#this one was a lil therapeutic for me ngl

[sehtoast]

(In)Security (Homelander x OC)

1.7k | mentions of smut- no actual smut, homie's body image issues, shared recollections of a noncon situation, gender dysphoria mentions, surgery mention, homie experiencing compassion, spidersona oc, soft ending | Fic Directory

“I just… I don't–” 

Homelander tried his best to force the words out.  Just how fucking humiliated would he have to feel in this moment?

He and Ben have been intimate before– well, they’d only just started, but still.  In fact, the first time they had sex, he’d been so caught up in the moment that he somehow forgot how insecure he could feel.  He fucking hated it more than anything.  Hell, even before then, there was a time when Ben saw beneath that suit.  They never talked about it, but it hurt his pride back then, too.

No partner before Benjamin ever wanted to see him bare.  Nobody.  Madelyn stripped him down once, but she was quick to remark on how average he was.  He never took the top of his suit off again.

Maeve never asked him to.  Their trysts were more for release and were, frankly, the realest part of their relationship.  If nothing else, at least that was legitimate. 

There were a few fans in the past, but… he learned to never do that again.

But Benjamin?  Here he was, knelt before him in just his underwear, with a worried look on his face at the sudden recoil.

“Are you okay?”

He’s never really been asked that before, either.  It’s strange, the way his heart beats like a hummingbird’s wings.  Is he okay?  

He doesn’t really know.

Homelander hates himself for this, for ruining the moment.  It was fine before, why couldn’t it be fucking fine now?

He shuts his eyes to escape.  He doesn’t know what to do with the look of true, genuine care in Ben’s gaze.  He doesn’t know how to react to the way the hands prying at his suit immediately ceased and moved to hold his fingers.  Just enough touch to give him room to breathe– to give him a choice–  but still show support and concern.

Once upon a time, he would beg for space in the lab only to have more hands grab at him and nudge him into obedience.  

Benjamin’s hands let him decide.  

“Johnny?”

He nods his head quickly.  I’m alright, he wants to say.  

It doesn’t come out.

“Talk to me, pumpkin.” Ben murmurs, thumbs stroking the backs of his knuckles.  “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.  You’re allowed to say no, y’know.”

But how does he tell him?  How does he open his mouth and admit that he hates his own body and he’s been given plenty of reason to believe others will too?  How does he tell the man who worshiped him so reverently just one day prior that he’s worried the adoration will rot into disgust?  Into disappointment…

He considers the state of himself now and how ridiculous he must look.  Bare below the waist, save for his half tented briefs, and fully clothed up top.  Must be a treat to see him look so fucking stupid.  Could only get worse if that top half came off, too.  God, even his legs were lackluster compared to the suit.  How could Ben look at him, perceive muscle– perceive perfection, and then enjoy what’s beneath?  No, no, he should put it back on.  All of it.  Just shimmy his pants down enough to do the job and call that it, just like he used to do with the others.

He feels a blanket cover his lower body and tears bite at his eyes.  The sound of the bug throwing on a shirt makes it worse.  He ruined the moment, didn’t he?

“You can open your eyes,” Ben coos.  “It’s okay.”

When he does, he expects to find laughter and disappointment– but it’s softness and understanding that greet him.

Ben moves to lay beside him, lifting an arm to offer a place of refuge.

He takes it without question.  

It’s never been like this before. Even the last time was… startlingly different.  There’s something more here, something strange.  He wasn’t told to go home last night.  Ben didn’t roll out of bed and throw his suit at him when everything was said and done.  It didn’t feel so goddamn empty.

And it doesn’t feel that way now.  

Last night, he was the one who did the holding.  Homelander let Ben snuggle up beside him and fall asleep right on his chest.  Tonight, he is the one who gets to be held.

He thumbs at the hem of Ben’s shirt.  Fingers run through his hair and he huffs a weak sigh.  His pulse calms and that all-consuming anxiousness is fading.

Ben turns on a movie for him.

He lets his head rest on the web-head’s chest.  The gentle thrums within captivate him far more than fucking Taxi Driver could ever hope to accomplish.  Baffling that, aside from waning arousal, there’s nothing.

There’s no stress, no muscle tension, no grinding teeth– nothing.  There’s fucking nothing to even insinuate disappointment or agitation.  All he hears is a yawn.  Feels Ben's legs tangle with his beneath the blankets.

He’s probably not going to fall asleep tonight.  Nerves aside, he can’t sleep in the suit– never could. 

A warm palm lands on the nape of his neck and the slightest change in Ben’s breathing lets him know.

He still wants to ask about it.

By all means, Homelander knows he should just fess up.  Admit to his stupid fucking insecurity and let the humiliation wash over him until the tides of shame quelled.  Ben’s already seen him; it shouldn’t be so fucking hard to just…

To just fucking do it.

He’s a god.  A literal, living, breathing god.  Why is he so incapable?

“Y'know,” Ben begins. “Back before I got top surgery, I used to wear a binder like constantly. You couldn't get me out of it.”

He's almost scared of where this conversation may lead. Was Ben going to call him selfish? He wouldn't be the first… Different reasons all across the board, but it's nothing he hasn't heard before. Though, this time, it might actually hurt… 

“I fuckin’ hated taking it off almost as much as I hated having to wear it. I'd get so used to seeing myself flat chested and normal that it'd freak me out when I had to. And, god, it was like ten times worse when it was off in front of other people… Like, it made it real.”

The hand at Homelander’s nape trailed up into the length of his undercut, occasionally trailing down to play in the short, velvety sides. 

He was never quite sure if he loved or hated the way Ben could call him on things by relating it back to himself. A subtle yet very loud way of saying I see you. I see you within myself. 

“The illusion of everything I wanted to be– it just… It hurts more when you gotta show people the truth. You gotta hope they won't twist the knife a little deeper. Just takes one person to ruin everything, y'know?”

Homelander shuts his eyes to fight the sting of tears. Ben understands. 

“Tell me to shut up if you want, but that one night…” 

The night he killed Madelyn. The night Ben stripped the stink of charred flesh from him and dressed him in his own clothes. 

“You reacted pretty much the same way I did the first time I let someone else see my chest. It's not easy…” 

Really? Was he going to talk about his sexcapades in a time like this? What–

“I wanted to keep it on so bad, but they insisted. They never gave me a reason to–” He paused. “It was only nice for them.” 

