#this is a lot more emotional than i usually am

[hyperfixated-maybe]

Not what I usually post, but I need people to see this insanely intimate moment I had with two complete strangers at the airport the other day. This was typed out in my notes app on the bus ride from the airport so I’d get every fresh little detail from my memory.

“Sitting on a Lufthansa flight, eight hours from Frankfurt to Boston. We’re a half hour ahead of time, sitting on the runway awaiting an open gate. I hear a clang, and under my seat rolls a metal water bottle. I reach under and pass it back to the kid who dropped it. They wear a soft jean jacket with a shirt underneath reading something along the lines of “I’m really a moth and this is my human costume”.

“Here you go, bud.” I say.

They thank me. 

Five, ten minutes later and everybody is getting up to be deplaned. I hear behind me the same kid talking to their mom. “There’s a type of jellyfish that can live forever. If something doesn’t eat it. They go back to an earlier stage of their life…” 

I turn back and pull lobsters into the conversation. They tell me they went to an away science camp where they learned about marine biology. 

“I’m Moth” they draw out the “th” sound. 

I repeat it back: “Moth?? That’s such a cool name dude!”

The mom jumps in. “They named themself that!”

“What’s your name?” Moth asks me.

“Sam. My pronouns are he/him, what are yours?”

“They/them!”

“That’s so cool! I’m trans too!”

The mom again: “They have older siblings, so they’ve had a lot more time to think about these things than most other nine year olds.”

There’s a pause in the conversation here, and I can feel my emotions bending. “You know you’re the luckiest kid ever, right?”

“I am?” 

“Mhm..” I’ve started to get shakey now. I look away and bring my arm to my face, trying to control my emotions. The mom looks at me, and waits a moment before saying, “y’know, I give out mom hugs to anyone who needs it.” She opens her arms and I lean into the embrace. 

When it’s over I find myself saying “You’re the coolest person I know. I hope you have a great life!” to Moth as I leave. I wave behind me as I get off the plane. 

“Me too!”

I wait on the edge of the group as the rest of the cadets trickle off of the plane and condense beside me. I see Moth and their mom walk by, and I catch the mom’s eye. We smile at each other. Moth doesn’t see me.

They came back. To find me. And Moth asks for a hug. (Or, more accurately, if they can hug 𝘮𝘦.)

“Of course!” I bend down. We’re at an awkward height, and I shift to see if I should kneel or remain. By the end I’m kneeling. 

We hug more times than I remember. Eight, nine, ten times? I don’t rightfully know. Each hug they get more emotional, and I see tears well up in their brown eyes. 

The mother says “sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t know they’d start crying like this.” I tell her it’s fine, it’s okay. 

Their straight, brown, a bit longer than shoulder length hair is messed up, and the mom is behind them, smoothing it behind their ear. So am I. 

“It’s gonna be okay.” The mom says to them. 

I tell them that they’re the coolest person I know. We hug, and each time we pull away, we hold each other’s arms, or grasp each others hands. 

“Sorry about this. With the jet lag and stuff they start acting like a drunk person!” 

Moth laughs through their tears, and I laugh with them.

“Sam’s gotta go with his group now,” the mother says. So I do.

The last time I saw Moth was about a half hour after our first interaction on the plane. I’m walking with my group to get my passport stamped. Moth is alone now, waiting for their mom outside a bathroom. I hug them one last time as I walk by, and file down through the seatbelt barrier maze. 

I wave, and Moth smiles back. 

And that’s it. That’s my whole story. As much as they’ll ever know of it, at least.”

#how do i even tag this #transgender #trans #nonbinary #transmasc #idk man #i cried writing this #and reading it through before posting #I’ve told about three people up till now #writing #(?) i guess #I’m a mess dude

[autolenaphilia]

Edit: as hoshi9zoe pointed out, the original version of this post needlessly berated other transfems like Jennifer Coates, for which I do apologize, and I have toned it down in this edited version. The original version survives in reblogs.

