Consequences
A/N: There is just simply not enough enemies to lovers with Joshy boy. So, I wrote one. It’s angsty and a slow burn. Oh and it's also the grumpy x sunshine trope, but she's grumpy he's sunshine. Of course. (Also, she has a slight Beth Dutton inspiration to her, there also might be a small Little Women reference, too). As always let me know what you guys think and enjoy!
Warnings: SMUT. 18+ content only. DNI if you are under 18.
Word Count: 12.9k+
Regrets are an ugly thing to carry around in life. If there is one thing older people share with younger generations about how to live life to the fullest, most of the time the answer is going to be to live life with no regrets. How does one do that?
You can regret many things about simple daily choices. Picking the wrong playlist on the way to work and ruining your mood first thing in the morning. Deciding to go on a diet while grocery shopping and seeing no sweet treats in your pantry after a long day at work. Buying that pair of shoes that went out of fashion so quickly that you never even got the chance to wear them.
They happen constantly and while that advice of living life with no regrets sounds absolutely wonderful it is just not possible. Now, could they mean bigger regrets? Those life altering moments that you seemingly chose the wrong way to proceed on. If so, you still couldn’t follow that advice.
Because your biggest regret was waltzing around the living room introducing her to family and friends. His eyes were bright and glistening with excitement as your eyes followed their track, seeing who they were going to speak to next.
From your area of the room, slightly overlooking the group, Christmas tunes playing over the chatter, food decorating the tables bordering the walls, you had never felt more like the Grinch before in your life. It seemed as though you were overlooking Whoville and planning to destroy their holiday by any means necessary.
Maybe just his holiday. Their holiday. The two of them.
She was new. Very new. In fact, this was the first time she was meeting anyone outside of the brothers. It was unexpected. On your part, not for anyone else. It didn’t take the stinging sensation away from your face, a false imprinted hand that burned your cheek. Arms crossed soundly over your chest, eyes narrowed, you must’ve looked like a tried and true villain to those that laid eyes upon you.
You were unexpected to everyone else, actually. A last minute purchase on your credit card to head home for the holiday party. Let everyone see you for the one interaction you would grant them for the calendar year. Simply not interested in spending more time than absolutely necessary with this bunch.
Feeling someone saddle up to your side, speaking lowly so only you could hear, your smirk lightly grew, excited to listen to what bullshit he was going to spew at you. He was mainly speaking into his glass of bourbon, a large wide brimmed hat atop his head, sunglasses covering his eyes. “You look like a total douchebag,” you spoke out to him, not bothering to look to ensure it was who you thought.
He chuckled, stuffing one hand into his pocket. “You are just one bright ball of sunshine aren’t you,” you sighed, gaze never leaving their figures as her head tipped back, a laugh following at something one of their uncles had said. Your nostrils flared at it.
“What do you want, Jacob?” After sitting in silence for a beat following his snarky remark, not wanting to dive into another turmoil with him, you decided to cut right to the chase. If for anyone it was for your mother. You figured getting into an altercation with the boy would sour the jolly spirit that oozed from the room.
Sighing again, he didn’t turn to face you. He sipped his drink, smacking his lips once he had swallowed, doing it to simply annoy you. “You are going to leave them alone. Leave him alone. Put on a bright smile if they approach you and that is all.”
You didn’t bother with a response. As you turned to walk away from him, irritation dripping from you, he grabbed your arm lightly. “I’m being serious. Do not ruin this for him.” He had tipped down those stupid ass sunglasses, sitting low on the bridge of his nose, eyes boring into yours.
Pulling your arm from his grasp, you leaned in closer to him. “Who the fuck wears sunglasses inside at a family party? Get a grip buddy, you’re not as cool as you think you are,” You huffed out, watching his jaw set at your words.
Turning your back and walking away from him towards the bar to pour yourself a drink, all you wanted was for this night to be over. You leaned against the table, not struggling to find him in a crowd. He always burned the brightest around others.
Snickering into your glass as you saw Jake had decided to forego the shades for the remainder of the evening, hanging them from his button up instead, you felt a sense of satisfaction ripple through you.
You didn’t have time to retreat or really react. His eyes set upon your figure so quickly, it was like you had snapped your fingers and it all came barreling towards you at once. The smile that graced his face was showstopping, it was like the world had stopped turning in that moment, but it fell just as quickly as the realization dawned on him at who exactly he was looking at.
His bubbling personality was blasting tonight, clearly happy at what he was getting to do. The steely demeanor of your face didn’t alter or twitch in the slightest as your eyes connected for the first time in so long you couldn’t recall your last interaction.
Putting the glass to your lips and taking a long swig, he finally tore his gaze from yours, reeling him back into the present. She looked confused as to why her bouncing boy had changed so quickly, peering around him to see you. Standing there in all your glory, surveying her with utter disdain.
It was a harsh judgment. For all you knew she could be the sweetest belle of the ball, but it didn’t matter. Not when she was attached at the hip to him. She was immediately enemy number two. After him being one of course.
Sam laughed, echoing in the empty shell of your ear as he stood next to you. “Little miss hot shot is finally back from New York. How’s life? I haven’t seen you in forever,” your tight lipped grin was forced as you peeled your attention away from them for seemingly the first time that night, instead directed at the youngest Kiszka.
How was life? What a loaded question. One that you honest to god did not have a sure footed response for. “Oh you know, just making money for these companies which in turn makes me money. Can’t get much better than that,” you shrugged, sipping your drink, eyes crinkling at him.
He eyed you like the eighth wonder of the world. Truly conflicted that you were here at all. You almost didn’t come, but when you received a begging phone call from your mom that everyone was going to be there which would mean the world to her if you were too, you booked a flight.
“Well that’s quite a career given the entire enigma that you are. Didn’t know that’s what you did for a living,” You shrugged, taking in a deep breath as you did. “Yeah, I don’t typically share that with everyone.” Sam nodded, seeing where your eyes instinctively fell back to.
Clearing his throat, he nudged his head in that direction, eyes staring down into his glass as he chuckled. “This is Samantha, his live-in girlfriend.” You would’ve preferred being shot dead at that exact moment. Even being decapitated would’ve been better than having to share any more knowledge about her than you absolutely had to.
Eyes narrowing as you caught on to his words, you turned your head to face him, confusion etched on your features. “Live-in? What does that mean?” He poked his tongue into his cheek, trying to decide if he should be telling you this at all.
“Means she is following us on tour. The entire remainder of the tour. Not even Hannah or Jita do that,” he rolled his eyes, shrugging it off, but you hung to it.
Laughing at his words, a cackle of sorts escaping you, you sipped your drink. “Does she not have a job?” Sam went serious, holding eye contact with you as he shook his head, effectively answering all questions you had.
“Idiot,” you murmured out. But you didn’t miss the not so subtle glances he kept throwing in your direction. Growing more agitated with each capture of you he made, until he finally stepped away from Samantha and walked directly at you.
Noticing how his hands nervously played with the hem of his shirt, hopping between balancing on either leg, you wanted to laugh. He hadn’t changed. Clearing his throat, it still came out shaky and slightly cracked as he spoke to you.
