#they're in my apartment doing stuff all the time

[scoonsalicious]

7.4 Bucky*

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Summary: Lily McIntyre, trainer for new SHIELD recruits at the Avengers Tower, has been in love with her best friend, Bucky Barnes, from the moment she met him. She's been content with her role of the #1 girl in Bucky's life, even if it means she has to sabotage a romantic relationship or two. It'll be worth it when he realizes that they're meant for each other, right? There's just one small problem: Lily McIntire never expected Bucky Barnes to fall for You.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, Explicit Sexual Content Minors: GTFO; I don’t serve your kind here (hand stuff(f receiving))

Word Count: 1.3k

Previously On...: You got it on. In the woods.

A/N: Ugh, my beautiful long weekend is over. No more days off from work until Junteenth.

If you ever feel so inclined to support my work, hop on over to buy me a coffee; it's much appreciated! <3

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

“I’m gonna end up falling in love with you,” she had said to him, and Bucky could barely believe his ears. He made love to her again, under the stars, assuring her with every thrust, every kiss, every caress, that he felt the same. 

After he’d taken her apart once more, he’d grabbed his discarded shirt and dipped it into the stream. Wringing out the excess water, he brought the wet cloth back and used it to gently clean her folds. He’d made such a mess of her, but the sight of his seed oozing from her core was one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen. It was all he could do to keep himself from bending down and using his fingers to push it all back inside of her, where it belonged, where he wanted it to always belong, from now on. 

But there would be time for that, later. 

For now, he helped her dress, and using the combined lights of the flashlights on their phones, they managed to collect the rest of the picnic gear and made their way out of the clearing, hand in hand, and back to the parking lot, Major leaning against his arm and occasionally letting out a contented sigh that filled Bucky’s heart.

When they reached their cars, Bucky was surprised to see Major had arrived in a pickup truck. “Not sure what kind of car I was expecting for you, sugar,” he said with a laugh, “but a pickup wasn’t it.”

With a smile, Major lovingly patted the truck’s hood. “Yeah, wasn’t my first choice, honestly, but when I  started my business, I needed something that could transport shit to The WarZone from our suppliers. It’s grown on me, though. Speaking of,” she added, her face falling a little, “I should probably head home; it’s already nine o’clock, and I have to work tomorrow.”

Bucky felt his heart sink. The last thing he wanted to do was say goodnight to her. “Spend the night at the Compound with me,” he offered again, bringing his hands to her waist. “It’s closer than your place, and I don’t want to say goodbye to you just yet.” He brushed a strand of hair away from her face and offered his most pleading puppy dog look. “I can bring you back to your truck in the morning.”

Major sighed in feigned reluctance. “I suppose I could be a little late tomorrow,” she admitted. “I think my boss will understand. I happen to know for a fact that she’s quite fond of your dick, so she might make an exception if I tell her I was out late riding it all night.”

Bucky laughed and pulled her to his chest. God, he loved the feeling of her as she wrapped her arms around him, the way she seemed to fit perfectly into the dips and curves of his body. 

“To hell with it,” he heard her mumble into his chest. “I’m gonna take the day off tomorrow.” 

Bucky pulled back and looked down at her, trying hard to stifle the grin that was threatening to spread across his face. “Are you sure, sugar?” he asked her. “I don’t want you putting your business in any kind of jeopardy because I’m trying to be a bad influence.”

Major shook her head and smiled at him. “Honestly, things over there run so smoothly now, I don’t need to be as involved as I am. I just like keeping an eye on things because, well, the business is my baby, you know?” Bucky nodded, he did understand; she’d devoted so much of her life to making it a success. “So, I can afford to take a day off here and there to spend time with you,” she said. 

Bucky grinned and pulled her in for a kiss. “Since you’re playing hooky and don’t need to worry about being home early,” he said, “how ‘bout we finally eat dinner? You’ve got to be starving.”

Major let out a low groan. “God, yes, please. Don’t get me wrong, I fully enjoyed our alternative activities, but damn, boy– you had me working up an appetite.”

