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carryonmywaywardwriters · 4 years

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Knot In Love - Alpha!Dean x Omega! Reader

A/N: Part Fourteen is back. Again, where it’s a daily thing? I am not tagging anyone new. 3pm is the magical time, usually. As always, feedback is incredible. And, I hope you all enjoy one of my favorites <3

PSA: I am NOT a minor friendly blog. If you are below 18, please come back when you’re older. I don’t want to lose my blog because you were too eager to grow up. If I discover you, I WILL block.

Series Masterlist

Series Warnings: Forced mating. Knotting. Alpha/Omega dynamics. Witchcraft (more based on real craft than Hollywood). Angst. Etc. Read at your own discretion.

Word Count: Roughly 3,000

“You look tired,” Dean was still too chipper. It was throwing you off in the worst way. Doesn't he feel it?

“And you actually look chipper,” You grumbled back, trying to hold up the grudge. It was nearly impossible with the toothy grin you received. “Let me chug this coffee and I'll be good to go.”

You'd gone hunting in the dark for two separate places to dispose of the candles before you'd been able to take a shower and crawl into your own bed. You'd only gotten a hunter's night of sleep in the end. Leaving you further baffled by the boys' stamina.

“You're okay...right?” Suddenly serious, Dean brushed his finger against the healed skin. Drawing forth a small shiver as he inspected you. “I should have asked last night. But, you were out grounding yourself, or whatever, when I tried to find you. Kid said it was to help calm you down or something. Real important, anyway.” So, that's what Jack came up with. You mentally made note to thank him.

“I don't want to lie to you, Dean.” Your eyes closed as you forced yourself to resist leaning into his touch. Body still craving his. Demanding that he reaffirm the bond you were trying to dissolve. A step back was managed, losing the contact in the process. “Don't make me, okay?”

“How bad was it?” His lips pushed out as he demanded that you give it to him straight. No more bullshit.

The worst pain you'd ever felt had been at his hands. You'd be damned if you threw that in his face. Not when he was on the up.

“It doesn't matter.” You forced the words out. It really didn't. Able to resist him in the moment. The mark was still there. Though you told yourself it looked and felt lighter. That spells took time when they involved something that complex. The thought soothed you. “It's over.”

The finality in your tone made something inside of his chest clench. As if he knew that you weren't just talking about what you'd gone through. Dean rubbed his hand over his own mark, then. Watching as you retreated behind a smile filled with secrets. Guilt eating away at his insides once the high of finding Cas had worn down.

“I didn't think,” He spoke up as you turned to walk away. Every piece of him demanded that he explain. “Not until I was in there. Then, I told myself that you didn't have time to feel it.”

“Most people wouldn't have,” You allowed, hoping that would be the end of it as you hunted down the sugar. It wasn't.

“Most people wouldn't have felt their mate's leg injury across state lines, Y/N,” Dean pointed out, desperately. Remembering the way you'd clung to him afterward. Why isn't she doing that now? “Nothing's ever been ordinary in my life. So, why would this be any different? I should have known better.” You didn't even turn to look at him. Didn't say a word. The lack of action more telling than anything you could have said. “I'm sorry.” His voice cracked a bit, then. He'd ignored it until he'd rested alone in his bed. His mind trailing over every detail of the day. Right to the stained gauze across your throat. “I'm so fucking sorry, 'mega.”

“You did what you had to, Dean.” The words were like acid in your throat. “You freed all of those souls.” You turned then, letting him look in your eyes. His pain was palpable. “We all do what we have to do in the end.” There was an aloofness in as you spoke. Enough to make his skin crawl. “When the bond's gone, it won't matter.” A sad smile crossed your lips, then. His blood chilled at that. You'd known. He'd never mentioned it to you. Not once after you'd brought it up. Yet there you were. Talking about the end as if it was a forgone conclusion. “We won't hurt each other, anymore.”

“You mean I won't hurt you,” His face tightened. Looking every bit the pain ridden warrior as he turned his head away. Wondering just how long you'd known he'd planned on breaking away from you. “Sam tell you, or Jody?”

“Let's be honest, Dean... You'll feel a little safer not being attached to a witch.” His jaw worked, then. You wouldn't give away your source. “That way, if I need put down? You can safely pull the trigger.” His breath stopped at the acidic words. “I didn't need anyone to tell me. It's been there since the night you found out what I was.”

“You really think that I could kill you?” There was that rare vulnerability there in his eyes. Shining bright as he wondered just how evil the world had begun to see him. How awful he had to be to inspire something so dark to fester in his own mate's mind.

“I think you'd do whatever you needed to save the world, Dean.” Even with the straight forward words, you couldn't stand the hurt that he was feeling. You reached up, rubbing his cheek with your hand. His skin was smooth from the fresh shave as he leaned in. Offering the only comfort you safely could. “Being with someone- something- that you can't completely trust? Makes it damn hard to do that.” You pressed a kiss to his other cheek before stepping back. Just as he turned to meet your touch with his own lips. “Chin up. You have your win, Winchester. It's going to get better. Mate or none.”

“I'm going to make it right, Y/N.” His words rang hollow. There were too many pieces inside of him that despised the idea. You'd recognized it before, but it was crystal clear in that moment. He was fighting his inner beast. And losing. “I'll snap the bond without all that fancy doctor crap. Make sure you get your second chance, down the road.”

“Don't worry about it, Dean.” The way you said the words sent an ominous shiver through him. “It'll be taken care of. For now? We have some zombies to hunt.” With that, you left the kitchen to go load up your bag. Making him wonder just what was going through that head of yours when he realized that he couldn't get a grip on what you were feeling.

–

“All right,” Dean led the charge down the hallway, carrying his suit in hand. The drive was over and he was done thinking for the day about anything other than what was surrounding him. “This is supposed to be the best room in the joint.”

“That doesn't say much,” You muttered, looking around. Jack smiled a bit beside you. The angel didn't seem too amused, though. Sending you another unreadable look over his shoulder.

“Oh, ho!” Your mate was a little too excited at the scene before you as the light switched on. “The Wild Bill suite.”

“I think I'm going to be sick,” Your eyes peered into the room. Nose curling in disgust.

Horns decorated the wall, but that wasn't all. Not even close. A cardboard cowboy stood tall, near a set of saloon doors. Staking claim to the room. He could have it as far as you were concerned.

The walls were covered with wanted posters and just about everything else that could be considered “cowboy”. Including an assortment of dead animals. You didn't need a closer inspection to know that they were real. Dean was chuckling in glee as he looked around; happier than a kid at Christmas.

“Wow,” Sam seemed to mirror your thoughts. Unimpressed with the décor.

“Pretty cool, right?” Instantly, the older Winchester found all the old images. Inspecting them with a sense of joy that you couldn't quite bring yourself to find. “Dude! Check it out.” The last phrase repeated another two times. You were quickly discovering that your mate was an old western dweeb. “Clay Allison.” He turned your way, beaming all the while, “Gun fighter extraordinary, right?” Then he was right back to those pictures, “And, uh.” His fingers pointed out another man with a hooked mustache and a small, square goatee, “Curly Bill Brocius.” He looked nothing like the cowboys you'd expected to see. “Which,” The enthusiasm was contagious, “now, now, now,” the pointed finger waved dramatically. “Little fun fact, here- was killed by Wyatt Earp, himself.” All eyes watched Dean. A mixture of confusion, disbelief, and mild entertainment filled the room. “Not kidding.” Another laugh left him as he walked. “Johnny Ringo, Billy The Kid...Oh, look!”

“He really likes cowboys,” Jack finally spoke. Watching the man he'd idolized act like a fool. He wasn't quite sure how to take the sudden switch in Dean. That much was obvious. You'd be lying if you said that you did, either.

“Hey, big guy,” Dean spoke to an image as if it could talk back. “How you doin'? That's...” His voice lowered as he kept talking to himself. Going a mile a minute. “What's going on Calamity Jane?”

“Yes.” Castiel answered his adopted child. “Yes, he does.” His voice was so dead panned that it almost sounded pained.

Another laugh emitted, making it a record in your presence, “Doc Holliday!” He whipped around, that damned grin on his face growing even bigger. You bit back a laugh, trying to look fascinated. “Hey-o!” A snort made its way out of your nose, but he didn't hear it.

“He's worse than me in a metaphysical shop,” You muttered, earning a twitch of the lips from Sam. Castiel didn't seem to find that amusing, either.

“This is awesome.” Dean spun in a little circle, taking in the room once again. “All right,” He got down to business. Kind of. “I say quick shower, steak dinner, and then tomorrow we hit up the cemetery.” His footsteps were brisk as he moved past the group of loved ones, all of which were still staring at him. No one moving a muscle right away.

“Sounds like a plan,” Sam managed as his brother hit the saloon doors. He sent a little grin your way, happy at his brother's glee, before turning to follow. Jack and Castiel simply turned to each other. Before they could speak, it continued.

“Oh, yes!” Dean grunted out loudly. “Stirrup hangers!” You winced at the thought. Didn't need to see it to imagine what he was excited about.

“You can have the couch,” Jack stated, monotone compared to the older Winchester. His comments were slightly lower, but still present. “I don't sleep very much.”

“I don't sleep at all.” Castiel turned to Jack, then. Both men then began looking around the room, again. Awkwardness hanging in the air.

“Okay...well, I'll just take the couch if no one else is willing.” You slid over to the red, offending furniture. “Split it with anyone who needs a catnap, or whatever. We can make this work.”

“Aren't you going to sleep with Dean?” The angel's voice sounded almost accusing. He didn't like you. Or, at the least, didn't trust you. Being a witch and all of that.

“Look,” Your hand found your hip. “Unless you want this already inconvenient trip to get even more disturbing? Having to listen to Dean get off- repeatedly- in the middle of the night? I think it's best that I sleep out here.” Your eyes fluttered innocently.

The worst part was that you weren't lying. You didn't trust either of your bodies after his temporary fatality. You had little doubt that someone would roll over. Then next thing you know 'P' meets 'V' in front of the entire family. No way in hell you were chancing that one.

“Yeah, no....” Jack trailed off, shaking his head. Shuddering at the very idea.

“You bring up a fair point,” Castiel allowed, cringing a bit at the thought as your mate and Sam discussed having a hat in the back room.

“I thought so,” With that, your bag was dropped on it before your body followed. Castiel's eyes landed on your mark as you bent down to make work of your shoes so that you could nab the shower first. Anything to chase away the bit of car sickness you'd felt. “If you wanna know something, feel free to ask.”

