#this is kind of depressing lol

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Trimax Thoughts Vol. 4 Pt. 3

Alright. Bit of a heavier one for tonight. I want to talk Vash's relation to his own feelings of anger and how these tie into his suicidal thoughts, because it's tragically fascinating and I still can't really make heads or tails out of it - specifically in that I don't think anyone is a reliable narrator in this situation so I'm left a little lost as to who to believe.

(ID: A screenshot of four panels from Chapter 7 of Volume 4 of Trigun Maximum. A conversation between Hoppered and Vash takes place, in which Hoppered says "I bet you want to kill me too, right? Of course you do... You want to tear me limb from limb." A somewhat grainy image of Rem, smile visible but eyes hidden, is shown, before Vash replies, his eyes narrowed, "Yeah... I do..." End ID.)

Warning! I am going to be discussing Vash's no good, very bad mental health. It's nothing worse than what is obvious from a read of the manga but if you're not in the headspace for it, you might want to skip this one. I had a bit of trouble writing it, if I'm being honest.

Volume 4 basically solidified what had kept cropping up all throughout the manga - Vash is keeping himself going only through his goal of "settling the score" with Knives. On the next page, Vash says the following:

"That's why... you can go right ahead and kill me. But... before I give you that chance... before I let you bind me in chains, lock me up, and torture me to death... I will send Knives to hell!"

Yikes buddy. This has been a running bit of characterization all throughout the manga - Vash survives because he has to. He takes small moments of joy where he can, tries to smile even when he's not feeling it, looks on the bright side even when things seem hopeless, because that's the only way he can survive to do what he has to. <- There's nothing especially wrong with this. This is a coping mechanism and as far as his coping mechanisms go, it's not so bad at all. It's actually pretty good, all things considered.

Problem is, he also has to embody the ideal he strives for - that no one needs to die, that he will never kill. And herein lies the issue, because Vash already feels like a monster because of July. Any deviation from the peace loving pacifist image he tries so hard to maintain brings Vash's self-loathing to the surface.

Ex. Vash sees the moon his angel arm blew a hole in and goes from denying culpability for the destruction of July to hardly resisting and calling himself a murderer.

Ex. Vash expresses that he holds murderous sentiment towards Hoppered. He sees this as a justifiable reason for Hoppered to kill him.

Even the thought that he has or could still deviate from his promise made in Rem's memory causes him immense amounts of shame. Vash does not want to harm people. Is it out of love? Is it out of guilt? I think at this point, there's no separating them. Vash doesn't kill out of a mix of these two emotions that are so intertwined in his core they have become inextricable.

The thing is... Vash's driving emotion appears to actually be anger, specifically, anger against Knives. He wants to "settle the score", which is a pretty retributive mentality for someone trying to embody pacifism. In fact, that kind of motivation strongly clashes with that image in a way that imo cannot coexist. It's reasonable in his mind to take that stance against Knives, who is not one of the humans Rem died to save, but against humans, it's unacceptable. So, Vash represses his anger constantly.

A great example of this is watching the contrast between Vash fighting Leonof and Wolfwood fighting Ninelives. Wolfwood fights with his emotions on visceral display; he is loud and cocky and desperate and violent. Vash, on the flip side, is almost dangerously quiet and composed, to the point Wolfwood seems a bit disturbed by it - but it's all repression. He needs to stay focused, his motions are calculated to reduce harm even against the puppets, he's eerily silent and his facial expressions are controlled and muted for the most part; all methods that Vash uses to stay in control (<- this is important!).

Here's the thing. I don't know that I necessarily, fully believe that Vash wants to kill Hoppered. I don't know that I trust anyone's narration in this scene - first of all, Hoppered is mad projecting his animosity onto Vash because he needs to secure the image of Vash as unrepentant destroyer of July; if Vash isn't the demon he believes him to be, his quest for revenge was for nothing (well, sort of. Vash obviously did destroy the city, but the intent was not there - and the latter seems to be what Hoppered is banking his hatred on). Hoppered earlier accused Vash of enjoying the fight... which is pretty clearly not true, so that it was Hoppered who prompted Vash's admittance above is a little suspect. Second, we've seen what Vash looks like when actually violently angry.

