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missyasf · 3 years

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compass • 1

if I don’t have you with me I’m alone, you know I never know which way to go, I think I need you with me for all-time, when I need a new direction for my mind

Summary • Running into your ex-boyfriend is your worst nightmare come true and no matter how far you run, he’s right behind you and soon old habits that were better left in the past begin to return between you both.

Pairing • eren/fem!reader

Genre • angst, smut, modern!AU, dark content

Word count: 5.2k

tw ⚠️This is a toxic ex lovers story so strap in kids because the angst is strong, there’s a lot of themes of manipulation, mentions of self h*rm and attempted suic*de, eren has sad boy syndrome but don’t let it fool you, he’s still a toxic mess

“Do you think this is meant to last…” the air in the room was silent, it was late afternoon and the sun had just set, blue light filtering in as dusk was coming to an end, no lights had been turned on yet leaving the room engulfed in a suffocating darkness, “You know...between us?”

Your eyes stung from the tears you had cried earlier and your voice was nearly a whisper, but throaty and hurt from all the screaming you had participated in earlier today.

Your relationship with Eren, was something you always loved, the way he’d pull you along at absurd hours of the night, the playful wrestling you’d engage in knowing he’d beat you every time, the words that weren’t spoken between you both, but rather the way you’d just look at each other for hours on end, a smile tugging on your lips making a smile pull onto his.

The highs were high.

But the lows went beyond the dirt in the ground. And today was one of those days. It was stupid, you had just been complaining about your group project and Eren, out of protective anger, ended up misdirecting it at you, humiliating you in front of all your friends before you ended up in a long, emotionally draining argument that only ended when you threatened to leave.

The tears that poured down your face, the plead of Eren, telling you that you couldn’t leave him, that in no world, would you two never not be together. Was that really true though?

Eren hadn’t spoke yet, even after all your internal monologue. His silence made you nervous causing you to shift a little on the bed you both had been laying in, silent up until the words you previously spoke.

You couldn’t see all his features properly in the dimly lit room that was slowly becoming darker minute by minute, he only stared up at the ceiling, his expression dim, perhaps as exhausted as you were through all the intense emotional highs and lows your relationship was always put under.

That’s when you noticed his hand squeezed into a fist and his eyes squinted a little at the ceiling, “I told you didn’t I? How I felt?” He turned to face you, that familiar simmering anger in his eyes, not directed at you, not intentionally, but it was always there.

Eren finally turned to face you, grabbing your cheeks delicately contrast to his expression, as if he was holding delicate glass that even the slightest disturbance could break, “There couldn’t be a lifetime where we aren’t together…” He pressed his forehead against yours as your eyes closed, the familiar hot substance of tears rolling down your cheeks as his thumb gently wiped them away, “And if there is, then I’d rather die than live in a world without us.”-

Staring at your ceiling you glared harshly, that was only the one of the dozens of red flags he had told you time and time again back then. You were only sixteen and he was just a year older, you were young and inexperienced in love and Eren was the only person who had ever given you even a semblance of love, or at least what you had thought was love back then.

And he gave it to you so willingly, so passionately, looking back you couldn’t blame your younger self from getting swept away in the whirlwind that was him. Even after all these years, it’s still hard to not think about him sometimes, replay older memories of your past where his smile filled many happy days. And even after relationships, which were considered much healthier, you still found yourself some days missing what used to be.

And that was all in the grand scheme of you genuinely hating the fact that you missed him, logically, you understood that, it wasn’t healthy, your love, the relationship, the vicious whiplash of highs and lows. Eren, wasn’t, and given the path you both had been on- would never be healthy for you. But still, your days spent with him, where some of the last you ever felt genuine joy.

But even your unstable love never stood a chance, the pure euphoric feeling you had together and foolish naïve vows to never leave one another. Something built so recklessly, was bound to crash. And eventually your relationship went into flames with Eren and it was a hellish end too.

Drama from both of your friend groups ensued, it was a he said she said, Mikasa claimed Eren had ended up cheating on you with Mina at a party, Connie who had been a mutual friend introduced to you ended up cutting ties with Armin and Jean when he found out they had been covering for Sasha who had been using him just for better grades, Eren ended up nearly beating Reiner to unconscious when you had gotten into a massive fight with him and decided to try and be with someone else.