He can hear the touch of sorrow in every word. 

“They… She liked it in a way that made her feel good, but not me. Didn't matter if I cringed or told her I didn't want to take it off. I'd say no chest stuff, and ten minutes into a movie she'd stuff her hand up my shirt and–” Ben huffs a heavy breath. He's past the point of tears on things like this, but there was still anger– still disgust. “Anyway, I just… I don't ever want you to feel forced to take your stuff off if you don't want to. I think you're wonderful. But you might not always feel that way and that's okay.”

It's moments like these that remind him he has nothing to fear with this sweet boy. That even the tears staining Ben's shirt will go unpunished. They'll be wiped away and kissed dry every time. 

“I think you're beautiful, but you don't owe me the visuals if you don't want to. I'm happy as long as you're around.” 

He's not sure what force overtakes him, but Homelander lifts himself just enough to press the most pathetic kiss he's ever given to Ben's lips. It's salty from his tears and his lip quivers through the act, but the way Ben reciprocates keeps the shame at bay. 

His emotions are torrential at best. He wants to kill whoever hurt his little spider. Flay them alive and fucking present the good work, but then… 

He felt like fucking mush. A big pile of melty fucking mush that needed to stay put with the one person who wouldn't let him spill and fall apart. He's certain he looks ridiculous, all teary-eyed and pathetic. 

But he's also certain the warm eyes looking up at him don't mind one bit. 

When all is said and done– when the credits roll and the movie is over– he decides to be a little brave. 

“Can I…” he begins, drawing his sleepy little spider back to reality. “D'you have a shirt I could borrow?” 

With a kiss to his temple, Ben uses a web to retrieve the one hanging off the back of the desk chair. He lets Homelander agree to the texture first, and then something happens. 

He asks without fear. 

He asks without anxiety. 

“Can you help me out of this?” 

#homelander #homelander x oc #homelander fanfiction #the boys #antony starr #this one was a lil therapeutic for me ngl #otherwise known as: the homie body image issues fic I wish I'd written instead a year or so ago

[babyfairy]

hello…life updates lol

i saw the little mermaid with my mom and my niece (we went on my mom’s birthday 💌) and i loved it??!? i think halle was the perfect choice for ariel!! i was so enchanted by her mannerisms the entire film. she’s got such an otherworldly beauty so paired with her voice she REALLY looks and feels like a disney princess…loved her so much. no comment on awkwafina’s unfortunate addition to the film

we’re restarting one of our long running dnd campaigns and i’m pretty sad about it ❤️‍🩹 it’s the best choice because the setting was made by our DM a long time ago and she wants a reset because she’s improved her narration/lore/etc since its creation but it’s still sad and hard to let go. i’m really excited to relive some of my favorite moments with some new twists and i have a deeper understanding of my character now so i think i’ll only end up loving her more as i replay her. dnd with my friends is truly one of my favorite hobbies and it’s so important to me! there have been so many changes throughout the years i’ve played but i’m so glad to still be playing despite it because it’s very fun and therapeutic lol

i got a raise at work 🫨 not that it makes much of a difference LMFAO but i was seriously considering leaving my job before my raise so it’s nice to be making a little more money. the cost of living in washington is so insane that i feel really unsure of my future lol but it’s seriously my dream to own my own house. just a little one story house that i can call my own. i know it seems like a small dream lol but it’s literally my number one motivation and i’m always daydreaming about how i’d decorate my own home inside and out!!

i finally bought tears of the kingdom and i’ve been obsessed with it!!! not surprised because i loved breath of the wild lol. i love link so much he’s such a cool protagonist. always wanted to be like him when i was a kid LMAOO either him or sheik! i would say i’m more like a deku scrub…💀 like look at this fella…

like….???!!!! THATS ME…the lil angry face. love these guys. anyways i love the game LMAO i hit about 50 hours and realized i should maybe try tackling my first dungeon 💀 it’s just so much fun to run around and collect ingredients and koroks…plus i have a little pack of zelda amiibo cards so every day i hop on and scan them all so i can open treasure chests as a little treat…love it!!! i can’t wait to see king sidon again btw. that’s the light of my life

ever since my OCD diagnosis i’ve been avoiding my therapist (L) and struggling to really understand why but i think it’s because i feel guilty about being diagnosed LMAO…i have like this weird fixation on unknowingly manipulating/lying to others and my brain keeps trying to convince me i manipulated her into a diagnosis. i don’t feel like i have “real” OCD if that makes sense. and i feel this weird sense of guilt about making light of it or like taking resources from people with real, severe OCD. it’s frustrating because i know that’s definitely a symptom of OCD but i also feel like none of my symptoms are legitimate and they’re just delusions. it’s incessant. which like logically is that probably just a symptom of the OCD? yeah but i also am having trouble admitting that to myself for some reason lol. at least not without guilt or shame attached and i really try to avoid feeling that way if i can. anyways it’s a real pain in the ass and i finally sucked it up and made an appointment for tomorrow so i can try to talk through some of this with her

i’m up and down a lot, it’s been the worst year of my life i think lol but somehow i’m still chugging along 💀 every day i put the rainbow clown wig back on and march thru my day despite it all though so it’s whatever i guess. definitely going thru my saturn return and ngl so far it sucks and i definitely hate it but you know! my 20s have been Not Great so maybe my 30s will be better for it. hope everyone is doing well and staying safe. let me know what you’re up to in my inbox if you want! i always like when people message me their life updates lol. it’s sweet when people think of me as someone they want to update ❣️

[cas-rivaille]

Hello, hello! I see that you are doing obey me matchups, is it okay if I request one? It’s completely fine if you can’t do it, I don’t mind!

I’m a straight, cis female who’s around 5’0 with long, dark hair and brown eyes. I’m pretty skinny and I have fair skin, I’m near-sighted too so I wear glasses. I usually wear clothes that are ‘flowy’ or baggy and have warm colours, or just anything that make me look cute and soft tbh.