Jack turned to his father figure, then, “Cas?”

“Nothing. I just was lost in my thoughts.” You didn't buy it for a second. However, you weren't about to start a disagreement with Dean's win- the very thing he was discussing in the next room, over. Not then, anyway.

Later that night- or rather, early morning, you were wrapped up on the couch. Shrouded in the darkness. In a sleep light enough that you could still hear Jack asking all the questions he'd missed out on with Castiel gone over Dean's deep snoring in the back. Too much whiskey with dinner had led to the resounding noise.

When they got to Kelly, you told yourself not to listen. To give Jack his privacy. However, it never worked quite like that. Your heart was tugged at the way the angel described the woman. The same woman who's shoes you'd stumbled into. Then, there was a beep on the computer.

“Oh, wow!” Jack's voice pulled you the rest of the way out of your sleep. You blinked awake as he got to his feet. “I'll go tell them!”

“Jack!” Castiel hissed, following after him. You didn't get a chance to fully motivate before you joined the crowd. Opening the saloon doors as Jack poked the sleeping bear- literally- while whispering his name. “Jack, I wouldn't do that!”

The sound of a gun cocking and a deep cry filled the air as the weapon was aimed at the boy, “No!” Jack's hands were instantly in the air. Sam jerked awake in the next bed to see what the hell was going on. “No, no, Dean! It's me! It's me.”

“Dean!” You hissed out, your hand over your heart. The angel didn't look too worried, though. In fact, he looked downright done with life.

Your mate seemed to freeze, then. One eye was open, while the other was still squeezed tight. His mouth agape as he processed what was happening. His head turned to you and Castiel after a moment.

“Ah,” The gun was lowered, “hey.” Sleepy green eyes closed as the weapon made its way to the bedside table. “Who's making me coffee?”

He snuggled back into the bed. Looking more peaceful than any man had the right to be. Much less one that could've killed someone in a single second. Jack was breathing awfully hard when he turned back to you and Castiel, wide eyed. His short life had, no doubt, flashed before his eyes.

Jack was still watching Dean with a wary, shell shocked gaze when the coffee was ready. As if the sniffling, bleary eyed man was still a threat. You weren't much better, yourself. All eyes followed him as he sat onto your “bed” with a groan; rubbing his eyes.

“I told you,” Castiel leaned forward to Jack. “He's an angry sleeper.” You didn't argue that point, sipping at your own coffee. “Like a bear.” He'd let that last bit out as you inhaled, leaving you coughing and snorting up coffee in the process. The sound earning a sleepy glare from your mate before you gathered yourself back together. Clearing your throat with a muffled apology. You'd thought the same thing, yourself.

“Okay,” Sam got back to business, looking at the laptop screen. “So, code three means an officer down.” Your eyes kept drifting over to the man in the background, sipping at his black drink as if it was the only thing that mattered. You tuned out the case, letting your eyes trail over the way his t-shirt pulled over the swells of his bicep. Fucking hormones.

“Like, from a zombie.” The phrase pulled your attention back to Jack and away from your body's craving.

“Or anything else that has teeth.” There was the cranky Dean that had started slipping under your skin. Your lips twisted at the familiarity of it.

“Drink your coffee,” You waved him away, shooting Jack a little wink that made him smile.

“Alright,” Sam pulled attention back to where it belonged. “Change of plans. Jack, Y/N, and I will hit the grave yard. You and Cas hit up the crime scene.” The laptop was shut with more force than you cared to dwell on as Sam got to his feet.

“Works for me.” Dean managed as everyone got to their feet.

As soon as the party broke up? Dean raised his index finger at Cas, halting the angel in his steps. He pointed at his coffee before raising his palm. Cueing the supernatural being to sit until the coffee was gone. To your amazement, it worked. Castiel sat back with a small sigh, while Dean slurped away.

“No man should have all that power,” You muttered with a small laugh. With that, you received a silent middle finger. You only shook your head as you moved to grab your clothes from the bag beside his feet. When you looked back over your shoulder, you found Cas tsking away with a disapproving frown. Initially, you'd thought it to be at you. Then, you followed the gaze properly. Dean's eyes had landed on your ass; coffee still resting against his lips, but going nowhere. “Pervert,” You grumbled, pushing his cheek away. Trying not to focus too strongly on the feeling of his five o'clock shadow before you walked away.

“Dean-” Castiel's scolding as he moved back to his feet only earned a glare, and another point at the coffee. Zero remorse residing in the sleepy alpha. With another drawn out sigh, the angel sat. Waiting for the beast to be tamed by the caffeine...

Forever: @dean-winchesters-bacon @supernaturalginger @lilulo-12 @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @michaelneedssomemilk @lemondropirwin @fanfictionismydeath @neii3n @surmya1907

Dean/Jensen: @akshi8278 @screechingartisancashbailiff @woodworthti666 @coldmuffinbanditshoe

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kumiwrites · 4 years

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such is life

Kuroo Tetsurou is not normally someone who dwells on the past, but he finds that tonight, he can't quite shake the way it haunts him.

Or—

Nostalgia is a funny thing.

Pairing: University!Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader Genre: Angst Words: 1945 Warning(s): Mention of sex, heartbreak, nostalgia AO3 Link

A/N: Honestly this is just a super self-indulgent fic I wrote because I’ve been feeling super nostalgic about life, especially after finishing Kimetsu no Yaiba. I hope you enjoy!

The clock on his phone flickers to 2am, and Kuroo sighs softly.

Tonight is one of those sleepless nights where his mind refuses to power off and it always leaves him thinking about unnecessary things. He settles for scrolling through his photos, though Kuroo knows it’s a bad idea. He’s never been one to delete photos, so there are plenty of memories that are waiting for him in the depths of the album.

As if on cue, a familiar smile—one that he hasn’t seen in person since the last day of high school nearly a year ago—comes onto the screen, and he taps the face. The image enlarges, and he’s met with a photo that used to be his wallpaper.

His arm is wrapped around your neck lazily, and your back is pressed to his chest as you snap the photo of the two of you on a date. His chin rests on the top of your head, and the gentle smile you give to the camera is one that he’s found himself on the receiving end of for as long as he’s known you.

Kuroo finds himself smiling at the photo, and he swipes across the screen, losing himself in the memories that each picture brings to mind. He’s normally not a nostalgic person, but somehow, you’ve changed that about him.

He’s always been a calculating person. Volleyball blessed him with the ability to learn how to read people, and nearly every move he made for years of his life was thought out and meticulous. But something about you lowered his defenses. With you, he tried to keep it at bay—he couldn’t figure you out completely. You scolded him whenever he tried to analyze you and pin down exactly what you were thinking, but it didn’t stop him from trying when you refused to talk about things.

He’s about to lock his phone when he comes across a photo of you together on your first date. His eyes linger on your face—the two of you were second years, and after much pestering and a whole lot of persistence, he had gotten you to say yes to going to a dessert café near the school.

Almost as if you knew he was thinking of you, his phone rings, and the number is one he recognizes immediately. He wonders, briefly, if he should just pretend to be asleep and deal with it in the morning. But he’s already feeling so nostalgic, and he wants to hear your voice.

“Tetsu?”

“Yeah,” he replies softly, his breath hitching in his throat. Nobody calls him that anymore.

“It’s been a while,” you continue, and he finds himself melting for the sound of your voice the way he used to. “I was thinking about you and wanted to see if you were up.”

He hesitates for a moment, wondering if this is a good idea, but he can’t stop himself. “I was, too.”

You let out a soft laugh, and Kuroo’s heart flutters in his chest. It’s a warm sound that he’s found solace in time and time again. “Nostalgia’s a funny thing, huh?”

“Definitely,” he replies.

“How was your first year?” you ask, and he can hear the sound of fabric brushing over the microphone as you shift positions.

“Tiring is probably the best way to describe it,” he tells you, pressing the phone to his ear as he uses the pillow to prop it up.

“I’d say the same,” you sigh. “It’s weird not seeing you in classes.”

High school feels like it was a different life—as if he were peering into someone else’s world for a brief moment. “It was pretty lucky that we were in the same class for all three years at Nekoma.”

You hum in agreement. “If you hadn’t befriended me in first year, I don’t know if we would’ve become as close. I was pretty hard to deal with in second year.”

Kuroo laughs. Just as he’s about to reply, he hears an unfamiliar voice from your end of the call.

“Still awake, [Name]?”

“Yeah, I’m just talking to Kuroo. I’ll go to bed soon.”

Kuroo’s heart sinks. He isn’t sure if it’s because you drop the affectionate nickname you’ve always called him by, or because he instinctively thinks that you’re with him.

“Sorry, Tetsu. That was my roommate, he just got home from the library.”

“No worries. I actually have to go—early morning practice.”

Why is he lying to you?

“Oh, well we should catch up sometime soon.” Your voice shakes a little—if he didn’t know you the way he does, it would’ve gone unnoticed.

He wants to scream and cry, all at once. “Yeah. We can grab coffee at our usual place or something.”

Our usual place. The little café where you went on countless dessert dates together, where he had held your hand for the first time as the two of you left the shop. Where he had kissed you once, because there was whipped cream smeared on your chin and he wanted to see how flustered you’d get if he licked it off and delivered it back to you. Where he had seen you cry once after a particularly difficult week, and you let him feed you forkfuls of cake as you wept into his shoulder. The little, quaint café where Kuroo first told you that he loves you.

“I haven’t been there in a long time,” you say with a soft sigh, the mention of the place bringing to mind the yummy desserts and perfectly brewed coffee. Kuroo can tell you’re just as reminiscent of those times as he is, but he can also tell that the tone of your voice is off—he wonders why.

Just as he’s about to pull the phone from his ear, he hears a soft hiccup. Ah—that’s why you sound off. You try to play it off as a cough, but he recognizes the sound—he’s always recognized it.

His heart softens, and he feels the tears come to his eyes, too. He can’t help but wonder if you still cry the same way he’s always known you to cry—if you were still an ugly crier. He’s always thought that your crying face was a precious one; one that made him want to destroy whatever was hurting you, but at the same time, some twisted part of him really did like that you’d only really let yourself be vulnerable like that in front of him. He then wonders if that’s still the case you for—if he’s still the only one to have seen that side of you.

With that in mind, Kuroo can’t quite stop himself from telling you how he feels right now, and he wholeheartedly believes that you’ll scold him for it.

“I’ve missed you.”

He can hear the hiccup catch in your throat, as if it knows that now is not the time. You’re quiet, but he knows your mind is flipping through all the different reasons why he’d say something like this to you, and what you should say back.