It had been a mess and nothing was left over from that storm. You moved away as soon as you graduated highschool, no college, no work, no money. Nothing, you didn’t tell anyone, you just left.

Those were dark days by yourself, alone with no one around, especially when you had built such a toxic codependency on Eren, who you relied so much on at the time, you’d become anxious at just ordering your own food to the point of becoming physically sick without him.

And to shred yourself away from him like that, even now, you weren’t really sure how you were alive at this point. But somehow, in the darkness of it all, you found yourself stumbling along the way. She wasn’t pretty, she wasn’t much at all, an empty hollow person. But she was better than what you once were, even if she wasn’t much better.

Then again.

The reason you were laying in your bed, much like that once dark evening, was because you were no longer in that dark place. No...you thought it was time you came home. Start college fresh and focus on an actual career rather than the way you had bounced from side job to side job when you were in California living in the dumps.

You didn’t think much of it anymore, sure some old anxiety would resurface occasionally about possibly running into old friends. It was inevitable, some were happier than others. You had gotten to reconnect with Connie again and shared a few laughs, some wounds that had reopened but were now bound and healed even better.

Everything was okay, you had only made two friends. Historia, bright and sweet, yet could be demanding when she wanted too and her girlfriend Ymir who was always one hundred percent real, she never hid behind a façade or lead anyone astray, and you appreciated that.

In fact, things were good...until you saw him.

Parties, were never your thing, honestly. Even when you were more extroverted back in highschool, they just weren’t what you considered fun on a friday night though you made a lot of exceptions when you were younger, and you didn’t regret it. You did have genuine fun a lot of the time. But if someone were to ask if you wanted to get takeout and drive with no destination, you’d be happy in a heartbeat.

Ymir had been the one to convince you to come to this frat party, she really was what one would consider a ‘bruh’ girl, always hanging with the boys in genuine fun as she wrestled around and had no problems keeping up with them while you and Historia would be off on your own.

“Oh come on! Stop being so prissy and just plug your nose if it smells that bad!” You winced at the harsh slap on your back came from Ymir and truth be told you halfway thought about putting use to her shitty advice.

Weed was thick in the air and you didn’t realize how many smokers had been at the party otherwise you would’ve dipped, not that you didn’t mind a good high every now and then, you just really couldn’t stand the smell. Your face scrunched in mild disgust probably gave it away that it was the smell that was the problem but honestly you had always been sensitive to smell.

“You know what? Why don’t you 1v1 in beerpong without me, it fucking reeks in here Ymir!” You whined as you rubbed your nose making her groan, “I’m gonna go on the deck to get some air, I’ll be back in by next round! Swear!”

Ymir huffed as she blew a piece of her bangs from her face, “You fuckin’ better bitch! You’re the only beerpong player I have and you know Ria is a lightweight.” You snorted as you laughed a little, rolling your eyes despite knowing she was right.

Historia enjoyed a good party every now and then but she didn’t ever drink here. Too concerned about what they put in drinks and the possibility of a douchebag slipping something in her drink to want to risk it. Granted Historia was more of a trashed on white claws in the privacy of your apartment and hey, it was a good time!

You waved her off as you wiggled through people crowded around, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be back! Bet!” The double doors to the deck was open and you weren’t surprised they had a pool here but it was still impressive, if it weren’t for the fact that you could spot red solo cups littering the pool and you could only imagine what was going on in there, people in the pool some in clothes, some stripping out of clothes and some way to close together to be friendly.

You nearly shivered, god that was like a UTI just waiting to happen. Guess you weren’t so jealous after all, you’d just stick to the community pool on campus.

You had been so focused on the pool you hadn’t even looked in front of you causing you to smash into someone. Your shoulder throbbed as you instinctively grabbed it, jesus who was built like a bull anyways? “Ow! Watch where you’re going dude.” You whined a complaint as you turned to look back at the guy.

It was like time had slowed down in that moment, his face too familiar despite being taller than you remembered and though his hair was longer than ever, tied up into a low bun with strands framing his face, you’d never forget those eyes that haunted you on long nights alone in an alleyway.

