#the last thing is an out of context joke that i cant be bothered to explain. BUt it's fine

[lunarharp]

uhhh just silly leftover stuff im getting out of the way..movin on..=,=

#witch hat tag #orufrey #get out of the WAY!!! as per my last comic (pls read it) they are now back in Kiss Territory this art is OUTDATED!!!! OLD!!!! #the last thing is an out of context joke that i cant be bothered to explain. BUt it's fine #pls dont blame hiehart for being rude he was drunk..he is only saying he would expect oru to have 4 kids . because it's funny that oru does #ahh i really like the orufrey i've done this month. wheres the COLOUR.... but no i like the comics i like my last few posts and what i do #also aroma candle is from a jdrama about asexuals called Koisenu Futari and that's basically her sister's reaction

[lycanthropicture]

This is a genuine question and I hope it comes off that way because I'm tired and confused. Other than the "We're missing the gay angel", "Misha said the scene was too 'manly' (gay)' (that last one in reference to Dean returning Cas' trenchcoat), the "?no" (which was a joke and taken out of context by people according to the op. they were not upset with Jensen in the slightest afterward), and the "Destiel is real? Where?" Thing has Jensen been openly and loudly homophobic to fans? Or made the fandom an unsafe environment for them?

I am asking with a genuine interest in furthering my understanding. This isn't to argue. I provided the above because I know about those and 2 are almost a decade or more old while the other has been blown out of proportion by the fandom and the last one is one I don't usually take offense to because it was an offhanded JiBcon thing and I don't think he was truly mad about the fans shirt or be would have continued to talk about it(as he does).

So, yeah, sorry for bothering you, and if this comes off in anyway other than simply curious because it's not meant to be some sort of rebuttal.

post ref 1 | post ref 2 | post ref 3

hi ok so. this is going to be really long because i want to be thorough and not have to get super into this again. sorry if i come across as bitchy, i promise you were very respectful asking this question. i think part of the issue here is that it's genuinely hard to keep track of fandom history, so things get lost and forgotten. you can see someone calling jensen homophobic, and if all the context you have is "jensen isnt as open to talking abt destiel as misha is" it can feel... bitter? and a little shallow? but there's a history and context here that's really something i and a lot of other people were pretty deeply affected by as young lgbt people. so! allow me to explain a little <3

so i dont know if you were in this fandom in like.. 2008-2016ish but truly it was hmm. quite a time to be a young lgbt teen (to be clear i was active on tumblr in spn fandom spaces from around 2012-2017 so ages 12-17ish. im speaking from my own experiences here).

as far as jensen goes. first of all, i want to say that the fact that you were able to list four incidences of this stuff (presumably off the top of your head?) does constitute a pattern of behavior. this isn't something that's been retroactively decided by fans in recent months to be an issue. the predominant attitude among destiel shippers at the time was "we cant ask about destiel because it makes JENSEN uncomfortable." this idea wasn't specific to supernatural, but there was definitely a heavier stigma around asking jensen a destiel question than there was around, say, asking martin freeman a johnlock question (this is just an example please do not crucify me. i had a superwholock blog when i was 13. sue me.) OR even asking misha a destiel question for that matter. to this day people are aware that misha is much more comfortable talking about destiel than jensen is. this is like. collective consciousness type stuff. to be honest, while the topic was banned cons (also very much homophobia but whatever), it probably didn't really need to be because there was such a heavy stigma around it that fans would police each other. if you went to a con and asked about destiel u would be yelled at BY destiel fans for making the actors (jensen, not usually misha) uncomfortable. not even sexual questions. literally just questions like "do u think dean is bi" and stuff like that might get you all kinds of online hate (or booed off stage, but we'll get to that later).

as for jensen's long-lasting pattern of behavior. this stuff ranges from homophobic jokes to microaggressions to becoming actually hostile toward fans at the mention of queerness in proximity to supernatural. this isnt meant to be a "cancel jensen" post. i don't think he's out here like "gay people are living in sin!" or whatever. homophobia isn't always conscious bigotry. sometimes it's the result of unexamined, unchallenged, deeply held beliefs about... gender? sex? masculinity? take your pick. i'm just trying to explain a pattern of behavior here and the effect it had on young lgbt fans at the time, and why people to this day talk/joke abt him being homophobic. i just want to make it clear that the reason people don't give jensen the benefit of the doubt when it comes to situations like the "? no" thing is because it fits into the pattern of outright homophobia that he has (up until very recently) always engaged in. while most of these examples are from years ago, i think it's fair to bring them up considering he's never apologized for or acknowledged any of it. here's just what me and my buddy who was also in spn fandom during this time (thank you, unnamed friend) could think of off the top of our heads, along with the examples you gave. this is by no means a comprehensive list. im just trying to explain that this was indeed a pattern at the time and heavily influenced the way fans talked about LGBT topics and how cishet fans treated LGBT fans both at cons and online.

we're missing the gay angel (2010ish?) gay == unmanly (2012) ? no (signed paper) (2018) destiel is real? where? (2019) brokeback mountain made him not want to do cowboy films? (2009) uncomfortable/mad at the idea of fanfic in 200th episode (2014) mocking misha by.. i just.. just watch this clip. (2016) "this is gonna sound gay, but.." (2011)

So the clip i think really kinda sums all this up is the "don't ruin it for everybody, now" clip from 2013. you can watch it here. it's the perfect encapsulation of how the fans of this show fed directly off of jensen's homophobia. cishet fans treated lgbt fans the exact same way that jensen treated lgbt fans. all this girl gets the chance to say is that she's bisexual, and immediately the audience is grumbling. jensen does nothing to stop these fans. then he acts annoyed with her, brushes her off, and he skips to the next fan. it's rude! it's gross! it makes me cringe and feel really bad for that fan. i'm sorry but it's just homophobia. it's just biphobia.

here's a link to a post i made a while ago talking about my personal experience with spn fandom as a young teen and how it shaped the way i viewed my own queerness. i recommend reading my tags, as well as the conversation that happened in the notes of that post. highlights are "i essentially became immersed in a space dominated by people who pushed this really fucked up anti-queer rhetoric that the cast/crew both helped to create and enable," as well as, "we were queer kids being told not to bring up queerness because it makes people uncomfortable"

#tw homophobia #i hope you found this helpful! #i know it's hard to find a lot of this info unless you know people who remember it #and therefore know what exactly to look for #again sorry about the quite frankly ridiculous length of this #phin.ask #drgarth

[souryogurt64]

do u think peteky happened

This is a draft of an outtake from the "Stay Gold" essay, I ultimately took it out because I felt like no one was going to believe me or take it seriously and wouldn't even bother to read it and think I was crazy, and it would destroy the credibility of what I said about SE Hinton and Robert Frost, which is what I wanted to write about anyway. Also explaining the Wentz-Heychris-Mikeyway thing with enough sources for anyone to take seriously would've taken several pages and have very little to do with the main "Stay Gold" thesis, and the essay was already over ten pages, so I just decided to skip it and cut to the chase.

I might bring it into the queer lit essay though.

Anyway, none of this ever made it into any of the primers I read growing up and I was really surprised because:

Shortly after visiting Way in Los Angeles, Hey Chris made a LiveJournal post stating that, "I'm at a crossroads and decisions need to be made. Life altering ones. Sometimes you cant repress even the darkest urges. I never should have come to this town." posted shortly after he deleted the post containing the photos of him and Mikey (linked in the primers). In this post, he accused his followers of being "insensitive assholes," sarcastically calling them "so supportive," and that he'd "remind himself of this the next time [he] felt like being vulnerable." The 295 comments of this post seem to clearly indicate the deleted post was a coming-out announcement. Afterwards, Hey Chris was so upset he threatened to delete his entire LiveJournal, stating "its not worth it anymore and its not worth the drama and animosity aimed towards a wonderful boy I love to kiss," though he did not follow through on this threat.

Again, no idea how this has never permeated into the general knowledge of bandom circa 2010s-2020s. 

The general consensus of the comments under the last two posts were "omg dude great joke I know you're not actually a fag."

Also, I noticed that shortly after this, someone with the handle "Petur" made an Urban Dictionary entry for Hey Chris saying he was most well-known for outing Mikey Way, trash-talking Pete Wentz, and doing hair. This was the only entry that user ever made. I found this odd because 1) Hey Chris had recently gotten a book deal 2) He had recently gained a lot of notoriety because of the nudes-- Perez Hilton had even said the nudes might've been his fault and 3) The hair thing was less well-known, though it wasn't really unknown.

Because of those reasons, the handle, and the fact that it's generally pretty known Pete liked/likes to run his mouth and creep around on the internet under various accounts (There was even a celebrity blind item saying he wrote fanfiction once), I think there's a solid argument to be made that Pete wrote the Urban Dictionary entry. Pete would have known Chris didn't leak the nudes, Pete would've known Chris did hair as a day job, he would've been too bitter and angry to mention the book deal, and he would've cared a lot about the Mikey Way thing. Also, it's a small sample, but the typing style isn't unlike his. I'm not 100% sure but I'm confident enough to suggest it.

Anyway, I thought this was all really interesting and not really talked about (seriously, anyway) in a whole lot in any primers. It also lends a lot to the Pete/Mikey thing given the broader context of the situation

#so many people respond to my tumblr posts like omg do you have a source for this you liar????? #like bestie check the 50+ sources i linked #the worst offender for this is the pete and ryan post #i knew people were gonna argue with me so i linked 46 sources or something and PEOPLE STILL ASKED

[violet-knox]

Imagine getting a panic attack in the middle of Potion’s class with Professor Snape

Request: Could you you do a Snape x Reader fic where someone fucks up in his class and it just caught him on a bad day so that launches him on a rampage and he's just chewing this kid out, like really screaming about how incompetent they are when on the other side of the class reader starts having a massive panic attack. Like full on shaking and loudly hyperventilating and she just cant get up to leave cause she's frozen with fear and Snape sees this and is like oh shit I fucked up. Eventually the student just leaves the class not even asking first. Just runs out and doesn't return, leaving him feeling horrible until the student finally returns to class a few days later and he apologizes. 

Word Count: 1689

A/N: Thank you @aquananner24 for the request! I hope you enjoy! Also, as mentioned previously, I don’t do romantic or platonic student/teacher relationships so this is NOT a pairing. I also changed the plot a bit and I also made the reader a Hufflepuff, but the idea is still the same. Also also, thought I’d try something a little different this time so this is mostly in Sev’s POV written in third person. 

- Preposterous was the only word that could truly sum up this year’s events. How could Dumbledore pick this buffoon over him to teach Defense? All these years he’d been passed over on the position, he’d watched Professor after Professor fail at their post but this had to be the biggest insult yet. Severus had actually ‘taught’ (and he had to use that word loosely) this idiot prancing around as if he was some heroic Wizard to be praised for deeds he likely never had a hand in completing. 

- Gilderoy Lockhart. What a joke and perhaps that’s what this was; a practical joke the Headmaster had decided to play to see how many of Severus’ buttons he could press. It was bad enough the Dark Lord’s return had almost come to pass last year, but this- petrified students and a reopening of the Chamber of Secrets, had Severus truly believing the mere presence of the Potter boy to be a menace to the school. 

- Already the school had broken into chaos and he wasn’t sure if he would live to see the boy’s graduation at this rate, the school sure to explode from the destruction he brought with him before then. It was a shame the boy hadn’t been sorted into Slytherin, else all of this would likely have been avoided with him back with that wench Petunia after his inevitable expulsion. 

- Despite it all, Severus had still managed to fulfill his job as Potions Master, teaching those ungrateful ingrates and keep the storeroom stocked in the infirmary. But would one day break from the chaos really be too much to ask? Just 24 hours of peace was all he wanted.

- “Put away your wands and have your quills ready,” he said as he burst through the Potion’s classroom, billowing his way to the front of the room. At least the boy wasn’t in his morning class, at least he could be granted some sort of serenity teaching his Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students. 

- Well, that’s what he’d thought before stepping into a classroom full of nothing but gossip passed from one student to the next. Rumours always seemed to spread so easily through the castle walls but why this? Of all the ridiculous theories they could have come up with students had somehow convinced himself that Potter was the descendant of Slytherin himself. The mere thought of his father having any sort of relation to a man that founded this great school was repulsive enough to put him in an even worse mood than he was in these last few weeks.

- “Have you gone deaf or are you simply incapable of following the simplest of instructions Miss. Lovegood?” He hadn’t even bothered to spin around as he spotted the girl with the latest edition of the Quibbler in her hand in the corner of his eye. With one foul swoop he finished writing out the instructions for today’s potion before whipping out his wand and vanishing the Magazine from her hand. “Quills out! I won’t ask a second time!”

- He normally didn’t mind the girl’s absurd theories, so long as they remained just that, simple unfounded theories, but it seemed as though today she’d decided to approach things a little different. The class had barely begun brewing their potions when he heard mention of moon frogs coming from Lovegood’s direction.

- “Despite your clear interest in fiction over the study of a perfected science, I still expect you able enough to remove your head from the cloud of your imagination for two hours and learn something useful! Or perhaps you find stories of fairytail creatures fascinating enough that you believe spewing this nonsense would earn you a passing grade in my class. Should I call Hagrid or perhaps the ministry to investigate this seemingly newfound knowledge you’ve discovered?”