“Deck,” was all he said, not looking at you once, only at the back door. Sighing, you tipped your head back, letting the honey gold liquid trickle down your throat, leaving the empty glass on the cloth covered table.
The biting cold nipped at you the moment the door was opened despite the thick winter coat that sat on your shoulders. A shiver ran down your spine, not due to the nerves that were obviously wracking his body in anticipation of what was about to occur, but because you were simply fucking freezing.
“Make it quick, I’m cold,” you bit out, your first words directed at him in a long time. He scoffed, clearly surprised at the tone you were talking to him in. “You are unbelievable,” he roughly scrubbed at the skin on his chin, head shaking, a bitter laugh falling from his lips.
You blinked, a smile tugging at your own, hand landing over your heart as you did. “Thank you so much. I don’t get that one often,” he cut you off, not interested in the banter you were trying to engage him in.
“What the hell are you even doing here?” He asked, almost in shock he was speaking to you at all. Your eyebrows drew together, turning back and looking at the door and the party that was still in full swing inside.
Your thumb pointed behind you, turning back to face him. “I mean. Did you see that my mom is here? Visiting family for the holidays, of course.” He rolled his eyes, then falling downcast right after. “Yeah because you’re always here at family events.”
Slightly leaning forward, arms crossing over your chest, catching his eyes as you did, your eyebrows drew up your face. “And who’s fault is that?” His eyes went wide, jaw falling slack, seeing the fire return in his eyes at your words.
“Don’t you dare blame that on me,” he whispered it out into the frost bitten air. You knew where this was going, your neck fell to the side, eyes shutting as the pop echoed out.
“You are not an innocent, Joshua. For once in your life, take some fucking responsibility. I am not going to fall to my goddamn knees and worship the ground you walk on because you think you are above everyone else because of your job. I am not going to forgive and forget because of your social standing now. That same social standing that your little plaything is taking advantage of according to someone close in your circle. Your sins do not wash away because of who you think you are now. You have not changed in my eyes,” you had inched closer to him, each word dripping as you spoke, watching as his eyes went wider with each syllable that left your mouth.
When the back door opened, his gaze didn’t leave you, couldn’t leave you, as you spoke to him. Your head turned, plastering a large facade of a smile on your face as she appeared. “Love bug, where’d you go?” Your eyes lit up at the nickname, turning your head back to see him slowly drag his eyes to her.
Love bug you mouthed out at him, seeing her reattach herself to him like velcro, watching his uneasy smile greet her as she beamed at him. Placing a gentle peck to his cheek she smiled at you. “I don’t think we’ve met! I’m Samantha, Josh’s girlfriend!”
Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, so unusually high pitched and happy it almost made your eardrum shrivel up and retreat further in. One of her arms linked with his, him not offering to speak anymore. You delivered your name, seeing who you were dawn on her, obviously having been mentioned at some point in whatever context to her.
You stuck your hand out, offering a firm handshake that had her lightly gasping, taking her hand back quickly. “Sorry, I have to use a firm grip with those guys in the city. I forget sometimes,” you chuckled, giving a half-hearted shrug as you did.
Josh laughed, seeing that it was intentional. The door opened once again and when the tall, curly haired brother made his appearance, Josh took that as their out. “We’re going in,” his hand landed on the small of her back, pushing her towards the door.
Locking eyes one more time, you shot him a look. One that reiterated what you had said to him just moments before. He quickly turned away, letting the door close behind him. You weren’t sure why you felt your throat tighten as it did, feeling like you couldn’t breathe.
Standing in the backyard, on the deck that you had spent many a night on, the cold air wrapped around you, zapping any and all oxygen from your lungs. Your breath stuttered, coming out in puffs of white air in front of you.
It was pitch black out, the music thumping against the house, you felt welcomed in the embrace of the darkness. Hating this stupid party. The stupid holiday. The stupid boy. Your jaw went tight, teeth grinding together as your eyes burned, not wanting to let any tears fall.
Not for him.
“Fuck.” You cursed out, Danny standing near the door as your hand pinched the bridge of your nose, willing the emotion to stop.
“That was,” he let out a breath, a laugh following it as he did, “a lot. You okay?” You gave a smile to the voice, nodding as you did, not wanting to look at him. “Yup. Living the dream, Danny.” He chuckled, coming to where you leaned against the deck railing. “It’s weird seeing him here with someone.” He spoke out, breaking the silence.
Wanting to get away from that topic, you turned it back on him. “How are you doing? I know this is your first holiday season single in a while.” He blew a heavy breath from his ballooned cheeks, fingers locking together. “Weird.” You both laughed at that, nodding at his words.
“Sure. I’m sorry I didn’t call. Life gets hectic,” he shrugged, waving his hands. “Ah, don’t worry about it. Your life is absolutely insane with what you do for a living. I think being a rockstar is something and then I hear about the accounts you handle in New York and my hands get clammy,” you laughter died in your throat.
He noticed quickly, uttering out to catch his mistake. “Sorry. I know not to talk about it, but it’s all anyone ever wants to talk to me about.” You turned, elbows landing behind you on the wood, staring straight at him as you did. “Talk to me about anything else. I don’t want to talk about that.”
You two stayed out there, chatting for the rest of the night. Talking about anything and everything. It had been a long time since you had a chance to sit with Danny. He had seemingly grown up overnight. No longer was he the dorky friend of his little brother, but an actual functioning adult.
It was silly too. You were hardly older than him at all, but it felt like growing up you had been worlds apart, but now your existences were co-mingling with one another. Your large coat was bundled around you, but your glass had fallen empty and Danny eyed it.
“Seems we have both drunk our way through our original glasses and half a bottle of Jack.” You narrowed your eyes at the near empty bottle sitting on the table between you both. “I think it was emptier than that.” You both erupted in a fit of giggles.
When his mom poked her head out, smiling bright at you two, you knew it was time to wrap it up for the night. “Danny, we’re leaving, honey. Are you staying here tonight?” He shook his head no quickly.
“God no.” You laughed as you both stood, his mom closing the door behind her. “Well, thank you for keeping me company this evening, Danny. I am like a virus in that room so thank you for remaining out in the freezing tundra with me. I apologize for getting you plastered,” he stuffed his hands in his pocket, sleeves of his sweater bunching up around his wrist.
“Takes a lot more than a couple glasses of whiskey to get me drunk. Life of a rockstar and all,” you scowled at his words. “How long are you in town for?” You sighed at his question, pulling your coat tighter around yourself, the warm buzz from the alcohol only doing so much for the Michigan winter.
“Through the weekend.” He nodded, apples of his cheeks pinkening as he cleared his throat. “I’m golfing tomorrow, would you like to come with me?” Your smirk grew as you narrowed your eyes at him. “I can’t golf, Danny.”
He shrugged, laughing as he did. “Keep me company then. You’re good company to have,” you bit your lip at his words, head falling downcast at him, nodding. “Okay, then. What time should I be ready?”
When you two walked into the party together, his eyes fell on you two. In fact, almost everyone's eyes fell to you two. This pairing was not a normal one. You leaned towards him, a joking tone as you whispered out to him. “See? A virus,” you walked away, heading towards your mother as Danny watched after you.
When Danny looked around the room, eyes connecting with the twin, seeing the plain look sitting on his face. Josh only nodded at his sibling, fighting the icky feeling worming its way down in his gut as he saw you two leave the house together that night.
