#theres nothing in me but sickness and i cant take it anymore

[piplupod]

my sister has taken to calling really fucking normal ass opinions "radically liberal" and i am so so so tired. so unbelievably tired. i thought university was supposed to turn u into a leftist, not just give you more language to shit on leftist politics. what the fuck.

#like. ''police hurt people sometimes'' or ''addicts are people too'' or ''homeless people should be given shelter somewhere'' #i think those are fairly normal baseline opinions to have. and yet!!! #idk man i think i am going to do something very bad to myself soon. im so fucking tired. i cannot keep this up for much longer #literally i am getting physically ill these past two weeks. like i took a covid test today bc i thought maybe i somehow caught covid again #but no its just. stress. and everything. im having dizzy spells where i cant hold myself upright and almost pass out ??? #i am nauseous and shaky 90% of the day??? its not hunger related either (although the nausea gets worse after eating lmfao) #like i just. i cant do this. unfortunately im the fastest crocheter in the system so nobody else can take over #which puts me in uhhhh. well. a lot of danger if im honest. i dont do well w this month ever. #usually have lots of huge memory gaps and occasional blackouts. so im not feeling well from having to be front constantly this year #i just. idk. idk! theres nothing to be done for any of it and i just have to hope I survive it i fucking guess #really being pushed past my limits though. i can count on one hand the amount of times stress has made me physically sick. #this is scary honestly. call me scooby the way i cant fucking doo this anymore!!!!!! #suicide mention #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[starbitzi]

Oh ok yeah it checks out that on the one day I felt the most normal that I can feel myself approaching another panic attack

#i just want to go back to fucking normal so bad #and i cant get help for another week so. im just. stuck like this #i dont know what to do i cant just keep bothering my friends #not when ive been having these horrible episodes of intense dread that have been lasting for hours #it has been the only thing plaguing me its the only thing i talk about #i just feel so alone theres nobody that can help me #i just have these horrible thoughts go through my head and i end up either having a panic attack or emotional breakdown #i just want to be fucking diagnosed and be done with it #i cant take this anymore #everyone at work and home are sick of me #ive had to leave work early on accounts of panic attacks #and at home i do nothing but hole myself up in my room and feel this deep sense of dread paralyse me #im just. so. so scared all of the time #tw // vent

[chaelinsbitch]

.

#idk why this happens every time lmao i can never sleep the night before i have to work in the office cuz im so stressed out #and like sometimes i get nauseous and the dread keeps messing w me dndbdnf #theres nothing particularly Bad abt being there in general like its not like. i even work at a toxic workplace or anything #but yet going in just like. idk can i say i have severe social anxiety and get a medical exemption to work from home djdndnf #ive worked regular jobs before where u clock in and stuff and ive been fine. this happens to me exclusively when i work in offices. #and especially now that its hybrid. like. idk. i hate it it takes so much out of me and idek why #but i cant call in sick anymore ive been doing that for weeks dkdnfnfn

[raisinchallah]

i must say conversations about covid these days are kind of um fucking insane that the people who take it seriously these days i think also are pretty rarely people with in person jobs especially like jobs that involve large scale interactions with the public and idk i think people seem to lack compassion on nearly every side of this or like understandings of the realities of peoples lives you know like idk if there is data on like the effectiveness of being the only masked person in a large heavily peopled environment idk like i cant really judge my former coworkers for not masking for going out drinking etc after work like ur job already is such a high risk situation and like when u work in a restaurant literally zero customers will be masking like i got sick constantly working as a cashier and masking but like i had to eat there was nowhere to eat but the communal break room like literally u gotta eat u gotta drink there are basic human needs and like going to a bar after work ur probably interacting with fewer people than u have to at your job like i dont feel like i can say to someone they should cut their entire life down to a shitty high risk job that ruins your body you know like thats insane but like also it then seems to be like ok well then do nothing just live your life ur insane if you think things should improve or idk like and that all this shit just turns your life so tiny people dont really want to talk to you if you wear a mask ur nothing to anyone you know and its just depressing there are so few places spaces whatever designed for masking these days theres literally so many events activities that could be made safer if anyone fucking cared but it does drive me insane i think that it feels like slowly and slowly the only people who seem to want to talk about covid safety are people who have taken such an extreme stance its like if ur not just as isolated as we are ur evil and like extreme judgement for people who get multiple covid infections as if even the most covid conscious people these days arent forced to live with people who dont really take it seriously anymore like simply denying average reality and not really understanding that like shame based public health measures simply do not work and we cannot ascribe value or moral judgements to health but then also people who argue with their sides i think totally deny the reality of like the misery and loneliness of being so isolated and treat people like theyre insane you know.. its just god whats going on i wish we could figure out what to do with ourselves...