- Severus felt himself letting go of his frustrations, taking it all out on this girl who really hadn’t done anything to deserve such a scolding. Sure, she was quirky and odd, but when had that ever been a crime? If it was, he certainly would have been guilty of it at her age and if anyone were to see what he’d done with the spare bedroom in his house without context, filling it with all those jars full of animal parts, they certainly would have freak out at the very least. 

- Still he continued to batter her, regrettable words spilling out of his mouth and the more they bounced off her, the more irritable he became. And despite his harsh words, the girl simply sat there batting her eyes as if his comments were nothing more than passing criticism. 

- He was normally so observant, always aware of his students and their display of idiocy, but in this moment of rage and outburst, he’d let himself go. He’d forgotten for a moment where he stood and neglected to realize one of his Hufflepuffs beginning to hyperventilate as he continued lecturing Miss. Moon-Frogs on her inability to attach herself to the real world. 

- “What is the meaning of this?” He snapped as he stepped towards the Hufflepuff sitting in the farthest corner of the room. She was tearing up, crying as if she’d just watched him rip out her puppy’s heart and he couldn’t fathom what could have possibly warranted such a reaction when the entire class was doing nothing but watch his outburst the last few minutes.

- He tried to shift his attention to her, but the second he turned in her direction, she’d sprung up from her seat as though if he got any closer to her, she’d instantly retract Dragon Pox. He watched her tremble and stumble over herself as she struggled to see through her tears and sprint out the door.

- He froze a moment, taken a bit by surprise. After all these years of sarcastic comments and strict mannerisms, never had one of his student’s walked out of his class before. 

- “Get back to work,” he blurted out as he made his way to the door, running after her. “I expect all your potions to be near completion when I return.” 

- He didn’t have to travel very far before catching up with her, finding her bundled on the floor into a ball as she hugged her knees, sobbing with her head hung low. Examining her shacking body and trembling hands, he began to feel a sense of familiarity as he realized she’d had a panic attack during class, likely triggered by something. It only took him a short moment to fit all the pieces together and realized that he’d been the cause of this. This girl’s current state was his own doing.

- Guilt seeped into his chest as he recalled his own past traumas. How he’d used to wake up in the middle of the night, shacking from the reoccurring night terrors that had only passed after he’d worked relentlessly night after night and strengthened the Sleepless Dream Potion. 

- Approaching her slowly, he kept a safe distance as he lowered himself, kneeling on the stone floor, trying to think of any way he could possibly repent his mistakes. 

- “Miss. (Y/L/N),” he spoke softly, careful not to worsen the situation. Closing his eyes, he thought back to his own time huddled into a corner as she had done now and spoke the words he’d hoped someone had said to him at that time. “I apologize for my behaviour. I should not have lost my composure as I did, and I apologize for that.”

- Pausing, he let out a gentle sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair and swiftly stood to quickly make his way back to his classroom.

- You’d only heard the faint echo of his footsteps as he walked away from you, surprised at the fact he’d left you alone when you’d fully expected him to throw some of those nasty comments he was handing Loony Lovegood your way. Your mind went blank as you sat there in silence, ridding you of the old memories your Professor had raised.

- His sudden calmness had somehow snapped you back to reality as thoughts of curiosity overwhelmed you instead. You hugged your knees closer to your chest while you watched through the corner of your eyes as he returned to you, kneeling before you like he’d previously done. 

- “Calming Draught,” he stated, and you heard the sound of a glass vial placed on the stone floor beside you. “And Sleepless Dream if you find yourself up tonight.”

- He placed the second vial beside the first as he sat there watching her peer down at his offering. Her tears had stopped but it was clear she was not yet prepared to return to class.  

- Deciding the best thing for her was to give her time, he prepared himself to head back into the classroom without her, taking one last glance at the girl before speaking once more. “When you’re ready, I trust you can find your way to your Head of House. When you see her, hand her this.”

- And with that, he slid a small folded note towards her containing the explanation for her state, her Potions Professor taking complete responsibility for the situation and mention of excusing the rest of the day’s classes. He swiftly made his way back to his classroom, looking back to see her slowly reach out for the Calming Draught, secretly content he hadn’t completely failed his duties as a Professor. 

- Severus was careful from that day on with his temper, taking a small sip of Calming Draught before class if he ever found that bubble in his gut about to burst again. And by the looks of how this year was turning out, he was likely to need a lot more of it if he wanted to get through the year without poisoning a certain irritable Professor. Then again, would the world really miss another failed Defense Professor if he was to be replaced again next year?

@marvelschriss​ @bush-viper-cutie​

#professor snape #pro snape #reader insert #student reader #snape community #snapedom #snape imagine #severus snape #my fic #my writing #snape fic #hufflepuff reader #female reader

[cupidlakes]

honestly i’ve been really annoyed with how george has been being treated from quackity’s text messages and the picture frames to today’s stream. i’m glad that dream team were able to move past the problem during the beginning of the stream, but i have a feeling that it’ll recur.

and, as much as dnf makes me happy, it always seems like it’s used as content. for me, it’s getting difficult to see the genuinity of dream and george’s friendship when dream does fanservice.

do you know what’s literally funny is yesterday i was rewatching georges mcc 8 hour livestream being like, i’m glad the dream team have never had a moment as public as that since then

and then whatever that happened last night happened and i feel like they really need to work on trusting eachother and actually sort their issues out privately instead of doing it very publically on stream and then just going back to normal because it feels like the problems are still there

don’t get me wrong it was probably for the best that they were able to get back to being amicable and had fun in karls jackbox stream but i cant forget how tense and real it all was just moments before and i want them to...actually talk this one out in private if they havent bc it will happen again if they don’t

it felt like this was frustration that has been building for a while and they just blew up

as a viewer it was very uncomfortable to watch but i’ve been liking george sticking up for himself more lately and it definitely is incredibly frustrating to see people not take him and his feelings seriously hes the butt of everyone’s jokes/recipient of their bullying and when he goes okay seriously i don’t like this bit anymore they just ignore it because it’s just Gogy gogy will get over it right? like no and do i even blame how stubborn he gets when people take ages to figure out he doesn’t like something anymore because they just don’t care and they think he’s being a baby when actually that’s a completely normal reaction

like seriously good for him for telling sapnap that the way he attacks him literally every time he’s on is unnecessary and annoying but sapnap took it personally with dream siding with george and i just know that’s a sore spot for him and they need to talk about this because you’re right it will recur especially with how sapnap has felt emboldened with the dnf jokes

and honestly personally i don’t fully know how to feel about the dnf bait it’s bait of course i find it funny when it’s not too in your face and for me there’s something about how...at least they’re not scared to bring it up is what makes me happy and ensures me that their relationship is still fine

like george laughing at “kiss george” and not being uncomfortable? like literally all that matters to me is his/their comfort and if they wanna make dnf jokes sure go for it maybe be the tiniest bit more subtle though good for everyone for calling out the pandering lol

(dnf jokes in a joking context by the way not what sapnap was doing because he genuinely went to it as a personal attack)

and hey all the things that make their relationship sweet and special are still there check out dream killing sapnap like 100 times yesterday for bothering george i don’t buy the “it’s because you have nothing and it’s funny” i know he said that because he doesn’t wanna be accused of favouritism and just generally how he treats george differently from everyone else

and also how dream took away georges kingmanship because george said he didn’t wanna to do plot and lore

they’re still them everyone’s just hyper aware of their relationship now because of and i’ll say it again, the fanfic brainrot

#asks #but that’s just a theory #long post #reading too much into minecraft men’s friendships because i’m actually jobless #really though i just care about them and i wanna see them be okay and not have to see this unfold again #every friendship group has their issues

[lucidpantone]

I really hate the crew of wtfock for what they did to me. I was such a fan of the show since s1, I found happiness in every clips, every posts on insta, I found amazing people on tumblr, twitter, but everything went downhill in s4, I could not accept Kato as a main, I'm a proud black girl and this season broke my heart to the max. The inexcusable racism, the hidden hate towards POCs on social medias, the silencing voices... I even started to dislike some actors for being friends with Romi when she was the one who accepted to take away the role of a POC, to accept to play a racist girl and have discriminatory behaviour in 2020 of all that, and to even joke on her insta just because her friend said it was ok and she didn't even apologise when we called her out for it. Yeah they ruined my happiness and I can't even be happy when I see a wtfock post now. To even have Nora do a live and defend the season, saying that it's a prejudice based one ? Hurts me so much. And not even one excuses coming from the crew, nothing, it hurts deeply. I can't even enjoy anymore the beautiful fanfics that the fandom write. I read every zoenne and sobbe fics but now I don't even bother checking if there is new fic. I hate them for taking my happiness off me. They're starting to go downhill too with the lack of insta posts from their characters and only die hard fans of sobbe are here now let's be honest. Yasmina's season can't be saved if there is still Kato but a glimpse of sobbe will make the fandom shut up and they know it. It's sad and I'm so upset about it. Sorry for the rant but I so badly wanted to talk.

This is insanely long but these words are for my anon

Oh dear.....well am happy you told me and the looney tunes. I can’t say I blame you because s4 is so toxic and cruel on so many levels. You know some people will say its just a show “let it go” but I think what people don’t realize is what this show that you clearly loved tells you about the world at large. That even shows, brands, movements and celebrities can harbor questionable morality towards issues of race. S4 ended up being an exercise in showing [us/the audience] how morally corrupt the bosses of wtfock truly are and how at end of the day all those black boxes on instagram mean nothing when it comes to money. Because guess what? Platforming racist ideology does have a price and wtfock made it very clear that they got paid. Look am gonna tell you something that my anons have been saying in a coded way but havent said directly but lets just put it all on the table. 

S4 when Romi took the role it was not pitched as a season exploring interracial relationships or white privilege. It was never meant to be that. So Romi had no way in knowing what it would turn into. After the premiere night production panicked because they saw everyones disappointment towards the main(it should have been Moyo & everyone knows it even they do now) and took a hard left. Noa was meant to be Romi’s co-star but it was never meant to have all these racial undertones or not as extreme. The reason the script changed is because wtfock wanted to keep this whole “small engine that could” rapport going that they literally made the last minute call to try to tackle race relations. I mean to you and I we are probably like are these people for real? They are just gonna try to tackle race and white privilege as a story arc without having done the sufficient research and or had the man power in the writing room concerning writers with lived experienced on the topic. Yea, they did that. So anyways they “just decided” on a whim to tackle race *facepalm*. Now that decision in itself is an embodiment of white privilege. A bunch of white dudes wanted woke points and thought “race” yea we can totally do that topic unprepared. Hence why episode 2/3 were so damn repetitive and also literally made no sense. Am sure they pitched this to Romi as some super intellectual and thoughtful narrative that would hold deeper meaning. So I am not defending her instagram actions but I want to give her situation a bit of context. Also am pretty sure she tried to tell us in a round about way. Her insta post was just a display in lacking any awareness towards the importance and pain of BLM because she obviously just lacks race education or common sense but she is a 22 year old brand model so am not really looking for her to set an example. To me wtfock became in some weird way so high on fandom validation that they were egotistical enough to think they could try to tackle this insanely complex topic on a whim and with a 1st time screenwriter at that. S4 was doomed to fail from the start because it was a literal embodiment of unconscious bias that then turned into conscious bias because at one point they knew it was terrible while filming but they were too deep in to pull the plug. You are so in your right to be upset at them because to me the most hurtful thing is that THEY KNOW IT WAS BAD and they won’t address it and now they are going to use their token queer couple to try and fix this. Leave the gays out of it. You can’t fix racism with queerness it doesn’t work that way buddy(am looking at you Rutgers) especially for those who are part of both parties. Do I think a large part of the fan base will “forgive” wtfock for what they did? Probably, but its weird since technically wtfock should be asking their fans who are poc for forgiveness above anyone else. I guess I am not as pissy about the whole situation because am either cynical or emotionally numb to this type of fuckery. I would say concerning the cast and the crew it really isnt their fault. I hear from good sources a lot of them tried to say something and they were shut down. Look if you cant let this go then try to find some semblance of resolve over this. You’re allowed to be mad but at the same time this is the world we live in and this will happen to you again and again (trust me I speak from experience). I do hope you can try to find some comfort in Zoenne and Sobbe and try not to see the cronies of wtfock in their love stories but if you can’t then pack all their shit up and throw it in the attic. Maybe one day you can reopen that box. Last words of advice, happiness is a moving target because in reality it’s a compilation of moments that continuously mutate to accommodate other moments. So don't let s4 taint what moments you had with wtfock and try to remember the things you loved and if you need to walk then walk away. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now but trust me when I say what you feel is so valid and am so happy you spoke to me about it.

#lucidpantone anons #anon I want to give you a hug so badly

[banalbones]

The Petite Prince: Chapter 8

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Chapter 8: One (1) Breakdown

Summary: Roman is a child. It is now Patton’s turn to look after him.

Words: 2150

Ships: Familial everything, except roceit. Eventual familial roceit

Genre: Fluff with a side dose of angst

Warnings: A few swears, mention of the words ‘sexual innuendo’ tell me if there’s any more!

Taglist: @pricklyfish777 @sunflowerblondeuwu @itriedandimtired @draw-your-perfect-world @cemmy @battlebunnyteardropsinthesun @nonbinary-lizard-2 @fanforeveruniverse @i-cant-find-a-good-username @gabe-killed-me-with-ace-cream @7-slights-at-virgil @crazydemigod666 @tryingtobts

__________________________

Is everything about to go to shit?

How did you know.

__________________________

I’ve said too much!

