#she makes me hate myself so much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ace-dodo · 3 months

Text

My sister has been making me feel like shit since I have memory

#vent #i cant with her #she makes me hate myself so much #but also shes one of the biggest suports of my life #shes my real toxic relationship

0 notes

ahxiang · 2 years

Text

with the focus on the revolving door again in ep 16, i just want to say a little smth abt the door as an autistic person myself.

i know some ppl are frustrated with wyw's difficulty in using the door, saying it infantilizes her and that "she's a 27 year old lawyer, she's seen a revolving door before, she knows how they work." but the thing is, it's not abt her being familiar with revolving doors at all. at least not in the way you think. it's not "oh look at this lady, she doesn't understand this door bc she's autistic." it's a sensory issue.

autism affects our senses and the way we process them. what many allistics don’t understand about autism is that we’re not just overly sensitive to sounds and bright lights. we can be underly (is that a word??) sensitive to stimulus as well and have a hard time controlling our senses. this includes all seven senses. that right, seven. there’s the five you know, but also two you probably don’t: the vestibular sense and proprioception. these two have to do with body awareness, balance, and spatial orientation. that’s why many of us walk “weirdly” (if i ever catch you saying someone walks weirdly i am coming into your house and punching you in the face) or are clumsy. we have issues with our bodies in relation to the world around us and often have a hard time balancing. i walk into walls all the time and miscalculate and walk into doorways instead of through them.

so it’s not that wyw doesn’t understand the social concept of a revolving door, but that they’re difficult to navigate through due to her vestibular and proprioceptive sensory issues. i myself have a hard time with revolving doors! so pls no more “this makes her look dumb” or “this is so unrealistic”. if wyw is bad representation and is stupid for having problems with a revolving door, then i’m an unrealistically stupid autistic that walks into walls.

#extraordinary attorney woo #eaw #sorry for the mini essay everything i write turns into a paper absjs also the bolding is so that it's easier to read for neurodivergents <3 #also i'm not gonna lie at first my internalized ableism took over and i was hard on wyw thinking she was making us look bad and stupid #and then i realized that *i* literally struggle with revolving doors and would have to get my dad to help me get through when i was younger #this show has honestly challenged my own internalized ableism and concept of what is and isn't acceptable autism symptoms to show #and y'know what? fuck the idea that there's a point where you're too visibly autistic! this show has made me love myself so much more #and has helped me through issues i didn't even realize i had! i didn't realize how much ableism i had internalized and held onto #it wasn't until i saw wyw do things that i had hated or berated myself for that i realized i was being too hard on myself #if i loved wyw then i had to love myself too! and on top of that seeing jun ho love her for who she was made me love myself all the more #i just really love this show flaws and all #tea talks #eaw autism science #1k

2K notes · View notes

trensu · 5 months

Text

Have an itty bitty tiny piece of stasis in darkness, just so you all have an idea of where the story is going after the godly reveal. and also have proof that i am, in fact, still toiling away at this (as well as hawkins halfway house.)

A week and a half later, Steve entered a town he’d never seen before. He wore simple traveling clothes and carried no weapons aside from a couple of carefully hidden knives. He’d left his armor and shield behind. His satchel held only the essentials one needed for travel and a single stone as large as his fist. The stone was wrapped in layers of cloth to keep it safe during the journey.

I need you to find someone.

He felt very bare but he hadn’t been given much of a choice. Speed was of the essence for his quest, and little no-name towns tended to be wary of strangers in plain clothes, even more so around strangers decked out for battle. Steve wasn’t sure this place could be called a town. It was so small it hadn’t been on any official map. It didn’t even have an inn. Hopefully, Steve wouldn’t be needing an inn once he found who he was looking for.

He’s too far from me to reach.

He asked around, laying on the charm generously. He explained he had been a friend of a friend and had been trusted to deliver something. Eventually, he was told where to go. The house he found far beyond the village’s boundary was small. It looked like it had once been well cared for but it was old and had fallen to disrepair. Steve took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

A sallow old man opened the door. He was bald but had some scruff on his face still. His shoulders, stooped from age, trembled. His eyes were bloodshot. He looked so tired.

He’s my very last worshiper in all the world.

“Wayne Munson?” Steve asked.

“Who wants to know?” The man’s voice was phlegmy and rough. He coughed into the crook of his elbow almost before he could finish speaking.

“I’m Steve. Ser Steve Harrington, pledged to the Lord of Night.”

Wayne’s eyes widened. His grip on the open door weakened and slipped. Steve caught the door before it could hit Wayne.

“He sent me to you,” Steve explained. “May I come in?”

yep, that's it for now. i told you it was small. i'm not even gonna bother with a read-more here.

#trensu tells stories #stasis in darkness #i technically have another 4.5k words written already #but it is very much still a rough draft #it's all clunky chunks of stone with all that i want to happen but has not been carved and smoothed out properly yet #also i have decided to include at least a couple of prayers #because i hate myself apparently and want to make myself suffer #a poet i am not #and i haven't stepped in a church or said prayers in literal decades #well #that's a lie #i did attend ONE mass in that time only because my mom asked me so she wouldn't have to go alone #the priest went off on the queers during his sermon and my mom never asked me to go with her again lol #so i remember none of the prayers #and even if i did #i learned all my prayers in spanish #i have no idea how they go in english #ughhhhhh why do i do these things to myself

106 notes · View notes

inkskinned · 2 years

Text

i turn 29 on july 1st. i feel like i make a lot of these notes to myself, to check in. hi, me, here's what's happening.

hi, me. hi, you, too, if you keep reading. here's some rules i have been following:

when a book is bad, i put the book down. i choose something i like instead. when i don't like a movie, i don't make myself watch until the end. i care less and less what people think about me and focus more on being a good friend.

