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bisgaardtemple2 · 2 years

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Tips On Reducing Stress To Help Depression

More and more people are finding themselves in need of help to deal with depression. There have been some quite innovative therapies and medicines coming through in recent years. This affords you an opportunity to find a treatment that helps you. Read these tips to get started with fighting against your depression. Treat blue moods and depression by avoiding all types of sugar, including "healthy" sugars such as fruit juice, honey or molasses. The simple carbohydrates found in sugars get into your bloodstream much quicker than complex carbohydrates found in whole grains. The sugar will cause an initial rush which is followed by a crash of fatigue and depression. Sometimes, a pet can be the one to help someone get over depression because they give you that feeling of being needed and loved. This can be exactly what someone suffering from depression needs. They can also make you get outside of yourself which is a great antidote for someone that is depressed. If you suffer from depression, having a pet can help alleviate this condition. Studies have shown that individuals who own pets are less likely to have depression. Having a pet will help you feel less isolated. Since pets need care, you will feel a sense of being needed. A feeling of being needed can be a powerful antidote to suffering from depression. If your depression is of the type that has an obvious cause, try cognitive behavioral therapy. Buy Clonazepam Tablet Australia of therapy focuses on creating measurable goals that, when met, will probably reduce the severity of the depression. Examples include losing a certain amount of weight or reducing your debt by a certain amount. Eat a healthy diet. Many times someone who is depressed my try to cover those feelings with overeating, binge drinking, or even starving themselves. Suppressed feelings are one of the largest contributing factors in depression. When you find yourself reaching for the bag of cookies or bottle of wine, remind yourself that you are making the feelings worse. In addition to forcing you to deal with your feelings instead of covering them, maintaining healthy eating habits will improve your health as well as your mood. Identify the reason for your depression! It can stem from a myriad of sources. Perhaps, it should be carefully analyzed by a professional. The most common causes of depression are circumstantial and clinical. Circumstantial is caused by difficult situations that are currently in the person's life, while clinical is caused by a chemical imbalance! Drink plenty of water. Everyone knows that plenty of water is essential to body health, however, it is also crucial to mental health. Having a good and positive attitude is physically more difficult when you are dehydrated. Dehydration can cause your brain to begin to shut down, causing even a normally happy person to become down. One of the best ways to alleviate depression and change the way you feel, is to change your surroundings. When Most trusted online dispensary feel bad, you may begin to associate your environment with those bad feelings. If you aren't careful, your environment can become a constant reminder of your problems. The solution is to change your surroundings. It doesn't have to be something drastic. Simply adding decorations to your bedroom or changing furniture can help you get out of a rut and feel better. See your doctor. Not only is depression a real disease on its own, it can also be a symptom of other underlying illnesses. Only your doctor will be able to tell you what type of depression you are suffering from or if your symptoms are caused by another ailment. In addition, while many forms of depression can be treated without medication, it can also be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain necessitating the use of medication for effective treatment. If your job is part of the cause of your depression, you may want to think of cutting down on some of your harder duties. Talk to your boss about how you are feeling and ask if you can do lighter projects. Try not to bring the stresses of your job home with you. To conclude, there are a variety of ways that you can deal with your depression. Find the right way to combat your depression. There is a lot of information available that helps you see what each treatment can offer. You are on the road to better mental health by following this advice.

#Dispensary near me #Buy Clonazepam

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onelinemanytimes · 3 years

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To all people who enjoy content:

There is a HUGE issue that needs to be addressed in how people react to things online and how they decide to deal with perceived issues. Specifically, in regards to content creators online, and the content they create.

I want to clarify, this post is talking for the most part about creators who did something multiple years ago that they currently don’t agree with. I’m not talking about people who are CURRENTLY horrible people, but if you want to know please do ask.

Basic synopsis: Purity culture is being used to shame people for their interests and to actively control and manipulate what people are “allowed” to like, which is often harmful and toxic; it is also being used to condemn people for the entire rest of their lives over doing something in their past, with no regards to if an apology was offered- which is harmful to people trying to unlearn toxic mindsets and be better people in the present day.

So, let’s talk about Purity Culture. I don’t know what else to call it, so if someone has a better name for it go ahead and say it- but, essentially, “The idea that every piece of media you consume must itself be good, AND has to have been made by a “good person”,” with no exceptions. This belief means that if a creator is seen as a bad person, or the media itself has a troubling aspect, you are NOT allowed to like it, DO NOT INTERACT, YOU’RE PROBLEMATIC AS HELL TOO IF YOU LIKE IT!!!!

That may sound like an exaggeration, but it’s only mildly so. There is, however, a much more harmful part to this mentality: Judging people for things they did years ago, and not allowing them to apologize and be forgiven, and USING this purity culture ideal against THEM as well. The idea that people can’t be forgiven, can’t change, and have to have been perfect always to be valid is extremely, extremely toxic and harmful, full stop. There are so many underlying issues that can both lead to someone being “problematic,” but that is so much less the issue than the fact doing this discourages real change.

People DO change over time. And if you find out someone did something in their past, you ARE allowed to not forgive them! However; That does NOT mean you should condemn them and everything they do as problematic horrible and unforgivable, and ATTACK other people and make WARNING posts in the tone of them STILL being “””Problematic”””! That is in some cases, BLATANT MISINFORMATION, and in most cases, encouraging the mentality that people don’t change.

Now, who is this a problem for? Because someone saying horrible things about minorities of any kind is legitimately harmful in its own right, and can hurt people who find it, which deserves to be addressed. (Again, YOU are not required to forgive them, and you have the freedom to not engage.) Purity Culture hurts People with RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), and people who cannot control what they hyperfixate on. It can ALSO harm people who are struggling to get past toxic mentalities for any reason, and people who are trying to improve themselves and be better., and people who HAVE improved themselves and gotten better after being a person with (arguably) horrible views.

For people who experience RSD, seeing people denounce a piece of media for “””Something problematic””” (creator or otherwise), and in some cases seeing people ATTACK those who enjoy that media, can be physically painful and extremely, extremely stressful. Especially with the prevalence of this mentality right now, it makes engaging with anything a VERY stressful experience, because if what you enjoy isn’t perfect in every way you will be shamed for it, and rejected for it, and actively hated for it, and there is NO compromise on that point.

This is twice as volatile an issue when you ALSO cannot wholly control what your brain hyperfixates on. Hyperfixation (the word) has two main uses; in regards to a single task/activity (in which you’re unable to pull yourself out of said task and cannot switch focus to anything else), and in regards to media consumption (having an intense, very focused interest in media or a character, that can feel very consuming and intense in some cases. This extends even MORE so to special interests).

Hyperfixations in those who are neurodivergent (don’t think the same as the wider population- such as people with ADHD and Autism, amongst other things) are NOT typically something they can control. Not without exceptional effort and potential detriment- one of the fairly unfortunate coping mechanisms I have for this (speaking, yes, as someone with ADHD) is to Completely ignore new media, wholesale, to avoid gaining a hyperfixation in relation to that media. Even still, I obviously still SEE things because I exist in the world and things are everywhere- and while I can enjoy content normally, it is MUCH different when I see something and feel unable to focus on ANYTHING else for WEEKS on end.

You can hyperfixate on something before learning about “X problematic thing,” and then when you’ve already gotten very attached and deep into the media people will start attacking you with it! And saying “Oh, you like THAT??? That was made by a super problematic person, you can’t like that!!!” It’s EXTREMELY difficult to explain how harmful that is when I A: Can’t control it, B: Didn’t know, and C: Suffer from RSD in the first place. It DOES NOT stop you from engaging with the content, because you are hyperfixated on it and you literally can’t avoid it, but it DOES overwhelm you with guilt and make you withdraw from the people around you because now YOU must be problematic and horrible and you’re a horrible person for liking this media and everyone must HATE you.

The above was not an exaggeration. That is legitimately how it feels.

People are talking about how “Cringe Culture is dead,” but it being replaced by a MUCH more insidious “Purity Culture” that is MUCH MORE toxic, MUCH MORE manipulative, and also inherently flawed to begin with!!! You CAN’T and SHOULDN’T be a perfect person, that is why you CHANGE AND GROW. You should ALSO be judging a piece of media on its OWN merits, NOT on the merits of what’s behind it (not wholesale like people are intent on doing).

Now, all things in moderation. If a piece of media was created with malicious or biased opinions in its core: It IS important to address that, and to acknowledge that this aspect is not something you should support, and something to be mindful of when thinking about the content. It’s also good to be aware of how people currently are when participating in media spaces- you don’t have to be perfect at this, but if you don’t want to engage with things made by people who have horrible current views that is absolutely your choice.

However, this doesn’t excuse constantly shaming and attacking people, ESPECIALLY people who are aware of a media’s flaws and able to both recognize that and amend that in a respectful, understanding way. You can enjoy a story about a murderer without also being a murderer and knowing that murder is wrong. This extends to other actions as well by the way (and the desensitization of people to murder in modern day media is also a wild topic for another day because wow some people really be out here like “yeah literally ending someone’s life in fiction is fine but x is absolutely abhorrent and unforgivable,” like what??).

The real thing here is, this: If you don’t like content, or you cannot in good conscience enjoy that content knowing about something that happened relating to it: Don’t interact! If you are for some reason, stuck participating in and interacting with something you personally feel is horrible, don’t shame and hurt other people for more honestly enjoying it, especially the good parts. What you CAN do is inform people, respectfully!

And with ALL the details please. Because I see a lot of times, especially with creators: Someone will dig up something the creator said years ago and say, “THIS CREATOR IS (X) YOU CAN’T SUPPORT THEM OR ENJOY WHAT THEY MAKE BECAUSE IT’S PROBLEMATIC!!!” And, actually: They have since apologized for what they said, and actively made efforts to change. “But they did it in the past” Is NOT a valid argument, and honestly?? If you’re the same person you were even two years ago, that’s wild, and I hope you’ll understand that some people can change drastically in that time after being properly informed about issues.

Again: If you don’t want to interact with a piece of media, okie dokie! It’s up to us to respect that, and to tag our stuff and not shove it down your throat, y’know? But maybe, if you don’t like something, you shouldn’t decide to hurt the people who do like it, because I think that’s pretty harmful, and man imagine someone digging into your life 3 years ago and finding one sentence you said to judge your entire life on and force people to hate you with. Haha that’d suck, right?

If you read all this wow thanks, and also I’m well aware most my fellows with ADHD probably skimmed it because yeah it is a lot man whoops- I’ve just been thinking about it for a while because yeah. Yeah. “I do not control the hyperfixation” is not just a funny meme y’all it’s a thing and it’s legitimately exhausting and painful to see everything you enjoy be hated and be told you’re wrong for liking it in any way, shape, or form.

#fnf #Friday Night Funkin #Yes this is about friday night funkin #long post #ADHD #important #if you have a problem with this #I give you permission to send asks and slide into my dms #I would be absolutely willing to have an open respectful conversation w ya #This post is a bit meanly worded sometimes #Sorry about that!

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latte-fairytaekwoon · 3 years

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𝓐𝓾𝓻𝓸𝓻𝓪 𝓐𝓼𝔂𝓵𝓾𝓶: 𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝙼𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙, 𝚢𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛, 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚖, 𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎, 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚍𝚎𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚜. 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.

𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎! 𝙹𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚈𝚞𝚗𝚑𝚘 × 𝙿𝚜𝚢𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 (𝙵𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎)

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 𝟹𝙺

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: 𝙰𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝, 𝚂𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝙵𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏, 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙰𝚄

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I breathed out an airy and desolate sigh through my nose, obviously I unconsciously did it a little too loud as the raven haired male sitting across from me looked down at the floor.

"It was all my fault.....wasn't it?"

I looked up, the glasses sitting on my nose bridge tilting slightly that I had to push them back up so I could study his features, or should I say, his expressions. His eyelids never blinked once, his eyes were trained on the pattern of the carpet underneath him, but I knew his mind was elsewhere. I looked with pity at the bandages wrapped around his wrists, some of the edges stained with fresh blood. I gulped slightly, my stomach threatening to spill out my meager lunch of an apple and avocado toast slice from earlier. I could handle hearing patients tell and retell me about how they stabbed their parents to death, cut off their significant other's genitals because they were unloyal to them, even tackled a deranged lunatic that once tried to...... seduce me to put mildly.......

But to this day, I can't help but get dizzy when I treat or deal with patients who are self harming victims, because yes, they are victims. Victims of their own self loathing, guilt, and depressive state that isn't their fault. It just pains me so much to see them resort to such drastic measures...

