#their actual dad is bobby. bobbys dad also sucks. the mom from Suit life of Zach and Cody is their and she mom? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chaotictommy · 3 years

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OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT HAS FINALLY HAPPENED... I WAS NOMINATED BY @transjohnnylawrence .......... Omg 😱 😭🤧😂

okay, so I’ve prepared a speech... or — well...

I’d like to thank my mom, my — what am I saying?

Thank you @transjohnnylawrence Ferris you rock man 💖🌻💖

Okay, let’s do this....

It’s the year 2021 and you’re obsessed with The Karate Kid. How are you feeling?:

Hell yeah! I love TKK, I’m feeling great about it, and I mean, I’ve met a lot of great people in the fandom and great friends <3 Cobra Kai is awesome too!

Did you grow up with TKK or are you new to the series?:

Lol, I guess I grew up with it? I saw TKK when I was six or seven years old and it’s a good memory because my dad was there from one of his excruciatingly long deployments and he had found it on television and he scooped me up and set me in his lap and we watched it together. Of course he fell asleep halfway through and the only reason he woke up was because I tried to do the flying kick that Bobby does to take out Danny’s knee, and I fell over and ended up busting my knee a little on the side of the coffee table, my dad woke up and ended up telling me off for hurting myself, but we sat down and watched the last minute, after he’d put a bandaid on my knee. My dad ended up getting it at the library a while later on VHS so I could see the beginning and ending because I had missed both, it’s kind of one of the best memories I have of my dad. After that, a lot of stuff happened in my life and I kinda forgot about it till I saw a trailer for Cobra Kai, and after that I rented the film from my local library, and watched it about five times... then on a different site I met @transjohnnylawrence and he asked me to a TKK watch party, which honestly was the best. ✨ I’ve met a lot of great people in this fandom and I am so happy that I found it again, because I’ve made some friends... <3 but I said that already :) ✨

We gotta do the basics. Favourite character:

TOMMY!!! lol... I don’t actually know... I love them all, but Bobby, Jimmy, Dutch, or Tommy for TKK, definitely Jessica is a top fave and I don’t mind Ali... my favorite character in Cobra Kai has to be either Robby or Amanda... or Moon or Demetri... but I really relate to Robby

Wax On, Wax Off or Sweep the Leg?:

I prefer neither. I guess I tend to go for the whole Mr. Miyagi speech about balance. That or ‘Get him a body bag, yeahhh,’ — Actually, I once changed the line just a little to use. I once flunked down into a chair at a cafeteria table, set my head down on the table, and stated ‘get me a body bag,’ and my friend looked at me and said ‘exams are going that bad huh?’ and I just nodded and proceeded to fall asleep on the table because I hadn’t had any sleep... also, I said ‘Get him a body bag’ once when my sister jokingly told me to sike our dad out when we were playing pool in teams... and I took it literally and my dad just looked very surprised and started laughing.... but yeah... what was the question? if i had to choose, it would be Sweep the Leg ... Or Wax on, Wax off, depending on my mood Which of Daniel’s dumb little outfits is your favourite?:

The silly little flannel with the camo pants... since I have worn something very similar and been teased for it... 😅😂 there’s so many that I liked though... I really dislike that he wears only suits now and they’re the stuffy kind...

Favourite ship:

Johnny/Jimmy, Dimmy (Dutch/Jimmy), I blame two fanfic writers for this one, but — Johnny/Bobby/Dutch... Also, Dutch/Tommy, Dutch/Jimmy/Tommy, Kumiko/Jessica/Ali, Bonny, Lucille/Miyagi and Johnny/Bobby/Tommy/Jimmy/Dutch, And Tommy/Ali... for CK, I’m big into Sam/Demetri, Robby/Moon, and Hawk and Demetri but as Binary Brothers ............. there’s too many

Underrated character:

JeSsIcA — yeah, definitely Jessica! And Tommy! And Jimmy! Dutch! And totally Bobby... but Jessica is definitely number One ☝️ in my underrated characters list...

Underrated ship (don’t say therapy, lol):

i like Jimmy/Dutch or Tommy/Ali but Kumiko/Jessica/Ali are top on my list... that and Bobby/Freddy (They’d look pretty cute together, I dunno 🤷🏼‍♀️) that and Thera— Tommy/Johnny ... for CK it’s definitely Sam/Aisha or Amanda/Johnny lol... joking with that one... Robby/Moon

Character from the films you most want to return, who’s not Terry Silver:

screw Terry Silver! NO SERIOUSLY SCREW HIM AND KREESE... I want to see Jessica and Dutch!!! and more of the Og Cobras 🐍 😩♥️ Maybe even Julie... but definitely Jessica and Dutch (Lol I feel strongly about this)

Scene that lives in your head rent-free:

the goodbye scene with Tommy in Take a Right... it just sticks with me even though it’s a sad scene... but just hearing them talk by the campfire and seeing Tommy giving Johnny advice and helping him... and also, just... yeah, that just 🥺... got stuck in my head... that or the scene with Robby where he finds his childhood artwork at his dad’s apartment, I get emotionally drawn in thinking about my own childhood, for TKK it was the scene where Bobby is disqualified and throws his belt down in front of Kreese and walks out... and seeing Johnny’s face in the background as Bobby took Daniel out, it just is another sad scene. Or the Halloween fight where Bobby tells Johnny to leave Daniel alone... also, the beach scene with Johnny and Bobby being real pals on their bikes, and Dutch’s yellow helmet rolling across the ground... the soccer tryouts... I love soccer. The learning how to take a fall part because I’ve had that happen (but the kid wasn’t on a motorbike, just a regular bike, and it wasn’t a steep hill, but I had another kid knock me off my bike like that :/ )

Will Anthony LaRusso ever be relevant?:

oh man, you know it, that kid is gonna be like the master of Karate or something... that kid’s got mad skills... ha! I dunno 🤷🏼‍♀️ he’s there as a foil or something... anyways, he absolutely annoys the heck out of me because he reminds me of a kid I babysat once... but yeah, they’ll probably make him more relevant...

You live in The Valley and are forced into the karate gang war. Which dojo do you join?:

Oh dang, yeah... ummmm, well... I think Bobby, Jimmy, and Tommy would be my friends... but I think I’d choose Miyagi Do in TKK and help Daniel, while also trying to talk some sense into my friends... in CK, I think I’d pick Miyagi Fang, but before that, I probably would have chosen Cobra Kai when Johnny was Sensei and probably would have jumped ship when Kreese came in. Or, option 3. Fake my death, change my name, and run... (bonus... if Johnny told me to flip the script, I’d give myself a badass name like Hornet, because you don’t really feel the sting till a few minutes later... but it’s bad... or I’d just join Miyagi Do)

It’s the crossover event of the century! Which TV show are you combining with Cobra Kai for an hour-long Saturday night special?:

Pfffffft, OTHERWORLD so that it would be like Jimmy got sucked into an alternate dimension and he’s lost with his family... no I’m not currently thinking of writing a Fanfiction about this... or am I? Hmmmmm...

