#tbh I'm not saying don't do this ever. I just think it's worth trying out the idea of oh it's kinda bad. keep going anyway | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

old-lorarri · 4 months

Text

꒰꒰ ‧₊˚𝐇𝐎𝐓 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐎𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐀𝐋 𝐊𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐑 ─ 𝐋𝐒𝟐 ˚₊· ꒱꒱

─ summary . . . ❨ your friend forces you onto a dating app and to be honest you weren't expecting much but maybe it was worth it ❩ ─ pairing . . . ❨ logan sargent x fem! non-famous! reader ❩ ─ genre . . . ❨ social media file ❩ ─ author note . . . . ❨ now tbh I was meant to do this for a different driver but changed last min so I hope this is still good so enjoy! ❩

❨ taglist | masterlist ❩

WELCOME TO L♡VE LINE

the app where you are destined to find the one

create an account . . .

number: xxx-xxx-xxx

name: Y/N L/N

birthday: xx xx xxxx

nationally: british

idea type: funny, nice, and not a serial killer

about you: creeps stay away 🤺🤺🤺

add a profile picture . . .

please wait while we find your matches

loading . .

thank you for being patient,

we have found 4 matches

matt markson has requested to message you

accepted decline

birthday: november 10th, 2002

nationally: american

ideal type: sexy, funny, and submissive

bio: best haircut in ohio

matt

hey baby girl 😮‍💨

how about you give me a show 😏

Y/N

no 🥰

also you hair is fucked

you have blocked this person

try again

yes no

lukas morris has requested to message you

accepted decline

birthday: january 21st, 2000

nationally: poland

ideal type: hot, horny, shy

bio: drug, drinking, sex 4 life

lukas

what are your thoughts on gun play?

Y/N

...

lukas

not a fan I see

how about blood play

has anyone told you

that you would make a beautiful corpse 🥵

Y/N

goodbye 👋

you have blocked this person

try again

yes no

amir abbas has requested to message you

accepted decline

birthday: july 19th, 1999

nationally: uae

ideal type: modest, kind, god fearing

bio: habibi come to dubai

amir

you are so beautiful ❤️

Y/N

aww thank you ☺️

your good looking to 👀

amir

I would love to bring you to dubai 😉

Y/N

bit soon don't you think?

amir

I think it would make it easier to get to know each other

you know face to face

Y/N

yeah ig

amir

great

just don't tell my wife

Y/N

your what?

amir

my wife

also you can't post me

and I can't post you

but I'll buy you channel and a ferrari ❤️

how does that sound habibi

Y/N

fucking awful

I am not some fucking side hoe

hope your wife finds out what a piece of shit you are mate 🖕

you have blocked this person

yes no

logan sargent has requested to message you

accepted decline

birthday: july 19th, 1999

nationally: usa

ideal type: funny, kind, honest

bio: american f1 driver

logan

oh thank god

this app has finally matched me with someone normal 😮‍💨

Y/N

right?!?!?

eveyone on this app is givning either serial killer or scum bag 😭

but I gotta ask dude

what's up with that pfp 💀

logan

my friend alex took it

he forced me to make this account

he said it was a good photo

is it not?

Y/N

wait you got forced on here too??????

same 😭

my friend megan said I needed to

"meet new people"

what ever tf that means

also

if I were you

I would sue alex for defamation of character 💀

cuz that photo does not do you justice

makes you look like a ✨ serial killer ✨

very ✨ted bundy✨

also question

american white man

which type of american are you 🤔

logan

florida baby

RAHHHHHHH 🦅🔥🇺🇸

Y/N

oh dear 😅

it's always florida or ohio...

but anyway

thoughts on taylor 🧐

logan

queen 👸

icon 💅

the moment ✨

mother 😌

Y/N

hummmm

you have passed the test ✅

logan

yessss

anyway question

Y/N

shoot

not literally florida

figuratively 😭

logan

florida really?

anyway

what do you do for a living?

Y/N

barista

I know I know

before you say it yeah customers can be a bitch sometimes

but I'm a sucker for free coffee

what about you

logan

f1 driver for williams racing

Y/N

oh cool

don't really know what that is sorry 😭

I only really watch football

liverpool fan till i die 🫡

logan

you mean soccer

Y/N

football

logan

soccer

Y/N

football

logan

soccer

Y/N

football

logan

soccer

Y/N

it's football you twat 🥰

listen we don't call american football

kick run catch and occasionally punt now do we

logan

okay speak your truth queen 👸

Y/N

thank u king 🤴

okay but why when I googled your name

this was the first thing that came up 😭😭😭

logan

oh god

sorry you had to see that

Y/N

not a problem mate ☺️

logan

wow 💔

I just got mate zoned 😢

going dark 😞

Y/N

no no no no no

I'M SORRY 😭😭😭

I'M BRITSH IT'S IN MY DNA

logan

all I hear is excuses 😞

Y/N

WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT BETTER

logan

I think you number would heal my broken heart rn 🫣

Y/N

smooth america real smooth 😭

logan

thank u thank u

Y/N

xxx-xxx-xxx

if you turn out to be a serial killer I'm going to be pissed 💀

logan

Is the photo really that bad 😭😭😭

Y/N

yes babe 😌

dw when we go on a date I'll take some yummy pic's of you

logan

bet

text me the deets

Y/N

will do mr miami 🫡

logan reacted with a ❤️

read

─ inspired by . . .

@landitolover ─ dulce hotline

─ requested by . . .

anon ─ Any driver of your choosing where the reader doesn’t know who they are and is just a regular person

2K notes · View notes

cupidhoons · 25 days

Text

our ups and downs ⟡ p.js

syn even in your worst times, he saw the best of you

wc 786 && trope est relationship long(ish) fic mlist

note 🗒️ ; tbh i really do not know where i was going with this but enjoy! this is to celebrate me hitting 300+ followers >< + jay's b-day month!! (p.s this is for nin baby ^0^ @lilacnini)

No matter the mistakes and lies you made in your relationship with Jay, he always saw the truth in you. Jay was the man who always stayed with you. Even if it was hurting him, he stayed. He always saw the silver lining in things and always managed to make things work between you two. You loved him to death.

You remember the times you cried in his shoulder, how you told him you hated yourself, how you felt worthless.

"Darling don't ever say that about yourself. You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever met. You have a beautiful smile and on top of that a bubbly and sweet personality. You're worth everything, my love. I spend every penny on you without any regret." He looks at your glossy eyes, not once looking away. He pushes a strand of hair away from your face and kisses your tear stained cheeks.

But despite all the sweet things you've experienced with him, there were also many painful moments in your relationship. Lots where it almost ended right then and there, but alas you both pushed through.

You remember the time where you two argued over work, how he never paid attention to you anymore. He was breaking the very promise he made that work would never get in between you two.

"I don't understand why you're so upset! I'm trying to make things work between us but you're turning this into a bigger deal than it is!" You could hear the anger through his voice, the impatience. You both hated arguing with each other, but this time there seemed to be no way out. It's been like this for weeks.

"God Jay! You've been out so fucking late, how do you not expect me to make this 'a big deal'? Not only that, but you're breaking our promise! Actually no, your promise," Tears were threatening to fall from your eyes. You've had enough of this behavior of his, it was breaking you both. You were worried that this was end, that he was just another man of the past.

"I understand that you're stressed with work but you're bringing work into weekends! Weekends Jay! The time where we can spend time together! It's like I don't even know you anymore." You continued. You try not to let out a sob but before you know it, you let out a choked sob. Jay hated seeing you cry — and that was when it hit him.

He immediately ran to your figure — shaking legs and hands covering your face. God, he hated himself for making you cry. "M'sorry baby I didn't mean for you to cry it's just — I've been having a hard time at work but it's no excuse to lash out on you like that." He pulls you in for a hug. His warmth surrounds your used to be cold figure and hushes you to clam down, whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Without the ups and downs, you wouldn't be with him right now. Hand in hand walking along the beach shore, celebrating your anniversary. He was your best friend, as were you to him. Before he asked you out and became your boyfriend, he was your best friend. You believed it was fate that brought you two together. Strings tied together — a knot keeping it together.

Your bond with him was nothing compared to the other men you dated before him. Jay was a different man — he was charming, respectful, funny, honest — you could go on for days talking about him. Most of all your parents love him. When you announced that you and Jay were dating, your father was already thinking of him as an in-law.

"Will you marry me?" You looked at Jay, who was on one knee with a small velvet box which held a gorgeous diamond ring. Your eyes went wide in shock. You couldn't believe it. You were at a loss for words.

"Oh my Jay..." Jay's eyes were sparkling. Your heart was beating faster and faster every passing moment. "Yes! I'm yours forever and ever!" He smiled at you while slipping on the ring on your finger then picked you up and twirled you around — like a princess.

And a few months later, you walked the aisle. Close friends and family came, everyone congratulated you and him. Smiles and best wishes were said.

"You may now kiss the bride." Jay wasted no time and put his all in that kiss. A million butterflies took over your stomach as you kissed him back. It was such a precious moment to see.

In every moment together — may it be good or bad — he was there to stay, and so were you

permanent taglist (open — send an ask to be added) ; @ms-no1kpopstan

136 notes · View notes

hippolotamus · 4 days

Text

So this is 39...

I was gonna do one of those X amount of things I've learned by age whatever, but 39 is a lot of things and tbh I'm not sure if I’ve learned that many (as some of you would undoubtedly agree). So, in true Hippo fashion, please accept this list of random assorted things I've picked up like shiny trinkets/facts I've come to accept through the years.

Believe it or not you're worth the effort, love and care you try to give everyone else but don't think you deserve.

Usually the more I've tried to fit in and be like everyone else, the more unhappy I've been. Let your freak flag fly and see who sticks around in your blanket fort.

Legos, coloring, stuffies, swing sets, daydreaming and other ‘childish pursuits’ are not, in fact, just for kids.

when given the opportunity, a solo car concert is a solid choice

If you're constantly putting yourself in boxes for the benefit of someone else... honestly, what's the point?

Find at least one person you can drop the mask with and be fully, authentically you.

Groups break up, accidents and weather happen... just go to the concert/show/exhibit if you wanna instead of waiting for ‘next time’.

nobody has their shit figured out (especially anyone acting like they do). we are literally all out here just wingin' it.

Some of the best life advice comes from fictional characters

Nobody cares. Nobody is thinking about you the way you're thinking about you. - Alexis Rose

Life isn't meant to be lived in moderation. We only get one chance at this... What's the point of living if you're just going to keep yourself locked away from ever experiencing life? - Avi Mulvaney

Make sure you’re following your heart - Carla Price

You’re gonna be okay, kid - Christopher Diaz

just because you didn’t die, doesn’t mean you’re actually living

even if you think you’re ‘too young’ for something, i assure you you’re not

i love you isn't reserved for family and/or romantic partners.

Platonic soulmates are a thing and they do exist

Dates with yourself are 100% necessary and sometimes the best ones

there is zero deadline or requirement to find a romantic partner, get married, have kids, buy a house, etc...

Sexual and Romantic preferences are fluid. It's OK if you change your mind or didn't 'figure it out' until your 20s, 30s, 40s or beyond.

You're complete as you are. Without the degree, the partner, the [current arbitrary standard]

Cliche as hell but life doesn’t end because you didn’t get the job/house/partner. Odds are good it’s the best thing that could have happened and you’ll be delighted it did.