Some months ago, I was searching through this transandrobro blog to see if they posted a callout of me, and i found this reblog, which I couldn't really write about for months, because what do I even write. I recently wayback machined it for posterity, and I guess this is my attempt to write a post about it.

It's saint-dyke himself, the coiner of transandrophobia, saying that the infamous (at least for me) article "I am a transwoman. I'm in the closet. I'm not coming out" is what made him coin the fucking word. It's literally bolded and underlined: "Reading this article is what made me coin “transandrophobia”.

The reason I put off writing this post is that reading that article makes me feel like i'm drinking poison. And it is poison, make no mistake, it's internalized transmisogyny brainworms dripping out of the writer's brain and onto the page.

It's a justification for why the author, known by pseudonym Jennifer Coates, doesn't want to transition, despite knowing she is a trans woman. And it's the exact kind of internalized transmisogyny that keeps trans women in repression and not transitioning. "I'm not going to pass, i'm forever going to be an ugly freak who will at best be humored by other women, the closet is uncomfortable but at least it's safe"

It's the same exact bullshit a lot of represssed trans women tell themselves because it's what society tells us about trans women, that we are freakish parodies of women, that we will never pass, and if we don't pass we have failed and are ugly freaks. It's all to scare us into staying in the closet and make others hate and fear us. Transmisogyny permeates our society, and the majority, maybe all transfems will absorb and internalize some of it.

Coates says that it all is just applicable to her, but again so many transfems believe this shit before transitioning and realizing it's a pack of lies. If this bullshit was in any way valid, a lot of trans women shouldn't transition, because before we actually transition many of us believe it word for word. And "it's only true for me" is how we justify it to ourselves. We tend to be way harsher on ourselves than others. This kind of self-hating transfem tends to think: "Other trans women are beautiful graceful goddesses, earthly manifestations of the divine feminine, always destined to be women, while I'm an ugly forever male ogre who just has a fetish."

It's all bullshit, it's poison, it's internalized transmisogyny.

And the rest of the article is bullshit too. It is not some insightful mediation on gender as some people say, it's the author confusing and mixing up actual transmisogyny with an imagined problem of misandry. She does this because she has gone full repression mode, and decided she has no other choice to live as a man, so her dysphoria and experiences of transmisogyny are actually men's problems.

It's a bad article, excusable because as Coatas points out, it's "essentially a diary entry." that was meant to be a way to "vent frustration" and she "did not intend for anyone else to actually read it." It is clearly not the product of a healthy mind.

I hope the author sometime in the past seven years eventually did transition, and that for whatever reason she didn't want to publicly repudiate her own article. Maybe she lost access to the medium account so she can't delete it.

Far worse than the article itself is the response to it. I've seen it passed around as some insightful commentary on gender by the "feminists are too mean to men, misandry is real" crowd. I have argued against this before. And other people have made insightful comments about it.

And learning that saint-dyke claiming that he was inspired to coin the word "transandrophobia" because of this article is the cherry on top of this shitcake of transmisogyny. For my thoughts on "transandrophobia" theory and how transmisogynistic it is, see here.

Of course, Saint-dyke absolutely could be bullshitting here. Claiming that Coates's article is what inspired him to coin the word might be a lie to claim that transandrophobia theory is not transmisogynistic because it came from listening to trans women.

This is why "listen to trans women" doesn't work. Because TME people will always choose a trans woman who confirms their prejudices. Blair White has made an entire career out of this. And Coates article is popular because it says that misandry is real and trans women's issues are partly caused by it, misgendering herself and other trans women.