💫 I Nominate @dxrkvibes23

@kingkarate @cobrasandalleycats @strikelikeacobrakai @legolugosi @transdaniellarusso @dream-beyond-the-fantasy @cobrakaikaratedad @johnnywhorance @johnnyavanti (Sorry if you didn’t want to be tagged or have already done this...) 💫

#TKK #The Karate Kid #Cobra Kai

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iamartemisday · 4 years

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Lokane Untold Truths

Jane was six the first time it happened. It was mid-December. She’d exhausted every option available to her to complete her mission. In desperation, she threw all caution to the wind and came out with it. “Daddy, what am I getting for Christmas?”

He looked into her eyes and said, “a junior telescope set and that scientist Barbie doll you wanted. Also a young reader’s copy of Pride and Prejudice. I think your mother wants to corrupt you early.”

When he finished speaking he looked shocked for all of a second. He didn’t have long because he’d, unfortunately, spilled the beans within earshot of his wife, who spent the next few minutes berating him while Jane danced in place at the thought of a telescope.

Over time, more incidents like that began to occur.

“Mrs. Mason,” she asked her third grade teacher the day she announced they’d have a sub for the rest of the week, “how come you’re going on vacation now instead of on the weekend?”

“Oh I’m not actually going on vacation,” Mrs. Mason said. “I’m getting a colonoscopy and I need to spend the next few days cleaning out my bowels.”

Everyone laughed as their poor teacher turned bright red and tried to backtrack.

For a while, Jane actually thought it was pretty funny.

“Hey Bobby, how come you won’t go down the slide?” she asked the playground bully.

“Because I’m afraid of heights,” he said. “They make me cry.”

No one took his bullying seriously after that.

One day, it stopped being funny.

“Why don’t you want to eat lunch with me?” she asked Maggie, her best friend in the world since kindergarten.

“Because I don’t like you anymore,” Maggie said. “You’re a weird geek and I want to hang out with the cool kids now.”

Jane didn’t really sit with anyone after that.

By the time she reached high school, she knew something was wrong with her. Or maybe something was right. There were perks to her strange little ability just as much as their were downsides. She’d long since figured out a few things.

Her power only worked when she made eye contact with the target.

Glasses of any sort would not protect them.

Wearing glasses herself would.

Jane couldn’t understand that last one. Perhaps it was a mental block she’d placed on herself to protect her relationships after what happened with Maggie. Or maybe it was just always there.

In her sophomore year, she got up the courage to as the boy she liked on a date (simple yes or no question, it couldn’t possibly go wrong).

“I’d like to, but I can’t,” he said. “My dad beats my mom and I’m afraid to date because I don’t want to be like him.”

The next day, Jane bought six pairs of contact lenses.

For years, she wore them religiously. Nobody ever questioned her. Not in college, not in grad school, not in the desert. Darcy called them lens buddies and Jane didn’t have the heart to correct her.

It got easier to forget about all the chaos her power had caused. She’d remind herself that it could’ve been a lot worse and all things considered, she’d made it to adulthood relatively unscathed. Every now and then she’d forget to put in her contacts and get to hear all about a neighbor’s marital problems or how the overly macho guy at the bar was deeply in love with his male best friend. Otherwise, her days were uneventful and she could almost pretend she was completely normal.

Thor came to her in a storm and they had their adventure.

He came back to her in another storm when an ancient power was (not so) inexplicably drawn to her. That was a bit rough of a reunion. Jane was not exactly happy about his two years of radio silence. Even worse, whatever was inside her had decided it didn’t like contact lenses. They burned like pure fire when she tried to put them back in.

“It’s good to see you,” Jane said, instead of asking where he’d been or any other question she both did and didn’t want the answer to.

He was nice enough to explain, and it was a good explanation. Taking her to Asgard and giving her the grand tour also helped his case.

Jane still couldn’t find the same affection for him that she’d once had, if she had it at all. Their three days in the desert had been a whirlwind of confusing emotions as her entire life was upturned in an instant. Now that they had time to stop and think, Jane wasn’t seeing much more in him than a good friend.

And then came Loki.

Or course Jane knew him, if only in name and face. She got to know him about more closely when she punched him in the face for attaching New York.

“I like her,” he said, smiling evilly at her.

Jane stared at him with her uncovered eyes and got a terrible, but all too tempting idea. “Do you get off on being hit?”

“Not precisely,” he said, “but I do love a woman with fire.”

Jane didn’t know what was funnier, his face or Thor’s. She glanced at Sif and shrugged like she had no idea what was happening and then casually reminded the brothers that they should probably get moving.

The ride out of Asgard was bumpy, and Jane only remembered parts of it. She woke up as they reached Svartalfheim. The Aether called to her, swirling through her with renewed ferocity at the prospect of going ‘home’.

“Finally awake I see,” Loki said, grinning evilly. “That didn’t take long at all.”

“What scared you most as a child?” Jane asked.

“Freya’s cats,” Loki said. “One of them bite me once and I’ve never liked them since.”

Even given the circumstances, Thor couldn’t not laugh. “I knew it.”

If Loki smacked the elves around a little harder than necessary, Jane wouldn’t comment. He was actually kind of gentle with her, even as he shoved her out of the way of a vortex sucking them up.

When he died, Jane actually felt bad for making him expose his secrets like that. Even for someone like him, using her powers like that was just petty. Now that the Aether was gone, those contacts were going right back in. She didn’t even take them out a month later when she and Thor agreed to go their separate ways. It was all for the best anyway.

Late one night, when she been planning another all nighter to finish updated her bridge schematic, she was suddenly overcome with sleep. She awoke in a misty place. Nothing was around for miles, but she wasn’t scared. Nothing could hurt you in a dream, she knew, no matter what the old wive’s tales said.

Even when Loki appeared before her, she didn’t react. Dream or no dream, she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of scaring her.

“Ask me anything,” he said.

Jane blinked her naked eyes. “Is this real?”

“Yes.”

“Are you alive?”

“Yes.”

“How can that be when I saw you die?”

“You saw me lose consciousness, though in fairness, I thought I was dying as well. It seems luck was for once on my side.”

A vision of Asgard appeared. Odin alone on his throne with Gugnir. He smiled warmly at his subjects, though for a moment, his eyes turned green.

“Are you pretending to be Odin?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“What did you do with him?”

“He’s in a retirement home on Midgard. Don’t worry, I chose a nice one.”

“Do you visit him?”

“Once a week.”

“Nice. The orderlies must love you.”

“That wasn’t a question, but yes, they do. I’m a loving, dedicated son in their eyes.”

Jane was fast getting sick of this dream. And she really hated her sneaking suspicion this wasn’t a dream at all and Loki really was alive right now.

“So what now? What do you want from me?”

He stepped closer. “You have an amazing gift, Jane. One which not even I can resist.”

“Thank you,” Jane said. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

He laughed. “I don’t believe I have you under a spell, my dear.”

“Do you?”

“I don’t.” He smiled. “You are free to speak as you wish, though I am bound to your every whim.”