(ID: Two separate images screenshotted from the Trigun manga. The first shows Vash raising his gun at a recently reborn Knives, angrily shouting the other's name. The second shows Vash having jammed the barrel of his gun into Monev's eye, clearly close to pulling the trigger. End ID.)

To me, I see little indication in the build up to this of Vash legitimately wanting to kill Hoppered. He had no desire to kill Rai-Dei after all, and that was after he knew the GHG were targeting Home. Hoppered is probably the most sympathetic of the GHG. Vash is also in a self-destructive mindset in this scene, having just called himself a murderer after seeing the damage done to the moon again.

Is he agreeing with Hoppered's projection because he wants Hoppered to continue to hate him enough to punish him for the deaths of all those people? (The image of Rem then becomes symbolic of his having already failed to uphold her sacrifice.) Or should I be taking his words at face value and he really does want to kill Hoppered? (In this case, the image of Rem is out of guilt for voicing something aloud that goes against his image of her.) Is it possible that a combination of his self-loathing in this scene and fear of himself has him agreeing with Hoppered out of resignation that despite his best efforts, he is doomed to destroy? (Like in fifth moon's "we were no good from the start". The image of Rem is thus the image of someone genuinely good and kind to him, an image he feels he cannot embody no matter how hard he tries.)

I find it very ambiguous honestly. Any interpretation is compelling from a character sense. Perhaps they all hold merit to some degree.

Regardless of how you interpret the line though, Vash is obviously angry, and for good reason - Hoppered, Midvalley and Zazie have taken Meryl. He's also likely afraid for her too - dude did jump out a window for like no practical purpose whatsoever before Zazie even finished talking. Like that's really sweet buddy but you accomplished absolutely nothing of use lol. Anyways. The point is, even if Vash was angry enough to want to kill Hoppered (and it would be for this reason, since nothing else would really warrant that), then that still wouldn't make Vash secretly evil and awful - first off, having a thought does not mean you will actually act on it, and second, what's the thing we keep getting shown and told, again and again?

Anyone will pick up a gun when their loved ones are threatened.

It's very natural to feel animosity for a person who may have harmed someone we care about. In that sense, Vash is behaving very human.

However, there's an extra layer here that complicates things. Vash has never been shy about his anger, but I think there is a bit of a progression of Vash kind of... tamping down on it faster, reeling it back in a little sooner after an initial flare of rage. ...Ever since Fifth Moon, actually. We also know that he has a strict training regimen, he does not miss a target, even blindfolded - Vash clearly maintains strong control over himself, all to mitigate the potential damage he could cause.

But then there's his Plant abilities. The angel arm. Something destructive he clearly does not understand, and has little if any control over (never mind that control was literally wrenched away from him but whatever). I don't think it's a stretch to say Vash is terrified of losing control.

Any human can feel hatred and anger and potentially cause moderate amounts of harm and damage, but these are likely to be targeted and can be more easily contained. Vash feels hatred and anger and has the capacity to level a city and blow a hole in a celestial body in the blink of an eye, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That must be terrifying.

Because, see, the no-killing thing is out of respect for Rem, but Vash also strongly wants to, needs to believe that non-violent solutions are possible, that people are good, that anyone can change. Vash, out of some combination of love and guilt, does not actually want to harm anyone, but Vash is also a living gun just under the surface of his iron self-control. And being reminded of that deeply fucks him up, to the point he believes he is a danger by nature, incapable of living up to the standard of kindness he wants to put into the world, so even just the thought of wanting to inflict harm on another is enough to send him spiraling - because what if that is the point he loses his control? "I should never have been born" indeed...

It's interesting to me that Vash should call Wolfwood out on his lack of hope in a future for the world, when he so clearly has little if any hope in a future for himself. He allots himself no place in the world. Maybe you should allow yourself to heal a little, buddy. You have some people pretty close by who, in spite of it all, like you quite a lot...

