#the interview is very long and very chewy

[angelengine]

Chris: Ultimately, [...] the [psychological] fight has a lot to do with the [inner] boy and the shame, the self-flagellation, the not enough and all of that stuff that we know. What happens in that circumstance at least for me, at 15, the [emotional] armoring is rigid and it was super helpful. It saved my life, I'm sure. But at some point you gotta dissolve the armor a bit. It's nice to loosen up. It's nice to smile a bit more. It's nice to invite joy in and not fight it. So much.

Dax: Entrust the good stuff a little bit more?

Chris: I don't know if I'm quite there yet cos that's its own separate form of childhood complexes which really was born just from seeing lack and the fear of lack and the disappearance of enough. So that's its own bag.

Dax: Yeah. Waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.

#chris pine #the interview is very long and very chewy #longform

[the-force-awakens]

with it officially being disability pride month, I wanna talk about my favorite disabled headcanon, which is for the one and only, my most beloved Poe Dameron. Buckle up, because this is a long post.

I actually have a few different disability headcanons, most of which hold up to canon/are extrapolated from canon, so we'll keep that in mind as we go through. I expect this to have about...four parts total. Let's go!

Hard of Hearing

I think a good case can be made that Poe is hard of hearing, with a few instances that could point to this fact, primarily the very beginning of the Rise of Skywalker. Even though Chewie is sitting right beside Poe, Poe does not understand what Chewie has said, because his head is turned (at no other point does Poe have any problem understanding Chewbacca, so we know it is not a linguistics issue)

It's only when he turns towards Chewie and Chewie repeats what he said that Poe understands what was said. There's also the frankly adorable moment in The Last Jedi that's extremely easy to miss, because it's a far away shot and we just barely catch what Poe says:

BB-8 is beeping so fast trying to catch Poe up that Poe has to request that he slow down so Poe can understand him. Other possible evidence of him being HoH (beyond the comical amount of explosions he's constantly caught in) is that there are several shots where we see Poe carefully watching the lips of the person he's speaking to as they're talking, as if that might help him keep up.

And (I don't have a gif of this lmao I'm not giffing him getting hurt) when Poe gets shot in tros, @/dameronalone pointed out it could be evidence he didn't hear the approaching stormtroopers when he turned to look the other way. @/hermitmoss has also pointed to his line at the start of tfa while being snarky at Kylo as further possible evidence, about how it's hard to understand Ren with the voice modulator.

Essential Hand Tremor

Another fact pointed out to me by @/hermitmoss (thanks Braigwen) is that when Poe goes to cover Leia's hand with his own in the Last Jedi, we see that his hand is shaking:

I later noticed that this isn't the only time that we see Poe do this, we see it again in the Rise of Skywalker, where he cannot keep his blaster steady as Rey approaches the serpent at all.

These are the only two circumstances I can find of his hands trembling in the movies, though, and we know from plenty of other scenes that Poe ordinarily can keep a blaster extremely steady:

Autism & ADHD

Okay this one I don't consider to be a headcanon, lmfao. I genuinely believe that Poe was intentionally coded as autistic/ADHD by Oscar Isaac.

Oscar playing/coding Poe as something that is never explicitly confirmed by Disney is far from new: Poe is coded as a bisexual (or pansexual) man, because that's how Oscar Isaac saw Poe and chose to play him, and even if we weren't gifted with it being made explicit, it's still there in his performance.

If you happen to be a fan of Oscar Isaac, or just a Marvel and Star Wars fan both, you'll know he starred in the Disney+ series Moon Knight last year as the Moon Knight system (Steven Grant, Marc Spector, and Jake Lockley).

Shortly after the first episode premiered, Oscar Isaac revealed in an interview that while trying to figure out who Steven was as a person, he came up with the idea that the system be on the Autism Spectrum, and approached Marvel to see if he could include it into his performances, and it was green-lit.

The Lunar system is the best intentional autistic representation I've ever seen, there are so many things they do that are so minor that I doubt most people would ever consider to include, but they are things that me and my friends do.

And there's an overlap in how Oscar plays the various autistic habits and traits of the Lunar system in how he portrays Poe. Most notably, Poe and Marc have extremely similar meltdowns:

There's plenty more overlap (Poe does the same anxious stim Steven does, of rubbing the inside of his index finger with his thumb) but there's so much there I'm not sure where all to begin. I have gone more in depth on the various autistic traits Poe shows throughout the films in this gifset here, though.

I'll go ahead and include some of the moments we see him stimming, that I have evidence of:

(he also does this same hand thing when he starts to leave BB-8 and promises to come back.)

We also see him fidgeting anxiously with his hands during the briefing in the last jedi:

Poe also has a habit of running his tongue along his bottom lip while he's stressed or thinking something through. Here's three examples from across the trilogy (there are plenty more):

We're leaning a little closer into ADHD territory now. I don't really know how to explain why I think Poe is ADHD, to be quite honest, besides the fact that he just radiates ADHD energy to me and I heavily relate. This is a man who cannot stay still, and frequently talks with his hands:

But there's also the fact that Poe oftentimes has a tendency to not be able to fully see the potential of negative outcomes to his decisions - he sees point a to point b, and sometimes becomes laser focused on that. It's something I understand perfectly, because it's hard for me to pull away from something I've already fully committed to doing, and it's even more difficult sometimes for me to truly understand what (and what kind of) consequences my actions will have.

Other evidence of him being extremely autistic (and adhd) is just....that he makes autistic expressions?

Like this...is an autistic expression, I've seen my best friend make this exact fucking face before, I don't know how else to explain it.

Misc Thoughts

Aside from the above, it's pretty much canon that Poe has anxiety and depression — at the very least, Poe Dameron: Free Fall by Alex Segura certainly does not shy away from the suggestion, and is one of the most implicit portrayals we have of it outside the films — it is a series of catastrophizing his circumstances that leads Poe to joining Zorii for a little while as a teenager, following a joyride that ended in a crash that Poe explicitly wishes he had not survived.

The movies themselves also points to Poe having PTSD, partially through the writing but mostly due to the nuanced and thoughtful performance Oscar Isaac gives as Poe (that goes....woefully underappreciated, seriously he adds so much depth to every single scene as Poe, including the thread of anxiety in Poe's voice when Rey mentions Ren's ship is over Kijimi, or constantly looking out to make sure they're not being followed in tros).

(Good expanded material follows through on this, such as Poe's reluctance to discuss anything about what happened aboard the Finalizer in the Poe Dameron: Flight Log, and becoming irate at the thought of having to. He's an extremely traumatized man, and he certainly doesn't deserve to be thrown out of an airlock jfc and he isn't as arrogant as the fascist regime he is fighting, tbh he's not arrogant at all).

Conclusion

I believe that sums up the majority of my Poe is disabled thoughts, or at least the ones that I think holds up very well within the canon framework. He's extremely disabled and - in the case of being neurodivergent - this is critical to understanding him as a character, especially considering his arc ends up being focused on interdependence.

I wish all fellow disabled folk a happy pride month, and I wish all very ableds a very "please do not be ableist on this post". You will be blocked otherwise.

#nym speaks #disabled tag #autism #poe dameron #my meta #sui ideation cw

[aninkwellofnectar]

Glad to see you around here ☺️

And to inaugurate your inbox (whenever you feel up for it, no rush)... what is it about Laila and Serafina that makes them the perfect protagonists for each book, from your perspective?

Lau have I ever told you that I love you? 💖

This is actually an excellent question because the parallels between Laila and Serafina and the duality of their narratives is something I find more and more chewy and weighty the more I ruminate on them. And I definitely don't think the story would pan out the same if they were in each other's narratives. Their specific strengths and weaknesses would get them to play it in another manner entirely.

First of all, I'll start with why Laila is the ideal protagonist for WHEN THE STARS ALIGHT and beyond.

I consider her to be a great way to toy with and counter the ingenue trope. The thing about Laila is a lot of the narrative hinges on the fact that she is quite sheltered, naive and overall ""untainted"" by the ills of the world. She doesn't have the in-depth knowledge of misogyny and how it works to become wise to it. So it makes sense for her to be ignorant of it (or arrogant regarding it). If she isn't innocent and hopeful enough to fall for someone like Darius a lot of her tragedy would be averted but, simultaneously, she needs that ~guise of dainty goodness to lure out the softer aspects of her leading men and make them less likely to fathom harming her.

If I may veer into a bit of a dark subject matter for a second, I was watching an interview by a woman who was held in a hostage situation by violent men and was constantly in fear of being raped by them. She talked about how she would often counter this threat by purposefully endearing herself to these men, cooking them meals, cleaning up after them, empathising with them and listening to them talk about the ills in their marriage. She phrased it as making them see and value her presence as a woman. The entire thing was sickening and chilling to me but definitely revealed something in the nature of how women develop these soft power strategies to subtly manipulate men and diffuse the threat of their violence. For her it worked for as long as it needed to for her to eventually get away to safety but it wasn't due to any inherent feminine goodness she held, she was sharp, decisive and very precise with these gestures. She knew what she was doing.

Laila is very much the same in that regard. She has the tools at her disposal and she plays them well and it works for her when she needs it to, for the most part, but at the same time this doesn't make her impervious to harm. And it's that balancing act that makes her the most suited for this type of narrative of cat and mouse.

Serafina, in contrast, doesn't have Laila's ignorance because she was never afforded it. She is very much genre-savvy. She knows the narrative she's in and the role she is intended to play very well. And by the time we meet her she is angry, simmering with resentment and unable to sand off the jagged edges of her prickly exterior. Serafina isn't the type of woman who endears men to her and she knows it, but more appropriate would be to say she doesn't care about it. She doesn't want to play these silly little games with them. She wants to talk to them frankly, man to man, and lay the cards flat on the table.

A lot of her tragedy is that she never tries to be a radical from the start and never truly wanted to. She isn't under any delusions that Cassius will ever love her and she doesn't want his love, but she will demand his respect. She approaches marriage with a businesslike air and is determined to get the best deal for her. She wants to make the system work for her, ramming herself constantly as a square peg into a round hole to no avail. It's only when it becomes clearer and clearer that the world as it is was not meant for her and would sooner see her dead than accept her that she decides to divest herself from it.

It's really that sense of alienation that gets her towards that point in THE SANGUINE SORCERESS and I don't think Laila would get there and what's more I don't think Laila has the sort of steely resolve to make the same choices Serafina does. Not in a way that's natural (as in, without the influence of magic). She'd probably just shatter instead.

#answered #laufire #teote lamentations

[srorgana1]

Into the Reverb (Kylo Ren/Reader)

Chapter Ten

You felt like you were flying as you and Kylo went down the freeway. “So where are we going?” you say over the classic sound of Led Zeppelin. “You’ll see” he says as he merges into the off-ramp. 4th Street Exit/Santa Monica Pier Exit. You squeeze his waist happily.

“We’re going to the Pier?!” you squeal. You have always wanted to come here. “Yeah we are, have you been before?” “No” you mumble, trying to remember what you knew of the historic landmark. You feel his wide body shake as he laughs “Well you're in for a treat.”

In less than 20 minutes, you and Kylo were parked and ready to head to the entrance. He looked at ease. His handsome face is free of the standard scowl you normally see. His dark gray t-shirt stretched over his thick chest, his dark arm and neck tattoos on display.

You take him in one long look at him feigning fixing your hair. “Like what you see, baby girl?” he growls with a wink. Damn he caught you. “Yes, I think I do Kylo, is that a problem?” you say with all the fake confidence in the world.

A large hand wraps around your waist, slamming you into him. “Not a problem at all” kissing you hard. His lips should be fucking illegal. You feel yourself start to heat up as the kiss continues, his hand drifting down to your hips and ass. He pulls back as he grabs your ass hard. You gasp at the sensation.

“Damn, I could listen to that all day” he huffs at your lips, hips still close. You smile at his comment. You two stand like that for a moment staring at one another. “You ready to go in?” he nods with his head towards the Pier entrance. You giggle as you kiss his nose, giving you a toothy smile. “Let's go.”

The Santa Monica Pier was chaotic. People everywhere. Loud sounds from the games and vendors. Performers on stilts in bright outfits and random troupes of circus performers. Music streaming from three different directions. All mixing with the salty sea air and food smells.

You didn’t know where to look first. Kylo laughed as he put on his RayBans. “Told you it can be a little intense. Do you want to do the carousel first or get food?” he said, squeezing your hand. “How about we evaluate the food options on the way to the carousel?” you say, eyes still roaming. “As you wish” he says, leading you to the left.

“How long have you lived in LA? I’m guessing not very long if you haven’t been here” Kylo asked as you both eyed the food vendors. “Five years now” you say “I'm from Maryland originally, came out here after college to use my degree.” Your face warms at the memory of packing all your shit up in your beater Honda and driving cross country to interview with Chewie.

“That’s awesome” he said, smiling down at you. “Where are you from? According to Wikipedia you are all from Las Vegas” you ask as you eye some delicious looking dulce de leche stuffed pancake balls. He chuckles and leads you to the stall. He takes off his sunglasses and places them on his shirt collar. “One order of the dulce de leche and one of the s’mores please” he says, handing the guy a twenty. The vendor nods as gets to work.

“Maybe I didn’t want those?” you snark, giving him a playful side eye. “Sure, you didn’t. I guess I’ll have to eat both then” he huffs dramatically. “No!” you squeal as he takes both orders in one hand and napkins in the other. He barks out a laugh as you latch one of your arms round him and try to reach for your food. He lifts it higher to spite you.

He cocks an eyebrow as you continue struggling. “Pay the toll and you can have it” he says in a smug tone. You roll your eyes as you reach up and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Your balls mademoiselle” he says with a flourish.

You try to hold in your laughter, but it comes out as a very unlady-like snort. Your face warms with embarrassment. Kylo looks down with wide eyes and starts laughing. Like full body laughing. God he thinks you're such a loser. You look down at your snack self-consciously.

"Oh shit baby, you are too cute” he cackles as he hands you the napkins so he can wrap his free arm around you. “Really, that was adorable,” he says, kissing the top of your head. You don’t know what to say so you stuff a pancake ball into your mouth and groan happily at the warm delicious treat. “They that good?” You shook your head in acknowledgment. “Good,” he says lowly. You leer at him as you hip check him.

“Phoenix by the way” he mumbles as you resume walking down the pier. You look up at him confused, cheeks full. “The Internet doesn’t know shit. I’m from Phoenix originally, I moved here when I was 15. Not a great home life so I emancipated myself and came here.” He said as he tried one of his own treats. You giggle at the indecent noise that came from him. “Fuck those are good!” he says digging in for more.

“I want one, how about we trade?” you say as a troupe of gymnast performers pass you. He nods his head as he pops another snack into his mouth. “Here you go” you say as you feed him one of yours. His lips wrap around your fingers along with the fried dough. A shot of arousal goes down your spine as you shiver.

He stills as he grabs your hand to keep it steady. You're lost in his eyes, almost looking golden in the sun. You feel his lips kiss your fingertips. You remove them quickly to not cause a scene. “Sweet, just like you” he says softly, tongue licking his lower lip.

He takes the remaining s’mores filled one from his paper dish and brings it to your mouth. You don’t know what comes over you, but your tongue darts out licking the powdered sugar off. His eyes darken at the action but didn't move. You bite down on the treat in your mouth and savor the chocolatey marshmallow goodness.

You barely swallow before his lips are on you, his tongue begging for entrance. You comply and are graced with caramel sweetness and taste uniquely Kylo. He hums against your lips as you move your hand from his chest to his nape, fingers playing with his soft hair. “So sweet” he rasps as he breaks the kiss. You smile “So are you” as you nuzzle your nose to his.

He kisses your lips one more time and wraps his arm around your waist leading you to the fair rides. “C’mon baby girl there’s lots more to see. And I did promise you a carousel ride didn’t I?”

—

Kylo cannot remember the last time he had this much fun. Sure after parties and random events on tour are fun, but this. Being able to just be a normal human, in a mass of humanity with his girl at his side tops it all. His face hurts from smiling and laughing so much.

After the carousel, he led you to the main pier overlooking the Pacific ocean. On the way, he bought tamales from Pier Tamale, claiming they were some of the best food at the pier. You thanked him happily and dove into your meal. He loves watching you be happy and carefree.

A familiar melody floated along the salty air. He chuckled and smiled into his food. “What?” “Do you hear it?” “No, what?” you say looking around frantically. He nods further down the pier to a small stage on the side which has a band playing. “Oh my god!” you laugh “I haven’t heard this song in forever!”

His heart swells as you begin to bop to the beat. “You think the Killers would let us do a cover?” he says as he takes a bite of his pork tamale. “Oh that would be awesome! You guys would kill Somebody told me!” you squeal happily as you eat your tortilla chips. “Only if you help, baby girl” he says with a wink. Kylo watches you smile and look out to the ocean. The sun is starting to set, painting the sky in sorbet shades. “Hey, you wanna go be cliché and do the Ferris Wheel?” he says, as he squeezes your hip. “Why not handsome?” you shrug playfully.

Squeezing into the gondola was a little more difficult than he thought. He grumbled as he pulled the bar down pushing his side into the wall to give you room. You laugh as you scoot close as you can to him and place a soft hand into his hair. He hums at the attention. “I think we are supposed to be close in these things” you joke as you look out to the sunset.

Kylo couldn't keep his eyes off you. The pink and coral sky reflects off the water painting you in a soft glow. “Baby girl, you are so beautiful” he says as wraps his arm around you. “You look so happy.” He feels you trace his ear with your thumb. “I am. Thank you for today, it's been amazing” you say, cheeks warm.

"You deserve it, and I will do anything in my power to keep you as happy as you are right now” he muses as he kisses your forehead. You surprise him by pulling him to your lips. He laughs to himself, what a perfect cliché moment for one of the best days of his life.

He is so caught up in the moment he doesn’t notice the small group of people who had been following you two around all day whispering to each other and taking pictures.

A big thanks to my girls for their continued support 🩷 @asnackdriver @the-wayward-rose @ladyzimmerman @thepilotanon @punk-in-docs

#adam driver #kylo ren au #kylo ren x reader #knights of ren #rockstar! kylo ren #kylo x y/n #kylo ren #star wars au #star wars

[shark-myths]

1/2 Hi hello I have a...Headcanon? Fic prompt? Grand unifying Mania to smfs tryst theory theory? Anyway it's this: There was some sort of 'fuck it lets just try again' decision around mania era and it was good! It was working out! And then there was covid and lockdowns and everyone had to make some really tough choices re: who we say irl and when and how often and that led to some real 'well maybe were fooling ourselves when we thought we could have it all this can't really work we did miss our-

2/2 -shot' ergo the smfs lyrical lean of 'I love you so much but this maybe really isn't our time'/ mixed in with all the other very project-written-during-covid ~vibes~ (which I love). But anyway there's a lot of time that can and did (if they started in 2021?) pass between writing lyrics and releasing music and working on the album after all that isolating introspection led right back to 'fuck it lets just be together life is short' hence The Way They're Acting now. *shrugs* idk

*

Love this, love you, thanks for the conspiracy ask!

we know from this kerrang interview and a few other casual mentions, like in patrick's album commentary from the release parties (still haven't listened to that myself but @leyley09 is an excellent on-the-scene reporter) that some of the writing for SMFS actually started before the pandemic, with Patrick dreaming up the music for What a Time to Be Alive right after the release of MANIA and Pete writing the lyrics that paired with it before the pandemic. so if the writing process went dormant in lockdown, we know many of the threads were connected before covid hit the US. (i'm also remembering the cute zoom sing-a-long pete & patrick did at the beginning of the pandemic where they were clearly in the same room but on separate video feeds so that we, viewing, could feel like we were all alone together)

I stand by my thought that MANIA's ask symbolizes open doors that are open-ended--the queer poly happily ever after is floated, and maybe it's answered and maybe it's not but i don't think any of those doors were closed, even by lockdown. i take the backwards-looking in SMFS as a way of acknowledging what's gone past and is no longer possible: having their whole lives being entwined together, maybe even raising a family together instead of with the lovely women they've chosen and built something beautiful with, not letting the fear of being found out determine the unhealthy shape their relationship took for the first 15-odd years of its course. i find this deeply relatable as a mid-30s bisexual, honestly, whose life could have looked really different in some really joyful ways if the culture had been more hospitable and open to queerness when i was growing up, but who also doesn't regret or want to change what i have now.

