#this will never entirely stop being a hockey blog

[alittlebitofloveliness]

Could you do some modern day Soda headcanons please? I love him so much and I love your blog so much soooooo….

Ok so soda is tricky for me to write but I tried my best!!!

Modern Au Sodapop Headcanons

-Drinks every single energy drink imaginable. Rockstar? Like its water. Prime? For the plot. 5 hour energy? He’ll down it in five seconds. Darry is HORRIFIED.

-Is pretty enough he’s one of those people who becomes moderately famous on TikTok without having to really do much. His followers notice he’s always talking to someone off camera, and they’re desperate to find out who it is, but Soda only ever responds to comments with ‘oh that’s just Stevie, he doesn’t like TikTok’.

-Soda’s followers have a lot of theories about this ‘Stevie’. Soda is weirdly tight lipped about him, despite the fact he often breaks off mid rant in videos to talk to him. There’s also the fact that the rest of the gang is often around/in the background of videos, but the mysterious ‘Stevie’ never appears. (okok I’ll stop here before this becomes a Stevepop social media au)

-Regularly forgets to take his ADHD meds and Darry often has to remind him

-Would either have a hockey flow or a mullet (whatever y’all think, personally I think modern Soda with a hockey flow tracks with his character)

-One of those people who loves horror movies but is also completely terrified of even the dumbest ones and has to sleep with the lights on for weeks afterwards. Steve makes fun of him for it, but will also stay up on the phone with him if Soda watches one by himself and freaks himself out

-Has a million fidget spinners because they actually help him focus on stuff when he needs to

-Soda in modern AU wouldn’t call Ponyboy ‘kid brother’ as a nickname (don’t get me wrong, I love it but Ive never heard it used irl). Instead, I think him and Darry (and thus the rest of the gang) refer to Pony as ‘shrimp’ and Ponyboy absolutely hates it  “where’s the shrimp” “he’s has track practice ‘till four, you of all people should know that Dar” (brought to you by me and my interactions with my own little brothers)

-The whole gang is super into video games, but Soda is kind of shit at them and lowkey grumpy about it

-Every teacher he’s ever had has done that thing where they expect him to be exactly like his older sibling, and therefore expect him to be a model student like Darry, and every time they are proven entirely wrong. By the time the same teachers see Ponyboy’s name on their class lists they’re terrified of what to expect

-He definitely had that horrible middle school boy stage where he just reeked of axe body spray and BO before he figured out proper hygiene

-Every two weeks him and Steve end up doing some sort of YouTube deep dive where they end up being convinced of some sort of wild conspiracy theory that Ponyboy and sometimes Darry have to spend three hours talking them out of

-Uses far too many emojis in texts

-He had a pet hamster once and you know that thing died in the most horrendous way imaginable. Two-bit probably farted into the cage at one point as a joke and the poor thing asphyxiated to death or some shit like that

-He’s that kid in group projects who does nothing and tanks the presentation for everyone by mispronouncing half the words on the slides some other group member made for him

-Him and Steve are so inseparable that when they’re not together people will be like ‘where’s your boyfriend’ and he just answers without thinking before flushing really hard and sputtering a bit. 

-One of those people that casually catches snakes with his bare hands. Steve HATES it and Ponyboy is TERRIFIED of snakes so he gets in trouble with Darry if he does it too often or brings them near the house

#the outsiders #sodapop curtis #ponyboy curtis #steve randle #darry curtis #two bit mathews #headcanon #stevepop #sodapop x steve

[fannyyann]

hiiii! I totally agree with that Leon anon from a couple days ago, and am so happy I’m not the only one who feels this way. I accidentally fell into mattdrai fandom last year (late, I know) and LOVE the way fanon leon is portrayed in fics but I always found canon leon to be so cold and really had to struggle to root for him or even like him in IRL.

that has now changed due to watching some oilers+ behind the scenes content of him where I realized his cuntiness is just his sense of humor. I also think he is just one of those people who can’t ever NOT be completely BLUNT, which is jarring in hockey where few players ever show personality in interviews. I recommend anon seek out some of the oilers+ stuff as well as watch the Connor/Darnell Nurse interview where they talk about how Leon likes to do impressions of people, which is very lol to me? also that interview with mitch marner where he says HE dragged celeste to see Barbie loooool. anyway I know this is a matthew blog and not a leon blog so I’ll stop but tldr: my wife’s a bitch and I love her!

p.s. I agree that it can sometimes be annoying when matthew is ALWAYS so babygirl in fics but I think that’s because he is one of the few nhl players who shows vulnerability in his interviews and people know SO much about his family so they have thousands of narratives that they project onto him. neither of those things are true for leon.

omg anon, you really had me in the first half I was like “why are you shitting on my guy like thiiis 😭😭😭” but I’m glad you get it now!

He has a very dry delivery and there’d be no mattdrai at all if he hadn’t tried to joke about getting off the ice and instead of being taken as the deadpan sort of joke delivers a lot, it landed poorly and took on an entire life of its own lmao

my favorite part of Leon’s sense of humor is when he waits for the joke to land and starts laughing when it’s well received it’s so cute and DWEEBY

also, now that you mention it I wonder if he and Celeste ever did see the Barbie movie together because he only said that he had suggested it iirc?? Cabbie we need a follow up!!!

And yes, Matthew is a very projectable slate for fandom, but I would say a lot of the things, like the daddy issues and the inferiority complexes, could be projected onto Leon too, and I really think being so blunt with his emotions, and letting the public see how deeply affected he is by losing is a type of vulnerability that fandom doesn’t appreciate.

But also! Matthew is my undisputed #1 but you never have to apologize for talking to me about Leon! I absolutely adore him

#Leon ask

[fff777]

Thank you @okamiwind for tagging me in this writing meme :3

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason.

I haven't written that many fics so I'm sorry that this is going to be very repetitive T_T

1) First fic I ever published

A Union of Sorts - Hockey RPF, Patrick Sharp/Jason Spezza

What a blast from the past. This fic began as me sending a prompt as an anonymous ask to a bnf and they were interested to hear more. I wrote the entire fic as asks in this blog's inbox before compiling it and posting it as my first fic to AO3.

2) Last fic I published

Gilded Thread - EXO/Cpop, Huang Zitao/Lay Zhang

This is a fic that I thought I'd never write, and technically I didn't because how I initially envisioned this fic is very different from the final product. But I'm still pleased with how it turned out. It might be recency bias but this fic is kind of my special baby right now so I've listed it a few more times below OTL

3) Any fic that I wrote for a fandom/ship only once

Can't Stop Waiting - S.C.I. Mystery, Bai Yutong/Zhan Yao

I picked this fic because this is the only fic I've written for fictional media. Of all the BL and BL-inspired dramas I've seen so far, it was this cheesy buddy cop (adapted from a webnovel that was itself a fanfic) that had me most invested in the main ship. I'm not sure where the idea for this fic came from because it had a serious tone compared to the drama that was pretty lighthearted lol. Anyway, it puts a smile on my face when I see kudos on this fic because it means people are still watching this fun little drama.

4) Favourite fic I wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works

Roam, Wander - EXO, Sehun/Suho

For this question I picked a favourite fic for the most popular ship that I've written (Seho). I won't lie, I do think I received so many nice comments about this fic because it was for a popular ship ^^;; This was the first long fic I'd ever written, a fun self-indulgent fic that I wrote based on vibes. I didn't plan to write any big overarching theme, it was just about guys in a sequence of events lol. I had a ton of fun writing all of the Exos into this setting :3

5) Fic I wish more people read

Gilded Thread - EXO/Cpop, Huang Zitao/Lay Zhang

I knew this fic was going to have limited appeal. LayHanTao have limited popularity (at least in English speaking fandom) nowadays and they barely interact. This story was inspired by my love of historical political Cdramas, and I really wanted to write a story that had a similar kind of story, where the politics was the centre of everything and the relationships were constantly conscious of and secondary to it. So I knew I wasn't really going to grab the crowd that wanted more of a romantic story line. I guess I wished more people read this because I want to find more people who are interested in political stories.

Weekend Bunnies - EXO, Suho/Lay

I'm kind of shy about sharing this pwp series, but I think I'd like it if more people read it because I've received some pretty interesting feedback on this fic series despite it being smut. Most of the comments are people talking about how they interpret the relationship and idk I think that's neat.

6) Fic I agonized over the most

Gilded Thread - EXO/Cpop, Huang Zitao/Lay Zhang

I originally wanted to write a story that had a very ambitious political story line. The kind where several princes were vying for the throne, or one where the evil chancellor was deposed of. I did a lot of research on both history and the genre and after drawing up several plans, I realized I was NOT smart enough to write such a story. I have close to no military knowledge and also the only kind of shenanigans I was comfortable writing was financial crime which would get old real fast lol.

So I had to drop major aspects of the story to focus on only a few. I am pretty pleased with how it turned out though. If I had included everything, maybe it would have felt a bit generic and all over the place.

7) Fic that sprang fully formed from my mind without any effort

Now that I think about it, nearly all the pwps I've written have been done in one sitting without much effort lol. No thoughts just horny.

Double Dairy - EXO, Suho/Lay

I wrote the majority of this 10k smut piece in one sitting while at work lmao. I had been writing Roam, Wander (at work) and needed a break. At the time, nobody sat behind me and thus nobody could see my monitor. So I opened a new Google Doc and started typing out horny thoughts lmfao. I don't work at that office anymore XD

Choose Me - EXO, Chanyeol/Lay

If I remember correctly, I'd written this fic quickly too. I'd been on a Chanlay kick and had just written my first one but still wanted to write some pwp so I wrote this canon timeline fic. Both my Chanlay fics are a bit special to me because they were my first Exo fics :P

8) Work I am proud of

I am NOT going to write Gilded Thread but please know I am proud of myself for writing it XD

Branches - EXO/Cpop, Kai/Lay

I wasn't sure I was ever actually going to write this fic. I'm normally more interested in AUs than canon compliant or canon divergent fics. I'm kind of proud because I managed to put this together. Also because sometimes I write fic to find closure for myself, and for this fic it helped me gain a bit of closure (with regards to Yixing and his relationship with EXO).

Tagging @amphitheatre-heart, @of-asteriaa, @roguetaemincat, and anyone else who wants to do this meme! :3

#answering stuff #fic talk #okamiwind #sorry for mentioning the same fic three times my repertoire is limited

[chefdoeuvre]

Busted

Jay Halstead

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Sister!Reader

Description: You're not as slick as you originally thought.

Words: 1,021

Requested: yes by anonymous; I wanted to request a Halstead sister! imagine where jay is undercover or something and they run into his high school sister at a club or house party? I love your blog!

Warnings: mention of drinking, drugs, language, Jay Halstead being way too overprotective.

A/N: I changed it from undercover to Jay working overtime because I thought it’d be funny for the reader to have to ride in the back of his patrol car. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors.

—

Sneaking out to go to a party was not a part of your plans tonight but since Will and Jay were going to be at work for the majority of the night you decided to throw caution to the wind and go. Of course, you didn’t exactly think through much before throwing on a random top and bottoms that could be deemed good enough and headed to the party. The party wasn’t a special invite-only type of party you saw on television it was open to the whole school if you felt like showing up. It was one of the top hockey players’ houses since his parents would be gone for the week on a business trip. There was a lot of drinking and some weed smoking going on in the backyard. Music was decently loud for the time of night it was and people were busy dancing their cares away from the past week.

While others were busy shoveling substances in their systems to have fun you stayed near the front of the house where most of the sober people resided. Most of you were just making conversation or making jokes about how the guys acted when they wanted to play beer pong with tequila. The front area included a living room with a large couch to fill up the space which was where a majority of the calmer students sat while nursing their only cup that they planned on having for the night.

Obviously, another thing you didn’t plan was for Jay to be working the area where the party was held for his overtime shift. When sirens began nearing the property everyone began running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Your luck just so happened to run out that very moment because you were standing at the foyer when Jay came walking in through the open front door. He was dressed in his blue uniform with a scowl on his face. Yeah, breaking up high school parties was not the fun part of his job. His eyes immediately landed on you and his scowl increasingly became worse with every step he took toward you.

“Damn it.” You heaved a sigh once Jay came to a stop in front of you.

“What do you think you’re doing at a party this late?” Jay crossed his arms over his chest.

“It’s not like I was doing anything bad, Jay.” You rolled your eyes.

“Uh huh, go outside and wait by the car.” Jay nodded unconvinced and gestured his head toward the patrol car sitting out front. He knew you hadn’t done anything besides sneaking out, but this was just how he was.

“Fine.” You reluctantly agreed with a groan.

Being busted was never fun, that’s for sure. Even more so when Jay had to drive around in a patrol car rather than his usual truck. That meant he would have to drive you back home in the back of said patrol car like some kind of criminal. Which you were definitely not, just so we can be clear.

You slowly walked down the front lawn toward the patrol car with a frown etched onto your features. You stood next to it with your arms crossed waiting for Jay to come back from checking over the entire property with Hailey. Oh, I forgot to mention that your favorite blonde that you looked up to just so happened to be partnered up with your brother for this overtime shift. As if disappointed looks from Jay weren’t enough you’d have to get sympathetic looks from Hailey who saw your brother’s wrath dealing with suspects daily.

Eventually, Jay and Hailey both came out with blank looks on their faces making it hard for you to tell if Jay was pissed off or only slightly angry with your decision to attend this party. Jay silently opened the back door and gestured inside with a small smirk adorning his face.

“After you.” Jay waved his arm.

“Yeah, thanks.” You nodded sarcastically before sliding into the back seat of the car.

Jay and Hailey got back into their respective seats as you furrowed your brows at the view from the back seat.

“This just feels wrong.” You stared through the grate with your nose scrunched up.

“Good to know that you’ll do your best to stay out of the back of these cars.” Jay smiled sarcastically.

“I’ll only make it my life’s work.” You raised your brows in amusement.

“Enough you two with the sarcastic comments.” Hailey sighed with a small smile.

“Your boyfriend started it, not me. You’re my key witness.” You raised your arms in mock surrender, looking at Hailey.

Jay scoffed with a shake of his head in response. Soon enough he had pulled up to your apartment building and opened the back door for you to get out.

“I better not see your ass at another party without telling me first, all right?” Jay looked pointedly at you.

“You won’t, I promise. It wasn’t even that fun anyway if it makes you feel any better.” You said with pursed lips.

“It does actually, I texted Will he’s coming over with a very late dinner after his shift.” Jay nodded his head as the two of you walked up the stairs to your apartment.

“You’re seriously making him babysit me?” You questioned with furrowed brows.

“Hey, at least he’s bringing the two of you dinner.” Jay argued while unlocking the door and letting you go in first.

“Fair enough.” You nodded with a sigh.

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone, I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” Jay leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of your head.

“All right, bye. Love you.” You shook your head with a small smile.

“Love you too, Pipsqueak.” Jay waved with a wide smirk before he headed back out the door.

You couldn’t even get a word in before the door shut and you let out a scoff at the less than favorable nickname he still insisted on using. Big brothers, what can I say? Annoying as hell, but you love them anyway.

#fanfiction #imagine #request #one shot #one chicago #one chicago imagine #chicago pd #one chicago fanfiction #chicago pd imagine #chicago pd fanfiction #jay halstead x sister!reader #jay halstead x you #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead fanfiction #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead

[hoeforau]

~🤍~

Taeil

...

Johnny - Youngho

I’ll send all my loving to you - @sehunniepotwrites

24.8k - soulmate au!, friends to lovers au!

My favorite Johnny fic out there, by far. It has just the right amount of angst and fluff and just wholesome shit, you know? I’ve already praised this fic on my side blog (see here) but I just had to put it on here too. Bless you for this masterpiece 💛

The legend - @moonttaeil

30k - fratboy Johnny

Welp, might have read this when I was deep in my Johnny feels and now it won’t leave my mind. Frat au! lovers, this is one of, if not the best, frat series there is. If you haven’t already read their frat house series, DO IT.

Taeyong

...

Yuta

...

Doyoung

The trust fund baby - @moonttaeil

25k - frat/richboi Doyoung, fake dating au!

Y’all when I say I cried... This is a really bittersweet story but I LOVED IT. There’s also a part. 2 and it’s just as good. I’ll say it, Xiaojun deserved better, change my mind.

Atlas - @wincore

15.4k - fwb au!, college au!

Okay so this fic fucking wrecked me. I cried, maybe a bit too much. I can’t even express how much I liked it, it’s that good. It has a very, I’d say, “poetic” side to it. So beautiful.

A Marriage of Inconvenience - @lucaswithnoshirt

22.5k - victorian au!, arranged marriage au!

Now I have a soft spot for these particular aus and can I just say that it met every single one of my expectations. I want writer Doyoung as my husband, pls.

Ten -Chittaphon

Une seconde avant noël - @127-mile

5.2k - exes au!

Angst but it ends well. This was so cute, we need more Ten fics like this one in the world.

Ocean eyes - @lucaswithnoshirt

15k - mermaid au!, platonic au!

Okay, so this is probably one of the first fics I’ve read on this website, and it totally drew me in. I’m not used to platonic aus (and I have to admit I wished they at least kissed one but oh well) but as weird as it sounds, it wasn’t unpleasant. In fact, I quite liked it! Very cute.

Jaehyun - Yoonoh

...

Winwin - Sicheng

...

Jungwoo

...