“Gimme one minute,” Bucky said. He hauled the picnic basket into the back of Major’s truck and spread the blankets along the bed. He grasped Major by the hips and gently lifted her over the tailgate before hopping in, himself. He propped up some pillows against the back of the cab, and sat down against them, spreading his legs and motioning for Major to sit between them, with her back to his bare chest. He then rummaged through the basket and retrieved their forgotten sub sandwiches and lemonades. 

While they ate, Bucky pointed out constellations to Major, telling her the stories behind the figures in the night sky. He loved how much more could be seen out here than back in the city. He’d always loved space, and Major listened to him with rapt attention, asking thoughtful and poignant questions, letting him know that she was both paying close attention to everything he said, and that she admired his interest. 

“You’d make an excellent astronomer,” Major commented, after Bucky had pointed out the tiny dot that was Neptune, far off in the unfathomable distance.

“When I was a kid, that’s what I wanted to be when I grew up,” he confessed with a nostalgic smile. He’d never told anyone that before– not even Stevie. When you were a kid from Brooklyn, growing up during what would become known as The Great Depression, the idea of making a career out of looking at stars seemed so fanciful as to be almost insulting. Bucky had known there was no future in the cosmos for him, only a life of hard, manual labor, doing what he needed to do to put food on the table for his family.

Only, that never even came to fruition, either. One measly letter from Uncle Sam had ripped away all his dreams, and his reality.

“Well, it’s never too late for a career change,” Major said, her tone only half teasing. “I mean, you’re only in your early hundreds. You’ve got time.”

And now, here was Major, simultaneously both reality and dream, and when she said he could be an astronomer, she had Bucky believing it.

Once their food was finished, though, Bucky couldn’t resist sliding a hand down the waistband of Major’s jean shorts, seeking out the warmth and wetness of her folds.

“Bucky!” Major sucked in a breath as she arched her back into his chest. “Fuck!” He slid two of his flesh fingers inside of her, working them in and out at a leisurely pace with one hand, while his vibranium hand pointed out the stars of one of the smallest constellations, Delphinius.

“That’s the Dolphin,” Bucky told her as she grasped onto his forearm to support herself. “The stars aren’t very bright, but the myth is that Poseidon– doll, how can you pay attention if you keep squirming like that?” He knew she couldn’t see him, so he had no need to hide the mischievous smirk that covered his face.

“Bucky,” Major whined, and god, how Bucky loved the sound of it. He brought his lips to the crux of her neck and shoulder.

“I’m trying to teach you about the stars, doll, and your mind’s completely elsewhere,” he teased. He brought his vibranium arm down to join his flesh hand, and used it to work her clit, until Major was a crying, shaking mess in his arms.

“I’ve got you, sweet girl,” he assured her as she came down from her high. He made sure to hold her close to him, loving how her whole body shook with the aftershocks of her pleasure. Pleasure that he had coaxed from her. 

“You are a bad boy, Bucky Barnes,” Major said with a laugh once she’d found her voice again. “And you definitely do not play fair.”

“If you think I’m bad now,” he offered with a grin as he kissed the top of her head, “just wait until you see how bad I’m going to be when I get you back to the Compound.”

<- Previous Part / Next Part ->

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky x female reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #james bucky buchanan barnes #james buchanan barnes #mcu bucky barnes #james barnes

[hacked-by-jake]

I thought about a little some some. Even though I doubt it myself a bit.

So, some people criticised that Moonvale feels less real than Duskwood did. (I don't mean like with the mini games etc.)

But in general the feeling. Also with the AI art and stuff. And I don't want to excuse the AI art, of course not)

Here my thought.

Maybe that wasn't "bad" work but somehow a way to protect younger fans. If you follow Everbyte on Instagram and you check the comments from time to time, you will also find very young people. Which is not the problem. The problem is, that many of them are not able to differentiate between between game and reality. Many younger fans seem not to understand that Duskwood is only a game.

Doesn't really sound like a huge thing now but it is. I saw comments so out of reality, it was really scary. And it's also very dangerous.

Of course they were commenting on Instagram so it should be clear it's just a game, but some of them do not really understand. And even if they do, they're attached to the characters in a way that is very unhealthy. And I say this as someone who's dealing with that behaviour myself. But I can confidently say that I can keep it apart and I know that Jake is not a real person.

