#so.. ive just been struggling tbh.

[androidemotions]

some name ideas bc I literally want to talk to ppl abt them but i cant really talk to anyone ?? Idk so public post on tumblr dot com ig.....

- Rayne

- forest/Forrest (spelling????)

- Phoenix

- Nichols (as a tribute to nichelle Nichols probably used as a middle name) or Nicholas (even though I dont really want a """boy""" name...... Idk)

- rea (pronounced as "Ray")

- Chris (still bc a lot of ppl call me that and it would make my life easier but idk..)

- Nick/Nicky (a nickname of a couple of the above)

- idk.. I literally dont know what to call myself I dont feel like I have an identity

- icarus (probably wouldnt actually do this irl cause I feel like ppl would idk be like super weirded out by it????)

- ive also thought abt the name "carus" but it's not a real name i made it up.....

- something celestial?? I dont really know I just like trees and stars and rocks and idk what i am

#i think the most genuine i have felt abt indentifying #is when i saw my gender as a puddle reflecting stars... #and since then i feel like i have constantly tried to fit into a more clear box. like . idk... i just feel lost and like im really no one #so.. ive just been struggling tbh. #idk what even i like or really suits me #and it feels like when i have an idea even someone thinks its really stupid or absurd and im so insecure #i just feel like i could never do it #its like i just keep trying to wish and pretend i can be normal and blend in but it just makes me feel empty... #sorry for this but if u have like thoughts abt me and what you think im like????? idk what would suit me ????? #vent / #kinda sorta #idk #note to myself #i know this probably isnt gonna help in the long run but its just smth that has been really bothering me #bc it really feels like i dony have an identity and i dont even have enough trust/confidence in myself to give me one

[autistic-beshelar]

ah yes dungeon meshi, the manga where an autistic man gets repeatedly bullied by people he thinks are his friends and not a single person supports him

#dont get me wrong i am enjoying this manga #but i'm failing to see how this is some great amazing autistic rep #like yeah laios is obviously autistic #and the struggles he has due to his autism are VERY relatable #but it's deeply uncomfortable that even the people closest to him are routinely awful to him #specifically for his autistic traits #and their bullying is almost always a joke #not a single person defends him #literally senshi is the only character that's never been cruel to him #well and farlyn but lbr she's also autistic and also has been in like half a chapter that ive read so far #maybe ive just not read far enough or not seen enough posts #but im not understanding why the fandom are treating it like amazing autistic rep and how it understands us so well #you could argue that the narrative tends to support laios's methods and way of thinking #but nothing else does #the scene with shuro was fucking awful to read tbh #'you're so annoying because you're autistic. how dare you think im your friend when you should have just guessed that i hated you' #and not a single person defends laios #or calls shuro out on what a fucking horrific way of treating a party member that is #like i dont know MAYBE you could have just said 'hey i don't really want to be friends' #maybe you could COMMUNICATE. #but no it's the autistic man who's the problem. for the crime of.... being too nice. #i don't have a problem with the scene. #i have a problem with the fact that shuro is framed as reasonable here. instead of utterly fucking vile. #i have a problem with none of the other characters sticking up for laios. #dungeon meshi #maybe ppl will start treating him better #i would like to continue reading #but if he continues getting bullied in EVERY fucking chapter as a 'joke' then idk man

[cathalbravecog]

veep dad comfort art

#veep dad :] #i have Not been well mentally tbh the second im with friends i DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE anyways ill be VENTING A TINY BIT HERE #i need excitement in my life but im like #has no social life #oopsies...! #so i thought yknow what would make me happy rn. My Veep Dad #yea thats it #also ive been struggling with motivations to play ttcc and draw so.... #apologies for being in the game less. especially as im in the post game with almost everything done #im usually kinda really goal oriented in games and yeah having no tasks or close friends to play with #im just kinda THERE and getting that initial push to do stuff is very hard #my motivation has just been at an all time zero (again) and it upsets me bc i do wanna do stuff...not bc ohh productivity but bc #i just wanna HAVE FUNNNN #anyways erm.... thanks for listening to my little rant here again. i dont know where else to express this sort of stuff. feels wrong to dum #it on strangers who i know are there for my art but. whatever. yknow #just wish i was more motivated in general but my life is Just Kinda Sad and im an Antisocial Anxious Wreck Dear Cog #senior vice president #sr vp #veep dad #personal tag if i dont wanna main tag.... #doodles #traditional art #guz art #toontown

[extremelyputridfishbreath]

so like. im not gonna beat around the bush- ARE WE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS. ARE WE??