Roman would have thought, if he were his usual age. But alas, he is not, and so the small prince just wanted a hug.

Plus, hugs usually made people happy!

And I made Mama sad! He was the only not-sad person! He needs a hug now.

And so the little prince snuggled closer to Logan’s chest.

Then he felt a tug.

Thomathy!

Logan, it seemed, had also felt the tug. He frowned.

“Roman, I may have to leave quite soon. Is there anyone you would like to stay with while I’m gone?”

The prince’s brows furrowed as he thought about the question.

“ReeRee?”

“I’m afraid he is already with Thomas.”

Who else was there?

“I d’kno…”

_______________________

Logan sighed. He would have to choose for the royal.

Virgil had told him of the conversation he and Roman had had the night before. It wasn’t an optimal situation, but it wasn’t as if he could get the prince to choose between going to Patton or Janus.

The two who had hurt him the most.

But Remy wasn’t here, and Orange…

He would go with Patton.

“How about Patton?”

The princely side’s face bore a pained expression, before immediately switching to a relatively happy one.

“Ya!”

Logan stood up, hugging the prince to his chest.

“Off we go.”

_________________

Patton was in his room, attempting to make himself some eggs and bacon for breakfast. As the only thing he could make well were brownies, it came out burnt.

Even the egg, somehow.

The moral side dumped the ‘breakfast’ into a bin, before clapping his hands together and summoning some edible food.

I really don’t know why people think I can cook decently…

I can only bake-on brownies!

___________________

Holy shit.

Get it? Like bacon?

We got it.

Egg-celent!

Oh my…

___________________

Patton had just gotten a text from Logan that he would have to look after Roman while he and Virgil looked after Thomas.

The moral side really couldn’t afford to mess this up.

Especially after seeing Remus’s reaction to how the whole situation went down.

The Duke had stayed silent for a moment, before sprouting tentacles and storming off, destroying almost everything in his path and shoving the other sides out of his room.

You could hear him screeching through the walls.

It was lucky that Roman had left when he did.

I don’t want to think about that. So, how will I decorate my room for Roman?

Ah, repression. A very useful tool, even when it shouldn’t be used.

Patton had been preparing an apology speech for the little prince after being thrown out of Remus’s room, in true princey fashion, and with this new opportunity, it would be the perfect time to put it to use.

Even though Patton wasn’t entirely sure how he would apologize to a fifteen month old child.

He’d figure it out.

________________________

Roman clung tightly to Logan’s neck. Falling off of his shoulders would be bad. Just like sad! But more hurt-y.

Roman didn’t really like hurt-y-ness.

He also didn’t like having to stay with Patton, but Mama said that he had to and the prince really wasn’t bothered to protest. Protesting would have made Mama sad, anyway.

The small royal decided not to think about how sad Da-Patton had made him.

Will he have brownies? He had brownies yesterday. Brownies are good…

“Little one?”

Roman giggled at the nickname.

“We’re here. Would you like a hug before I go?”

“Ya!”

And so the logical side lifted Roman from his shoulders and swung him around through the air. The prince squealed as Logan then raised him above his head.

“Simba!”

And with that the petite prince exploded with giggles, letting out a small roar.

Logan let out a sigh of relief.

Roman then hugged the logical side’s neck.

“Bye Mama!”

It was safe to say that the miniature monarch was feeling a lot happier now.

_____________________

Janus had been dealing with intrusive thoughts since his last ‘interaction’ with Remus.

The one ‘person’ he thought would always be by his side.

It wasn’t annoying at all.

For that’s all they were, annoying. Being forced to live with Remus for over twenty years gets you used to these sort of things.

It was slightly worse though, as usually Remus would scream them at him from the ceiling, instead of sending them through his head. The deceitful side had somehow thought that the Duke couldn’t do that to him.

Janus didn’t even know how Remus had found out about the situation. He was literally the only person who talked to him. Aside from Logan, he supposed.

Only person who willingly talked to him.

And either way, Remus didn’t really like his brother. Why did he care now?

His train of thought was cut off as he heard a ding from his phone. Someone talking to him?

It was Patton.

Frogger: Guess who’s been invited to my room?

Ssssss: Who? And should I care?

Frogger: Ooooohhhhh yeeeeaaaah! You don’t know what happened!

___________________

Patton, while waiting for the princely side to arrive, decided to text Janus. Building up friendship was important!

He explained what happened to Roman, and then sent a few cat videos he found. Janus had seemed confused at those, they were sent kinda out of context.

And then there was a knock at his door.

The moral side leaped to his feet and ran to the door, opening it with little difficulty.

“Hey guys!”

The scene before him was adorable.

The tiny prince cuddled up to Logan’s chest with the logical side smiling softly at him.

Patton wished he had a camera.

“Salutations Patton.”

Roman waved enthusiastically and smiled, the grin not quite reaching his eyes.

The moral side felt a pang of sadness.

“Come on in!”

______________________

Roman was a bit scared.

He knew that Big him said princes shouldn’t be scared, but, the prince reasoned, he was currently not even two.

Patton’s room was cleaner than the last time he had seen it, with a bunch of toys laid out on the couch.

“Hey kiddo! Have you had breakfast yet?”

Roman nodded.

“Okay then! What do you want to do?”

Roman shrugged.

He knew adults hated it when children did that, from Thomas’s past experience, but he couldn’t help it. He really didn’t want to talk to him.

“How about we play with some toys?”

Roman nodded again.

And so for the next twenty minutes, Roman played with some toys, settling into the game and creating a kingdom.

I’m booooored. I wanna play with someone! ReeRee was way more fun!

“Pa- Patton?”

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Play!”

“Play?”

“Play.”

And so for the next twenty minutes, Roman and Patton built up their empire, defeating the dragons and witchs and saving the citizens.

“Attack!”

Roman ‘charged’ forward into the newly created pillow fort, swinging around his inflatable sword.

Then Patton wailed.

“My liege, I’m being controlled by the evil dragon witch! I’m sorry!”

“NOooooOOoOoooOoo!”

Patton held his hands out.

“I’m sorry!”

And then he struck.

Roman giggled uncontrollably as the fatherly side tickled him silly, falling into the fluffy pillows behind him.

A ball of water was unconsciously summoned in his fist.

And suddenly Patton stood, absolutely soaked, with a shocked look on his face.

Oh no… he’s gonna be mad!

…

As it turned out, Patton wasn’t mad. He instead grinned and fell to the ground dramatically.

“I’ve been freed!”

The grin widened as Roman jumped up and hugged him tightly.

Patton hugged him back.

______________________

“Where were you last episode?

Virgil stood in his usual place on the stairs.

Remus was at the TV, a stormy expression on his face.

Well I know that ain’t good.

“Well?” Thomas questioned.

“Why do you need to know?”

Thomas sighed.

To be honest, Virgil didn’t want to tell him.

Why? Oh, just because it was literally because he and Remus were trying to beat Janus(?!?)’s high score in Just Dance.

It was pretty embarrassing.

Thomas had been discussing the wedding and moral dilemmas, had accepted a side, basically destroyed one and Virgil had been hanging with Remus, Remus of all sides, playing Just Dance.

Definitely embarrassing.

“We were playing Just Dance!”

The Duke had spoken up for the first time in two minutes. He usually would have made a sexual innuendo and five death jokes by now.

Odd.

“Really? I thought you hated the Duke, Virgil.”

“I do, but I hate the snake more. Needed to beat his score. Hence Just Dance.”

“Janus? How do you even have that? Also, did you beat it?”

“Well-”

And so the conversation continued, with Logan eventually showing up as Thomas asked the question all of them were hoping he wouldn’t.

“Hey guys, I’ve tried summoning him a couple of times already, but he didn’t rise up. Where’s Roman?”

__________________

Why didn’t you want me to know? I could have handled it.

No, you couldn’t have.

You didn’t even know we could play Just Dance.

Speaking of that-

Oh god, here we go.

Can we just continue with the story?

___________________

Roman was having so much fun!

He was still a little appre- app-er-eh-hen-sive, but still!

He and Papa Patton had defeated the evil Dragon Witch and were now drawing. Roman had been ready to use his crayons on the table, but the moral side had managed to get him a piece of paper before it came to that.

Just a little bit there, and some more that here…

It needed more glitter, but it was good enough!

Patton was in the middle of creating his own drawing, a puppy with a crown. Very good, if he didn’t say so.

And then he looked over at Roman’s.

The petite prince had created an oil painting of the fatherly side standing princess style at the bottom of a grand staircase, complete with a glam makeup look and a meticulously styled ball gown.

What the… Holy crackers!

It seemed that while Patton had been focused on his own small piece of paper, the small royal had been summoning tools and colours and had made a masterpiece.

“Kiddo… That’s amazing! How did you do that in fifteen minutes? You deserve a sticker! And what a great idea- putting me in a dress- it’s so creative!”

At that Roman frowned.

“You okay?”

The prince nodded.

“Kiddo?”

“Pe-o-ple never like Big me’s- never like Big me’s ideas.”

He blinked.

Oh.

___________________

Ooooh, shits about to go down.

No shit.

Do you mean ‘no shit Sherlock.’?

Please don’t bring that back.

Too late! ____________________

“I’m sure that’s not true…”

“It is.”

Roman didn’t want to ruin the happy mood, but decided to be blunt. Big him never tried to show he needed help, so he would.

Mama Lo had said that it was okay.

“Big me tries! But no one c- but no one cares!”

The prince was standing now.

“He always comes up- always comes up with big lists o’ ida’s, but no no no! Bad bad bad!”

Roman knew Big him always put on a mask, but it was so hard to keep it all the time!

He was only (not even) two!

He couldn’t deal with that level of stress!

“Mama an’ VeeVee hate them! Big me’s always tryin’ change the ida’s for them! No fair!”

His eyes were glowing.

“An’ you! An’ you…”

There were golden tears streaming down the princely side’s face as he collapsed onto the floor. Surprisingly enough, he seemed older than he had been before. The rant had been good for him.

…

Patton sank down on his knees next to the sobbing royal, who, when he felt the moral side’s hand on his back, stopped crying immediately.

But he needs to cry…

Patton didn’t know what to do. Because for the first time, he realised that Roman needed help. And support. And comfort.

But not for the reasons he had thought.

And so Patton hugged the scaled down side, long and hard.

Screw the speech, this would have to come from the heart.

“I’m sorry Roman. We’ll do better. I’ll do better. I might not understand now, and maybe I never will, but I will do whatever I can to help you. I’ll try. I promise.”

Roman nodded.

But still didn’t cry.

______________________

They spent a few minutes like that.

Roman knew he would have broken down eventually, but he didn’t think it would be now. Or to Patton.

But he felt a lot better.

And so the five year old prince clung tightly to the fatherly side.

There was so much more, but Papa Patton had said that even if he didn’t understand, he’d be there. That had been a reassurance he hadn’t known he needed.

And then there was a knock on the door.

“Can I come in?”

Janus.

______________________

Thank you for reading this extremely late chapter of the Petite Prince! My motivation really waned throughout the past few weeks, so thanks for waiting for this.

I also want to say, Patton being the side Roman first breaks down to was a surprise to me, too. It just felt appropriate in the moment.

I am also feeling kind of iffy with the part after ‘no shit, Sherlock’, the mood just changed completely.

(Also, this may sound odd, but Roman’s eyes are still glowing. It will be relevant!)

#sanders sides #roman really couldn't decide what age he wanted to be #the petite prince #roman sanders #baby roman #virgil sanders #logan sanders #remus sanders #patton sanders #janus sanders #thomas sanders #i am so sorry for the wait #sanders sides fic

[fangirltrash18]

Nothing Lasts Forever (g.d)

A/N- Hola mis amigos! Welcome to my second Grayson fic! I am so excited to write this I literally have jitters haha. I have been sitting around with this idea for like a week and I can’t wait to share it! Hope you all enjoy! 

Warnings- angst, angst, ANGST (also drinking)

Summary- Being best friends with one of the biggest YouTube stars (as well as one of the worlds most eligible bachelors) isn’t as easy as it may seem, especially when you’re secretly in love with them. Through thick and thin you’ve been there for Grayson, but what happens when he falls in love with someone who’s not you? 

Italics=flashback   Normal=present

Have you ever loved someone so much that you would do anything in the world just so they can be happy? Well I have, and it kinda sucks. 

Ok, ok let me give you some context so I don’t sound like a complete selfish bitch. 

Grayson Dolan is my best friend. Yes, the Grayson Dolan. You may know him. Him and his twin, Ethan, are kind of a big deal around YouTube. Anyway, we’ve been glued to the hip since pre school and have grown up together. I got to witness first hand his ride to fame and all his triumphs, on and off the internet. I also witnessed his mental struggles the fame brought, the death of his beloved father, among other things that brought him down. 

Just as I was there for him, he was there for me. Through all my highs and lows, he was right beside me to guide me and be my voice of reason.

The thing with friendships and people is, they grow and become richer with time. They blossom into something so beautiful and amazing that nothing can ever ruin them. 

Or so it feels like. 

It’s funny how within such a small amount of time, you can go from having everything, to nothing. Almost like you’re entire past, present, and future is pulled right out from under you, leaving you with that deep feeling of emptiness. 

That’s how I feel now as I lay on my couch, reminiscing about “the good old days”. 

My vision is blurry from the hours worth of tears and my nose is so raw from all the tissues, it hurts to sniffle. 

