This guy talks an outlandishly highbrow game that he very clearly can’t deliver on, and having a successful date with him requires Mark to be as aggressively honest as possible as a means of badgering Frankie into admitting to all his unsubtle deception. The man underneath them may just be a more pathetic prospect than Mark himself, but at least the player gets treated to as good a striptease as this game can deliver with its assets followed by sex on the beach...literally, not the cocktail. This date reserves inexplicably dirty names of that nature for gelato of all things.

Luke

The absurdity only continues to build as Mark is invited to “Streamflix and chill” by an Irish frat bro who doesn’t know what that term means because apparently this universe’s Netflix knockoff doesn’t exist in Ireland. It’s up to the player to smoothly guide Mark through a showing of an inspirational story about a narcoleptic rugby player to get to the grand prize of a chance to quietly blow Luke under the blankets when his housemates could walk in at any second (or provide off-the-cuff commentary on Brokeback Mountain, as it happens). There’s also a dream CG at the end featuring yet more sports roleplay sex, as if Brad’s route didn’t offer enough of that. My favorite part though is Luke complaining about American bars not serving alcohol past 2 AM, as I agree with him that it is utterly barbaric.

Cesar

As should be apparent, this is the one with cop sex. Mark gets caught up in a drug sting, and depending on how the player feels about Ian’s suggestion of bringing along ranch dressing (or rather, ranch dressing mix) to the supposed siesta the specific type of cop sex will either be a fairly standard round of Mark bottoming or one of the only finger-fucking sessions in the game. Either way Mark will be resisting arrest as well as sexually harassing a police officer following what was very obviously a setup targeting cruising gay men, but because this is an erotic dating sim and every man in it wants Mark’s ass let’s all withhold our reservations regarding the ethical ramifications of this entire scenario. I have no trouble doing so, although that’s mostly because cop sex does nothing for me. 

Terry

Well, color me surprised - if not terribly aroused - because at long last we have a twink. There seems to be a thinly-veiled pop culture reference here, to something like a younger Justin Bieber or one of those guys from One Direction, but as wild as this date ends up going I find it hangs together rather well even without working as an allusion to any specific celebrity. Mark finds himself billed as the winner of a date with a pop star, and hilarity ensues as he encounters screaming fangirls, a creepy stalker trying to get locks of Terry’s hair, and a karaoke contest in a dive bar where New Orleans gets name-dropped because this city is mentioned in so many songs and where Mark “rocks the hell out of” Schubert’s Ave Maria, somehow. The sex itself is a novelty, with the choice coming down to either Mark giving a rimjob while Terry performs autofellatio or Mark pounding some twink ass. A post-coital hair snipping for the stalker is optional.

Donovan

This man has some hang-ups, and I still can’t decide whether they’re hot or not. At first pass this date is a bite-sized deconstruction of what Dream Daddy could have been had it been interested in actually examining the kinds of relationships it claims to center around - Donovan is a literal father, divorced and new to the dating scene and clearly uncomfortable with many aspects of it up to and including the very sexualized concept of gay daddies. His attempts at flirting and blending in at a gay bar are awkwardly endearing, but as I suggested with Alex I think CooT wants to have it both ways by having Donovan opine about being treated like a daddy...when he looks the way he does and while he’s buying drinks for a guy more than ten years his junior. Even his attempt at more authentically bonding with Mark via an impromptu woodworking tutorial quickly pivots into innuendo and heavier flirting leading up to the inevitable sex scene (although the player should note that in order to get said sex scene you’ll have to know a little about what Donovan is teaching Mark as well as allow him to step away for a heart-to-heart with his teenage son). What follows is shower sex where Mark tops his bull of a date - so if you’re into big hairy bottoms and didn’t get enough from some of Amos’s options this is your story.

Oz and Pete

No Grindr analogue would be complete without a partnered relationship looking for one more, and in truth this date earns some major points for realistically capturing the mix of awkwardness and sensual chaos that comes from jumping in bed with an established couple. This includes crossed wires on who’s using the shared profile, a bit of informal relationship counseling, and the messy but inevitably uneven bonding Mark does with either Oz or Pete. There are two successful paths to this date according to which of them Mark spends more time with at the bar, with each of them building up to a particular type of fetish sex that the two of them haven’t discussed with one another until now. For Oz (on the left) that’s double penetration, while for Pete it’s cuckoldry with some bonus rimming and felching in the scene itself. This is admittedly one of the more physically demanding scenarios Mark can find himself in, especially if he favors Oz, but as I said it’s handled with a surprising amount of realism. Plus there’s a comment before the date that sort of handwaves Mark’s pre-sex stretching that goes along with an utterly ridiculous (mental) image, so I’ll let it slide.

Theo

This one is interesting, to say the least. Mark is paid to pose as Theo’s fiancé at his ten year high school reunion, as part of a ploy to show off how successful Theo has become and rub his former bullies’ noses in it. In addition to the usual wacky humor - and cameos from both Penny and Ian - this is a story with a fair bit of heart to it depending on how Mark deals with the situation. He can either play the perfect partner and earn Theo the recognition he craves...or he can go as absurd and over-the-top as possible but don’t try rickrolling the bullies because that’s a step too far, making a spectacle of himself and teaching Theo a valuable lesson about not caring about the opinions of the people who used to mock him. Provided the date’s a success in one form or another Theo will proffer the above Dom/sub scenario, and Mark can respond either by agreeing to be a sub (either in the comparatively vanilla sense if he was sensible at the reunion or as a pup if he went overboard with it) or by flipping the script and making Theo his sub for the evening. They could have done a lot more with the pup play considering it’s just the sub version with a collar and canine sound effects, but there’s already more logical bang for your buck going on in this date than in around half of the others.

Hugh and Jesse

This is...I can’t even....

Okay, whatever. It’s the last one. It’s not a date, properly speaking, but is accessed if Mark chooses to play with himself on the Brofinder menu. He gets high off some incredibly dubious weed given to him by Ian and proceeds to get intimately acquainted with his goldfish Slurpy in what is CooT’s second-heaviest icthyophilic moment (Google for #1, I already said back in Part 1 I’m not going there). If he calls for an ambulance he’ll be taken under the care of a pair of twin EMTs who make up for what they lack in professionalism with the kind of zany determination you’d expect with a setup like this. At that point it’s the player’s choice of a spit roast or a combo blowjob and rimjob. Adding to the overall disorienting effect of this “date” is the game experimenting with perspective and its visual assets in ways rarely seen elsewhere and that honestly don’t work very well. There’s only so much you can do with such, ahem, stiff portraits.