“What if I asked you to tell me your greatest secret?”

“You know I would tell you. I would have no choice.”

“Would you want to?”

“I would,” he stepped closer. He was so tall and actually extremely handsome. Weird how she was only just starting to notice. “I would happily tell you anything. You and only you.”

Jane swallowed. Even knowing what she could do, he looked so sincere. “Do… do you regret what you did?”

For the first time, he hesitated and all but whispered his response. “I’m starting to.”

“Do you want to make it right?”

“I don’t think I can.”

“But would you try?”

Another, longer hesitation. A quieter response. “Yes.”

Jane nodded. She took his hand and held it tight. “Then when you’re ready to visit Odin again, come find me.”

The dream ended there and Jane was awake in her lab. She stared at the clock and her heart missed a beat. Not even a minute had passed since she closed her eyes. Almost like that whole event occurred on another plane of existence.

‘It did,’ she told herself. ‘In a dream world.’

But did it really?

She heard footsteps behind her, but wasn’t afraid. He was there when she turned around. Not as Odin, but as himself. He had trimmed his hair a bit and donned a suit. Though he held her gaze, there was a hint of trepidation behind his eyes.

Jane stood and approached him. This time, she had only one question. “Why?”

He took her hands “Don’t you see, Jane? I am the God of Lies. You are the Goddess of Truth.” He leaned in close. Jane couldn’t stop him if she wanted to as their lips met. “We were made for each other.”

And that was the God’s honest truth.

#Lokane #Loki #Jane Foster #fic I won't write #except I guess I kind of did write it?#like fifty percent at least...

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squirrel-moose-winchester · 6 years

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Teenage Christmas Wish

Title: Teenage Christmas Wish

Pairing: Teen!Sam x Teen!Reader

Word Count: 1971

Warning: Nothing but PURE FLUFF! Ugh, why do I do this to myself?

A/N: This is my submission to Kari (@thing-you-do-with-that-thing) and Ida’s (@like-a-bag-of-potatoes) 12 Days of Christmas Challenge. Prompt: December 20th – Wishing Upon a Star

12 Day of Christmas Masterlist

Disclaimer: The gif below does not belong to me.

You were having the worst day, possibly, ever. It was the last period of the day and there was still a whole 30 minutes left until it was winter vacation! This penitentiary called High School could suck it. The girls were mean, the guys were dead beats, and everyone who wasn’t, didn’t even know you existed, save for your handful of friends.

Taking your eyes off of your doodle-covered notebook, you saw Sam Winchester staring at you. He sent a reassuring smile, which you returned. Thank goodness for Sam. He was your best friend, even if he was a little secretive about his family and that you’d only met him in the beginning of the school year, however you knew enough to know that he was a genuine nice guy.

When the bell finally rang, you quickly shoved everything in your backpack, Sam already standing by your desk waiting. Slipping your arms through through the straps, you stood up from your desk ready to leave.

“All set?” Sam asked, checking around the area to see if you miss anything.

“Yup! Thank God we can take a break from this hell hole,” you complained.

“Oh, it’s not that bad,” he laughed.

“Yeah, to you. You’re actually smart!” You retorted, Sam cackling at your statement. He actually liked learning and going to school. Compared to the secret life his family had, this was what he wanted most – to be normal.

You smiled as the both of you headed out of the classroom and towards your car. You had made plans with Sam and all your other friends to hang out after school at Harvey’s Diner. It was smack in the middle of town and about equal distance from everyone’s house. Although no one knew where Sam lived, he assured everyone that he didn’t live far either.

Sam snatched your car keys from your hand, like always, and got into the front seat. You rolled your eyes humorously at him before slipping into the passenger side. This was a normal thing. He’d always drive when you two went to hangout after school, which happened to be almost everyday.

After getting a bite to eat, everyone parted ways. Heading over to the car, out of the blue, Sam had given an invitation to go to his place. To say you were shocked was an understatement. The question caught you completely off guard. You never thought you’d see the day where you’d get to see where Sam lived so of course you said yes. Only a crazy person would turn down a once in a life time opportunity, but then again, you could be crazy for wanting to.

Zooming down the roads, you observed every turn, houses passed, stoplights, and anything that could be used as a landmark to remember your way to Sam’s place. The drive was definitely further than expected. He was practically driving into the middle of no where, however you’ve drove down this road before. Your dad used to always sent you around the area to pick up spare parts for what ever automobile he was working on, but since he passed, there was no reason to come around this area anymore.

“Do you know Bobby Singer, by any chance?” Sam asked out of the blue.

“Mr. Singer? Yeah, I used to pick up car parts from him for my dad,” you admitted.

“Really? That’s who I’m staying with while I’m at school.”

“No kidding. He doesn’t seem like the most hospitable guy,” you stated. “And not to offend you or anything, everyone thinks he’s the town drunk, ever since his wife passed…” you trailed off. “But he seem’s like a pretty nice guy, I guess. Never talked to me, just pointed to the parts I need and went back into his house.”

Sam chuckled. “Sounds about right. He’s a little rough around the edges but is a really nice guy. He used to watch me and my brother as a kid when our father was out on business. There are just things that other’s don’t understand, so they make things up. Yeah, when Bobby get’s drunk, he get’s a little hard to deal with, but he’s a good guy. Never once hurt anyone unless they deserved it. My brother watched him beat up this guy for shoving Dean to the ground. It was awesome.” A smiled made its way to you face as Sam talked about Bobby. He really admired him, that was easy to tell. “He was more of a father to me and Dean than our own father.”

“That makes me feel a lot better. I’m glad I didn’t listen to all that negativity everyone has been spewing.”

“Me too. You’re pretty awesome, you know that?” Sam took his eyes off the road for a second to give you a small smile. Gosh, he was attractive.

“I know,” you joked, punching him in his arm.

That was the most Sam had ever mentioned about his family, other than that it’s just him and his brother, his dad travels a lot, and his mom died when he was still an infant. Also, there were a few stories here and there about his childhood with his older brother Dean, but he’d never mentioned growing up in Bobby’s care.

Sam pulled up into the ‘junk yard’ of Bobby Singer, parking in front of the house. “Looks like Bobby’s not home,” he revealed.

“So it’ll just be us?” Your nerves began to surface.

“Is that not okay? If you’re uncomfortable, we can go somewhere else,” he offered.

“N-no. It’s fine,” you smiled with certainty, the butterflies coming alive in your stomach.

“Are you sure?” He asked, but you only nodded with a wide grin. “If you want to go home, just let me know. Anyways, let’s get inside, it’s starting to snow.” Just as he finished his sentence, a snowflake landed on your nose, sending a chill through your body.

Entering the house you noticed that it was surprisingly neat. There were a lot of books and papers lying around, but you bother with them. Nosey wasn’t a characteristic you wanted to associate with yourself.

“So this is home, huh? It’s a little far way from the diner don’t you think?” Your tone accusing him of lying. “Do you walk all the way home? I could have dropped you off, it’s not a problem,” you rambled while looking around.

