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cynettic · 3 years

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hi, i hope i'm not bothering you, but i can order a Scaramouche × Kitsune reader, the two met before the vision hunt (and before he was a fatui if you want) the reader was always in the same place, sometimes having a conversation , the good old routine, but with the hunting of visions the reader disappeared not wanting to give up his own vision, and years later a reunion, SFW or NSFW is by your will, thank you, I really admire your work

Summary - Scaramouche met you as a child, growing up with the constant assurance that you would be right there, sitting at your spot where he could meet you with every visit. He isn't happy when you suddenly disappear.

Pairing - Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warning - Slight Yandere warnings?

Penpal - Ahhh- hope this is what you were looking for. I couldn't find a spot to put much nsfw unless I considered writing more for the series ( I could, just put a request in if thats what you’re looking for ). But I hope you liked it!! You're not bothering me at all and I'm glad you like my work!

A/N - Alright- so considering that with the 2.1 update with Scaramouche coming in, I just wanna state beforehand that I wrote this prior so I dont know if we learn about his backstory or anything!!

Link for Part 2

Stay With Me

Scaramouche was used to the routine he’d found himself going along with every visit to Inazuma. As a child he’d pass through the wild fields that stretched just beside his hometown, adventurous and curious with all the tenacity of a child.

And of course you, a kitsune that sat perched on the ground awaiting the Kitsune Saiguu, was bound to notice him. Unlike the other earth kitsune statues, you hadnt turned to stone during your wait. Instead, staying in the same place did you interact with travellers and the locals, which included Scaramouche.

“Fox person!” The little boy chanted, pulling at the hems of your clothing. Bright blue eyes bore into your own, and you slowly shifted your head to pay attention to the boy who was on the verge of bouncing on you.

Humming in reply to his excitement, the little boy paused, both of his small hands still tightly clasping the fabric of your clothes. Soft matted hair brushed past his face in a messy manner, calling out the boy for his boundless running and rebellious urge to keep his hair messy despite his parents wishes.

“Play with me!”

Staring at the boy only a moment longer, you simply chuckled at his antics. “I’m afraid I cannot move from the spot in which I dwell~ Perhaps I’ll be able to entertain you if you bring cards?”

But the young boy had made up his mind at the statement to which you couldn't move. A pitiful frown enfluged his face as he cast you the nastiest glare a five year old could muster. “Boring!” He shouted into the distance of the fields, dramatically turning on his heels and bouncing up into a sprint away. You watched his small figure fade away into the background, absentmindedly sighing and returning to your mindless thoughts.

As a child, Scaramouche would pass by you fairly often. Frequent when he asked you to play with him, and storming away with the same expression when you denied him. Nothing out of the ordinary, you’d lived for an exceptional amount of time, and even though grumpy children were not your specialty, you’d grown accustomed to their behaviour.

Growing up, Scaramouche got no better. You soon noticed his violent tendencies before they became an issue, the way the children shied away from him when playing Temari. Hiding in front of a tough exterior, he scared them away and laughed, approaching you later with tearful sob.

“Will you play with me?” He asked again, trying to hide the fact that he still wept when the other children pushed him away.

But your answer stayed the same, helping him wipe his tears and coaxing him into your arms. Not the first time you’d made contact with a human, but the first time you held them in such an affectionate manner.

It was clear Scaramouche was beginning to see you as some sort of pillar of reassurance when he began running away from home to simply ask to be held. You always welcomed him with open arms, urging him to head back to his household and sort things out. There was no harm in simply providing love and comfort for a child who received none was there?

“Now now, hurry back home little one. Your parents must be growing awfully worried if you’re out by this time at night.”

“My parents dont care about me!”

Darkness slowly pooled into the fields, an obscure shade covering the two of you from the tree you were under. Biting back form your normal emotionless statements, you pondered for something to soothe and convince the boy. Misunderstandings and hardships were normal from what youd seen with children, and you could only offer your hand on his shoulder, a promise. “Go back, I promise to stay here if anything further happens. But you shold give them another chance dont you think?”

And so he’d sprint back to his hometown, and you wouldnt hear from him again till he ran up right up to you a few days later. Begging you to play a game with him. The normal you supposed, and with a grin that seemed to stretch wider with every day, you told him the same thing you told him every single time.

“You cant move?!” Scaramouche nearly yelled one time, tiny fists curling at his side. “Thats… thats stupid!”

“It is isnt it?” You only smiled in response.

Unsatisfied with your response, he clawed your arm, pulling you with all his might. Strong, you realized with surprise that he was much stronger than most children his age. Easy enough to tug away from, but strong enough to take you off guard.

Snapping your hand back to your side, you narrowed your eyes. You weren't angry… no, you hadnt felt strong feelings like that after the disappearance of the Kitsune Saiguu. “Do not attempt to move me,” was your curt response, said in the most stern voice you’d used with the boy.