The next morning, Danny stood outside, leaning against his car in his full golf outfit, waiting for you to join him. “Thought I was meeting you at the club?” He moved away from the door, opening it for you as he did. “Thought it would be easier to pick you up,” you sat down in the seat, feeling the seat warmer greet you, the chill of the air gone as the door shut.
“So, how long does a game of golf typically last?”
You stood on the green, Danny letting you take his club and attempt to put his shot on the hole. You were nine attempts in and not getting any closer. Your tongue was poked out in deep thought, he was watching on in true pain, silence settling over you both. He wanted to tell you how to do it, even help you, but he was going to let you try. Again.
“You know, if you hold it-” He finally decided to speak as you tapped the ball, watching it roll in the opposite way it was supposed to go. You huffed, standing up straight and shooting him a death stare. “That one was your fault.”
He held his hands up in defeat. “Totally my fault. I apologize. Would you like me to finish this?” You groaned, handing him the club and watched as he hit it in with only one try. “Show off,” you mumbled under your breath.
Leaning on the club, long hair tied back but still blowing in his face, he turned his cheek to you, putting his ear towards you in a show. “I’m sorry, what was that?” You sat down in the driver's seat of the golf cart, arms crossing over your chest as you did.
“Oh, I called you a show off.” He approached the cart, arms holding onto the top of it, leaning down to look at you. “Well now that we’re finished I was going to get you lunch, but since I’m such a showoff.”
He trailed off at the end, walking around to the other seat, sitting down with a loud sigh. You stared him down, as he turned his head to look at you, you narrowed your eyes. “I hope you realize that I’m driving. I could fling you out of this thing so easily,” he rolled his eyes at your choice of words.
“I’d like to see you try,” your eyebrows shot up, shrugging and slamming on the gas pedal as you did. It took no time at all for him to concede and as you two walked into a local place you hadn’t eaten at since you had left, you both were gasping for air at the stories you were sharing.
You stopped dead in your tracks, not having been looking forward, but instead back to where Danny was standing behind you, you almost ran into the person in front of you. “Oh gosh, excuse me,” you said, but his face went into one of confusion given you didn’t recognize him.
“Danny?” You wiped at your eyes, eyes blinking heavily as you realized it was Josh and Samantha. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you guys.” It was awkward as Josh looked between you both, obviously trying to figure out what was happening, but Danny spoke up first.
“We just finished a round of golf and I promised her food if she kept me company,” Josh’s expression never changed, only staring at you both. He hummed in response, Samantha grabbing his hand to bring his attention back. “Right, we were just leaving.” She giggled out, forcing an unnerving chill to run up your spine and worm its way in your brain.
Danny said his goodbyes, but as they walked out the door, you saw Josh turn his head and look back at you both as she walked in front of him. You held his eye contact for a split second before turning it back to Danny.
People change. Constantly people change. It didn’t register to you that as he was growing older he was morphing into a person you hadn’t met before. That’s what happened after spending so much time apart. It was why you and Danny were getting along so well.
You two had much more in common than you originally thought. Your sense of humor was almost identical, he liked the same foods you did, the same music, the same everything. You two were truly two peas in a pod. It was unexpected. Not something you were anticipating happening on that trip home, but even now after you had left, you two kept in contact.
Constantly texting, sending each other funny videos you had seen, or sharing things with each other that reminded you of them. Before you knew it, you were talking to him nearly everyday. When they had a show near where you were currently staying for a work trip, you fought within yourself if you wanted to do this
After putting it off for the entirety of their professional career, you decided it was time. Time to face the facts. Mainly in support of your now good friend. To see his friend.
You couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt though. You didn’t have feelings for Danny like that, instead finding another good friend to share time with. Danny agreed, having no romantic feelings for you either, but instead finding comfort in a confidant while he was going through an odd time in his life.
Instead, your thoughts were still riddled with him. One night after one glass too many, you found yourself typing in his name on social media, seeing the whopping amount of followers, soaring over a quarter of a million. Anger ripped through you, a small yell escaping from your throat, throwing your phone at the neighboring wall.
The sting would never leave. Never escape. The wound was just as fresh as day one.
You had never felt such resentment for a being as you did at that moment, picking up the shattered hunk of metal, trembling as your vision grew blurry. His face still sat on the screen, staring at you. It was still Josh.
As you stood backstage, waiting for them to appear after their set had finished, you were antsy. You couldn’t bring yourself to stay for the entire show, instead showing up a little after the halfway marker. It was the spectacle you had been expecting and then some.
The flames kissed the sky as they shot upwards, feeling your hands tighten on your biceps, arms crossed securely on your chest. He was reveling in it. Eyes skirting across the screaming, adoring fans on the metal barricade. The attention he so desperately craved.
It had been so long since you had been at one of their shows. The last time you went, it was because your mom forced you, claiming it was a family event. You didn’t want to go. At all. Hence why you left after the first fifteen minutes to use the restroom and no one seemed to notice when you did not return to your seat for the remainder of the evening.
Danny appeared first, makeup clad face beaming when he took in your figure standing there. Your scream laugh echoed as he scooped you up, lifting you with ease as he shouted, excited to have you there. Sam patted you on the back, saying how good it was to see you there, supporting them, taking you from Danny’s grasp and into an embrace.
Jake stalled as he followed suit, disbelief crossing his features as he took you in. His head turned, knowing his twin was going to be only seconds behind him. He walked right past you, not offering any semblance of a greeting. It was fine, you didn’t want to spend the night arguing with him anyways. When the last figure came from the stage, he froze, seeing Danny take you into another crushing hug as he spoke to you about the show. He hadn’t been told you were going to be there tonight.
Seeing you was a shock, nearly collapsing where he stood, but your eyes were not looking his way, but you could feel his presence. His mouth went dry, unsure what he should do. “Star?” Your head snapped at the voice, that name, but before either of you could respond, Danny took you with him towards his dressing room to hang out while he got changed, wanting you two separated by any and all means.
You spared a glance back, seeing his brows drawn together, furious. After spending the evening with Danny and Sam, you felt incredibly lonesome as you returned to your apartment that night. Your work trip had ended that day and as you drove back to the city, your own music blasting through the speakers, you were trying to forget what his voice sounded like.
Hearing that name for the first time left you shell shocked, entirely unsure why and he had said it. He had no right. Not after what he had done.
Discarding your shoes by the front door, collapsing in a boneless heap on the sofa, eyes shutting, a migraine impending. You almost didn’t hear it. Too quiet at first. But it came again.
A rapping of knuckles on your front door.
You almost let it go. Not interested in the least of who could be standing on the other side. But it didn’t stop. Continuing on and on until you decided that answering it and screaming at whoever could possibly be on the other side needed to be told to get a life, you halted when you furiously pulled the door open.
“If someone does not answer after the first time, take the fucking hint-” you didn’t finish your sentence as your eyes fell to the figure that stood on the other side of your threshold. Jaw setting, your eyes slightly widened.
He stared back at you. Unsure how to proceed. “How did you get this address?” You quietly asked, in complete disbelief that he had tracked you down. His hand lightly shook as he mustered up the courage to speak to you.