#starting putting ids under my images since i want to make sure they are easily accessible! should've been doing that before... sorry #(hope they're ok! i tried lol) #also i apologize for the delay in writing this - the topic + my stupid depression episode was uh. not a good combo. i just couldn't write #while in that headspace. #i hope this actually made sense lol i have no idea if it flowed well or makes sense or if i wildly misinterpreted #tw suicidal thoughts #<-if there is a better tag for me to be using for these kinds of discussions please inform me! #trigun #trigunbookclub #trimax #trigun meta #vash the stampede #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective. #storyrambles

[nuppu-nuppu]

Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again

#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining #once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol #like idk how to be friends #i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely #and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have #actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality #i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again #because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it #pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic #how do i start living again #how does one live anyway #im just in my head all the time #this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness #im so stupid!!! #im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself #im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself #but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go #idk how to be a person anymore #i’m just sad #thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol

[bunnihearted]

im depressed in a way that makes me unable to get into or enjoy anything and that's making me feel frustrated and unable to relax bc i cant escape into something and distract myself from the pain

#like i dont have a show im watching.. i've tried 7 different ones and i watch like 10mins and then im like nah :/ #and i switch to the next one... but that one isnt good enough either lol. so i just dont care enough to get into any of them #and it's the same with games.. i cant choose just one to watch. i get bored by any gameplay i try to watch #books too... trying to read books but with all of them im like meh :/// #!!!!!! going crazy #im just the kind of person who NEEDS to have my current show/book/gameplay bc that is my only comfort in life #but i cant find anything that is fun bc im simply too depressed to like or care abt anything >.< #i get this general unrest and frustration when i dont have my moment of just settling down and relaxing and escaping into whatever media #so that makes me even more miserable and unhappy yikes 🥴 i hate everything rn im so unhappy and everything's a mess & idk what to do abt it

[bl00dw1tch]

Watching someone play afop and im so. Oh my god. Oh my GOD. It's literally just a fucking showcase of all the Exact type of shit that has been happening to indigenous people and people of color have been dealing with for Centuries at the hands of white supremacy and imperialism. Like its literally just Showing all that Shit from the perspective of a Na'vi in universe. So it "demonizes" the RDA accordingly. And uet so many fucking reviewers are joshing on it and calling it Boring and Slow and Uninspired and that it makes human's 'cartoonishly evil' LIKE YOU PEOPLE HAVENT LOOKED AT A SINGLE FUCKING CURRENT EVENT IN YOUR LIVES. Oh my god im so mad at all these fucking reviewers now. The fucking AUDACITY to look at something this fucking Honest about the cruelty humans are capable of, while living during the fucking day and age with all this Knowledge we have at our fingertips -- the fucking audacity to look at this game and what the character goes through and not being able to muster up ANY other fucking emotion besides "ubisoft never was great at story anyway so idc lol" fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Like actually. You can't even fucking ATTEMPT to connect to this story emotionally? Not even a fucking Smidge? Jesus fucking christ people need everything to be spoon fed to them these days. God forbid a piece of media actually ask you to meet it in the middle for once.

#horse.txt #vent // #im mad lol. the farther i get into the story the more mad i get #oh oh the humans putting the Na'vi in cages is a bit extreme? a bit unrealistic?? #what the fuck has been going on US borders for the past two decades then. #oh oh the pollution of the land and the water to hurt resistance efforts and native populations is so cartoonishly evil!! #HUMANS WOULD NEEEEVER DO SOMETHING SO DIABOLICAL 😱😱😱 #get fucking real. i am so tired of people looking down on Avatar when it's one of the first pieces of mainstream media that ive Ever seen #cover these topics in a fictional lense with So candidly. and nobody wants to fucking take it seriously because it makes them Uncomfortable #to see humans be the fucking badguys #iTS NOT EVEN ABOUT /ALL/ HUMANS THE REAL VILLIAN IS THE FUCKING RDA! ITS CAPITALISM!!!!! #THATS THE FUCKING POINT!!! but noooo people are so fucking sensitive they cant see it as anything but 'misanthropic' #like all of the humans in the resistance arent RIGHT FUCKING THERE for one. and for two ACKNOWLEDGING HUMANITIES FLAWS ISNT MISANTHROPIC #humans have flaws!!! we are capable of great cruelty just as much as we are great kindness!!! #if simply acknowledging and exploring that fact in stories is 'misanthropic' and depresses you then thats on YOU. #grow some thicker skin or something dude idk lol