As for my personality, according to tests I took, I’m an INFP/ ISFP and my Enneagram type is 9. If you also take zodiac signs as an important factor, then I’m a Capricorn (I’m sorry, I’m not knowledgable in that area so that’s all I can say;;). I tend to be quiet and reserved around strangers, but that’s because I’m too scared to socialise, not that I hate people or anything;; When I’m around people I’m comfortable with however, I’m more open and talkative, and I joke around a lot, but between being a talker or a listener, I like to listen more, be it they’re ranting or complaining, I like to listen to all of them. I’m pretty laid-back, it’s almost impossible to make me seriously mad. This is because I’m easily humoured, I laugh at even the lamest and stupidest jokes. If I ever do get upset, I’d most likely cry than get angry about it. I also don’t like conflict, I put others’ needs before mine and I go out of my way to avoid arguments and confrontations. If my opinions do clash with someone else’s, I’d say them in the gentlest way possible because I don’t like making people upset, but I still stand by my beliefs. I’d say I’m optimistic, I’m pretty good at looking on the bright side of things and I don’t often dwell on negative stuff. At times when I do feel down, I become quiet because everything is happening inside my head, so I’m not really good at explaining how I feel most of the time.

I don’t have many interests or talents, but I do like playing video games (mainly RPG, rhythm game and visual novel), listening to music (K-pop, J-pop/ J-rock, EDM) and I also like to read sometimes (fantasy, adventure and sometimes thriller and romance). I also draw from time to time, but I mainly go through social media now ngl. As of now, I don’t have a goal in life. I’m still figuring it out, but I’d love to do things that can help people in some way, no matter how small it is!

Onto the romantic aspects of me, my love languages are quality time and physical touch. I’ve never had a boyfriend before, so I might be inexperienced in a relationship, but I think I’d be really affectionate, and I’d be obvious about how happy I am to be with them, not clingy or anything, just, very soft around them. Since I’m not really passionate about anything, I think I’d be really supportive of their hobbies/ passions. I’d even try them out if it makes them happy. I don’t like it when people raise their voices at me and I can get insecure at times, so it’d be great if they’re patient and gentle with me ;-;.

Ahhh, I hope this isn’t too much! Please take you time with this, I’m only doing this for fun. I can wait! And with that, take care and have a good day/evening!

THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST !! i'm more than happy to do them :)

i had a few ideas with this, but leaning more towards who i think would be the best fit is... belphie !!

i have a few reasons why and here they are (it won't be in order of how you told me bc i'm very scatter-brained and i'll go back and make sure i get everything !!)

so in regards to you listening rather than talking, i feel like that would go with belphie rather well. we know our boy likes to sleep a lot, but he also loves astronomy. i can totally picture the two of you stargazing and him telling you everything about constellations.

in regards to your last paragraph, i feel like belphie also would have much experience in relationships so the two of you would be blushing messes together !! with how much he loves to sleep you can be certain he will want to be affectionate with him. he also isn't really loud and is very soft spoken which also goes with what you said !! (i think after the whole ordeal went down he's totally just chill and mellow and doesn't raise his voice at you at all :))

belphie would l o v e your style and love how soft you look since he is a very soft boy himself. he would totally try on your glasses for fun.

i feel like you would be very therapeutic for belphie and would help him a lot to grow as a person, and he might help you find your voice too :)

your positive outlook on life would totally have an influence on belphie, he would probably start to see things your way and just wanna live in a happy lil world with you bc he loves you so much🥺

belphie would be the one to try to put your needs ahead of his because he knows that's your tendency, he just wants to make sure you're happy :)

if you ever cried,, it's immediate hugs and comfort. wanna watch a movie to not think about it ? already set up. your favorite snacks ? waiting on his bed for you, which his bed is the comfiest out of all the brothers.

he loves your height he thinks it's so cute. you're just so small and adorable🥺 he would totally braid your hair and play with it (he would also ask that you play with his hair)

dates??:

i can totally picture you reading a book to belphie as he falls asleep on your lap, because of this, he l o v e s the sound of your voice.

using the new obey me anime for this one, i can totally picture you and him playing video games together (don't be too surprised if levi tries to be a third wheel)

music dates !! dancing in your room to a really good song, baking with him with music in the background, falling asleep to soothing songs !!

all in all you are the soft duo that is so comfy around each other and he would protect you with his life.

hhhh i hope i got everything and if i didn't just tell me !! i hope you liked it and i hope you have a good morning/day/evening/night !!

- cas :)

#obey me #obey me belphie #obey me headcanons #obey me hc #omswd belphie #om requests #obey me matchups #soft duo #i love this so much #your dynamic is great #mars on earth

[taeguboi]

BTS HC: Late Night Talks

Request: ‘Headcanon request! Late night talks with bts members, please 😊’

Notes at the end because I waffled on a bit 😅

These are all just phone calls as late night talks btw

__________________

RM

“Hey baby”

you know he’s just being a cute lil bun

in his ryan pyjamas

He's waited all day for this

his day consisted of like 5 anecdotes

but they’re all relevant to you

There’s no one else he’d rather tell about his day

He was tired

but now he’s wide awake

but in a good way

his excitement about talking to you improved his mood

and your voice gives him energy

Asks about your day after like half an hour

profusely apologising for making it all about him

even though it’s obviously fine

you can’t compete with his stories of his day

maybe it’s the way he delivers a story

but his life feels more interesting

but he’s just as interested in you

“tell me more”

any problems that day?

solved

gone

whoosh

he has such a soothing voice

like you don’t mean to be rude but

you’re falling asleep

because his voice is so therapeutic

“baby are you still there? am I boring you?”

and you’re like NO that’s not it

it’s a long week

but he gives you a motivation to get through it

“just think about when we'll get to see each other again”

and you do

you get warm on cold nights

because you’re less tense

and hopefully soon you’ll be warmer 

because he’ll be by your side at night

Jin

“Hello there”

you can see his smile without it being a video call

Even though he may not have done much with his day

you just know he's looking damn fine anyway

Probably lounging in a formal white shirt just because

"How was your day?"

and you tell him it was average or boring or something

"I'm sure it wasn't just that... tell me about.................."