Blood may be thicker than water but Found Family, the Family We Choose, is often the best family

Shared genetics doesn't demand your unwavering loyalty

I'm human and I fuck up. I make the wrong choice, say the wrong thing, don’t say anything or say too much. Way more than I want to, and often in the name of trying to keep the peace.

Do you write, paint, draw, some other variety of art? Congratulations 🥳 you’re an author/artist. A real one. Yes, you!

As such (and I will die on this hill) you don’t owe anything to anyone. Not the fic, the next chapter, the snippet, the gif set, etc. Your works are not the price of membership to fandom.

Missing someone and being glad they’re not in your life anymore aren’t mutually exclusive concepts.

You’re more than enough, but not too much. Never too much. I promise.

headpats & forehead kisses 💞🦛

#hippo rambles #not 39 things #hippo wisdom #i realize some of these are oddly specific #but i’ve been around a while and found them necessary

25 notes · View notes

itgirlgyu · 1 year

Text

HOW I THINK GAMING WITH TXT WOULD BE LIKE!

authors note! —this was my first ever request!! i apologise for the inaccuracies of my gaming knowledge I've never played a game except for exclusively beginner version of solitaire or those old nokia snake mobile games.

YEONJUN

it's actually quite enjoyable

will talk hella smack before yall like get your hands on the controller

swears he's pro

p.r.o, he actually spells it out

I don't think he understands some rules either

nevertheless

he's actually good until he gets too fancy with his moves to show off

and then keeps on dying a few hundred times

and then he's quiet like yo iMMA focus

"imma set the money where the mouth is at"

still keeps losing the more he focuses

which is EXACTLY why it's worth playing with him.

man just hilarious to look at while he's getting his ass getting handed back to him

I'm not saying he's a sore loser but like maybe, like just a few dozen times, he will put in casual conversations that, he wasn't in particular flow that day so you should play with him again

rinse and repeat

if he wins, he's gonna use that against you for like half a year

SOOBIN

1/2 worst person to play with

catch me jack hammering a rusted nail into my feet rather than playing with him

THIS MAN is like so fucking smug

but like he gets to gloat bc HES GOOD AT GAMES

and that's the problem, is that that he's way too good and I hate that

like lose sometimes for new flavor maybe?

what's even worse is that he's like actually talented at games, like crazy

just go play for the country then mf

lifeless loser

and what's worse is that he'd be like so casual about it

like oh yeah I beat your ass 200 times, I guess I got lucky, I'm just such a natural.

but like in games

"biTCH QUIT WHINING ABOUT KILL STEALS. TRY TO STOP ME IF YOU CAN U CXNT ABHAHAAB"

I'm telling u he's shady

he gives off that one student in class whose like oh i didn't study for shit and ends up getting 98 percent.

play with him, but never against him.

BEOMGYU

2/2 worst person to play with

runs his mouth more than than the fingers on his console

tries to gaslight you into giving up items for him or not kill him

not really a honorable move but sometimes it works so I guess you gotta do what you gotta do to survive

talks smack but like the type to drag your mother into it but if you do it back he will cry

the console smasher

will blame anything and everything

"IT'S NOT Fault I PRESSED THIS BUTTON WHY DIDNT IT WORK?!"

his luck is the worst like man will be trying his hardest and then get jumped by someone for fun

excels in those sniper games tho

might actually get into debts to buy items so keep an eye out for it

is also a sore loser but unlike yeonjun he won't coax you into playing another game with you

more like bully the fuck out of you to get into another game with him until he beats you

you can't even escape him by pretending to lose

he's got hawk eye

like suddenly developed a conscience

this man's evolution is questionable

good luck to you

TAEHYUN

best option tbh

like I see no (apparent) red flags

but I don't think he's that into gaming a lot so you'd have to drag him into it.

I don't think he understands the rules either but unlike yeonjun he's more discreet about it because he doesn't wanna get bullied

improvise, improve, eliminate

im sure it didn't make sense but literally ends up learning about the game as he goes and he actually gets good at it

like slightly, but it's the effort that counts

"so which team am I on?"

"taehyun you died."

his teammates will actually help with shit and item

acts like he's fine in the games when he gets his ass beat while in reality he's not fine

acts like he doesn't give a fuck about winning or losing

but he does indeed give many fucks about it

will improve his gaming skills to avenge his bruised ego

if provoked enough , he will track your ip address down and doxx you.

HUENING KAI

It will be a fun time for sure

maybe not the best player but it's the effort that counts right

he's all cute and nice when yall are playing civil games like animal crossing looking at each others island and stuff

but nay nay dont fall for his sweet looking dumb smile

go into shit like among us or other brutal games

man's gonna backstab u in a second

hes so shady but like unlike soobin he isn't quite successful at it

like cheats whenever cheating is possible in anyway

but hes just such a poor executioner of it

its actually pitiful

gets you wondering should i just die for his sake

loves gaming but maybe not the best at it lmao

he's so cute so it's always such a good time with him

"I will report you if you talk about shoving someone's bead into a horse's backside again tho, animals have the right too! what if the horses don't like pegging?"

doesn't give you a headache like the rest of them except for a few bald stops you get by ripping your own hair while stopping him from blind siding you

bombastic side eye for the amount of times he tried to go behind your back tho

he's actually a good player to have on your team tho

295 notes · View notes

mazeinthemiroh · 2 years

Note

Hiii! Before i request I hope you're doing well and you're talking care of urself 💞. Okay, so this might be a bit of a weird rqst but im on my period n i just thought of if my tampon gets stuck 🥲so i wonder how skz would react for you told them that happend, as a prank. Keep in mind, if this topic makes you feel a kinda way, you dont have to do it but if you agree, take your time. Thank you Stay😭💞

stray kids reaction when their s/o plays a tampon prank

genre: crack, suggestive?

word count: 0.8k

warnings: mentions of periods/tampons (obviously), cursing

author's notes: don't worry this topic doesn't make me feel uncomfy! as a pad-wearer, i have only ever heard of such concerns with tampons. i think i would share the same concern if i used them, and i know you're not alone in feeling this way. anyways, hope you enjoy this!

bangchan

best boy channie did research on periods and sanitary products because, you know, he loves you and wants to be well equipped with the knowledge to help you out! so when you tell him your tampon is stuck he's concerned. he starts packing an emergency bag full of idk sanitary products, medicine, snacks and a stuffed toy probably. "we need to go to the hospital, now" he will say and grab your hand, dragging you to the door. "chan i was only joking" you say with a chuckle as you pull him back. he stares at you in disbelief "why?? oh my gosh y/n seriously, you got me all concerned!"

minho

your first mistake is ever thinking you can prank lee minho. "babe my tampon is stuck." "oh." oh? wdym oh??? you try and keep your cool because you know he knows lee knows about tampons so his lack of response kinda pisses you off. "that's bad." "well no shit-" "anyways want to order some pizza," he says with a very nonchalant expression. throughout this whole time he hasn't looked up from his phone once. "do you not care about me," you say, half angry half sad, giving him a pouty voice. "i know you're lying you idiot. i always know when you're lying because you suck at it."

changbin

he takes it as a challenge tbh. "do you want me to help? i might be able to get it out." "wtf no???? no way." "WHAT I'M JUST SAYING I'M STRONG, IT MIGHT BE WORTH A TRY??" he says defensively, before folding his arms and looking thoughtfully, trying to scan his mind and figure out a solution. "well what do we do?" he says with a slight pout, mad at himself for not knowing how to solve this. with changbin you manage to string the prank out for a long time until he finally catches on that your lying. then he just looks at you like -_- while you laugh at him.

hyunjin

this drama llama is malfunctioning big time. "are you gonna die??? oh my god, oh my god." he shoots up from his seat and starts flapping about the room like a maniac. it takes everything in you not to burst out laughing. grabs the phone to call the emergency services because he doesn't know what else to do?? "hyunjin stop!! don't do that, you crazy person!!" "but yo-" "i was only joking. it was a prank!" you say to him with wide eyes, a nervous giggle coming from your lips. let's just say it takes a couple of hours for pouty hyunne to stop sulking.

han

he kinda freaks out about anything to do with periods. anytime you mention something period-related he's a bit 😖 not because he is ignorant or anything, it's just a bit out of his comfort zone for now. so when you tell him your tampon is stuck, he's a bit like :0 doesn't really know how to react. "o-oh, uh... that's... that's great honey." "wha- no jisung its a bad thing 🧍" "OHHHH oh no that's not good i'm so sorry baby :(" you end up just laughing your ass off at his totally random reaction.

felix

your superior acting skills make it seem like it's a really bad situation and felix is obviously super concerned, poor baby :( he feels so unprepared for this but also so ready to help. will do anything for you, just say the word. "does this mean you have to go to the doctor? i will come with you :(((" his kindness and worry makes you instantly regret doing this prank on him because it wasn't worth seeing him so concerned and upset. you must give him lots of cuddles and kisses when you tell him it's a prank, and tell him he's the best boyfriend ever <33333

seungmin

he's honestly more confused than anything else. will keep asking question after question about this. "so it's stuck?" "yep." "how did that even happen?" "it just did. the string broke, it happens sometimes." "but it's dangerous isn't it? it needs to come out." "that's correct." then he's just like 🧍‍♂️ he has no idea what to do so just stays silent for a bit, sort of avoiding eye contact with you while he stares off into the distance. you end up rolling your eyes and just telling him, and he does not look impressed!

jeongin

jeongin doesn't have much experience with periods in general. like he certainly knows they exist but other than that his knowledge is pretty limited. so when you come to him all like "my tampon won't come out", at first he's like wtf is a tampon?? and then clocks that it's something to do with your period and he's like, "oh... is that... a bad thing? it's a bad thing right?" and you just look at him like?????? "yk what nevermind," you sort of give up on the whole prank.

370 notes · View notes

traincat · 10 months

Note

Kaine connecting with religion but that religion being Catholicism always felt like a wasted opportunity and/or something that still has the potential for a good story? Perfect way to explicitly state Peter's Jewish identity and explore it. Also tbh I think Judaism would be good for Kaine. Yes I'm also Jewish but I swear I'm speaking objectively- it's such a hopeful religion and culture, rooted in struggle and survival in a way that Christianity isn't.

That's a really good insight about survival and Judaism and Kaine, anon. It's like the old joke about every Jewish holiday being "they tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat" but for Kaine it's more like "they tried to kill me, they succeeded, I'm here anyway so now I'm going to order $800 worth of room service." Extremely Jewish of him.

I have complicated feelings about Kaine and Catholicism—though I'm gonna go ahead and say I think comics in general handle Catholicism badly and kind of just treat it like General Christianity or Default Christianity which is I guess what happens when your media empire is founded by Jews.

It's always giving this.

But yeah like honestly I don't think my feelings on Kaine and Catholicism and Kaine and heterosexuality are really that different, where he's aware that these are things you do to Be A Person but doesn't grasp the nuance because he was grown in a vat by the worst man to ever get tenure, so he's trying to connect to something that isn't a good fit for him or that maybe he's not particularly interested in as part of his efforts to be a Real Person and not just Peter Parker's broken clone. Which is really interesting! I don't think that was Yost's intent in Scarlet Spider (2012) when it comes to either Christianity or the Kaine/Annabelle romance, but that's always how it comes off to me on a subtextual level. Kaine is trying to do things the "right way" but he only has a very limited idea of what the right way is, or even that there are other options out there for him. He sees a church, he goes into the church. He sees a girl who is into him, he tries to follow a script where he can't be with her because he's bad news, not because he's not actually interested. (I have a lot of feelings on Kaine's canon romances, such as they are. He's the gay clone.)