It was hard to believe that only hours ago I was as happy as could be. 

“Grayson s-sto-stop!” I laughed and tried to wiggle away from his deadly tickles.

“What’s the magic word?” He asked and continued his harmless assault. I tried several times to get the simple ‘please’ to come out of my mouth but only loud laughs escaped instead.

“G-gray-grayson p-please!”I cried. The moment that word left my mouth the tickle attack stopped. I laid sprawled halfway on the couch while I caught my breathe. Grayson just stared and laughed at my distressed state. “You are an asshole, I hope you know.” I said, only halfway joking. 

“Aw, you know you love me.” He smiled and ruffled my hair. Giggling, I swatted his hand away and stuck my tongue out. It was true, I loved him. But not in the way I was supposed to. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” I mumbled and slid onto the floor next to him. He laughed and nudged my shoulder. “So what do you wanna do tonight?” I asked. He hummed as he thought.

“I don’t know. You want to go see a movie? Or we could just go get sushi.” He suggested. 

“Mmm sushi sounds so good.” I moaned. 

“Okay perfect, sushi it is!” He exclaimed and jumped up. He lowered his arms and helped pull me up from the floor. 

“Cool. I’m going to go home and change. Meet there in like an hour?” 

“Sounds good to me.” He shrugged and walked me to the door. I waved goodbye and hopped into my car. Tonight was going to be a good night, I could feel it. 

I was finally going to do it. I was going to tell him I loved him.

But it wasn’t a good night. Not at all. All plans I had of enjoying a night out with my best friend and confessing my biggest secret were crushed with a single phone call. 

I was ruffling through my closet when I heard my phone ring across the room. I stopped fussing with the clothes and went to see who was calling. It was Grayson. 

I immediately picked it up and answered it.

“Hello?” 

“Hey Y/N/N, um I’m sorry to do this but I have to cancel our sushi plans.” 

“Oh no, what’s going on?” I couldn’t help the ache in my chest hearing him cancel.

“Well I sorta forgot that I promised E I would hang out with him tonight and help him edit since he’s behind before I made plans, and now he’s on my ass.” He sounded distant which was weird, almost as if he was hiding something. But I ignored it and took him for his word. Stupid mistake. 

“Oh, okay don’t worry about it. We can just do it another night.” I said and sat down on the corner of my bed.

“Again, I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s fine Gray, don’t stress about it.” I said trying to not sound disappointed. 

“Thanks Y/N. I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked, his voice hopeful. 

“Of course.” 

“Okay cool, bye Y/N.” 

“Bye Gray.” 

The line went dead and I sat the phone down beside me. I felt a little upset that I wouldn’t be seeing Grayson that night but I understood why he couldn’t come. 

Sighing, I got up from the bed and grabbed a casual dress from the floor where I had thrown it. I slipped it on and put on a little makeup. Just because Grayson couldn’t come, didn’t mean that I couldn’t still go get sushi. 

By the time I had finished getting ready and driving to the restaurant I was starving. 

I felt a little odd sitting alone but in a way it was kind of nice. I didn’t have to worry about what to say next or anything. It was cool just being on a date with myself. I ate in peace and occasionally scrolled through Instagram, just enjoying my time. 

I wasn’t until I heard a familiar voice from the table beside me that I felt uneasy. 

“I’ll take a water, what do you want babe?” It was unmistakably Grayson’s voice. I turned my head to see him sitting with a gorgeous woman who definitely wasn’t Ethan. I felt my chest tighten and my stomach drop.

He lied to me. He canceled on our plans to take another girl out. 

I grabbed my purse and threw a $50 bill on the table, knowing that that would cover it and leave a handsome tip. I stood up slowly and began walking to the door as casually as possible. 

I kept my head down and my strides long and somewhat quick. Thankfully I got to the entrance without notice. I turned to look at him and his date but caught his eye instead. His face paled and his shoulders tended. I just looked at him and shrugged, not really knowing what else to do, before I opened the door and left. 

As soon as I was outside I couldn’t help the tears that came. I covered my mouth, trying to quiet the sobs that jolted my body. 

“Y/N!” Grayson’s voice called from behind me. Instead of acknowledging him I just sped up. I could tell he was running to catch up which only made me speed up my pace. “Y/N, wait please.” I felt his hand grab onto my shirt to stop me. 

Anger boiled in veins and what happened next shocked both of us.

“Grayson just stop!” I yelled and pulled away from him. “You lied to me! Why couldn’t you have just told me the truth and saved me a little less heartbreak?” Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I waited for him to answer.

“I’m sorry Y/N.” He whispered. I scoffed and shook my head. 

“Bull shit Grayson. You should have just told me the truth. You didn’t want to hang out tonight because you had a date. I get it Gray, you got other priorities, that’s fine. You just shouldn’t have lied to me about them.” His eyes held so much guilt it made my heart ache for him, but at the same time it made me even angrier. “And you wanna know something?” I asked, wanting to finally free myself of all my pent up emotions. He looked at me almost as if he knew what I was about to say. “I was going to tell you I loved you tonight.” I whispered, the anger giving way to more sadness. 

“Y/N... I cant. I’m in love with someone else.” I looked away from him and tried to stop the tears. “But you’re my best friend Y/N and I-”

“Gray please, don’t do that.” I said and sniffled. He sighed and took a step closer. He wrapped me in his arms and hugged me close. But it wasn’t the kind of hug I wanted. It was an ‘I’m sorry for you’ hug. One that told me everything I needed to know. I was and always would be considered just a friend.

I forced myself away from his embrace and lightly pushed him away. 

“I’m going to go Gray.” I whispered, knowing that after I left nothing was going to be the same between us again. 

“Okay.” He said and looked down at my pathetic state. 

“Have fun.” I turned around and walked off with the knowing that I just lost my best friend. 

Now I’m here, on my couch polishing off a bottle of cheap vodka, tear stained cheeks and tissues littering the floor. I know I over reacted and I hate myself for being so stupid. I screwed up the best thing in my life and there’s no way I’ll be able to get that back. Not with the way I acted. More sobs leave my mouth as I pondered on the thought. 

My phone buzzes next to me on the coffee table. I know it’s Grayson calling for the millionth time so I don’t even bother to look at it. I can’t talk to him tonight. Especially with how much alcohol I’ve had over the past few hours. 

It’s a bad habit I’ve always had, drinking to numb the pain. Grayson was always there to help curve the urge and break the habit. But now he’s the reason I’m shit faced. 

I know I shouldn’t be mad, but I am. I’m a mad, jealous mess and there’s nothing I can do about it. Sure I could bottle it all up and go apologize, but I’d still have to endure seeing him be happy with the girl he loved. 

I should have seen thins coming, should have expected it. But I was too wrapped up in my own fantasy that I was blind to notice my best friend fall for someone else. I was blind to all the times he would check his phone when I was around him. I was blind to how he would want to do things less and less. Blind to how “busy” he’d gotten. 

Like I said, people grow and sometimes not in the way you want them to. Grayson grew away from me and I didn’t even notice until it was too late.

Now, it’s time for me to grow. To confirm to the change that had taken over my life. Nothing lasts forever, it’s all just temporary; experiences to learn from and memories to cherish. 

#grayson dolan imagine #ethan dolan imagine #dolan twins #grayson dolan #ethan dolan #grayson dolan fanfic #ethan dolan fanfic #dolan twins fanfic #angst #dolan tuesday

[no1trash2003]

GCSE is an absolute, inarguable joke.

Recently, contravercy has sprung up about the usefulness of the new spec GCSE. As of June of this year, 2019, I completed my allotted gcse's. I can say with absolute certainty that the exams I partook in were a joke.

Last year, I completed 3 GCSE courses early, English lit, Physics and Biology. My school made a complete mess of this. We learned all of my two science courses within the year, with 3 different qualified teachers (all separately after they fled the school) and 5 supply teachers, none of whom knew anything about the subject. I can say without a doubt that my year was unprepared and suffered the consequences. This, along with how hard the gcse was supposed to be now, resulted in many of my peers not even showing up on the exam day after collapsing under the pressure of preconceived failure. Many of those who tried in the gcse, learning the entirety of the course in their own time in other words, did well.

In other words, it was easy. Well, at least, answering the questions was. After getting their results back many were shocked at their low grade, but as it turns out (and as many of them knew) Mark's were not given on how correct an answer was or how thought out it was. No, Mark's were given entirely based off how many key words you could shove into your 6 marker, or how much flowery bullshit you could beat your english answer with.

Just to put this into context, I didn't try in my y10 GCSE's. I knew for my science GCSE, it was entirely based off memorisation. I knew for my English GCSE I had to spell out the obvious with some pretty words sprinkled on top. I slept in class, I drew for my art GCSE, I did maths- all in my english lessons, and my science lessons which early into the year virtually became free periods.

I went into the exam apathetic. In the holidays that followed, I lost no sleep.

We didn't have a results day, so I called up the school when the y11's got their results. In English lit, I was a few Mark's off a 9, A*. In biology, a 6, B. In physics, 7, A. To put this even more into perspective, I have dyslexia, a learning disability affecting language with which I received no accommodation for in or outside of my exams. I also suffer from auditory memory gaps.

Without a doubt I can say my exams were a joke, simply because of how well I did. My friends, who studied for hours and stressed to the point of it being labelled a disorder, came back with lower grades than me.

They knew the content better than me, without a doubt. Their understanding was deep where mine was shallow. They could recite key words off by heart. They did everything they could to do well in these exams, and were evidently lied to when they were told their efforts would be rewarded.

So, if not depth of understanding or key words separated a 9 from a 6, what does? What reason am I granted the ability of easily sliding by my gcse's when they struggled?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

In the being of the year, I'd taken one look at the mark scheme and known. My results would be completely meaningless. All it took in english, was saying the book or poem i was writing about was shit, fluffing it up with worthless words, and the mark scheme shat out an 8, A*. In my Physics GCSE, all it took was maths to get that 7. I didnt know shit about anything else. In biology, much the same.

I did well because I knew how to bullshit my way through. I knew where to slap a pretty word to seem smart and I knew how to use a calculator to its fullest potential. These skills, unfortunately, have nothing to do with the supposed gcse topic and are not in the spec.

I did better because I could lie better- and no, I didnt bother cheating

How is that not a joke? HOW can something so fickle and abstract decide my future, and the future of my friends? Why does it condemn those that seek knowledge for knowledges sake, and reward those like me, who know well enough that the whole thing was a sham?

This idea was strongly reinforced when I went onto Y11.

It was filled to the brim with more of the same. Shove in some flowery words, say something is a bit shit, do some maths. This time, however, I wanted to test a theory.

What difference would trying make?

There were exams I'd have to try in, like Fine Art and maths, but the rest were just as bullshit as the last year. For example, in chemistry, we had an actual teacher for a grand total of 3 weeks, and the course spec was so basic and boring that a 3 year old could understand it- if, you know, it wasnt overloaded with pointless bullshit to the point of looking to be gibberish. It was like asking someone to memorize a dictionary, and testing them on a small specific section of it that is to be randomly selected. The results would obviously be completely random.

Its easily understood that people are simply better at some things and worse at others. Someone who is good at this randomly selected section of the spec will do better in the exam than someone with a more rounded understanding of the spec as a whole. The exam is completely and utterly the bitch of this concept.

I find nanotubes (and related fullerines) as well as maths easy. I did well in the chemistry paper. I'm good at testing for things, I did well. My friend knew everything there was to know about atoms, radiation and reactions. This was not heavily featured in the exam, so they are marked lesser. My other friend had a good understanding of the spec as a whole, but due to this couldn't answer the highest level questions with the most Mark's as their understanding was left shallow. They are marked lesser. Trying didnt make a difference, and I see that now more than ever, at least for chemistry.

In geography, I tried my best. I know that, unfortunately, my memory issues dragged me down. As sad as it is to say, my learning disability and memory issues, both diagnosed officially, held me back in the memory based exams. Fortunately, I had my understanding of the subject as a small consolation. It was secondary to the memory aspect unfortunately, and mostly answered low mark questions. How sick is it, that understanding is secondary in the face of memory. Truly, a these exams were built around memorizing a textbook. Trying didnt make a difference. In the end, I failed to memories much of anything. The things based off understanding were obvious and required little to no effort to grasp. I know I could slept those classes away, and the only difference would be a slight increase in my health. The exam, evidently, was a joke.

Now, to the main reason I wrote this long winded and obvious rant.

The English Language GCSE.

Of course I tried my hardest. In every mock bar one I got high 9's. I helped my classmates. I participated and revised and stressed. I turned up to the exams, feverish with tonsillitis. I tried my best, both for the exam and to not throw up. I littered my words with as many false pleasantries and flowery bulshit as I could. I called the basic and dull literature what it was, basic and dull, a thing discouraged by teachers despite earning me my 9s. I wrote some depressing drivel in the final question 5, making sure to put mild, professional and somewhat abstract opinions into it (again, something that gave me 9's)

I left the exam without pride. I was sure I'd done well, but the success I was meant to feel was only grief for the years I'd lost in a classroom, miserable.

Later, I would feel proud. Maybe I'd see. Maybe, hopefully, my theory was wrong- at least in regards to English language.

Then, article after article poured into my feed. One particular article on Mumsnet called the marking scheme ' a shitshow'.

So I sat down, weeks after the official end of Y11, and reviewed the markshemes we'd based the entire course on at my school.