And it's popular for another reason. Coates has thoroughly internalized transmisogyny, and thus her article presents a trans woman that is exactly as transmisogynistic patriarchal society wants her to be. She is suffering, but ultimately accepts her assigned role. She truly believes that her biological sex dooms her to forever be male. She literally "manages her dysphoria by means other than transition" as conversion therapy advocates want us to do. She never makes an social claim on womanhood by actually transitioning, so she doesn't invade the sacred women's spaces. Yet she performs the role of woman perfectly by serving men, by defending them from supposed feminist misandry. And she fulfils the ritualistic role that the rhetorical figure of "trans women" sometimes serves in progressive spaces, of giving a blessing to TME people's pre-existing views and actions, all while actual flesh-and-blood trans women are destroyed by those same deeply transmisogynistic spaces. This time it's a blessing for the same "misandry is real" soft-MRA bullshit that has infested the online left and created the transandrophobia crowd.

That is why this article and the positive response makes me sick, makes me feel like i'm drinking poison. This is what its fans want trans women to be like. I'm acutely aware this kind of self-denial is exactly what transmisogyny wants from me and tried to indoctrinate me into doing it. And I want none of it. I want to live, I want to be a woman.

#my writings #transmisogyny #jennifer coates #this is a lot more emotional than i usually am #but i'm so angry and disgusted

[theoldkyokodied]

Uploading all my Tomgreg art at once from the past few week before season 4 hits, who knows in what kind of mental state i'm gonna be once it does :')

#tomgreg #succession #dont even talk to me i started watching this show when i had nothing to do at work and now i watch it with averiel my good friend averiel #and we are going to watch s4 together and i feel physically ill from bein so excited #so ya thats what ive been up to... anyway. i love these idiots they desever nothing but the worst (affectionate) #im also a tomshiv lover btw. im the one who yells 'THIS IS HOW TOMSHIV CAN STILL WIN' while they are actively losing on screen #thats the kind of person i am #dont look at me (lying on the floor) #okay i was not going to say stuff in the tags and let the art speak for itself but i NEED to point out details in the wine Painting.. #i put a lot of work into that one. thinly veiled metaphors and symbolism yknow.. #greg is gripping the stem of the wine glass with his full fist. tom and greg are dressed in the same outfit (sock garters included) #greg look appalled but he is not doing anything about the spill. tom is fondly pouring greg more and more wine. he is doing him a favor #i colored the red wine the same way i would color blood :) oh and tom is not really touching greg #only holding the chair in place. greg is making himself look smaller than he is like usual #oh and @ the person who said that it's the inverse of the tom and nate scene i love the way you think. i did not think of that before #but god. yeah. i actually thought about the scene change from when roman uhh.. christens his office in s1. the one with the coffee machine #i always go insane at that cut. this is not exactly the same since it's more.. about emotions but yknow.. it can be.. the same...

[yzafre]

Roxas: Had the Halloween town kids throw bombs in his face for multiple missions in a row before finally breaking down and smacking them around a bit.

Ventus: The dwarves were rude and refused to talk to him, immediately resorted to chasing them down and whacking them.

Characterization I see frequently: Ah, yes, Roxas is the one always willing to throw hands and Ventus is a smol sunshine boy.

#kh #kingdom hearts #these are really silly examples but the point stands! #in fact I think it expands when you look at their full screen-time #I am once again begging people to watch a full let's play of Days #don't get me wrong Ventus IS brightness and sunshine #but he also has the energy of a chihuahua ready to fight the world and I will stand by that #where as Roxas will tend to just try to avoid it until he Very Much Can't #now I think Roxas does BITTERNESS better than Ventus or Sora #but bitterness is not temper #in fact bitterness is usually negative emotions left on the backburner until the resentment caves in on itself #I suppose this is up to interpretation but from my reading... #a lot of times Ventus seems to burn out his anger then let it go #whereas Roxas doesn't do anything with the emotions until he/the situation self-destructs catastrophically so it ends up being nastier #but on the day-to-day? #yeah no Ventus is going to be the one reacting first #you can also exchange Sora for Ventus for some of these arguments #though I think he lands somewhere between Ventus and Roxas for short-temperedness #all this is more complicated than this reductive commentary of course #you have to take in how and in what orders the characters were introduced and marketed #the difficulty of getting the handheld games historically and the biases that set in before they were easily accessed #not to mention stock archetypes for fandom joke set-ups that then perpetuate the characterization... #like there's a LOT to how this came to be #but it Gets To Me sometimes #yza talks about a thing