And it seemed, Eren Jaeger also remembered you as well.

Looking back, he was just as stunned as you and you both probably stood there in silent shock for a good ten seconds before you could grasp the situation immediately backing away before Eren had began reaching out for you, speaking your name as fast as lightning but you didn’t give him much chance for anything else.

You had begun running as fast as your legs could take you. You had imagined a lot of days where you’d run into Eren again much like you did two days ago, but in those scenarios, you always imagined yourself calm and...mature? Perhaps flirty but only enough to remind him of what he had destructively lost. Maybe it was just the more toxic side of your being wanting to selfishly cling to the idea of him still liking you, of a relationship still being salvageable.

But upon actually seeing him, the only thing you remembered, was the tears he brought to your eyes, the screams of arguments between you both, baggage that was both your trauma and addiction.

“Y/n? Come on, you’re making me worried...You’ve skipped two days worth of classes. I know he’s an ex but…” You sighed as you heard Historia’s concerned voice through the door, she had your best intentions at heart, but that didn’t make it any easier to talk about.

You hadn’t mentioned Eren outside of referring to him as a past ex before to both Historia and Ymir who didn’t think much of it, other than that he was a total dick, which he was. But he was a dick you had loved, your first love, if you will.

They always say, the first love sticks in a way others won’t. You were beginning to believe that despite a part of you still wanting to viciously deny it.

Sighing you knew you’d need to appease Historia even if she knew it was fake, just to get her off your back because hey, some effort was better than none. You stood up dragging yourself to the door before you opened it, her lips faltering a little in their angry pout when she saw your face. You thought your expression was fine, but it wasn’t until you watched her brows pinch to concern that you obviously were wrong.

She looked even more worried, “That bad of an ex huh?” She frowned before offering the soup she had made and demanded to bring to you over the groupchat. Ymir was behind her on her phone before she scoffed, “Took you long enough, can’t believe you let some dick make you miss class.”

Historia smacked her arm making her complain as she rubbed the patch of skin as you rolled your eyes tiredly, opening the door as you allowed them both in before shutting it. Why the hell not? And so with warm soup in your hands and curled in blankets, you told them both the past you held with Eren.

You told them about the good moments, the giggles you shared together, the happy memories of being at the cafe together sharing milkshakes and the way Eren would always chase you around at the park. And you told them about the psychotic breakdowns, the yelling matches, the way Eren would belittle and humiliate you in front of all your friends.

You slurped on your soup and Historia and Ymir sat there, staring at you blankly, obviously not sure of what to even say at this point as you closed your eyes, busy enjoying the chicken pot pie soup Historia man, god she always made the best comfort food.

“Eren Jaeger…” You glanced up in surprise at the way Ymir almost gagged, making you frown, “You used to date Eren Jaeger!? God how low were your standards- Ow! It’s true and you know it Ria don’t bullshit yourself.” Ymir complained as she glared at her girlfriend.

How low were your standards? You didn’t even want to answer the question because, well they were pretty low...Obviously…

“Back in highschool, we were sweethearts for almost three years. But after graduation everything just went to shit,” You sighed as you shook your head, “So I ended up leaving and didn’t look back...until four months ago when I enrolled here. I thought I was ready to come back and face everything but…”

Just the memory of those turquoise eyes, bright beautiful sea blue that melded with emerald green staring down at you, strands of hair framing smooth warm skin and those soft lips, “I kind of wanna ghost again.” You admitted, your lips twisting a little as you frowned.

“You can’t just run away when you don’t like something Y/n!” Historia cried out, a frown on her face and a look of concern, “I understand, it sounded like it was an extremely toxic relationship but…” She looked at her fingers as she fumbled with them, “But you can’t just leave college because of him besides…” She still didn’t meet your gaze as she mumbled, “Eren isn’t exactly the type of guy to chase girls anyways…”

You said nothing in return, not sure of what she meant because the Eren you knew and the one who had created a persona here were not the same person, Ymir scoffed, “He’s apart of Kappa Tau, the frat, jeez, if I knew he was your ex I wouldn’t have offered you to come to the party,” She sighed as she rubbed her neck, “He’s also known to be one of the sleaziest fuckers there, sleeps with girls, ghosts them and breaks a lot of hearts along the way. He’s pretty cold. You sure we’re even talking about the same guy.”