SMFS doesn't feel like a frantic too-lateness to me, it doesn't feel young; it feels plain and true, like, well, it is too late for some things, but that might not have worked out anyway, and as it stands we're everything to each other--patrick can't write songs without pete and pete feels like he's a painter who can't paint without fall out boy (the kerrang interview is giving me life, truly)--and it isn't so bad, having a soulmate, whether that manifestation is currently romantic or not. it's too late to change what's gone past but it's not too late for the entire future.

i've just never seen them so comfortable together and so matter-of-fact! like their closeness hasn't looked this easy since pete was making patrick squirm on vh1 by describing them as husbands nearly 20 years ago. i love the way no one's rushing to disguise or define or defend anything, they're just sitting there plainly like, this dude is everything to me, and it frankly is so beautiful and refreshing after the no-homo panic that characterized the early aughts.

i love your headcanon and it gave me all these lovely chewy thoughts! god i can't wait to see the fic that comes out of this. thank you darling!

#smfs #fob #asks #peterick #tryst theory #thanks anon

[walkawaytall]

Hey, I have a new one-shot called Opportunistic that I’ll be posting either tonight or tomorrow, but in the meantime, here’s an excerpt:

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

She was nearing the limits of her patience. She knew the plan, knew what Luke would say, knew she was supposed to wait in the background as back-up just like Lando, but the nod Boba Fett had given her, the way he’d conferred with Jabba right after she’d handed Chewie over…She couldn’t risk sticking around much longer. Something was very, very wrong.

A year. We’ve waited nearly a year. I can wait another day.

The year that had passed had been borderline torturous. Leia had caught up with the Alliance, a horribly injured Luke in tow. She’d had to explain why she’d been out of contact for so long, why Lando was present. She’d had little explanation for Luke’s condition — he wouldn’t talk about it aside from occasionally choking out “Vader” before dissolving into hysterics, which was roughly her own reaction for the first three days whenever anyone asked about Han. General Rieekan had finally asked if she could write out a statement rather than attempting anything verbal, had compared her written report with Chewie and Lando’s interviews, and never asked her to speak about Bespin again.

She did speak about it, but in her own time and using as few words as possible. No one knew the depths of her agony. No one even officially knew she and Han had been involved, though at this point, anyone who claimed to be unaware was being intentionally obtuse. They’d remarked on how she came back different, watched over the months as she lost a visible amount of weight, went full days without uttering a word to anyone, had days where she could barely dress herself and reweaving the braids she’d slept in had felt like entirely too much. She’d spent more time on this rescue plan than on any Alliance business for the past eight months, and she’d gone on leave for the past two. If anyone was still in the dark about how she felt about Han Solo, they were choosing to stay there.

#fanfic excerpt #fanfiction excerpt #excerpt #fanfiction #leia organa #star wars fanfiction #star wars fanfic #ao3 #han solo #leia organa fanfic #ao3 writer #return of the jedi #ROTJ missing moment #my fic

[acciomalfoy]

the familiar scent of peppermint (theo nott x reader)

A/N: THIS IS A COLLAB WITH @fromashescomephoenixes GO CHECK HER OUT! SHES TOTALLY AWESOME!

“Morning, sister dearest.” Draco smiled at me as I sat next to him, my seat in the Great Hall vacant.

“I don’t want to hear it. Where’s Theo?” I paused. “And Blaise?” I held my breath for a long moment as Draco regarded me, and I held his gaze.

“They’ll be here shortly. Blaise had a wardrobe malfunction.” Draco said, his lips stretching into a small smile. I sniggered, and turned around when I felt a whack on my shoulder.

“That’s not a very nice greeting, is it now Blaise?” I mocked, and I smiled when I saw Theo standing behind him.

“Hey Y/n. Sleep well?” He asked as he slid into the seat across from me, and I almost melted into a puddle. I felt my brothers ever present gaze on me, and I nodded.

“Something like that. Got any plans for Christmas break?” I wondered, and he shrugged.

“Owls are coming.” Theo said, and I looked up to see the flock of owls swooping down.

“There’s Chewy and Joopie.” I saw myself and Draco’s owls before he did, and Chewy sat himself in front of me.

“Hey, pretty boy.” I cooed as I took the letter from his beak, and I offered him a blueberry as a reward. He stared at me, and I reluctantly offered two that he snatched up.

“What’s yours say?” Draco was already trying to peer at my letter before opening his, and I rolled my eyes.

“Let me read it myself, will ya?” I sighed loudly as I undid the seal, and I began reading.

To Y/n Malfoy,

Morning darling! Last week we found out that Milly Bulstrode got engaged, do you remember that? You used to play with her when you were in diapers! Well, it has set your father off. Most people are already betrothed by the time their your age, and with a war coming your father has decided it’s time to find suitors for yourself and your brother. Yours will be a Christmas wedding, I’ve already started planning it. If you have any preferences for men and for the wedding, do let me know so I can discuss it with your father.

Sincerely,

Narcissa Malfoy, neé Black.

I froze, and I felt Draco freeze beside me as we read the letter at the exact same time.

“We’re fucked.” I said, and I hated how wobbly my voice sounded. I was a Malfoy, and it wasn’t appropriate in the slightest.

“What?” Blaise asked, but I saw Theo nudge him. I risked a glance at Draco, and we were deers in a headlight.

“Father’s begun meeting suitors for Y/n, she’s to be married on Christmas Day. My wedding will be sometime after that.” Draco muttered, and I stared helplessly at my plate.

“What can we do?” Theo asked, and my heart ached even more than it ordinarily did.

“Unless one of you want to marry her, nothing.”

Blaise choked on his coffee and began to laugh. I glared at him while mentally searching for a suitable response. Unfortunately I was distracted by the adorable blush that had settled on Theo’s face. He rubbed the back of his neck shyly and laughed slightly- to me it sounded forced but I’m sure it was simply my imagination running wild again.

—

Luckily I had a free period after breakfast, which I spent in my room crafting a response to my mother dearest. It was turning into a harder task than I anticipated to say the least.

Dearest Mother.

I do in fact remember dear Milly! She was the brat that stole my—

No, too bitter. I sighed. How could I pretend to like her when all I had were unpleasant memories of us as five year olds? I began again, focusing on another point of my mother’s letter.

Hello mother,

I certainly was pleased to here from you! About the wedding: could we have Santa Claus there?

This wouldn’t do at all. I knew it was no use to argue, especially since it was only a little over two weeks before the dreaded day. Perhaps if I phrased it correctly I could by myself a little more choice in the matter. I began a fresh piece of parchment  and crafted a final letter.

Dearest Mother,

I must say I was surprised by this unexpected announcement! In fact it is shocking that nothing has been arranged previously... A Christmas wedding will be lovely, especially if we can use lots of Slytherin green in the decor. In the theme of Christmas, I had an idea: what if I had twelve days (starting tomorrow) to find a fiancé? Otherwise, of course, the choice will be left to you and father. Please do let me know!

Love,

Y/n

I rewrote the letter twice to ensure it used an acceptable amount of prim phrasing in order to please her. Unfortunately, I was so wrapped up in my work that I didn’t even hear my brother invite himself into my dorm.

“Always the perfect daughter, aren’t we?” He teased with a hint of bitterness in his tone.

“Please. As if you wouldn’t say anything to gain even the smallest amount of control over this.”

“Oh believe me, I have,” Draco grinned before leaving. I rolled my eyes. Of course he would have an easier time with his dashing good looks and many love interests.

——

I counted through the list again. I had managed to find four suitable suitors that might be bearable for both me and my family. Unfortunately only one of those truly stood out.

Theodore Nott.

——

Lunch was quiet that day. Mother had given me the go-ahead, but no doubt she was already cooking up suitors. Draco and I were obviously a bit quiet, which left a lot of conversation space for Blaise to fill without much help from Theo. I eventually huffed so much Blaise was forced to stop mid-conversation about his mothers eighth husband. Something like that.

“What do you want, baby Malfoy?” He laughed at the face I made, and I shook my head.

“You’re going to have to marry me, Blaise. Mother has given me twelve days to find a husband, and you’ll do.” I said, and Blaise spat his mouthful of pumpkin juice all over me.

“You little bitch!” I cried as I stood up in shock, and Blaise, for his part, seemed shocked.

“I’ll do? I’ll have you know that I intend on being the best husband ever to exist, you maniac. Besides, I’ve been betrothed to Alexandra Abbott since before I was born, thanks to my ever-present father.” I winced. I hadn’t known that, and neither had Theo by the look on his face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, and Blaise shook his head.

“I already know that Mum will kill her after the wedding, let’s not beat around the bush. Did you want to meet that same fate?” He fired back, and I shook my head.

“Death seems sort of appetising right about now, but I’ve got to go interrogate my other options.” I explained, and Blaise followed Theo in squinting at me.

“When you planning on interviewing me?” Theo asked quietly, looking at me the way he does. He was so pretty it hurt.

“Best til last, darling. Best til last.” I replied, my heart fucking hammering in my chest. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry, but no one could see me like that aside my brother. Draco stood up suddenly.

“We have a free period. Anyone joining me in the library?” He asked, and we all stood up.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Blaise said, and off we went.

—

“Give me that, you tosser!” I watched as Blaise snatched his potions essay back from Draco, and I rolled my eyes. Blaise knew even less about potions than I did, and that was saying something.

“Need help?” Theo murmured from beside me, and I turned to smile at him.

“Thank you, Theo, but-“ He waved his hand in my face, and settled his finger on my lips, silencing me. Now that they were right in front of me, I noticed the rings he adorned on his fingers. I recognised two of the four as being Nott family heirlooms, but that was about it.

“Malfoy’s don’t need help,” Theo mimicked something I had definitely said in the past, and I laughed.

“You’re annoying. Cute, but annoying.” I picked up my quill quickly, fucking terrified as to why I just said that.

There was a long pause.

“I’ll have you know I’m not annoying at all, just cool.” He said, and I grinned back at him.

“Why have you started writing about asphodel roots? We’re doing pearl dust this week, and following up with amortentia next week.” Theo explained, and I frowned. Potions sucked.

“When did we asphodel roots?” I asked warily, and Theo bit his lip. His pink, soft looking lips.

“First year?” I stared at him blankly.

“Come on, let’s sort out this essay.” He said kindly, and he pulled my chair closer to him. I hid my blushing cheeks behind my hair, and nodded.

“So... Pearl dust-“ I begin, but trail off. I’ve realised I know absolutely nothing on the topic. “Is used in Amortentia,” Theo nodded, amused at how I was struggling.

“Hey! You said you’d help! Stop laughing,”

I faked a pout and turned away from him. Thank Salazar I did because he gently brushed my arm and turned me back around.

“Alright! Alright,” He threw his hands up before pulling his chair even closer to mine. I decided to glare at my parchment rather than acknowledge his strong gaze on the gradually redder side of my face. I bit back a smile, and thankfully he broke the silence.

“Well, for starters,” He briefly touched my hand. Was that on purpose? Quick, focus. “They symbolise loyalty,” He explained. “Therefore they play a strong role in creating the obsession part of the potion,” he continued. I frowned though, as it didn’t quite make sense.

“But people in real love are loyal,” I looked up at him, but he seemed to be staring into space.

“They should be,” he replied darkly. He brushed my hand one last time before rapidly exiting the library. I was torn whether I should follow or leave him be. He always had been a bit more of a loner. But then again, most slytherins are...

I walked back to the dungeons on my own. Since Theo ran off, I had to piece together the two facts I knew into about seven inches of parchment. Thank Salazar that I had big handwriting, although I’m sure the teachers wouldn’t see that as a positive.

“Y/n!” I heard footsteps chasing after me. Then a tall shadow.

“Theo,” I greeted him with a nod. I kept walking, as I knew I would soon fall behind his quick strides.

“Sorry I ran off,” He whispered a bit. I noticed he was rubbing the back of his neck again.

“It’s okay,” I nodded, deciding not to push the topic right now. We walked in silence a little farther until I tried to start a new conversation.

“So, what does your amortentia smell like?” I asked brightly. I knew I’d have to invent something if he asked me, but my curiosity got the better of me.

“Oh, er-“ he mumbled about squid for a moment before quickly excusing himself to go to the great hall. So, I continued towards the common room myself.

“Dearest Sister!” Draco cried dramatically from his favorite green armchair. He always sat there, and most of the first years knew better by now than to test that fact.

“Yes?” I groaned, not feeling up to being nice today.

“Yikes who stepped on your snake tail?” He asked in a cold but slightly teasing tone.

“Sorry Draco, I’ve had a long day.” I sighed.

“Yeah a long day flirting with one of my best mates!”

“One of your best mates? I’ll have you know that Mother introduced me to Theo first!” I retorted, and slowly froze as I met Draco’s smirk.

“So I’m right, then? You fancy the pants off of him!” Draco was always quick to draw conclusions, I’ll give him that.

“It doesn’t matter, anyway, considering I’m marrying the man of mother’s choice.” I said glumly, and Draco waved his hand.

“She gave you like a week and a half did she not?” He asked, and I nodded.

“So? I-I’m not like you, Draco. I don’t have people falling at my feet, and I know I’m going to have to marry whoever she chooses.” I hadn’t admitted my embarrassing insecurities to my brother yet, and I was met with silence.

“Literally shut up. Do you remember in third year when you started getting those letters? The ones that talked about how pretty you are, and the boys that all wanted to ask you out?” I did remember, and I remembered the embarrassment of when they stopped, proving it was all a joke.

“I tracked down every single one of those boys, and I made sure they knew they didn’t deserve you. Don’t fucking doubt who you are or your worth.” He stood up aruptedly, and walked right out of the common room.

I sat in the common room for a long time, the Black Lake’s creatures my only company. It wasn’t until I heard one of my favourite drawls talking to the Bloody Baron.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Blaise asked as he stared at me, and I stared back.

“What?” Blaise scoffed.

“You need to fucking talk to your mother, or at least someone you can marry. We have ten days left of school, and you’re wasting them all moping about.”

“I am not!” I cried. “I have a list,” The second I said that I regretted it. Blaise shook his head.

“A list?” He rubbed his eyebrow for a moment, as if he was the expert of instantly finding a suitor that was also acceptable to your parents. I allowed the silence to stretch out while he took a seat sprawling gracefully upon the green velvet couch.

“Well,” He began impatiently, “let’s see it then!” I blushed, especially since it was so small. I held a silent debate over whether I really wanted Blaise to see it or not. He made the choice for me by summoning it from my dorm.

“Oh Merlin,” I slumped further into my cushy armchair.

“Graham Montague?” Blaise knitted his eyebrows together. “He’s already betrothed,”

“So are you,” I sighed. Blaise laughed a cold laugh.

“Sorry darling,” He threw a wink my way.

“Wow, my mother really was late to the party huh?” I joined in with my own dry laugh for a moment.

“You would go mad if you married Crabbe or Goyle,” He shook his head.

“Didn’t even write them down,”

“That leaves Miles Bletchley or Theo,”

“So do you think I should pick a target out of those two?” Blaise nodded as I said this. Of course I should. And of course it should be Theo. If I had retained my right to pick my own fiancé in my own time it probably would have been him anyway.

“It should be Theo,” I admitted.

“Merlin, It only took an arranged marriage to get you to say that.” Blaise smirked at me.

“What do you mean?!”

“Anyways, you have ten days to get him to agree to marry you.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“So what’s the plan?” Honestly Blaise couldn’t really expect me to know how to charm Theo after the various train wrecks of today...

——

The piles of papers around were parchments I never thought I would have read anytime soon. Instead of trying to revive my potions grade I was attempting to decide what kind of bouquet I would like for my wedding.

“I think the roses suit you.” Pansy said, and I stared at her.

“Everything suits me.” Pansy snorted, and I glared.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night. Anyway, roses also suit Theo, so you don’t have to stress about the bouquet anymore. Cissy said she can arrange to have green flowers, since the theme is going to be white and Slytherin green. Salazar, I wish I were getting married!” Pansy sighed quite dramatically in my opinion, and flopped onto her bed.

“It might not be to Theo, stop getting my hopes up.” I said glumly, and Pansy sighed again.

“Go talk to him, I’m sick of you complaining.” As if to prove a point, she then turned and faced the opposite way. I stood up, rolling my eyes at her back.

“Whatever.” I huffed as I walked out, and I scoffed when I saw the finger Pansy had blindly shoved in my direction.

As I walked down to the common room, I saw a familiar mop of brown curls and couldn’t stop myself from smiling. Theodore Nott really was something.

“Hey.” I slid onto the love seat beside him, and he looked up from the book he was reading.

“Y/n. How are you? Potions treating you better?” The smirk on his face made my failing potions grade absolutely worth it.

“Something like that. Have you decided on your Christmas plans yet?” I asked, and Theo shrugged.

“Attend your wedding, I assume.” I swallowed. Six days left until my timer was up and Mother had free reign.

“We should just ditch it.” I suggested, and he laughed.

“Not much of a wedding without you, is it?” He had a point, but I wasn’t in the mood for it.

“If you had to get married right now who would you choose?” I asked, and Theo stared at me.

“I don’t know. Probably Draco, I heard his hair is insured for millions.” I snorted at the unexpected joke, and Theo grinned at me.

“Almost a billion, I’ll have you know.” I added, and Theo nodded.

“I can tell. Anyway, why do you ask? Are you getting married to a girl?” I was happy to see Theo wasn’t being a dick, and he was just curious.

“No, I’m just wondering who’d you pick. Pansy, right?” I knew damn well Theo didn’t like Pansy, but I enjoyed stirring the pot a little too much.

“Shut up, Y/n. You’ll make me sick right here! Honestly, I would probably just run away and return when I feel I’m ready.”

“You’re a wise guy, Theo.” I said, and when I saw his dimples I almost collapsed on the couch.

—

The weekend had proved to be a waste of time, and I had hardly talked to Theo, too busy drowning in school assignments while trying to plan my wedding. It was a double potions on Monday, and I fucking hated potions.

“What are we learning today?” I whispered to Pansy as I slid into my seat beside her.

“Amortentia.” She replied, and I nodded. That explained why the smell of Theo’s peppermint shampoo drenched the place.

“Ms. Y/l/n,” Snape addressed me. “Would you care to explain how you managed to fail our previous essay so dismally,” I mentally facepalmed before attempting to respond.

“I- I’m sorry professor,” According to Snape’s face this was not a suitable response. I tried again: “I’ve been a bit preoccupied this week,”

“And what might have been distracting you enough that you earned a dreadful? Mind you, it was only a few marks off a troll,” His words would have stung less of they weren’t spoken in such a cold, slow voice.

I decided to mumble a jumbled response, given Snape wasn’t the most sympathetic listener.

“Very well,” Snape nodded slightly. “In hopes that your grade will improve, you best sit with Theo and have him help you,” I felt like jumping up and down, and throwing up in the exact same moment. Slowly, I moved over to Theo’s desk while trying to review the conversation starters I had come up with.

Really, I shouldn’t be worrying because I’ve known him my whole life basically. But this was different. I wanted to fucking marry him, not play a game of cards!

“Sorry,” I grimaced while sliding onto the bench.

“Don’t be,” Theo smiled gently. Holy shit, this love potion wouldn’t make me feel any different to how I already felt about him. “Unless you’re apologising for avoiding me all weekend,” He said seriously.

“Well I am sorry about that,” I bit my lip self consciously. He nodded as he spooned out a few teaspoons of pearl dust into the swirly potion.

“I really didn’t mean to, I’ve just been in a different world this week.” He nodded more understandingly this time, as he meticulously chopped the mint leaves we needed to add next.

“Ms. Y/l/n, are you helping or talking?” Snape stormed past our table, looking surly.

“Helping, professor!” Theo assured him.

“Do you smell anything yet?” He inquired. We both shook our heads.

“Could be because Y/n put so much perfume on this morning,” Theo teased me. I couldn’t smell it myself, but maybe I was just becoming desensitised to it.