The articles were right. It was vague jargon, and completely subjective. It called for judicious quotes, with nothing to specify what should be considered such. It called for a high and sophisticated vocabulary, and again, completely contradicted this when looking at exams from the previous year which were marked as such. It was without a doubt the most completely ambiguous thing I'd ever read, and the people marking my exam seemed to agree. Sleep deprived and stressed to fuck, the reality of it has passed my by but was now clear as day.

In the end, my hard work didnt pay off. It doesn't matter now if I get a 9 or a 3. I know theres little chance it will be a reflection of my exam. For better or worse.

My classmates seem to understand this as well as me. So, what did the GCSE's actually manage to teach us?

It taught us to accept failure. Success is a bold faced lie entirely based off luck.

Those bold enough to say hard work is rewarded have their heads shoved in the sand.

Trying made no difference.

I see, now, what was going through those peoples heads last year, when they didnt show up for the exams or classes. Hard work is not rewarded and they were going to fail from the start.

They were too honest, and clearly, the only thing valued in GCSE's is the ability to lie so well that the exam marker is also tricked. Trying at this point would be a hopeless, draining task.

All that the GCSE's gave me was problems. Now, getting up in the morning is harder than my exams ever were. I abandoned everything for those exams, like many others. I lost my health, physical and mental. I lost my personality and sense of self. I lost years of my life, that should be cherished, to dispare. These gcse's are a tortuous joke and I wish more than anything that I'd never bothered in the first place because in the end, it wouldn't have made a difference.

Now, I'm moving on to collage to do much of the same. All I see ahead of me is misery, but unfortunately, this apearese to be an unchangeable reality placed upon us as a sick twisted joke. I've accepted this, as sad as it is, but I cant stand by as people lie to themselves and others, saying GCSE's are in any way worth it outside of a number on some paper.

Education is long dead. That's what GCSE's taught me.

Update- results: english lan, 7 (gonna get remarked), lit, 8. Maths-8. Bio-6. Chem-7. Physics-7. Art-9. Computer science-7. Geo-7

#gcse english #gcse chemistry #gcse biology #GCSE #gcse 2019 #gcse 2020 #education #school #secondary school #revision #reality #contraversy #gcse results

[oasisprngsmoved-blog]

125 questions about me

i was tagged by @surreysimmer and @oasisable, lov u guys. the point of the tag is to create a simself w your traits and answer the questions!

i tag: @brndletonbae @vvindenburg and anyone else who hasnt done it yet!

my traits are dog lover, geek and hot-headed!

125 questions below the cut

1. what is your name? taylah

2. what is your nickname? tay

3. birthday? aug 30 1998

4. what is your favorite book series? the illuminae files by amie kaufman and jay kristoff

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts? yessss

6. who is your favorite author? neal shusterman

7. what is your favorite radio station? i only use apple music

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything? raspberry flavour mhm

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? incredible

10. what is your current favorite song? i literally have no idea

11. what is your favorite word? no clue

12. what was the last song you listened to? i can hear my mother listening to abba downstairs

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch? brooklyn nine nine

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? mr beans holiday

15. do you play video games? yeeee, lately ive been playing detroit become human, the new spiderman game and gta v :-) 

16. what is your biggest fear? CLOWNS

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion? im really empathetic 

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion? i can be an asshole

9. do you like cats or dogs better? dogs

20. what is your favorite season? winter

21. are you in a relationship? no

22. what is something you miss from your childhood? my dad,,,,,

23. who is your best friend? jacqui + kelsey and also jills + haley

24. what is your eye color? hazel

25. what is your hair color? black

26. who is someone you love? my dog

27. who is someone you trust? see q.23

28. who is someone you think about often? my dad

29. are you currently excited about/for something? christmas

30. what is your biggest obsession? i develop fixations real fast u could ask me my biggest obsession and itll change in 2 days

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child? probably zoey-101 or smth like that

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? bold of q.32 to assume i trust people

33. are you superstitious? yeah

34. do you have any unusual phobias? broken glass

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? behind

36. what is your favorite hobby? watch netflix, game, work kkfbcuaajl

37. what was the last book you read? sadie by courtney summers

38. what was the last movie you watched? bohemian rhapsody

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any? none

40. what is your favorite animal? dogs, sloths and sharks

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow? i cant narrow things down im indecisive

42. what superpower do you wish you had? invisibility

43. when and where do you feel most at peace? when i knock tf out and finally sleep kwbaubfdl but also when im home alone

44. what makes you smile? when someone laughs at my dumb jokes

45. what sports do you play, if any? this is so funny

46. what is your favorite drink? vanilla coke

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? no clue

48. are you afraid of heights? kind of

49. what is your biggest pet peeve? when people dont listen

50. have you ever been to a concert? yeah 

51. are you vegan/vegetarian? no but i want to be

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? hotel manager

53. what fictional world would you like to live in? harry potter lmao

54. what is something you worry about? everything!!!!!

55. are you scared of the dark? not really

56. do you like to sing? like to yes, but i cant sing

57. have you ever skipped school? yes and i skip uni all the time im depressed

58. what is your favorite place on the planet? my bed

59. where would you like to live? anywhere but australia

60. do you have any pets? i have a fifi!! (a dog... she was gonna be in the photos with my simself but her breed isnt in the game so sad)

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl? night owl

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better? sunsets

63. do you know how to drive? yes

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones? i call them earphones so no clue what the difference is

65. have you ever had braces? no

66. what is your favorite genre of music? literally anything

67. who is your hero? no clue

68. do you read comic books? i read graphic novels but not comic books

69. what makes you the most angry? rude people!!!!!

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? both im not bothered

71. what is your favorite subject in school? rn i love my social science classes

72. do you have any siblings? 4 brothers 2 sisters

73. what was the last thing you bought? gta v

74. how tall are you? 5′4 / 163cm

75. can you cook? yeah

76. what are three things that you love? my friends, my family, my dog

77. what are three things that you hate? stress, rude opinionated people, people who ignore what you say

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends? female friends i dont talk to men besides my brother and my boss

79. what is your sexual orientation? lmaoooooooooo no idea atm ha

80. where do you currently live? australia

81. who was the last person you texted? sam

82. when was the last time you cried? the other night larbnlcbadj

83. who is your favorite youtuber? how ridiculous

84. do you like to take selfies? not really

85. what is your favorite app? tumblr

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like? pretty good but my mums a taurus so shes stubborn af

87. what is your favorite foreign accent? french

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? everywhere im stuck in the bottom of the globe someone save me

89. what is your favorite number? 7

90. can you juggle? no

91. are you religious? no

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? space!!! but both are interesting tbh

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? no

94. are you allergic to anything? no but im lactose intolerant

95. can you curl your tongue? yes

96. can you wiggle your ears? no

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something? no im also stubborn af

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach? neither

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? someone, the other day, told me im young with relatively little life experiences and that struggling with myself is okay and to not worry about the future idk this makes no sense with 0 context to what we were talking about but it helped a lot.

100. are you a good liar? depends i can tell my boss im sick and i cant work when im Depressed^tm just fine but i cant lie to a friend

101. what is your hogwarts house? slytherin

102. do you talk to yourself? yes rip

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert? bitta both

104. do you keep a journal/diary? i have a priv twitter acc where only 2 people follow me and i act like its my journal so close enough

105. do you believe in second chances? depends on the circumstances

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? turn it in

107. do you believe that people are capable of change? again depends

108. are you ticklish? oh yes

109. have you ever been on a plane? yes

110. do you have any piercings? i have my ears done twice, my helix and my nose

111. what fictional character do you wish was real? cress from tlc

112. do you have any tattoos? no

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? deciding to go to uni

114. do you believe in karma? yeee

115. do you wear glasses or contacts? glasses, contacts freak me out

116. do you want children? no, if i were to have kids id wanna adopt

117. who is the smartest person you know? no idea

118. what is your most embarrassing memory? anything from 2015/2016

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter? yes

120. what colour are most of you clothes? black and grey

121. do you like adventures? depends

122. have you ever been on tv? no

123. how old are you? 20

124. what is your favorite movie quote? the gone girl monologue i wont quote it because its a SPOILER but its my fav

125. sweet or savory? sweet

#saviorhide #nonsims #tag #get to know me tag #also i have bangs and theres no decent cc with bangs that LOOKS LIKE MY HAIR #so deal w me still using grimcookies kathryn hair

[midoriyasbones]

look. im going off anon for this, which is something i never do tbh. i ship sk. i ship it like hell. but i like kl too, and when i saw that post, i laughed. it was a good joke, and tbh i was like "wtf why cant u see keiths hand maybe he IS holding lances hand". people go on and on about klantis, but there are sheith shippers who take it way too fucking far sometimes. you don't deserve hate or problems for that. you seem like a genuinely nice person who doesn't deserve crap for what you ship. (1)

¡you deserve as much happiness with your ship as we get with ours. as much as id like things to be canon, i realize that it might not be, and no matter what, no one deserves to be hated on or pestered because of what they ship. klance is a damn beautiful ship, and some sk shippers need to realize that by harrassing people over ships, they have sunk to @ntis levels. so you keep on shipping your great ship and dont listen to what anybody has to say about it. youre doing amazing sweetie. (2)

ALSO another thing that some sk shippers need to realize is that kl shipper =/= anti!! sure, it's definitely a thing (oh boy is it a thing) but just because someone ships kl doesnt mean theyre an anti! sometimes the sk side of the fandom can be pretty damn hypocritical too, and it pisses me off. sk is a good ship. kl is a good ship. one ship is not inherently better than another, even in regards to whether or not itll be "canon". just let people enjoy what they want! sorry for venting a bit. (3)

OH FRESHLY BREWED JUNIBERRY??

(for context, here’s the s8 poster shitpost in question, here’s me popping off, and here’s me popping off part 2 electric boogaloo i was MAD last night akdsjfjksakfj)

i’m gonna start of by saying that i don’t think this is actually an s/k vs k/l situation? because this behavior is NOT a thing reserved to s/k shippers, it’s just that as that ship has exploded in the past year so has the number of people who are s/k shippers doing this so it just feels like it, but i see it across the board. it’s not s/k thing and i don’t want it to be labeled as such. it’s just that because s/k has become so big you can find more examples of it than if you went searching in s/l, a/l, p/l, etc. could some of that behavior be s/k vs k/l? i’m sure you’d be hard pressed not to find at least one person like that out there, but i actually believe this stems from more of a non-k/l shipping fandom issue than anything else.

i feel like i should address what counts as ant¡ behavior, especially as an ex-ant¡ myself. but that’s probably a post i’ll make separately from this one though as i want to be able to word it correctly and make it so that people don’t feel like i’m coming for them or their ship. the fact is that some people genuinely don’t recognize their behavior for what it is because it’s almost been reinforced that they’re doing the right thing by so many for so long they’ve let themselves go unchecked and because of that it’s just spiraled out of control.

but yeah, just because someone ships k/l doesn’t mean they’re an anti! i think that sometimes people just jump the gun, and honestly i’m not going to make excuses for them anymore. the thing is it’s not even that every sha/adin shipper has been personally harassed for their ship, because statistically that’s just not possible. i really don’t think people are writing anons, @ ing in posts, etc to every single sha/adin out there. and before you come for me saying i could never know what it’s like, i have had my inbox flooded by both sides, i have been vagued about by both sides, i have had call out posts, sha/adin twitter memed me (briefly, but tbh im not mad about that IT WAS FUNNY), i was on vld.flops, and at one point i’ve had law enforcement involvement (to be fair, that was for ant¡s coming after me, not sha/adins) like i’ve been through that. that’s personal harassment. and yeah, seeing ant¡s post mean stuff in the tags, seeing them go after your favorite blogs or your friends, and in general just... their overall disrespect towards people in general is pretty bad, but none of that warrants you walking around with a chip on your shoulder or being able to just ‘go off’ at any and all times. even if you have been personally harassed once or even multiple times, you don’t get to do it back. that’s not how you enact change.

anyways, if you don’t like k/l and k/l shippers that much, and seeing them reminds you of bad things, i don’t blame you at all, but that really doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. as we say in the pro ship side of things, blacklist is your religion, and if you need a more heavy duty option (that removes the post entirely from your dash, as in the whole ‘this post is blocked because xyz’ won’t even show up the whole thing is just gone), xkit is free! if seeing it bothers you that much, don’t go scrolling through the tags, don’t go scrolling through blogs, don’t go after people bnf vague, and if you do see something, just scroll past it. in all honesty by commenting you’re just worsening the already oozing, festering, cluster fuck that is this fandom even if that post in question is by a hateful person, and that’s the at best scenario. at worst, you look like a dumbass who takes everything way too seriously by picking on a person who just made a shitpost for fun.

thank you so much for the encouragement, it really means a lot especially knowing that you’re part of the s/k fandom. having that support and knowing that not everyone is just going to think i’m a raving, rabid k/ancer uwu for getting upset over constantly being unfairly jeered at does help a great deal! im just... tired of feeling dread when my ask box lights up, or my stomach getting sick when i scroll through my activity feed. i know im usually a low sodium blog (and we will be returning to low sodium hours shortly) but i think this is something that needs to be talked about. people shouldn’t be able to get away with this behavior.

#ask jules #kind words #jules salts #jules vents #discourse #fandomaniac1540

[coala928]

TGWDLM THEORY!!!!