“My mom.” You hummed, head falling down as your eyes squeezed shut. You loved her, but to what extent. Giving your address out to anyone who asks? Not okay.
You drew your gaze back upwards, locking in on him, seeing him unmoving as you waited to see what the hell he could possibly want. He didn’t move to speak, a complete deer in the headlights as he eyed you. “Jesus christ, are you going to move this along?”
His head fell, taking in a deep breath before he looked back at you. “We need to talk,” your eyebrows fell inwards at his words. “What could we possibly have to discuss, Joshua? I’m fairly certain any and all correspondence that we absolutely need to do,” you motioned between the both of you as you continued, “can be done via email. I will have my assistant contact you.” Moving to shut the door, his hand collided with the wood, halting the motion as he did.
“No. We’re doing this now.” An overexaggerated groan fell from you, slightly stumbling back as he entered your house. “Please, make yourself at home,” you mumbled as he charged past you. Standing on opposite ends of the room, you crossed your arms as you waited for him to talk.
His eyes raked over your figure with a confused look, taking his time as he looked around the apartment, mimicking your stance before he spoke out. “You know when I look at you it’s like looking at a stranger? Truly it is. You have changed so much,” you shrugged at him. “That’s what tends to happen as people grow up. You should give it a whirl sometime, might be surprised with what you find.”
Your eyes never left him. Watching, monitoring his every move, noticing how every emotion he felt flashed across his face, burned in his eyes. He was the type to wear his heart on his sleeve, for any and all to view and do with as they pleased.
Noticing the redness that grew with each second ticking by, the glossy hew that took over, crafting a fog over the deep iris, he allowed his eyes to connect with yours. “What happened to you, star?” Your skin erupted in goosebumps, the hair on the nape of your neck standing at attention, any chance of a normal discussion out the window.
“How dare you? Who the fuck do you think you are? You do not-” the last word spoken through gritted teeth, “ever fucking call me that.” Your finger was pointed at him, trembling with anger. Resentment.
“You want to know what happened to me?” Your eyes were wild with fury, never removing from their target. “You did.” It was spoken into the silent room with seething disdain. The gulf between you two had never been as wide as it was now.
Staring at one another from across the pacific ocean, on different continents, different spiritual planes, you weren’t going to start swimming. No. He would swim first. You had done your marathon, your muscles ached, lungs were on the verge of collapse, vision weary. It was his turn to find his way to you.
It had been a different time when he would swim to you, meeting you at least halfway, you more times than not going the extra miles for him. Yet, he would in a heartbeat. But he always did. Always.
One, two, three, four
You were trying to stifle your giggles as you hid behind the vacuum in the coat closet. His voice was loud as he counted down, but he hadn’t finished when the door flung open to reveal a red faced boy, cramming into the tight space with you.
“Josh, you can’t hide in here! This is my spot,” you were whispering shouting at him, but he paid no mind to your worries, hunching over behind you and pressing his bony knees into your back. “Ow!” He shushed you, giggling at how cramped you two were as you hid from his brother.
Your hand clamped over his mouth, bringing your own to your lips, telling him to hush up because Jake had finished counting.
Josh always did this. Hiding with you when playing hide and seek. Instead of going and finding his own spot, he would simply shrug and say you knew the best spots so why wouldn’t he follow you. It was beyond annoying, but his presence brought a sense of comfort with him.
When the door opened, Josh in a complete panic, shot up from his seat, knee connecting with the underside of your jaw and sent you flying backwards at the contact. You were in shock, hand holding the spot where he had hit you, both of their eyes wide as saucers as they took you in.
“Oh my god, star. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. Jake, go get mom!” Jake turned on his heel, shouting for his mother as Josh slowly helped you up and to the couch, hand going beneath your chin as blood fell.
When Karen made her way into the living room, she groaned. “You damn kids can never play right. Come on, I need to get you cleaned up.” As she did, Josh never left your side, eyes brimmed with tears the entire time, guilt wracking his body.
His hand was enclosed around yours the entire time. You rolled your eyes at the boy after you had finished, letting him walk you back to the living room to watch tv. “I’m really sorry, star. I didn’t mean to,” you smiled at him, grabbing a blanket and pulling it over yourself.
“It’s okay, moonie. Let’s watch Toy Story!” His eyes reabsorbed the tears threatening to fall, running to the VHS cabinet to get the movie. When he sat back down next to you, your eyes lit up with an idea.
You two were tucked in the blanket fort together, beginning to watch the movie, a large bowl of popcorn between the two of you. He nudged you, eyes gleaming as he stared at you. “We have to come up with a cool story about how you got your bruise.”
It hurt to eat the popcorn, but you nodded as he spoke. “What if I tell people I fought a bear?” His jaw fell open, nodding enthusiastically. “Yeah! Over the bear's fish and you won!” Your uncontrollable laughter flew as you kept talking. “And-and he was wearing boxing gloves.” Neither of you could catch your breath as you continued on like that, forgetting what you were originally talking about entirely.
One thing you did know for certain was that if there was anyone who you would want to spin a tale with, it was Josh. It didn’t matter when or where, as long as he would be your co-captain, co-pilot, everything was going to be great.
Josh’s gaze hung on you a little longer that day, but he didn’t understand why his stomach had butterflies in it as he did.
He felt nervous. You were nowhere to be found in the ballroom where prom was being held. In fact, he hadn’t seen you since you all went and took pictures that day. He pulled his phone out, seeing he had no missed calls or texts from you, but he also knew you had reached your texting limit for the month a few days ago.
Your date was there though. He had seen him just seconds earlier with another girl. Josh didn’t want you to go with Oscar, but he asked you to prom before Josh could muster up the courage to. Now, he couldn’t place you anywhere in the room.
Fighting within himself, he went to his brother, leaning towards his ear as he pulled him closer. “Hey! Have you seen, star?” His brother shook his head, going back to dancing with his group.
He stepped out of the room, going to the outside area that had many games and other activities for prom goers, giving you a call. “Pick up, pick up, pick up,” he murmured as the dial tone kept going. On the last ring, you answered.
“Hi, Josh.” A breath of relief rushed out of him at your chipper voice, but something was wrong. He could sense it. “Star! Where are you? You promised me that you would do the cupid shuffle with me and I haven’t seen you once tonight.”
Clearing your throat to force away the wobbliness of your voice, trying to assure him everything was fine. “Oh yeah. I’m not coming, Josh. Oscar didn’t show up,” you murmured out the ending, embarrassed that your date had stood you up for senior prom.
“What?” Josh was irritated, beyond furious that he had left you alone. He didn’t know that was what was going on, but he checked the time on his watch and nodded his head. “Yeah, but it’s fine. I’m about to go home anyways.”
He spoke out into the speaker, walking back into the room where his twin was and scouting the crowd for him. “No you’re not. I’m coming to get you, stay where you are, I'll be there in thirty.” Before you could protest, he hung up the phone.
Pushing through the crowd, he grabbed his siblings arm, tugging him towards him. “I’m leaving!” Jake’s confused look met his face. Leaning in again to be heard over the music he explained, “Star got stood up. She’s been sitting there alone all night. I’m going to get her.”