“Please, you’re cologne and shampoo are practically a cloud around you!” I elbowed him. He simply smirked at me. Snape was looking as amused as I’ve ever seen him.

“You’ve both earned an outstanding,” He snarled before fluttering away.

“But sir!” Theo called after him. “We turned in it on time!” I giggled at his joke, even though I guessed it would prompt one of the few times Snape took points away from his own house. Thankfully, I was wrong. Our potion must have looked better than it smelled I suppose.

——

“You have to ask him!” Pansy elbowed me. It was the next morning, and last night I had totally failed at seducing Theo.

“What do I fucking say?” I whispered angrily. “Hey you’re cute and I like you. Wanna get married in five days?”

We slid into our usual seats in the great hall, and lucky for me Theo was already there.

“What’s up?” He asked smiling at me.

“Not much,” I murmured as I stuffed my face with a piece of pizza. “What class have you got next?”

“Free period, you?”  I could have leapt for joy, this would be a perfect chance to spend more time with him.

“Same! Maybe we could study together?” I suggested.

“Oh very romantic,” Pansy muttered under her breath. Luckily, Theo seemed not to hear.

“Of course.” He smiled. “You might need some more help with the next potions essay!” He smirked.

“Clearly Snape made that arrangement for your benefit,” I pushed him gently. Theo blushed slightly and turned serious.

“I wanted to apologise, you didn’t have to wash your perfume off. I was only teasing about it being to strong,” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Thanks, but don’t worry. I didn’t even put it on today.” I responded, forgetting the whole ‘amortentia smells like what you love you’

Everyone was staring at us. Fuck.

“Shall we go study?” Theo asked,  taking my hand and pulling me up from the bench. We were both graciously ignoring the fact our amortentia smells like each other.

“On second thought, maybe we could do something else? I’m just so tired of school, I could really use a break.” Theo stared at me before his face spread into a grin.

“I’ve got just the place.”

—

“Do you come here often?” I asked. We were sat at some point in the Forbidden Forest, and the first five minutes we were here I was practically shitted myself, all too aware of the creatures that resided here.

“Yeah, I’d say so. It’s just so peaceful.” Theo smiled wistfully at the trees, and he was absolutely right. It was silent aside occasional squeaks and squawks, and for the first time in the past week and a half I finally felt calm.

We sat in silence for a long time, and eventually I became too scared to break it. I stole a look at the boy beside me, and I saw Theo had closed his eyes at some point. Free to stare at him without repercussions, I finally got the chance to truly admire him. His curly dark hair made his skin look paler, the olive tones appearing washed out. His eyelashes were long and I was silently jealous of them, considering mine were about as long as my fingernails. When he opened his eyes he smiled.

“Hey.” His voice sounded hoarse, and as time became irrelevant I wondered how long we had been here for.

“Hi.” I said, and I felt so incredibly shy, the way he was looking at me made me want to shrink.

“You look pretty.” He sat up from the rock, and I turned away.

“How long have we been here?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“Long enough to be late to potions.” I sat up quickly and threw myself off of the rock, as though I could apparate into the dungeons.

“Don’t worry, we’ll say we had to do Hagrid a favour or something.” Theo laughed, and we set onwards towards the castle.

“Do you ever think about what life will be like after Hogwarts?” I asked, and Theo didn’t meet my gaze.

“I don’t know. Sometimes I do, I guess. It’s hard to though, because life will be changed so drastically after the war, especially if You-Know-Who wins.” Theo said, and I nodded.

“I know.” Nothing more could be said, and when we walked into potions, the familiar scent of peppermint was overwhelming.

“L/n, Nott. Since you arrived late you’ll be telling the class what you smell in the Amortentia,” Snape ordered, and Theo shared a grimace with me. “L/n, you first.”

“Okay,” I walked up to the front and ignored the stares of my classmates. “I smell peppermint mostly, but there’s also hints of roses mixed with sugar.” I stepped back from the potion, almost hitting my head on a low hanging ingredients shelf.

“Nott.” Theo looked at me nervously, and I tried to smile reassuringly, but I had no clue.

“There’s this perfume, but I’ve no clue what the scent is. I can smell vanilla and cinnamon as well.” He stepped back, and it wasn’t until Pansy elbowed me in the side did I realise what exactly those scents were.

“Professor Snape!” I stood up. Merlin this was taking some guts. “Theo and I left our cauldrons in the common room, we should go get them now,” I grabbed Theo’s hand and we raced towards the door.

“Ms, L/n!” I heard low shouts behind me. “10 points from Slytherin!” The rest of the words were drowned out by cheers of various Gryffindors.

——

Theo and I collapsed in laughter back inside the common room. We sat opposite each other in our favourite green armchairs.

“So why did we really need to leave?” Theo asked. For a moment I thought he was serious, and hadn’t realised what the scent of his amortentia actually was. Then I saw the soft twinkle in his hazel eyes.

“Oh, you know...” I trailed off and big my lip. I decided this would be best to say as fast as possible.

“Wesmelledeachotherinrheamortentiaandivebeeninlovewithyousincethridyearwillyoumarryme?” A small smile began to grow upon Theo’s soft lips.

“Sorry, what was that?” He asked. I wasn’t sure if he truly didn’t understand, or if he was enjoying hearing my thundering heart beat. I took a deep breath. I wanted this to be right.

“Hang on,” I suggested. “We need to go back to the forbidden forest.” I may as well make sure this is as good as it can be...

——

We’re back in the forbidden forest. Theo is still smirking slightly, while also looking slightly confused.

“Now,” I began, wringing my hands back and forth. “Theo I’ve known you since we were babies. I’ve got to say, when we were in diapers I never imagined this happening. But I’ve dreamed of it for a while now. I know this a completely rushed and insane situation, but sometimes that’s what you need to realise... Theo, I really like you, and I can’t imagine marrying anyone other than my best friend. Will you marry me this Christmas?” Theo was grinning like an idiot at me. And he was taking tantalisingly small steps towards me.

“Yes,” He whispered while taking my face in his hands, and gently angling it to fit our lips perfectly together.

Time stopped, and the two days before our wedding seemed like forever. I was here, kissing Theo. My fiancé.

——

Christmas Eve was a quiet affair. It was spent with my family and the Nott’s in Malfoy manor.

Mother was ecstatic about my choice. Apparently that’s who she had been planning on already, but Theo had told me his mom was bent on him marrying for love.

We had a large dinner and completed the final tasks before the big day. Before I knew it, morning was here!

My mother helped me get into my a line style wedding dress. The train stretched fifteen feet behind me, and I loved this one because it had an empire waistline. Our the manor’s greenhouse was the location of our wedding. And despite the strange circumstances, it was everything I’d ever dreamed. There was an aisle between the rows of chairs, with a green runner down the centre for me to walk on.

“You look lovely, darling.” Father patted my shoulder, and I beamed at him. His words of approval were all I ever wanted to hear.

“Are you ready?” He asked, and I nodded. Pansy and Daphne had already walked down with Blaise and Draco, and there was only one thing left to do.

“I love you, dad.” He stared at me for a second, and I began to second-guess myself. I hadn’t called him dad since I was in diapers.

“I love you too, Y/n.” Dad whispered softly, and I squeezed his hand tightly.

“Let’s do this.”

—

The ceremony flew by, as per pureblood customs, and before I knew it I was sat beside Theo, binding ourselves to the marriage certificate.

“You’re a dork.” I laughed in delight as I saw Theo carve a dick onto the table, and he grinned back.

“Shut up. I’m your dork, and you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.” He said, and I narrowed my eyes.

“Don’t be so sure about that. I might get some hints from Yemaya, Blaise’s mother.” He poked me in the side as he stuck in his tongue out, and I leaned on his shoulder, completely in bliss.

Theo really was the best.

#theo nott #theo nott x reader

[bedlamsbard]

All right, reactions to Mando 2.05, “The Jedi”, in...semi-coherent form. Spoilers, obvs. I hated this episode, so keep scrolling now if you don’t want to see negativity.  This is not in any kind of order except stream-of-conscious.

again, I reiterate, spoilers.

again, I reiterate, this is REALLY negative.

Rosario Dawson...yikes.

how...did Bo-Katan know that Ahsoka was on Corvus? are they in contact? since when? Ahsoka seems to have been on Corvus for long enough to be a nuisance to the Magistrate (Morgan Elsbeth), but normally Ahsoka is very efficient and she just...really does not seem to be here? I did not get the impression she was planning on sticking around for any period of time.

(the same could be true for Frog Lady and Bo-Katan on Trask several episodes back. that wasn’t a convert, that was three Mandalorians hanging around the port in cloaks. I guess they could be doing that on the regular, but? would the Empire not then be more worried about being attacked by Mandalorians?)

there was only ever a very, very slim chance that I was going to be happy with any translation of Ahsoka from animation to live action.  I am on record as thinking that animation is the medium for Star Wars and that live action is always going to be a weaker medium than animation and that a lot of things that can be done in animation just cannot be translated to live action in any meaningful form.  I knew Ahsoka’s fighting style couldn’t translate to live action convincingly (here’s what I said about the mo-capped duel in TCW); it never occurred to me that they couldn’t pull off TOGRUTA given that Shaak Ti, you know, exists, and also there are so many excellent Ahsoka cosplayers.

(Consider KM Creations’ excellent silicone lekku (S7), which have beautiful movement; the cosplayer behind that is CallMeSnips and her epilogue prototype is from SWCC is in there somewhere.  I think Rei Kennex’s are latex (you can tell they don’t have much movement) but at least they’re the right length.  I think Ahsoka94′s are also latex (again with the movement); this is her Mortis vision grown-up Ahsoka.)

AND YES, THE LEKKU/MONTRALS WERE A DEAL-BREAKER FOR ME.

I feel very “you have made your bed and now you have to die in it” about that -- apparently the reasoning is for stunts and movement, but for me here’s the thing: her lekku length wasn’t optional.  This is not the equivalent of changing a hair style, which some people seem to think (believe me, I have read so many hot takes); this is like...I’m trying to think of a good comparison.  Like putting Peter Mayhew or Joonas Suotamo in a wig because Chewie’s head was too hard for the actor to see out of, or giving them normal human hands because they can’t grip with the Wookiee hands.

Also your main character wears a helmet at all times that (if it’s anything like my Mandalorian helmet) is pretty poor visibility and full body armor and THIS was your breaking point for stunts?

Ahsoka’s lekku and montrals grow as she ages. These are about S7 length; as @reena-jenkins put it, THEY DE-AGED HER HEAD.  Ahsoka fans coming in know this.  PEOPLE SAW THE REBELS EPILOGUE.

I wonder how many of the people being self-righteous about being totally fine about Ahsoka’s lekku are the same people who claim that Katee Sackhoff is too young to play Bo-Katan.

this also puts them in a weird position in regards to the inevitable merchandise: do they go with normal Ahsoka from TCW and Rebels, the one everyone is familiar with, or do they go with these stunted lekku?

(I can’t believe they’re going to make Her Universe sell merch with this Ahsoka on it. it’s not going to happen but I wish HU was going to be petty enough to not sell any nu!Ahsoka merch.)

Here is some nice art of how Ahsoka’s lekku and montral should have looked.

hoo boy were those prosthetics also just Bad.

“but the stunts” buddy I’m sure Pedro Pascal and his various stunt doubles aren’t having a great time in full armor with almost no visibility either

if you’re going to put the character in, do it right

YOU CAN’T CHEAT

look, I am really, really aural -- the best example I can give is that even though intellectually I know that Matt Lanter and Hayden Christensen both play Anakin Skywalker, I literally cannot parse them as both being the same Anakin Skywalker and for that reason TCW and the PT don’t exist for the same continuity for me.  (This also goes for Ewan McGregor and James Arnold Taylor, Natalie Portman and Cat Taber, and Samuel L. Jackson and TC Carson. I can kinda cope with the multiple Palpatine VAs. Yes, the decision to use Hayden and Sam in Ahsoka’s vision in “Shattered,” even blending into Matt’s voice from Hayden’s, threw me so badly I couldn’t take the vision seriously.)  Ashley Eckstein has a very distinctive voice, and moreover has been the only person to ever voice Ahsoka up to this point (even in the Ahsoka novel audiobook). Barring a MIRACLE I was never going to be able to parse another actress’s voice as Ahsoka’s, solely because of how my brain works.

I could probably have parsed someone else’s face because animated Ahsoka is pretty stylized but the voice thing is a huge problem for me because of how aural I am.

(I say this but when Squadrons did a more live action-style Hera -- knowing they mo-capped Vanessa Marshall I think they used Vanessa’s face for Hera’s, which is also what it looks like on the revised art and face sculpt for the Black Series Hera -- I kind of had a meltdown about it (for...weird reasons). And that was the same VA.)

(The timeskip between TCW and Rogue One, then Rebels, probably saved Saw Gerrera for me here, but he was also never a main character.)

can you believe that Sam Witwer’s Maul got more live action respect than Ashley Eckstein’s Ahsoka

I love Sam’s Maul but wow

this is particularly jarring because Dave Filoni and Ashley Eckstein always seemed like they were friends? I realize that this gets skewed by how little of their actual lives we see online, but that is the vibe that I’ve gotten from interviews and social media posts.

can you believe that TROS gave more respect to Ashley Eckstein’s Ahsoka than Dave Filoni’s Mando episode did (here is her statement on TROS.)

back in March, when the Dawson casting rumors first dropped (or leaked, as the case may be), Ashley posted a statement about it saying that she was not involved in The Mandalorian. she has over the years been very vocal about desperately wanting to play live-action Ahsoka, who is a character solely associated with her up until today, and honestly this just breaks my heart.

I am not the massive Ashley Eckstein fan that many Ahsoka fans are, but I have never heard anything bad about her (I saw her at my hotel at SWCC while I was waiting for my roommate to arrive! that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to her, a distance of about six feet), and I really desperately hope that someone told her about this beforehand and she didn’t find out from watching the episode.

Also, while I’m here talking about Ashley Eckstein, the characterization here was extremely off, in that specific way that happens when a writer/director is working with their absolute favorite character, DAVE FILONI. I do trust Ashley to course-correct Dave on Ahsoka (in the same way we’ve heard about Sam Witwer pushing back on people about Maul), and that...was not happening here.  (I think Katee Sachoff said something similar to this about Bo-Katan in her interview last week, as well.)

how did you get Bo-Katan so right and Ahsoka so wrong

look, Dave Filoni is truly living up to George Lucas’s legacy in that he can story tell pretty well but he’s not actually that great at nitty-gritty of writing and directing. (none of the really good TCW episodes are his.)

this episode made me think of A Friend in Need (which he directed) which is not, like, a BAD episode but quite notoriously includes the Bo-Katan ass-slap and also Ahsoka beheading four Mandalorians at once.

it also includes a helpless village of oppressed and exploited Asian-coded civilians who are there mostly as background scenery so the bad guys can be bad and the heroes can feel righteous

I’ll come back to that one

the level of violence in this episode was...weird. honestly, too high? in a way that probably would not have registered if it was anyone but Ahsoka. look, I am an animated shows person. I know TCW and Rebels inside and out. I know that neither one is particularly shy about killing off faceless bad guys (though if you watch Rebels S1 compared to Rebels S4 they really dial back the amount of fatal violence the main characters commit in the last season, lol).  But this felt off for Ahsoka in a way I can’t really articulate.

why is Ahsoka attacking a random Mandalorian (her allies are Mandalorians!) who is walking through the woods WITH A BABY? WITHOUT WARNING?

part of that is just her movement -- when they animated her for TCW back in 2008, they made a deliberate decision to give her mannerisms and movement and a fighting style that a human can’t do because she isn’t human and animation can do that. which means that they hobbled themselves when they came to translating her to live action because uh a human can’t do that.

something about her lightsaber blades looked really, really wrong and I can’t put my finger on what. it’s like they just used the illuminated blades of the stunt sabers but didn’t do the extra CGI that the films do? I don’t know.

Ahsoka did a LOT of dramatic posing and what WAS that?

Dave can’t direct live action, that’s what that was

since when can you canonically convey that much information mind to mind

are Ahsoka and Grogu a dyad in the Force (I know the answer is no but also: what? what was happening?)

the only people we’ve seen who can do that sort of thing are Quinlan Vos and Cal Kestis, who both have the rare talent for telemetry, and even that’s not mind to mind communication, that’s touching a thing and going “YIKES”

you are telling me that Ahsoka Tano, whom six months ago we saw take on Darth Maul, a whole barrage of Mandalorian warriors, and her entire clone trooper battalion and walk away without a scratch, had to work up a sweat fighting one woman with a spear

you do know that we all saw TCW and Rebels right

and here’s the problem! this episode makes zero sense if you HAVE seen TCW and Rebels because (1) she doesn’t look right (2) she doesn’t fight right (3) timelines? we’ve never heard of them? (4) is Thrawn back? did you find the Chimaera? (you all do remember that Ezra and Thrawn aren’t out there alone and are in fact with a 40,000 man crewed star destroyer right) (5) did you NOT find them? (6) are you even looking? (7) this is supposed to be AFTER the Rebels epilogue unless you’ve decided to take advantage of that specific ending scene not being super specifically dated and if it’s before IT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE! because I desperately hate that epilogue and its implications EVEN AS IT IS! (8) why would you call this episode “The Jedi” when since 2013 Ahsoka’s whole thing has been not being a Jedi

to be fair I’m pretty sure S7 tried very hard to course correct that but unfortunately, they could not because the rest of canon exists

are you still trying to deny me grown Ahsoka and Rex when we know you got Temuera back for a five second shot of Boba

to be fair I would have the same aural problems with Temuera voicing Rex because that’s Dee Bradley Baker as far as I’m concerned (I reiterate that this is because of how my brain process character and sound, not anythign else)

if you haven’t seen TCW and Rebels this is a random Jedi wandering around for no specific reason namedropping a completely random person who has no prior significance unless it’s going to turn up later

this entire show has consisted of namedropping random people and things with no prior significance within the show itself and it remains entirely unclear whether they’re ever going to have significance within the show itself

look, I can buy Ahsoka not wanting to train the kid both for her stated reasons and for some implied stuff from earlier on in canon (the kids in the Ahsoka novel, the babies from Future of the Force), even what happened with Ezra, and obviously she has Plans and cannot haul a baby around with her when that baby is going to be a baby for an indeterminate amount of time

which honestly is something that ought to come up because even if Ahsoka wanted to train the kid by the time she grew old and died he might, if we were very lucky, have advanced to being essentially a pre-teen and then would be on his own again? this is also true for Din.

lol sure go cast yourself out into the Force, I’m sure there’s absolutely not a single darksider still wandering around the galaxy who might perk up at “ooh, free apprentice!”

I’m literally starting to think that this show takes place in an alternate universe where Luke and Leia either don’t exist or died at some point in the OT

me, baffled, last season: you’re telling me Cara Dune, Alderaanian, had never heard of the Jedi? was she not keeping up with whatever Leia Organa was doing? was the Rebel Alliance actually big enough that PEOPLE IN IT HADN’T HEARD OF LUKE SKYWALKER?

what...is Luke doing right now. isn’t he training Leia?

WHAT HAS AHSOKA BEEN DOING FOR TEN YEARS are we seriously supposed to believe she peaced out of the Rebel Alliance after Malachor and whatever the hell they’re going to make that out to be (honestly at this point I’m betting on “they will never touch it”)

does or does Ahsoka not know that Luke exists

hoo boy can you just see them trying to cast a younger Luke, or do you think they’d CGI de-age Mark Hamill?

oh yeah let’s go through this again in a season with someone else playing young Luke, let’s, I’m not emotionally invested in that so I’m prepared to be entertained

hasn’t Sebastian Stan been floated (even if just on Twitter) for young Luke?

why are these not-imperials on this planet. what are they doing here. what’s the point.

 why is the planet...being burned? I was half-expecting, like, normal deforestation (in terms of logging for lumber) but I’m also a bit ??? about this.

since when is beskar resistant to lightsabers, I thought cortosis was the only thing that was? whatever, it’s new canon, they can do whatever they want. (ETA: apparently that’s been true for a while; I am more a Jedi person than a Mandalorian one as far as the EU goes and my Mandalorian lore is my weakest point.)

dear god were these fight scenes bad

I did spot Morai and I appreciated the tookas

okay, I am taking the next thing out of bullet points because I was really, really upset by it, and as an Asian-American woman it affects me directly.

