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faerielleart · 3 years

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GIRL GGFJFJVGDJD OK UMMM let me see... what do you like about levihan? or do you have any unpopular opinions? or headcanons!

oh boi i hope i won’t rant too much, i don’t want this answer to be a thousand miles long i don’t want to seem boring-

OKAY let’s start

What i like about levihan: i have to start with a lil background a say that levihan is my longest ship i’ve ever had, it’s the only one who survived time and the only ship i have never stopped shipping/lost interest into, which is kinda rare for me since i switch interests a lot and go through hyper-fixations, so i tend to lose interest quickly in something once i’ve found something else to pay attention to

this, however has never happened with levihan: started shipping them when i was 12, still trash 7 years later skdjdjfjf i didnt start shipping them for special reasons tho, at the time aot was my first ever still on air anime and i was completel new to the community, plus i didnt really speak english well and the first episodes i watched confused me A LOT. However, amidst all that confusion and trying to remember names and plot points, episode 9 came, i got introduced to this character who apparently is named levi, the first information the scene gives the watcher is “this guy is a grump” based on his reaction to the crowd, the second information the scene gives to the watcher is “this person next to him, despite him being a grump, isn’t afraid to tease the shit out of him and we still don’t even know their name” which i found ??? Cool??? I immediately paid attention to this lil dynamic, then the next scene was the hairgrab scene and,,,,,, yeah my 12 year old braincells went into overdrive and i was completely sold

i just needed them to interact once and BOOM

but OBJECTIVELY i still find extremely telling, years later, how these were the first informations of these characters. In a narrative, character’s introduction is absolutely crucial to the story, you can understand millions of things just by the way a character is presented and says their first lines and honestly choosing to introduce levi and hanji together was imho very, very telling of what role they’d play in the story/what role they play in each other’s lives.

isn’t it strange that the very first infirmation we get of these two is that the grumpy one is okay with this person teasing him? that means there’s gotta be a level of familiarity among them, right? and the hairgrab? requested by isayama himself? in the official book of season one it also says that the scene was added to “show their relationship”??? i mean 2+2 is 4 where i’m from 👁👄👁✨

so yeah my dumb 12 year old brain had FORESIGHT apparently-

as i picked up the manga and read through the uprising (and got older and my english got better) i noticed more and more things about them and i just really freaking fell in love with their relationship okay it wasn’t “oh cool grumpy and sunshine who teases him”, more like “holy fuck grumpy has a sad backstory, seems unapproachable but is the kindest person ever, just wants to be a hero and save everyone, has the most tender heart, sunshine is a multi dimensional character who has fears and doubts and they work so well together despite being polar opposites but at the same time their oppositeness results in somehow them being completely in sync with each other and almost thinking with the same brain as if they were one person split in half”.

since they’re grown adults and they’re so close, their relationship has something that i always seek and almost never find in other ships, which is emotional maturity. You never see them purposely tearing each other down just to hurt the other, they work out their problems and C O M M U N I C A T E ✨ they don’t act childishly around each other, they tease and bicker but it’s completely different than full blown arguments where both parts disrespect the other just to prove their point. They are willing to listen to what the other has to say and their judgment is precious and welcomed, since the basis of their relationship is complete trust. levi is rough with words, but he means something else entirely despite what he conveys, as seen during the aftermath of eren’s first hardening experiments, and hanji totally understands what he wants to say, which is why they never reprimand him or take offense to what he says.

what i’m trying to say, i believe in a way that nothing is half-assed about how they were written in the story as a pair, despite how i disagree with certain narrative choices *ahem*; as much as i would have wanted them to have more screentime and more interactions, i believe it wouldn’t have been “in character”, lemme explain because i realize it sounds weird and my wording probably doesn’t help: their relationship is subtle and as such it should remain subtle and in the subtext, simply because it is none of our business as readers. Show, not tell, but show in a way that it is evident only if you pay attention. levi is blunt when he speaks, but at the same time his words have another meaning than what he conveys and his actions are subtle.

isn’t it obvious with how often it was remarked that the only person who is able to understand levi completely is hanji? and this is where chapter 132 comes into play with this amazing analysis post that i’m sure we all read a thousand times and screamed over it

all this “ambiguity”, all this subtlety, all this subtext, all this wordplay, words that have more than one meaning, i believe are all indicators of one thing: us readers are not able to understand comple what levi wants to say and his words result ambiguous to us and not 100% clear, simply because the readers are not hanji. but fortunately, i believe that hanji understood that levi too wants to “stay in the forest”. this is not the reaction of someone who is confused by a sentence, this is the face of someone who finally had a realization:

what kind of realization? it’s not up to us to know (tho we know *wink wink*), because we’re not hanji and we can’t understand what levi says.

