#this has been my conclusion for a while. but i still call myself cis because i'm not trans‚ not really | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

singlecrow · 5 months

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For the fic meme! Any of these that you feel like answering I'd love to hear about! I saw in an earlier ask that one of your 'guilty pleasures' is miserable h/c and also I know you love your AUs so I'm following up on those by asking:

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

and

L: What’s the weirdest AU you’ve ever come up with?

and I swear I didn't just go down the alphabet in order on purpose but I'd also be very curious to know:

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

Hi Rosie! thank you for these excellent questions I like them a lot!

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

I tend to dither about angsty ideas and then go ahead and write them anyway. The angstiest story I have ever written (in modern times? I was much worse about this when I first started writing fic) is Samhain (when you hear the river rising). Hawkeye, in that one, turns out to (maybe?) be escaping within his mind from a horrible abusive reality. It's meant to be a scary story, but it came down on the angst as well as creepy sides. There's also a couple of apocalyse AUs in various fandoms, and this odd dystopian MASH AU though the notes say I wrote it for a friend so maybe it wasn't entirely my idea!

One thing I don't do even in angsty stories, though, is violence against women. It's a conscious decision which I've always stuck to. I'm not sure why that's different, but it feels like it.

Also, I am way in my Murderbot feels and I don't think that's a fandom you and I share but I hope you'll forgive me for manifesting an idea that is lingering at the back of my mind that I don't want to write! really don't! but is sticking with me anyway.

For the Murderbot folk then: on this reread I've been wondering about the canon divergence AU where Murderbot doesn't have the hacked governor module on the first PreservationAux survey. Everything goes wrong similarly, but without it, the PresAux gang don't escape. But, Mensah can't be killed by GreyCris because killing a major political leader will start a full-on war.

So this is a cheerful story that starts with Murderbot killing the rest of PresAux and then standing guard over Mensah while the corporates try and negotiate with her as a hostage. BUT. as we know, the governor module doesn't change an individual's personality, only their means of expressing it. So it's had the same experiences. it still loves her, it still wants to save her, it just... can't. And she has no idea that it's even a person rather than a faceless killing machine.

The thing is, I think this is a good story! That idea of a prisoner and a captive, Mensah as prisoner in body and Murderbot as prisoner in mind. But, ah. Angst. Maybe.

L: What’s the weirdest AU you’ve ever come up with?

Definitely the roller derby AU. And, I don't know if you'd call it an AU, but triple shot and extra hot raises the important question of what would happen if Starbucks opened an establishment on Deep Space Nine. What I like about that one is it absolutely follows the premise to its logical conclusion. Someone in the comments was like, I thought this was a joke and it was just a series of vignettes of various characters meeting in a cafe but no it's actual Starbucks on actual DS9. I was very proud of myself.

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

I am trying to focus on my other work right now so don't have anything fanficcish that I'm working on (except my little project for your exchange). But I'm still really fascinated by the cis girl Hawkeye idea and I've actually got about 2000w of it stowed away. Here is a bit.

“Here,” BJ says, throwing Hawkeye a spare blanket. “Our stove unionised a couple of days back. Better to just wrap up before it goes out.”

Hawkeye grabs it. “Who are you writing to, your wife?”

“Yeah.” BJ pauses, then reaches behind him for another letter, with every inch covered with dense, narrow script. “Listen, what do you think that says?”

Hawkeye follows his pointing finger. “I’m taking Erin to Mom and Dad for a week,” she reads. “That way she’ll get some experience of— huh. Your wife is taking your kid to your in-laws for dysentery?“

“I thought diabetes,” BJ says. “Potter thought dressmaking.”

“Dystonia,” Hawkeye says thoughtfully. “Dreams. Dracula.”

“It’s definitely not a capital D,” BJ says. “Which is of course the only reason my wife isn’t taking my daughter to Ohio to meet the king of the vampires."

Hawkeye laughs. It’s warm in here, despite the stove withdrawing its labour, and she’s starting to relax a little as the nightmare lifts. “You settling in okay around here, then?” she asks. “I remember my first few weeks. They were brutal.”

“Yeah,” BJ says, holding up his hands. He’s looking at Hawkeye like he’s never seen her before: Hawkeye in bathrobe over pyjamas and sweatshirt. Hawkeye is average height for a woman, which makes her about a foot shorter than BJ, and keeps her hair tied back in plaits. She never eats enough because the food here tastes like used sanitary napkins, so she’s slighter and more angular than she was in civilian life. She knows that if she hadn’t met BJ off the transport plane; if she hadn’t been driven him across hostile country for forty miles while being shot at, he would think she was fragile.

“Hey,” BJ says gently. “How’d you end up doing this? If you don’t mind my asking.”

Hawkeye tilts her head. “If you mean, how does a woman end up doing this, then that’s what you should say.”

“You.” BJ is stubborn. “I figure, you and I are going to be working together a while. Why shouldn’t we get to know each other?”

“You’ve just got a ‘satiable curiosity, haven’t you, Dr Hunnicutt?” Hawkeye murmurs, worrying the frayed edge of her sleeve between two fingers.

“I have to,” BJ says. “Not like there’s much else to do, here on the banks of the great grey-green greasy Limpopo.”

So I would like to finish that! But it has a plot and stuff, which I don't have time for right now. In due course.

#mash #murderbot

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whatdoyouwanttobecalled-1 · 3 years

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I've been seeing a lot of posts about this all over social media, and while the majority of them are fine and just people expressing their opinions, a lot of people from both sides of the argument have been saying some really inexcusable stuff (such as telling people on the opposing side to off themselves, etc) and it's really pissing me off. Pls everyone idc if you agree w me or not but at least try to be mature and respectful when engaging in these conversations bc the goal is learning, understanding, tolerance, and cooperation (working together to find solutions to problems that will benefit all of us). So here's my stance on the issue, and feel free to reply, ask questions, or dm me and start a conversation regardless of your veiws. Just be nice! Here's my opinions, based off my own personal experience:

To start off: pansexuality is not inherently biphobic and/or transphobic

Yes, there are pansexuals who are biphobic, and yes they harm the transgender community in that sense. This is because generally pansexuals who are biphobic say they bisexuals are transphobic and essentially invalidate binary trans people's identity as a man or woman by saying that bisexuals are only attracted to cis men and cis women, not trans people. However, the majority of pansexual people do not think this way. Personally (and most of the pansexuals as talked to agree w me), I do not believe that bisexuality is transphobic. Why? Trans women are women, and trans men are men. If you will not date a trans person simply bc they are trans, then you're transphobic, but that has absolutely nothing to do w your sexuality. My own and most people's understanding of bisexuality (and the definition you get if you Google it, and the definition that most bisexuals will give you), is that bisexuality means attraction to 2 or more genders (which yes, could mean all), with a preference. With. A. Preference. I identified as bi to myself for years, and came out as bi for almost a year, never feeling as if the label fully fit me or that I was fully understood by the community bc there is always sm emphasis on the fact that bisexuals have a preference, while I never have. I don't think anyone is less than anyone else for having a preference, or better than anyone else for not having a preference. Pansexuality simply allows me to be apart of a smaller more specific community that fully understands my experience w attraction. I also know that bisexuality can be used as an umbrella term for anyone attracted to 2+ genders, but in the same way that it's not biphobic for lesbians to prefer to date other lesbians bc of their shared experience, I like having a smaller community that specifically experiences attraction in the same way that I do. I've also seen a lot of people talking about how people seem to think that bisexuals only care about sex, and that pansexuals think theyre better bc they're uwu innocent babies. I'm not entirely sure I'm not on the ace spectrum somewhere but lemme tell you that does not make me any less of a whore. No one is better than anyone else for how much or little they think about or enjoy sex.

2nd; bisexuality is not inherently transphobic.

Yes, there are bisexuals who are transphobic, but this is not the majority of the community. Most bi people consider trans women to be real women (which they are) and trans men to be real men (which they are). I will say it again; if you won't date someone just bc they're trans, you are transphobic, but that has nothing to do w your sexuality. As for non binary people, yes, bisexuality includes them too. Bisexuality is not inherently transphobic.

3rd; all mspec labels are fucking valid.

Whether you identify as bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, or polysexual, you are valid. You can use bisexuality as an umbrella term if that's what you're most comfortable w, or if the definition perfectly describes your relationship w attraction then that's cool too. If you feel that pansexuality, omnisexuality, or polysexuality better describes you and you enjoy having a smaller more specific community to fully relate to, guess what, that's also cool. No one is better than anyone else, and while there are members of every community who feel that they are, they do not represent everyone.

4th; panphobia/omniphobia/polyphobia only comes from the mspec community, if it comes from outside, it's probably biphobia

Let me explain; there is no problem that comes from people who are not attracted to multiple genders that everyone on this spectrum doesn't face. Bisexuality is a spectrum that we all fall on, an umbrella term that we all fit under. This means that unless it's coming from a person or group on this spectrum, it's probably biphobia you're facing. There are 2 types of biphobia: the biphobia that comes from mspecs, and the biphobia that comes from people who aren't on the spectrum of bisexuality. The biphobia that comes from inside is only against people who identify as bisexual, and the biphobia that comes from outside is against anyone who is attracted to multiple genders. I'm not saying there aren't a few instances of people who arent mspec targeting a specific group and not every mspec identity, but most of the time, if it's from the outside, it's classified as biphobia, bc that includes all of us.

In conclusion, this is what the mspec sexualities are and some of my final thoughts;

Bisexuality = attraction to 2+ genders with or without a preference. It can be used as an umbrella term by the whole mspec community, or as a specific label on it's own. It includes trans and non binary people, and is not a transphobic label. There are transphobic bisexuals, but the fact that they are transphobic and the fact that they are bisexual are not related in any way. They are not more or less than any other mspec identity, or sexuality in general.

Pansexuality = attraction to all genders without a preference. It is not biphobic and/or transphobic. There are biphobic and/or transphobic pansexuals but the fact that they are biphobic and/or transphobic is not related to their pansexuality. Many people who identify as bisexual describe their attraction in the same way as pansexuals. This is 100% valid as bisexuality can be used as an umbrella term and the label you identify w is all about your comfort. They are not more or less than any other mspec identity or sexuality in general.

Omnisexuality = attraction to all genders w a preference. It is not biphobic and/or transphobic. There are biphobic and/or transphobic omnisexuals but the fact that they are biphobic and/or transphobic is not related to their omnisexuality. Many people who identify as bisexual describe their attraction in the same way as omnisexuals. This is 100% valid as bisexuality can be used as an umbrella term and the label you identify w is all about your comfort. They are not more or less than any other mspec identity or sexuality in general.

Polysexuality = attraction to more than 2, but not all genders. It is not biphobic and/or transphobic. There are biphobic and/or transphobic polysexuals but the fact that they are biphobic and/or transphobic is not related to their polysexuality. Many people who identify as bisexual describe their attraction in the same way as polysexuals. This is 100% valid as bisexuality can be used as an umbrella term and the label you identify w is all about your comfort. They are not more or less than any other mspec identity or sexuality in general.

Honestly, I think we all get enough hate from inside and outside the lgbtqia+ community and we need to stick together and have each others backs. It's not the microlabels that are causing problems, it's the exclusionists. Invalidating eo's experiences and saying that biphobia is a bigger problem, panphobia is a bigger problem, omniphobia is a bigger problem, or polyphobia is a bigger problem, isn't gonna help anyone or solve anything. We can have slightly different experiences and still relate and support eo. Also, even if you have a problem w a specific label, pls just ask your questions genuinely, and try to understand the opposing side. Just have a mature conversation. If you're too young or immature to do that then you probably shouldn't be on social media. Calling eo names and telling eo to off ourselves isn't helping anything and there is no excuse for it. I've always loved the lgbtqia+ community for it's love and acceptance, but the more active I become within the community itself, the more I realise how toxic it can be. Sometimes I'm genuinely embarrassed to part of this community. Especially when it's grown adults acting like children that is causing the problems. Pls do better. Thank you for your time, thank you for reading, I love you, have a nice day!!!

Also I just want to add that ik there are more mspec identities than this, and you're all so valid. These are just the sexualities that ik enough about to give a proper statement on and the ones I've seen mentioned in this discourse the most. I'm actively trying to learn more about the mspec identities I mentioned, and those that I didn't. Pls feel free to give me any info on any sexuality (doesn't even have to be mspec I just want to learn more so I can be good ally for everyone), or ask me any questions about my own sexuality, and pls let me know if there is anything I should add or any misinformation in this post (I will not be including blatant blankphobia against any mspec identity so don't even try it bitches)

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film-masochisme · 3 years

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Re: Elliot Page and the Visibility of Trans Men in Media

I’ve seen a fair amount of confusion regarding his coming out, arguably more so than any other prominent celebrity coming out as trans. I think it boils down to the fact that with there is a startling lack of visibility for trans men in media and in society in general. Some would argue that it’s due to trans men going stealth, or that their identities are rarely brought up because of how “easier” it is for them to blend in. Frankly, a lot of this rhetoric doesn’t help to address the problem. I think Elliot’s coming out will mean a great deal going forward because in my mind aside from Chaz Bono (who was at best famous for his family as opposed to his own identity), there really hasn’t been a major star with a career this successful doing this. I mean, as a massive cinephile and connoisseur of queer films and media, there are probably this many films out there with prominent transmasc characters:

Boys Don’t Cry (1999): While a trailblazing and brilliantly-made film, the fact remains that being transmale was so poorly-discussed at the time (transwomen were more visible in media then too, with films like The World According to Garp and Dog Day Afternoon), that most people viewed Brandon Teena as a lesbian than a trans man. The film treats him as male and is fairly respectful, but it still deadnames him at the end (after a fairly depressing conclusion) and used a real-life hatecrime to call attention to something rather than an earnest attempt to understand it.