But some people can't. And I do believe that Duskwood felt absolutely real. It is hard and you really tend to forget it's just a game. Especially the newer episodes make it hard. Which is usually a great thing because it means that Everbyte did a good job.

And sure, it's not Everbytes responsibility to keep an eye on younger people and to make sure it's not getting out of hand. It's a thing parents should take care of. But we were all younger and we all know that this is almost impossible. No child wants to give their phone to their parents to get it checked. So many parents don't do it. And even if, we all had secrets and were hiding things from your parents.

And I think, if you want or not, somehow you care about it as devolper etc.

And also a little story time, which is one reason why I came up with it and also a good example for that I mean.

For a long time, people always thought I'm the real Jake. And that's not a joke. I always had a disclaimer in my description, some of you might remember it. And sometimes people write to me, thinking I was the real Jake.

And one day, this happened:

I've got similar messages before. But none of them were this scary to me. I was completely shocked. And I was mad. I mean, I highly suspect this person was really young. And now imagine I would have been some weird guy saying yes. And especially, we're talking about adult characters.. Another thing.

So, this was just to show you what exactly I mean and how extremely this can be.

So maybe they made it a bit less real for younger people.

I don’t know if they even think about that. As I said, I don't really think it's like that, but it crossed my mind and I wanted to let it out.

And even if this might be absolute nonsense, that this is the reason Everbyte changed some things, it can’t hurt to point out that these young people exist. And how unhealthy that is.

#moonvale thoughts #hbj mv talks #everbyte studio

[crispgreen]

@princeheathen tagged me to List Five Topics I Can Talk About For An Hour With No Prep Time. Thank you! If you're interested in these things, even if we're not mutuals, shoot me a message. I promise I won't talk uninterrupted for an hour!

Piercings/Body Jewelry/Stretching - I have had 30ish piercings, although I don't still have all of them, and my lobes are half an inch. I have tips (how to find a safe piercer, how to find quality pieces, how to find the fancy stuff for slightly less crazy prices), stories, and many opinions.

Model Kits - This is one of my oldest hobbies. I fall in and out of it every few years, but I am currently getting back in! I mostly build megami device but I also have an FAGirl, a couple of SST and a bunch of desktop army stuff (do they count as models? some of them have a decent amount of build), and I've built a bunch of gunpla I no longer have. I don't have any friends who are really into this hobby so I'd be excited to make some and chat about which kits we like and share tips and photos and stuff.

Moving - I've moved across the country three times and had many, many shorter moves. Packing tips? Comparison of driving across the country in 32 hours vs 8 days? How to find affordable furniture quickly? I could also just talk about my very recent move from NYC to the West Coast. I also think talking to other people who've lived in a lot of different places would be fun, comparing where we've been and what we like and don't like about places.

My D&D Setting and Campaigns - I've been running games in the setting for over four years now, so there's a lot of it! I would love to hear about others' games as well.

Interstitial Cystitis - ngl, this one is probably only interesting if you or a loved one have it, but I've been living with IC for 12 years and I have many thoughts and recipes.

Tagging @solarswitchback @buttered-beurre @primalwarden and @opheliasongs , if y'all feel like doing this. No pressure!

#Honorable mention goes to my cats but I feel like everyone can talk about their pets a lot #they're in my apartment doing stuff all the time #I'm petting Ruby rn

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz #ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and #then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc. #Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific #cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or #etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as #you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on #accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have #as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence #of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate #versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a #neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest #ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling #and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for #documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like #sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I #can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If #I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my #ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ?? #Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be #accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor #focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it #were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan #that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is #some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my #kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means #i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m #in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in #one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability #& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER

[cloud-somersault]

idk man, the epilogue is like this really deep...exploration of interpersonal connections and wants and desires interlaced with the complexity of circumstance and consequence and regret and guilt. and I started it as a like "haha, this is what I want! I want two monkeys being gay, haha!"

but it's so. fucking tragic, actually.

just in chapter 1, we see how defeated Macaque is, how lost he is. how he hesitates and flip flops constantly. how he says or thinks something with certainty, but then goes back on that. he tries so hard to commit to one path, but he truly is fluctuating and has no clue what to do

and wukong is just...certain of himself. he's certain of his wants and desires now after Constellations. He wants to maintain connections and put in the effort no matter what. and that..juxtaposition of them...is just so raw and hurtful in chapter 1 because we see that wukong notices that in Macaque because he knows him better than anyone.