[sysig]

Rainbows (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Handplates #Papyrus #Sans #This rainbow is all out of order - and so many negative glows ah :0 #I didn't mean for them to trend negative! They were just easier to imagine the expressions - maybe I'll take a second pass on the positives #Or in green's case the negative :') #Again in order of when I drew them so kinda all over the place haha #I wanted to go in order! And then I got distracted pft - thus started with red ow :( #Honestly I was thinking of it just being a surprise-pain more than anything lol - like a splinter haha that wouldn't even pierce him! #D'you think that eyeglows could also act like automatic word-responses? Like how we say ''Ow'' when we're surprised but not hurt sometimes #Silly haha #The second is a lot less silly-intended tho more actual pain #It's also sad to think that Sans' red would pretty much have to be sympathy/emotional pain :( #The kind of survivors guilt of not being able to shoulder more but he's so fragile! It's not his fault! #I am quite happy with both of their expressions there tho especially their mouth shapes - and how the colours interact with their eyes #Lineless colours are some of my favourites :) You can tell it's my pencils and not my pen there 'cause it's feathery hehe #For example Edgar's scars are usually with my pen and they have an almost hard-line quality while my pencils are soft :) S'pretty #Switched colours! I unfortunately misremembered what their meanings were oops lol #Well I got them kinda half-right - I like blue as skeptical quite a lot :D I think it suits them both! #Sans as wary and logical and wanting to keep distance to assure his safety and what he can devote energy to - I like it! #And Papyrus using his brother's colour to be grown up in the way that Sans is hehe <3 It's sweet #I misremembered orange lol I assigned blue's alt meaning of ''curiousity'' - orange is meant to be bravery! Oops lol #I think I was thinking of Papyrus' childlike excitement and wanting to know and be involved! Haha #Greeeeens <3 Happy boys happy with each other! I love when they're happy ♥ Interlocked holding hands hehe #Pinks! Along a similar line! I like pink as platonic affection :D And as embarrassment lol but hgg the sweetness! The care and love! #Is my bias showing lol - especially with the bros sleeping on each other haha ♪ They're both happy to know the other is safe! #Couple'a stresses - I like Sans' more I'm not even gonna sugarcoat lol his expression turned out so good haha #And the inverse for the purples! I do like Sans' face but his body :P Papyrus tho - he turned out sad and perfect :')

[withthewindinherfootsteps]

One thing I love about Lan Wangji is that how the way he’s viewed by others changes with the progression of his arc. 

When we meet him in the Cloud Recesses, he’s already well known in the cultivation world. He’s known for being one of the Twin Jades of Lan – for being a model disciple, for being perfectly skilled in everything you’d expect a young master to be proficient in, for perfectly encapsulating all the Lan Sect’s principles, including their immovable adherence to the rules. And that’s immensely impressive. But the thing is, he’s not really defined by himself – it’s not his own identity he’s carving out, but the identity of a perfect disciple of a clan. That’s even echoed in his title as one of the Lan’s Twin Jades. He’s known, first and foremost, for being a son of the Lan Clan’s Sect Leader.

But as he starts to develop, as he starts to grow, what he’s known for changes, and people begin to know him for who, not what, he is. He’s not famous, first and foremost, for being Lan Wangji, one of the Twin Jades – but for being Hanguang-Jun, the ‘light bearer’, the person who goes where the chaos is, and for a title and reputation he’s carved out of his own merits. Instead of being known for perfectly embodying rules and principles, he becomes known for being righteous*, fair, and for caring about the common people; for prioritising their safety over his own reputation in a way that no other important member of a clan did. And I think it’s important to note that although doing this doesn’t break any rules, it does stand in contrast to the actions of most cultivators (and is even look down upon by some people, like Jiang Cheng, though I’m not sure how much of that is due to their personal history). Instead of being famous for embodying the values of the cultivation world, he becomes known for what he does that sets him apart from it.