Lucas - Xuxi/Yukhei

...

Mark

19-1664 TPX: Red - @ceruleanskies

8.6k - soulmate au!, assassin au!

Let’s be honest, soulmates au is probably one of the best aus that exists out there, and this fic does it justice. The angst is just *chef kiss*. This is part of a very interesting series that I sadly haven’t yet read in its entirety, but definitely will do in the future.

Xiaojun

...

Hendery - Kunhang

...

Renjun

Huang Renjun’s Envy - @misfitneo

17.5k - mafia au!

This is technically the pt.3 of the Seven deadly sins series by the same author, which I highly recommend too. This one was just hitting the Renjun vibes, you know. ouch ouch ouch, much angst but I love it.

One foot in the Golden life - @nsheetee

9.7k - richkid au!

Oh oh oh now that was so good. There is so few good Renjun fics out there, but this one gets the gold from me (see what I did there?).

Jeno

pussy blocked. : @luvdsc

31k - college au!, fuckboi/girl au!

Okay, I’m not a pancakes gal but... I would gladly sacrifice myself for those.

That’s it, that’s the review/description. Just go read it.

Of captains and college boys: @neocitybynight

8.2k - hockey au!

Part 2 here. (14.7k)

This fucking broke me. I felt every word slam my heart with a hockey stick until my very own soul shook.

Lee Jeno as a hockey player is hot, but Lee Jeno as a genuine and vulnerable human being is hotter.

Haechan - Donghyuck

Lights, Cameras, F*ck you (LDH) - @neocitybynight

31k - Hollywood au!

Now, I believe any Haechan stan has read this fic, and rightfully so. It’s like, the backbone of the Hyuck fics. It’s genuine and well-written, the story is really addictive. It even has a cute little epilogue. Anyhow, a must read.

Solaria - @jenoremii

2.5k - tattoo shop au!

Now of course I added this one to the list. Thank you for fuelling my fantasies about pretty man with tattoos and piercings, highly appreciated 🖤

Home is a feeling - @neonun-au

8.2k - fluff, christmas au...?

Soft soft soft for this. But really, anything by this author is so great. Check them out.

Baby Face - @smileysuh

14.4k - frat Hyuck, enemies to lovers au!

HA! As if I wouldn’t put this masterpiece on my list. I think it’s common knowledge by now that frat Hyuck is my shit. I wanna argue and fight with Hyuck too, if it ends the same way it does in this fic (pls, I’m begging). The entire Frat universe fics are bangers too (I might have read them all too, oops)

Jaemin

The owl and the moon - @jenoremii

7.5k - badboy Jaemin, highschool au!

I requested this one and boy oh boy was I not disappointed. Not the usual badboy fic you’d expect, but in a good way. It has a very comforting and familiar feeling to it.

Two nights, one you - @nctsworld

10.9k - fuckboi jaemin

Now this, this is the ultimate Jaemin fic. It has everything; fuckboi Jaemin, nice smut, slight enemies to lovers... what more can you ask for? This particular Jaemin lives rent free in my mind.

cat & mouse - @tyonfs

17.7k - fbw au!, college au!

So, I never thought I’d want to be Jaehyun’s sister so bad in my life but here I am. The tension and suspense was so... surreal lolz, I loved it. Looking forward to the Jeno fic in the same universe (slam dunk series).

Yangyang

...

Shotaro

...

Sungchan

...

Chenle

...

Jisung

Sweeter than honey - @luvdsc

30k - bestfriends to lovers au!, rich kids au!

!!NO SMUT!! cause we respectful hoes in this household

No but fuck off this was the cutest thing ever. This was such a nice change compared to all them 1k Jisung drabbles... bless you. I ate this up like candy, it was so so sweet omfg I can’t. The group dynamics were so wholesome and the characters URGH (here’s a short list cause I can): Shyshyshy BFF Jisung? Fat Check. Done™️ Renjun? Relatable Check. Football players Nomin (whose image will be forever engraved in my mind)? Legend Check. Insufferable Hyuck? Double Check. And the list goes on... I loved it. A must read for all the soft Jisung stans out there.

———————————🤍———————————

*I know, I know, I have my favorites... feel free to send me some good fics, I’ve got nothing but time to spare

Also, this will keep getting updated cause I can’t stop myself from reading fanfics until 3am so that’s that🙃

#simp for the neo boys #it’s not an addiction I swear #nct #fic rec #nct fic rec #nct aesthetic #hoeforau

[troubatrain]

i’d lie - m. tkachuk

a/n: this was the very first like super long fic i’d written for my own blog and tbh i still love it so i hope you guys do too :)

September 2019

The first time you met Matthew Tkachuk, you were running back to your apartment, mountain of textbooks in your hand. You’d run into a firm chest while trying to text your roommates back about dinner plans, your books knocking all over the floor. You apologized profusely, feeling awful for running into someone because you couldn’t get your head out of your phone. The stranger, who later introduced himself as Matthew, assured you it was fine and helped you pick up your books. You introduced yourself to him, thanking him for the help and making a light joke about how you weren’t paying attention. The two of you went your separate ways, but your mind wandered about the blue eyed stranger you’d run into that day.

The second time was definitely just a coincidence, and you were sure of that. You were grabbing a quick coffee before class, something you were in dire need of after your roommates came home well past midnight from a night out while you decided to stay in and study. You were waiting for your drink when you heard your name called from behind you. You turn around and meet Matthew’s eyes, laughing about how’d you run into each other just a couple of days later. The two of you made small talk, you explaining that you were just headed to class and him explaining he was grabbing an after practice coffee. When you asked him what sport he played, he looked at you in shock and laughed, explaining that he played for the Flames, you reluctantly admitted that you didn’t follow hockey much anymore, being just too busy. Your conversation ended quickly when you realized you had to run to class, telling Matthew you’d see him around even though you were sure you probably never would.

The third time was starting to feel like the universe was telling you something. You’d gone out with your roommates, celebrating a successful end to the fall semester. You were going to grab another drink when you felt someone grab your arm, when you turned around, ready to tell this guy to lay off, you’re met with a familiar pair of blue eyes. Matthew cracked a joke about how you’d seen him more times in the past week or so than his family and offered to buy you a drink. You took it, standing at the bar and talking to him for the rest of the night. You talked about school, your major, and your roommates. He told you about playing for the Flames, and how much he loved being in Calgary. When his teammates walked over to the two of you, chirping Matthew about talking to you, and when you roasted his teammate right back, Matthew told you that he was positive he was going to have a new best friend.

Matthew wasn’t kidding, finally getting your number at the bar that night and never leaving you since. It was slow, he started by inviting you out with his teammates after games, the boys becoming a permanent part of your life. Then you went to your first Flames game, in which Matthew scored twice and made you promise to never miss a home game after. After that, you were complaining about how loud your roommates could be when you really needed to get some work done, so Matthew gave you a key to his place so you could go there even if he was away. Matthew would send take out to your apartment if you’d had a particularly bad day or you would go over to his and cook for the both of you. He’d been there to help you study for finals, even though he didn’t have a clue about what you were talking about. You’d been there when the Flames got knocked out of the first round of the playoffs, holding Matthew while he ranted and raved about the game and how badly he wished they’d won. You went out to dinner with his parents when they came to town, you’d even made a trip to St. Louis over the summer. From an outsider’s perspective, and from the perspective of every person in your life, it seemed like you two were dating, but you felt like that ship had sailed and if it was going to happen it would’ve already.

You shake the memories of your friendship with Matthew out of your head as you turn the key to his apartment, sneaking in with the obnoxious decorations you’d bought. Yesterday, Matthew called you to let you know his contract was almost done and that he’d be back to Calgary for training camp the next day. You were excited, the contract debacle taking up more stress in your life than you’d liked. You’d sent the stuff down on his kitchen island, tying the red balloons you’d bought to one of the chairs and setting out the cake you’d bought that just says, “Congrats on getting PAID.” You hear the door creak open, and Matthew set his bag down by the door.

“Oh this is something,” Matthew chuckles, laughing at the small celebration you’d put together.

“Thought I’d welcome you back,” You laugh as he runs over to pull you into a hug.

“I really don’t deserve you,” He says, “Is that cake?”

“It is,” You smile, walking into the kitchen and pulling the groceries you’d bought to cook the both of you some dinner, “and dinner.”

“I really really don’t deserve you,” Matthew repeats, always appreciative of things you did to take care of him. Not that you minded it at all, the access to the quiet of Matthew’s apartment was enough to justify a few dinners, let alone when the two of you went out and Matthew insisted on paying the bill. While you never felt like you owed him anything, it definitely made you feel less guilty when you were doing something for him - even if it is just stopping him from eating out every night.

“You don’t, I know,” You joke, hip bumping him out of your way so you could grab a cutting board from his cabinet.

Matthew was over to the seats on the island, sitting in the one you’d decorated, “You’re going to be at our first home game right?”

“Of course, I planned my entire day around it,” You admit, knowing you’d made a silly promise to Matthew that you’d never miss a home game, “Why? Worried you’re going to bomb without me there?”

“I mean, yeah. I just-” Matthew starts, sighing, “After waiting for this deal and stuff I don’t want anyone to think it was a mistake.”

You didn’t realize your joke had actually struck a nerve. When you first became friends you didn’t think Matthew doubted his play or himself ever. He had a blind confidence, and he never let a mistake take over his whole game. It was something you actually admired, wondering if you could ever be that confident in yourself. But, when the Flames lost in the first round of the playoffs, and you’d gone to his place after the game, Matthew turned into a sad shell of a man in front of your eyes. That night you realized how much actually got to him, and while he listed off the mistakes he made in the series you’re heart broke with every word he said. The Canadian media wasn’t always easy, and it really bothered Matthew more than you think he even knew.

You turn around from the stove, “There’s not one person who doesn’t think you deserve your contract, and if they don’t I’ll personally tell them to fuck off.”

Matthew laughs, and your heart skips a beat, “I think I can do without you trying to fight anyone.” “Why? I’m absolutely terrifying,” You joke, your small frame wasn’t scary at all, but you weren’t about to let that stop you.

“You know what? You’re right,” Matthew says sarcastically.

“In all seriousness,” You start walking around the island to wrap your arms around Matthew’s shoulders, “I’ll always be proud of you.” Matthew tucks his head into your arms muttering a low thank you. The two of you spent the night together, catching up on your summers over the dinner you made. He told you about the trips he’d gone on, and his summer antics. You’d gone on about the vacation’s you’d gone on, and the time you spent with your family.

October 2019

You walked arm and arm with Brittney, Sean’s girlfriend, into the Saddledome for the Flames home opener. It was Saturday night, and you knew with the Kings coming to town on Tuesday the boys would definitely be celebrating their first win of the season if they came out on top tonight. You were excited, hoping they’d be able turn it around before it became a losing streak. You head up to your usual seats, walking into the family boxes with Brittany, all of the team’s significant others and families out for the first home game of the season. After finally grabbing a drink and sitting down you look down at the nice, spotting Matthew’s mop of hair buzzing around the ice.

“So anything change over the summer?” Brittany asks when she sees you looking at Matthew on the ice, a curious look on her face.

“Still best friends,” You say, shaking your head at her comment. You’d heard it a million times, about how Matthew needed to have you at his games, sitting with the rest of the team’s families or how you were always at his place or vice-versa but you assured everyone who asked that you were just friends - because you were.

“Okay but you can be best friends and date, you guys know that right?” Brittany says, trying to make you see it from her point of view.

“Britt, I really mean it, we’re just friends,” You shrug, not really in the mood to continue defending yourself. You ignore the knowing look she gives you, already knowing that her usual comeback would be asking you why you’re getting so defensive.

By the time the third period rolled around, the Flames were up 3-0 and you were sure this was going to end as a win. When the period was finally over, you headed down to the locker with Brittany to wait for Matthew to head out. 

He barreled out of the locker room, scanning the room to find you, running over and hugging you tightly, “We wonnn.”

You knew he was running on an adrenaline rush that he only ever got out of winning, “You did, are we going out tonight?”

“We are Y/N, Chucky can stay home,” You hear Sam Bennett’s voice behind you.

“Sam, what makes you assume I want to spend time with you?” You quip back before Matthew even has a chance to defend himself.

“You guys are really meant to be, you’re both cold as hell,” Sam says, shaking his head at the two of you.

You ignore Sam’s comment, turning to Matthew, “Ready to go?”

Matthew nods, leading the way to his car in the parking garage at the arena. You both slide in, you immediately grab his phone to change the music.

“You know it’s my car,” He says, already knowing you controlled the music in every car ride you took, despite who was driving.

“You know I don’t care,” You say back immediately, “Do you want to drop off your car?”

“No, you drink, I’ll just have a beer,” Matthew says, never wanting to let himself get too drunk if you were going to, afraid something might happen to you.

“But you guys won-” You start to protest only to be immediately cut off.

“But you had class all week, and don’t think I didn’t hear you stress crying after I went to bed the other night,” Matthew says, immediately shutting you up. You had a long week, and the idea of getting to go out with the safety net of Matthew taking care of you didn’t sound terrible.

“Fine, you win,” You say as you pull up to the bar you were meeting the rest of the team at. You walked in, immediately spotting Brittany and Sean from afar, walking over them wrapping Brittany in a hug.

“I’m really happy you guys are all back in town,” You say, still a little tipsy from the drinking you’d done at the game.

“Happy to see all of us, or just Chucky,” Sean says, giving you a look.

“Enough with that,” You snap, already having heard it from his girlfriend.

“Enough with what?” Matthew says, stepping behind you placing a drink in your hand.

“Nothing, Sean’s being a moron,” You say, leaning into his chest when he places a protective arm across your chest.

The rest of the night was an eventful one to say the least. You’d danced with the girls, Sam made you take more shots than a person should, and it was safe to say you were drunk to say the least. You finally walk back over to the table that Matthew was sitting at, talking to Noah.

“Matty, can you grab me another drink?” You ask, trying to convince him so you didn’t have to. You knew it wouldn’t take much and he nods and takes your empty glass without a second thought. 

Once Matthew was out of earshot, Noah turns to you, “You’ve really got him wrapped your finger.”

“Noah -” You start to defend yourself again.

“Don’t Noah me,” Noah immediately cuts you off, “Admit it, you have to see what everyone else sees.”

“You know what? I do and yes, it confuses the shit out of me but Noah, I like Matthew, a lot, but I don’t think he feels the same way about me,” Your drunken confession slips, your hand immediately covering your mouth that you actually admitted it.

Noah looks at you, eyes wide in surprise, “Oh my god, I was right?”

You start to give him a lecture about prying into your business before he cuts you off, “Your secret’s safe with me.”

You smile, “Thanks Noah.”

Matthew comes back and hands you a water despite you asking him for another drink, you roll your eyes, knowing he’s just decided to cut you off before you got messy.

“Ready to go?” You ask, sipping the water.

“Whenever you are, are you going home or staying by me?” Matthew asks and you notice Noah shaking his head at the two of you.

“Home, I need to spend my Sunday studying,” You say, leaning back into Matthew from the barstool you were sitting on.

Matthew nods, grabbing your hand and walking you back out to his car, opening the door for you to slide in. The drive back to your place was short, and you wished it was longer, admiring how the streetlights made Matthew look incredibly handsome. You knew the small crush that you’d been haboring since you met him only made it’s special guest appearance after you’d been drinking, and you were going to let it take over even just for the night. When Matthew stops in front of your building, he tosses his car into park so he can walk you to your door, even though you always insist nothing awful will probably happen to you between then and the minute elevator ride up to your floor. 

When you step in front of your door you wrap your arms around Matthew’s waist, tucking your head into his chest, “Thank you for always taking care of me.”

You feel him place a small kiss on your head, something he did often, “Anytime, get some sleep okay?”

You nod, “Text me when you’re home Matthew,” You say, using his full name to make yourself sound more serious. He laughs and heads back to the elevator while you walk into your apartment, walking into your bedroom and slipping one of Matthew’s old London Knights shirts on, passing out immediately.

November 2019

With November came an enormous amount of stress, the Flames weren’t playing up to their usual standards, losing five games on the road. Matthew was grouchy to say the least, you were always trying to cheer him up but there was only so much you could do while he was gone. You weren’t in the best mood either, the stress from school starting to build up. You’d spent more nights crying from stress in the comfort of Matthew’s empty apartment more than you’d admit to anyone, never quite feeling like you could catch up with all of your work. Which is why you were sitting on Matthew’s couch, head in your hands while you tried to finish the paper you had due at midnight when you hear him finally come home from his road trip, dropping his bag at the door with a bang, causing you to jump.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were here,” Matthew says, in a harsher tone he usually used. You could tell the losing streak was starting to get to him, his shoulders were tight, and the bags under his eyes were prominent.

“Do you not want me to be?” You say, while Matthew never complained when you were at his place, you did understand if he wanted to be alone.

“No you’re fine,” He says, “Are you going to come to my game tomorrow?” Your heart sunk, you wanted to, but you couldn’t justify spending a night at the Saddledome watching him play when you had so much work to finish before the chaos of finals started. You look at his sad eyes, afraid you might upset him if you said no.

“Matty, I have so much work I have to do, I don’t think I can,” You say, closing your eyes as if that would lessen the blow, you open one, seeing Matthew’s face crushed in front of you.

“It’s fine,” He says, the words not sounding like anything was okay at all, “We’ll just lose - again.”