and suddenly you talk his ear off for like 15 minutes straight

even though you thought you didn't have anything to say

and you feel better for it

because Jin just has this way of getting you to speak

to let go of anything in your system that might be bugging you

or that you subconsciously wanted to share with someone

Has you laughing on the floor with just a simple story about his day

it might not have even happened

but the way he delivers the story hits just right and really tickles you

from

"I casually walked into the fridge today"

to

"I saw 2 birds doing it for the first time today"

and he tries to keep a straight face at his own story or joke

but in just a few seconds he's laughing with you

and that makes you feel warm

Almost as warm as you know you'll feel when you get to see him again

Suga

Late evening is probably the time of day at which Shugs is the most awake

So when you have like a 3 hour long phone call with him, it's like the beginning of his day

like you really wake him up and give him energy

so when you hang up past midnight because you're too tired, he let's the call end but then just sits and contemplates life

and thinks about you

sorry, the actual call

He was struggling for ideas for a track all day

and then you phoned him

it might kind of feel like he's being ignorant when you're talking to him

but really, your voice and everything you say makes him feel inspired

"Yeah, uh huh, yep, wow really..."

it sounds insincere

but you've known him long enough now to know that's Yoongi at work

and he's really good at multitasking

"Are you listening to a word I said?"

and he says yes and can recall what you just said perfectly

all whilst adding layers to his piece inspired by you

Sometimes he makes himself stay away from that computer screen particularly when he is missing you the most

that's when he likes to indulge in your voice and virtual company

you'll tell him something about your day

he will say his day wasn't anywhere near as interesting so you should just keep talking

and you do

your voice and your stories send him to sleep because just you relax him so much

"Yoongi?" you ask softly

no reply

you hang up the phone knowing that he's drifted off

and it's the best night's sleep he's had in ages

J-Hope

No matter how rubbish his day was

Hobi is always excited when you call

It doesn't matter how late it is

he's dancing around the living room before he picks up

and dancing whilst you talk to him

His neighbours on the floor below are like wtf is that unaware that the man above them is a dork

he makes up silly little jolly songs about you

at any other person, you'd cringe but with Hobi you can't wipe that big smile off your face

and then when he's used up most of his energy singing and dancing about you

he collapses on the couch and smiles at the sound of your voice

and then he falls asleep on the couch for a couple of hours with a smile on his face

Wakes up in the middle of the night feeling a bit empty

but happily takes himself to bed when he thinks about the next call he will have with you

Jimin

His heart flutters at the sight of your name on his phone calling him

sometimes misses that first call panicking and getting himself ready

the rule of thumb is to be surrounded by cosy and fluffy and cuddly things when on a call with you

that way, when he gets those moments of missing you the most,

he can cuddle that big teddy bear

or rest his face on the fluffy pillow

it's obviously not quite the same as being in your company

but it helps a little.

You tell him about your day

and he can imagine every move you make when you're describing what you got up to

he's thinking about how if he was there, he would come up behind you for a cuddle whilst you're cooking

or how he would be watching that tv series with you on the sofa

and so on

basically he's softer than soft

Can be quiet at times

sometimes you think there's a signal issue

"Hello? Chim?"

"Oh, hello" he replies softly, realizing he's just been lost in listening to you

"I'm still here my love, I was just listening that's all, sorry"

and he's forgiven

but you do wish he would maybe talk a little more

you want to hear about his day

but you know he won't say unless you ask him because he never wants to come across as too self involved

"Jimin, I want to hear about your day; how was it?"

"Oh, really? Well..."

and then he takes a while to begin because he's smiling too much about you wanting to hear about his day

he worries his day wasn't interesting enough

"I'm sorry I'm boring you aren't I? I'll shut up now..."

"No, Jimin!"

"It's okay I've forgotten what I was saying"

A lot of these late night calls are the two of you going to and fro like this

but you still get to go to sleep with smiles on your faces

V

"Jagiya!! Helloooo!!!"

"Tae, it's like 11pm, think about the neighbours!"

"Oops, sorry, I'm just excited to hear your voice"

Calls with Taehyung are a treat

he serenades you

ahh that deep voice is so soothing

you get to hear about his day

and then his little stories about the past that he accidentally goes off on a tangent with

"Wait, what was I talking about?"

You often give up within the first few minutes of the call to remind him that he has neighbours

it's not like it's disturbing your neighbours or anything

Sometimes he will talk about things you don't quite understand

but you just sit and listen because you just like to listen to him

then the game is up when you give the wrong kind of reply like "oh, absolutely"

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

but he doesn't mind

he's pretending to be offended

he knows by now that you like his voice a lot

and he loves your voice too

Jungkook

Nervous bean no matter how many calls you've had

anxious to see you again and doesn't want to wait the night / next few days / week

The late night calls are therapeutic to him

you can just relieve all of his worries with a simple conversation

Nervous bean then turns into a smiley bean

Beats around the bush a bit

will mention something he saw or did the other day

it was something that reminded him of you

but he's to shy to mention that

so he doesn't really come to any conclusion in his sentence

"Sorry guk, so what was your point?" you ask patiently

"Nah, it's lame..."

"Aww come on Jeongukkieeee"

"Fine..."

and then he just comes out with the sweetest things that make you melt

he worries it's too cheesy if he says something like

"I was watching (insert tv series here) and... I was sad that I wasn't watching it with you"

You love it when he comes out with little things like that

he doesn't say these things out loud anywhere near as often as he thinks them

but you know he really cares about you

and there's no one you'd rather be on the phone to late at night

_________________

I'm back! I know I keep saying I am and then I'm not but since we're living in exceptional circumstances, I figured I could occupy myself with the blog again. Sorry to everyone that sent these requests like 2-3+ years ago, I am truly rubbish 😂

Anyways, I was scrolling through the requests and I figured this would be an appropriate scenario to make something out of. The late night talks are all phone calls since here in the UK we are on lockdown so I guess that made it easier for me to write.

Ngl, I felt quite rusty on the whole writing thing when making this but hopefully at least maybe one person will like it hahahah

#bts #bts hc #bts headcanons #bts fic #bts fiction #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #rm #namjoon #rap monster #kim namjoon #jin #seokjin #kim seokjin #suga #yoongi #min yoogni #jhope #hoseok #jung hoseok #hobi #v #bts v #taehyung #kim taehyung #jimin #park jimin #bts jimin #jungkook #jeon jungkook

[paeonie-s]

tagged by @websies !!! tyy !!! tag memes are so fun i just never know what to say ,,

rules: when you get tagged, it means someone wants to know more about you, so list 5 things about yourself you want your followers to know! they can be as simple as your age or as complex as your deepest fear, as long as it’s something you’re comfortable with sharing. when you’re done and if you want to, tag 10 people you want to get to know better. 