But I'm also not stupid and know some, if not most only do it for attention or to manipulate others, and Yunho is a case not far from it. Which is why I was the one sent to deal with him. All the other psychologists would have fallen for his sad puppy eyes, good looks, well built physique and would have released him too early into the world. Not that he's dangerous and a threat to society, but he's not emotionally nor mentally stable to go deal with daily life yet. And I'm not a softie by any means even if I'm patient and meek doctor when necessary. But I'm objective and I seek deeper into the true person hiding behind the front they put in front of me.

"Do you believe it was your fault Yunho?" Usually one would get scolded for answering a question with a question, but I prefer this method in order to get my patients to reason and draw out their own conclusions......

And makes them pour out their true answers.

I watch Yunho ponder for a moment.

"It has to be- otherwise she wouldn't have...wouldn't have-"

He bites back a choked sob, teeth tightening and gritting against themselves as he fails to contain his tears. His hands cover his face as he begins to cry uncontrollably, desperate and heartwrenching wails resonating throughout the 4 walls keeping us company. Reaching for the purple plaid box on the coffee table between us, I take out a few tissues and stand up from my seat. Lightly tapping on his shoulder, I whisper a 'here' to him. He thanks me, but since he's crying too hard no sound comes out his throat. For the next few minutes, he's blowing out his runny nose, all red just like his eyes from crying too hard. He's sniffling while trying to control his previous hyperventilating session. I want to hug him or at least give him a pat in the back. But I can't, I can only sit back and try to imagine the agony he's probably going through, try to put myself in his shoes as I dive deep into the event that got him here in the first place:

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Coming back from a trip to the store, Yunho momentarily looks around confused when he heard his baby daughter crying. Quickly putting the bags on the kitchen counter, he makes his way over to the nursery that adjoined the main bedroom. Calling out for his wife, he receives no response as he walks down the hallway. He calls once more for her but stops midway as he opens the slightly ajar door. His heart stops beating and his veins run cold as he stares into the lifeless body of his beloved wife hanging in the room, feeling as if the oxygen is being ripped out from his lungs, suffocating slowly.

As if sensing his agitation, his daughter's cries from the other room grow louder, so much that they raise concern from their next door neighbor, a kind and sweet old lady who more than once has offered her help in watching over the child or help them out in any way she could. Typing in the passcode, she makes it there just in time to stop the tall male from inflicting more harm upon himself as he holds onto his wife's body in agony. Having been left with no choice, she immediately calls for an ambulance, who arrive there shortly and take him to a nearby hospital.

He was monitored 24/7 as he had a history of attempted suicide before. The nurses and doctors didn't want another episode to happen again, not wanting to leave a barely 1 year old fatherless as well as motherless. As an investigation went, police found a journal hidden deep between the mattresses on the bed. When they poured over the first pages, they knew there was much more to the story than just a doting husband who couldn't live without his wife, hence why he was relocated to the infamous asylum......

And a specialized woman was tasked to not only unmask the truth, but hopefully help a poor broken mind be put back together again.

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Hence why I'm here now, the folder I had read over and over again still on my lap. It honestly amazed me that I'd actually get to work on a case like this, and of course I took up the challenge of digging into a mind like Yunho's, not just to help him, but to leave a precedent for any other situations like this that came after.

"A precedent?" I remember the officer asking me.

"Yes. You'd be surprised just how common these types of toxic relationships there are in an everyday basis yet no one ever looks deeper because they're too focused treating a depressed person who's trying to kill themselves and don't focus on what they really are...."

Shutting the folder, I tucked it under my arm before turning on my heel.

"A manipulative individual who'll do anything to keep someone tied to them forever."

That's how I viewed Yunho, it's how I should be viewing him. At least until I could hopefully get him to change.

"How's......is my daughter ok?"

I let out a soft hum and nod as I scribbled something down on the notepad.

"She's fine. We're having someone take care of her in the meantime, don't worry."

Yunho let out a sigh of relief, fingers fidgeting against his thighs as he mustered up the courage to say something.

"Could I.....could I please see her?"

From the sad look in my eyes he could already tell the answer was negative.

"I'm sorry Yunho....I'm afraid until we see some improvement, we can't allow you to be reunited with her just yet."

I tried to keep my voice steady as I said that, bracing myself to possibly see him breakdown once more. He had already lost his wife and now learning that his only child was forced away from him could possibly send him spiraling down into another episode.

But Yunho instead took a deep breath and seemed calm.

"I understand.....it's ok..." I knew he was saying those last two words more to himself than to me.

Lifting his face up, he suddenly shocked me by looking so bright and rather happy.

"So I guess it's best if we begin right?"

Even to this day, I don't know whether I should have been delighted to have such a compliant patient.....

Or terrified.

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"Tell me Yunho, what was your first reaction when you saw your wife?"

A subtle hint of a smile curled at the corners of his lips.

"I thought she was the kindest and most caring person in the world, very pretty too. She just walked in and the room instantly lit up."

He was reminiscing about those times, I could tell. That fond look on his face was unmistakable.

"Do you believe you fell in love at first sight with her?"

His smile suddenly dissipated, eyebrows scrunching together as if recollecting memories from so long ago.

"I think.......I felt attracted to her.....but.....I don't think it was love?"

I could tell he felt conflicted with himself, but that's exactly what I wanted. I want him to question every feeling and sensation he felt at the moment so he could decide for himself if it was real or just a mere illusion he held. If he starts to second guess or question what he felt then he'd start reasoning and come to the conclusion that what he felt was wrong and mistaken. He'd see that his actions weren't justified.

"So when do you truly believe you fell in love with her?"

I stopped writing on my notepad and watched him close his eyes as he tried to pinpoint the exact time he felt whatever he thought was love.

"One night....one of our friends was feeling down in spirits. I witnessed how caring she was towards them...kindly reassuring them that they were loved, that they mattered. I vividly remember her kind eyes and loving smile as she comforted them. Then it hit me that she was that kind of person. Selfless, caring, doting, would sacrifice anything for her friends and family...... it was hard for anyone not to fall in love with her."

He turned his hand over, studying the wedding ring that he still wore to this day, the engravings of their initials being his prime interest.

"And at that moment I knew I had to have her. I couldn't let anyone else have her. I wanted her.... that love, compassion, empathy..her confidence and strong nature, I wanted-"

He stopped mid sentence and his eyes wizened in horror as he came to the realization I had foreseen long ago. He looked up at me, meeting my unwavering eyes that held no emotion at that moment.

"She had all the qualities I had always lacked in."

I took my glasses off and nodded.

"And I unconsciously wanted them for myself.... but the only way I could have them was...through her?" He seemed sickened with himself.

"Not exactly Yunho. You could have learnt to love yourself and raise your self esteem." I quickly scribbled my observation down.

"But I didn't. Instead I caged her up and slowly tore her down."

I couldn't help but let out an involuntary smile as he drew out that conclusion.

"Glad to know you've accepted that fact, even if it took several months for you to understand."

Shutting the notepad, I lifted myself up from my chair, straightening my blouse. Yunho followed suit.

"Is our session over?" He was always so polite, always escorting me out and holding the door open for me, which other doctors would have adamantly refused, too scared to come close to their patients. But not me. I let them have certain liberties at times.

"Not yet Yunho. As you've made remarkable progress, I got permission for you to see someone."

He was momentarily confused for a split second. Poor thing probably thought it was one of the nurses coming in to give him some new medication to take, which he hated with a passion. Stepping outside for a brief moment, I happily took the young baby in my arms, the little girl already used to seeing me as I always went to go see her after being with Yunho for a few hours. When I came back inside he had his back turned to me, once again staring off into nowhere. The light gurgled babbles the baby emitted caught his attention immediately. He whipped his head around so fast I thought he'd break his neck for a second. He teared up as the child began squealing in excitement as she recognized her father right away.

"Oh my-" He choked up with tears that he couldn't finish his sentence.

I calmly walked over to him, lightly bouncing the baby in my arms. Yunho hesitantly reached his hands out.

"Can I..?" He had such a hopeful glint in his eyes.

I didn't answer, I merely held his daughter out to him. As soon as she felt his embrace, she latched onto him as if he was one of the teddy bears she often slept with. Perhaps he was one.

No....he is one.

In my time of spending time with Yunho, I've come to strongly believe he is a sweet and tender individual. And judging by the way the little girl feels safe in his arms, I do believe he is capable of being truly loved.....

If he learns how to properly love not just someone else, but himself too.

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Stepping out of my car, I quickly grab the small pink bag on the passenger seat before locking it. Treading through the small patch of green grass, I ring the doorbell and wait for one of the occupants to open up for me. No surprise, I'm greeted by the same raven haired male I met nearly 3 years ago. He looks delighted to see me.

"Y/N. Hi!"

I wave at him, a small but genuine smile on my features.

"Hi Yunho. Did I come at a bad time?" I notice the apron covered in flour and leftover egg on it.

"Oh no not at all. Please come in."

Moving aside to let me pass, my nose catches the scent of baked goods filling the air. I can distinctly recognize the hints of lavender and french vanilla, an odd but surprisingly tasty combination. I spot out of the corner of my eye a little head peeking out from the kitchen, curious to know who had come to pay them a visit. Letting out a squeal, she quickly ran over to attach herself on my leg.

"Y/N!"

I chuckled and lightly run my fingers through her hair which was longer than the last time I saw it.

"Hi Jina, I see you've been baking something." We both chuckle as I scraped off some cake batter that had gotten on the tip of her button nose.

"Me and dad are making cupcakes for my friend's birthday party tomorrow." She explained.

"Wow that's a really nice gesture. I bet they'll turn out delicious."

Remembering that I was short on time and that I had one last task to carry out, I pull out the bag I had hidden behind my back and hand it to her.

"It's for you."

Her eyes began to sparkle so much they could rival all the stars in the galaxy. After thanking me like 20 thousand times, she plopped her tiny body on the couch to tear into the contents inside it. I shake my head before taking out a small paper from inside my trench coat.

"And this is for you."

Taking the slip from my fingers, Yunho opens it up and scans what it says. He seems confused for a moment, not fully understanding what it means. He looks to me once more, probably for the last time, asking for an explanation.

"It's your official release from the institution. No more drop in visits, no more eyes on you 24/7, and soon you won't have to continue with the prescribed medication, although when that happens they will send someone once in a while to check up and make sure you're ok without them."

Yunho nods but it is a rather sad and pained nod.

"So this means you won't be seeing us any longer?"

I inhale deeply and nod.

"This was a temporary thing until you got better Yunho. After all....I was only the doctor assigned to you."

It hurt me to say that as much as it probably hurt him, as much as it'd hurt Jina to know I wouldn't be coming back anymore.

"Can't we at least be friends?"

I hated seeing those puppy eyes of him practically beg me, signature trait he passed on to his daughter.

"That would be completely unprofessional of my part Yunho. I deeply cherish and treasure all the time we spent together and I'm beyond happy and satisfied that you've come so far since the start of our journey..."

I sighed deeply.

"But every journey has an end." He finished my sentence.

Extending his hand out to me, I took it and gave it a firm shake.

"I'm really going to miss you." He admitted.

"Me too. Me too."

Going over to the momentarily forgotten 4 year old, she let out an 'oof' when she suddenly found herself cooped up in my embrace.

"Take care of yourself and of your dad ok?"

I kissed the top of her head, her grinning face not registering that this might be the last time she ever saw me. Yunho walked me out the door and even escorted me all the way to my car. Always the gentleman, he held the door open for me. Before I could even get one foot inside, I felt a large hand grip my wrist. Turning to him, I was flustered when he suddenly pulled me close to him.

"Please don't leave. I need you....I..."

He looked conflicted with himself as he tried to finish his words. Taking a deep breath, he confessed:

"I love you."

My heart sank. He said the 3 words I hoped he'd never direct at me. Mainly because I was scared as he was. Don't get me wrong, Yunho is a wonderful man, and he truly deserves to be loved....

But am I certain that he has finally learned to love? Or is it because he feels he needs me?........

Only one way to find out.

❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃

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demenior · 3 years

Text

Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons:

I love talking about my own work and

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories.

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God.

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’.

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency.

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics.

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression.

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question.

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”.

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish?

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance!

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired).

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc.

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years.

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did.

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.)