He’d looked at you only a few seconds longer before bursting into tears, turning away and running. You didn't feel regretful for defending yourself, only turning once more with a tired sigh to stare at the distance.

But just as you stayed ageless, Scaramouche grew older. Still, crossing each others pass was inevitable when you sat in the plains, just alongside the path that lead to his hometown.

With a permanent scowl that seemed to stain his face, he still seemed to have mature a tad bit. Maybe hadnt improved in the social department, because he now scared children and adults and alike, but more mature…

“Hm? Whats this?”

Once again, sitting criss cross under the large tree that provided the perfect shade on sunny days, you stared at the boy expectantly. His hands hesitated at your question, but he resumed shuffling. “Cards,” he simply said in response.

A small featherlike feeling flitted across your chest, making you feel lighter and… almost ticklish. A small smile crossed your face, and you recognized the emotion to be one of adoration. For him to have remembered words you’d spoken years ago, it gave you a warmth you’d sorely missed. A warmth akin to watching him and the other children grow up.

“Ew, dont smile like that, its creepy.”

Swatting at his head, he frowned further when you laughed. “You’re more mature,” you pointed out, lazily leaning back. “You need to work on your people skills though, as someone who hasnt moved in years, thats pitiful that I know more than you.”

“Shut it!”

But as he grew up, you hardly got to see much of him. He’d reached your height and then fully disappeared, leaving no goodbye. And much as you hated to admit it, you hardly noticed, not when days passed in a flurry. You were used to being by yourself, entertaining the kids and greeting the people that passed by.

Sometimes, there’d be the reminder of the warmth he’d given you. But it was quickly overshadowed by your duty to remain seated in wait for the Kitsune Saiguu. A dedication kept in its earnest, but beginning to dwindle.

Inazuma was beginning to change.

“The vision decree…” you repeated, staring at the traveller who’d mentioned it to you. “Care to elaborate?”

The new archon threatenening to take away visions from every inhabitant of Inazuma. It was preposterous, so much that you didnt move. Your vision meant the world to you, but so did the Kitsune Saiguu. You werent sure just how you weighed the two till you saw civilians passing by you, ones you recognized, ones that didnt recognize themselves.

It was snowing, cold snowflakes melting into your skin while your hair soaked in the water. Unflinching, you hummed to a little tune, awaiting someone to pass you so that you could attempt to strike a conversation of somesort. The unnatural weather distanced all who entered the field though, and you simply waited. For the Kitsune Saiguu, for someone, or for some form of entertainment, you didnt know. You Slowly closing your eyes, you decided not to care.

“Im gone for five years and you’re still sitting here like a dumbass.”

Eyes snapping open, you find yourself face to face with a complete stranger. Dark purple hair with dark blue eyes, piercing and dangerous in a way you dont recognize at all. Fancy clothing that you cant identify or put a name on.

The boy took a step towards you, crouching down to stare at you directly. His eyes scanned over your figure briefly, and he brushed the snow out of your hair and ears with one flick of his hand. In the next, he was offering a coat to you. “Take it, you’re probably getting cold.”

You leaned forward, ignoring the coat he offered you. Gently, you raised your hand to brush the hair from his eyes, centred on the way his pupils widened. Offering a small moment of surprise and one glimpse into the small childlike blue eyed wonder he was. “Kiddo,” you breathed, pulling your hand back and scanning him once again. “You’ve grown.”

“And you havent.”

Snickering at his comment, you took the coat. You didnt need it, but he looked like he didnt either. He was already wearing clothing that kept him warm, and with careful observation and an untouched coat, you settled on the fact that he’d brought it here. Brought the coat here for you.

“Still havent improved with those social skills of yours have you?”

He scoffed, letting himself fall back till he was sitting fully. “I dont want to hear it from someone who refuses to move an inch for years. Lazy ass.”

You open your mouth to retort, but instead laugh at his comment, shaking your head. “Gained some humour on your journeys have you? Bad words too it seems. Anyways...” He had sat down, which meant that he meant fully well to sit, chat, and catch up. That familiar warmth filled your chest, a contrast between the cold snow. “Welcome back.”

It wasnt often that Scaramouche visited Inazuma, but when he did, he was sure to visit you. The two of you would sit down for hours, talking about the most trivial topics. He never mentioned what he did in his time away, and you never asked.

But things began to go downhill when news of the vision decree finally took action.

“Its no joke anymore! The Raiden Shogun has taken custody of almost a hundred visions!”

In that moment you made your decision, weighing your vision over the Kitsune Saiguu. Awfully selfish you knew, but you’d spent decades sitting there in wait.