“I miss you too, Tetsu.”

He laughs softly, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his palm. It doesn’t do anything to stop the tears, but he can pretend it helps.

“I wish I could get a Tetsu hug, but I guess this’ll have to do for now.”

He wishes he could hug you, too.

“Good night then, Tetsu.”

He lets out the breath he had been holding. “Good night,” he replies softly, and the phone beeps once, signalling the end of the call.

There’s a soft pitter patter that echoes in his chest, as if to remind him that he still feels empty, incomplete. It started the day you told him that you were accepting your offer to Kyoto University, mere days after he had told you he was accepted to UTokyo with a sports scholarship that would leave him paying next to nothing for his schooling.

Who was he to beg you to reconsider? To stay with him, and go to UTokyo? Not Kuroo Tetsurou—no, he wouldn’t have dreamed of doing such a cruel thing. The two of you made a promise, at the beginning of your third year, that you wouldn’t change your plans for each other. That no matter what, you would make only the best of choices for your futures.

But Kuroo didn’t realize, when he had intertwined his pinky with yours in that innocent promise, that you were the most important part of the future he envisioned. That he had never truly believed the two of you would go your separate ways after high school, leaving behind a love that still made his head spin.

The melancholic look on your face that day is still burned into his memory. The sadness in your eyes despite being able to study your dream program at your dream school, the gentle smile tugging at your lips as if to reassure him that this was okay—all of it weighed down on him heavily.

“Two hours is a long way to commute for a student,” is what you had said to him. He agreed, that it’d be impossible to manage a long-distance relationship alongside his volleyball practices and studies. Even if you were the one who did the commuting, he’d likely be too exhausted by the time you arrived after classes to even spend enough quality time with you to make the trek worth your while. And Kuroo was nothing if not practical, so with a hoarse voice, he had been the one to save you from saying the words, “We should break up.”

The two of you sat in your favourite café—in the booth where everything had started nearly two years ago—and held each other’s hands as the tears came quietly. The desserts were left untouched in front of you as you sat in quiet turmoil, your occasional hiccup being the only sound that disrupted that silence. Without so much as touching the order, he laid down a few bills and walked you home, never once letting go of your hand. Your parents had been away on business, meaning there would be nothing to help distract you from the heartache once you went inside. When you reached your doorstep, neither of you wanted to part ways just yet, so you invited him into the familiar home to spend the night.

It wasn’t the first time he’s woken up with you in his arms, but it was certainly the last. He remembers the way the sunlight made your hair shine like liquid gold, tresses resting peacefully on his bare chest as your limbs remained tangled in one another. A soft kiss to your forehead was enough to stir you, and he let you wake slowly as he recalled the sleepless night. Part of him wished he could record your soft mewls—sounds he’d never heard fall from your parted lips until that night—and keep them forever, but he knew that a video wouldn’t do you justice. Making love to you was special, and it deserved to exist as a treasured final memory of his time with you.

He finds himself scrolling through his photos again until he lands on the last photo taken of the two of you together. The image of you peacefully asleep with your head on his chest and his hand buried in your hair brings back more memories, and if he tries hard enough, he swears he can smell the lingering traces of you.

It’s enough to break his heart all over again, and Kuroo lets it.

#haikyuu!!#kuroo tetsurou #kuroo tetsurou x reader #haikyuu!! reader insert #haikyuu!! imagines #kumi writes #such is life #hq!!#haikyuu #kuroo

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ghost-writer-rights · 4 years

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I wrote this from the hours of 10pm to 3:30am

warnings: hurt/comfort(?), Toko's scars, non despair au, this was super self indulgent and if it's bad blame it on my insomnia brain, drug use(its just marijuana)

"I just have to do this,Toukocchi" the clairvoyant had brought Toko back to her room.

She wasn't known as a klutz or anything. in fact she almost never fell. But somehow as she was up at lunch that day her skirt got stuck and she hit her head on the floor. It wasn't enough to give her any severe head trauma but she did have a slightly open wound at the back of her head.

Yasuhiro had volunteered to help Toko.

He had confessed that he liked the author a while ago, but she dismissed it and (kinda of brutally) shot him down.

■■■

"W-what do y-you m-m-mean you like me?" Toko was in a shocked and seemed disgusted

"Y-y-you're a liar. You're l-l-LYING!!"

"Why would I lie about this?"

"To hurt me! You wanna g-get my h-hopes up and then hurt me w-when I get vulnerable"

"Toukocchi, I-"

"YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM"

■■■

While Hagakure was hurt that Toko thought that he would do something like that, he knows that it's not his fault that she thinks that way. He also knows that there's no way to change her mind so there's no reason to try.

But he could at least try to earn back her trust and be friends again. Well, acquaintances as Toko called them.

"You don't h-have to do anything" the purple haired girl stuttered

"Of course I do. Your head's bleeding and I don't think you can see it by yourself" Yasuhiro was calm as he spoke, deep voice sending tremers down Toko's spine. Not in a h o r n y sense or anything like that. He just has a deep ass voice. Like holy shit. like wow. you can cause an earthquake with that bass.

They sat on her bed back to chest

"I could have at least tried" Yasuhiro sat down the peroxide he picked up from the infirmary.

He also had cotton swabs and cotton pads. As well as bandages.

The tall one carefully traced the wound with a cotton swab to get the blood out of the way.

He was really close to Toko. Her face was no where near his chest but she could still tell

"You smell"

Hiro huffed some air out of his nose at that. She wasn't wrong. He did smell of lemony mint. He always had a small amount of weed on him in case if stressful situations.

"Oh yeah? Is it a good smell or a bad smell, Toukocchi?" He could feel her shoulders relax and he said that. He dipped a new swab in the peroxide. He didn't touch her wound yet though. He wanted to hear her answer.

"I-it doesn't matter! It's smelly"

"Hmm. Hey, aren't you the one who doesn't shower?"

"Shut up"

"Okay well. This may sting a bit" He cleaned her wound. Toko gasped at the contact from the cold liquid.

Silence.

"It's not that I don't bathe" Toko had suddenly spoken up

"Hmm?"

"I bathe. it's just" Hiro stayed quiet. He didn't wanna say something in case she wanted to stop her confession.

"I have to build up enough confidence to get in the bath sometimes it gets here to late". Hiro supposes that makes sense the water does cut off at a certain for billing reasons but

"Confidence?" It was a simple question. She didn't have to answer. It was less a question for her and more to himself. He kinda meant to only say it in his head.

"Well...My legs th-they"

"Hey, you don't have to say anything you don't want to. You know that right?"

"I need to say this otherwise I'll be by myself forever. My legs are c-covered with scars" Hiro was shocked by this.

But it was enough to bring him back to what he was doing before. He had totally forgotten to put a bandage on

He slowly pealed the protective layer off and spread it carefully at the back of her head.

"Are you n-not going to s-s-say anyth-thing?"

"I didn't realize you were finshed, my bad"

"Well?"

"Well, I think that you have real reason to not want to bathe. But, I'm kind of confused. Do you not want to reopen the scars or?"

"I don't like looking at them"

"I'm sorry to hear that, Toukocchi" Hiro didn't want to overstep his boundaries. But he did want to help

"Should I help you?"

"W-w-w-what!"

"So you don't have to look at them. I could wash you. Not in a weird way or anything! I just"

Hiro seemed to whisper that last part. He felt awkward. He wasn't tryna be pervy he really just wanted to help.

Hagakure stepped aside to the window in Toko's room and lit the pre-rolled blunt. He inhaled the lemony smoke and exhaled it through his mouth and nose.

Toko looked at the stressed man at her window. His long dreads in a ponytail

Bags under his eyes.

Ance scattered on his tanned skin

Blowing smoke

The sun shining on his deep brown eyes.

Elbow sitting in the window ledge as he brought the marijuana cigarette to he lips.

He looked beautiful.

But he also seemed sad.

Hagakure was embarrassed with what he had proposed to his crush. He just wanted her to feel safe... and clean.

"H-hey, Palm Tree?" This made Yasuhiro smile and he brought his face down and puffed outward.

"So I have a nickname now?"

"Do you promise to not do anything weird?"

"What do you mean?"

"If I let you help me. I-I wasn't gonna bathe today but If y-your o-offer is.. ya know"

"Toukocchi," Hiro turned to look at Toko who was still sat fidgeting on her bed, "I promise from the bottom of my heart, I would never and will never do anything to make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable"

"okay but... I don't. I. would it be possible for you to do this without you seeing my body?"

"Honestly I think that impossible. But it could be a bubble bath so I can't see under the water"

"t-th-that-that works. Also if you tell anyone about this you'll regret it. you already convinced me to tell you about my insecurities" she spoke in an angry tone but it was obvious she wasn't mad

"Actually if I'm not mistaken I believe it was you that pressured yourself into telling me"

"SHUT UP"

□□□

"Okay, Toukocchi, hop out" Hiro had looked away as he held an out spread towel in his hands for Fukawa to walk into.

Although he looked away she had subconsciously covered her chest until she got wrapped in the towel.

Hiro looked at her. Her long purple hair upbraided, cascading over her shoulders. He could see the little marks on he nose from where her glasses usually sit.

She's so gorgeous. I hope she realizes that one day.

"Can you get out so I can change?"

Oh shit. Right.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry" Hiro walked out closing the door behind him. As soon as he closed it he heard a locking noise.

He stood out in her room and looked around as she changed in her off room bathroom.

He saw her bookshelf. There were copies of her own books. Hiro was actually a big fan of her work. His mom had gotten him into romance novels. it's one of the things they truly bond over.

There were also some manga comics. Surprising considering Toko made a huge deal of manga not being real literature.

I guess we all have our guilty pleasure

The lock on the bathroom door had turned and the door opened.

Hiro's head and turned to see Toko in her underwear. He was awestruck but quickly turned his head back.

"I forgot m-m-my clothes out here" She quickly grabbed her clothes

"I'm sorry you had to see my ugly body" Hiro couldn't let that slide

"What are you talking about" He turned to look at Toko and his voice sounding of mild annoyance.

Toko was shocked

"W-what?"

"Ugly? Toukocchi, you one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen"

"I doubt that" She dismissed. awkwardly smiling. Hiro walked over to Toko. He looked at where her eyes are.

"Toko. I wouldn't lie to you. I would kiss your whole body if it would make you realize how amazingly powerful you look"

"y-you shouldn't k-keep empty promises, Idiot"

That's when he kissed her. Not on the mouth or anything. It was on the forehead. He held her in his arms.