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 @sansonlygf

#ateez angst #ateez imagines #choi san angst #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez scenarios #choi san #choi san fluff #san angst #gang au #ateez smut #choi san smut

[beetlebug-bii]

Heya, first of all im sorry for that terrible joke i made in the comment section xD

I'd like to request a Solomon x Reader

I'm a sucker for him and can't find good ffs or more like not much of him TT

Scenario:

Song to listen to if you want too

( hammock - then the quiet explosion)

So I've been thinking of a scenario where MC is kind of annoyed from the brothers always near them and clinging on them, so that they have no privacy.

Solomon ( who has a crush on them) sees that the reader is exhausted and takes her to a quiet place to rest with him ( the rest is your imagination)

I loved the joke so much lmaooo

Alright this is my first one in a long while so please cut me some slack! I did my very best so I hope you like it! O7

How To Cure Depression (Solomon x GN!Reader)

You

Cannot 

Be

Serious

This is the third time this week

THE THIRD TIME THAT YOU HAVE WALKED INTO YOUR OWN ROOM TO HAVE IT BE IN SHAMBLES 

IT IS TUESDAY!?!?

HOW IN THE WORLD

IN A HOUSE THIS BIG

IS YOUR ROOM ALWAYS THE CENTER OF ATTENTION 

OH THATS RIGHT

BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO LIVES HERE BREAKS IN

AND THEY START FIGHTS WHEN SOMEONE ELSE DOES THE SAME THING

You just

Cant

Take it anymore

Lucifer is always critiquing your organization and how clean the room is

Mammon is always stealing your stuff

Levi and Satan are judging your interests all. the. time.

Asmo steals your clothes for selfies

Beel gets food on the floor

and Belphie messes up your bed at least six times a day

Why do they always have to do this

They have their own rooms

Why cant you?

you are so sick of cleaning up after their mess

so tired of always having to mediate fights

and that's why you're here you suppose

You couldn't even handle being in the house to listen to their excuses anymore

So you came here

The courtyard of the Royal Academy of Diavolo

It's the only place you can even feel like you can breathe right now, and even now you're struggling to keep the tears in

You close your eyes and take a breath, your head resting on your knees

Theres a nice breeze today…

It smells like flowers almost…

You can feel the sun shining on your skin too…its so warm…you missed that feeling…

Wait a second

aren't you underground right now?

Why is there a breeze??? Even if there was a breeze, why does it smell like flowers?? 

And there definitely shouldn't be a sunlight feeling??

Finally taking a moment to look up, you lock eyes with the one and only shady wizard 

You almost want to sigh

There goes peace…goodbye peace…you will be missed…

But the way he's looking at you is…different

He's missing his signature smirk that always seems to be plastered on his face

Instead it's been replaced with something slightly softer…kind…

"Hey" he took a few steps forward

Leaning down next to you, and wiping a teardrop from your cheek

"...hey…" you said back, still unsure

Solomon sits beside you, leaning against the large stone wall hiding you from the rest of the world

"What happened?"

And with that

You broke

You cried on and on and on

Sobbing about how overwhelmed you were, how nothing you did was good enough, how exhausted you were all the time

You really hadn't meant to

But by the end you were just a bundle of tears

You were expecting a comment on how small your problems were

or maybe even a laugh because what did you expect? They ARE demons after all…

What you weren't expecting

Was Solomon gently taking your hand

And whispering a slight follow me

Gently he led you deeper within the courtyard, getting ever so slightly lost between the hedges

"Close your eyes" he said, with a slight smirk

and in that moment you werent sure if you should trust him

On one hand, he has yet to bully you

On the other, you might commit homicide if he starts now

You sigh and close your eyes

After a few moments of absolutely nothing happening you open them

And poof the wizard is gone

Are

You

Serious

He led you into what is basically a hedgemaze and then left!?

You huff, more annoyed now than you were before

You could go commit arson

You could ask diavolo so politely

He would probably say yes ri-

AAAAAAAA

you let out a short scream as a hand shoots out from within one of the hedges

You can hear Solomon laugh slightly from inside 

oh you motherfu-

The hand grabs you and pulls you in

After being yanked through the bushes, you find yourself in a small cove…

Flowers filled the ground, and the grass was so soft….and there was sunlight- how?

"Where…" you whispered, still a bit awestruck 

A place like this definitely shouldn't exist in the devildom…

"This is a little piece of home" Solomon explained, while taking a seat on the soft ground, "I made it with an illusion spell of sorts…I come here when things get difficult" 

You gently sat next to Solomon 

Taking it all in

Who knew the shady wizard had a soft side…

Solomon pulled your head down to his lap, one hand gently running through your hair while the other pulled out a book

He softly began to read

"I don't trust stairs…they are always up to something"

…huh

"Where do ghosts become pilots?...fright school"

…no

"Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby"

…you were going to kill him

…but maybe later

You laughed and gently swatted Solomon's book of "1000 dad jokes to cheer up people with depression"

How sweet of him

Solomon laughed and poked at your cheeks

you really were beautiful when you smiled

Not that he could say that of course

…not yet

He wanted to savor this moment by your side for just a bit longer

Just the two of you

Safe in your little bubble

Away from the rest of the world

Solomon gently pet your hair until you fell asleep

Watching with a gentle smile

Before placing a small kiss on your forehead

He would give the brothers a piece of his mind later

#obey me #obey me scenarios #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me solomon

[offsidekineticist]

△ Theo (bleachling specifically), if you could have 5 minutes of time to speak to your brother again without any other distractions or interference and he HAD to listen. What would you say to him?

