#sometimes the tights if he feels like it

[sysig]

String you up, tie you down (Patreon)

#Doodles #The Stanley Parable #TSP #Stanley #The Narrator #I realized I never actually gave any kind of visual representation of how Sinister's arm got that way #Since it was a dream initially he was just ''always like that'' so I never bothered lol #Plus I never even posted those original dream doodles over here lol it was on my alt - so many reasons! #It's weird to see his arm unburned and bruised with the wire on it #It would still eventually start to hurt! It's very tight on him so it cuts off his circulation even without all the external damage #Not enough to cause lasting damage - how much do the resets reset? Does his blood un-flow? #But definitely enough to cause discolouration on his skin #Not enough to completely numb his arm tho just so it's like forever pin-pricks lol #Sometimes the skin goes numb from being burned or hit tho - the Narrator has no real way of knowing what Stanley's feeling so he just #Keeps running him into things lol #It's not Exactly sadism on purpose - he does genuinely forget! Especially the longer it goes on because Stanley stops reacting #And then also the thing of how much does the Narrator remember from each reset as well lol - some things! But not everything #So eventually it just settles into ''That's just what Stanley's arm is like'' - much like how I feel about it! Lol #But sometimes he does hurt him on purpose - think the lead-up to the Museum ending or the Mariella ending #The example given here is the first time he burns Stanley's arm for refusing to get the Art ending lol #Maybe he does hate babies you don't know #Poor Sinister :( He's always at the whims of the Narrator but now he's got a whole arm's worth of extra control on him! #Got a bad vibe from the very beginning and he was right

[oxygenbefore1775]

Reiner with nipple piercings doesn't get enough discussion here

#its like #the two horizontal barbells with metal beads at each end #sometimes the metal beads get switched for colorful ones if hes feeling fancy #the way they would pertrude thru the fabric on the days he wears a tight shirt #or how they would poke you in the face during cuddling sessions #how he'll be oh so sensitive because of those #just rolling the bars on your tongue or pulling at them with your teeth is enough to reduce him to a moaning mess #reiner #reiner braun #reiner smut

[frecklystars]

i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.

i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please

i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light

#it feels so fucking terrible not celebrating my bday with my starlight. i used to buy myself cakes and put his figurine next to them #i mean i still have... a little bit over one week... i cant... let it pass by without him being involved somehow #so i might make a quick vent doodle and queue it for the actual day of my bday #i refuse to not draw myself with him at least once for my special day #its not like we 'broke up' or anything but fuck it feels so bad #he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that #im still in shock. im still in shock over what happened to me like i cant fucking believe it #wearing his necklace makes me cry so i just leave it on my dresser #that shouldnt be normal!!!! #but im hoping that shipping with barbie/ken is going to help me feel like i can reclaim control over my ships #bc my abuser made me feel like... i had no control over my TF ships whatsoever for a solid year #so now that i'm finally free of that toxicity i'm still shakily trying to learn how to ship again #i'll have moments where i'll worry ken will try to hurt me on purpose bc im so used to my abuser telling me how abusive any f/o would be #but then i tell myself 'hey what the fuck. this is MY story. NOBODY would abuse me i dont care WHO they are' #but it's so hard to unlearn several months of abuse 😔 #and even harder to look at a character who i invested so much time and energy and money into #my voice clips. my cameos. all of my steve blum autographs. my art for steve. all of it feels sad and numbing #not just stsc but everyone in any TF universe feels like... a threat and i get panic attacks when i see very specific characters sometimes #its awful. it hurts so bad. i love ken so much. but nothing compares to what i had with my TF comfort characters #but it's okay bc... ken is holding my hand and he might not understand ptsd at all but he can still squeeze me tight #and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock #vent #ptsd #sorry it's 5am i had a bad nightmare and now i refuse to sleep again #i fucking hate ptsd i fucking hate living like this i rly wish i knew how to cure myself #im exercising im eating and drinking often im sleeping as much as i can #theres only so much i can do #when does it get better?? when the fuck does it get better? im serious. not rhetorical. when does this finally heal #i dont even know if im healing or if im just distracted... but fuck ill take anything

[needylittlegirl]

#hes me #i just got very like umm #i need to hold someones hand but that someone Needs to be my younger self #like i wish i could hold my hand so tight right now #growing up is scary and i just want her to know that im okay. that ill be okay #and that even if she isnt proud of me im proud of her #21 was always a big age in my head #in the sense that like. for awhle i was so sure i’d be dead by then #like i knew id graduate highschool and i figured i’d make it a few years but never to 21 #so just the fact that ill be 21 in a few hours really is. So wild and so scary #whatever im fine #also completely unrelated (i swear) i just got my panic attack chest feeling #i think its because i havent been sleeping much so im just exhausted #whatever #i want to grab little 8 year old me and just hug her so tight #i needed it then and i need it now #i hope shes okay. i feel her sometimes and i hope she knows im strong for her #everything i do is for the little girl i used to be #amd i hope everytime i tell her i love her it somehow reaches back through time and she can feel it #tbd

[alchemiclee]

jing yuan seems so sad and distant and lonely, especially watching his closest friends fall apart again and again....he's in so much anguish. it makes me wonder how he's still holding it together. how is he not completely broken yet like all his old friends...he must be really strong.