I was really, really shaken by the use of village of (space) Asian people who were portrayed solely as background victims to be tortured and exploited.  Star Wars has a long history of Orientalism, and some of it I can look away from and some of I can’t.  Mando especially has a very bad track record with its treatment of Asian characters (Fennec Shand), and in recent years the rest of Star Wars live action has also been pretty bad about it; I will never forget how shaken and upset I was by Paige Tico’s death at the beginning of TLJ, and Rose’s sidelining in TROS was a lot to deal with. There has also been some pretty appalling anti-Asian racism from the Mandalorian fandom that I have seen in regards towards casting rumors about Sabine (which brought me to the point of tears as recently as yesterday).

I had been braced for Rosario Dawson Ahsoka because it’s been rumored for so long, if never officially confirmed by Lucasfilm, and after they pulled the original VA for Leia from Resistance a few years ago (without ever making an official statement but it was after she made really dismissive statements during the Kavanaugh hearings) I was still really hoping they’d pull Dawson for the transphobic assault allegations, or that the rumors were false, or...something.  I was not expecting the way that they treated the Asian civilian population here.  I kept hoping that there was going to be something, and it’s like they kept almost going there with Governor Wing (you want to make either his name or his position clear in the actual episode, maybe?) but then kept pulling back, which just made the whole population victims that had to be rescued by outsiders. And exploited, and tortured, and abused in general.

And yes, I’m aware the Magistrate/Morgan Elsbeth is an Asian-American woman.  That doesn’t make it better?  Since Ahsoka presumably kills her offscreen?

(Also Diana Lee Inosanto is a stunt performer and a fight choreographer, why is that fight scene so wooden, damn.)

okay back to bullet points to wrap up

I realize I haven’t said much about Din and the kid and that’s because they didn’t...do...much? I guess if you’re actually invested in them “YAY HE HAS FEELINGS” is a major thing but I’m not

I have flashes of being invested in Din, but the problem is that I never know what the hell this show is doing because it’s all over the place.  We are 5/8 of the way into season 2 and I have no idea what it’s trying to do: they keep setting stuff up and then not doing anything with it. I can make vague predictions based on what’s set up and based on my knowledge of canon, but this show is so weirdly set up and paced that I can never tell if they’re something for A Reason, for the lulz, or for the Aesthetic.

I feel extremely vindicated by the revelation a few weeks ago that Din grew up in a cult but I also straight-up feel like I spent the past year being gaslighted about what Mandalorians were, and that’s...not a great feeling. Do I think that the show is going to do anything with that? Fuck, I don’t know. I hope so. I know what I’d do as a writer. But I can’t predict anything they’re doing and that makes me really uneasy.

jeez, at least when George Lucas was making Star Wars you knew he was doing it to entertain himself and tell a specific story rather than constantly having to go back and wonder what story lines got compromised for a project down the road.

like, is this why they did mo-cap Ahsoka in S7, to brace us for live action Ahsoka here? I know they had already filmed Mando S2 before S1 came out. WHY THEY DIDN’T THEY REUSE LAUREN MARY KIM AS AHSOKA’S STUNT DOUBLE THEN? it’s not like she hasn’t stunted in Mando before?

if this was supposed to be a backdoor pilot to a Rebels sequel...I will flip a table

I enjoyed the Bad Batch eps in TCW S7 but knowing that there’s going to be a Bad Batch show I’m now wondering if they’re only in S7 to backdoor pilot that show

how far back does this go? did they put the Legacy of Mandalore story line in Rebels S4 solely to set up for this? especially considering that that’s the one thing in S4 that actually has saga weight and then they immediately got rid of everything it accomplished to set up for this?

I presume that this is the reason they refused to release the turnaround for Ahsoka’s epilogue look two years ago. apparently it doesn’t matter given they changed her entire epilogue color scheme and also her lekku and personality.

Look -- at the end of the day, there was only about a 2% chance I was ever going to like this episode, but I was holding out for it nevertheless. I do get surprised from time to time! I liked the Bo-Katan episode! This was, however, a hot mess. And yes: a lot of the things that bother me are not going to bother other people. (I haven’t seen anyone comment on the Asian villagers, for example.)

#just so there is no doubt: I HATED THIS EPISODE #the mandalorian spoilers #bedlam watches the mandalorian #mando the jedi

[elsanna-shenanigans]

April Contest Submission #4: Stupid For You

Words: ca. 6,100 Setting: Modern AU Lemon: No CW: None

Anna adjusts her car visor to block out as much of the sun as possible. Just because the weather feels nice enough to keep her windows down, doesn’t mean she’ll allow the sun cook her through the windshield.

It’s 2:25 PM on a Friday. Back in college, she would have been powering through her final class of the week, racing back to her dorm on her longboard, changing into her pajamas, and replaying the entire Mass Effect trilogy for the fifth time. Now, she spends it idling in the parking lot of West Arendelle Elementary, breathing in exhaust fumes from other idling cars, and pitifully swiping through a dating app.

And to be honest, she might like this routine a little more.

But only because, in a couple of minutes the bell will ring and her favorite ten-year-old will burst through the front doors, skip down to her car, and tap on the passenger windows with both hands.

Not that…she knows any other ten-year-olds, she only knows this one. She doesn’t have like a top ten list of favorite children.

Anyway yeah.

Anna presses against the corner of a parking sticker peeling off at the bottom of her windshield, knowing she’ll have to get a new one soon. The sound of her phone buzzing grabs her attention, and a little bit of hope rises in her as she checks the notification. Unfortunately, it’s just a text from her mother saying not to park behind her when she gets back home.

Anna grumbles, “I swear there’s like zero lesbians in this entire freaking city.”

She’s saved from her petty lamenting by the forementioned bell, and suddenly the barren entrance of the elementary school is buzzing with activity as children pour out of the doors in droves. Some are running, some are walking slowly with their group of friends, but only one of them is skipping.

Or at least Anna could only see one skipping since she wasn’t focusing on any other kid.

Gleefully making her way to Anna’s car is a little girl in a bright-blue skirt, a clean white polo, and a messy braid. Her hands are clutching the straps of her glittery backpack and her lunch box is hanging on for dear life around her neck.

Serah Langford, the self-proclaimed “cooliest” ten year-old in Arendelle.

Serah predictably taps her knuckles against the passenger window and Anna rolls it down. “What’s the password?” she asks.

“Fart Sniffer,” Serah says confidently.

Anna shakes her head, “That was last week’s password. What’s this week’s?”

Serah looks off in the distance and purses her lips. A second later, she says, “Alright I said it!”

“Say it out loud.”

Serah rolls her eyes and says in a dramatically bored voice, “Anna de Milo is the greatest, prettiest, most wonderful babysitter in the world and deserves a million dollars.”

Anna unlocks the door and grins, “That’s the one!”

The embarrassed fourth-grader shuffles into the car, placing her bag by her feet, her lunch box in her lap, and her phone plugged into the AUX cord. Anna would be offended if they didn’t have the exact same taste in music.

A babysitting job wasn’t at the top of her list after she graduated, but when months passed and she exhausted all the search results for “Writer” on Indeed, she was starting to get desperate. Her mother advised her to look for any job so at the very least she could have a steady source of income while she continued to look for writing gigs.

That’s when she found Bizzybee.

Bizzybee is a company that prides itself on being “Tinder for babysitters”, which is a horrible vision statement but she kept from mentioning that during her interview. After a surprisingly long assessment process, Anna was placed into their system and she was free to take on any babysitting/housesitting job she wanted based on the profile of the parent and their needs. Everyone started with the same hourly rate, but with enough good reviews she would be eligible for raises.

The first five families she worked for weren’t a good fit for different reasons (one of the fathers actually tried to make a move on her, which is an entirely different, creepier story). She was beginning to lose hope until she stumbled on the profile of a recently divorced mother named Elsa Langford.

From the very first interview with Elsa, Anna knew she’d finally found the right babysitting job for her. She and Serah hit it off right away, and they worked out a Monday-Friday schedule which allowed Anna to continue searching for jobs while still getting great hours.

Six months later and, despite a couple of job offers, Anna decided to stay on as Serah’s babysitter. It was risky and not at all the path she set out for herself after college, but she found herself enjoying babysitting much more than she thought she would. And because of that, she stayed.

Well…that, and another reason.

Anna snuck a peek inside the lunch box at a red light and frowned at the unopened bag of cookies inside. “Seriously?! I thought you liked Chips Ahoy!”

“Only the chewy ones,” Serah argued.

“They can get chewy if you dip them in milk.” Anna waved the bag obnoxiously close to the little girl’s face. “These things are expensive, you know.”

“They’re $20 on Amazon if you buy them in bulk.”

“$20 is still a lot of money.” The light’s turned green, so Anna has to open the bag with her teeth. When she does so successfully, she pours a couple of the cookies right into her mouth. Chewing with righteous indignation, she says, “You know what you can buy with $20?”

“Dinner with my mom?”

Anna almost chokes on the cookies.

She hears Serah giggling up a storm while handing her a water bottle to keep from dying. After downing half the bottle, Anna takes a deep breath and gets back into the center of her lane to ensure neither of them is going to die. “Serah! What did I tell you about saying that kinda stuff while I’m driving?!”

Serah bounces proudly in her seat, “Well maaaaybe if you didn’t have a crush on my mom, I wouldn’t have to bring it up.”

“It’s not…I’m not…” Anna slumps in her chair, wondering why she even bothers denying it. “Whatever.”

Yes, she has a big, stupid gay crush on the mom of the kid she’s babysitting. But have you seen Elsa Langford? She’s gorgeous. Pale skin, light blonde hair always in a neat, tight ponytail, eyes like calm pools of water, and a killer body she worked tirelessly on after giving birth to Serah. Anna had to drink three glasses of water just to get through the interview with her.

But there’s nothing to it, and nothing’s gonna happen anyway. It’s just a crush.

A stupid, dumb, big, stupid, fleeting, doesn’t-mean-anything, stupid crush on a stupid, sexy mom.

It’s stupid.

[Line Break]

Anna pulls right into the driveway of the Langford’s small, one-story house. It’s in the middle of a long suburbian row of houses that look nearly identical in their mundanity, but this one always stands out to Anna. Not because she’s been to this house countless times, but also because it’s got a vibrant feel to it; like you can feel two main characters live here. Serah skips over to her front door with Anna close behind. She notices the grass is getting a little tall and wonders if Elsa might need some help mowing it this weekend.

She unlocks the front door and Serah immediately takes off her shoes by the front door, places her lunch box on the kitchen table, and hums to herself while she walks to her room. The schedule used to be on the fridge, but by this point Anna’s memorized it.

Make a light snack for Serah, help her with her homework before dinner’s done, clean around the house (that’s not a requirement, Anna just does it), make sure she doesn’t watch the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix yet, and then kick back until Elsa gets home. In between this time, Serah continues to tease her about her crush.

It’s been like that for weeks now, ever since Serah stole her phone one day and read the text Kristoff sent to her about Elsa. The subsequent conversation about what a “MILF” was didn’t exactly help things either.

This time, however, is different. Around 7 PM, while they’re watching an episode of American Ninja Warrior, Serah says something that doesn’t sound like a joke.

“She’d say yes, you know.”

“What are you talking about?” Anna asks cautiously.

“If you asked my mom out, she’d say yes.”

Unsure of how she’s supposed to react, Anna goes with an uncomfortable snort/laugh, “Wh- stop it. Stop kidding around, that’s…that’s silly.”

Serah shrugs like she didn’t say something crazy, and then she proceeds to say something even crazier, “She talks about you all the time.”

“Well yeah, I mean duh. I’m the babysitter,” Anna says like that’s supposed to be her superhero identity.

“No, she doesn’t talk about babysitting stuff.”

Finally, unable to help her curiosity, Anna asks, “What does she talk about then?”

Of course, she doesn’t get a chance to hear the answer. The front door unlocks and the woman they were just talking about arrives from work. Serah rushes to greet her mom and Anna stays sitting to let them spend their mother-daughter time together. And also because, like usual, she’s trying to figure out how to greet Elsa.

She decides on a cheerful “Hi!” followed by asking how work went; it’s casual and unassuming, but shows she cares about her. With that game plan prepared, she takes a quick breath, stands up, and walks over to the happy, little family.

“Hi!” she says with a practiced wave of her hand, though her voice is a little higher pitched than she’d like it to be.

Elsa’s clearly tired by the look of her, but when she smiles at Anna it feels like she’s genuinely happy to see her. Which of course makes Anna’s stomach do backflips, especially when Elsa walks over to her and gives her a hug. Even after taking off her heels, the exhausted banker still has a couple of inches on her.

“How are you?” she asks with her sweet, caring voice.

Anna tries to ignore the faint, flowery scent of perfume on Elsa’s neck, and the intrusive thought of wanting to hold her until all of Elsa’s troubles melt away. “Doing good,” she finally answers with her voice still an octave too high.

Elsa pulls away far too soon, keeping Anna at arm’s length while the younger woman is trying her best to pretend she doesn’t want to know how those lips would feel against hers. “Well let me write you a check and you can head out.”

What? No! Thinking fast, she replies, “No, you look exhausted. You can just rest, you don’t need to pay me right away.” Which is a lie, she has bills due next week.

“No I’d feel terrible if I let you go empty-handed. Trust me, it’ll only take a few minutes.”

“Ms. Langford, it’s okay. I’m in no rush tonight. Give yourself a minute to breathe, at least.”

Elsa frowns, but whatever she’s about to say gets interrupted by a long yawn. “Okay fine, if you can give me half an hour, I’ll have your check ready by then.”

“Sounds perfect!” Anna squeaks.

“And again, you don't have to call me Ms. Langford. Elsa’s fine.”

Elsa pats her on the shoulder and walks over to her room, Anna gets a glimpse of it before the door shuts and she can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be in Elsa’s room one day. Her shameful thought is interrupted by someone bumping her hip.

She looks down and sees Serah with a smug grin on her face.

“Oh hush,” Anna says.

[Line Break]

Anna hates taking breaks, and she especially hates days off. Not just because that’s one less day she gets to see Elsa, but also because that’s who she is as a person. Days she isn’t working provide zero structure, and she forgets how to be a human being without a structure.

The weekends, then, are a tumultuous time for her. If she doesn’t have pre-made plans with her friends, she’ll spend the days thinking about doing everything, inevitably end up doing nothing, and then dragging herself out of the house to do something.

This particular Saturday, that “something” happens to be grocery shopping. With a list that only has “Eggs?” on it, she ventures through every single aisle, wondering if she could get herself hungry enough to buy whatever she’s currently looking at.

So far, aside from the eggs, there’s only one other thing in her cart. And it’s not even for her.

“Pop-Tarts…I don’t know, they might sound good later.” She reaches to grab a box of the frosted strawberry ones but waves it off at the last second. Maybe the next aisle will have something she thinks absentmindedly as her cart almost hits the person in front of her.

Who somehow happens to be Elsa.

“Hi! Hey! Wow hi!” Anna says while Elsa looks at her like she’s genuinely startled. “H-hey there, Ms. Langford.”

After registering that the person yelling at her isn’t a threat, Elsa smiles. “Anna! It’s so wonderful to see you.” She looks as if she’s going to take a step towards Anna, but changes her mind at the last second.

Unfortunately, Anna took that as a cue to also step forward and didn’t move back fast enough. So now, she’s just standing between both carts like she’s commandeering both. “I-I didn’t know you went grocery shopping. Here, I mean. I’m sure you shop, but like…I live near here. Like five minutes away actually.”

Elsa chuckles, and honestly it sounds like honey-dipped guitar strings. But less sticky, and more sexy. “Well I was in the area dropping Serah off to her karate lesson, so I figured I might as well do some shopping while I wait.”

Right, Serah started her lessons last week. She told Anna that she was super excited about “getting to punch bricks and stuff”. Still unsure if she should move yet, Anna adds, “Well I like this place a lot. It’s like one of my top ten places to be- to go. Maybe top five.”

“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind,” Elsa grins like she really is happy to have run into her. She shifts her gaze down and remarks, “Oh, that’s a really nice chopping board.”

Oh. Right. The chopping board’s…still in her cart. Anna lifts it up and holds it like she’s showing off the finest new features in chopping board technology. “Yeah thanks, it’s on sale actually.”

“That’s good news, I’m looking to replace the one we have. I’m tired of scraping plastic off my chicken when I’m cutting it.” Anna knows this, of course, because Elsa’s muttered it to herself every time she’s in the kitchen. “Which aisle did you find that in?”

Forgetting why she has the chopping board in the first place, Anna holds it out and says, “Oh it’s okay, you can just have this one?”

“Are you sure? Don’t you need it?”

Now remembering why she has it, Anna shamefully pulls it away, “Yes. I mean no. No I don’t, I don’t need it. It’s in my cart, but I don’t need it.”

Elsa’s eyes narrow, “I-I’m sorry, I’m confused.”

Well this is happening. And it’ll be even more awkward to explain things if she shows up with the chopping board on Monday. She sighs, finally admitting defeat, “I…I heard you mention you needed a new chopping board, so I wanted to get one for you. This one, actually. This is the one I was going to buy. And then give it to you on Monday.”

Elsa goes from confused to flattered in a second, and much like all of her expressions there’s an inarguable authenticity to it. There’s no exaggerated gasp or a drawn-out “Awww”, instead there’s a smile that could melt a million hearts and a casual touching of Anna’s upper arm.

“I knew I picked a good one,” Elsa says, oblivious to the screaming and fireworks occurring in Anna’s head.

“Ah, i-it’s nothing really. I’m using my paycheck, so in a way you’re buying it yourself haha,” Anna tries to laugh but she squeaks like someone’s just pumped her full of helium.

“Nonetheless, you’ve helped lift so much stress off your shoulders and I want to show how much I appreciate you.” Elsa straightens up a little and looks at the frazzled redhead curiously, “What do you think about coffee?”

“You mean like a coupon?” Anna shakes her head. “I mean a gift card?”

Elsa opens her mouth to respond, but another thought seemingly goes through her head and she purses her lips. A second later, she smiles again, “Yes. Like a gift card. Young people still drink Starbucks, right?”

Anna scoffs, “Ms. Langford, you’re only nine years older than me.”

“And yet you still insist on calling me ‘Ms. Langford’, which always makes me feel much older than I actually am.”

A ton of bricks falls on Anna as she realizes her grave mistake. “Oh my goodness, Ms. La- ah I mean I uh…I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I mean that wasn’t my intention. You’re young, a-and beautiful, and still in your prime. No you haven’t even reached your prime yet! If I made you feel like you weren’t, I’m-”

She’s silenced by the feel of Elsa’s hand coming to rest on…her shoulder? Well that’s new. And exciting. Anna focuses half of her mind on calming down and the other half on what Elsa’s saying.

“Relax Anna, it was just a joke. You can call me whatever you want.” Though Elsa’s voice is reassuring, her smile has a glint of proud mischief from catching her off-guard. “I’m not about to police my favorite babysitter on what words she can use.”

Anna tries to speak but finds her throat too dry. She clears it and tries again, “Really? I’m your favorite babysitter? You’re not just saying that?”

“I went through far too many babysitters before I found you,” Elsa lets out a breathy laugh, eyes glancing to the side as if she’s remembering back to the years she’d had to find the right fit to take care of Serah. Anna wonders what makes her so different from the others, but thinks that’s too invasive to ask. “You’re the best.”

The casual yet loaded compliments and the feel of Elsa’s fingers so close to her bare skin combine to create a dangerous, stomach-churning reaction in Anna. One that sets all her impulses alight, screaming at her to kiss Elsa.

Before she even has the chance to compose herself, Elsa’s already pulled away and is back by the safety of the handrails on her cart. “Well I think I’ve used up enough of your time this weekend. And besides, I need to find something for dinner tonight. I’ll see you Monday, okay?”

Anna blinks, still trying to register things that happened five minutes ago. “Uh yeah, no problem. Sounds great,” she replies without knowing what she’s saying.