Under a cut because this is like 11/10 so CW: panic attack and self-harm (intentionally aggravating an old injury as a response to anxiety)

He freezes. His expression, previously warm, goes mostly blank. Mostly, except for the ways his eyes widen and his stone gray flesh turns ashy. He opens and closes his mouth several times, and you realize he's trying to speak but nothing is coming out.

"Please...don't make me answer that," he finally chokes out, trying to hold a stoic expression but shaking nonetheless.

"You must answer. Those are the terms," the Questioner says. Theoven wraps his arms around his chest, hands tucked between his side and his arm less carefully than you would have expected, the shaking persisting.

"I...I don't think I'd be able to speak," he says, voice unsteady. "Does - does that answer the question? Please, I swear, every time I saw him - or the thing that seemed like him - in that place, I couldn't - it wouldn't - " he stops himself, and you see his shoulders bobbing up and down with every breath, each breath coming more quickly than the last. He nods in a hollow imitation of confidence. "Yes, that is my answer. I wouldn't be able to speak."

"'Without any other distractions or interference,'" the Questioner repeats. "Loss of the ability to speak would inarguably be a distraction."

"I don't want to see him!" Theoven barely gets the words out through the sob he cant hold back any longer, and now his cheeks are darkening again, and he squeezes his eyes shut trying to clear the tears. He slouches, curling in on himself, arms held so rigidly against his body that his hands must hurt terribly, and you can tell the only reason he doesnt curl up into a fetal position is theres no room for it at the table where he's seated. "I don't want to know - if he was there, I don't want to know! I don't want to hear him tell me why he - how he - I don't want to remember him like that!" His sobs are more violent now, racking his body as he struggles for breath. His breaths are sharp and loud and fast, each one sounding almost like the bark of a sick dog.

The Questioner waits.

It takes time, but slowly - painfully slowly - the sobs die down, becoming more like hiccups. They slow, coming less and less often, until he is breathing normally again.

"I would ask him to leave," Theoven finally says softly, head bowed as he stares at his lap, arms still pressing his hands painfully into his side. "I'm sorry. I know that...if he wasn't...wasn't there, there are things he deserves to hear me say but - I don't think I can say them anymore. And if he was there - " he stops. "He hated spiders. Loved chess. Every brawl I ever lost, he was there with a stern, rambling lecture and enough potions that my mentors at the library never noticed an injury. I should be allowed to remember him like that. I shouldn't have to remember - " he stops and slightly shakes his head before whispering, "I would ask him to leave."

The Questioner is satisfied.

#pathfinder wotr #pwotr pals #ask game #giliys is not happy #will probably rb later with the letter Theo wrote to Regill when Qweck was still a kid #which answers the question without Rivad coloring the answer #also part of why i dont see Theo and canon!Regill ever reconciling #even if Regill cared enough to try i don't know Theo would be able to handle that #(also why i like to imagine him in the world where Mino is KC) #(that regill is less likely to dismiss theo's trauma as weakness) #(and more inclined to see reconciling as worth attempting) #oc: theoven #thanks for the ask!

[bluiex]

Thinking about...

Mumbo gets sick, one time, really quite sick, and he recovers okay! But then his health starts going downhill. It takes him a while to notice at first, really, months, actually. First comes headaches, that he brushes off as not drinking enough water, and then aches and pains just from existing. He can't stand up or walk for more than half an hour without pain, and he can barely handwrite anymore. But he's fine! He's fine. That's what he tells himself, anyway. He's not disabled, it's not bad enough for that, it's just a little bit of pain, nothing he can't deal with. He's just overusing his arms, needs to give them a rest. He's just not exercising enough, he needs to build up more muscle. But his boyfriends notice, of course they would. Scar especially, having been through his own struggles with internalised ableism, and Cub, who was there with Scar since the start. Grian is fairly new to all this, but he can see how Mumbo is struggling. It gets steadily worse, yet Mumbo brushes off any offers to help, any offers to get it checked out. It gets to the point where Mumbo barely goes out much anymore, his legs are hurting too much. It all comes to a head one day, when him and Grian are about to out together, and Mumbo's legs give out on him. He collapses against a wall, leaning on it to try and keep himself upright.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Mumbo," Grian is worried, so worried. He carries Mumbo bridal style over to Cub's base, calling Cub and Scar, and Doc for good measure too.