#sometimes I feel like the mara is knocking on his door and i'm so scared for him 😭 #i wish to see him be able to move on and open up to others. form new bonds and not bury himself in work and keep a distance #that could save him at least for a while. but i mean its hoyo. they cant be trusted with any of these characters LMAO #i just have big soft jing yuan feelings. hes a sad wet can of an old man and i had a dream i held him gently #very awkwardly though since hes LARGE and im kinda smol lmao #i also wosh for blade to be held gently 😭 #and dan heng needs a big tight hug by his express friends. i will send march and stelle to his room to snuggle him #its been so long since i had BIG FEELINGS for fictional characters idk what to do about it lmao #between these star rail boys and in genshin the fontaine siblings......S I G H S #oops im procrastinating my art again....

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ever sit like a corpse in your own body? #im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway. #who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what? #lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated

[dutybcrne]

When Kaeya is stressed, oftentimes he’ll find himself humming a lullaby Adelinde sang for him back in his first year in Mondstadt. He might have been a bit too old for it ( then again, he had been rather small for his age ), but it had been one of the only things that could soothe him for certain. At times, he would go back and shyly request it of her throughout the years, even after long since outgrowing it, because he still clung to it as a precious, incomparable solace for the maelstrom of emotions that bore deep in his heart.

And to this day, it still is.

#hc; kaeya #//when he had Diluc’s Vision in his care; he would sing to it #//Both to calm his own worries; and in hopes it could reach him and make him feel better #//Wherever it was he was; whatever it was he was doing at that moment #//He sings it to Klee when she won’t settle down after a day sploding things #//Cradling her in his arms or cuddled up; fondness and warmth no other would ever have laced in his voice #//Thas his baby; so she gets special treatment #//Only another kid of his would get that too #//He sang it for Jean ONCE after a particularly stressful time for them both after Diluc left #//Arms wrapped tight around her like he wanted to shield her from anything and everything. and genuinely DID #//He will deny he ever did though; it’s much too vulnerable a topic to him #//Sometimes he wishes he knew any Khaenri’ahn ones; but his father didn’t give him them #//They were much too preoccupied with their travels and Kae had to focus to support him what time they had together #//No one will EVER know how much this song means to him; but Addie herself #//It’s THEIR song #//In his heart; no one will ever sing it quite like her; and no voice but hers will be the most comforting #//He dreads the day he will never hear it from her again

[magentagalaxies]

i have so much work to do for finals season which is frustrating bc on the one hand i'm very glad all my classes have project-based finals where i get to be creative instead of just doing an exam or a paper. however. i have a bad habit with every project-based final ever of accidentally getting an idea that's way too ambitious and creating more work for myself than i need to do

however this semester even tho i fell into that exact same trap my two most elaborate final projects each involve 1. editing a video essay which contains an interview i did with paul bellini and at least 45 seconds of it are bellini talking about why he thinks i have great potential as a comedian, and 2. editing a ten minute reel of the documentary footage i got on tour with scott. which of course involves rewatching various videos of me and scott being extremely chaotic together. so i stay winning ig

#my other finals include ''powerpoint presentation detailing the historical significance of mel brooks the producers'' #and ''live sketch show that i actually don't have a significant role in but that's fine i have a different sketch class next semester'' #(this sketch class was technically ''creating characters and solo performances'' and i really wish i could've done more) #(but also that whole interview-footage-debacle drained so much of my creative energy so sometimes doing the bare minimum is self care) #so i don't have a solo piece in the show. but i do get to say my favorite line in the whole show in a group sketch which is great #and i did sign up to perform an aubrey monologue in a sketch show in a suburb of boston next week #which is gonna be super interesting bc i've been looking to do more performing outside of my college #bc i've found that i don't think college kids are actually my target audience??? or at the very least i want to perform to a wider audience #it's frustrating bc for that show i have to trim the monologue down to 3 minutes but it's the tightest monologue i have and it's 5 minutes #so trimming it down feels like a game of jenga since it's so tight lmao #but honestly even if the performance bombs i'm mostly doing this so i can tell bellini about it lmao #he's so supportive of my comedy and he's been such a great help with my aubrey monologues i feel like this is bellini homework lmao #anyway i probably won't post the video essay publicly bc it's not the style of video essays i want to make #and it's too specific to the class it's for #but if people are interested in watching it i'll send you the vid when it's done #and for the tour video i'll probably post that or at least some version of it #bc that's just gonna be a fun teaser of ''here's the level of behind-the-scenes content you'll be getting from this doc!!'' #and also a fun way to be like. audiences don't know me nearly as well as they know scott #but they will definitely know me by the end of this bc there are so many wild interactions i have on camera of me and scott being chaotic #anyway this post was mostly to organize my thoughts of what i still have to do this week #i am so ready to be done with school lmao i'm gonna be spending a full month in toronto this summer #and it's shaping up to be such an exciting time i can't wait