Elsa smiles at her and turns the corner, disappearing from direct sight. After an eternity of standing at the end of the aisle like an idiot, Anna groans and covers her face with her hands.

“Stupid,” she mumbles to herself.

[Line Break]

“The evil scientist shouted, ‘This ain’t over, Super Gal! One day-”

Anna presses the buzzer she bought at a dollar store. “There’s no such thing as the word 'ain’t’,” she corrects.

Serah groans, “You’re the worst.”

“You asked a girl with an English degree for help with your story. What did you expect would happen?” Anna taps against the table like an evil villain.

’“I didn’t expect you to not go easy on-”

Anna presses the buzzer again. “Double negative!”

“I’m not even writing!” Serah protests.

“My buzzer, my rules.”

The sound of the front door opening interrupts them bickering like long-lost sisters. Instead of running over to greet Elsa by the door, Serah shouts with exasperation, “Moooom! Anna’s being a jerk!”

“Well that’s what happens when you ask an English major to look over your story, honey,” Elsa replies.

Anna gives Serah a smug grin, the little girl sticks her tongue out in response. Elsa joins them at the dinner table, the tiredness on her face is less concerning tonight but Anna catches her wince when she sits down.

“You okay?” she asks.

Elsa smiles, “Fell off a ladder at work.”

“Oh my gosh, how bad does it hurt? I could-” Anna has to take a pause to let the unhelpful thought of massaging Elsa’s back go away. “-get you some ibuprofen or an ice pack.”

“Thank you, Anna, but I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning once I sleep it off. After all, I’m not even in my prime yet.” Elsa winks at her, and Anna has to pretend her insides haven’t turned to jelly.

“Is this like that time you fell in the bathroom while trying to pull your pants up?” Serah asks.

“Serah!” Elsa hides her face in her hands, though it’s still possible to tell the remorse she feels through her voice. “Why did I even tell you that story?”

Serah feigns innocence and shrugs, “Because I’m your daughter and you like telling me things?”

Elsa sticks her tongue out in response and it’s much cuter than it has any right to be. Unable to help herself, Anna asks, “Are you sure I can’t do anything for you? I mean like with your back…or whatever.”

Elsa rests her head against one of her hands and doesn’t try to hold back the tiredness in her smile this time. “You’re very sweet, Anna, but I’ll be okay. Just need some rest.” She mumbles afterward, “And a vacation…”

Anna lets her mind wander for a second, thinking of what it would feel like to take Elsa somewhere she could unwind. Like to a spa, or a lake. Elsa feels like the kind of person who finds solitude near water. In her mind, she sees Elsa in a baby blue sundress and a wide brim hat, looking out at the crystal clear waters from a creaky, wooden dock. She sees herself walking down the same dock and Elsa turning to her with a smile, holding a hand out and beckoning her to come over.

“What do you think, Anna?”

The wishful thought dissipates, and Anna’s pulled back into reality by a question she’s not ready for. “Sorry, I was uh…thinking of a story idea. What were you guys talking about?”

Thankfully not asking where Anna’s mind was really at, Elsa repeats herself, “Serah was wondering if you wanted to go to her play tomorrow.”

“I’m playing a tree!” Serah says proudly.

This invitation comes as a wonderful surprise. Serah’s been hyping this play up for forever, but Anna always assumed she would want Elsa to be there. “Oh, I…did something happen? Can you not make it?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dare miss seeing my little girl play the part of Tree #2. But I really-”

Serah clears her throat obnoxiously loud.

“Right. We would really love it if you came. Tickets are free, but they’ll be selling popcorn and soda for $2.”

“You can sit next to my mom!” Serah adds, and her failed blink shows she knows exactly what she’s implying. It feels odd having a ten-year-old be her wing woman, but Anna’s learning to roll with it.

“No pressure, though,” Elsa says while wringing her hands together. “It’s on a Friday night, and I know you might already have plans.”

“I don’t,” Anna responds far too fast.

Elsa’s eyes widen in surprise, “Oh. Then do you want to go?”

The chance to sit next to Elsa for an hour in a dark auditorium? Anna would be an idiot to pass that opportunity up. And it isn’t lost on her that it felt like Elsa was about to say she would personally love it if she went.

“Sure, I’d love to go.”

[Line Break]

Far too many questions are still punching Anna in the brain as she pulls into West Arendelle Elementary’s parking lot and walks towards the auditorium. Should she have eaten something beforehand? Is she overdressed? Is she underdressed? Should she have texted Elsa to coordinate outfits? What if this is all some elaborate prank to make fun of her for her stupid mom crush? Did she sweat through her shirt? Is it noticeable?

Her crazy thoughts are interrupted by her phone buzzing. She pulls it out of the back pocket of her jeans and sees it’s a text from Elsa. She’s waiting by the door so they can find some seats together.

Well, that eases her worry about trying to find Elsa in a crowded auditorium. Though crowded might be an understatement. It’s a fourth-grade play, not an opera at The Met.

Once inside, Anna takes a second to admire the impressive renovations of what used to be a musty, old gymnasium (they even put in carpets and sound dampeners). But she’s not here to appraise this place, she’s here to root for her favorite fourth grader/tree and keep the ogling of Elsa to a minimum-

Holy baloney, Elsa’s wearing a dress.

It’s got blue-and-white stripes, short sleeves, and a similar colored waist sash. And instead of her hair being in a tight ponytail, the nearly silver locks fall across her shoulders and down her back.

It’s casual, it’s cute, it’s gorgeous, it’s beautiful, and it’s a stark reminder of how absolutely smitten Anna is.

“I was getting worried you might not show up,” Elsa says with a smile akin to the one she showed off at the grocery store.

Up close, Anna also notices a thin, snowflake necklace around Elsa’s slender neck and she’s already failed in keeping her ogling to a minimum. “You can always trust me to keep my promises, Ms. Langford,” she says with a goofy grin meant to reflect something called confidence.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Elsa responds.

Feeling like she has to mention it, and also because her brain’s still currently fried from seeing an angel, Anna adds, “You look beautifuller. I-I mean not like fuller, I just mean you look more beautiful than usual. Oh gosh, not that you usually look bad because you don’t. You never look bad, you’re-”

Elsa lays a hand on Anna’s shoulder again, which might as well be her reset button. “Anna, do me a favor and take a breath.”

Anna takes a breath.

“Good job. Now let’s go find some seats, okay?”

Anna follows her, too caught up on the feeling of being told she did a good job.

They find a spot at the end of an aisle and close enough to the stage that Serah will be able to find them without looking too hard. Elsa takes the seat on the left, Anna takes the seat on the right. They don’t start talking again right away, not until the conversations all across the auditorium become a blanket of white noise.

And then Elsa lets out a breath, “This feels nice.”

Anna turns to her and notices her eyes are closed, but she still commits to perfect posture so it looks like she’s meditating. “What do you mean?” Anna asks.

“Being…present. Not having to rush to make dinner or beat traffic or anything like that. It feels nice to have a break and just be.”

Anna finds it hard to understand what constitutes this as a break, but then again she isn’t a mother. And she doesn’t know much about what it means to take a break anyway.

Elsa tilts her head like she’s about to rest it on Anna’s shoulder, but instead, she turns to look at her. “Thank you again.”

“For the chopping board?”

“For the chopping board, for taking care of Serah, for being someone I can trust…for everything. It’s hard to- I mean you know it hasn’t been easy for me relationship-wise.”

Anna nods. Learning about Elsa’s divorce and her subsequent failed relationships was a part of why she took this job in the first place. She sympathized with the single mother and knew even then that Elsa could really use someone to have her back too.

“So thank you, for being my…the person I needed through all this. My knight in shining armor.”

The lights haven’t dimmed yet, so she needs to hope the blush on her cheeks isn’t too noticeable. She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling too wide, and then says, “Well, outstanding service is the Bizzybee guarantee.” It’s supposed to be a playful joke, but Elsa doesn’t seem to take it as such.

She frowns, “Do you really only see this as a job?”

This is different, but it doesn’t feel like a good different. Elsa doesn’t usually look like she’s staring into her soul, and she hasn’t asked anything this personal since the initial interview. To Anna, the answer is obvious, but she’s also caught up on wondering what answer Elsa wants to hear. If she says the wrong thing, will she lose her job? What’s the right thing to say? When did it get so warm? And is that citrus she smells in Elsa’s hair? Gosh, why is she so weird?

Shrinking further underneath Elsa’s stone-cold curiosity, Anna finally decides to approach this with honesty. “No,” she starts far too softly. “No, I think I would probably do anything for you…r family. You mean a lot to me. Y-you and Serah, I mean.”

She really hopes that doesn’t sound like a confession. The last thing she wants to do is get fired and have to run out of an elementary school auditorium in tears.

A soft, warmth presses against her hand that’s been resting on her seat. Anna looks down and sees Elsa’s hand on top of where hers should be. If this is a dream, then she never wants to wake up.

“Thank you for saying that,” Elsa replies just as softly.

Finally, the lights dim and the principal is on the stage talking about how hard the fourth-graders have worked on this rendition of The Giving Tree. And maybe it means nothing, but Elsa still hasn’t pulled away. Anna pushes away the thought of her own hand being too sweaty, and the notion that this could be a fulfillment of her craziest wish. Right now, she just tries to enjoy the feeling.

Serah turned out to be an excellent Tree #2.

[Line Break]

Next Monday, everything falls apart.

Or at least that’s what it feels like is going to happen when Elsa gets back from work and immediately asks Serah to go to her room so they can talk alone.

Anna’s never seen her this distraught before. Her ponytail is poorly put together, she’s not wearing any makeup, and there’s a coffee stain below her collar. When she asks if she can do anything to help, Elsa’s response is a quick but harsh, “No.”

She stiffens up. “Oh. O-okay, I’m sorry.”

Elsa shakes her head, places her hand on top of one of the kitchen chairs, but then pulls back like it’s hot to the touch. “Could we maybe sit on the couch?”

Right now, Elsa could tell her to cut off her hand and Anna would do it. She nearly trips walking the five feet from the kitchen to the living room couch, and tries to take up the least amount of space as possible when she sits down. Elsa sits on the far side, clutching a pillow to her chest with her mind probably anywhere else but here.

It’s not a good sight, and Anna’s not only worried about the safety of her job, but Elsa’s condition. She purses her lips to keep from saying anything stupid, and hopes this isn’t the horrible nightmare she’s expecting it to be.

Elsa closes her eyes tight, “I’m afraid I have to let you go, Anna.”

Anna completely deflates. Had she not been expecting this, it would have come as a greater shock to her. But when she pushed her luck at the play by trying to hold Elsa’s hand…she knew her days as a babysitter were numbered. “I understand,” she says sadly.

“I don’t think you do,” Elsa replies, quickly turning to look at Anna. Her eyes look like they’re pleading with her, like she doesn’t want to do this. “You were amazing, and I will give you the best endorsement for any job you apply for. But after the play-”

“I know. I was out of line.”

There’s a tense, awkward second of silence where the two women are looking at each other with equal levels of guilt and remorse. Though their reasons are vastly different. Elsa sighs and places the final nail in the coffin, “No, you weren’t.”

…what?

“Anna, I wanted you to hold my hand.”

What?

“You did?” Anna asks, trying her best to curb her optimism. This can’t possibly be going the way she thinks it is.

Elsa nods, “I’m not- well okay, first of all, I don't want to fire you. Serah, she thinks of you as her big sister, and the thought of separating you two tears me up. But this needs to happen because I…having you around…I feel something for you.”

“Feel something?” Maybe someday she’ll be able to say more than two sentences again.

Again, Elsa closes her eyes. A sternness falls on her face which Anna can tell she’s had to use a lot “Say it out loud,” Elsa mutters.

“What’s wrong?”

One agonizing moment later, Elsa reopens her eyes, and the guilt in them has worsened. “I-I’m attracted to you, Anna, and it’s getting to me. Really bad. I can’t sleep without thinking of you, I got a ticket for speeding a couple of weeks ago because I couldn’t wait to get home to you and Serah, and when you held my hand? Gosh, I felt something I never felt with anyone I’ve ever been with. I have feelings for you, and I have to let you go before I do something I might regret.”

She’s not dreaming, Anna knows that for sure because there’s no weird fog around her and Elsa doesn’t have a horse head. Yet she still can’t wrap her mind around the fact that this is happening.

Elsa Langford, the most beautiful mom- hell, the most beautiful woman- she’s ever known has just confessed she has feelings for her.

But she has to know for certain, so she finally musters up the lucidity to ask more than two words. “Do you really mean that?”

Elsa laughs. But it’s not a “gotcha” laugh, it’s a deeply embarrassed, caught-in-the-act laugh Anna’s far too familiar with. “Yes. I like you a lot.”

That’s all the confirmation she needs. With all the social grace of a bowling ball tumbling down the stairs, Anna responds. “I like you a lot too. Like attractively, I-I mean romantically.”

Elsa’s eyes widen, “Really?”

Anna shows off her expertly crafted awkward laugh. “Of course! You’re sweet, caring, and you’re so beautiful I bet a potato sack would look good on you. When I look at you or even think of you, I just see like rainbows and flutes and warm stuff like blankets or bedrooms- I uh, I mean like…soup. It was just a stupid crush at first, but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever felt this strongly for anyone before. Elsa, you’re a dream come true.”

Elsa’s pale complexion makes the redness that appears on her cheeks much brighter and more beautiful than Anna could ever imagine. This magical moment…it’s something she’ll always cherish and will never forget.

“I love the way you say my name,” Elsa says quietly.

“It’s a very pretty name,” Anna adds.

“Gosh, just kiss each other already!” Serah shouts from the hallway.

They talk for another hour. Despite the looming threat of being fired disappearing, Anna still agrees it’s best she stops working for Elsa. There’s now a conflict of interest, and the last thing they want is for either of them to get in trouble. Which means it’s back to job hunting. On the bright side, however, Anna can now come over whenever she wants so Serah will still have her “big sister”.

As for her and Elsa, they both agree to take things slow to make sure they won’t drive each other crazy. In a bad way, obviously. They both have big, stupid crushes on each other, but with Elsa’s track record for relationships and Anna’s overall social awkwardness, it’s clear that attraction will only get them so far. They have to work for this, if this was something to work for. Nonetheless, they remain optimistic and their first date is set for next week.

Elsa just needs to find a babysitter first.

#elsanna #submission #April 2021 contest #prompt: break

[grim-on-the-darkside]

The Latest Information on Lucas’s Sequel Trilogy he wrote in 2011. Also some information from  Star Wars Archives: Episodes I-III: 1999–2005, author Paul Duncan interviewed George Lucas his ideas of a Sequel Trilogy.

Firstly, some of the things Pablo Hidalgo has stated about Lucas’s sequel trilogy that he has access to and spoke to Lucas directly about.

We know Lucas never considered the EU canon or a part of his Star Wars universe so it is not surprising his Sequel Trilogy was of his own creation.

........

"Fast forward to 2012, when we hear George is looking to make SW movies again, I though I thought 'I wonder what next Mon Calamari's gonna be. And it turns out, the Mon Calamari this time was huge swaths of the EU. There was no Jacen, no Jaina. No new Jedi Order. Chewie lived. Not surprising, but there it was."

~ Pablo Hidalgo, 2016               

https://ibb.co/nmjWcBM

..

[Regarding Lucas Sequel Trilogy Treatments he wrote in 2011 and sold to Disney]

Comment - "What are you talking about? J.J. threw out His story treatments and he [George Lucas] has no imput at all anymore."

Pablo Hidalgo Response - "Not entirely true. But the treatments as they were pretty much disregarded the EU, which was to be expected.”

~ 2018

https://ibb.co/Dz7qhTB

........

Commentor - 'Thank You for the clarification, might I ask if you ever recieved any direction that George Lucas with the number of children the Solos had as depicted in the EU?'

Pablo Hidalgo - "All I meant is his starting point for this Trilogy didn't have Jacen, Jaina, and/or Anakin."

Commentor - 'Was there Ben Skywalker?'

Pablo Hidalgo - "There was not."

https://ibb.co/JH2Y8tg

.................

Question -  "My question is, *what did George's treatments for 7 look like? I would love to see if they fit the EU."

Answer [Pablo Hidalgo]- "They did not. For instance, there was no Jaina, Jacen, or Anakin."  ~ 2017                                                                       

https://ibb.co/N7HKCsF

................

Pablo Hidalgo - "Jacen and Jaina never existed in George's storytelling, even in treatment form."

Comment Response - "And about Mara Jade?"

Pablo Hidalgo - "No. George never thought of Mara as being part of his universe either."

~ 2016 https://ibb.co/YLHk6Ft

.......

From Star Wars Insider

..

"There was no Ben Skywalker in George's Universe. He came from the NJO team." ~ Pablo Hidalgo 2016

https://ibb.co/HDtXh6D

................

"Question from Today, but I thought this was pretty well known. George Lucas never considered Jacen, Jaina, or Mara Jade as part of his universe."

~ Pablo Hidalgo May 2016 https://ibb.co/VDX2qvY

....

"But anyway Luke in exile predates TLJ by a long time and came from someone who can very happily and rightly supersede anyone's feedback :)"

~ Pablo Hidalgo https://ibb.co/sKZnWKk

[Luke was in something of a self imposed exile on an Island in Lucas Sequel Trilogy which is something that Disney ripped off from Lucas’s Sequel Trilogy. Pablo is referring to Lucas in this quote.]

..

"Luke was training a new generation of Jedi, it all went wrong because of 1 boy, and he's the 'Jedi killer' - that's the source.”

~ Pablo Hidalgo, 2016 https://ibb.co/JjYtGtf

[The source being George Lucas sequel trilogy treatments he made in 2011 and ended up selling to Disney later. Something else Disney ripped off from Lucas’s Sequel trilogy.] ..

Pablo Hidalgo -   "George's starting point for 7 had no Jaina, Jacen, Anakin and Chewie never died. So yeah."

[Reply] - "Could we please send this to every EU purist we know?"

[Other replyer] "They wont care."

[First Replyer] "They will after what Hidalgo just said after this."

[Pablo Hidalgo] - "No, they won't. You can't correct the internet.The info's out there. They've made up their minds."

https://ibb.co/mXGX0Qn

..

Pablo Hidalgo - "But there was no sequel trilogy at that time."

Commenter 1 -

'Also, Lucas' Treatment of EP VII did not have the twins born in the Thrawn Trilogy'.

Pablo Hidalgo - "It didn't have twins."

Commenter 2 -

'You're referring to the treatment Lucas sold Disney in 2012. I guess plans changed.'

Pablo Hidalgo - "Or were defined. Jacen and Jaina were never part of George's story. They were Tim's [Zahn] invention."

~ Pablo Hidalgo Q&A

https://ibb.co/VQ5Zrr0

..

Here’s what George said about them during an interview with James Cameron for his The Story of Science Fiction project.

“Back in the day, I used to say ultimately what this means is we’re just cars, vehicles, for the Whills to travel around in…. We’re vessels for them. And the conduit is the midi-chlorians. The midi-chlorians are the ones that communicate with the Whills. The Whills, in a general sense, they are the Force.

All the way back to — with the Jedi and the Force and everything — the whole concept of how things happen was laid out completely from [the beginning] to the end. But I never got to finish. I never got to tell people about it.

If I’d held onto the company I could have done it, and then it would have been done. Of course, a lot of the fans would have hated it, just like they did Phantom Menace and everything, but at least the whole story from beginning to end would be told.”

~ George Lucas

https://www.indiewire.com/2018/06/george-lucas-episode-vii-episode-ix-1201974276/

..

As part of the book Star Wars Archives: Episodes I-III: 1999–2005, author Paul Duncan interviewed George Lucas. During this interview, George talked more about his plans for the sequel trilogy.

Paul Duncan: What about the stormtroopers? They look robotic, but they’re not.

George Lucas: How do you know what they are?

Paul Duncan: Did you have a different idea of what they were?

George Lucas: Yeah, they started out as clones. Once all the clones were killed, the Empire picked up recruits, like militia. They fought, but they weren’t very good at what they did.

Paul Duncan: That’s why they kept missing.