(I would continue with this but i had work until midnight and have work again today in a few hours and am so tired so don't have a working brain right now lol)

Also what the fuck is going on with my tumblr mobile right now the text is formatting weirdly and i cant do anything to stop it. I press return to go to the next paragraph and theres just, a massive gap, between the paragraphs. Backspacing just goes back to the last paragraph nothing is fixing it so like, sorry in advance if that carries over.

This totally isnt projection of my own experience with disability after having long covid for over a year now /s i didnt touch on every single symptom the leg pain is just the most pain in the ass one for me LMAO

- 🎀

MUMBO PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF WAAAAH

Dude I feel- I've had a persistent cough since having covid and I've just been achy and tired a lot 😩

#bluie gets an ask poggers #long post

[dpurut]

feet vent. lmao. im serious though

ok this is actually the smallest problem i have going on rn but i swear im at a tipping point and this may be my last straw. I am about Ta Explode. Right now.

I have the flattest feet in existence plus a joint disorder so what i have are basically full rectangles for feet. Ive had my current pair of shoes for 5 years i think. Theyre split at the seams, torn apart, the soles are worn, anything you can think of those things are Busted. I need to get new shoes because I can’t walk in these anymore, it hurts like hell. But YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! we went SHOPPING. FOR SHOES. oh swell.

skechers used to be the only brand i could trust to have wide shoes. None were available. I got frustrated. Tried a few more brands. Got even more pissed off. I tried on some converse for fun but i literally started ugly crying in the store when i put them on because they look like SHOE shoes not some excuse of a shoe made of foam like all the other ones ive worn since birth. I had to take them off really fast bc they were digging into my bones. Its still bothering me.

I know there’s no such thing as a normal human body and i wouldnt change anything about who i am right now bc its whats shaped me as a person. But for once i just want some “normalcy”. To not wear the ugliest shoe. For once. This has been going on forever. My elementary school principal used to stop me at the school gates every day to yell at me about wearing the wrong color shoe. I had to explain to her every time that we couldnt find a shoe that fit me in the right color and remind her my mom had spoken to her numerous times since the start of the school year to inform her. Every time, she called my mom again and held me up so I’d be late to class. Gym class was even worse for a million reasons but that’s another topic.

I want to take a walk. I want to hang out with my friends for more than an hour each time. I want to swim, play volleyball, football, whatever the fuck ball or something i dont know. I can’t do that. I just can’t. And I want to, but I won’t ever be able to. And as long as I can’t find new shoes that fit me, i cant do the rest pf the stuff that i normally can. These americans with their long ass thin ass feet dominate the shoe market and im just a fly circling around it. Im sick of it. All my ocs are gonna have box feet and theres nothing anyone can do about it and in THEIR UNIVERSE, GOOD SHOES EXIST.

#acepostale #vent #i wish i had more friends that i share a condition with. i love my current friends of course but its different when the understanding is #built upon lived experience #im so happy to have a father whos chronically ill and understands what i mean. and a mom whos willing to listen. but you sometimes just need #to curse the fuck out of some horrible shit youre going through. and it has to be away from family

[vczcv]

its really hard to not try again

its really not that easy to just keep pretending it isnt in my closet

its only 6 feet away from me, all i have is in my closet

they say everyone is bound to have a ghost in the back of your closet

what if that ghost is her

shes waiting to prevail

the closet, its, half my mind, half my brain is dead, waiting to be preserved

do you feel bugs crawling on your skin everyday?

when washing your hands, do you get the urgent perfect picture in your mind of slicing your bright blue veins to ring?

when you sleep do you wake up in a cold pool of guilt and sweat?

sweet dreams about the forgotten are left by morning

she says that if we start now we'll have to be careful

whats the worst that could happen?

whats the worst that could happen?

i say, everyday, everything and everyone can always be worse, and she says nothing and noone can possibly be worse

the last time we tried i passed out on the bathroom floor

the last time they saw, he threatened to send me away again

is is really worth it all?

she says, of course it is, its worth it all

life under feeling, she prefers feeling over living

i think living isnt living if you arent alive

so what is missing?

its so beautiful to see, we both agree

we both hope the prophecy succeeds

so why cant i start again now?

maybe, unrealistical, but we both agree

i think the only thing holding me is laziness or fear, but why?

we both want to see it, smell it, feel it, taste it, so why shouldn't it be lived?

this was never fun, but maybe it can be now, maybe we can adjust

nothing she wants is healthy enough for her

they know eachother so well but neither know who they are

a doll stuck in another realm, but walking in the same house

shed do anything to repair her half, shed do everything to see her pure

if clean is the opposite of dirty what is the opposition of purity?

ive held my throat for you, and shes been sitting with her hands on her chin undelivered

hold your breath as long as possible in fabric or suffocate yourself for fun?