“Don’t put that on me,” You defend, not wanting to feel guiltier than you are, “You miss shit in my life all the time because you’re gone.”

You regretted the words as soon as you said it. It didn’t matter if Matthew was there or not, anything important in your life, he made sure you knew he was proud of you. If it wasn’t a flood of texts, it was a bouquet of flowers to your door. He made sure you never felt like he forgot about you while he was gone, and you knew you were just acting out.

You hear Matthew sigh, a sign he was trying to keep his temper in check, “Maybe you should just go.” “I will,” You say, gathering your things and heading towards the door, turning back to him one more time, “For the record, you’ll be fine whether or not I’m there or not.”

--

You didn’t sleep that night - at all. Your mind replayed that stupid little argument you had gotten into with Matthew. You’d never actually fought with him, sure you bickered, but as soon as you’d call him out on his shit, he would let it go and that would be it. He looked so hurt by your words, and you knew you owed him an apology. You tried calling, texting, you even sent him an email, but he was ignoring you and you knew it. 

You lay on your bed, typing a paper for one of your classes while watching the Flames game, the Flames down against the Avs 3-2. You watched as Matthew got sent to the box, for the third time that evening, finally breaking his stick when he sat down. You knew he was frustrated, and you couldn’t help but feel like you might have had something to do with it. You turn the game off with five minutes left, not wanting to see Matthew’s face after they lost their sixth game in a row. You finally finish your paper, setting your laptop down and getting ready for bed. You slip into bed, ready to finally try and get some sleep when you hear Matthew’s voice from your living room, your roommate telling him that you were in bed. 

He opens your bedroom door, poking his head through, “Can I come in?”

You nod, watching as he steps into your room, still in his gameday suit. He lays down, immediately putting his head into your lap, while your hands move to play with his curls.

“I’m sorry,” You whisper, not wanting to break the silence in your room.

“You don’t need to be,” He says, “You were right - you always are.”

“Not always,” You smile, watching as his eyes close under your touch, “Do you want to stay here? We can watch a movie - whatever you want.” Matthew smiles and you knew you’d said the right thing, knowing that after a bad game it’s better to distract him until he finally opens up, “Can I have sweats?”

“Open my top drawer,” You say, “It’s mostly your clothes anyways.”

Matthew laughs, opening the dresser and realizing how many pairs of sweatpants and hoodies you’d actually stolen from him. It wasn’t your fault he has the comfiest hoodies known to man, and that he always offered them to you when it got cold. He steps into your bathroom to change, coming back out and climbing into your bed, pulling you closer to him so you could snuggle into his chest, grabbing your remote and throwing on a movie on Netlifx.

You don’t remember falling asleep, but somewhere halfway through the movie you finally knocked out for the first time in two days, wrapped up in Matthew’s arms. The two of you blocking out the noise from the outside world.

December 2019

With December comes the craziness of finals, but you weren’t about to let it stop you from celebrating Matthew’s birthday in the most ridiculous way you could think of. You’d set up a full on surprise party, using Noah as your partner in crime. The Flames were lucky enough to have a Sunday off, allowing you to have Noah keep Matthew out of his apartment all day so you could decorate. You went all out with decorations and invited everyone you knew was important to him - even having some of his friends from St. Louis fly up for the occasion. 

“I can’t believe you’re doing all of this for someone you’re not even dating,” You hear Brittany say, handing you the other half of the Happy Birthday banner you’d bought. 

“He literally flew me out to St. Louis over the summer for my birthday,” You say, “I think the least I could do is throw a party.”

Brittany shakes her head at you, distracted by Sean carrying in drinks before she could make a comment about how you spent your birthday with Matthew and his family. You greeted all of the guests as they arrived, waiting for Noah’s text that him and Matthew were on their way. Once you got the text, you had everyone hide out, shutting off all of the lights. You hear them come up the hallway, opening the door to Matthew’s place. You all jump out and yell surprise, promptly scaring the birthday boy. He smiles at you, knowing you were the only person who wanted to make a big deal out his birthday in the first place.

“Thank you,” He says, stepping over to you after he greets everyone at the party.

“How did you know it was me?” You joke, “It could’ve been Sam.”

“Because when I told you I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday, you proceeded to tell me that’s fine,” Matthew says, “and I know you were lying.”

You laugh, he was always able to tell whether or not you were lying from your body language alone. It made it easier to just tell him how you were feeling, even if you didn’t want to.

The party was dwindling down by the time you saw Matthew again, his body swaying indicating that he was definitely drunk. You laugh, getting the last groups of guests to head out so you could clean up and get Matthew to bed.

Once you shut the door, pushing Sam and Noah out while they made jokes about you and Matthew walking down the hallway, you turn around to see Matthew grabbing himself a water.

“Alright birthday boy, let’s get you to bed,” you say, trying to move his much larger frame into his bedroom. You’d only ever had to do it once before, a night out after the Flames clinched their playoff spot last season that ended in Matthew puking outside of the bar, and you were sore from trying to haul him to bed.

“Will you stay?” He says when you finally get him to sit on his bed.

“I mean, I planned on it,” you say, gesturing to your bag that was in it’s usual spot in his guest room.

“No in here,” He argues back, crossing his arms like a child. You knew you shouldn’t give in, and you knew climbing into bed with him was only going to make that small crush worse, the crush already growing from the last time you’d slept in the same bed as him. 

You sigh, walking over to his dresser to grab him some clothes, tossing them over to him, “I’m just going to go change.”

You walk across the hall to his guest room, slipping out of the jeans you’d been wearing and throwing on a pair of shorts and one of Matthew’s t-shirts. You tossed your hair in a bun, opening the door to Matthew’s room, seeing him in bed waiting for you. You smile, sliding into bed and cuddling yourself into Matthew’s chest as soon as you laid down.

“Thank you for the party,” Matthew whispers, hands twirling the ends of your hair.

“I told you, it wasn’t me,” You joke, finally letting sleep take over you.

January 2020

When Matthew got voted into the All Star Game, you made sure to tell him an obnoxious amount of time. You also insisted on blaring “All Star” by Smash Mouth in his apartment for an entire week before he told you he was going to take his spare key back if you didn’t stop. What you didn’t expect, was for him to insist you at least came for the actual weekend of the game. But once you found out that Brady was also playing in the game, you decided you should probably make the trip down.

You arrived Friday morning, Matthew making some time in the craziness of the weekend to pick you up from the airport, having you stay with him at his parent’s house. You arrive in the mass chaos of the Tkachuk household, his mom scrambling to get everything ready for the party they planned on having after the game on Saturday. You set your bag down, immediately running into the kitchen to see Brady and Taryn.

“Matt, you can leave now,” Brady says, wrapping you in a tight hug, “We’d much rather have Y/N here.” You laugh, missing the dynamic of seeing Matthew around his family. He was always more relaxed when he was with his family, even though he’d never admit that he actually did miss them during the season.

“Brady she’s my best friend,” Matthew says, grabbing your hand and pulling you into his chest.

“To be fair, I like Taryn more than both of you,” You mutter between the bickering boys.

You spend your Friday running around with Matthew’s mom, helping her with the party as much as you could. You enjoyed your time with her, knowing that it made Matthew happy to see how much his parents like having you around. Friday and Saturday seem like a blur, the craziness of the All Star Game taking over. You spent most of the time with Taryn and the rest of Matthew’s family that came to town, many of whom you’d met the last time the Sens came into town. You finally arrive back at the Tkachuk’s Matthew riding the high from winning the actual game.

Once the party was in full swing you were dragged around the house by Matthew, introducing you to players he’s played with in the past. You had a long conversation with Mitch Marner, who you found out Matthew actually played with when he played for the London Knights. You spent the night of some of the best athletes in the world and you couldn’t help but wonder why Matthew kept you around when he kept company like his friends who played around the league.

You step in Matthew’s bedroom, trying to take a moment for yourself. You look in the mirror, and sigh, just not sure of why you were there in the first place. It didn’t happen much anymore, but every once in a while the thoughts of not being good enough found themselves creeping in your mind. You couldn’t help it, as your hands started to shake, you heard the door open and Matthew step into his room.

“You alright?” He asks, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Why are you friends with me?” You ask harshly.

“What’s this about Y/N?” He asks, confused at your tone.

“I mean, you just, all of the people in your life are these accomplished athletes and are insanely good at what they do, and for some reason you choose to spend all of your time with someone who cries every time they get too stressed out,” You rant out, worried about how Matthew would react to what you were saying. You’d never let him in on this part of you, the part that’s doubtful and scared that one mistake could ruin everything you’ve ever worked for.

You feel Matthew grab your hand, pulling you down to sit on the bed. He kneels in front of you, wiping away the stray tear that had fallen, “I don’t want to spend my time with anyone besides you, please don’t ever think differently. You’re funny and smart and you care about every person in your life even if they don’t deserve it. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want you to feel like this ever.” You smile, trying to hide the butterflies you feel in your stomach when Matthew’s thumb grazes your cheeks to try and calm you down.

“Do you want to stay in here and hangout for the rest of the night, just the two of us?” Matthew whispers, not wanting to break the comfortable silence between you two.

You nod, climbing into his bed and waiting for him to join you, putting on a movie and pulling you into his arms. You knew there was a giant party going on outside of those four walls of Matthew’s childhood bedroom, but nothing could be better than laying in his arms just the two of you.

February 2020

After the All Star Game, you threw yourself into your schoolwork knowing Matthew was headed on a two week road trip. You’d spent the two weeks catching up on an enormous amount of work, so you wouldn’t have to worry about it once Matthew finally got back to Calgary. You were grabbing a coffee before your class, when your phone rang in your pocket - Matthew’s caller ID appearing on the screen.

“Helllllo,” You answer, excited to hear his voice - even if it was just over the phone.

“Hey, do you have plans for Valentine’s Day?” He asks.

“I do not,” you say, knowing for a fact Matthew knew you didn’t.

“We have this Flames gala thing and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?” He asks, and you can hear Johnny and Sam chirping him in the background.

“Matthew, that’s in like two days!” You say, scolding him for not asking you sooner so you could find a dress.

“I know, I just kind of forgot about asking you, I told the team I was taking you though,” He defends, knowing he said he was bringing a date before he even bothered to ask you.

“Yes I will go, but please remember to give me some WARNING next time,” You sigh into the phone, “Now if you’ll let me go, I need to go find a dress.”

“I keep an extra card in my nightstand, use it,” Matthew says, “And before you say no, consider it a gift for not killing me for telling you last minute.”

Initially you laugh, knowing Matthew kept an extra debit card in his apartment because he lost his more frequently than a normal person should, but once his words settled in you began the usual protest you gave him when it came to money, “Matthew…” you start, ready to explain to him that you don’t need him spending ridiculous amounts of money on you.

“Y/N, just take it,” He says, “I’m really too tired for this one.”

You sigh, “Fine, but this is the last time.” “Whatever you say, I’ll tell Brittany to make sure you use it,” He says, and you knew he wasn’t kidding, “Bye.”

You mutter a goodbye back, texting Brittany that you were in dire need of an emergency shopping experience before the Gala on Friday. She laughed when you called, already having received a text from Matthew to make sure that she made you use his card.

The night of the gala you head to Matthew’s, carrying your dress and all of the things you knew you would need to get ready, tossing them in his guest room when you arrive. You head into the bathroom, promptly starting with your makeup when you heard him get in from the rink, yelling about how he was going to shower and heading into his room. You finally set your hair into loose curls and start to step into your dress. The off the shoulder black dress stopped right above your knees and fit you like a glove. Brittany didn’t even tell you how much is cost, grabbing it and paying for it on Matthew’s card before you could even look. But, the way it made you feel outweighed the guilt you felt. You slip on the nude heels you chose to wear, and call Matthew in to help clasp your necklace.

“Wow,” He says, stepping behind you, fastening the necklace to your neck, “You look beautiful.”

“Thanks Matty,” You say, turning out to take in the suit he was wearing. When you told him you decided to get something black, he was excited having had a dark maroon suit in his closet he wanted to wear, “You look alright I guess.” “I look alright?” He asks, lightly tickling at your sides, “You’re such a brat.”

You laugh, “You look super handsome, happy?”

He nods, grabbing your hand and leading you out to his car. The Gala was in full swing when you arrived, the room filled with his teammates, fans, and other important people in the city.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” You hear Noah’s voice behind you while Matthew was over having a conversation with one of the team’s trainers who was at the event.

“What Noah?” You ask, ready for the comment about Matthew taking you as his date.

“You look like that and Chucky still won’t lock you down? He’s really dumber than I thought,” Noah says, gesturing to you.

“Don’t you have a date you should be complimenting?” You say back, knowing Noah had brought some girl to the event, even though they were never around long.

“Not one that looks as good as you,” Noah says, “So, still got that little crush.”

“Yes and I’m done talking about it,” You say, watching Noah’s hands go up in defeat as Matthew steps behind you.

“Do you want to dance?” Matthew asks, ignoring the face Noah was giving him for being so gentle with you.

You nod, grabbing his hand and following him out to the dancefloor. You place your arms around his neck while his move to your hips, swaying to the music. You look behind you, seeing Noah smirking at the two of you while dancing with his own date. You throw up your middle finger, not letting Matthew notice. The two of you spend the night with each other, dancing and having Matthew introduce you to a lot of people who were working in the front office with the team that you’d never met before. You couldn’t help but feel like something was changing between the two of you, especially when he kept his hand on your lower back while walking through the gala, or his hand gently stroking your thigh while you guys sat at your table.

March 2020

You never talked about how you spent your Valentine’s Day romantically slow dancing with your best friend at a Gala his team was throwing after that night. You couldn’t tell if thing’s had actually changed between the two of you, or if it was a result of the romantic atmosphere. Thing’s with Matthew had returned back to the normal routine, with the Flames in the middle of their playoff push, Matthew was around less, spending more and more time at the rink. You understood, taking the time to spend some time with your friends that weren’t him.

You finally both had a day off, deciding that you’d head over to his place to cook the both of you dinner. You arrive at his place before he does, placing your bags down and getting straight to cooking. You hear him come in, humming at the smells of the food.

“Hey stranger,” He says, joking about the fact that you haven’t been spending as much time together as you usually did.

“Oh please, you talked to me about your practice today on the phone for an hour, you’re hardly starved for attention,” You say, calling him out for being dramatic.

“I need all of your attention or I might actually die,” He says, wrapping you in a hug, “So what’s been up with you?” “Same old same old, this guy from my class asked me out on a date, I haven’t told him yes or no,” You shrug, moving back to cooking dinner.

“No,” He says, instantly, and you turn off the oven, turning around to face him.

“No?” You ask.

“I mean- uh- fuck,” He stutters, “You can’t go on a date with that guy I’m sure you’re too good for him.”

You roll your eyes, crossing your arms, “Matthew I know you live in a world where you don’t want me to get hurt, but I can’t not date because you don’t want me to.”

“I know, I just-” He starts before you cut him off.

“You what Matthew? Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn’t go out with this guy,” You snap back.

“Because I want you to date me,” He says quietly, “I wanted this to be better, you deserve it to be perfect, but I love you so much, and I can’t keep denying it any longer. I love when you spend all of your time here because I love spending time with you. I love that you get along with my teammates, and my family. I love when you get dressed up to go out, because I get to walk around with the most beautiful girl in the world under my arm. I was just terrified you didn’t feel the same way and that you’d hate me. Then when we were dancing at the Gala it felt different, like you were as into me as I’m into you.”

You uncross your arms, walking around the island to stand in front of him, placing your arms around his neck, “That might have been the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life.” “Really? Cause I think I could do better-” Matthew starts, but you cut him off by pressing your lips to his. His hands move to cup your face, kissing you back slowly, the two of you melt into each other like you’d been made for each other all along.

“I love you too,” You mutter against his lips, feeling him smile.

“You’re not gonna go on that date right?” He whispers, leaning his forehead against yours.

You laugh, “No, there’s only person I want taking me out on a date,” you joke, placing another kiss to his lips.

“Sounds like a lucky guy,” Matthew jokes back, kissing you again, solidifying how truly right it feels to finally be together.

#matthew tkachuk #matthew tkachuk imagine #my writing #nhl imagine #nhl imagines

[bqstqnbruin]

3 with josty!!

Happy blurb weekend!

I'm 90% sure that @slapshot-to-the-heart came up with this one but honestly she came up with so many idk which ones I listened to her for and which ones I didn't so I'm gonna tag K anyway

Tagging: @besthockeyfics @justjosty @glassdanse @calgarycanuck @nhlboyshavemyhart88 @stlbluesbrat21 @dembenchboys @heybarzy @annedub @stars-canucks @beauvibaby

3. “I’ll always be by your side.”

Word Count: 358

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You knew the rumors bothered Tyson. He had been getting criticism his entire professional career, that he got called up from North Dakota too early, that he wasn’t performing the way he should have been a first round draft pick, that he wasn’t performing in general being in the National Hockey League. He loved playing for the Avalanche, but the more trade rumors swirled around, the more nervous he got that his days with the team would be numbered.

“Tyson, I told you, stop reading those stupid blogs,’ you tell him, trying to tak his phone from him. “Literally all of them are fat white men who have never set foot on ice who have no authority over who gets traded and who doesn’t.”

“I know, I know,” he groans, putting his phone face down on the table in front of him instead. “I just, fuck, it still gets to me.”