Southern Comfort (2001): A documentary about the last year in the life of Robert Eads, a trans man with terminal breast cancer. Very sad, very moving and honest, but sadly extremely little seen. Find this if you can.

Predestination (2014): A sci-fi time traveling film which I won’t reveal too much about because the labyrinthian narrative is rather unique and clever; it features a transmale character as one of the two leads (the other being Ethan Hawke) and actually makes (without spoiling) a fairly compelling “fantastical” argument about how gender dysphoria manifests itself in a linear timeline of one’s life, which I found interesting. Unfortunately, the fact that the character is trans is largely used for plot reasons as opposed to an exploration of identity. Probably the most visible trans male character in a major film in the past decade though, so props.

Strange Circus (2001): Sion Sono and gender issues seem to go hand in hand. He’s addressed them in numerous films (such as Love Exposure, Noriko’s Dinner Table, and more recently The Forest of Love) and here I can’t really reveal how a trans male character fits into it (used as a very corny plot revelation) but needless to say a character is shown to be transmale in an archetypally irritating way that does nothing for the plot. Also a fairly-little seen movie even in Sono’s eclectic catalogue.

3 Generations (2016): Fairly banal and borderline-unwatchable platitude fest about a trans male teen’s struggle to get on hormones, told not from his point of view but from that of his confused mother and TERF lesbian grandmother. Stupid, cis-gaze bullshit.

Romeos (2011) and Tomboy (2011): Both are films abut being stealth and/or in the closet at young ages, and both are again, little seen outside art house/cinephile/film festival circles.

And the list goes on and on. Truth is, because of lack of understanding and visibility, society views Elliot as who he was before in such a stupid way (Guys I work with would talk about how hot he was in a typical toxically masculine way that made me sick) that who he was before is how so many people will forever see him. They watch films like Juno or Inception and to them, that person is inextricably linked with him forever. As a trans person, it’s hard for me to say how I feel about myself before. While that person is a part of me, it’s a part of me I’ve spent years burying and running from. And even then, sometimes, it’s hard not to see something of that person when I look in the mirror. I detested that person and it was somebody I’m not, but at least I don’t have to deal with reminders of them except when around family or mementoes from my past.

I can’t even begin to imagine how Elliot must feel with being an A-list celebrity and having an entire film career as someone you aren’t anymore. But risking your entire career to be yourself is the most noble and admirable thing one can do. My fiance is a minor celebrity who achieved some fame before her own transition, and she put it in the best way:

“In my mind, the things I did before transition were still things I did. To credit them to my old name does make it seem as though I was not the one who did them. Yes, the person by my old name did them, but that person is me.”

And so, the point I want to make is this: Everyone’s identity is their own, and everyone has their own views on their pasts. What Elliot is doing is amazing. What news to wake up to. Just when I thought COVID killed the dreamy magic of the movies that bring me joy, something else came along to put a smile on my face. Fantastic.

#elliot page #trans #transmale #lgbt issues #umbrella academy #gerard way #lgbt #queer #transgender #news #current events #hollywood #movies #cinema #filmblr #film #filmmaking #transmasculine #coming out

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epicene-humanoid · 3 years

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some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times.

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through).

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode.

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that.

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous.

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

#community #jeff winger #trans jeff winger #GOD i'm gonna make a video essay about it if nobody stops me #yall know that youtube channel AreTheyGay? i want to be that but AreTheyTrans #the videos would just b like... jeff community. neo the matrix. bill and ted bill and ted. audrey little shop of horrors. jo little women.#maybe i should start that youtube channel sjdfklsj #thank you for prompting me to talk about this because i think about it twice a day #i might end up reblogging this and just adding different responses jeff has had to casually homophobic/transphobic things that happen #in the show #like the episode that last photo is from when the dean is like #'spring transfer student dance isn't rolling off the tongue so we're calling it The Tr@nny Dance!' 'much more greendale.'#OH AND ACCIDENTALLY KILLING PIERCE'S DAD!!! HOW DID I NOT MENTION THAT EARLIER SJFKLSJ #'you LITERALLY killed a father!' 'well not MINE dummy!!'#alright i need to do my homework now ajfklsdjfl

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jeannereames · 3 years

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Hi, Dr. Reames! I just read your take on Song of Achilles and it got me thinking. Do you think there might be a general issue with the way women are written in mlm stories in general? Because I don't think it's the first time I've seen something like this happen.

And my next question is, could you delve further into this thing you mention about modern female authors writing women? How could we, beginner female writers, avoid falling into this awful representations of women in our writing?

Thank you for your time!

[It took a while to finish this because I wrote, re-wrote, and re-wrote it. Still not sure I like it, but I need to let it go. It could be 3xs as long.]

I’ll begin with the second half of the question, because it’s simpler. How do we, as women authors, avoid writing women in misogynistic ways?

Let me reframe that as how can we, as female authors, write negative (even quite nasty) female characters without falling into misogynistic tropes? Also, how can we write unsympathetic, but not necessarily “bad” female characters, without it turning misogynistic?

Because people are people, not genders, not all women are good, nor all men bad. Most of us are a mix. If we should avoid assuming powerful women are all bitches, by the same token, some women are bitches (powerful or not).

ALL good characterization comes down to MOTIVE. And careful characterization of minority characters involves fair REPRESENTATION. (Yes, women are a minority even if we’re 51% of the population.)

The question ANY author must ask: why am I making this female character a bitch? How does this characterization serve the larger plot and/or characterization? WHY is she acting this way?

Keep characters complex, even the “bad guys.” Should we choose to make a minority character a “bad guy,” we need to have a counter example—a real counter, not just a token who pops in briefly, then disappears. Yeah, maybe in an ideal world we could just let our characters “be,” but this isn’t an ideal world. Authors do have an audience. I’m a lot less inclined to assume stereotyping when we have various minority characters with different characterizations.

By the same token, however, don’t throw a novel against the wall if the first minority character is negative. Read further to decide if it’s a pattern. I’ve encountered reviews that slammed an author for stereotyping without the reader having finished the book. I’m thinking, “Uh…if you’d read fifty more pages….” Novels have a developmental arc. And if you’ve got a series, that, too, has a developmental arc. One can’t reach a conclusion about an author’s ultimate presentation/themes until having finished the book, or series.*

Returning to the first question, the appearance of misogyny depends not only on the author, but also on when she wrote, even why she’s writing. Authors who are concerned with matters such as theme and message are far more likely to think about such things than those who write for their own entertainment and that of others, which is more typical of Romance.

On average, Romance writers are a professionalized bunch. They have national and regional chapters of the Romance Writers of America (RWA), newsletters and workshops that discuss such matters as building plot tension, character dilemmas, show don’t tell, research tactics, etc. Yet until somewhat recently (early/mid 2010s), and a series of crises across several genres (not just Romance), treatment of minority groups hadn’t been in their cross-hairs. Now it is, with Romance publishers (and publishing houses more generally) picking up “sensitivity readers” in addition to the other editors who look at a book before its publication.

Yet sensitivity readers are hired to be sure lines like “chocolate love monkey” do not show up in a published novel. Yes, that really was used as an endearment for a black man in an M/M Romance, which (deservedly) got not just the author but the publishing house in all sorts of hot water. Yet misogyny, especially more subtle misogyny in the way of tropes, is rarely on the radar.

I should add that I wouldn’t categorize The Song of Achilles as an M/M historical Romance. In fact, I’m not sure what to call novels about myths, as myths don’t exist in actual historical periods. When should we set a novel about the Iliad? The Bronze Age, when Homer said it happened, or the Greek Dark Age, which is the culture Homer actually described? They’re pretty damn different. I’d probably call The Song of Achilles an historical fantasy, especially as mythical creatures are presented as real, like centaurs and god/desses.

Back to M/M Romance: I don’t have specific publishing stats, but it should surprise no one that (like most of the Romance genre), the vast bulk of authors of M/M Romance are women, often straight and/or bi- women. The running joke seems to be, If one hot man is good, two hot men together are better. 😉 Yes, there are also trans, non-binary and lesbian authors of M/M Romance, and of course, bi- and gay men who may write under their own name or a female pseudonym, but my understanding is that straight and bi- cis-women authors outnumber all of them.

Just being a woman, or even a person in a female body, does not protect that author from misogyny. And if she’s writing for fun, she may not be thinking a lot about what her story has to “say” in its subtext and motifs, even if she may be thinking quite hard about other aspects of story construction. This can be true of other genres as well (like historical fantasy).

What I have observed for at least some women authors is the unconscious adoption of popular tropes about women. Just as racism is systemic, so is sexism. We swim in it daily, and if one isn’t consciously considering how it affects us, we can buy into it by repeating negative ideas and acting in prescribed ways because that’s what we learned growing up. If writing in a symbol-heavy genre such as mythic-driven fantasy, it can be easy to let things slip by—even if they didn’t appear in the original myth, such as making Thetis hostile to Patroklos, the classic Bitchy Mother-in-Law archetype.

I see this sort of thing as “accidental” misogyny. Women authors repeat unkind tropes without really thinking them through because it fits their romantic vision. They may resent it and get defensive if the trope is pointed out. “Don’t harsh my squee!” We can dissect why these tropes persist, and to what degree they change across generations—but that would end up as a (probably controversial) book, not a blog entry. 😊

Yet there’s also subconscious defensive misogyny, and even conscious/semi-conscious misogyny.

Much debate/discussion has ensued regarding “Queen Bee Syndrome” in the workplace and whether it’s even a thing. I think it is, but not just for bosses. I also would argue that it’s more prevalent among certain age-groups, social demographics, and professions, which complicates recognizing it.

What is Queen Bee Syndrome? Broadly, when women get ahead at the expense of their female colleagues who they perceive as rivals, particularly in male-dominated fields, hinging on the notion that There Can Be Only One (woman). It arises from systemic sexism.

Yes, someone can be a Queen Bee even with one (or two) women buddies, or while claiming to be a feminist, supporting feminist causes, or writing feminist literature. I’ve met a few. What comes out of our mouths doesn’t necessarily jive with how we behave. And ticking all the boxes isn’t necessary if you’re ticking most of them. That said, being ambitious, or just an unpleasant boss/colleague—if its equal opportunity—does not a Queen Bee make. There must be gender unequal behavior involved.

What does any of that have to do with M/M fiction?

The author sees the women characters in her novel as rivals for the male protagonists. It gets worse if the women characters have some “ownership” of the men: mothers, sisters, former girlfriends/wives/lovers. I know that may sound a bit batty. You’re thinking, Um, aren’t these characters gay or at least bi- and involved with another man, plus—they’re fictional? Doesn’t matter. Call it fantasizing, authorial displacement, or gender-flipped authorial insert. We authors (and I include myself in this) can get rather territorial about our characters. We live in their heads and they live in ours for months on end, or in many cases, years. They’re real to us. Those who aren't authors often don’t quite get that aspect of being an author. So yes, sometimes a woman author acts like a Queen Bee to her women characters. This is hardly all, or even most, but it is one cause of creeping misogyny in M/M Romance.

Let’s turn to a related problem: women who want to be honorary men. While I view this as much more pronounced in prior generations, it’s by no means disappeared. Again, it’s a function of systemic sexism, but further along the misogyny line than Queen Bees. Most Queen Bees I’ve known act/react defensively, and many are (imo) emotionally insecure. It’s largely subconscious. More, they want to be THE woman, not an honorary man.

By contrast, women who want to be honorary men seem to be at least semi-conscious of their misogyny, even if they resist calling it that. These are women who, for the most part, dislike other women, regard most of “womankind” as either a problem or worthless, and think of themselves as having risen above their gender.

And NO, this is not necessarily religious—sometimes its specifically a-religious.

“I want to be an honorary man” women absolutely should NOT be conflated with butch lesbians, gender non-conformists, or frustrated FTMs. That plays right into myths the queer community has combated for decades. There’s a big difference between expressing one’s yang or being a trans man, and a desire to escape one’s womanhood or the company of other women. “Honorary men” women aren’t necessarily queer. I want to underscore that because the concrete example I’m about to give does happen to be queer.

I’ve talked before about Mary Renault’s problematic portrayal of women in her Greek novels (albeit her earlier hospital romances don’t show it as much). Her own recorded comments make it clear that she and her partner Julie Mullard didn’t want to be associated with other lesbians, or with women much at all. She was also born in 1905, living at a time when non-conforming women struggled. If extremely active in anti-apartheid movements in South Africa, Renault and Mullard were far less enthused by the Gay Rights Movement. Renault even criticized it, although she wrote back kindly to her gay fans.