“Bobby usually picks me up,” he mentioned. Not knowing that he stopped, you ran right into him, stumbling back a bit. “Whoa, you okay? You need to stop doing that,” he chuckled.

“Yeah, thanks. And it doesn’t happen all the time,” you grumbled in denial, knowing it was true. You ran into people all the time.

After having a great time together, watching TV and just talking about random things, the sky had gotten dark quickly. The large pizza he ordered a while ago was long gone. Now you were both lounging on the couch watching a random movie that was on TV. Sam peered out the window and noticed that the snow had stopped.

“Hey, want to go outside for a bit, the snow stopped falling. I can lend you one of my sweaters,” he suggested.

“Yeah sure that’d be great! I love going out and looking at the night sky after the snowfall. Hopefully the sky cleared up,” you replied.

“Okay, I’ll be right back,” he smiled, “unless you want to come up and see my room?” He asked, his voice a little shy. Your face flushed red against your will, unable to believe what was happening. Not only were you alone in a house with Sam, he was inviting you into his bedroom. You didn’t want to overthink things or overreact, but what possible reasons could you have to NOT check out his room?

“Sure, I’d love to see how Sam Winchester decorates his room,” you giggled, following him up the stairs. Sam smiled, offering his hand, which you took.

“It’s not that great, I barely have anything,” he chuckled.

At the top floor, standing in front of a door, anticipation broiled through your veins. This was it. You were about to be alone with Sam in his room. The butterflies in your stomach were now working over time, riling you up until you felt a little dizzy, but that wasn’t going to stop you. Sam opened the door and he was right. Sam didn’t have much. His room was simple, with a desk filled with books. It suited him.

Sam headed for his closet, pulling out one of his sweaters and handing it to you along with a beanie before pulling another for himself. “There, you think you’ll be warm enough? Need another layer?” He questioned.

“Um, I think I’ll be fine,” you stated as you examined the thickness and fabric of the sweater.

“Here, just in case, throw this on,” he passed one of his flannels. You fought the smile that threatened your lips, biting the inside of your cheeks. The flannel he had lent was your favorite on him.

“Thank you.”

After slipping on the flannel, his sweater, and sliding the beanie atop your head, Sam let out a soft chuckle. You were practically drowning in his clothing.

“It fits like a glove,” you joked.

“Fits you better than me,” he replied teasingly.

You both laughed before making it out to the front yard, your car covered in a thin blanket of snow. Gazing up to the sky, a soft gasp left you. Although you’ve seen this view many times before, it never got old. The sky was too beautiful to ever get sick of it. A little way to the right, you saw a bright star. It was the brightest and the biggest, so you decided to take a chance and make a wish.

Just as you closed your eyes, Sam turned in time to watch. Your head was tilted upwards and Sam followed the direction you were facing noticing the same bright star and figured he’d play along, after all there was no harm in it.

When you opened your eyes, Sam chimed in, “So what did you wish for?”

“Now, if I told you, then it might not come true.”

“Oh, that’s just a myth,” he laughed.

“Oh, yeah, then what did you wish for, smart guy?”

“My wish? You want to know?” He inquired. “Do you really want to know?” He turned his body fully to face you.

“I do,” you stated, turning your body to face his as well.

Sam took a step closer, practically chest to chest. You gulped with nerves, forcing yourself to not look at his tempting lips. “I wished that…” he trailed as he leaned in to whisper in your ear, “you’d let me kiss you,” he confessed.

Heat blasted through your entire being. That was the last thing you ever thought of hearing. Not even in a million years. Maybe only in your dreams but that was it. He was your best friend. It pretty much defied the laws of friendship, because it could make things awkward. It could potentially ruin everything, but it was too late now. Sam had already stepped passed the line just by revealing that he wanted to kiss you.

When he pulled away, his lips stopped merely centimeters away from your own. You smiled at the odds that you, too, had wished for the same thing on the same star. This time a soft giggle fell past your lips.

“What?” Sam asked, his tone now filled with nervousness as he pulled away a tad more.

“Nothing. My wish. I wished that you’d kiss me. It’s also my Christmas wish,” you admitted with new found courage.

Sam grinned. “Then I guess your wish is my command,” he whispered before connecting his lips with yours.

Feedback Is Appreciated!

#Kari and Ida's 12 Days of Christmas Challenge #teen!Sam x teen!Reader #sam winchester #spn #supernatural #fanfiction #spn fan fic #supernatural fanfic #a very supernatural christmas #reader insert #teen!Sam #teenage christmas wish #squirrel-moose-winchester

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kpopreactionstoruinyourlife · 6 years

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Song Girl - Part 21 - Sungjin Fan Fiction

Song Girl Masterlist

Part 21 - December 2014

Summary: Spending the holidays with her parents.

“You actually made an itinerary, didn’t you?” Sungjin asked Ella as they moved into their seats on the flight.

“There’s a lot of stuff you should do when you visit the DC area and you wanted to see where I grew up and went to school. Ryan and Angela are throwing a party for our friends and I want you to go to that. Then we have stuff with my family for the holiday.” She said pulling out her bullet journal.

“It’ll be morning when we land, right?” He said and she nodded.

“My parents are going to be at work but Ryan is able to pick us up. Once we get back to my place, my car is there so if we’re up to it I can show you the neighborhood.”

“And that night is the party.”

“If we don’t sleep much on the plane, we should nap.”

“They won’t all speak Korean.”

“Angela, Ryan, and Bobby do but Bobby is on a ski trip with his fraternity brothers.”

“But you weren’t involved in Greek Life.”

“I was in an academic frat.”

“Right.” He said, nodding like it made sense.

“And you made sure to pack the gifts right?”

“Of course, I can’t go to your parents house without them.”

“Thanks.”

“I love you.” He said as he kissed her head. The plane took off and they headed to the US. Ella fell asleep on Sungjin’s shoulder and he shortly followed suit.

Once they landed, they headed to where Ryan said he was going to be and then to the home she grew up in.

“Wow.” Sungjin said when they got into the entryway of the single family home.

“My parents would be proud it got that reaction - I was about ten when we moved here. They worked so hard to be able to afford it to put me in a better school district.” She said as she patting the banister, holding onto it to take off her shoes.

“And you said you had cats?” He said just as bells tinkled through the house and two balls of fur scampered down the stairs.

“This one-” She picked up the long haired one- “is Chicky.” Chicky was already protesting getting picked up by mewing and making Sungjin laugh.

“It’s ok, she loves me.” Ella said putting her girl down. “Then we have Muji.” She picked up the shorter haired, darker one.

“He’s cute.” Sungjin said awkwardly patting Muji’s head.

“I’m a very proud mother.” Ella said kissing his head before putting him down too. “Did you want to eat?” Ella said moving through the entry hall, past the front office space and dining room to the joined living room and kitchen.

“I could eat.” Sungjin said, standing at the end of the hall while she continued straight into the kitchen.