"I love your skin. It's soft but rough at the same time. it compliments your aura so much."

He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed what was in his palm

" I love your hair. It's a beautiful color and it's so shiny"

"probably from how greasy I am"

"probably from how healthy it is"

He brought his head down to kiss her shoulders. He lifted her arms and kissed her hands and wrist.

"I love your hands. You've written such nice material with them and it shows. Sure they're callosed and rough but it just goes to show how much you care about what you produce"

He kneeled down so his face was to her tummy

"Is this okay with you?"

"mhm" Toko had covered her face from embarrassment. She looked like a rose.

" I need a verbal yes or else this feels weird, Toukocchi"

"I-I- I'm okay with this"

He kissed her tummy and she suddenly felt tense

"My- my legs"

He kissed her thighs. He kissed all over where he saw a scar.

"Your legs are beautiful. If you didn't have them right now you wouldn't have have anything to hate. I wouldn't have anything to make you feel better about."

He stood up and kissed her, on the lips this time. His hand held the side of her face. Her cheek leaned into his touch.

"I love you, Toukocchi" Her rose face was now a bright ruby. The brightest to ever be seen. She hid behind her hair

"You love me for my body? Or do you love me because you feel bad for me?"

Once again he chuckled at this.

"Toukocchi, I love you for so much more than that" He brushed her hair our of her face.

"I love how determined you are. Even if you don't feel like it or realize it. You really do more than what you're capable of if the task is important to you. You're sweet, and quirky and you're always there for the rest of us in your own weird way. I love the way you portray the world in your novels. I love the way you smile when you feel truly at peace. Ya know when you think no one is looking? it's that genuine and pure happiness. Even if it's small it really shows how much you care for all of us and enjoy being around us. Like we're all your family"

"Y-you said a lot of words just then"

"I know you don't like me back. And I'm okay with that. But please know that I will love you for the person that you are no matter what. And anytime you feel like you're ugly remember this moment and remember how beautiful you are"

"Yasuhiro, I-"

"Do you promise?"

"I promise"

#hagafuka #toko fukawa #Toko x Yasuhiro #touko x Yasuhiro #danganrompa #trigger happy havoc #touko x Hagakure #toko x Hagakure #Yasuhiro Hagakure #Hagakure Yasuhiro

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brandilovevip · 4 years

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What I Believe About Coronavirus

It’s been a HOT topic on Twitter...

So what do I think is really going on and what do I think about Coronavirus?

Read on.

WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON

When health events like this happen ( and they happen often )

there is always some fear and trepidation. In recent times however it has become an obsession in the media to track and breathlessly report the number of deaths especially with the flu and/or any other viral outbreak. They don’t do this with any of the actual leading causes of death in the USA which are:

1. Cardiovascular Disease deaths each year 647,457 2. Cancer deaths each year 599,108 3. Accidents deaths each year 169,936 4. Respiratory Disease deaths each year 160,201 5. Stroke deaths each year 146,383

So every flu season, despite the flu not making the top 5, we are fed a steady diet of fear and mounting death. When you add in a “rogue” virus like the Chinese Wuhan Coronavirus, things get really out of hand. You would think that they believe The Walking Dead and Outbreak are documentaries.

This FEAR drives ratings and the progressive left’s globalist agenda. This agenda is the agenda of 90% (+) of the global media, the EU , China etc. There are few countries left in Europe and Asia that don’t want globalism. They have already been pacified. The great spirit of America however has not. Donald Trump’s election was a shock to the globalist agenda which is clearly on display in the democratic party. They are now out in the open as unabashed, socialist/communist “progressives”

meaning… globalists.

There are a number of “conservative” publications out there that believe that Covid-19 was created in a lab an purposefully unleashed. I do not believe that is the case, although I do think it is possible. I do however believe that they had foreknowledge of the virus and it’s potential spread & impact.

Why do you believe this Brandi?

Because of Event 201. If you haven’t read about this, you need to educate yourself. This ACTUALLY took place. The “players” and sponsors should be looked at closely.

Only a few months ago, in OCTOBER 2019, Johns Hopkins, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and the World Economic Forum (a fraternity of self-professed globalists) ran a “pandemic simulation” called “Event 201” specifically focused on CORONAVIRUS. Not Ebola, or Swine Flu or even Avian Flu – but CORONAVIRUS. The simulation features the spread of coronavirus in South America, blamed on animal to human transmission (pigs). The conclusion of the exercise was that national governments were nowhere near ready.

Event 201 played out almost exactly as you see it in the world today. Even their propaganda pieces are eerily similar.

Some very disingenuous or perhaps rather stupid people have been arguing that this kind of thing is “normal”, claiming that we are “lucky” that the elites have been running simulations in advance in order to “save us” from a viral outbreak.

I believe that Event 201 was not a simulation but a war-game, played out to study the possible outcomes of an event the globalists already knew was coming. They played it out to see how to use it to their advantage.

In their simulation 65 million people died worldwide. A number they knew was false but it would certainly scare the sheep into submission.

Does anyone really believe that Event 201 is pure coincidence? Does anyone really believe they left up their “findings” for any other reason than to frighten readers?

But what do globalists have to gain directly from a coronavirus pandemic beyond simple chaos that can be exploited?

Interestingly, a representative from Johnson and Johnson, one of the companies that may end up designing a “vaccine” for the Coronavirus, suggested during Event 201 that a “centralized” global economic authority in charge of funding and procuring vaccines for various nations in crisis was an option for solving the pandemic.

The reason why globalists want a collapse is simple – They need crisis in order to manipulate the masses into accepting total centralization, a global monetary system and global governance. They are also rabid believers in eugenics and population reduction.

Regarding a “centralized” global economic authority and a global monetary system ... did you notice the Democrats included language pertaining to a digital currency in their bloated, globalist agenda filled coronavirus bill after pulling the rug out from under America.

The US and China are still currently in the middle of a trade war. This trade war has been demonized by Democrats and RINO’s alike. And despite it being the right thing for America, the Phase 1 deal was always a joke because it demands that China quadruple its purchases from the US within the next 1-2 years. This was never going to happen.

The Chinese cannot be trusted. They are the most evil, unfeeling regime in the world. They are cold , calculated and intelligent. They have made, through money, slaves of many of the worlds largest, most influential and wealthiest corporations and people.

Now, because of the impact of the Chinese Wuhan Coronavirus, there is no chance that China will meet the requirements of the Phase 1 deal as China’s economy will slow under the weight of the pandemic.

Coincidence?

If Trump continues tariffs against a nation in the state of a viral emergency, he will look like a monster. If he doesn’t continue the lockdown and one person dies thereafter, he will look like a monster. They have him in an almost impossible situation. He knows it, which is why he looks so somber & frustrated.

Another advantage of the viral crisis is that the globalist establishment will undoubtedly blame “climate change” for its impetus. Even though there is absolutely no concrete evidence linking human carbon emissions to climate change or viral outbreaks, given enough public fear, globalists will attempt to link the things together as if it is a proven fact.

Not only will they have a rationale for an economic collapse THEY created, but they can also present a virus as an “act of nature”, and use it as a rationale for implementing carbon controls. (ALSO PRESENT IN PELOSI’s DESPICABLE BILL)

So what is really going on:

The globalists are using COVID-19 to their advantage to wrestle back control and complete their globalist mission. They know that if Donald Trump gets re-elected their horror of a dream is over.

BUT BRANDI THIS IS A DEADLY VIRUS, YOU ARE BEING STUPID.

It is a deadly virus. It is highly communicable. But is neither as deadly or communicable as the fear mongers want you to believe. I’m not going to go through all of the FACTS here. But I would encourage you to read this excellent article:

http://archive.is/yuaUq

If the USA follows the pattern in SIMILAR countries with similar population demographics and geography then we should see maybe 250,000 total who have contracted this and a death rate of 1.5% for total deaths around 3,750

We have all been around death. Iv’e lost most of my family and it’s always gut wrenching. But if the numbers hold true, the 3750 deaths due to Coronavirus are about 5x less than the number of homicides we have every single year.

Where do I agree with the trolls that bombard my Twitter account?

I agree that we need to have a far better protocol in place for WHEN pandemics happen and I believe we need to make a HUGE investment into our healthcare system. Some things I would love to see them consider:

1. Everyone wears masks during a “Pandemic Protocol” I know , I know… surgical masks don’t stop the virus from getting in.. but if EVERYONE is wearing them it does stop a lot of the virus from getting OUT. Japan has an 80% adoption rate for masks. They have major population centers and yet.. their numbers remained low.

2. Have tests ready. Jesus. Everyone on the planet seemed to have more tests than us. That’s embarrassing. Test everybody.

3. Isolate & quarantine the most vulnerable to death, first.

4. Immediately close borders and international travel

5. If needed, in extreme situations impose a reasonable self isolation and social distancing period not to last longer than 21 days.

6. Have teams at CDC ready to collaborate with local and international physicians to discuss treatment modalities & vaccines.

7. Build regional medical facilities in conjunction with private, non profit health care systems to handle sudden increases in medical emergencies.

This closing down of the country however and spreading fear the way they have is grotesque and evil. Do you think it’s any less horrible to die from Cardiovascular Disease , Cancer an Accident, stroke, suicide or murder? No. Death is horrible and sad. But it is in fact part of life. I don’t want to die, I’m not looking forward to death but I do know that at some point, it will occur.

I’m ever thankful that in addition to my thirst for facts vs fear, I also have contacts across the medical landscape. In every single case, they tell me the same thing. If you don’t smoke, If you don’t have major underlying medical conditions and are in good health… then you have very little to fear even if you do contract the virus. Yes, it may have a 1.4% - 2.0% death rate but those numbers are skewed toward those 65+ and those with major medical issues. Regardless of age if you are generally healthy, you are looking at a death rate equal to or less than the common flu.

And they also tell me that if you do get it, demand that you be treated with the combination of Hydroxychloroquine and a Zpack unless there are contraindications.