You frowned as you didn’t look at either of them...Eren...sleeping with girls? The notion honestly made you wanna laugh when you remembered his red cheeks and the way his hands were squeezed into fists in embarrassment when Jean outed his crush on you back when you were only a sophomore and he was a junior.

He sucked at talking to girls and hell, even you at the time granted after finding out he liked you it made sense. Luckily for him you also liked him back and the rest was history, for better or worse.

You thought back to two days ago, you had only looked at him briefly but you’d never forget that face, “No, it was him. Looks like some things don’t change.” You sighed, not wanting to linger on the past anymore then you had the past two days you sulked in bed, “Hey…” You spoke up drawing both girls' attention, “I think, I’m gonna go study. I missed class but Professor Ackerman was actually nice enough to send me the study material via email, so I can still catch up.”

“Bullshit! Ackerman never does that! What did you do? Blow him?” Ymir glared at you suspiciously as you snorted.

“No, he just makes an exception for students that actually make an effort in his class, can’t relate much?” You curved a brow only to have a pillow thrown at your face.

You didn’t think you’d come to this, but you were admittedly frightened, frightened by the idea of Eren and what could possibly come now that it was confirmed he went to college here and that he knew you were alive and well, and on the same campus.

So here you were, sitting in the small cozy cafe in front of one of your longest time friends that you had been actively avoiding, “Mikasa….” You mumbled, your eyes on your hands as she sat patiently. She knew you had been avoiding here because well...you had been honest with her when you first bumped into her, of course she was happy to see you, but she understood that you weren’t ready yet.

Four months ago you weren’t ready for the conversation you knew you’d both have before resuming your friendship. Closing your eyes you sighed silently, “...What happened...after I left…?”

Yes, the conversation that would take place before you could go on with your friendship, was simply the daunting answer of, what imploded when you left and never said a word. Mikasa sat for a moment, her matcha latte in hand as she looked out the window, it was cold and grey outside, showing signs that winter would be here soon.

Mikasa had grown as well over these years you had missed, her hair shorter now and framing her face, making her look almost like a delicate fairy yet her expression remained calm and neutral as it always did, she looked pretty.

“Well....it’s a complicated answer, if you mean in terms of everyone.” Mikasa hummed, a semi humored smile on her face before she continued, “In terms of the friend group as a whole? To put it short, things never recovered. Sasha and Connie act like they don’t even know each other anymore despite frequenting most classes together and social activities outwardly, Jean ended up making up with Connie again so he’s been in an awkward position between the two as of,”

She tapped her chin a little, “Armin felt so guilty for keeping it from Connie that he dipped in general, I’m the only one who still has social connection to him, he keeps to himself a lot now. As for me,” She puffed a breath as if somewhere between amused and bitter, “Me and Eren don’t talk anymore. And anytime we do, he still likes to use the words, ‘traitor’ and ‘liar’, oh, and a bitch too.” She rolled her eyes, nonpulsed at her brother’s reaction.

You still felt bad though, grabbing your drink you held the warm cup close to keep heat against your cold hands, “...And...what did he do, when he realized I left?” You looked up at her, your eyes had a semblance of fear in them, your stomach churning in an upset that you just wanted to be gone.

Mikasa sighed, leaning back in her seat as she thought it over before answering carefully, “Well, when Eren realized you left he…” She pressed her lips together, something bitter lingering on her face as she scoffed, “He lost it,” The pit in your stomach only curled worst at her confirmation to what you had already expected, “I mean, he went off the deep end,” She laughed a little despite having no humor in her tone, “Eren went around desperately searching in every possible place for where you might be staying, we ended up having an even worst argument after all of your socials disappeared and after the second day of you being gone he left.”

Your mouth dropped open as you sat upright in your seat in disbelief...he...left? “Yeah,” Mikasa confirmed your thought, “He left to find you. I don’t know what he thought he’d accomplish by doing so, maybe to convince you to come back? He never said, he just dropped off the same way you did.”