And Macaque admits he's a little lost. he doesn't know what he wants. but he keeps walking. he wants to make his own choices. he wants to think for himself. he wants to see the truth for himself.

and as the days go by, as the weeks and months pass...as they grow and change, it's just sad. because it's not

the epilogue is not this "will they? won't they?" shadowpeach thing.

look at them as individuals. that's why i finally decided to change the perspective. because we needed to see macaque's thoughts. I've shown you wukong's; please give macaque that same level of attention.

when people write romance or relationships, they often misstep when it comes to the characters that are in the relationship. in order for that relationship to be believable and relatable and enjoyed by the audience, you have to develop the characters independently and together.

we cannot have shadowpeach until we know, with certainty, who macaque and wukong are.

#constellations fic #constellations spoilers #i know it's stupid for me to ask people to read stuff a certain way #partly bc they're never going to do that and also #that goes against sharing artwork as a whole. the different interpretations are key to that but i just #i just want people to understand what i'm doing here #and i feel like a lot of my intent is lost #like i don't know how else to emphasize how...the interpersonal aspect of these two characters is what interests me #like hell yeah i want them to kiss and bone but like #their conversations. how close they are. how far apart they are... #i love all those things too #and idk. i want others to fall in love with them to #because that means no matter what AU i write with wukong and macaque #you'll understand that you're gonna have a good time #because if nothing else? i know who these two fucking characters are #and as a result. the shadowpeach i write is going to be messy and broken and terrible #but you shouldn't be surprised. i've shown you that from the start

[medicinemane]

"DIY tiny home you can build in weeks", ok... now lets see the cost

...seven and a half minutes later, the answer is $75k... so when you include land and all the rest of it, so basically nothing right?

This is my problem with tiny homes stuff, it's for rich people

#and as much as I'm pro home ownership since like... my house is pretty much what's made my life feasible #like I know two things for a fact; we don't have room to give every last person a house #(especially if they're basically one bedroom sized things dotting the land) #and not everyone even wants to own a home #but like... lets say that everyone did want to own a place... we can't even do single family stuff let alone infinite tiny homes #so you'd need to have at least some homes in the form of basically owned units in an apartment complex which... sounds like condos #and so... I legit don't even come close to having the answer for this #but the sad thing is... a commie block kind of beats a tiny home if we're honest I think #not even in some like... brutalist dystopian shoving people together kind of way #like I think I'd rather live in a well maintained commie block style apartment than in one of infinite tiny homes doting the land #I really really really like tiny homes as a concept... but every time you look at them you realize... it's all for rich people #and half of them are just gentrified trailers or closet sized apartments getting dressed up by an architect to up the price #like I'm not even trying to shit on this company cause like I'm for assembly line style home production #especially compared to the cheap shit we throw up now; it makes me with I could puke in anger and disgust at it #they showed clips to contrast with of a home being tossed up and the shit materials they use disgust me #seeing massive... whatever you call those new home blights... communities I guess; springing up they always look like they're made of trash #so yeah... I like this building style better than shitty single family homes 'from the low 300s' #but I think that these people are either doing a sales pitch; missing the big picture; or both when they talk about this #like this can't fix the housing crisis cause... one no one can afford shit even if it's... lets say $175k; that's a lot to ask most people #but two is it won't work long term to just dot a million little houses across the land #cause quite apart from finding all that land; think of all the electric grid and water infrastructure you have to lay #(or are these people expected to be able to afford solar and all that? cause... they ain't poor if they're doing that) #(and I'd kind of like poor people to not be screwed by the housing problems we have; the rich can get bent honestly) #I like living on my own in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere; I wouldn't want someone right next to me #so I'm literally the kind of person people bitching about rural folks is bitching about; so know that's not what I'm saying #but let's be honest... we need better and cheaper urban infrastructure and we need less suburbs and housing communities #and that's where the solution is gonna lie; not in reinventing the single family home (or smaller) #eh... I really really really like tiny homes and think they're neat... but I can't help but see they're rich people play things #...and that's my thoughts on this #it's kind of like how solar is nice and all... but just a few good nuclear plants would be a better solution than solar on every roof