Lastly…

Some things that have become perfectly clear:

1. Socialized Medicine would be a Disaster 2. Open Borders = Complete Insanity

References:

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/leading-causes-of-death.htm

http://archive.is/yuaUq

https://www.europereloaded.com/how-viral-pandemic-benefits-the-globalist-agenda-event-201/

https://docplayer.net/11605196-Foreign-affairs-april-1974-the-hard-road-to-world-order-richard-n-gardner-volume-52-number-3.html

https://www.technocracy.news/globalization-faces-disaster-with-supply-chain-leaving-china/

https://meaww.com/wuhan-coronavirus-warned-2017-lab-wuhan-deadly-diseases-escape-lab-level-4-safety-scientists

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first-edition-dumpster-fire · 4 years

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Okay, I’m in a mood and I just finished midnight sun, so I thought I’d put my current motivation to good use and hope it lasts. Let’s start with my opinions and thoughts on the characters of twilight. Part One; Bella Swan

Okay, but like, I actually love Bella Swan so I may be a bit biased but at the same time, I understand that she has flaws and I like to put my perspective on everything. For the most part she’s super unproblematic and her character (like all of the other characters) wasn’t done proper justice which is why I’m so glad that Tumblr has taken them into custody.

Honestly, though, Bella’s personality and characterization was on the fritz and complicated. She was entirely self-sufficient, a care-taker, chill, and ambitious. Like, sure, all she wanted to do was become a high school English teacher/college English professor and live in the sunnier places but man did she work at it. She had a whole ass plan that was derailed when she met and fell in love with Edward and found out about the supernatural. I’m gonna admit, really disappointed after I found this out and then realized she never discovered her dreams. Yeah, she made whole new dreams that she was really happy with and got a fulfilling life in the end but seeing Bella helping out a struggling writer or suggesting certain books to help with someone’s thesis would’ve been super cool.

But on the other hand, the books totally victimized her and made her into a damsel in distress. I know most of her problems were supernatural, scratch that all of her problems were supernatural, but she should’ve been given more power. Why make a heroine if she’s always hiding behind her love interests and never saves herself? Bella also drinks hella dumb bitch juice, which Edward had teasingly pointed out in the hospital after her tussle with James. (Really, it was one of the only things Edward said to her that wasn’t either hating on himself or saying something super shady (like insulting her intelligence or committing himself to her for life even though they’ve only been official for a day)) She will put herself into situations she might not come out of alive but cowers at the little things like needles and prom. Another example of her dumb bitch, self sacrificing, did-not-think-about-this-decision-nearly-as-long-as-I-should-have-so-now-I-have-to-work-with-what-I-got energy is her attempt to bare knuckle box and jujitsu her attempted rapists instead of screaming or running. Commendable bravery and determination, loses points for lack of brain cell use.

If it were me, I would’ve cut Edward off or at least made him work a lot harder than he did. She just let him off the hook whenever he did anything wrong for the sake of keeping him with her. Which makes a lot of sense actually. She’d never been a daughter really. She paid bills, she went grocery shopping, she took care of her house as well as her mother and herself. She’s never had someone take care of her or care for her in the romantical sense and in the giving sense. Most of the boys who liked her, were only attracted to her and wanted to know more about her to see if her interest matched their own. Not for the sake of getting to know her, understand her, but to see if she matched up to the pedestal they put her on. Edward didn’t do that, and I’m not saying their relationship was healthy because it wasn’t, but I can see and understand why Bella latched onto Edward so quickly even though it was super out of character from what we knew of her before their relationship.

Also, I really fucking hate how vulnerable Bella was in New Moon. Like, Edward left her in the fucking woods and she almost died. I would’ve been so angry, and she should’ve been considering that Bella had multiple moments in Twilight where she was displayed to have a temper and even sometimes considered violence against Edward when he pissed her off. She was broken, sitting around lazily and trying her damned hardest not to have a mental breakdown as to not worry her parents and friends anymore than she already had. Her self confidence was gone, she was already insecure, not believing herself good enough for the Cullens and Edward took advantage of that. He took advantage of the fact that no one had ever expressed romantic interest in her therefore she doesn’t have a fucking clue on how anything involving relationships are supposed to work. Bella was mature, Bella grew up too fast, Bella overestimated herself. And she was so emotionally stunted that instead of building up emotions, she held them down and decided to feel nothing. Then she met Edward and truly allowed herself to feel something. And it was too much, seventeen years of living as nothing more than an empathic caregiver took its toll on her and she felt everything at once and intensely. And when he left her, she felt that intensely too.

I don’t know why Stephanie Meyer wanted to further inforce that Bella was beautiful and desirable to the boy students and caused envy from the girl students, except for Angela. It was gross. Bella was so obviously heartbroken and vulnerable and emotionally unavailable but smeyer still had Mike ask her out multiple times and make Jacob’s crush on her grow, which was unfair. She thought multiple times that Jacob was family and made her feel like Bella again. He was a bright happy person with a good sense of humor and a sunny disposition and I felt like his feelings for Bella kinda put a hinder on a great character. Angela, Jacob, and Bella would’ve been an iconic trio of best friends and you can’t tell me otherwise. Bella, Alice, and Rosalie would’ve also been a great trio and that is a non-arguable fact. You cannot tell me that Rosalie would’ve held the same animosity towards Bella had she known what had happened to Bella in Port Angeles. Alice was already Bella’s best friend before they officially even met, so there’s that. P

I absolutely loathe the plot of Eclipse. The love triangle between Edward, Jacob, and Bella had never made any sense but then smeyer forced it even further and made it worse. That non-consensual kiss made me gag. That’s not Jacob’s character. Then Bella all of a sudden growing feelings for him made even less sense. Especially when it was so obvious that she was going to choose Edward over everything just as she always has. I loved the interaction between Bella and Jasper, though, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I ship them. It has more to do with the fact that this was the first unawkward conversation that they had ever had with one another. It wasn’t a exactly light discussion but it really pulled along how involved with every member of the Cullen family in some way. It was cool. The rest of the train wreak included Edward’s inane jealousy and even-creepier-than-usual behavior, the coercion into marriage and sex (because Bella didn’t respect Edward’s morals anymore than Edward respected hers) along with a pressured kiss between Jacob and Bella that was just bad. It ain’t a bad thing when someone doesn’t return your feelings. Jacob, honey, you’re perfect, just not for Bella (or Resume, smeyer). Then Bella and Edward begin planning their wedding, which makes no sense. Bella doesn’t want marriage, she’s against the institution of it. She’s already said that she loves Edward and wants to be with him forever regardless of how she does it. Why isn’t that enough for him? She doesn’t want to end high school with a marriage based on how her parents relationship ended.

Who else thought that Bella’s powers could’ve been cooler or that she shouldn’t have had powers at all? It’s too even. Two couples where neither have gifts and two couples where they both have gifts. It would’ve made more sense if she controlled possibilities or had a subtle way of making things go her way, like Siobhan from the Irish coven. She loved her privacy and separation from others and while that kinda back fired in a way- she was flocked around by others as soon as she walked into school -it also didn’t. For one, obviously Edward could t read her mind. Privacy and solitude from him at least. But at the same time, everyone was pretty much bending over backwards to be near her at all times. What if it was Bella’s subconscious ability acting up and making them want to give Bella whatever she wanted? Of course, since she was human, her abilities couldn’t have been working right, and instead of making people give her what she wanted, she made them have the inexplicable desire to give her what she wanted. And with Edward, he didn’t notice her lack of voice until he focused on her and couldn’t hear her inner voice. After she had set her sights on him. After she’d taken interest and her mind began to shape the reality around her to make her unmistakable and absolutely appealing to someone like Edward, someone who is perpetually bored and self loathing. By silencing her mind so he couldn’t read it and scenting her blood in a way that make it impossible for him to stay away. It’s just really suspicious how Bella never really has any problems that last more than a few days. Except for Edward leaving which-to her at least-was a huge problem. But she is human and doesn’t know that she even has powers so said powers are bound to fuck up somehow. Or maybe they didn’t, at least not intentionally. The beginning of New Moon featured Bella agonizing over her aging and the belief that Edward and the rest of the Cullens were all better than her. Her subconscious took that to mean that she didn’t want the Cullens around since they were unwittingly destroying Bella’s self-esteem which never really was that high to begin with. So the accident on her birthday never was an accident, it was Bella trying to protect herself because she does t know how to do anything else, she has no one to take care of and is being taken care of for the first time and doesn’t trust the feeling. Because we all know Jasper attacking her makes no sense. For one, he was a disciplined vampire army leader surrounded by bloodthirsty newborns, for another, he killed James with Bella lying in a pool of her own blood not three meters away from him, and lastly, he fucking drove her to the hospital in a hot car while she bled out. You cannot fucking tell me that Jasper just had a lapse in control, that the bloodlust of his family rendered him unable to resist. Nah, Bella just lost control of her powers that just so happened to be cooler than a shield. Because she learned how to master an ability that should’ve taken months and years to master in only a few months. The Volturi walked away and everyone except for Irina made it out alive, including the shapeshifters.

Anyway, in conclusion Bella is a BAMF who loses her brain cells over the course of two years.

#twilight renaissance #twilight #bella swan #edward cullen #jacob black #jasper hale #theories

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parniarazi · 4 years

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So...2020 has been interesting so far, right? Although I’ve been wanting to transition from sharing content on this blog to creating my own podcast/vlog in 2020, that’s something that I want to be put more time into thoughtfully creating since it’s new territory to me. Having this moment in time to breathe, spend some time at home, and really feel back into myself and my creative side has led me to wanting to still post on this platform. Just some patterns I’ve noticed lately, feelings the current state of the world has brought up, and lessons the universe has sent my way - maybe you’ll relate, take away something valuable, or at least have a little food for thought.

This year started off in a whirlwind with the tr*mp adminstration coming at my home country of Iran- for most people this is an old headline or moment in the news that is long past- but for Iranian Americans that’s a moment we haven’t forgotten. Being scared for the livelihood of our home country and family members who live there is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and seeing the following protests and both social/economic unrest just hurt my heart. The U.S. creates so much instability and pain in other countries and people here just forget about it and move on the next day, politics as usual. They don’t see the lives and people behind the headlines who are actually impacting by inflation and instability in their country - people who are just trying to feed their kids and live a normal life like the rest of us. These issues run deep, but this has weighed on my consciousness and stayed with me since then.

In February, I was reminded of the people who love me and are there for me on a daily basis. I had a lovely 4th year celebrating Valentines with my man, and my parents also showered me with love despite our distance now. I’m glad I’ve struck a good balance with my family - being close and seeing each other often but still having the necessary distance to grow up and make my own decisons wirhout their overbearing influence. I also got to visit my favorite city, spending some time in Austin again and see my favorite cousin/long distance bestie when she came to visit! School and work are overwhelming at times, but I’m more adjusted and handling my anxiety better. This semester seems near-impossible to handle with 2 internships, 2 graduate courses in a new field for me, and 1 job that I don’t particularly like. But it’s life and I gotta push through it!