plus, 心臓を捧げよ, “dedicate your heart”, can hold a million different meanings. 心臓 is heart, を is a particle that denotes the object, 捧げよ is the verb “to offer, dedicate, devote, sacrifice”, there are no adjectives that indicate possession as you can see; levi using his own left (not right) fist and placing it on hanji’s chest instead of just taking hanji’s hand and placing it on their chest is ambiguous too. i interpet it in different ways but the conclusion is one, and i can’t honestly see it in any other way. one of the interpretations i like the most is that levi is implying that they both share the same heart, which is why he used his own left hand, meaning that both of them are dedicating their hearts in that moment to humanity, because they are actively choosing to put their desires aside to live a peaceful life away from everything (as jean too has wished in chapter 127, as hanji has expressed in 126 but in 127 too and jean seems taken aback by their confession) since they’re soldiers and duty comes first.

so yeah if i have to choose something i love the most about levihan, it’s gotta be the subtlety and the ambiguity that at the end of the day, is absolutely not ambiguous at all. everything is expressed for a reason, if an author actively chooses ambiguity, in this specific case of a relationship, he intends the result not to be ambiguous. it sounds like a brain fart but i blame it on my inability to articulate my thoughts well, i hope what i want to say can be understood 😭 and in a way, this can be considered as an unpopular opinion i think?

meaning that i get that commonly someone might want an explicit declaration that leaves no room to doubt and I honestly wish for it too, but I don’t think it would be in character, and the ambiguity (if we can call it that, i’m calling it that just to avoid backlash and controversy jshfsjdjmd) in this case speaks enough volumes to me considering both of the characters we’re dealing with, the story as a whole, the interactions with other characters.

ALSO going back to their bond, i want to copypaste something i posted on twitter regarding chapter 126 and the blush: it doesn't make sense, character-wise, for Hanji to feel in any way embarassed around Levi. They have no filters whatsoever around each other. They are close, closer than anyone in the series, the author hasn't shown any embarassment between them. Back in Uprising, when Hanji was hesitant and wanted out, Levi was the one who encouraged them. So, this thing has in a way already happened, since back then they admitted to wanting to abandon responsibilities to Levi's face and didn't blush. So, in 126's context, it doesn't really make sense for Hanji to blush "only because they were embarassed at being caught wanting to run away". It happened once already and there was no blush. So yeah, the blush means something else. And that something else is definitely much, much, MUCH deeper than "embarassment". 🙌

since smartpass stories can absolutely be taken as part of the canon universe as they’re supervised and approved by isayama and published with the manga, i am adding the rain story as further proof of what kind of relationship they have. also levi being a 30 year old tsundere is adorable but movING ON

SO YEAH MY FINAL TWO CENTS ARE : i love everything about levihan and there isn’t a single thing i would change, because wanting aot to be a huge slice of life of them doing the most random things just to watch them interact doesnt count sjdjfjdjdjfjsmdm, my unpopular opinion is that i find the subtlety and the ambiguity KEY to doing justice to what they have because it’s none of us readers’ business because only they are able to understand each other and i fucking LOVE that, my headcanon is that they totally kissed once during the timeskip, maybe on the first anniversary of the battle of shiganshina, i see them not being able to sleep alone and finding comfort in each other and in a moment of weakness and vulnerability they kiss, but pretend it never happened because things are messy and they can’t afford to get involved because again, duty first, but the YEARNING™️ and the PINING™️ only intensifies after that, but they manage not to make things awkward and they are close as ever.

my GOD i rewrote the odyssey, sorry 😭

#levihan #answered asks

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wintersxsoul · 5 years

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The Night We Danced

Summary: Two dorks in love that have to wait to get drunk to confess their feelings.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Maybe some language, drunk people and I think mentions of sex??

A/N: This is my entry for my dearest @writingsoftheloser 1k historical writing challenge! I got the Victorian Era, so I came up with this longass nonsense. I hope you enjoy and as always, feedback and reblogs are free and make me really happy and motivated <3

Bucky Barnes was a dancer.

He sometimes had flashes of his old life in the late 30’s and 40’s, long summer nights dancing with beautiful dames, little Stevie by his side laughing and stepping in the ladies’ shoes. Everything was much more simpler, happier, but war happened and the dances turned into battles, the warm hands that he was used to hold became rifles and glocks. The jazzy tunes turned into gunfire, dates turned into risky missions and the thought of a long happy life turned into dust when he fell off that train.

Bucky Barnes stopped being a dancer to be a soldier, a spy, a deadly assassin.

They had taken all he was away, all his memories, his hopes and dreams. Everything was wiped but not his motor skills or knowledge. They turned him into the most efficient soldier, cold and calculating, his only motive in life was completing his missions. He had killed mercilessly, not questioning even once who was in front of the gun, he just knew he had to pull the trigger.