“After school, I’d usually have fruit or cereal, maybe crackers or ice cream.” Ella said as she explored the cabinets. “How do...apples with caramel and peanut butter sound?”

“Good.” Sungjin said. He sat in a barstool at the counter, finding himself unsure of his every move.

“Ok, gimme a minute. You can get drinks out of the fridge, just no alcohol. Doubt that’d make my parents happy.” She said as she sliced the fruit.

“I’m good here.” He said, taking a moment to look around. There were pictures on the mantel, her high school graduation and prom, and several family shots.

“This has been here for over a year.” She said tapping her acceptance letter for graduate school tacked to the fridge.

“They are proud of you.” Sungjin said, working to will himself to be comfortable in her home, with her, at least until her parents got there. But it was impossible. He viewed it as her parents home, not hers.

“Here you go.” She said passing a plate full of fruit. Then she grabbed two glasses and poured in some coke.

“Were you frequently alone here?” Sungjin asked, looking around the house.

“That’s a weird question. I mean, my parents worked but I had extracurriculars and everything...But this is my home, and I live alone now. I’m comfortable alone.” She said as she sat next to him.

“I guess it’s just weird for me to be here without your parents around.” He said and she sighed, scooting closer to him to rest her head on his shoulder.

“I think as long we don’t have sex here, the worst case scenario can be avoided.” Even though her delivery was matter of fact, he couldn’t help laughing.

“They don’t have decorations on the tree.” He observed and she shook her head.

“We’ll do that all together. Singing carols, but without your judgment.” She added poking him.

After they finished their snack, she took him up to her room, giving him a tour. He was not at all shocked to find a clean and organized study space and shelves taking up nearly a whole wall of her room.

“So how many boys have ever made it up here?” He asked, smirking.

“My cousins.” Ella answered, laughing.

“So I’m the first.” He said, his smirk spreading into a genuine smile.

“Your possessiveness is coming out again.” She said shaking her head.

“You’re possessive, too.” He teased.

“I know. Not the best part of me.” She said as she crawled onto her bed before she got back up again to block the light from the window as much as possible.

“Taking a nap?” Sungjin asked, watching as she pulled a blanket over herself without getting underneath the covers. She nodded.

“You can join me, just keep your clothes on.” She said and he chuckled before getting in behind her, the bigger spoon.

It was two hours, or more, before they woke up. She moved to sit up, stirring him.

“Your parents will be here soon.” He mumbled into the pillow.

“Yes,” She said stretching.

“Alright, I’ll go freshen up.” He said, following her directions to the bathroom.

While he did that, she changed out of leggings and into jeans, straightening her hair.

Just as they headed back down stairs, she heard her father’s car pulling into the garage.

“Mom or dad?” Sungjin asked, looking at the garage from the foyer.

“Dad, mom doesn’t park in the garage.” Ella said before turning to him. “Did my makeup survive the nap?”

“You’re still quite pretty.” He said patting her head.

“Hello kids, see you arrived safely. I should thank Ryan for going to get you.” Her father said as he came in, stepping out his shoes and coat before hugging his daughter and shaking Sungjin’s hand.

“We thanked him profusely.” Ella said, a warmth spreading through her - she was so happy to be back home with her family.

“Your mother told me she’s on the way but we can get some proper food started. What time is that party of yours?”

“Angela said to arrive at eight o’clock.” Ella said following her father into the kitchen with Sungjin.

“You’re going to be sharing your room, yes?” He said as he pulled out a pot and food from the fridge.

“If that’s ok with you.” Sungjin said stiffly.

“Times have changed since I was courting her mother.”

“Courting?”

“Keep it G Rated.” He said flicking her with water.

“Yes, sir.” Ella said laughing.

“Thank you.” Sungjin said and her father smiled.

“You brought our daughter back to us for the holiday.” Mr. Song said simply.

That night, after dinner with her parents, they headed over to Angela and Ryan’s apartment for the party after again changing into more appropriate clothes.

“You know, it’s weird. But I’m excited to show you off to my friends, especially since my last boyfriend was a piece of shit.” Ella said while she navigated the once all-too familiar neighborhood.

“Show me off?” Sungjin said, trying to eek out a laugh but he was quickly learning Northern Virginia traffic was quite different from traffic in Seoul, and somewhat more terrifying.

“You’re someone who’s important to me and you’re meeting other people that are important to me and that makes me happy, to share that with you and to assure them that you are a good egg.” She said before cursing under her breath as someone cut her off.

“How much driving are we going to have to do here?” Sungjin asked, eyes locked on the road.

“There is no more car-ridden country than the United States so… a lot.” She said and he gulped. “I know...This is something else.”

“I’ve never heard you curse this much.”

“You should see me when I’m trying to get a printer to cooperate.”

“But I can’t drive here.”

“No, you cannot.” She said as she turned down the right road.

“Promise to return me to Korea in one piece?”

“Yes, besides, when we go into DC we will take the Metro. Driving in DC is worse.”

“It’s worse??” Sungjin said.

“Tiny roads, one way roads, laid out like a wheel rather than a grid, traffic circles, which Americans are so good at driving in...It’s a terror. It’s designed not to be invaded but that also means it’s not conducive for the people who work or leave her to navigate it. Inserting an interstate system in there...oh boy. Then there’s the bike lanes, and their location changes practically every block.” She said as she parked.

“Aren’t you supposed to be an innovative country?”

“Silicon valley, here’s not so innovative. NASA might be the beginning and end of that in terms of government stuff.”

“So now you’re showing me off.” He said as they got out.

“Yes, because you are an incredible man, wonderful boyfriend, and amazingly talented.” She said leaning over to kiss him.

“Do you have a list of all the things you like about me?”

“I thought I already shared that list with you?”

“I might need reminding.”

“Sure you do.” She said, laughing as his hand slipped into hers.

That evening, he found himself enjoying her friend’s company, then he got sucked into a conversation with Ryan he wasn’t expecting.

“How’s the wedding coming?” Sungjin asked, making small talk while he got a beer in the kitchen.

“Honestly, Angela, Ella, and Amanda are the ones who are handling most of it. I don’t have that much time since law school is a beast. We’re having a long engagement, probably won’t get married for another year since we’re still trying to nail down a date at a venue we can afford.”

“Ella mentioned the average wedding in the US is $30,000.”

“And as graduate students, we don’t have that kind of money. Our families and friends are helping.” He said swigging his own drink before focusing on Sungjin.

“Yeah, I know Ella’s been pouring over websites to get information and ideas. Pinterest comes up a lot.”

“Yes, it does. Speaking of weddings, you two have been together for over a year, is Ella going to be the one catching the bouquet?” Ryan asked but Sungjin took another drink before he answered.

“That’s hard to say. Given that I’m a trainee and may debut next year, I won’t be allowed to date much less be married. And Ella keeps emphasizing that she’s so young and there’s no need to rush.”

“She’s always said she won’t get married until she’s finished her PhD, or at least all the coursework and only has the dissertation left.”

“Yeah, but being engaged is ok.” Sungjin said with a wan smile. “How’d you know Angela was the one?”