*SLAMS THIS ON THE TABLE*

I AM CONVINCED THIS MAN DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING! THINK ABOUT IT:

The hover discs Aunt Arctic mentions automatically despawn after you use them to place the detectors/transmitters in both episodes they appear in. With the knowledge that Gary does not test his inventions often, to the point where Aunt Arctic feels the need to warn you...is that intentional feature(keep in mind you use them to access higher up areas like the ceiling of the Sea Caves)...or a bug because he did not test them? Keep in mind the discs disappear near-immediately once you're done placing objects, so you CAN end up free-falling to the ground afterwards from several feet above in the air.

Knowing this, what else is this man hiding? Sure, we know that the Auto-Warbler 3000 works...but is that because this is an invention he personally tested, or in spite of being untested? Did the Jet Tube's avoidance systems have glitches because of an unforeseen bug Gary happened to run into...or is this something he made, gave to Rookie and didn't test for whatever reason?

Keeping this tidbit in mind, is Gary knocking down Herbert's defenses because he is SO smart, or did he just get lucky? Is he better at programming than making inventions? Or does he actually test his coding skills more than his inventions? If so, why?

IF this 'brilliant penguin' was intended to be Gary (which I'm fairly certain it is but hey, CPI closed down before it's time so who knows for sure?)

Is the reason the Party Sub ended up sitting in the Sea Caves related to his tendency to not regularly test his inventions? Or was it simply because it broke while he was testing it?

Because he does not test things as rigorously as his Club Penguin counterpart (who, as we know makes up to 3000 versions of his inventions before they are considered done, and asides from some examples like Mascbot's being used at their 'near-perfect' 2999th iteration or prototypes like the Electromagnet 1000 are rarely used until then)... does Club Penguin Island Gary name his inventions with the '3000' at the end because they have been tested, or for aesthetic reasons?

#club penguin island #club penguin #gary the gadget guy #as an aside: im thinking of cpi more since i picked it back up and played through most of the adventures again #considering changing gin to an /amur/ leopard for cpi because it feels like a change that would've been made tbh #although sonata would still be an arctic fox...just drawn with a summer coat instead. i dont think id change penelope into a different #owl though...maybe? idk depends if i see any compelling swaps for her cpi counterpart #real talk i cannot believe people were dragging gary prime (as in original game gary) for the test sled when it's informed consent that #you're using a prototype when this motherfucker (affectionate) IS LETTING YOU RUN AROUND WITH INVENTIONS OF DUBIOUS QUALITY #i say this as someone with adhd when i say this man has adhd <3 working on so many projects and so many dont get finished #although tbf to ME <3 at least ive been chipping away at my lore documents lately. i mean i still struggle but yk #and yk be slacking off writing down stuff so i dont forgor isnt like. me handing out inventions that probably arent safe like candy <3 #i could be writing down important stuff right now :') oh well * points and laugh at cpi!gary * THIS MAN IS A POSER

[noxaurumque]

while we’re talking about aglaya i’ll just toss out something i’ve been thinking about. that idea of aglaya’s attraction to artemy revolving around self-preservation.

she’s the kind of person who tries to play by the rules of the game to get results (rather than defying the rules altogether.) she’s aware of the narrative in some sense, so of course she would want to be the romantic love interest who gets to live through the epilogue.

i dont know how much talk of order and rules is from her, or from the role she plays. but the idea of her romanticizing the “guy gets the girl” narrative becomes interesting to me not only because it’s what she knows will keep her alive but also because it’s what she sees as the logical and correct path.

her reasoning would be: this is how the story SHOULD go, because this is how stories ARE and therefore this is what i WANT. she struggles underneath the narrative and clearly wants to have something for herself thats real, and yet maybe she doesn’t see any other option but to play by the rules of a story.

of course she also has other motivations besides pursuing romantic love, this is just me looking at that aspect specifically.

