Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
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THIS ENTIRE INTERACTION IS SO PURE
"I'm like you now....a Demon!"
("You precious, precious little cherub...")
*heart shattered*
(can't even) "Sorry! Sorry!" XD
(so innocent)
"You really think you're a demon?"
(complete toddler meltdown) "I'm a Fallen Angel!"
("Ohh, he actually believes he's going to Hell. Alright...let's de-escalate things a bit.")
"I LIED...to thwart the Will of God!" (this poor lamb)
"Well yeah, you did but...I'm not going to tell anyone. Are you?"
(You sweet, precious, dear, little cinnamon roll . It's going to be okay. Bildad the Shuhite is guarding over you.)
"Well....then nothing has to change!"
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Danyal Al Ghul: Incorrect Quotes and Miscellaneous Thoughts
Incorrect quotes-style snippets specifically for my danyal al ghul au here (which i really need to come up with a unique au name for atp). Because I thought it'd be funny. And also some miscellaneous headcanons thrown into the mix.
Some context for the au:
- Danyal is 5 years older than Damian (so 10 and 15)
- Danny faked his death when he was 10. Talia knows and helped him with it.
- Jazz, Sam, and Tucker do not know he's an ex-assassin.
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Snippet 1
Danny, dryly tapping his temple: I have, as the Americans say, irreparable psychological damage, right here.
Jazz, an older sibling first and foremost: well, it's good that you're self-aware.
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Snippet 2
Danny, aged 10, in the American foster planning to just age out of the system: *emanating Bad Vibes. Pure, Little Orphan Tom Riddle Energy*
Jazz, aged 12, coming in to adopt a new sibling with her parents: Him. This is my brother now :)
Danny: ...what
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Lilo and Stitch is Danny's favorite Disney movie. He watched it when he was 11 with Jazz when she was attempting to connect with him, and by this point Danny was becoming receptive to her efforts. They had a movie marathon in the living room one night.
Safe to say? It resonated with his little 11 year old heart strongly, and he related very strongly with both Nani and Stitch. He got unexpectedly emotional and hid in his room for the rest of the night. Jazz felt really bad, but it had the intended (but kinda unexpected) effect of him trying to be nicer to her afterwards.
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Snippet 3
Dash, aged 12, causing trouble again and getting intercepted by Danny: *scaling up a desk* AHHHHH! GET YOUR LITTLE FREAK, FOLEY!
Tucker: Hey! Danny is not a freak!
Dash: GET HIM TO BACK OFF
Tucker, was the kid Dash was messing with: ....whats in it for me
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Snippet 4
Danny, saying some questionably immoral shit: What. Why are you looking at me like that.
Tucker: Bro. I mean this as kindly as possible; what the fuck?
Sam: yeah, I'm with Tuck on this one.
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Snippet 5
Danny, ranting about Vlad: if it weren't for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered him
Sam, painting his nails black: I'm pretty sure you'd slaughter him regardless of the laws of the land -- and quit moving, you're gonna mess me up.
Tucker: we've literally seen you debate yourself about this, Dan
Danny: ...you are correct, but it is the principle of things.
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Snippet 6
Vlad: I have experience my child, and the money and power attained through using those powers for personal gain, you say. I could train you, teach you everything I know! And all you have to do is renounce that idiot adoptive father of yours.
Danny, was already contemplating committing a Violence: ....
Danny, internally: I'm going to stab him *turns into Phantom*
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Funny contrast I realized between Danyal and Vlad that iirc I haven't pointed out yet is that imo, Danyal doesn't rely on his powers nearly half as much as canon Danny does. He falls back instinctually on his League training, and thus sometimes forgets to use his powers in battle. This was prevalent especially early on when he was still getting used to the whole 'halfa' thing.
He incorporates them more often after a year, but still for the most part relies on his own physical hand-to-hand combat. He trusts those skills much more than he does his powers. I'm not sure where he is on a technical level compared to canon, but just to stay safe I'll say he's similar in power skill as canon Danny. Perhaps a little more finessed than him because his League training would probably have him trying to figure out his powers as soon as possible.
But in summary? Danny is strong in hand-to-hand combat, weak in powerset.
Meanwhile Vlad is the opposite. I can't recall if he even knows hand-to-hand in canon, but it makes total sense to me that Vlad Masters wouldn't because he's so confident in his monetary influence and ghost abilities that he sees no need for it.
And he's kinda got some merit behind it. He's very powerful and has 20 years of experience to experiment and fine tune his powers. He's got bite to follow up his bark. He's perfected long-range combat and his ability to phase through walls makes it impossible to corner him, but if you can manage it, then one good hit could probably knock him on his ass.
So in summary, Vlad is strong in powerset, weak in hand-to-hand combat.
And it casts a good contrast between the two of them in that regard. Danny, as a fellow halfa, can follow Vlad when he phases through walls and is fast enough to land a hit on him. His league training as an assassin, albeit rusty, is still deep ingrained enough in him that he can hold up as a rather veritable threat against Vlad without needing his powers.
But Vlad can force Danny to use his powers more often through use of his own. The duplication is the first thing to come to mind: Danny's fast enough to dispel them on his own without powers, and smart enough that he could figure out who the real one is if given a few minute. But that's not always efficient enough.
Good foils for each other that way. Also Vlad's Plasmius design mimics Ra's juuust enough that he looks like Ra's knockoff loser second cousin no one talks about, which only fuels Danny's hatred.
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Snippet 7
Danny, ranting about Vlad for the first time: --and it's only made worse by the fact that the little ingrate resembles a cheap knock-off of my grandfather!--
Sam, choking on her water: he what--
Tucker, doing a spittake: HE DOES?
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In today's Adventuring Party it's mentioned that Fabian's first experience with the other dance bards was basically a sink or swim acceptance of their Thespian Energy™. The only way to survive was to embrace the shameless absurdity of the situation or be destroyed. Fabian succeeded.
As I thought about the Gorgug's talk with Porter , it might be a similar situation, but with Barbarians. Porter outright told Gorgug that he doesn't embrace his own rage, and it's self evident throughout their conversation. No well worded argument as to why Gorgug should multiclass would have ever convinced him, I think. When Porter mishandles Cloaca, Gorgug tries to politely correct him before simply giving up.
In this instance, Porter has made himself a massive wall blocking Gorgug's desires, and is being incredibly unfair to Gorgug. What does Gorgug do? He simply accepts it. Gorgug will rage and put his blood on the line for his friends, but has some issues with standing up for himself. I can think of two, maybe three instances where he has. 1) The first fight with Fabian. 2) When he slams Ragh into the lockers. And 3) when he tries to correct Telemaine on how to pronounce his name and that one was a purely verbal conversation that went nowhere.
In short, I think the correct answer to the conversation was for Gorgug to get mad. To respond to the clear unfairness and go "Hey fuck you!!" To punch through that wall and go "This isn't a fucking question, I'm going to multiclass." In the end, Gorgug still has yet to embrace being a barbarian.
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it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.
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