And for the first time you sat up from your position on the ground, clumsily stumbling upright but gaining balance. It takes a few steps until you’re back to normal, and you begin your journey in order to escape the Raiden Shogun’s vision hunt decree.

_-_-_-_

You didnt expect to see him again.

Long grass tickled at the skin of your legs, making you adjust your footing to no avail. Sun slowly descending past the mountains to mark the start of an evening and the soon approaching night. A normal day of exploring the mountains and islands of Inazuma, observing the constant changing situation, and running away from the vision decree like a favourite past-time.

With the exception of a firm grip on your wrist.

Dark purple like hair, same hate brimmed eyes and lavish clothing. You recognized Scaramouche the moment he had appeared, looking just as surprised as you were. That being before he snatched your wrist and snarled, “You.”

You wouldve considered it pure luck to find him, an unexpected reunion with someone you actually remembered. But no, his tone had some predatorial edge to it that had you cringing. Hard. “Yes, its me.” You answered back with a frown, trying to loosen his hold. “Nice to see you too, is something the matter?”

He only seemed confused at your words, pulling you closer.

“Something the matter?” He asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Well, to start, you’re not sitting at your damn spot.”

Taken aback for a moment, you wondered if that sole fact was what drove the boy to such lengths. Surely he couldn't be so troubled over the fact that you moved… “The vision hunt decree, I'm sure I mentioned that I was sticking around in wait for the Kitsune Saiguu. I decided to wander around and avoid the conflict until I could settle back.”

“You could’ve waited for me,” he stated almost instantly. “I could have protected you.”

You felt your brows furrow quizzically. “Wait for you? Why in the world would I-”

“Why wouldn't I?” He pushed you closer till he could fully grab both wrists, taking a step closer as if his words would resonate clearer in your head. “You took care of me as a child, it would only be fair for me to repay the favour.” But he only seemed to be looking for excuses. “And besides, you can't just up and leave… I didn't know.”

Before you could interject with the obvious answer that he didn't need to know, you stopped. You’d lived decades, nearly centuries if you’d kept count, and you had learned to read people's expressions even when you’d stayed away from them for so long. He didn't know. It hit you in the most unpleasant way that he wasn't aware that it was none of his concern. To him, you were just another thing he needed to keep track of, something he had control over. His face basically screamed, ‘I depended on you to stay in that place.’

Deep breath in and out. You’d lived long, longer than him, you could deal with a child throwing a tantrum.

“Don't worry,” you gestured to the vision ta your side. “I'm strong enough to protect myself, I appreciate your concern, but I’ll be back when the vision decree ends.”

Unconvinced, he pulled you closer, just until your faces were mere inches away from each other. “No,” he said in a stern voice. “I’d rather you by my side, where I can protect you. I hate to question what you’re capable of, but you’ve been sitting down for as long as I’ve known you for.”

“I’ve lived decades more than you,” a simple reply, hopefully enough to get by him. You snatched your hands back with ease, ears flinching slightly when a cold breeze swept past you. But you stayed firm, not wanting to look vulnerable against the imposing air he had around him.

Still unconvinced. “You’re coming with me.”

“No I’m not.”

You’d known him as a kid, watched him grow up along with all the other small ones in his hometown. And maybe you admit you cared a smudge bit about the warmth he gave you when settling down to play cards, but he was different. He had changed in the worst way and you weren't about to deal with it.

“So you’re not coming with me voluntarily?” He asked softly, taking a small step to which you responded by stepping back. He had his hands up, as if telling you he wouldn't hurt you. But the way he said voluntarily sent shivers up your spine.

“No.” Hand on your vision, you held your own hand up threateningly.

He took his time when tilting his head, taking a deep breath in, and then appearing in front of you in just a short stride. Too quick to react, you hesitated before you could attack him. You didn't want to hurt him, he was still a child in your eyes, and you paid the consequences for that. He slid his hand just along your neck, and a jolt of electricity seemed to thrum inside you just as you collapsed in his arms.

Scaramouche was quick to catch you, hoisting you up into his arms dearly. “I do hope you’ll come to understand,” he said softly, cradling your unconscious form in his arms. Making sure not to crush your tail when carrying your legs, he looked past the mountains, sigh resting on his lips.

Because Scaramouche liked to have control of the things he held dear. Like keeping all your valuables neat and tidy in a closet, he was happy knowing you were safe and stable in that spot you always sat on.

And he couldn't have you moving could he?