The women in Renault’s Greek novels tend to be either bitches or helpless, reflecting popular male perceptions of women: both in ancient Greece and Renault’s own day. If we might argue she’s just being realistic, that ignores the fact one can write powerful women in historical novels and still keep it attitudinally accurate. June Rachuy Brindel, born in 1919, author of Ariadne and Phaedra, didn’t have the same problem, nor did Martha Rofheart, born in 1917, with My Name is Sappho. Brindel’s Ariadne is much more sympathetic than Renault’s (in The King Must Die).

Renault typically elevates (and identifies with) the “rational” male versus the “irrational” female. This isn’t just presenting how the Greeks viewed women; it reflects who she makes the heroes and villains in her books. Overall, “good” women are the compliant ones, and the compliant women are tertiary characters.

Women in earlier eras who were exceptional had to fight multiple layers of systemic misogyny. Some did feel they had to become honorary men in order to be taken seriously. I’d submit Renault bought into that, and it (unfortunately) shows in her fiction, as much as I admire other aspects of her novels.

So I think those are the three chief reasons we see women negatively portrayed in M/M Romance (or fiction more generally), despite being written by women authors.

------------------------------------

*Yeah, yeah, sometimes it’s such 2D, shallow, stereotypical presentation that I, as a reader, can conclude this author isn’t going to get any better. Also, the publication date might give me a clue. If I’m reading something published 50 years ago, casual misogyny or racism is probably not a surprise. If I don’t feel like dealing with that, I close the book and put it away.

But I do try to give the author a chance. I may skim ahead to see if things change, or at least suggest some sort of character development. This is even more the case with a series. Some series take a loooong view, and characters alter across several novels. Our instant-gratification world has made us impatient. Although by the same token, if one has to deal with racism or sexism constantly in the real world, one may not want to have to watch it unfold in a novel—even if it’s “fixed” later. If that’s you, put the book down and walk away. But I’d just suggest not writing a scathing review of a novel (or series) you haven’t finished. 😉

#misogyny in m/m romance #how to avoid misogyny writing women characters #writing complicated women characters #asks #writing life #writing advice

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pbscore · 3 years

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Ok, so...I’ve now become far more comfortable in my body than I was before and I’m not too interested in getting top surgery, as much (it’s still a possibility for the future but I don’t feel a need for it anymore), but let me tell y’all why, if anyone really wants to know lol:

After being on T for a little over a year, I’ve come to see my body as just a vehicle in this world. Like everyone else, I just happened to be born with certain parts that ignorant people have claimed are meant to belong to a specific ‘gender or sex.’ I’m not obligated to change or even hate those parts of myself just because other people are projecting their own, brainwashed and outdated, ideas of gender identity and presentation onto other folks that they don’t quite understand.

Before I started T, I was so worried that I would start it and then become disappointed with how I looked or that I wouldn’t be able to handle the more ‘masculine’ aspects of my body that would become more prominent. I had been bombarded with those thoughts from all the self-hating truscum/transmeds online, who would always claim that ‘trenders will only feel more dysphoric if they take hormones when they don’t feel any dysphoria uwu’.

And then, one year later, I’ve realized that not only was that a blatant lie based on their own fear of rejection from cishet society, overall, but it also grossly undermines and simplifies the various reasons why some folks (cis, trans, and nonbinary) decide to take hormones and why some folks may decide to stop.

For me, I’ve come to love the shape of my jawline, my hips, and my legs! I have wider shoulders and, when I let it grow, a good amount of stubble on my cheeks and chin! My hair grows back super fast on my face and on my head, which was the complete opposite of what I was told would happen if I started T. My little friend downstairs (👀🍆💦) has grown a LOT, and can definitely get annoying when it’s excited, but honestly, I don’t mind having a sexual appetite after years of not caring too much about it. I also actually have a REAL appetite for food and I’m more responsible about eating when I’m hungry, instead of forcing myself to wait. My voice is deeper, fuller, and richer than before! My temper isn’t as ‘bad’ or ‘unhinged’ as some people told me it would be but that could certainly be more of an environmental problem than a hormone issue, is what I’ve learned. I’m far less impulsive with my words and instead of bursting into tears the moment someone corrects me on something, I can actually see past my own self-hatred and understand that I’m not being personally attacked.

While I look and sound more ‘masculine,’ I also discovered that I genuinely didn’t hate anything that was considered ‘feminine,’ nor was I obligated to hate it in order to seem more ‘like a man.’ In fact, now I feel more confident wearing jewelry, makeup, and ‘shapely’ clothing because I know that my body, voice, and way of carrying myself has changed in a self-affirming and confident way. People often don’t question my identity but that could also be due to my choice in fashion (super goth and gender-neutral). I no longer cringe at other people slipping up and calling me ‘she,’ not because I accept these pronouns (I later correct them on this) but due to my understanding that there are folks who may look similar to how I present, who are also women/nonbinary, and that people need to get used to seeing folks like us in ANY space, while respecting our existence regardless of our pronouns. So, basically, I don’t mind if people think I’m a woman in passing or if they just met me, as long as they understand that I’m not one after I’ve corrected them. Also, I now have a better appreciation for my breasts in a way I’ve never felt before but more for their role in sexual situations and aesthetics, not for like...having kids or whatever 😂 (sorry, still not interested in physically having children for anyone lol).

Now that I’ve come to the conclusion that I LOVE being nonbinary and that I have no real attachments to the ideas of ‘womanhood’ and ‘manhood,’ I no longer feel a pressing need to rush my transition (whatever it may end up looking like for me). Being nonbinary, and doing research on the historical elements of ‘gender/sex’ and how they’ve dictated so many (often ridiculous) divisions in our current system, has opened my mind up to more possibilities of what my transition can look like in the future. It doesn’t have to be what other trans and nonbinary folks say it was like for them because I’m my own person. I make my own decisions and I’m the only one who can determine what would make me feel happy with myself, at the end of the day.

I know this is just me rambling but I really felt the need to write this up and send it out into the world, so folks (especially young lgbtq+ folks) who feel the a similar way can see it and know that they aren’t alone in what they feel. Y’all can feel free to reblog and share your own story if you’d like, all I ask is that y’all be respectful and not act like a bigoted clown!

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lightns881 · 3 years

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DTeam Tumblr Demographics Survey Results (Part 2):

What does DTeamblr look like, what does it have to do with MCYT history, and why does it look like a rainbow?

I’ll make an educated guess here and say y'all enjoyed my last post (totally unrelated to the way I gained almost 50 followers overnight). Anyhow, thank you so much for the overwhelming support! I’m so glad a lot of you felt you could relate to my deep-dive into the leading personality type on DTeam Tumblr. It took me so many hours to write and research, and as a math major and honors student, it’s no easy feat, so I’m so grateful for the attention it got!

Today we’re discussing the general demographics of DTeam Tumblr and why they might look the way they do. Number 8 will blow your mind! So make sure to keep reading and hit that little grey heart and arrow at the bottom if you like it, so more people get to see it! Thanks for your support! Now, let’s jump straight into the post!

Your Daily Dose of Data

From the 449 responses we received, these are some pie charts displaying the gender, age, and sexuality of all respondents.

Image Description: Female (52.8%), Non-Binary (37.4%), Male (9.8%)

Image Description: 16-17 (37%), 13-15 (31.4%), 18 and over (29.4%), 12 and under (2.2%)

Image Description: Bisexual/Pansexual (54.1%), Homosexual (16%), Asexual (14.7%), Other (7.8%), Heterosexual (7.3%)

Mmhm, delicious! Y'all ready to dig into these stats? Because I don’t know about you, but they certainly don’t strike me as what the general population looks like!

Welcome to Tumblr, the Only Community Where Straight Men are the Minority

So these statistics certainly didn’t take me by surprise. Mostly because the DNF Shipper Survey I took some time ago revealed a similar trend. Not to mention, Tumblr is probably the QUEEREST internet community on the planet.

Funny enough, the survey revealed a shocking number of ZERO heterosexual males respondents. I’ll say it louder for the people in the back. ZERO straight males were recorded out of 449 respondents for this survey!

Now, this isn’t surprising for the Tumblr community by itself, but I can say I’m somewhat surprised in terms of the MCYT Tumblr community. (Obviously, the survey specified DTeam Tumblr, but there is a big overlap between both communities, so I will be using them interchengably when it seems relevant.)

Let’s break this down. The survey reveals the largest age population is 16-17, though it’s not by a great margin in comparison to 13-15 and 18 and older, which doesn’t surprise me either. Some of the major critics of the DTeam Fandom and other MCYT Fandoms love to claim the fanbase’s majority age range lies with children and pre-teens. While it’s an undeniable fact children are drawn to Minecraft, it’s also a misconception to paint it as solely a community for younger viewers.

In the MCYT Tumblr and DTeam Tumblr communities, specifically, we see this is not the case. Only 1/3 of the respondents of this survey are under the age of 16 (you could attribute part of it to the fact younger people might be less inclined to participate in this survey, but it is still a notable difference). I can’t say these age ranges are similar in other parts of the community like DTeam Twitter, Tik Tok, or Reddit, but if I had to make a guess, I’d say Tumblr lies toward the older of the bunch, with Reddit being the oldest and Tik Tok being the youngest (I do hope to perform this survey on some of the other communities, so please stay until the end if you want to help with that).

One of the likely explanations to why the ages for DTeam Tumblr look this way is the fact a big chunk of the community has likely been watching MCYT for a long time (even with breaks in between). I, myself, used to watch channels like PopularMMOs, Aphmau, and PrestonPlayz as a kid, and I presume many of you are familiar with them as well. With the resurgence of MCYT in the past year, it likely drew a lot of the older viewers in addition to the new ones.

But enough about age. What I really want to highlight on this post is the attraction of queer individuals to DTeam Tumblr and MCYT as a whole.

Why is the current MCYT Fandom so queer in comparison to the previous generations?

This is a huge open-ended question and considering I can only capture so much of the DTeam and MCYT community, the rest of this post should be taken solely as a theoretical analysis as opposed to fact.

With that out of the way, let’s start by discussing the shift MCYT has undergone over the years (I promise this will circle back to the question of queerness in the MCYT fandom, but we need some background before we can come up with a decent theory).

When Minecraft was first released, it proved to be a monumental change in the gaming industry. This simple little indie game took the world by storm. It was so vastly different from what the general population generally viewed gaming as (first-person shooters, story-driven games, action games, etc.) Not to mention, it didn’t exactly solely appeal to only a small margin of gamers, those being white cis males.

The gaming industry has notoriously been known in the past for its heteronormative community and general prejudice toward minorities. Though it has gone through a significant change over the decades, we certainly can’t say it’s fully gone.

Yet for whatever reason, the recent MCYT has taken the interest of so many queer people in comparison to other gaming YouTube communities. Why? Why are queer people so drawn to this community? And, more precisely, why does it feel so different than the old MCYT? Lastly, how does this relate to the conclusion about the leading personalities of this fandom we made in the last post?

The Niche Communities of MCYT Over the Years

MCYT has always been a huge, over-saturated genre of YouTube with content appealing to a variety of audiences. It’s dominated gaming content for years, and I think we can all safely say it’s never been bigger than it is today.

So why is it that just now it feels like the queerness of the fandom is popping off? Why now as opposed to say five years ago when MCYT was at another one of it’s strongest stages?

It seems like the community has made a tremendous shift in relation to breaking gender norms and LGBTQ+ subjects, not only in the fans but within the creators themselves. Was flirting and calling a pretty-boy streamer pet names as normal in the past as it is today? Were straight gamer guys putting on dresses and a full-face of make-up as supported back then? Were “marriages” and “pregnancies” within Minecraft boys an everyday occurrence like they are now? How is it that MCYT has dominated a Twitch dating show where flirting with the gay host and among straight contestants themselves is just another bit of entertainment? Where is this all coming from?

Recently, I watched a 2 hour documentary depicting all of the stages of Minecraft YouTube and how it has changed over the years. If you haven’t seen it and you have some time to spare, I HIGHLY recommend it! It’s very informative, and it honestly gave me such a strong sense of nostalgia that makes me choke up every time I think about it. I’ll link it below.

The documentary does a great job at exploring the different niche communities that dominated MCYT since it first took off. Some of such communities include the basic Let’s Players, the team-based Let’s Play channels like How2Minecraft, the roleplay story-centric ones like Aphmau and Samgladiator, the tutorial, building and technical side like Mumbo and Grian, the PVP-centric Bedwars or Hypixel channels, the Machinima community, the comedy side like ExplosiveTNT, the parody music videos, and so many more. All of the mentioned communities have dominated Minecraft at one point or another, many of them still having a rippling effect and/or a loyal community today. All of these communities have certain aspects that define them, some of which parallel the current overtaking content in the present.

How can we compare MyStreet to the Dream SMP?

Taking Aphmau as an example, her MyStreet series had a TREMENDOUS success a few years ago, racking in millions of views and bringing in a lot of money that eventually allowed her to hire voice actors and increase the production of mentioned episodes. The roleplay series was so successful it ran for six seasons!

Now, let’s compare that to the Dream SMP. It seems like a big comparison to be making considering they appear so different at first glance. For once, Aphmau is just one channel whose audience caters toward girls and younger people who enjoy romance. The series is set-up in an episodic-format that resembles more of a TV series than actual Minecraft videos.