People begin to define him by his actions and by everything he does that shows who he is as a person; not as somebody defined by embodying the status and clan he was born into. His reputation given to him as a Twin Jade has been carved into a reputation he’s made for himself, as himself.

And I think that’s beautiful.

#mdzs meta #lan wangji #for the record i do think this change was partly inspired by wwx #but not in the way most people think #wwx didn't inspire lwj to be a good person #lwj was ALWAYS a good person (which is part of the reason wwx took an interest in him in the first place) #but what he did do was help break lwj's perceptions on what being a good person MEANT #and made him realise that being a good person wasn't synonymous with following the rules or embodying clan principles #as wwx broke rules all the time #but was still undoubtedly righteous #which is where i think a lot of lwj's conflicting feelings about him came from at first #because to him back then it was hard to reconcile the two #anyway #my meta #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #gdc #魔道祖师 #a bit more emotional than i usually am in my metas #but he's a *well written character ok*

[lunarharp]

some illustrations/vibes from my uhh 29k memory trauma/disability focus orufrey fic, into the deep end.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #idk what more i'll draw so i'll just put these here. i think my failing eye qifrey will be with me forever now. #yesterday - i realise this is probably weird - i BURST into tears for ages like hot tears bc i just suddenly was overwhelmed #by oru's feelings rather than qifrey's. i was just in my orufrey mindscape as usual teehee and i just. oru wanted qifrey to be able to look #at him so much suddenly. and realised that can't ever happen again. i could literally cry a lot again now. i wrote oru trying so hard #to focus on the good qifrey can still have from living and i felt bad and HE felt bad in that moment for being SO sad about it #but until then i/he hadn't processed the truly painful parts of disability that you can't deny. sometimes it hurts so bad and it's unfair #the thing is i do feel that shirahama is leading up to this. disability is so central to witch hat and as for qifrey's narrative... #mm. i can't really believe the powerful and desperate emotions orufrey give me lol anyyyyywwaaayyyyy read my fic haha #i want more ppl to read it and tell me they enjoyed it..but you can't beg for such a thing. no matter what orufrey is..god they are so much #i am so glad from the bottom of my heart that i encountered this manga. #the first drawing is meant to express the feeling of pain coming from one place in your body. and feeling like a conduit #*oru voice* You are a human being.

[kakusu-shipping]

Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

Who’s better at comforting the other?

For any ship or selfship that you would like! :) <3

Well when left to my own devices today I'm just gonna do Mariocest because the movie has infected my brain. Thankyou very much for asking.

4. Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

They were each other's first everything. They've always been together. I can't imagine either of them ever had another relationship. Maybe a handful of crushes, they both probably got asked out once or twice, but they're so much more important to each other than anyone else could ever be. They're each other's everything.

8. Who’s better at comforting the other?

I could see this going either way, because they know each other so well. Mario has more experience comforting Luigi, and Luigi has a better range of emotion than Mario. Does that make sense?

I'm gonna say Luigi's better at comforting Mario. Mario faces the problem head on, where as Luigi knows how to take a moment to be upset, let that feeling out, and calm back down first.

#Mariocest #Thankyou for asking #shipcest #I apologize I'm going to be talking about this for a hundred years it seems #I just. I love them. #They are eachother's everything #I really am soft for a Twincest ship that's just. I don't know where I end and you begin we have ALWAYS been together #I love them I love them I love them SO much #They are a PAIR. Do NOT separate! #Not to say Mario doesn't feel a wide range of emotions btw I mean like #When your an emotional guy (coward) you end up knowing your own emotions and other's emotions a lot more #Out of necessity #Maybe I'm projecting #Anyway Mario's first step to Comfort is put himself between Luigi and the problem #He wants to take whatever it is head on as physically as he can #He's also a lot quicker to get mad FOR Luigi in situations rather than like. Empathize and feel Luigi's emotions #Meanwhile Luigi seems Mario frustrated or upset by something and thinks #'What would make me feel better in this moment?' And the usual answer is a hot plate of pasta and someone to listen #And yeah that works for Mario too #He's a verbal person Mario he says his thoughts and issues out loud and it encourages him to get back up #Take the issue on head on like he likes to #That's what I was trying to say but I didn't want to talk for nine years in the actual post #Thankyou again for asking very blessed with my Mariocest obsession being fed