#genshin impact #genshin headcanons #genshin oneshot #genshin fanfic #genshin scaramouche #genshin scaramouche x reader #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact x reader #cynshealthysfw #genshin fluff

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alright--okay · 3 years

Text

you ever been to a basement show? pt. 2

tsukishima kei x reader

summary: Tsukishima sees you everywhere, and for a big school thats weird. And it’s not like he’s gonna do anything, that’d be even weirder, but one day in your shared lecture he sees you wearing a shirt with some small band’s name. A band he know. And well, now he has to know who you are.

word count: ~2.1 k

a/n: the first five chapters are already on ao3 so imma post them here real quick, hope anyone reading enjoys!

read on ao3!

pt. 2 Fine, Great - Modern Baseball

When you had first brought up a “basement show,” he had no idea what you were talking about. Tsukishima didn’t go to concerts, let alone ones held in sketchy, leaky, low-ceilinged basements with bands comprised of angsty college kids.

But it seemed fun.

You had lit up with the mention of them, so there must be something to them and he wasn’t about to ruin his attempt at friendship before it even started and spend the rest of the semester awkwardly running into you (which, as established, happened often).

After replying that no, he had never been to a basement show (or knew of their existence but you didn’t need to know that), you quickly whipped out your phone.

“Okay so there’s this huge group chat where the local bands post their shows, I can add you.” you handed over your phone, letting him type in his number. “If I manage to convince my roommate to come with me, I’ll be at the show on Saturday at the Pigpen,” you continued to ramble about the bands that were supposed to be there but Tsukishima was quickly getting lost.

“Pigpen?” Tsukishima questioned. What kind of place in the middle of Tokyo was called the Pigpen?

You let out a small laugh, “I know, some of the places that hold these things come up with some weird names. But don’t worry, no pigs will be present. It’d be cool to see you there.”

“Oh already desperate to see me again? I haven’t even left yet, l/n.” Tsukishima gave you a smirk, returning your phone.

“With that wonderful smile, how could I not be?” you said, fanning yourself, “It just won’t leave my mind and your lanky body in those loose sweatshirts? My god! I can’t take it!” You smiled up at him, as you both fell into step with each other, making your way out of the lecture hall.

“I’m glad you can admit it.” You laughed again, and okay Tsukishima was glad he sat next to you.

“So, do you think you’re gonna come?”

“I’ll … have to see. I might already have plans.” That was a lie. Tsukishima definitely did not have plans but he wasn’t about to admit that too you. At most he would spend the weekend watching movies with Yamaguchi or avoiding Kuroo and Bokuto. Yeah, it as nice to live with people he knew from high school, Kenma and Akaashi were quiet, good roommates, but dealing with the visiting pair on an almost weekly basis could be a lot, to say the least.

“Well, if you decide you want to go, let me know. I can give you the address and it’s always nice to know someone among a crowd of strangers.”

Tsukishima kept a neutral face as the two of you continued walking, but he couldn’t help but agree.

~~~~~~

“Yachi, please! I swear no one will murder you, I’ll be with you the whole time, promise!” You had been begging your roommate for the last few days to come to this show with you, and in the last few hours, you were hoping she’d finally agree.

“But what if-”

“Nope! You have already told me every scenario. And I am telling you,” you gently grabbed her shoulders, “it will be fine, I will not let anyone kidnap or mug you.” You released her, gaining hope by her almost calmed expression. “Besides, I think a guy from one of my classes is gonna come so we’ll have even more back up.”

Tsukishima had texted this morning, apparently whatever plans he had fell through, leaving his night open for the show. You couldn’t lie to yourself, you were kinda happy about that. Tsukishima seemed cool, and despite trying to go to shows often, you didn’t know that many people in the scene. Having a more reliable concert buddy than Yachi was definitely a good idea, especially someone who could scare away any creeps like the intimidatingly tall blonde.

“Alright, I’ll go.” Yachi finally conceded. She was obviously still anxious but had calmed down considerably since you had first brought it up, “But you’re cleaning the bathroom for the next month.”

“YES, okay that’s fine. Really, don’t worry, we’re gonna stick together. Come on, let’s get ready.”

~~~~~~

“Hey, hey! Where you going Tsukki?” Kuroo called from his position on the couch, Kenma lazily draped across him, switch in hand. Tsukishima was lucky only Kuroo decided to stop by this week, he didn’t know how he’d leave if the rambunctious duo were both questioning him.

“Out.”

“Huh? Where? Your only friends are right here.” Kuroo continued to question, smirk firmly in place.

“Where did you get the idea that we were friends?”

“Tsukki~” Kuroo drew out his name, “We all know I am your best friend-”

“Not true.”

“And so,” he continued, “I just want to know where my dear BFF is going on a Saturday night.”

“Again, not your BFF. And again, out. I should be back later tonight.” Tsukishima really didn’t need this right now. Who knows how long and in-depth Kuroo’s questioning would get? You said the music started at nine and it was already approaching 8:30, and he still had to make the ten-minute walk to the address you had sent him.

Tsukishima knew you were probably just being nice to him. He had made it clear in your first meeting that he didn’t get to talk about music often so you were probably just giving him the in. You got him in the group chat, maybe you’d see each other at other shows on the weekend and in class during the week, and that was it. You could wipe your hands clean of Tsukishima Kei and continue as you were. He hoped he was wrong.