Meanwhile, the Dream SMP is a collection of content creators with a mix of improvised storylines and the occasional regular video that resembles more of a Let’s Play series than a RP series.

You could say the only true comparisons to draw out of these two are the popularity they had/have and the profit they brought to their respective creators.

However, there’s two other key similarities that you’ll find not only within these two specific examples, but many other channels and communities as well. Story and characters.

MyStreet’s story aspect is fairly obvious seeing as it’s a episodic series that focuses on a fictional story. The Dream SMP’s story aspect isn’t as clear, but it’s evident there is a story playing out in the foreground and background, whether intentional or unintentional, or improvised or not.

Character is where some of you might start to question me. It’s obvious MyStreet has characters. I mean, it is a fictional story, after all. But the Dream SMP? Light, they’re obviously people!

Well, my answer to that is yes and no--sort of. The Dream SMP’s story heavily relies on roleplay, bits as you might call them. Events that aren’t necessarily planned out as a fictional plot like the typical MyStreet episode is, but they aren’t exactly real. Schlatt is obviously not a villain in real life, he just likes to impersonate as one for the narrative. Wilbur isn’t crazy, but it’s a way to spice up the heroic story surrounding Tommy and him.

It’s video-game improv. Except the actors behind the content just so happen to be real people playing off the personalities and “brands” they have obtained.

Brands. It all boils down to this. In the entertainment business, without a clear vision of your project and a clear way to brand what your consumer intakes, your project will likely not find a lot of success.

There’s a reason why Tommy plays off his loudness, using an overexaggerated laugh that although may not be completely fake, it is likely not the laugh he uses everyday. Or why BadBoyHalo is this supposed innocent muffin who doesn’t understand the crafting table meme and other references that are fairly easy to google and find the meaning of. Or why Sapnap is this chaotic being who loves starting pet wars and we love to paint as an arsonist in the Dream SMP. While all of these personality traits may be a part of their true selves, they’re played up for the camera--for the story. They act as the personas that define their characters in the narrative.

They have a clear brand and vision that appeals to the audience and makes them tune in on the daily to see how they all come together. It’s like roleplaying a more extreme version of yourself, one that brings home the money.

Story and characters run across every entertainment outlet. They define their brand. Aphmau has her characters and series. Hermitcraft has a set of memorable personalities and episodic videos that formulate its own story that is less like a narrative and more of a history of the server. ExplodingTNT has his recurring cast and comedic sketches. Most of these niche communities have a form of story and character defining them. It’s how they achieve a clear sense of branding and cater to a specific audience.

Queer Theory in MCYT

Having said all that, why does the MCYT of today draw in so many queer viewers?

Let’s think about this. In my last post, I ended by mentioning DTeam Tumblr is a sort of safe haven for INFP and INxx types who might be placed in the “other” category by society. INFPs, specially, are predisposed for escapism--one common form of it being fiction and entertainment. Not to mention, INFPs are feeling types who, as introverts, seek a personable connection. It’s why it’s so easy for them to obsess over book characters or fall in love with content creators.

Now, let’s imagine a whole community of LGBTQ+ INFP and INxx types. Actually, scratch that, we don’t even have to imagine it.

It’s what our community looks like today.

And why are so many so drawn to the DTeam and Dream SMP of all things? It’s a personable storyline that essentially forms a direct tie to the viewer. Unlike pre-recorded fictional TV series you tune into on your device, the Dream SMP is a whole load of chaos that blurs the lines between reality and fiction where fans can directly connect to creators and get to know them as people through a storyline that features sub-textual queer themes and non-conforming behaviors.

The MCYT content creator community of today is more non-conforming than ever before, and knowing this whole fact, knowing that many of them might place themselves in the “other” category or at the very least aren’t afraid to break the norms and be seen in that light, is a comfort in itself for LGBTQ+ INFP types. Once again, it’s a safe space that helps you escape from the troubles of real life, one you relate to.

Okay. So although this does answer why the fans look like they do, what about the creators themselves? Are we really supposed to believe this all came through naturally? That a bunch of straight guys suddenly decided wearing dresses was something they wanted to do?

I don’t mean to sound cynical here, and I’m in no way trying to insinuate creators have solely some sort of corrupt ulterior motive. Things are never as simple as they look. However, the truth is, a part of it lies on the attention it’s gotten.

I’ve talked a lot about DreamNotFound and the way Dream uses it as a marketing ploy. I stand by my point. However, he’s not the only one who does this in the MCYT community. Why did Finn suddenly go from wearing a dress to cross-dressing as a girl for a whole week? Why are so many creators suddenly deciding wearing dresses is fun? Why does every freaking straight MCYT actively want to flirt with George nowadays?

Let’s just let Techno’s favorite word answer this for us: clout.

It gets attention from one of the largest historically underserved minority community in the entertainment business. We might not be able to see gay flirting in every Netflix TV show or guys not minding dresses and getting fake marriages, but you are certainly going to get at least one of those in every Dream SMP stream and video you tune into. It gets attention. It brings home the money. And do I blame them? Not really.

Interestingly enough, there’s a lot of analytical posts on the MCYT Tumblr community that discuss the dangers of these tactics and why gay jokes and the way queer subtext is treated by MCYT creators is harmful. Despite this, it still attracts such a huge community of queers. So why exactly would queer people actively watch something that’s offensive or harmful to us?

I have a lot more to say about this topic and the morality behind Dream’s tactics, but I’m out of breath for today, so I’ll talk about it in my next post. What better way to start the conversation about the DNF and Karlnap questions of the survey than a good ol’ discussion on the morality of queerbaiting and the likes?

If you got this far, I’d appreciate it if you liked and reblogged this post if you enjoyed it and/or learned something new! Also, important news, I would really like to perform a similar study on the DTeam Twitter Community to measure the differences in demographics across platforms. I would REALLY appreciate it if you guys could go like, retweet and share the link I posted on my Twitter about it (tweet will be linked in the reblog below) so it reaches more of the DTeam Twitter community!

However, if you filled out the survey yourself here or you associate more with DTeam Tumblr than DTeam Twitter please DO NOT fill out the survey again! I’m trying to make sure it reaches the audience that mains on Twitter, but I need a little help with that since I don’t have as big of an influence on Twitter than on here for obvious reasons.

Anyhow, thank you so much for all your support! I really appreciate y’all and make sure to hit the follow if you want to lookout for the next demographics post! <3

(Pssst, I’m releasing a MCYT DNF superpower AU longfic next month... You should totally go check out the post on that if you’re interested in it...)

#dteam #dteamblr #dream smp #dttblr #mcyt #dreamwastaken #dnf #mcyttblr #georgenotfound #dreamnotfound #dttwt #dream team #dteamblr demographics survey

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herandhearelove · 3 years

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Coming out.

TL;DR: I am genderfluid. All of my characters will remain the same, except for Ashley/Halsey*, who will now go by Ash/Halsey— NOT Ashley, regardless of gender. Current pronouns will be in my username and easily visible.

I will be continuing to do primarily lewd roleplay, and because this is a fantasy where I can be free of dysphoria, Ash will anatomically match whatever his/her current gender is, which will also be whatever my OOC gender as a writer is. My writer tag will continue to be Sooki, as it is gender neutral.

I very, very, very strongly urge you to read the rest of this post so you may understand me better— ESPECIALLY if you do not believe gender fluidity exists.

If you wish to interact with me however, especially in any long term capacity, reading this is mandatory.

* edit: this also works exactly the same for my portrayal of Loki. I wrote this believing Ash would be the only genderfluid character I played, and the post is so large that I cannot be bothered to update it. Works exactly the same way though!!!

Overview.

Hey guys.

So, this has been a very long time coming. My understanding of gender has been called into question over the last few months, and I have had a very rapid period of change and self discovery. Roleplay has greatly assisted this. My friends have been accepting, my life has evolved, and I have even chosen a new name to go by out of character with the help of my friends in this community.

I am genderfluid. This means my gender is in flux, to the point that I feel extremely uncomfortable being referred to as a Female or as a Male at times, as well as experiencing shifting dysphoria against the parts of my body that assign me to the gender I am not associating with. My jawline, on some days, is a celebration. On others, it’s a reminder that the world perceives me one way, and that I have to work to change it. Some days, I feel pained that I am so flat chested, as I feel like less of a woman. On others, I count myself blessed, because a tank top and a lack of a bra can transform me into a man.

I have been friends with trans people before, and when they came out, I remember feeling like I suddenly didn’t know them. This could not be further from the truth— the Me on the inside, that you are friends with, that you write with, that you occasionally say hi to? They have always been genderfluid. Only now is that being brought to the surface. If you are friends with me, then you have always loved a man without knowing. Nothing about who I am has changed, apart from the fact that I am bringing myself to the surface.

I can think of no other way to explain how I came to this conclusion than to tell my story. I hope that you can all recognise that this part of the post should be unnecessary. I hope that, if I were to end my post here, that you would be able to respect me for who I am, and who I am now realising I have always been. That said, I know that many people do not recognise gender fluidity as legitimate, and I am aware of the fact that simple exposure and explanation is one of the best ways to move towards acceptance. There is a reason many people who live in cities tend to be more accepting of others as a whole— exposure to diversity inherently breeds acceptance.

My story, through the lense of roleplay.

I began to roleplay when I was 17, and joined the lewd community less than 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. My story, however, begins earlier than that, with a brief insight into my real life. I shall be as vague as possible. I am a minor public figure out of character who makes a career off of public perception, and as such, my roleplay accounts being linked to my real life identity could derail my income source. Therefore, detail is impossible. I hope you understand.

When I was very young, I came to the conclusion I was bisexual. I was apparently the last to know this— my coming out was mercifully uneventful. Several years later, I realised that my bisexuality was me still holding onto the patriarchal view that I needed male fulfilment in my life. I coined myself a lesbian. That much has not changed since— although I suppose, after this change, I am now sometimes a straight male. I haven’t thought of myself as straight in a very long time. It is... unusual, after so long.

By the time I joined roleplay I was confident in my sexuality. I thought I was as confident in my gender— I was a “Woman”, capitol W. I did not see the already beginning signs of my gender identity shining through, such as the way I was very stereotypically a “dyke”, but crucially, only sometimes. I felt increasingly like something was wrong. Like I was just a brain, trapped in a body. I didn’t link this to gender issues at all. I assumed it was existential restlessness.

Very early on, I began to play “hung” characters. I found comfort in them, in the idea that I wasn’t less of a woman for wanting a dick, in the fact that I could actually have one! My characters have been varied, but I have returned to this many times. I have only recently realised that this was a projection of my gender issues. I also suffered from “penis envy”, which I would later discover was the beginning of dysphoria. One of my closest friends (Mila, aka @/NYMPHVILE for those who know her) is bisexual, and every time she spoke about sleeping with a man, I felt this pain in my chest. Someone made her happy— and I could never provide that same feeling for her. This should have been a sign long ago about who I was.

One day, I was speaking about these feelings with another of my friends— Mew, aka @/mew_writes, who has too many characters to list here. He suggested, almost nonchalantly, that I might be non binary.

Oh boy.

What followed was a several week long panic. I struggled to believe I was non binary— how could I be, when I associated so strongly with gendered features on both sides of the spectrum? No, I could not be. I talked to non binary people, researched it in my own time. No. It didn’t quite fit.

It was Mila who suggested genderfluid. I told her how I felt and that I might be non binary, and she responded with “that sounds like gender fluid to me.” Truthfully, I didn’t believe it could be possible at first. I didn’t believe gender could fluctuate like that— the people who did that were just making stuff up! In our current world, where women and men can dress as they want, you weren’t gender fluid— that was just your fashion sense.

This was, of course, tied to my views, due to a lack of exposure to gender fluidity. It took time to move past it— but I did, and I stopped gaslighting myself and trusted my instincts.

Once I accepted my gender fluidity, I still rejected masculinity, believing instead that I just fluctuated between female and non binary. With retrospect, this was a fear thing. I had always been gay. Always loved women. Always been a woman. If I was a man? I was a straight guy. I was the same as the men who had denied me so many freedoms, just some guy. It was foolish, of course. Straight men are as diverse and different as every other demographic, and besides— I’m not even a cis man, and I’m not male 100% of the time by a long stretch. This patriarchal worry kept me questioning for weeks longer.

I came to the final conclusion almost unceremoniously. Me and Mila agreed that it was likely an aversion to men, and because it was a masculine day, she began to use male pronouns and we continued as if nothing happened. It didn’t feel right until later that night. I’ll never forget when she called me a good boy for going to sleep on time. It was— dare I say— life changing, and it’s likely she didn’t even realise how much so. I am very lucky that she is bisexual.

A minor tangent.

This part is specifically addressed to those who believe hung accounts are wrong. If you do not feel this, there is little point to you reading this tangent. Feel free to skip ahead.

Here is the part where I very slightly preach at you. Many of the people within the trans community dislike hung characters, feeling like they are being fetishised. There is a large part of me that understands and agrees with this sentiment. If you are playing a hung character but disagree with trans rights or deny trans existence, please educate yourself. Seriously.

Howver, I also urge the trans people within the community to not be too harsh on these characters. I myself would not have discovered my own identity without playing these characters. It’s also worth noting that these characters normalise the idea that a woman with a dick should still be treated as a woman. I am, on an increasing amount of days, a man with a vagina. I have never seen a character portray this, and I would love for it to be normalised.