Everything changed the moment Steve Rogers, his best friend since childhood, found him 70 years after being used and tortured. Steve saved him from the claws of Hydra and gave him the opportunity to gain back his own self, to finally give his life meaning again.

His life changed drastically when he joined the Avengers, he could use his unrequired skills to help people, to save lives. He had his closest friends, Steve of course, Sam, Nat and then he met you. Once he was able to recover almost all his memories, he had a long heartfelt conversation with Natasha since she had suffered in similar ways. The brainwashing, the body killing training, the horrors of the Cold War and the cruelty of the Red Room.

You and Nat were inseparable, both becoming SHIELD agents the same year. You were a freelance hitwoman, both of your missions were to kill the same target. But before you could kill each other, SHIELD stepped in and rescued both of you, seeing your potential and the ability to do the missions other agents weren’t able to. When Bucky first came to the compound, you were away because your last mission went badly and it almost killed you, so Fury and Steve decided it was better for you to lay low for a while. Months went by and Bucky’s curiosity only grew, he really wanted to meet you, since everyone talked about you like you were an angel. When the time came to finally meet you, everything he ever heard about you was not nearly accurate to him. You were as much of a mystery as Nat, but unlike her, you opened up to him fastly, trusting him blindly. You both held each other on your worst nights and were also there for the other when you needed a good laugh.

You could have never imagined that the infamous Winter Soldier could be such an absolute dork with such a pure heart and soul. At first he was a bit sulky and moody, he was like a ghost around the compound, but months of therapy and help from his friends turned him into the man he was today, the man you loved deeply, even though you lied to yourself trying to make it seem like a platonic feeling. For years you remained as best friends, until the masquerade ball Tony organized for Natasha’s birthday.

“So, what are your plans for the party?” You asked Bucky nonchalantly while you looked for costume designers online. He looked up from his book and shrugged, he really didn’t know what you meant but he knew you would elaborate. You closed your laptop and placed it on your nightstand, all your attention on your friend now. You laid across the bed, resting your head on his lap. You were staring at the ceiling so you totally missed Bucky’s adoring gaze.

“Well, apart from getting hammered with Thor’s Asgardian alcohol, I don’t really know.” You rolled your eyes internally at his comment. You laid on your stomach so you could face him, your chin resting on your hands on top of his chest.

“Obviously you are doing that, but it’s not what I meant.” Bucky chuckled and you rolled your eyes. You weren’t sure about asking him to be your partner, maybe he was planning on going with someone else, maybe he wanted to go on his own. You cleared your throat while reaching out to fiddle with the laces of his hoodie nervously.

“Are you going with someone?” He frowned, realizing that you didn’t assume (like he did) that you were going together. Maybe you were planning to go with a date? He knew it had been more than a year since you had dated someone so maybe you wanted to use the party as an excuse to do so?

“What you mean with someone? I d-”

“You should ask Sarah from Forensics, I’ve heard she has a huge crush on you. She’s sooo soft and pretty. I have her number if you wa-”

“Okay, Y/n stop right there. I am not going with Sarah or with anyone else but you.” His eyes widened at his own boldness but he quickly found a logical explanation.

“I mean, we always go together to this kind of shitty parties we both dread. But if you are going with someone else is fine.”

“Yeah, yeah I just thought that maybe you wanted to go with an actual date and not your best friend.” He tousled your hair and you whined jokingly. He mumbled “dork” and you stuck your tongue out.

“My best friend is pretty cool and when she gets drunk the party starts, so I am not missing that for Sarah from Forensics.”

“Oh god James, and I am the dork? You absolute dumbass.” You shook your head in amusement and sat on the bed, putting your disheveled hair in a low ponytail. You slapped him lightly on the right shoulder and got down of the bed, gathering your stuff.

“I can’t stand to see that beautiful stupid face right now, I have to look for a fucking dress. You better wear something in dark red cause, you know it-”

“it’s my color” he mocked you using a high pitched tone of voice and laughed at the face of disgust you jokingly pulled off.

“Fuck you.”

“Why don’t you f-” His sentence was cut off by the bang of his door closing but you already knew what he said. You rolled your eyes and made your way to Nat’s room since you needed to organize shopping days and all that stuff.

Bucky Barnes was a dancer and fortunately he still had some moves, but waltzing was out of his league. He knew what a masquerade was of course, so the fact that he had to learn how to dance a completely different style was...frightening to say the least. He talked about it with Steve so they both were headed now to a masterclass while their dates were out shopping. Nat had asked Steve as her date because she wanted to go with his best friend. Their friendship was the most platonic you’ve ever seen and watching them flirt and banter was the highlight of your days. Nat was a fantastic dancer of course, she used to be a fucking ballerina, so she offered to teach you some moves. She was the only one who actually knew your feelings towards Bucky because you had confessed them one night you had drank your weight in vodka and when you saw Bucky’s text asking you to please be careful, you laughed and told her. You didn’t remember that conversation and when Natasha tried to ask you, she realized she shouldn’t bring up the topic until you were ready to believe it yourself.