Jake shot him an apologetic look, understanding, but bummed about his brother missing the rest of the night. Josh hurried out to his car, rushing to the other side of town where you were still sitting waiting.
His heart cracked as he saw you sitting on the bench, looking the most done up he had ever seen, a sad look taking over your features that only ever deserved to be filled with happiness. Jumping out of his car, he approached you, a small smile taking over his face.
Your face crumpled as you saw him, jumping up from your seated spot, throwing yourself into his arms, tears streaming down your face, sobs hiccuping as he crushed you to him. As you regained some composure, you pulled back, letting him wipe the tears away, you leaned into his side as he turned you towards the car.
“Can we go anywhere else, Josh? I really don’t want to go to that stupid dance,” he leaned on the hood of his car, you across it staring at him. He shook his head, “No. We’re going to the dance and you’re going to show that dickweed that you’re going to have a great time without him.
Groaning, you gave in, climbing into the passenger seat and letting him take your hand in his. It was quiet the entire drive, but as you pulled into the parking lot, Josh grabbed your attention.
“He’s a fucking idiot, star. Seriously, he is the stupidest man out there. You look beautiful and he doesn’t deserve your tears. Come on,” you gave a soft smile at his words, getting out and running around to loop your arm with his.
As you entered the dance, Josh was beaming. Catching sight of his twin, you joined their group, having a blast, forgetting about the last two hours all together, grateful that your best friend was there to rescue you. Again.
When the cupid shuffle started, your head fell back, laughter bubbling as Josh quickly grabbed you, forcing you to do the dance with him. Your stomach ached from the amount of laughing you had done that night.
Content. That was how you could describe how you felt as you laid on the cool carpet of his room. Excited. For the future and what it would hold for you both. Taking on the world together. One stupid dance at a time.
Laying on the floor with Josh in his bedroom, a fort held above your guys head, you smiled at the sleepy figure next to you. He laid on his stomach, one arm under his own pillow, the other flat by his side. Your hand instinctively pushed the falling hair from his closed eyes, fingers dancing over the smooth skin of his forehead. “Thank you, moonie. For everything,” he shrugged, rolling over to face you completely. “Anything for my star.”
Josh’s star. Your moon.
Bits and pieces of time together flashed in your mind. You were missing everyone. Everything. Being alone where you were, like you always were now. Longing for how things used to be. When you and Jake could be in a room together. Wondering when it changed that Sam and Danny were actual people, not just the little kids that followed you all around like lost puppies. Yearning for the comfort of your best friends embrace once again.
If your response had been different that one stupid night all those years ago.
Now, those fleeting memories seemed like an entirely different time. A different life. You didn’t dwell on the past anymore. Spending time worrying about the what if’s was ridiculous. It didn’t aid in moving forward. What had happened, happened.
You needed to face the facts that what you were dealing with now was how it was. How it was meant to be. Despite a small sliver of yourself screaming otherwise. That miniscule portion of you that had been buried alive for years.
Until you heard a pounding at your door. Until he showed up. Digressing your campaign by copious amounts of time. That fucking bastard.
“You ruined it.” Was all he said. Venom lacing with each word as he did. “Excuse me?” You spoke out, shocked that this was the way he wanted to handle this. By deflecting blame. Again.
“You. Ruined. It.” He enunciated each word. Clearly wanting you to understand what he was saying. Scoffing in response, he shook his head as you went to speak. “No, you don’t get to talk anymore.” Your jaw hung slack, you had never heard Josh like this before. “Samantha ended things,” your gaze hardened.
He wanted to blame another failure on you. Something that had nothing to do with you. Not in the slightest. You weren’t getting the full story. As per usual.
When you went to respond he held his hand up, effectively stopping you before you could start. “Don’t.” He said, eyes burning you with his stare.
“You know why she ended it?” If this was how he wanted to play this game then you would gladly be a great opposing force. Shrugging with a roll of your eyes, you spoke out to him, “I could not care less.”
With his jaw set, eyes narrowing in your direction, what he spoke out had you freezing to your spot. “Said I still had some issues with you that I needed to work through. That there was obviously something between us that either needed to be ended or fixed.” Looking at him, willing your brain to catch up to the situation, you spoke out quickly, but quietly.
“That has nothing to do with me, Joshua. That is your own problems that you need to face. Leave me out of it.” His laugh echoed in the room, causing you to flinch at the sound. It wasn’t the response you had been expecting from him.
He shook his head, stalking towards you, merely inches apart from one another. You could feel his breath hitting your skin, lips parting as his picture perfect teeth were bared to you. Chests brushing against each other with each breath that departed from your being. Neither of you broke the stare.
“It is your problem. And we’re going to solve it now.” He didn’t hesitate, didn’t second guess, just went off the pure adrenaline that he felt rushing through him. The energy that only ever seemed to surmise around you. No crowd could give him the high you could.
Without any time to react, he was on you. Lips colliding in a heated, vengeful coalition. Teeth gnashing together as heavy breaths mingled with one another. Not allowing yourself to think twice, leaning into what was happening. Savoring the feeling of his skin against yours once more.
Hands clawing at the others clothes, hair, limbs, anything you could get a grip on. Needy and desperate. Pent up emotion that had been put at bay for so long. Too long. It all came crashing together.
One leg shoved between your two, slammed up against the wall, his knee digging into your core as you fought for some sort of friction, relief, to assist in the burning sensation you felt. Refusing to open your eyes and see what was happening, who this was happening with, you almost didn’t believe it.
Another bad dream chasing you through your subconscious. Yet this felt far too plausible. Far too real. His lips leaving searing marks along the skin of your neck, collarbones, throat that had you a heaving mess. You had this nightmare one time too many. One time too many to know that this was not some message desperately trying to reach you because you fought against those thoughts on the daily.
He was here and it was happening.
His mouth found yours again as you laid beneath him on your bed, clothes long since discarded on the route to your room. Back arching upwards to brush along the bare skin of his chest, your hardened nipples meeting the warm skin of his torso. The soft curls entwined around your fingers, locking him to you to ensure he couldn’t escape. Not that he wanted to.
Josh had been thinking about this, dreaming about this. When you popped back into his life, he could not get you off of his mind. Admittedly speaking about his pure animosity towards you too often to his unknowing partner.
She had caught on quickly. That there was more to the story than he had shared. But he couldn’t tell her. Couldn’t begin to explain the intricate and complicated relationship that you two shared and where it had all gone wrong.
When you had ruined his life. In more ways than one.
With you under him, eyes rolled back as he thrusted in at a punishing pace, hands planted firmly on your body in any way he could, he knew this was the right choice. He was reaching bliss, you having already been there seconds before him.
He didn’t close his eyes. Holding eye contact with you, softening as he took in your fucked out peaceful look, eyelids heavy and hardly staying open. His hand cupped your chin, forcing you to look his way. “Keep your eyes on me, star.”
And you did. You watched as he reached his ending. Shaking and lightly moaning, deep guttural moans that cut through the room. Neither of you made any moves to end this. Instead, just simply staring at the other, trying to place what had transpired and where you now were.
Hand moving up to push the fallen strands from his eyes, offering a soft smile. The first one he had been given. “Moonie,” was all you whispered out. Josh smiled down at you, leaning forward, noses almost touching as he did.