As part of this point, I also ask you to consider how roleplay functions as an escape. Almost every character in roleplay is what in any other circumstance would be considered a “Mary-Sue.”— a version of the author that represents a desire and encapsulates that feeling. I desperately, desperately wanted a dick, and I couldn’t explain why. Now I can. Not everyone is so fortunate— it has taken me years to come to this conclusion. If a “cis male” is playing a female character but still playing hung, consider what that means. They desire being identified as female so much that they enjoy being thought of as one in the eyes of other people. If a “cis woman” is playing a hung character, she may well be like I was— someone who has not found themselves yet.

These people may also find comfort in the idea that they would be accepted as their preferred gender, without being demeaned within that acceptance because of what is beneath their clothes. That is why many may call themselves hung instead of trans: an escape from that label may be appealing. In my case it was the opposite— legitimising my feelings of dysphoria while being able to continue feeling like a woman made me feel legitimate and happy. I could explain away my feelings while remaining a Cis woman. For so long, I lied to myself— but a part of me doubts I would have ever come to this realisation if I had not had that in-between step.

Many may not even realise this, and it may take time for them to discover whether or not they feel as such. I know many trans women in particular flock to the roleplay community for that very reason— escape from the discomfort of the realities of their physical form.

Then again, perhaps I am reading too much into it. However, in my case, these characters have helped me become who I really am. I urge hesitance with these accounts from the trans community. Not everyone is at the same point in their journey, and ultimately, roleplay is a way that we can become whoever we desire, whether we do so in a lewd way or not. If you disagree with that, I understand why, but that is how I feel on the matter, and I feel like now more than ever I have a degree of authority, however small and insignificant. Every time another account told me I was wrong for the character I played, it felt like a blow to the stomach, and I had no idea why. Turns out, it was the reminder that my outward appearance was reason enough for society to not accept the idea of me having a dick, even in a fantasy world where having one was physically possible.

Why I’m Genderfluid, and other realities.

Many people may wonder why I feel this way. This answer is unfortunately the least complicated, and the most unsatisfying.

I don’t know.

I wish I could give you a medical reason. A brain scan that showed how hormones are flipping me back and forth. But I just... can’t. I question my own sanity regularly, but I am coming to realise that this question is not a part of the real answer. The reality is this:

I’ve spent 19 years NOT being gender fluid. And I can’t spend another day living like that. It’s not that I know for certain with any of this. It’s simply that this is me, and I cannot change it, any more then I can reconstruct my face or delete my memories and upload new ones.

Many people also wonder if this is permanent. This is once again an answer that is painfully disappointing. I simply do not know. This may change— in fact, it is a difficult reality that it is likely. I know more than most that gender is a fickle and fluid thing. Maybe this is a middle step, like my non binary phase was, where I am running from the reality of being a trans man. Maybe this is a phase, where I feel I cannot love a woman while being wholly female, due to internalised homophobia.

But there is another reality worth addressing. No state of being is permanent. Whether I am genderfluid forever or not doesn’t matter. The fact is that now, in this moment, that is my best understanding of myself. If I discover another reality about myself, this does not erase this period of my life from my history. It also will not erase the memory of who was ok with me being who I really am, and who was not. I have tried being cis. I have hidden behind masks all my life. Sooki, my real life persona, Ashley, all my other characters— all masks to a certain degree. Cis was another mask I wore. Now it is off, and I will remember those who screamed and ran away when they saw what was beneath.

What happens with your roleplay characters?

Finally, an unashamedly fun party of the topic.

My characters have always felt just like that: characters. I act in ways that I would not on them all the time. All of my characters will remain as the gender they are, and will continue to well into the future. If I make a new character, I will specify their gender identity, and that will be that. They are not the same as me out of character.

Except for one.

Ash has always been a surrogate for me. Since the moment I made them, they have felt like a character that I can put myself into. They have diverged greatly from Halsey’s real life (although perhaps ironically, I have ultimately ended up following Halsey into a non cis life, as she came out as she/they non binary earlier this year). Me and Mila, along with a host of my other friends, have expanded her into a character with a rich backstory.

As such, I will be making Ash genderfluid to match myself. I understand the urge to make her just like me physically as well. However roleplay is an escape for me, and I quite enjoy the lewd community. Ash is an idealised version of myself, and this will hardly be the first time I have explored something that is not physically possible. And as such:

Ash will physically match my gender identity of the time. This means the whole 9 yards— when female, she will be as she has been up until this point. However, when he is male? No boobs, wider shoulders, maybe even a little bit of body hair, and a cock. It will be large too— I’m a size queen/king and I have no shame in doing such. The stereotypical masculinity of it is a fantasy I could live in forever, a positive pool in which I am able to swim in through my phone. I am able to present with this character as I wish to be one day— and although this is unrealistic with current technology, it is what I dream of. To be very clear— I would be doing this within my mind whether or not it was public and whether or not I was a lewd account. However, I am fond of the lewd community, and to me there is no greater affirmation of my gender than sexual affirmation. I am sure of this decision.

I am lucky to have chosen such a good FC. Halsey speaks to me as a person, and that connection, with retrospect, is not for naught. Halsey presents very masculine at times, giving me material of the same person presenting as both genders and allowing me to keep my FC. I will not be changing character in any way.

For example:

Female presenting:

Male presenting:

This transformational ability will also have an in universe explanation. I will be detailing this more in Ash’s updated backstory, which, if you are seeing this post, is updated and can be found here.

It will involve a little bit of magic, and be tied in with the story of Zia, aka @/NYMPHQUEEN, who helped me craft the story behind it.

So how do I act?

This part is simple! My pronouns will be in my bio. When role playing with me, treat me as a writer and Ash within the scene as you would a cis person of that gender. It’s really that simple.

Some more specifics, for those who would like them.

If we are within a scene and naked, or anything like that— feel free to continue writing within that gender even if I change. I will simply respond when my gender matches the plot and the roleplay will not make me feel dysphoric. No need for mid-story transformations. Easy.

Casual terms like bro, dude, darling, ect ect? All fine regardless of pronouns. My mind considers them gender neutral and I am not fussed about them.

If you slip up, don’t stress. I’m still getting used to this too, and I’m a forgiving person. However, if you disrespect me by deliberately avoiding using the pronouns very obviously displayed in my name, that will be when we have a problem. Then you’re just deliberately being a dick.

Conclusion.

I would like to thank my friends for helping me realise this about myself. In particular, the 3 mentioned in this post: Mew, Mila and Zia. You 3— plus all those knew about this before I went public— have helped me become comfortable enough in this decision to make it public.

And lastly: thank you to you, who has stuck through my long rambling to the end. I hope I have changed your views on gender fluidity if you did not believe in it before, and I hope that, whoever you are, you can respect me as a person and allow me to be myself.

But, I digress. I have rambled for far too long. In the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero:

“If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.”

Thank you. I love you.

Sooki (He/She)

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digitaldreams0801 · 3 years

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FU But Gay

In honor of this comment on Frontiers Unexplored that made me laugh my ass off, it’s time to talk about gay stuff in the Frontier rewrite. (Minor spoilers for chapters 15-17 and contains very over the top humor)

I mentioned this in an author’s note somewhere in some chapter (I don’t know which one, and it might be for a chapter that hasn’t been released yet; as of this post, I am writing chapter 49 but have only posted chapter 30), but everybody in this cast is queer in some way. Why? I’m gay, and I like writing about gay characters.

Also, a very good point that I’ve heard brought up within the fandom is that when the Frontier cast becomes Digimon, they become something that isn’t at all confined by the boundaries of humanity. Gender? Sexuality? What are those? I only know Digimon.

Bokomon stated earlier in the story that Digimon don’t have gender either since you know. they’re data. so I took that as an excuse to make everybody gay! You get to be gay, you get to be gay, and you get to be gay!

Without further ado, let’s get gay.

Takuya

Takuya is bisexual and a trans guy. That’s right, transphobes! I sucked you in under the preconceived notion that all goggleheads are cis! Funny enough (not really), I actually had somebody get mad at me for the trans rep in this story before Takuya was even revealed as trans. They stopped reading after getting mad that I included nonbinary characters, but I didn’t care and kept going out of spite. Also, I want to say that since bisexuality doesn’t exclude nonbinary identities contrary to popular misconception, Takuya could feasibly get with Chihiro, so worry not to the people who ship those two (since there are more than I thought there would be). Takuya could feasibly use he/him and them/they pronouns, but he doesn’t have ~ a second gender crisis ~ until after the events of the story. Shoutout to Aguni, Vritra, and Alda for making that happen since they hate gender (probably). As of the time of the story though, Takuya uses exclusively he/him pronouns.

Koji

Koji is pansexual and nonbinary. The main reason that this comment made me cackle so much is because it was right; Takuya and Koji are bi and pan respectively. Koji doesn’t really give a damn about gender; he just wants to be held and also to punch his father but that’s irrelevant. Koji uses he/him and them/they pronouns, but he doesn’t come to terms with that until after the story ends. He’s faster with it than Takuya, but it still takes a bit.

Tomoki

Tomoki is asexual and panromantic. He uses he/him and they/them pronouns. Tomoki is one of multiple asexual characters since I myself am ace and love expressing that through the characters I write. Tomoki is baby, and we should all look after him no matter what.

Izumi

Izumi is, much like Koji and Tomoki, pansexual. She comes out as nonbinary after the story, and it is definitely thanks to Zephyrmon’s influence. Zephyr would 10/10 cause that and not really give a shit about it. She uses she/her and they/them pronouns.

Junpei

Junpei is bisexual and nonbinary. He likes he/him and they/them pronouns though he admittedly prefers the former. His romantic type is Koji or Izumi; there’s basically no in between. He’s a disaster bi but I love him and you should too.

Koichi

Koichi is asexual and demiromantic. He doesn’t really mind much what the gender is of the person that he ends up with as long as they care a lot about each other. He’s also nonbinary like Koji and comes out as using he/him and they/them pronouns not long after the book ends.

Chihiro

Chihiro is pansexual and nonbinary. They’re neutral on the gender of their partner but would probably have a bias towards other trans people because of their experiences with being nonbinary. They may or may not make gay jokes about themselves and Takuya for the hell of it they do. Chihiro uses exclusively they/them pronouns, and you will wind up on their shit list for insinuating that they are particularly masculine or feminine when they pretty clearly hate that.

Yumiko

Yumiko is yet another asexual character, and she’s panromantic like Tomoki. She has a bias towards women, but she could still wind up with anyone who respected her. She uses she/her pronouns, but the Digimon sides of her don’t really care about gender (Fioremon in particular really doesn’t give a flying fuck), so that could easily change in the future.

Hinoka

Hinoka is a demisexual lesbian who loves women. It takes a while for her to connect with others, but when she does connect with a girl, chances are Hinoka will wind up head over heels sooner or later. You know, as soon as she can figure out her feelings, but that could take a while. Hinoka uses she/her pronouns, but much like with Yumiko, this could change.

Saki

Saki is pansexual and genderfluid. As of the time of the story, Saki is only out as pansexual and nonbinary, not having realized that they’re genderfluid yet. Like with a few others, the influence of the Digimon pushes them to realize that they’re genderfluid. During the story, they use they/them pronouns, though they wind up using any pronouns after the story ends. They laugh when people struggle to figure out their gender at a first glance to further feed their internalized chaos.

Mayumi

Mayumi is pansexual and nonbinary. She comes to terms with being nonbinary after the story ends and starts using they/them pronouns in addition to she/her. Mayumi doesn’t really mind about the gender of the person she ends up with, and she would probably flirt with anybody if she had the motivation and the love for it. She doesn’t feel that way about anyone in the group, but she totally would if she did.

Haroi

Haroi is simply demisexual, though much like Mayumi, he comes out as nonbinary after the story. He uses he/him pronouns during the story and later comes to start also using they/them. Haroi doesn’t mind the gender of the person he winds up with, but it takes a while for him to develop feelings. In conclusion, he’s baby.

Closing Thoughts

What have we learned here today, kids? Everybody is gay. When you’re a Digimon, straight people don’t exist. Also, cis people are minimal because of Digimon gender stuff. If you want to headcanon the two cis characters (Yumiko and Hinoka) as nonbinary, go for it. You have free reign over your headcanons, and I sure as hell will not going to stop you. Woo for the gays! We won!

Also if anybody is wondering about the influence of the Spirits since I brought that up I’m developing an AU focused around that and I’ll share the info about it as soon as the spoilers on it have been revealed in canon which will happen in chapter 39 the AU is called Spirit Fuse and it’s very interesting

Anyways, that’s about it from me this time. This post was pretty casual and goofy as far as my writing goes, but this stuff is all canon. Go gays! We win!

#digimon #digimon frontier #frontier #rewrite #digital's frontier rewrite bs #frontiers unexplored

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hanawrites404 · 4 years

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Part 3

"Des-pa-ci-to, na na na na na na na na na Burrito, pa ta pa pa ra pa pa na ra Secco, na na na na ta ra ta ta ta ta Procciotto~ Mmm...I love this song".

"Give me a break" Jotaro said, and his prayers were answered because the radio started to get all distorted.