** NOT MY THEORY!! I FOUND IT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THE YOUTUBE RECORDING AND IT NEEDS TO BE KNOWN BY MORE PEOPLE. ALL CREDITS GO TO @USELESSHANDS **

So I don't think Paul has been 100% infected by the aliens and I think there's a lot of evidence pointing to that. I'm beginning the musical for like the fifth time now and I'm just going to point out some stuff as it comes to me. Also, let's just assume this is going off of the theory that the opening song takes place after everyone in Hatchetfield has been infected (including Emma I guess)

 Exhibit A: In the first song, Paul doesn't arrive onstage when he's supposed to. The other singers cue him in and he doesn't come out. Rather, he enters later, unremarkably. I think this could be pointing to some sort of internal battle with himself because he's not 100% infected. It's his real self choosing to be not in a musical cliche entrance                                                                                  Exhibit B:  Okay this has nothing to do with the point I'm trying to make but can we talk about how Paul is such a nice guy and he doesn't deserve any of what happens to him and URGH  I caNT                                                                  Exhibit C: If it is a musical that's just telling the story of how everyone in Hatchetfield got infected into being in the musical, then it's reasonable to assume that all of the dialogue the aliens speak before the meteor strikes Starlight Theatre is just how they assume things happened then because the aliens wouldn't have been there yet to know what the day before the meteor had actually been like. So going off of this logic, Paul has a conversation with Bill about Mamma Mia where he says "Sitting there, trapped... in a musical... That is my own personal hell". This could be the human part of Paul maybe saying the line sarcastically, or trying to snap himself out of it, tell himself he's not happy right now being in a musical. Ok I know that didn't really make sense but maybe it did to someone out there so there's that

 Exhibit D: Also I know this could completely be irrelevant especially since at the beginning the aliens refer to Paul as "the star of the show" but I'm noticing that pretty much every single person in the cast plays multiple characters except for Jon who only plays Paul, so it's possible that this is because he's still part human and therefore doesn't have the alien capability completely in him to play multiple characters. This one isn't as strong as a point but I mean Jon is the only cast member who plays one single character through the whole show as far as I can see. 

Exhibit E: we stan Robert Manion ok moving right along

Exhibit F: Okay this is also irrelevant but can I just say I love that little moment when Jaime is like "you got a line" and Emma turns and it's just Paul and he just gives her a lil smile and arrghhh my heart (10:51) 

Exhibit G: Okay I'm just noticing that literally for the entire day before the meteor even hits and the thought of a musical should become remotely relevant to the plot in any way, Paul has talked about how much he hates musicals at least two or three times. Like he's just drilling this point into the ground. It could be him internally fighting back or whatever, just a thought 

Exhibit H: Okay just a warning that half of these points are not going to be about the point I'm trying to make but have any of y'all noticed how much better Starkid has gotten at writing shows over the years like seriously it shows. And I'm not saying that the older shows are bad or anything I'm just saying like in Holy Musical B@man the audience doesn't laugh at like 50% of the jokes and in this one the audience is laughing at things that like aren't even meant to be funny and anyway I'm just proud of the writers and the cast and how far everyone's come as a group (remember Darren ahhh) ok anyyyyway 

Exhibit I: "And you come out a little strong with that whole 'save the planet' bit. As if I'm going to do that single-handedly" lol what if this is Paul's human self just being salty that he blew up the meteor and it didn't even really work, that is a thought right there 

Exhibit J: AHHHH I JUST NOTICED THIS when the storm is happening and they're doing the montage and Bill is driving the car talking about Red Lobster, if you listen really closely you can hear the keyboard in the background playing the theme from "Not Your Seed", the part that's like "look what happens, nightmare time", you know?? this is painful oof

Exhibit K: "Yeah I just have a bad feeling about all this" -Paul, after being told from Paul that the one musical number he saw in the street was just a flash mob, which of course makes reasonable sense 

 Exhibit L: When he's freaking out in the coffee shop and talking to Emma about the "world is a musical" thing he starts the conversation by saying "I think there's something sinister infecting Hatchetfield." Why would he jump straight to the idea of infection? Like it seemed like he pretty quickly jumped to the conclusion of an infection taking over Hatchetfield. If it was me in that situation I don't think I would ever have thought of an infection. I don't think I would know WHAT it was for awhile at least, maybe eventually I would figure out that it was an infection but without any evidence or logical reasoning Paul just states bluntly to Emma that it's an infection. I think this is important for a couple of reasons: it could be the human part of Paul trying to communicate with Emma, or the fact that he says "sinister" could imply that he's still fighting back against the apotheosis

 Exhibit M: Okay so in the scene with the Professor, Paul asks if he has booze to take the edge off. Seems innocent enough but if you think about it and this is in the context of them being in a musical, Paul asking for booze has nothing to do with the plot, doesn't add comedy in any way... It reminded me of Be More Chill, when Jeremy tells the Squip that in order to deactivate him, he'll just get drunk. This doesn't work out for Jeremy but what if it's possible that Paul has the same idea? Get himself drunk to somehow momentarily turn off the apotheosis? And it doesn't work for him either?

 Exhibit N: "Your own body is your front row seat to die" that's what Charlotte sings. I think someone somewhere has already pointed this out but she could be meaning that this means at least some of the infected people still have their own consciousness because they're watching themselves sing and dance with no control over their nerves or muscles. This one is a pretty strong point and pretty obvious I think

 Exhibit O: Idk when this was but at some point during one of the Professor's speeches he makes a point that's like about how the aliens work or whatever and most of it didn't make much sense but I remember he said something about collective consciousness but also something about "the individual", implying that for the infected there's still a bit of individualism, of human consciousness

Exhibit P: It will eternally bother me that the last thing Paul says to Emma is "okay. Byeeeee" right after not kissing her and yes I'm upset and pls don't talk to me right now oml that was just the worst

 Exhibit Q: Let It Out stresses me out so much, also the audience's reaction to when Paul dances on accident, like they sound horrified and it hurts

 Exhibit R: Okay now here's the real tea, this is where we get some strong evidence proving that Paul isn't 100% infected. He's the only person who gets infected just because he's so close to the meteor. Everyone else was killed into being in the musical. I think this means that because the infection isn't directly in his bloodstream, he's not 100% infected. Maybe if he gets far enough away from the meteor the effect will wear off, at least a little? i just want him to be okay is that too much to ask Exhibit S: A lot of the evidence that Paul survived is in Inevitable. Just listen to the lyrics. First he apologizes, then he claims the only way he could've survived to get back to Emma was to join the musical himself ("what if the only choice is, you had to sing to survive?") ok that's all i have anyway have a nice life

#the guy who didn't like musicals #theory #robertmanion

[artificialqueens]

you know everything i know (crameron) - chapter 3 - akita

A/N: finally finished this chapter!! sorry for taking a while to do it, had a few bad days but i should be okay now! this chapter is a more focused around kameron and i had a lot of fun with it, hope you enjoy! 

Maybe she’d just pushed herself a little too hard. Kameron thought she knew her limits, and knew when she was clearly pushing them, but the ache in her arms was proving otherwise. It even hurt when she was steering the car, and left her more than a little relieved to get home. Pulling into her driveway, she moved to leave the car, hesitating briefly with her eyes on the passenger seat. Ever since their little coffee date, Brianna had been on her mind near constantly. Initially, she’d been shrugging it off as excitement from seeing an old friend, but it was now more than a week down the line, and that feeling hadn’t come anywhere close to wearing off.

As she made her way into the house, she was trying to push back some unpleasant thoughts. Of course it was excessive to worry that she might not see her again, but there had been two years of guilty silence on Kameron’s behalf. The tiny blonde often crossed her mind, but she didn’t want to bother her, and feared that Brianna wouldn’t have thought about her as much as she did. People move on, and that was normal - that was healthy. In her head, that was what Brianna would have done, and she didn’t want to drag up the past, even if it had been pleasant. It was impossible to go back to the way things had been - it was impossible to truly relive the past.

Dumping her gym bag by the door, she made her way to the kitchen, grabbing a Redbull from the fridge and slumping down on the couch. She took the phone from her pocket, and left it by her side, focusing more on downing half a can and turning on the TV. Brianna had been texting her over the last few days, and the conversations had been friendly and, if anything, very sweet. In spite of that, Kameron couldn’t bring herself to ask for a second meet up. They’d joked about her coming to one of the fitness classes, and since had joked as well about Kameron being her personal trainer, but she was scared to take that out of the context of humour. When they were out together, Brianna had more or less given a yes to going to the gym with her, but she still couldn’t ask the question, or set a date.

The sound of the news filled the air. It was something a lot of people pressed was important to watch, but Kameron had never really been that interested. She wasn’t out of the loop; she knew what was going on through twitter, and the push notifications on her phone. Though the remote was only a small reach away, she’d sunk back against the plush of the couch, and her aching muscles begged her to stay still. There was no doubt in her mind that she’d overdone it, and this was down to her decision to up the normal routine. It hadn’t been by much, just a few more reps, and slightly heavier weights, but after only a few days of that, she felt terrible. She’d not laid off today either, and that meant that she’d only feel worse in the morning.

Sometimes, she could push through the pain. It wasn’t uncommon to feel a little worse for wear after a workout; they were designed to push people to their limits. This, however, was the kind of ache that would leave her stiff and slow. Kameron would have to forgo her own routines for the next few days, and just hope whoever she was training wouldn’t need much demonstration. She would kick herself for this, if her legs weren’t so sore. When her phone went off, she was reminded of the exact reason why she’d done this to herself.

It felt embarrassing to admit to herself that she was pushing herself harder in order to impress Brianna. When she thought about it, she thought it was stupid. She was in good enough shape anyway, and while she was always working on building and maintaining muscle, she was far from a place where upping her routine would be even considered necessary. Yet she still did it, to impress a woman she’d only had two face to face conversations with in the last two years. Plus, she was encouraged into this by Brianna’s initial comment when she saw her - a stunned ‘you’re ripped’.

She considered that she’d only took it to heart so much since she was still feeling rough from a break up. It had took a big hit on her self esteem, and she was still building herself back up. Picking up her phone, she scrolled back through the conversation, realising that ignoring the texts would hardly make her want to meet up again. There was a sense of domesticity in their routine of checking in on one another. ‘How was your day?’ ‘What did you do today?’ ‘How was work?’ - it was those sorts of things they exchanged. Each day’s chat was bookended with ‘good mornings’ and ‘good nights’, and though it was so simple, it made her heart skip a beat.

B: well my day turned disastrously bad fast :( x

If there was ever a sentence to strike immediate worry into Kameron, that was it. She didn’t even know what happened yet, and her mind was immediately catastrophizing it. Did her house catch on fire? Did she break her leg? Did she accidentally poison herself? Every single one of those possibilities was unlikely, and a little extreme, but she found herself immensely over-concerned about her coming to harm. When she got herself together, she managed to text back a rather collected response.

K: what happened? X B: theres a gas leak in my house, shut things off and called the emergency people out but they cant come til tomorrow and i cant stay in my house x K: you got anywhere you can go? x B: i dont think so, my mum’s away so i cant stay at hers, might have to stay in a hotel x K: you can stay here if you want? x B: you sure? K: of course, i can come pick you up now, where are you? x B: still home, just grabbing a few things x K: see you soon bri x

Only after she wrote her name did she realise it was unnecessary, but it was better than ‘darling’, which she wrote first. Getting up from the couch, groaning as her body complained at the movement, she finished off her can and headed outside. At least she didn’t have to worry about tidying herself up before seeing Brianna - she’d showered once she was done at the gym for the day, and fixed herself up then. Her clothes were on the comfier side, but people hardly wore their Sunday best to pick a friend up from their house with a gas leak. Making her way back into the car, grumbling as she slumped down in the seat, she started on her way towards Brianna’s house.

Kameron found herself relieved that she kept her house clean. Her room was a little bit messy, but she doubted she’d be bringing Brianna in there anyway. There was a spare, comfortable quilt in the airing cupboard, and clean pillows, which she’d give her to stay on the couch with. When she moved in, she did have a spare bedroom, but it had been converted more into a storage space, and she got rid of the nasty old bed that used to be in there. There was kids room decoration on the walls in there still, and she couldn’t help but chuckle at how fitting that would have been for Brianna.

As she got closer and closer to the house, she was feeling increasingly anxious about this. Her mind had been deafeningly reminding her that she’d only seen Brianna twice in the last two years. Now, she’d be staying over, for at least one night, and when they both had work in the morning. They’d be getting up around the same time, which was somewhat comforting, as she didn’t like the idea of having to sneak around someone sleeping on the couch. But something about it felt odd, distinctly foreign from their childhood sleepovers. They’d been limited to weekends, and they usually shared a bed - something they did when they were small and never cared to grow out of. Part of her wished things could be that way again.

When she pulled up, Brianna scurried over to the car urgently, getting in the passenger side and grinning at her. “I was worried that whole time that the building would explode.” “Didn’t you say you turned the gas off?” “Yeah, but how much gas was in the house before I noticed?” She shrugged, bumping Kameron’s arm with her fingertips. Of course, the redhead just gave a playful, joking, “Owch,” but when she flinched as the contact was made, it did hurt a little from her prior overworking.

Kameron was trying her best to maintain a friendly front, though she was overwhelmingly nervous now. As she was driving them both to her house, it almost felt like she was being suffocated, and she was worrying at her lip enough that it was starting to hurt. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Brianna, who was evidently feeling a similar way, fidgeting and tapping her nails against her knee. Eventually, in the hopes of lightening the air, she made a joke. “You should’ve put a booster seat in before I got here.” Glimpsing at her out of the corner of her eye, Kameron laughed, “And I could have. Suzie’s booster seat’s in the boot. Missed an opportunity. Would you even fit in a booster seat though?” “…I don’t know but I want to find out.”