You put your hand on his leg, giving his thigh a gentle squeeze while he covers his face with his hands. “I know. But their words mean nothing. You’re a great player. You’ve been having the best season of your career so far. The Avs would be dumb to trade you.”

“But what if one season isn’t enough?”

“Then you get traded and we live somewhere else.”

Tyson looks up from his hands, a confused look on his face. “We?”

“Would you not want me to come with you?” you ask him, fearing that this conversation was about to get really awkward, really fast.

“No, of course I would. I didn’t think you would want to. I thought that if I got traded, that would mean we would have to break up.”

You smile at him, reaching up and touching his cheek. “I’ll always be by your side. You’re stuck with me.”

Tyson sighs, pulling you close to him so you were resting your head on his shoulder. “Yeah, I don’t think I could get rid of you even if I tried, could I?”

“Are you implying that you want to get rid of me?”

“Depends on how annoying you get,” he jokes.

“Oh, just you wait.”

#tyson jost #tyson jost imagines #blurb weekend 521 #colorado avalanche #colorado avalanche imagines #i think i've used that gif already but i dont care at this point

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

okay so i’ve been going crazy these past few days. all about cockles/jensmish and obsessively watching their panels or reading the transcripts BECAUSE. THEY ARE LOUD. LIKE. i saw some fancams on twt and i thought people were just exaggerating but noooooooooo!!!???? so, getting to the point. you said that how do we know that jensen is performing masculinity? because jared isn’t and THAT IS A BIG BRAIN MOMENT. ON POINT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. a particular moment from gag reel that jumps out (which you’ve talked about) when jensen goes ‘cas, you are my baby daddy’ and misha goes, ‘i know i love you too’ and jensen goes, ‘i didn’t say i love you’ and misha goes, ‘i know you wanted to’ and jensen says, ‘i love you’ WHAT THE FUCK! that was NOT a joke. yes, people took it as a joke and had a good laugh BUT I HAVE WATCHED IT TOO MANY TIMES AND IT LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A PERFORMANCE. THAT WAS JENSEN. THAT WAS MISHA. jensen has a had trouble with the pda and being all touch feely (the breakup theory) and he gradually grew into it, accepted it and misha was right there all along, never pushed it. it was like a deancas au but tbh, 99% of destiel is because of cockles and we all know it. i just. jensen has latched onto dean as an emotional support because he tunes with it. understands it. projects on to it. yeah, i just had to say it and get it off my chest. (and what about those poetry pages on instagram? alma? what is your opinion?) btw, you have a lovely blog and your analysis are right on target.

so there is a LOT i’m going to address here(how dare you bring up [gunshot] i HAVE to talk about it now) so again!!!! under a cut it goes but i hope you appreciate my rambles anon it seems like you do :,)

1. jared vs. jensen and performing masculinity. hell yeah man. jared and jensen are both just ‘guys from texas’ but they are still so vastly different. today i actually had a revelation that i’m pretty sure has to do with me being bi. and it’s that i have a group of straight friends(that i love dearly but they care too much about hockey and pitbull imo could not be me) and i have a group of queer friends(who are also batshit[affectionate]). and it’s like whichever group i hang out with a different side of me emerges? they’re both me, it’s just that certain aspects of who i am as a person only surface depending on who i am around. however, i will say i feel like i watch what i say around my straight friends more. i see that very clearly in jensen as well. around jared during panels and on set, he’s definitely putting on an air of machismo and engages in typical guy talk. i do think an element of it is performative, because he wants validation from jared that they’re still just two dudes from texas taking on the world together despite his sexual identity. does that make any sense??? i hope so. but when he’s with misha he is an entirely different person and his sense of humour becomes wildly different. the machismo fades away, he’s way less caught up in what people think about him, lets his guard down, etc. to go back to my original point which is how j2 are different in that regard....jared does not do this. he is a constant. he does not flip a switch between ‘performing masculinity’ and ‘not’ because he isn’t performing any part of who he is. he just IS. so yeah these two are similar in many regards but there’s somewhat of a dissonance between them when it comes to how they perform masculinity because one of them is putting on a show and the other is merely being.

2. that crypt scene blooper(here just in case you need to see it again. do it. as a treat.) when i tell you i have easily seen this over thirty times??? since it first came out??? i mean it. it is such an overlooked(r*mantic) moment and it means so much more than people think it does. i’ve talked about the context behind it, and i think that’s why this blooper was so meaningful, so i’ll mention it again. jensen and misha had a LOT of trouble with this scene. the reason is that jensen couldn’t wrap his head around why dean would be saying these things, if i remember correctly, and both of them sat down and scoured over how they should play it for a while before filming(teamwork ;) teammates *ahem*). [to be honest we all know why jensen had a hard time with that scene and it is because it is blatantly romantic. rip to him but i would simply give in to it at that point but oh well] so anyway, their heads were scattered going into shooting, which is NEVER a good headspace to be in for a scene, ESPECIALLY not a pivotal one. but they had each other to help them through said weird energy on set that couldn’t possibly have invoked the best feelings, especially considering jensen STILL doesn’t think he played that correctly(but he praised misha on his performance :,) ). and with that context every single part of that video hits haRD 

-’stop pulling my face towards your crotch’ i think this is objectively hilarious because it really really looks like jensen is pulling HIMSELF towards misha’s crotch. again, you’re fooling no one, jensen. misha’s wheezing laugh and the way he wraps himself around jensen is also,,,sweet??? like i don’t know how else to describe how i see it but this moment really reads as jensen, in his weird ‘constructing elaborate rituals’ way is asking for security through a physical touch from misha and he happily obliges and gives jensen what he needs. because i mean...watch it again. jensen ‘fights back’, but not really at all, actually. pretty wimpy counterattack. he literally lets himself be smothered by misha, and i would literally describe what they end up doing as cuddling. 

-’i need you, cas. you’re my baby daddy’ i love having an actor’s perspective on things bc i think i can explain what’s going on here. jensen just delivered what was(in his own mind) a rotten take of the lines he’s most scared of delivering. so the scene was already messed up. therefore; ensuing fuckery is warranted to help him feel better. but there’s also for sure more than meets the eye for what he says here because of misha’s reaction after??? like he seemed genuinely touched. first of all, he’s saying ‘you’re my baby daddy’ as half-jensen, but not necessarily dean either(because he didn’t say the previous lines as true to his character...you get it), to misha, not cas. i think i’ve made this point before, but every single innuendo in the gag reels is to misha specifically, never once cas. therefore; logical conclusion: ‘you’re my baby daddy’ was for misha and it meant something deeper than we think because of what follows it

-this part. jensen’s giddy ass smile after he sees misha crack and then misha says ‘yeah, i know’ (can i just say his voice when he says this is so intimate???? like am i intruding guys??? sorry i’ll let myself out) also he is smiling SO BIG

- ‘i know’ ‘why are you laughing?’ ‘no i know i love you too’ this analysis is already so long but i still want to get into what THAT whole exchange means. ‘why are you laughing?’ to me sounds like jensen’s pretending to be affronted by misha laughing at something that is serious. and it’s serious because he quite literally meant ‘i love you’. he did. misha knows it. misha’s really REALLY good at cutting the bs and just getting to what people are actually trying to say. he has an innate sharpness to his sense of humour. so yes, misha is being 100% accurate when he says ‘i know, but you wanted to say it.’ misha isn’t lying here. jensen did want and mean to say ‘i love you’. and then he actually does say it(in a jokey way but not really). 

- so yeah. it is actually so romantic??? like in a weird way jensen was professing his love for misha here?????? and that’s why this clip will NEVER. ever. get old. 

3. jensen having trouble with pda and projecting onto dean: we can all call ourselves dean coded cas girls but NO one deserves that title more than jensen ackles himself. he is dean winchester but marginally less repressed because he actually did admit he was in love with his best friend and let himself be happy, and pretty early on too. one year and two months as opposed to twelve years. so. happy deancas au is correct. and yes about the pda thing: one day i want to write my own post about both of their body language when it comes to each other, but all i can tell is jensen, even in the early days, couldn’t help himself from flirting with misha, but if misha ever crossed a line, jensen would not be happy. clearly he’s come around, however. what i find sweet is that misha always follows jensen’s lead when it comes to how much affection they’re allowed to show each other onstage. it touches my soul

4. destiel is cockles fault. yeah. and the thing is everyone knows it, too. even non-cockles shippers will explain early destiel as entirely dependant on jensen and misha’s wild chemistry. and that chemistry is easily explained by the fact that misha and jensen are literally just wildly horny bisexuals who were crazily attracted to one another and were falling in love on screen before our very eyes. and when you have THAT insider info(which sounds cray doesn’t it!!!! the destiel actors are in love irl??? huh???) everything really does click into place. why destiel got SO popular when the show and actors never ever intended for it to happen.(i know some people think misha was playing cas as gay the whole time for shits and giggles, and i won’t deny that[especially considering he found out early on that destiel was why he was staying on the show], but i don’t think he really wanted it to amount to anything, nor did he care??? i mean he has the real thing with jensen, for one, so their characters aren’t really as important. for two, he loves joking about destiel because it’s a cultural phenomenon and it’s fascinating, and i’m sure he did ship it because he’s unhinged, but i don’t think it was vastly important to him either way.) destiel got popular because everyone was and is unintentionally reading into the real deal. i could pull up countless gifs that people have used as destiel proof that is actually just jensen and misha being messy. mainly jensen. if i’m being honest.  the symbiotic relationship between destiel and cockles is why i’ve stayed onboard the destielcule and shellerscape for three solid months now; because it is utterly fascinating to witness and kind of super beautiful, too. 

5. alma(and others). so. i do NOT want to really REALLY get into this in its entirety here and now so i will just give you my opinion on if i think alma is misha or not. also; i don’t want to mention the other poetry accounts here bc i feel like that’s a bigger breach in privacy, but a lot of people do know about alma now. way too many, actually. this is why we can’t have nice things. anyway-to answer your question-there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that yes, misha is running that alma poetry account. i am 100% certain. some people think it’s actually three people and they’re all connected to misha in some way but that is so needlessly complicated. as it goes in psychology; the easiest explanation is probably the right one. it’s just one person running that account, and it is misha collins. i don’t know why it’s so hard to believe KNOWN POET misha collins(who is known to spend most of his free time writing poetry anyway) would have created a secret poetry account to write about his intense secret relationship under an alias and also get legitimate feedback since no one used to know it was him. oh and the handwriting is identical??? you are blind if you do not see that i am sorry. and a million other things prove it’s misha too but yeah all you need to know is yes. it’s him. it would take a literal livestream from a random woman on that account to convince me otherwise. and honestly not even that because a random woman could technically still log in if misha asked her too. so. it would take a hell of a lot to convince me otherwise, clearly. that said DO NOTTTTTTTTTTTT GO ONTO THAT ACCOUNT WITH A SUPERNATURAL RELATED USERNAME AND COMMENT THINGS THAT ARE COCKLES RELATED. ARE YOU BRAIN DEAD WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT’S OKAY. sorry i got heated but god please just don’t be dumb so many people have already gone way too far 

6. thank you for your lovely compliment on my analyses!!! i love doing them but i don’t know if people actually like reading them so i really appreciate it

#liz answers #cockles ask #mini analysis #spec #mine

[welllpthisishappening]

Newbie here for all the hockey and Captain Swan nonsense (and pretty much everything else on your blog!) Can I request either "bloody kiss" or "a hoarse whisper “kiss me”"? Also, I definitely am interested in what Big Bang you just completed!

Hi, hello, welcome to this nonsense! You can absolutely request both of those things and I can semi fill those prompts with far more words than I was planning on writing. Eventually, maybe these prompts won’t all be canon, but that’s apparently the vibe we’re riding right now. Everyone else is welcome to partake in the aforementioned nonsense of this blog and the kiss prompts extravaganza so I don’t keep shouting about the book I finished this morning. It was real dumb. Like, super dumb. Anyway, here’s some making out. 

“You know I could hear you?”

He doesn’t hear. Her. Emma. Almost hears. Words filter through a haze that appears to finally be catching up with Killian, eyelids fluttering and pulse steadying and he imagines a lot of that has to do with the placement of her fingers. Trailing across his forehead and just above one of his eyebrows, studying him with a sort of intensity that he knows only she has. 

Fiancée. She’s his fiancée, again. 

Even the thought makes his heart feel as if it’s going to beat its way out of his chest. Explode, possibly. That would be rather violent though. Could ruin the moment, as it were. 

“When was that, exactly?” 

He mumbles. Barely moves his lips. Can only manage to crack open one of his eyes and it’s not the one with the eyebrow Emma appears so intent on memorizing. Not that he’s especially opposed to the memorization. Of his eyebrow or any other part of him, not after another involuntary and far too long separation and he hopes Blackbeard drowns. 

Somewhere off the coast of Neverland. 

None of those mermaids are particularly merciful. In Killian’s experience, at least. 

“Couple days ago,” Emma says, “the chest started talking.”

He opens the other eye. “Be more specific.”

“You’ve got an exceptionally dirty mind.”

“Chose your words more carefully then,” he challenges, but there’s no real heat behind his words. Not that way, at least. “Do you think we’re winning now?”

“In the non-existent True Love race?”

Smiling as widely and as suddenly as Killian does threatens the structural integrity of his cheeks. Both of them. Muscles strain from lack of use and recent frown-like tendencies, and furrowing his brow even a little bit sends a flash of pain through all of him. Gods, but he’s tired. And strangely comfortable. Stretched across sheets that apparently boast a rather high thread count, though he’s still a little shaky as to what, exactly that is, and even less sure it really matters, not when her fingers are so soft and his heart continues to do that erratic beating thing and—“Last I heard your mind-reading powers were a little suspect, witch.”

“I don’t think we’ve reached the insult portion of the evening.”

He chuckles. Keeps smiling. Doesn’t even consider pulling her fingers down. Despite the growing need to kiss directly beneath her ring for as long as she’ll allow. “Let me know when we get there, aye? And yes, I do believe we are. Winning, that is. Underworld challenges, magical doors fueled by magical flowers. Am I missing anything?’

“Sucks we didn’t get a rainbow kiss.”

“Perhaps that’s waiting in the wings. Of romance and whatnot.”

Listening to her laugh is his favorite thing in the world. Bar none. The way it flutters out of her occasionally, like she’s still a little surprised that it happens and Killian used to worry about that. Not anymore; not now, certainly. Now, he wants to keep surprising Emma. Wants to be surprised. To never grow entirely complacent or completely content. Although, he’s awfully close to content now. If he’s being honest. 

Piracy often frowns upon complete honesty. 

“Maybe,” Emma concedes, “and you’re not letting me tell my story.” “You’ve got very distracting fingers, that’s why.”

She rolls her eyes. Keeps tracing and it’s wonderful and comforting and—

Killian hisses. Grits his teeth before he can completely school his features, which makes Emma’s expression twist almost immediately and he’s not interested in that. Unless the twist is coming from the precise way her hips tend to buck when she’s beneath him. As it is, her eyes widen and his breath catches and she pulls her fingers away. From the gash he’d almost forgotten was on his forehead. 

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” she chants, but he’s already moving, and using the hook he’d removed hours ago to tear off a corner of the shirt he also should have taken off is not quite as simple as he’d like. Takes a moment for him to get any worthwhile fabric off, dragging it immediately across Emma’s blood-stained fingertips. 

“Stop that. Apologizing does not become you, Your Highness.”

“That’s stupid.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for.”

Her eyes widen. More. To an almost comical size, catching Killian off guard because he means those words as well. The syllables, too. Down to each letter and each sound that rolls off his tongue and he’d like to use his tongue for a variety of other things, but this feels important and a line they can’t come back from, and Emma’s magic surges. Jumps over him in a way that feels as much like a blanket as a semi-aggressive wave and he supposes there’s something in that contradiction. To the way he feels and the way they are and a True Love competition that absolutely does not exist. 

He knows he’s not bleeding anymore. Neither one of them move the fabric from her fingers. 

“I’m sorry,” Emma repeats on a whisper, shaking her head before Killian can so much as open his mouth to object, “for not thinking and not trusting and I—well, maybe the shell phone was another True Love sign. That puts us at three, at least. Definitely winning.”

Heart explosion does not hurt nearly as much as Killian expects. And his heart’s been yanked and squeezed and used against him, more often than he thinks is average. Even in this realm. So he’s got plenty to compare it to. Only now—well, he doesn’t think his heart is actually bursting and he cares less about the realm than the people in. About the flash of golden hair he noticed well before his eyes met hers and he knows he’ll think about the way she stumbled over her own feet in a magical doorway every single night for the rest of his already far-too-long life.  

He only cares about her. That’s the point, he supposes. 

“I love you too,” Emma says, answering a message from several days earlier. “How did you hit your head, by the way?”

“Blackbeard is a noted bastard.”

“God, fuck that guy.”

Scoffing is not laughing, but weariness is creeping back beneath his skin and Emma’s lips quirk up all the same. He’s staring, that’s how he notices. Unabashedly, so. And it’s entirely possible she’s blushing. “That’s the spirit, aye. You really could hear me?”

“Yeah. It’s, uh—there was tear magic involved, apparently, so I guess you couldn’t hear me?” She doesn’t mean for it to come out as a question. Killian knows. Shakes his head anyway. “Right, right, yeah, I figured, and I...well, I knew you wouldn’t leave, too. Even when I wanted you to have left.”