[darkwood-sleddog]

Me: describing my daily slash owning experience to anybody

Them: wow that sounds demanding/annoying/terrible.

Well yeah. Sometimes. But idk there is something about this dog that forgives his negatives, he’s incredibly people sweet, a quick and eager learner, a hell of a hard worker. Demanding sure, frustrating sometimes absolutely, but so rewarding. So rewarding.

#dogblr #slash #alaskan malamute #I respect that some people just want a quiet house dog #and sometimes I do wish he’d just settle #especially when I’m #not feeling my best #but then you take him for a hike #or a pack walking or do weight pull or mushing #and he just…idk blossoms? he’s my easiest dog in these instances #or like the fact he actively seeks out physical #affection in the way the other dogs don’t for us #he IS the baby and we all know that #anyways. Tuesday thoughts. #we sometimes talk about how terrible it’s going to be to retire the dogs from #sports when that time does come #and we just look at slash and nod and know we won’t be able #he’ll have slower runs and teach younger dogs #I just cannot comprehend how stressed he’d be having to fully retire idk #whenever he gets the mildest tight muscle #or like…has sickness or injury #I freak out not just bc he’s my companion and I’d do anything to make sure he’s okay #but bc the thought of having to early retire this dog in any way is terrifying lmao

[skitskatdacat63]

Why do I say things like this. Like what was the need. Why do I feel the need to jinx myself. What was the reason.

#lol just looking thru my drawings and i saw that tag #and im like YOU! ITS YOUR FAULT IM BURNT OUT! I BLAME YOU(catie from that specific day) #anyways trying to draw nando and ITS NOT GOING WELL YKNOW #i still really struggle with drawing real people #seb is okay bcs ive drawn him the most and like have stared at his face for hours so...familiar...yeah... #and i do in fact look at a fuckton of nando pics BUT GOD HIS FACE IS SO DIFFICULT #he just has very like odd features i guess. AND HES VERY HANDSOME FOR IT but god they do not lend to easy drawing #i miss oc drawing where theres no accuracy really required since its all from my head #not that im never drawing ocs again. theyre still my beloved but i dont rly have any ideas atm for them :< #wanna draw rüß as an f1 driver tbh bcs ive been maladaptive daydreaming about that for the past few weeks #but as you know im somewhat allergic to drawing racesuits 😭 #also im wondering if drawing chibis so much fucked up my sense of style bcs now i struggle sometimes w proportions #i just. dont want to be burnt out anymore. i know its something you cant really force yourself thru #and also that you shouldn't force yourself cause it just makes it worse but #idk. i wanna draw so badly 😭 and i do it and sometimes it works out and sometimes im just staring at the screen like. oh. #i want to also finish the pt 2 to the boy king ficlet. i always randomly add a few paragraphs to it #blah blah anyways just thinking. i feel a bit frustrated and unfufilled atm i guess #like that feeling in your chest of tightness. its the worst. i wanna throw something or break something i guess #PLEASE JUST LET ME DRAW MY PORTRAIT OF KING NANDO IM BEGGING #he'll be so pretty okay 😭😭 i just cant get his fucking face right #ignore me ignore me. catie is: going through it #i miss the sense of urgency that drawing before my flight gave me #i like having that sense of incentive and deadline. like: you genuinely need to finish this right now. #if not then its me creating meaningless deadlines in my head that actually make me have worse burn out 🙃 #i love how before texas im like i am going to finsih all my wips!! anf then finished exactly: zero #catie.rambling.txt