And because he's not like Ben and he doesn't have all of Peter's memories, he's sort of awkwardly stumbling around the concept of faith as he sees it in the wider world, without a full understanding of either the nuances of that faith or of his own heritage through Peter. I also feel like even if he did know Peter was Jewish, that might be something he would feel reluctant to embrace unless he was given permission by Peter to share in that with him, because of his complicated feelings on Peter and Ben and his relation to both of them and what he feels he can and can't take away from those connections and what he hasn't earned.

I also do sometimes wonder if Miles Warren was a (lapsed) Catholic and if that's something Kaine picked up through him. That would be something interesting to explore.

#kaine parker #traincat talks comics #*replies #jewish peter parker #by extension

69 notes · View notes

saintqueer · 6 months

Note

I'm sorry you got harassed again just from a simple post with a (imo pretty valid) opinion. If that person is the same that answered your post by reblogging and repplying on their blog with unnecessary hate (apparently queer but a solo louie) then it's the one I just blocked. I love to currate my experience in this fandom. Anyway I just wanted to say, I used to love your posts in this fandom! I lost track of your blog and thought you'd disappeard. I'm glad to see you're still on Tumblr and enjoying other fandoms. I'm well aware of how toxic this fandom can get (between the hets, the solos often queer themselves but hating on queer larries and more, to many groups to count tbh, louis' attitude on social media ect), especially when you dare to voice an opinion, which I'm mostly don't lol. I'm staying for the art, the fics, the great memes and ofc the music and the people. You're "y'all" made me think 'I Hope she still got good times and friends out if it. I made some great friends in the larries bunch myself. Anyway sorry for the rant, I lost track of what was my point here. Just was happy to see you pop on my dash through a mutual and wanted to say so I guess?? So once again thank you for the fun times I had reading your posts back in the days; have a great time out here, enjoying your favs fandoms, you do you! Sending love xx

so i was trying to avoid posting any anons regarding prev fandom discourse but i opened this one and read it through and it was just so amazing i had to respond, not just in tags 🥹🥹

of course, it's lovely to hear that you liked my posts on fandom back in the day etc but what really got me was when you wanted to make sure i still got good times and friends out of it, that nearly made me cry

because YEAH I FUCKING DID 🥺😩🥺🥹🥲

blue ( @wastelandbabyblue ) is literally one of the coolest people i've ever known while also being one of the kindest and funniest. id literally kill to meet her one day in person. i still keep up with brenda and several others i met in her og discord, some of which are the only remaining 1d fandom blogs i still follow here - they are so kind and funny and i still talk to them occasionally in a fandom discord i stayed in because i didn't want to lose touch with them.

and 🥹🥹🥹

i met 8 of who i would consider my closest friends in the whole world through fandom. through the most insane wild and unruly fandom discord drama, i literally located my found family: wedo, nino, iza, katja, olia, hanis, chloe, and su

we talk everyday still even though we live all over the world and we talk about nearly everything except fandom nowadays and they've helped me survive living day to day through some of the worst moments of my life. i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have them in my life

last night, i had a bit of a shame spiral thinking about all the time energy money i devoted to the 1d fandom. i felt embarrassed for being so loud about something that ended in so much disappointment. it wasn't fun and i know it was probably triggered by being involved in some discussions i hadn't been in so long

so when i opened this ask, anon, it reminded me so much that whatever was lost from that time, so much more was gained. the embarrassment of remembering dancing around like a fool with a rainbow flag for someone who couldn't even say something as simple as "look at all those colors" pales in comparison to the lifelong friendship i gained with these 8 beautiful women all across the globe

nothing will ever compare to the people i met and the way they feel closer to family than any of my blood ever felt

i'm glad that you found so much goodness as well and thank you for reminding me that it was all worth it for what i got

#anon

31 notes · View notes

lunanoc · 6 months

Note

Hey there! Your posts about heihua and xiao hua in particular have made me curious and I've only started book 7, so I didn’t get too much og book xiao hua (I have watched all the dramas though). Would you mind talking about him (and/or them) a little more? I'd love to read that!

And if not, then I hope you still have a great day :)

hi! i'd be happy to talk more about xiao hua and hei xiazi in the books if you're interested in my take on them (which honestly thank you i'm flattered you'd want it tbh 😂) so thanks for asking (sorry in advance for how horribly long this is)

before i say anything though, a few disclaimers:

while i do like him, xiao hua is technically not my ultimate blorbo (that's wu xie) so because the brainrot is less intense i'm not gonna pretend i'm an expert on all things xiao hua compared to some other people i can think of. same goes for heihua, which is a ship i do like but more passively, so again, not enough brainrot to be a super expert

i haven't read everything they're involved in yet, so for complete transparency, i'm currently about halfway through sha hai in my chronological order read of everything, and anything after that point i've read in bits and pieces only (like various extras, bits of yucun biji etc), so i notably haven't read flowery night. as far as heihua goes, the only thing i've read where they directly interact extensively is the beginning portion of what's considered restart part 2 aka the mute village storyline, but to my knowledge they don't really interact in real time before that point or barely. so i won't be talking about flowery night or the dragon vein trilogy that takes place after restart

any quotes will be pulled from merebear's translations of the dmbj books

i won't be avoiding spoilers so spoiler warning

NOW

with that out of the way, let's talk about book xiao hua and a little about book heihua. i'll be comparing to mostly ultimate note in terms of the adaptations but i'll try not to get too much into that, so the tldr of it is just to bear in mind their dynamic and xiao hua's character in that are significantly different in some ways from how they are in the books. if you want a good drama portrayal of book xiao hua imo the best by far is lost tomb 2 xiao hua even if even he isn't 100% perfect either. anyway i'm getting off track 🏃‍♀️

since you mentioned book 7, it's worth mentioning for anyone unfamiliar with the books that canonically xiao hua shows up for the first time fairly late in the story at the start of chinese volume 7, more specifically the xinyue restaurant auction, while hei xiazi briefly features in chinese volumes 4 and 5 as part of wu sanxing's double agent team along with xiaoge, but by comparison you don't get much about him besides that he's mysterious and competent on a scale wu xie equates with xiaoge. wu xie and hei xiazi don't interact much, so he's pratically not there and leaves you wondering what relevance he has to the story, which is only ever answered come sha hai. and more importantly at that point, there's no established connection between him and xiao hua at all, which is the major difference with the drama adaptations, namely ultimate note. you do find out later, both in sha hai and a thousand faces, that they're at the very least acquainted with each other to some extent, but that's information you only get much later. so essentially any heihua content pre sha hai is necessarily canon divergence au, and yes that includes ultimate note

xiao hua as a character then. it's interesting to note that he's fascinating in how eeriely similar he ends up being to hei xiazi in some respects, namely in how they operate, which is why i feel they get along as well as they do, but let's look at him independently first because there's a lot to say about him.

keeping in mind that the books are all, exceptions aside, from wu xie's perspective, xiao hua isn't named until fairly late into book 7. they meet by chance as they cross paths in xinyue restaurant, but he doesn't introduce himself to wu xie who calls him Pink Shirt until you reach a much later portion of the book that's never been adapted simply because ultimate note changed the story too significantly by introducing him early to keep that entire bit, which is terrible in some ways because it's such a fun scene, but we'll get to that later. in the meantime, here's xiao hua's first appearence, which establishes through frequent paralleled behavior that the reader is meant to preceive some degree of similarity between wu xie and xiao hua as well, which i'll also get to later:

Just as I was about to speak, the man saw Poker-face behind me and his face instantly changed. I thought he knew Poker-Face, but when I was about to start asking questions, I saw a man come out from behind Poker-Face. He must have followed us in. The man was dressed in a black suit with a pink shirt underneath and no tie. He was very relaxed. The man went up immediately and asked, “Young Master, the usual?” The man didn’t speak, but looked at me and stopped. I suddenly felt that he was a little familiar. I lived in Jiangsu and Zhejiang provinces, so I honestly didn’t have a lot of chances to meet acquaintances in Beijing. At this moment, my mind was stuck, and I couldn’t remember who this man was, but I smiled reflexively. The man had obviously stopped like me, and was looking at me with a very surprised and puzzled expression on his face before he also smiled. (...) The both of us smiled pervertedly at each other for a long time, but neither recognized the other. Honestly, when I looked at him, I felt as if I had seen him somewhere before. But on closer reflection, that was all it was. I simply felt that he was familiar. (...) The two of us shared a look, but we really couldn’t remember, and were both a little embarrassed. The old fellow with glasses was amused. These old Beijingers were slick and had seen all kinds of things. He gave us a roundabout: “Do the two young masters know each other? Let’s not stand here blocking the elevator door. When you meet someone you know, you’ll remember.” As he said this, he invited the other party in. Pink Shirt shook his head as if it was inconceivable, looked at me thoughtfully, and then turned and walked into the inner hall. He had only taken a few steps when he looked back at me again. — Daomu Biji Volume 7, ch. 6 'Auction' & 7 'Auction Part II'

much like hei xiazi, xiao hua is established as mysterious and somewhat unfathomable in a way that niggles at wu xie who can't remember why it is he recongnizes this man he to all intents and purposes should never have met given they don't run in the same circles and live in areas quite far apart. he takes note of how apparently disinterested he is when he notices that xiao hua is sitting across the iron triangle on the upper floor of the auction house, seemingly on his phone utterly bored out of his mind or acting like he's above what's happening really:

I looked carefully and saw Pink Shirt in a box on the left side opposite us. It seemed that he was alone and playing on his cell-phone. (...) Basically, it seemed like this was the only item being sold today, so all these people had come prepared to win. Thinking that, I looked at Pink Shirt, who wasn’t far away. He was no longer playing with his phone, but arrogantly sitting on a western-style sofa, and staring at the ceiling with his arms crossed. — Daomu Biji Volume 7, ch. 8 'Feast for Collectors', 9 'Memories Part I

but of course he's very much paying attention, as pangzi points out:

He took no notice at all, and simply wiped it with his hand and continued: “It’s time for a break, and when the second half comes, I bet another two million gets added. Goddamn it, this Fat Master has learned a lot today.” (...) He pointed to Pink Shirt again. “This guy is also very good. He’s been playing with his phone the whole time and hasn’t even raised his head. He rang the last bell just before the break. It seems he’s determined to win and doesn’t even want to compete. — Daomu Biji Volume 7, ch. 11 'Lighting the Sky Lantern'

and this is where we come back to how in some aspects he and hei xiazi are actually quite similar in their approach, in a way that's markedly different from how ultimate note sets out to contrast them almost glaringly. both he and xiao hua cultivate a persona of nonchalence with a devil may care attitude, but behind the false ease and approchability, there's a calculating and efficient mind aware of its surroundings at all times. in a similar way, very quickly you also realize that xiao hua, far from the prim and proper young master he's presented as in ultimate note, is quite literally just as unhinged.

from the moment xiaoge jumps into action to fight the restaurant security staff for the qilin seal, xiao hua jumps to fight him too, except contrary to ultimate note, this isn't in an effort to save face and throw huo xiangu off because he's working with wu xie, and again, he shows himself to be calculating and cautious:

Between one thought and the next, Poker-face flashed like lightning from my side and jumped straight down from the second-floor balcony. His behavior left me stunned, and screams could be heard everywhere. I saw him make it to the ground and turn over swiftly before I heard another round of exclamations. I turned to look and saw Pink Shirt had one hand holding the railing of the gallery, while the other hand was in his pocket. He also jumped down and landed in front of Poker-face. On the other side, Fatty gave a loud roar, grabbed a stool, kicked down the screen, and rushed at the hotel staff who rushed in. The scene was a complete mess. (...) A man who rushed up was knocked down by Poker-face, and Pink Shirt was protecting the front of the glass cabinet. The two men looked at each other but hadn't yet come to blows. — Daomu Biji Volume 7, ch. 11 'Lighting the Sky Lantern', 12 'Wreaking Havoc in Heaven'

until wu xie finally manages to get downstairs with pangzi, at which point he finds xiao hua, ass handed to him by xiaoge because it's xiaoge, but instead of angry or surprised or any number of appropriate reactions at being beaten up, the maniac is smiling gleefully. and wu xie understandably thinks it's really fcking weird:

When I came downstairs, the glass cabinet with the seal had been broken and the thing inside had been taken out. Poker-face was looking at the seal carefully and had no intention of leaving. Pink Shirt was getting up from the ground, clutching his neck and coughing. It appeared he had already been beaten once. When we walked past him, however, we saw him coughing, smiling, and looking at us as if he were very happy. I went up to the stage and told Poker- face to take the seal and get away quickly. As soon as I turned around, I saw Pink Shirt approach me and say, “Hey, Brother.” Fatty and I looked at him. Fatty lifted the table and Pink Shirt immediately waved, “Wait, wait!” He took a business card from his pocket, handed it to us, and pointed to the imperial seal. “I won’t stop you. Here’s my contact information. When you want to sell the stolen goods, call me.” Damn it, I said to myself, definitely not a serious person. Fatty actually went up and took the business card, and Pink Shirt made a gesture of invitation. I was so anxious that I pushed them aside and rushed out. — Daomu Biji Volume 7, ch. 13 'Huo Xiuxiu'

it's at this point we also get introduced to huo xiuxiu (best girl who i could also talk tbh) who's also an absolute gremlin who teams up with xiao hua partly at huo xiangu's behest to test the iron triangle. which is where get into the entire portion of book that couldn't be adapted, and is the part the ultimate note actually changed significantly, because the iron triangle aren't on the run from huo xiangu, she's the one sheltering them. and so xiao hua's real introduction comes in the form of an elaborate scheme between him, huo xiuxiu, and huo xiangu wherein he disguises himself as huo xiuxiu thanks to the bone-shrinking technique, so successfully even xiaoge doesn't detect it until all three of them clue into something being very wrong, at which point he attacks them, gets his ass handed to him by xiaoge again, and once again finds it hilarious and the challenge has made him want xiaoge around clearly:

He staggered but didn’t fall to the ground. At the same time, I suddenly saw him pull a strange dagger from his sleeve, which seemed to be an antique. Holding it in a reverse grip, he rushed towards Poker-face. I immediately shouted “Be careful!” only to see that Poker-face was no longer in his original position. At the same time, a lightning-quick shadow flashed through the air and instantly knocked the man out with his knee. (...) I knew that the real malicious one was this guy, so I didn’t feel an ounce of pity for him as I helped Poker-face subdue him first. When “Xiuxiu” got up from the ground, his whole body suddenly stretched out in a strange posture. He suddenly got bigger, his shoulders widened, his height increased, and the mask was torn from his face. When I looked at him, I immediately recognized Pink Shirt. He was gasping as he laughed: “It hurts way more getting hit when shrunk to that size. No joke.” (...) Pink Shirt rubbed his joints, smiled, and then came up to me and patted me on the shoulder. He turned and nodded to Granny Huo: “Yes, you have a good eye.” Then he pointed to Poker-face and said, “This guy belongs to me." — Daomu Biji Volume 7, ch. 30 'Get Down to Business'

so essentially, all this was a very long-winded way of showing that xiao hua, before we even know his name and identity, is established as unpredictable, ruthless, calculating, faux insouciant, and a particular flavor of playful that wu xie clearly finds unhinged and is extremely put off by for a hot minute, mostly because he's not aware (not is the reader at this point) that xiao hua's entire life has forged him into finding amusement and challenge in unorthodox things.

in the same way, it's directly because of this that contrary to ultimate note (and even any of the other early dramas like lost tomb 2) he's also absolutely not immediately ride or die for wu xie despite knowing very well they're childhood friends. he abandons wu xie, who as per his assessment was in all likelihood dead or dying, to secure his own escape before coming back to find him, which is the point where wu xie finally realizes the single greatest point of divergence between them. up until then, both wu xie and the narrative make a point of establishing parallels between wu xie and xiao hua, and here finally, what divides them is made clear, and the narrative establishes them as two sides of the same coin separated by this one split in personal code of ethics:

He apparently didn’t rush to check on my situation after I fell into a coma, but continued to climb inside instead. He reached the end of the crevice, completed his task, and then came out to see if I was dead or not. I couldn’t help but feel a little upset. I didn’t know whether this could be considered a ruthless or firm mentality, but he obviously didn’t feel burdened by it. I had finally found a difference between the two of us. But since I didn’t have the physical strength and didn’t want to break our tacit understanding, I didn’t bother expressing this emotion. I knew that when it came to this industry, the habit of desperately rescuing your companions didn’t exist. There seemed to be a kind of prior agreement where two people decided to save themselves if both parties were in danger. It was actually very fair if you thought about it. It was true that Xiao Hua was uncertain about my situation at the time, and even I would hesitate to go back and rescue someone if I were him. I couldn’t help thinking of Fatty and Poker-face again. If they were here, the black-haired corpse would’ve had his head cut off before he could scratch my back. Or I would have seen Fatty rush out from those pottery jars and screw everything up. But I would have been saved. At that moment, I felt an extreme sense of insecurity, more than I had felt before. Although we were three people now, I was really only responsible for myself. It was a very disconcerting thought. At the same time, I suddenly understood why Xiao Hua hadn’t been grateful but angry at me for going into the cave to save him. He was used to solving his problems by himself. Before he did these kinds of things, he had already accepted that there wouldn’t be any backup or help. He wouldn’t blame anyone for his own death, nor would he blame himself for others’ death. Was this the Mystic Nine’s mindset? I felt a chill in my heart. — Daomu Biji Volume 7, ch. 53 'Snake Bite'

and to be clear, this doesn't mean xiao hua is a bad person, nor does the narrative present him as one. it's simply the point where both wu xie and xiao hua diverge clearly when up until then they'd been presented as eerily paralleled. the difference between lies in where this mentality and stance is one that will eventually cause wu xie much grief and trauma when he's forced to adopt it during sha hai, it's simply one that xiao hua adopted too long ago to function without, and has stopped dwelling on if he ever did. similarly, xiao hua takes even longer to finally look at wu xie and see his use and welcome his presence genuinely, where before he'd still been cultivating the same easily approchable persona, though wu xie poked several holes into it before then:

Xiao Hua gave me a meaningful smile, “I found another reason why Granny Huo asked me to bring you. To some extent, you’re also a knowledgeable little shit.” I grinned, thinking that these words made it sound like he didn’t want me to be here before. — Daomu Biji Volume 7, ch. 55 'Unlock the Password'

from there, once xiao hua begins to truly open up to wu xie as a friend rather than a burden he's been forced into babysitting, he very quickly picks up on their similarities and what divides them as well, and in a show of almost uncharacteristic mercy, tries to spare wu xie from the ruthlessness he's accustomed to adopting to an extent when wu xie is forced to impersonate wu sanxing and confront just how ugly and lawless the underground business is. it's why this particular scene with panzi is incredibly touching in that despite confronting him with the responsability behind his choices, he spares wu xie from having to have literal blood on his hands, and in that way spares the version of himself he could have been had life not twisted him the way it has:

“Tonight is the key,” Xiao Hua said. “We just need a person to ‘cash’ in on our ‘achievement.’ Pan Zi has to come forward to determine how many people are on our side. Then, Wang Ba Qiu and Lao Liu will be eliminated later tonight.” I was completely shocked, “What do you mean?” “Never put something off until tomorrow. This is Master Three’s rule and Wang Ba Qiu knows it very well. He won’t wait for death.” As Xiao Hua spoke, he looked up at the sky. “It’s going to rain blood tonight.” I gave him a surprised look, “You can say such terrible words without batting an eye. How do you do it?” Xiao Hua smiled, “My grandfather said that sentence, and my mother relayed it to me. I was only seventeen when I heard those words.” As he said this, he sighed, “Stress is the kind of thing that when you talk about it, it’s gone.” I frowned and felt a sudden burst of fear in my heart. I never thought this kind of thing would happen again. “Must it happen like this?” I asked him. “Why don’t we call the police anonymously and have them kill him?” “Mr. Naïve is a fitting nickname,” Xiao Hua said. “If I were your Uncle Three, I might have found a way to keep you naïve, but I’m not. Little Master Three, let’s face reality. This was your choice.” I was silent as I looked at Changsha passing by outside the car window. I remembered that Pan Zi had said something similar to me before. Indeed, this was my choice. (...) While we ate, I asked Xiao Hua when the evening’s events would begin. He merely smiled without saying a word and kept making me drink. It was a kind of wine I couldn’t identify by taste, but I suspected it was mung bean roast, which was the kind of beverage grave robbers used to drink. Not only did it have some crystallized sugar and medicinal ingredients in it, but it had a spicy flavor and tasted like mung bean soup. After only a few drinks, I got drunk without warning and didn’t even notice when I became muddle-headed. When I woke up, it was already the next morning. Xiao Hua and Pan Zi were lying on the sofa in my room, both covered in blood and sleeping soundly. I looked out the window at the bright sunshine and knew that everything was over. — Daomu Biji Volume 8 Part I, ch. 10 'End of the Act'

looking at all this (and this is is my purely my own opinion, so take it with a grain of salt), my main issue with ultimate note xiao hua (and heihua by extension which i'll get into briefly) is that he's not only in some aspects a little to a lot OOC, he's mostly a lot more one-dimensional where book xiao hua is anything but

as far as heihua as a ship goes, they don't actually interact much if at all until much later in canon, even if you interestingly discover in sha hai that it's implied that hei xiazi is working with wu xie on the sha hai project at xiao hua's behest, and that much of his trust in wu xie and his plan stems from xiao hua's trust in wu xie:

It was really a heavy loss. Why did he encounter such tragic consequences every time he tried to emulate Lei Feng67 and do good deeds, while doing unethical things often made him a lot more money? Was he being cheated by partnering up with Xie Yuchen and Wu Xie? He found it very interesting. He seldom completely ignored the details and promised others he’d do something. If he was part of a certain plan, then he had to know every aspect very well— not only his part but the others’ parts as well This was the only time he was doing something he knew almost nothing about, and the only reason was: “You just have to trust him.” He hoped doing this wasn’t a stupid decision. If this thing failed, then he would blacken the Wu family’s and Xie Yuchen’s credit himself. — Sand Sea Part III, ch. 117 'Fleeing Cockroaches'

there's also a fun bit in part I where hei xiazi, before disappearing to retrieve wu xie and wang meng from beneath the sand in gutongjing, leaves li cu with a backpack and a phone with one number he tells him to call for help, and once li cu actually calls it, you understand it's xiao hua on the other end who's entirely nonchalent about it:

Li Cu trembled as he picked up the phone, pressed the call button on reflex, and put it by his ear. After a while, he heard a voice from the other side say: “Who is it? Who called me just now?” “Well…I’m a messenger.” Li Cu said incoherently. “Someone asked me to give you a message.” He thought that after hearing this, the other party would reply to him and say “talk” or “wait a minute, I’ll find a quiet place” in a very low, solemn voice, but the other party said indifferently: “I’m a little busy now, can you call me back in thirty minutes?” Li Cu paused for a moment and thought, you’re even giving me orders now, before he said, “But this message is very important.” “My business is also quite important. If he’s really in such a hurry, why not come to me instead of asking you to call and give me a message?” The other party continued, “I’ll talk to you in thirty minutes. It’s okay if you don’t call.” At this point, the man hung up. — Sand Sea Part I, ch. 40 'Unique Number'

and it's arguable that much of the vagueness stems from the very real necessity of secrecy that the whole sha hai plan demands, but while much of this reads as "oh? he's inconvenienced? that's too bad, also i'm busy at the moment please call back at a better time", given how his character has been established before, it's safe to say this isn't the genuine annoyance and exasperation you get from him in ultimate note wherever hei xiazi is concerned, he's far too enticed by chaos as a form of vaguely perverse amusement. it reads far more (again in my opinion) as how much of heihua's dynamic that i've seen play out in the books goes, that is to say them prodding at each other in a giant mutual game of chicken where they're both grinning inwardly or outwardly like the gremlin trashmen they are

the entire premise of restart part 2 is the iron triangle and the baby triangle needling xiao hua into gossiping about hei xiazi because he's late to their get together, to which he happily complies because oh boy that's this week's chance at getting a tally on the prod sheet.

i'm not entirely sure this is coherent or at all what you were looking for, and is definitely way too long woops, but uh. that's my xiao hua/heihua word vomit? i guess? book xiao hua and/or heihua enthusiasts are very welcome to add onto or debate any of this, i leave the rest to the real experts 😂

#how is it that the first meta i write is for xiao hua #and heihua #when neither are my brainrot blorbos #i clearly need to do this for pingxie #or general lore #or wu xie #or xiaoge #but those would be actual books atp #please send help #meta #xie yuchen #heihua #dmbj #dmbj meta

30 notes · View notes

mulderscully · 5 months

Text

okay whatever i'm high and oversharing, so i am once again thinking about whether closure is something worth pursuing with my ex best friend.

brief summary. ex bestie was always prettier and more popular than me. she is a huge extrovert while i'm an introvert, you know the deal whatever. so somehow we're best friends in 6th grade. like idk in a few months i would've walked over hot coals for this girl. did i have a gay crush on her? i truly do not know. i think abt is constantly and i have no idea! but her love and approval was like... i NEEDED it.

then after a while she would get annoyed with me and drop me as a friend entirely. for months. no contact, nothing. then she'd tell people i was up her ass etc while we weren't friends.

then, she'd come back. she'd start talking to me like nothing happened and i'd come crawling back to her with open arms every damn time.

this went on for YEARS. months of promises to be maids of honor and friends til we die and sleepovers and laughing til we couldn't breathe. then she'd drop me. suddenly and entirely. this went on til the summer my mom died sophmore year.

those last 3 months my mom was alive we were not talking because she was mad at me for god knows what knowing my mom is ACTIVELY DYING. then the night my mom died she was the first person i called and she just immediately knew and RAN over to my house for like the first time ever. and she stayed with me all night and we became friends again.

then she never dropped me again. she went off to college and i stayed at home working and she'd call me every night, she'd come visit me, i would visit her. FOR FOUR YEARS. the longest we ever went.

then she went to grad school in miami and i cried the entire day she moved bc i knew she would never come back. this was her dream and she got it. and she asked me to come with her. for free. i said no, okay. i said no.

then we stopped talking. not a dropped thing just. she got a girlfriend and a busy job and it was just natural. but it hurt to call her and feel like i didn't know this person anymore, esp with how our friendship started and i started getting freaked out tbh.

so one december. i think 2018? i can't even remember! she comes to visit for christmas. we make plans for dinner and i made reservations and like. i'm literally at the restaurant when she texts me that she can't come bc she's too exhausted. and i just immediately started crying and left and decided i would never talk to her again.

and i only really believed that when i checked insta that night and she was out partying instead of with me.

and i was like i'm never talking to her again.

and i never have.

she texts me. says happy birthday. tells me she misses me.

but... i can't talk to her now. because i miss her so much and i hate her so much and i hate that she doesn't even KNOW i'm mad and i'm mad because i feel like she SHOULD KNOW. she should be sorry for EVERYTHING and she just is completely unaware and i don't know if that's unfair or not.

she invited me to her 30th bash in miami this december and i'm like so you still know i exist. what am i to you? did i ever matter to you as you did to me? why did you walk all over me and why did i LET you?

i just so badly want to ask her these things and still never talk to her. but i know... idk she makes me weak in a way i can't even explain to myself so idk if closure is possible or worth pursuing. but if i truly never talk to her again, it'll plague me til the end of my days that i didn't try? god i don't know.

broken hearts on christmas are 0/10 bc it comes back every year

#personal.

27 notes · View notes

veliseraptor · 6 months

Text

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by @feralkwe - thank you! I feel like I've done this before but if I have it's been a minute so

1. How many works do you have on AO3? across pseuds I have 1,010 works. with my "current" one I'm at 607. that is more or less my entire oeuvre, though there's a fair number of short fics on tumblr I haven't gotten around to crossposting though I'd ostensibly like to at some point. eventually. maybe.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 4,873,723. aYIKES. but hey closing in on 5 million! wonder when I'll hit that. I bet I would if I posted my unfinished wips for the mcu tbh

3. What fandoms do you write for? ever or currently? the list of fandoms I have written at least one fic for (not counting ones where the one fic was a crossover) is [deep breath] the mcu, the untamed/mdzs, supernatural, the silmarillion, a song of ice and fire, black jewels trilogy, wheel of time, doctrine of labyrinths, death note, the caliban leandros series, avatar the last airbender, kinnporsche, doctor who, buffy the vampire slayer/angel, gentleman bastard sequence, marvel comics, harry potter, temeraire, good omens, code geass, realm of the elderlings, greek mythology, dragon age, sandman, dexter, lymond chronicles, the firekeeper saga, lucifer (the tv series), crimson peak, kushiel's legacy, the x men movies, chronicles of narnia, twilight, and a couple other small book fandoms.

i used to be a lot more multifandom than i am now in terms of what i wrote for, and have been writing fic for which is how this happened.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? Not my favorite fics, for the most part. They are:

Life in Reverse (MCU)

With Absolute Splendor (The Untamed)

some good mistakes (The Untamed)

half a league onward (MCU)

The Villain Wrangler (MCU)

5. Do you respond to comments? I do not. I feel bad about it, but (a) I don't know what to say, (b) I feel unbearably self-conscious/self-important trying and (c) I already have too much I'm trying to do in my limited time/too many obligations I have placed upon myself to add another one that will just stress me out. Again, I have all kinds of guilt about this, though, which probably kind of defeats the (c) purpose of not doing it.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Almost certainly Mercy, though it's possible I could dig up others; that's the literal murder-suicide one, though, and I'm pretty sure I've only written one of those. I've written a lot where one character dies but another survives and has to live with the grief, which is arguably worse? but I still think Mercy wins. once there was a way to get back home might give it a run for its money, though.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I've actually written a fair amount of fic with happy endings! just mostly they have to suffer to get there. but trying to think of fic with a straight happy ending...I feel like I wrote some fairly fluffy fic in Black Jewels Trilogy fandom that I don't want to link to because I don't think it's very good. Maybe Life in Reverse, honestly? That's a fic where I tied up most things and resolved them in a pretty happy way.

Oh, or actually With Absolute Splendor might qualify.

8. Do you get hate on fics? I have in the past! Not a lot, but it happens every so often. Usually I just delete it, tbh; it doesn't feel worth leaving it there and I'm certainly not going to respond to it.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Sure do, primarily for pairings that are dysfunctional in one way or another, and for the most part I want the sex to say something about the inner life/psychology of the characters I'm writing. truly plotless smut does happen but I find it weirdly difficult. I have to do so much pre-justification work for my smut, at least in my head if not on page.

a lot of what I write at least has a little bit of kink or D/s flavor to it even if it's not explicitly written as such (and a lot of it is at least a little explicitly written as such). I also like to write about power dynamics (in sex) and sex that's sublimating some other emotion or desire, if that latter makes sense.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I used to, but not anymore, and I probably won't; I don't know why, but I'm just generally not a crossover fan these days. But I did write a Lord of the Rings/Cthulhu Mythos Morgoth/Cthulhu fic back in the day. No, I'm not going to link it, you can find it if you really want.

The Scarlet Pimpernel/Black Jewels Trilogy might be objectively weirder but it was because of an RP and therefore feels more reasonable to me.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I had forgotten about it until just now, but yes, actually. Including one that actually got reposted on AO3, which takes a particular kind of guts that's not the same as reposting on Wattpad or the like, imo. (I've also had fic scraped off AO3 and reposted on other sites.) The person took it down when I called them out on it.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? I have been fortunate enough to have a number of fics translated into a few languages! I was curious which ones so I went and looked, and it looks like I've had fic translated into Russian, Chinese, and Japanese.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I've started co-writing a fic but never finished one.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? Might have to give this one to xuexiao, though there's a lot of room in my heart for many ships! that's just one that hit an incredible number of my favorite things squarely on the head several times, leaving me concussed and helpless. It's so much, you guys.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? There's a number of my MCU wips that I look at and am like "yeah what I have of this is good actually, too bad I'll almost certainly never finish it", among which is Dead Superheroes Walking, the fic about everyone who died in Infinity War being trapped inside the Soul Stone and having to work together to fix the ensnappening from the inside. I have about 3/4 of it written if not more and the remaining quarter will probably remain unfinished. It was Wanda POV and a lot about Wanda and Loki bonding.

another one is the one where Hela decides instead of fighting Odin to strategically back down and plan to overthrow him later, and therefore is around while Loki and Thor are growing up. I really liked what I had of this one, and really enjoyed writing Hela's POV, but again. don't think I'm going to end up finishing it.

I have a whole folder called "MCU Salvage" that's basically my MCU wips that I parsed out because I was like "these are pretty good actually, maybe someday I'll have the motivation to return to them", which is probably delusional but, well. one never knows.

16. What are your writing strengths? I think I'm pretty good at dialogue - I love to write characters having conversations, probably to a fault - and, when it comes to fanfiction, characterization.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Worldbuilding for sure is one. I hate it, I don't think I'm very good at it. also description - I feel like I lean heavily on dialogue in fic and tend to go light on descriptive language. this is probably partly because I'm not a very imagery-focused reader, so I don't think a lot about creating a "visual" with my writing, but also because I just don't like doing it as much as I like writing about internal thought processes and interpersonal verbal exchanges.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I almost certainly would not do it, as someone who is monolingual and has zero confidence in my ability to do it right in a way that wouldn't read absolutely awfully. The one exception to this is in Lymond fic, and that's because the canon did it first, so it is fully justifiable for me to have this guy spout off in five languages in one fic. Otherwise...not since I tried writing a fake Phantom of the Opera fic mocking bad Phantom of the Opera fics.