[kimberlyannharts]

Something interesting to keep in mind about Tommy's characterization in The Return is how the crux of all adult!Tommy stories in the prime timeline - his status as the legendary, longest-running ranger of all time and how that interferes with his personal life and sense of self - shouldn't really apply to him in The Return's timeline. With all of the OGs keeping their powers their entire lives, he ironically has the shortest career of all of them, if only by a couple weeks/months. So it'll be interesting to see how Tommy is written in a story where he doesn't have the burden he carries in stories like Wedding Vows or Soul of the Dragon; he's "just" Kim's husband and Olivia's father who also happens to be the Green Ranger.

It'll also be interesting considering it's safe to assume this will mostly be written from Kim's perspective, and we already have the impression from the Re-Imagine prologue that she considers the non-Ranger memories of Tommy (the proposal, their wedding, working together as coaches) as positive ones while the Ranger memories were mostly negative. So I think we'll get more about him as a person and husband with the ranger stuff being secondary rather than him as a ranger with the family life stuff being secondary

#text #mmpr comic #it's kind of a hot take i guess but the continued focus on how Tommy can't let go of his ranger life in stories like WV and SotD..... #kind of depressing lol #like yes it's 'realistic' i guess but....it's hard to read sometimes #i feel 'put the morpher away for ONE DAY' was supposed to be funny/show how put together Kat is #but it just kind of made me sad.

[b4kuch1n]

more sk8. I think the cindereki stuff is extremely stupid but I am not immune to trying to conceptualize a princess gown in any setting

#sk8 the infinity #kyan reki #hasegawa langa #renga #if ur wondering yes the first gown I uh. pulled? from the brothers grimm version's idea #which I do prefer to the perrault/disney version. specifically bc there's no fairy #there are three balls happening on three consecutive nights and each night cinderella gets a gown and accessories from a tree #growing on her mom's grave #(the version I grew up with (translated to vietnamese) actually wrote it to be her dad's grave instead I literally dont know why) #and the wording is like. ''rain gold and silver on me'' or something like that? which is why all of the dangly bits in that design #(dont worry about the rest of the brothers grimms version. thats not important. dont think about it its not in the room with us) #also in this post: future!renga bc of fucking course. who do you think I am. who do you think I am #I see a character I love I immediately try to imagine a good future for them it is Simply my ways #ft. the lethal combo of being three kinds of queer + adhd + a teen #may just be bc I myself don't go to college lol. but I can't really imagine reki going to college. he'd get apprenticeship somewhere #like immediately. on sight. some uncle in nago would snatch him up a sentence in #I waffle on langa but him just getting out of the biggest shock of his life + severe depression would Not let go of his loved ones #so tbh I can't imagine him leaving okinawa either. at least right after high school #langa has the advantage of not giving a single shit about ''his potentials'' so he'll be chasing life's pleasures for a hot second thank you #also I believe in reki speaking at least passable conversational english thank you. he's trans and gay in asia #he's just also the kind of guy who has to think for a hot second to remember which way the written number 3 faces #''nailed the logic just plugged the wrong number in several times'' kind of guy #while langa's the ''doesn't understand the fundamental concept of puzzles'' kind of guy #man. this is like having two homunculi implanted in my brain. welcome boys come join leon pokemon #talk to each others while I do my job ok? thank you #that said. the comm queue should be finished up soon #(funny thing to say about three comms I know. but I will say it anyway) #and I'll take a few days break to unclench my brain and then get back into it #every day I learn new things about the dip pen. its great #okay. nap now tho. anything else can wait