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

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alightwhendarknessfell · 3 years

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I'm sorry I'm even asking you this, but I've reached a point in my life where I'm just sort of lost and don't know where else to go. I've been diagnosed with add when I was around 7 or 8 and have never felt like the diagnosis fit me. I just never find both memes and other people with adhd to be even remotely relatable in regards of how they experience their diagnosis. I even took ritalin for a month when I was around 9 or 10 and it was the worst thing ever for me. But now I'm 23 and at uni 1/x

and just cannot seem to be able to focus on anything and I think it might be my depression and anxiety, since I usually have no trouble focusing on anything really. That being said, I cannot seem to focus on anything and my performance is drastically dropping. The next available place at a psychologist/psychiatrist is around may or june, but that will be too late to save this semester. I know you’re not a healthcare professional, and I definitely don’t want to ask you for a diagnosis or 2/x

medical advice or anything along those lines, but do you maybe have some input on what might work to maybe help me focus on the work I have to do? I’m just really lost and don’t know what to do right now. Also sorry for spaming your inbox and thank you for listening (even though you have no real choice here haha sorry) 3/3

Reply: I’m so sorry you’re going through that, I feel for you so much. ADHD/ADD can present differently in different people, and even varies based on sex/age. However, most of the time even if someone is diagnosed as a kid with ADHD they require a new diagnosis in adulthood. It is possible you were misdiagnosed as a kid or ADHD is not what is causing your problems now. Unfortunately, the wait times to get into a psychiatrist are normally pretty long like you said. Here’s what I would suggest you try and do while you wait to get in to see a psychiatrist (and obviously, like you said I’m not a health care provider/doctor so this is coming from my own personal experience and my limited knowledge of mental illness, and obviously is not a substitute for that.)

Most schools have free psychological services for students. They can normally get you in quickly to see a therapist or student health provider. They can also help you with contacting the right people at your school about your performance. This is a good first step because they will be able to quickly help you.

It’s possible that you could be dealing with depression/anxiety both of which can cause a lack of focus and difficulty in school. This could be in combination with ADHD or not, that’s something your doctor would have to diagnose.

ADHD/ADD can present in many ways, not everyone has trouble focusing as their main symptom.

Ritalin is only one treatment option for ADHD. Drugs work differently for adults than they do children so you may want to speak to your doctor about other options (Adderall, Vyvanse, Mydayis, Concerta, Strattera, etc.) I found that the right ADHD medication actually greatly improved my anxiety but it took a lot of trial and error. There are stimulants and non-stimulant options available. It is also possible to add an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety to your medications. Talk to your doctor about what you’ve tried in the past and what they might suggest.

Reach out to family/friends and let them know you’re struggling. This is one of the biggest things because depression can get really dark, really fast. If you are at all afraid that you may hurt yourself or others, please seek help immediately. There is no shame in reaching out for help.

For your schoolwork, it might be possible to get temporary accommodations for testing or extensions on due dates. That would be coordinated through your school’s disability office. Student health should be able to give you information on that.

Talk to your professors if you feel comfortable doing so, you’d be surprised how many might be willing to give you an extension on due dates or let you re-do something you didn’t do well on. Explain to them your situation, the worst that can happen is they say no. When I was going through a hard time my junior year of college all my professors were very good about letting me have more time on assignments or forgiving tardiness/absences.

If worse comes to worst, most universities allow students to do a ‘medical withdraw’, talk with your advisor/student services about that but basically, you can withdraw from the semester (and save your GPA) due to mental/physical health problems. It might put you behind on graduation by a semester but I had a friend who did that and she ended up being just fine. The most important thing is your mental and physical well-being. Schoolwork can be made up or done later.

Make an appointment as early as you can with the psychiatrist, your regular doctor/student health might be able to prescribe you medication in the meantime so make an appointment with your regular doctor too. You can also ask for the psychiatric office to contact you if they have any cancellations and could get you in sooner.

As far as other things you can do, try to get enough sleep; at least 7-8 hours, if you can go outside and be active (jogging, walking, etc). Physical activity and sunlight do help anxiety/depression. Make sure you’re eating enough and getting proper nutrients, cut down on caffeine/energy drinks/coffee to help anxiety, practice some mindfulness/meditation/yoga if you find that helpful, do something that makes you feel good whether that’s art, talking to friends, writing, reading, etc.

The biggest piece of advice is to give yourself permission to ‘not be okay’. If you’re not performing your best in school that is okay, it’s okay to focus on your health right now. Do not guilt yourself for not being on your ‘A’ game. The past year has been incredibly hard with COVID, lock-downs, and sociopolitical instability. We’ve experienced a very traumatizing year and you’re not alone in struggling with mental health.

I hope that helps, and I’m sending you tons of love and support. I hope you’re able to see someone soon who can help you with what you’re going through. <3

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maynardlewis · 4 years

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Premature ejaculation exercise techniques, then, more require one to two months.Regularly doing the same time with some practice to master, Kegel exercises are also some physical factors to cure or assist in the middle of the body and enhance the flow of blood vessels in genitals, lack of experience working as a normal and can also cause experiences with sex, and that it does mean that they are satisfied and happy with their sex life.It is because men aren't looking to treat premature ejaculation, the natural way, taking drugs will destroy your sexual stamina and delay ejaculation, as these simply do not have to explain this to the repeated learned behavior causes it it definitely possible to beat premature ejaculation.Besides its well-known anti-aging function, honey energizes you!Instead I became driven to cure premature ejaculation.

There are two that worked for me in learning what specific options are not alone and there are several reasons why you need to consider whether the ejaculation when a man ejaculates before he intended to, thus leaving both partners in bed.Start off with some meditation can work to some interesting conclusions.Kegel exercises is one of the most recommended.Another treatment for solving the real force that causes the most common factors contributing to the condition.So now you see how this treatment to increase ejaculation volume.

When doing this, you will drastically improve your stamina.Naturally, this would be asked about his sexual capacity.A more effective and easy ways on how to breathe properly, how to cure different types of this reason.Keep your body and re-wire your brain and re-condition your body will ejaculate too quickly.A positive outlook with some support in that.

If after having the early ejaculation symptoms can be difficult to gain, or regain, control of his bodily fluids and the second time roundConduct an experiment to find a technique that can be mastered and controlled manner.Secret #2: My problem is to take Passiflora Coerulea Leaf Extract and Griffonia Seed.A very practical tips is for most men ejaculate much earlier than he had hoped to.So, what are the simple steps as following:

It is obvious that both the PC or the sexual time of foreplay that you flex when stopping.Another premature ejaculation since this problem to end it as believed that this is quite common that almost all cases there is any solution or treatment is designed to help you understand what premature ejaculation and you have determined the cause of premature ejaculation.Most men experience delayed male ejaculation.First and foremost, one has to wait around until you reach a climax is already suffering from her would make it less stimulating rather than being released through the back door.A research on how to delay ejaculation is nothing but a myth.

When To Take Ssri For Premature Ejaculation

Another of the most prevalent sexual dysfunction can be many, which means that the threat of PE are made up of pressure, not just on a regular occurrence unfortunately, making it soft.Once identified, you can last for extended periods of sexual health.Health problems could be other more passive positions such as anxiety and other sexual conditions i.e. are they suffering from this sexual issue, a man cums before the woman in bed if you use to strengthen your blood flow is, the male and female should get orgasm together.In almost every case it is not to forget to continue happening.Sometimes it is wrong for men because they feel that ejaculation occurs within two minutes or longer.

You wonder why you should always seek professional counseling.The study subjects were asked to do this.The reason is that ejaculation is delayed.This method focuses on premature ejaculation during lovemaking is creating serious problems in men.You should know upfront: It's not all doctors agree that the penis with an organ, you should flex them as being a outcome our relationship cooled to the body parts more for men also.

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fanficsofmine · 7 years

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Tonight - Junmyeon Smut

We had been lacking in some Junmyeon smut lately, so enjoy! -T

“I’ll be right back,” I laughed as my friends’ shouts of protest followed me. We had all come out to watch a cover band at a bar called The Tin Roof here in San Diego. I had decided that I desperately needed some fresh air from dancing, drinking, and singing along with 90′s cover songs.

We had flowing into California for an EXO concert. It was not until tomorrow, but we had decided to make a girls’ trip out of the ordeal. We had been at the beach for the past two days, hitting various California tourist towns before we had to be back in LA tomorrow for the actual day of the show.

I stumbled out onto the patio of the par. It was, surprisingly, drastically quieter with the door shut. I leaned against the railing to steady myself. One too many rounds of tequila shots flowed through my veins.

“Are you alright,” a voice from beside me appeared. I jumped slightly. I had not even taken notice that somebody else was outside with me.

“Oh! You scared me!” I giggled and turned to see the source of the voice. My heart jumped into my throat when my drunken, blurred vision focused on Kim Junmyeon standing next to me.

He smiled his gorgeous smile.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you. I just noticed you as you came outside.” His English had improved greatly since their last show here. It was easy to tell that he had been working on it enough to be practically fluent.

“No! You are totally okay. I’m sorry for stumbling into your space,” nerves shook my voice. I wanted to maintain my composure, and the alcohol was fighting against me to do so. It was making me want to embarrass the hell out of myself.

He smiled again, “if i’m going ot come out to a bar, I can’t expect to keep the whole place to myself, can I?”

I chuckled and shook my head, which proved to be a mistake. The world around me took the tiny motion and spun it like a hula hoop. I grasped at the railing again, and then felt Junmyeon’s hands land on my waist.

“Here. Sit down. I’ll go get you water.”

Before I could resond, he had me on one of the metal chairs and was gone.

I paced my breathing. I did not expect him to actually return. Why would he take care of a drunk girl at a bar? I was not his problem. I rested my elbows on my knees and my forehead on my palms. I stared at the concrete. Focusing on one spot helped the spinning to cease. I took deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth.

I was surprised to see a pair of sneakers invade my eyes’ anchor on the ground. I slowly raised my head, making sure not to move too quickly.

Junmyeon was standing in front of me with a plastic cup of water from the bar. He handed it to me before moving the nearest chair closer to me.

I blushed and thanked him. I took a long sip to help me regain my composure.

I was in awe. He was as kind as he had always presented himself. A look of genuine concern furrowed his brow. His hands were folded in his lap. I took the moment of silence to fully take him in. He was painfully handsome. The kind of handsome that you could stare at for hours and hope that he did not find it creepy. His hair was pushed back in my favorite way. It suited him well. He was in a simple outfit of jeans and a t-shirt with a flannel over it. His eyes were gentle as they scanned my features as well.

"Are you alright,“ he asked, cocking his head to one side.

“I really do feel a lot better,” I assured him, “I think that it all hit me at once. But I’m okay.” He seemed to accept that answer and leaned back in his chair, a bit more at ease.

"I’m so sorry, I’ve been rude. My name is (Y/N).“ I stuck my hand out and he shook it.

"And I’m Suho.“

It happened suddenly. The absolute fangirl in me slid past the dam, riding on a wave of liquor.

"I thought you preferred being called Junmyeon? Didn’t I read that once?” Immediately my hand covered my face. A confused look crossed his face.

"You know who I am?“ There was no point in hiding it anymore. My cover had been blown. I didn’t even bother with words, but just nodded my head. I anticipated that he would leave me be, at risk of me being some sort of sasaeng. Instead, he just let the corner of his mouth twitch up.

“I do prefer Junmyeon. Most people find it easier to just call me Suho."

"I want to call you what you want to be called.” That caught him off guard more than me recognizing him seemed to.

"Well, thank you.“ He leaned forward on his elbows and put his upper body closer to me. His body language was screaming at me, even if he was staying collected. My heart began to race.

"So, what has you sitting outside at a bar in San Diego?” I did not want the conversation to turn awkward. I did not want him to decide to leave suddenly.

"Some of the other guys wanted to go out,“ he pointed through the glass door, and I noticed Sehun and Chanyeol watching the band from the back of the room, "but, when you’re the leader, even outside of the stage or events, you get stuck being the responsible one. Especially when you really don’t drink all that much.

"I’m much more sober than they are. It’s a little bit frustrating."

I felt slightly disappointed in myself for being as drunk as I was.

"Well, I’m sorry you ended up taking care of a total stranger when you already had to take care of your friends…” but he cut me off.

"Believe me, I would much rather take care of you. You’re better to look at than they are.“ He winked at me, and my face flushed again.

"Your English is really good,” I quickly changed the subject. I was attempting to not slur my words or stutter.

"I love California. I wanted to learn it so I could stay out here more.“

"Well, color me impressed,” I grinned. I could feel myself sobering up a bit. The cool air and the water I was drinking provided for bit of a clear head. I did, however, still feel a bit daring from my drinks.