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[binders-and-beanies]

Doin bad again folx

#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable #summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400 #literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all #not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due #able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much #my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one #i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts #nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops #I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness #I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too #bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that #+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me #my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life #on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them #currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn #I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief #but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors #despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee #Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse #fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn #mine #txt #vent post #suicidal ideation tw #<- cry for help

[soldier-poet-king]

INSANE tonight girlies and idk WHY

#franposting #its just ahhhh. i am going. 2 bed #idk what i did #<- is lying. had a second cider and finished thst indulgent sadboi fantasy romance #OFC im like this #im too old for this shit i have 2 drinks and i get emotional like it's 6 #i swear i didnt used to be like this #i drank heavy ish in undergrad at parties #now im like. wowee. 2 drinks over 6 hrs?? i get weepy and affectionate and also incapable of shutting up #more than usual #im fine. im normal. #anyway! i just! love! hope! redemption! duty! sadness! fibre crafts! there sure is a lot in my heart rn #i need 2 sleep. stat holiday tmrw. i will. work on craft and not be insane. maybe. hopefully #it's the WAITING. i need change. cannot do anything til new work contract is signed and definitive #so its just. limbo. til i can have a life again. extra curriculars. accessible errands. my own space to craft and read #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[balkanballad]

had a day that made me think oh that was a bit heavy on the symbolism, wasn't it

#j. talks #went to visit my brother in his uni city and also connected it with an event there #I know this event because I went there once with a uni course that of course was with my fave former prof #so I know she's usually there but it's a bigger city and Friday and there are a lot of things at different locations #chances are not zero but I thought come on if anything it will be casual running into her #well as I was waiting with my brother and a whole crowd of people to be let in who do I hea #and see :))) yeah it's my fave prof. and I told my brother and he told me to go and say hi but there were so many people already talking to #her and also going there and saying hi so I simply couldn't. I literally froze our shoulders were nearly touching but she wasn't even facin #me and taking and I just followed my brother and he was like??? #what was that?? and I didn't know. and he asked my why I looked so shameful out of all the emotions I chose shame #and I don't know. I don't know why shame I consuming me no matter where I go. but she was busy and imagine I go up and she has no idea who #am anymore. they had to burry me right there and then. so that was that :) now #the name of that street of the location burned into my memory as I was facing the wall well it's the name of [redacted] who I never really #get over and it's been 10 years now soon. and we had a similar experience in December :) where I would have loved nothing more really than #to talk (in Decembar definitely also other things that I miss on some days very much) but I barely got a wave #so yeah :) I actually had a great day but I am more than overwhelmed. I feel like crying and hiding #taurus season is apparently not here to save me? idk #is this all about wasted potential and shame stopping me? maybe. but how the fuck do I get it out of me

[dallonwrites]

did not write as much as i liked today but i made the playlist for the nanowrimo 2023 project that has a specific order to reflect the tones of the story and that's the closest i get to outlining before a draft so