“Ooof Nat, should I really buy this expensive dress?” You asked her while checking yourself out in the mirror. The dress was absolutely stunning, made of a dark red taffeta or a similar material, short sleeved and a beautiful v-neck, not very revealing but enough to make your babies pop. The bodice hugged your curves and the skirt was puffy.

“Listen, Stark is paying for everything, that includes our dresses. So yes, you are going to buy it.” She stood up and lead you back to the changing room so she could purchase both of your dresses.

Steve sighed heavily at Bucky’s complaints. They’d been dancing for four hours straight and they weren’t getting any better, or at least that’s what they thought. Bucky really couldn’t believe he had been dragged into this mess just because he loved getting drunk with you under any circumstances.

“Come on Buck, don’t worry. You two will probably be too drunk to even stand, why bother so much in learning this shit?” Bucky rolled his eyes and nudged his friend on the shoulder.

“Listen pal, I wanna do this right. You know how much I love dancing so this is just an excuse to learn something new.” He could almost believe his own lie, but Steve knew better. He knew Bucky better than himself, so he obviously knew the unspoken thing that was going on between two of his best friends.

“Okay buddy, whatever you say. I just hope Y/n appreciates all this instead of laughing at you like Sam and Nat are probably going to do.” He muttered something to himself and left the room without saying a word.

“Fucking idiots, I hope they fuck soon.” Steve said to himself before turning around and smiling at the dance teacher.

“Let’s do this Janet, I have a very dangerous woman to impress tonight.”

“I really, really, really, really regret the day I gave you access to come into my room whenever you want to.” You told Bucky, who was laying on your bed on his stomach, his face buried in the pillows. You slumped next to him and buried your face in the pillows as well. You really thought you looked like idiots but you couldn’t care less.

“Can we stay here? We can watch one of those victorian romantic movies you love and get wasted on our own.”

“You know I would love to, but Nat would kill us. Besides, you hate those movies.”

“I was just trying to persuade you Barnes, you don’t need to be so rude.” You stood up and opened your first drawer, pulling out the two masks you had bought throwing Bucky’s to his head and he responded with a fake “ouch”. He sat on the bed and looked at you amused, the small mask in his hands.

“And you have the nerve to call me rude. I already have my mask and I won’t show it to you until tonight.”

“Wow, sorry for thinking about you and your shitty memory, old man.”

“You know what Y/n? I’ll see you tonight before I throw myself out of that balcony.” You giggled at his fake tantrum. You really loved your friendship with Bucky, because even though you were always joking around each other, you had your backs. He was always there and so were you.

“You want me to walk you to your room?” He frowned at you but his eyes widened when he realized what you were about to say, but you said it before he could cut you off. “In case you don’t remember where your room is at.”

“That was one time Y/n, please let it go.”

“Never.” And with that said, he left. You giggled remembering the first night you two got drunk together. It was the first time Bucky had tried Thor’s alcohol so he was excited to finally get drunk after all those decades. He drank by himself almost three flasks and encouraged you to drink a bottle of vodka on your own, so at 6 am, you were stumbling through your room floor because Bucky had forgotten where his own room was, so he wanted to sleep at yours.

You took a last look at yourself in your mirror and placed the mask in its place. It was a shame that Bucky had decided not to wear the mask you’d bought for him, but his taste was pretty great so you knew it was going to be amazing.

When you reached the party the place was already full of people. Everyone was dancing to the slow melodies or drinking at the bar. You noticed that Tony had removed all the furniture from the room so it looked like a grand dance hall, the usual modern lamps he owned were replaced by huge golden crystal chandeliers, the windows were covered by thick curtains that looked like the ones European palaces had. The cream and golden tones of all the decoration gave a really regal look to the party, the soft glow of the candles in the bar and the sound of champagne glasses relaxed your senses.

You fixed your long silk gloves and sighed, moving through the crowd towards the bar, where Nat stood chatting with who you assumed it was Steve, Sam was behind the counter pouring alcohol to his half empty glass.

“You mind filling this lady’s glass?” Sam smirked and you winked at him. He raised his eyebrow under his cream and red mask and he took out a tall glass.

“What would the lady like to drink?” He rested both of his palms in the counter, looking at you with an amused look in his eyes.

“Vodka on the rocks, s'il vous plait.” You heard Nat choke on her drink and Steve turned to look at you while Sam just poured your drink, a smile playing on his lips.

“Aren’t we starting a bit early, Y/n? Your date is not even here.” You shrugged at Sam’s comment and took the glass when he handed it.