#Coming Out on Top

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: 🥱🥱 Jimmy: Afternoon Janis: Piss off Janis: it's the crack of dawn Janis: bet the boy ain't even woke up yet to 👀 the decs Jimmy: it's a lie in for me Janis: before you handicapped me, I was getting up pretty early too 🐕🏃 Jimmy: @ Helena and her 💊s Jimmy: that there's the handicap Janis: her back ain't that bad Janis: anyway 💊s aren't gonna make me jolly Jimmy: go on then Jimmy: what do you need, baby? Janis: 😏 Janis: Is that any way for an elf to talk? Jimmy: depends what you 🖋 in your letter to 🎅 Jimmy: might be dead on Janis: You reckon that's top of my list? Jimmy: know what you're like with 👴💕 Janis: 🥇 or nowt Janis: makes Lucas look 🥉 for sure Jimmy: writing lines in detention ain't gonna come close Janis: Only just started this holiday Janis: you need cheering up too 🌧 Jimmy: don't sound like me, that Janis: ☀️ Janis: not much chance of that today ☃️ Jimmy: you not coming then? Janis: You really are on form this AM Janis: very quotable Jimmy: won't be long til 💀👑's getting out her 🛁 of 🩸 for a new day of torture Jimmy: have to sleep when we're ⚰ Janis: grind never sleeps 💪 Janis: so glad she only has 😍 for one 👴 though Jimmy: they've had years to perfect that roleplay Jimmy: must be 🥇 Janis: 🤢🤢 nah Janis: not gonna be able to face breakfast now Janis: 💔 that's why she can't either, awh Jimmy: stop finding common ground, it's 💔 me Janis: Baby Janis: sure if you asked really nicely, they'd let you work a double shift Jimmy: funny Janis: You walked right into that one Jimmy: there'd be nowt 💔😭🎻 for me about walking our kid to you and pissing off to work if you want some alone time with your real boyfriend 🎅 Janis: yeah right Janis: be all good until he starts 💔😭🎻 and I'd have to come find you Jimmy: I get it, you're off the 🎪🤹🤡 clock Janis: just don't reckon I know enough sign language to win him over Jimmy: reckon you could leave it to 🎅 Jimmy: seems like he'd be a traditional kind of #lad, chuffed for you to be 🤐 and just bake the mince pies Janis: 🤤 what can't he do Jimmy: probably wouldn't have got 💀👑's cooking down him any easier than we did Janis: I didn't mind the excuse to go to the bathroom Jimmy: SUCH a 💊head, you Janis: 🙄 Janis: don't judge me, babes Jimmy: just her decor Jimmy: best that bathroom's ever gonna have looked with your giant head blocking out them ugly tiles Janis: should've dashed yours into 'em Jimmy: 🤤🤤🤤 Janis: gutted we didn't get to sleepover Janis: would've had plenty of time to redecorate 🩸 Jimmy: hang on, I'll set one up Jimmy: liven up the group chat Janis: 😂 Janis: you are SUCH a peacekeeper it's SOOOOOOOOOOO cute I can't 😻 Janis: run out of sleeps before 🎅 pays 'em all a visit Jimmy: 💰 on Asia getting into a #scandal thinking if she rubs the coal he gave her on her face she'll have a charcoal face mask ready to go Janis: Can't wait to #cancel her for good Jimmy: just better not have the sleepover here, that kind of casual racism could have her in the running for my new step ma Janis: imagine the unfortunate children Janis: massive heads and bigger teeth Janis: christ Jimmy: don't Jimmy: I'm basically illiterate, they'd be thick as shit Janis: the work would truly NEVER end Janis: you leave her in charge of 'em... 🍄💉🧱🧨🪓🔥 Jimmy: however many 👶 they churned out, she's one more on top of Janis: can't let that happen to you Jimmy: but near worth it for the #goals 👰🤵 pics obvs Janis: you wouldn't even be the cutest page boy Janis: tragic 💔 Jimmy: long as you keep faking your 😍 mate, don't matter Janis: I think I'll manage Janis: 🏆 at stake Jimmy: gotta take at least one job seriously, I'm doing your other Janis: 1. stop any time and let me 2. and your sister when you can't be arsed Jimmy: my sister when I've gotta be audience to your gingerbread masterpiece, more like Jimmy: can't have you going without 👏 Janis: don't throw down the gauntlet if you don't want me to show you how it's done Jimmy: when a lass begs me for a challenge, she gets one Jimmy: just that dickhead Janis: If I was gonna beg, you'd know about it Jimmy: you did and I did Jimmy: stop flirting with me, I've got a kid to shake away Jimmy: *awake Janis: yeah piss off and be useful Janis: 👋 in a few Jimmy: you got that hint then? Know what your room reading skills are like Janis: 'course you do Janis: got to have something to aspire to Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt don't mean cracking on with the second bit, case you need that spelling out an' all Janis: you're the one that's thick Janis: in your own words, spellchecked, I assume Jimmy: and I've still got better social skills, Julie 💔 for you Janis: if I got paid by the hour, I might bother as well 😘 Jimmy: Oi that's a point Jimmy: never left a tip in my jar, you Janis: you mean the one time I came in? Jimmy: you'd have preferred some festive bollocks off the menu, yeah? Jimmy: I'll sort that for next time 🤶 Janis: maybe I preferred another barista boy, and I know how tip jars work, make you share it out all equally 👎 Jimmy: alright but do you know how pockets work? I've got a few of them to slip 💰 in Jimmy: you can have that tip to slide into your new boyfriend's DMs with 😘 Janis: you aren't strippers Janis: if you want to go the hooter route, you're gonna need to make those aprons shorter Jimmy: there's a few 👴👵 who ain't had that memo Jimmy: I'll @ my manager with your 🥇💡 though, see if he'll get it done for this afternoon shift Janis: you're welcome Janis: you'll be cold but swimming in 💰 so who cares Jimmy: northerns don't feel the cold, bit like strippers Jimmy: *northerners Janis: you didn't totally wimp out on the school trip Janis: or the park Jimmy: 💪🏆 me Jimmy: Ian'll be dead proud Janis: yeah Janis: shame about the complexion Janis: leave it out and you can brag and bond Jimmy: 🍻 Janis: heartwarming Jimmy: hang on, this'll have you 💀💀💀 inside again Jimmy: [Bobby's reaction vid to these decs] Janis: Awh Janis: bless him Jimmy: we did alright Janis: you happy too? Janis: no video needed Jimmy: [a pic like 😁👍] Janis: 🤓 Jimmy: *😎🚬 Janis: 👌 honey Janis: does look good Jimmy: he's doing a letter to say tah to Santa, might need you to spellcheck it for us Janis: He's well cute Janis: doubt I'll get mine to do it but her penmanship is shite so he'll look 🥇 in comparison Jimmy: wait til he 👀s mine Jimmy: I'll have to tell him it ain't just a squiggle but actually says tah for the missus and that, mate Janis: 🎅💔 Jimmy: *🎅🥊 Janis: 😂 Janis: long as the kids are distracted by the shit gifts they'll get Jimmy: do you want your shit 🎨🎁 now or in a bit? Janis: give it to me when they get theirs or I'll 🥺 Janis: love ruining christmas, me Jimmy: don't sound like you, that Jimmy: 🥇🎄 work Janis: don't forget the gingerbread house Janis: as I crave that 👏 Jimmy: I'll knock you up a tinfoil 🏆 to go with your 👑 Janis: what you gonna cover your no carb low fat tofurkey with?!!!!? 😱😱😱 Jimmy: you're more important, girl Janis: taste better, is the honest truth Janis: don't need to be a 🧛 to know Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: I'll stick that in the group chat Janis: you can say it but they're not gonna find out for themselves Jimmy: as constructive criticism goes it ain't bad but no need to take it as an instruction, lasses Janis: 🤢🤢 Janis: stop making me feel ill Janis: I've got to go break the ✨ surprise and get all the 🏆👑 Jimmy: piss off then Janis: TTFN Jimmy: 💕 Janis: [actually skip forward now] Janis: where do you wanna meet? we're ready Jimmy: We'll walk over, get the intros out the way before 🎅 can stick his oar in Janis: 👍 Janis: she's pretty good at pronunciation for a kid but you might have to step in if she gets too chatty Jimmy: keep her on the nice list, I get it Janis: Don't worry, she's not a dick like my sister or anything Jimmy: I weren't Jimmy: you wouldn't have invited her if she were owt like Gracie Janis: Good Janis: we'll be outside ☃️☃️ Jimmy: 👍 Janis: not got any 🚬🕶 going so can't make it in your likeness this time soz Jimmy: long as you get the 👂 and eyebrows sorted you can still tag me Janis: 🪒 Jimmy: 😍 Janis: you deserve a treat too, like Jimmy: I'm just pleased to see you, soz Jimmy: 🚫🔪🔨🔧🪓 Janis: don't worry, santa is coming through for me later Janis: 🤞 for ☣️ Janis: 🥴🤤🤮💀👻 Jimmy: 💰 on your man having a flask of socially acceptable poison Janis: yeah, give him the rosy red cheeks that complete the lewk Janis: nose that looks like a 🍓 Jimmy: that there's the only treat I need 🤤 Janis: 😂 Jimmy: [show up so these bubs can meet and start a lifelong friendship] Janis: [Libi just like bonjour, what are you going to ask Santa for, I'm gonna ask for this and this] Jimmy: [we know Bobby wants art supplies and a camera and we know why lol cue an eye roll from Jimothy as if he isn't buzzing to be loved] Janis: [no pretending that's not adorable, like, just like WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR CRAYON] Jimmy: [okay but imagine him taking a crayon from behind his ear where jimothy keeps 🚬] Janis: [imagine, Janis just 😏 above their heads like not encouraging bad habits or nothing] Jimmy: [jimmy just looking to see if it's black like his soul or blood red and tutting when it obvs isn't either of those] Janis: [shakes head like what have you been teaching him tbh, Libi saying hers is that bluey silver colour like her mum's hair and we oop] Jimmy: [Bobby just like I don't have a mum anymore cos kids don't give a fuck and Jimmy just like so glad I get to sign this] Janis: [just literally like gurl same! 'cos neither of you can tell a child to shut the fuck up lmao 'my mummy and daddy are dead, what happened to your mum?'] Jimmy: [Bobby just like 'she went away' because we truly know not] Janis: [just like fantastic, so glad we came, bet he's thrilled he invited us now, 'cos we're not even looking, just walking in total silence, meanwhile Libi like oh okay 'If she comes back, I can see her' and then moving on chatting about our dog and what we're getting her for Christmas] Jimmy: [Bobby just like 'my dad's about but you wouldn't want to meet him' and doing an impression of Ian's angry face and then telling her all about Twix because dogs 5ever, making Jimothy give him his phone to show Libi pics of this pup] Janis: ['my granddad could fight him' when you're like Libi shh that's not nice but at least that is amusing as a prospect, also clearly doing a phone swap 'cos you'd have that Killer queen content on yours, Libi being like 'Janis knows loads about dogs and has taught her loads of tricks because she used to be a naughty girl and wee everywhere and eat everyone's shoes' and loling] Jimmy: [Bobby just dangerously close to outting Jimmy's secrets by telling her that he fights Ian sometimes so casual so nbd and then telling her about how Cass did that dog walk the other day and going on and on about how naughty Twix is and all the things she's done] Janis: [JJ y'all gotta pick them up and run so you can shove breakfast in their gobs like nooooooooo 'you're so lucky you've got a brother AND a sister, even though your brother's old too' looking at Jimmy and shaking her head in disdain because that's the age of her aunties and stuff and kids have no concept of age they treat you like you're ancient but at least that's a joke we've had so Janis managing to look at Jimmy like lol, she knows your secret] Jimmy: [the most half hearted 😏 but we're a bit more amused when Bobby starts dragging Cass by doing an impression of how angry she is and stomping about etc as if she's worse than Ian] Janis: [she's cackling in that way babby's do 'you're funny, you're my new friend'] Jimmy: [Bobby is buzzing and we're using Jimothy's phone to have a selfie sesh but also take artsy pics of our new bff as we go along] Janis: [run along you innocent children, like you've not just revealed so much, god bless] Jimmy: [JJ just awkwardly af walking in silence now thanks kids] Janis: [going to apologize like several times but you can't even, where would you begin lmao, pretend it's chill] Jimmy: [chuck some snow at her or like shake a tree branch full of it onto her or something, any distraction will do] Janis: [fall into the safety of that] Jimmy: [if nothing else he's good at that when things are awkward] Janis: [likewise, when we sit down for this breakfast, you can do all the posting thus far] Jimmy: [cheers to the fans for that distraction, meanwhile Jimmy and Bobby can teach Libi some easy signing since we're BFFs and gonna be seeing more of you undoubtedly baby hen] Janis: [lucky for you gal, perks of being but a child, she'd love that 'cos mini nerd and she'll be able to pick it up as most nurseries now do makaton so it's a way into learning it] Jimmy: [at least the bubs are having a lovely time until Santa breaks Bobby's heart by not knowing any] Janis: [truly, a day of drama and stress when you're just trying to do something nice, if that don't sum up xmas] Jimmy: [the tea honey, at least that'll be easy to smooth over like the people I work with are dickheads as well boy, that ain't the real Santa's fault] Janis: [it happens a lot 'cos the shopping centre ones freak kids out rightly so, Libi just blowing raspberries at him like understand this loser 'cos we're a baby bad bitch] Jimmy: [I stan Libi and the way she'll protect him and make him less shy, cos you know we're doing it too after she has and didn't get shouted at lol] Janis: [you've got your prezzies kids, fuck him up, just tugging on Jimmy's sleeve and loudly being like 'What's sign for poopoo head?' 'cos the age hen] Jimmy: [obvs we're showing her and we're not sorry, Jimothy is a bad bitch too okay] Janis: [we're just calling everyone a poopoo head all day now, which I imagine is quite visually obvious because the swears etc usually are] Jimmy: [that has cheered everyone greatly thanks Libi] Janis: [you are a funny egg, at least, hence we can't be mad at you/ignore you because what is that achieving, 'tis not your fault Edie is dead luv] Jimmy: [and Edie wouldn't want that like you can be anti Ruster having her because she wouldn't want that obvs] Janis: [make that the hill and we lowkey ignore everyone else rn, at least in comparison to how everything was before, so it's fine lol, think we are gonna get y'all presents that don't suck and I think you should get pups and name them] Jimmy: [keeping them forever, you cannot destroy them Twix or Killer thank you] Janis: [keep 'em safe, lads, I think you should call yours Star, 'cos huskies are that silvery grey colour too and the names work well together because obviously your dogs are BFFs too] Jimmy: [aw Snow & Star 4ever] Janis: [making Janis make the dogs do little tricks for y'all and then cackling again when she makes 'em poo on Libi's head] Jimmy: [love this so much, also can't forget Jimmy giving Janis the 🎨 which can be when the bubs have their real 🎁 cos fuck you Santa] Janis: [we know she genuinely appreciates them honey, we're always excited to see what he's done] Jimmy: [god knows because he blatantly did it last night after she left/early this morning even before this convo started because never sleep well so] Janis: [you know Libi is gonna be all over that hun like SHOW ME and then being like draw me draw me to Jimmy and Bobby] Jimmy: [they shall honey because we love an art sesh] Janis: [the confidence of a child, just posing here with the dogs] Jimmy: [never change gal never lose it] Janis: [we're clearly making Janis too, then shouting out increasingly complicated things, like, make the dogs pull us on a sleigh, make us flying, like gal, your dreams lol] Jimmy: [Jimothy will never back down from a challenge, he's got you bub] Janis: [don't stress out poor Bobby though, at least you not a rude ass bitch so you wouldn't shade his attempt] Jimmy: [it'd be a cute attempt, BFF status cemented] Janis: [can put up these pics for extra cuteness, hoes will DIE] Jimmy: [I wish we actually had some but alas] Janis: [never be as good as our imagination anyway] Jimmy: [true, is there anything else we wanna have them do before he has to go back to work?] Jimmy: [could go to the park maybe because it's right by his house and thus mcvickers] Janis: [that's a good way to end this day for you kiddos, could also get the dogs which would make them lowkey hysterical with happiness so pop off] Jimmy: [love that cos we know Cass has probably walked the other dogs while they've been out for that cash so no time to take Twix] Janis: [live ya life, get ya things, but now you gotta go to work and we gotta] Janis: Thanks for today, reckon they both enjoyed themselves 👍✔ Jimmy: you're alright, were going any road and I reckon he had a better time with her about Janis: they were cute Janis: and she lives at my nan and granddads so if he wants to hang more, easy done Jimmy: 👍✔ Janis: Yeah Janis: well she doesn't always talk about her dead mum and dad so it shouldn't be a big thing Janis: sorry Jimmy: it weren't a big thing to him Jimmy: nowt for you to be sorry for Janis: It weirds plenty of kids out Janis: I could've warned you, I guess Jimmy: loads of kids reckon he's weird Jimmy: Asia's sister included Janis: some front when you look like your ma fucked a cheese grater Jimmy: her dad weren't at the nativity, might be 'cause he were stuck in a drawer, yeah Janis: dunno if she's got one any more Janis: 💀👑 flex Jimmy: what, like she fucked and ate him? Janis: 🐰🥕 Jimmy: #fated Janis: 💔 they didn't think so Jimmy: 💔 I can't change the station to Classic FM for them 🎻s Janis: Perils of 🎅🎄🎁☃️ Jimmy: ❌🎅 that shithead's 💀💀💀 to us Janis: yeah Janis: and his tunes are shit Jimmy: don't even care how fit that 🍓 were looking Jimmy: SO over him and his 👃 babes Janis: better off without him Janis: you can do SO much better Jimmy: 🖋 us a joke about him being a ho ho HOE Janis: I'll hit