[jacksoldsideblog]

truly nothing more depressing than seeing a blog glorifying self harm in the fight club tag in an unironic way and you click through to see its an anorexic 14 year old :/ i wish i could communicate like... it doesn't make you cool or better, it's not an actual way to control things in your life, i am so so sorry you think this is the sexy answer. but also jesus why do you blog about it

#like damn weve all been 14 yrs old and making health decisions that are actively damning your future health in very concerning ways #but also like #these blogs exist because of each other and if i could nuke every single one i could because that might help even one of these kids #to recover #jesus #makes me feel old #like. ive been there lol. youre depressed and 12 and self harm seems right and also cool #but thats insidious as hell snd listening to that is whats going to make you depressed for half a decade #i think the hardest part of growing up is seeing kids make the same or similar mistakes you did and knowing if you say anything they will #almost certainly double down and dig themselves deeper #but you feel its a crime not to say anything and also remember lack of pushback being part of the problem #but its just. you cant fix anyone #i wasnt anorexic ftr but its Very Relatable unfortunately #anyway whether i like it or not i have a lot of teenagers following me i think #all of you. be nice to yourselves #actively pursue making your life better #not in a momentary happiness sort of way but in a taking the work to get over your mental illness and grow and become a more confident and #secure person kind of way #it sounds impossible and it feels like hell but literally the biggest part is just really trying to do it and letting go of the comfort of #the pains you know vs the unknown pains of change #i should stop soapboxing because this is getting silly long lol

[rp-meme-world]

angst starters: loneliness  (for more angsty prompts, click here!)  tw: depression, isolation

❝ i just feel so alone. ❞

❝ just leave me alone. ❞

❝ i’m better off alone. ❞

❝ loneliness isn’t always a bad thing. ❞

❝ please stay. ❞

❝ please don’t leave me. ❞

❝ love when you’re ready — not when you’re lonely. ❞

❝ i’m just so scared of being lonely. ❞

❝ are you even listening to me? ❞

❝ don’t do that. don’t shut me out. ❞

❝ i feel like you’re just using me because you can’t stand the thought of being alone. ❞

❝ you’re the one who asked me to leave you alone. ❞

❝ thanks for the invite, by the way. ❞ /s

❝ this loneliness is killing me. ❞

❝ i thought going out might make me feel less alone, but honestly? i just feel worse. ❞

❝ i’d rather be lonely than around people who don’t give a shit about me. ❞

❝ i’m not leaving you. ❞

❝ i think loneliness is beautiful. ❞

❝ how could you, of all people, be lonely? ❞

❝ i don’t think it’s good for you to be alone right now. ❞

❝ feeling lonely has nothing to do with being alone. ❞

❝ do you ever just sit in a crowded room and still feel... completely alone? ❞

❝ loneliness is just another part of life. ❞

#angst theme #rp meme #rp sentence starters #depression tw #kind of a shorter one sorry!! #this was way harder than i thought it would be lol

[marc-spectorr]

hi :)

#ive been super busy and depressed but im backkk #my new year’s resolution is to start writing again so here i am lol #im also gonna be catching up on A LOT of fics pls bear with me #hoping 2024 will be kind to you all <3

[autisticlancemcclain]

i know it’s a stupid thing to whine about and i’m sorry but the low engagement in my fics lately is super bumming me out, plus the wildfires means there’s no sunlight rn and that uh. is generally bad. for my brain. so i’m going to take a break for a bit?? for at least tonight. i need to sort my shit out and do some writing practice to figure out what i’m doing wrong. FRF is definitely still on and queued for tomorrow, and i haven’t decided about wip wednesday yet (not even sure if i’m continuing that bc so far that’s been a flop) so i’ll let y’all know :) be safe and stay healthy everyone i’ll be back soon

#i feel so bad guys i’m sorry #but lately every time i post i feel like i’m failing the peer review and since i am among the most sensitive it bitches you will ever meet #that is going unwell for me #u know that scene in inside. where bo is like yeah so my mental health is kind of at an atl #not atlanta #but all time low? #that’s me rn. #lol #anyways. i’m still going to be writing lots bc writing still makes me feel good #it’s just the posting that makes me want to cry #so. #anyways sorry this is cringe and embarrassing and emotional #i’ll be back either tomorrow or with further information tomorrow #depends on if my seasonal depressed ass sees the sun or not lol you’d be shocked at how fast i spiral #lmao #personal #announcement #?