Mikasa sighed as silence took over as she sipped on her drink, seeing your eyes process all of her words she offered a small smile, “Anyways, Eren did come back, it was about six months later. I didn’t try to get ahold of him unlike everyone else because well...I figured he probably needed to be alone, to sort out all of his feelings and what had happened. And no surprise, he did return.”

“But…” You looked up at her, Mikasa’s nose wrinkling a little as she frowned, “He had changed when he did. He enrolled in college but it feels like his life is going nowhere, he joined his fraternity soon after and now all he does is just smoke weed and sleep around. Word travels pretty fast across the campus when it comes to him.”

You ran a hand through your hair as you puffed a breath, reflecting on all her words before Mikasa spoke, her gaze looking mildly weary, “I knew you said you ran into him but…” There it was, that old concerned look on her face, “You aren’t gonna get involved with him again, right…?”

You were quiet for a moment before you shrugged, “I don’t know what to do. Other than to just leave it alone. It’s been four months since I came back and this was the first time I’ve even seen him. And it was only because I was in his fraternity’s house.” It was the truth, you didn’t know what else to do at this point.

Mikasa didn’t look sold and maybe for good reason, she had saw first hand just how toxic your relationship could get at times, and Mikasa, more then anyone had always looked out for you, if she didn’t, she would’ve never let all hell break loose by telling you Eren had cheated, which ultimately lead to the demise of, well everything.

A big part of yourself, had hoped that Eren would forgive her and move on with his life, but Mikasa’s saying they didn’t talk anymore...well...It was concerning, they had always been close growing up and to hear they were distant now seemed wrong.

And furthermore, there really was no reason for Eren to need to forgive her in the first place, he was the one in the wrong...or...at least you assumed so, he never would admit it to you, but given he had gotten so upset, made you assume he was guilty.

“Well…” Mikasa drew a breath, “I’m not your mom, do what you want but…” Her words lingered a little as she spoke, “Please, be careful. I don’t really know how much Eren had changed, if any at all. I don’t wanna see you get hurt again.”

There was a lot that was required to speak to Eren again and a lot you weren’t sure you were ready to face, maybe afraid that a part of yourself, still had never gotten over him, maybe the shame of leaving him without so much as a word. Or maybe it was just the pain of having to face Eren again and have to reject him?

At this point, you didn’t know and you didn’t want to know, sighing you sunk back in your seat as you looked down at the table, “I don’t wanna be hurt again, I think, I’m just gonna try and avoid him, it’s for the best…” You didn’t want to deal with things, even if they were staring you right in the face.

You could face everyone, anyone but Eren.

Mikasa in fact didn’t leave straight away, after the painful conversation she had moved away from the subject and began to talk about her life and what she had decided to study in- forensic science, typical of her, just the notion made you giggle because of how fitting it was for her, she’d be excellent.

As the conversation continued, you slowly began to relax and smile, little by little. You missed Mikasa’s company, and despite the discomfort of Eren returning to your life briefly, at least something good came of it.

----

“Oww! You made me pull a muscle in the hallway.” You whined as you stretched out on the soft bed, your favorite place to be during the weekend. You’d rather be nowhere else then in Eren’s room as he collapsed on top of you with a laugh.

“What? Because I made you run for the first time all week? I saw your ass walking on track during PE by the way.” You jolted with a giggle at his fingers jamming against the sides of your stomach, Eren’s face had been hidden in your neck but you could feel his warm smile before a soft press on your neck.

Eren always put on a tough face but you adored the fact that the moment you were both alone, he was crawling on top of you like a baby begging for attention, hence your fingers in his hair and your head burrowed into the pillow as you closed your eyes with a little yawn, his body nice, snug and warm against you, the best blanket you could ever want.

“My legs were hurting.” You made up the excuse but honestly you just really hated running or any sort of cardio in general, you were always low in stamina and it wasn’t your strong suit.

“You’re legs always hurt.” Eren’s voice was muffled as he replied with a snort, “We should go to the gym later today.”

“No.”