Now they had something fun on the agenda, and when they pulled into Kameron’s driveway, Brianna got out, waiting by the door while the other wandered to the boot of the car. Rustling through some bags, she pulled the seat out, slamming the door down. “Sorry, it doesn’t close right if you don’t do that,” She explained to the startled Brianna, before putting the seat in place, “Right, go ahead. You probably can, it’s for kids 4-12, I think.” And, she could fit in it. It was slightly uncomfortable, but she could fit, and as soon as she sat in it, she burst out laughing. “If only it was that easy to get Su in that seat. She hates it.” Getting out, Brianna gestured Kameron towards it, “Your turn.” “I’ll break it. At the risk of hurting your feelings, you’re probably a little more than 36 kilos. I am way more than that, and I don’t want my sister screaming at me for breaking the car seat she paid for.”

Shutting the door and locking the car, she lead a pouting Brianna into the house, kicking off her shoes by the door and asking her to do the same. The living room was completely carpeted on the floors, and she didn’t like getting dirt out of it. It was bad enough keeping on top of cigarette ash and spilled drinks, let alone mud from Brianna’s front garden. She let the blonde leave her things by the couch, and told her she’d bring down bedding soon. As soon as she said it, there was a moment of disappointment on Brianna’s face, though her voice didn’t catch up with it, responding with a chirpy thank you.

Brianna wanted to go back to the way things were, before all the distance. The biggest obstacle in letting that happen was  that she, and Kameron, were evidently too scared to actually instigate anything. Changing topic, Kameron asked, “You had dinner yet?” “No, I was about to turn the oven on when I could smell the gas.” “I can make you something,” She offered, though not wanting to sound over eager, she followed, “Or we could get a take away.” “Take away, but only you don’t have to spend ages in the kitchen. I can pay for half.” “I don’t mind.” “I’m staying here for the night, take it as me paying board. And can it be pizza?” “Sure.”

Things were uneventful through dinner, and in the wait for it to arrive, mostly because despite the attempt to make pleasant conversation, they were both getting a little worked up. Being overthinkers had been something they found relatable through knowing each other, and they knew how to bring the other back down to Earth when they were getting too carried away with their thoughts. But this was harder - neither of them could voice what was on their mind, because they’d be giving the game away. Idle conversation was all they had, and Kameron was starting to feel guilty for being so ill prepared, and a little worried that she was making Brianna uncomfortable.

When it came to saying goodnight, they both almost deadlocked each other in a hug, neither quite willing to let go. There was a visible hesitation in Brianna, who then cleared her throat uncomfortably and looked away, mumbling a goodnight as she moved to sit under her blanket. Kameron, for some reason she couldn’t explain, patted her on the head when she returned the goodnight, and walked upstairs angry at herself for that weirdly patronising motion. Flopping down on her bed, heart racing, she stared up at the ceiling. She couldn’t be bothered changing out of her day clothes, her head too occupied with hypercritical thought.

Kicking off her jeans, she shoved them onto the floor beside the bed, shifting to be underneath the quilt. The blue cotton shirt she had on had admittedly been used interchangeably between night and day clothes, since it was comfortable enough to keep on while she slept. Which was ironic, because she felt far too awake to even slightly start drifting off. She tried for what felt like hours, but with a mix of aching muscles and unrelenting thoughts, she just couldn’t settle.

Then, she heard it. A soft knock at the door, and with a confused voice, she called out, “Come in?” “Sorry,” Brianna mumbled, stepping in and shutting the door behind her, “I couldn’t sleep.”

#akita #crameron #lesbian au #fluff #miz cracker #kameron michaels #rpdr fanfiction #submission #you know everything I know #s10

[johnnythirteenguns]

just seen justice league (this isnt spoiler free at all)

also went to thor: ragnarok for the third time to wash the taste out.

so i went to go see it for miller, momoa, and mera in that order. i was super impressed with mera. i thought they were gonna go the like easy way and give her an Accent like the amazons, but they didnt. even though her cadence was different like idk man i know very little about dc but i picked up a one-shot earlier this year where mera neatly beats the fuck out of the justice league on her own and she’s a semi-jerk who kind of hates surface dwellers and you know what for the thirty seconds we had her onscreen i believed it and she was powerful and felt like a character with backstory and i COMPLETELY didnt hear what aquaman was saying i just heard her side of the conversation

man ben affleck really doesnt wanna be here huh anyway we should recast him at the earliest convenience

also why was batman 90% CGI like fine i get it no one can be a gymnast in a 50 lb rubber suit but like every single one of his moves that required any bending had to have been cgi

speaking of which the cgi isnt like bad in and of itself it’s just typical like it’s the cgi youre used to seeing. it doesnt blend seamlessly into anything and the characters dont blend seamlessly into it. the cornfield looks fake as can fucking be and i dont really know why? what else there was another fucking weird cgi moment. anyway, steppenwolf is ugly as sin and has no emotion and is all one color and is??? generally weird looking

speaking of which. he is not frightening at all. the New Gods isnt something casual dc fans are gonna be familiar with (i am barely familiar with it) and like? apparently, darkseid was supposed to have scenes in this but didnt? anyway go see thor ragnarok which features 1) a horned villain that is legitimately terrifying and powerful, that you fully believe can do the things she does, and who is beautifully designed and 2) features glow-y eyed masses of disposable soldiers that are cool but goofy and dont take themselves too seriously but were still frightening and made for thrilling fights because you believed they could actually pose a threat to the characters they were attacking

the beginning... uh i think like three scenes of the film looked pretty good, but they looked like cutscenes. very GOOD cutscenes, but honestly... if i wanted it to look like this id have played... a video game. like, i want it to look like a real place even if it’s heavily stylized. uh but the first showdown where batman is luring a parademon out looks beautiful if fake as shit. the scene with wondy in the bank (which features a group of girls from an all-girls school... at a bank?) and terrorists wearing cheap pinstripe suits (like, this is fine! it’s nonsensical and stupid but fine it’s a comic book movie) was kind of cool because for once i felt like... maybe diana was a creative person who goes in wit ha strategy? like picking the dude up with the lasso and holding him up was fun i was like oh!!! thats not something a typical movie would do! it was the first time she felt like Wonder Woman to me (ive seen the wondy movie itself, it was... eh). uh and idk what was up with the standing on the scales of justice or whatever idk the hilarity of gal gadot on that statue which sits on top of a bank like. it was funny.

hey question what the uh... fuck was the “what are you” “a believer” line about it made zero sense in context at all

dont quote me on the order of scenes i dont remember fuck all of this movie in order because literally, the pacing was so weird. so... it was very obvious there were parts missing from the movie. not like, cuts made where you could be like oh there was something there or maybe there'll be a deleted scene no like you Knew there was stuff that was necessary that was gone. the football scenes with victor from the trailers were gone!!! i think the movie was trying to set up a really strong friendship with wonder woman and cyborg but it never really went anywhere? and i suspect because it all got cut! and i dont understand why because ray did a really good job and he sold cyborg to me so well i loved his take! 

also... i dont know if theyre saving it for the aquaman movie next year but did Arthur get a bunch of his stuff cut too? because i like jason momoa, and i like his arthur and so im sort of torn because, like, he didnt have much to do. like, he has the bit where he sits on wonder woman’s lasso of thruth and tells them all this stuff but you dont know enough about him for any of it to land? but i really wanted to know more (at some point i did give up on, this was a very passive viewing experience). my friend was saying that like literally why did they try to make arthur so Cool he’s already jason momoa he is by default cool now you can do whatever you want with him we’re all going to love him.

speaking of the lasso scene... was the entire last half of the movie re-writen and re-shot by whedon because like? the lasso scene is a whedon. the bit at the end where wondy goes “children. i work with children” is a whedon (THERE’S NO REASON FOR HER TO SAY THIS? I THINK THIS WHEN SHE HAS TWO TEAM MEMBERS LIKE LAYING ON THE GROUND AFTER NEARLY BEING BLON UP? IT WAS FUCKING WEIRD). i genuinely cant tell if all of barry’s dialogue was written by whedon or if that was ezra improvising but uh... man he’s... he needs to practice if that’s hm. if it’s just whedon i mean fine but he also doesnt have the shitty RDJ quality thats let’s him say those lines with believability.

speaking of which, going to see barry was my priority because apparently im gay for miller rn so like. uh. man he wasnt funny like there were a couple parts where he was cute and the line landed and it was fine but generally he just... wasnt funny? because the movie wasnt funny? like... idk man ezra really acting his heart out and ive said like cool i wanna follow his career and see if he does good stuff and gets even better at his stupid art but maybe he peaked with credence barebone i dont know. the first scene where we meet barry, with the flash pad and the pizza, that was good, that was funny. the bit at the prison was good. he has very soft eyes and thats nice. the panic attack is cute in the clip and the beginning like rhrgrh moment he has is good but then idk the pacing falls apart again

why is his character like this? i just dont think ezra’s... funny enough yet. (tbh i think he takes it too seriously even if he’s trying to be light-hearted man sometimes jokes is just jokes). there’s a bit where theyre digging up superman’s body and it’s JUST HIM AND CYBORG FOR UH? SOME REASON? maybe they explained why they sent the two babies but i didnt hear it and it’s literally just them two. and he tries to fistbump victor but vic is like “no” and tbh barry is annoying? like maybe u think he’s cute and an audience member but he’s uh... you can tell he’s annoying in the story and anyway then the flash says “right, racially charged” ABOUT A FISTBUMP? WHICH? LITERALLY MADE NO SENSE? WAS THIS LINE IMPROVISED? WAS IT WRITTEN? IM GONNA PUT MONEY ON IMPROVISED BECAUSE HE IS EXACTLY THAT KIND OF STUPID BITCH

if they were breaking into the lab why even bother going through the front door? barry drives the thing in (theyre trying to smuggle superman’s body into star labs) disguised a soldier (the literally most unconvincing thing, not to me as an audience member, because it was cute and funny to me,, but that a guy with THAT FACE is military like yeah sure, why did that guard believe him) but then they get to like the normal ass parking inside and the other three are standing there in full costume in full grey DC-brand daylight? are you telling me between 5/6ths of the justice league they couldnt sneak in a fucking pine box when wonder woman can lift a fucking tank on her own? like.

speaking of which uh.... superman is stupidly overpowered. like i said i read an issue of JL where mera hands every one of the justice league members their own gently roasted ass in hand on her fucking own. diana regularly kicks superman in the head. why was she not able to take him down? when theyre fighting steppenwolf for real it’s not until superman shows up that they even have a real fighting chance. they dont fight as team, they dont even fight as people casually unified in a common cause. theyre playing high-stakes legos and cyborg gets pulled away from them like three times?? and it gets fucking annoying? and then supes shows up and literally wipes the floor with him. it is so completely bizarre and stupid.

here’s a problem i still have with wonder woman: why is she so thin? the other amazons (except Hippolyta and maybe one other one) look built as FUCK? LIKE THESE WOMEN COULD EASILY TOSS ME ACROSS THE ROOM. wonder woman has serious fucking arms, where are they

also those amazon bikinis were bad. the whole styling of this movie is bad, but especially the amazons. everything is red and gold, for some reasons? the outfits dont looks heavy like armor, they look heavy like bullshit material. there is no reason for the fucking bikinis. the gold cloak hippolyta wears is??? heavy and looks like? like drapes like window dressing like thats the weight of it. additionally, there is no reason for their hair to be SO STYLED. it’s really like prom night hair it’s like shiny and muss free and always loose and in perfect clearly salon-styled curls. also, why are they so heavily made up? it’s really prominent. wondy herself has the same issue going on, she looks much more heavily made up (why is everyone’s blush so PINK, like it's distracting, is this a side effect of the recoloring process) and her hair isnt loose and doing its thing like in BVS or Wonder Woman it’s like... idk she looks really. Pretty when she’s on the field and it makes no sense.

the amazon fighting style is still ugly and makes no sense ive never seen such a wasteful fighting style it made sense exactly once during Wonder Woman

why is themyscira entirely the ugliest cgi i have ever fucking scene

why does the camera INSIST ON MOVING LIKE THAT. the action is super hard to track, the cgi is ugly as fuck (it really cannot be overstated)... i made it to about... i want to say when theyre on the way to the big fight and then the combined everything gave me a heaache that o had for the rest of the movie

i mentioned earlier that the pacing is weird the transitions are also weird. you get cuts to and from places that never fade into each other, it’s always a hard jump cut but it’s never the right cut to make? like, in thor ragnarok for example, there are a bunch of scene changes that happen via the bifrost, via people going through doors. there are wide shots that jump to wide shots in other places, so youre not suddenly on a close-up. there are a lot of people emerging from something into view, and there are a lof of people being alone in the center of the frame. it’s a very smooth and easy to watch movie. JL is the opposite of this in every way. I SUSPECT. AGAIN. THAT WHILE THIS WOULDNT HAVE BEEN FIXED ENTIRELY. THAT THOSE EXTRA TWENTY MINUTES THAT WERE CUT WERE PROBABLY REALLY IMPORTANT

the lois lane bit where she calms supes down just reminded me of the age of ultron and i quoted “sun’s going down” at my friends who were with me and they shit themselves laughing

ma kent calls lois lane “thirsty” in a Hilarious Teen Humor Gag thanks joss whedon you fucking hack

bruce wayne is fucking useless he could have got barry ANY JOB EVER and like... my god whatever.

also i still dont understand how how voice sounds like that when he’s batmanuh the after after credits scene is setting up, according to my friend, a sinister six movie. deathstroke isnt played by manu bennett so it’s fucking usless thanks for coming to my ted talk

[ohkimani]

(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him. 

