#sick of trying so damn hard

[heavenfell-au]

I don’t belong here.

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#heavenfell #heavenfell au #underfell #undertale #undertale au #vent art #vent #don't want to burden anyone #but damn the suicide ideation is real in this one #i'm exhausted #of existing #of everything #of never being enough #of being last choice if even a choice at all #being the one at fault all the time #i'm sick of it #sick of trying so damn hard #for nothing #to be told that i'm still fucking it up #i'm tired #so fucking tired. #of being terrified all the fucking time

[cicide76536]

My gift to @tragediegh for Rote Winterfest Gift-exchange !

My beloved @vilyar was a life saviour for lending me his drawing tablet and computer when mine broke and for helping me sketch some of the harder parts ❤️ Thank you

#cicidedraws #fitzloved #fitzchivalry farseer #the fool #beloved the fool #the farseer trilogy #The rules for lovers song ruled hard and was a good inspiration for this #also With you by Cujo Moon damn #HUGE THANK YOU TO MY BELOVED VILYAR #This would have been ruined without you my sun #I've been sick for so long so I was only able to do this so late and then my drawing table broke and i lost my nerve but there he was #my sun my star my Al who gave me his computer and drawing tablet and everything worked well! #So thank you #This will be us this year #Anyways Tragediegh YOU ARE WELCOME TO JOIN OUR AURORA BOREALIS EXPEDITION #I will send you HD versions of these two #I dont know what to say other than that I hope you like this and get the most amazing year! #Also yall I am trying to learn how to do snow #I ALSO LEARNED NEW SHADOWING TECHNIQUE and I kinda like it!

[fortitudina]

*OOC. ------ I'm not sure who I am or where I belong anymore.

#* OOC #depression tw #( i dont know. I just feel like I should never belong anywhere or be anywhere. ) #( i'm the fuck up. I always have been. always will be. ) #( i've been crying for the best part of an hour and a half. ) #( i feel sick. my anxiety is sky high. the intrusive thoughts are trying to take over. ) #( i'm drowning in my own head and i'm trying so damn hard to not give into that voice niggling over and over ) #intrusive thoughts tw #self harming tw #( it's been bad all day but its just gotten so much worse tonight )

[riftcollapse]

im scared of Not Working again but also TBH i think im realizing now due to this shoulder issue that ive been struggling with similar levels of disabling pain but just as a result of POTS from working this job no matter how much i wear compression or take salt tablets or beta blockers or ANYTHING. so um. i think being that much of a physical detriment to my health is worse for me lol

#original posts #i need a tag specific for me wailing about Mysterious Illnesses #sick thoughts #<- yeah sure #i always undermine that POTS is like actually bad #im like oh these people say it Might respond to treatment so maybe im just not trying hard enough #<- he has tried every damn trick in the book and it's still disabling to the extent he wants a wheelchair

[aria0fgold]

I got waaaay too attached to my farmer in Stardew Valley that I can't play a new save without them and I also didn't want to just create the same character (It'll confuse me...) but I really wanna try out the meadowlands farm. So instead, I decided to create a storyline in which my dear farmer dies, reincarnates, and proceeds to dye and style their hair in the same way it was in the past life.

#aria rants #i tried so hard to create new save files just so i can use the new farm but i just cant play for long and just went back to my old save #but i wanna try the meadowlands! ive gotten a lil sick of the riverland farm. i want the blue grass! its legit just the grass i want #i created a new one but i didnt like how his eyes looked so redo! at least i can do this easily now since its just the eyes to adjust #yea my farmer has he/them pronouns. their name's asante (google search a name meaning thank you and thats what i got) #''thank you'' cuz i got stardew valley for my birthday (i think... 22nd birthday??? or 21st??? either of those) from my older sis #so like i made the character as a thank you for her! my old save also has a cat named after her nickname too #and since ive been playing with asante for the longest time since i got stardew valley. i cant play another character anymore #but that has now been fixed thanks to my writer brain putting some crazy storyline in it. if it works it works! #also am playing with mods in this new save! (didnt wanna touch my old save with mods am worried it might break) #just simple mods like recolours and texture changes (i remember trying sve before but damn... it was laggy. pc too weak)

[green-day-dad]

i miss my friend but how do i tell them i miss them without bothering/messaging them :’((