Miraculously, things start to align after a pretty shitty mercury retrograde season in which I wrecked my car and dealt with a lot of financial stress. Time seems to be moving faster and I’m just trying to get through my days. I’m noticing this pattern of reconnecting with people from my past - from my old to best friend and neighbor from Kansas, to old internet friends and coworkers, there seems to a pattern of rekindling old connections and friendships. It’s really beautiful and I think a natural part of growing up, because it allows us to see what things change or don’t change over time, the poeple we’re still able to connect with, and who’s really meant to be in our life for the long run. It’s an odd feeling to connect with people from the past, but it makes me feel warm and nostalgic (and old, haha). I’m embracing it with a fully open heart, and I know the universe is sending people, old and new, into my life for a reason and it’s all part of my path.

Then this whole crazy cornavrius and public health pandemic start to get serious. Pavel and I are worried as it starts to rapidly spread and becomes the only topic the news is covering. Houston is a particularly dangerous spot, and we soon have to cancel some concerts we’ve had tickets to for months and our festival trip for our 4th year at Buku. I have asthma and Pavel has CF, so we are both at-risk for serious health complications if we come in contact with this virus since due to our pre-existing conditions.

At first, it’s just dealing with a lot of cancelled plans and upcoming trips - which end up being a blessing in disguise for those financial worries I mentioned. However, it becomes increasingly apparent that this public health pandemic is not affecting everyone equally. There are people who are losing their jobs because of the economic impact of this global issue, my dad even expresses concern over his job and company as the oil and chemical industry takes a hard hit. This breaks my heart because he’s been through a lay-off and recession before and it was hard on our family. He doesn’t deserve this stress or to have to go through that again. There are people much worse off though, people who work hourly and can’t make a living due to more and more businesses closing and events post-poning or cancelling.

The world is actually a mess - schools are cancelling, grocery stores are empty, and people are struggling to take care of their kids and find adequate healthcare if they are sick. Everything is political and how these situations are handled directly affects everyone, but of course those at the bottom take the hardest hits as always. I’m struggling to make sense of everything, as many others are too. To me, the weaknesses of our democracy are glaringly clear at a time like this, and being old enough to truly understand it from an economic standpoint too makes it even worse. Individualism is at its peak, as people hoard resources and allow panic and ignorance to take over. Lives are being entirely uprooted and changed, people are feeling serious and immediate effects of this scary time. Little to no support is offered to those most vulnerable - those with disabilities who can’t take care of themselves, elderly people, poor people without access to computers/internet or the money to bulk-buy food and necessities.

Yet people in this country are still afraid and think it’s too radical to elect a ‘socialist’ leader? The way other countries have taken care of people, provided food and resources, while middle-class Americans hoard toilet paper...I wish people had the capacity to understand what this reaction/situation is revealing about us. It says a lot about the disconnect between the American mentality and the actual reality of collective conciousness with the world/humanity.

There is a lot to be said and unpacked about this situation - politically, economically, and socially. But above all I can’t stop thinking about what the universe is telling us right now. Despite the luxuries we have and what life in this ‘first world’ country looks like - we are still human and susceptible to the same things that harm people on the other side of the world. We are not exceptional or special - we are just like anyone else, we are human, and anything that is a threat to humanity is a threat to us. Having modern luxuries doesn’t make us better than the rest of the world, it’s our humanity that connects us there is a larger ecosystem that governs us above any government that we need to respect. Disrespecting the earth, other countries, and other people will always come back to us.

With businesses being closed and global tourism coming to a halt, it’s fascinating to see the earth healing - from Italy’s waterways clearing up to America’s cities having clearer air than ever - capitalism truly proves to be the real epidemic to the earth. When the earth suffers and when we act like none of the pain and bad energy in the world will affect us, the universe reminds us we’re just human and we don’t have control over everything. In fact, we have less control over our lives than we even think if an invisible pathogen can uproot our entire everyday life. Lastly, we’re reminded of the importance of technology as something we’re seriously leaning into at a time like this. To keep us connected, keep us productive, and keep us informed, our technology is proving to more valuable than ever and it’s something that will grow as the peope socially distance but virtually come together.

The universe really needed to check us - for me this is such an important and necessary time for people to slow down, reflect, and think about what really matters. Our collective humanity. We have more in common than we do differences, and it’s literally impossible for one person or country to be better than another because we are all human and have the same fundamental needs of food, shelter, and healthcare. Any country that doesn’t provide those basic needs for their people can hardly be considered ‘first world.’ When billionaires retreat to their well-stocked and isolated homes, while the rest of us struggle to pay our bills and put food on the table - what does that say about us? Are we willing to accept and live in a world like this? Does any person really deserve healthcare more than another simply because of their economic status? To me, these things are what’s truly terrifying, not the virus itself but the scary truths it reveals about our society.

Personally, like I said I feel like I’m feeling these things on a deeper level now that I’ve moved out and am more aware of what it means to earn a living and the costs of life. I’m in an extremely privileged position, but I’m using that really consider how this affects different people and what it can teach me for the rest of my life.

1. Saving money is everything. You can work your entire life away and your company will lay you off no matter what you’ve done for them, and if you’re old and in need your government will say ‘sorry buddy good luck!’ Individualism kills, but that’s why getting your money right and having emergency savings is more important than anything else! This has taught me to prioritize having some seriously hefty savings before I book another trip or buy something I don’t actually need. My parents often tell me to not “spend like an American,” buying things I don’t need or simply want but don’t actually have the money for. I used to roll my eyes at this, but actually understanding the economic hardships they’ve lived through and the experiences that shape their views helps me realize the truth behind it. The American middle class is the biggest trap ever and can make you feel secure when you’re actually not unless you seriously save money and have it in multiple places. Capitalism perpeutes an endless cycle of desire and making you feel like you always need more, but when it all goes to shit, what will you have and be left with?

2. We need to slow down and tap into our collective conciousness more than ever. Maybe actually think about what other people are going through rather than centering yourself all the time. Other people exist and matter as much as you do, and your actions affect things and have a chain reaction. Not just right now, but always. Anything that affects another human being or harms someone else affects you, too because we’re all connected more than we realize. Energetically and literally! Humanity is an ecosystem, and when one part is hurting or damaged, it will eventually affect everything. The world is more connected than ever and we have to realize this, no matter how much media/politics tries to pit groups against each other and create divisions, we are all literally the same. And everyone deserves to live, no matter who they are and what resources they do or don’t have. We are all more interconnected and we need each other. People cannot continue acting selfishly and greedily the way they have been - our lives depend on the actions of other people and we need each other. We should really start acting like it.

3. The world literally cannot go on if we keep consuming and producing things the way we are. After this event, more poeple will work and go to school remotely, which is great because it results in less traffic, less pollution, and it’s better for many people with mental health issues or disabilities! But there are still serious considerations we have to make about what it means that the earth is finally getting a chance to breathe since we’re large businesses are shutting down. When it comes to travel, tourism, and economics, climate change is literally at the center of all of those issues. This is a manifestation of the earth having enough of our shit to be honest, and I wish more conversations were happening about that right now. The earth is a part of us and we are a part of it, and when it’s hurting that will catch up to us and hurt us back.

I suppose that’s all I have for now, but like I said there is so much to unpack but many useful conversations to be had around this current issue as we’re starting to see it’s effects on our world. I know that personally I’m at a huge privilege to be safe, healthy, have shelter and food, and be with someone I love right now. I hope by sharing this, I’ll spark some thoughts or simply have them to refer back to in the future when this is all behind us. The situation may pass eventually, but we shouldn’t forget what it’s desperately calling on us to shift our attention to. I’m honestly loving this extra down time, that we unfortunately don’t get enough, to simply be human and enjoy the company of our loved ones, sleeping in, having more time for our hobbies, or even doing nothing, as it’s necessary for humans to do sometimes! I hope this results in a shift in our collective conciousness that is desperately needed, but for me it’s affirming a lot of important things I already knew but needed to bring to the forefront of my mind. It’s easy to get overwhelmed right now and there’s a lot of change to adjust to, but the lessons the universe is sending us are invaluable right now and it’s imperative for people to think for themselves and think really critically about what’s happening, both for others and ourselves.

#words #personal #growth #coronavirus #humanity #conciousness #covid19 #2020 #self relfection

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ariswagbrams · 6 years

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Party Rocking || Aritty

WHO: Ari Abrams & Kitty Wilde [ @awildecard ], ft. Evie Miller

WHEN: Evie’s birthday party

WHERE: Evie’s apartment

WHAT: Awkwardness, tbh. Just lots of that.

Ari

“Y’know, in a way, I’m like, your very own Drogon.” Ari’s kinda tipsy. Just kinda. It’s a party and she doesn’t drink much, so whenever she drinks even just a bit, she gets a bit tipsy pretty fast. But it’s fine, cause that’s what parties are for. For getting kinda tipsy, and for wheeling the birthday girl around like she’s a badass Targaryen dragon. Rawr, etc. “Wheee!” Well, that’s not super dragon-like. But it’s whatever. She can be a badass dragon anyway.

“Mmkay Drogon needs a dorito break, Khaleesi.” She sort of nudges Evie off her lap, but in a nice way cause she’s her friend and Ari loves her. She’s not horse-faced at all, where’d Kitty come up with that, anyway? She’s obviously friend-faced. “We can go find you a Jon Snow later.” Ari chuckles as she pushes her chair away from her friend, cause she knows Evie is about as interested in having a love life as Ari herself is. Which is to say, super interested in theory but like, totally not into putting herself through the endless pain of making it happen.

“Heck yes, come to papa.” She practically sing-songs, wheeling herself to the snacks table and reaching for the dorito bowl that’s totally calling her name. Except- “Aw, man!” Someone left the bowl too far away from the edge of the snacks table, and she can’t reach. Luckily for her, Kitty is right there, and Ari’s face lights up at the sight. Cause she can hand her the doritos. Of course. “Hey, K-Dawg. Can I get a hand?”

Kitty

She’s not jealous. It’s not in her nature. And even if it was (a very real possibility she’ll never cop to), she’s certainly not jealous of horse face. And the way Ari is gleefully wheeling her around -- buzzed on the vodka she’d brought to share with her.

No, she’s not jealous. She just thinks’s it’s ridiculous for a woman of her age to be acting so childish. (Though if she like falls off and breaks her nose or something, Kitty supposes it won’t be the worst thing to happen). Honestly, can’t she find someone her own age to play with? The guy from the Six Flags commercial is probably free.