up the group chat Janis: their level of humour Jimmy: 🥇💡 Janis: and one of them has always just been dumped so they'll comiserate with you Jimmy: tah huns Janis: nothing if not the BEST friends to have Jimmy: DUH! Only time I'll accept 🥈 Janis: charming that is 😏 Jimmy: I get it 🎅 were a right let down, you need some 💕 Janis: just a bit rude that you're so gracious with them Jimmy: Baby Janis: Such a pisstake Jimmy: their BFF status, yeah Janis: you Jimmy: why me? Janis: you just are Jimmy: you can take it Janis: true Jimmy: I know, that'll be why I said it Janis: we're alright, yeah? Janis: I don't think shit needs to be weird just 'cos 2 kids have got no filter Jimmy: don't it feel like we're alright to you? Janis: it was a bit awkward Janis: but I'm over it if you are Jimmy: nowt to be over from where I'm serving overpriced ☕ Jimmy: just the unpaid translator earlier, me, none of my business what they were going on about Jimmy: if you wanna tell me something, up to you, that Janis: alright Janis: works for me Jimmy: she's world class at signing, won't need me after a bit, any road Janis: bit of a third-wheel Janis: cramp his style with your 🤓 Jimmy: *😎 Jimmy: but alright 🖍 are cooler than 🚬 give him that Janis: gonna usurp you in every way, for sure Jimmy: go on then, what's your fave colour 🖍 ? Janis: the important questions Janis: don't know why it's taken you so long Jimmy: tell me Jimmy: edge of the seat I ain't allowed to put my arse near til my next break Janis: 🎻😞 Janis: goldenrod or inchworm obvs Jimmy: gonna do your next 🎨 in them so 🤞 you took it serious Janis: it's 💛💚 so I'm gonna look like a keylime pie Jimmy: never said I were drawing you, bighead Janis: you will be though Jimmy: not gonna now for the sake of Janis: 1. I know you're tired, grumpy 2. How will they know it's goals??? Jimmy: 1. Bollocks 2. everything I touch turns to #goals, nowt I could do wrong Janis: 1. s'fair, you've been an unpaid translator, an artiste, santa and now barista boy who can't sit down 2. alright, if you want to add Midas to the CV but might be a bit much Jimmy: now I've got your permission I'll draw some eyes on 😎 and grab a quick kip 👍 tah for that, Jillian Jimmy: ❌ that off the CV though, noted Janis: it's fair but life and working a minimum wage job for your living ain't Janis: keep 💭 though and I'll let you focus on it and the overpriced ☕ Jimmy: where's your focus going? Janis: need to get another minimum wage job I can do sitting down so you don't take it over/ban me Jimmy: you were hopping round less today, that just for the kid's benefit or were you 💭 about keeping me out of pocket with a full recovery, like? Janis: 💭 about keeping you out the loop and pretending it's permanent Janis: have you munchausened me or am I munchausening you Janis: real question #2 Jimmy: well done on telling me that plan then Janis: Yeah, you know Janis: when you've pissed off who's gonna carry me about Jimmy: 🎅 Jimmy: you're heavy but not sack of 🎁 heavy Janis: true Janis: he's 💪 Janis: oh well, problem sorted then 👋 Jimmy: Lucas is a poor man's version an' all he'd be alright for a few lifts Jimmy: I'll race back for the funeral, obvs Janis: don't Janis: he actually offered me a lift once after a match and it was very awkward Janis: definitely not meant to do that, but he's a maverick, you know Jimmy: did you offer to take a lit match to his car or what? Janis: I'm not as witty as Libi Janis: but I did get detention for a week, which is funny as, like what you saying for? 'cos I didn't wanna get sexually assaulted and dumped in a ditch? Janis: 💩💩🧠 Jimmy: Stockholm syndrome only works for dickheads like me on dickheads like you 💔 for him Janis: 'scuse me? Jimmy: can't ⛓ you to a desk nowhere but in his dreams Jimmy: could've childlocked you into his motor but his lack of 🥇🗨 pissed on that Janis: If there was anything in his plan for me, might've worked Janis: but I'm not arsed about straight As Janis: 🤞 he tried Mia next Jimmy: she does look like she just crawled out a ditch Jimmy: dunno if we can score him any credit for that though Janis: just the #aesthetic babes Janis: try and look a bit buzzing when they come in, 'cos they will Janis: no need to 💔 them about 🎅 when you can act like it was the best time ever Jimmy: 😒 just my face, nowt personal, Mia Janis: NOT pleased to see her 🔧🔨🧨🪓🔪 Jimmy: I'll fake it if she fakes not being a Scrooge Janis: no need to go that far Jimmy: if you can't be a slag for tips at christmas, when can you, eh? Janis: 🙄😏 Jimmy: Oi, dead serious question, that Janis: I don't do your schedule Janis: though maybe I'll pop a CV in Janis: better or worse than step-mum nightmares? 🤔 Jimmy: Depends Janis: on? Jimmy: you gonna leave the ☕🎨 to me or are we making 🎄🍆 happen? Janis: 1. the #goals answer is the cup ain't big enough to do it justice, alright 2. if you were as good a teacher as Lucas, I might be better but most importantly 3. gonna be your manager, I'll never be there let alone ever make ☕s Jimmy: got it all figured out, you Jimmy: be piss easy for you to answer my next dead serious question Janis: yeah, aside for my total lack of experience for the role, well in Janis: so go on Jimmy: I were just thinking are we too 👰💍🤵? 👵💕👴 ain't #goals unless we're chatting my personal Janis: too domestic, you mean? Jimmy: we've done 👶🐕 if there ain't a christmas eve eve party I'll lose the 🤏 of faith I had in paddy teen humanity Janis: there's always parties Janis: it probably is time to hit another one up Jimmy: nowt to do with Ian clocking off for 🎄 and TOTALLY to do with me being chuffed to bits to give the fans what they're after Janis: 🙌 Janis: worth celebrating, I get it Jimmy: 🍾 Janis: as much as it pains me, I can't say I can't make it Janis: so sure, put in an appearance Jimmy: I get it 💔 you can't dance Jimmy: 🦶🎻🎻 Janis: at least I have an excuse Jimmy: me an' all, it's being a white northern lad Janis: 😂 Janis: I meant an excuse not to be ground on by randomers but yeah Jimmy: still works Janis: 💔💔 Jimmy: don't worry, I'll do my 😭 for pity tips, nowt you need to see Janis: if you're going that kind of party Janis: don't need to invite me Jimmy: I'll tell Doris to chuck her cardi on 💕 she'll love a bit of that Janis: unsurprised Janis: dirty bitch Jimmy: 😍😍 Janis: 🤢 Jimmy: green is right Janis: ha Janis: obviously Jimmy: whatever party we're going to, I will need a slaggy 🤶 ootd Janis: Penneys will have one you can pick up Jimmy: owt you want? Janis: not a fake beard Janis: ❌🎅 Jimmy: already got one of them in me Janis: fuck off Jimmy: in a bit then, Ellen Janis: you aren't funny Jimmy: still working on the 🤹 me Jimmy: ☕☕☕☕☕ Janis: keep at it Jimmy: they're here, should I invite 'em to this party or what? Janis: depends Jimmy: ? Janis: do you want an actual night off or do you wanna have to do #goals shit Jimmy: you heard, can do goals shit without trying Jimmy: do you want a night off? Janis: I asked you first Jimmy: so answer me first Janis: 🙄 Janis: I've had enough time off Janis: my ankle is better Jimmy: alright Janis: so answer Jimmy: I did Janis: Bitch, where Jimmy: I said alright Jimmy: I can do it Janis: no need to tax yourself Jimmy: piss off Janis: I'll go home and decorate mine Jimmy: 👌 Janis: don't invite them and you can actually have a decent time Jimmy: where? it's still a shit party full of dickheads Janis: it's your night off Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: you can't think of a single fun thing to do? Jimmy: if I ain't on your clock I'm on another Jimmy: 👶🐕 Janis: you said your dad was off Janis: is that not the entire point Jimmy: the entire point were I don't wanna be there, not that I don't have to be Jimmy: nowt #goals about pissing about for the sake of Jimmy: if you don't need me to be 🏆 they do Janis: if you don't wanna be there, then don't Janis: it doesn't make any odds if we're being #goals or not Janis: like your dad is really invested Jimmy: nowt I do is for that prick's benefit, didn't reckon that needed spelling out an' all Janis: that's my point Janis: do it for yourself Janis: don't need to pretend you're doing me a massive favour to warrant it Jimmy: what's it doing for me if I ain't? Janis: I don't know Janis: some peace and quiet Janis: time to fucking breathe Jimmy: you heard me, where? Jimmy: tisn't the season, mate Janis: for fuck's sake Janis: I never said I had all the answers for you Jimmy: don't have a go at me just 'cause I ain't chuffed at the prospect of becoming a ⛄ walking the streets of this shithole taking deep breaths or some bollocks Janis: you stop having a go at me first and we'll be quits Janis: sorry I don't have any top ideas of what you can do Janis: if I did we wouldn't need to bother with this bullshit Jimmy: 👍 Janis: whatever Jimmy: tah for that Janis: just piss off and do some work Jimmy: going against your night off stance but alright Jimmy: not the hill you wanna 💀💀💀 on Janis: whatever you're gonna do, you're still on the 🕡 right now Jimmy: weren't reckoning I had this apron on 'cause it makes me look even more fit and mysterious Jimmy: just a bonus, that Janis: funny Jimmy: come to the party with me, dickhead Janis: you're so frustrating Jimmy: how else you gonna prove to me your ankle is better and get your 🐕🏃💰 back? Jimmy: come on Janis: alright Jimmy: alright Janis: I thought you wanted to go alone Jimmy: what for? Janis: be off my 🕡 Jimmy: this is the easiest job I've got Jimmy: and before you start, NOT saying you are Janis: I'm not starting nothing Janis: it just pisses me off when you act like it's all my idea, or I wanna do it Janis: it's mutually beneficial, that's the point Janis: and the rest of them are the ones 👀 & 💬 Janis: not me Jimmy: it were my idea, I ain't forgotten that or why it's a 🥇 Jimmy: I'm a mardy prick, can't fake that I ain't all the time Janis: I'll survive Jimmy: I'll make it up to you Janis: don't need to Jimmy: but we both need Ian's stash more than him Janis: not gonna argue with that Jimmy: mutually beneficial, I heard you Janis: he can enjoy some sober family fun Janis: I'm not going to enjoy any party if I'm not at least a bit buzzed Jimmy: you can be pissed as 💀#2 were by round 2 of that game if you want, used to carrying you by now Janis: considering how much we've eat today Janis: literally impossible Jimmy: 💔 I can't accept that challenge 'cause I ain't no lightweight Jimmy: feels wrong turning one down Janis: what else is a party for Janis: be loads of others to 🥇 Jimmy: quick, give me one I can do now before I vanish 👻👋 Janis: 🤔🤔 hmm Janis: I don't know much about this ☕😍 life Janis: but how many non-dairy orders can you 🐄 up before any of 'em notice and complain Janis: trusting you not to bullshit, dickhead Jimmy: I swear on our kid's fake 🐕 Janis: hope the real one ain't savaged poor snow Janis: will be all your fault, obvs Jimmy: sounds like her, that Jimmy: and me getting the blame'd be about right an' all Jimmy: 🤞🤞 Janis: Poor baby Jimmy: you better mean me Janis: 'course I mean you Jimmy: know what you're like 🐕💕 Janis: didn't even buy myself one, firstly Janis: and secondly, you know you're 🥇 don't be jealous Jimmy: I'd have nicked you one but 👀 and 👂 already got our sticking a 🖍 behind his Jimmy: no need to turn 'em into baby Bonnie and Clyde Janis: thank god he's cute Janis: or it'd be baby borstal Janis: use the disability card and there's nothing he can't do 😎🖍 Jimmy: and then it'd be baby 👻 'cause he'd never hack that Janis: 🥺 Janis: got that from you and all Jimmy: how much bollocks were yours 🗨? Janis: I know you're gutted she got your number Janis: 👴 Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: is there owt you can do for our real 🐕 or what? Janis: Oh Janis: well, yeah Janis: that's the side hussle 'cos the rich cunts who cba to walk their own dogs also cba to train 'em, oddly enough Jimmy: it's too 💰💰💰 for us poor lads then Janis: not necessarily Janis: need the funds myself so we can do 💰 and a favour Jimmy: if you're 💭 mates rates he weren't 🗨 bollocks about how 😈🐕 it is Janis: it can't be worse than that thing was Janis: Killer ain't a funny nickname 'cos it was so 😇 Jimmy: might have to be a big favour, all I'm saying Janis: if you can't afford it Jimmy: made 2 🐄☕ with no 🤬 or 💩 already, be alright Janis: 🤞 Jimmy: 🤝? Janis: you don't want to hear what favour I might want? Janis: brave Janis: but a deal Jimmy: I ain't scared of giving you owt you might want, Jules Janis: Good Jimmy: 👍 Janis: be a really boring party otherwise Jimmy: can't have that Janis: would be gutted Janis: and I do owe you for all the kid time today Jimmy: #notallsantas Jimmy: you'll get no 💔 off me Janis: not what I want Janis: but I did miss being alone with you Janis: I know she's a lot Jimmy: she's alright Janis: she's just a kid Janis: she don't know no better Jimmy: 🥈 to 😎🖍 obvs but I rate her as kids go Janis: duh, that 💕🥇 is mutual Jimmy: he's got no mates here yet, it were a 🏆 day for him Janis: I'm glad Janis: she liked him too Janis: wouldn't shut up Jimmy: he's probs still going on to my sister an' all Janis: gonna owe her something now Janis: probably a bit better than a cuddly 🐕 Jimmy: she's done alright out of the 🐕🏃💰 she'll live Janis: she don't need to re-cripple me for the gig Janis: plenty of 🐕🏃💰 to go 'round, don't need to be 14 for that Jimmy: she'll be 💔 you don't wanna 🥊 but yeah Jimmy: she can't be arsed to do ours but I don't blame her when it's Ian's 💰 Janis: I don't make it a habit 👶🍭 Jimmy: brb gotta @ her that fighting 🗨 Janis: such a shit-stirrer Janis: it's alright, not tryna be your new step-mum, don't need to parent-trap me Jimmy: it's called making coffee when it's my 9-5, babe Janis: 😂 get him some chalk he's had an 💭💡 Jimmy: can do my 🐄☕ tally an' all Janis: make your least fave colleague clean the bogs today Jimmy: whoever the lad is you said you liked ✔ Janis: 😨 Jimmy: 😏 Janis: trying to turn everyone against me, I 👀 Janis: only going to have to make it up to him, think on Jimmy: not if I do first 😘 Janis: 🐍 Jimmy: bit of editing that's a 🍆📏 compliment Janis: UGH Janis: bastard Jimmy: 😂 Janis: you always go on about just the tip so Janis: can't confirm nor deny ladies 💁🙊 Jimmy: one way to get me to do nudes Janis: Eurgh, don't Janis: I'll hype you up in the tweets, fine Jimmy: go on then Janis: alright Janis: [least subtle posts ever 'cos a challenge] Jimmy: [cue a flirting via socials sesh because love that for you two always] Janis: [always a mood] Janis: so goals Jimmy: Where do you reckon 💀👑 is on the scale? Janis: 😠 Janis: but if she does come to this party Janis: 🤬 potential Jimmy: but you ain't factored in she can see my 😍 IRL Jimmy: have another go Janis: 😡 Janis: so festive of her Janis: #2 bringing the 🤢 Jimmy: proud of you Janis: Babe 😊😌 Janis: are they all there? Jimmy: yeah Janis: wow ✨ miracles never cease 🙄 Jimmy: 👀 🛍 about to go ask if there's owt for us Janis: real 🎅 right there Jimmy: gonna pretend I can't understand her answer Jimmy: if that other dickhead can get away with it Janis: 😏 Jimmy: Where's Libi when I need her? Janis: she could rinse them Jimmy: I'd dip into the tip jar to see it Janis: too bad she's probably having her tea right now Janis: downsides of being 4 Jimmy: can't promise her owt better off this menu Janis: sounds like too much excitement for one day Janis: my nan'll be fuming Jimmy: I'll be round to make it up to her in a bit 🦷🌹🦷 Janis: no tah, Romeo Jimmy: spoilsport Janis: you wanted an outfit, I'm out 👀 🛍 Jimmy: watch your 🦶 in the stampede Janis: it's mental Janis: 🥊 for the bargains Jimmy: do you a 🥊 alongside my 🐄☕ Jimmy: high scores over here Janis: you're on Jimmy: 🖋👂 til my next break Janis: cute Jimmy: Bill's 👻 on at me to write you a sonnet Janis: how many did he crack out? Janis: so many hoes Jimmy: I'd ask but he's flirting now Jimmy: never takes a break, him Janis: Oh Bill Janis: the slutty friend in this sitcom Jimmy: *romcom Janis: so soz Jimmy: 😘 Janis: can't believe how cliche this shit is and we're still getting new fans Jimmy: just that good Janis: thanks, I am Jimmy: said it before Jimmy: as a muse, you're 🥇 Janis: you're not so bad yourself Jimmy: I'll aim my 😳 at their table, tah for the MASSIVE compliment Janis: I could do better but Jimmy: ? Janis: maybe it'll make me 😳 Jimmy: you're in hell, there's your excuse Jimmy: *🥵 Janis: I already know what we're gonna do at this party and honestly, I would've come even if you didn't want me to Janis: 'til you you did Jimmy: will you come here? Janis: yes Jimmy: 🚫🏃 Janis: okay Janis: but now, yeah? Jimmy: what kind of question is that? Janis: One I want you to answer Jimmy: one you know the answer to Jimmy: 'course now Janis: 👍 Janis: hold on Jimmy: I don't care if they're still here, that's not why Janis: No? Jimmy: I'll still want you here when they've pissed off Janis: I know Janis: I wanna be there Janis: you know, with you Jimmy: I know it gets a bit Jimmy: what I mean and don't Jimmy: what's for them and what's for you Janis: headfuck Janis: but we both knew that Jimmy: yeah Janis: I can handle it Jimmy: I wouldn't have picked you if I didn't reckon you could Janis: not a total bastard Jimmy: just 🤏 Janis: I like it Jimmy: obvs, your type is 🎅 Janis: 💩heads? Janis: maybe Jimmy: works for me Janis: [show up gal] Jimmy: [have an epic makeout sesh in front of all these shoppers going past and the gals inside 👀🍿 through the huge windows] Janis: [you've earnt it] Jimmy: [and Mia always deserves to be fuming] Janis: [very true honey, we know you and Pablo is all but over now] Jimmy: [he won't have bought you any goals gifts, what are you gonna do buy them yourself and imply they are from him? awkward] Janis: [didn't come to your friendmas even though you told him to, he's not serving his purpose hen] Jimmy: [notp in every sense] Janis: [we been knew, bye gals, we aren't remotely thinking about you rn] Jimmy: [lowkey never are, you're a flimsy excuse at most huns] Janis: [one we don't need currently] Jimmy: [are you coming in when his break is over or are you off again gal?] Janis: [we're coming in 'cos he asked you to stay] Jimmy: [we'll make you food you actually wanna eat, it's been ages since breakfast] Janis: [just try and find somewhere to perch and chill] Jimmy: [we'll do you the favour of saying Mia made the gals storm past you mid makeout or whatever so you don't have to sit with them] Janis: [lmao imagine, bring your festive spirit down more than the kids chatting up a storm earlier lmao] Jimmy: [that's the last thing we need, he'd get in trouble by letting you sit in the staff area before he made you share their table lol] Janis: [should do that, you know his managers long gone for xmas lol] Jimmy: [honestly go ahead gal we haven't done any of the getting in trouble stuff yet so his record is spotless rn] Janis: [us 😈 lmao] Jimmy: 👍? Janis: 👍 Janis: like what you've done with the place Jimmy: it were a bit more 🎄 but some dickhead nicked loads of it Janis: shocking Janis: some people have no shame Jimmy: if you reckon that's bad, you'll never get your head round how some people spend their 🚬 breaks, Judith Jimmy: enough to make you 😳 Janis: The people with holes and ink all over their body have bad habits? 