[carbonateddelusion]

the pile of writings I will probably never show anyone aside from Ben is slowly growing

#not all of it is even bad or anything it's just embarrassing #someone told me i was good at writing several years ago but all i hear nowadays is my sibling talking about how writing is 'their' thing #and that since they do it professionally they're much more talented #rox rumblings #me things #i struggle with like.. symbolism. themes. that kind of thing. dialogue. i struggle when sewing background details for later into things #so it makes me think 'hm maybe writing isn't for me' bc i can't do all the fancy stuff that supposedly makes one a good author #i have a hard time picking things apart yk? i did well in english lit class and all but i was actively forcing myself to do it #being able to find things like motifs and callbacks does not come naturally to me and it's frustrating tbh bc it's hard to feel like you're #alloeed to have an opinion when you don't have the mental wherewithal to thoroughly dissect a piece of media

[v-iv-rusty]

I am going to bake so much shit this week

#misc.txt #for context I'm house sitting for a friend for 2ish weeks and they're letting me stay in the two room guest house they have #WHICH MEANS I can cook and bake and do whatever without being harassed every time I step into the kitchen :) #I just need to go shopping tomorrow #ok but for real this is. so nice?? #I brought my pc #+ my drawing tablet and stuff #it's.....so quiet here?? there's no yelling?? I don't feel tense for the first time in years?? #I feel.....ok. when I'm out of the house and away from the main sources of my stress. my anxiety overall is just so much less intense #and it hasn't even been a full day away yet. it's just. so quiet. #and I can actually cook fuck yeah!! I need to find some good recipies to make so I'm not eating out for 2 weeks bc that's expensive #I'm going to make baklava and possibly a pie but neither of those are meals so. you know what though I do have a soup I want to try making #but like I can!! and nobody's going to get pissed at me for....breathing wrong!! or taking up space!! #I kind of feel like I don't even know what to do with myself when I don't have to constantly force myself to act a certain way #my friend is going to have a Lot of pastries and things waiting for them when they get back. after I go shopping tomorrow. #literally it feels so nice to just be able to........exist #now if I could just find an apartment that isn't $500000 a month rent I could have this all the time

[senadimell]

I don’t know what it is about the particular circle of Harry Potter people that I’m in on tumblr, but it’s fun to be in, not because I particularly care about Harry Potter above other fandoms, but because people actually have conversations in post.

Like, it’s not actually the source material that's particularly special above other kinds of media, but the community itself is really fun to participate in? The people I’ve seen involved are unusually reciprocal? (that might just be my very limited fandom experience, but I get almost no interaction when I post analytical Doctor Who stuff, whereas my meta gets reblogged and critiqued and it’s fun).

IDK, I guess I just lucked into acquiring connections to a bunch of blogs and bloggers that enjoy analysis and meta and are comfortable publicly interacting? That hasn’t happened much anywhere else.

#to be honest it's specifically the fact that i enjoy meta over fic writing #fic writing is uniquely hard but blathering on and picking something to death is easy #i can do it for hours #no headphones or music or astral alighnment needed #like bam #can hyperfocus at the drop of a pin #for hours #any time #and the fact that people actually respond to my meta? even to disagree politely? it is just so fun #because i cannot analyze things with almost anyone in public #i just bore them #and most people online just go "this is cool* and don't talk to me back #like lotr is cool but i've never had the fandom bent there apart from enjoying pretty pictures and the occasional analysis #(and most tumblr stuff seems to be silm based) #and i would go feral if i had a group of people who liked the era of doctor who that i liked. would probably lose my mind #but in the most loving of ways i have to say...they're all incorrigible shippers and i can't take it for very long #had to stop following someone because it was a case of *okay we clearly like the same characters but for very different reasons*

[noxtivagus]