“I think the beginnings of that feeling are there since the beginning, just an unnameable quality about them. With Ange, it was a lot of how she makes me feel without doing anything. Going to bed with her is better than with anyone else, talking with her, making her smile. I knew I wanted to marry her when we started living together - coming home to our home, to her, a life we shared, was something I looked forward to everyday.”

“I knew he was the one months after he knew… But he makes me better, happier, there’s no one better and I want to share my life with him.” Angela said, a small smirk on her face as she stepped into the kitchen.

“I’m so happy for you two.” Ella said smiling broadly as she stepped in next to Sungjin.

After the party ended, they returned to her family home and went to bed. The next day was spent going to church in the morning and baking in the afternoon. The next day was spent traipsing through and dodging tourists in DC, hitting up the winter highlights including ice skating in the sculpture garden, the holiday market, some of the museums, and after it became dark, they visited the National Christmas Tree, and it’s more traditional brother, the Capitol Christmas tree.

On Tuesday, they were not so busy. The day before Christmas Eve. They met some of her friends for lunch, she showed him around the town again, then they spent the afternoon watching Christmas movies and doing puzzles.

“This pumpkin bread is going to make me fat.” Sungjin whispered as he returned to his seat next to Ella.

“That’s the point.”

“So Princess, I heard that Charles is planning to return to the country next year.” Her mother said in English.

“Yes, he is.” Ella said pointedly. Charles was one of the others on her research team - she knew her mother was trying to trick her into telling Sungjin she was leaving before she was ready.

“And are you planning on taking the GRE again?” She continued.

“Depends,”

“And you know the programs you are interested in?” She pressed.

“Yes, but I’m looking at staying in Korea, teaching English, working with schools.”

“No.” Sungjin said firmly, making Ella jump.

“We can talk later.” Ella whispered to him hurriedly.

“Nothing to talk about, the plan is for you to come back and get your PhD. And I know you’re doing this because of me.” Sungjin whispered harshly.

“You should listen to him.” Her mother said.

“All I am saying is that nothing is currently decided. I’ll keep everyone informed.” She said before angrily popping in the last piece and getting up. “I think we’re out of coke. I’m going out.”

When she came back, she found him on the porch waiting.

“I needed space.” She said as she sat beside him.

“I know.”

“I hope they didn’t treat you badly.”

“I think your parents and I are on the same page.”

“Perfect.”

“So what gives? Why are you planning on changing things?”

“I haven’t decided anything yet but I know I don’t want to leave you.”

“It’s not like I want you to leave, but I know it’s the right decision for your future.”

“Mind sharing that conviction with me?”

“I’m sorry, but I am going to be stubborn about this.”

“I know. I just… want us to stay like this, together, for so much longer.”

“I know one day things are going to change but we should just enjoy what we have now.”

She meant to speak but her throat had closed up as tears dropped into her scarf.

“Come here.” He said pulling her toward him. “I love you, and I’d want to keep you, but I know that won’t make either of us as happy as you getting to fly.”

“Just catch me if I fall.”

“I will.” He said as he kissed her cheek before he made a gagging sound. “Men from Busan aren’t supposed to be this sappy.”

“I won’t tell...” she said laughing.

“I love you, and I believe I’ll love you for as long as I live, so whatever happens we’ll just figure it out.”

“You’re my Christmas wish.”

“Is that a line from one of those movies?”

“Don’t know, but now we need to find you a bow.”

“I’ll be a pretty princess, too.”

“I love you.”

“So let’s go back.”

“Right, thanks…”

“And your parents were just awkward, not rude.”

“Ah well, it runs in the family.” Ella sighed as she slipped her hand into his, taking a moment to feel him with her.

If she’d been more honest, she would have confessed that her Christmas wish was him, but to keep him, have him around, for much longer than she believed she had left.

Christmas eve passed much more smoothly. The points of excitement were mainly going to a midnight church service. Even Christmas day was much smoother than that moment over their puzzle, everyone was on their best behavior. It wasn’t until that night, late, that her mom surprised her in the laundry room while Sungjin was in the shower.

“I know he’s a good boy.” She started, voice cold and arms crossed.

“He’s great, almost perfect, and he makes me feel just about perfect, and he certainly makes me feel perfectly happy.” Ella replied, piling the freshly dried clothes into the hamper.

“He’s not worth throwing away the future you’ve planned. You’re so good at planning.”

“I’m not throwing it away, and plans should change with developments. Look, I will not throw my future away for him but...I don’t want to lose him.”

“You’re not Bonnie and Clyde.”

“I know, we don’t have kind of money.”

“Ella...please...Don’t throw yourself away for a boy again.”

“I didn’t!” Ella cried, louder than she’d intended.

“No, he’s a good kid. He’s good with you and for you but no one is worth losing yourself.”

“I know that.” Ella said - she’d grown tired.

“Ok, please take care of yourself.” Her mother said cupping her cheek. Ella nodded, hugging her mom before heading up to the room.

“I thought you’d beat me.” Sungjin said as he packed his bag.

“I ran into my mom.”

“Oh, everything ok?”

“Yes, but you have no idea how lucky I feel to have you.” She said as she kissed his cheek.

“I feel the same, love you, El.” He said as he kissed her temple.

She couldn’t help thinking that he’d be someone worth throwing herself away for, even he’d let her do that.

#sungjin #song girl #sungjin fan fiction #day6 fan fiction #park sungjin #mine #sunjin fan fic #sungjin fanfic #fan fiction #fan fic #fanfic #day6 fan fic #day6 fanfic #day6

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missjackil · 7 years

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SPN Over The Seasons.

Since the pilot, Ive noticed a pattern emerge. The pilot was different from every season to follow. Very heavy on the folklore monster hunts, brothers bickering, bromancing, meeting other recurring characters, first time disquising as feds and so forth, but this was all the story and character development stage. Any first season of any show, follows a similar pattern and even if you think it should stay that way, it never really does. After S1, Supernatural began a pattern of 2s. S2 and 3 were almost identical in how the stories unfolded, how the brothers interracted and what kind of monsters they hunted. They introduced a home base by exchanging a local library for Bobby’s house. They dont have to spend all their time between cases in the Impala or in crappy motel rooms, and they have a place to study at their convenience. S2 also shows us that the show has a very unserious, goofy side. Tale Tales and Mystery Spot (though Mystery Spot was very sad after the first half) S2 introduced the fact that the boys are not immune to having life ruining events happen to them. Dad sells his soul for Dean, Sam gets possessed by Meg, Sam has to kill his love interest, Dean sells his soul for his brother’s life, we learn that death doesnt mean forever and the Winchesters CAN die but asks the question of “is anyone REALLY ever the same after they come back from the dead?” And now that we have established that Hell exists, and the will of God exists, is Dean actually going to Hell? (intro now to the next set of 2)