Your smile fell almost as quickly as it had appeared. The air being knocked out of you. Betrayal stabbing you. Shock and dread clouding your thoughts. All it took was three simple words.
“I hate you.” He breathed them out, his own smile falling as he said it. Watching how your features morphed from one of happiness and hope to one of remorse and rancor. Honestly, he was shocked at how quickly you had seemingly turned back to him.
You refused to look at him, grabbing your comforter and wrapping it around yourself as you laid there. In utter disbelief at what he had done. “Get out,” you spoke out, only a whisper carrying your words through the air to reach him.
When he didn’t move, still practically on top of you, you yelled, neck straining, voice cracking as you did. “Get out!”
Josh moved slowly after that. Scooping up his clothing, the sound of your front door shutting behind him as he left. Left you sitting there alone, choking back sobs, hand covering your mouth so as to not let any noise escape. Tears fell freely from your eyes, landing onto the sheets below you, effectively dampening them.
He had done that just to say those words to you. Not understanding the true meaning of them. Of why you had said them to him on that night. That night you thought of so often. Wondering if you had made the correct choice. Now, as you laid there, discarded and alone, you knew you did.
You shoved the laptop into his lap, head landing on his shoulder as you stood behind him, pointing at the screen as you did. “Look! I know it’s a studio, but we can totally make do. We can afford it, we’ll do like bunk beds or something. Look at that view, moonie,” you were swooning at the city skyline that was clearly visible from the living room windows.
He cycled through the pictures, eagerly agreeing, talking about what kind of couch the two of you could find to fit the space. It was what you two had talked about, dreamed about, for as long as you could remember.
Getting the fuck out of this town and starting somewhere new. Trying new things. Doing it all together. Your shared mood boards, idea boards, dream boards were stuffed with the same things. Going to the city and starting anew there.
It was finally in your reach. So close you could almost taste it. Graduation had come and gone, a small gap time, moving for spring semester to start there. Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes of strategic planning on both of your parts was being put into motion.
Admission was accepted. Classes enrolled in. The lease was signed. The tickets were bought. Your life consolidated into four suitcases. It was happening. With your best friend. Your other half. The moon to your stars. Josh.
Laying under your signature blanket fort, eating a tub of ice cream, watching some ridiculous movie he had begged to see with you because he needed to explain the significance of the scenes to you, all you could think about was how many nights you two were going to be able to spend together just like this.
It was going to be everything you had been dreaming about for years.
He was looking at you a lot that night. Surprisingly, you didn’t notice the nervous and almost jumpy behavior he had been exhibiting all evening. The house was left to just the two of you. It was rare when that happened so when it did, it was nice to revel in the silence.
When your eyes locked with his, you instantly knew something was off. Wrong. What you didn’t realize was that all of your plans were going to come to a screeching halt, seemingly collapsing on top of you within the span of just a few minutes.
Pausing the movie, you finally gave in to the awkward glances he kept trying to hide. “Alright, what’s up? I can tell you want to talk so spill. What’s going on?” You took a spoonful of the delicious chocolate creamy goodness, but almost regurgitated it onto the rug.
“We should talk.” His tone was shaky. Afraid. Weak. You only nodded, letting him continue with whatever life altering secret he was about to tell you. “I can’t go to New York,” you groaned, shoving your spoon into the carton and rolling your eyes.
Grabbing the controller you were going to play the movie again as you spoke. “Shut the fuck up. I thought you were being serious.” His hand grabbed the remote, forcing your attention back to him. “I am, star.” It was whispered. Trembled out.
“What are you talking about?” You were more confused than anything, not comprehending what he was saying to you at that moment. “We were asked to record an album,” you didn’t let him finish, jumping up as soon as the words came out.
“Star! Stop! Just hold on a second, please. I need to explain this,” he immediately followed you as you moved to the front door in a hurry, pulling your shoes on as you did. “I don’t need you to explain anything. I knew it, I fucking knew it. I knew it was too good to be true,” you whispered out the last bit, tears burning the back of your eyes as you spoke.
His head shook, trying to halt your movements, hands grabbing your arms to stop you from walking out the door. To stop and look at him. “Star, I have to do this. I need to do this for Jake. He’s my brother! What am I supposed to do? Not do this for him? It’s his dream,” he was speaking quickly and loudly.
When you turned around as hastily as you did, he had fallen back a bit. Your tears freely falling down your cheeks as you peered at him. “And what about me? What about our dreams? We have everything planned! We leave in two weeks, Josh! You are abandoning me! You are fucking up everything that we have talked about for years, Josh.”
Turning on your heel, you threw the front door open, stepping down the front steps and beginning the walk back to your own home. Josh was right behind you, trying to get you to stop and talk. “Star! I know, okay, I know! We have a real shot at this. I cannot just give this up. The music we make is artistic and beautiful and I think there is a chance we can make a difference. It’s why we wrote the album in the first place,” you stopped dead in your tracks.
Anger pummeled you, surprised steam wasn’t shooting out of your ears. “You knew about this? You knew about this and didn’t say anything! You fucking dick! All you think about is yourself! Do not even try to tell me that this is Jake’s dream like this isn’t exactly what you’ve wanted from the start.” You were shouting, yelling so loud you were truly out of breath, gasping to catch your breath as you sobbed, feeling too many emotions to handle them all at once.
He shook his head, seeing how destroyed you were at this was ruining him. “Star, please. Please, I don’t know what you want me to do here. This is just something I have to do. I need you to understand that.” As you caught your breath once again, feeling yourself lightly go numb, all you could do was turn around and continue walking back home.
“I need you to leave me alone. I need you to leave me the fuck alone.” Josh stopped following you immediately. Hearing the seriousness of your tone, the monotone sound frightened him.
You didn’t see Josh for two weeks after that night.
It was like deja vu. Continuing on with life again after being let down by him. Identical to how you had to cope last time. With utter resentment you felt towards him. The regret that left a third degree burn on you whenever you thought about it. How quickly you had given in.
How much you really missed him.
The two weeks following that night were a blur of numbness and dissociation. Turning your brain on autopilot and just simply coasting. It was hard not to let your mind wander into the abyss that you had crossed off with yellow tape. A dangerous area to venture into.
The longing. For a different time. A different person. Something more. Knowing that it wasn’t always like this.
Feuding with his brother, in a constant state of numbness and pain, living each day with thoughts of what could have been. Wondering if you had made the right call all that time ago when things could have been different. Replaying it in your mind and pondering if what you said was what you should have spoken, or should it have been different. It didn’t matter because you were now dealing with the consequences of what you had chosen. Far too late to change your mind now.
While you sat on your sofa, an ambiance video playing on an eight hour loop on your television, staring at a book that you continuously kept rereading the same paragraph over and over again, the knock startled you.
Jolting you from the brink of unconsciousness. Slowly turning towards the source of the sound. Forcing yourself up to answer as the knocks grew more persistent with each colliding of the door.
The door opened with a large whoosh of air, a pissed off look there to greet whoever stood on the opposite side. “If you could wait longer than fifteen seconds for someone to open a door, I think you would learn a great deal about patience, asshole.”