“You wanted me to have left?”

“That sounds shit, that’s not—” Emma’s nose bumps his. There’s not much room between them. So, he kisses her fingers. Makes sense. Plus, he doesn’t have much space to do anything else. “That’s not what I mean, not really. If you left, then it was just...another failure, you know. Would have made it easier to shove into the corner, try not to think about it because I could say I always knew it would happen, or I expected it. But that’s as shit as advertised and I know you’d never do that and I don’t want you to do that, don’t want you to leave, not again or ever and—”

“I think you should kiss me,” Killian interrupts. Gruffer than he’d like, and he’s not capable of magic anymore. Can’t rip hearts out of chests or threaten them with anything more than this realm’s poor food options, but he’s fairly certain the golden-haired woman lying impossibly close to him on these ridiculously soft sheets is all too aware that she already holds his heart in both her hands. And he can’t think of anywhere else he’d rather it be. 

She moves. All arms and feet, fingers in his hair and mouth slamming into him, catching his gasp and his groan in equal measure while he tosses the goddamn hook on the floor. It falls with a clatter that draws laughter out of both of them and makes it easier to pull Emma against his chest, Killian already shifting onto his back while his tongue manages to accomplish at least a few of the things it would like to. 

Nails scratch and hips do, in fact, buck. Desperately searching for a rhythm and tearing a bit more at clothes he’s willing to burn eventually. There’s no rainbow. No swelling or invisible orchestra, save for the roar between Killian’s ears, but he can’t bring himself to worry and finds it ridiculous to care. 

He knows. Emma knows. The goddamn magical door knew. And his message got back, even if it wasn’t perfect. To her, just like he did. 

For as long as they both should live.

#cs ff #kissing prompts #really the plan was not for these all to be canon #or for them to get longer #but let's not act like that's surprising #also very nice anon: my big bang is bellarke! #it's a beauty and the beast AU #it is also ridiculously long #that's not surprsiing either #really #because of who i am...like as a person #anonymous #laura rambles

[lovelyfeetbyagnes]

Decided to share my ED story here.

I don’t remember the exact age I started obsessing with food. But I do remember being bullied for my weight when I was like 10. My parents comforted me and told me I will grow up from the weight I had and I trusted them.

But when I was 13-14, I was still bigger than every girl around me. Everyone was tiny, cute, their bones showing. And I was the girl who had curves (but no boobs). My doctor started to call me on my weight and made me workout. And at that point I felt the euphoria from losing weight and getting the approvals from others. “Wow, your legs look skinnier!”

It was the time I first started reading pro ana blogs and created an illusion in my mind, that eating an apple a day is normal. That fasting all day seems legit. I remember how ED prevention was a big thing in my country and we actually went to seminars to get scared of ED and never start. But I idolized the girls on portraits they showed us. I craves what they had. Safe to say, I wouldn’t say I had a problem, because I thought I am way too fat to say I got ED.

On high school it all just got deeper. The girls in my class started obsessing of losing weight or keeping the weight and we all started dieting. It was the fat eating soup diet, the milk diet. I managed to keep my weight for four years, but all of sudden my grandmother died. I was devastated and started binging to eat away the sadness. And I gained 20 kilos in a months.

I started to get bullied again and that’s when I decided I would lose as much as possible in two months. I lost almost half of it, but still got bullied. And I continued. Soon I wasn’t even eating in school and simply said I did at home, while I only had PB with banana and crackers for breakfast and a salad with feta cheese for dinner and incredibly lots of workout in betweem.

I remember working out religiously, I’d do one hour of aerobic, then some blogilates workout and then I’d go on walk with my dog. It was my mission to shrink.

Soon, people started noticing I was becoming tiny. Guys looked at me, the bullying nearly stopped. But as ED was eating off my brain, I started to get depression, suicidal thoughts. I can’t believe I spend my skinny days being sad.

I would stop eating eventually around Christmas, I remember living off coke zero and clementines. Crying over Christmass dinner and feeling like throwing up.

It was confusing, but I was driven to lose even more. I wanted to fit in two size smaller dress. I went to my years’ prom, and just wanted to be as small as possible. Eventually the day of trying dress with my friend came. I tried first dress, it fell down off my body - not even my hips could catch the fabric. I was shocked, because they fit me few years ago. I tried another one, but I could swim in them as well. I didn’t see myself skinny. I saw a whale who failed to lose weight to the dress I wanted to wear (it was 25 centimeters off my back).

My friend asked to try the dress I bought. I was petrified to do so. And they fit. I reached the goal I gave myself. I fit in two size smaller dress. And.. it wasn’t enough.

I remember not eating the entire day of the prom and then going to my friends, asking them to lie to the guy I went with. Of course he asked in front of them if I’ve eaten anything.

And so it went for another couple of months, until I went to London. I gained some weight here and decided to recover.

I knew what I did wasn’t healthy, I knew I had to stop starving myself. And it went well, but soon enough I started binging, buying so much food and then eating it all in one day. I was losing my confidence, I was gaining weight.

I dont think I looked fat now, but I definitely felt ugly. And so I decided to lose weight with sports and started playing hockey. I didnt manage to control my binge, but at least I spent 3 times a week at ice, five times a week at gym. I was working out hard and I wasn’t gaining weight. It did fuck up my mind, because I wasnt happy. At any given oppurtunity I abused drugs and alcohol or went to McDonalds and started binging. I would use laxatives and I’d try to throw up. And then, after drug abuse episode, I got injury during a tournament. I couldn’t go to gym. I couldn’t go on ice and all was left was food.

And I started gaining weight, rapidly. All the years I spent starving, I would lose back. Until I had another anorectic episode. I got to the point I would be prescribed antidepressants for bulimics, so I wouldnt gain weight after using them. And I wasn’t necessarily bulimic.

And here we are. At my highest weight. After binging and letting myself go, I am third week on 1300 kcal diet. Trying to be active and not overthink what I eat. But yeah, here is me - relapsing. And honestly with ed it was the only time I looked as I always wanted. It is so sad to admit it out loud.

And as it is not just me, but I got married. And honestly need to hide my non eating better.

#bulimja #thinsppi #tw #weightloss #anorexja #ana #nia #mia #pro ana #proana #pro an #pro mia #promia

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Oblivious

Characters: Spencer Reid x Reader, Penelope Garcia, Derek Morgan

Word Count: 1,464

Warnings: just fluff, drunk!reader, caring!spencer

Request by anon: Cinco de Mayo challenge request is Reid and Reader have margaritas after work.

Summary: You and Spencer go get drinks after work on Cinco De Mayo.

Squares Filled: fireman carry for @fluffbingo // opposites attract for @cmbingo

Author’s Note: Pretend that Cinco De Mayo fell on a Friday this year instead of a Tuesday. If you have any requests, please send them in! this is unbeta’d and every mistake is all on me.

Feedback the glue that holds my writing together

Tags at the bottom

“So, who’s ready to party?” you ask as soon as you step foot into the office.

It’s been a long and grueling case, so the best thing for you and your mental health is to head to the bar and have a few drinks to unwind. The rest of the team groans in response, but you just chuckle and head straight to your desk.

“Sorry, guys, but Will and the boys need me. The kids have been sick all week, so I’m going to see if I can’t take over for the weekend,” JJ explains as she heads to her office.

“Send my love!” you call out.

“All I can think about is my bed, sweet cheeks,” Penelope apologizes.

The rest of the group rejects going out with you to a bar, and your spirit died down just a little. You don’t want to go alone, but you do need this outlet right now. The only person who hasn’t said anything is Spencer, and you look at him to see him staring at you. You quickly look away with a shake of your head.

“That’s fine. I’ll just go home then,” you chuckle, but it’s hollow.

“I’ll join you,” Spencer blurts out, and a few heads turn his way.

“You will?” you ask, your eyes lighting up just a bit.

“Yeah, it will be fun. Just let me get my stuff.”

“You’re whipped,” Derek whispers as he passes by the young doctor.

“Shut up,” Spencer mumbles back.

Everyone knows how big of a crush Spencer has on you. When he first started out in the BAU, he was so naive and oblivious. Everything went over his head, when girls made passes at him, he wouldn’t think anything of it until someone explicitly told him that they were flirting with him. Even then, he’d still deny it as something that isn’t true.

You’re like that but much worse.

You can’t tell the difference between someone flirting with you and someone being nice to you. There were boys in the past that have come up and flirt with you, but you never pursued them because you thought they were just being nice and friendly. Because of this, you haven’t really had many boyfriends. The only boyfriend you had was because your best friend practically threw you onto him and told you he was into you.

Spencer isn’t good with the emotions and the words as much as Derek or Penelope is, so he doesn’t know how to tell you how much he loves you. The whole team has a bet going to see when you two are going to get together as well as another bet as to how it’s going to happen. Will you finally confess your hidden feelings for him, or is Spencer going to man up and do it himself?

“Spencer, happy hour is almost over. It’s Cinco De Mayo, we have to get the good drinks!” you say to him once you sling your purse over your shoulder.

“Alright, I’m coming,” he chuckles and approaches you just as he throws the strap to his satchel over his neck and shoulder.

“See you guys on Monday!” you exclaim to everyone before leaving with Spencer.

Luckily, the bar you want to go to is a couple of blocks across the street from yours and Spencer’s apartment complex. You two met when you practically fell down the stairs in your apartment complex trying to move in. He caught you, and you invited him over for lunch to thank him. When you showed up at work the following Monday and say him, it was like it was meant to be.

The bar is alive with chatter and buzz from the excited patrons from having drinks after work. TVs are playing baseball, hockey, and basketball games that people are just living for. There shouldn’t be any bar space since it’s a Friday night, but you manage to snag two of them by the bar counter.

“Two margaritas please,” you state to the bartender who came over to tend to the new customers.

“And one beer please,” Spencer says before he can walk away.

“Not a fan of margaritas?” you chuckle.

“Not a fan of tequila in general,” Spencer smiles.

“It’s happy hour! And because it’s a holiday, it’s 50 cent drinks! Hell yeah!” you laugh.

The bartender comes back with your drinks, and you don’t waste time downing the margarita even though it’s freezing your throat.

“So this is going to be a long night, right?”

“Good thing we walked because I plan to get fucked up tonight! What are you doing this weekend?”

“I plan to go to the local bookstore and get new books. I have a deal with the owner that if I bring my old books, they’ll exchange it for ones I want. I’m thinking of getting twenty-five new books to read.”

“Fuck, Reid, your brain is amazing. To read that fast is a gift. You’re amazing,” you laugh.

“You’re drunk,” he dismisses.

“Spencer, it takes a lot to get me drunk. Trust me, you don’t want to see that,” you snort and finish your margarita.

The bartender keeps your tab open, putting all of your drinks on it along with Spencer’s. It’s best if they don’t bother you until the end of the night. By the time Spencer gets through his second beer, you’re already on your fifth margarita. He should stop you, but he knows you’ll be safe with him. He wants to stay sober so he can make sure you’re not going to fall when you walk or flash anybody on your way to the bathroom.

“Oh, Spencer I love this song! Dance with me!” you grin and get up from your spot at the bar.

“Go without me. I’ll watch,” he says politely.

You’re only going without him because you really want to dance. Alcohol makes you dance. The more you drink, the crazier you get with your dancing. Spencer watches as you move your body with the other customers, and he smiles at how much fun you’re having. You’ve always been a free-spirited person, and this proves it. Everyone else disappears, and you’re the only one in the crowd.

A few songs pass before you need to take a break, and you head back over to Spencer who saved your seat the entire time.

“You should have danced with me,” you laugh. “I would not have resisted that body.”

“Okay now you’re drunk,” he laughs. “Do you think you’ll be okay if I go to the bathroom? Can you handle being by yourself?”

“Yes, Doctor, I’m not a child,” you pout.

“Behave.”

“Is that an order?” you smirk.

“Yes.”

“Kinky,” you tease as he gets up and walks away.

Spencer wants to pee as fast as he can so he can get back to you. While he knows you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, you’re not the most careful person when you’re drunk. He finishes up in the bathroom as quickly as he can before booking it out of there and heading back to the bar.

He hears you before he sees you, and he knows you’re doing something crazy. When he rounds the corner, you’re on top of the bar dancing your ass off. Your shirt is unbuttoned so that you’re only showing your bra-covered chest. The men around you whistle and holler, and that makes Spencer’s blood boil. It’s time to go now.

“Spencer! Hi!” you giggle.

“Okay we’re done here,” he says and takes out a wad of cash. He hands it to the bartender and motions to you. “Keep the change. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah,” he nods and pockets the money.

“Come on, we’re leaving,” Spencer says to you.

“I want to stay!” you shout.

“No, we’re leaving now. Get down or I’m going to make you.”

“Oh, you’re going to make me? I’d like to see you--whoa! Spencer!” you laugh.

He grabs your legs and throws you over his shoulder fireman style. The men boo him for taking away their entertainment, but he doesn’t care about them. Spencer’s ass is right in front of your face, and you lean forward to nip it a bit.

“Y/N, what the hell are you doing?”

“What? You have a delicious ass,” you laugh.

Your apartment is not that far, so he’s not worried about getting tired or anything. You’re definitely not going to remember this, but it’s seared into Spencer’s brain for all of eternity. He doesn’t know what this means for you two, but he has to man up and tell you how he feels. He wants to be there for you, and he can’t do that if he doesn’t let you into his life the way you let him into yours.

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[troubatrain]

better man - m. tkachuk

a/n: a repost from my old blog!

Matthew’s life was a mess. Well, you thought his life was a mess, he thought everything was just fine. You’d watch your friend, or mutual acquaintance if you were being honest, make poor decision after poor decision and you weren’t sure if you could take it anymore. When you’d first met Matthew, after Noah introduced the two of you at a team party, his antics were normal. He’d go out a little bit, but never the night before a game, and aside from the fact that he slept with every girl that walked into his life, things weren’t too bad. You bit your tongue about that one, knowing Matthew would just tease you for being jealous if you’d tried to say a thing about it. But, things were out of control now, it was the night before you knew the Flames had an afternoon game and Matthew was standing across from you at the bar, slamming back a shot with whoever his flavor of the week was.

“Just let it go, if he’s going to ruin his life, it’s not your place to stop him,” Your best friend, Madi, comments, “I’m serious Y/N.”

You watch the girl who’d been under Matthew’s arm slip away and head towards the bathroom, you turn to Madi, “This is the last time, I promise.”

While you didn’t actually consider Matthew your friend, mainly because you don’t think he thought much about you at all, you’d been in this position before. That time ended with Matthew hunched over you for an hour while you prayed to whatever higher power there was that he didn’t throw up in the back of an Uber. You walk over to the bar, a hand on his back while you leaned onto the bar next to him.

“What are you doing here?” Matthew asks, amused with running into you, “I thought you didn’t go places without your boyfriend who’s not your boyfriend.”

“Noah’s not my boyfriend,” You remind him, just like you always did when he accused you of liking Noah. In reality, Noah moved across the hall from you when he’d first got traded to Calgary, and while he’s moved out since, you were still close, “And you have a game tomorrow.”

“I know I do, I’m also a little busy right now,” Matthew smirks, a smug look on his face. His words were slurring together, and the bags under his eyes told you he hasn’t slept in days. Your heart broke, you didn’t understand why he was doing this to himself, the once lively sort of pain in the ass guy you’d met forever ago has turned into a shell of his old self.

“Matt, let me take you home,” You plead, your eyes boring into his, a pout present on your lips, “You need to be home.”

“I’m a grown ass man Y/N,” Matthew argues back, “I can do whatever, and whoever I want.”

“I will march into that bathroom and tell that girl that we’re dating and you’re a cheater, and then I’ll call Gio and tell him his winger is blacked out at a bar when he has an afternoon game tomorrow,” You threaten, hoping it’ll be enough to get him to go. Matthew’s eyes widen, “You wouldn’t call him.”

“I won’t if you go home,” You say, “I’ll pretend this never happened.”

Matthew sighs, closing his tab and calling himself an Uber. He slid off the barstool to head out, and his body hit the ground as soon as he stood up. You turn back to your friends, watching Madi shake her head at you, while you mouth that you were leaving to her.

“C’mon,” You say, grabbing his arm and tossing it over your shoulder. Matthew was a big body, and lugging him out of the bar was no easy feat, but you knew he was in better hands with you than anyone he’d been surrounding himself with lately. You get him into the Uber, sliding in next to him. You watch as the city passes you by, glancing over at Matthew to make sure you weren’t going to have a repeat of last time. His eyelids were starting to get heavy, and he leaned his head onto your shoulder.

“You’re too nice,” Matthew whispers, breaking the silence in the car, “Too nice.”

You smile to yourself, you knew you were too nice sometimes. You forgave too easily, and you definitely cared way too much about other people. But you couldn’t stand back while you watched Matthew continuously ruin his own life - it just wasn’t going to happen. The car finally halts in front of Matthew’s building, and you head inside with him. You were going to get him to bed, and you were going to slip down to Noah’s, who lived on the floor just underneath his, to crash in his guest room, that was the plan.

You’d never been in Matthew’s apartment before, but it certainly looked like a more barren version of Noah’s, despite the fact that Matthew lived in this building way longer. The furniture in it was the furniture that was staged in the apartment, and that you knew for a fact, and he was in desperate need of some curtains. You look around, not noticing one remnant of the fact that anyone actually lived here.