Season 4 and 5 were now completely different than seasons before it. Shit starts to get real. First we learn, yes, Hell is a real place and the Winchesters arent immune to that either. We learn time travel is possible, Angels are real and are dicks, God is real, Lucifer is real, and there is a REAL reason why Sam and Dean do what they do. They are part of The Big Picture, the great war between Good and Evil, Destined from the beginning ti fight this battle, between the Archangels and bring on the Appocolypse. We learn Sam, though having strong morals, can be lead to do the unthinable, drink demon blood to supposedly to get revenge on Lilith for sending Dean to Hell, but mostly to show he loses control when Dean is gone that leads to some horrible decisions. Which paralleled Dean losing it when Sam died. We get a recurring Angel and a recurring Demon and we re reminded in the end that not only are the Winchesters willing to do anything to save each other, theyre willing to do anything to save the world, and Sam voluntarily throws himself into Hell to save the world he thinks he ruined. At the end of S5, it leads into S6 with Dean trying to have a life with a woman and kid, and Sam being “different” intro to the next set of 2s. Seasons 6 and 7 are again, different than other seasons. Sam has no soul for half the season, so we learn that sometimes Winchester afflictions might be bad, and also last a while. Dean has a family at home that he willingly leaves to hunt, confirming what Dean always believed, that he cant have a life outside of hunting. We have Bobby who has done more than enough to prove he is family to the boys, and that family really doesnt end with blood, and the Campbells who prove it doesnt start there either. S6 and 7 also had more humor than previous seasons yet adding some real darkness in Sam’s hallucinations and subequent insanity. We also learn that monsters, though deadly can sometimes be kinda comical (leviathans) and big monsters are (can appear) human... Dragons, Eve, Pheonix Alpha Vamps and so on. We lose Bobby in S7 and the boys are back to no home base and staying in random cabins bobby and ruffus had set aside, and very limited lore books to go by. But we also learn that the Word of God is a thing, and there are more Pophets than Chuck .. this leads into Seasons 8 and 9. Seasons 8 and 9 are much different than the seasons before (see the pattern now?) We first learn that though the brothers have this deep abiding twisted codependent love for each other, they are not immune to lying, betraying, and dismissing the others feelings. They fight, they seperate, they lose trust. Both have come to the point of being martycidal (aka suicidal Winchester style) because they believe their brother doesnt need, love, nor trust him anymore. Sam seems to talk Dean off this ledge in Trial and Error, by affirming in him that hes a genious, the best hunter ever, and he wants to take him to the light at the end of this tunnle (I still llove you man!) Sams is more emotional because he’s made so weak and sick through the trials and just lost people he cared about “because of him” but Dean talks him off that ledge by assuring him, in the most heart wrenching way possible, that he (Sam) is the absolute foremost important thing to him in the world and always will be. We also aquire the Bunker, now the boys have a nice comfy home base they can call home and sleep in warm beds when not on hunts. Season 9 shows Dean making some poor (though) necessary decisions when hes seperated from Sam. First one is when Sam is dying and he tricks Sam into letting an angel possess him, and when that goes sideways and they seperate again, Dean accepts the MoC without much question, which proves to be a bad idea. What we learn from these 2 seasons, is that the Winchesters should never be seperated... period, What leads into then next 2, is the MoC AND that secondary characters get their own storylines (bleh) S10 and 11 are different from other seasons. The boys learn that they can “trust” natural enemies (witches and demons) if it suits their needs. Sam learns that sometimes its ok, and necessary to discount a persons wishes unless you are ok with them dying or becoming who they are not, or the safety of the world is in the ballance. Yes folks... respect another persons choices, but only if you are prepared to give up on them if it will destroy them or others..The bros dont seperate anymore though they fight pretty much all through S10 in one way or another. And Sam is willing to go against Deans wishes to leave the MoC alone because something bad will happen, and Sam goes behind his back anyway because he needs his brother and wont live without him (parallel S9 and Gadreel) On the other side, Crowley, Cas, and Rowena all get their own storylines, and it sucks...IMO anyway, if the focus isnt on Sam and Dean it shouldnt be in the show (sorry I had to) but this carries into S12 and I hope it finishes there. S11 has the guys getting along very well all season, enough fighting for crying out loud. But we arent lead into the next 2 seasons, 12 and 13 till the end. The BMoL pop up and Mom is back.

So, needless to say now, that we can say S12 is different, or wonky from the other seasons, we cant deny a patern that has been used since the beginning. Things in this season will lead into S13, which hopefully means there wont be any end in site till at least 15. If the pattern continues.

#supernatural by seasons #my meta

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brokenheartswelcomed · 7 years

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Valentine’s Day.

Last year this time I was getting ready for my big surprise. Honestly a year ago today was the best day of my life so far. I remember everything about that day, that weekend actually.

Bobby liked celebrating month anniversaries, so for the month of February it was a little more special to celebrate Valentines day and our anniversary. We started off by going away for the weekend getting a hotel room with the jacuzzi tub on the room and just wanted to stay in and basically spend time with each other cuddling and well you know...making love. Oh yes, we had amazing sex I'm not going to lie. And supposedly for him too it was great sex as well, no complaints.

We lit candles all around the room and there was roses on the bed and petals in the water. We had got dinner and decided to take it to go to enjoy it in the room as we watched a movie but we just talked really until we were ready to just cuddle. Every time we slept next to each other we slept so well. Like a baby. And he always held me throughout the night and of course id pull away because I like sleeping on my side but he would always follow.

The next morning he took me to my favorite little diner which was also one of my former customers as well. Dandee donuts pompano. We had breakfast there and then drove back down south to my side and thats when he left me at my dads and he went to my moms to get ready and to get my surprise ready.

He wore a grey and pink suit and he had picked out a matching pink dress for me to wear. I got ready at my dads and when he was finally ready like 2 hours later he called me to head over. When I got to the house my instructions were to call before I get out the car and when I did he gave me the okay to go inside but to just count to 10 first before I get out the car after we hung up and that the door was unlocked to come in the house.

When I opened the door I wanted to cry. He decorated the house from top to bottom with balloons and roses and candles and lights and teddies and other cute things. And there he was on the ground posed off with a rose in his mouth. He even had my sister on FaceTime so she can see my reaction. It was the sweetest thing ever and no one has ever done anything like that before. It was like something you see in pictures that everyone wants but can never actually get. Not trying to sound cocky but I know at that point everyone was jealous and that we were relationship goals.

I was so very happy and very much in love. Who knew a year later id be in this situation. Miserable and single. I still do love him I cant just stop but day by day its becoming clearer to me that it really is over. I mean he did ask me to still be his valentine this year and I said yeah because i was gonna ask him too but its not like we can actually see each other.

He did message me and say happy valentines day but its just simply not the same because now theres just hate and anger there now and we haven't been talking so the tension is real. It just blows my mind how the best day of my life turned into the worst day of the year for me now. It sucks it really does but like Ive mentioned before fairytales aren't real and I just had to learn that the hard way.