Whatever.

It's not a thing, her eyes are always green thank you very much! She’s just glaring because the lighting is poor, obviously.

At least that’s what she tells herself when Ari rolls up to her and asks for the Doritos. She doesn’t even try to hide the eye roll. “Why don’t you ask your Khaleesi to help you?” she says pointedly, even as she reaches for the bowl and shoves it a little harder than necessary in Ari’s direction - she’s not a monster, she’s not going to keep a girl from her snacks, even if she is unreasonably annoyed. Annoyed. Not jealous. Becuase she’s definitely not that.

Ari

Dayum. Kitty’s mad. Ari’s not like, the best at reading body language or anything, but even she can tell Kitty’s mad. There’s the near-shoving of the bowl, and the stank eye, and the way she says Khaleesi, like it’s a bad word or something. Which don’t even make no sense, man. Khaleesi is, like, the best. And she knows Kitty loves her some Daenerys T. So her problem is clearly with...

“What’s poor E-Mill done to ya, K-Dawg?” She munches on a Dorito, pleased to find it’s her beloved cool ranch flavor and not tex mex. Don’t get her wrong, she likes all doritos, but cool ranch is like, the Khaleesi of doritos. “You’re lookin’ at her like she’s Daenerys and you’re, like... Cersei, or something.” Ari grins, clearly teasing. “Told ya you’re a Lannister.” She pops a dorito in her mouth and winks at Kitty, cause she’s kinda tipsy and being kinda tipsy makes her do stuff like winking. Alcohol. Not even once.

“No, seriously, tho. You all right?” She tries to look concerned, but the eating is kinda making it hard so she swallows and leaves the bowl on the table with the rest of the snacks. Concerned face. Right. “It’s a party!” She shimmies her shoulders, hoping it’ll help Kitty crack a smile or something. “What’s botherin’ you, Your Grace?”

Kitty

Ari’s pretty tipsy. Kitty can tell because, well, Ari doesn’t drink often so it doesn’t take a lot. And it’s kind of cute if she’s being honest, but like -- in a way that only makes her annoyance grow. Because she’s happy. Ari’s happy wheeling horse face around her stupid party, and she doesn’t get that a lot. That carefree drunken silliness.

And who is Kitty to ruin that with her -- somewhere in the back of her mind she shudders -- feelings.

This is why it’s better when she doesn’t have any. Why she’s taken to shacking up with people she doesn’t have a ton for, and who definitely don’t have any for her. Becuase feelings make you vulnerable. And Kitty’s never been good at that.

“Nothing,” she shrugs, forcing a smile as if to prove her point -- see look how fine I am! “I’m a Lannister.”

Ari

Lies. Shaaaame. If she had a little bell, she’d start going ding ding ding while chanting ‘shame’ after Kitty cause that was a lie and it wasn’t even a good one. So Ari rolls her eyes dramatically and then pretends she’s hitting Kitty with a switch, complete with sound effect and everything. “You are not fooling me.” She points to her own eyes and then at Kitty, in the universal gesture for ‘I’m watching you’. At some point she stopped being Jaqen and started imitating some kind of Mr. Miyagi type character instead, but it’s whatever, cause she’s being serious.

Kinda.

“C’mon. You can tell me. I’m Ari!” Friendly, inoffensive Ari with the open ears and nothing else. Friend, friend, friend. Yep. A friend. That’s what she is. Not friends, however? “You havin’ Puckertroubles?” Ari likes both Puckergals, don’t get her wrong. They’re pretty cool. Hot and tall, and like... yeah. Cool. Not just friends, those two. They’re...def on a diff level. She doesn’t mind them. She just kinda minds their relationships with Kitty.

In a friendly way.

Sure.

Kitty

She’d hate Ari right now, to be honest. If like, that was a thing a person could actually do. Hate Ari. She’s pretty sure it’s scientifically impossible. She’d ask Miss Science Queen, but honestly, she’s pretty sure she’ll blurt out like five offensive things before she gets to the question, so it’s better this way.

But the point is, Ari makes it impossible. So while it’d be a hell of a lot easier to totally hate her for the feelings she didn’t ask to have. She can’t.

She also apparently can’t lie about it, which is also a total drag. What’s the point of being a hot southern Christian gal if she can’t tell a convincing lie? Or pull an I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-genuine smile?

So instead, she’ll focus on truths she’s comfortable.

“Nah,” she reaches for her -- vodka a mountain dew (more vodka than dew, but whatever), a weird combination, kind of like them -- and casually takes a sip. “Taking a break from Puckergals. It’s whatever.”

Ari

“Good.”

Her eyes widen. Like, wider than normal. She knows her eyes are big af always. But that was like, so not what she should’ve said, cause Kitty seems sad and she’s prob sad she’s no longer doing whatever with the Puckergals (she knows ‘whatever’ is prob all sorts of like, acrobatic sex, but she doesn’t really wanna think about it) and Ari is supposed to be her friend. So ‘good’ is def like, the last thing she should’ve said.

“I mean.” She clears her throat, suddenly wishing she’d never even had a sip of alcohol cause her brain is foggy and normally she can, like, be Kitty’s friend separately from someone who kinda likes Kitty but not in a creepy way or anything, just in a ‘you’re heckin beautiful and smart and I’d def love to date you but I’m not an awful person so I wouldn’t wish me upon you’ way. You know? She’s panicking, is what she’s saying.

“I mean I’m glad you’re good? That’s good.” Her hands grip her wheels and she pushes herself back a couple inches, just like, putting space between herself and Kitty because damn, son. She’s bad at this. “The whole Puckerlovin’s prob not all it’s cracked up to be.” A shrug. She wouldn’t know. She hears it’s the bomb diggity and she’s sure it’s true, but whatever. She’s not here to tell Kitty she should go back to them, right? “You feelin’ ok about the break thing?”

Kitty

“Yeah.”

She is good. Not like, in this moment, exactly. Honestly, she’s still a bit miffed that Bill Nye got to live out her personal wheelie fantasy like right in front of her or whatever. But she’s good with the Puckerbreak.

Or she will be. She likes them both. In like a sexy way and as people, but she knows it’s not going anywhere. Puckerladies have to be free. And Kitty’s kind of done with the jealousy every time Jackie looks at Marley for too long or flirts with some loser trampy girl. It’s not going to be more than sex ever with either of them, so there’s really no point in racking up hell points over it.

Besides, she’s kind of sort of realized lately, against all odds she actually likes spending time with Ari. And it doesn’t leave her feeling weird about herself or jealous (with the exception of this particular moment, obvs) - she actually, sort of feels good?

But like, she can’t just say those words. Outloud. To Ari. She’s a lot of crazy (beautiful, talented, smart) -- but she hasn’t totally lost her marbles.

So she settles for, “Like I said, it’s whatever. Jackie’s got a weird third nipple anyway,” or so goes her story, and she’s sticking to it. “It’s super gross.”

Ari

“Good.” She doesn’t take it back this time. If anyone deserves a gross, weird third nipple, it’s a Puckerman. Both Puckermans. “Gotta balance out all that...” she gestures at her own body, even if it’s frankly like, the saddest comparison ever when she actually means the P-sisters’ bodies, but she thinks Kitty will know what she means anyway. “All that.” Yeah. Let’s leave it at that. Kitty knows like, way better than Ari does, what ‘all that’ means. And Ari doesn’t really wanna think about it.

“So whaddaya wanna do?” Kitty is obv not happy, and she obv doesn’t wanna talk about it, so... what’s a nerd to do to help? “I have Netflix on my phone.” Wow. Impressive. Not like she’s been mooching Kitty’s HBO to watch GoT with her all this time. Smoooth. “Or uh... you can have my Doritos? Cool ranch.” That’s Ari’s love language right there. What else? She doesn’t have like, a ton of stuff to offer. Like she wants Kitty to not be sad or in whatever funk she’s in, but she’s like, the last person who should be in charge of cheering people up. Normal people, she means. If this was Evie or Sammy, she’d be pulling out Mario Kart or starting an impromptu D&D campaign. But Kitty is... Kitty.

“I just wanna cheer you up, K-Dawg.” She shrugs and smiles and sort of rolls her chair back and forth for a second, cause she doesn’t know if Kitty wants her to get lost or stay and she’s kinda giving her a choice, she figures. “So just tell me what you want. We’ll make it happen. I’m like, a director. I make heckin’ good magic happen.”

Kitty

It’s probably bad -- like, she definitely knows it is. Somewhere Sweet Baby Jesus is frowning and shaking his little baby head. But like this, right here, Ari sort of jumping over herself to make Kitty feel better is... actually making her feel better. And like she said, it’s wrong, she knows.

But fuck.

Regardless of whether or not it’s true, she’s always played second fiddle in the eyes of like every girl she’s ever liked. And then here’s Ari. Making a show of putting her first and it feels really good.

And while she doesn’t show it outwardly -- her expression still neutral and hard to read -- she does bend her knee just so, knocking it against Ari’s. (Is that weird? Can she feel that? Is that like super insensitive?)

“I mean... I wouldn’t pass up a ride to like the balcony. Pop culture has taught me that fresh air heals, like, all things,” and it’s also a really great way to change the topic, so it kind of works on both those levels.

Ari

Ari doesn’t really feel Kitty’s knee against her own, but she sees it, and she appreciates the gesture. She’s sure she’d like it if she’d felt it. Like, she’s sure she’d like to feel anything of Kitty’s against her to be honest, not that she should be thinking about that, because she’s not a creeper and this is like, totally the alcohol talking. She should drink more. Like, she should prob have drunk less, but that can’t be fixed now, so she may as well just drink herself into a stupor at this point to stop her brain from thinking about feeling Kitty against-

“Oh.” A ride, really? Ari doesn’t know if Kitty’s like, just saying that to make her feel less useless, like ‘yes, Ariana (why is she always Ariana in her head? prob The Mothership’s fault somehow), I totes need you to take me outside’. But you know what they say about horses, gifts, and mouths. If Kitty wants to like, sit on her lap and go out into the balcony? Aint’ nobody gonna complain.

“Hop on, Your Grace.” Ari pats her lap and then puts both hands on her wheels just to keep them from accidentally touching Kitty cause she’s not about the creeper lifestyle. “Just for the record, I hope Drogon never, like, lets Cersei ride him. We’ll just make an exception for right now.”