"What the??" Noriko got disappointed and sulked as her song got ruined. Jotaro was smiling to himself from the inside, but the happiness didn't last for long when the car abruptly stopped in the middle of the road.

"The hell??" Mr. Kujo tried to start the engine again and again, but it didn't respond back.

"W-What happened??" Noriko asked him. "Don't know. I need to check the engine".

As soon as he said that sentence, on fat drop of water fell on the window with a thud, and it was soon followed by many and eventually it had started to rain cats and dogs.

"Fan-fucking-tastic" Jotaro remarked sarcastically as he slapped the steering wheel from frustration.

Jotaro noticed how Noriko was silent the whole time. He took a glance at Noriko and found her mumbling something to herself. She then rubs her chin, looks back from her seat and then opens her seatbelt and starts to get off the car.

"Wait, where are you going??" Jotaro took hold of her wrist to stop her. "Checking the engine. Why??". "Let me do that. You stay inside". "No, let me go" she struggles to get her hand out of Jotaro's grasp.

"Fine. Do what you want to" he then lets go of her wrist.

Noriko smiles and opens the door, but it wasn't even budging. She looks at Jotaro who shows her the car keys, which means that she won't be able to get out as he had locked all the doors automatically.

She glares at Jotaro and tries to get the keys from him, but he kept it inside his pant pocket, making it out of reach.

"Ha!! I don't need keys to get out" she smirks. She then goes to the driver's seat and does something down the steering wheel and the door opens with a click.

Now let's ignore the fact that Noriko had her boob pressed on Jotaro's knee when she was unlocking the door, shall we??

"How did you do that??" Jotaro asked her and Noriko just smiles and winks at him.

She then gets off and naturally the rain started to drip intensely on her. But ignoring all the awful wetness, she opens the front of the car and starts rummaging through the car parts, being careful not to disturb the other components.

Jotaro had gotten off too but he had an umbrella with him. He observed how Noriko was concentrating on her work and was not getting distracted by the cold rain.

Her whole attire was wet and Jotaro could see her small figure as her clothes clinged onto her body. He also noticed how the little girl was shivering from the cold, but still she was focused.

Her hair had turn darker due to the water and her hair waves had been straightened up, making her hair look longer.

The only thing which was intact was where her eyes and hands were and how her lips were slightly opened in order to take air in and out and also vibrating a little due to the cold.

However, her bangs were continuously disturbing her as they dropped on her face frequently. She always pulled them back but they kept falling on her face, hiding her vision.

To add some ease to the already struggling lady, Jotaro brushes her hair gently behind her ear.

Noriko looked at the owner of the hand with a slight hint of longing for a second and then continues her work. Jotaro's heart skipped a beat when the girl locked her amethyst eyes with his.

He was now truly in love with her, just like how he fell in love with his highschool sweetheart.

"Oh.....so the battery is dead" Noriko came to the conclusion. "Is that so?? Let me call the service center then" he was about to grab his phone.

"No wait" she stops him. She then looks around and sees a bus stand which was lit up.

"Perfect!!" she exclaimed. She then gets out the battery of the car.

"Do you have the battery charger??" She asks Jotaro. "Yes, I have it in the back". "Get it, quick".

Jotaro gives it to her and she then connects it to the battery. She then bites the other side of the wire's coating so that she could connect it with the bus stand's source.

"Pick the battery up and come with me" she orders him, and Jotaro picks up the battery and follows the girl.

The girl gets up the stand and rummages to find the wires which were connected to the source, and luckily she found it in no time. She then disconnects the wires and the bus stand's light goes off.

She then connects the wires of the charger to the source. It took her a minute, but after she was done, Jotaro was surprised to see that the car battery had started charging now.

Noriko grinned at her work and got off. She then casually goes and sits on the seat of the stand and looks up at the dark rainy sky while humming to herself.

"How do you know all of this??" Jotaro asked her with wonder.

"I worked as a mechanic at one of my part-time jobs, so I know the basics. Also, I want to become a mechanical engineer when I grow up" she told him.

"When I was a kid, I used to have a dream where I make a flying car which would be better than any vehicle which ever existed. It would be like a vision of the future" Noriko told him.

"That's great" Jotaro said. Noriko smiles at him. She then asks him "What about you Jotaro-san?? Why did you became a marine biologist??" Noriko kept her face on her palms.

"It's......a very long story" Jotaro told her. "I'm listening. We have a lot of time anyway. The battery will take only half an hour to charge, and I think Jolyne wouldn't mind us being a bit late" she told him.

"Fine.......I used to have these dreams........where I am standing in front of an aquarium and a plethora of marine species appear in front of my eyes. There were fishes, shrimps, corals and what-not.

But the most intriguing part was how my younger self and my lover were inside there too, and we were in each other's arms as we stared longingly at each other and went deeper and deeper into the waters.

Although the creatures of the dreams were always different in every dream, two things were common in it. One was us and second was how we pressed our lips against each other's as we submerged deep into the vast sea at the end of the dream".

"Wow, now that's very......poetic" Noriko was amazed.

"So was she your wife??" She asked next.

Jotaro shook his head no.

Noriko's eyes widen a bit, she then moved closer to him and asked him with curiosity.

"Who was she then?? Tell me!!" She asked like an excited baby.

"It's a he, Noriko". "A he??" Noriko raised her eyebrows, and Jotaro slowly nodded.

"Y-You mean, you are gay??". "I cannot really say. It was.........something that I had never expected from myself.

When I was of your age, I was not interested in girls as they were all annoying, and I usually got into fights with the boys.

He was a transferred student by the way, and our first time meeting each other was not pleasant at all, but I didn't know that eventually we would become so close to each other that we would be afraid to lose one another, and also that his death would still haunt me" Jotaro started to rub his eyes.

"Wait, he is dead?? What happened to him??" Noriko asked him. "I......He got a very fatal wound which literally passed through his stomach.....And I was not there for him at that time...........And he was only 17.........."

Jotaro's voice cracked at the last sentence as he had started to sob over his lover's memories. He covered his eyes with his hand but the tears weren't stopping at all.

Noriko's heart broke on watching the professor crying like this. She then moved more closer to Jotaro and hugged the man. She then started to rub his shoulder and back as she whispered sweet nothings in his ear to soothe him. Fortunately, Noriko was successful in comforting Jotaro for a bit as he stopped crying.

"I.....I'm sorry. I got a bit carried away" he wiped his eyes. "It's alright......I know how it feels to lose someone dear to you" she admitted.

"And you know what's the worst part?? I can never find peace ever again in my life after his death" Jotaro continued. "What do you mean??" Noriko asked.

"I got married and Jolyne was born. I was hoping to find love once more and have a normal family by my side, but it didn't work well. My profession had distanced me away from my family, and I had began to barely give any time to them.

I am also a target to one of the most dangerous people, and I don't want my family to be one of the targets because of me. That's why I got a divorce from my wife, and Jolyne now has an incomplete family.........".

"Yeah.....she had told me about the divorce. But I didn't know that you had left your wife because you wanted her to be safe"

Noriko then holds his hand and caresses it with her smaller ones.

She then smiles to herself and says "You are a very good person Jotaro-san. There is no way one can call you unjust or crude".

"The time when you offered to come with me to the hostel, I had already got an impression that you cared for me even though it had been only minutes since we met.

And the time when you defended me from that perverted manager, I got to know that you didn't like evil even a single bit, and that you protect weaker people if they are in trouble. Now that's a trait I love in a man" she told him.

Jotaro's cheeks got heated up and he looked away from her. Noriko chuckled as she spoke next.

"Not to sound creepy and all but, if only I was a bit older, I would have loved to marry you" she grinned.

Jotaro's blush worsened. He desperately tried to hide his face by hiding in his hat, but the red girl was smart, as she removed his hat and cupped his face. She then turned his head towards herself and pecked him on his cheek.

"A small thank you, for everything" she said and caressed on of the curls of his black hair. Now Jotaro was helpless, he cannot hide his flustered face now as it was fully exposed to the red lady.

She chuckled at the cute expression of the professor. Their relationship had now evolved from formal to informal from the very time Noriko kissed the man.

Noriko didn't regret it and Jotaro pretty much enjoyed it to the most. Speaking in a nutshell, both of their intimacy just went to the next level.

"Well, I think 30 minutes have passed now. Let's go home" she then lets go of Jotaro and goes to disconnect the battery.

Jotaro touches the cheek where the girl had kissed him. It reminded him of his lover's sneaky kisses which he used to give while he was sleeping or when no one was looking.

He also remembers how he used to hit him in the head for that and it pained the red head for the whole day.

*10 minute time skip, brought to you by Cock-yo-ween*

Both of them had now successfully reached home. They then got off the car, grabbed the dinner and rang the doorbell of the door.

Jolyne was quick to open the door. She then asked "What took you two so long. Do you even realise that it's 11 now??".

"Sorry, we had some problems with the car. The battery had died so we had to charge it" Noriko replied as they both entered the house.

"Alright. And what about the manager?? Did you kick his ass??" Jolyne asked.

"Ummmmm.....About that....."

"I had taken care of him for her".

Noriko looked at Jotaro with a bit astonishment. "Wait, you did?? For me??". "Yes. I wanted to--"

"Jotaro-san!!! Not fair!!" She then punches him in the chest and goes away in the kitchen to keep the food.

Jotaro then facepalms and mumbles "Ugh, give me a break". He literally saved her from harassment, and this is how she repays??

"Jotaro-san~ Huh Dad??" Jolyne was next to tease him. Jotaro blushed and looked away from his daughter.

"I-I just wanted her to drop the formalities with me" he defended. "Oh is that so?? Then what's that on your right cheek??" She asked.

Jotaro touched the area where she was talking about and felt something silky and slippery. He then looked at his hand and found a red substance which smelled like cherries.

"You might be wondering what the hell is this?? Well this is cherry lip gloss, and Noriko is the only one I know who puts it and she was with you the whole time, wasn't she??" She crossed her arms.

Jotaro was busted. What he feared the most has now happened. He braced for the harsh impact and was expecting Jolyne to shout at him, but all he got was his daughter speaking to him in a soft manner while holding his shoulder.

"You love her, don't you??" She asked her father.

Jotaro did not look into her eyes. Though her suspicions were correct, he was afraid to agree with her as he thought that it might lead to certain unfavorable consequences. He would have not given a shit to anyone else but this is his own daughter we are talking about right now.

"Dad, please tell me. I'm not going to judge you or anything" she assured him. He then finally nodded without saying anything else.

Jolyne was silent for a moment, processing everything in her brain. After some seconds, she lightly chuckled to herself.

"Honestly, it's not surprising to me. She really is an attractive individual. Not to mention, she really looks like your lover, uncle Noriaki".

Jotaro shot his eyes up at her face when he heard that name. So she knew it the whole time??

"Dad.....you have gone through a lot and you deserve to be happy. If being with Noriko does the trick then so be it. Although I'm sad that Mom was not enough for you, but it's alright. All uncle Noriaki wanted after his death was you to be happy, so do it at least for him".

"B-But what about--". "Age gap?? Are you really worrying about that?? You are Dr. Kujo!! The big, bad professor who doesn't give a fuck to anyone and won't hesitate to kick bones and break ass" she winked.

The alternation she had done to her sentence seemed to make Jotaro chuckle a bit.

"And also, remember how great-gramps married great-aunt Tomoko when she was way younger than him??".

"Don't compare me to that old man" his said grimly. "Alright, sorry. But you do get my point right?? Tonight, you are going to give it to her hard" she punched his shoulder motivatively.

"Give me what??" Noriko came out of the kitchen to see what was going on.

"O-Oh it's nothing Noriko" she grins innocently at her while keeping her hands behind her.

Noriko shrugs and then calls both of them to have dinner as it has been reheated.

"Oh great. I was starving anyway" Jolyne went to the dining room.

"Jotaro-san, come on". "Yes, coming" and he too joined the girls for supper.

*Time skip till bed time brought to you by the lazy author*

"I'm really sleepy now. It's good that I don't have to wake up early tomorrow and see Anderson's owl face" Jolyne yawned.

Noriko chuckled as she scratched her red head. "But that doesn't mean you are not going to study tomorrow. And do note that I am going to clench you hard".

"Yeah yeah I get you. It's better to get lectured by you instead of that excuse of a teacher".

"Oh come on, he is not that bad". "Oh he is very bad Noriko. Don't even ask me where he comes in my ultimate list of total bitches and assholes".

Both of the girls then laughed happily as they gossipped about school and many other things. Jotaro was happy to see both of them bond with each other.

It reminded him of when Noriaki used to tell him facts about everything he ever spotted on their way.

'Jotaro, did you know that Jaipur is also known as the Pink town??'

'Jotaro, did you know that Singapore is one of the greenest cities??'

'Jotaro, did you know that you have more than 100 million bacteria in our nose??'

Though it pissed him how he always acted like a nerd on a trip, he enjoyed listening to his factual rambling.

In turn, he too used to share some information on marine life he read in magazines and Noriaki listened to him patiently. A few kisses here and there were inevitable which made the session even more interesting.

"Alright then. I'll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight Noriko" Jolyne then retired in her room after their night conversation was over.

After bidding Jolyne goodnight, Noriko turned to the man who had his eyes on her the whole time. She then calls out to him with a small blush on her cheeks.