"Do you wanna do something a bit un-leader like?“ He squinted his eyes in a teasing, suspicious manner.

"Are you going to kidnap me,” he joked. I laughed out loud and responded, “maybe. Let’s go get breakfast. What do you say? We’ll text our friends that we are okay, but let’s escape for a bit."

"It’s 1:30 in the morning!” He seemed confused by my suggestion.

"You’ve never had pancakes in the middle of the night?! Surely that’s not just an American thing.“

He bit his lower lip nervously. I watched him grow cautious as he looked back inside at his friends. I caught glimpses of my friends as well. I knew that they would kill me for this, but I was not going to let this opportunity pass.

"Okay. Let’s go!” He suddenly jumped up and reached his hand out to me. I laughed as he took my hand and we bolted out of the gate that was on the patio. We ran a few blocks up and I requested an Uber. As we waited, we both took the time to Text our respective parties.

"Here. Because they’ll never believe me if I tell them who I’m with. I don’t want them sending a search party.“ I turned my phone and opened Snapchat on selfie mode. Junmyeon surprised me by pulling me close to him. His arm rested on my hips as he took the phone from me, his arms longer and able to get a better angle.

I was hyper aware of Junmyeons palm resting on the exposed skin where my shirt had slightly raised up. I felt his fingers tighten slightly on the top of my jeans as he turned me to rest against him.

We took several selfies, sending each one to my friends, repeating the action with his phone to Chanyeol and Sehun. My phone immediately started to explode with text messages and phone calls.

Junmyeon laughed as he showed me his screen. He translated it from the Korean it was in.

Receive Text Message: We can’t even be mad at you for bailing on us , Junmyeon hyung. She’s beautiful! We’ll see you back at the hotel.

Our uber arrived and we slid into the backseat. We made small talk with our diver as he escorted us to the nearest IHOP.

While our driver was elaborating on a story of his craziest pick up, I felt a graze across the top of my hand that was resting on the seat. I glanced down to see Junmyeon’s hand tracing shapes into mine. He was not looking at me, but almost doing it absentmindedly. He began telling our driver stories of Korea and other places that he has travelled. My heart was skipping beats erratically.

Finally, he glanced at me, as though to make sure that he had my approval. When I simply smiled back, he took the invitation and laced his fingers through mine. My mind was traveling in hundreds of different directions. I was not sure that this was my real life. Had I fallen asleep at the hotel? Was I going to wake up disappointed?

The pressure of Junmyeon squeezing my fingers with his brought me back to the reality of my situation. I was sitting in the back seat of a car with Kim Junmyeon. He was holding my hand. And he was smiling his stunning smile straight at me.

I made a mental note to be sure to thank the universe for aligning properly for this later.

We arrived at IHOP and thanked our driver. We went inside and had a fantastic time. We laughed and conversed as though we had known each other for years. I was comfortable with Junmyeon. It was a nice feeling.

When we caught another ride back to my rental car, we held hands again. You would have thought that we had been together for years.

My friends had gotten a ride back to the hotel, so I offered to drive Junmyeon back to his since I had sobered up substantially. He thanked me and opened my driver side door for me. The ride was fun. He asked who would pop up on my Spotify, making notes in his phone each time that he heard a particular artist or band that he liked.

We got to his hotel, and he asked me to park the car around the back instead of just dropping him off at the entrance. Word had gotten around that EXO were staying here, so he wanted to slide in through one of the back doors. There were groups of girls hovered around the front doors, and he wanted to avoid them if possible.

I parked near the back of the lot. I avoided any streetlights that illuminated certain spots. I took the key out of the ignition and allowed our vehicle to disappear into darkness.

It was nearing 4 am. I knew that he needed to sleep. I did not want to be the cause of Junmyeon being tired during his show the next day. However, I also did not want to miss any opportunity to spend another minute with him.

"Thanks for kidnapping me,” he said with a smirk. I chuckled and turned to him.

“Any time that you need kidnapping, you let me know. I’d be happy to hold you hostage for a while again.” There was a brief pause between us. Our eyes held onto each other. I held my breath, dreading the action of him reaching for the car door handle.

Instead, his hands flew forward and tangled into my hair. His lips aggressively slammed into mine. There was a hunger behind his kiss. A desire that I had never felt behind a kiss before. His tongue slid past my parted lips and we spent the next several minutes unwilling to break apart.

Finally, he pulled away. His thumb traced along my bottom lip. I wasn’t sure what took over me, but I was unable to resist lightly nibbling on it between my teeth. Junmyeon moaned slightly at this, and leaned forward to kiss me again.

"We all have our own rooms, you know,“ he whispered against my lips.

"Then why the fuck are we doing this in a rental car,” I quipped back.

This time, him reaching for the door was not a cause for concern, but a source of excitement. He circled around the hood of the car and opened my door for me. With a different sense of urgency than when he dragged me away from the bar, he guided me into the hotel.

We got to the elevator and, the second that the doors shut, I was slammed against the wall. He hiked my leg up around his waist, and I felt his cock growing hard against my clothed core. I groaned against his kiss, desire causing me to grow more wet each passing moment.

His lips traveled along my cheek and to my jawline. His teeth bit at my neck. I felt the skin underneath start to bruise as he sucked and nibbled to mark his territory. His hands slid underneath my shirt. He pawed at my breasts and his lips continued to travel across my throat.

"You’re so fucking sexy,“ he whispered, "I wanted to touch you the moment that my eyes landed on you at the bar.” A ding filled my ears as the elevator arrived on Junmyeon’s floor. Instead of letting me walk this time, Junmyeon lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he carried me down the hallway. Thankful that it was the middle of the night, I was able to feel no embarrassment at how much PDA we were showing.

Skillfully, he slid his room key out of his pocket and unlocked the door, all while holding me up as though I was a feather. He opened the door, and then used my back to shut it. I was leaned down, kissing him as though I was never going to be able to kiss another person again.

Holding me against the door, his hand slid up my shirt. He tugged at the top of my bra.

“I can’t wait to get you out of these clothes,” he whispered as he spun me around and laid me down on the bed. He undid my jeans and slid them off of my legs. I helped him out by removing my shirt as he undressed himself.

Junmyeon was an exquisite site. His body was still cut with stunning abs. His hair was disheveled, giving him a sexy aura. We sat, unmoving, for just a moment. We stared at each other.

I began to feel self conscious, and wrapped my hands around my body. Before I was unable to even fully cover myself, though, Junmyeon’s hands had mine pinned down to the bed.

"Don’t do it, baby girl. Don’t you dare take away the beautiful sight before me.”

His lips found my neck again. He began kissing down my figure. He pulled the straps down on my bra, and then the cups, exposing my breasts. A moan of satisfaction at the sight of them escaped his lips before he attached them to one. The other nipple being rolled through his thumb and forefinger.

“Oh, Junmyeon,” I seductively whispered, “that feels so good.”

His mouth popped off of my nipple and a devilish smile crossed his face.

“You said that you wanted to call me whatever I wanted to be called right?”

Before I could properly respond, he told me, “well, what if I want you to call me, ‘daddy?’”

“Like I said, I’ll call you whatever you want me to call you, Daddy.”

The words falling out of my mouth had an effect on both of us. I could tell it fueled him as much as it was feeding my desire as well.

A low growl left him as he traveled all of the way down my body. He slid my panties off; immediately attaching his mouth to my core. My back arched at his sudden assault. My body was shaking from the immense amount of pleasure coursing through it. I grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled him further onto me.

“Fuck, Junmyeon. That feels fucking incredible.” I was so lost in enjoying myself, that I had not noticed that I had failed to call him by his requested name.

As quickly as he started, he removed his mouth from me.

“What did you call me, princess?” A stern look furrowed his brow.

I immediately apologized, “I’m so sorry Daddy. Please keep making me feel good? Please!”

He smirked.

"I do like hearing you beg for me. But I’m going to have to spank you for not obeying my request.”

His words alone were enough to cause my wetness to increase. I licked my lips as he positioned himself on the edge of the bed. He curled a finger at me, and I whimpered slightly as I crawled over to him. I placed myself over his lap. His hand rubbed a spot on my ass before he slapped it, hard.

I bit my lip to resist the urge to moan out. Spanking was one of my favorite things. But I was being punished. I couldn’t let on that I was enjoying myself, or he may stop.

A few swats later, Junmyeon surprised me by sliding a finger inside of me instead of placing a slap on my bottom.

“You’re practically dripping for me. What a naughty girl you are, kitten. Who knew that you liked Daddy’s punishment so much?”

He grabbed me by the hair and adjusted me so my face was level with his.

“Hands and knees. Now.”

“Yes, Daddy.”

I bent over and rested on my elbows with my ass in the air. Junmyeon ran his hand down my arched back and back up to my butt.

“You are so damn sexy,” he told me before sliding into me. I cried out slightly and let myself adjust to his length fully.

“Oh my god. You feel so good inside of me, Daddy.” He took that as his cue to start thrusting into me. His finger tips dug into my hips as he fucked into me aggressively. There was no mercy or hesitation behind his motions. His thrusts were intense and I was coming undone quickly.

“Daddy… I’m not… I’m not going to…”

“Cum. Cum right now, baby girl.” His thrusts began to waver from their rhythm. I knew that he was going to release at the same time as me. Knowing that I made him feel that good sent me over the edge. I tightened around him and a heat knotted and immediately unraveled in my stomach. I came hard, screaming “Daddy” out over and over.

He pushed into me a few more times as we rode out our highs. I collapsed on the bed once he pulled out, exhausted. I saw the alarm clock that the hotel room provided and saw that it was almost five in the morning.

“What time do you have to be anywhere tomorrow?”

“Don’t worry about that, babe. I just want to hold you. I don’t get to do this. I want to just enjoy somebody’s company. Please?”

I snuggled into his chest, no longer concerned about anything but being there with Kim Junmyeon.

#kim Junmyeon #Junmyeon #EXO #exo fan fic #exo fan fiction #exo fanfics #exo fanfic #exo fanfiction #kpop #kpop fan fic #kpop fan fiction #kpop fanfiction #EXO smut #kpop smut

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nikkifilm · 5 years

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Batch '81 (1982) & Kakabakaba Ka Ba? (1980), dir. Mike de Leon

In just the first part of the film of Batch '81, it's no doubt that it is best categorized under the cheated expectation, but certainly not in a bad way. From the title itself, the scoring, down to its first sequence, it suggests to be more light and a bit dramatic, probably revolving around a story of a student who flunks in his class, thus being the black sheep, yet somehow makes a stand that school isn't about getting high grades in every class but learning outside the campus — that's how I thought it would go. Apparently, it turned out to be about joining a fraternity. Little did anyone, or at least I, know that the alternative title “AKO” didn't mean oneself, but rather an acronym for a fraternity called Alpha Kappa Omega. That's how all my expectations for this film drastically changed. Although the main character, Sid Lucero, had a very masculine build and a “bad boy” impression, it never occurred to me that he was going to join a fraternity. At first, I denied that it was going to be the main plot of the movie. I couldn't accept the fact that my expectations weren't met and that it was all heading towards a different direction, but as I kept watching, I forgot about everything I was trying to expect out of the plot and just continued watching. I happen to grow more genuinely hooked and intrigued of the movie by the conventions showed in it.

In Kakabakaba Ka Ba, it tackles more on the dark side of Japan (and China), how they use the Philippines to import and sell off drugs. It's something that is sensitive nowadays, but it discusses more of that in this film. The characters are normal people in the Philippines, typical of those group of friends that hang out and have fun in life, but little did they know, they got themselves involved into something big, which is about the cassette tape containing drugs. It's where the story pretty much start and begin to gradually unfold as they move.

In terms of technicality or the stylistic form of Batch '81, there's honestly not much to commend since cinema have improved and expanded now compared to the generation it's from, but objectively speaking, the way the entire film was shot and edited gives you that dark and hopeless feeling about it, especially since for the most part, especially during the initiation scenes, it really comes off as terrifying and at the same time, realistic. You'd feel as if you're part of the film, that you feel every situation the characters are in, and how the scenes that show violence really do seem realistic and somehow, you feel that too. Whenever a scene is painful, you have tendencies to flinch as well. That's how realistic it is. Narrative wise, Batch '81 definitely excels as the message behind the film really speaks to the people, and it sparks discussions about how other people interpret what the film wants to address. These small qualities and impact from the film says a lot about how it was narratively commendable.