I WNA WRITE AAAAA

#🌙.rambles #cheesy romantic stories !!!!!! #BUT THE THING IS #i constantly deny n hide that kinda stuff #it's too embarrassing T_T but maybe i'm a bit of a tsun abt it #normally i'd just be shameless as i've always been ( esp as a kid ) #BUT. I DON'T WANT ANY OF IRLS TO SEE #i use this @ on a lot of places n several irls do know my tumblr user 😭😭 #i will never ever want this to be even perceived by reality in any way whatsoever #but i've always just been a dreamer like this TvT #maybe hiding it is what's been tearing me apart. even if i'm cringe then i want to at least be myself and free. #it's just rlly embarrassing. i can't rlly accept n write it properly bcs #the cut between reality/fiction for me is very defined. i'd hate if there'd be an intruder that's mess things up for /me/ #n then for my original stories i have a lot of feelings and thoughts in my head but they're not really coherent n IDK HOW TO WRITE #little scenarios. i can't make sense of specific words but. THE EMOTION IN THEM. I FEEL IT BUT I CAN'T WRITE #it's like smth you think of right when you wake up (before consciousness returns properly) & #right before you sleep and dream of smth. that kind of clouded feel #a song with just melody but it has traces of lyrics you know but can't remember. #a worn out book you've somehow had all your life ( your mind your thoughts ) with the words slowly fading away in time #the stars fading away as night turns into day. but they're still there #i want to be myself i want to love myself properly and accept myself #it hurts when your own thoughts contradict each other and you're not even sure what it means to be yourself #but the answers are all in me. i still believe in myself. i'm proud of what i have achieved. that will never change #alphinaud kin !!! he's my baby boy for a reason #but urgh i rlly just want to do wtvr i want but i'm afraid of how it might affect others. #what if i unintentionally manage to hurt someone or make them anxious? T_T so then i want to hide #it's a cycle bcs i want and can do what's best for myself but anxiety gets in the way. i don't want to be a burden. #n then there's really just a mental block in my head regarding productivity efficiency n my ambitions. n my sleep sches is also fucked up #i don't 'want' others to be involved w stuff abt me. the songs i listen to. the words i write #or perhaps i'm still afraid of the vulnerability that comes with it. that level of honesty and transparency and authenticity is v idealistic

[knaveofmogadore]

Hang..

#ran out of tags on the other post but I've got so manynof these #was best friends with a pair of roommates who became so intensely codependent that they both had breakdowns when the other studied abroad #a guy who had siblings regularly terrorized my friend who also had siblings with the corpse of a roachnfor over a year (roommates) #ive known ONE situation where the only chold terrorized an apartment of sibling people. but that's because they were all poc and she was #insanely racist. like so racist that MY little pale jewish ass got weird vibes from her on first contact #learned some good lessons from roommates but none of them are things I'd be able to explain to a kid #except maybe 'if you get the feeling someone's mad at you all the time but won't tell you for some reason just move out' #oh! my friend had a partner who was a terror of a roommate. as in she psychologically terrorized my friend and their roommates #once listened in on a convo that went 'i shouldnt have to warn people I'm walking into an apartment I PAY FOR just because they want a date #oh also @ my niblings sometimes situations are unwinable before you even get there. sometimes people just make up their minds about you #and you just gotta deal with the consequences of that decision. if you're in an unwinnable social situation just hit the bricks #you can't fix something that isn't functionally broken and it puts you in situations where every choice is wrong #living with people who grew up with fucked up sibling relationships created a lot of '0 good dialogue options' situations #cant leave the living room because then they asked for something and got it and that's shameful. can't sit in the living room. they want it. #again i could have been a way better roommate. for a multitude of reasons some under my control some not. but lord in heaven #but having siblings does NOT socialize you to live with other adults i hate that myth every situation I've lived in has proved it wrong #NONE OF US had any clue how to live with people who weren't our relatives #and this will happen to you. you will move out and realize the extent of your habits cause most people's parents just tolerate stuff #or your parents just got used to things that would drive other adults insane and they don't notice the things you do cause they're your kid #(or they might have even taught you those habits/level of cleanliness themselves) #one dude at the boarding house got mad about being asked to have basic responsibility for his room. so he left it covered in trash #and when they went to clean it it was covered in a fine layer of mold on almost every surface. genuine biohazard scene #got hit with 'youre the only person i don't regret letting into my house' from the woman we paid rent to when i moved out #and I'm like gee the bar is in hell 😭

[madesofgold]

Don't you wanna live far away from your family and their expectations sometimes and just start a new life?