19. First fandom you wrote for? I always say Wheel of Time because that's the first fandom of my heart but technically I wrote a crack Harry Potter fic before I wrote for Wheel of Time. But in my heart it was Wheel of Time. That was certainly my first fandom in any meaningful sense of the word.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written? This question is my nemesis. My favorite fic I've ever written changes at least once a month. I have a series for this on AO3 that I'm going to link to as a lazy answer to this question even though that's sort of 50 of my favorite fics, so sue me, I've written a lot of things over the years and I actually do like a fair number of them, even if you have to make me say so.

tagging uhhhh @highladyluck, @curiosity-killed, @ameliarating, @gloriousmonsters, i'm not sure how many people i'm supposed to tag for this but if you want to do it, go ahead?

#lise memes #confessions of a frustrated writer

29 notes · View notes

emiliosandozsequence · 29 days

Note

what scifi media do you like?

OH ANON I HAVE SO MANY. i'm so glad you asked 💕💕💕 (tagging @gorydean too so she sees 💕💕💕)

gotta start first and foremost with the sparrow series by mary doria russell as my blog is basically just a shrine to it at this point. amazing book and definitely recommend it if you love found family, first contact, trauma, tragedy, and the abandonment of the faithful by g-d. huge massive trigger warning tho. everyone says the second book isn't as good as the first, but i completely disagree. i think they're bitg equally as good as each other; the second book just takes awhile to get to the most insanity inducing parts whereas the first one starts out strong with that and keeps going until the end of the story.

i would have more books to recommend, but i've only just started REALLY getting back into reading after several years of not reading as much due to a variety of reasons (mostly trauma and chronic and mental illness). that being said, i have an insane amount of films to give you to watch instead of books.

gotta recommend my all time fav film (or one of the two anyway), the fountain. most people...don't like this movie because they think it's hard to understand and doesn't make sense towards the end (i had to watch it several times to get it), but please please please watch it. it's a beautiful film both visually and plotwise as long as you give it a chance 💕

sound of my voice is softer in terms of scifi, but still definitely scifi. it's another film that lets you decide what to believe. it's also another film people tend not to like for whatever reason, but i think it's extremely well done and the ending is so 💕💕💕💕💕💕

cloud atlas. very much a story in the same vein as the fountain taking place over different timelines. another beautifully done story about how everything and everyone is connected throughout space and time. ofc my fav timelines are the ones with robert frobisher and sonmi-451. i do also recommend the book, but i liked the film better because of a few of the changes they made.

sunshine is one of my fav films ever and i've loved it since i was in high school and first saw it. it reminds me a lot of three body problem in the sense that antagonist (idk if i would exactly call him a villain even tbh) is using g-d as a reason for the things he's doing. there's a few deleted scenes i wish they'd kept in because it really emphasizes this, but even so, this film is gorgeous in so many ways.

i origins. if u can't tell already i'm a huge brit marling fan and i think this is one of her best stories. again: you get to choose what to believe and you really have to watch the whole film for the pay off, but it is so very much worth it. i think i've actually only ever watched this film once, tho idk why bc it's genuinely one of my favs.

looper is another film that idk why more people weren't into it. the setting is dystopian. i was trying to think of a way to explain it in a few short sentences like i have the rest of the films here, but it's one of those films also that i think going into it knowing nothing is better. the kid who plays the rainmaker is so fucking good too. he's not even 10, but he played that role perfectly.

elysium. EVERYONE KNOWS DISTRICT 9 BUT NO ONE KNOWS ELYSIUM. i stand by my opinion that this film would be infinitely better if diego luna were the main character instead of matt damon, but even so i really love this film. the score is gorgeous. also lmao we for real might be living in this universe soon if elon fixes up that space hotel he wants to do fucking rip

ender's game. the author is a homophobic and transphobic dickwad who actively gives his money to anti-lgbt organizations, so watch this for free if you can (and buy the books second hand), but i actually really enjoyed what they did with this film. a lot of people thought it was too rushed, but also like....ender's game is a very Dense book, so i understand why they did it the way they did it. also the score is amazing.

signs. another film involving g-d and religion seen through the lens of scifi and first contact. this film gets shit on a ton for reasons i do not know, but it's actually really well done. it scared the ever living shit out of me the first few times i saw it tho bc i did Not grow up watching horror.

knowing. another film involving g-d and religion seen through the lens of scifi and first contact (can you tell i have a type of film/media i like???). this film also scared the ever living shit out of me when i first saw it to the point i had to sleep with the lights on, but in all actuality it isn't scary at all (i was just 14 and had never seen a thriller before lol). i really love disaster films tbh, but this is one of my all time favs (next to greenland).

another earth i did not like when i first saw it. i thought the whole thing was kind of pointless and didn't make very much sense, but the more i've thought about it since then, the more i've understood it. funnily enough, i never watched it a second time, but it's brit marling, so i probably will eventually. again: definitely recommend.

lucy. listen i know this has scarlett johansson in it and none of us like her, but this film is good despite her. i thought it was going to be dumb as hell when i first saw it, but i actually ended up liking it so much that it's heavily inspired the next novel i'm planning on writing (a scifi space opera about a girl becoming g-d).

origami. okay this one is difficult to find and you WILL have to buy it if you want to watch it (trust me: i have searched FAR and wide for this film in any other place and vimeo is the ONLY place i found it; it's only $5 to rent on there tho), but it's so worth it. it's worth it. it's one of my fav films and i watched it purely because of francois arnaud and i'm glad i did. this literally is his best work imo.

ink is my all time hands down favorite film. idk if you would even call it scifi, but i love it so much i just wanted to talk about it. it very obviously had zero budget, but they used what little money they had VERY wisely and the result was this beautiful film. the story makes me sob every single time. actually it's quite similar to origami, so if you like one, you'll probably like the other.

tron: legacy is another film that people shit on and idk why. it has The Best religious imagery. like how are you going to top one of the programs falling to their knees in prayer as flynn passes by????? the whole thing seems to be a jesus/judas metaphor anyway and i'm crazy for that shit. gotta mention the score as always because daft punk knocked it out of the park (people shit on the score too and i really don't get why).

thelma. i watched this one a whim with a friend and i cannot recommend it enough. i feel like it was kind of popular on here when it first came out bc it's a sapphic film, but it's also just very good in general. i've seen people get super upset about it also bc their interpretation makes it lesbophobic (which is crazy to me but whatever.

melancholia. i did Not like this movie for the longest time, but then i watched it recently and finally Got it. i guess you really do have to be a certain level of depressed to understand this film, so if you're insanely suicidal and can barely function like me, then i recommend it. you will probably get some catharsis out of it like i did. it is a very Strange film tho.

the creator came out at the end of last year and it was so good. definitely my fav film to come out in the last few years and involves g-d, religion, and AI. the score also in this is great (everybody say thank you hans zimmer. again.). the ending makes me sob so much.

more that i love a lot, but not as much (apparently there's a character limit, so i can't explain why these are my favs too, but it's for similar reasons as above).

the matrix trilogy

the fifth element

snowpiercer

blade runner 2049

as for tv shows, i don't have as many, but i do have a few that i would highly recommend if you like any of the films above:

halo. again: everyone shits on this show, but the absolute TRAGEDY of it is the fanboys hate it bc they suck and are bigots and everyone else who would like it (LIKE MY MUTUALS) refuses to give it a chance because of its overall reputation, so i'm BEGGING YOU GUYS TO GIVE IT A CHANCE.

foundation. genuinely fucking good. so much of what the creators of this show have done to change the story has been for the better. i read the books and they were okay, but the show is so so good. idk when season 3 will be coming out, but hopefully soon (same for halo, which i actually like better than this show).

the oa. i will forever mourn what we could've had with this show. i can't even talk about it without getting choked up. this getting canceled really truly fucked me up.

castle rock season 1. technically a horror series, but this season is more scifi than horror, i think. everything really comes to a head in episode 9 iirc and that episode still makes me crazy when i think about it. i definitely need to do a rewatch.

firefly/serenity. you've probably heard this one recommended before, but there's a reason for that. it's really so good, but g-d and jesus hate me because it too was canceled before it could even finish ONE SEASON. thankfully there's a film that kind of ties everything together, but WE COULD'VE HAD SO MUCH MORE.

i tried to put in some movies that aren't talked about as much on here!! i also have several letterboxd lists dedicated purely to scifi, which you can find below.

holy holy holy (scifi (and other films) involving religious imagery or straight up just about theology

the sparrow cinematic universe (films that are either discussed in the sparrow or remind me of it or that i could see the main characters watching)

but it was my body. it was my blood. and it was my love. (films that i either genuinely believe could be based off of the sparrow or just remind me of it in some way)

per aspera ad astra (scifi films i have seen or heard of. this literally is every single scifi film i remember ever in existence so it's quite long)

also mainstream scifi that i recommend/am obsessed with

interstellar

dune series (wer'e talking about the books here; not whatever the fuck denis villenueve pulled with the films lmao)

district 9

annihilation/southern reach trilogy

ex machina

prometheus

pacific rim

arrival

event horizon

mad max: fury road

nope

mobile suit gundam series (mostly hathaway and g-witch tho)

star wars (mostly the prequel and sequel trilogies)

nausicaa of the valley of the wind

castle in the sky

inception

tenet

high life

aldnoah zero

hanna

real steel

86: eighty-six

this is so much longer than i meant it to be omg. anyway people do not call me the scifi queen for no reason.

#ask #anonymous #long post cw

13 notes · View notes

transfem-tomboy-oni · 2 months

Text

I feel like I should jjust give up on all my "good" qualities and stop trying to be a "good person" and fighting sgainst all my bad qualities. I. I start to feel like there's nothing good coming of it for me, and not enough good for anyone else to actually keep bothering with me.

I feel like the positive things I get told the most is that I'm nice, and that I'm beautiful.

But. Apparently I'm not enough of either for people to... stick around.

I don't know. Even now I don't know what to write. Cuz it might might people unhappy. But.

Maybe I'll try to let what I feel out, for just this once;

I do my fucking hardest, successfully too most of the time, to make people happy, to help them, to make them feel comfortable around me. Cuz all my life no ones ever done that for me. In school people gave no two shits about me, unless it was to make fun of me or get their homework done easier. FOR 9 DAMNED YEARS. Then I switched schools. I guess I had friends. Friends that, as soon as they were not forced to be in the same classroom as me either cut contact or essentially bullied me online. Since then I haven't made friends in person. My own mom has been there for me. As in. Provided for food, entertainment and ignoring my existence otherwise. I got hugged by her for the first time I can remember when I tried offing myself and telling her that I thought I wasn't worth anything and she didn't love me. She graced herself to hug me long enough so I stopped crying and then pushed me away and went back to watching TV alone telling me to go cuz SHE NEEDS A MOMENT. My dad is just inept. Nice. Trying his best. I guess. I used to see him once every 2 weeks, and we talked like 2 hours maybe, where he left me completely to myself otherwise. The person I had contact and an actual "friendship" with the longest eventually started using that friendship and manipulating and breaking apart my entire friend group to just fucking use me as his damned sex toy whenever he felt like it. And I didn't realize for what? 8 or more damned years. That friend group is now so splintered and fucked that I don't even know what the fuck to do about it. Do I still want them? Do they still want me? Pretty sure they don't enjoy me around anymore tbh. Newest friends I made are from therapy or from tumblr, and it's like 5 people in total, 1 if which I haven't talked to in 2 months as I assume she doesn't give a shit about me anymore, at least not that I could tell. And I still really really damned like her but I wish I fucking didn't cuz it's fucking tearing me apart. I suppose I got used to her being there for me and when she wasn't when I was at 2 of my absolute lowest points my mind just broke or something idk. 2 of them I met in therapy and one of them is nice but doesn't have time, which is okay but also annoying to be honest, but it's not her fault I suppose, and the other ignores me whenever she can. The newest 2 ppls I met are nice but I feel like they either are scared of me, I guess at this point rightfully so or don't actually care.