[lord-squiggletits]

I need to reread the comics again to have specific arguments/evidence for this, but like

I feel a bit like I could've been sympathetic to the way other Cybertronian colonies view Cybertron, if it weren't for the fact that at least several of them (as in, ones that get notable dialogue/screen time) are so low-key self-righteous?

Like, idk... there's a lot of criticism of Cybertronians because they're so "warlike" and how their obsession with violence and vengeance is just dragging the whole galaxy down with them, but uh. The Autobot-Decepticon war was basically a product of societal ills bubbling over for like 6 million years beforehand and then finally boiling over into a 4 million year war that lasted as long as it did because the people involved had immense social/psychological trauma from being "raised" in an oppressive society.

So when the colonists come in being all 'omg you people are so violent and uncivilized why don't you just like, stop fighting' it kind of pissed me off a little bit as a reader/person like. Idk the colonists really came into this society of people full of massive amounts of trauma where even before the war society was super oppressive and no one has any experience of living "normal" lives unaffected by violence and bigotry. And the colonists were like "ummm wow why don't you guys just??? stop fighting???." Like idk it wasn't EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, in fact I think that when it was played for laughs it's quite a funny "fridge horror" type element. It was just annoying because like.... IDK???? It's just really annoying to watch a bunch of people who lived relatively sheltered lives on their own planets come to a different planet full of traumatized people and be like "omg why are you people so fucked up" IDK BRO MAYBE BECAUSE THEIR SOCIETY WAS OPPRESSIVE AND THEY LIVED THROUGH A LIFELONG WAR???

It also doesn't help that the colonies were literally founded based on imperialism and conquest so like, it's fucking rich to hear colonists scolding Cybertronians for their violence ruining the whole galaxy while literally sitting on planets that their Primes colonized from others. The hypocrisy of this is briefly mentioned in Unicron (literally the FINAL STORY OF THE SERIES) but like, that's basically the only time Cybertronian characters are given a reprieve of sympathy from other characters in universe and it's so tiresome.

I've talked to other people who didn't like the colonists and thought they basically (narratively speaking) existed just to shit on the existing characters, and it's actually really easy for me to sympathize with/outright agree with that assessment of the story considering how much of exRID/OP seems to be preoccupied with "Cybertron/the Primes/Optimus sucks" with very few reprieves for anything positive happening and even fewer chances for characters to get to explain themselves and experience a little bit of justice? Like, as the audience, it's just very frustrating to see the characters you spent hundreds of issues keeping up with get shit on by a bunch of "literally-who"s and then not really get a chance to ever defend themselves, either by literally defending themselves in conversation or having some sort of narrative thing happening that vindicates them at least symbolically