“Wait, Tsukki-” before Kuroo could continue, Tsukishima shout a quick goodbye into the apartment and closed the door behind him, letting out a sigh as he did so.

He was getting to this basement show.

~~~

As he approached the address you had given him, Tsukishima couldn’t help but pay attention to his surroundings. Instead of the larger apartment buildings that were closer to campus, he was now in a more residential area. Rundown houses lining the streets, some with slightly overgrown lawns. Most probably being rented by other college kids who wanted a cheaper rent.

Tsukishima didn’t venture this far from campus often but while reaching his destination he was met with two guys around his age standing at the edge of the driveway.

“You here for the show?” One of them asked. Tsukishima gave them a curt not, handing over a small pile of yen to his outstretched hand. “Okay just get marked and then you can head in through the door in the back.” Tsukishima gave another nod as the other grabbed his hand, marking the back with a black smiley face and letting him pass.

As Tsukishima slowly walked to the back of the house, the chatter of college students leaking from the opened basement door, he looked down at the smiling face on the back of his hand. He couldn’t stop his own small smile from creeping its way onto his face.

Getting to the basement required a lot more ducking than Tsukishima would have liked, and even now in the more open space, he had to watch where the rafters and pipes on the ceiling were.

“Tsukishima!” Turning his head to the voice, he looked over to see you, bathed in the cheap red glow of the LED lights lining the walls. You were smiling at him (good sign) and gave him a small wave as he continued to approach (also a good sign).

“Tsukki!?”

Tsukishima turned his gaze downward, met with the sight of his former volleyball manager. “Yachi? What are you doing here?”

“You guys know each other?” You questioned, looking between the two.

Yachi turned to you with a smile, “Yeah! Me and Tsukki went to high school together. He was on the volleyball team when I was a manager. Him and Yamaguchi came to Tokyo but I haven’t seen either of them in a while.” Your mouth forming a small ‘o’ as Yachi went on.

You turned back to look at him, “So you know Yamaguchi? Yachi talks about him sometimes.”

It took Tsukishima a second to respond, still processing the fact that you knew Yachi, were roommates with Yachi. And you had heard of Yamaguchi (but not him which was fine). What is happening right now? “Um, yeah. We’ve been friends since elementary school, we’re roommates actually.”

The three of you continued with light conversation as the band finished setting up their instruments.

“How’s everyone doing tonight?” The band was meant with light cheers from the crowd, “I want to thank everyone for coming. Shoutout to the Pigpen for having us. We’re Destroy Boys and this is I Threw Glass at My Friend’s Eyes and Now I’m on Probation.” Immediately Tsukishima was met with the intense guitar and thumping drums, heart pounding in time with the bass being blasted through the speakers dispersed throughout the basement.

Beside him, Yachi was bopping her head, much calmer now with you and Tsukishima with her, and you were dancing while straining your neck to look at the band near the back of the basement, mostly blocked from the crowd in front of them.

Tsukishima focused on the wild crowd, it honestly couldn’t be considered a “crowd” anymore, that was a mosh pit. He has never been to a concert before, but he recognized the push of a circle and the bodies jumping into each other.

The first song came to an end, met with loud screaming from the temporary calm mosh pit.

“Whose moshing?” You asked him and Yachi, a borderline wild look in your eyes.

“Not happening,” Tsukishima replied at the same time as Yachi’s panicked no.

“Alright fine, but you guys stick together and stay here, I can’t lose the only people I know here. I’ll come back after a song or two.” You said, handing your coat to Yachi’s waiting hands and giving them a smile before rushing into the pit as the next song came back just as strong as the first.

“Is she always like this?” Tsukishima asked Yachi, ducking down towards her ear so she could hear him over the music.

“If it’s just me and her, she chills in the back with me, but I guess with you here she feels okay letting me just watch while she goes a bit … wild.” The two looked back at the pit where you were, jumping and laughing and bumping into people as you screamed the occasional lyric.

Yeah, he was gonna start coming to these things more often.

~~~

“I can’t believe you would say Remo Drive’s second album is better than their first!” You ranted. The three of you were making your way home from the show to your respective apartments, which turned out to be only a block from each other.

“I can’t believe you are disrespecting the growth of supposedly one of your favorite bands.” Tsukishima was having fun; from the talks between sets at the basement show to now the walk home, you and him had been debating bands, albums, songs, everything with Yachi often chiming in or laughing at the two of you.

“I would never, first of all, and second, you can’t tell me there was a complete vibe change after Sam left.” You continued, “Greatest Hits was a fun, emo album and they completely changed their style after that!”

Tsukishima remained quiet. You had a point. The second album was pretty different and you weren’t the only person who had shared similar remarks on it.