😱 Janis: will not hear of it Jimmy: SO pure 😇 Janis: you had a costume change of 💘? Jimmy: that one's gotta be yours, Tiny Tim, for seeing the good in everyone's 💘 Janis: cheers for not calling me a 🐷 anymore, I guess Jimmy: you're welcome 🐸 Janis: 😏 Janis: don't fancy eating flies though Jimmy: Dunno if I could keep faking 😍 for you and your new diet Janis: it is a big ask Janis: wonder if I can convince the gals it's the new thing though Jimmy: nowt more #goals than a lad who'll pick flies out of his 🦷🦷 for you Jimmy: they'll FINALLY know their 💕 is real Janis: Beautiful, truly Jimmy: I'll pass it on to Bill's 👻 Janis: bit rude that he's not solely focused on our story Jimmy: *I'll 👻🥊 Janis: hot Jimmy: that's the ☕ I'm 🤹 Janis: I couldn't actually work here Jimmy: I couldn't actually have you work here Janis: fight for the tips too real Janis: I get it Jimmy: that'll do for why Janis: go on Jimmy: what? Janis: give me the bulletpoints Jimmy: you're alright 🤓 Janis: tah, babe Jimmy: and I'm alright for not 🖋 you a naughty list Jimmy: which you know were what I meant Janis: you're 🤹 Janis: I know Janis: can't blame me for trying Jimmy: you heard me #notallsantas Jimmy: don't wanna watch you sleep either, tah Janis: I appreciate you saying that Janis: don't sound at all like you're gonna Jimmy: 👀 Janis: thank god the sleepover didn't happen Janis: you and 💀👑 meet over my corpse Jimmy: I'll sort a new one since you're 💔 Janis: with who? Jimmy: I'm just the 💪🏆 Jimmy: up to you, that Janis: 🎅👴😎☕ Janis: party Jimmy: and what, we all chuck our 🔑s in a bowl? Jimmy: or just pass you around Janis: UM Janis: how dare you, we do face masks and watch movies Jimmy: 🥱😴 Janis: 😱😱 BABES Janis: 😭 Jimmy: SOZ Janis: you are SO uninvited from the gangbang now Jimmy: 😭😭😭 Janis: it's me who's a 🍆 down Janis: you're so selfish Jimmy: if you've still got that 🪒 it's easily sorted Janis: bit rapey Janis: 😎☕ is basically an open invitation in this place Jimmy: no need to just castrate me with your 🗨 Jimmy: there's my consent Janis: you aren't bleeding out yet Janis: sorry Jimmy: I'll stop it with the steam wand Janis: ooh Janis: resourceful Jimmy: Oi, don't sound so surprised, dickhead Janis: I didn't expect you to have really considered castration that much, tbh Janis: but yes 💪🧠 Jimmy: never gonna unlock all my kinks with that attitude Janis: 😂 Janis: you're keeping the list 🔒 Jimmy: when you're ready for it, I'll give you the bulletpoints Janis: How am I not ready for it? Jimmy: you're here for a start Jimmy: what are we gonna do get a wet floor sign out and stick a 🧹 through the door handle? Janis: are we going to do that? Jimmy: that on your list? Janis: Well, it is now Jimmy: good, 'cause we ain't gonna have time to do more than the one ✔ before Doris is kicking off for her ☕ or invite Janis: She can wait Janis: I don't want to share you right now Jimmy: [showing up for 😈 antics because his manager ain't here and we don't care what our co-workers think] Janis: [live your best lives guys there is no reason not to] Jimmy: [Pete if you're here ILY and you would do the exact same with your gf so but fuck the rest of y'all truly] Janis: [maybe not exactly the same if you're a little less extra but yes, we aren't interested] Jimmy: [you're a bit older and chiller but you know] Janis: [soz you aren't living a romcom lmao god bless] Jimmy: [JJ out here doing the most and living their dreams from day 1] Janis: [we just skirting around our trauma and trying to live and be young and I love that for you] Jimmy: [literally imagine just having to go back to work like 👋 in a bit as if that didn't just happen I always die thinking about stuff like this] Janis: [lol your life, hence I think you should go back out shopping for a bit girl 'til he's ready to leave] Jimmy: [thank god you're both shameless because even though nobody would've heard anything with the christmas tunes and how busy it is, everyone totally knows] Janis: [y'all aren't subtle, enjoy the #bants and/or disgust from your coworkers Jimothy soz] Jimmy: [making friends everywhere he goes, you're welcome for the fact you're gonna get sacked from here because you're not leaving Dublin in a hot sec like you think you are] Janis: [you're all teens/young adults, y'all be getting messy in all the ways, don't judge lol] Jimmy: [mhmm and we know the kinda hipster peeps who be working there ain't it so shhh] Janis: that girl with the pink hair and neck tat gave me the biggest evils Jimmy: it's just her face Jimmy: 😒 part of our uniform Jimmy: and her hair's rose gold, very festive of her, get it right Janis: roots down to her eyebrows and all Janis: tell your girlfriend she's safe it's #fake Jimmy: oh Ashleeeee Jimmy: I'll tell her to get down the salon Janis: or stick a santa hat on Janis: problem solved if she covers her face with it too Jimmy: she'd probably make a better ☕ blind an' all Janis: you're 🥇 are you? Jimmy: you're asking questions you know the answer to again Janis: I don't drink it, I can't comment Jimmy: it weren't a #humblebrag she's a 🎄 temp, can't do fuck all but 😒 and gone before her roots'll reach her chin Janis: makes sense Janis: least you can blame the 🐄☕ on her Jimmy: except 💀👑 and co's, reckon they'll know that were me, if they ever know Janis: none of them are asking for no 🐄 'cos it makes them shit their brains out Janis: but that extra 1/8 lbs will give it away 😣 😖 😫 😩 🥺 😢 😭 😤 😠 😡 🤬 🤯 Jimmy: if it made 'em 💩 they'd ask for it, hoard the laxatives for another day, I get it Janis: True Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: soz if you find any 💩 in the changing rooms though, mate Jimmy: 🐄☕ well into double figures Janis: that's just any other day for Penney's Janis: but I'll sign your name if you like Jimmy: Tah Janis: gold sharpie Janis: make it festive Jimmy: just like that, going from muse to artist, you Janis: A ⭐ is born Janis: don't ruin it for me when I get my grammy and you're an alcoholic Jimmy: nowt fake about their 💕 Jimmy: if you don't go that hard for me when my missus, Ashlee is front row, you ain't having that oscar Janis: 😏 Janis: only to catch her 😒 on camera Jimmy: bollocks, in it for the 👏👏🌹👏 you Janis: you're just in it to be serenaded so don't @ me mate Jimmy: not denying it Janis: 😍 x1000 Jimmy: owt to give me a break from these fucking 🎄🎵 Janis: reckon the staff here have gone full zombie Janis: 💀 in the 👀 and 🧠 Jimmy: bit rude of you not to leave me for 💀💀💀 back there Jimmy: could be us rotting but you're playing 💔 Janis: Rosie was gonna passive-aggressively ask me to buy something or leave if I didn't Jimmy: taking orders from her'll do nowt for them gay rumours Jimmy: need a #LAD to tell you what to do, duh Jimmy: I'll give you a shout when I find one Janis: Shut up, s'why I left before she could say fuck all Janis: and how are there gonna be any gay rumours when the reason she's pissed off is 'cos she's jealous Jimmy: depends who she's jealous of Janis: if she's gay that's her problem Janis: but she's jealous of me, FYI Janis: take the compliment Jimmy: don't sound like me, that Jimmy: you're the 👏👏🌹👏 chaser Janis: 1. rude 2. bollocks Jimmy: 1. ain't much of a compliment if she fancies me 2. I'll have you know my head's genetically this big Janis: you know what you look like and you're well 😏 about it Janis: not saying you're wrong Jimmy: I know what she looks like an' all Janis: not like she's the only one 😍 is it Jimmy: my inbox is as full as yours Janis: yeah Jimmy: so you've got nowt to be jealous of Janis: I'm not jealous Jimmy: what then? Janis: I'm just saying she is Janis: fuck sake big head, don't get it twisted Jimmy: don't get a mard on Janis: I'm not, idiot Jimmy: 👌 Janis: Are you? Jimmy: ? Janis: in a mood? Jimmy: why would I be? Janis: I don't know Janis: why would I be, like Jimmy: 😒 ain't in your job description Janis: I'm not Janis: I only left so you could actually get some work done Janis: that's all Jimmy: alright Janis: don't actually care what your coworkers reckon but you do have to work with them Janis: least for a while longer Jimmy: I'll live Janis: it's about making shit easier Janis: not harder, yeah Jimmy: you did Jimmy: not saying I'm 😁👍 or nowt but Janis: not even a little? Janis: shit review, that Jimmy: you can have one of the dead eyed ones 😀 or 😃 Janis: I'd rather 😒 Jimmy: [a 😒 selfie like there you go ILY] Janis: tah Jimmy: I rate you, you know I do Janis: shh Jimmy: not gonna sing it but Janis: if we've got to be a romcom Janis: not being one with a musical number Jimmy: won't argue 🤐 Jimmy: #notallnortherners 🎭🩰🎤 Janis: you're warning me how embarrassing you're gonna be at this party Janis: I get it Jimmy: can't say you ain't been now Jimmy: #notalldaddys an' all Jimmy: dickhead dad if I'm owt Janis: however goals that may be Janis: I'd sooner grate my face off Jimmy: you always know EXACTLY what to say Jimmy: really fulfil my nursing kink, that will Janis: how great would you look if you stayed with me Janis: my only positive, gone Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: be even more mysterious to make up for losing how fit you are Janis: 😶😶😶 Janis: what is she thinking Jimmy: 🤯🤯🤯 Janis: do you if you like Janis: #muteandcute Jimmy: the couple who self harms together are obvs gonna stay together Janis: 💀💀 means forever 😃😃 Jimmy: long as it don't backfire when everyone reckons I've been cracking onto Asia's dad 💋 Janis: reunite 'em for the holidays Janis: ✨💕 Jimmy: you're really earning that 😇 costume for tonight Janis: you'll still steal the show, babe Jimmy: you ARE the show, babe 👀🍿🔪 Jimmy: Ashleeeeeee's got nowt on 💀👑 Jimmy: or my long lens Janis: 😂 Janis: dope Jimmy: promise not to do you like princess di, know you'd hate everyone going on about you for that long Janis: what good is 👏👏🌹👏 if I can't 👂 Janis: obvs Jimmy: 👻 perks Jimmy: get to be a right nosy dickhead forever Janis: suits you Janis: no 🧛 perks except the taste Jimmy: 🦷🦷 suit you Jimmy: what about 💪🏆🏃🥇? Janis: that's just me Jimmy: SUCH an athlete Jimmy: I've heard Janis: I'll show you if you ever stop fussing and nursing Jimmy: BUT 🥺 Janis: I know Janis: but I need a redemption arc Jimmy: nowt wrong with 😈 Janis: falling on my arse though Janis: 👎 Jimmy: 👍 for me Jimmy: but I get it, you wanna impress me Janis: if I wanted to impress you, I just would Janis: it's easy Jimmy: 🗨 is Janis: you'll 👀 Jimmy: *📷 Janis: if you can catch me Jimmy: challenge accepted Janis: 💪 Jimmy: tah very much, compliment accepted an' all Janis: when you out? Jimmy: [a time which I hope isn't forever away because work sucks enough without your co-workers gossiping about your love life] Janis: 👍 Janis: might compliment you then Jimmy: you find a party? Janis: [a selection of, 'cos these teens are extra] Jimmy: we gonna #bless the one or do a tour? Janis: a tour is actually a good idea Janis: fuck it up Janis: go before it's really shit Jimmy: there you go again sounding 😱😱 that I've had a 🥇💡 Janis: like I'm meant to reckon every 💭 you have is golden Jimmy: glad we're on the same 📖 FINALLY Janis: 🙄 Janis: I'm on a whole new book, babes Jimmy: alright, give us a chance Jimmy: basically illiterate Janis: awh Janis: keep practising on those coffee cups hun Jimmy: good job I nicked our kid's 🖍 Janis: long as it weren't a swap Jimmy: @ nspcc Janis: you're alright Janis: this country is infamous for not giving a shit about kids Jimmy: that'll be why Ian brought us here Janis: if he tries to give you to some nuns, run Jimmy: into their arms #kinkunlocked Janis: sure that's another costume Janis: want an outfit change? Jimmy: not very festive though, is it? Jimmy: if I were the baby Jesus, that's one thing, but his groupies Janis: well you can't go as baby Jesus Janis: that's obscene Janis: and where am I getting a loincloth as this hour, thank you Jimmy: such a letdown, you Jimmy: seen you piss about and craft a 🐑 for fuck's sake, it's ALMOST like you DON'T WANT to make this happen for me Janis: it's almost like you're a complete exhibitionist Jimmy: Lucas would support me, knew I should've picked him Janis: no one's stopping you Jimmy: UGH and now you're not even gonna fight for me 😭😭 Janis: you'll come crawling back when he's trying to pick up more 12 year olds again Jimmy: less of a rom com more of a crimewatch reconstruction Janis: you, the clueless wife who had NO idea Janis: sure, Sharon Janis: turning a blind eye so you didn't have to fuck him Jimmy: chuffed he's pissing off out so I can watch telly without his loud breathing doing my head in Janis: You're an Emmerdale fan, definitely Janis: neighbours and home and away in the afternoons Jimmy: Doctors is my top pic though obvs Janis: your only friends are the characters in your stories Janis: sad, honestly Jimmy: Oi don't forget the 🐩 I'm starting to look like Jimmy: it hates me, obvs, so I get why you didn't 💭 Janis: it doesn't want you to baby it but it's all you wanted it for Jimmy: he won't put a 👶 in me and that's 💔 but OMG it's just like one of my fave plots #conflicted Janis: Sharon, you're barren Janis: you need to come to terms with it Jimmy: DUN DUN DUN Jimmy: but it's me doing my own piss poor drum roll Janis: 😂 meanwhile, casual serial killer b plot with your mans Jimmy: Sharon, you're having a mental breakdown Jimmy: this is a REAL doctor's office Janis: not you trying to seduce your fave doctor and it's actually your GP and he's gonna call the psych ward Jimmy: 🚨🚨🚨 Jimmy: your man is gonna pin his crimes on you, hun Janis: omg Janis: when the truth outs, you're gonna be fully gone Janis: maybe in a cheeky coma Jimmy: bit of amnesia so I reckon I did do it an' all Janis: oh god Janis: so like a woman Janis: just lethal inject me 'cos I'm a monster who can't even have kids Jimmy: Oh Sharon Janis: Lucas will keep getting away with it for 4 more seasons Janis: then your ghost will pop up and it'll all get sorted in an ep Jimmy: I'll work with the 👻s of his victims, grab a spin off out of it Janis: full circle, you watching your show from your armchair in your dark, depressing lounge Jimmy: 🎨 Janis: welcome for the A on your next art project Jimmy: IOU Janis: not bothered about credit Jimmy: alright, what do you want? Janis: 🤔 Jimmy: go on Janis: I need to think of an idea right now? Jimmy: 🚫⏲ Jimmy: just no need to hold back if you've already got one Janis: I'll take my time Janis: no point saying something now, thinking of something I want more later Jimmy: won't have you 🖋🩸 it's alright Jimmy: if you change your mind, just tell me that Janis: you're bad at business Jimmy: that'll be why I ain't the manager Janis: 💔 babe Janis: the free time you'd have 🤯🤯 Jimmy: could train my own 🐕 Janis: hey now Janis: that's my 💰 Jimmy: real 💔 Janis: in it for the 👏👏🌹👏💰💰 Jimmy: I got that Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: hush Janis: got outfits to buy and christmas tunes to hear for the 42nd time today Jimmy: I won't serenade you then Janis: if you can get a christmas 🥇 then I will 👰💍🤵 for the royalties Jimmy: alright, piss off I need to crack on with that and you've got a 👰💍🤵 to plan Janis: 👋😘 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: [party time] Jimmy: [obvs we just want them to have a nice time but have you got anything specific in mind?] Janis: [hmm, obvs the main party is tomorrow, so we can be more chill, but we can also make drama if we want 'cos yolo] Jimmy: [I was thinking at one of the parties they hit they should see Mia cheating again cos Pablo is on the outs and also she just would anyway] Jimmy: [but that could be today or tomorrow like] Janis: [we should do today 'cos you ain't the focus tomorrow remotely hun, and it's just fun] Jimmy: [agreed, the focus tomorrow is being festive af as always, as much fluff as I can clutch with my grabby hands] Janis: [so if anything, get drama that isn't them, aka flat whites etc out tonight] Jimmy: [love it because Mia would think she was being so sneaky but we see you hen] Janis: [merry christmas beech] Jimmy: [gather that blackmail lads, you'll want it when she gets him sacked by being a Karen] Janis: [yep thanks for not before xmas at least] Jimmy: [I'm sure she's wishing she could rn] Janis: [too bad you walked out in disgust lmao it got so much worse] Jimmy: [sucks to suck gals] Janis: [what drama can we do with y'all hmm] Jimmy: [unrelated but can we say they're drunk in love enough that he stays at mcvickers because Ian sucks and we don't need that