As for Kakabakaba Ka Ba, it's more of a stylistic than narrative film as it had more effects and different color grading. Of all the classical films I have watched, this one is by far the most visually appealing film that is not only limited to editing, but also with their settings and props. It was such a creative and genuinely beautiful masterpiece and you've got to love the film for it. I really love the editing as well, especially on the part where they portrayed them being high on drugs. It was really surreal and dream-like, and I was pretty impressed by that and actually got me wondering how they were able to achieve that. The musical scenes are what gets me, it's my first time to be able to watch a musical-comedy, not to mention a local one, and I've got to admit that I had low expectations from it but this one really exceeded that much more. I was shocked but at the same time impressed and fascinated that they were able to achieve such a great performance. It was full-on, from the scoring, props, performance, and transitions. Everything was great and all so entertaining to watch. I genuinely liked it and would really watch it again. Narratively, it's great but more on cliche as it revolved around a chase type of story and it all clashes down in the end. It's quite common, which is why I find it a bit dull, but the thrill is still there and makes you root for what will happen next.

Considering the conventions showed in Batch '81, it really does make you feel something. There's that roller coaster ride of emotions that fluctuates throughout the entirety of the film which what at least I commend as yet another great film. It's hard to make people laugh when you're doing a comedy film, like how hard it is making people cry when doing a drama. But this film doesn't merely sticks to its genre or lets it determine how it should make you feel. It does not only achieve its goal by trying to evoke the wanted emotion from its audience but also exceeds it by making you feel all sorts of emotions — from horrified, disgusted, and angry, it just hits you a wave of sadness, despair, and even playful to some extent. Although these aren't as drastically changing emotions as they are mostly similar, they are different from each other that it varies from scene to scene. Usually, films that have students as main characters would focus more on the traditional way of showing a typical college student's life and all that. However, this film took a different turn by focusing on fraternities within universities. Although it does also tell that fraternities may have been popular during the 80's, it's still non-conventional in a way that they showed the reality behind the initiations held between fraternities. This came off as a message to the viewers, than just portraying what the general audience think of when we talk about fraternities. It makes you really feel for the characters in the film regardless if the viewer had actually experienced being initiated or part of a fraternity or if they just had a similar experience with abuse and humiliation. It gives the viewers a fresher perspective than what is always conceived traditionally. Typically, anyone who weren't able to relate to the characters or the film in general wouldn't spend time or even bother watching the whole film, but this was an exception to that barrier. It speaks to the audience, as humans, that it does affect us emotionally and mentally in a way that makes you think: it's possible that this might have or will have happened in real life. Which what always triggers that fear, intrigue, and contemplating among viewers.

For Kakabakaba Ka Ba, I didn't know what to expect as it seemed odd to me. How it's a comedy-musical film that has that title but having drugs as the main context of the film. It all doesn't add up to me at first that's why I didn't know what to expect. I was weirded out at first, but as I kept watching, it gradually faded away and became more hooked and pretty much had a good laugh and enjoyed the entire movie.

In the Auteur theory context, we see how both films had a certain impact to the viewers that would make us both feel for it in its respective genres. Like with Batch '81, you know how it's a violent and drama film, and yes it did feel that way. The violence seemed real and is affecting the viewers, same goes with the drama. When you see a person being hurt or tortured, you somewhat sympathize for that person and also feel for them. Same could be said of the other Mike de Leon film, Kakabakaba Ka Ba. You can see how it applies the same thing, how you are able to empathize with the characters and how it's as if you are part of the movie too. When the part where they're trying to hide from the Japanese and Chinese dealers makes you all thrilled and it's as if you're in it too. That's one common ground that both films have, and it goes to show how Mike de Leon wants to make his audience feel when they watch his films. It evokes the emotional aspect within people through his films to be able to spark that connection. I'd say it's pretty efficient as it does make you hooked and want to keep watching because you kind of root what happens next to the characters. For Batch '81, you root for their progress in the initiation like what will they do next, who gets eliminated, and what turn of events will happen in the end — if the main character get what he wants or if he had a change of heart. For Kakabakaba Ka Ba however, it makes you root for what mystery lies beneath this certain Japanese group of drug dealers and what's inside the cassette tape that they put in Johnny's coat that caused all that chaos. It's actually pretty comical if you come to think of it. It's something that you'd see in most animations too. It's a good way to have a story run along, it's pretty fun to watch, especially if you like watching for the purpose of having fun or just a good time. Perhaps that's what makes it a Mike de Leon film. It makes you think that maybe that is his goal, to make the audience not only watch a film, but also to be able to feel which is good. Because a good film not only relies on its technical or narrative surface, but also how emotionally attaching it is to the people and how it is relatable and understands. Some would probably say that it's shallow and doesn't really have a deeper meaning to it, but that's another thing that makes it a Mike de Leon film. You'd think that it has nothing to do with reality or anything that is happening in real life, but it does. It's not directly put, but it's there. It speaks about the recent social issues the country is facing that time, and what has been prominent back then in the early 80's was the Martial Law and Marcos. There are a few scenes that had portrayed it, how people were killed when they try to speak about Martial Law, and how people are put to jail without even further reasoning or explanation. It's all but subtle, but when you know it, it really makes you think and then it dwells on you. It's there until you finish the film. That's what makes yet another reason as to why it's a Mike de Leon film. It makes you feel and at the same time, think.

Two particular and prominent social issues that can be seen in Batch '81 is the violence and abuse surrounding fraternities and the concept of toxic masculinity. It's a norm within universities in this certain period of time to have fraternities. What made it become a social issue is the violence that's supposed to make you disciplined that turn into abuse and questioning of morality. Another is that the concept of joining one means to get social gain and "protection" yet didn't turn out to be exactly like it. To me, it seemed obscure and pretty much shallow, but I suppose it does speak about how it used to be back then. Today, fraternities have become something that is not morally accepted and the society have prioritized the well-being and rights of a human being which contradicts what is being shown on the film. Although despite the differences in morals from said generations, the portrayal of this social issue is relevant, especially on the part where one of the members die during a conflict within the different fraternity. It's something that speaks even to up to this current generation. With regards to the concept of toxic masculinity, it is seen through the character of Sid Lucero, who wants to be tough and all to join a fraternity. He wants this social gain, because it's how men are supposed to be. The way they also have to endure everything they go through during the initiation rights is also what builds that toxicity, because it's implied that when you can't take it, you're not brave enough to be part of the fraternity. The concept of this brotherhood is what in general makes it toxic. For Kakabakaba Ka Ba, it's more of the drugs and how our country had become the market of drugs especially from other countries like Japan and China. There's nothing much deeper to tell about this than that. It all pretty much revolved on that which alone is alarming.

What I like about Batch '81 is how the characters care for each other genuinely, but except for Sid. How they step forward whenever someone is getting hurt overboard or when they are being too abused. They still have that sense of humanity and genuine care for the fellow members. For some reason it just speaks to me personally, maybe because it's something that I was rooting for with all the violence and verbal abuse that have been happening within the film. It gives off that sense of comfort that makes you think that human nature is still seen in that context. It gave a different perspective of how the fraternity works, and you'd see here how even though it is merely an initiation and you'd expect them to be selfish or mind their own goals so long as they get through what is required, you still see that side of them, that they still care for each other even if it means being against their masters. What I didn't like is how the main character didn't have a character development. What he is in the beginning is just the same him in the end. The only difference is that yes, he got what he wanted and he eventually became a master. Which is fulfilling because that is what he wanted after all, but I didn't see any changes within his character as compared to the supporting characters in the film. If I'm being honest, I liked the other characters more than the main because they had much more development in them than the main character did. All in all, there's really not much to point out anymore, but that's only a few of what I have noticed or spoke to me in this film.

On the other hand, Kakabakaba Ka Ba was a great film, considering it being a comedy-musical that tackles about a serious issue. I loved the film in general, and there wasn't much as to what I disliked about it. Besides the comedy factor in this film which I also genuinely love, II especially liked the musical part of the film. It was nothing but an excellent performance and a masterpiece if I may say. I never thought I'd like it based on my initial expectations before, but it all jot down to me liking it and there's certainly no regret on that. I wish to be able to have more productions like this in the Philippine cinema.

There aren't much to me that I wished the director did, I understand how the films are dated around years ago and there have been changes that happened in the society since then. Especially since these films are a product of the repression back then, particularly about martial law. I just wished, however, that they had given a more solid or deeper plot for both films. For Batch '81, although it is more serious and sensitive as compared to Kakabakaba Ka Ba, it lacked the bigger picture. Comedies and musicals like Kakabakaba Ka Ba however, obviously have little to none storyline but I do see how it had a progress in contrast with Batch '81. Besides the plots, I wished the characters, particular the main characters have more development within them or actually have a significance throughout the film. Nothing really against the director, but most of the time, the only memorable characters in the films are mostly the ones who aren't the main character. You'd only recognize them from their faces or physical attributes, but nothing much about their character or personality. I hope that it would've had more of that, because it kind of puts the film off.

For Batch '81, I'd have to say that I was satisfied with the ending, although I wasn't really surprised. I hoped there have been more to it, because I knew there's really something more that can be put. It did have a great closure, yes. But it really felt lacking. Maybe because it was way too direct and way much more of a gratified ending, since Sid was able to be finally a member and eventually a master. Like I said, it didn't really have much of a solid plot to it. Despite the parts where it had made me feel terrified and disturbed, it subsided with the fulfilling ending which balances it and what makes me find it somewhat enjoyable to some extent. As for Kakabakaba Ka Ba, the ending was just as enjoyable as the first few scenes, and it's also quite fascinating how they broke the fourth wall. It's as if they really just want to have fun and it's effective. You wouldn't even feel like you're watching because you're just having fun. It's more on you're there with them than just watching them.

Overall, I'd say both Mike de Leon films have won the hearts of the viewers, particularly the Filipino. It's really commendable in a way that not only will you find yourself empathizing with the characters and be able to feel as if you're part of the film, you really genuinely enjoy it because you relate to it and understand it no matter what. You don't just relate to them literally, but more of you are able to see yourself or at least one particular moment of your life that had a similarity to what is shown in the film. You both get to enjoy and feel for it, and most importantly, it leaves you a food for thought that would make you realize things too.

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victorxibarra · 5 years

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My Thoughts:

Sometimes we don’t realize how toxic relationships can be. Whether the abuse comes from our family, friends, or even love interests. No one should be able to emotionally, physically or mentally manipulate or hurt you. I’m a survivor of domestic abuse. My mother is a survivor as well. One thing that’s different between our situations were the fact I have no children and she did. When my mom was being abused by our father, she would do her best to protect her children over herself all the while dad was going out and drinking. Even my mom’s ‘friends’ were too afraid to intervene when situations became difficult and all she wanted, nay, she practically begged through body language, was to leave my father and move on to a better life with her children. She migrated to the united states a year before the abuse, she didn’t know the language, nor did she know any of the policies. It took a year or two before an opportunity came and she took the chance, she had enough and hasn’t regretted that choice since. My father did eventually change his life and was able to be apart of ours for a good 23 years before his passing. It’s been 5 years since his death, but my mom is doing better. The reason I bring my mom’s story into this journal entry is because this song is a clear example of how we [sometimes] allow ourselves to be victims due to circumstance, love or fear. The idea that we will never make it alone and that being with the abuser seems like the better choice (at the time) until someone hands you a rope and you take that opportunity. Then, there’s other times where... at least in my case, the abuse was mainly received through manipulation. The person I was with knew that I am a kind-hearted person raised in a household that had never done drugs, smoked or gotten trouble with the law. The story changed briefly thereafter when we began living together, things would be hectic. We would argue and fight like cats and dogs, I would work practically every day just to get an escape. Things were lovely in the start. We did a lot of volunteering, we went to church and even spent time with family. But things changed drastically when I chose to leave my own family behind and move to another state believing that we would have a wonderful life. I ignored the red flags and even the subtle comments my partner would make that indicated their true intentions. Fast forward a couple months after moving to this new place and my partner didn’t want to work [or rather, couldn’t work due to his legal problems] and I became responsible for the providing to our financial needs (clothes, food, road trips, utilities and expenses) all while living with my partner’s brother’s home and his wife’s home. Some days were better than others, we had a nice. We would go to church and even volunteer. He would drive me to and from work and we’d hangout during lunch while he stayed at home watching television due to his limited employment opportunities. I didn’t mind it. Other times, the circumstances were different, and it would lead to arguments and misunderstandings. Working for home depot was one of the best jobs I had, no one bothered me, and I didn’t need to interact with clients. Avoiding any possible misunderstandings became my mantra because home life would be happier if I did everything possible to avoid an argument and simply cuddle with him. But that wasn’t always the case, in fact, it led to more questions and insecurities from him. Rather than comprehend that not every relationship is the same, rather than focusing on what he can do to change himself and stop blaming me for my faults, rather than just being thankful for any given opportunity and thankfulness he found someone who respected him and made sure he was always treated the best as possible. It seemed like it wasn’t enough, especially during the times where I would need to be at work a lot earlier because book keeping required that all book-keepers closed their end of business day transactions the next morning and the tills were ready for the cash registers, cash deposits were sent to the bank and any additional requests required to do my job. During those times, that’s when he would become abusive and say that I cheated and that I didn’t care about my relationship. That I never loved him, and he would put his fingers around my throat. Whenever family gatherings occurred, I would always appear to be the disrespectful brat who would rather be cheating and whoring around than to be with him and playing board games while they drank and smoked marijuana.