“Since you all seemed so surprised with my drinking choices, I’m going. I need an unjudging friend right now.” You waved your hand gracefully and moved towards the centre, trying to find Bucky. After five minutes and an empty glass, you saw his bulking figure talking to some woman. You needed a moment to gather your thoughts because he looked absolutely sinful with the outfit he was wearing. The black pants marked all his muscles, specially his thighs, those fucking thighs that drove you insane and his ass...you shook your head trying to stop your mind. You needed another drink.

“Wow look who’s back and empty handed!” Steve said to the small group. You nudged him in the ribs and asked Sam for another glass of alcohol.

“Why are you this flustered Y/n?” Nat asked you when she noticed your flushed cheeks. You fixed your mask trying to hide your nervousness and failing miserably.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” Your three friends shared a knowing look and you rolled your eyes, finishing your drink in two sips and encouraged by the burning liquid, you went to where Bucky was. You could now see his whole outfit perfectly and your heart swelled. He was wearing a black ruffled shirt with a black and dark red embroidered vest and a black tail coat. His face was covered by a simple half Venetian mask, decorated with the same colors as the outfit’s. He was chatting with some agent you couldn’t recognize and you felt a pang of jealousy at how he was looking at her, smiling and touching her. At that moment you realized the alcohol was kicking in and that’s why you were having those stupid thoughts. You approached your friend and placed your gloved hand to his shoulder, indicating him that you were besides him and waiting for him to pay attention to you. You catched a part of the conversation and they were talking about one of the last missions the undercover agents did, so after a court nod from Bucky and a brief goodbye from her, his eyes were on you.

“Well, look at you!” He smiled at you warmly and you felt something flip inside you. “How did you recognize me?”

“Oh boy, you can mask that face all you want but you can’t mask those thighs.” You smirked and he started laughing at your comment, making you feel proud of your wittiness.

“How drunk are you already?” You brought your hand up between your bodies and pressed your thumb and index together whispering “a little” so only he could hear it.

“Lucky for you, I drank almost a flask, so that makes us dangerous already. Wanna dance?” He extended his hand and you took it accepting his invitation. You suddenly felt really nervous since it was the first time you were going to slow dance with him but unbeknown to you, Bucky Barnes felt sick due to his nerves. He wanted this to work, he wanted to show you and the world that he was still capable of being a soft person, not this cold calculative soldier with a dark past.

The feeling of his hand on your waist and your other hands intertwined was intoxicating you, your bodies pressed together, the only thing between you two were your clothes. You spinned around the room for what felt like eternity, time for you had stopped and everyone had disappeared.

You burst the small bubble you were both in saying you needed a drink, Bucky stopped swaying you and with your hands still intertwined, went to the empty bar.

“I’ve always loved the Victorian Era, you know?” He said while giving you a glass full of vodka, and took a sip of his flask. “The clothes, the courting, the chivalry and all that fuss.” He smiled sadly at you thinking that you wouldn’t notice.

“If you could, would you go back in time and stay?”

He took another sip, now longer, and shook his head. “Of course not, you wouldn’t be there.” He blurted out without thinking and you just giggled at the comment.

“Oh Barnes, don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure you would make good friends there as well.” You gave him a sincere smile and he shook his head again, taking another sip of the flask, this time a long one. You looked down at your glass and twirled the straw, looking at how the ice cubes collided with each other.

“I love you.” You jerked your head up and maybe it was the alcohol clouding your mind or the denial of your own feelings, but you didn’t notice his intense gaze, filled with love and adoration.

“And I love you too, you idiot. As my best friend, you should know that already.” You placed your lips around the straw and finished the whole drink, Bucky still looking at you shocked that you rejected his feelings without you noticing.

“No, Y/n, what I mean is that I’m-”

“You are what, Barnes?” Nat cut Bucky off and you threw yourself into her arms, kissing her face and wishing her a happy birthday. “I missed you, Nat. Where were you?” You started talking to her totally ignoring your friend, who got that as his cue to leave the party. He would never blame you for not feeling the same or not even noticing his feelings, that was totally on him, but he didn’t feel well enough to stay in the party. He knew you wanted him there, to get drunk together and then both of you ending up throwing up in the sink and the toilet, but tonight he needed to breathe, he needed to get out of the crowd.

“Hey, where is going Bucky?” Asked Steve while he approached Nat and you. You frowned and looked at the entrance, catching a glimpse of Bucky’s broad shoulders and hair leaving the party. “I’ll be back in a sec.” You said and stumbled down the bar stool, heading towards the entrance half running.

“We both know they are not coming back, right?” Steve said to Nat, a strong nod and a sigh answered his comment.

You ran as fast as your drunken state let you but before you could notice you slipped with the dress and fell.

“FUCK” You screamed to the empty hall and took off your heels and gloves, standing up trying not to fall again on your ass. Bucky was nowhere to be seen so you headed to his room, your head spinning due to the alcohol.