in our lives] Janis: [yes, just know the Libi is gonna come in in the AM to wake you up and out you lol] Jimmy: [ngl LOVE that even if you two won't] Janis: [in my mind if she ain't snuck in Janis' bed before she's even home, she comes in well early as kids do so LOL] Jimmy: [he's used to that with Bobby cos that boy is always sleeping with him we know] Janis: [and I alluded to it in a previous convo so go us, anyway, yes, that can totally happen, it wouldn't be far if he had to run so makes sense] Jimmy: [it's beyond obvious that you both never wanna leave each other so] Janis: [let's not lie to ourselves lads except lowkey we do lol] Jimmy: [tbf this is the first time you've had a chance to get drunk together since fake dating started cos we didn't have enough booze on the school trip and unlike the flatwhites you aren't lightweights who got drunk during that friendmas game sesh] Janis: [hohohohohoh the potential] Jimmy: [evil laugh x 3 because Winnie is too] Janis: [let's hit up this first shit party, idk if she genuinely got you a costume to put on or what, Imma say yeah but idk if I have anything particularly festive for you so I'll have to look] Jimmy: [I hope she did, what's more festive than crossdressing] Janis: [get it boy, you'll look hot and no one can deny] Jimmy: [she should be an angel like in Hazel's book even if we can't document the lewk] Janis: [I'm sure I'll be able to find that content somehow] Jimmy: [I'm not even gonna try because I know I won't, Ezra Miller and Harry Styles can only do so much and I don't think they've been festive lol] Janis: [yeah, I'm trying to think of like a movie or something where it was a thing hmm] Janis: [oh, the try guys do it, maybe eugene?] Jimmy: [body shots have to happen at one of these shit parties because #mood] Janis: [very easily done with your lewks lol] Jimmy: [that's what I was thinking, just think of all the love bites there would actually be too though what a statement] Janis: [turns up to your function in no clothes, excuse me, y'all are already on one today, there will be no chill we know it] Jimmy: [tipsy before we get there as well tah Ian] Janis: [thank you for nothing but that dickhead] Jimmy: [and actually being there for once so he can stay at mcvickers and be a carefree teen] Janis: [I mean yes but you are those kids dad not jimothy so I will not applaud you] Jimmy: [doing the least and we hate you so much] Janis: [I think Mia should be at the first party and we can catch her whilst we're still a bit sober lol] Jimmy: [yeah definitely one of the earlier ones, it makes sense for that reason and because the parties would obvs start out more basic and get wilder as the night goes on cos most people aren't throwing a rager on christmas eve eve] Janis: [yeah, and if she's at some party that's trying to be sophisticated and lowkey and then they show up 1. LOL 2. she would be caught unawares] Jimmy: [ooh what if she's just gone out with Ella and not the others so it's double tea because that's not in the friendmas spirit] Janis: [I really imagined a date and I was like lovely haha, but totally a vibe, pretending they're busy if the other gals are at another party or whatever] Jimmy: [I might fuck around and give Jimothy an injury of some sort for christmas cos tis the season and Ian is 100% that bitch] Janis: [yeah, he is, a vibe, but not, so rude] Jimmy: [it's gonna have to be christmas eve or day cos they are going to Skerries for boxing day so note to self] Janis: [what if what if that's why she goes to see him xmas day, ultimate rudeness Ian] Jimmy: [yeah because we did say they must] Janis: [dunno where you're huffing off to ian but uninterested, we must] Jimmy: [and then it makes even more sense why they go to Skerries/don't try very hard to come back when they get snowed in, not desperate to spend time with you sir ] Janis: [it all makes sense, also remember the ice bath we can make you a snow pack] Jimmy: [so yeah after whatever they're doing christmas eve, remind me he's gotta go home alone so that can kick off] Jimmy: [also if people have been stupid enough to leave presents under their trees they should steal some] Janis: [noteddd, that's so grinchy and why you don't have xmas parties but with friends people, you deserve it lol, also if we wanna do some messaging, they could lose Mia and have to split up to find her rn, could be amusing] Jimmy: [not all the gifts thank you lads but at least one from every party that it's an option as a memento, ooh good idea boo] Janis: report back, scooby Janis: I'm in the bogs, no sign 😱 Jimmy: leave your 🐕 fetish out of it and concentrate Jimmy: she ain't outside ⛄ Janis: alright, you wanna be daphne Janis: full bimbo now Jimmy: piss off do I wanna be a ginger Jimmy: have a word with yourself Janis: omg VELMA 🤓 Jimmy: how am I not Fred dressed like this? Janis: he was so fashionable Janis: I wanna be Fred though so fuck you Jimmy: UGH fine Jimmy: I know you're 🤓 and I'm him but crack on lying to yourself Janis: that's rude Janis: don't make me your #2 Jimmy: if the glasses fit, girl Janis: 😡 Janis: i'm going kitchen Janis: it's a long shot but i'm getting drink for me and none for you Jimmy: smash some glasses and plates, you'll calm down Jimmy: or you know, make me a 🥪 Janis: knuckle sandwich Jimmy: 😍😍 Janis: so distracting Jimmy: you Janis: nah Janis: we're on a mission focus your 😍😍 Jimmy: [sending her pics of #bants things like I've found her, oh no wait] Janis: [have a lil game, nerds] Jimmy: [obvs you're gonna have to find her eventually I doubt there's that many places she could be so be silly while you can] Janis: Jim I've found her Janis: omg Janis: come here Jimmy: [does even though he's expecting a pisstake] Janis: [hopefully this house isn't that big because you did not tell him anything there lmao, also be quiet or she'll see and you'll ruin it] Jimmy: [she said she was heading to the kitchen so likewise and we'll cross paths lol] Jimmy: 😱😱😱 Janis: [you're so conspicuous rn god bless, but keep an eye on her best you can until you can get dirt] Janis: be 😎 nerd Jimmy: keep your head down 🦒 Janis: i'd say make me but you'll just be 😍😍 Jimmy: [a LOOK that's meant to be pisstakey like what am I like but it's just shamelessly a LOOK lol] Janis: [you know when bitches always kiss in movies when they need to hide, doing that, as if there is a need okay] Jimmy: [love that for you] Janis: [oh the tropes, at least you won't seem arsed by Mia remotely so she'll let her guard down lol] Jimmy: [we're just a lad getting covered in silver, you can relax Mia] Jimmy: [will style that into a 🎅 beard because he's an art hoe] Janis: [what a lewk you two can share] Jimmy: [doing a semi decent job of lip reading Mia even though he's not deaf and whispering to her what he's worked out, doesn't technically need to whisper but the excuse is we're being inconspicuous] Janis: [doing the most to pretend he's being scandalous in ya ear but we listening for real obvs and making our 😳🤤 responses make sense 'do you think there's a free room going?' like do you reckon we'll catch her at it, again] Jimmy: [telling her about all the places he found that you could fuck when he was searching for her, which is lowkey suggestive af boy especially because Mia isn't as shameless as you pair and wouldn't hook up in some of these places] Janis: [telling him which you wanna do first but it's actually where you reckon she might if she's gonna] Jimmy: [agreeing because you agree that it's likely and you're on the same page here] Janis: 🕡 Jimmy: *⏲ Janis: same diff Janis: can't lose 👀 on her Janis: what do we do to kill time without being too distracted Jimmy: 🍻? Janis: [goes to get drink like okay] Jimmy: [is 👀ing you Mia] Janis: gonna suggest this to the gals next time I see em Jimmy: they already follow her about Janis: clealy ain't as good at it as us Janis: but no Janis: the face paint Janis: if you kissed anyone else i'd know instantly Jimmy: bit rude to call me a slag for how I'm dressed but Janis: is it though Jimmy: I just happen to be a slag, alright? Jimmy: nowt to do with any of this Jimmy: [gestures to the lewk] Janis: [looks at him for ages like we forgot what we're doing] Janis: alright Jimmy: are you? Jimmy: [😏 af] Janis: [🖕 which can at least look bantsy to the fans] Jimmy: [a lol soz if that's not inconspicuous hun but the bae is funny] Janis: [bring him a drink back, after taking a massive swig from his like ha ha] Jimmy: [taking pics of her because an angel being 😈] Jimmy: [likewise have forgotten what we're supposed to be doing here for a sec] Janis: [casual photoshoot, be a shame to waste your outfits] Jimmy: [Mia's got no game lbr, you've got time] Janis: [god knows the state of this lad by the time she's ready lol] Jimmy: [another good reason it's an earlier party don't be having a Buster and Chloe rapey situation Mia] Janis: [at least you truly would be as gone, that's the vibe not that] Jimmy: [if your father could see you now hun] Janis: [#disappointeddaddy] Jimmy: [I wish they could call him like come get your daughter but we need this hook up to happen first] Janis: [they should genuinely then bounce though lmao she would actually be so fuming] Jimmy: [don't do it yourself though Jimothy the accent is a dead giveaway, get the bae on it] Janis: [seriously, do some voice work hen, at least a party helps that he'll barely be able to hear, use the house phone] Jimmy: [merry christmas bitch, enjoy the trouble you'll be in] Janis: [hohaha, ANYWAYS, we know you can't stop looking at him gal, how you manage this at all is lowkey impressive lol] Jimmy: [when you get to the second party/on the way there haha you can be as extra as you want, that mission is done and dusted] Janis: [we're so buzzing with ourselves at the prospect of ruining her xmas, practically skip there lmao] Jimmy: [don't you twist you ankle boy as hilarious as that would be] Janis: [we can't have more injuries, and you'd make a right mess of yourself if you fell, it's freezing and you've got no clothes on lol] Jimmy: [yeah that's not festive or goals so be careful please] Janis: [what do we wanna do at this next party then] Jimmy: [just have a nice time tbh lads] Janis: [just partay] Jimmy: [do them body shots and other drinking games cos we're having a messy one and we're competitive af] Janis: [get crunkalunk honey, we can skip to when he's left in the AM now if we wanna] Janis: [after Libi has come in and is like WHERE'S BOBBY as if they also have him tucked up in the bed] Jimmy: [unless there's anything that gets said or done when they're drunk af that we need to know, we know the vibes] Jimmy: [Oh Libi I love you so much but they should facetime him on Cass' phone cos she'll be THRILLED cos you know he's sleeping there and nobody sleeps in that house except Ian] Janis: [ooh, good point actually, we'll do that] Janis: [but yes, poor Jimothy like come sign bitch we gotta talk about santa] Jimmy: [god bless, when you just wanna sleep and snuggle your bae but you got so many jobs] Janis: [being like YOU GOT YOUR COOKIES YOU GOT YOUR MILK AND CARROTS like a checklist 'cos I remember how exciting xmas eve was you were lowkey hysterical all day] Jimmy: [plotting how you're gonna stay awake and peep Santa with those gifts] Janis: [just looking at Jimmy like you ain't gonna get no sleep lol] Jimmy: [mouthing at her to kill you away from the lip reading expert's gaze cos you can't do a dramatic death scene rn the kids are chatting a mile a minute] Janis: [pew pew at his head, also mcvickers gonna be fuming lad] Jimmy: [at least you can leave without having to see them cos that staircase] Janis: [chase you away lmao] Jimmy: [hold in the wee that you clearly will need, your house isn't far] Janis: [run boy run, but we'll throw it back to the end of your partying now] Jimmy: [we should start it as a 🚬 break because that's always good for feels and closeness when it's cold and you're half naked even if we're drunk enough not to feel it] Janis: [just drunkenly telling him about crayon colours we looked up lol] Jimmy: [guessing the colours based on their weird names unless it's obvs and then we're just pisstaking] Janis: [there's some wild ones hun, we're probably making up loads too] Jimmy: [likewise but writing them on her so she has to try and work it out when we could just say it] Janis: [we know where this is devolving and fast, wherever you are not being suitable so you're like hmpf] Jimmy: [on some random person's garden furniture that they should've brought in for the winter but have not] Janis: [you're both gonna start shivering before long so walk in the direction of the houses tah] Jimmy: [handholding and doing the little swinging thing because you've been spending all this time with the bubs] Janis: [loling at him] Jimmy: [playfully nudge her like excuse you but don't push her over because of that drunk and slippy combo please] Janis: ['you're such a nerd, you know'] Jimmy: ['Piss off' but the tone is less fuck off and more yeah I know but so are you] Janis: ['fine' and goes to walk off but likewise is joking so doesn't really] Jimmy: [nevertheless pulling her back and close into you as if she's really going because don't] Janis: ['you want me to stay?' even though you know 'cos how close you are rn] Jimmy: ['don't you want to?' even though she clearly do] Janis: [thinking he's making a point about asking stupid questions like 😏 fine] Jimmy: [just softly touching that 😏 face looking at her like no tell me you want to because we're drunk enough to have been genuinely asking and wanting an answer] Janis: ['I just want you to tell me' shrugs 'no confusion'] Jimmy: ['I just want you' because true] Janis: ['go on then' like it's a challenge but you say it so soft so like it's not] Jimmy: [the most intense kiss ever not even because it's a challenge but because the emotions are just that high okay] Janis: [no time to even talk just taking him by the hand back to yours aka mcvickers not all that way lol] Jimmy: [for a million reasons I hope whatever house you were at isn't far from there but the main one being all the kissing pauses there will be along the way regardless because that's the mood we're in] Janis: [we ain't even gon make it home energy] Jimmy: [100% support that always] Janis: [but you do, and frankly, I don't condone ladder climbing in this state so like be quiet and go in the real way] Jimmy: [that'll be a #mood in itself so] Janis: [getting him out of that santa outfit folornly like you are devvo lol] Jimmy: [gal if you're doing a pouty lip in any way you know what's gonna happen] Janis: [but of course 'why don't you care what people think?' once you can get words out again] Jimmy: ['I care what you think' because we're drunk so we can answer a question and answer it honestly] Janis: ['really?' and a confusion face] Jimmy: [😍 af about her cute expression so we lowkey forget about the question] Janis: [nudge] Jimmy: [a look like ?] Janis: ['why do you care?'] Jimmy: ['about you?' when you were only talking about what she thinks but we're drunk and we've gone deeper with it] Janis: [nods like sure, as you brought it up] Jimmy: ['it's less shit being here 'cause of you, if nowt else you should have the same back off me'] Janis: [when you can't help smile at that 'I don't want you to leave Dublin'] Jimmy: ['I'll stay' like it's that simple remotely but it is when you're drunk af] Janis: ['but you hate it here' and a look like same, obvs] Jimmy: ['I hate it everywhere' because again true] Janis: ['me too' not even trying to be banty like literally yeah same] Jimmy: [a little snugg because we don't want the bae to be sad] Janis: [snugging and sighing 'this is so weird'] Jimmy: [an even bigger sigh because it is and you don't want it to be and just saying sorry in the quietest softest voice like did you even actually say that or no] Janis: [at least it's that quiet 'cos you're meant to be that you would hear and you're shaking your head like no no 'not now, specifically or...it's not your fault, you know' 'cos you mean this whole situation for you 'cos you've never and you're like how did this happen so fast and when did we get here] Jimmy: [a shrug because he thinks everything is his fault always thanks Ian so it's like I don't know/believe that actually but we also don't think the bae is full of shit like we think a lot of people are so it's a confusing and conflicting tangle of thoughts up in here as well cos likewise has also never felt like this or expected any of this when he suggested it lol] Janis: ['I mean it' and properly looking at him but not really driving the point home harder than that right now/yet 'it's okay though, isn't it?'] Jimmy: [a nod that encompasses all the things 'are you?' cos if she's okay that's all that matters bye] Janis: ['is it a dealbreaker?' trying to make light of the fact it's like not really no] Jimmy: ['only if you're breaking our deal' like it's not okay if you don't wanna do this anymore even though it's a headfuck because ILY and I will die] Janis: ['I don't want to'] Jimmy: ['what do you want?' as if we don't know sir] Janis: [poke him in the chest] Jimmy: [just resting his hand over hers like okay I accept that and will turn it into a soft gesture] Janis: [when that lowkey says so much about the dynamic and we can't handle it 'let's just-' and kissing him] Jimmy: [kissing will always be easier so I'll allow it kids] Janis: [do that and more 'til you pass out probably 'cos honestly] Jimmy: [gonna let you say her name during at least once if you want boy because we're both not remembering this and we know it'll hit different sober anyway] Janis: [andioop soz you're trashed huns] Jimmy: [but not because it gives us freedom to do things y'all ain't ready for yet] Jimmy: [but soz that Libi will be waking you up early af]