#ooc #i think im safe to post this here but also im sick rn so maybe my thoughts are clouded by illness #i know im not being ignored but damn it feels like im not someone they can just talk to anymore and that sucks #like we had a convo about not being tired of talking to each other a few months back like #even if we’re out of social battery it wouldnt matter if talking to each other #and now im part of the ‘oh yea you dont know’ group and it feels weird sjjfjfkkskfkkskd #trying so hard to be a normal person about this #im sure theyre just busy and im trying to drill it into my head so it doesnt bother me #but to have gone from being able to chat at least once almost everyday for the past decade to silence if i dont send a message… hurts #and if you DO stumble upon this (again im sick and im sure u use tumblr sparingly) #i dont want to guilt you into talking to me bc thats the LAST thing i want is to add to ur stress #but ig this in itself could do that and i dont mean to #just stuck in a weird loop and again i miss my best friend so much

[piplupod]

mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"

me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"

mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"

me: "...my thing?"

mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"

me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"

mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"

me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"

AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!

#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good #not the worst definitely not the worst #just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.) #and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama'' #number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu #my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything #and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that! #im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me #''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP. #i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind #like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.'' #and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/'' #mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over #i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family #this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!! #i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!! #i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible #i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out #i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose #i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!! #i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts #i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them #sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay #im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon #just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid #it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!! #or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that #suicide tw #abuse tw #ed tw

[hauntingblue]

Sanji has adquired top sad wet cat status

#that cream guy just watching luffy tear his arms off ajdhakw #sanji had gone past his angst too quick.... picnic and everything damn... #i finally realized why his guard is offering him aubergines. he looks like an aubergine #but to me it is a metaphorical remainder of his bisexuality he is abandoning by marrying pudding (he is getting out of his polycule) #he wants the aubergine for later akdhkashsk see... he is already tempted by the familiarity #'pudding might be changing that's why she is busy.... oh didn't her room have a balcony' SICK IN THE HEAD #'oh is this inapropiate??' idk MAYBE 'it wont be a crime we will be married tomorrow' JAIL #THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR SNOOPING AKDHAKA #his face is so... that one meme drawing of the guy in a war.... #i mean it is sad bc she was his only like light in the darkness but damn... hard lesson #oh luffy is cursing her out this is serious #well good thing aanji snooped...... is he gon a save his sister now or.... he wont fight pudding i am sure of that #sanji is gonna grab that gun and kill himself at this point pudding #jesus christ how long can this go on for.... you already killed him pudding stop hitting the dead horse #i believe reiju could kick her ass now that pudding is distracted but alas.... no girl om girl violence is allowed #sanji not being able to lit his cigarette is so..... this poor man... NOT THE SHOT OF HIM CRYING #omg perfect episode..... jesus christ..... #i uave to say.... i would have really liked for pudding to be normal and have sanji get away from a lover to go with the crew again... #its so bittersweet you know....... and shows his priorities #goddamn sanji crying in the rain trying to get a smoke...... this is like too much... peak poor little meow meow #wait a fucking moment... the intro song starts with my feelings for you are beating intensly.... this really is so gay.... #gay sex on screen is less subtle #talking tag #watching one piece #episode 817 #wtf pudding... if she didnt want reiju to die why tf did she shoot her.... #sanji the flowers... she will know sanji..... sanji noooo #i get the soul thing but where do zeus and prometheus come from???? what kinda power is that... #JINBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE #episode 818

[elijah-loyal]

dying again guys

(tag rant)

#bloodwork got back #i've got anemia #fucking hooray #anemia vitamin d deficiency and the weird cholesterol thing (not the bad one) #meanwhile im sick to my stomach in class and my body wants to throw up so badly #which is bad for me because im terrified of vomiting #and also I would get sent home and wouldnt be allowed to come back #which is NOT good #i need my schoolwork #i fucking hate being so sick all the damn time too #like my body geniunely just cannot handle anything #im so sick of being too sick to go to school and too sick to rehearse for theater and too sick to see my friends who are the people #that i love most dearly #im so sick of not being able to do regular stuff that other people can do because im so sick #im just sitting in class shaking right now after downing four pepto bismols that arent working either way #at least my eyes arent hurting now that i have glasses #small mercies i guess #it's just hard to stay positive rn but i'm trying! there will always be some good in the bad #no matter how fucking MASSIVE the bad is or gets #and maybe later today i'll be feeling well enough to smile #hug a friend #and remember that its okay that im sick; its not my fault that my body isn't wired properly #but its my responsibility to try as hard as i can and live <3 #(sorry for the tag rant)