His dark chocolate eyes, bloodshot and strained, stared at you. Instantly, you wanted to slam the door in his face. To avoid any and all contact with him by any means necessary. Seeing him there was like replaying that night over in realtime. Something you did far too often. More than you would ever admit.
Your room was empty except for the major items that had to stay put. All of your personal touches that made it your space had disappeared, packed away into abnormally large suitcases, awaiting their next destination.
One last family dinner before leaving the next morning had concluded. You had to get an early start in the morning, but as your parents went to bed, you laid wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Your entire life was going to be changing tomorrow and while you were excited, you were terrified for this change to actually happen.
You had been talking about it for years. Finally getting away from this town and starting fresh somewhere new. However, your best friend was supposed to be coming with you. But that wasn’t the case.
He was focusing on music. His brother's music. They were ready to start and make it big. What about you? You had yelled it at him. What about all the plans you two had? Instead, he told you this was something he had to do.
Effectively letting you know in that moment that your plans, hopes, and dreams were not as important as theirs. Placing you far below him. He had told you that what he wanted to do was better than what you two were going to do.
Squeezing your eyes shut, trying to tamp down the feelings of abandonment that pummeled you, you heard your phone ding.
Moonie- Come outside 4 a sec
Forcing down the bile that rose quickly, you fought yourself. Tie up all loose ends before you go. Say what you need to say. Hear what he has to say. You already know what’s going to happen. Face the facts.
Throwing your covers off, you hurried out to the backyard where he was standing, waiting for you. As you closed the door behind you, you couldn’t fight your smile as you saw him standing there. He was nervous, hands constantly moving, either his hair or stuffing into his pockets.
“Can we talk for a second?” It was happening again. No formalities, nothing. You nodded, walking alongside him as he slowly moved around the yard. “What’s up, Josh? Can’t be much worse than before,” You chuckled, feeling the awkward tension between you two.
“I need to tell you something and I’m not sure how to,” his own chuckle fell under his breath, refusing to look at you. You nudged him, arms crossed over your chest. Still swimming further than him, offering more than him, wanting him to be comfortable, forgoing your own comfort for his. “It’s me, Josh. What’s going on?” He took a deep breath, stopping in his tracks, turning to face you.
“I love you.” Your features remained the same, eyes rolling at his words. You knew he did. You also knew that one day you would be able to say it back to him, too. Letting him know that despite it all, you still did. All because of who he was. All because he was Josh.
However, tonight was not that night.
“Okay. What’s going on?” He shook his head, starting up again. “No, star. I’m in love with you. I love you. I have for a long time.” Your smile didn’t grow, having trouble understanding what he was saying.
Slowly shaking your head, panic coursing through you at his words. “What?” He nodded his head, moving towards you, closing the distance between you both. “I love you, star. You don’t understand how much I do. I have for so long. You are everything,” you moved back from him, eyes snapping up to him to see his shocked face.
“No. Josh, no, don’t do this. Please, don’t do this.” You started speaking, moving even further away from him, retreating back into yourself as you did. “I do. I’ve loved you ever since I knew you, star. I can’t help it, you are so good to me, and we mesh so well. I have tried to show you over the years, but you wouldn’t see it and now I’m telling you, star. I love you!”
You started to walk away from him, head furiously shaking, as he trailed behind you, yelling out into the night his profession of love for you. You stopped, turning to face him as you did, seeing the tears in his eyes.
“What do you want from me, Josh? You told me two weeks ago that our plans were easily discardable! You toss me aside like,” your breath caught in your throat as you tried to get your mouth to catch up to your thoughts, “like I’m nothing to you. Then you come here and tell me that you’re in love with me? No. Absolutely not! I leave in six hours! You are the one who chose yourself over going and doing what we’ve talked about for years.” He stood rooted to his spot, going to speak over you, but you cut him off.
“No. Do not. Don’t you dare. I hate you! God, I fucking hate you, Josh!” You sobbed, hunching over as you did, feeling all of the last few weeks wash over you in a colliding tsunami. Unable to control the noises that ripped from your throat, that came from the deepest parts of your soul that wept over this.
Over him.
Josh went home that night, alone. You went home, sobbing to yourself in bed as you did. You moved that next morning, saying goodbye to your childhood friends. He stood in his driveway, watching as you drove off with your parents, chasing a life that didn’t include him as anything anymore.
Vowing to do this alone. You were going to be fine.
You didn’t know what to say to him, noticing that he really did look like shit. You just couldn’t bring yourself to care. Not moving to let him inside, you two remained where you were, gazes locked in.
He was obviously waiting for you to start. Offer a lifeline to get the ball rolling. Not this time. His shaky hand came up to his face, rubbing at the skin, before huffing out, “Can I come in?” You didn’t want to.
But you stepped to the side, allowing him to once again move into your space. You weren’t going to do the heavy lifting. You absolutely were not going to do it. He recognized that, growing flustered by your stand off.
His hand went to his eyes, rubbing harshly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “It has been years and I see you one time. One time. And it’s like I’m back to square one. I think I’m finally over you, find an amazing girl, then I see you at a fucking Christmas party, and you take over. Ruining my life again.”His words were snapped, spoken in true fashion of passion and indignation.
“Then, I see you with Danny. My fucking band mate. My best friend. My brother!” He yelled, voice cracking as emotion took over his thoughts. “As if you being around wasn’t hurtful enough, you bring my brother into it!” Your head fell, shaking as you sniffled.
“It’s none of your business what my relationship with him is. If you must know, he is just a friend, Josh.” He held a hand up to you as you spoke.
“Do not. Do not. I couldn't care less that he’s your friend. Because he is mine. Not yours. So, you will leave him alone. You will leave all of us alone. I cannot have you around anymore. It is too fucking painful.” He stared at the floor, unable to look at you.
Your eyes snapped up to meet him, feeling a plethora of emotions attempting to scream out at once. “Excuse me?” He didn’t blink as he reiterated what he had just spoken. “Do you even understand what I’ve been through? Did you know that the Christmas party was the first time I had seen any of my family and friends in god knows how long because of you?”
Shaking your head, moving towards him, closing the large gap between you two as you did. “You do not get to tell me who I can and can’t be around. You don’t get to snap your fingers and have everything exactly as you want. Not how it works. You don’t think it’s painful for me?” He scoffed, head tipping back as he did.
“You don’t think that every single time I see your goddamn face I don’t replay that night over and over? Bombarding myself with thoughts of what could have been? Do you honestly think that you were the only person affected that night? That’s the problem with you, Josh! It’s all about you. Everything is always about you.”
You weren’t sure when the tears started to fall, but now as they ran streaks down your face, you take in his expression. Confusion. Anger. Pain. All of your thoughts these last few weeks had been your own personal hell of replaying that night.
If you had said you loved him too. If you had realized what your true feelings were for him at the time. Had you said you would try. But this couldn’t just fall on your shoulders. Josh was the one who changed your plans. Choosing to pursue his own interests and give up what you two had dreamed about for years. Abandoning your dreams you had constructed together. Brought someone else home to introduce to the family.
He was the one making it worse.
Shaking your head, taking in a wobbly breath, you eyed him. Josh finally broke the silence that had been draping over the room. “You went to the show. You went for Danny, right?” It was whispered out. Only nodding in response, arms crossed over your chest.