1. all through elem school i had a speech impediment and now most of the ppl who knew me back then agree it made me sound british and ??? fuck ok 

2. my fave ch from anything ever is mob mp100 !!!! it was very therapeutic the first time i watched the show to see a ch who was just kinda. lonely and lost in his emotions and who didn’t have much of an idea as to how to change and grow but who ended up doing it anyway !!! him and his froggy umbrella are very impo to me  

3. i have 2 dogs and a cat !!! my first dogs a pom named tiny (she’s abt 13 ?? 14 ?? old lady,,) and my second is named pepper !!! neither me or my dad have any clue what breed she is bc we have no clue who owned her before us !! one of my dad’s friends found her running around in the walmart parking lot during a thunderstorm and as soon as she took her to the vet she called my dad and was like you have a kid right 👁️👁️ shes abt 9 years old rn and she's super sweet !!!! and then my cats named rosa !! i don’t rly get cat breeds but she has longer hair then most black cats ?? she's super pretty she sits like a model,,, we got her as a kitten when i was abt 5 and she used to look like a lil gray tabby but she turned out all black with some white on her chest !!! shes v mean but she's always purring when i hold her so ik it's just a front ,, 

4. i’ve set down my phone in the sink before while i was doing dishes instead of the plate i was washing. the back panel (like the piece of plastic that keeps the battery in ?? yknow) has been taped on with washi tape for like the last 2 years. if the washi tape isn’t there it won’t turn on. it’s gonna last me the next 2 years even if i have to carry it around in a plastic bag or smth i stg

5. in 5th grade my music class did the recorder thing with all the belts and stuff !!! so for each of the songs you’d get a lil string to attach to the end of the recorder and w each belt the songs would get harder and harder so like the white belt was hot cross buns and the yellow belt was merrily we roll along and like so on until you get to the black belt which was ode to joy !! but my music teacher also created a whole other set of songs w striped belts that we could earn for extra credit, and because i usually stayed after school for enrichment (kids could stay after school for ~an hour and sign up for activities while their parents were working) i ended up passing off the first set early !!! so i still had like. 4 months left in the year and nothing else to do so i decided to rly dedicate myself to doing the other set of songs and ngl. pretty sure 10 year old me working my way towards being able to play eye of the tiger (bc my elem schools mascot was a tiger) on my $10 pink plastic recorder so i could stand in front of a crowd of like. 200 other literal children and get handed a tiny piece of gold braided string that showed i had learned to play every single song was the most motivated i’ve ever been 

i tag: @bl4ckvamp @eternalsky @mo-ravity @maeples @m0chicakes @reddoriot @oshoro @bwubrs i never have any clue who to tag so i just chose a bunch of my mutuals !!!!! ofc don’t feel obligated to do this but here’s your excuse if you’d like to !!!

#ive wanted to tell that recorder story for so long its been stuck in my brain for 5 years. who was i back then i miss her #if this reads like ur talking to a four year old thats just bc thats how my thought process like. flows.. #🌸.txt

[romeulusroy]

Which of your fics?

I was tagged by @locke-writes Noah!!! My love, thank you!!! Honestly, idk what's so therapeutic about looking back at old writing, but this made me appreciate it so much more!!! This is such a fun, lovely tag game and I'm so grateful to have been a part of it!!! Xoxoxo💜💖💜💖💜💖💜

Did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it did?

Well. . . . recently I've been feeling like everything kind of flops, y'know? I'd hate to sound whiny, but I get so excited to post something, and then it doesn't do as nearly as well as I'd thought. Crash and Burn (Lila Pitts Oneshot), Live and Breathe (Michael Gray Oneshot), and Temporary (Bonnie Gold Oneshot) are three that come to mind/are pretty recent 💜

Got a better reaction than you were expecting?

Knee Socks (Five Hargreeves Drabble) for sure!!! I've never had a fic kind of blow up like that, and considering it was a drabble and my blog was a lot smaller, its still mind boggling. Nicknames (Erik Killmonger Drabble), Emotional Whore (Thomas Shelby Oneshot) and Wicked Pt. 1 (Thomas Shelby Oneshot) also did incredibly well, which is always a shock, especially when I feel so insecure and unsure about posting it/think about deleting it 💖

Your funniest?

I don't really consider any of them funny? A more lighthearted one I'm still fond of is House Party (Billy Hargrove Oneshot). Ngl, I love it for a lot of reasons, but especially the quotes/dialogue. I know its not the best in general, but it's one of my biggest weaknesses as a writer and I'm glad I could work on it in this 💕

Your darkest or angstiest?

I think I might have a thing for writing dark things :P the most recent would be Clawfoot (Arthur Shelby Oneshot) where I was in a really dark mentality and it was written over a period of months as a means of therapy. It was both dark and intimate, so I didn't include a tag list. Older/earlier ones might be Hypothermia (Thomas Shelby Oneshot), Unhinged (Geralt of Rivia Oneshot), Childs Play (Klaus Hargreeves Drabble), and Too Late (Nebula Drabble). I have a lot, and more lol, so there's no shortage of angst!!! 💌

Your absolute favorite?

Oh I have so many for so many different reasons!!! I like some small lines, or plots, little details!!! I have no order for these, and these are three off the top of my head, but Cloud Animals (Luther Hargreeves Drabble), Blood Sport (Bonnie Gold Oneshot), and Over Before You Knew It (John Shelby Oneshot) 🌼

Was easiest to write?

I think as time goes on writing longer things has been easier, which is crazy, because I used to never think I'd never make it past 500 words, and now I mainly write oneshots! I can't say for sure the easiest. Some I didn't have to work so long on, like The Empath (Diego Hargreeves Drabble) or Volatile (Diego Hargreeves Drabble). Both are Diego lol, but these come to mind first when I think of something where the story kind of wrote itself 🌈

Was hardest to write?

Ahhh idk why, but anything with Dick Grayson. Animosity (Dick Grayson Drabble) or Hereditary (Dick Grayson Drabble). I felt like I never wrote him well as a character, among so many others, so writing anything for him that I could also be proud of was always a challenge. Some I feel like I know through and through, and others I have the hardest time wtiting/connecting with 💔

Have you re-read the most?