I keep saying that I'm not super likeable when you stick around me for too long and everyone always tells me they don't think so but somehow the only people that seem to have sticked around for years either did cuz they had no choice or in one case because they didn't actually like me and just enjoyed my body.

So. My honest feelings, no one actually cares about making me happy. I want to be treated the way I try my hardest to treat everyone else. I. I'm tired of having and making friends. I can't bear it. I can't bear being alone either. I have been for too long. I. I want this to end, not my life, just this this this dambed conflict of everything. I feel such conflicting things. I'm trying my hardest to make things right for everyone. And I feel like I am not getting enough back to even keep me going until 30.

Love is conditional. And I don't think I am capable of meeting these conditions. Besides all my hatred for how I'm being treated. I still only blame one person. Myself. For just not being good enough.

I wasn't wanted in this world. I was conceived on accident. And I feel that in the way my mother treats me.

But I hoped that maybe someone else doesn't.

Maybe I'll be able to hold on long enough until I can find someone that does want me. Maybe.

I hold so much hope. For such a hopeless person. Such a hopeless world. I wish I could give up.

#nem's ventposting

14 notes · View notes

bestworstcase · 8 months

Note

It’s fascinating to me to read the anon you got (and your extremely well-thought-out response) about Penny’s transformation being distasteful, because I’ve always had an instinctually viscerally negative response to that particular critique of the scene. My issue isn’t with your analysis, which I think stands up, but specifically the complaint that “Penny’s transformation is bad writing/symbolically hurtful, because it takes away the thing that makes her unique/means she no longer has to struggle to be perceived as real.”

I don’t think the text supports the idea that Penny disliked her transformation, or was more comfortable in her robotic body than in her new human one. Her finally getting to feel hugs is probably the single purest moment of joy in all of RWBY. I agree with you that it may have been disconcerting for her to have to re-learn how to fight as a human, but I think it’s entirely possible that Penny herself would say it was worth it—in those moments, she’s as happy as we’ve ever seen her.

Through that lens, the critique of her transformation is pretty distasteful, at least to me—Penny has always longed to be a “real girl.” Is the argument that she (or you or I, if we were given the choice) should have rejected the opportunity to get something she’d always wanted, because then she would no longer be unique? Is it morally better for her to remain a robot even if being a real girl is what she wants? This is probably just me pitting my own projection against someone else’s, so feel free to ignore it if you don’t feel like it adds any value to the discussion. But this has been one of my biggest RWBY pet peeves going back 2+ years, so I felt like I had to write this out.

tbh i think where a lot of folks get tripped up is with expecting rwby to handle the 'sapient robot' character in the typical way of that character's foremost concern being do i count as a Real Person?

but, like. penny raises that question once in a context where she a) clearly expects ruby to freak out, and b) is clearly trying to preempt the freak out by explaining what she is in the simplest, most straightforward terms. "you're my friend, right? you promise you're my friend?" / "you wouldn't understand" / "i'm not real" — but look at how she responds when ruby goes what? of course you're real, you've got a soul! "you're taking this extraordinarily well." and then "you're the best friend anyone could ever have!!"

<- to me that does not read like penny genuinely thinks she isn't a 'real person' so much as that is what she is primed to expect ruby to think, and she's terrified her new (only!) friend is going to reject her, so she tries to sort of... soften the blow by saying it first.

only ruby does not think that. at all. and that's the last time penny describes herself as "not real" and she generally seems to be quite comfortable in her skin as a robot. after that point the only time it's ever a pain point is when she reacts to other people treating her like a Thing instead of a Person. and like i said, that's very wrapped up in the broader narrative of dehumanization and authoritarianism going on with atlas, hence why this arc for penny is so intertwined with winter's.

all that to say, i don't really buy into the interpretation that penny ever had a problem with Being A Robot so much as she had a problem with the way people Treat Her As A Robot (and i think cinder is used narratively to make the point that obviously penny receiving this new flesh body does not make the people who saw her as a Thing before suddenly realize that she's a Person instead).

& that's why personally i see her loss of the robotic body as loosely equivalent to yang losing her original arm. it's acutely traumatic not so much because the new flesh body is weaker but because that's her body and she loses it in a pretty horrible way, and in an ideal scenario where the evacuation went off without a hitch and penny made it to vacuo in one piece, i imagine there would have been a major period of adjustment, both physically and emotionally, as she processed that loss.

her new flesh body is more akin to yang's prosthetic arm—it's not bad, per se, and certainly there are things she can find to love about it, but i would expect for her to have complicated feelings about simply because the way she got it is rooted in this traumatic event. and then just in terms of the before/after on her physical capabilities, objectively surviving the virus in this way is disabling, and that's a big thing to adjust to.

is that better than dying? yeah absolutely. and penny isn't the type who would resent her own survival simply because it came with some unpleasant consequences and big changes to adjust to—absolutely, she would think this was worth it to have a chance to live her life freely. same as yang chose not to regrow her arm in V9.

and there's no moral value to put on robot body over flesh body or vice versa; i think applying the 'robot vs real girl' lens to a story that so emphatically rejected that dichotomy right out of the gate and then went 'the real problem is this exploitative, dehumanizing military state that treats everybody like an expendable tool' is a bit disingenuous overall. what makes a person a real person in rwby is whether they have a soul, and it's stated upfront in no uncertain terms that penny has a soul. she's never not been a real girl. my read on her is that what she always wanted was to have her personhood respected moreso than she wanted to be 'real'.

35 notes · View notes

gay-jesus-probably · 11 months

Note

You're so right about the racist and imperialist bullshit, and something tragic to me is that this does not feel in the slightest like Zelda. In BOTW at LEAST, she's shown to actually be very smart, and while it's understandable (although not excusable) that she would have this worldview due to being raised thinking Hyrule is always right, it just really feels like she should be examining this more closely and seeing problems with it. But Nintendo won't do that, in no small part because they're cowards.

I would talk in detail about how mad I am at how they portray Ganondorf and the Gerudo, but I will spare you the 50 page essay

NO COME BACK I WANT THE ESSAY

Okay but in all seriousness though, idk, I do sort of feel like this is still fairly in character for this Zelda. I found BOTW (and Age of Calamity) characterized her as someone who is very... I don't know, traditional? To an aggressive degree, even when that adherence to tradition is actively hurting her. I mean, the closest she ever comes to actually trying to defy her fate is when she gets mad at a rock that one time. Which comes at the end of her having spent about 60% of her entire life standing in ponds and praying at said rocks in the hope that maybe this time it'll work out, because that's what she's supposed to be doing. It's canonically mentioned somewhere she almost killed herself accidentally as a kid, because she refused to get out of the damn prayer pond until she collapsed from hypothermia. Like yeah, it's fucked up that she was expected to do that... but she never thought there was anything wrong with her having to do that. She just figured she was the problem for not getting the magic at the right time.

And the narrative backs her up on this, because once she has her divine powers, BAM, all her problems are solved. She's a calm, confident leader who knows exactly what to do in every possible situation, no matter what. BOTW Zelda is an extremely passive character tbh; she seems very determined to be exactly the person she is expected to be, and she's not remotely interested in actually examining if those expectations are correct.

(though in regards to her being smart they did kinda do her dirty in TOTK; why the hell did Mineru need to fix the knockoff sheikah slate for her. zelda canonically is interested in sheikah tech. why tf does an ancient person that's never even seen a sheikah slate before need to repair it for her, NINTENDO EXPLAIN)

Anyways, and in regards to her morals... I gotta say, while she was at the point of being able to do the hard work to self examine and walk it back, BOTW Zelda definitely read as a possible baby nationalist to me. I mean, let's be real here, she is incredibly priviledged; she's the future ruler of the damn kingdom by Divine Right, and has spent her entire life being told that. And at the same time, she has really low self esteem... and no inclination to try and change the situation that's ruining her self worth. Which is how you get that one memory of Zelda using her privilege to abuse her indentured servant (indentured, because let's be real here, Link does not have the option to just quit his miserable job), knowingly tries to get him in trouble (if she runs off alone and gets hurt, it's Link's fault for losing her in the first place), and is disturbingly cool with dehumanizing him for being stuck doing his job ("It seems I'm the only one with a mind of my own around here"). And she uses her station to publicly humiliate him at one point, because that ceremony at the sacred ground was fucking painful to watch, and let's be honest here... there's no way in hell it was only the four champions attending this apparently really important ceremony; there was totally a crowd that was cut to avoid having to model all that shit.

Not that she was actively trying to humiliate him, but like... she's the one with all the power in this relationship. Link is a knight of the kingdom, and she's the soon to be Queen. Link is going through all those memories well aware that Zelda can and possibly will destroy his entire life the second she gets the chance. My point is, Zelda is extremely privileged, and it's her responsibility to understand that and be careful not to abuse her power. But the game never even suggests that she notices or cares about it. I mean fuck, even after she stops actively abusing Link, I still don't think she treats him very well. I mean for fucks sake, that one memory with the frog is really upsetting to me - she's certain her and Link and friends and everything is fine, but the power dynamics have not changed. She's still got him at a massive disadvantage, but she doesn't even hesitate to demand that he eat a live frog on the spot so she can see what happens. I liked to think that she was actually trying to make amends with Link for her mistreatment of him, but the game never really shows proof of her trying beyond the most shallow gestures possible (really? you gave him some food, and that makes up for abusing your indentured servant? that's the whole process?).

And all things considered, in TOTK, I... do not see any evidence of her having gotten better. She's just gotten worse, and I can see that as being a trauma reaction; she's basically lost everything, and now she needs to rule a kingdom after a century holding back an apocalypse. I understand why she wouldn't be in a place for self growth after that. But the unfortunate fact of life is that trauma and terrible situations can bring out the absolute worst in people - not to bring real politics into this, but after WW1 Germany was absolutely ruined, as the winners of the war imposed some completely impossible demands on them. People were starving and desperate, and that drove the country into fascism. So that's how we get TOTK Zelda - someone who is absolutely certain that divine forces make her the single most important person in the room at any given moment, Hyrule is a perfect and superior kingdom that can do no wrong, and anyone who disagrees is pure evil and must be destroyed. As for her treatment of Link... I honestly don't see it improving much. She still treats him as more of an object than a person, at least as far as I've seen - the last she saw of him, he'd suffered a horrible and traumatic injury, and yet she just takes it as a fact that he will be perfectly able and willing to take up her fight in the future; what else could he possibly be doing if not serving Zelda? That's his only purpose in life, of course he'll still be willing to do exactly as she orders.