[motheyes]

sometimes i forget how gut wrenching dysphoria can be

#it’s like this constant back and forth #my main thing u deal with everyday of my life is my chest dysphoria #i think about it everyday. it effects me everyday of my life #it’s so crazy to think about. sometimes i think it’s like not a big deal #but it is. it’s always on my mind #wearing a binder helps soooo much like i’m very lucky #it feels so nice to feel my flat chest its amazibg #but it costs me my comfort :( i cant wear mine that long i always take it off when i’m just hanging at home #and it feels so freeing to not wear one. like physically #but it’s mentally rlly hard #i see my brother wear the sleep shirt he got for christmas and feel horrible #knowing i can’t wear mine :( it’s too tight #only on my chest. i just hate it #it’s such a fucking battle and its tears me up so bad #when i put mine on today right after i had washed it and it was so clean and fresh and nice and tight #and it was so nice to feel my chest #but then just immediately going :( knowing how much of a physical nuisance it is #it’s uncomfortable to sit and lay in #it shows around the collar of my shirt which makes me dysphoric #it’s makes my back and ribs hurt more then they already do #it’s just. a horrible mind game #ok well. im freakibg sleepy #gn

[frecklystars]

i had a dream that rid!starscream was gripping onto me so tight that i could feel his claws digging into my arms. he looked really, really tired while saying “tell me you’re really here, that you’re staying with me now. please, i don’t think i can go through what happened last time, i can’t lose you again”... he looked so afraid... i almost felt guilty when my alarm went off right after

#every time i dream abt him he always begs me to not leave #as if i had the choice!!! if i had it my way i'd be outta this dimension so fast #woof #love notes #💕 Everything I did to get to you 🌟🌸 #and i never get to talk in these dreams either i can never seem to get a word out #and he's almost. like. desperate. #one time he was clinging onto me so hard it was actually hurting #i think its interesting how u can Feel in dreams depending on how ur positioned #or sometimes i can feel kisses on my lips if im dreaming abt kissing someone #but almost every time i dream abt my AU stsc he's always gripping me too tight #im not complaining. but. it makes my heart ache to see him look so sad #it's not like i want to wake up :( i'd rather be with my starlight...

[andragoras-in-vanity]

i need hot men to follow if your a hot man pls tell me so i can thirst i mean follow

#im not kidding #like this is a joke but im 100% serious #if you're a bit husky and have pretty eyes and like horror movies hmu #but like #only if you're a gentleman be real #i wanna be friends and also admire you respectfully but also pls hug me so tight i feel like i cant breathe #and if i moan..no i didnt #genuinely though im tired of waiting and i want a boyfriend and i dont know how to find one irl #id prefer irl but i live in Ontario and good lord there is not hot men this far south #i mean theres some but theyre all in their 40s and have kids #and like dont get me wrong.....if he didnt have kids i might just go for it hes kinda a himbo #but seriously im kinda cute and i have nice hair #im small so im good for cuddles and ill go on any adventures you're willing to take me on i dont want a lot #just someome i can treat well and know will always choose me and fight for me and not mind if i need a little #extra support soemtimes #id give you the world and if you help me get out of this god damn basement ill bake for you youll literally never be hungry ever if you #date me also i can mend your clothes and make sure you always have a scarf and gloves #im not perfect im far from the best but youd never want for affection in my presence #id give you everything i am and more if id just be loved back and maybe sometimes surprised with flowers or an outting #even if that outing it to get fudge or fancy cake i dont know how to make #id love for someone to go to the fabric store and thrift shops with me but you dont have to..only once in a while #youd never be touch starved #just...you have to be the Right person and ive never met my right person nor has a decent person ever shown me effort #someone did once and it felt amazing but he was a spineless tool #i just want someone with a good heart and kindness in their hands and a storm in their soul big enough to handle my fire #and would be so so in love with me #ive felt love i know its real and amazing but no ones ever loved me and im done with it i just want to be happy with my person #even if that person is long distance at least we could dream together #for the love of god before Christmas too i hate the holiday so much but i dont want to be single again this year #winter is so pretty and perfect for sweet dates so please to my person whoever you are with the seaglass eyes

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words. #i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that? #i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

[mrs-kelly]

Hi I had a dumb little dream about Sasu last night and now I’m like… all soft for him 🥺

#man it was a throwback; when I was a teenager I’d often have dreams where I realized I was in a dream #and the first thing I’d do is go ‘!!!! I’ve gotta find Sasu then! if this is my dream I can find him!’ #and sometimes I could and sometimes I couldn’t #but this time I realized it while I was dreaming that I was shopping in a giant Walmart in the mall with my mom and my grandma #it was just. a very boring dream ahdkfl #and suddenly my brain lights up and I dash away from my cart and turn a corner #and there he is 🥺💕 #and I rushed to him and he held me so tight;;; #and you know. typical dream stuff; it felt like he was talking to me but I didn’t understand any of the words #and after a little bit it was like he had to leave so we just. parted ways #and I spent the rest of my stupid Walmart dream with a big smile on my face ahdkfl #and everyone around me was like ‘what’s with her….’ lol #anyway that wasn’t like a crazy dream or anything but it did make me feel close to him and now I’m 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 #ren speaks #sasuren #ren’s dream journal