“I can get myself to bed,” Matthew huffs out behind you, finally slipping his shoe off, “Unless you want to join me.”

“I just wanted to be sure you were actually home,” You snark back, turning to look at him with an amused look on your face while he struggled to slip off his other shoe, “Are you sure you don’t need my help?”

“No mom, I got it,” Matthew chirps, tossing his shoes in the front of his door and stumbling into his bedroom. You heard a few drawers open and shut, followed by what you assumed was him brushing his teeth. You waited a few minutes, grabbing a water and some pain relievers to ease the hangover you knew he was going to have. You slip in, setting them on his nightstand.

“You should just stay here, it's late,” Matthew mutters into his pillow, causing you to jump.

You knew you should go down to stay with Noah, your key to his apartment was hanging on your keys as you stood there. But, you didn’t want to tell Noah what you just had to do, afraid it was going to become locker room talk that you were sure Matthew didn’t want to be a part of. He trusted you, at least enough to leave with the addition of your threat, and you couldn’t break that. So you nodded, stepping into Matthew’s guest room and opening the closet to pull out a pair of his shorts and a shirt - falling asleep almost immediately.

--

You woke up the next morning before the sun rose, slipping out of bed after your stomach started growling. You padded out of Matthew’s guest room, hoping he had some sort of groceries in his fridge. Your options were slim, but at least he had some eggs and a coffee maker. You get to work, pulling out a pan as quietly as you could, and brewing a pot of coffee for yourself. Your logical half of your brain screamed to just leave, slip out of his place before he woke up and you learned what kind of hungover monster he probably was, but you couldn’t help yourself. You just wanted to show him some kindness, hoping that could push him a better direction than the one he’d been flying full speed in.

“Are you making breakfast?” Matthew asks, causing your head to snap up from the eggs you’d been making. His curls were a mess, sticking out in all directions while he ran a hand through them as if that was going to help.

“I was hungry,” You admit, whispering because you were afraid to set him off, “I can go if you want-”

“No, stay,” Matthew waves you off, “I’m sorry I had like nothing in my fridge, I haven’t been the best about that.” You watch Matthew walk behind you, throwing open his fridge door and grabbing the orange juice from his fridge, smelling it to make sure it was still good, “I could teach you how to grocery shop you know.”

“I can handle myself Y/N,” Matthew rolls his eyes, crossing his arms and sitting on one of the stools in his kitchen, “Nice shirt by the way.”

You blush, looking down at the USA hockey shirt that hung on your frame. Matthew’s last name printed boldly on the back, you knew it was his, and it had been for a long time. It was soft and comfortable, and it looked like the coziest thing in his guest room closet the night before, “It was the only one in there.”

“I’m sure,” Matthew says, stealing a bite of the eggs you slid in front of him, “Oh these are good.”

“They’re eggs?” You say, confused as why he thought you made a gourmet meal out of the three ingredients he had in his entire apartment.

“I’ve used my stove once since I moved in here three seasons ago,” Matthew admits, shrugging and digging back into his food. You lean against the counter, putting your face in your hands. He was hopeless wasn’t he?

--

You bit your lip while you rode the elevator, skipping Noah’s floor and heading to the one right above it. You hoped he was home, prying the Flames current practice schedule out of Noah without him questioning it further. You walk up to Matthew’s door, knocking lightly. Hopefully he answered you, and hopefully he wasn’t doing anything too reckless this early in the day. Your mind starts to race, what if you were crossing a line?

“What are you doing here?” Matthew asks, confused as to why you were lost in your own thoughts in front of his apartment door, “Are you lost?”

“No, I just,” You start, trying to find words that sound better than Hey, I think your life is on a downward spiral and I think that I can stop you before things get too bad, “I’m going to teach you how to grocery shop.”

“I told you I can take care of myself,” Matthew reminds you.

“Is your fridge still as empty as it was the other day?” You ask, smirking when you saw his eyes shift. “Fine, I’ll go with you,” Matthew says, grabbing his hoodie that was hanging off his couch, stepping out and following you to your car, “I don’t know what kind of brownie points you’re getting for this, but it’s fucking annoying.”

You smile, you were still getting your way regardless of how annoyed Matthew was, “You came here willingly.”

“I was just hungry,” Matthew grumbles.

Grocery shopping with Matthew was an experience to say the least. He’d found a new way to pester you throughout the entire store. He complained about everything you told him to buy, reminding you that he didn’t even know how to cook. You responded quickly, telling him you could teach him easily. You weren’t a chef, but you had a few tricks up your sleeve that you were proud of. Matthew just teased you, telling you that you just wanted to spend more time with him. He poked your sides every time you tried to reach up and grab something, causing you to giggle while he gently nudged you out of the way to grab it himself. He called you mom in the store with every chance he got, the elderly couple across from you giving you an odd look as to why he was acting like a grumpy teenager. You were straight up exhausted by the time you were done, leaning against the counter in Matthew’s apartment while you watched him put away all of the groceries he’d bought against his will.

“So when are you going to teach me how to cook half this shit?” Matthew asks.

“I can show you now?” You ask, wondering if maybe he had plans that didn’t include for the evening. You saw him debate it internally for a moment, looking down at his phone and typing out a message before he nodded at you.

You started with something simple with him, salmon and some veggies, it was healthy and easy enough for him to cook on his own without you. Matthew was a little chaotic at first, unable to stand still while you tried to show him how to cut the lemon you were using to add to the Salmon. But you worked at it, calming him down enough to watch him searing the fish in his pan, his tongue sticking out of his mouth a little bit.

“Am I doing this right?” Matthew asks, and you peer over his shoulder, nodding when you inspect his work, “So, do you do this with Noah or am I your only project?”

“Noah knows how to cook for himself and stay in when he has to play the next day,” You remind Matthew, “So yes, you’re my only project.”

“Why aren’t you dating him? I mean you, spend enough time at his place and you’re always together,” Matthew pries, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. You didn’t actually spend all of your time with Noah, but Matthew only ever saw you when you were with him.

“He hooked up with my friend Madi,” You explain, the exact reason why Noah was a no go zone for you, “And then he stopped talking to her.”

It was true. When you’d been neighbors you introduced the two, hoping they’d end up together like you wanted. It worked out at first, noticing that they both had chemistry but then Noah didn’t call her after they hooked up and Madi was devastated over it. The pair had talked it out a few months ago, but that still didn’t mean you were going to date Noah like everyone assumed you were.

“Dick move,” Matthew mutters under his breath, “I mean I’m not better but-”

“I’d honestly prefer to never talk about it again,” You shake your head, tensing up at the thought of the year you had two of your favorite people at war with the other, “That’s done.”

“I can’t believe you’re domesticating me,” Matthew chirps, sitting across from you on his couch because he lacked a dining room table, “This is pretty damn good though, compliments to the chef.”

You roll your eyes at his smugness, “Some girl is going to be very lucky after I’m done with you.”

“So I am your new project?”

--

Phase two of Matthew’s transformation was that you were going to help him make it seem like someone actually lived in his apartment. You’d walked into his apartment with some plans, mostly a firm belief that it wouldn’t kill to own a throw pillow but you didn’t know what kind of monster you were actually dealing with. Apparently, Matthew’s time at home was spent watching an unhealthy amount of HGTV with his mother and he knew more about home decor than you initially thought. Shopping was actually fun, until you mentioned that you really thought he should get a dining table, reminding him of the empty space in his place that needed it, and now you were bickering in the middle of a furniture store.

“I don’t like have people over for dinner parties Y/N,” Matthew argues, his voice growing louder, and you could feel how tense the poor person who was showing you around the store was.

“What about when your parents are in town?” You ask, “I’m sure your mom would appreciate it.”

“In my experience, your girlfriend is probably right,” The man standing next to you squeaks out and you both turn to him at the same time.

“We’re not dating!” You both yell out in unison, reminding this man for the third time that there was nothing going on between the two of you.

“Just get the table,” You huff, tired of embarrassing yourself in public. You pout, mustering up your cutest face, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Matthew closes his eyes and throws his head back, “I’ll get the table.”

You clap silently to yourself, watching as Matthew scheduled a delivery for the table. You really didn’t think pouting would work, especially because Matthew can be exceptionally stubborn when he wanted to, but you were happy he did.

“I can’t believe you convinced me to buy that table,” Matthew says, leaning over to look at you while you drove back to his place, “Not cool to bring my mom into this, but you were right, she’s going to love it.”

“You’ve lived here for almost four years, your place needed some work,” You say, you wanted to tell he needed a home but you knew the teasing that ensue so you bit your tongue.

“You’re going to like, help me with this right?” Matthew asks, pointing to the things you’d bought in the back of his car, you nod. Silently making a mental note to cancel your dinner plans with Madi, you knew she was going to be mad, especially because your reason was because you thought you could guide Matthew into being a better person. But you wanted to spend time with him, because despite how much of a grouch he was, he wasn’t all bad.

--

Sometimes you thought Matthew was invincible. You thought nothing could hurt him, especially after sitting close enough to the glass and hearing just how hard he’d taken a hit. But it turns out, a bookshelf was going to be what took him down. It’d been hours since you got back to his apartment, and while you set out some of the other things you’d bought, Matthew insisted he could put together the bookshelf. You leaned against his couch, watching him struggle in the middle of the floor.

“Matthew let me just-” You try and interject, yet again, and offer your help.

“I can do it,” Matthew says, “I just keep losing pieces.”

Matthew’s demeanor was frantic, he had nails and pieces of the bookshelf scattered around him while he read the directions for the hundredth time. You squat next to him, placing your hand on his back and rubbing up and down. You can feel how tense his back was, and how he was calming down under your touch, “How about you order us some food, and I just finish this real quick?”

Matthew lets out a breath, “Why are you so much better than me at everything?”

“I don’t even know how to skate so,” You shrug, there was one thing he definitely had on you.

“I’d teach you, but you’ll find a way to outshine me and we can’t have that,” Matthew jokes, standing up to go get his phone from another room and call and order you food. By the time he came back, you had half the shelf built already. He rolls his eyes, jumping on his couch and picking a movie on Netflix - telling you that was the only other thing he was better than you at.

--

You sat in the stands with Madi at the Saddledome, cringing as you watched Matthew skate to the penalty box for the third time that evening.

“What the fuck is he doing out there?” Madi asks, “Collect your man Y/N.”

You were too confused to go into defense mode on how Matthew wasn’t yours. He wasn’t. But you spent all of your time together when he was in the city, so you knew he wasn’t someone else’s either. You shake your head, your eyes moving to the penalty while you watch Matthew break his stick against the boards. The Flames were down 4-0 and it just seemed like everything wasn’t going in their favor. With three penalties under his belt, and two of those goals scored against them on the power play you understood why he was so mad but you didn’t understand why he’d kept retaliating against whoever was trying to get under his skin.

When the third period ended, you felt your phone vibrate while you were heading back out to your car. A text from Matthew appearing on the screen.

Come over?

You hear Madi scoff behind you, “If you go you’re never going back and I promise you that.”

“We’re friends,” You argue back, a little annoyed with your best friend's constant disdain for anyone that went near you.

“He’s going to do to you what he's done to countless other girls,” Madi retorts back, “Just like Noah did to me, they’re all the same.”

You roll your eyes, “Then I’ll worry about it when he hurts me.”

You stomped over to your car, leaving Madi to go to hers alone. You take a deep breath, pulling out of the lot and into the direction of Matthew’s apartment. You could feel tears welling up in your eyes while you thought about Madi’s words. You weren’t anything more than friends with Matthew but if he walked out of your life today you weren’t sure if you could recover as quickly as you thought. You slip in Matthew’s building unnoticed, sitting outside of his apartment door and allowing yourself to have a quick cry before you heard the elevator ding, signifying that he was home.

“I’ve got to give a key,” Matthew grumbles, “My neighbors probably think you’re stalking- are you crying?”

“I’m fine,” You rush out, standing up and wiping your eyes, “It’s fine.”

Matthew sighs, his eyes going soft, “Come inside.”

Matthew’s hand landed on your lower back, guiding you into his place. You take notice that he’d moved a few of the things you scattered around his place, making them his own. You also took notice of the neatly folded laundry on his table, meaning he actually did his own laundry instead of taking everything to the cleaners. You watch Matthew stomp around his apartment, still in a mood from his game, and while you were upset you knew calming him down was the first thing you had to do.

“Matty,” You whisper, a nickname you’d taken a liking to, mostly because while he claimed he couldn’t stand it, he never stopped you from saying it, “What can I do?”

“I don’t know,” Matthew shrugs, leaning against his couch, “Usually I’d go out after a game that bad, but then I could hear your reprimand me in my head.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” You suggest, a small smile at his confession, you were getting through to him.

“Do you want to talk about why you were sitting in my hallway crying?” Matthew says, raising his eyebrows at you.

“You first,” You push, hoping you could pry it out of him.

“I’d really rather not relive the fact that I’m the sole reason that we lost that badly tonight,” Matthew mutters, “I’m going to have to watch it all over again tomorrow anyways.”

“It’s a team sport,” You remind him, even though you were there, the Flames may have lost but you know it wouldn’t have been by a four goal deficit if he could stay out of the box, “It wasn’t-”

“You were there, and you’re a terrible liar,” Matthew interrupts, a look on his face that you told you to just admit it, it was his fault.

“I’m not going to pile onto the guilt you’re feeling,” You say, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Fine, tell me what’s up with you then,” Matthew says, nodding at you, waiting for an explanation.

“I got into it with Madi, it’s fine,” You brush off, you really didn’t want to admit to Matthew that he was the reason you’d been getting into it with her a lot lately.

“You said no secrets the other day,” Matthew reminds you, opening his arms for you to step into him, “That goes both ways.”

“Let me keep this one,” You say, wrapping your arms around his waist, “Please.”

“Just this once.”

--

Matthew’s family were some of the loveliest people you’d ever met in your life, and it was honestly shocking to you that his parents raised such a pest. Especially now, watching Matthew move around his kitchen while you sat on his couch with his brother who was in town along with his parents and his sister. You’d declined his invitation for dinner at first, not really sure if there was a line that you were crossing having dinner with his family, the whole thing just felt so domestic to you.

“So did you just switch his brain with someone who’s nicer?” Brady asks, pressing you about what you did with this brother, “Or is it like a clone situation?”

“Brady leave her alone,” You hear Matthew call out from his kitchen, showing off to his parents the new cooking skills he’d acquired over the past month.

You laugh, taking a sip of your wine, whispering to Brady, “It was a brain switch.”

Brady nods, whispering back, “I knew it.”

Watching Matthew with his family definitely wasn’t helping the feelings you’d been harboring. You thought it was a small crush, that was probably because you spent most of your time with him, but it’d been snowballing into more as of late. You watched him talk to his sister and about his sister like she was the most important person in the world, and you think to him she probably is. You heard how soft his voice would go when his mother called out to him or how hard he laughed when his dad cracked a joke. This was the Matthew you knew was shoved under a million layers of angst.

“I can’t believe you actually taught him how to cook,” Chantal muses, smiling at you gently, “I’d never been able to stop him from making a mess, even when he was a kid.”

“Mom,” Matthew protests, trying to stop her from embarrassing him with stories from his childhood, “She doesn’t need to know how bad I was as a kid.”

“I think she can figure it out for herself,” Brady calls out, holding his hand for a high five to you. You slap your hand against his, laughing when you see Matthew pout next to you.

“You’re supposed to be on my side,” Matthew protests, “No loyalty around here.”

“I am on your side,” You remind him, your hand squeezing his thigh under the table. He smiles, grabbing your hand and intertwining your fingers with his. The gesture was so small, but the electricity you felt through your body was unmatched. Matthew’s hand didn’t leave yours for the entire night - until he’d gotten so mad at Brady for “cheating” at the board game you’d all decided to play that he stomped away leaving you alone with his parents.

“Should we do something about that?” Brady asks, trying to read the room.

“Yes go apologize to your brother,” Keith sighs, as if this was something that happened often. You couldn’t be surprised, in a family that athletic there was no way that they weren’t a little competitive.

You watch Brady walk out of the room to go say he was sorry to Matthew and you feel Chantal’s hand on your arm.

“I know my son isn’t good with his own feelings,” She starts, her voice as warm and kind as it could be, “Just don’t give up on him.”

You smile, nodding, “I won’t.”

--

When Matthew woke you up on a Saturday morning with a heavy knock on your door, you were worried. You didn’t even know what he could have done in the ten hours since you’d last seen him but he didn’t always do the right thing - so naturally you panicked.

“Are you okay?” You ask, throwing your door open and forgetting the fact that you were still in the shorts and t-shirt you were sleeping in.

“Nice fit,” Matthew smirks, his eyes scanning up your body and you realized you’d been wearing the same shirt you stole from the first night you stayed over at his place, “I’m never getting that shirt back am I?”

“No it’s way too comfortable,” You say, because it was, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m teaching you how to skate,” Matthew smiles, proud of himself for the idea.

“I thought we couldn’t have me outshining you?” You ask, throwing his own words back at him.

“I want you to come to our Christmas skate but I don’t want you to embarrass yourself in front of that many other people,” Matthew shrugs, “Please?”

Matthew knew you couldn’t resist his stupid pouty face as much as he couldn’t resist yours. You were eachother greatest weakness and that’s just how it was. You nod, telling him you needed to change before you headed out to wherever he was going to take you.