At his silence, you replied, “That’s what I thought you complete imbecile.”

“Imbecile? Who are you?”

“Not an imbecile, that’s for sure.”

“Can you spell imbecile for me?”

“This is not the argument we were having and I refuse to partake in your attempt at slander-”

“Alright, what about necessary?”

“I don’t have to prove anything to you.”

“How can you not spell a stupidly common word?”

“I really don’t need this harassment in these trying times, okay?” Beside the two of you, Yachi broke out into giggles, “Yachi,” You dragged out her name, “please stop laughing at me.”

“I swear it isn’t at you, y/n, I’m laughing with you.”

“It’s okay Yachi, you can say it, I’m laughing at her too.” Tsukishima said with a smirk and small chuckle.

You and Yachi slowed down, reaching the entrance of your building, “Well that’s enough y/n-hating for today, assholes, I’ll see you in class on Monday, Tsukishima.”

“Bye Tsukki! Tell Yamaguchi I say hi.” Tsukishima raised his hand to say goodbye as the two of you entered your building, smiles still on your faces, and looking at your retreating figure definitely did not make his heart beat just a tad faster (he swears).

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #tsukishima kei #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima x reader #tsukki x reader

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susventingdolphins · 3 years

Text

My sister no longer feels like a friend (No TL;DR, but if you want to get to the last breaking incident and skip the past context / events go to the bottom)

I (23) have these two friends I'll call them L (21) and X (23), L has been like a sister to me for 3 years. I still love her as one but so much has happened that I don't love her as a friend anymore. L and X I've helped with their mental health since I met them, L for 3 years I've been her on call pseudo friend-therapist trying to help her so she could eventually get professional help for herself. Its been non stop taking care of her and having friends around us favor her and abuse me and neglect me to force me to be the perfect "caretaker" for her by "toughening me up" L knew about this but shrugged it all off. L Rarely reciprocated with listening to me, when i did try to go to her she'd be judgemental and threaten me to force me into things I didn't want to do. So eventually I rarely went to her unless it was dumb friend sh*t and nothing big in my life. And even then it was only when I wanted to end my own life did I go to her. But she always blew me off and it was my husband who had to pull me back each time.

The major issues though? It started off last year First incident with L Blew off my past abuse out of no where, using her religion to push me into forgiving the man who sexually, physically and verbally abused me, gave my whole family ptsd, gave my mother physical scars, screwed up and ruined my one brothers knee, hurt me so badly that I live with constant physical pain as a result from too much force / physical trauma to my body. But L told me I had to forgive him that abuse is a cycle and only god can judge. When I told her to stop and told her she should know better as shes been through verbal abuse and emotional manipulation from both of her parents. She insisted I was being ridiculous by still hating him and having ptsd from him. Got angry and offended and told me again only god can judge and that im not allowed to or I'll go to hell. Second Incident with L She compared me to her abusive mother out of the blue when I was trying to help prevent L from ending her own life scared for her, all because she had insecurities and anxiety and outright admitted to me she let her imagination run wild and painted a completely different version of me in her own head, yet she still judged me for the actions of that imagined version things I never even did or said and she held them against me. Third incident with L She knows I have a fear of men bc of my PTSD, Men are terrifying even online for me, the older they are the worse it is. It causes me major panic attacks so I prefer to outnumber men with females and nonbinary friends when Im with new men so I don't feel overwhelmed. I like to take things slow with men. L however thought it was a good idea to throw me in a group chat with 5 men and just the two of us and to make it worse pressured and forced us into a voice call, acting depressed and hurt if I didn't join. She told me she was trying exposure therapy to help me get over it. I never asked her to do such a thing and I had a major panic attack. I got angry at her for this and she got defensive and angry and when I didn't let it go she then wanted to take her own life again. When I apologised to her for being mad and forced myself to let it go suddenly she was all rainbows and sunshine again. Fourth Incident with L I had a dangerous ex friend, who I couldn't leave bc they were threatening me and had found out my IP address. L knew this I spoke to her about this. I legally could do nothing bc it was JUST online they hadn't made a move yet so I couldn't get legal help. L forced me to leave that ex friend threatening to leave me as a friend if I didn't and assured me I'd be fine if I broke it off, told me I don't really trust her or love her if I didn't. Even though I told L of the risks and the fact I couldn't legally protect myself because even if the ex did do something cyber crimes are often brushed off in my town and laughed off unless she DOES leak the IP or my address (and often times thats still ignored until someone physically tries to harm me or stalk me). It doesn't stop her from leaking everything else about me. The ex friend then leaked all my emails, my social medias, my face, to people online, including to hate groups of asexuals, knowing I was ace, one of the biggest things I wanted to avoid. the IP didn't get leaked but the ex friend did threaten to leak it if I went against her again, I then had a lot of threats flooding my email address after. Now as for long standing issues over the past 3 years 1. She would always bring up how much she hated her skinny body when I felt insecure of being fat 2. She would always get mad at me for wanting to lose weight because she felt I was hating on myself by wanting to lose even one pound, told me god made me this way and I was being disrespectful if I change it, even when it was for medical reasons. 3. She insinuated a lot that I wasn't good enough for my husband that because I have depression he deserved better 4. She threatened me all the time to tell my brother who has depression, that I was suicidal and pile all of my own problems on him knowing it'd