I don't really reread a lot of them. Some of the oldest like Napkin Artist (Steve Rogers Drabble), Vormir (Gamora Drabble), or Clairvoyance (Marvel Drabble). I like to revisit, especially the ones with a lot of comments/feedback, but most I'm either too embarrassed of or post and never look at again 😳

Would you recommend to someone reading your work for the first time?

Hmmm. . . . I'm not entirely sure. I think I'd definitely promote some from all different fandoms and all different times, but especially the first one I ever wrote :) I'm probably being too sentimental, but without that first step, I never would have started any of this! 200+ fics later 💟

Napkin Artist (Steve Rogers Drabble)

Vormir (Gamora Drabble)

I'm On My Own (Tony Stark Drabble)

Clairvoyance (Marvel Drabble)

Crying Over Spilt Milk (Diego Hargreeves Drabble)

Knee Socks (Five Hargreeves Drabble)

House Party (Billy Hargrove Drabble)

Dirt Nap (Arthur Shelby Oneshot)

Unhinged (Geralt of Rivia Oneshot)

Honey, Baby, Sweetheart (Alfie Solomons Drabble)

Wake Up (Alfie Solomons Drabble)

Some are repeats! But I like them enough to mention again!!!

Tagging! @murswrites @multi-fandom-iimagines @theshelbyclan @peak-a-blinder @writerdream22 @writeroutoftime @writingwithacupoftea @smallheathgangsters @swanimagines @multifandomwriter56. @peakyswritings+ anyone else!!! This is so fun to look back on writing, seeing how I've grown and improved, even if it is a lil embarassing/cringey lol 🌷

#writing #tagged #tag game #dl

[justsomethingtoventon]