You didn’t expect much, and when Matthew started to head in a direction opposite of any ice rinks you were severely confused. You pulled up to a park, a large pond that had frozen over ahead of you. You step out, watching Matthew pull two pairs of skates and hockey sticks out of his trunk.

“How did you-?” You start to ask how he even knew what size skate to get you.

“I asked Noah,” Matthew shrugs, “Apparently he knows more about you than you think.”

You laugh, the text that Noah sent you about Matthew being soft as hell making way more sense now than it did the other day. You follow Matthew to a bench, watching as he bent down to tie your skates for you, “You’re not going to let me get hurt right?”

The question was simple, but the glimmer in his eye when he told you nothing would happen to you told you that he meant more than just the skating. Your hands were in his while he skated backwards, pulling you around the ice.

“You know a month ago I probably would have let you fall on your ass,” Matthew comments when your skates started to slip underneath you, “But you’ve really turned me into a better person.”

“If only I could get you to stop getting into scrums,” You tease, even though you secretly loved to watch him defend his teammates the way he did. He always justified it to you after a game, telling you if he didn’t do it, someone would bully Johnny and he couldn’t let that happen. It was part of his game, and it was the way he liked to play.

“I told you,” Matthew says, dragging out his words, “I need to do it. Stay here.”

Matthew skated to the end of the pond, grabbing two sticks and two pairs of gloves for the both you, tossing them to you. You looked ridiculous, in hockey gloves that were four sizes too big and a stick that wasn’t cut to your height.

“Wait stay like that,” Matthew pulls out his phone, snapping a picture while you stood in the standard peewee hockey pose, laughing to himself while you assumed he sent it to Noah, but when you opened your phone you say a tag from Matthew’s instagram story and you knew he posted it for the world to see.

“Matty!” You call out, about to reprimand him for posting it while your phone continued to vibrate with follow requests.

“What? You look so cute right now,” Matthew says, while you started to charge at him, forgetting he hadn’t taught you how to stop yet. You skate right into his chest, unable to knock him on the ground like you’d intended, “Easy there killer, you don’t get to start fighting with people until you learn how to stop first.”

“You’re a bully,” You mutter, crossing your arms at him.

“You love it,” Matthew teases back, but in reality, you think you actually did.

--

Matthew didn’t owe you an explanation for anything he did, and you knew that. But with him gone on the East Coast for almost two weeks, you were grateful for his daily check ins and silly snapchats. It made you smile, to see he was in bed watching a movie instead of out partying like you knew his teammates were definitely doing. You were internally counting down the days until he’d back, trying to pull off a little surprise for him in the meantime.

You sat in his apartment, using the key he’d given to you before he left, with a bunch of empty picture frames you bought a few days ago, a package from St. Louis right to them. After you had dinner with his parents you’d talked to his mom once a week. Mostly for her to tell you thank you for forcing him to call her more often, but other times it was just to gossip.

But you’d asked a few weeks ago for some pictures to hang up around his place, realizing he didn’t have one picture of his family anywhere in his place. His mother sent over every family photo she had a copy of, slipping in a few photos of Matthew as a toddler that made your heart melt in a puddle. You smile pulling a photo of the Tkachuk siblings together, Matthew probably showing off the loss of his two front teeth. You learned from his father during that dinner, that Matthew didn’t actually lose his two front teeth, instead they were knocked out by his younger brother before they had the chance to fall out.

You set the last photo on the bookshelf that you put together, tilting it so it leaned against the others in a perfect way. You heard the knob of his front door turn, revealing a very sleepy Matthew in front of you.

“I thought I saw your car,” Matthew smiles, dropping his bag to the floor, “What are you doing here?”

“Notice anything different?” You ask, gesturing around his place, his head turns to scan the room, a growing smile on his face. The kind of smile where his dimples were on full display, one you noticed he reserved for his family and for you.

“How did you get these?” Matthew says, picking up a picture that you picked out of him and his siblings at one of his father’s All Star games.

“I asked your mom for them,” You shrug.

“How often do you talk to my mom?” Matthew asks.

“Once, twice a week,” You mutter out, like your calls with his mother had been your little secret.

Matthew laughs to himself, muttering something under his breath you couldn’t quite make out, “Thank you.”

“I’m confident you’d do the same for me,” You say, because at this point you were sure he was at least 50% less selfish than he used to be.

“I’d do anything for you,” Matthew says, looking over at you to gauge your reaction. Chantal’s words about how terrible her son was with his own emotions running through your head.

“Hey Matty,” You say, trying to get his attention while he walked away to change out of the suit he’d been wearing on the plane, “You said no secrets right?”

“I believe that was our agreement,” Matthew smiles, turning around to look at you.

“I love you,” You say, you couldn’t take it anymore, you just needed to let it out. Matthew stood there, his eyes moving to everything in the room besides you, for the first time in his life, he was silent, “Oh my god this is embar-”

Matthew took three long steps over to you, placing both of his hands on your cheeks before he took a deep breath, “I needed you to say it first.”

You smile, connecting your lips with his,

“You’re going to say it back right?”

And in his apartment that you’d turned into a home, Matthew stood in his living room, pecking your lips while he repeated the three sweetest words to you.

“I love you”

#matthew tkachuk imagine #matthew tkachuk #my writing #nhl imagine #nhl imagines

[trashforhockeyguys]

Don’t Hold Me -1- Carter Hart

A/N: So, I talked about writing this a long time ago. And @oven-chicken-blog​ and I started talking about Carter a while back, so Carter miniseries is a go. As always, angst. Lots of angst ahead. Also, new chapters for this will probably be slow. There are also going to be some content warnings to go along with this. Including mentions of different types of abuse, panic disorders, and PTSD.

You loved living in Philadelphia. You loved U Penn. You’d never really thought about what would happen if you landed in a city full of people that you knew. To be honest, you didn’t think you’d end up in a place with several people you knew, not when you were going out of state for school. But when you landed in Philly and you received a text from someone you’d known for quite a few years, you were more than shocked. 

Yet, you liked it. Because you now had someone to look after you during the school year. You more than appreciated that you had someone, especially someone you trusted and someone you knew would take care of you. 

You already made several calls to him during the first semester of your freshman year, especially when you needed someone. He was the closest thing you had to family on this side of the coast. The fact that he’d known you since you were a child definitely helped. 

“Where are you?”

“I’m outside of the hockey house, off campus,” You quickly explained, “I- I need you to come get me. Please. I need to get out of here.”

He must’ve sensed the fact that you were close to tears, because the next thing you knew, you could hear him getting up and telling whoever else was with him to move their ass. He kept talking to you, making sure you were still there, as he moved. 

“I need you to tell me the address, sweetheart,” He begged, “I promise, I’m on my way, I just need to know where I’m going.”

You looked around you, trying to find a street sign and a house number. You could still hear the music playing behind you, and the sound of everyone inside cheering over something. You felt sick. You weren’t entirely sure that you wouldn’t throw up right there on the street. You took a few deep breaths before being able to focus enough to ramble off what seemed like the right address to him. 

“Patty, did you get that?” he called to someone else in the car. 

“Yeah, we should be there in twenty,” the other guy replied.

“Keep talking to me, okay? We’ll be there soon.”

You curled up on the curb, instantly regretting the short skirt and crop top you’d worn to the party. Maybe you should’ve listened to your brother, who tried to tell you not to go near the hockey guys. He was stupidly protective over you, but he seemed to be right this time.

You were shaking and starting to freeze. You wished you would’ve out on more clothes, or just stayed in your dorm room. There was a lot about tonight that you were already regretting. You should’ve listened. You shouldn’t have gone, you shouldn’t have started to drink. You should’ve been more careful. 

“Y/N!”

Without even thinking, you found yourself running into his arms. He was warm and safe. You knew, much like your actual brother, that he wouldn’t let anyone hurt you, so long as he was there to stop them. 

“What happened? Huh?”

“I just want to get out of here, please, Trav,” You begged him. 

“Okay. Here, take this, you’re fucking freezing,” Travis hastily took off his jacket and put it around you, “Patty, can you drive so I can sit in the back with her?”

“Yeah, I got it.”

“I’m sorry Nol.”

He laughed and gave you a quick side hug, “I’m just offended that you don’t have me on speed dial yet.”

“Not now Patty.”

You mustered as much of a smile as you could, “You’re Brother #3 in my phone, not quite on speed dial, but pretty close.”

“C’mon, I’m assuming your roommate is at that party?” Travis asked you, to which you nodded, “Alright, you can crash with us.”

Travis helped you into the car before running to the other side. Nolan climbed into the driver’s side and started up the car. You got situated and then ripped off your stupid high heels. They were another thing you regretted about tonight.

“I promise, I don’t always look like a cheap hooker,” You joked, noticing Nolan looking at you through the mirror.

“Never said you did.”

“I thought you promised E that you weren’t going to party,” Travis mentioned a few minutes later. 

“He’s not my mother, I’m legally an adult, I can do whatever the hell I want,” You grumbled. 

“Just because you can, Y/N, doesn’t mean that you should.”

You rolled your eyes. He sounded like your big brother, maybe because they were best friends and you knew Travis felt responsible for you. Either way, they didn’t control you. Even if they were right, they didn’t dictate your life. 

You were capable of making your own decisions and you could deal with the repercussions of them. You were old enough, you were in college, that was the time to make mistakes. And the time to fuck up. Yet you knew tonight was a bad idea from the start, but you wanted to feel normal again.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Travis finally asked. 

“Drunk hockey players,” you shrugged, “One of them just saw a short skirt, and nothing else. That’s all. I just didn’t want to stay.”

“Do we need to turn around so I can beat the shit out of him?” Travis asked. 

“No, he’s not worth it Trav.”

“No. But you are.”

You woke up on his couch the next morning, with little memory of what happened the night before. Patty was moving around in the kitchen, you hoped he was making coffee. God, you needed coffee. Your head was pounding. You probably shouldn’t have said yes to a glass of whatever was in that damned bucket. 

You groaned and rolled over. The sunlight was too much. Didn’t TK have any damned blinds in this place? Surely he got paid enough to afford some damned blinds, or maybe even curtains. Something to keep the sun from killing you.

“Here.” Travis was the one to bring me the coffee.

A mug was placed down on the table in front of you, followed by Aspirin, and another blanket was draped over you. You smiled before snuggling deeper into the couch. At least Travis got a comfortable couch. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“Like an elephant sat on my head,” You groaned. 

He laughed and sat on the edge of the couch. He started rubbing your back, slowly, just like he did a few years ago, back when he played with your brother. You groaned again and buried your head deeper into the pillows.

You tried not to think about what happened last night. You knew the party was a bad idea. You’d known that from the instant your roommate invited you. Hockey players were normally something you tried to stay away from, unless it was Travis and Nolan. You knew you could trust them, but that was as far as it went for you.

College hockey players were something that you tried to avoid at all costs. You Knew what they were like, you knew all too well. Nothing about them was good. Yet, when she’d asked you to go, you didn’t say no. Instead you pulled out your shortest skirt and a low cut top. 

“Are you okay? You were pretty shaken up last night.”

“I’m fine Trav,” you assured him, “It was a pretty stupid idea. But I’m fine.”

He gave your shoulder a squeeze. You couldn’t even begin to thank him enough for rescuing you last night, and all the other times that you’d called him before that. You used to call him instead of your brother, Ethan, because Travis asked fewer questions and could keep a secret.

He was good at picking you up, and giving you space, all while loving you in the way that you needed at the time. He made you feel safe and protected, all like Ethan did, just without asking why he was needed.

“Do you want to talk more about it?”

“Nope. I want to drink my coffee, and keep your sweats on, because they’re comfy.”

“I won’t be getting those back will I?” He questioned. 

“Nope you play for the team You can get more.”

He laughed. He knew you’d never give them back anyway. You always took his and your brother’s. Any chance you got, they’d always become yours. Truth be hold, he should be lucky that you hadn’t taken any yet this season.

“Hey! I made eggs, since TK actually went to the store yesterday and bought shit!”

“C’mon, eggs and toast, good hangover cure.” 

You cracked a smile. How many times have you made that very thing for him over the years? That was always your go to for everyone. You wondered if Patty remembered the last time you made it for him and Travis. 

“Oh, Carter is coming over,” Patty reminded Trav. 

“Shit, I forgot,” He looked over at me and tried to crack a smile, “Guess you’ll get to meet Carter, unless you want me to take you home?”

“No, because she’ll probably have someone in her bed and the room is going to smell like sex, and probably vomit, knowing her,” You explained, “So, I guess I’ll just stay? If that’s okay?”

They both shrugged, “He’s your age, maybe you two could be good for each other? Since you seem to be tired of Patty.”

“You are not setting me up with your teammate,” You snapped, “You know how I feel about other hockey players.”

“If I didn’t already know you, I’d probably take offense to that,” Patty warned, “But, having known you for over a year now, and fighting to actually get you to like me, I understand.”

“You’re lucky I can still stand to be around you.”

“Wow, I love you too, Kiddo!”

“Nolan! You’re a year older than me, shut up.”

Travis laughed and shoved Nolan’s shoulder. You loved the two of them in a way you didn’t realize you could. You’d been so cut off for so long and they seemed to slowly bring you back enough. You still weren’t 100%, there were still parts of you that weren’t fully glued back together. But you were okay. 

You didn’t know what you’d do without either of them to be completely honest. They’d become the family that you didn’t have while you were at school. They went far beyond just picking you up outside of parties, or rescuing you from your roommate and her constant visitors.

You depended on both of them in a way. Sure, Travis was as good as family, that was a no brainer, but Nolan was too. He’d been there for you since the day Travis first reached back out to you. You loved them both. But that didn’t mean you wanted to meet someone else. 

“I think I might just go climb into your bed Trav. My whole body is feeling it today, and you actually have blinds in your room.”

“Y/N! C’mon, it’s Hart. You even said you liked watching him in goal.”

“Just because I like to watch him play, doesn’t mean I actually want to meet him. I’m not in the mood today Travis,” You hoped he wouldn’t keep pushing you on it. 

You hoped he wouldn’t make you beg. You didn’t want to see anyone else. Your little circle of friends was enough. You couldn’t handle another guy in your life. Last night was a mistake, brought on by hours of your roommate bugging you to go. You were tired of always hiding out, but you also couldn’t handle everything that came with going out. 

“Okay. We’ll try and be quiet out here,” he sighed and kissed your forehead, he was one of the only people that you’d ever let do that, “Go back to sleep. I’ll check on you in a while.”

You tried not to think about the fact that you were running from someone you didn’t even know. Travis wouldn’t try to get you to meet anyone who wasn’t worth it, you knew that. But at the same time, after last night, you weren’t ready for any other surprises. 

You tried your best to ignore the sounds that followed the arrival of the young goalie. However, despite Travis’ promise, they weren’t quiet. You buried yourself under the blanket and closed your eyes. You’d been able to fall asleep during parties before, surely you could sleep through three guys practically screaming in the living room. 

You were just starting to finally doze off when the bedroom door slammed open. You practically jumped out of the bed, not expecting any of them to come bursting in like that. Standing in the doorway was the person you were trying to avoid. 

“Oh, shit,” His cheeks instantly turned red, “Sorry, I’ll just um-”

He backed out and shut the door. You could hear him chuckle as he made his way back down the hall, “TK, man you should’ve told me you had a girl over. I would’ve left you alone.”

You couldn’t help the anger that bubbled up as you threw off the covers. All you wanted to do was get some sleep, and then hang out with the boys that you consider to be your family. You didn’t want to meet anyone, you didn’t ask for Carter Hart to join you. You certainly didn’t exactly want him to think you were something that you weren’t. 

So, you found yourself throwing open the door and marching into the living room. Nolan already looked panicked when he saw you. Travis was trying to explain to Carter who you were. But suddenly all you felt like doing was yelling at all of them.

“What the hell? Seriously, what part of I wanted to sleep didn’t you understand Travis?”

Travis sighed and ran a hand through his hair before turning back to Carter, “Cart, this is Y/N, my unofficial little sister. She crashed here because her roommate is...a little too friendly with some guys on campus.”

“Wait, you’re Y/N?” Carter whipped around to face you, pure shock on his face.

“Well, I’m certainly not someone just warming Travis’s bed,” You snapped back, “I think I’m going to head out now.”

You turned and reached for the gym bag Travis gave you last night to put your clothes in. The walls were starting to close in on you, all you wanted to do was run. But when you started to make your way to the door, a hand reached out and grabbed your shoulder. Somehow you instantly knew it wasn’t Travis and you froze.

“Hey, c’mon you don’t have to leave.”

Before even thinking you spun back around, and slapped his hand away from you, “Don’t touch me.” 

You didn’t have to look at Travis to know that he was starting to panic. So was Nolan. They knew what your boundaries were. You couldn’t fully be mad at the young man in front of you, because he didn’t know. He didn’t know you, or what you could and couldn’t handle. It wasn’t his fault. 

“Don’t touch me.”

Your voice was smaller now. You sounded mousy. You hated that feeling that came along with this. You backed away from all three of them. You needed air. You knew Travis and Nolan would never do anything that you weren’t comfortable with, but Carter made you nervous. You knew he was harmless, Travis wouldn’t let him near you if he wasn’t. But still, he made you uneasy in ways that you couldn’t understand. 

“At least let me drive you back to campus,” Travis begged. 