she knows theres no point in that anymore, breathlessness, she breathes out and in the sickness

beat her blood for control, squeezing organs for love

play games of childhood for closing the closet temporarily

i think everything is too complicsted for the living, she thinks everything is too simple for the breathing

i control her more than she can control me, nonetheless i wish she could take our role and stand in the spotlight to shine in grine

we will have to keep suffering in the waitlist

i hope she retrieves the ghost to bleed

the retrieval of the revenue is near

we are awaiting the release

please dont take your time

it is you who must save us after she compensates

#vent blog #bpd vent #tw sh vent #trauma vent #self mutalition #satan says #vessel #vent lyrics #bad poem #bad writing #mpd #possession #222 #1030 #slef harm #gorewhore #bloodborne #the chosen #777 #tw self destructive behavior #tw sh implied #tw veins #tw religious mention #tw relaspe

[niko-jpeg]

I'm Tired Man.

(Long winded vent below)

I'm tired of bad news. Every day I wake up and I see more and more bad news. Especially when it comes to trans issues and mental health. When I say the world is out for me and people like me I mean it. My state made it illegal for teachers to call students anything but their birthname at the beginning of the year. There are threats to remove trans stories and mental health stuff from the internet and people who want me gone want that more than anything. These conservatives think I'm a confused child and trans men are misguided and trans women are predators. And I Can't do anything to fix it or protect myself because of where I am and my family. And if I lose the ability to discuss this stuff online without my parents knowing? I just cant.

I'm tired of doing what I can as a person in my own borderline unsafe place and being told I'm not doing enough. I'm so sick of seeing posts than are essentially saing 'you're a bad person and 'happy' insert holiday here for everyone but me please donate and reblog or you're a bad person'. I do not have money. I feel selfish because I can't do anything and I am literally just trying to survive. I've nearly blockd a couple of tags over this. I understand we're all in need but when I say I am genuinely going insane. Every day I puprosefully try a little harder to get hit by a car on my way to school. I've tried to kill myself twice this week and just can't take it anymore.

I can't keep doing this. I'm sorry I can't help and all I can offer is the occasional reblog but I'm literally trying to keep myself fucking alive. I'm at my breaking point and its literally killing me. I've been sick for two weeks. I'm in constant pain. I have no energy to draw or write or do anything at all. And being told i'm a bad person for not being able to handle other peoples situations on top of mine? Its making it worse. I'm sorry, I really am, but I can't take it.

Theres a reason my posts have been less and less frequent. My feed is nothing but bad news and people also crying out for help and I just can't anymore.

I'm trying, okay? But I can't do much and I swear to god if someone says 'well you can do this' dude. You're missing the point. I AM TRYING TO STAY ALIVE. I have to fight to keep myself alive right now and Im so tired.

I want it to end. Please, just let it fucking end. I don't want to be Nikolai anymore. I just want to go home. Im tired of being mistreated and verbally thrown around and overworked. I'm tired of expectations I can't fill and I'm tired of being accused of being a bad person. God, just let me die.

#shut up niko #delete later #I can't take it anymore /srs #I'm going to fucking do it. I swear to God. I can't do it anymore

[bringmoresorrows]

Life Update

It's been a long time since I posted a life update. Lots of new things has happened in my life especially since i haven't updated in a year. Last year, I got myself into a situationship with this guy I became really close to really quickly and broke up with my ex of 4 years. We were dating from 2018-2022. Wow. A lot of things happened between my ex and I thankfully nothing traumatizing between us but we were falling out of love a year before the break up. As it got closer and closer to the end, I felt nothing to my ex. I was sick of how my ex constantly made me feel guilty for being myself. Plus my ex was transphobic and homophobic. Theres reasons for it as she came out as trans after we broke up. She never wanted to go out on dates with me, we stayed in the house and she didn't want to get to know my friend until like the week before we broke up. We had an apartment for a week and a half last April because the landlord said it was okay that we had the ferret then last minute they pulled back saying "nah get rid of the ferret" so we left. But it took a lot of me arguing with her for her to stand up to the landlord as my name wasn't on the lease, her name was. After that, anything i felt towards her was gone. I moved in with my parents in July and that was when my situationship with my friend started.

My heart was broken around September/October and I quickly moved onto someone new. But in between, I had no place to live aside form my parents couch and all my stuff was in storage. I even lost my ferret. My ex kept her. I got promoted to manager at my workplace and got a 2% pay increase which landed me at $20/hr where I was working 34-36 hrs a week and towards the holiday season after working 40-42 hrs a week. So I was bringing home a lot of money and had zero bills. I started building up my savings and come October, I moved in with two of my friends.