Everything I felt when I went on a break with my bf

25/2 So I've downloaded tinder as you advised me too and ngl there's guys I'd swipe right for but I can't bring myself to do it like I don't want them to talk to me I don't want them to see me, what did that say about me then?? When 5 months ago I'd be all over this?? Spoke a lot to Elsa last night and she was so nice, gave really good advice and stuff and she thinks we'll be fine and so do I tbh it's just you now I think. I'm terrified you're gonna come back and call it quits but I'm gonna have to respect it. I get that we needed this, you more so than me but did it have to be now I can't concentrate on anything I really don't think this is enough to break us, I don't think that I would have entered into this without seeing a future that's longer than 5 months. I get we've been arguing but it's absolutely something we can get through if we both try to make changes. We need a really long discussion, a pros and cons list and a conclusion be both agree on. Otherwise that's it. I get summer will be very hard but I wouldn't break up with you just because there'd be long periods when we wouldn't see each other like I'd make such an effort to come see you and I'd like to think you'd do the same. This whole thing is horrible and I just want it to be over, I want you to fight for this bc although we have shit times I don't want to give up the good ones and I can't be the only one to do it because i can't put myself through it. I'm so conflicted with how to feel like I know it hasn't even been a day but it's constantly on my mind, obviously, so I'm not sure whether to understand, accept and move on or be like no. I have no idea what you're going to say when you get back bc you may claim the balls in my court but it's all you rn. So I think I'm just gonna prepare for the worst and start to let you go bc I'm gonna be selfish and say it's the easiest way to deal. I really don't know if I'm just being over dramatic about all this like you might just come home and be really chill about everything, I'm just not coping well at all. I love you so much, I'm really not ready for this to end. I don't want it back to how it was anymore, I was far too mean and closed off, I want to be able to express myself a lot better with you, before I was scared of opening up and getting hurt but now I'm starting to get that if I don't open up more it will end and me expressing myself better will make us better. I want what we have now without as much fighting. I want to relearn how to be independent from you but still being able to lean on you if I need you and I think you've nailed it but I'm getting there which is why I've had a problem these past few weeks. I want to learn how to sleep next to you and still have a good night sleep and vice versa. I get that you telling will and putting it n your chat that we broke up was you trying to justify why you did it but that really really hurt me and that'll take a while to get over. Also if you do decide to stay w me I'm going to be extremely insecure about everything for a while it's part of a deep seated need for constant validation and not to be hurt so you will have to decide if you can cope with this. By this I mean you'll just have to tell me how you're feeling for a while and I'll do the same until I'm (and you) are solid in us again. Tinders got me fucked up. I won't talk to anyone but I forgot how funny it is to swipe on people. I miss you I just want you to walk into the kitchen and tell me I'm stupid for looking at other guys bc I have you and you're all I want. Dw tho I swipe left on most I miss you I can't watch films and stuff where they kiss now it makes me too sad. I miss you so much. I don't want anyone else I just want you, talking to the girls tonight's made me realise I really don't want anyone else, you're exactly what I want and need right now I love you so much. I know we don't sleep very well together but going to bed with you is one of my fave things and rn I miss you more than ever. Also it was v awkward with will he was like 'you need to get under someone to get over someone' we both looked at each other and I was like hopefully not and he looked confused so I'm rolling with that. Otherwise it's been a really nice evening we watched a horror film with joe and will and it was okay, like I missed you but uni is okay without you I just want you back to make it 10x better, is that wrong of me??? I miss sex with you. I know you probs don't and that's fine but like I miss how close we were and the cuddles after. I miss kissing you and touching you. I just wanna lie in bed with you and kiss you for hours bc it makes me feel so good inside. Then I want to have sex so slowly and I can wrap myself around you and not let go. I miss you so much. This is gonna break me if you don't want me anymore. I'm so sorry when you read this, hopefully I'll chill out with all the paras during the week. I love you. Legit I'm so desperate to call you right now I need to hear if you're okay and this wait is killing me, I really don't know if I can handle missing and wanting you so much if you're not even thinking about me. If you read this and it provokes no emotions please put me out of my misery and leave me so I can get over it in my own way. I really need to start preparing for the worst like it's time I understood that maybe you can't deal with this anymore and I need to get used to the idea. I love you so much and if it means letting you go then I'll have to deal. 26/2: how have you managed to become the last thing I think about before bed and the first thing when I wake up?? I'm so scared you'll pull someone. It's that fear you're now unattached and you'll want someone new and better and I can't blame you. I miss everything about you and I hate that I can't let you know. I hate that I don't know how you're feeling and if I can help you it's heart breaking, bc the last thing I want is for you to be hurting. Tbh you might be absolutely fine, therefore if so ignore this bit. Is it weird I generally don't miss you too much when you're gone but like as soon as I see you it's like I can't describe. But now all I want is for you to walk through my door, get straight into bed and tell me you love me????? This is so therapeutic writing everything I feel down like why haven't I done this before??? I'm starting to think tho might not actually show you this, or at least rethink the timings, bc I don't think I could show you how embarrassingly needy I've been and then you split up with me. We'll see I've got ages to think about it. Blocked you on sc, I didn't like the anticipation of tapping through in case you've put one on. Like u know I'm defo overreacting here but idk I guess I'm just trying to get more space even though I don't want it?? I miss you. The uncertainty of what's gonna happen when we see each other again is not v nice, I think that's what's got me so fucked up bc I legit have no idea how it's gonna go down so I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst and it's a bit shit tbh. Defo gonna edit this down before you read this I'm such a clingy lil bitch. I'd fucking love some sort of sign that you're thinking of us, like right now that would ease this process so much, because I laid myself bare for you and you left so that's got my head fucked right up. I get that it's what you need and stuff but I don't know if you've stopped and thought what I need, you know I'll give you as much space as possible but a simple text at any point during this break would be enough. I'll never ask for it though I couldn't go against your wishes so I'm just going to have to wait. I miss you so much. I've got so insecure with us recently I just feel like your hearts not in it anymore, like you don't love me and that's why I think when you come home you'll be like nah bc what's the point putting up with a moody, irritating idiot if you don't love them. This is breaking my heart I need clarification of your feelings it's killing me. Everyone I speak to says well defo get back together like everyone here, everyone back home but it's so hard to think like that, get my hopes up for them to be completely crushed if you decide nah. I love you so much, I miss you like crazy. Getting over you is gonna be so difficult I hope I don't have to do it but if I do let's make this as easy as possible please. Sundays are for cuddles and I'm getting none I'm really missing you rn. Why am I glued to my phone waiting for you to text me when I know you aren't. Why am I waiting for you to walk through the door. I really want to talk to you like so much right now, I want nothing more than you to reach out to me. The worst is that I know you won't because you don't want to, you need space and I'll give it to you but I'm losing my head here. I've gone to message you so many times this past hour I really need to know how you are and what you're thinking. This is getting very hard right now I need you. Nah nah nah no fucking way are you reading this now, this is just for me. You'll do exactly what I hoped you wouldn't do and throw my feelings back in my face won't you. I think it's time I took a step back, a proper one and stop thinking about you. I hate how you make me feel. I hate that I'm doing exactly what you wanted and opening myself up more and you're fucking me off. Nah I'm over this for now. Come Monday I'm not thinking about you at all. I'm so angry at you, how dare you assume how I'm feeling, how dare you just tell me to be 'better than this' this is what you wanted and now you've got it YOU DONT FUCKING WANT IT. I'm so fed up I loved you so much and u defo don't want me anymore, so fuck you and fuck off. You've broken my heart and I hope you're happy. How can you hurt me so much but I still want to be with you. I still want everything that I told you to get you back after you broke up with me. I want everything with you even though you drive me up the fucking wall. It's because I love you so much and the only reason I'll put up with your shit is because I love you this much and if you don't feel the same don't you dare lead me on. I love you so much and I really don't want to lose you. As embarrassing as this is it's me watching ppl on Netflix being in love that's got me idk wishing I could turn around and just look at you, smile and kiss you. You know what tonight has tested me, you upset me and implied that you don't care which meant I've collected all your stuff ready for when you end it. But now I've calmed down I've reverted to desperately wishing that when you come home you'll still want and love me so I'm a little conflicted now. The one solid decision I have made is that you'll defo read this, whatever I write I'll send to you bc it's stuff i should be saying to your face rn and it just feels right. 