#squiggposting #paused work to muse about this which i prolly shouldn't have lol #oh well i'll still get stuff done #like idk an example of this is how pyra criticized OP for using religion to manipulate people #(lets just ignore how she said she would teach OP but never actually did) #but in the story there's never any sort of confrontation where pyra learns about history or talks with OP #and OP gets to be like. yeah on my planet primes fucking sucked and i'm the only one trying to redeem their image #also ive been fighting an endless war that lasted 4 mil years in which me being a shining figurehead was basically #the sole motivating force keeping my army from just collectively succumbing to endless despair #and i also had to use this shining figurehead image i had to keep the opposing army from genociding a bunch of organics #like not once does OP get to express his side of things he's basically just shit upon endlessly by other characters as he keeps doing plot #i feel like i had another example but i can't recall who/what was involved lmao #like idk it's not just that barber's writing is depressing and dark and edgy. i LIKE stories that do that kind of thing #it's just that it feels a bit as if the story is ENDLESSLY depressing and dark and edgy with almost no reprieve #as if it's mostly presenting the flaws of the characters with no chance for them to justify or redeem themselves #idk i feel like there was another better point/example i was gonna make but i can't remember it #like idk i guess a dark depressing story would've been better if the characters at least got to defend themselves #bc as is it basically feels like they (esp OP) get shit on endlessly and never once get to express anything about it #so like. they get shit on in universe. but also as the reader since there's never a contradicting viewpoint or the character defending them #it's as if you're supposed to take this one-sided criticism of them at face value and it just doesn't seem fair AS THE READER #if i read about OP getting shit on by some people and defended by others and also him expressing his opinion on himself #then that just feels like a normal fair narrative where i get to take sides #but if it's just OP being shit on and he hardly expresses much about it #then it feels like i as the reader am expected to agree with the portrayal being shown? #but in reality the portrayal just feels negative and unfair and one sided to me #and why the fuck do i want to read a story that's just the characters i know and like on an endless shame parade #also shout out to 'literally who' aka slide calling OP 'literally fascist' lmao #one of the most cringe moments of the entire comic. wait no. i can think of a more cringe Slide Moment #when unicron is about to destroy the planet and trypticon is getting shot and dying(?) in the background #and the story decides to pause and focus on Slide so she can monologue about how evil and tyrannical OP is

[imekitty]

Today I worked on:

Disillusioned: 1004 words

Last sentences written:

“You are still a child, Danny. And you’re my child.”

#today I worked on #4/10/2024 #kind of depressed today so I tried to write a little more than usual #maybe I'll feel better if I can make myself useful giving readers what they want sooner #validation or something ig idk lol

[dragonji]

well the bookstore job I was truly excited for and the retail job that I was so sure my interview went well with apparently both chose someone else instead so. back to the downswing we go I shouldn't have tempted fate by getting my hopes up lol

#j.txt #I really felt so proud of myself for that interview I thought I came off as confident and pleasant and they even complimented me multiple- #times throughout. but I guess there was someone better lol🫡 #the bookstore job didnt even get to an interview with me they just emailed to say the position was now filled. like I knowww- #im not supposed to take these kinds of things personally but I actually am deeply disappointed and upset lol🙃 #my main is giving me One shift a week bc of limited hours like I Have to get something else on top of that or its over. but first Im going #to be languishing in depression for the evening ig #job*

[electoons]

guys this "keeping myself busy with distractions so I don't get sad" thing isn't working

#my mom is basically scrubbing the house of all traces of her bc thats how she copes. thats what she did when dad died #like two days later she was cleaning out all his medical equipment and stuff #i guess thats a way of dealing with it :( just doesnt really work for me because it makes me feel their absence even harder #like for me i personally wanted to keep Dad's stuff around for a while because. idk i guess it just felt like he was still kind of there #in a way. i guess. i dunno #obviously losing a pet is easier to deal with than losing a parent but it still blows dude i hate this #(* a parent that you had a good relationship with. i know that im very fortunate in that regard. not everyone had that and i need to count #my blessings) #idk this feels harder than losing my childhood dog because jojo was basically my constant companion for the past several years #after dad died i got suicidally depressed and didnt leave the house and was unemployed for a good chunk of time and she kept me company #taking her for walks and hikes was the only thing i enjoyed doing and the only thing that got me out of the house. she was always there #(also there's probably some psychological component to the fact that we adopted her specifically to be a companion for dad #when he was wheelchair-bound and couldnt go anywhere. so she kept him company. and then after he died she did the same for me #so. idk. like.... i feel like theres something there lol) #mia.txt #animal death

[problemcore]

hiiii halfway? thru the story. hard as hell to avoid spoilers online i need to stay away 😭 rant in tags, spoilers for 2.2 . i already reached 30 tags wow 💀

