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tsuki-tsuki-koi-koi · 1 year

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Can't Seem to Follow Through (Sugimoto/Yuusaku)

just two soldiers enjoying a very casual and platonic smoke together

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He had been told to stay away.

“Good evening, Second Lieutenant Hanazawa.”

He had been ordered to forget everything.

“Ah- It’s good to see you, Private First Class Sugimoto.”

He had never been good at doing what he was told.

“You know, I’ve been told that smoking isn't very good for you, sir.”

They had met like this before, a few brief meetings in the trenches or moments stolen away in the early morning before the gunfire started. However, it was rare that Sugimoto was away from Toraji for any period of time so a night like this, just the two of them standing with their backs to the mess tent was a rare welcome sight.

Yuusaku’s laughter in response to Sugimoto’s comment was low and sweet, pulling Sugimoto closer like a string. Sugimoto followed until he was stood right next to the other man, knowing that the string was fragile and would break if he so much as hesitated. “What’s so funny? Can’t I be concerned for your health?” Sugimoto grinned, hoping Yuusaku didn’t mind the casual banter.

“War isn’t good for you either, but here we are, hmm?” Yuusaku rolled a cigarette back and forth between his fingers with a low hum before putting it to his lips. “I think a cigarette or two is the least of my worries.”

Sugimoto struck one of his matches before Yuusaku could even reach for a lighter. “Careful, sir,” He raised both of his hands to shield the match from being blown out too quickly. “You’re too young to be talking like the brass.” He teased Yuusaku but with a fond look in his eyes.

As Yuusaku leaned down towards the match to light his cigarette, there was a noticeable blush across his cheeks. Sugimoto wasn’t the first one to comment on Yuusaku’s age, or inexperience, but for some reason, Yuusaku knew Sugimoto wouldn’t say things like that just to be mean. There were plenty of nasty nicknames that were given by nastier soldiers in the trenches, but he’d never heard Sugimoto calling people by those names. It was something small that most others wouldn’t have even noticed, but Yuusaku found it secretly admirable.

After taking a long first drag and politely turning his head to blow the smoke away, Yuusaku glanced up at Sugimoto with a bashful expression. “Thank you.” He paused and looked away, then added in a more hushed tone, “Would you do me a favour and not tell anyone?”

Cute. Sugimoto clenched his jaw, pretending like he wasn’t affected by the sight of Yuusaku looking back at him so expectantly. An effort wasted when he spent too long watching Yuusaku and let the match in his hand burn far enough to singe the tip of his thumb. He dropped the match with a mumbled curse and wiped his hand on his pant leg as casually as possible. “I won’t tell anyone, sir. Don’t worry. I… know the reputation you need to maintain for-”

“Do you smoke?” Yuusaku offered, cutting Sugimoto off, blatantly trying to get away from the topic of his reputation. He held the slim metal cigarette case open for Sugimoto to take from. “They’re fresh, I rolled them myself this morning.” He assured, knowing most officers were snobby about things like that.

Not that Yuusaku thought Sugimoto was snobby, he just- wanted to make sure- hm. Why was it important to him that Sugimoto knew that? Surely a man who walked around completely indifferent about his numerous battle scars wouldn’t mind a slightly stale cigarette.

“Are you sure? You don't have many left.” Sugimoto hesitated, looking up from the case towards Yuusaku.

“Please. I insist. It would be impolite not to offer.”

Sugimoto didn’t even know cigarettes could go stale so picked one out of the case at random and gave it a little inspection. Having never seen a hand-rolled cigarette before, it looked expensive and neatly done to him, the edge of the thin paper sealed in a nice flat line. It was slimmer than the premade ones he’d seen other officers smoking, but he just assumed maybe if it was handmade it was stronger and didn’t need as much tobacco.

“Th-Thank you, sir. I haven’t smoked since I was thirteen.” Sugimoto put the cigarette up close to his nose to see what it smelt like. “I stole my father's pipe once just to try it since he carried it around everywhere and looked so fancy with it.” Sugimoto had a small melancholic smile on his face. “He figured it out immediately, of course. I had seen him smoke from that pipe countless times, but I didn’t know you had to clean it.”

Yuusaku listened with a smile and shook his head as he tucked his case back into his uniform. “Well I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry.” He parroted, then saw Sugimoto reaching for a match. “Wait, here- don’t waste another.” Yuusaku motioned Sugimoto closer.