“What are you doing here?” Bucky startled you, making you lose balance but he caught you before you could fall again.

“I was just checking that you got to your room safely, since you know, you get lost and all that.” You laughed at his fake hurt expression and straightened your clothes. You noticed that he had taken off his mask and that you were still wearing yours. “Why did you leave?”

“I’m feeling a bit sick, I think I drank too mu-”

“James, if you don’t tell me what the fuck is wrong I’ll torture you until you do. The drinking excuse is the worst you could’ve used with me.”

Bucky sighed defeated, he knew he had to get it off his chest, after three years carrying this on his own, he needed to let the words out, he needed you to know. He reached for the laces of your mask and took it off, placing a strand of hair behind your ear and cupping your cheek.

“I love you, Y/n.” You rolled your eyes in fake annoyance just to mess up with him.

“Baby, we already established that I lov-”

“Y/n, you are not listening. I am in love with you. I want to be your best friend, your lover, your partner in crime and your drunk buddy.”

You stared at him wide eyed, not knowing what to answer or to do. He caressed your cheek with his thumb and you gasped at the feeling, making Bucky think that you were rejecting the act. You stopped him from moving his hand and he leaned in, his lips brushing yours lightly.

“Either you kiss me or I faint, so make a m-” And just like that, his lips crashed against yours with a passion and hunger you’ve never felt in your entire life. He pressed you against the door, the stupid huge dress stopping you from feeling anything. Your brain finally woke up and you realized what was going on. Bucky Barnes loved you, he was in love with you. And you were in love with him. You pulled away and stopped him, making him step backwards scared that he did something you didn’t want to.

“You love me?” You really asked him, thinking that maybe your brain was betraying you. He nodded and looked away, not wanting to see the rejection in your eyes.

“Hey coward, look at me.” You held his chin and forced him to look at you. “I love you too, always have. I was just too damn scared to admit it to even myself.” He smiled and kissed you again, this time slower, pouring every ounce of love he had for you in the kiss.

“What now?” He asked you once he pulled away to breathe. He had his hand on the back of your neck, caressing your skin with his thumb.

“As much as I’d love you to fuck me against every surface on that room, I am drunk and tired and I need to process everything.” He nodded and waited for you to come up with what you wanted to do next. “So you are going to take this dress off me carefully cause I can’t do it on my own and it’s expensive as fuck, you are going to give me one for your shirts and we are sleeping, together.” He nodded again and smiled, leaning in again to give your lips a small peck.

“Consider it done, asshole.”

#vi1khistoricalchallenge #Bucky Barnes #james barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fluff #the winter soldier #mutual pining #friends to lovers #best friends to lovers #avengers #the avengers #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n