October was an interesting month last year, we had no furniture and we couldn't afford anything as we just dumped our savings into this place. It's a three bedroom apartment with 1.5 bathrooms. We have an in house washer and dryer and a dishwasher. It was awesome! We have so much space. The friend group kept making plans at my place and a few things led to another and that situationship friend and I broke things off. Mid october, I started talking to this guy over instagram. And we started hitting it off a lot. Turns out, my guy roommate and him are *best friends* so for our halloween party, he came on over! He lives a few boroughs away so its a 3 hour travel to his place and a 3 hour travel to mine. So 6 hrs total. So he came over the 30th and left November 1st. I got so drunk on the 31st and stuff happened between us before we were dating which is kinda another first for me as we just met in person for the first time. But the first time I did stuff with someone I wasn't dating was the situationship.

Come november, we start dating. Our relationship has been a bit rocky as we jumped into a new relationship and I was very much still hurt over the situationship and didn't want to admit it til a few months back. Plus living on my own has only amped up my mental health issues. I started my ed habits back up hard and lost 20 lbs in 2 months. I gained half of that back but its been hard.

January comes around and my ex tells me she cant house our ferret anymore so I was given the ferret <3. Bless.

February comes and my ferret gets very sick, throwing up for three days straight so we take her to the emergency vet and it helped her out a bunch <3

March comes and my mental health takes a worse turn.

April I have zero memories, In may my birthday happens. It was awesome! The friend group and I plus my bf + my sister go mini golfing! June nothing isolated. July: my internet friend from norway comes to visit and wow did it hit the roof. One thing led to another and they guilt trip me hard and gaslight me into thinking *i'm the crazy one* and I wind up having a severe mental break down where I attempted suicide. I also left the friend group. A day later my boyfriend calls me and gives me an ultimatum and tells me really harsh things to me which led me to crying for days and crying through a whole work shift (8 hours)

August comes and my depression is so severe, I wind up reaching out to a therapist and my pcp to start medication. Ella, my ferret, also has some more health issues showing up. Her tail has been losing fur for some time and her ears are getting backed up with ear wax. She wound up getting diagnosed with Adrenal Gland Disease. ;-;.

September; this month; comes around and therapy has been working and so has the meds. My relationship with my partner is getting a lot better and Ella is doing good too. She got her implant for Adrenal Disease this month. I've just been really tired ngl. Like very tired. But my house is getting decorated for halloween and its great!

Things are going really well for me and the people I used to miss I dont miss anymore. They didn't want me in their life then so be it. That's their problems. There was someone I named dropped a long time ago but I dont miss you anymore. You left my life and made it clear you never gave a fuck about me and only yourself. Goodbye to you. And to the other friends that bridges were burned, fuck it. I let go of it. I need to focus on myself and grow.

Next year around this time I will be moving in with my boyfriend and away from this borough where everyone knows each other. It will be rough to be in a more city based area. Its still a bit suburban but its very much on top of each other. I'm excited for it. I'm excited for the future that I'm going to have. I'm excited for the future with out the things that are holding me back.

#kj talks

[thedragonqueen1998]

I am once again going to rant and rage at AC 3:

WHO in their goddamned fucking mind decided that the shift key is both sprinting and climbing AT THE SAME TIME!? I cannot tell you how many times ive tried desperatly to run from guards, only to start climbing houses because i got too close to them and the game decided that i wanted to climb! And ofc i keep jumping between 2 boxes instead of going down on the floor to attack someone. It keeps fucking happening and im REALLY starting to hate the engine they used.

.

And how in THE everliving FUCK did they manage to create a combat system thats both shallow and insanely complicated at the same time!? HOW!? It is shallow because you only have 3 buttons: left click to Attack, spacebar to Break Defense and E to parry/counter, but it's complicated because each of those 3 actions can do a million different things the game just DOESNT TELL you about! Like, for example: Grabbing. In the old games i think it was Shift for grabbing and thats fucking awesome, but in this game it's not a button on its own. It is tied to the E button and some other button combo i CANNOT find out. The internet keeps saying things like; "it's the A button after a counter"(Dont know if it actually is, theres so many fucking button combos) and im just like, "WHAT IS THE A BUTTON ON KEYBOARD!?". When i go into the controls section theres nothing on what different button combos do, its just "E is the interact button".

And ofc the game makes it so some enemies cant be parried or countered or breaking defense wont work on them. OR NONE OF THEM WORK! I had to look up guides to learn that this game apperantly has a system that if an enemy attacks you 3-4 times, you can break defense on them, when before that wouldnt work. You know, that is a pretty good mechanic to spice combat up. IF THE GAME FUCKING TOLD YOU ABOUT IT! I am so fucking sick and tired of this game not telling or explaing jack shit about how the mechanics are different from older games. Nothing is explained, NOTHING!