“I’ll spot you on the bench,” Eren tried to coax you but your body felt like cement in this bed, meaning you had no intentions of getting up anytime soon, “We could do squats on the power rack for a fat ass. What about barbell lunges? C’mon…! Why are you so stubborn?” He groaned sliding off of you only to tug you onto your side with him.

Trying to shove him away you laughed as he pulled you back, your vision darkened by his sweatshirt as you whined, “Noo! Can’t we just stay in?”

“We stay in almost every weekend!” Eren complained as you finally popped up from the warm comfort of his arms, a pouty glare on your face as he guiltily smiled up at you, affection brimming in those beautiful eyes of his, “It’s true...you know it is.” He hummed, reaching out to poke your cheek.

Collapsing back against him you huffed, “Maybe…” It was true, but you couldn’t help it...You wanted Eren’s attention solely on you, and you had to share him during the week at school, was it selfish to just want him to yourself for two days straight, weekend after weekend? “I don’t wanna share you, so let’s just stay in...again.” You somewhat shyly admitted, squeezing him tight so you wouldn’t have to look at him, you were too embarrassed too.

“Hm? What was that?” There was a teasing tone in Eren’s voice making you squirm as you rapidly shook your head, a quiet laugh escaping him as he squeezed you tight making you jump with a whine, “Nu-uh, what was that? I couldn’t hear?”

“I don’t wanna share you! You’re an asshole!” You growled with a pout trying to shove him away but he wouldn’t let you escape his arms, his lips pressing over your hair as he cackled in glee, as if your words sent him into a kind of euphoric trance.

“Hmmm? Who said anything about sharing?” Eren laughed as he pressed his lips against your neck, his words playful, “I thought you already knew I was all yours yeah?” He looked down in amusement at you as he let out one last breathy chuckle, “Okay I’m done, we can stay in as long as you want.”

That was how you spent the majority of your weekends during highschool, over at Eren’s house because it was always quiet there, his dad was overworked to near death on twelve hour night shifts at the hospital and his mother...well...You had never known her, she had passed away six months before you and Eren had started dating.

Mikasa was the exact opposite, she chose to stay out as long as possible, one time admitting the house felt too lonely to be in for more than just sleeping and so she was never there. Leaving the both of you in a quiet peaceful environment. It had gotten so bad that you’d become anxious and would end up crying during the latter half of your relationship with Eren if he had the weekend occupied in a way that you couldn’t be with him.

Tapping your pencil on the table as you stared down at your notebook, it was quiet in the library, you had spent the majority of the day there, browsing on your laptop, studying or even just reading random books that seemed interesting. It was how you enjoyed spending your weekends now when you were by yourself.

You used to find it lonely when you were younger, the silence suffocating and after being in a relationship with Eren you had almost grown too used to his smothering love and not only that, but the way he’d so willingly give it as well.

Dropping him, your life, everyone you knew, wasn’t an easy decision, but you weren’t in a good state of mind at the time. You had suffered a lot of anxiety attacks on your own, bouts of tears in hurt and frustration when you’d see something that reminded you of him, but somewhere along the line of being in California, you began to enjoy the silence.

It was a slow process, and step by step you learned to be okay being by yourself, that nothing was wrong with it. And now you even enjoyed your time alone. You still had days where you wished it could be different, but again, you had learned to be okay with it. You were shuffling through some flashcards you had made to help yourself study as you hummed along to the song you had playing in your headphones.

You nearly jumped at the sight of a pile of books smacking against the table in the chair that faced across from you, it was nearly ripped out before someone sat down, immediately leaning forward and against the table as if to get closer to you. You had instinctively curled back in your chair but even more so at the dark hair tied back and strands messily hanging out, turquoise eyes earnestly looking at you.

Eren hadn’t spoken a word to you and yet, it was almost like you could hear everything he wanted to say.

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Note: yaaay it’s the start of a hot mess!!! lemme know if you guys wanna be tagged in future parts! this series will only be about 5 parts but i’m excited for it! :)

#attack on titan #aot #snk #aot x reader #eren x reader #eren yeager #eren x y/n #eren yeager smut #modern!aot #eren jeager #shengeki no kyojin

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