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insidiousflame · 7 years

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My Spirituality

So I consider myself to be a very open-minded person when it comes to spirituality. I didn’t always used to be because I grew up christian. And as a result, I was taught to believe in that religion absolutley 100% with no grey areas in between. But of course as a person grows older, they start to question things and branch off into other ways of thinking and morals. For example, I used to be very against gay marriage because I was ignorant, and only knew the bible said it was wrong. But as my knowledge matured about the world and my own faith, I realized how out-dated that way of thinking was. My personal experiences and relationship with God, gave me an abundance of love and wisdom about life. And I had to decipher within my self what to believe, versus what other PEOPLE told me to believe. Along with of course, the many inconsistencies within the text of the bible itself, whole big conundrum i wont get into. It was a tremendous struggle because i always just trusted what other people, especially my parents, told me was right or wrong and that was it. So instead of just going along with a written text, i focused more on what felt right with me and my own heart. And let me tell you it feels so much better. So i still do consider myself a christian today. But theres some magical, controversial bits in between that I’m about to shed light on now. I have a big interest in the supernatural. Like, not just with the knowledge about angels and demons, but things from the common mythical creatures to straight up chakra and psychic and witchy aspects of it. Magic basically. I have always, from the ripe young age of an elementary schooler, been curious about witchcraft and things associated. The only reason i was introduced to it at such a young age was because I had a friend way back then who was apparently a witch. All I remember was her having this book on witchcraft and wanting to do some spells with me. And i was like “oh that sounds cool!” But somewhere in the mix the parents found out and i pretty much wasnt able to hang around her much anymore. And that was the end of that until a bit later. I wanna say I started learning more about that magical stuff again in highschool. I would end up watching supernatural shows on youtube or researching stuff about tarot cards and crystals etc and I was just so drawn to it. And I again, came into contact with a friend who practiced all that cool stuff and he opened me back up to it with his own tarot which he actually let me borrow at one point. And oh boy was I excited. This stuff...was crazy. It felt like my soul was just passionate with this curious fire. Now there was also this side of me who felt like i was doing something bad because of what I was raised to believe. Basically, if it aint of God, its of the devil. And the devil was gonna try and suck me into this evil stuff. And although i had this excitement, I had a feeling, as I kept working with the cards over and over, that they were telling me to stay away from them. The cards were telling me. Or whatever divine influence around me was. I mean, my parents found out about them eventually and of course gave me the whole “its demonic” schpeal. But i got my own warning signs i started to notice. And this will probably sound really crazy. But honestly....all this stuff is crazy. But still happened mind you. See, the tarot cards consist of what is called Major Arcana, which is your well known cards like “The Devil, The Wheel of Fortune, High Priestess” titles like that. And the Minor Arcana, which contain the suits, “Swords, wands, pentacles, cups” listed Ace through King with numbers of course in between. I kept drawing, The Devil. I kept drawing cards with the number 6 on it. So Immedietley I had the thought of, “Okay. Something is telling me I shouldnt be using these.” So I eventually gave them back to the friend and didnt mess with them again until much later. But of course my curiousity didnt end there. Bitch please. To speed things along, I ended up buying and destroying a couple of decks until I finally reached a spiritual point where I understood the responsibility that was needed to use them. Through those years I spent a loooot of time researching about witch craft, wicca, paganism and all the metaphysical and divination practices of the like. I researched about what the bible said about them and also the concrete history of witchery and the differences of the different terms associated with them. And then I discovered.....holy shit. This shit isn’t this big bad evil that everyone makes it out to be. It’s actually.....very beautiful and artistic and expressive. And I think the mystery and aesthetic and magical aspects of those things is what really drew me in in the first place. Now don’t get me wrong, magic can MOST CERTAINLY be used for evil. It can most certainly hurt you and others whether you believe in it or not. And I think that’s why my spiritual guides, or whatever was happening back then, steered me away from it. Because I wasn’t mature enough to know how to use those tools safely and without getting carried away. Because now i have absolutley no problem using these tools for guidance. Cause I dont abuse them. Because these beautiful practices resonated so much with me, i started to want to incorporate them more in my life in now a more respectful and wise manner. And it was really, enriching for my soul and my view on life. It brought me so much happiness and appreciation for the mystery life has. And I’ve been able to find a comfortable balance with my beliefs. And here is where I’m at today. I am still a believer in the christian God. But I also enjoy incorporating symbolic and ritualistic crafts from the magical culture into my worship. So in other words, i could put myself in the category into an eclectic witch. Eclectic Witches create their own personal practices and belief or religious systems by re-creating or borrowing knowledge and practices from other beliefs, practices, etc. So they basically see something they like about another’s belief or practice and say “oh i like that, that feels right with me, im going to incorporate that into my spirituality as well.” Which is what im doing. lol Theres a LOT that needs explaining with that because it is so easy for people to get confused and assume things which is why this topic is so difficult to talk about because it goes back into all that history and research. I had to make a whole educational documentation for my parents so they could understand why i like these things, why they arent as evil as they believe and so on. It is very frustrating when you feel like you need to justify yourself to others about what you believe. And i think my experience with spirituality has really opened me up to other’s beliefs and being a whole lot more less judgmental and more accepting and loving of people in general. So in essence, all I’m doing, is a new form of ritual. When I use my cards, i am specific to say I only wish for the guidance from God and his Angels. And everything that he wishes me to know, will be by his will only with no interference of another force or entity. I always make sure to protect myself from the negative energies. I rarely do spells nowadays, but when I do, it is only of a means of feeling like I am doing more than just....talking about it. It makes me feel a little more in control and I again, make sure my intentions are clear with what energies I am working with and I mean no disrespect to God in the works I do and it is only for creative expression and ritual dedicated to him and no one else. And that feels right with me. I didn’t go into much, but crystal healing is another thing I love, although I dont believe in 100% because I’m just always keeping an open mind and completley understand a skeptic’s point of view. But nonetheless I have had my own share of positive experiences with it and do still enjoy working with them from time to time. That’s about all I’ll go into. And just for your convenience, I will actually link the documents of some of the basic research and explanation on my practices and beliefs in the description if youre curious. The actual couple of fun pages I gave to my parents so hopefully i dont have to explain myself further. lol I would love to touch up on some more spiritual/paranormal stuff at later dates. Have a beautiful day. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cB0avtCEEyoA_-CZKh5OWCz56qXVqoSJu6MLsZtAYIo/edit

#christian witch #witch #witchcraft #spiritual #tarot #crystal

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acemagalona · 7 years

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Holiday Nightmare

Hey! I have a story to tell. Not sure if interesting, you may read on. Every year, I travel. And this year must be the craziest, literally. This time, the learnings have been so obvious, quite memorable and for some reason, i felt proud that i made it through. So after last year’s, I was so sure to see Schengen next. It’s going to be a big journey, i told myself. And yes it’s true. I have wished that it’s as easy as getting a jeepney and stop whenever and wherever i want and wander. Getting my travel document and planning from day 1 to day - I aint even sure how long should i spend - pulled my hair out. Research and finally booking, ugh, not easy. My mind said, it should be worth it, the sacrifice always comes first. Cool, I made it, first stop Paris. The Eiffel, just wow. Spent four days and left for Brussels. When it’s time to leave, I didn’t know that my journey would turn into a sort of nightmare.