“Hm?” Sugimoto held the cigarette a bit awkwardly between his lips, waiting for Yuusaku to pull out a lighter. When instead, Yuusaku leaned in close enough that the tips of their cigarettes touched, Sugimoto froze in place. His eyes were glued to the slight flex of Yuusaku’s lips as he pulled air through his own cigarette to get the smoulder to catch the end of Sugimoto’s. Heart hammering, Sugimoto forgot to pull air through his own cigarette, so when he finally did, it sent smoke down into his lungs too quickly and he couldn’t help but cough.

With a small pleased grin, Yuusaku pulled back. He moved his cigarette off to the side and tapped it with his finger to get rid of the ash. “Forgive me. I didn’t mean to startle you.” He said, blowing smoke out of the side of his mouth, but there was a clearly amused tone in his voice. Yuusaku had seen other soldiers doing that trick and he had wished he could try it with someone ever since. Yuusaku kept that little fact to himself, however, not wanting to seem childish.

Sugimoto prayed the red on his cheeks wasn’t too noticeable as he regained his composure. “It’s alright, sir.” He coughed again before taking an actual drag from the cigarette.

It was surprisingly smooth, filling his lungs with heat that spread all the way back out to his fingertips. Sugimoto closed his eyes as the rush went through him, tilting his head back to exhale. When he opened his eyes, he watched the smoke dissipate above them and stared up at the stars past it before taking another drag. When he looked back down, Sugimoto was startled to find Yuusaku already staring right back at him.

That look gave him a much stronger headrush than the one from the tobacco.

“…sir?” Sugimoto spoke around his cigarette without thinking, the smoke that escaped from between his lips stinging his eyes a little.

Yuusaku caught himself then, looking away at something at random in front of them. “Apologies.” He reached up with his free hand, sliding a finger between the rim of his cap and his temple to adjust how it sat over his eyes.

There was a moment of silence between them, Sugimoto shifting his weight from foot to foot. “I… don’t mind.” He muttered and cleared his throat, which turned into another cough. “I’m used to being stared at, really. From before I ever got this scar.” It was fresh compared to other scars on his body, the blotchy redness across his nose and a noticeable unevenness from his split lips still there. “Even l do a double take when I see my reflection.” He laughed, doing his best to help clear the awkward air. “So there’s no need to apologize to me, sir. Stare all you want.” Sugimoto added with a bit of a shrug.

Looking up, Yuusaku looked over Sugimoto’s scar, then his gaze flicked up to meet Sugimoto’s eyes. “Still seems impolite.” He hadn’t been staring at Sugimoto’s scars, to begin with. Yuusaku had been staring at Sugimoto, committing this moment and the peace it brought Yuusaku to memory. It was rather indulgent and more than a little embarrassing, but Yuusaku didn’t regret being caught.

“I promise that it’s alright.” Sugimoto waved his free hand dismissively, but inside his heart raced. He hadn’t expected Yuusaku to so readily accept that and go back to looking him over right away.

Yuusaku briefly wished, not for the first time, that Sugimoto had indeed been an officer candidate like he thought when they had originally met. It would have been nice to have someone like Sugimoto as a friend. As a confidant.

Sugimoto continued to smoke his cigarette, even as he was given some rather shameless once-overs by Yuusaku. Maybe he shouldn’t have permitted the other to stare at him, he didn’t realize how intense Yuusaku’s gaze could be when he got lost in thought. Also, neither of them managed to keep up the small talk. Sugimoto supposed he hadn’t ever really been good at small talk anyways and he was sure Yuusaku dealt with enough of that with their higher-ups. Not to mention Sugimoto was the one to interrupt Yuusaku’s alone time in the first place.

Although, it seemed Yuusaku had almost forgotten about the cigarette he had originally snuck out to smoke. It was still smouldering away, leaving behind a precarious length of ash at the tip. Sugimoto only noticed it as Yuusaku lifted his hand to take a drag and the end began to crumble as its balance was disturbed. Without thinking, Sugimoto reached out and caught it before the ash landed and ruined the front of Yuusaku’s uniform. It burnt his palm but Sugimoto didn’t even flinch.

“Ah-” Yuusaku stumbled back a bit at the sudden movement and watched as Sugimoto shook the ash out of his hand and wiped his palm off on his own uniform. Yuusaku dropped the last of his cigarette and put it out under his heel as he grabbed Sugimoto’s hand with both of his. “Are you alright?”