#i feel so suffocated by my mother #she always gets herself involved in my business and crosses boundaries bc she just can't help herself #and she gets to do it bc i'm home most of the time even tho i have my own apartment but that's also not far away enough #and she still doesn't understand no and how to let me live my own life and she doesn't have to do everything for me #and everyone else i also want to please but i'm also sick of it and even tho they all mean well and they all just want things to go well #i feel so pressured by it and i just wanna get away from them all #but no wonder they all feel so invested in my life bc we're close and i spend a lot of time with my mum and grandparents and 'step dad' #and that's nice and i'm glad we're close and i wanna be but at the same time it means they sometimes just care too much #i guess i shouldn't complain about that like it's a bad thing but it just feels suffocating sometimes #and i don't want to live my life so that they're not disappointed in me and worry about me and so they're satisfied #i've been having the wish to move to another city or country for a while now and i honestly think it would be good for me #and especially me and my mama so that she cannot always get involved and has to accept that she can't control all things #and always try to 'help me'. i'm almost 25 like i need to learn how to live without my mother always being there #and god the urge to move somewhere else is so strong right now #i wish it was that easy to just be able to do it but i'm also anxious and scared and nothing is certain in my life rn #i just want a change though #sorry tumblr i had to let it out somewhere and i don't have therapy right now where i can actually talk about stuff #which maybe i should think about doing again #rambles

[einaudis]

.

#I'm going to say this and I know it's going to sound dramatic and intense and as if I were in the middle of a crisis #but I'm not; I'm actually okay; just thinking about stuff as usual #thing is... thinking about stuff made me realize that I'm going to die without getting the chance to actually TALK to someone about #so many things I want to talk about #and I don't mean venting no because I know I can do that as long as I have access to the internet and a keyboard #my point is talking ACTUALLY talking #having a conversation with someone and getting to say all the things I've kept to myself all these years #to actually SAY those things to use my voice #I won't get the chance to hug someone or getting hugged or cry or laugh at how surreal all these things have been #I don't know I try not to think about that that much but I won't lie and say I don't crave touch #because I do; so much #but I mean I hate my mom and she hates me back; there's no way in hell I'm talking to her #my dad whom I love I just won't bother with this stuff #apart from that I only love two of my cousins and they live so far away and whenever I tell them something they consider 'worrying' #I have to talk about something else because they... well... worry and I don't want to deal with that #then almost all the friends I had left the country and the ones who're still here... they're cool but I don't really trust them #and they don't trust me an that's okay #I don't know #I just crave a good conversation and knowing that there's no one around to actually have it kind of kills me ngl #but then again I'm okay nothing's happening I just spend too much time in my head that's all #random #personal #my shitty English #i can't afford therapy so tumblr tags it is

[atlantis-distillery]

Anyone who's saying "they remain silent during all this" with the watcher stuff have never been in a situation where everything is crumbling around you and there's intense pressure from some public audience. You are in flight or fight, you are panicking, and trying to figure out what to do. (Whether you're in the right or wrong). They're definitely planning next steps, and I don't think it's wrong to take time to do that vs addressing the situation fueled with emotions.

If you were them in this situation (remember , these are real people, not characters) you'd also be a mess. Not defending the choices they're making or anything, but after I went through something where there was pressure from the public and a group of people and I felt like my life was falling apart, I get it. It's hard. People fuck up, it happens, but I see some of y'all equating this to the try guys situation or Colleen ballinger and it's so not on that level

#watcher entertainment #watcher #ryan and shane #buzzfeed unsolved #ryan bergara #shane madej #steven lim

[alllgator-blood]

I call this one "found family but it goes horribly wrong in an irreparable way" :)

I've been doing a lot of cotl comics but I kinda lost my comic making endurance after not working on art since last september, so I made this to help me flex my art muscles. Apologies for the watermarks lmao they kinda kill the mood but I've already had people repost my art when I put it on reddit so...might as well get the credit if my stuff is gonna be reposted regardless. RAMBLE INCOMING!!