George Lucas: That’s why they kept missing. Then after the Rebels won, there were no more stormtroopers in my version of the third trilogy.

I had planned for the first trilogy to be about the father, the second trilogy to be about the son, and the third trilogy to be about the daughter and the grandchildren. [There was only one, Ben Solo, another Disney rip off.]

Episode VII, VIII, and IX would take ideas from what happened after the Iraq War. “Okay, you fought the war, you killed everybody, now what are you going to do?” Rebuilding afterwards is harder than starting a rebellion or fighting the war. When you win the war and you disband the opposing army, what do they do? The stormtroopers would be like Saddam Hussein’s Ba’athist fighters that joined ISIS and kept on fighting. The stormtroopers refuse to give up when the Republic win.

They want to be stormtroopers forever, so they go to a far corner of the galaxy, start their own country and their own rebellion.

There’s a power vacuum so gangsters, like the Hutts, are taking advantage of the situation, and there is chaos. The key person is Darth Maul, who had been resurrected in The Clone Wars cartoons — he brings all the gangs together.

Paul Duncan: Was Darth Maul the main villain?

George Lucas: Yeah, but he’s very old, and we have two versions of him. One is with a set of cybernetic legs like a spider, and then later on he has metal legs and he was a little bit bigger, more of a superhero. We did all this in the animated series, he was in a bunch of episodes.

Darth Maul trained a girl, Darth Talon [The only thing from the EU in Lucas’s Trilogy, but it wasn’t even really her, just had the same look and name, completely different background. She wasn’t even born yet at that time frame in the comics]., who was in the comic books as his apprentice. She was the new Darth Vader, and most of the action was with her. So these were the two main villains of the trilogy. Maul eventually becomes the godfather of crime in the universe because, as the Empire falls, he takes over.

The movies are about how Leia — I mean, who else is going to be the leader? — is trying to build the Republic. They still have the apparatus of the Republic but they have to get it under control from the gangsters. That was the main story.

It starts out a few years after Return of the Jedi and we establish pretty quickly that there’s this underworld, there are these offshoot stormtroopers who started their own planets, and that Luke is trying to restart the Jedi. He puts the word out, so out of 100,000 Jedi, maybe 50 or 100 are left. The Jedi have to grow again from scratch, so Luke has to find two- and three-year-olds, and train them. It’ll be 20 years before you have a new generation of Jedi.

By the end of the trilogy Luke would have rebuilt much of the Jedi, and we would have the renewal of the New Republic, with Leia, Senator Organa, becoming the Supreme Chancellor in charge of everything. So she ended up being the Chosen One.”

George also expanded on Midi-chlorians:

“This is the cosmology. The Force is the energy, the fuel, and without it everything would fall apart. The Force is a metaphor for God, and God is essentially unknowable. But behind it is another metaphor, which fits so well into the movie that I couldn’t resist it.

Midi-chlorians are the equivalent of mitochondria in living organisms and photosynthesis in plants — I simply combined them for easier consumption by the viewer. Mitochondria create the chemical energy that turns one cell into two cells.

I like to think that there is a unified reality to life and that it exists everywhere in the universe and that it controls things, but you can also control it. That’s why I split it into the Personal Force and the Cosmic Force. The Personal Force is the energy field created by our cells interacting and doing things while we are alive. When we die, we lose our persona and our energy is assimilated into the Cosmic Force.

If we have enough Midi-chlorians in our body, we can have a certain amount of control over our Personal Force and learn how to use it, like the Buddhist practive of being able to walk on hot coals.”

And the Whills:

“The Whills are a microscopic, single-celled lifeform like amoeba, fungi, and bacteria. There’s something like 100,000 times more Whills than there are Midi-chlorians, and there are about 10,000 times more Midi-chlorians than there are human cells.

The only microscopic entities that can go into the human cells are the Midi-chlorians. They are born in the cells. The Midi-chlorians provide the energy for human cells to split and create life. The Whills are single-celled animals that feed on the Force. The more of the Force there is, the better off they are. So they have a very intense symbiotic relationship with the Midi-chlorians and the Midi-chlorians effectively work for the Whills.

It is estimated that we have 100 trillion microbes in our body and we are made up of about 90% bacteria and 10% human cells. So who is in service to whom? I know this is the kind of thing that fans just go berserk over because they say, “We want it to be mysterious and magical”, and “You’re just doing science.” Well, this isn’t science.

This is just as mythological as anything else in Star Wars. It sounds more scientific, but it’s a fiction.

It’s saying there is a big symbiotic relationship to create life, and to create the Force, but if you look at all the life-forms in the universe, most of them are one-celled organisms. I think of one-celled organisms as an advanced form of life because they’ve been able to travel through the universe. They have their own spaceships — those meteorites that we get every once in a while. They’ve been living on those things for thousands of years, they’ve been frozen, unfrozen, and can survive almost anything.

The one-celled organisms have to have a balance. You have to have good ones and bad ones otherwise it would extinguish life. And if they go out of balance, the dark side takes over.”

..................................................................................................................

Obviously there is the older information that’s already been out there, I just wanted to share some of the newer information that has come to light. I’m sure in time we will learn more.

#LucasIsTheCanon

[dalekofchaos]

How Disney/Lucasfilm failed Finn and John Boyega

A rant about my continued frustration on how Lucasfilm/Disney failed Finn and John Boyega

John Boyega’s Finn was setup as the male lead and co-protagonist of the sequel trilogy. That’s not an opinion, that’s not a headcanon, that’s a literally fact. He was set up to be equal with Rey & Kylo’s foil and we all know why that changed.

John Boyega was cast as the male and co-protagonist of the sequel trilogy by JJ Abrams, who had to fight for John Boyega to be cast against the preferred (White) casting choices.

Originally Finn(Sam in the original treatment) was white

Majority from Okiro’s twitter thread exposing Lucasfilm’s hypocrisy when it comes to representation and black history

JJ Abrams told Finn he was the new star of Star Wars

In The Force Awakens. Finn was a Stormtrooper who defected. After witnessing the death of his friend Slip and seeing the innocents being killed, Finn made the decision to save Poe Dameron and leave The First Order. Finn only wanted to leave The FIrst Order and run away. But after meeting Poe and later Rey, Finn began to care for more than himself. Finn was mentored by Han Solo. For once, he had a father figure and a positive role model as opposed to people like Hux and Phasma. He learned to care for Rey and even love her. After Starkiller Base destroyed the Hosnian System, Finn realized running was pointless and knew he had to fight. Then Kylo Ren took Rey. Finn went to The Resistance using his time on Starkiller Base to shut down the shield generator and plant the explosives on the thermal oscillator. Finn’s main focus was rescuing Rey. After Kylo force pushes Rey into a tree, Finn faces Kylo Ren. Finn learns to overcome his fears of The First Order and faces the symbolic evil that was Kylo Ren. Although Finn does not win, he puts up a good fight and was put in a coma for daring to defy Kylo. Then they bait and switched us with Rey. I’ll let you read my rant on that.

Finn was the co-protagonist of The Force Awakens, this is evident of Finn’s actions saving everyone. Finn is the very reason why the Resistance is even alive. Finn breaks his life-long brainwashing, informs Rey and Han about the importance of BB-8 and helps out in getting BB-8 to the resistance and provides vital information that lead to the destruction of STB and gets nearly killed while helping to achieve this. If it were not for Finn saving Poe, BB-8 would’ve been scrapped for parts and Rey never would’ve left Jakku. The map would either be destroyed or be in the hands of The First Order. Starkiller Base would’ve destroyed D’Qar and Ach-To. He is the reason why Poe is still alive. He is the reason why BB-8 isn’t parts and Rey left Jakku. Because of leaving Jakku, this is the sole reason why Han and Chewie were able to find the Falcon. And he is the reason why The Resistance was able to find out about Starkiller Base’s weakness. he Helps out in sabotaging STB so that Poe, the very pilot he saved in the beginning can deliver the finishing blow to Starkiller Base and destroy it completely.

There are some missed opportunity in TFA, believe me I know as I feel JJ squandered the theme of Stormtroopers rising up against their oppressors and that crack about Finn being a janitor was so tone deaf and unnecessary. 

Don’t believe me that Finn was meant to be the co-protagonist of the Sequels? Look at the marketing?

Also. Just look at the hopeful optimism and representation FInn brought to black people.

Then the racist boycotting happened. The boycott was groups of bigots who wanted the ST to be boycotted. What was the response from Lucasfilm? Zero defense of John Boyega, but their actions were transparent when they shrunk Finn on the TFA poster for fucking China’s sake, kept him off the TLJ teaser poster, and small on the official poster

I’ll let what Rian Johnson chose to do with Finn speak for itself. John Boyega has every right to hate what Rian did with his character.

By giving into the boycott and doing their best to erase and sideline John Boyega, Lucasfilm proved they would always cater to mob law if the mob was big enough. Do I have proof of this boycott against John Boyega? Yes, I do.

Also, popular Reylo blogger Jenny Nicholson’s racism against John Boyega

Reminder that Jenny Nicholson blocked a whole fuckton of Black people who even gently criticized her about how she went after John Boyega

Did Lucasfilm after The Force Awakens try to support their Black lead in any way? No. In fact, they began to erase him harder than ever to the point Fans started a hashtag #WhereIsFinn because it was getting so bad. But Bryan Young, a Lucasfilm writer, sure loved to hate on Finn

Lucasfilm was so racist, the very concept of a Black man and a white woman getting together sent them into such a frenzy Lucasfilm had to have it removed from any EU material just to make sure they kept it nice and bigot friendly. Also it’s worth noting that Alan Dean Foster was ordered by Lucasfilm/Disney to scrap any hints of Finnrey romance from the TFA novel as he believed that was the direction of the Sequels’ romance and coincidentally they did next to nothing with and we know it was racially motivated. "I expected to see that developed further in Episode VIII [The Last Jedi]," Foster said. "And zero happened with it. And we all know why zero happened with it — and there's no need to go into it in-depth — but that's, sadly, just the way things are."

It wasn’t JJ Abrams, Lawrence Kasdan or Chris Terrio who were against Finnrey. It was Disney and Lucasfilm and RIan Johnson was more than happy to separate Rey and Finn 99% of the movie(he said and did enough things to prove that he didn’t want the two characters even near each other)

Then John spoke about his frustration with how he was treated

People have tried to twist the narrative or put words in Boyega's mouths, but his GQ interview paints the picture rather clearly. He was sidelined due to his race after The Force Awakens when The Last Jedi came around with a "reordered character hierarchy" Lucasfilm's order btw

It resulted in Rey and Kylo Ren being featured prominently in both TLJ and TROS. It also resulted in Reylo being canon. Lucasfilm killed the Sequel trilogy, cause they couldn’t bare the thought of a black man in the leading role and a interracial relationship. 

If you look at TFA, you’ll realize that Finn was built up to becoming a Jedi, Kylo’s foil and Rey’s equal. Because TLJ happened, Finn’s role was reduced to a side character and JJ could not make him as prominent as he originally wanted to. EIther studio interference or TLJ screwed everything up so bad that he had to work on it slowly and just hope that Disney + would have something for Finn.

At the start of the trilogy, we all thought people of color would have a prominent role in the new trilogy, there was a potential for the first interracial relationship in Star Wars and there was a potential for the first LGBT relationship in Star Wars. But no, it’s clear that both TLJ and TROS gave us the impression that only white people can be Jedi and only white people can have epic romances and save the galaxy, people of color can only have secondary roles. And the blink and you miss it kiss? Only white women, not two men of color who clearly love each other.

Finn’s best scenes were deleted. 

Finn and the villager. it really shows why Finn chose to leave. Finn’s reasoning for leaving the First Order had nothing to do with being against violence, but a moral confliction of not wanting to hurt defenseless people. This villager wasn’t a soldier, wasn’t trying to hurt him. She was just a woman with her baby. This wasn’t war, this was murder, and Finn refused to be a murderer.

TLJ alternate opening. Opens with Finn waking up. Small change, but it would show that Finn is still a prominent character.

BB-8 shows Finn Rey’s last moment with him. BB-8 tries to cheer Finn up, but to no avail until he shows him a recording of Rey from the end of The Force Awakens - the scene she says goodbye to an unconscious Finn and kisses him on the forehead before leaving to find Luke Skywalker.

Poe gives back his sewn up jacket to Finn. In this deleted scene, Poe fills in the gaps and tries to assuage Finn about his concerns, including Finn's mixed feelings about his relationship with the Resistance. Poe then gives back the jacket that was once his and became Finn's in The Force Awakens, showing Finn that he sewed it up. This scene doesn't necessarily push forward any plot development, but should've remained as great a moment between Finn and Poe. The two characters established a wonderful chemistry and bond in The Force Awakens, and with Finn off on Canto Bight for much of The Last Jedi, fans didn't get to see as much of their relationship as expected. It's nice to see that chemistry and bond again. Finn's question about winning is also interesting in highlighting the constant uphill battle of the Resistance. Even destroying the Starkiller Base, Rey defeating Kylo Ren, and blowing up a Dreadnought can still put the Resistance in the position of fleeing. 

The elevator scene between Finn and an old Stormtrooper friend.  A Stormtrooper voiced by Tom Hardy recognizes Finn and starts talking to him. Finn starts to draw his gun, thinking the Stormtrooper has recognized him as a traitor, but it turns out the Stormtrooper is just surprised to see that FN-2187 has become an officer. The scene may go on for a bit too long, but ultimately it should've stayed in. The scene in the elevator does a great job playing with the audience's emotions, as they're unsure whether the tension will rise to the breaking point of a fight or evolve into a humorous moment. It also shows Finn using restraint by not killing a fellow Stormtrooper, unlike the other two movies.

Phasma’s alternate and BETTER death scene. WHY WAS THIS CUT????? No seriously, WHY WAS THIS FUCKING CUT????? I will never understand why this was deleted. Finn calls her out about her betrayal of lowering the shields and when this information is revealed, the Stormtroopers near her look suspicious and it looks as if they are going to turn on her. Phasma like the ultimate survivalist she is kills them with no hesitation. Finn cuts her hand off and blasts her into the abyss, giving Phasma a more deserving and better send off. Seriously, this is way better than their actual confrontation.  What I really like about this scene is its direct connection to The Force Awakens plot point and that it acknowledges Phasma's survivalist attitude which was introduced into her novel. The Phasma novel and comic portrayed her not as a First Order loyalist, but as a ruthless warrior who did whatever it took to survive. She even went so far as hunting down and doing away with those within the First Order who had knowledge of what she did at the Starkiller Base lest the truth get out. Phasma was always about self-preservation, she wasn't about preserving the First Order, but that never comes across in The Force Awakens or The Last Jedi. It only comes across in this deleted scene where Phasma chooses to end her own Stormtroopers to save herself.

Something else that bothers me. Finn’s treatment in the expanded universe. Have you ever noticed that Poe and Kylo got all the big expanded universe material and Finn is always shoved into the background or not there at all? Even worse, every form of media portrays Finn as Poe's bumbling sidekick, which is even more apparent in TROS. They were more interested in having Poe and Finn being the Abbott and Costello of the ST instead of letting Finn going from Stormtrooper to Jedi and lead a Stormtrooper Rebellion.

In the journey to TROS, Finn is not featured in ANY of the novels or graphic novels for the Journey to TROS. When he was, he was used as Poe’s sidekick and not featured anywhere with Rey. Before the release of the movie, he is not featured whatsoever in any shape or form in marketing. We get to see him in two teasers but he says nothing. His new outfit looks awesome. Finn could’ve been used to rise as a Jedi with Rey and essentially be the Skywalkers that Rise and face Kylo and Palpatine together. If not that, Finn could’ve caused a Stormtrooper Rebellion that burns The First Order from the inside out. Instead of any of that, it Finn was given nothing for this movie. He doesn’t even get to face Kylo Ren, their rivalry as foils was completely dropped. That is sad and heartbreaking.

Seriously, there is no novelizations or comics that expand on Finn’s time in The First Order. Sure, there is Before The Awakening. But consider this. Finn was their best Stormtrooper, so good that Hux considered him Captain material.

There is so much potential with Finn in the Expanded Universe. Apply all the posts I’ve linked and more.

The Poe Dameron comics were not about Poe’s life, they were about his personality, skills, character, and the Resistance. So I ask, why can’t/couldn’t the same have been done with Finn pre TFA? A comic series exploring his character while world building the First Order.

There is so much to tell. You could start with Finn vividly remembering his family and how he was abducted and recruited for the FN Corps.

You could even show the ruthlessness of The First Order by showing initiation for the FN Corps is only granted by forcing the children to kill each other in a Hunger Games/Battle Royale to see who the strongest and who deserves to be welcomed to the First Order. This would be in separate groups of the children who are abducted to determine who gets to be put in the FN Corps. We could see Phasma returning to the room, only to see a young Finn covered in blood and dried up tears. Phasma will only say “Welcome to The First Order, FN-2187.”

Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how Finn, a brainwashed soldier broke free of his mental conditioning, learned the truth of the FO yet still tried to be a good soldier. It could flesh out his relationship with the squad he led, as well as Phasma and Hux.

It could’ve also showcased the brotherhood and friendship Finn had with  FN-2199 (“Nines”), FN-2000 (“Zeroes”), and FN-2003 (“Slip”).

The biggest thing it could do is finally show Finn’s skills as a soldier, his brains, while giving so much needed world building First Order. We could also finally show what it’s like as a FO stormtrooper from a sympathetic POV.

Through the avenue of a Finn comic series you could also flesh out Hux, Phasma, Nines, Zeroes, Slip, and even characters like Kylo and Snoke. It doesn’t have to cover spoilers, just make the one note more dimensional while giving Finn so overdue respectful content

It could end with everyone asking Finn “what was the moment you decided to leave” which then we would see the TFA deleted scene of Finn in the village 

It could end on Finn saying "I was raised to do one thing, I used to think I’ve got nothing to fight for, but now I have something worth fighting for.“

And afterwards. You could show Finn and Jannah working together to liberating the other Stormtroopers. The first person they rescue? Zeroes, FInn’s last surviving Squad Member and together they awaken and liberate their brothers and sisters and all the while Finn rises up and becomes a Jedi!

For those wondering what about Finn in TROS? I’ll let this video do all the talking

I’d also like to point out. Finnrey WAS going to happen in TROS. Here’s confirmation by Jedipaxis, the main reddit leaker, who was right about everything before the films release, confirmed that Finn’s “i never told you” line was supposed to have some payoff and it was going to end with finn and rey holding hands. could this pic have been of the alternate ending? then reshoots happened and we got the Reylo kiss

I’m convinced that John Boyega was told by the higher ups to say Finn was meant to say he was “Force Sensitive” no one who is about to die would “always want to tell you” they were force sensitive. 

Hell, even in the original Episode IX by Colin Trevorrow. Duel Of Fates. Finn was given the shaft again. For some unknown reason, Rey is paired with Poe, a character who barely interacts with Rey at all. Finn was given another sidequest to do. The only brightside for Finn is he participates in retaking Corruscant and a Stormtrooper Rebellion near the end. 

Finn, who was once held in prominence as the co-protagonist alongside Rey. Was erased from how prominent he once was and reduced to a sidecharacter due to China and fanbacklash that there was going to be a black lead in Star Wars. Disney caved in to the racist backlash and caved into China’s racist demands. 

Finn deserved to be a main character alongside Rey, while Kylo Ren is their villain. He deserved a good character development, a great arc, an interesting backstory. he had the potential to become one of the most epic star wars characters. TLJ and TROS was an insult for him and he deserved better. nobody will EVER change my mind.

Finn should’ve been a Stormtrooper turned Jedi who embraced the light, while Kylo Ren who was the Skywalker who rejected the light and embraced the dark. Rey should’ve been Luke’s daughter, while Finn is the Jedi who builds himself up from being a Stormtrooper from nowhere to Jedi and together Rey and Finn stop Kylo Ren and bring down The First Order and rebuild The Jedi!