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though. 

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things. 

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up. 

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

#p #ignore me #t&a #a #i think ive dated too many ppl but it's fine

[cluelessnamelessao3]

But It’s Not Funny

15. I’m Not Laughing Anymore

You would be lying if you said that you were doing well.

Despite the zoo adventure and other various simple hangouts, you were still preoccupied over the conversation with Frisk and Flowey. There was worry embedded in your heart over the condition of those kids and their fate. There was a sense of fear that hadn’t left you since that day.

Though, you had stopped trying to research. There was just nothing to research—at least nothing with even an ounce of validity. You had toyed with the idea of talking to one of the monsters, like, perhaps, Toriel, but you were hesitant. Frisk seemed very keen on secrecy, did Toriel even know about their purported powers?

You could talk to Alphys, maybe. She seemed the most qualified of any, what with her background, to explain monster and human magic. Yet, still, how could you frame your line of questioning in a way that didn’t expose Frisk? How would you explain your sudden interest in magic, souls, and the history of the monsters? Prior, you had been relatively accepting—preferring not to question your friends about their past but allowing them to share what they wished to when they wished to do so.

Then, there was Sans. He was the first person you had considered talking to, however, you had a sickly gut-feeling upon the notion. Additionally, you remembered Frisks words—after all, how could you not? They had played in your mind on repeat, occupied your night-time musings, and haunted your daydreams.

“No one knows…?” you had asked.

“Well, I think someone does… but I can’t exactly talk to him about it. He hates it. He made me promise that I wouldn’t reset.”

He. He hates it. He. He made them promise. He.

There were few “he’s” that Frisk could be referring to. Though, what were the odds? Surely, Frisk knew far more of the monsters than you did. What were the chances that they were referring to Sans? Perhaps, Papyrus?

You tried to picture Papyrus in the situation, but it just didn’t fit. Someone that sweet and that hopeful could not be privy to such devastating information.

Which, inevitably, led you back to Sans. You could certainly see the effects of trauma in his tired bones—hah, making puns even without your skeleton friend. Considering these things brought you also to a memory of Sans’ late nights. He often seemed like an insomniac, unable to sleep for the thoughts in his head. He’d confided in you about his nightmares; you had thought at the time that they were just fears and worries manifesting in his dreams. You remembered him talking about violence, about things that had happened, yet had never truly happened. Most poignantly, you remembered him admitting that sometimes it was hard to know what was real and what was not.

All evidence pointed towards the mysterious “he” that Frisk mentioned being none other than Sans.

Still, though, you were reluctant to ask him. The feeling resided deep within you; from a place you couldn’t identify. You just knew, it was not a conversation you wanted to have—or perhaps, you just weren’t ready for it yet.

So, it brought you back to Alphys. Perhaps, it would not be so hard to talk to her about magic without revealing anything—you questions could be disguised as curiosity that you had not entertained out of respect for them.

You needed to talk to Alphys, though it struck you that it would be difficult to question her with Undyne around. You needed to talk to Alphys alone.

Would she even want to talk about magic? Or, for that matter, what happened in the Underground?

Your phone buzzed, bringing you back into the present moment.

You looked around you, taking in the colourful shop around you and the quiet of a slow afternoon. Although Frisk had been allowed to resume working again—a fact you had been excited (and apprehensive) about, Frisk hadn’t come in today, apparently having too much work to catch up on in school. You hadn’t minded, knowing that the middle of the week was always slow for you in any case. Though, you did miss their company.

Gingerly, you grabbed your phone off of the counter and checked it. Just one message flashed on the screen, from Sans.

Sansational [12:50 pm]

knock knock.

You rolled your eyes, though a soft smile did grace your lips.

XXX–XXX–XXXX [12:51 pm]

who’s there?

Instantly, a response appeared.

Sansational [12:51 pm]

wendy

You played along, texting back “wendy who?”

Sansational [12:52 pm]

wendy you think we can go on a date?

For a moment it felt like your heart had stopped; for all too long you simply stared at the text message. Date? You thought, feeling not entirely unhappy with the notion.

However, before you could formulate a response, your phone dinged again and then again. As you opened the thread again, two more responses popped up.

Sansational [12:52 pm]

uh * coffee date

like we did before

lol

oops

You could feel a wave of disappointment wash over you, though you couldn’t identify why. You shook yourself and typed out a response.

XXX-XXX-XXXX [12:53 pm]

cant leave now, at the shop alone

after work?

Sansational [12:53 pm]

how about dinner?

 The rest of the day went without much incident, although Greater Dog did come in for a quick groom—apparently their family was taking photos today and he wanted to look his best. You smiled at the image of their huge family getting together for pictures—how cute.

As you were cleaning up the backroom and locking up, there was the sound of the door chiming.

Without looking, you called out, “Hey, we’re closed!”

“That’s the hope,” came a familiar gravelly voice.

You smiled, emerging from the backroom with a dirty, hair-covered rag in hand, “Oh, hey Sans! I didn’t know you were coming here.”

He looked you over, you with your apron and washcloth, with dog fur littering your clothes, and your hair tied back—though now strands of it were sticking out at odd angles.

Sans appeared as cool as ever, hands in the pockets of his deep blue jacket, wearing his typical gym shorts and converse. It fit him, despite the fact that you had never seen him partake in anything remotely sports-related, or for that matter, active.

“Thought you might be bonely without the lil’ squirt.”

You nodded, “Yeah, actually, I used to love working alone, but now? I’m so used to having someone with me.”

Luna, at that point, trotted up to Sans with her tail lowly wagging. She sniffed at him curiously, ears at attention, though they relaxed once he placed a skeletal hand on her head.

As he pat Luna, you finished cleaning and closing up the store.

The two of you chatted idly as you worked, and he continued to give Luna the attention she deserved.

With him here, you couldn’t stop thinking about Frisk and their words. It would be so simple just to ask—“hey, do humans have magic?” Or anything about the conversation without giving too much away, yet, when you looked at him, something stopped you.

Perhaps, it was the clear exhaustion rimming his eye sockets, or the subtle way his shoulders were hunched. Perhaps, it was something in you that was making you hesitate.

“Almost done?” His voice broke into your thoughts, drawing you back from your musings.

“Just finished!” You said with glee, before adding, “Can we stop at my place first? I definitely need to wash-up.”

You gestured at your fur-covered self.

“Fur real,” Sans laughed, “S’no paw-blem.”

You snickered at his joke, then got ready to leave.

 It was a short walk to your apartment building; however, you had the uncomfortable sense of being watched. Every time you looked around, though, the streets were empty. Sans had noticed your nervousness, even trying to question you about what was wrong, but you couldn’t quite articulate what was bothering you.

Still, you arrived uneventfully.

“Okay, just give me like fifteen minutes to shower and dress, then we can go.”

He just nodded from his place on the couch, Luna already having clambered into his lap.

Fifteen minutes later, you were fresh and ready to go.

“So, where to?”

 You arrived at Grillby’s as afternoon rolled into the evening, it was still brisk outside—winter still in full-swing, though it hadn’t snowed yet. The sky was clouded and dark, the air cool and still, but you felt warm as you spent time with Sans.

After securing a booth, Sans ordered a bottle of ketchup, a burger for himself, and one for you. He also ordered two drinks, though you weren’t sure what they were.

Grillby was serving, today—you were always in awe of how much he could do. He cooked, he cleaned, he worked the front, all while keeping rowdy customers from causing a scene.

Soon enough, there was food in front of your face and drinks were served.

Sans, as per his usual, absolutely drowned his burger and fries in ketchup—also taking a sip from the bottle for good measure.

You shivered, watching, before digging into your own plate.

The drink was as colourful as the previous you’d had on other occasions and though you had the temptation to drink it quickly, since it tasted so good, you had also learned your lesson from the last time.

It settled your nerves, making you more at ease. You hadn’t even realised how tense you had been beforehand.

“How’re you feeling?”

He always seemed to sense your mood.

“Better,” you answered truthfully.

“What was wrong?”

You paused, trying to figure out what to say, “I had a lot on my mind—what with the attack on Frisk and everything.”

“Did Frisk talk about it to you?”

You shrugged, lying, “Not really…”

Sans quirked a brow, then sipped his own drink, “I see.”

Suddenly, you saw an opening.

“Why?” You asked, “Did they talk to you about it?”

The expression on his face was unreadable before an easy grin took over once more.

“The kid and I get along, but we’re not exactly—I’m not exactly the person they go to with their problems.”

That surprised you, after all, you had seen the easy way that they joked with each other. They seemed like good friends, though with the context of your conversation with Frisk, it almost made sense that there would be some underlying problems between them.

He finished his drink, prompting you to drink yours a little faster. As you took the last dregs of it, he ordered another round.

“You trying to get me drunk?” You asked cheekily.

“Just trying to,” he paused, holding his drink up, “raise your spirits.”

The pun took a second to hit you, but you laughed wholeheartedly.

“Do you know why they call alcohol spirits?”

“No?” He responded quizzically.

“It’s because when they make alcohol, they distil it, and when they do that it is like they’re taking the essence, or the spirit, of whatever they use to make the alcohol.”

“Why do you know this?”

“I know a lot of things.”

He raised a browbone, “Oh?”

“You’ll just have to find out!”

“Oh, I will,” he said with a smirk.

The tone of his voice gave you thrills, though you weren’t sure why. You were feeling pleasant—pleasantly full of good food, pleasantly warm with the drinks, and pleasantly at peace with your company.

“I don’t know a lot about monsters, though,” you admitted.

“Well, I don’t think the humans knew about us.”

You nodded, sipping on your drink thoughtfully. Maybe, it would be alright to press a little bit.

“How did you guys get underground?”

Wrong question. The lights of his eyes disappeared for a moment and reappeared just slightly dimmer than before.

“It… is complex. I guess, the short of it, is that humans forced us into the Underground.”

You hummed in agreement, having already knew that much.

“Do you know much about magic?”

“Not a lot,” you said, thinking about the conversation with Frisk. Despite all that you had learned, you, in truth, still did not know a lot.

“Well, monsters are made of magic and can use it, but humans used to have magic too.” He stopped to take a drink, almost as though gathering his courage, “Several mages—human magic users—got together and used their powers to trap the monsters below Mount Ebott.”

“That’s awful, I’m so sorry.”

He shrugged.

“Humans don’t have magic anymore, do they?”

Something in his grin twitched, but he kept his easy smiling façade.

“As far as we know, most don’t.”

You noticed his word choice—not “they don’t,” but “most don’t.” It confirmed Frisk’s proclaimed powers. He knew something, but you weren’t sure what or how much.

“What’s with the sudden curiosity?”

You felt sheepish, not wanting to reveal anything that Frisk and you had talked about.

“I just wanted to know more about you guys, you know? That’s what friends do, they’re interested in each other’s history.”

The words felt like a lie, although they weren’t technically untrue. You were curious, you had been curious, but you certainly had other motives for asking these questions now.

He seemed to accept your answer, though.

“To patella you the truth, I don’t like thinking about it that much.”

Guilt washed over you like a sickly pestilence, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“S’okay, natural to be curious. I’d tell you anything you want to know.”

“You’re not ribbing me?”

He chuckled, “No bones about it. I appreciate that you wanted to be sensitive. I’d rather you know the truth from an actual monster than those crazy theories you humans post online.”

At that you laughed, your face flushing with some embarrassment, “Yeah, it didn’t take me long to figure out those were a skeleton of crap.”

He laughed, too, the sound rich and deep. It made you feel warm; it made your stomach squirm. You liked his laugh. Well, you liked his voice, too, with its almost sultry cadence.

“Would you show me your magic sometime?”

His skeletal face became tinged with blue, though you weren’t sure why.

“Sure, I can show you a trick or two.”

“Cool.”

 A couple of hours later, the two of you were certainly feeling the effects of those drinks, but it was entirely pleasant. Conversation came easily and naturally between you; the dinner—you hesitated to call it a date—had been a much-needed reprieve from everything that had happened in the last few weeks.

“You ready? It’s getting late…”

You nodded, checking your phone, and feeling a sense of surprise at how quickly the hours had passed.

“Geez, didn’t realise the time!”

Sans made to get up, reaching out a hand for you to take, “Need a hand?”

“Is that a clock pun?”

He snickered, you grabbed his hand gently, and he pulled you out of the booth and the restaurant. You liked the feeling of his bony hand as it engulfed your own. He was soft, but still firm.

You didn’t let go, even outside, and he didn’t protest.

The two of you walked down the street, hand in hand, in easy silence. All too soon, you reached the doors of your apartment building, but you didn’t want this night to end just yet.

“Want to come upstairs?”

He wiggled his browbone at you, to which you sputtered and blushed.

“Not like that!”

“I didn’t say a word.”

#but it's not funny #binf #binf undertale #chapter 15 #chapter 15 but it's not funny #undertal #san #sans/reader #sans/female reader #undertale fanfiction #sans fanfiction