[sinnbaddie]

I’ve learned that hating Sakura is a waste of time because it’s not her fault that she was written so poorly, it’s Kishimoto’s fault. All the blame is on him for how she and every other woman in the series is written. I genuinely think if a woman writer was the one writing the girls that the story would’ve been more interesting and these characters would have so much more depth to them and their potential fully reached

#naruto #Sakura haruno #anti kishimoto #I try not to hate manga authors and authors in general because it’s rude and they work so hard #but genuinely fuck Kishimoto with his stupid damn writing #I can’t even comprehend how braindead you have to be to write these women like this like you’re a sick fuck #I don’t wish him dead but I do wish him to be illiterate and never to write again

[ozlices]

as a person w so goddamn much medical trauma the thought of having to go through the process to find a new doctor that is not just simply compatible w me, but who is also, like. u know. an actually nice, understanding person who will put genuine effort into taking proper care of me is so taxing. like i wish it was a simpler process, but it's not. bc i gotta deal w the very real possibility that by having to go through this process, my medical trauma will be worsened even further. & it is already bad enough that i have panic attacks every time i have to go to any sort of medical facility.

im literally so fucking furious over how much this happens. & that there's no fucking consequence for doing it to a Human Being. for tossing a Human Being that needs medical care aside like a piece of fucking trash. the american healthcare system is such a stupid fucking joke.

#mine #and it sucks bc tbh im at a point where i rly wish i could say 'fuck it' & just. not bother. #but i dont have a choice bc im on daily medications that i cant abruptly stop & Have to take to function #like i literally dont even know how to like. deal w processing the doctor my family has had for potentially decades just dropping me #outta nowhere. like damn i literally cant even trust the doctor literally my entire immediate family has seen for YEARS #to fucking give a shit abt me. #ive been through such an absurd amount of betrayals this year i literally feel like a broken shell of a person #im numbing. i really fucking am. what the fuck else am i sposed to do. #like... literally i feel so nauseous over this shit. #no warning. no head's up. just 'oh btw we're not treating [them] anymore.' #like ????????????????? #bruh this year has fucking brutalized my dissociation. i literally dont feel like a real person w feelings anymore. #bc ive just been treated like a piece of shit that's an inconvenience & a burden & worth more effort than i deserve to be granted. #it's so... just... idk. man. i dont even have it in me to be sad or hurt anymore #im just so fucking burnt out & exhausted. ive been wallowing in merciless agony since i had to move back in w my parents #i am genuinely BARELY surviving at this point & Still shit just Keeps Piling On. #i literally dont know what to do w myself anymore. im trying as hard as i fucking can but holy fucking shit. #i already have way less energy to spare than the average person bruh. it's ridiculous #im sick of being told it'll be ok. im sick of being told ppl feel sorry for me. #im sick of complaining. im sick of being miserable. im sick of feeling like this. #i just want to be done w all the hardships im so fucking exhausted i dont wanna be a person anymore man. #also like. v fucking taxing bc not every doctor can nor will prescribe my adhd meds. #so. like. that's also terrifying. nauseating to deal with. #i literally just want to give up bruh and not even in a suicidal way like i just am so sick of trying for nothing #i could do nothing at all and still be put through bullshit im over it all im so fucking over it. #never in my life has being told 'it'll be ok' felt more dismissive than it does this year but my god. does it feel so dismissive & taxing. #ive literally never not been more not okay than i have been this year. & i continuously get more brutalized no matter what. #it's exhausting as shit just let me fucking breathe what the fuck jfc.

[discipline-is-power-plus-control]

My life is at a point where I need to invoke Maximum Bad Bitch Energy to cope with all this dumb shit piling up in my lap.