Thinking about how shamura was most likely the one to find + raise their adopted siblings and help them survive the mass deicide that happened thousands of years before....OUUGH. I have so many ideas for comics that take place when half the bishops were still lil kids. I have one in progress right now actually. But it just hurts when I remember how it all ends- they loved their family for so long and yet they credit their love as what caused it to fall apart!!! The lore of the bishops only sunk in when I was dealing with my own heavy sibling angst, and I was like wow....shamura supported the sibs so much they accidentally encouraged their brother into being a heretic, and couldn't close pandora's box in time to save him or the rest of the family. They blame themself for the past 1,000 years and seem to be totally okay with dying for what they did?? Like when they get sent to the shadow realm they tell you to "finish the job" instead of leaving them in purgatory. And despite being the bishop of war, they are the only bishop to not have a "desperate" phase where their attacks get more brutal. They're not desperate, they just want to get it over with. All their other siblings are dead by then anyway so it's not like they have anything to stick around for, even if they were healthy enough to win the battle. Plus I mean...narinder is the bishop of death so they probably just want to see him one last time. Owch

Don't get me wrong I love to hate narinder and his only role in my cult is the guy who cleans the outhouse, but I really like his dynamic with shamura vs. the other siblings. I kinda see him as the troubled kid that couldn't assimilate into the family and shamura took it upon themself to try and fix him. It's interesting thinking about how they're the only one he shows remorse for despite feeling the most betrayed by them. I don't think he 100% hates them, he's just been locked in gay baby jail for so long he's had nothing better to think about than "my sibling encouraged me to experiment with my godly duties, and then punished me for it!!". He's not wrong? But also is shamura that wrong either??? Idk it's complicated with no real answer and I like it a lot, I wish the game told us more about what the bishops were like before they got their shit rocked during the schism. I would've loved to see shamura before their brain was turned to mush by their tbi + 1,000 years of suffocating grief and crushing guilt :)

ANYWAY thanks for making it to the bottom of this rant, here is a sketch I did a while ago of shamura + baby leshy from a prequel au thing I don't have a name for yet:

#cult of the lamb #comic #cotl #cotl bishops #shamura #kallamar #narinder #the one who waits #heket #leshy

[eggmeralda]

I hate uni so much atm

#i spoke to more people in first year during lockdown more than i do now #bc the way they've done the course is so we have the last few months with no other assignments so we can focus on our dissertations #which is good i guess? but also i now never get to see anyone on my course #my course didn't even have any gigs this year bc ''they wanted to focus more on the production side'' except they didn't even do that #they just got rid of the performance side?? #and rehearsals were usually where I'd get to talk to people. and then the assessed gig I'd get to see everyone bc they'd all be there #but this year they're just not doing it #so i only ever see the people I'm in bands with already (but like once a week) #and the people i live with. and i barely get to see them either #one's the year below me so i don't see her often and also she works a lot. yet she's probably the one i talk to most #another one idk where he is all the time he's always out somewhere. but at least i get to talk to him sometimes #and the other guy who was like my best friend last year i never get to talk to anymore bc he's still incapable of being apart from his gf #so i only ever get to talk to him on his own on the way home from rehearsals bc at least we're in a band together. but that's once a week #last year if i wanted to tell him something i could just go in the kitchen and just open cupboards and stuff and he'd hear #and come out his room and we'd have a full conversation #or bc he had to walk past my room on the way to the toilet he'd always come in and we'd talk for so long #but now he just lives with his girlfriend with the door shut and idek #also I've mentioned it countless times that i don't get to see him anymore and he seems to feel the same way? and says he wants to stay #friends and hang out more but i think in his head that means with his girlfriend also there #bc i guess he can't picture a situation without her being there like he's literally just an extension of her at this point #i feel like i don't even know him anymore and yeah #if we weren't living together i literally wouldn't care like. there's people i was really close with last year but don't see as much now #but it's fine bc i guess the reason is bc we're both busy or there just aren't moments when we'd see each other regularly #so i can accept that #but when the person lives in the room directly next to mine it's so much worse bc like #i could talk to him but i know i can't bc i don't wanna waste his time or keep him from being with his girlfriend #idek #anyway 3rd year is the worst year by far. 1st year was A Lot it was unhinged it was a fever dream but I have some nice memories? #2nd year was amazing i have so many good memories. 3rd year has like one good memory. anyway I'm reaching tag limit so #ramble