hurt him if I ever ended my friendship with her, she'd do this whenever I got mad at her for anything. 5. She never accepted that she hurt me a lot, instead she'd either suddenly want to die every single time until I let it go or she'd try to gaslight me into making it all my fault she hurt me. I never could communicate with her. 6. she constantly criticised me for not having as easy of a time learning as other people and for being unable to grasp anything in math (except the basics) and science. She also constantly corrected and mocked and made fun of me for my punctuation and grammar and discouraged me from following my dreams to become an author. 7. Constantly got jealous about all my new friends and trash talked them 8. Flirted with my IRL big brother trying to lead him on and use him to cheat, when she was in relationships with other men and knew my brother was off limits. 9. Trash talked my mother no matter how many times I got angry at her for it. 10. Forced me to voice chat and do so often without breaks, even when I didn't want to though she knew I had major anxiety involving using my actual voice to speak (its linked to my social anxiety, its weird and I don't get it myself. But speaking physically genuinely mentally pains me to do) 11. Sent me monetary gifts even when I told her not to, and always joked about me owing her, and went on about how much money they cost her and how much of her money she had left. 12. All the gifts she did send me was things she liked that she knew I disliked and she got angry if I didn't fall in love with these things. 13. Would disrespect my s*x repulsion (part of my own asexuality. Its my side of the spectrum) and force me into uncomfortable topics talking all about her having s*x with her boyfriends. For those wondering why X is also a problem: through all these each time I asked him what to do when talking to L didn't work, X excused her behaviour and blamed and pinned everything on me for "not trying hard enough to be a good friend, not being understanding enough, not being patient enough. You know how L is, its just her nature! You should be putting more legwork in to make up for it, you know she loves you. would she put up with you if she didn't? She only wants what is best for you, give her a break. Shes doing this all for you. You have to take care of her! you owe her, she deserves it." ‼️LAST INCIDENT FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO READ ALL OF THIS‼️ then the most recent incident with her some context first: I take mental health breaks, I am bluntly honest about what im going through if asked if I trust someone. If you're not part of the problem I always let you know why im leaving even if I don't go into detail. This is something I've said and made clear numerous times over the years and even warn people about the day we become friends so they have time to back out if they can't handle a friendship that isn't constant messaging. L and X for the past 6 months have ghosted me and been cold towards me, responding maybe 1 / 20 times and always short and curt unless they needed help for something. The whole time I waited for them, I helped them even when I was having bad day after bad day, my own mental health was dipping which i informed them of incase I seemed cold after awhile and couldn't keep up being bubbly. But I kept trying to make their day sending cute little supportive messages constantly and checking up on them bi-daily when I knew it was particularly a hard week for them. I waited and waited thinking "They will talk to me when they need me or when they feel ready. It'll be okay, Whatever it is we can tackle it together" and this is also something I expressed to them, that I noticed something is wrong but I'm here if they need me whenever they are ready. That the option is always open and I loved them. Then they got colder and colder, they started making snide jabs at me all the time which I brushed off as them having a bad day every single time. They made jabs about every part of my personality being annoying, my appearance being annoying and treated my