#The only thing that should be piling up in my lap are kitties and subs #So called communities letting me down when I'm in need #It's so damn hard to ask for help with rejection sensitivity #My mother had two gods damn strokes working retail and can only work half shifts for the next half year #Her medical bills alone are staggering #But trying to keep the lights on is so hard that my brother made a GoFundMe for her #Hundreds of people had access to it #Only three donated anything #My disappointment is immeasurable and my faith in my Twitch communities is ruined #Some of these rich bitches will drop a $500 dono every time they win at Marbles but can't be bothered to help someone they call a friend #Makes me sick to my ass #Youtube #So Below

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here my friend after a very, very long week. This is actually my 3rd attempt at sending you an ask. First, I finally had time and was excited to type up something for the latest episode and then the Buck LI stuff came out and the mood for that was killed. Next I had mostly typed up my salty thoughts only to have my internet go down (yes, I whined at home "what i was going to read??!!" and pointedly ignored my very much filled bookcase because my ships aren't in them). So here let's see if this one works out.

So how is it KR and the promo dept always manage to kill any joy we have when we get fed any kind of Buddie content (the follow-up to the Eddie getting shot, and the 5b and premier come to mind here)?? Seriously Buck and Eddie more or less went on a date and had family night together and almost immediately they came back with "look Buck and Eddie are going to go on dates!!". Its exhausting cause it seems like any time they put out a story that might even be slightly suggestive of them being more than platonic bros they insist on following it up with stories to "prove" they are, no matter how recycled those plots are.

And okay let's take a second here to ask WTF is KR doing with these characters? In 6b alone we've had Buck dying, a coma dream, PTSD, super powers, and now he's getting a crush, and we STILL haven't finished the accursed sperm donor storyline??!! Bobby and Athena investigated had the death of a beloved friend 🙄 plot, HenRen had the nonsensical Denny secretly seeing his Dad which was never an issue before plot, and Madney and Eddie are just kinda there?? The other characters have had at best one storyline where the audience has to either invent or rewrite the backstory for. But for Buck he's had like 50 plotlines, none of which have really gone anywhere? I love Buck but I'd rather have him have 1 good arc and resolution than whatever this bullshit is. I'd easily take that screentime and give it to any of the other characters if it meant we got 1 well thought out and executed storyline. Instead we're just recycling and redressing old plots for everyone else while KR uses a magnetic poetry set to plan what Buck's doing from episode to episode. We have 5 episodes left in the season, 4-5 guest characters that are going to be incorporated (including 2 much beloathed ones 🙄🙄🙄), and nothing really setup for our mains to do (even Eddie dating isn't setup, it literally hasn't come up after Ana and you'd think they could have in 6a while he was watching his son mature).

Anyway, I'll stop the rant here though there's definitely more I could say. I'll close off saying I hope you're feeling better today since this week looks like its been rough on you. Sending you virtual tea, soup, and hugs!!

Long week is RIGHT my friend! I'm so sorry you were foiled in your previous attempts! I am right there with you on the Buck LI stuff just...sucking a lot of the joy out of things for me. Because of course we're doing this again 🙄🙄🙄 I was even writing up notes on a possible fic and you KNOW I haven't written anything since Malex and even that was before s4 started. But alas. That sucks about the power going out! I hate when that happens especially if I was in the middle of something! (Also I am SO with you. I keep buying books and then just...not reading them because my brain says "it's not our blorbos so no.)

I am just...so tired at this point. Like yes these people *may* not stick around, but even so, I don't want to loose out on Buddie scenes and Buckley-Diaz family scenes! I don't want Buck to have 90% of his time and discussions with some new character I do not know or care about instead of Eddie and the firefam! They already tried to do that with BT and it was the woooooorst! I want Eddie to have screentime and arcs but again, I don't want the little time we DO get to be wasted on some random side character! And lets be honest, there is no person they can introduce at this point that can compare with the relationship Buck and Eddie have already built and the ways in which they are the perfect partners for what each other needs. So the options are to a) cut down on seeing that relationship so their new het ones don't look so shitty and lame in comparison, b) have these women be mostly just Blurry Girlfriends in the background with no personality or depth just to have the boys paired off so they don't have to do Buddie while still centering their relationship so people can't call them out for not committing to Buddie because their "friendship" looks basically the same, or c) give them LIs that are basically the other's personalities transplanted into a female body in order to have the relationship be anything close to what Buck and Eddie need in a life partner. These are all terrible options, and I hate them, more than I hate the idea of them ending up single even though it undercuts their own narrative set up for the characters but that's a cop-out too.