"Jotaro" his name slipped from her lips like petals, and it turned him on. The taller man approached her slowly, eyeing her from top to bottom. He then caressed her rosy cheeks and cupped her face, their faces only inches away.

Noriko was looking directly into his ocean green eyes, loosing herself in those orbs. Jotaro had his eyes on her plump lips as pink as peaches. She could not hold on anymore, and so could not Jotaro himself.

Both of them finally pressed their lips together and it was as if two opposite ends of magnets finally met. The kiss was gentle at first, but then it got more passionate as he pulled her closer by her slim waist.

The smaller girl had wrapped her arms around the broad shoulders of her partner. She being way shorter than him had to stand on her tippy toes to reach his level.

Jotaro noticed how she was struggling, so he offered. "You want to do it in bed??".

Noriko blushed a deep red, but then nodded at him. Jotaro picked her up in bridal style and she held onto him. He then took her to his elegant bedroom.

Though is was a decorated simply, it was looking very exquisite. The floor was wooden and it creaked softly under Jotaro's steps.

The taller man laid down the smaller lady slowly and carefully on the bed as if she was made up of delicate glass. The girl stared longingly at the man hovering over her as she leaned up to kiss his lips.

(Part 4)

#jojo's bizarre adventure #jotakak #jotaro x kakyoin #kakyoin noriaki #jotaro kujo #jolyne cujoh #jjba #jjba genderbend #female kakyoin #what I wrote

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radfem-moira · 5 years

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This never happens

I’m 19, back from a year abroad, ready for a fresh new start after a bout of depression. I spent my whole summer coming out to be people. It’s not that coming to a sudden realization during my depression made me want to scream it from the rooftops. It’s that literally every single of my parents friends’, my relatives, the neighbours, my high school friends, keep making that same joke. “Did you meet a nice foreign boy over there?” No. No I didn’t. I met a nice foreign girl. It didn’t go anywhere. I regret being such a coward. But I’m not a coward anymore.

I start college again, with a new direction. I’m a brand new person now. I know where I’m going in life (or so I think). I know what I can and cannot do. I know what I want and what I don’t want. I feel so self-confident, so done with this pushover doormat bullshit I used to pull as a way to avoid responsibility.

It takes a full semester before I try joining the GSA again, like I did before my gap year abroad. I'm apprehensive, but since I know most of the old members have graduated, including the one who’s been haunting my nightmares for over a year now, I feel relatively okay going in. I meet new people. New friends. New friends-of-friends.

Some of those friends-of-friends are trans. There were only three trans people in the GSA back when I left, but now almost a third of the membership identifies that way. Mostly “AFAB” nonbinary people and transmen. I think nothing of it. My LGBT etiquette is decent, I think. I know what’s fashionable to say and what’s not. The first time I hear someone call one of our members, a lesbian, a “TERF” for stating that she could not have sex with someone who has a penis, I stay quiet. I don’t think the other lesbian ever came back.

I’m 20. One of our senior executives at the GSA is another lesbian. But then one day, at an educational panel which I’ve organized (I was elected president by that time) at the request of a teacher, she suddenly declares, to an auditorium of over 100 people, that she’s actually “homoflexible”. She tells the whole 100 people that lesbian is the label that she’s “most comfortable with”, because most people “understand it right away”, and anyway she doesn’t think it’s likely she’ll ever date a man again, but she likes to “keep an open mind”, because “you never know”.

A cold feeling of betrayal invades me. I ask myself why. Why? Why not “bisexual”? What’s wrong with “bisexual”? Why do you have to do this to me, and to other lesbians? Why do you have to launch yourself on a diatribe explaining why you, as a bisexual woman, feel more comfortable telling everyone that you’re a lesbian? When actually, you’re perfectly aware that you’ll be a lesbian until the right man comes along? You’re literally playing right into dangerous stereotypes that make existing as an actual homosexual woman a living hell!

Three years later, I’m 23, I have a minor disagreement with a bisexual friend on Facebook, over some unimportant semantics. We’re settling it quite calmly, like adults. Enter homoflexible girl, barging in, berating me for saying something she perceives as “biphobic”, accusing me of “transphobia”. Through that interaction, I learn that homoflexible girl is now dating a “pre-operative trans woman”. Her friends join in for a good old-fashioned dogpile. Eventually, I have to block all of them.

I’m 19 again. One of the friends-of-a-friend I’ve met through the GSA is a transwoman. Well, our GSA has two transwomen. But the other one is different, and we don’t interact much. She’s “straight”, for one (as in, she’s a transwoman who dates men), and lived as a gay man for years before starting her transition. She passes better (because she’s been transitioning for longer, and also because she’s very invested in replicating femininity), and I feel like I relate more to her, although I can’t put my finger on why. I now know that it’s because I related to her same-sex attraction and experiences of homophobia.

The other transwoman is a “lesbian” - she only likes women. Specifically, she likes lesbians. Particularly cis lesbians. I don’t really know how to respond to her awkward, even creepy attempts at flirting (she follows me to the train station multiple times). She’s clearly very nerdy and very socially awkward, and so am I. But beyond that, I can’t find it in me to return the affection. I know I should be able to experience it, but I never could. I just can’t do it. No amount of reading about terfs and genital fetishism and transphobia and how wrong and sick and worthy of death all this is can make me right. I desperately want to want her. I know I should be able to.

The school year ends. Summer comes. I meet my first girlfriend on some dating app. By the time I’m back to school, I’m unavailable. The transwoman switches her attention to someone else, to a new, younger lesbian. I say nothing.

I’m 23 again. Every single girl who called herself a lesbian back in my GSA day is either dating a man, dating a transwoman, or is now openly calling herself pan/bi. One of them berates me on Facebook for objecting her demands that we relabel the LGBT community as the “Queer” community. Continues to call me queer and dyke throughout the discussion despite my repeated expressions of distaste for the slurs. One of her friends jumps in and calls me “privileged” for being a "cis lesbian”. The former lesbian blocks me after I deadname her - that’s right, she identifies as a “him” now. I didn’t even know until someone else told me later. A small loss.

I’m 22. It’s Pride and we’re at a gay club, so while the club is full, I’m perfectly aware that the actual ratio of gay to straight is not typical of the establishment. I’m also very aware of how I look on a clubbing night. It’s fine if someone is attracted to me, if they try to flirt with me, even if they’re male. I get it. But once I’ve stated obvious disinterest, and once you see me clearly trying to hook up with someone else, you should leave me the fuck alone.

The transwoman who shows up with my friend - apparently she’s her roommate - doesn’t understand this simple rule of etiquette. She tries to hit on me in the most awkward, pathetic way, while I’m desperately trying to wriggle away. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Tonight is a night of celebration, and I’m not actually mean, contrary to popular belief. I’m also drunk, and I’m not sure how drunk she is, but I really don’t want to anger her. And finally, there’s this other girl. Ex of an ex. She’s a cutie. I want to tap that. But it’s hard when a scrawny boy wearing a choker and eyeliner keeps trying to get between the two of you.

All night long, the transwoman interferes in the other lesbian and I’s attempts at finding some time alone. She follows us to the atm. She sits between us when we find a table on the rooftop. She keeps trying to talk to me about the most absurdly uninteresting things while I desperately try to stay in group conversations. She’s so obsessed with herself, talking about her job, her parents, hell, even her hormones, and I’m not even sure if she even asked me anything about myself at any point, or if I ever got to spontaneously share. It may have been the alcohol, but throughout this whole ordeal, all I could think of was how heterosexual our rapport felt. She, the male, talking at me, apparently not seeing utter disinterest in my silence. Me, the female, not wanting to hurt her male feelings, quietly enduring.

Finally, we all decide to call it a night. We all need to take the last subway to go home. But as I’m about to join my friends, the girl I’ve been trying to hit on holds me back. “Wanna go dance?” She asks. She knows I’ve been wanting to, but no one else would, so I didn’t. I’m elated. I say yes.

The transwoman turns around. Looks at us. And says “you know what? I think I’ll stay.”

I don’t remember ever feeling this angry at someone in my life. By this time, she was more drunk than anyone else - she’d even been sick (in the women’s bathroom, naturally). We were responsible for her. But all we wanted was to go dance and then go home and have good old fashioned gay sex.

The night had a happy ending regardless of this “woman”’s interference. I regret not simply telling her, at the subway station “sorry, but we’re going home after this and we’re going to have sex and you’re not invited”. But there’s something terrifying about saying no to someone who is supposed to be oppressed, but still behaves like they have privilege. You know others will quickly jump to their defense if you don’t handle their feelings like they’re made of glass. And at the same time, they still have the power to seriously harm you.

This was just a collection of ramblings about the modern LGBT movement. There’s no conclusion to it. This is just it.

#transmisogyny #lesbophobia #homophobia #growing up gay #musings

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jazzhandsmcleg · 4 years

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Friendly reminder that I’m nonbinary! And I recently switched to they/them full-time (she/her is still, generally speaking, acceptable -- but I get enough of that from my family and at work, so...)

I’m still working out how much of my partial ongoing identification with womanhood is a feminist thing -- how much I dislike calling myself a woman is because of the infantilization of women (see: if I do anything of the sort I’ll call myself a girl) and how much is because I genuinely don’t feel like the label applies to me (and if anyone has any resources or thoughts about untangling that by all means please point me at them).

Similarly, I’m sure a lot of my sense of independence and DIY is tied up with my drive to demonstrate what women or people who are read as women are capable of. This is absolutely not unreasonable of me. Being a woman or visibly AFAB or whatever comes with structural disadvantages, and it’s always good when I’m a personal part of dismantling or pushing past those. But when I’m as laissez-faire about gender as I am, I think the whole thing can have kind of a chameleonic affect on my true thoughts on the matter, so, yeah, that’s been fun. How much is principle vs. how I actually feel? How much of what I actually feel is left over from years of thinking I was cis just because I didn’t know any better? I’m pretty sure I know the answer and also pretty sure that thinking about it won’t get me very far (as it seldom has before, with these things), but it’s worth examining anyhow.

I do not identify as a guy nor do I use he/him pronouns (more about pronouns later but generally speaking, while I have no strong feelings about the pronouns in and of themselves or the male gender in and of itself, I have no desire to align myself with masculinity in such an obvious way and since I haven’t got strong feelings on most of the rest of this I might as well listen to the ones I have, right? -- and by the way that reluctance is definitely tied to feminism, I recently untangled that one so it’s not like I’m not making strides with this).

HOWEVER, in the last couple of years I have developed a tendency to refer to myself as a a simple man with simple needs, as a “man down” if I fall, that sort of thing. Again, at first I felt kind of bad about this from a feminist perspective, since I already said I had no desire to link myself to masculinity. And I’m still not sure why that’s okay but using he/him pronouns isn’t?? Maybe because it’s pretty clearly in jest. But I just recently figured out that it feels transgressive to me and that’s why I like it! Like, you know, I very clearly read as AFAB and for the most part I’m either happy with how I present (i.e. my hairstyle, my voice) or at least fine with it (with the notable exception of my interest in a top surgery appointment somewhere in my hopefully-not-too-distant future). So I feel like if I don’t indicate to people (especially if I’m not out to them) in a few tiny ways that I’m not cis then I’m going to be perpetually read as such. Muddying that reading isn’t a lot but it makes me happy.

-- Also, like, being nonbinary and expressing it doesn’t make me non-feminist. I despise the use of “he” as default pronouns for theoretical figures and all the related trappings of men as emblematic of humanity as a whole, but calling myself a man, even if I’m not one, is definitely not doing that. It’s a difference of scale as well as intent. And I wouldn’t call someone else a man, even in jest, if they didn’t identify as such, so that’s that.

And now I feel better about my life!

One further note on pronouns before I wrap this up. Like I said, I have no problem with he/him in and of itself; it’s the connotations that bother me. Similarly, I’m used to she/her on account of using it all my life, and in some cases it seems appropriate for feminist goals as stated previously, but it carries this tang of assumption, you know? I like they/them the best because it acknowledges my gender weirdness, even if I don’t mind the others.

Also, frankly, I’m concerned that if/when I come out to people, if I say “either she or they is fine” then they’ll completely disregard they/them and use exclusively she/her and that’s...not what I want. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but I want to be acknowledged if I go to the hassle of filling people in on this. It’s not too much to ask for and I know this.

(As for labels, nonbinary is still the easiest but I think agender is probably the most specific, and I also recently came to include myself under the trans umbrella, so that’s fun.)

In conclusion, *jazz hands*

#just some thoughts about gender under the cut #nothing too serious; just some new stuff that occurred to me the other day #of course no need to read but you can if you want #trans men are men trans women are women nb people are nb and we all deserve respect! have a nice day #Jazz notes #what no I didn't originally forget my own gotdamn personal tag and have to come back and add it 15 minutes later

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fire-fira · 4 years

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Nonbinary Awareness Week Day 2: Coming To Terms

(This is probably going to get wordy as heck.)

First time I heard terms around being nonbinary or about there being more than two genders:

Whoooooo boy. Okay, so the first time I heard terms for it was sometime in my teens (because yay, the now dated af documentary [Middle Sexes]-- dear gods, I had to be around 18 or 19 even though it feels like I saw it when I was way younger, more around 13, smh). First time I was aware of there being more than two genders though... That was back when I was 4. I didn’t have the words for it back then beyond ‘I know I’m not a girl. So does that make me a boy? ...Noooooo, I’m not that either.’ (Not that I was saying that to anyone around me, because no one asked.)