Finn should have been a Stormtrooper turned Jedi.  It doesn’t matter that you think it tells a better story for him to not be a Jedi. “Finn being a hero who is not a Jedi is important.” Poe and Rose are great examples of ordinary heroes coming from nowhere. Rey was supposed to be a jedi related to Skywalker or Kenobi legacy while Finn was the perfect “nobody from nowhere” that becomes a Jedi. And honestly, Black kids deserved to see themselves in the Black Jedi and black kids deserved to see themselves as one of the three protagonists of the trilogy.

Finn got no last name No theme Was sidelined in the trilogy Had his scenes cut Mocked by Lucasfilm employees Racially harassed by bigots and media outlets Disney used while staying silent and then Disney has the nerve to say they “stand” with John Boyega during the BLM movement and celebrated Finn during black history month despite squandering him....

Finn deserved better, period!

#Star Wars #Finn #Finnrey #John Boyega #Anti Lucasfilm #Anti Rian Johnson #Anti Sequel Trilogy

[srorgana1]

Into the Reverb (Kylo Ren/Reader)

Chapter Twenty Five

“So, what do you think?” Chewie says across the table. Kylo smiles, squeezing your hand under the table. “I think it sounds good” you said, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. He is so fucking proud of you. You accepted your sudden exposure and the changes that accompanied it with such grace and humility.

You did amazing during your interviews, acknowledging your professional relationship with the band and your contribution to the album. You attributed much of your success to your long-standing love of music and Chewie’s excellent mentorship. A couple reporters tried to rile you up during one of your interviews, trying to name you the woman that was seen with him on the Pier. You simply smiled and said whoever that was is one lucky woman to have captured his attention.

While you portrayed a sense of calm and professionalism during the interviews, Kylo was the one who had to put you back together after each one. He would hold you in his arms as you let out your anxious energy as he showered you with love and praise. You would apologize each time, but he didn’t mind at all. This was the real you and he loved you for it.

He hears Phasma clear her throat, pulling him to the present. He looks over to you, watching you read over your new contract. “So, as we have discussed, you will oversee the sound directors assigned to you and be the primary contact for the band managers. All decisions will go through you for the bands assigned to you. You will help coordinate with the PR team and upper management. Do you have any questions regarding your new role?” Phasma asks.

He feels you squeeze his hand back. ”No, it makes sense. I have watched Chewie excel in the role and so I have an idea. I just want to confirm the training period is still happening” you say, looking between Chewie and Phasma. “Of course, Y/N, we want you to feel fully comfortable and confident before you take on your own workload” Phasma says, flipping her blonde hair back “D’Acy and I agree that you training with Chewie will set you up for success.” Chewie smiles and nods at you.

Kylo watches you take a deep breath. You deserve this more than anyone. You have the skills and talent to help any band succeed if they are willing to work for it. His heart pounds with adoration and pride that his strong baby girl is being recognized and rewarded.

“Well then, I accept your offer” you say, letting go of Kylo's hand and grabbing the pen in front of you. Watching you sign your name; he feels his phone vibrate again in his pocket. He ignores it because he knows it’s probably Hux. Let him squirm a little, he thinks as he watches you shake hands with Phasma. He smiles at the overt happiness written all over your face. You really are radiant and it makes him even more excited for your surprise tonight.

Once the meeting is over, he posts himself outside the door. He pulls out his phone and sure enough he had three texts and one missed call from Hux. Kylo where are you? I need your opinion on this, it’s very important. Not as much as this was, he thinks as he clicks on the surly ginger’s contact. The phone rings. “Fucking finally Ren” an irritated voice says. “Well hello to you too Hux, how may I assist you on the fine morning?” Kylo says sarcastically as he watches you and Chewie talk.

“Don’t start with me Ren” he clips. Kylo can hear movement in the background. “Just heard from the manager from both Horizons and KYBER about the tour. It’s gonna be tricky since both are slated for European tours this winter so we may have to move the tour up…” He stiffened at the words. “Like how much up?” Kylo asked. “Two months” Hux says. Two months. He thought he would have much more time with you before having to leave. This changes things.

“You there Ren?” Hux says impatiently. “Is everyone else okay with it?” he asks, toeing the ground with his boot. “Yes, they are, you were the last one. Tour will start first of July” Hux said flatly. “Okay, well if that’s how it’s got to be, I’m okay with it” Kylo says, rubbing his clean shaven jaw.

He starts making a mental list of everything he wants to do with you between now and then. “Oh, by the way, Rogue’s manager reached out. Said Noah and the guys said they are sorry they missed the album release party. They are requesting to play with you all sometime during the tour” Hux rambled.

Kylo smirked because he knew this already. Noah had texted him later that week, apologizing profusely. He obviously understood, they had just left for a tour and were busy. “The only date I can see working is a music festival in September. I know you all are already doing two…”

Kylo rolled his eyes and breathed out an annoyed breath. “Hux it’s fine” he growls, wanting this conversation to be over. “Oh, oh okay, okay. I’ll get on that” Hux stutters. “Great I gotta go” Kylo said, watching you walk towards him. “Okay I’ll be in touch” Hux says, ending the call.

As he puts his phone into his pocket, he feels you wrap your arms around his neck. He wraps his arms around you, keeping you close. “Congratulations baby girl” he said lowly as he ran his fingers across your lower back. He watched your face warm and burrow into his chest. He hears you mutter thank you along with some deep breaths. He knew how much these situations took out of you. He squeezed you slightly and pulled you to face him.

“Do you have anything else to do here today?” he says, trying to hide his excitement. “No, I don’t think so. Well maybe, Trax just finished recording a couple songs and…” you say, looking around. God you were adorable. “Great, leave that for tomorrow then. I got plans for us” he says as he kisses your forehead. Releasing you, he extends his hand. You smile and accept it, allowing him to lead you down the hallway.

His chest swelled with pride as people congratulated you as they walked back through the studio. Rae even stopped them, hugging you tightly. While Rae is not his favorite person, it made him happy that she was happy for you. You laugh and smile as Rae waves you off with a wink. “Behave you two! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” she calls down the hall. He smirks as your cheeks warm.

He leads you to his SUV, opening the door for you. You smile and kiss his lips lightly before climbing in. He rubs his lips together, savoring it. He rounds the vehicle and hops in, starting the engine quickly. He whips out of the parking lot quickly, already impatient to get home so he can start your surprise.

He feels your soft hand touch his thigh. He lets out of breath as the heat of your hand soaks into the rough denim. He looks over quickly. “Kylo are you okay? You seem nervous” you say as your fingers play with the stitching. “I’m fine baby girl” he says, squeezing your hand quickly before bringing it back to the steering wheel.

Falling into a comfortable silence, you leave your hand on his thigh. You have slowly become more brazen in your touching of him. He loved that you felt comfortable enough with him to show this side of you. He always wants to worship you no matter if he initiates or you do.

He fights down his arousal as your fingers twitch towards his crotch. He looks over at a red light. You are looking out the window. He grips your hand and intertwines his fingers with yours. You look over, meeting his stare as he raises your hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles. “I love you baby girl” he says, kissing your hand again.

He can see desire and adoration in your eyes. He knows you feel the same even if you don’t say it back. But in his soul, he yearns to hear those three words spill from your beautiful lips. I will wait, he tells himself, for it will be that much sweeter. He squeezes your hand gently and places it back down on his thigh. The light turns green.

“This is all just so crazy” you mutter, shaking your head. “Why do you think that?” he replies, side eyeing you quickly. “It’s just everything. The album, the promotion, everything. I really can’t believe this is happening…” you say looking out the window. He watches you take in a deep breath.

“Baby girl, you deserve every good thing that has happened. You worked hard and were rewarded. You are lucky you work for a company who acknowledges and celebrates talent and fosters it. I would’ve given my left nut to have that when I was with First Order” he says, wishing he could look at you to imply his seriousness on the matter.

“Thank you, Ky,” you say as you look at him “I know I am lucky. It pains me to know how unappreciated you were there.” You squeeze his thigh, emphasizing your point. You don’t even know the half of it, he thinks as he swallows down his fear.

How the hell will he tell you everything that happened to him? It’s all so complicated and if he did tell you everything would you still stay? You deserve to know, and he needs to tell you before he leaves for tour, just in case. He huffs out a breath and rubs a hand through his hair. Not now, he tells himself, don’t ruin the mood.

He squeezes your hand. “Thank you babe, that means a lot coming from you. But I’m okay, even better with you here” he says with a wink. He sees you roll your eyes and smile. “So, what’s the surprise?” you ask as he pulls into the parking garage. “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, baby girl” he said, smiling wickedly. He turns off the car and quickly rounds the vehicle opening the door for you. You take his hand and walk towards the lobby.

He sees your eyes quickly go to his motorcycle sitting outside the lobby doors. He sees your eyes light up, probably with the same happy memories that he has. “Are we taking this?” you ask, your voice full of excitement. He chuckles as he kisses the top of your head. “Yes, baby girl, but we need to get the rest” he says squeezing your hand and pulling you towards the lobby.

#adam driver #knights of ren #rockstar! kylo ren #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren au #star wars au #kylo x y/n #kylo ren #kylo fanfic #kylo x reader #kylo ren fanfic #Spotify

[cwopf]

MY THEORY OF GILLOVNY

What if these two actually are together in real life. What if it IS a possibility. As lunatic as it seems, I can’t help but think about it. I have a life of my own, believe me, yet I keep coming back to this thought every once in a while, because I admit I’ve never seen anything like it before and I am not someone who gives even a flying fuck about celebrities. But these two make me wonder and I don’t know what is it about them, but I somehow want to believe in them.

What if their undeniable chemistry truly is real and their love is so much more than just a friendship.

What if Peter Morgan truly is nothing but a colleague and some kind of publicity she caught herself in, because even with all the “proof” of them being a couple, something just doesn’t sit right.

Her behavior, the gestures around him, it just doesn’t seem like a well loved, happy beyond dream kinda woman, I don’t physically see it. I truly don’t get the “love of my life” vibe. Do you?

Stiff, reserved and all in all a bit cold even, they truly make me wonder if it might be just a PR stunt. And, look, if I saw her crazy happy with a guy I’d be happy for her, totally. But, this? Nah, I don’t buy this shit.

Which, when I look back at all the gillovny moments, as crazy as it was, makes me believe that it was more than just an acted out exaggeration. And not even just a deep, year long friendship.

What if it truly passed all of that and became a romance at some point, and a big one. It certainly did look like it at a time. And while it currently looks like it had already ended, it made me think - what if that’s the point?

It takes a fool not to notice their ways towards each other, and even with all the denials, which sure make it hard to believe, when you see it for yourself it naturally comes as a possibility. It seems like a waste not to pursue something like that.

If we go back to the hints. The random sightings. Some might be made up, I am sure, but then some seem just crazy accurate.

What’s with the random dates in their lives, how can it all be so synchronized. Is it just random luck or is it an ode or a message to one another of some sort?

Why were they spotted in the same places so many times, randomly and out of their professional time together. Why the visits on sets, the airport sightings, the deleted tweets that seemed to reveal a little bit too much, the supposed holiday trips to the same destinations.

Why do people in the biz say stuff like “You mean Gillian and David? They’re not married, but they have been together for a while now.” Why does a random person (who apparently works for tv) on fb wish them a happy bday, then posts about how they have been together for a while now and how it was a nice surprise. And why would someone just say that out of the blue? Yep, it probably meant nothing. But, again. What if there was some truth to that? And that was only a fucking year ago.

How do two people accidentally get crippled at the same time? Also the stories from that same event, of how they love each other and their gestures towards one other, them arriving together and entering separately? What the hell are people noticing? Wasn’t she already kinda supposedly taken by then?

Why does she always wear the link bracelet, she wore it in their “good times” and it truly seems like a gift from D, which, of course, we will never know matter of fact, but it just feels like it. She has it on constantly, it seems so telling. She also wears it on red carpets with PM all the time and on almost every photoshoot. What IF it is from DD, wouldn’t that say something?

Also the necklace with a link he once wore on the stage of one of his concerts, could that very link be a part of her chain? If yes, then that is some deeply romantic shit.

Also the recent interviews, one in particular comes to mind. First, her mentioning her supposed boyfriend subtly and only saying the name out loud when asked about it, then proceeding to talk about her “partner” and telling a story of how they were talking about the aging process, but how they respect it because they are both going through it. Why does it feel like the mentioned totally fits someone else, like she’d discuss such a thing with someone who has been a part of her life for a long time and she had inevitably experienced this process with during the years. Does this click for anyone else too, or am I crazy and making up shit?

This was the moment when I stopped to think if just maybe there was a crazy possibility of David still being in her life.

Why does she speak about it being so good not living with her man and how she doesn’t see him that often, but when she does it’s special and it works for them.

While she must have been seeing her “current man” on set all the time. Do you notice how a lot of stuff that are supposedly about PM just don’t add up? Also, again, does the story make you think about someone else as well?

Also, have to throw this in here. The Christmas Jonathan Ross show. The sudden David (dick) reference. The Rob Lowe (apparently a good friend of David’s) saying “not far off from what I’ve been told” then both of them giggling together, almost as if an inside joke. The kind that gives off the vibe of making you wonder if the size thing’s something she’d accidentally blab out and brag about jokingly at some dinner party they once shared.

Why does she usually not give a fuck about half the stuff said, yet she would feel so shaken by people’s disbelief to publicly put it out on twitter about PM being the “love of her life” just to defend that idea? Why does it not seem like her at all? Why do I feel making a joke or being sarcastic about it would fit her more?

Is her SM being totally under control?

Maybe the penis and yoni of the day (along with Nelson) are one of the rare outlets right now, even that being some pre-approved idea for having it seem like she’s being her regular self, cause that’s something that we know fits her character.

But when you think about it, it is still a mini subtle commercial for SexEd. Which I love, yet...Netflix. Again.

Also, the constant mentioning of Netflix along with PM in her stories, desperately trying to fit him somewhere. Like the “what do you eat during quarantine” and bam: “when me and Pete hosted a dinner we froze a chocolate cake...” Riiight. Is it just me, or does it seem like trying way too hard?

Which makes me think of all the contrary. If we go back to the past Gillovny fuckery...“he’s in the shower” and “I’m with schmoopie” shirts and “chewie’s girlfriend” and the twitter saga. What if it was intentionally done that way to make people think “what if”, but obviously take it as a joke, because of course that’s what it is. But was it? Maybe they just knew no one would truly buy it so they could play around for a little bit and actually be a couple for a minute, make out on Kimmel and fuck around on twitter. Propaganda? Maybe.

Some truth in that? God damn it, almost feels like it. Sure felt way more natural, sexy and loving than any of the stuff going on today.

What if we hate MP for no reason, what if she’s just truly a fucking assistant, a help and nothing but it. What if G hugged her after the play in London out of gratitude, because she’s just a prop they need to act this shit out. What if it’s all a big shitshow, but a shitshow nonetheless.

What if I will say the silliest shit of all time and boldly assume...that behind all of this which we do not understand, D&G are still together and fine. What if it was meant to feel like the end to us. But they are there, in secret, because it’s somehow better for them, because they prefer it that way.

What if the shoe pic of “working from home in my Dune London shoes” a day prior to his 60th birthday is just another way to turn people away from that idea and subtly make them not even question anything, while in reality she is with him, somewhere, celebrating his 60th birthday. And things are much brighter for them than what they seem.

I might be so wrong, so off. But something is going on in the background and there are way too many things I do not buy.

Also, it was honestly more probable to me that they were once together, but fell apart somewhere along the way, I believed that and it totally seemed like a probable scenario.

Until the very subtle, yet interesting stuff that have been going on made me question it again, maybe it’s silly, but when I connect the dots, like the constant bracelet wearing, the talking about a partner and not mentioning the name, but referencing stuff that feel completely Gillovny, aging with someone, long distance shit, random people still stating “they have been together for a while now, nice surprise”. Maybe it’s a load of bullshit, but it also just makes it seem like he still might be there, somewhere, after all.

How the hell did I end up here? I ask myself this constantly. I still have no idea.

Yes, it is so fucking crazy. But this is where I leave this at.

#gillovny #david duchovny #gillian anderson #gillian and david #the x files

[twomoonstwosuns]

dinner.

back to you [series masterlist]

previous part · next part

pairing: professor!poe dameron x reader

warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol, age gap (reader over 18), things aren’t fluffy anymore.

word count: 2.8k

a/n: i really appreciate the love for the last chapter, i am truly glad you enjoyed it. i am my own worst critic and sometimes i feel unsure about what i write and need some validation.  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heels were not fun to wear in the middle of winter. 

Heels plus invisible ice equaled a disaster waiting to happen, even to the most experienced heel-wearers. You tried to avoid getting dressed up during the winter as much as you could for that very reason. However, dinner at Calrissian’s required a little more effort than a nice pair of pants and a nice top, which is how you found yourself in a fitted dress with heels, hair curled and makeup intricately done, sipping on a glass of wine that cost way more than it should.

You were practically counting the minutes until you could leave. You were going straight to Poe’s afterwards, a newly bought surprise for him hugging your body just underneath your dress.

“How’s my niece or nephew doing?” You asked as Tallie sat down on your right. She was four months pregnant and just beginning to show.

“I am hungry all the time and I have the weirdest cravings, so don’t judge whatever I choose to eat tonight. You know I actually had Chris go get me pickles and ice cream last night?” You gave her a disgusted look. “I’m a walking pregnancy cliché.”

“Are you guys going to find out the sex?”

“We haven’t decided. Chris and I keep going back and forth on whether we want to know or not. I have an appointment next week and I’m hoping we’ll make a decision right then and there.”

“If you do find out, promise me you won’t do an over-the-top stupid cheesy gender reveal. Just get cake or something.”

“I promise.” You clinked your wine glass against her glass of water to seal the deal. Your mother suddenly standing up from her end of the table with an excited gasp caught your attention.

“Leia, it’s so good to see you!”

She greeted a woman with graying hair done up in an intricate braid. You recognized the woman immediately. You were too blindsided at the coincidence of running into her to question how your mother knew her. The two women hugged before your mother beckoned you and Tallie over.  

“Tallie, Y/N, this is Dr. Organa.”

You shook Leia’s outstretched hand, an awed smile on your face.

“I know,” you said dumbly. “I mean, I go to your school.”

“I thought I’d seen you around campus before. Lots of students, but I’m good with faces.” Leia gave you a kind smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too, ma’am.”

“Are Ben and Han not coming?” Your mother asked, looking around towards the entrance. Leia chuckled.

“My husband and son are late, as usual.” You furrowed your brow.

“Wait, you’re—you’re Ben’s mom?”

“Why did you think she was here?” Tallie asked. You shot her a glare before looking back at Leia.

“I’m sorry, I—you go by Organa not Solo, so I didn’t realize—”

“One thing I learned is that you don’t need your husband’s last name if you don’t want it. Doesn’t mean I love him any less. But I’ve got the doctorate, not him.”

She sent you a wink and you smiled nervously. You took a giant sip of wine as you came to an unsettling realization: you were about to dine with your ex-boyfriend’s mom who also happened to be the president of the university your current boyfriend, who you weren’t supposed to be dating in the first place, taught at and who would be interviewing for a promotion with very soon.

You had a feeling it would be a long night.  

“There they are!”

The booming voice of Han Solo caused many heads to turn, yet he didn’t seem to care. He was just as roguish and scruffy looking as you remembered, a look that worked quite well for him. His graying hair didn’t slow him down.

You practically did a double take when you saw the man trailing behind him.

He was taller than his father now. The freckles and moles that marked his face were as prominent as ever and jet-black hair had grown out to brush the top of his shoulders. He smiled as he greeted your mom, his dimples deep. He was no longer the tall boy with big ears that stuck out and a goofy smile.

Ben Solo was a man.  

Your breath caught when he looked at you, memories of high school flooding back. Deep brown eyes looked you up and down, like he was trying to remember what you looked like the last time he saw you.

“Hi,” your voice was breathy, nervous. Ben gave you a shy smile, feeling the same awkward tension in the air. You stared at him, still not believing how much older he looked after four years. Han interrupted your moment by patting you on the back and giving you a short hug.

When they were seated, a waiter came around with the wine list and menus for the newcomers. Conversation stalled as everyone looked at the menu, starting up again when the waiter came and left with his or her orders. A toast to old friends was made before Han launched into some story about a trip to Africa he was planning, with Leia, Tallie, and your mother listening intently. You turned your body towards Ben.