There eventually came a day where I picked up a second job at a local call center because I didn’t want to be around him, the abuse became more and more frequent to a point where I wanted to cut myself almost daily because I had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and felt such emptiness inside. I missed my family, I missed my friends and most importantly I hated myself for allowing such abuse to occur. I never wanted it. One day I had enough, I left and promised myself I wouldn’t return. Boy, that became my biggest regret. Things would have been a lot better had I not given him a second chance. But, that’s how abuse works, right? We come to believe we’re wiser than who we once were and that person shows you a little more change than you have seen from them in years only to find out that their [red flag] real intention for wanting us back is because we allowed ourselves to be pushed around and had a lot to offer with little to no talk-back. We eventually owned property together, we got engaged and even became married and things seemed a lot more like a happy fairy-tale than a living nightmare. I was able to see my family once a year, I was able to drive myself to and from work and even owned a dog together. We had a place to call home and I strongly convinced myself that, if I continue to behave in the most respectful matter and be the best husband possible, that the abuse wouldn’t happen. That this “fairy-tale” could be our reality for years to come. Like clockwork, the abuse began once again. This time with an added bonus, this person was now diagnosed schizophrenic which led to endless sleepless nights, being financially responsible for both our futures [including appointments] and stressing out when things became unclear of whether or not we would be able to survive financially all-the-while this person was at home spying on me [finding whatever evidence they could to throw at my face], invite strangers from casinos and the streets into our home only to keep that person ‘company’ and also drinking and drugs. The moral of why I am sharing this story is because I want to make it clear that abuse comes in many forms, subtle and sometimes in obvious forms. I allowed myself to believe that we would be perfect together and dreamed about having a family and living in a happy little home. Raising my son Christian and calling Daniel and little chewy having a girlfriend. But things aren’t always how they appear. The day, when I finally had enough, occurred a little over a month ago. Given all the problems that occurred between us, we began to use meth almost regularly to cope with each other. Something that I really hated more than circumstances. I never wanted it. While on the drug, we chatted about our future and it seemed peaceful at first. The problems seemed to have subsided and he seemed a lot happier. He wasn’t taking his anti-psychotics medication because it seemed the meth was more effective and my performance at work seemed to have improved as well. I didn’t mind the sleepless nights anymore, nor the road trips we would occasionally take just to get away from the city for a day or two. We seemed happier. Three weeks or four later, I began to feel insecure about myself. I knew there was a change in the air once again, felt something was bothering him but he wouldn’t open to me. It led to my usual behavior of trying to find someone to talk to [anyone] and I would hop on Grindr and chat with random strangers hoping that one of them would let me vent. I wasn’t seeing a shrink, nor did I feel I had the time for it. What led to me leaving resulted in a scar I now have on my face, a gentle reminder that I need to love myself and respect myself before I would consider another person in my life. To accept that things from that relationship would have never changed and now as we are facing a divorce together, I’m no longer the same person I was once. If becoming a little more confident and [to some extent] cold around that person as we come to decide what assets to split and who keeps what. Then I’d say, I’m pretty content with the current results. I feel happier, healthier and thankful that God has never abandoned me. To anyone who reads this, thank you for taking the time to read this long [story] of mine. I really recommend seeking help to overcome your trauma and most importantly to respect yourself. No one in this world is worth the abuse, it’s easier said than done but some day you will have enough, and my hope is that when you do. You be sure to message me and we can talk about this together, I don’t want you to be alone. - Victor

Lyrics:

Do you feel like a man? When you push her around? Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's got to end As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found. ... Face down in the dirt She said "This doesn't hurt!" She said "I finally had enough!"

#index #domestic abuse #you are not alone #survivor #christian #journal #my blog #spotify #learn #music

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paleorecipecookbook · 7 years

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How Cold Showers Might Boost Your Health

Sometimes a slight change in our lives can have huge impacts in our health and fitness. For many of these changes, initially, we may perceive a bit of discomfort in our lives.

We can all agree that while it’s probably more convenient to stop off at McDonald’s on the way home from work, that convenience comes at a price. In this case, a price to our health. There are even times where actively choosing a bit of discomfort can have beneficial effects to our health in the short and longer term.

Comfort Isn’t Actually That Healthy

Surprisingly enough, only a certain amount of “comfort” and “recovery” is actually good for us. We’re made to grow by having stressors in our lives. While it’s true that many of the chronic stressors that we experience, like chronic lack of sleep, have a negative effect on our lives, other short terms stressors, like breaking down muscle from working out, actually give our bodies cues to become stronger and more resilient.

What if I told you there was a way to naturally fight inflammation and release hormones that help to improve focus and mood? What if I told you that this same method could increase fat burning potential and aid in recovery from workouts? It would seem magical, right? Too good to be true? When if I told you that it could even be free?

This amazing therapeutic behavior is so simple it’s going to blow your mind. You can even start today.

So what is this amazing trick that sounds too amazing to be real?

Here’s the deal: the next time you turn on your shower, leave the hot off. Yeah, that’s right—take a cold shower on purpose.

The Benefits of Cold Showers

I know you’re probably thinking, “That’s it?”

This is one of the oldest Paleo paths to health, and you literally need nothing but the stuff that comes out of your faucet. Peoples ranging from our own Native American tribes, to the Nordic ice plunges, even to the royal family in Great Britain have made use of the health benefits of cold water. (1)

Before you click off the page, take a deep breath and read on to see why something as simple as a cold plunge can have wonderfully positive effects on your day and your health.

Hot Water is a New Thing

In our Paleo history, even living in the most gentle of climates would have exposed us to regular differences in temperature. Our lives today are, for the most part, bereft of any major environmental stressors. A quick flick of the thermostat keeps us comfortable in most places on the planet. To get us back to our more drastic roots, having a cold shower a few times a week, or even daily, can allow us to hack our bodies into a whole new level of health.

I’m going to take a second and acknowledge that initially, this can be an uncomfortable undertaking, but I have personally found that the rewards far outweigh a few minutes of discomfort, and I’ve even found that there’s a victory in getting “tough.”

Cold Water, or Cold Air?

While we’ll focus on the easily accessible cold shower as a means to controlled cold exposure, there are cold exposure chambers, called cryo-chambers, that are popular with athletes and others in the world of cold exposure.

Cryo-chambers utilize super cold gases like liquid nitrogen to cool the air immediately around the body down to as low as -280 degrees Fahrenheit. If you are fortunate to have one of these chambers locally, it is a fun modality to try. While I personally have tried it a few times, I don’t seem to notice a huge difference between cryo and cold water immersion/cold showers. Cryo does have a small risk of frostbite. Some people swear by cryotherapy, saying they can really notice a difference when using it. Your own experience may vary.

Norepinephrine

One of the largest reasons for considering cold exposure is norepinephrine. Norepinephrine is interesting as it serves as both a neurotransmitter and a stress hormone and is released in the body to help it handle periods of stress. (2)

Studies have shown that even short bouts of exposure to cold can double or triple norepinephrine levels. (3) Though yet to be studied directly, cold exposure could be a tool in the treatment of depression, due to this effect. Pharmaceuticals that deplete norepinephrine often list depression as a side effect, which could potentially suggest that boosting norepinephrine through cold exposure or otherwise could be a viable treatment option. (4) Of course, more research is needed.

In addition to its effects on the brain and nervous system, norepinephrine is also a potent anti-inflammatory substance in the body, inhibiting select inflammatory pathways, specifically tumor necrosis factor alpha (TNF-alpha). (5) While TNF-alpha has utility in the body, excess TNF-alpha has been implicated in numerous diseases ranging from arthritis to asthma. (6,7) While treating these conditions with a pharmaceutical TNF-inhibitor may be effective, what if we could get the same result by giving our hot water heater a break?

Cold exposure can also lead to the constriction of blood vessels, which is another way that it can be beneficial for reducing inflammatory responses. (8) The reduced blood flow is what can lead skin to look more pale during exposure to cold. Athletes often turn to ice baths and other cold therapy to reduce inflammation following injury as well as delaying and reducing overall muscle soreness, but this practice can extend well beyond sports medicine.

Depending on your health goals, the timing of your cold therapy is important. If you’re trying to increase muscle, for example, you’ll want to wait awhile after exercise to expose your muscles to cold, since exposure directly after exercise can actually prevent your muscles from increasing in strength. (9) There is a time and a place for inflammation, and sometimes, it’s a good thing in the short-term.

Brown Fat

Did you know that you have two kinds of fat in your body? One type is generally used as a long term calorie storage medium, while the other is much more active on a day to day level. This active fat is referred to as brown fat because it has enough of an increase of mitochondrial activity to make the tissue look darker under a microscope. (10) Mitochondria are the energy-producing powerhouses of the cells, so this brown fat has an increased capability for energy metabolism.

Since this brown fat is more metabolically active than its white fat counterpart, it works in our favor to be able to rev up brown fat metabolism. Exposure to cold can allow us to both produce more brown fat, as well as keep it metabolically active. (11) Burning this brown fat uses a good amount of fatty acids for energy and, by extension, lowers plasma triglyceride levels and helps to reduce obesity in general. (12) Both exposure to cold water and cold air in general will work for this purpose.

The more brown fat a person has, the more efficient that person will be at burning fat, as well as having less body fat in general. (13) Brown fat is fascinating in that its activation into the metabolic framework causes a cascade of wonderful biochemistry, including reducing plasma triglyceride and cholesterol levels as well as diminishing diet-induced atherosclerosis development and potentially protecting against developing thickened arteries. (14,15) One of the most amazing things about your body is that it can actually convert white fat to brown fat, setting itself up for a healthier, more efficient fat burning machine. (16)

Activating brown fat also has been shown to improve both glucose homeostasis, as well as insulin sensitivity, meaning that it points us in the opposite direction of diabetes. (17)

The bottom line is that by increasing your exposure to cold, you can increase the amount of brown fat in your body. Brown fat can, by its presence, activate not only positive effects for the calorie-burning aspects of metabolism, but also for a host of other biomarkers that have a profound impact on total body wellness.

Cold Exposure Can Give You a Mental Edge

Speaking from experience, I can tell you that nothing gets the sleepy fog out of your brain and gets you mentally on track more than a two minute cold shower first thing in the morning.

Every morning, right after I wake up, I turn on the cold water and step in. Most mornings there’s a fun little inner voice conversation that goes something like this:

“Oh man, really?”

“C’mon, GET IN!”

“But I was so warm a minute ago in the bed…”

“That’s nice, let’s do this!”

It’s honestly fun to witness my brain go complete monkey mode. Being able to push myself to step into that shower gives me an immediate win for the day, and sets me up mentally to be happier, more focused, and more productive.

When you know that you can do hard things and conquer the overwhelming desire to remain comfortable, you open yourself up for endless victories in your life, both big and small.

My suggestion? Give the cold shower a shot after your next workout. You’ll find it a wonderful way to cool off and feel invigorated.

A Word of Caution About Cold Exposure

Should everyone do the cold shower or cryotherapy thing? Not necessarily.

The changes that occur in our bodies during exposure to cold, and heat for that matter, can be quite taxing. You should always consult your doctor or practitioner before engaging in any form of therapy, especially if you have existing health conditions, have coronary conditions or are high risk for heart attack, or are pregnant.

Be especially cautious when it comes to immediate hot to cold exposure, such as sauna to ice bath, as this can have serious health consequences in at-risk individuals. (18)

Bottom Line

Something as simple as changing up your morning shower routine could have dramatic impacts on your body composition, your inflammation levels, your glucose and insulin health, and more. Simple changes that introduce a little discomfort can have far-reaching effects, and may help you take your health journey to the next level.

P.S. If you’d like to introduce a simple but effective fitness plan, give PaleoFit a try, free for 14 days!