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iwannabewherethepeopleare-blog1 · 7 years

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I think i need to tell the story of coming back to palo alto.

i got a job at philz.

i tried to live with my mom.

my mom screamed at me day in and day out. if i got home late, i had to brush my teeth outside, otherwise it would wake her up. close quarters. and a person who drinks so much caffeine, that sleep becomes like walking on a wire.

i resented palo alto. at one point in new york, i got obsessed with looking at the Facebook pictures of the group from high school that had stuck together. those same girls, who all ate lunch together… were still all eating lunch together. but instead of a bell ringing, it would be like “let’s do lunch!”

lunch girls. brunch girls. girls with rings. girls getting drunk. girls getting engaged. versions of the dresses i saw my fellow artists wear in bushwick, but the best versions of them. stripes that cost a lot of money.

and i used Facebook for entertainment, giving myself a star of my Facebook. the girl i’d look at the most. one time i wrote a message to her, saying it looked like she was so enjoying herself, and i sincerely meant it… but i think she DE FRIENDED me after that.

i have been a creepy girl.

it’s when you lock yourself in. its when you don’t let yourself out. and then you must peer around corners, to find some connection. its when you go to yoga all the time, and decide that most of your relationships must happen from far away.

because you are afraid to be fulfilled. so you skirt around the edges. and eat and eat to satisfy the mouth, but never the belly. you can’t even feel your belly. you were molested and never dealt with it. so parts of your body, have been lost.

i was supposed to be writing the story of palo alto. of coming back.

i remember when my dad told me that i should come back. we had a good cell phone connection. i was standing in a fed ex, crying, luckily not wearing my catering outfit ( a suit) and that was partially why i was in the fed ex. “emily, you aren’t in your suit, you’re late. i’m going to have to ask you to leave.” he wasn’t saying “Emily” because he knew me. he was saying “Emily” because he had a clip board. and my name was on that clip board. the one without a check mark.

and i was the caterer who didn’t wear make up and didn’t eat the food at the end of the night and never really understood which side to pull the plate from.

i desperately wanted to dance with the guests.

midtown felt smokey. because i had gotten a massage from bobby and he was making paleo bread and it was burning in the oven. and i breathed in the fumes and felt the touch of this man who had grown up without a father. i miss him. the intensity he had for being alive. the way his eyes would squint. but he had secrets. only a person with secrets knows if someone has secrets.

i did my best to not. i lived my whole life out in the open. i didn’t even have a door, and at one point i didn’t have a bed. and at another point i didn’t have a room. and then i barely had my brain. i was a secret eater. in new york, its easy to be a secret eater. and it was the way i lived my life. a little quest to a small bit of froyo. a little quest to the garbanzo chips. a little quest to the spirilina millet. i treated myself like a little dog.

in my brain, i had my one woman show. a series of monologues that put my “love life” out on display. it was an exercise in exploiting myself. i was not interested in showing myself as a beautiful, self assured, person. i was more interested in just showing myself. and back then, that meant make fun of myself.

i am supposed to be talking about coming back to palo alto.

there were flowers.

everywhere.

flowers in the garden. flowers in my room. flowers in paintings.

there were suicides.

i walked in the heat of the summer and i wore black and i had dandruff and my face felt oily and my joints hurt.

i got a job at five in the morning at yoga source.

in exchange for class.

“I LOVE YOGA” yeah right. yoga was hurting me. my back could bend and bend and bend i felt as though i was going to break in half.

i had no strength. only felxabilty. and i wobbled around like a newborn giraffe with a stomach full of air or water or caffeinated drinks.

i was obsessed with caffeine.

i ran down the street while leaving a message for amelia, my heart was racing. this was a panic attack. i thought i was going to die, my heart was out of control.

there were times meditation when i just wish my heart would stop. and it could all just end. i needed carbs. i needed oatmeal. i needed sweet potatoes.

i crunched carrots maniacally

and my dad filled the fridge with carrots. he smiled and laughed

and it felt like he bought me cartons of cigarettes.

he drank big glasses of vodka and watched tv while sitting up straight on an office chair.

i did a video interview for Philz. stupid little improv skills, i could have been singing “oh mr sun, sun, mister golden sun, please shine down on me!!”

and they called me and i talked the guy about my personality. (?)

and then i had a meeting. and talked about my personality.

and then i had another meeting and talked more about my personality.

and then i was hired. and then they started talking to me about coffee. and as it turns out. i suck at making coffee. especially in high pressure environments.

there was a guy named gabe, who came in once, i knew him from high school. and my hair was in a bun. and he smiled, like he wanted me to see how he was so great now! and he was so great now! told me to stop by the hotel where he works…. “just to come by??” i said. knocking down what i should have been floating around saying yes to.

but i was in no place to say yes to partying at a hotel.

if you had given me a drink back then, i probably would have walked straight to the train tracks, all the while contemplating death. but not having that thing inside me that could actually make me do it.

death was a refreshing thought back then. that i could just die. and not have to deal with this starting over, thing. that i could just die. and people would say, oh that emily….

the thing is. new york. if you don’t “make it” if you leave. you failed.

you failed big time. and if u have the palo alto personality of achieve achieve achieve achieve show me what you have achieved. tell me what you are trying to achieve. and then you leave new york.

you need a therapist.

so i found jeff. the same therapist i went to when i was seventeen and had adopted an eating disorder called “chewing and spitting” because thats what you do. you chew up food and then you spit it out. and hopefully you have a disposal in your sink, well hopefully you never do this. so this guy jeff “helped” me way back then. but then i just started eating a ton of vegetables and things with no calories and started the farting problem.

this was the therapist i decided to go back to.

that first day i cried and cried and cried and he basically told me that my mom sucks and that i need to get away from her. so i moved out of my mom’s and into claudia’s.

claudia’s son picked me up. i had put all my stuff out on the lawn. bags of clothes. when you hate your body, clothes are the bane of your existence. everything’s point was just to hide my balloon belly.

and its so confusing when you do so much yoga, because people are always saying stuff to you. about your flexibility or whatever. but u know… you don’t completely look the part.

i realize i am being cruel to my past self right now.

but you must know, i am being very good to my present self, because there is a wonderful sense of catharsis while writing this. and these are the facts. i am not glittering up or sanding down anything.

when the guy at philz called me in for a meeting, he told me that he had witnessed his friend being killed in a bar. and he also told me that perhaps i am not cut out to make coffee at philz, since i couldn’t even remember the words “sweet and creamy.”

i had an interview at equinox. for the kids club. the people were sooooooo excited there. that girl courtney was jumping out of her face.

my interview was with a man named chris, who didn’t even show me the kids club. he just looked at my face and thought about the shoes he was going to buy as soon as he was done with hiring me.

when i got the job, the girls working there were siting on the little chairs and one of them poured out of that little chair and one of them didn’t and they both had coffees from philz and they both had no idea what to do with me.

so i read to the kids and sang and pretty much just exhausted myself using expression, that had no linear plot. singing this and that. little dance. little books with hard pages that were six pages long. covered in germs.

the whole place was covered in germs.

and i sat there for a few hours at a time. and hated my existence. and then i’d go to therapy and sit in the chair that had so much energy from the people before and then dan came into my life.

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