#coindents #pathologic #i like thinking about it from this angle #because i really struggle with forced heteronormativity in stories im just so sick and tired of it #so thinking about a character being aware of heteronormative storytelling and playing along #even to the point of becoming honestly invested in it is interesting #and post-termite ending exploring the possibility of NOT being confined to these narratives and having the CHOICE of loving or not #im not even 100% sold on this interpretation tbh ive just been rotating it

[ouchhq]

am i so hard to care about?

#i need to vent and i know u guys cant stand me because i can feel it (and certainly from the anon hate) but i think im gonna have an ulcer #if i dont put this out somewhere #SH s*icide tw !!!!! #i need some advice or opinions because i feel like im losing it #i dont understand why my friends cant care about me #i know !!! i know i seem out of touch and insane because i say this so often and the question to someone reading would come natural: maybe #it is just ur perception…. maybe u suck ass as a friend too #and i do ponder about that!!!!!! i take those possibilities into consideration i do. and i genuinely dont think i suck as a friend. i always #check in. if they seem off i ask how they feel. i ask updates on their stuff. i dont think i deserve this tbh #but especially when i am struggling they just disappear #like even when i reach out and let them know im doing bad. they clearly read my measages and choose to ignore them #these are supposed to be my best friends #these days ive been so bad. and trigger warning again #i just feel so suicidal and i have been hurting myself in the desperate attempt to cope and manage these thoughts #and i dont tell them these things #i dont share the details because 1) it is too much to dump on someone and 2) they dont show any interest even on the surface level of my #problems so i just wouldnt tell them the deeper issues #i am just in so much pain. and i also feel a lot of anger because of their behavior. i feel so so hurt by it. so many years of this going on #of them just not even acknowledging my struggles while i was in the midst of them and trying still to support them and be there for e #whatever they had going on. and getting nothing in return #i hate that i feel so angry but i do. and ive been swallowing this anger and pain for so long i feel it eating my insides #even my therapist doesnt understand why i am friends with people that dont care about me #i dont know what i should do #i want to say something #actually i already talked about this to one of them one year ago exactly and i told her all these things and she just said she didnt know #why i was ignored. and then still kept being a part of it #the thing is i am so upset and my mental health is so so so bad. i am supposed to spend new years eve with them in two days but i dont know #how i can do that feeling like this #but if i speak to them about it i think it will also ruin the mood #if someone has any thoughts or advice it would be very welcome….

[memoryoflife]

i miss writing oTL

#ell shut up #it hasn't even been that long tbh but like #energy is sapped nowadays so im just chilling n resting at home #thought abt doing some ficlets tonight btu looked at my inbox and recoiled #waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa god #ive also. struggled a bit w ideas lately too orz #might just wind up watching More Dropout tonight

[arolesbianism]

Another quick drawing from last night

#keese draws #eternal gales #oc posting #oc #ocs #oc art #experimented a lil bit with giving her some more visible dark fur #I think I like it but Im gonna have to draw her a few more times to make sure I think #my main concern is that it might make her look a lil too similar to mason pattern wise #which is already smth Ive struggled with in the past lol #also yeah I <3 using brushes incorrectly #idc what the creators of any given brush intended if I can use it for funky lineart I Will use it for lineart #also yeah Ive been grabbing a bunch of free brush packs lately so thats why Im actually drawing shit again lol #tbf the glory drawing was me wanting to use a base procreate brush Ive been meaning to mess around with but I used some texture brushes too #with all my new texture brushes making bullshit backgrounds will be a breeze 👍 #oh also Ive been trying to use those dumb layer filter mode thingies for the first time lately with my shading #idk how Im feeling abt them tho tbh multiply is nice ig but I kind of dont like how it dulls out the colors sometimes #like I know it makes the shading more coherent but idk sometimes I like the more grading shading #idk can yall even tell the different dndmdkdndh #I might just be being too picky with my colors or smth I always tend to assume the worst abt my colors #anyways sceduled and now eepy time from the past and good morning future me

[1980ssunflower]

Ngl the times are hurting me

#in general my life has been horrible and getting worse day by day #after losing my job everything has just been getting worse #struggling to make money work or have energy to get my commission post stuff in order #and ive been wanting to sing so badly lately ive had the deepest yearning to belt out a song #and i finally tried to sing rn but i felt sad and stressed and then i just. couldnt sing #i felt so deeply embarrassed and ashamed in how i was unable to sing #it hurts too much to have your biggest loves fail you when you need them most tbh #tape entry circa 1980 #vent