[sweet-star-cookie]

Ideas for a Rewrite of Pixar’s Onward

So I finally watched Onward, unfortunately not in theatres because of [REDACTED] but what can you do? Gotta be honest, it didn’t wow me. :/ The world seemed flat and boring, and a lot of the tropes and story beats felt really played out and done before, even within other Pixar movies. That said, fantasy themed worlds and the potential creativity therein is a topic that is super close to my heart, and even when the trailer dropped for this movie I wasn’t super impressed with what it had to offer. From the setup of the plot itself, I’ll admit that I was skeptical of it from the outset, perhaps a bit more than usual.

I have my issues with the world building of this film from a visual design standpoint as well, but I’ll save that for another time. For now I want to discuss how I would approach rewriting this film to make it an overall stronger product in terms of story and character development. Obviously there will be spoilers for the actual plot of the movie in addition to my thoughts, so fair warning there.

Okay so when it comes to building a new world for your characters, regardless of its themes or genre, it is important to establish how much of that world pertains to the story you want to tell. As in, are you telling a story about the world itself via your characters, or are you telling a story about the characters with this world as a backdrop? It might seem like a small distinction, but a world’s rules (or lack thereof) can easily divert an audience’s focus within a story. I believe the current version of Onward is an example of the latter, but with a few complications of the former that muddles the direction of the plot a bit. The sense of scope for this film seems to go half-and-half instead, but we’ll get to that later. At the beginning of the movie, we are told about how the world of Onward followed more closely with what we would call a fantasy world; wizards, mythical creatures, knights, a magical staff, the works. But in a pretty rapid-fire scene, we are shown how modern technologies began to usurp the use of magic, thus leading to the modern day fantasy world that is the setting for the rest of the film. Despite how quickly this plays out as a sort of prologue for the movie, I do believe this is a fine set up for a movie like this...

If the movie was about the world.

But as we know, it’s about Ian and Barley’s quest to bring their father back, and almost exclusively focuses on their family. This too is a perfectly good setup, but the movie somehow ends up with both, and it leads to a lot more questions than answers as a result. The prologue setup generates a lot of questions about the world itself, such as the use and discovery of magic, that do have an effect later on in the story, but the implementation of magic itself does not have clearly defined rules about who can use it and why. Modern day law enforcement seems to govern this world, yet any use of magic does not seem to have any bearing on that. Magic clearly still exists in this world, but the audience does not know when or how it appears. Where does magic come from? What is the scarcity of it? Can you get arrested for using magic? Do people who use or own magical items get special treatment? Are magical items more valuable and therefore need to be regulated? How common are they? All creatures in this world appear to be inherently magical, or at least possess abilities from their magic-based ancestors, but seem to have “forgotten” those abilities over time. Both the pixies and the manticore have wings, but it seems that only the pixies need magic to use them. Why? Historical landmarks like the one Barley tries to protect in the film are viewed as passive history, no longer holding much significance. And even the manticore’s map is reduced to a placemat at a children’s restaurant, so the preservation of this history does not appear to be a priority for this society. Moreover, these questions also directly correlate to the main protagonists, namely, why can Ian wield magic and Barley cannot? If Wilden (the dad) could or used to wield magic, could Laurel (the mom) do it too? Are their different kinds of magic? Is there a hierarchy to how powerful one’s magic can be? Ian becomes better at using his father’s staff over time in the film, but how he is able to do so via the staff or Barley’s instruction is pretty unclear. Now, all of these are questions are actually ones that wouldn’t need to be answered necessarily, but only if the film reeled itself in a bit and its scope was a lot clearer. Many other fantasy or alternate world stories have a much smaller scope that doesn’t need to ask these questions of the audience when it doesn’t pertain to the story they’re telling. An excess of world building does not matter if it has no bearing on the current story being told. A good example is in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, where the establishment of toons existing in the real world is the entire crux of the story, but how toons became a part of the real world is not explained, and doesn’t need to be for the direction of the plot and characters. You are introduced to the world with only the information you need, and you are taken through the story with that specific set of information. The progression of the plot does not rely on answering the question of why toons exist in this world, so it does not address it. Onward could have achieved this too, if the film didn’t explicitly ask these unanswered questions within its own plot. If the film focused solely on the Lightfoot family without the prologue, all of these questions about the world wouldn’t need to be answered. This is not a “magic was usurped by technology” story. This is a “how do I get my Dad back?” story. Which honestly begs the question:

Why does this have a fantasy setting?

With how much this film goes half-and-half on the relevance of the world to its characters, the more it seems like a coat of fantasy paint slapped on top of a story that could be told with real humans, or any other kind of creature for that matter. The fact that these characters are elves, pixies, trolls, etc. is inconsequential to the storytelling. Magic aside, if you replaced all of the fantasy races and locations with real-life equivalents, what would change about the story or its progression? In fact, if you removed the idea of magic entirely and replaced it with a series of non-magical challenges that Ian faces on his quest, you would have the same movie, just without the fantasy filter. All of the locations in the movie are not inherently fantastical, the school, the gas station, the tavern, even the vehicles and animals in the film, all have really obvious real-world equivalents, which diminishes the fantasy theme even further. Nothing separates them from these parallels. Even the main magic system is an equivalent to DnD and other tabletop roleplaying games in this world, and isn’t viewed as anything more despite becoming a prominent source of power for the protagonists. Again, having the world take a backseat to the characters is not inherently a bad thing, but if you’re going to take the time to establish how this world began and changed over time, then that has to be relevant to the story at hand in some way, otherwise you’re just establishing something that ultimately doesn’t go anywhere. So how would I fix this? Well, at this point I feel like you’d have to pick one of the two halves that this story tries to weave together: either open up the world and the relevance of magic within it, or focus exclusively on the Lightfoot family and their relationships. If it were me, I’d pick the latter, because to me the best parts of the film were the parts that focused on the family, especially the relationship between Ian and Barley. The world of Onward really isn’t that interesting as it stands, so putting more focus on that without a complete overhaul probably isn’t a good idea.

To start, I would keep the part about Ian wanting to learn more about his Dad, as well as Barley’s memories and misgivings about not saying goodbye to him. This, like most Pixar movies, is the strongest part and serves as the emotional core of the film. Both of them have their individual reasons for wanting to see their father again, and those motivations can move and change over the course of the narrative. But, have Ian tie his own identity to finding his father, as if his father is the one person who can tell him who he needs to be. A missing piece of him that only his father can fill, and this desire becomes more and more desperate as the film progresses and they run closer to that 24 hour time frame. Those earlier scenes about others who knew and admired his father could help corroborate these feelings, where Ian wishes to carry on the legacy of his father. Perhaps Barley could have similar feelings, as if being called a “screw up” throughout his life made him question the legacy of his father and his relationship with him. A “I don’t know who I am + believe in yourself” message has been done to death, but the execution could still make the ending of this film that much stronger. When the climax happens and Ian is unable to see his father before the sunset, THAT is when you want him to have the Act 3 Pixar realization about the overall message of the film, and how he had a father figure through Barley the whole time. Maybe there’s a point where Barley is hanging onto Ian in the rubble and time is running out, and he tells Barley to go see their father while he still has the chance. Have the internal realization be that Ian doesn’t need to see his father to know who he is anymore, as the journey he went on throughout the movie already gave him that answer, thus allowing him to let go and let Barley get his closure instead. Some of these points do exist in the current version of the film, but I feel that this slight reframe could strengthen it enough so that it is a common theme throughout the movie.

The subplot with the mother and Officer Colt is a strange one, further complicated by the inclusion of Corey the manticore as a secondary character, but I think it could have rounded out the story even more with a bit of work. If there really needed to be a stepparent role for this movie, I feel like Corey could have filled that role while also providing the map for Ian and Barley’s quest (I know getting a Disney Gay is like pulling teeth at this point but hear me out). There is a fairly decent amount of time spent in the movie regarding Laurel’s role in protecting her sons, especially when she recruits Corey into finding them. And with the scene at the tavern, Corey already has a decent idea of what the boys are like, which could make for good chances to bond with Laurel. There’s a good line in the movie that I feel really goes under-utilized, where Corey describes the boys’s assertiveness at the tavern. Laurel assumes she’s talking about Barley, but she’s really talking about Ian, and this surprises her. This is a really good way of showing that another’s perception of one’s character is not the whole picture. With the climax reframed to better focus on Ian’s sense of identity, this could have been an excellent line as a lead up to that climax, and for thematic coherence overall. Ian struggles with his identity while relying on others to make it for him, and that extends to his own mother’s perception of him, which changes as the story progresses. Despite that, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of conflict between Laurel and her sons, even when discussing their late father. They’re sad, yes, but ultimately they’re dealing with it okay. They love each other, and despite their differences they have a good sense of solidarity. There doesn’t have to be conflict in that way in every story like this, but her quest to rescue them could have been a good way to bridge that, bringing in a one-two punch of parental resolution at the end. 