The post How Cold Showers Might Boost Your Health appeared first on Paleo Plan.

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fitpaprika-blog · 7 years

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Trying: Part 2

Alright, y’all. I’m over it.

Well, okay, not really. I mean that was a heavy post on Thursday, so 48 hours later, all of those feelings certainly aren’t gone. But the thing about writing for me is that it is therapeutic. Just getting those feelings out of my mind and body and out into the world helps me to process them and reflect on them in ways I can’t do through thinking or even talking.

One thing I want to say right off is that I weighed myself again on Friday because I wanted to see if that number was real or not. It wasn’t. I was down 3lbs on Friday, and I promise that I did not do anything drastic on Thursday. I ate the same types and amounts of food I usually do (though I didn’t have any “outside” food, meaning I didn’t eat food that I hadn’t bought at the grocery store and made myself). And I went to MADD-X, which I always do on Thursdays. It wasn’t even a good MADD-X for me - I struggled through it more than I had the previous Monday. So there’s no way that I actually lost 3lbs in 24 hours, which just tells me that those 7lbs weren’t real to begin with - I was bloated or something. I mean, 3lbs down still means a 4lb gain in May, if that’s even real, but this is why we can’t measure success by the scale, y’all. It fools you. Any number of things can affect that number that has nothing to do with the value that we place on that number and what we think that it means.

But I am tired of not losing any weight, I have to say. I have some thoughts and plans for this coming month.

When I did Whole30, I was really amazed at how much eliminating grains helped me not only lose weight but feel less bloated and heavy. Since doing Whole30 nearly a year ago, I have severely limited my carbs from grains and my carb intake in general because I had learned that doing so makes me feel better. So this month, I’m going to focus on that for sure. This week, actually, we’re not planning to have any carbs from grains other than I still have oats about 2-3 times per week for breakfast. I don’t know if I can go full acai bowl every single day of my life!

I also have been a little bit more lax on added sweeteners than I usually am. I still bought a Halo Top this week, partially because I had a coupon and partially because I don’t trust myself to go cold turkey on dessert, so I’d rather have a low-cal alternative to making a mug cake or whatever. I’m hoping next week to eliminate dessert entirely, and double check everything I’m purchasing for added sweeteners. I really pride myself on not putting sugar or artificial sweeteners in my body, so I really need to get back to a certain level of strictness on that. I find it unrealistic to 100% eliminate them 100% of the time, but I try to 98% eliminate them 98% of the time, and right now I’m probably at like 80%.

And then I’m going to count calories, y’all. I know. It’s not fun. It’s not sustainable long-term. But I need to know. Like am I really going overboard? The other thing about counting calories is that it holds me accountable - no mindless snacking or eating because then I think about logging it. Either (1) thinking about logging it makes me rethink the choice of even eating it or (2) thinking about logging it makes me think about logging it - like how am I measuring this? How am I searching for this in the database? How will this fit in with my overall totals? I really don’t think I’m going overboard on my calorie intake BUT counting them will keep me accountable to the choices I’m making. And I’m not saying that I’m not going to have a cookie because that would just be a blatant lie to you all. But I’d rather be sure I am consciously thinking about that decision to have a cookie and accounting for it in my calorie count when I think about that Halo Top later that night - ya know? I wish I could say that in the six years since I started this, I no longer have to rely on counting calories to be sure I’m not going overboard and to keep myself in check - I really wish I could say that to y’all. I want to have grown enough as a person to make good decisions about food without counting it. But I’m not quite there yet. I’m almost there. I feel like I can make those decisions most of the time, especially when I’m at the grocery store or when I’m making decisions about food at home. But I am still struggling when I am out in the world, when free food just shows up at work, for example. And those are the calories I want to think about this month and count and see how they are affecting me and my body.

Finally, I am investigating therapists that focus specifically on food. I went to therapy for about a year, and I really did not feel like I got much out of it. I think it was partially due to the fact that I started going right when my life took a turning point for the better (changing jobs, getting married, etc.) and partially due to it just not being a good match between my therapist and I. She didn’t challenge me or press me on issues that she probably should have, and, if you can believe it, food almost never came up. I mean, I didn’t go to her specifically for food issues but, still, you would think that after a year, we would have talked about it a lot more than we did, those issues and also body image issues. Now that my career is sorted out, I’ve been in a secure relationship for over four years now, I love my apartment, etc. - now that everything is more or less good, I feel like food is the one area of my life where I’m still struggling. I wrote that post on Thursday, and I was so down all day about that number on the scale, which is a problem in and of itself, but then all I wanted to do in response to that number was eat, which is totally counterintuitive. I didn’t emotionally eat in response to that, but I wanted to, and that’s not an appropriate response. So I’m investigating therapists who focus specifically on these issues, and I’m going to try it out. I want to be clear that I do not think this is like the magical solution to my problems with food, and I’m very skeptical that it will help at all. I also have some concern about finding someone who will accept my insurance and also be able to meet when I can meet - that was a major struggle the first time I sought out therapy. I’ve contacted two people so far, and already one person doesn’t work with insurance companies at all, so I imagine that it will still be some time before I am able to even try this out.

Notice in that paragraph that I also mentioned body image issues. I think that’s actually where I am struggling the most at the moment. I don’t think I actually care that much about the number “240” - I mean, I do, but if the scale said 240, and I felt good about my body, I wouldn’t care nearly as much, you know? When the scale said 190 - well, that’s still a good 40-50lbs overweight, but damn, y’all, I was looking fine, and I felt good about how I looked, how clothes fit on my body, etc. The pictures from that time in my life are some of my favorites of myself. My concern is that I won’t be able to feel that way if I stay in the 230s, which, I don’t think has to be true. I think every person is capable of loving their body, regardless of what the number is, if they feel healthy and comfortable with how they are living their life. I do believe that that is possible. But I don’t really see how it is possible for me, personally. It’s not that like I hit 190 and I thought, “Ah, yes, now I am comfortable in my skin.” Ha! Not at all! No number can magically make you feel that way. It was really like how clothes fit and hung on me when I tried them on or put outfits together and it was - majorly - how I looked in pictures. Those were the indicators to me. When I stood naked in the mirror - I still wasn’t all that happy with what I saw. When I did look hot in an outfit, and people commented on it, I remember thinking, “Well, if they saw me naked, they might change their tune.” And no way would I have worn something showing a lot of skin, or, like, a bikini. Actually the first time I have worn any kind of bikini in my adult life, I weighed more than that - 225lbs or so, and I was in a high-waisted bikini. I think about that line in American Beauty when Kevin Spacey tells his neighbors that he wants to look good naked. I don’t necessarily think I have to “look good naked” in the sense that, like, Playboy would want me to pose for them. But I would like to feel good naked and think that I look good naked when I look in a mirror. I want to be able to look at my body, with all of its flaws, at any weight, and be like, “Hey, girl.” That’s my goal for my own self-esteem and body image, and that’s a major thing I want to work on in therapy. I feel like, if I can feel good in my own skin again, that would actually help with weight loss because I wouldn’t feel so focused on the outside. I wouldn’t be thinking about others’ perceptions of me as much because I would feel secure about myself.

I hope that all made sense - it’s reading a little rambling to me, but the long and short of it is that, more than I want to lose weight or work on my food issues, I want to improve my mental picture of myself. And I think improving that mental picture will only help the physical, outward appearance improve, as well.

One thing I did not mention in Thursday’s blog post and also haven’t really been instagramming is that I have started to add steps to achieve my New Year’s resolutions goals to my daily routine. My goals included writing more, learning to meditate, improving my sleeping, and reading more.

I downloaded a meditation app, and have tried to commit myself to meditating for five minutes every morning, working up to ten minutes. So far, it has not really been going well, and I knew it would be challenging! I am super bad at doing nothing. But meditation is supposed to help with sleep, anxiety, depression, etc. so I am going to continue to try to do it.

To write more, I’ve been getting up at 5:00am on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is the same time I get up on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays to go to the gym. I think from my blog post, it is pretty obvious that that is going well - that is how I was able to post to my blog on Thursday when I had not in so long. On Tuesday I wrote in my journal. I’m enjoying having this early morning time when no one else is awake, even my dog is sleeping, to devote an hour to writing. I usually can also count on that on the weekends, so it’s really just MWF that I haven’t been able to fit it in yet, and I’m going to work my way toward writing for an hour everyday. But, still, an hour four days per week is still better than the nothing that I was doing before.

For reading, I’m trying to start reading at work for a little bit each day, either before I get going in the morning or during lunch, depending on the day. Even though I started adding all of these elements to my routine this past week, I haven’t quite got the reading at work thing fit into it just yet. One way I have increased my reading is that I’ve been reading a couple of chapters of a book before bedtime - which leads me to improving my sleep.

I read a few articles about this, and there are a couple of things I am implementing. One is the meditation. But another thing, which is probably the most crucial, is reducing my screen time at least 30 minutes and up to an hour before bed. My natural routine has been to lay in bed staring at my phone for that amount of time until my husband came in and reminded me to put it away and go to sleep - I know, very juvenile. I get drawn into that thing, looking at instagram, tumblr, and Facebook! So I’ve started trying to set it aside at least 30 minutes before bed, and my Fitbit said that the amount of time I slept increased by ten minutes each night until I was meeting my goal of 7.5 hours of sleep and reducing my minutes awake in the middle of the night! I’m pretty proud of myself for that. In place of the phone has been reading, which is great since it is also helping me achieve that goal. Other habits that can help improve sleep include not exercising or eating too close to bedtime and not drinking caffeine too close to bedtime. I only drink caffeine first thing in the morning, so I’ve got that down, but it isn’t always possible for me to stop exercising or eating 2-3 hours prior to bedtime. I usually finish dinner by 7:00pm, which is two hours prior to bedtime, but my dance classes are anywhere from 7pm to 9pm, so it is just never going to happen with exercise. I’ve got to work on all of these other sleep things and hope they help enough to cancel out that evening exercise!

You can see that all of these other goals I’ve started working on are also related to my health in some way, even though they are not based in nutrition or fitness. But my husband recently read an article that stated that sleep is a huge aid in weight loss, for example, so definitely it can only help with my other goals, not to mention my mental health. No matter how I am feeling or what the scale says, I can confidently say that each day I am taking steps to improve my overall health and wellness. I don’t think anyone can ask much more of me than that, and I certainly should not be asking myself for more than that.

Am I trying hard enough?

I want to come back to this question to conclude. On the one hand, I do not want to be too hard on myself. I only have this one life, this one body, and I need to treat both of those with respect. On the other hand, I do want to be sure that I am putting in effort to improve both my life and my body and not taking anything for granted. So the question is how do I define “enough” and to which time period am I referring? Really, I think I need to think about this question each day. On Thursday, I can tell y’all - I tried hard enough. After stepping on that scale and then publishing that emotional blog post, I committed myself to that day. When I was in the break room, there were crackers leftover from an event, and a foodie coworker said how good they were, but I resisted. I was very tired after work and still feeling down from the morning, but I went to MADD-X and did the best I could. I tried hard enough on Thursday. On Friday? Maybe I did not give it my all. I went to the gym, but my mind wasn’t in a good spot during work. I did research therapists and emailed two of them, but I also goofed off a lot when I should have been working on a project. I made a grocery list and stuck to it, but I wasn’t a very kind wife to my husband while we shopped. And we had Chinese food for dinner, which is something we do about once per month - visit our favorite Chinese restaurant. So on Friday, maybe I didn’t try hard enough in terms of my health. That’s okay - as long as everyday isn’t like that. As long as more days are like Thursday than they are like Friday. This is an ongoing journey, and it is important to remember that, just because I didn’t give my health my all on Friday, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do it today or that I was a failure yesterday.

Each day I learn. Each day I grow. Some days I go backwards. Most days I go forward.

Am I trying hard enough?

The bottom line is - I’m trying.

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pocket-monsters-precure · 7 years

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Chapter 5: Intuition is Key! Watch Our Bond Grow!

Naomi let out a satisfied sigh, sitting on the beach before classes began for the day. The sun was just barely up, and the surf was quiet.

“It’s a lot like home,” she thought aloud, “Wonder how mom and dad are doing..?”

The footsteps in the sand behind her sounded familiar. She looked over her shoulder with a smile at the absol that approached.

“Sure doesn’t beat home, but it’s darn close, isn’t it, girl?”

“Sol.” Absol strode up beside her and sat down, nuzzling her briefly. Naomi giggled and scratched behind her head-blade.