Also jesus christ, the cult of personality built up around Zelda in game... there's so many red flags there. Despite all the genuinely monstorous shit that the fake Zelda pulls, nobody even considers being mad at her for it, even when they're still certain she's the real deal. She's the Divine Princess, of course she can torture and brainwash her subjects without consequences if she wants to, and her victims will still love her for it because they're certain they deserved it. No matter how dark things get, nobody even gets annoyed with 'Zelda' for hurting them. They're just scared that they've done something wrong to upset her, and worried they might not be able to serve her well enough.

(Can you tell the whole thing with Yunobo and the Fire Temple pissed me off, because that was infuriating)

It's good if a ruler is loved and respected by their people of course, but the level of blind devotion she's encouraged is... worrying. Of course, that's only there because the writers love Zelda and can't have let anyone question their precious favourite character, but I'm looking at this from a Watsonian perspective, and that perspective makes for a very disturbing picture. A good leader wants their people to feel safe contradicting them and asking questions. But instead we have people putting so much blind faith in her, they're completely willing to strip naked and walk into monster dens without weapons, because they think that was her orders, and they would never question Princess Zelda. And in universe, a group of researchers being ready to commit suicide on her orders is framed as being a touching sign of their devotion to her. If she was actually a good leader, then she would be horrified that her research team almost killed themselves over misheard orders; but Penn happily comments about how great it is that people would slit their own throats for her amusement, and Link never tries to correct him, suggesting that yeah, she actually does want her people to be willing to kill themselves at her command. Or at least Link finds that completely believable and in character for her.

And at the very least, things like that show that she's not interested in building an environment of equal communication and responsibility. Zelda is rebuilding a Hyrule where the royal family is the ultimate authority, and people should be willing to die before they even consider questioning her orders. So of course Ganondorf is pure evil and must be destroyed - he had to be asked repeatedly before he would kneel before the Hylian throne. Doesn't he know he's an outsider, and therefor inferior to the Divine Royalty? He refuses to accept that his race is inherently lesser to the Hylians, so he must be evil.

I mean, that in of itself is a pretty interesting story; the Hyrule established in TOTK is dark, and the entire culture is genuinely horrifying. This setting is extremely bleak, and I'd be interested if we could actually explore the implications of Link being expected to uphold this dystopian nightmare, and slowly turning against Zelda as he realizes how she truly sees the world.

But that's a nuanced and interesting story, so that's never going to happen; instead we just get this absolute shitshow of a plot, and like 75% of the fandom firmly ignores the racism and imperialism, because what kind of madman would actually want to be immersed in the story and worldbuilding of a role-playing game.

#tears of the kingdom spoilers #alright guess i wound up giving the essay #but yeah this whole plot has massive facist vibes and i hate it a lot #fuck zelda and fuck hyrule wheres my guillotine #ganon was 100% justified. sonia and rauru deserved to get their shit wrecked by him #i mean come on the arrogance of intentionally letting him try an assassination just so you can pull a 'gotcha'?????#unbelievable. and i hold zelda equally accountable for their decisions btw #because she's the one benefitting from them in the future during her own reign #she has ever reason to uphold the power of the throne and not let anyone question them.#dont think i didnt notice she was the only sage that didnt have to swear blind obedience to rauru. nintentdo whats up with that.

62 notes · View notes

emblazons · 1 year

Note

I'm the last anon. I forgot to point something.

Do you think Henry stating that Brenner wasn't a monster but just an ordinary man seeking for special things in other people can make El realize Mike isn't her savior but just an ordinary boy who admire others for what make them different?

Not trying to say Mike and Brenner are the same, but they do have been paralleling/contrasting each other. Mike is a good person and has good intentions, but his insistence in seeing El as superior is not good for her nor to their relationship.

!!! okay I finally got a chance to answer this—and yes, I absolutely think those two ideas are meant to be connected for her (though I'm not sure she's parsed them out yet). Its one of the first thoughts I had watching part ii as a little-deeper than GA way back in July of 2022, so...its not even my ongoing analysis brain that brought it up (though its definitely expanded since then lol). Let me see if I can explain.

forewarning: this is really long and probably the most brutal anti-mlvn post I've ever written. It is not intended to be cruel to Mike in the slightest, but. In order to talk through the narrative, I must address what is going on in El's mind, and tbh...it's not all that pleasant in anyone's direction but Max's & maybe Hopper's at this point.

The entirety of S4, El is repeatedly presented with people attempting to challenge her oversimplified and depressed sense of self and others, given that, in the time since she's lost Hopper, her first home, her friends and her powers, she's been desperately trying (and failing) to sort through her place in the world.

Please note that the depression part is absolutely critical...because it's how Vecna can so easily influence her thinking, both via what she sees in NINA memories and during his monologue to her in Piggyback scenes.

We see her do it with Mike:

We see her do it with Brenner:

And we see her do with with Henry/Vecna:

—and as she goes along learning from each, we watch her come in contact with more nuanced (potential) self-concepts each time.

With Mike, she gets a fellow 14 year old with no framework for powers trying to navigate El's complex existential crisis he's spent several months unaware of and has no equivalent context for—which is why he pulls on her being a "superhero" so much. Its how he understands her, and what has been most obvious to him over the years; she's saved him, saved Will, and saved Hawkins in just the few years he's known her, and that (in his very nerd-oriented mind) is something worth celebrating and being excited about, even in people who don't have superpowers.

For him, El is not a "tool" necessarily...but the oversimple "superhero" side of her certainly overshadows the rest for him. Its why they struggle so hard in a "normal" romantic relationship—interpersonal closeness and emotional intimacy isn't what their bond is built on, though they do care for and want to protect one another.

With Brenner, she gets a more mature (and yet still power-focused) person who is familiar with her powers and past enough to give more nuanced insight, but who is also 1) abusive, manipulative and selfish and 2) has never looked at El, Henry or the other numbers as human beings, but rather tools to accomplish goals. Even so, Brenner is an adult, and therefore understands that El cannot move forward understanding herself so simply because his own actions require complex jumps and justification to make sense to himself—

—and also because, as anyone who has see themselves change over time knows, we do not keep the same oversimple self-concept of ourselves as we age, make mistakes, and grow. Brenner sees the girl with powers, and knows what she's capable of...just like he (and Owens, honestly) knows that she is not truly evil or monstrous despite having great destructive capability. The "monster" in him though is very human-oriented...which is why El so often finds herself associating Mike's insecurities within Brenner's manipulation.

Disclaimer: that last sounded bad for Mike, but: he is literally 14, and not trying to manipulate or abuse El in any way, shape, or form. Mike Wheeler is really just insecure kid who makes mistakes thrust into an extremely unusual situation, trying to do his best with the knowledge he has. Even so...immature and under-informed people often do things that mirror mature people with legitimately cruel intentions—one is just an adult aware & intentional about the tactic, where the other is a boy who isn't.

With Henry/Vecna though, El finds an true equal, but as a foil—the actual "monster" to her "superhero," though we spend the entire season realizing that even Henry cannot be parsed down to something so remedial or one-note as "monster" either.

Henry is someone who is almost exactly like El, down her powers and being abused/manipulated by Brenner—though she's made different choices, which is the radical difference between the two of them (and one I think will be core for her to learn as we move into S5).

While Henry and El are in fact quite identical in many ways, its the choice El made to say "no" to Henry when he asked her to join her + her resistance of his desire to overpower others (which he himself notes)—on top of her desire to protect others' lives and autonomy in a way he does not that makes her good!different, rather than the bad!different Henry is.

Even so...the similarities of experience and struggle they've had at Brenner's hands make what he says resonate with Eleven—because, as we all know, some of the best villains are the ones whose concept has clear mirroring within the protagonist, only a shade off (think Killmonger and Black Panther).

Its pretty clear then, why this long lead up through Mike, Brenner and Henry presenting her with increasingly complex concepts of self & humanity would make her reflect on Mike (+ their relationship).

From the beginning, Mike' finding El and taking her in first fits him (for better or worse) squarely into the "males whose presence in my life has been formative" corner—which is why we get Mike/Hopper, Hopper/Brenner and Mike/Brenner comparisons/parallels throughout course of the show this paragraph deserves a whole post on its own, but I'm trying to stay on track here lmfao.

Its also why this line in particular (and, finally, to your point) serves as a brutal reminder that El and Mike are incompatible—not because Mike himself is doing anything to harm El, but because Mike, like Brenner for her and Henry, 1) focuses on her powers and 2) has no framework for understanding her feeling different the way she wants (and needs) to be understood.

Given that El has already confronted Papa (and left him to die for what he's done to her) and she believes Hopper is already dead—

the only person left (truly guilty or not) in the line of people who 1) were integral to forming El's understanding the world; 2) tried to tell her how she should use her powers; 3) put up resistance to her autonomy; 4) lied to her and 5) could not understand her in her difference...is Mike Wheeler—

—who she already disappointed with, who is entirely unaware any of this shit is happening within her, and who is also being encouraged by an only slightly less unaware (and in love) Will Byers to "be the heart" and lead the party like he would a campaign.

...these are also the circumstances we get this supposedly "romantic monologue" in...and where we see him reference (and remind El) not only the moment he took her in (aka ended up in one of the inadvertent authority positions she's currently rebelling against), but also the fact that he thinks she's a "superhero," (which she doesn't believe about herself after Henry's monologue).

It's no wonder then, why she seemed uncomfortable af with all he said during the entire monologue...or why she ignored him the rest of the season (except, we learn, to say to Mike that Brenner—someone she can't stand, and who she's now spent a solid chunk of this season internally associating him with—was right).

Basically: the fact that a deeply conflicted and depressed El found kinship with a manipulative Henry (while simultaneously feeling rage at Brenner...and Mike by PTSD association) means that the displeasure she feels at Brenner and everything is gonna come out at another figure who has mirrored the things she is rebelling against—her very unaware boyfriend, Mike.

Hopper isn't there to balance as a "positive" adult male perception for her either...which leaves Mike in the wildly unfair position of being the "last man standing" for the parallel sadness & rage El feels about being different, much like Henry.

That is why Vecna saying that Brenner was an "ordinary, mediocre man" now has an immediate association with Mike in El's mind...one that is just another nail in the coffin of their romance, and that she will have to pull out of her perception if they're going to heal even on a friend level from the disaster this season has created in S5.

—I will say that the presence of Max as contrast through all of these moments is critical, as Max is the one person who has asked her who she is and what she wants, as well as who parallels El signs of internal conundrum about how she sees herself (that El overhears when she enters the void). Max is also the one who reminds El of the autonomy and positive human identity that El so wants for herself.

Hopper coming back and reclaiming the spot as a positive (actual) father figure that El has been projecting onto Mike in his absence is critical as well, considering his presence (and knowledge of Mike) will likely temper the brutality El is directs at Mike in her weakest moments of the season too). But...that is a whole other post, and I've already written (another) novel.

#this got so long but I NEEDED to give the whole framework to be fair to how we got there. at leastin my mind lmao #also...yeah this is a much more thematically dense post than my usual ones just fyi #anti mlvn #el hopper #mike wheeler #martin brenner #henry creel #vecna #my st commentary #my s4 rewatch #because that's what got me to this point haha #stranger things #parentified mike

61 notes · View notes