27/2: So today feels different like I'm still thinking about you lots but I feel less emotional about it. Idk why maybe I've got over the first hurdle of the weekend and now it's like a new week and idk I just feel more chill about the situation. I'm starting to come to terms with the idea you are going to break up with me but I'm still, however much in vain, hoping you still want to give this a go. I know it's completely your decision and I won't object to what you decide and I would love to fight for you, believe me I would, I'm 100% not ready to give up on you. But I don't think I can, like i know myself and I know that I can't fight for someone who's broke up with my twice. Therefore I will accept what you decide, I'm just praying that you pick to keep me. I've been speaking to Lorna a lot about this, she's been surprisingly helpful about everything, usually she's no good with boy stuff, but I guess she knows me so that's pretty good. She's told me to make sure you know that as per usual I'm lashing out because I'm hurt, she said that you might not see that and I should tell you. I do hope you know me well enough that I lash out against you bc I'm really hurting, it must be very hard to take and I'm so sorry, my actions can be inexcusable sometimes and I hate myself but I just want you to know it isn't because I resent you for leaving or anything it's just hard to deal with. I am trying to change I promise but it will take time but I am so willing to fix this. She also says you might be feeling guilty? I know that's probs not true and you'll interpret my actions as blaming you for all of this and taking no responsibility and all that. So just know anything I say that's mean and stuff it is bc I'm hurting so much so please don't take it to heart (which is obviously so much easier said than done). If it helps I love you so much and I really am just lashing out bc I'm terrified that you're done with me. I'm missing you so much right now. My module leaders emailed me about attendance and I'm looking at getting rid of my implant and things are just getting a bit much. Obviously you'll see this as a 'I'm affecting your education and your life so we should break up' but actually it's more to do with me and how I haven't been myself so I don't want you to use this as an excuse to break up with me or an excuse to stay with me. I want you to stay with me because you want to and not for any other reason. I miss you and I don't know if you miss me and it's killing me. I woke up so good this morning as well but I'm regressing. Can Thursday just come now so I can be put out my misery, I just miss you so much. I do think you're gonna end it tho. There's been a lot of clues recently and I've defo picked up on them, so I am preparing for the worst. But I'm still praying that this break sorts your head out and we come back more solid than ever. I just love you so much and I don't want to let you go. If we do stay together this process of writing down my feelings is helping so much like rereading what I've already felt/ said is really so useful I'll use it to try and communicate better with you. Like not always but through times like this it has helped organise my thoughts and allowed me to just vent. And seriously I have no problem with you reading it as well because it's all the stuff I should be open with you about so I feel positive I can make a good change (if we stay together that is). Maybe because it's half way through and I've been without you for the same amount of time I have to wait to find out (potentially get you back). It's just a lot harder today and I'm missing you a lot even though I woke up okay which is so annoying bc I want to be okay and do as you say and not think of you, which you're probs doing perfectly, but I'm so shit at. I suppose it is part of my personality to fixate on things I can't control so while it may be easy for you to not think about me, I can't do anything but think of u. I want absolutely nothing more right now than for you to be laid next to me with my head on your chest cuddling you, I really miss you. You have no idea how much I want to tell you I miss you right now like I'm thinking constantly of how I can indirect you without properly messaging you and that's so shit of me like you ask me for space and all I want to do is do the opposite. Don't worry tho I'm too scared of rejection to actually do it. Ooo I forgot, I deleted tinder btw the novelty of having it back died off v quickly and it just made me sad and I wasn't swiping right or talking to anyone so what was the point?? Something you said the other day has got me annoyed actually, when you said you wouldn't cook for me because you can't enjoy your own food bc you're wondering how the other person likes it? that's how I feel most times, I always give myself the shittier option so you eat better. So that wasn't great to hear, but still I wouldn't make you do something you wouldn't want to do. I can't wait to have you back. Could really do with a massive cuddle rn. Is it weird that I've only missed sex with you once? All I've wanted to do for the majority of the time is cuddle you, I just want to snuggle into you and just lie there completely content. That's what I miss the most, that and your cute smile you do when you tilt your head up and close your eyes. Oh my god this is so gay, can't wait to see you laughing your ass off reading this (or not depending when I send it u). I'm eating all the food btw but I'll give you money dw. I'm literally the biggest idiot sometimes like why do I torture myself by looking through old photos and screen shots of us??? I love you. I miss you. There's not much else to say now tbh like everyone I speak to is like aw just give him space, you won't break up over this and stuff and I so desperately want to believe them and be like yeah we'll be fine, but I'm scared of not preparing for the worst. You never know tho so can Thursday hurry up the anticipations killing me. I do love you and miss you like crazy. I'm so close to messaging you tho and I have to stop myself every time, like just a simple I miss you text but I have no idea how it would be received so I'm refraining. I think the worst would be if you weren't thinking of me, like if I sent you this and you couldn't relate at all that would break my heart but it's something I can't control so I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. I know you don't like sleeping with me but I miss spooning with you so much like all I want now is to turn over and cuddle you, you're a pain when you're actually asleep but just before is the best time, cuddling you is my fave and I miss it so much. One of my goals seriously is to learn how to peacefully sleep with you bc i love waking up with you. Legit so close to messaging you, still in a half mind to do it like I just need to tell you I miss you but I can't. It's late I should chill,or send it idk. I'm so not chill it's hilarious. Finally deleted it, you've asked for space and I can't be selfish even tho I really want to don't be a twat. You know what it's one o'clock in the morning I'm allowed a moment of weakness, fuck it, feel free to ignore. Shit shit shit shouldn't have done that. 28/2 should not have messaged you last night, just made me feel 10x worse because it's got to be over after that. Defo in self preservation mode now. You now what it's been a good run, I'll miss you like crazy but i respect that you're done. I'd love to say I'll fight again for you bc I love you so much but i can't. I'd fucking love it for you to just come home and say you'll work at it but let's be realistic now. This is breaking my heart and I don't want it to be over. You know what if you claim your feelings are the same as they were when you text me over Christmas then how can you not be willing to fight for us?? Because I am, I know I say I won't and I probably won't but I'm ready to make changes and work at this because yeah it's nice to say don't change for anyone but I want to get rid of the shitty parts of my personality for you because I really don't want to lose you. You make me so happy and I love you so much, like I've done so much for you that will seem normal to most but are fucking ground breaking for me like I told my friends we were having issues like straight into the group chat bc I know they'd all be there for me bc they know how much I love you which is v weird bc they've always seen me as someone who doesn't care. I not only told my parents about you, I introduced you to my whole family after only 3 months???? Like wtf that's how I know we'll go long term bc never in a million years would I have done that for someone I felt more casual about, I wouldn't even have told them about u. So please don't throw away what we have you mean too much to me. This is so hard, can't wait for this break to be over it's so shit not knowing where you stand. (Also done some thinking and identified the cause of my anxiety but it's not really relevant to this). I've been thinking you know when you broke up with me and you were shocked that I wouldn't be friends with you, does that mean you're starting to see me more as a mate, like you're not in love with me anymore?? You're ruining my fave songs u rat. But you can't cry to animals so I'm gonna use that. Why are u never here when I'm freezing??? There's so many things I want to tag u in this is like the start of us all over again except now there's way more things to relate to. I miss you so much honey, like a massive amount, I hope you miss me too tbh. I love you so much and no matter the outcome on Thursday I'll just be happy to see you even if it is only short lived. I actually thought I was having a good day, I haven't thought about you that much and got a lot of my essay done. But now it's got too much. I just miss you so much all I want is for you to walk through the door, grab me, kiss me and cuddle me. Like so much I really don't want you to end this like at all, I know you've had doubts but I don't have them and I really want to work through everything with you bc I love you so much. Legit missing you so much rn. Urgh I'm listening to 90s hits and reading things from my youth and I've got that horrible nostalgic feeling you know that makes you want to either reverse 5 yrs or die. Sorry this isn't really to do with u I just had to write it down, I'm a changed woman now, so open with my feelings ew. Is it bad I can't remember the last time we kissed. Did we when we got back together for like 2 secs? I can't remember and that's got me fucked up bc if you break up with me then I can't remember our last kiss. Wow that's upset me quite a bit. Is it bad a cute little text from you rn would make everything?? 1/3 miss you. As if you've text me so much today this is weird, where do we stand? Who knows??? Not really much to say today tbh, been sooo busy w netball and essays and games that you've kinda been pushed from my mind. I can't really describe how I felt when I saw your name come up on my phone, surprise is probs easiest. Then you spoke to me for ages which was so weird. Like i found myself smiling a lot, it was really nice. No idea how tmrws gonna go now, we'll see. Was a lil bit pissed off tho bc will played the 1975 and sexual and I asked him to turn it off and he refused like I asked a lot and not in a whinging voice like I'm v big on my song association so regardless to how I feel about you I just didn't want to listen to them. What a rat. 2/3