With this you could cut Officer Colt’s character entirely, in fact I don’t know why both him and Corey are in the film when they seem to fight for the same purpose in the story. His inclusion doesn’t seem to create a rift in any of their relationships outside of mild disdain when he’s first introduced. I genuinely did not know that Colt was officially in the Lightfoot family until the word “stepdad” was used over halfway through the movie. Otherwise I just assumed he was someone who was involved with the family via arresting Barley and had at least a mild romantic interest in his mother. And given the relevance of Wilden and the strength of their prior relationship, that doesn’t paint him in a very positive light at the start. But if you really wanted to keep him, there needed to be a scene that truly solidified that he cared for Ian and Barley. There is very little to suggest what kind of relationship the brothers have with him, other than Colt’s disapproval of Barley’s delinquency, but by the end of the film they’re suddenly on good terms, as if some resolution was made. He doesn’t seem to do much more other than pursue them like a cop would a criminal, and even when Laurel is worried for them, his search still seems to be nothing more than a part of his job, like it was at the start. 

Perhaps he could save them from something while they’re on the quest, like when Barley sacrifices his van to make the rocks fall. Maybe it goes wrong and the rocks falling still puts the brothers in danger, forcing Colt to abandon the other officers to save them. The brothers may be surprised at this, but it would have come from a genuine desire to protect them on Colt’s part. If you really wanted to establish even a bit of a connection with the brothers, he could’ve accompanied them on part of the quest, doing things that only he could do to help them, and perhaps having a chance to hash out their relationship with him along the way. I realize that Colt having difficulties connecting with the brothers is a common stepdad trope, but if he was to have any relevance at all, he needed a reason to be there. Ironically, Corey ends up having more interactions with the boys at the tavern than Colt does for the entire film. Overall I feel like there was a lot of missed potential with Onward, and while the emotional core was there like it always is in Pixar movies, I feel like it got skewed a bit along the way, thus diminishing the final emotional punch at the end. There are some genuinely great parts of this movie, especially Ian’s final character resolution with Barley, but the whole is not greater than the sum of those parts, and that saddens me greatly. I’m not sure how much of this was Disney mandated versus Pixar implemented, but I hope they can get their groove back eventually.

#onward #onward spoilers #i know the movie has been out for a while but still #thoughts #long post

[occultdigest]

Can you tell us a little bit about the characters we’ve met so far in your comic? Big fan so far!

Ah I’m glad you’re a fan! 

I’ve talked about these folk for years before the comic, but to summarize new info for old followers (and some basic stuff for the new ones) here’s some info on the folks we’ve met in the comic so far!

Trond Oftebro is a 21 year old “professional roadtripper” who’s spent the past three years touring America in his tiny RV! He loves fantasy roleplaying and cheesy old giant monster movies and vomits when panicked or stressed. He’s a very friendly and understanding guy who likes to make friends and go out doing fun stuff! Trond wants to write his own fantasy novels but doubts his writing abilities

Farrah Gerschwitz is a 33 year old former rocker who currently works as a forest ranger in Itlwillie County, Oregon. When she isn’t at work, Farrah listens to loud music, binges bad horror films, and can shotgun beer like a champ. She tends to be a huge jerk and it takes people who have similar experiences as her for her to really warm up to someone. While seen as a burnout or bum by people who don’t always know her well, Farrah’s an incredibly dedicated worker and is skilled at quite a lot, she just doesn’t always like taking effort to be good

Maggie Stillwater is a 20 year old community college grad who works alongside Farrah as a Forest Ranger and also works as a HAM/trucker radio hobbyist. Very outgoing and gregarious, Maggie inherited her parents’ “popular townsfolk” attitude, but she’s very dedicated to friends. While she lives on her own, she has a younger sister staying with grandparents  with whom she’s close to. Maggie enjoys lots of sporty activities as well as running some radio work for the ranger station

Ramos Sepulveda is a 50-something former Marine turned Forest Ranger who runs a small portion of the Itlwillie County rangerworks. Incredibly charming and people-oriented, he believes knowing the right people is a good feature when it comes to the more oddball parts of his other calling. When not at work, he collects old records of disco and classic 50′s-60′s tunes as well as being a part of the local bowling and rollerblading leagues. He appears to have strange ties to black-suited folk and those bonds don’t seem to be willingly friendly ...

Gabriel Werther is a 30 year old county clerk at Stanton Creek City Hall. Brisk and standoffish, Werther is not a people person, but excels at his job nonetheless. His family is a well known fixture in town and his father, Ian Werther, has some very strong ties to the town’s strange goings on...

Heimdall is a very normal teen who likes talking to all his friends, even if they don’t like to talk back

#my stuff #my characters

[theharellan]

has your muse had feelings or experiences that seem to / do conflict with their identity? are these general knowledge? does it alter how others see them, or how they see themselves?

Sexuality & Diversity Headcanons | Accepting | Also asked by @throatkissed

In regards to his asexuality, Solas’ past sexual experiences led to him questioning if he was asexual or not, in spite of the fact that in that particular relationship he wasn’t all that comfortable engaging. His role as evanuris also led to people projecting certain roles onto him. For the most part this meant people seeing him as a trickster, or a protector, roles he could fill more easily, but there were certainly people who took the wolf imagery he was associated with in a different direction. Listen, I’m trying to say this as coyly as I can, but I can’t help but look at the ways fandom projects fantasies onto Solas and imagine the same was done in Elvhenan. Not just Solas, most likely, but I’m not here to dictate how other false gods are seen by small pockets of the population. I spoke a lot more about his feelings and experience with his asexuality here, on the post I reblogged last week, and here again for his modern verse, so I won’t go too much more into his experiences and conflicts with this aspect of his identity.

I doubt most of the Inquisition knows he’s asexual, despite the Solavellan romance lacking in any sex in-game there are several references to people assuming they’ve had sex, from Sera to random nobles, and as far as roleplay goes people like Inara, one of Ian’s Wardens, also sees his relationship with Ian as sexual long before there’s even a chance of that happening. It’s not a secret, but nor is it something he tends to discuss. The most likely person to know about it would be Cole, simply because people seem to expect Cole to be interested, and Solas would want him to know it’s normal to not be. I’m also not sure if it would alter how people see him, some would likely think it stuffy of him, but again I don’t really want to dictate how other characters see him, and of the characters I write who do know, most are from Elvhenan themselves where it’s not a remarkable thing to be asexual.

His gender identity is something Solas is completely at ease about, and doesn’t feel that presenting in any certain way invalidates his gender. In Elvhenan he was a little more at ease about it than he is by Inquisition, but his unease in Inquisition has more to do with the gender binary being a thing in the Dragon Age, whereas in Elvhenan it was a spectrum. Being assumed male because of his typical preference for he/him doesn’t make him question his own experience or feelings.

Speaking of which, Solas being agender is not general knowledge, but I think with time some may either learn through him or intuit that he isn’t cis. I could see characters like Bull, whose language has words for gender non-conforming, being someone who may learn, it may be the one occasion where Solas can connect with the Qun in a positive way, rather than its worst aspects reminding him of Elvhenan. Cole likely just knows. I also don’t think Solas necessarily sticks to pants while living at Skyhold, opting for more feminine clothes and colours as his wardrobe expands past the three outfits he could carry on his back. For more ideas of what I mean by this, I do have a pininterest board specifically for his wardrobe, although it’s a combination of Elvhenan inspiration and Dragon Age era. He always looks like a bit of a mess, but that’s how he likes it.

#misgendering tw #felandaristhorns #( asks ) #( headcanons ) #[ scheduled post ]

[monstersdownthepath]

Spiritual Spotlight: Trelmarixian, the Lysogenic Prince

Neutral Evil Horseman of Famine

Domains: Earth, Evil, Madness, Weather Subdomains: Daemon, Decay, Insanity, Seasons

The Complete Book of the Damned, pg. 98~99

Obedience: Abstain from eating or drinking until you begin feeling pangs of hunger. Spend just under an hour meditating on this state, then spend the remaining time gorging yourself on any substance within reach, even if it’s not entirely suitable as food, such as soil, ash, or garbage. Benefit: Gain a +4 profane bonus on saving throws against effects that cause exhaustion, fatigue, nausea, or sickness.

That’s a REAL beefy benefit that gives you a generous bonus to avoiding some of the more crippling status effects in the game (nausea and exhaustion), which also comes in handy for making saves against whatever horrible substances you shovel into your craw after you decide you’ve suffered enough and rapidly begin consuming everything you can get your grimy little mitts on. Tex Mex Ian is the first of the Horsemen we’ll see in End Of The World Month: Ride of the Four, and his Obedience really sets the stage for how agonizing all of the Obediences for the Four Horsemen are going to be.

This Obedience is one of the harder ones to perform when compared to many others we’ve reviewed so far or will review in the future, as it requires a lot of setup. First off, depending on your metabolism you’ve got to go without eating or drinking for anywhere from 10 hours to a full day in order to begin actually feeling the level of hunger Trill Maracas wants you to suffer, so that gluttonous feast you gorge on at the end of the Obedience? That’s probably going to be the only meal you’ll eat until you next begin your Obedience, aside from the occasional berry or single mouthful of water.

If you don’t want to actually begin suffering the penalties of starvation, you’ll probably also have to set yourself out a feast before you begin your Obedience, too. If not a feast, then something to keep you from actually starving for the coming day while you pack the rest of your stomach full to bursting with handfuls of grass clippings and dirt. Trail Mix’s Obedience requires you to keep yourself on the edge of starvation at all times, and the benefit makes you better at handling it. At the very least, it’s an easy Obedience to keep hidden from snoopy folks; you can cover your worship of the Lysogenic Prince by simply claiming to have some form of vow of restraint or religious belief that bars you from eating with company. Or eating at all, except at breakfast. Of the Four, this is the easiest ritual to hide from prying eyes.

Also, obviously, creatures that don’t actually experience hunger technically can’t perform this Obedience without DM fiat. And for extra irony depending on how your interpret these rules, that may include Tremarixian’s own Souldrinkers once they reach Souldrinker 4 and thus no longer need to eat.

I may as well start putting a new intro paragraph in, eh? Well Boons usually come at levels 12, 16, and 20 if you merely take the Fiendish Obedience feat, but having levels in the Evangelist, Exalted, or Sentinel prestige classes allow you to unlock the respective bonuses much faster. The trio of prestige classes can be entered as early as level 7; taken as early as possible, you unlock the Boons at levels 10, 13, and 16 instead.

Daemon worshipers may elect to class into the Souldrinker prestige class instead of the Evangelist, Exalted, or Sentinel class, and may choose any of the three Boon lists they wish to have.

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EVANGELIST

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Boon 1: Jackal’s Blessing. Gain Memory Lapse 3/day, False Life 2/day, or Vampiric Touch 1/day.

Memory Lapse is an odd choice for the Horseman of Famine to hand out, but it’s not an unwelcomed one. It’s more useful than some people give it credit for, though it falls pretty hard into the category of “why waste a spell slot on this when I could use this other thing?” spells. Luckily, you don’t have to worry about that! Memory Lapse more or less erases the last six seconds of someone’s memory, which comes in handy if you commit a social faux pas and want to try again with a Bluff or Diplomacy check, but it’s also useful for things like: Repositioning after being revealed and then erasing your new hiding spot from memory, removing the memory of an ally casting a protective buff on themselves so the enemy doesn’t realize it, screwing someone over in a gambling game, or simply playing the card of “Oh no, you’ve been stabbed! Who could have done such a thing?” All without anyone realizing you’re mucking with someone’s head.

Unfortunately, Memory Lapse has a big weakness in that it allows a saving throw against it, and if the victim makes their save, whatever embarrassing event you were trying to erase is still fresh in their mind. On days when you’re not feeling particularly clever, False Life is always a good choice, giving you anywhere from 10 to 20 temporary hit points to pad out your total a little. It may only block one more blow, but that in itself means the character in question has one more round to fight back. And Vampiric Touch? That’s just a great spell because eventually, everyone gets caught in melee. It starts at 5d6 damage by the time you first get it and grants you temporary HP equal to the amount of damage dealt, hurting your foe and giving you--on average--about 5 more temporary hit points than False Life does.

Boon 2: Unending Whispers. You may cast Insanity 1/day as a spell-like ability.

Boring. Handy, but boring. It’s a permanent Confusion on a single target, but it’s beaten by successful Will save, which turns its 1/day nature against itself. Throwing it on an enemy bruiser can potentially earn you several rounds of breathing room, and I suppose you can throw it on some unfortunate passer-by to create a distraction, but like most Boons which offer one-dimensional spell effects, Unending Whispers is rather boring and inflexible.

...Or would be, if I didn’t just remember spell-likes have no components. Perhaps you masquerade as a Good-aligned priest, and speak a “holy word” which “sends demons into spasms,” afflicting one unfortunate fool with your Insanity to turn a whole group against them. Having the power to say just about anything you feel like and have someone go mad from the “revelation” is a unique roleplaying opportunity I failed to think about or explore well, but we still have too many Boons to go over for me to rattle on about it!

Boon 3: Kiss of the Lysogenic Prince. Once per day as a standard action, you may make a touch attack against a target to infect them with a portion of your essence as if it were a curse. They can resist it with a successful Will save (DC 10 + 1/2 your Hit Dice + your Charisma modifier), but if they fail, they become infected. From there on out, so long as you and the target are on the same plane, you may use a free action at any point to perceive the world through their senses; you see all they see, feel all they feel, smell all they smell, etc, for as long as you wish until you end this remote viewing as another free action. In addition, once per day, you may automatically hijack their body, controlling it utterly for 1 round plus your Charisma modifier in rounds (min 1). The victim does not remember anything that happens during this possession. You may only have one victim infected at a time; infecting a new victim immediately ends the infection on the previous one.

Now HERE is a power with some seriously sinister applications. It may seem odd that the Horseman of Famine has such an ability, but Tonsillectomy isn’t just the god of famine, he’s the god of all things devouring and destructive, such as parasites or cancer. A domain he sometimes (unwillingly) shares with Apollyon, the Horseman of Pestilence.