A few minutes before I boarded to my bus, I got hungry. The past days I was buying with my coins as I got lots of them, and also so it wouldn’t heavy my purse. I was checking outside to find food and then i bumped into this bakeshop. So spent time looking and was talking to the guy about the pastries. So picked that, and when i checked my cash to pay, they were not there. I have a small plastic ziplock that has all my cards and my paper bills in it. That’s not there. I immediately checked all my pockets and my day bag, I didn’t see it there. I was starting to panic for I only know it’s there, in my small bag that i put in front of me all the time. All my money, all my bank cards, gone. I rushed to find a pavement to open my suitcase to have a thorough look, though at the back of my mind I know it will not be there. I didnt have any choice, I was creating a mess on the street and people are passing by. The clock is ticking, the bus will leave in a few minutes. I was starting to feel the pain in my head, I didnt know what to do. Do I jump in the bus, or do i go ask for help from the police or whoever. I took time to breathe. I know nothing can be done. The bus fortunately have a wifi. I checked my card transaction, there were usages made in Paris that day, I was in Brussels. The driver was calling me, it was hard to move having these crazy thoughts in my head. I zipped my luggage and decided to get inside the bus. I remained calm. I used the time to call my banks. But it has become more frustrating. Their automated service, I was asked to press numbers for lost/stolen cards, the prompt said it was not identified. I had to redial over and over but not accomplishing anything. It was maybe over 20 calls I made and still nothing. I was starting to lose my patience. Messaged my friend and asked to dial for me and have me conferenced in. It was the most frustrating moment of my life. I have to go through each IVR option just to get a person to block my card. For some reason, I finally got one. I was also unlucky to get not the best representative to help a customer in an emergency. That day was shit. Hours after, I arrived at Luxembourg. I was starting to get weak but I had walk straight to find the nearest police station. Fortunately, it was just across the street. I rang the bell and told them what happened, less than an hour after, they arrived and took my statement. I was asked to wait as they make a report. It was starting to get cold and I have wanted a hot coffee. I checked what’s in my pocket, there were only roughly 3 euros. I asked if I could leave for a while and find a supermarket. I was able to find a packed waffle for less than 2 euros and went back. I have refilled my water bottle inside the police station when i asked to use the toilet. I was finally, at least, sort of, settled. The following days were pain. I was on the phone with my banks for over a week to help me send a temporary card. I have to spend hours and hours to deal with them and with some representatives that do not even care. In short I have wasted my time for in the end, there was no help at all. My insurance has lead me on with the possibility of getting a loan. I can still remember begging the police to print me copies of my claims form as they needed it. I was on the street freezing while i complete the form. Held me for days to get a response denying my claim. “It was only theft”, and no physical attacked has happened. I have controlled my anger. There were so many things that happened after but Im going to stop here. The tour has succeeded somehow. Good thing I have my transfers and accommodation booked in advance. This was also made possible because of my support line, friends. This trip I am afraid I could not say all pure fun, but definitely something I am proud to have gone through. And I know everyone will agree that despite of that incident, I have made it safely. Yes I am also thankful that it was just that, there could be worse. Now I am writing this because I have learned so much, specially from people that watch you. The people who really care. The people who do not only look at you when you shine. The people who do not need a clear statement from you to tell them you are not okay, but will surely bother to ask you. The difference of “I am sorry to hear that” from “please let me know what i can do to help”. The sound of, “This is what we will do” and “let me know what’s happening to you when you have a chance” The sincerity of, “I will not let bad things happen to you” and “you’ll get through this” Because of the help, I have decided to continue. Yes, there are some who said I should have just flown back home, but I do not know how… Along the way, I have met great people, who has proven that you will not be alone. It touched my heart. I will not forget you all. While the world will never stop for you, believe that there are people who will drop their worlds for you. Thanks again to those who did not leave me and those who have shown they care. Oh! Just one last thing, when I landed back I realized that my phone is suspended. When i tried to find out why, I have an unbilled charge of Php 10, 090 that needs to be paid immediately. And this is because of that multiple roaming calls I wished I have avoided. I felt like I was robbed twice. Then I have to worry about another incident at home that made me go through to the Emergency. Oh well, oh well. FML. Goodbye September! Till then!

#blog #2017 #holiday #schengen #europe #nightmare

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