God, i have had less than an hour of fun with this game and ive been playing for idk how long now. Seversl real life weeks and 60 hours+ i think i saw on my save file? And i keep having to take several day long breaks from this game as it literally brings me to tears everytime. Todays stream made me cry in under 30 minutes. 30 MINUTES! God, i hate this game! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT

Cant wait to be done with this piece of shit ass game and actually play a game that i can actually fucking enjoy for more than a minute. This is literally THE WORST game i have ever had the displeasure of playing. And im still not fucking done. God, im getting fucking depressed and suicidal from this game. I dont have the mental health or capacity to play this game anymore, but because of my personality type(addictive) i FUCKING CANT STOP PLAYING THIS PIECE OF SHIT GAME!

Jesus christ, Edward, fucking save me from your shit son and grandson.

#rant #assassin's creed 3 #i just had a 5 hour gaming session of this game #and it shows #HARD

[aaeds]

The worst advice Ive gotten all week is to eat small meals and snacks, but my stress levels are so high I’ve recognized I’m in trauma shut down mode.

I felt bad for falling down the stairs face first into a basket, and I’m all messed up. I’m doing so much for my family taking care of things around the house I feel less and less like I exist and more like cheap labour.

I’m not angry even if I could be, but eating and having feelings has completely drained from me. I’m robotically moving through the day anticipating the next demand or crying. I am capable of so many things, but I’m treated like an idiot.

I cooked so much for others and watched them eat that I stopped feeling anything, I’m a taller person who takes directions, folds laundry and puts it away. I put together outfits, and give everyone drinks at night.

By the time I’m done I just sit on my stairs, concentrate on what I need but it just drops out. Its like several years ago but I feel nothing and more withdrawn. I dont want to draw or play games, I’m on medicine for depression but this feels different.

Its like my life is already over, and I’m just waiting to bury the last two members of my family. It doesn’t make me that sad, I’m just exhausted at the prospects of how long it’ll take. Maybe thats mean, I’ll miss them but right now they’re not my parents.

I thought maybe I was mentally giving up, but at work today I thought I already have. I gave up on a future for myself, things I wanted, what I want to do. Whether or not I want to pursue a relationship when this is all I am, how exhausting that would be. Friendships arent fun when people worry.

If I laugh or talk to loud it means I’m available to help, so if I want peace or time to think I just sit in silence at my desk or in bed. Its not that books or games or shows are boring I just feel guilty.

“Come play this game with us,” but I’m not supposed to be having fun. Mom is crying and needs help, I shouldn’t be laughing or talking about my feelings on the matter. Its alienating. I don’t relate or understand my friends anymore. They don’t get it or never grew up this way. They got out or have other family. Its just me, I’m the last surviving child and the youngest, but I cant maintain my job and this lifestyle.

I hate when people tell me to run away or leave, they have no idea how scary it is to pick some up from a fall or handle the bleeding and abuse. Or when you’re forgotten by name, all the crying and screaming. It follows you everywhere and doesn’t immediately get better. Not when its your whole life. Its decades of trauma and guilt.

Every plan you make or purchase you make is disappointment, other people need more help than you even when you question if thats a lie. Giving up your birthday for someone else because it feels selfish to ask for things or want things. Its already so internalized. I mean, only one person celebrates my birthday as an adult, I got too old for birthdays, easter, halloween and Christmas before I turned 12. Even if its something I want, I cant ask for it from my family.

If I got sick or needed help I was a burden or at least an inconvenience. So somewhere down the line these past months my body and just shut down. I just don’t have it in me to be falsely cheerful, its just exhausting.

Even if you love your family, and you work full time - even the small things add up until theres just no room to be anything but what they need. I wanted to travel once.

Will it be a miracle if I can? If I’ll even want to?

[theghostofwilburtheworm]

Alright i puss in boots, i have a whole lot of feelings about it, so buckle up! This is gonna be long, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!

So im a very grand dreamworks fan, they where one of my main inspiration on why i want to become an animator, through my whole life, on 2020 i got incredibly hyperfixated on dreamworks as a studio (their history, production of their movies yadayada) that hyperfixation has followed me to beginnings of 2022 so im very god damn attached to this studio (cuz autism) so man i got so emotional when i saw the new intro i started tearing up aaaa, okay now onto the movie.

After the universal buy of dreamworks i was very fucking worried about the future of the animation studio, so much so that i really just accepted httyd 3 as their last movie, they went out with a bang i sated to myself, and i wasn't much more re-comforted when their first movie after the buy was abominable, is a nice movie yes! But it has that illumination-e feeling of being just a safe product (regarding its story, thr animation is fucking gorgeous) and then it came trolls world tour (sure was okay) the boss baby sequel, the croods 2 (i actually really liked this one it was very funny and creative!) Spirit untamed (what a sick joke! I mean the animation is pretty and all but ive always hated the spirit series bc of shiting all over the og movie, sorry im salty abt this one) But then! The bad guys came out!! And it was such a fun and creative and beautiful movie!! Having such an awesome art, so dynamic and cool the mix of 2d and 3d it was just so cool! and such a fun story and it was just soo good!!! And it gave me so much hope for the future of the studio!! Specially after seeing the trailer for the puss in boots movie!! Seeing that dreamworks is also taking this more experimental approach to animation made me sososo happy!! And yk i was going to watch puss in boots only for the animation before, i didnt really tough it would have much of a deep story i was contempt with just watching a silly goofy movie with beautiful animation!