This ability is insidious, to the point that using it in combat feels like a waste. Slapping it onto an important or recurring NPC allows you a measure of control over them, monitoring their actions until you see an opening to cause some mischief or grief. Note that once the victim fails their initial save, they don’t get another one to resist your control, and the ability can only be broken by curse-breaking magics (which have to beat the save DC) and lasts forever unless you find a different victim to snag. The fact that the memory of any moments you spend puppeteering their body is erased is also magnificent for getting them into (or out of) trouble... Or gaslighting them, if you’re that evil. And, since you’re working for one of the Horsemen, you are!

Note that this ability causes no injury or any negative conditions on the victim. It’s not obvious you’ve infected them unless someone scans over their soul with some kind of curse-detecting spell, This means they--and everyone around them--will likely have no idea that they’ve been infected, even as you start exercising control over them. Obviously the best use is to control them when they’re alone, so no one else notices the off behavior, but the ever-popular “make your puppet stab someone important/stab someone they care about” and “frame your puppet for doing something horrible” are both options.

Also note that, unlike with the Dominate spells, you can force your victim to perform self-destructive acts as well. Have fun with that.

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EXALTED

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Boon 1: Jackal’s Grace. Gain Ray Of Enfeeblement 3/day, Feast of Ashes 2/day, or Cup of Dust 1/day.

Both Feast of Ashes and Cup of Dust are wonderful spells for making some poor NPC’s life absolutely miserable. Both of them can last for weeks at higher levels and will keep the poor fool at the edge of unconsciousness the entire time, up until something deals the final point of nonlethal damage needed to knock them out and allow the supernatural starvation or dehydration to finally have a lethal effect on them.

They’re amazing roleplaying tools that are more or less worthless in combat, unless the enemy in question manages to escape the party’s clutches and become a recurring nuisance. Ray of Enfeeblement isn’t fantastic at higher levels... Unless you target enemy casters, notorious for both their low Fortitude saves and their low Strength scores. A lucky shot may shave 11 Str off your target, potentially rendering weaker enemies completely helpless for 1 round/level. Even shooting someone with a high Fort save might still shave 2 or 3 damage off their attacks for a couple rounds, which can save your life.

I’d say go with the two curses if you plan to muck with some poor NPC (or uppity PC), and Ray of Enfeeblement if you don’t know what the day holds.

Boon 2: Unending Hunger. Once per day as a standard action, you may consume any nonliving substance with no ill effects. It must be no larger than your own size category, but only takes 1 round regardless of its size. Bodies consumed by this ability are completely destroyed. Any object you consume can attempt a Fortitude save (DC 10 + 1/2 your hit dice + your Con modifier) to avoid being destroyed.

God. Alright, I’ve gone over this ability with some disbelief in me before, but to reiterate: This ability ignores hardness, damage reduction, and the Artifact status, allowing you to destroy even divine artifacts in a single standard action if they fail their save. You can eat containers, and everything inside of them, in one action; so you can shove your enemy into a Bag of Holding and eat it to destroy them. You can use size-changing effects to let yourself snarf up larger and larger objects, or shrink other objects to have a better chance of eating them.

Also note that it doesn’t say the item has to be unattended. Snatch your enemy’s sword right out of their hands and eat it. Eat their armor right off of their body. If they’re a Construct or an Undead being, you can even eat them. If you’re the type to argue over semantics, you could note that only “an object” receives a saving throw, so a Construct or an Undead creature is instantly killed and destroyed with no save! But that interpretation would likely get you slapped by your DM.

This ability in general might get you slapped by your DM, in fact. It’s very, very obvious to me that this ability wasn’t run through much testing, or else it’d be much longer and clarify things like: Can you actually eat enemies that are nonliving? Can you eat only portions of larger objects? What happens when you eat an Artifact? What happens when the item makes its save--is it still inside you? Jammed in your mouth? Does it take damage? There’s so many questions that aren’t answered! If you actually gain this ability at any point, talk with your DM about the finer points. Don’t just suddenly surprise them by eating the Doom Artifact their campaign was built around.

Boon 3: Withering Invocation. You may cast Implosion 1/day as a spell-like ability.

This ability is much simpler than the last one. It’s also pretty strong! Provided you’re the proper prestige class, Implosion will deal a flat 160 damage to 8 different targets over the course of 8 rounds, and that damage and duration will only rise each level. Implosion is best used to selectively dispose of enemy minions rather than the main boss, though a successful Fortitude save negates the damage completely, and you can only target one particular being once with each casting of the spell. Even so, it’s likely to hew out (or grievously cripple) lower-level enemies, even though it’s rather slow in doing so.

Not the best level 9 spell available, but there’s no cap on how high it can scale up, so if your character manages to head into 20+ levels it just becomes more and more devastating to fail a throw to. There’s also the fact that it works on everything--Constructs, Undead, Elementals, etc--so long as it has a physical body, which makes it a good no matter what you may end up facing.

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SENTINEL

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Boon 1: Famine’s Crusader. Gain Mount 3/day, Wartrain Mount 2/day, or Phantom Steed 1/day

Mount and Phantom Steed are, essentially, the same spell, except Phantom Steed is bigger, fancier, and way more mobile. However, Phantom Steed can only carry one to three people at a time, while Mount can be used in succession to conjure a trio of horses for the entire party. It really depends on if your party needs to get somewhere quickly, or if you, personally, need to get somewhere.

Both are handy out of combat spells, and whichever one you pick is generally going to be based on how many people are traveling and how far they’re going, though Mount is usually the better choice unless you’re traveling through tough terrain. In a pinch, Mount can also be used in combat; ponies aren’t exactly known for being incredible combatants, but it’s an extra body on the field and an extra distraction for monsters too dim-witted to know how to focus targets. I’m not really even going to talk about Wartrain Mount; it’s a VERY niche spell, and not even a particularly good niche spell.

Boon 2: Consumptive Aura. You no longer require food to survive, though you still feel the pain of hunger to allow you to fulfill your Obedience. In addition, As a swift action, you may project a 20ft aura of starvation. It can be maintained or ended as a free action from there on out; you may maintain this effect for a number of rounds per day equal to your hit dice. Each round a creature begins their turn within this aura, it must make a Fortitude save (DC 10 + 1/2 your hit dice + your Cha modifier) or take 1d6 points of nonlethal damage and be fatigued from extreme hunger. They do not become exhausted if they’re already fatigued. Creatures that do not need to eat are immune to this ability.

I do like that they added the clause that you still feel hunger pains despite not having to eat. That’s a good way to make an unfortunate, trapped servant go insane. Then again, that’s what Trial Marxist probably wants! It’s also basically there for flavor reasons and has little mechanical benefit; the Boon falls off if you don’t perform your Obedience, and to perform your Obedience you have to eat. Then again, this does basically mean that you can fill up on leaf piles or handfuls of sand while the rest of the party eats your rations.

Anyway, this ability is pretty good. 1d6 nonlethal damage each round isn’t going to win you a fight by any stretch, but being able to fatigue everyone around you will. There is the unfortunate downside in that you don’t get to pick and choose who gets affected by this ability, so granting any allies you may have some immunity to fatigue is probably one of your first priorities. Unless you don’t have allies, in which case, starve away!

I can see a few uses for this ability outside of combat. For example, marching into a crowded town square and then activating it, knocking out the weaker citizens and making the burlier ones absolutely famished. If you have a means to cause madness or confusion in people, even better! You can drive a dozen people to attack one another in a horrible, gruesome fashion!

Hey, you are representing one of the omnicidal Four Horsemen. Start finding horrifying uses for your powers!

Boon 3: Eruptive Arrival. Once per day, you may teleport through any creature you can see (as Greater Teleport; so long as you can see the target, the distance or obstacles between you do not matter). You burst forth from the victim’s body in a shower of blood and gore and appear in a space adjacent to them, dealing 20d6 damage to the victim and 5d6 damage to all other creatures within 10ft of your arrival, nauseating everyone damaged for 1d4 rounds. Any creature damaged by this ability can make a Fortitude save (DC 10 + 1/2 your hit dice + your Con modifier) to halve the damage and negate the nausea.

Speaking of horrifying uses, Jesus Christ.

Note that this ability actually allows you to explode out of anyone you may even be scrying on, crossing planetary distances to burst forth from your unfortunate victim, likely killing them and most of the lower-level folk around them. It’s an amazing initiator, crossing huge rooms or distances to get up close and personal to your enemy (really up close and personal) while simultaneously dealing a huge chunk of damage. You even get to make a move action after since Greater Teleport is only a standard action! AND you get to make a swift action, too, like raising your Consumptive Aura!

20d6 is an enormous amount of damage, even if it gets halved by a successful save, and your poor target has no actual way to dodge it or stop you from using them as a screaming doorway aside from keeping out of your line of sight. I think the fact that it works through binoculars, spyglasses, and scrying is the real kicker. Who needs to sneak into an enemy castle? Just peep at one of the patrolling guards from a mile or so away and make them explode.

You may be stuck in hot water while the rest of your team catches up, but I think appearing before your foes by bursting out of one of their allies should give you a few circumstance bonuses to any Intimidate check you make on arrival.

You can read more about him here.

#End of the World Month #Spiritual Spotlight #Sinister Spotlight #Pathfinder #Dungeons and Dragons

[theos-rp]

ACCEPTED

Congratulations, Ian Rose, you have been granted admittance to the Island. Please add our moderator account within three days or your face claim will be reopened.

OOC Name / Alias: paige Are you 18+?: yes! 22. Time Zone: gmt-5:00 Do you understand that this roleplay is an 18+ environment, and that you may be exposed to explicit material, mature content, or triggering themes?: yes!  Is this a second character? no. IC Face claim / Group/occupation: kim namjoon (rm) | bts Chosen Name: ian rose Son/Daughter of: gaia. House: corinthian. “It’s no problem, [redacted],” He nods to himself affirmatively, waiting on the younger male to hop aboard and get comfortable. Namjoon’s gaze travels around their surroundings, pretty pleased that no one has yet to bother them, and this was something the elder male had secretly always wanted, was to just be a nobody and go about his day not having to worry. But it seemed like there were a lot of people out at a time, and weren’t concerned about seeing anyone in particular, enjoying the spring time air just as much as Namjoon and [redacted] were doing. Feeling [redacted]’s arms encircle around his waist and having his chin perched on his shoulder, it makes Namjoon’s heart throb in his chest. It’s an innocent way of touching him, just so [redacted] has something— someone— to hold onto, but it still makes Namjoon feel things that he’s always felt for the younger. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty safe when bike riding. The safest I can be.” The rapper chuckles lowly, pushing off the ground with his feet rather hard to gain some momentum so he can start pedalling, and he does it with easy, en route to their destination. He stays on the guided path for bikers, thankful for such an addition to the city streets, making sure to watch his surroundings as he pedals. This was almost perfect. Being stowed away in the apartment for too long, as well as his studio, due to the cold weather obviously messed with his head, and now there were more opportunities to do things. And maybe do things more with [redacted]. Friendly or still in love, Namjoon definitely wanted to spend more time with [redacted] and this time of year they could definitely start doing more together. Spring was a new era.

#application #submission

[misanthropic-deity]

What about that Materaranea blog they seem pretty gay

Mutual Love//accepting

Roleplaying/Writing

My favorite muse(s) of theirs and why:

gIMMIE THAT SPIDERBITCH BOI!! wHAT ELSE CAN I SAY?? She’s manipulative, she’s smart and sHE’S EVERYTHING MY GAY ASS WANTS IN LIFE, I WILL FUCKING DIE FOR HER??!, Arachne was one of my fave characters in Soul Eater and her madness form in the manga?? OH MY GOD??? Fuck I nut man, I N UT

My favorite interaction/thread of theirs:

Haven’t had time to make a full one yet but,,tHAT SHITTY RELATIONSHIP THEY HAVE IS MAKING ME EAGER BOI

My thoughts on their unique characterization/interpretation of their muse(s):

EVERYTHING 

My thoughts on their writing style as a whole:

From WHAT I’VE SEEN, SEN FUCKING NAILS HER, BALLS TO THE WALLS NAILS HER!! Sen writes her beautifully and writes her RIGHT! I fucking love Sen’s writing style so much, please end me

Situation(s)/Plot(s) I’d love to see their muse(s) in:

Aracnne being forced into an uncomfortable situation where she just chats her way out of it Devil wears Prada style!! And Honestly ANYTHING 

Someone else I love seeing them interact with:

Their s/o @sacermania I love 

Anything else I want to say about their roleplaying:

i CAN’T WAIT TO FUCKING RP WITH YOU SEN!  BLESS!!

If We Know Each Other

What I Think Are Their Best Qualities:

Sen is super sweet as well, they have an amazing personality and are overall just a good dude?? I’d love to get to know them better!! We have such fucking hilarious conversations! ily Sennnn

What I Think Are Their Strengths:

BeinG A SWEETIE??? SEN IS SUCH A GOOD FUCKING BEAN AND I LOVE THEM?? GOOD BEAN GOOD BEAN!! I LOVE YOU! 

A Memorable OOC Interaction Of Ours:

GANG UP ON IAN WITH LOVE

Why Others Should RP With Them:

They nail aracnne perfectly and they deserve more follows, Honestly I’m gonna shout them out so much because I love every interaction they do!

How Others Should Approach Them:

With love and good memes! 

Other Roleplayers I’d Recommend To Them:

@reapsdeath @reapsfear

Anything else I want to say about them:

I LOVE YOU SEN!!!   BLESS U!! 

If We Have/Plan To Interact Together

A plot I’d like to write with them:

- ANYTHING, Death and Aracnne’s Relationship deserves to be explored more and I’m so hype tbh

A muse I want to introduce to them:

- @reapsdeath Micah’s also a good bean and you two could get along pretty damn well I’ll bet! 

A ship/broship I’d like to propose to them:

- cough cough  Arachnne and Death hatefucking 👌 👌

A thread with them I’m excited about:

- The one yOU LINKED ME IN BBY, EXPECT A RESPONSE SOON 

Anything else I want to say:

#（ｏｏｃ： ｍｕｎ） #(ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀᴀʙʟᴇ ᴍᴇᴍᴇꜱ:) #(ᴀʀᴛғᴜʟ ᴀʀᴀᴄʜɴɪᴅ: ᴀʀᴀᴄʜɴᴇ) #(Ilyyy bitch) #materaranea