ANYWAY

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 to everything about Buck's 700 shitty arcs this season while everyone else is mostly twiddling their thumbs. KR is literally the worst at pacing and planning, and constructing a season with any kind of flow. On the bright side, Ravi is coming back and Chim is going to get to do something! I'm so excited! I was really hoping for more of him and Bobby teaming up last week because the little crumbs we got were GOLD.

I did have a very emotionally rollercoaster-y week and the show being Like This absolutely Did Not Help, but I am making it work. Mostly with loooots of fic. Cheers friend, lets see if we can make it through the finale intact, if Buddie dreams can make it through the finale intact, and if the SHOW can make it through the finale intact with how these renewal negotiations are going.

#my sweet nonnie friends #sleeping at last anon #911 #911 spoilers #IDC how it turns out 5 episodes from now or next season this is literally a repeat of s2 AND s4 #with eddie getting with someone and buck going back to trying to date right after #i am TIRED #i am OVER them running things in circles and going nowhere #and i am sick of kr ruining everything about the show with her incompetence and her obsession with cheap drama #GOD and the sperm donor thing is STILL fucking going! #didn't she say how “fun” it could be to see buck trying to date in the middle of all that?! #GOD if i think too hard about that storyline or the next few episodes i just get filled with rage #so i'm gonna go read some fic and calm down #but it is past time for her to go for REAL #get that woman AWAY from buck and his arcs and the whole damn show actually #brb gotta go scream into the woods for an hour

[izzy-b-hands]

i cannot wait for the next few days off of work so i can try and unfuck my sleep schedule even a little

#text post #was asleep by five (am) awake by one i work at five (pm) and then my second shift goes into the early am of tomorrow lmao #im just tired and sick of talking to anyone i don't already know and want to be talking to #i know this is the lack of consistent sleep talking and the season change but oof #im gonna have to figure out if I'm forcing myself to stay awake all thru tues or Wednesday to try and fix it #and cross my fingers no poll for this weekend so i can maybe catch up on sleep there #this didn't use to hit me quite so hard but that's getting older baybee lmaooo #i do wish my body and brain would just... get over all of this tho and stop being bothered by shit #like mentally or physically or whatever just. stop. let me do stuff and be normal and be better damn it

[vegaseatsass]

I always thought aging baggage was about like, societally induced bullshit about what our bodies should do and look like that mostly couldn't touch me because 1. I find the "look like" side of things sexy and have been anticipating The Changes with great eagerness since I was a teen 2. unpacking attitudes around disability and what my body can do is another thing I've been doing on and off since I was a teen (even if More is not such an eager process) what I didn't account for is the phenomenon of time??? moving faster and faster??? every year??? How terrifying it feels? To just not understand where 365 days went. For decades to disappear in a blur... it legitimately unsettles me!!

I have a bday coming up and I'm really trying to hold onto these contradictions. Half "Yesssss I'm heading into my sexiest years" half "but my 2018 birthday just happened. wtf"

#def a good way to counter this is to like. keep records of meaningful moments and landmarks. journal more #(and i consider like goodreads/mydramalist/letterboxd/etc journaling too. they help you chronicle and mark and remember) #also actively stop and try to remember what you did do in the last month or six months or year and cultivate gratitude/pride for it #yesterday i was remembering a project i pulled off over the summer like holy shit that was me? i did that! #that felt like it happened in 2018 the memory is so faded and ancient but it was actually august 2022!!! #and ofc the annoying things that work like stopping to smell the damn flowers or for me stopping to stare at the trees #trees... i love you... and you truly help me mark seasons and time #but man it's hard! time can you slow down please. you're making us all motion sick #otoh damn i look good #damn i know myself well #this fucks #etc #so you know time it's ok. we can still be friends even if you don't slow down #dear diary

[storybookprincess]

y'all why did i sleep on & off from approx midnight on saturday to 4 am today (monday)??????? TWENTY EIGHT HOURS with the occasional 10-90 min of wakefulness to eat a snack and drink water????? why is my flesh prison like this pls help?????????????

#i kept trying so hard to stay awake but the sleepy tired was too powerful & i conked back out #i wasn't even particularly sleep deprived???????? #my body just craves that mineral (sleep) #then every time i google 'hi why am i sleeping more than a newborn baby??' #the internet is like 'oh do you have a problem with your autonomic nervous system?? bc that'll do it' #and i'm like 'damn okay should've figured as much' #liv speaks #sick and tired