Kitty

Ari agrees, albeit a bit awkwardly, but Kitty doesn’t take it personally. Frankly, Ari runs a bit on the awkward side. And because she’s like the hottest person Ari will have on her lap all night (Kitty knows how to toot her own horn) so like she can’t even blame her if the nerves are a bit extra tonight, can she?

(and like... okay, so maybe she has a few anxieties of her own, too.)

Rolling her eyes, Kitty slides onto Ari’s lap, her heart doing a funny thing as she settles in. And despite the fact that Ari’s body is like... super tense, it still kind of feels.... nice? Not like, in a friend way. But in a ‘well this wouldn’t be the worst mode of transportation to take for the rest of my life’ sort of way, and kitty feels...

She feels a lot.

“It’ll be our secret,” she agrees, then taps Ari’s shoulder, “Get it, Drogon.”

#post::para #para::party rocking #para::kitty

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titheguerrero · 6 years

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Burnout Returns to Center Stage

A recent Mayo Clinic Proceedings guest editorial, by Yale University physician Kristine Olson, asks the question--to some of us it's far from a rhetorical one--whether burnout among her fellow physicians is in fact "A Leading Indicator of Health System Performance?" Seems to me that her gist is: yes, it surely must be just such an indicator. If she's right, then our system's performance is in a heap of trouble. What is burnout? Our fearless editor, Dr. Poses, has addressed it repeatedly, including a few months ago here in these pages. But burnout is actually hard to delineate and hard to quantify. People quitting? People getting a lot less efficient once they see they're on the hamster-wheel? Getting lousy performance ratings because they're forced to hang in? (Wishing they had another option?) Leaving front line medicine to go to industry? Leaving to clip coupons and bicycle in Provence? Well, to quote Justice Potter Steward in his inimitable pronouncement for his short concurrence in the 1964 SCOTUS obscenity proceedings, "I know it when I see it." I know burnout when I see it. So do you. You want a physician who loves her job enough to get good at it, because lives depend on that. How's that going for you? I've watched my best and brightest colleagues--or those who could find another job or afford to do so--leave in droves. Now the waves of new investigations of burnout are coming at us thick and fast. What's striking about the latest spate of writings on burnout is what it doesn't try to say. Which is to say: back at the turn of the century, or just before that, or just after that, the preponderance of published sentiment was on reinforcing providers' resilience. Essentially, pep talks disguised as exegeses on "professionalism." "Stiff upper lip, remember your values and for heaven's sake, keep your professional wits about you. That's now changed. The surfeit of real, serious challenges--external threats--from HIT FAN (Health IT FAke News) to the opioid crisis to maldistributed resources, are now finally being examined. We'll come back to whether it's too late for any of this. So here are some recent chances for readers to get, usually without a paywall, a look-see.

The redoubtable New England Journal has several recent entries in its 25 January 2018 number dealing forthrightly with the "crisis level" of the problem, beginning with a perspectives piece from National Academy of Medicine authors Victor Dzau et al., including colleagues from most of the major national organizations involved in training and accrediting physicians and their organizations. I hope they read this blog.

The article cited above embeds an excellent and downloadable audio interview with Tait Shanafelt, MD, of Stanford University, also on burnout. He helpfully points out how front line doctors--those in primary care fields like internal medicine, family medicine and pediatrics--bear the brunt of the burden. That is, they bear the burden reflected in the alarming rate of especially experienced practitioners peeling off rather than continuing to put up with the (now my words) losses of autonomy and coherence. More later on autonomy and coherence. (At Stanford, Shanafelt holds the title of "Chief Wellness Officer." That tells us something right there. At a website tied to fitness, the CWO is defined as somehow hired to "create work culture for employees to not only show up and perform, but thrive." Hey, any port in a storm. If removing noxious threats such as those above can be compared to wellness threats on exercise machines, like coach-driven anabolic steroids, then we're all for it. Let's get rid of the bullying managers along with the bullying coaches. Can CWO's effect such a change?)

In the same number of the Journal, one finds another superb piece by the now long established team of physician-journalists Alexi Wright and Ingrid Katz. Gott sei dank for the impact of young persons and women on health policy around medical worklife. Wright and Katz title their piece "Beyond Burnout -- Redesigning Care," not the shopworn twentieth century "Be More Professional" meme. They go on at length on the cost of losing experienced doctors, and describe one means of addressing the crisis created at the University of Colorado. In the so-called Colorado APEX project, which started (as many innovations do) in Family Medicine at UC, then spread to other departments and institutions, they show how certain burnout measured were cut dramatically. They conclude, though, with an admonition: "how [can] physicians can reclaim joy in the practice of medicine?" They're not sure, nor am I, whether managerial redesign of care, by itself, can "restore meaning and sanity" to the lives of providers. And this is not just about--in the main this is not about--making doctors' lives better. Not the real point. Doctors flake off, patients have longer wait times then have access to less and less experienced ones when they finally get to see them. Doctors lose that passion for the art when they're overwhelmed with prescriptive guidelines around the "science." Unclear which is more dangerous: doctors who burn out and leave, or those who burn out and stay behind.

Wright and Katz and a number of other observers cite what's turning out to be a seminal study published last fall in Mayo Clinic Proceedings. Authored by a team led by prominent internist Christine Sinsky, the piece provides all the evidence anyone will ever need to understand the magnitude of the crisis as well as some of its causes. Chief among those causes, a topic repeatedly and eloquently underscored (most recently here) in these blog pages by our own InformaticsMD, is the Electronic Health Record, or EHR. The blog post just quoted actually harks back, through a report in Medical Economics, to the same Sinsky piece mentioned at the start of this bullet.

There's been a lot of inkshed lately about the EHR as a cause of burnout. But what seems most likely is a murkier picture that means we have to look both across the causal spectrum and across the political spectrum.

Does having your practice swamped by addiction-crisis patients contribute as well to burnout? In an earlier blog we pointed to the phenomenon of physicians across the country "learning" about opiates, first becoming "convinced" of the non-addictive properties of drugs like OxyContin. In a word, later, realizing they'd been snookered--a real blow to the joy and coherence of medical practice. Not to mention the end-effect of whole practices being consumed by drug- and doctor-shopping by patients totally convinced that they "needed" continued use of these drugs to avoid pain relapse.

But wait. Burnout is multicausal. Physicians trained to practice public health and physiologically-based internal medicine are stymied by loss of control of their practice, as the managers insist on crowding their schedules with all comers. No choice. Firing a patient is well nigh impossible.

They're also stymied by the bizarre contradictions--see above and all the new articles--of the technology imposed by managerialism. Why is it imposed? The physicians know why, and there's nothing they can do about it.

It allows managers to "watch"--using all the wrong metrics--their performance.

It gives managers the illusion of control by means of counting--which in fact EHR does very badly--adherence by clinicians to clinical guidelines, even when the latter are ill conceived.

It allows managers to draw in more dollars through "compliance" with government-imposed standards, out of the Office of the National Coordinator (ONC) for Health Care IT, including the now justifiably much-maligned Meaningful Use standards. Some standards we came to know well, allowing managers to capture more dollars, include things such as the following.

pushing out end-of-encounter "Clinical Summaries" that contain nothing but erroneous lists of medications, and no plan, then leaving these near-worthless paper documents on printers when they were destined for patients

striving perversely to push out "eScripts"--electronic prescriptions--for a certain percentage of patients during encounters, requiring first the e-prescription followed by a web-page button indicating "I wrote this prescription electronically," followed by billing for an eScript: except that most patients already got their meds renewed outside of in-office encounters

the push to "upcode" from lower- to high-reimbursement level billing codes for greater charge capture, requiring nothing more than gross importation of macros and text blocks

this list goes on and on; this write knows inside out the perversities of the EHR

So the opiate crisis and the technology crisis have converged with still other forces that now becoming rampant. Chief among these is the much slower-simmering crisis of hyperspecialism. Students who would become great generalists cannot afford to do so because of crushing debt burdens. Their institutions impose drastic inflated costs on medical students while pushing, through both cultural and institutional pressures, these students to hyper-specialize in procedure-driven specialties whereupon they, too, can become part of the problem.

This last problem has been discussed on occasion over the years in HCRenewal by its editor, Dr. Poses, in his discussions of the secretive AMA-designated panel known as the RUC, the Resource Utilization Committee. RUC exposés are rampant--see here and here--and nothing new. But the result is that the AMA's efforts on behalf of its own heavily specialty-weighted membership have created within medicine an auto-cannibalistic food chain within which the profession, including academic medicine, essentially penalize their own most vulnerable. The most vulnerable who are in fact societally the most valuable. But since the AMA appoints the RUC, it is complicit in this autocannibalism, and therefore in the demise of physician worklife coherence. In his interview, Stanford CWO Shanahan states as much when we speaks of the particularly burdensome consequences of burnout among primary care physicians. (That Sinsky now spends some significant part of her time at the AMA is a good portent, we have to admit.)

So what are we left with? Earlier we said this is a multi-political problem. Look at the sources of the three causes of burnout discussed above.

The opiate crisis clearly stems from industry. Big Pharma, with one company, Purdue, allegedly leading the charge over several decades, gets the nod here. Not, as Wisconsin Sen Ron Johnson seems to think, the availability of Medicaid funds for addicted patients. Score one for private sector iniquity.

The EHR crisis clearly stems from Big Government. And probably, equally, industry, although when it started out the folks who brought you all the deficient EHRs were small entrepreneurs, nothing like Big Pharma. Score one for public sector iniquity. But Big Government brought them into the Bigs. Using by and large the wrong metrics. Medical managerialism then kicked in, bought the package, and went for the gold in them thar IT hills. That's the story of HITECH and even ACA as they sought out tech panaceas--the classic American technological imperative that brought us everything from the Interstate Highway System to the Moon Shot to the War on Cancer. And now this.

The relationship between public clinical needs and physician organizational resource mismatches is internal to the medical profession. "We have met the enemy and he is us." Score one for autocannibalism in a classic profession unable to regulate itself now, if it ever could before, in the face of all these new external forces.

Put all this on a SWOT analysis chart and you have a recipe for disaster. The one thing that both Big Medicine and Little Medicine had going for them in years past was autonomy and coherence. The autonomy couldn't survive in the 21st century, but the coherence--the joy of applying science to the individual patient--could have and should have. It is a flame still not extinguished. But faced with the forces we've discussed here, it is a flame flickering, just barely.

And the solution, like the problem, comes from every part of society, It therefore brooks no easy or solitary solution from either the left or the right extremes of political philosophy.

Article source:Health Care Renewal

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