His head fell, eyeing the hardwood floors as he did. “What did you think?” When his eyes met yours again you could tell it was a genuine question. He wanted to know if you thought it was worth it. All he had done. Was it worth it?
“Danny looked great.”
Josh left that night after you spoke out those words to him. The message loud and clear. When you had been at that show you didn’t even look at him. Didn’t allow him to bask in your wondering gaze.
What he didn’t know was that it was a total lie. He didn’t know that the entire time you stood in the arena, watching them do a performance of a lifetime, you couldn’t look anywhere else. You stared directly at him, eyes unable to look elsewhere. He was a magnet drawing your attention to him and only him. Josh was at home up there. It was Josh.
While you stood in a small room, only a couch, a clothing rack, a small vanity table, and various snacks decorating the space, your hand wrung the tissue you had in them. Waiting patiently, having been pointed this way by someone with a clipboard, you assumed you were where you were supposed to be. His name was on the door.
As it flew open, a jumpsuit clad boy waltzing in, on stage energy still clinging to him, he almost tripped into the wall when he saw you sitting on the couch. His eyes were the biggest you’d ever seen. His head darted back to where he had been, turning back to you quickly. “Danny’s room is over there.”
You chuckled, feeling your face burn as you did. “No, I’m in the right spot.” He was like a puppet waiting for its master to make the move for him. Nodding as he shut the door, removing his earpiece in silence. Josh was jumpy and you knew his adrenaline was still high. Far too high to be doing this.
He didn’t want to look at you. Didn’t want to breathe the same air as you. Didn’t want to do this. At least not here. His voice wafted through the air. “I need to shower and change. Can we do this at the hotel?” You agreed, moving towards the door, but stopped.
“I don’t know where your hotel is.” He went to his pants pocket, pulling out the key card. When he told you where it was, what room to go to, you went quickly. You weren’t sure why you were even doing this. It’s not like he deserved it.
Everyone else did. To at least be able to be in the same space together. Possibly get your friend back. The person you missed the absolute most in the world. Who you so desperately wanted to call at the end of a long day and rant to. The moon to your stars.
Standing in the dead center of the unbelievably tidy hotel room, you came to the conclusion that he either hadn’t checked into the room yet or housekeeping had already cleaned up after him. Seeing a singular suitcase sitting on the floor, you wanted to peek.
Knowing it was going to be a bit before he was getting back to the room, you knelt beside it, opening the front and seeing the clothes folded so neatly inside. It was the same variation of clothing just in different forms. White shirts, both short and long sleeve, tan khakis either in shorts or pants, and long socks. You laughed to yourself.
Incredibly simple yet screaming that it was his. “Snooping around, huh?” You jumped up, startled by the voice behind you, heart racing. Your hand collided with the side of the tv stand and dresser. “Oh fuck!” You yelped out, crushing your hand to your chest to get the pain to subside.
“That’s what you get for being nosy,” he lightly laughed, going to the bathroom and coming out with a bandaid to put on the cut that was on the top of your hand. “Thanks,” you murmured out, letting him place it on the skin.
He moved back as quickly as he had approached you, shrugging as he did. “You came to the show,” you nodded. “I did,” his head bobbed, curls bouncing as he did. “Cool,” you offered a small smile. “It was cool. You guys are great,” his genuine smile graced his face, dimples lightly coming out.
Neither of you offered anything more. Until he sighed, sitting on the edge of the borrowed bed, placing his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry, star,” his voice was shaky, cracking, displaying how he felt. How broken he was.
“I never even apologized to you. I can’t believe I never even said I was sorry. I am so sorry,” his head looked back up, red rimmed eyes connecting with yours, pure exhaustion and anger swirling in them. “I know you didn’t,” you whispered out, unable to hold his stare.
He sighed, hands falling between his thighs as he hunched forward. “I know why you said it.” You sniffled, feeling the tears welling up in your eyes as you relived the painful scream you had let out when you had said it. Truly feeling it course through you. The unseeded enmity.
“I don’t know how you do it. Continuously throw my life off its course. Ruining it with every step you take. I don’t know how you do it,” you were shocked, jaw falling slack at him. “You destroyed me when you left that night, you should’ve just murdered me when you came to the show for Danny. I truly hate you, star,” tears fell down the bridge of his nose, the tip red as he sniffled, fingers locking together as his shoulders shook.
Unmoving. Playing out every scenario. Every action. Deciding that you had been living with regret for far too long. Tired of dealing with the consequences of that night all those years ago. Just tired. He was swimming to you. Crossing the gulf after you had reached the quarter mark. Not willing to meet halfway. Wanting him to come to you. And he was.
“I love you.” Your eyes couldn’t see anything, but him. Obsessed with how captivating he was. How mesmerizing he could be. Even at his lowest, he was a spectacle to see. “I am still so mad at you. I don’t think I will ever get over what happened, but fuck, I love you. I think that’s why it hurt so bad when you said it to me. I didn’t want you to tell me that. I wanted you to tell me that you despise me. That you couldn’t stand the sight of me. That it made you repulsed to be in my presence. It would’ve made it so much easier.”
He blinked. Mumbling out a response that was his thoughts trying to process what was occurring. “You said you hated me.” You laughed, a gut filled, escaping laugh. “I do. I absolutely do.” When you caught your breath, eyes scanning him to see his reaction, it was a split second.
He had enveloped you in him. Pent up aggression and anger and sorrow. All crashing together and fighting against the other to dominate the situation.
A slower meeting this time, savoring each other, memorizing the way his lips moved against yours. How his tongue would sweep your bottom lip, moving inwards to taste you like a starving man replenishing his appetite.
The shaking of his hands as he held your face in them, thumbs sweeping across the softness of your cheeks. Fingertips tucking behind your ears, slowly tilting your head back to greet him.
Moving as he willed you to. Landing on the mattress that digs into the back of your knees, allowing him to explore you for the first time as a different pairing. No longer as best friends nor the villain in each other's story, but as something that was uncharted between you two.
Greedily accepting him in between your legs. Feeling how full and complete you felt with him like this. The tip of his cock brushing your cervix, reaching depths that no one else had ever been.
Warmth radiated from you two, skin sticking together, moans filling the room. Impending orgasms only seconds from meshing together. His arms wrapped around you, encompassing you in what grasp he had, not letting you go.
I love you’s shared as he filled you in the most intimate way someone could. Panted out and landed on the lips of your lover. Forehead resting against yours as his movements stilled, allowing you both to come down and allow your muscles to loosen their grip.
You laid together, not speaking. Shoulders almost touching but not quite. Both of you were staring at the ceiling, unsure of what the next move was. About what to do. How to maneuver this. Going forward, how was this going to work?
It didn’t matter. Not at that moment. Where you both were just enveloped in the possibilities of the future. Of the hope that was now a glistening reality, waiting for one of you to grasp it and guide you both forward. Terrified to make the move. The two of you rattling in anxiety.
His hand laid flat on the rumpled white sheet, yours directly next to his, laying identical. You slowly reach over, linking your fingers together. A silent promise shared between you two.
A promise to deal with the consequences of this night. To go forward together. Figuring out whatever tomorrow would hold. Together.
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