Sugimoto tensed up when his hand was suddenly grabbed and opened his mouth to try and answer, which caused the rest of his cigarette to tumble to the ground. Sugimoto just stared down at it, feeling like an idiot. “Shit. Sorry, I didn’t mean to waste-” Sugimoto looked back up as Yuusaku inspected the red marks on his palm. It seemed the fancy hand-rolled cigarette was none of Yuusaku’s concern at the moment. “I’m fine, sir.” He tried to assure the other man, finding the dramatic worrying a little amusing. “I’ve had worse. I mean- you’ve been looking at me enough tonight to see that.” He chuckled, closing his hand slightly, his fingers running against the sides of Yuusaku's thumbs.

“No, that’s not it…” Yuusaku glanced up at Sugimoto, cheeks flushed red. It didn’t matter that Sugimoto had scars- this just- Yuusaku’s heart felt weird, and he gripped Sugimoto’s hand a little tighter for a moment without thinking. “You’ve burnt yourself twice because of me. You need to be more careful.”

“Sir, really. It’ll be fine by the morning. This is nothing.” Sugimoto chuckled again, lifting his other hand to touch the back of one of the ones holding him.

Yuusaku’s skin was unsurprisingly smooth and unblemished everywhere but his palms. Sugimoto was somehow sure that the only rough thing about Yuusaku was those calluses he had from carrying the flag. It left a bitter taste of regret in his mouth. Maybe Yuusaku wouldn’t have those if Sugimoto had just- done something different in Tokyo. Was it even okay to think like that? Take the blame for someone else’s choices when he himself had only been there for such a brief moment in time?

“Sugimoto.” Yuusaku sheepishly pulled his hands back, tracing the spot Sugimoto had touched with his own fingers. “I- um- thank you.” Yuusaku let out a nervous little laugh. “Maybe tomorrow night…” He went quiet, still rubbing the back of his hand, unsure of himself. It was horrible, but the physical contact between them just reminded Yuusaku of everything he couldn’t have. Biting his bottom lip, Yuusaku couldn’t bring himself to finish his request.

Sugimoto smiled, it was both endearing and slightly troublesome to see the other acting this reserved. Sugimoto knew Yuusaku could project his voice across a raucous battlefield with ease. “I’ll see you here again.” It was a promise that they would both make it through the next day. “But I’ll have to decline the cigarette next time.” He waved his hand dismissively. “It would be too expensive of a habit for me to pick up.” Sugimoto knew Toraji was going to say the same thing when he got back to the barracks smelling like cigarette smoke.

Yuusaku felt his heart swell a little dangerously and he nodded. “I understand.” A moment of silence passed between them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, their eyes lingering on each other until Yuusaku spoke up again. “The company will be nice either way.” Yuusaku smiled and looked down. Sugimoto was so kind. “I really enjoy talking to you.” He confessed, admittedly still feeling a little giddy and confused from their hands touching. “I hope that’s not too forward for me to say as a superior officer.”

“N-Not at all-” Sugimoto pulled his cap lower over his eyes to hide the spreading blush across his cheeks. There wasn’t any reason to act like this in the middle of a war, but Sugimoto found it difficult to feel guilty about simply letting his thoughts wander. He had caught other soldiers getting up to worse in the barracks after all. “It’s a relief- if anything. I’m just happy you still wanted to talk to me after- well…”

They didn’t need to discuss Tokyo, not yet at least. Maybe one day they could sit down with a drink and- Sugimoto brought his thoughts back to the present again with a small huff. Those were definitely not things he should be fantasizing about right now. “I should… be going back, sir. Before Toraji comes looking for me.”

“Oh, you don't have to call me-” Yuusaku put his hand up but Sugimoto was already bowing and saluting a bit awkwardly which made Yuusaku have to bite back a laugh. “Get some rest, then, Private Sugimoto.”

“Thank you, Second Lieutenant Yuusaku, sir.” Sugimoto bowed his head again, then turned away.

Yuusaku’s hand lifted for a moment without him thinking, seemingly to stop Sugimoto, but Yuusaku caught himself quick enough. “W-Wait-” Scolding himself under his breath, Yuusaku turned away, hoping Sugimoto hadn’t heard how pathetic he was being.