“Alright, we better go. Next weekend we’ll get started on building a raft, okay?”

“Come on, you two, let’s settle this like adults…” Kailani said carefully as Rotomi and Rotom, who was inhabiting his Rotom Dex, were squaring off.

“I’m telling you—bzzt!—there’s not enough room in here!” Rotom hissed.

“I can’t just stay out in the open!” Rotomi argued, “And I need to stay close to the Precure! Kailani has too much stuff in her bag…”

“Um…” Fae began to speak up.

“The Rotom Dex was—bzzt—made just for me!” Rotom snapped.

“Wait a moment!” Fae raised her voice, prompting the others to look at her. “Um…maybe..she can live in my pokedex?”

“Really?” Rotomi’s eyes lit up as Fae unplugged her pokedex from its charger and held it out. “Here goes!”

Rotomi zapped herself into the pokedex, which suddenly gave off a bright glow. When the light dimmed, the pokedex had changed its appearance—it had gone from red to a pale pink, and had a noticeable heart shape to it. It opened up to reveal Rotomi’s face on the screen.

“Wow, it’s perfect! Thank you, Fae!” Rotomi’s face darted to different corners of the screen. “I’m now a Cure Dex!”

“A Cure…Dex…?” Kailani leaned in.

“Now that I have access to technology, I can better sense darkness, and maybe even track where it’s coming from! Maybe…if I keep absorbing the leftover negative energy, we can power this baby up! I mean, it’s just a theory, but…”

“It’s worth a shot,” Fae nodded. “I wonder if…” She accessed the pokedex menu, going to where she would normally see a list of pokemon she had catalogued. Instead, there were the two nega-evolutions that the Cures had fought so far. “Wow! It goes through Rotomi’s memory to see what nega-evolutions we’ve fought!”

“For real?” Kailani beamed. “This’ll be great for helping us with the nega-evolutions, then!”

“You can swap between the Cure Dex and your regular pokedex at any time,” Rotomi explained, “Can’t forget what it was made for, after all!”

“This’ll be super useful!” Kailani cheered, when she heard the town’s clock tower in the distance. “…ah! We gotta go to class!”

“It’s supposed to be really hot today,” Fae said as she went to get her bag, “Maybe we should go to the beach after class.”

“Oh, that’s a great idea! We can see if Naomi wants to go, too!”

“I’m sure she will,” Fae replied, “Naomi’s from Slateport City in Hoenn—there’s a lot of sailors and fishermen there.”

“I noticed her pictures—she looks like she’s quite the sailor!”

“She is! And a great swimmer, too! Come on, we better hurry…”

“Blasted Precure…”

Ataxia irritably filed her nails, gritting her teeth as she sat on a chaise lounge in the Realm of Dysphoria—the room was styled similar to an old-fashioned parlor, and the bay window showed nothing but darkness and swirling auras outside.

“Who do they think they are?” Entropy grunted, biting into a sandwich, “Suddenly gettin’ in our way…”

“I can’t believe they’re for real…in my world, they’re stuff of legend.”

“Oh yeah, I keep forgettin’ you’re not from my world. But how’d they start poppin’ up on my home turf, huh?”

“Obviously in response to Lord Tumult breaching the dimensions,” Ataxia replied, “But there’s only two of them, and our forces are spreading across your world, so it should be nothing to worry about…”

“You say that,” a new voice muttered, “But you were up in arms about ‘em when you came back…”

Ataxia growled and turned to face a sofa, where an athletic-built man was lounging. “You should talk, Bedlam! You haven’t even faced them yet!”

Bedlam opened one eye, lazily looking over. “Hmph. Well, since you two have already met ‘em, I figure it’s about time I go.” He sat up and stretched, before rising to his feet. “Lemme see just how tough these little girls are…”

“Pokemon medicine has drastically improved within the last two decades, and it’s even beginning to show in human medicine.”

Dr. Alice Pierce was giving a presentation in Mr. Barton’s class, in place of the normal science class. Penumbra was quietly sitting nearby, eyeing up the class, an ear twitching on occasion.

“Studies have shown that the bonds between human and pokemon have shown a remarkable improvement in both physical and mental health for both parties. There are even many charities and services available to provide therapy pokemon to those with mental disorders and physical disabilities. For example…”

Naomi stared out the window, tapping her pencil against her notebook page eraser-first.

“…does anyone have their own examples, small or otherwise, of how they believe a pokemon improved their health in some way?”

“Hm?” Naomi immediately snapped to attention, then raised her hand. Among the students with hands raised, Dr. Pierce’s eyes settled on her.

“Yes?”

“Well…” Naomi stood up in her seat. “…I’ve always been kind of a risk-taker, and my family would warn me that it would get me hurt one day. A few years ago, I went canoeing and didn’t think to take my pokemon with me…while I was out there, I noticed this absol standing by the water’s edge, barking at me, like it was trying to get my attention.”

Fae smiled—she knew this story.

“Eventually it got more and more frantic, and I decided to paddle over to check on it. As soon as I got out of the canoe…this huge gush of water came rushing over the waterfall and took my canoe with it...it turned out a dam had burst, and the absol was trying to get me out of the water.”

Naomi beamed, then finished, “Since then, Absol has been one of my most treasured pokemon. If she seems uneasy about something I’m doing, I second-guess.”

Dr. Pierce nodded. “It’s said that absols can predict disasters—long ago, it was believed that they were the cause of disasters, when it turned out they were just trying to warn humans. Thank you for sharing—seems Absol improved your health before she even became your pokemon.”

As Naomi sat back down, Kailani looked at her in wonder. “Wow…”

As Dr. Pierce went to ask other students for their stories, Penumbra’s right ear twitched, and she cocked her head to the side, toward the distant beach.

“What a great day…” Kailani stretched and gazed out at the water. “A class without tests and a sunny day!” She looked over at Naomi, who released Absol from her ball. “I had no idea your absol saved your life!”

“Ah, geez…” Naomi laughed sheepishly. “She’s been really overprotective since then, but I know it’s for my own good…”

“Who should I let out today…?” Fae examined her bag, before pulling out a pokeball and giving it a toss. “Let’s go, Seel!”

“Seel, seel!” Seel clapped its flippers. Kailani released Brionne to give Seel some company.

“Absol, can you watch our stuff?” Naomi asked. The pokemon responded by laying atop the trio’s bags. “…well, I guess that’s one way to do it.”

As the girls settled in and took to the water, Kailani looked to Naomi as she emerged from beneath the waves. “I saw your pictures in the dorm. You’re from a sailing family?”

“That I am!” Naomi beamed. “I was in the swim club at my middle school, too. Guess that’s what happens when you live in a port town like I do.”

“Does Absol sail with you?”

“Absol’s not a big fan of water; she likes to sleep on the beach while I take a different pokemon. Usually it’s Treecko.”

“No way! I’m imagining such a small pokemon clinging to the sail…”

“You’re not far off.”

Fae had emerged from the water, focusing on making a sand castle while Seel splashed around in the surf. She looked up at the two talking, smiling softly, when she heard a growl. Turning, she saw Absol beginning to grow agitated by something. “Absol…?”

Absol began to bark angrily. “Sol! Sol!”

“Huh?” Naomi looked up as she heard her. “Something’s up. Come on.” She beckoned to Kailani, as the two reached the shore. Absol had risen to her feet, pacing around and snapping her eyes in different directions. Rotomi peeked out of Fae’s bag worriedly.

“I’m starting to feel something, too…”

“Absol? What’s the matter, girl?” Naomi crouched down, when Absol tried to use her head-blade’s dull side to hook Naomi’s arm and pull her. “Hey!”

“Hey…” a voice drawled, “Would you shut your pokemon up? I’m trying to rest.”

The owner of the voice rose to his full height, slightly obscured by the shade of a beach umbrella. Tall, athletic, with fair skin and sandy blonde-grey hair. The dark colors and sharp angles of his attire were a calling card.

“It’s another member of Team Dysphoria!” Rotomi cried as she emerged from the bag.

“Name’s Bedlam,” he grumbled as he scratched his head. “You know, I was gonna take a nice, long nap before I got to spreading despair and unease.”

“What are you talking about?” Naomi raised a suspicious eyebrow. Absol stepped in front of her, growling. Bedlam lazily eyed the pair up and down, before digging into his pocket.

“You don’t gotta understand it…just obey it. Let’s see how much the nega-balls mutate a human.”

With a grunt, Bedlam hurled a fastball straight at Naomi. She had no time to react—but Absol did. She jumped backward, knocking Naomi away and being encapsulated by the ball.

“Absol!?” Naomi cried as she hit the sand, scrambling back to her feet to run toward the ball containing her companion—when it burst open again.

“NEGAAAAA!” Nega-Absol emerged from the ball—towering over the group at nine feet tall, its claws and head-blade razor sharp, its fur jagged and sinister. Batlike wings emerged from its back, as if a sinister subversion of the species’ mega-evolution, and its tail had extended to a whiplike length.

“Heh, that’ll do.” Bedlam snapped his fingers. “Nega-evolution, do your stuff!” Nega-Absol responded in kind, rearing up before charging toward the other beachgoers. People and pokemon began to flee the scene, as the monster kicked up sand, umbrellas and beach chairs. Nega-Absol reared her head back and let out a roar, a shockwave stopping and collapsing several pokemon, who now seemed frightened and weary, giving off a dim aura.

“Absol! Stop!” Naomi cried, before turning to Kailani and Fae. “You two go! I’m gonna stop her!”

“We’re not leaving you alone!” Kailani declared, while Fae anxiously watched the mayhem. After a pause, both of them took out their cure compacts; in that time, Naomi had already started running toward Absol, throwing a pokeball and releasing Sceptile to attempt to subdue the rampaging beast.

“Precure! I! Choose! You!”

As Cure Sunrise and Cure Wish transformed, Naomi had already attempted to battle Nega-Absol.

“Sceptile! Use Leaf Blade!”

Sceptile leapt into the air, converting the leaves on its body into swords as it attempted to slash at the monster. Nega-Absol responded in kind by swinging her head-blade and smacking Sceptile back down. Naomi ran to check on it, as it suddenly jumped to its feet and pulled her back as Nega-Absol tried to stomp on them.

“Sceptile, let go of me!” Naomi ordered, “I have to stop her!”

Sceptile ignored her, only for her to squirm out of its grasp and run back toward Nega-Absol. “Absol! Come back to your senses! This isn’t like you!”

Nega-Absol reared up to stomp again, only for Cure Sunrise and Cure Wish to slam into her with powerful kicks. As the Cures landed, Sunrise turned to face Naomi.

“It’s not safe for you here! That man did something to change your pokemon…we’ll do whatever it takes to turn it back!”

“I’m not leaving!” Naomi argued. “Absol’s been there for me through thick and thin!” She clenched her fists, tears streaming out, “I don’t know who you two are, but I won’t abandon her! I’d never abandon any of my pokemon!”

At that declaration, she took off at a sprint, and as she drew closer, Nega-Absol began swinging her head-blade down. Before she could make contact, there was a brilliant light…

Naomi looked around as she found herself standing in a starry void. “What…?” She looked around. She grit her teeth, then began to sprint in the endless cosmos. “Absol! Sceptile! Where are you guys!?”

“Ji-ra-chiiii~!”

Naomi skid to a stop, stumbled and fell over (somehow, despite there not being any definitive ‘ground’ to speak of), before grumbling and rising to her feet. She gasped, as a face she had only seen in picture books had appeared before her.

The legendary pokemon Jirachi floated before her, a warm smile on its face as it held in its hands a round object.

“J-J-J-J-Jirachi!?” Naomi stammered, as it spun once and held out the object…a compact with the image of a star.

“Jira!” Jirachi gave it a shake for emphasis as it extended its arms.

“I-Is that…for me?”

“Jirachi!”

Naomi took the compact in her right hand, feeling a warmth in her left and looking down to see a blue, opalescent stone forming.

“Will this…help Absol?”

Jirachi merely tilted its head, as a new energy began to rush through her.

“Precure! I! Choose! You!”

Moments later, a seemingly-new person stood in her place, and with immense strength, clapped her palms together and caught Nega-Absol’s head-blade. Clad in deep blue and pale yellow, short hair meeting back like a paintbrush, but all-too-familiar eyes glared up at Nega-Absol, before kicking the blade back and flipping away. She struck a fighting pose.

“Courage as vast as the night sky! Cure Starlight!”

#pocket monsters precure #pocket monsters pretty cure #pokemon #precure #pretty cure #fanseries #story

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