When and how I realized I was nonbinary:

LOL

Like I said with the first question, I knew I was nonbinary when I was 4. (I’m an allistic hyperlexic and I was WAY too smart for my own good as a little kid. I was thinking through cause-and-effect when I was 4 and reading at a college level in first grade. So me going through that whole ‘Why are they calling me that? That’s weird and isn’t right, I’m not a girl. Okay, if I’m not a girl does that mean I’m a boy? ...Noooooo, I’m not that either’ string of logic at that age was entirely on brand for me.)

Something else that was entirely on brand for me at that age was looking at the world around me and not seeing any examples of what I knew I was and immediately coming to the conclusion that if I told anyone I wasn’t a girl or a boy that they’d think I was insane and have me committed to an asylum and I’d never be let out. Not fun times. (Though hilariously enough, that same logic I had as a kid also came to the conclusion that since I wasn’t a girl or a boy that it was impossible for me to be straight. Yes, I seriously thought out that sort of crud and came to that conclusion as a kid. And considering I’m aroace turns out I was right-- though obviously not for the reasons I thought back then. lol)

Though the first time I saw an example of anything in fiction that said ‘that’s what I am’ in terms of my gender to little me was when I was 5 and saw the anime Dominion Tank Police for the first time. (The character didn’t even have any lines and was unconscious in a sort of stasis, and then wasn’t even on screen for long. Pretty sad if you think about it, but 5-year-old me was enthralled by the idea of seeing a character like me when I didn’t think that was possible.)

Second example of a character in fiction that read as nonbinary to me was way back in 1st grade and it was a book on tape. I can’t remember the title or the author (infuriatingly enough), but I do remember that the main character (named X) was able to mentally jump from one person to another and ‘inhabit’ them without anyone knowing they were there ‘controlling’ the person’s actions, and that X’s pronouns shifted with whoever they were temporarily inhabiting. (Little me both was and wasn’t envious of the idea. On one hand, being able to switch around like that would have been nice; on the other hand, never being seen as me and only as other people is something that I found unnerving, and still do.)

Did I ever consider being a label other than the one I identify with, and what was the process of finding my gender like?:

From ages 4 to 18 there was a TON of me not saying outright what I was, but also trying to be read as nonbinary as possible. I was so painfully obvious about being nonbinary that it was like a rhinoceros wearing a tutu and a tiara and trying to hide behind a 1 ft tall bush and claim it was a ballerina. No one was buying it. But since most people around me didn’t have the mental framework to even conceive of anyone nonbinary, there was a lot of me freaking people out because they could tell I was ‘weird’ but they couldn’t put into words or place how I was ‘weird’.

I tried to figure out terms back in junior high to early high school, but the ones back then didn’t really stick. (They were way too caught up in my aroace-ness too, and just didn’t feel right. I let go of the two terms I thought up back then because they also felt kind of pretentious to me and I didn’t like that feeling.)

I came to third-gender as the term that just felt right when I was 22 or 23 thanks to self-education and finding Will Roscoe’s [Changing Ones]. (And damned if my mixed-race Native ass wasn’t relieved to know that a lot of NDN cultures recognize(d) people like me for who we are/were. And yeah, I know there are some things in that book that are questionable, but at the time it was what I needed.)

For a while in my early-to-mid 20s I considered identifying as genderqueer, but I couldn’t pin down the definition for it in my head and that made me uncomfortable-- and with the fact that one of the possible definitions is ‘a person not identifying with socially constructed gender roles’ (which can apply to some cis people), I felt like it wasn’t clear enough in stating that I am not a woman or man. So I ditched it pretty quickly.

I also had a brief stint in my early 20s of wondering if I was intersex and had been operated on before I fully grasped the concept that anatomy =/= gender. (I might or might not be, genetics and biology is weird and complicated and I don’t really care, though as far as I’m aware I’m not.)

Calling myself nonbinary more generally clicked into place when I was about 25.

I’ve vaguely considered Two Spirit, but 1) I don’t feel like I have a right to that term without someone else Native saying that I am (for complicated personal reasons), and 2) part of me feels it’s not quite as specific as I’d prefer for my own self-description.

Have I come out to anyone else? Who?:

AHAHAHAHAAAAAA-- I started coming out more openly in my early 20s and I never freaking looked back.

First person I actually came out to (in that complicated ‘I’m not a girl or guy’ way) was the school counselor for my grade on the last day of my senior year of high school. Talk about dropping an info bomb and running.

First person in my family I came out to was a cousin who I’m not close to (and has serious issues, which I’m hoping she’ll eventually get better from), and even though I haven’t seen her in years (she kind of burned all bridges with our family) my fiance’s seen her around recently and has told me that my cousin used the right pronouns for me. Honestly didn’t expect that when at least two (loud) members of my family won’t even give me that respect.

My family knows, all my friends know, back when I was in college I made it a point to come out on the first day of classes every class, and I make it a point to come out if I’m going to be interacting with anyone for an extended period of time rather than just a few minutes. Why? Because I am still PAINFULLY FREAKING OBVIOUS, and if I tell people right off the bat then they’re able to get over the internal ‘OMG THAT PERSON’S WEIRD! BUT HOWWWW????????’ pretty quickly instead of freaking out over trying to pick apart why I trip their sense of ‘this person is strange’.

If you’re not out, are you planning to come out? Is being out important to you?:

I am SO thoroughly out.

I cannot and WILL NOT go back to lying about who I am. I was so damn miserable before I stopped lying and trying to hide that I’m an enby. No one can pay me enough to ever willingly go back to that.

And again, I’m painfully obvious. I can’t hide, even if people have the biggest cis-normative goggles on, because my behavior, personality, intonation, and body language-- everything of who I am-- gives me away. It’s honestly safer for me to be upfront about my gender than it is to try to hide it, because if I’m going to be tripping wires for people anyway then I may as well give them the framework to understand it so they don’t stress and obsess over it to the point of either ostracizing me or being outright hostile. (Yes, that’s happened to me a lot in my life.)

Plus my being so blatantly out has helped a bunch of other people where I live come to terms with the fact that they’re enbies too. And there is no way in hell I will ever regret having helped others have the confidence to be who they are.

#NBWeek #Nonbinary Awareness Week #NonbinaryAwarenessWeek #nonbinary #non-binary #my life #long post #I need to reblog the prompt thing again #and probably the individual prompt posts

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genderpunktheo · 5 years

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Hey! I'm really not trying to, like, start drama or anyhting but i really want an actual trans persons oppinion on somehting: I think you do need dysphoria to be trans, but i also think that peoples definition of dysphoria is wrong, which is why people say you dont. because medically dysphoria basically means that how (you feel that) someone views your body is different to what you actually are. and for trans people, thats basically that people see you as a gender that youre not (1/2)

And I think that thats a necessity to be trans? Like, you arent the gender you were assigned. But I think the disconnect comes because people claim dysphoria means hating your body which, it can, but it doesnt always? idk. i just wanted to get a trans persons opinion on this because obviously, i could be missing something.

Hi nonnie! Sorry in advance, this is gonna get really long cause I have a lot of Thoughts™ but hopefully, this helps!

So I don’t think that you need gender dysphoria to be trans and I have several reasons and sources for that but I’m glad you asked about it and did it in such a polite way! Props to you for reaching out honestly.

First up, I do agree with you that some of this disagreement on whether you do or don’t need it, comes down to people using different definitions. Some folks who think you do need to have dysphoria are defining it only as a disconnect from your assigned gender (this can be called “gender incongruence” and even more confusingly, sometimes the two are used interchangeably).

Whereas dysphoria is better described as the distress caused by that disconnect - but not everyone has that. Some trans people only feel the disconnect, some feel dysphoria, some feel euphoria or some combination of those (think of those respectively as “kind of meh” “this sucks” and “yay” if that helps you visualise it).

The majority of trans people have dysphoria about their assigned gender and then may or may not have euphoria about their true gender.

Most people who don’t have dysphoria have meh feelings about their assigned gender and very positive feelings about their real gender, which is still more than enough to make people want to transition either socially or medically if that will bring them more euphoria.

So why then do I follow the definition of gender dysphoria as the distress rather than the disconnect, and why do I believe only some trans people have it?

Well, part of that is that I am a firmly inclusive person in my personal politics anyway so if someone says they’re trans but have a different experience than me, I’m still going to believe them, even if I don’t understand their experiences. You could consider that a bias of mine I guess?? But I’ve found that in general human beings are so complicated and diverse, it’s best to just listen to someone if they tell you they’re feeling a thing. They know themselves best.

But I can also back that up with a whole bunch of gender dysphoria definitions. The NHS, DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association and more all agree that not every trans person experiences this distress but that the distress is required for a gender dysphoria diagnosis.

I’ll use the NHS as the example here since I’m most familiar with that (National Health Service, here in the UK for anyone who doesn’t know).

Notably, they don’t have a set of criteria for assessing whether you are trans, only for assessing whether you have dysphoria - because being trans does not require a diagnosis for anything, including a gender dysphoria diagnosis.

Here they explain that dysphoria is specifically the distress, not just the disconnect and that it can be caused by the disconnect (gender incongruence) but is not the same as that.

They then go on to explain the difference between sex and gender and that for most people they match but for some they don’t, and then they say

“This mismatch… can lead to… gender dysphoria.”

Not “does lead to” or “always leads to.” Can. As in sometimes.

Next, there are the diagnostic criteria:

As you can see, the “mismatch” (disconnect) or gender incongruence can be a sign of gender dysphoria but is not in itself dysphoria. The strong desire then refers to bodily dysphoria.

So… does everyone experience dysphoria the same and is it even policeable, to begin with?

What you’re talking about (how people view you rather than distress with the physical body) is a type of dysphoria called social dysphoria. And that’s super important to mention too - there are different types of dysphoria and people can experience them in different ways. The mainstream narrative is, as you say, that they hate their body and want every surgery possible.

And that is the case for some people. It’s probably the easiest to understand for a cis person, so it’s the most common version to hear. But a lot of trans people don’t experience bodily dysphoria that intensely or if they do they only experience it about some things (e.g. they may have chest dysphoria but no bottom dysphoria).

It’s super harmful for us to act like there’s only way to experience this and if you don’t hate everything about your body then you’re not trans. It leaves people feeling alone and broken for so long because they have these feelings but don’t believe they can be trans.

I myself took longer than I needed to work it out, because while I have dysphoria about my chest, hips, and periods, I don’t have any bottom dysphoria. Totally cool with that area. But dysphoria doesn’t have to work like that.

It’s also important to mention that this can often harm nonbinary trans folks especially. We can’t fit the typical narrative no matter how hard we try.

You can then have social dysphoria. So personally, a lot of my dysphoria about my chest is caused by the fact that I know people see that and immediately think “girl” thus misgendering me. It’s why I got my hair cut (side note: of course anyone of any gender can have long hair, it’s just associated more with girls and my social dysphoria does not like that).

And of course, we have euphoria which is the very positive feelings from things that are affirming to your true gender like having your name and pronouns used correctly. I think it’s super important to have more conversations about euphoria and how it can help us to realise what our gender is (I would never have settled on being nonbinary if I hadn’t tried out they/them pronouns with friends first). It’s often left out of conversations and I think that’s harmful.

It is also, of course, possible that some of the people who seem to be just feeling meh about it actually have a low amount of dysphoria, or dysphoria that doesn’t present typically and they don’t realise that. But I think that’s unlikely to be the case for everyone because again. humans are pretty varied and never fit well into neat little boxes.

Dysphoria is such a varied and personal experience, it’s not really something you can police anyway.

I’m also strongly against making any rules about having to have dysphoria to be trans, because inevitably when we do that, someone somewhere decides to appoint themselves the Trans Police™ and start hunting for “fakes” and “trenders.” Even if I did believe the idea that some people are trenders (I don’t! but hypothetically), this always ALWAYS comes back to bite those who do have dysphoria.

Someone will have dysphoria but it presents a little differently. Yeah, well now you’re a fake. Someone will be trans but gender non-conforming (a trans guy who wears make-up for example). Fake. Someone will have loads of social dysphoria but little bodily dysphoria. FAKE. And on it goes.

You even get people trying to make arguments like “if you’ve been through transition and your dysphoria stopped… you probably never had it to start with and are fake.” As if… that’s not the point of transition for a lot of folks??

The only way to stop that from happening is to just… stop gatekeeping*?

So yeah in conclusion /

TL;DR

Medical definitions of dysphoria see it as the distress not just the disconnect

Not everyone has that distress

Even those that do, experience it in lots of different ways, not all of them physical

Euphoria is totally a thing and we should talk about it way more

Policing never helps anyone anyway

We should listen to folks when they explain how they feel

*before some transmed uses their favourite line “I can’t gatekeep, I’m not a medical professional” I’m not talking about gatekeeping medical resources genius! I’m talking about gatekeeping socially, in community spaces because you can absolutely bully and exclude people from much needed social space.

#long post #sap gives advice #trans #dysphoria #dysphoria debate

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