And don't get me wrong the first puss in boots haves very good story and the emotional moments landed pretty well!! I just didn't think dreamworks would do that kind of stuff anymore (due to what they've been putting out lately being mainly funny silly movies [wich theres nothing wrong with!!]) BUT HOLY CHEESE N RISE!! Through this movie, if i wasn't tearing up about how cool and beautiful the animation and the fight scenes where, i was tearing up about gato's conflict with his fear of death and his relationship with kitty and fucking seeing gato's past life with shrek and donky and man im so emotional about this

And also the music it was soo good i absolutely adored the motif for the death and the little "dreamworks motif"™ at the end it was so beautiful

And the character design!!!! Omg it was soo good, DEATH HOLLY MOLLY DEATH he looked sooo goood it was so fucking scary and cool!!! And his weapon!!!!! And then theres the little dog he was soo cute, and the other guy that i forgot his name!! And goldi and the three bears!!!!

Speaking of which i also really fucking loved goldi and the three bears' acr and their interactions where absolutely delightful and nice!! And i really loved their ending

And perrito's and kitty's story, and the final confrontation of gato and death!!! And aaaa it was all so beautiful and awesome and cool and dazzling, and then the ending of perrito, kitty, and gato going to far far away, and the scene at the beginning of the first fight of gato and death!!! It was soooo sooo cool, the colors and the lightning IN GENERAL ALLL OF THE FIGHT SCENES WHERE SO AWESOME!!!

And man the little scene of gato remembering his mom giving him the boots, i was so nice guck i cant believe how attached im to these freacking characters

And like dude the colors where so vibrant and aaa this movie was just so beautiful!!! Im so happy and sad and im just a mess of emotions due to this movie it makes me so happy for the future of dreamworks animation, and mainstream animation in general, because and i cannot stress enough, animation is not a genera for kids, is an art form, just as versatile and beautiful as any other.

Anyways this movie was pretty epic probably my favorite from this decade with gillermo del toro's pinocchio and i for once, can't wait what the future will get us :]

#welp that was a whole lot of word vomit so sorry gamers autism won today aaa #this was just such a good movie :'] #puss in boots the last wish spoilers #puss in boots the last wish #gh0ost txt

[six40seven]

September 16th

I woke up outside and i dont know how i got there. I was somewhere far in the woods, so far that it didnt make sense for me to be able to go all the way out there without shoes on. I had my phone on me and its was empty of pictures. Which makes no sense, i can SEE the picture i posted, I posted and i responded to people and... You saw the picture? I… dont remember taking any of them. I dont remember anything from last night. Not even a dream. I dont remember,, who i was talking to. But i can see i was talking to someone, someone asked me if it was real. It IS real. But theres something wrong about everything.

I was so cold. My fingers were bone white and my feet were scrapped and scratched. It felt like it was snowing, i thought there would be snow but. The snow. The snow wasnt real. There’s was no snow last night. It was just cold. I walked back home. What else was i supposed to do? No cell service and nothing to do other then go back home. My feet are rubbed raw. I am sick. Niki was gone for work. Or she didnt come home last night… Its not raining anymore but the whole world has been at least 20 degrees colder then the last few days. It really weird. Everything feels wrong.

I went inside. I dont know what time. I dont remember checking the time on the stove. I should’ve. I should’ve checked the time. I wish i had the pictures. They have time stamps. Everything’s off. I’m kind of freaking out right now. even though im home, it doesnt feel safe to be home alone. But i dont want to have to explain to my sister why im not at school and why my feet are bleeding and why it looks like im about to have a nervous breakdown. She’s too busy.

So i got home. I got home and i locked all the doors. I had to. It felt weird to not lock all the doors. I dont want to stand in the living room with the trees, just out there. I love nature, i love the forest but today something feels so wrong. I thought i had stopped sleepwalking years ago. Why is it happening again? Im supposed to grow out of that type of thing. Its fine. Everything’s fine.

So now im sitting in my room. Ive decided to tell Niki i went home early. Today shes supposed to drive me home. But she cant if im not in town at all. I texted her at.. noon? Yeah. She said she would bring chicken soup. I’m going to tie myself to my bed tonight. After she goes to bed. I dont want to wake up like that again, alone, looking up at the storm gray sky with only my thin pajamas on. No memory of how i got there. I cant.. this was supposed to stop. I was supposed to be okay.

Im okay. Im okay im just. Im mad. Yk when something is supposed to be in the past comes back, it always fucks you up. Its fucking me up right now. I dont usually curse but i just. Im sick.

Im goign to read a book. If anyone knows anything. Please let me know..

#sleepyspeaking