[borderlinegerard]

i hope i die, you broke my heart

#personal #my posts #so fucking tired oh my god #just yelled at my sister so loud that my throat is sore over a piece of fuciing plastic #sometimes ecerytbinf feels so bad and its like. what do i even do #like ok i relapse and i need a break from someone and they loose their fucking shit on me #taljing about how you always deal with my shit and youre tired of how i see you as the worst in the group #as if i didnt literally repeat to you over and over again that i love you and that i always will even when you kept denying it #all of the times youve left all the servers and the gc and all that and i was there to comfort you #theres a reason im always the person you go to #byt yeah . im neverrrr there for you #like is it just that im not there for you in the Same Way that youre there forme ?? #does it need to be completely equal to be fair #and idk. i know hes struggling too but its so fucking stupid because ive been struggling for months and i dont treat u like tjat #im tired of feeling like i have to do two times more than everyone else ro be worthy of their love #like sorry man but im fucking sick and tired #i know ill be fine without you but like youre so sick right now that i dont know what youll do without all of us #idk im just like. you used to be so kind but now youre writing your name in mu blood #and sometimes i feel bad because i didnt mean evedytbinf i said to you but lets be honest #you didnt mean everyrbinf you said either #and i dont know if you were ever the right person because a lot of the time i think we are just two chemicals that werent meant to mix #but ill always remember you when i hear that one song and im making it sound like this is some kind if goodbye but it Really isnt #but like there was a time when i would tear myself apart for you. mot even because i liked you that much #i guess i just wanted someone that liked me as much as you did??? #and when j say that it isnt even about one soecific oerson. its an amalgamation of ecery person tgat has ever loved me #a little more than they were supposed to #i think i hate ahen people love me Too Much because i dont want to be adored like that it scares me #iknow what thats like and i dont want to be someone fp Its so scary #okay if im being honest i dont know whbat the fuck im saying right mow #byt like. idk. im tired and i think im done. tbh

[pyrriax]

HI TUMBLR late footnote posting before i go to bed (i took a nap today........ ate up most of my time)

not a lot to talk about with footnotes today since i was Busy and my brain wasnt working pfndkmlfd i blame seven hours of modded oneblock

#haunted ecosystem #haunted bookshelf #i might make a tag for these footnote posts? i think its a fun way to document what ive written about without sharing All of it #also yes thats a random crack au that i've have in the back of my head for a bit what about it #i dont think its canon in the slightest its just a funny little thing in my head for writing random bs #honestly i might start trying to work on more wtds stuff. this is kind of a perfect excuse #also! i think how i might work this is that if i work on a larger project during the day then i'll just do the daily prompt #since its a good exercise and an excuse to keep some kind of writing streak going #i actually asked one of my partners for a prompt since i was struggling to find an interesting one #ended up with 'last man standing' for spoke... very fitting tbh #i might write a more canon take for that. the concept i wrote down was much more set in an au than anything since i was also thinking #about asomatous zam at the same time so i kind of just incorparated both of them into it with it being paracosm-era #OH did i ever mention that i have a general title plan for the other parts of that kind of. world #its very set in stone that if i do write more it'll be two more parts #metamorphosis (5 part) and paracosm (1 part with multiple scenes. functionally 3 part maybe?) #asomatous goes in the middle of that. i need to kind of plan all of them out better and see how it wants to flow #metamorphosis was started as a concept because i had a few bad things happen bingo prompts i wanted to be used for asomatous #but didnt end up using. so metamorphosis is my excuse for that. paracosm is just a Concept thats been really plaguing me basically since i #originally wrote asomatous... i should probably come up with a temporary series title. i think something about shattering skies? #its a reoccurring theme and symbol throughout all of them....... i just think its neat #ANYWAYS goodnight to you especially if you actually read through all my tags :)

[boyghcst]