“Tell me about Europe.”

Ben leaned forward onto his elbows, his broad frame taking up a lot of space.

“I dropped out of school.” He admitted, his voice deeper than you remember. You tilted your head in a concerned way. He waved it off like it was nothing. “I thought I knew what I wanted to do but after last year I realized I had no clue. So I dropped out and I’ve been traveling ever since. I’ve been all over, not staying in a place long enough to get attached but long enough to get to know some of the locals, the best hide away spots.”

You were joyfully envious of him. “That’s awesome, though. I hope I get to travel like you have someday.” You nodded your head in the direction of his parents. “How’d they take it?”

“Upset at first.” He shrugged with a small grin. “Dad not as much.”

“He’s always been a ‘oh-you’re-going-somewhere-count-me-in’ kind of person, hasn’t he?”

“Yeah, he hasn’t changed much.”

You smiled politely. “So what’re you going to do now?”

“I’m not sure. Travel more. Do an internship. I haven’t decided.”

It was nice to catch up with Ben on the last four years. You had always loved talking to him, even before you dated. Ben was very passionate person, always gushing about something he loved when someone expressed interest in it. He saw the beauty in things; the tiny, unique details that a lot of people didn’t bother to look for.

It was one of the things that initially drew you to him. Coincidentally, it was one of the things that drew you to Poe as well.

“How’s Chewie doing?” You asked, remembering the brown labradoodle that the Solos had had since Ben was a child. 

“He’s---”

“Y/N, are you seeing anyone these days?”

You were so caught up in conversation with Ben that you didn’t hear the other conversation switch from travel stories to Tallie’s relationship and pregnancy. Your eyes snapped up to Han and then to your mother and to Ben. You cleared your throat uncomfortably. Were you really about to tell your mom, sister and ex that you were in a relationship? You saw Leia looking at you with the same interested look as your mother and you knew you couldn’t say anything.

“I’m just trying to make it through the semester so I can graduate.”

“That’s technically not a ‘no’.” Tallie pointed out. You glared at her. Ben placed his hand on your arm. 

“Chewie’s old but still good.”

You smiled appreciatively as the food came, and not a moment too soon. As you ate, Ben asked about you, how school was going, what you chose for your major, and your plans for the future. You reminisced about high school, the good and the cringey moments. He avoided asking more questions about your dating life and you had never been more grateful.

Dessert was to go, the opportunity to sample it too good to pass up but stomachs full from the delicious meal you had just eaten. You snagged a few bites of your dessert before deciding to give the rest to Poe. You practically pushed your mother and sister out of the restaurant. Despite having a nice time, you really just wanted to go see Poe.  

“Hey,” Ben put a hand on your forearm as you stepped into the chill of the night. “I just wanted to say I heard about your dad. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” You gave him a tight-lipped smile. “It’s been…it’s been weird.”

“You can always reach out if you want to talk about it. I’m a good listener.”

“Yeah, I know you are,” you said. “It was good to see you, Ben.”

You opened your arms for a friendly hug. He stepped in, towering over you as you gave him a couple friendly pats on the back. Ben lingered into your touch a little bit and you cleared your throat awkwardly as you pulled away.

“I’ll see you around,” you yelled back as you found your car, getting in before you could see the way Ben watched you leave with a small smile and an optimistic look on his face.

》 》 》

“I brought you cheesecake!” you sang as you entered Poe’s apartment. He looked up at the sound of your heels against the hardwood floor of his kitchen. “It is phenomenal. I did sneak a few bites but the rest is yours and you are going to love it.”

You leaned over to give Poe a quick kiss hello but he quickly grabbed the lapel of your coat before you backed away. His hands slid underneath your open coat to rest on your waist as he softly pecked your lips several times. After five months worth of kisses, he still took your breath away like it was the first time. Poe smiled contently as he pulled away, keeping you close to him. He kissed the tip of your thumb as you wiped the away lipstick that was smudged on his face.

“How was dinner?” You shrugged.

“Not as boring as I thought it was going to be.”

“Well, you look beautiful.”

“Thank you. I froze my ass off wearing this though.”

“Then you are a very beautiful popsicle.”

“Well if you think I look beautiful now, then you are going to love what I have on underneath.”

Poe practically growled as his head fell onto your shoulder, his lips finding where your neck met your collarbone. It was exactly the reaction you were hoping for, but you needed to talk to him first. With a light chuckle, you gently pushed him towards the counter and held the fork out to him.  

“You need to eat this cheesecake first,” you said, the tone of your voice becoming a little less light-hearted. “And there’s something I have to tell you that’s kind of important.”

Poe stepped away from you and grabbed the fork, taking the box with the cheesecake in it and leaning against the back of the counter. You wrung your hands nervously and cleared your throat as Poe took a bite of the cheesecake, his brown eyes looking at you expectedly. You took a deep breath. Truth time.

“First of all, the family I went to dinner with tonight, the Solos? They’re family friends but their son Ben and I were in a relationship in high school.”

Poe froze mid-chew and was still for a moment before nodding slowly. He kept looking down, like he didn’t want to be bothered by what you were saying but couldn’t help it.

“Ben’s mother…is Leia Organa.” Poe finally looked up at you, his brow furrowed.

“President Organa?!” He asked in disbelief. You nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know.”

“How could you not know?”

His curt tone surprised you. It honestly felt like no big deal to you. In fact, you thought he’d welcome the information even if it wasn’t good news, but instead you felt judged; like you were dumb for not knowing something so general about the person you were dating.

“I never met her.” You kept your voice calm. “She was teaching somewhere in Europe when we dated. She goes by Organa, not Solo, so I never made the connection.”

Poe nodded in understanding, stabbing the cheesecake unnecessarily hard. You flinched. “Is that it?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

An awkward silence filled the apartment. Neither of you said a word and neither of you so much as glanced at each other.

“So Ben…” You looked back at him and stared with eyebrows raised, waiting to see where he was going to go. “Did you tell him you’re dating someone?”

“No.” It was Poe’s turn to stare at you and wait for a response. “I couldn’t tell my mother, my sister, my ex, and my ex’s parents I was seeing somebody. They’d press me for information and…Poe’s not a very common name. Leia would’ve made the connection, she knows I’m a student here.”

“So, your ex still thinks you’re single.”

“It’s not like he’s still in love with me after four years.”

“You don’t know that.”

“And even if he was, who cares? I’m with you. I’m in a relationship with you.”

“But he doesn’t know that, so he thinks he still has a chance. If he wants it.”

You crossed your arms over your chest. “I was just being honest with you, Poe.”

“I appreciate it.”

You scoffed. “Yeah, I can tell.”

Poe scoffed right back, a hand going on his hip. You recognized this stance. You hadn’t seen it from him but you’d seen it before. He was bracing for a fight. “You’re being honest, but it doesn’t mean I have to like what you’re telling me.”

“Would you rather I have not told you?” When Poe didn’t answer, you sighed heavily. “Not that my life is any of his business anymore, but I’ll tell him if that’s what you want. And I’ll tell my mom and sister even though I’m not ready.”

“Don’t do that,” Poe said, frustration starting to rise in him. “Don’t act like I’m telling you what to do. I’m not telling you what to do.”

“No it’s fine, I’ll tell them. I don’t know how my mom will take it given what she’s gone through, but I’ll tell her. It’s clearly what you want.”

Poe ran a hand through his hair. “Y/N, she’s going to deal with it with the rest of her life. There may never be a perfect time to tell her something she might not be happy with.”

“My parents were married for twenty-eight years! Twenty-eight years and my dad up and left, knowing that he was breaking her heart. He willingly broke her heart.”

“I understand—“

“No, you don’t. Your mom didn’t willingly leave you.”

Poe clenched his jaw. You quietly gasped at your own words and your eyes cast downward in shame. Your lips rolled in as your ears picked up the sound of a heavy sigh.

“Poe, I didn’t—“

Poe shook his head and walked into his bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him. Your chin dropped to your chest and swore under your breath. Calling his name, you walked towards his door. The only sound that was heard was the sound of Beebs’ collar jingling as he looked up at the sudden noise. You hung around for a few minutes, not hearing anything on the other side of his bedroom door, before walking back into the kitchen.

There were a million things you wanted to say, but you didn’t know where to start. You wanted to apologize and chastise him for walking off at the same time. You wanted to barge into his room and make him talk to you. But him ignoring you was a sign that you both needed time to cool off before you said something you’d regret.

You reluctantly walked out the door with tears swimming in your eyes and a heavy weight in your chest.

tag list [open!] - @ah-callie @darksideofclarke @gloomygoregirl @leilei-draws @imaginecrushes @i-ievu @brianamaree @yeeintensifies @spider-starry @krazykatkay456 @fanfiction-trashpile @afootnoteinyourhappiness @easterncryptid @my-child-gaara @myrandom-fandomlife @onebatch--twobatch @the-cry-of-youth @p3nny4urth0ught5 @porgiez @umchrisevans @galaxy-of-stories @seeking-a-great--perhaps 

#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron x y/n #poe dameron #poe dameron fanfiction #poe dameron angst #poe dameron x reader insert #modern au #modern poe dameron #back to you series #angst

[yessoupy]

the @imetyouonljpodcast episode this week gave me lots of thoughts and feelings about star wars. more like, reminded me of all my thoughts and feelings around my first fandom. thus, I decided to write my own journey into and throughout star wars fandom, and what it means to me. buckle up, this story spans decades.

my very first memory of anything star wars-related is a yoda puppet that my grandmother had. it had to be from the original run of the movies, because I was maybe 4 in my first memory of it, and i was born in '86. my sisters and I loved it, and one of our cousins was deathly scared of it so we'd chase him around the house with it.

my second memory of star wars was going to the movie store with my dad and sisters and seeing our favorite yoda on the cover of a VHS. "yoda yoda yoda! daddy, it's yoda!!! can we get it?" we were holding up the display cover for return of the jedi. dad said no, we couldn't get that one yet because we had to watch them in order. so we rented a new hope and all I remember was falling asleep while artoo and threepio were trundling across the tatooine desert sands. at five I guess I was too young.

in early 1997 the special editions of the original trilogy were aired in theaters and I was in 4th grade. dad took us to see one of them (I think empire, at some point we'd finally finished a new hope). at school that grading period I sat next to a boy named mark and he noticed I was drawing little x-wing silhouettes on my paper. "you like star wars too?" he asked. when I said yes, he declared that because of my name, he was going to call me skywalker. that's the name on the back of my high school letter jacket.

in fall of 1998 I started the 6th grade and I came home from school one day to a hardbound book my mom had checked out for me from the library. heir to the empire by timothy zahn. mom pointed out where it said on the cover it was a trilogy, and I could get the other books when I finished this one. she hadn't found the young jedi knights series for me. she'd checked out a GROWN-UP star wars book.

in spring of 1999 the phantom menace came out and my parents' friend took me to see it on opening day because neither of them were free and I HAD to go that day. later on that year she took me to a star wars exhibit at the museum of fine arts. that was also the first time I saw a monet and a renoir. the exhibit had costumes (real costumes!!!) from the original trilogy and the newest prequel. I bought a book about the myth of star wars in the museum gift shop.

I read every expanded universe book our local library had, which was a lot. I had a lot to catch up on, too, since heir to the empire had been published in 1992. you never saw me at school without a star wars book. I read while walking in the hallways, even. in 6th grade I read during lunch, since I was in varsity orchestra with 7th and 8th graders and was terribly shy. they'd tell me I should socialize at lunch, not read my books, but... I wanted to read. I had a lot to learn. I have a lot to know.

I was in 7th grade when I read vector prime, the first in the new series. my first class of the day was science, and the boy I had a crush on was in that class. we had DEAR time at the beginning of that class - drop everything and read. not a hardship for me. that day, I read the part of the book where chewbacca was killed. I looked up, astonished. heartbroken. I locked eyes with the boy I liked. he nodded at the book and I showed him the cover. he nodded sympathetically. "they killed chewie," I whispered. he said "I know."

I wrote original characters in star wars fan fiction when I was about 13. I had an internet friend named rachel who lived in brisbane. then there was dave and 'roswell' who gave me ideas for my story. I loved being able to talk about the wide world of star wars with other people. we used aol instant messenger and email. my username in those days had 'skywalker' in it. I am pretty sure we met in an aol chatroom. I didn't find much of use on the official star wars site and I have probably visited it fewer than 10 times since 1999.

I read those books all through middle and high school. they were my christmas presents and my birthday presents. I moved into our family beach house after college. it sounds really nice but I didn't have running water because it was the summer after Ike hit. I would go to the used book store on 23rd street and buy a stack of star wars books and read them while I waiting for calls to interview for a teaching position. weekends I'd go into town to stay at a friend's house and help her with wedding stuff. I'd shower there, too. that's where my new stash of star wars books started, with me catching up on the legacy of the force series I hadn't read in college and then finishing up through the fate of the jedi as those came out. I felt that I had grown up with these characters. I remembered when kyp was just an orphan han rescued, when jacen and jaina were five years old, when corran horn had no wife, no kids, and was just finding out who his family was. I had capital o opinions about what color lightsaber i would have and why (silver; bc corran), I knew the geography of the galaxy and where everyone was from and my favorite planet was dathomir because women ruled it. I knew all of these characters' histories and motivations and the difficult decisions they'd made and had to live with. I loved them.

i never ventured into the online fandom space for star wars, even after I'd found other online fandom spaces, because I didn't feel like there was anything anyone could add to it for me. I was satisfied with all I'd gotten. sure, favorite characters had been killed (after chewie, the one who stung most was Mara, luke's wife), but people die. and in such a long-running series spanning so many years and trillions of miles of space... you come to expect it.

people would ask me ALL THE TIME when the sequels were coming out and I said never. then, disney bought star wars. initially I was excited (tears of joy happy) to have sequels confirmed. my mind raced, imagining a trilogy centered on the events surrounding jacen's descent to the dark side. the original actors would be the right age for that. who could play jacen?

then, the announcement came that the canon was now 'legends' and they wouldn't be taking any of it into account when writing the sequels BUT that didn't mean we wouldn't see old canon favorites. they announced adam driver as the villain and I thought "jacen." I held onto the idea that this knowledge I had, these years of knowing these stories, would still be worth something. that I'd be able to add new information to my mental bookshelves and maps. that my universe would expand further.

the force awakens was a bitter disappointment. I was upset from the crawl, leia's title making it clear to me that she wasn't chief of state, she wasn't the mother to three children, han wasn't her husband, and all of her history I'd grown to love really was gone. what I saw was the older version of a woman I'd met when she was 18 and hadn't seen her since her early twenties. I didn't know her.

I didn't know the galaxy, either. starting with the new jedi order series, a map of the galaxy was included in the front of each book with the planets named so you knew where everything was happening. the new galaxy was bare. it was small and knowable. while the hosnian prime system was destroyed in the movie, I'd never known it, and all the planets I DID know were similarly blasted out of memory. where was dathomir and its fierce warrior witches? if their planets were gone so were their people.

as the movie trudged on, a retelling of a new hope, I kept thinking, "at least let his name be jacen." I hung my hopes on this sith character being han and leia's son and sharing that name of the boy I'd known and the man who'd grown up to turn to the dark side. at that first shout of 'BEN!' I was angry. Ben?? that was the name of LUKE'S son! that was MARA'S child! Ben??? with three letters jacen solo and ben skywalker were also dead to the galaxy.

I know, I know. I should get over it. I AM thankful for poe dameron. the x-wing books were always my favorite. poe was familiar to me the way other new characters weren't. he was part of the new republic navy. I knew what that was. he flew an x-wing. I knew what that was.l and what company manufactured them. he was from yavin IV, I knew where that was and what it looked like. finn was a stormtrooper, yes, but the empire had not stolen children to be raised as stormtroopers. they were recruited like any other position. his story wasn't real to me, it wasn't something I could easily accept. and the idea that the new republic just LET the first order rise? leia's new republic would NEVER. but leia wasn't chief of state in this universe. leia hadn't had that power.

I read a lot of articles about the force awakens and the reactions to it, and never saw myself in any of them. the star wars fanboys whom I'd never known were painted as being angry because their fan knowledge was useless and "boo-hoo poor widdle fanboys" they would be mocked, rightfully. but that's why I was angry, ultimately. everyone I knew and loved was dead. worse, they'd never existed. "what do you think will happen?" some unsuspecting coworker would ask. I'd shrug, but inside I was yelling "who the fuck knows! my favorite characters don't exist anymore. nothing I know as this person you know as SKYWALKER means anything anymore."

it only got worse from there. One day I spent four hours figuring out how far the casino planet was from the drifting ships in the last jedi and doing math to figure out how long it would REALLY take to get there, using old canon star wars physics. I couldn't suspend my disbelief during that movie. everything was wrong. (the other space physics quibble I had was from TFA when poe is using comms while in hyperspace, and dropping out on a command and not... when nav told him to?? you'd fly right through a star!! were they HOVERING in hyperspace? none of it made sense.) I knew too much and too little to enjoy it.

TROS was a narrative mess already retconning new canon and I decided that I would only keep what I liked about the new canon (poe and his family) and pretend the old canon is all there is. one day I'll write the story of poe being part of the storied rogue squadron being sent by leia's new republic to put down the fascist upstarts at the edge of the unknown regions. one day.

one more quick story -- i met my college friend’s three kids for the first time when the oldest was 6. i’d sent a toy lightsaber as a gift when he was born, because i believe every child should get their first lightsaber from a skywalker, and his father had shown him the movies when he turned 4. when i walked into the house i said hello and he said, “i have some questions about star wars.”

we sat on the couch with the tfa visual dictionary, a book he’d gotten out of the library. every question he had was an excellent question, and i couldn’t answer any of them. “why does his lightsaber look like that? and why does he have the extra blades?” 

“well, kiddo, let’s see what it says here about how lightsabers are made. i used to know all about it, but they changed everything on me.”

---

what i love about star wars since disney bought it:

poe dameron, cassian andor (and all of rogue one, i got over the fact that the movie wouldn’t be about rogue squadron it was PERFECT), solo (a fucking DELIGHT), the mandalorian, and i’m sure the cassian andor live action will be amazing and i’ll love it. 

#star wars #fandom thoughts #i've just spent SO MUCH of my life being a star wars fan #and being perfectly happy to describe myself as such #edit i tried a read more but it didn't work so sorrryyyyyyyy

[kateot]

I talk about Heavy Work activities with my parents and teachers A LOT! This article really explains the neuroscience behind it! This last week I was involved in a therapy session for a six year old boy who had been diagnosed with ADHD and sensory seeking behaviour. ASD as well as severe intellectual impairment were also labels that had been mentioned in his file. I tried to educate the mom as much as possible about “ heavy work activities ” and incorporating them into their daily lives- even including chewy, crunchy snacks into his diet. This little guy was engaged in a number of such activities in the Ot department whilst we were interviewing mom: running and jumping up and down long, inclined corridors, using the upper limb machine, playing whizz ball, propelling himself in a wheelchair, pushing adult patients in their wheelchairs, using a medical “trolley” as a scooter board, playing with highly resistant putty with small goodies hidden inside..and more. One of the Ot students asked me- “ Is your goal just to wear him out?” Well, the answer is that whilst it looks like I was wearing him out, actually I was trying to regulate and calm his nervous system. His sensory bucket for proprioceptive (heavy work) and vestibular input is VERY LARGE!! He needs a LOT more of this input in order to reach a calm, “ready to learn” state. By the end of all these activities, he was able to sit with his mom and the OTT and play in a calm and meaningful way for about 10-20 minutes with some picture cards and started to express himself a lot better. At this point we were able to screen some of his basic concepts and he definitely did not fit the “ severely intellectually impaired” label. So this article really helped to cement my thinking and rationale for using the Sensory Integration (Ayres) approach and it is so incredible to realise that we are actually influencing change on a nervous system level! 

Another resource I have found incredibly helpful in dealing with sensory kiddies and their parents is: 

#Raising Happy Children. The key to a calm composed child. By Lizanne du Plessis #lizanneduplessis.com