#chris noises #hsr #spoilers ahead -> #/////////////////////////////////////////////// #ROBIIIIIIINNNNN WAAAAHHHH 😭😭😭😭😭 #her unwavering love and belief in humans to survive against all odds....... #her inherent kindness and desire to help everyone #SHE IS HARMONY !!! THATS WHAT HARMONY IS ALL ABOUTTT !!!!! #i love sunday but he's Slightly pissing me off rn #is this really what you believe in..... that the weak must die so the strong can live... that its the only way for life to continue.... #can't wait to beat him up later lol #AGHHH I LOVE YOU SUNDAY BUT YOU MAKE ME SO CONFLICTED !!!!!! #oh the gallagher stuff was so interesting....... the memory zone memes being his Pets. thats funny #i love you gallagher im sorry i called you ugly a few updates ago.... #cant even begin to talk about firefly.... genuinely lights up my world everytime she's on screen #BLADIEEE THE BLADIE CAMEO???? #STELLARON HUNTERS ARE SUCH A FAMILYYYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAA #acheron and black swan 🥹 i love how black swan is Terrified of her and yet constantly looks out for her #girl Me Too... #acheron agh the heartache you bring me. girl i will get you ibuprofen i promise. #dan heng 💜💜💜💜💜💜 no complaints as usual. perfect boy. im so glad he's out of his depressive episode so we can see him on penacony 😭😭 #boothill. #i have nothing to say about him. #did i miss anyone.... #mm OH MISHA. MY SON. i cannot wait to see how it will all connect back to him #he IS connected to mikhail. no doubt in my heart #i wonder if after this update he'll finally board the express .... my son my boy.... #im so excited to see jing yuan later #and.... aaaahhhhhh my wife the love of my life. aventurine come back home i miss you #its been a month im experiencing wife withdrawal (<- copyrighted michael egotokill material do not use without express permission)

[valeriianz]

a get to know me game!

found this in my drafts, whoops! tagged by @gabessquishytum <3 thanks :)

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Were you named after anyone?

not named after, but my name means "Christ-like" which is so fucking cringe of my evangelical parents (and my middle name adds onto it like a full on biblical phrase. i hate my name and is mostly why i just go by Kris now)

Do you have kids?

no and i never will.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

i used to joke with my staff that im "practicing my sarcasm" because working in restaurant kitchens surrounded by sarcastic ass, misogynistic men, i had to play by their rules to get any semblance of respect. but im quite bad at it and when im using sarcasm it nearly always comes across bitchy, so i've toned back a lot.

What's the first thing you notice about people?

their mood for sure. ive been managing and working with people for a while now and have gotten pretty good at gauging people's individual tells and how to best approach or keep my distance.

What's your eye colour?

brown.

Scary movie or happy ending?

hey some scary movies have happy endings, this is a bad question lol (both. both is good)

Any special talents?

not really, but i've worked quite a few odd jobs. i was a professional theatre critic for 2.5 years and also worked in a detail auto shop so ive been professionally trained to perform glass, wax, and leather treatments to cars, as well as general interior cleaning like salt extraction and steaming as well.

What are your hobbies?

im desperate to try and get back into hobbies. im in a rut in my life currently where i sleep, work, and on my days off i stare at my computer screen... its really fucking depressing. i wanna try getting back into video games but MOSTLY i am dying to do something with my hands, get my eyes off a screen (and i'll take suggestions, honestly).

Have any pets?

i currently have one black cat, his name is Dante :)

What sport do you play/have you played?

kickboxing! lol is that a sport?

How tall are you?

5'6 (167cm)

Favourite subject at school?

english

Dream job?

i dont think i have a "dream job" anymore. whatever it is though, i'd be working for myself and not giving my time and energy to something i don't care about.

tagging, if y'all want: @ml-nolan @delta-pavonis @kemurai6-dominion-of-dust @beatnikfreakiswriting @notallsandmen

#this got kind of depressing sorry guys lol #ive been in a mood i guess #tag game #personal