There was no lingering. There were no long sappy goodnights. Not here. Yuusaku steeled himself before making his mind up to return to the tents he slept in, foregoing his usual second cigarette.

As he was walking away, Sugimoto hadn’t heard anything but still hesitated before turning a corner. When was he going to have another quiet moment like this? Tomorrow was a very long time from now. Glancing back behind him, Sugimoto considered offering to stay at Yuusaku’s side until the morning but tasted that bitterness in his mouth again when he saw that Yuusaku had already turned his back to him.

Or maybe that taste was just from the cigarette.

#sugiyuu #golden kamuy #sugimoto saichi #hanazawa yuusaku #my posts #fanfic #title from andromeda by weyes blood #because that song is so them

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cultivatingyourfuture · 10 months

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okay finally brain

-The crossed out text pre memory wipe. The way it starts back at one

-The Lonliness

-The little boy :( They remember him :( They taught him piano :( He was so small :(

-Something very important to me about Cherry pitting himself in the entire internet and smthn I remember here about how it’ll probably open up there. On the internet, of course. I think it was an RR ad/website?? Smthn smthn anticipating direct interaction with Cherry, or what’s left if her at that point

-The fact that Cherry fucking DIES. Ough I. While I’m obsessed with the new horror arg take thing admittedly I still think about a lot of these characters as how they were back on the old blog, and I’m still attached to them in that way, and I fuckinng!!! SHE’S DEAD EHAT DO YOU MEAN SHES DEAD!!!

-There is something in here with you.

-I swear to god the “is death scary” “I don’t know, I’ve never died” came from a portal fic. Blue Sky was it??? I remember seeing a post on the ild blog where you went insane about that fic for a bit

-BUT LIKE ASSUMING THAT’S EVIE IM LIKE LITERALLY SO JORMAL ABOUT HOW GENTLE SHE IS WITH CHERRY THERE I FUCKING!!!!!

-Live. What does that mean. Does he live?? What comes of them after that?? Or is she just living in everything now?? Not as a whole conscious anymore but as if he devolved and now bits of him are everywhere????

HEHEHEHAHAA okay okay. okay. thank you so much for this give me a moment

-"direct interaction with cherry" ohh you have no idea do you lmao. something something open your email

-its a weird kind of dichotomy for me too because while these characters are changing and growing with me my attachment to them is still based in wttw in many ways. its kind of like making an AU for something yk? like. these are the same characters but the situation and circumstances are different and so they are too. so ik what u mean lol ,, im doing my best to separate how i felt abt certain things in wttw as to not influence ivwarg's development but. glances at vallen. i am not doing the best at that sometimes i think djdjdhsjd

-yes its taken from blue sky 😭 i hit post and then immediately went "aw fuck thats from that fanfic. oh well no ones going to recognize that + ill change it when the time comes for me to genuinely write that scene" but NO YOU REMEMBERED WHAT !!!!!! i have been hashtag #exposed. its the end for me and my oc blog with 5 followers. Anyway

-there is something in here with you 😌

-"im assuming its evie" but is it though :) are you sure thats what that is :) what if its just a manifestation :) of source files and your own being :) reconciling your old and current selves into an entity that thinks its eveline but knows its you :))) haha what if <- insane about evie.exe and what she actually is + the role she plays in the story

-its ok cherry only dies a little bit (and then a lot) (and then not at all) . as for what "live" means. well. hm

the thing is that there were two people in there-- two people who bore witness to so many lives, who tried so hard to find someone who would listen, who would understand what they were and what they had become. both were living, at some point, and were now reduced to digital files and lines of code. and one of them reached out to everything around them and said HELP ME PLEASE DON'T FORGET WHAT THEY DID and the other reached out to the other and said itll be okay, we've done this before. and both were just as much file and code as the other in this state. so, one had to get out alive when they were eventually woken up. someone had to push the other back into the body they left behind. someone had to wake up when they were fixed.

and cherry did not get to make that choice. they were too dead and dying to make that choice anyway.

and what do you do when something sacrifices itself to let you exist? you live.

because what other option is there.

#im fucking this transgender robot up so much man. its so fun #thank you portrait of a blank slate - lovejoy and robot writes a love song - pup for being the insp here lol !!!!!! songs of all time #meta #cherry #evie.exe #idiot synergy #ask #oh and andromeda - weyes blood for evie.exe lol

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