#idk how to explain this from a I Dont Actually Outline Before Drafting Usually POV but #making playlists with a specific order feels like the first layer to understanding a narrative bc its like i can hear the tone of it unfold #i dont need to know what it will look like on page but i can look at a playlists body #and it feels like i can see the ebbs and flows of the narrative's tone/vibes/etc. the emotional movement #which for the type of stories i write that helps a lot LOL #making playlists that way kind of feels like ive put the story into a heart monitor. its not showing me all the vitals but its showing me #the movement of the story's core #OKAY WAITTT i think the best way to explain it is #i'm a very vibe driven writer but also vibes are very sensory to me #when i make a playlist its not just songs that remind me of the wip its songs that SOUND like the wip to me #i have a very deep sensory relationship to stories + sensory things connect me to the Vibes #and the more familiar i am with the Vibes of a story the easier it is for me to enter the story and then figure out what actually happens #which is why i prefer to discovery write most of the time bc being deep in the story like that #feels like a similar level of immersion that i get from things like playlists #PERSONALLY! #so when i make playlists in a specific order the songs usually group themselves together and it feels like i can hear how the story moves #through those groups without knowing what the events look like yet #playlists and moodboards etc are literally integral to me because stories usually start very abstract/vibey in my brain #rather than a clear idea and i need something more tangible/sensory to flesh it out

[hiratelier]

Many thoughts running through my head as I prepare to upload my last UTAU cover of the year because I'll barely touch the silly singing robot program next year when I have more exciting things to work on...but even then it feels like you're saying goodbye to a close friend you've been with for almost 9 years

#mine #text #currently i am trying to finish a cover for my utaus' 9th anniversary next year and man #the spark for making robots singing usually isn't there nowadays but when it comes to my own utaus #god it does feel nice working on something! #this entire year i've been pumping out covers that first started as an outlet for my creativity #but then halfway into the year i kept getting into creative ruts and it was frustrating because i only limited myself to one outlet #so discovering animatics...gaining new interests...and picking up new skills has helped me branch out from utau significantly #but i will say that using utau bestow me lots of skills that will prove useful beyond just making utau content #i guess working on this one cover helped me reflect on that some more...but god it's kinda making me emotional #even most of my friends who used utau back in the good old days have moved on to other things now and i'm sort of in that boat... #it's not too fun trying to enjoy utau by yourself but honestly i think it all boils down to the fact that i was forcing myself to-- #--enjoy using utau constantly. and that spark to create new covers just dies out. #i suppose that coming back to utau once in a long while to work on something nicd amidst working on other projects is something that's-- #--more healthy for me yknow? i know i'm sort of betraying my utau-oriented audiences on youtube and bilibili with the way i've been slowly- #--moving away from utau and uploading other kinds of media and interests #but i'm opening up a new chapter for myself in making more oc media and animatics and they're more than welcome to stay along for the ride #i think i'm running into tangents at this point but what i'm trying to say is that for me uploading utau covers weekly was draining #and with me moving away to other projects and not being too hard on myself...my creative drive is slowly coming back #and maybe once in a while my creative spark for using utau apart from anniversary reasons will come back better than ever #and i will try to keep my own utaus alive as ocs apart from singing robot shenanigans and diffsinger development #it is a hobby i enjoy for myself after all and its not supposed to be a chore

[mars-ipan]

i’ve been trying to get more comfortable with calling myself disabled

#marzivents #<- not really a vent but i still want it to go somewhere #i’m not nervous about it in a prideful way #i’m nervous about it in an imposter syndrome way #i went so long being undiagnosed that i still kinda forget that yeah i’m not making it up #and even though my anxiety does get so bad that it actively impedes on my life sometimes #from perfectionism to difficulty setting boundaries to sometimes even an inability to leave the house #(thank you covid for the agoraphobia. i will murder you with my bare hands) #i still feel. weird calling myself disabled #i feel almost like i’m ‘not disabled enough’ #which. obviously is internalized ableism #anxiety especially is one of those mental illnesses that people say are ‘just normal emotions’ #because they cannot fathom someone feeling an emption stronger or differently or more frequently than them apparently #so ig that’s why i tend to feel more ‘normal’ (big air quotes) and like i don’t deserve to call myself disabled #but uh. yeah no The Symptoms are definitely disabling #like i have to avoid certain things (usually tic or migraine triggers) or take things a lot slower bc of it #and that’s. disability accomodation #but idk. i’m not actively dying so i feel like i’m being dramatic or smth #i’m getting better at understanding that i am disabled and not faking it though #which is. good #i imagine it’ll just take some practice and time