looks with disgust, they hated every single thing I got into and liked and got angry if I didn't like every single thing they did, they found any reason to criticise me those 6 months every single day. And on my 3 year friendship anniversary with them they treated me even colder and picked a bunch of small fights with me throughout the whole day from what games i was playing, to my choice of clothes, to what I ate to how much and how little I spoke, everything was wrong wrong wrong. Then fast forward to 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago L started a huge fight with me L told me my depressive break downs were pity parties minimized and scoffed and laughed at them. She told me My husband only puts up with me and I don't deserve him and im abusive and toxic for having depression that because I don't get better it hurts everyone else that I can't be happy all the time and im toxic because I "choose to have depression" She told me Im abusive for taking mental health breaks that by taking them and walking away from all social media for a few days at a time, im "practically telling us we're not good enough and we're unloveable." and that I am toxic for taking breaks. Her words. Im toxic for being friends with people I've fought with in the past and "stupid, naive, retarded, foolish, cowardly" that I love the pain and bathe in it and thats why I never get better. That im a "sh*tty friend for being depressed" told me to just willpower away my depression and anxiety. She told me I deserved to be depressed and have anxiety, told me I brought it on myself, told me my past didn't matter that my PTSD is my own fault, told me I never had to be perfect (I did in the past as a kid have to be to avoid being given to an abusive criminal bc he had this town wrapped around his finger into believing he was innocent as can be, this is something that lasted with me from I assume PTSD, I strive to be perfect to fix all my flaws I possibly am able to, and hide most of my negative emotions. This has never ever effected how I treated others, only how I treat myself. It also is something I've tried for years to snap out of but never been able to manage to.) and that im no ones saviour (never said, acted or claimed I was) and to stop helping other people, told me im nothing and no one and no one cares about me. Told me I don't matter and no one would care if I did die that im insignificant. She told me she was hurt I don't talk to them how I feel about them and keep it to myself instead when she knows they are hurting me. She then compared herself to my ex friend who abused me for 6 years straight and numerous times had tried to drive me to suicide. She then told me It was my fault she has insecurities. When I told X all that happened X blamed me for it telling me I deserved it and everyone else was too cowardly and everyone was thinking it and wanted to do it to me. He then told me he loved me and wanted me to talk to him how I felt about him, so I was honest decided "Okay I must be in the wrong if they both are upset" I apologised to them both for everything they accused me of because I genuinely felt bad. L and I kept talking because I was trying to fix things, L told me that I X and Her "Know we aren't your only friends but it'd be nice if we were, I'd like that it'd make me so much happier" She told me that she feels like she has to change to a warmer person and im a bad person for her feeling that way because she feels like she has to match up to my energy because I get depressed when they ignore and ghost me for weeks on end that its just "how we are, its our nature. We're cold people" Then turned around in the fight to tell me I have to change and become colder, that they hate who I am as a person, they hate that im affectionate and get attached to people. L told me X and her have been talking behind my back, sent me logs of it of the two of them insulting and mocking me and told me they did it out of love and frustration and in those logs X had told L many of my secrets I trusted X with, he didn't keep a single one. I went back to

X deciding to be honest since they want honesty, and told him about what L showed me and that I didn't trust the two of them anymore after this and the things said were harsh and hurted a lot and a lot of it did feel inaccurate while some things were on the nose, and he told me he didn't want to be my brother anymore, told me I was a bad friend and I again deserved what panda did, then he ghosted me. After this all happened, I snapped and something clicked and changed inside and I felt cold towards them. Affectionate to those who actually showed me love, and happier again because I trusted L the most and she broke my heart. It felt like I hit an epiphany. I became a new person, I changed my name online, I cut off toxic friends, I patched things up with old friends, I communicated more about my feelings so there'd be no misunderstandings anymore with good friends because of my own anxiety and insecurities with them. I was happier I had really good friends by my side who love me. I was a new me, I found myself again and it felt like there was light again in a tunnel that has been long and dark since I was 12. Fast forward to 3 days ago and she messaged me again after us not talking since that incident. She apologised and I felt relieved, but thats not the end. Her apology took a very unexpected turn. She told me she was only sorry she never said anything earlier, but she did not regret a single thing she said or did to me over the years since we met and especially not what she said and did that day. She told me again I was a horrible human being for being depressed and toxic for hating my own appearance and trying to lose weight. She then said "I know better, I knew better and let my own insecurities get to me. But its YOUR fault. You never told me otherwise. I didn't go to you either but you never told me what I needed to hear, you're supposed to be good at reading people, its your fault not mine" Told me that she is hurt by me for me taking mental health breaks, said I was doing it to be malicious to her and X, that there was no way I wasn't, even though she "knows better her insecurities say its that way so it has to be and its my fault for making her feel insecure." She then told me she wants to stop being friends but also wants to hold onto me. Told me I'd have to do a lot of work, when I spoke to her about all she ever did that hurt me, how I felt she turned around and made it all about herself. She then told me it'd be me that would have to change who I am as a person. "Become colder, Stop caring about others, Be warmer to us, don't leave us behind, stop taking mental health breaks" Then she told me "Its my fault you changed, I did well but I don't like how you changed. I pushed you onto that new path leaving myself stuck behind. I dislike this new you, I didn't expect for that to change your whole life and who you were. I don't like it, maybe we can change it back and be friends again" She then told me "the misunderstanding caused me to distrust you, you'll have to repair that if you want us to be friends still. I'll TRY but you have to fix everything or this wont work out" If we do stay friends shes going to be a casual video games only kind of friend only bc I still do love her. But honestly if we stop being friends Im fine with that too. Either way shes lost all right to be a big part of my life again and shes lost trust she'll never get back from me.

#Toxic friends #Toxic friendship #Trigger Warning #tw suicide #tw depression #sorry for the rant #rant #3 year anniversary

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