“Trust me, I need to walk.”

“Y/N-”

“I love you Trav. I’ll call you later.”

You shouldn’t be running. You knew that. You should be able to stand your ground and meet Travis’s friends, his hockey family. They were more than important to him, yet the only one you could handle being around was Nolan. It had nothing to do with the rest of the guys and everything to do with you. 

You couldn’t expect any of them to understand why you were the way that you were. Travis knew because he was there during everything. Nolan knew because Nolan had witnessed bits and pieces. But there wasn’t an easy way for you to explain it to anyone else. So you hid. And you’d keep hiding because that’s what you were good at.

#Carter Hart #carter hart imagines #carter hart imagine #Carter hart fanfic #Carter hart fan fiction #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfic #nhl fanfiction #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #hockey fanfic #hockey fanfiction #nicolewritesthings

[roseate7]

Pens fans and Sid fans are great at holding our faves accountable - you’re probably not

If you’re inflamed by that title then this post is for you. Flouncing away from it makes you look like a clown who can’t handle criticism and correction. I’ll go ahead and preface this by saying my disability limits my usage of screens to only the absolute essentials so I won’t be back here to see if you’ve done either so please save yourself time and any huffy replies you’re bristling with. I’m not interested in returning to tumblr, trust me.

I shouldn’t be surprised considering this fandom’s selectiveness when it comes to politics and hockey but it’s still not great to get an anon message that huge swathes of fandom are now treating the topic of racism not with regards to Akim Aliu or BLM, but as a popularity contest of performative white men. Oh and their eagerness to once again remind anyone they think cares that “humph they don’t wike Sidney Cwosby and their fave is superior! Take THAT Cwosby fans!”

Again, y’all should’ve saved yourselves the trouble but fortunately I and Pens fandom have a nice history of protesting and holding our team and Sid accountable for you to learn from. Especially Caps and Blues fans recently, also anyone gross enough to be Ovechkin fans, but especially if you consciously decide to have anything to do with supporting the Blackhawks and not smacking yourself in the eye every time you type or utter the team name. Like, holy shit are we really out here on the brink of saying you can be best friends with Patrick Kane and still be... jesus christ. (Start here and work backward - any other Pens fans, rb and add your own history of it) I’ll try to keep this brief but I couldn’t really care less if anyone finds it too long lol. If you’re all willing to post about this shit then you can sit and listen.

1) If any of the gestures made by these white men has turned your head or made you think they’re better than other white men in hockey then a) you’re obviously biased towards them in the first place and are jumping on any fucking crumb cast your way, and b) you’re wrong. They do not care about you. They do not care about BLM. They have known all along when they and others have done wrong and they have done nothing until pressured to do so. They do not care about anything beyond hockey. 

2) I have watched multiple rotations of PR efforts to Make Hockey Players Seem Like Great Guys over the decades. This is the latest. They pretend to atonement. They donate. They make statements. They wear tape on their sticks. They put on special jerseys for fifteen minutes. They pose with the minority they have offended (or attend Pride parades and get nothing but praise for it and the unearned mantle of having saved gays everywhere). And yet as I am here to attest, it has never done anything. It is intended to make you like them and do exactly what you’re doing now - buy into their cultivated hierarchy of goodness that has zero relevance to real world ideas of goodness or morality. 

3) The bar is too low to call any white male hockey player a good man. “But you stan Crosby!!” Yep. Read through my blog and I absolutely go nuts with the narrative of this guy’s career and his impact or lack of action in hockey. I balance a fascination with him as a hockey player with real life criticism of him as a person. You can too! 

4) Lastly, if you think “omg my guy is SOOOOO much better than Crosby because of x, y, and z” then you are a fool. You’re playing precisely into what the NHL and it’s teams have been pushing - especially on female fans! You’ve been fed a version of a white man, you’ve been given a tamping down in terms of your expectations, and now you’re in love. You’ll take anything he throws you and carry it like a banner over the heads of any inferior hockey men! You’re the loser in this exchange.

Ironically for the latest batch of “I hate Crosby”, Sidney Crosby has in fact done far more to improve the diversity of hockey than your white faves - the Little Penguins was his baby and spread league wide as the Learn to Play program and his focus has been to push management of his teams toward making tickets and events accessible to lower income families. Most of your dudes wait for initiatives from Head Office to be handed down via PR. Here’s the kicker! that absolutely every Pens and Sid fan I know is aware of! Neither Sid’s proactive work nor most players’ going along makes them better than each other in a real world sense! Because none of them are doing a fraction of what they could easily be doing to tackle real issues in an up front and direct way! And they all know it and hide from it! They’re all white boys who don’t like to rock the boat unless enough of their brothers do it with them!

None of them spoke up for Akim Aliu in any actual supportive way!! They waited for human trash bag Evander Kane to say something and slowly trickled in!! they all waited!! They waited their whole careers and they’re gonna keep you waiting!! 

Jonathan Toews is not better than Sidney Crosby. You are the ones who are upset by that fact - we’re the ones who’ve never questioned it. Johnny being best friends with a racist and abuser (and defending him openly!) and never answering for his racist logo on his chest or his notoriously brazen racist fans DOES NOT GO AWAY just because in this instance Sidney Crosby was later than him. It does not disappear just because his fans read a silly and utterly empty, self-serving mansplaining text post and decide that he is suddenly better than Sidney Crosby’s equally empty statement days later. Judge these men intelligently!! Stop making it a teen magazine bestest boy rating!! DO NOT TELL PEOPLE TO BRUSH OFF A MAN’S FRIENDSHIP AND DEFENCE OF A RACIST ABUSER RAPIST JUST BECAUSE HE WROTE A NOTE SAYING HE’S FOUND OUT ABOUT RACISM AND BOY IT’S NOT GOOD EH.

Please, just for a second, just think of how stupid it is to take an issue like systemic racism and actually sit down and actually turn it into whose boy is better than whose. For the love of god please if nothing else stop doing that!!

THE TIME FOR STATEMENTS TO ACT AS BROWNIE POINTS IS DONE. THE TIME FOR WHITE MEN COPPING TO RACISM IN THEIR LEAGUE AND THE WORLD AS SOMETHING WORTHY OF PRAISE IS DONE. THEY ARE TOO LATE. STOP ACCEPTING SO LITTLE JUST SO YOU CAN ENGAGE IN STAN WARS. 

THE PEOPLE DOING THE WORK TO IMPROVE SYSTEMIC RACISM IS ALL YOU SHOULD CONCERN YOURSELF WITH. NOT THEIR SEEMINGLY BENEVOLENT OPPRESSORS. STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM. STOP PRAISING THEM. IF THEY REALLY MEAN WHAT THEY ARE SAYING THEY WILL CONTINUE WITHOUT PRAISE AND WE WILL SEE IT IN REALITY OVER YEARS TO COME. THEY GET NOTHING FROM US NOW. NOTHING.

NO ONE CARES THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE SIDNEY CROSBY. WE CARE THAT YOU ARE INSISTING THAT WE REDUCE OUR SOCIAL AWARENESS DOWN TO SLURPING ON ANY WHITE MAN’S EGO IN THE MIDST OF INEQUALITY AND ABUSE THAT HE - WHOEVER HE IS - HAS SILENTLY AND ACTIVELY PERPETUATED, JUST BECAUSE HE DONATED MONEY OR WROTE STUPID FUCKING WORDS IN NOTES APP. 

#sidney crosby #jonathan toews #chicago blackhawks #alexander ovechkin #gabriel landeskog #braden holtby #idk who else people are slobbering over but this is a start #too fuckin tired and I only came back to offer support to pens fans dealing with morons again

[isoboto]

will you please fuck off back to wherever pit of hell you came from. it was nice around here for a little without having to worry about your ignorant racist ass. newsflash asshole! you're an idiot who can't stop talking out of her ass because you have nothing meaningful to say. need i remind to your precious followers that you've said multiple racial slurs, and now you're going as far as to make fun of a 16 year old girl who was murdered. fucking cunt kys and go to hell

- oh boy look at who is crawling back from hell to yell at a tiny insignificant blog lol. didn’t come on Tumblr for like 4 months and immediately got sent a welcome party when I got back. I am truly flattered. way to make me feel very important, girl

now, before we proceed, here is a visual representation of me at all times, in case you have trouble understanding who and what I am

okay. ready? let’s go through your claims:

1) pretty sure none of my followers care or pay attention to tumblr drama -- neither do I.

you seem pretty new to this social media stuff, so let me explain: on social media, there is this thing called ✨Unfollow✨ if followers don’t like the content the poster is posting anymore, or ✨Block✨ if followers would like to never see the poster again. if you run into issues while unfollowing or blocking me, google is your friend.

i had always thought nobody cares about me, but it truly warmed my heart to know sjw anons care about me a lot.

2) I actually put a lot of thought into stuff I curated and wrote about. anything and everything you said/posted online is recorded, thus I wouldn’t put it on my dash unless I know for sure i could defend it.

but it’s okay if you don’t know that. it’s easy to miss when you only come to my blog to act all high and mighty.

here are the long posts I’ve written or shared. These, in my humble opinion, are an interesting read. Perhaps you should read them with some open-mindedness i’m sure you have.

- (Not) Taking A Knee, In Sports

- National Horny League Podcast

- Post-“Logan Couture Got Sucker-Punched”

- Bust the BLM Myth: Does the Majority of Black People Want To Defund the Police?

- Letitia Wright Should Not Have Apologized For Doing Nothing Wrong

- Hunter Biden & The Biden Inc. 

For interesting things I’ve shared, see this tag collection: Little Interesting Things. It’s a mix of hockey funny tidbits, wacky knowledge and political opinions.

3) ah, so we’re back to "Eva said slurs!!!" claim. are you the slurs anon then? (she gave herself the nickname, not me)

unless you have new evidence on me saying "multiple racial slurs", your false allegations have been debunked here and here. You’ve earned your honourable Get A Load Of This Dumb Idiot badge for your top-tier fact-checking skill.

The entire saga is tagged under Once Upon An Anon: SPECIAL! False Racism Edition! in case you want to refresh your memory

4) in references to this post: i mean, i don’t specifically make fun of the girl, i am making fun of how public opinion reacted to it.

here is a story that you might not have know or heard of because the media didn’t cry like a banshee about it: Ohio girl, 13, stabbed to death, and another 13-year-old girl is charged with her murder

and then the stupid blue checkmark twitter defending knife fights. oh oops i mean the Brilliant Intelligence, Big Brain CRT Defender

Twitter thread

If the cops didn’t intervene, you have that a girl being stabbed to death by her friend. If the cops intervened (ie. yelling everybody to Get Down multiple times and had to fire his gun to protect the girl in pink), the media faked outrage.

take your pick. whichever way the cops did, the media and the sjw would insert CRT racial justice bullshit in.

moreover, i’ll address this before you claim this and that: people claiming cops shouldn’t have pulled a gun, they hadn’t do their research into police work because police are trained to pull an equal or higher force on the suspect. Donut Operator and Officer 401 did very good job giving insights to how police work.

i am of the opinion police should be abolished and people should be allowed to freely armed themselves, like how Cheran works. but i will and can play devil’s advocate -- frankly because sjws can’t make up their mind. people shouldn’t own guns, and only police can. then when police deploy their guns -- regardless of context, it is automatically an unjustified shooting.

#get a load of this dumb idiot #SPECIAL! False Racism Edition! #congrats chinaski

[ofmonroe]

( rudy pankow, twenty - two, cis male, he / him ) did you see ROZ MONROE walking down main street earlier?  you know who i’m talking about, they’re an INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST AT WESTMERE WEEKLY.  everybody in town says that they’re QUICK - WITTED & UNINHIBITED, but have a tendency to be FLIPPANT & DISTRAIT too. MONROE has been in town for ONE AND A QUARTER years.  c'mon, they’re always requesting HELLO, I LOVE YOU BY THE DOORS at karaoke nights.  well, i’m sure you’ll see them soon! ( ooc: sam, 23, she / her, est )

helloooo everyone ! i’m sam and i’m super excited to introduce my muse, so let’s just jump right in ! @westmerestarters​

STATS

FULL NAME: roswell norman monroe. NICKNAMES: most people just call him monroe and that’s how he introduces himself. a few people who are very close to him might call him roz, but absolutely no one calls him the full roswell. GENDER + PRONOUNS: cis male + he / him DOB + AGE: october 13th, 1997 + twenty - two ZODIAC: libra HOMETOWN: blairstown, new jersey OCCUPATION: investigative journalist FUN FACTS: drives a green volkswagen bus and has a black cat named tillie.

HISTORY

tws: death, neglect, mention of drugs

roswell norman “roz” monroe was born and raised in blairstown, new jersey. his mother was a doctor of astrophysics and professor at princeton university when she met his father, a professor of journalism at the university. the two got married and had their first child shortly afterward. their youngest would not come along until ten years after their eldest. he was a surprise, but a welcome one, a happy one. 

it was a typical, comfortable suburban upbringing. roz ( who eventually would almost exclusively go by the mononymous monroe, so that’s how i’ll refer to him for the rest of the intro ) and his brother attended a prestigious private school where both of them were consistently on the honor roll while their parents were flourishing in their teaching careers. monroe began taking piano lessons before his feet could even reach the pedals. the interest in music sparked by his mother, who always seemed to humming a doors or beatles or hendrix tune. he quit after her death.

from the age of ten onwards, he lost members of his immediate family until there was no one left. first it was his mother and brother. his father reacted by throwing himself into research that was once a side project, often locking himself in his home office for days on end. spells of unexplained absences and the topics of his research being proof of ufos and extraterrestrials didn’t look good for princeton, and resulted in monroe’s father losing his job at the university. his reputation destroyed, the once - brilliant investigative journalist and ivy league professor became a laughingstock in academia and in journalism.

monroe’s maternal grandmother moved into their house and basically took on the responsibility of raising her grandson. ( his father was still obsessed with his work and unfazed by the loss of his successful career, still locking himself in his office for literal days on end. ) lauren brought radiance to the home, pulling back the curtains and filling the corridors with his mother’s music again.  

he began high school with no friends and no plans for the future. he kept to himself at first, but eventually joined the stoner clique and after graduation, he attended the reuters institute at oxford university in the uk to study journalism ( in honor of his father and older brother, who had also planned to go into the field ). he completed his first degree program in june 2019 and planned to continue with his schooling in october, but in the interim his father died and he put his plans on hold. since his grandmother had moved out once he left for college, his childhood home was now empty and it became  monroe’s responsibility to clean it out. he salvaged as much of his father’s work as he could not a lot, put most of things that he couldn’t bear to throw away into a storage unit and tossed all of the rest. 

his childhood home was put up for sale and he left his hometown for good in his van ( a green ‘67 volkswagen bus aka kelso’s van in that 70s show ). he had no particular destination in mind, but when he wound up in westmere he was quite charmed and decided to stick around for a bit. he waved around his shiny new degree to get himself a job at westmere weekly, where he often rolls in whenever he likes & has probably rolled in completely stoned more than once ngl and tries to get his articles about the latest ufo sightings in new england a spot in the paper.

he actually lives in his van because a ) it’s cheap and b ) he likes it. he’s usually parked near the docks because he likes the view of the water.

PERSONALITY

before meeting him, most people probably think that all of the rambling about aliens and monsters is just an act for attention or something, but then meeting him in person tends to clear up that misconception very quickly.

chain smoker & stoner. he’s lazy, reckless, & irresponsible and he definitely gets a little fun out of allowing people to think that’s all there is to him until he decides to casually remind everyone of his oxford degree. 

encyclopedic knowledge of classic rock. his mother’s records were one of the few things from his childhood home that he took with him. it’s easy to tell if he’s in his van because if he is, then the classic rock station is definitely playing.

vegetarian, environmentalist & probably working on transitioning to full vegan. the kind of person who scolds his friends for littering and stops what he’s doing to pick up random bits of trash in the street because he absolutely cannot bear to leave it there. blood makes him squeamish and it turns his stomach to see any living thing in pain.

he literally shows up to work most days in tie dye shirts with the sleeves cut off and big dirty combat boots.

basically he likes to just barely skate by on his smarts and his fancy degree.

well - meaning and easygoing but not the most open or reliable person. he has a lot of friends, not not a lot of close friends. he’s the kind of person who someone might realize they’ve told their entire life story to, but on the flipside he hasn’t even told them his birthday or his middle name or his first name.

so kinda obvious but he never, ever talks about his family besides maybe his grandmother and the occasional brief mention of his dad.

he’s forgetful and kinda self - absorbed. he’ll agree to do a favor for someone and then get caught up in researching or listening to music or blogging so he just totally flakes. he’s definitely known for zoning out quite often too.

jersey devils hockey fan … poor guy

WANTED CONNECTIONS

cousins ( would probably be from the east coast, but otherwise anything goes for this. )

friends ( close, forner, drifted apart, etc )

stoner buddies

people who can’t stand him ( probably either because he’s a lazy stoner or bc he won’t shut up about fuckin ufos )

party friends who can only stand each other when they’re both drunk

someone he has a crush on / someone who has a crush on him

 exes, hookups, fwb / ewb, all of that stuff !

these are just a few base ideas so please don’t feel limited by this connections list because i’m always open to brainstorming !

#westmereintro #death tw #neglect tw #drug mention tw #tl ; dr stoner vegetarian friend thinks The Truth Is Out There