-

#it’s so weird how u can just feel two extremes and both r just so real #like often ill feel so suicidal and angry and upset etc but then other times I just feel so hopeful for the future and happy w my group #of friends #n both can b true but I just kinda get scared of when I feel rlly depressed n stuff bc it just feels so unbearable #n I just feel so out of control #idk last week was a p good week while socially exhausted #it was acc good to socialise and have fun etc #but idk I get my ups and downs so frequent idk if it’s normal to feel this way #but while im ill I’ve got an interview for college on Friday #trying again idk if ill even get in tbh #and im probably gonna drop out lollllll lit dropped out 4 times already #n every year I try but I’ve been out of work/education since late last year n I just feel I need to do something #even tho I struggle w my mental health a lot n just functioning like going outside and socialising and loads of ppl and noises it’s just #v overwhelming so idk if im just making another mistake but I picked a different course this time and it’s lower than my last so I’m hoping #they’ll give me a shot ig im worried they’re gonna judge me for dropping out so much but tht was care #and I just don’t wanna work w children / care anymore #and ive done social sciences before just the foundation level so I wanna progress #journal

[canyourlawnmowerdothis]

sometimes. u need. to draw people in silly clothes

#i was just looking through pinterest at clothes. didnt realize til now these mfs names sound so similar #cer and sierra are completely unrelated And yet #anyway i think im keeping these clothes for sierra #ive been struggling w her clothes for years but i rly like this tbh #lawnmowart #lawnmower ocs

[skxrbrand]

Youtube is preventing playback and my Malware Bytes is the thing that's tripping it????

#like...............ok #ive had MWB the whole time and it just started doing this today? #Popup blocker (Which explicitly blocks ads) is fine but MWB isn't? #been struggling with this dumb bullshit for the last hour #im so sick of youtube tbh #ooc

[skitskatdacat63]

Why do I say things like this. Like what was the need. Why do I feel the need to jinx myself. What was the reason.

#lol just looking thru my drawings and i saw that tag #and im like YOU! ITS YOUR FAULT IM BURNT OUT! I BLAME YOU(catie from that specific day) #anyways trying to draw nando and ITS NOT GOING WELL YKNOW #i still really struggle with drawing real people #seb is okay bcs ive drawn him the most and like have stared at his face for hours so...familiar...yeah... #and i do in fact look at a fuckton of nando pics BUT GOD HIS FACE IS SO DIFFICULT #he just has very like odd features i guess. AND HES VERY HANDSOME FOR IT but god they do not lend to easy drawing #i miss oc drawing where theres no accuracy really required since its all from my head #not that im never drawing ocs again. theyre still my beloved but i dont rly have any ideas atm for them :< #wanna draw rüß as an f1 driver tbh bcs ive been maladaptive daydreaming about that for the past few weeks #but as you know im somewhat allergic to drawing racesuits 😭 #also im wondering if drawing chibis so much fucked up my sense of style bcs now i struggle sometimes w proportions #i just. dont want to be burnt out anymore. i know its something you cant really force yourself thru #and also that you shouldn't force yourself cause it just makes it worse but #idk. i wanna draw so badly 😭 and i do it and sometimes it works out and sometimes im just staring at the screen like. oh. #i want to also finish the pt 2 to the boy king ficlet. i always randomly add a few paragraphs to it #blah blah anyways just thinking. i feel a bit frustrated and unfufilled atm i guess #like that feeling in your chest of tightness. its the worst. i wanna throw something or break something i guess #PLEASE JUST LET ME DRAW MY PORTRAIT OF KING NANDO IM BEGGING #he'll be so pretty okay 😭😭 i just cant get his fucking face right #ignore me ignore me. catie is: going through it #i miss the sense of urgency that drawing before my flight gave me #i like having that sense of incentive and deadline. like: you genuinely need to finish this right now. #if not then its me creating meaningless deadlines in my head that actually make me have worse burn out 🙃 #i love how before texas im like i am going to finsih all my wips!! anf then finished exactly: zero #catie.rambling.txt

[cringedaddy]

a cherished patron of where I work called my mentality "a mentality of gratitude" and yea I guess that is true.

#she said shes heard of it before and heard its transformative #tbh its the mentality that ive had that has been a lot of ... 'giving up with struggling and just going with the flow with some effort' #and it feels Lazy and so passive sometimes #but im also not stressed out nearly as much as i usually was #so #i agreed with her and told her its generally been a good thing