for the 6 months or so, i've been asking people what they think should be my next book or tv show. i ask them where i should go on a walk next week. i ask them what food i should try next, what hobby. and then i write it down in front of them.

the truth is some stuff slips through the cracks. but most of the time? within two weeks, i get to send my favorite kind of text - so i tried the thing you were talking about and !

i have a new policy for split-second choices - it's better to try it. i have social anxiety. i have to talk myself into doing many things. i am constantly battling the desire to run away as far as my feet will take me. and then i stand up and i do the thing anyway. i make myself act and dance and sing. sometimes, yes, i know-immediately never again, i hate this. but most of the time - i just have fun with it.

i have a new mantra - nobody is scorekeeping. at the end of my life, there will be no grand reading of how many calories i'd been eating. no reviews on how many boring documentaries i forced myself through, no calculation on how many hours i endured an extremely dull educational podcast. and so what if i try karaoke and i don't actually nail it? so what if i stumble over my words while trying to make a public announcement? so what if i wear something too-showy to go to the grocery store? nobody there knows me, and: nobody's keeping score.

life doesn't resolve with a grade (i know, i was as shocked as everyone else when i realized it). i am not falling behind, because there's no curriculum to life that i should be following. there are no checkpoints; nobody is making sure i have a fully-furnished life resume. i am just here for as long as the earth will have me, and i get to decide what makes me happy.

i don't have a partner or a house or anything that is supposed to belong to people-my-age. i spend most of my time focusing on being kind, compassionate, ready to listen without restraint.

and honestly? i feel good. like actually. i kind of like it this way.

#the really ironic thing #is that the less i care what people think of me #the more friends i have #the more i get along with people easily #19 year old me would kill me for saying this bc she HATED when people said ''stop trying''#but it was that i wasn't trying to be their friend #i was trying NOT to be ME #i went from being like ''i think im too different for people to ever like me''#to a decade later being like #'' ah i'll be okay i get along with pretty much everyone ''#it was true about food too #i wasn't kind to my body and thought it could make me look a certain way #if i was pretty it would make up for the way i was internally very ugly #but im now in probably the best shape of my life #and i have pretty much kicked my eating disorder to the curb (goodbye die in a hole)#bc i spend SO much more time seeing the chance to work out as a FUN THING #bc i don't make myself ''follow the rules'' of working out -- i dance or jog or whatever my body wants to do instead #do you know how weird it is #to go from being a COMPLETELY alone kid like NOBODY will talk to you bc you're a social pariah #like bullied ALL THE TIME bc ur stupid and flighty and strange and too loud etc #to being like the exact same person but now people are like ..... ''ur smart and funny and charming and happy-go-lucky''#some of this does have to deal with the fact i got therapy and medication #and started being a better person and actually focusing on myself and the ways that i could improve #im gentler now. i don't crave attention in the same way. i don't mind things that used to destroy me #it DOES help that i finally got diagnosed with ADHD #anyway feelin things bc it's been 5 years of recovery <3

3K notes · View notes

scintillyyy · 4 months

Text

thinking about it again (steph's anger holding a lot shame & disgust for her parents/their life choices/her upbringing and her negative biases as a result and her desire to completely divorce herself from her roots & be, what she thinks is, better than that)

#like don't get me wrong there are things steph deserves to be angry about #but i find myself far more interested in how ashamed she is of her parents at the same time #(thinking of how she hated it when her mom would come to gymnastics meets)#and because they failed her #idk. i don't see a lot of anger at society from her her anger is far more personal #she blames her mom for being an addict and is so angry about it #she doesn't necessarily acknowledge the societal factors affecting her mom that would lead to her addiction #like i don't think she has to be super sympathetic to her mom who failed her #and her unkindness about her mother's addiction makes sense to me as she was personally failed #but i think her inability to seperate her anger from this disgust at her parents' choices #leads her to have a lot of negative biases about people who remind her of her parents #and an inability to be impartial because of it #anyways thinking of this because she did grow up in the suburbs #and so much of that culture is keeping up with the jones and people often hide their struggles #so this would have been exacerbated by the thoughts that 'none of these other kids have these issues. their parents are good unlike mine'#because it looks that way to outsiders (even if it's not that way behind closed doors)

57 notes · View notes

camellcat · 3 months

Text

WTFFF I thought thirteen would be my new girl crush love of my life heart eyes wife you-came-after-twelve-you-must-be-better-than-they're-all-saying bbygirl and then I had to sit down and watch as she told a man who (if he were not a murderer, of course) literally every regeneration before her would've LOVED and FULLY SUPPORTED that "the systems aren't the problem. how people use and exploit the system, that's the problem. people like you" </33333 !?!?

#WHERE IS THAT POST THAT SAID NINE WOULD KILL THIRTEEN FOR BEING A CLASS TRAITOR #WHY WOULD YOU SAY “ERODE PEOPLE'S TRUST IN AUTOMATION” ALL WORRIED AND CONCERNED LIKE THAT???#WHEN DID YOU START LIKING AUTOMATION OVER PEOPLE THINKING AND DOING THINGS FOR THEMSELVES???#AND WHY ARE YOU TRAVELING WITH A COPPER??? WE HATE COPPERS??????#did we FORGET into the dalek?? how about how he treated danny?? god there's so much more I can't even remember off the top of my head #(I understand soldiers are different from cops but c'mon don't even PRETEND twelve would've been any nicer if blue or danny were just COPS)#also a bit off topic bUT MAY I JUST TALK ABOUT ARACHNIDS IN THE UK FOR HALF A GODAMNED SECOND—#I know the companions are usually the ones to do the doctor's dirty work here but like #I just can't see the other doctors NOT having the business man lure the spider for being so fuckin annoying about it #like I was genuinely surprised when they had him do that whole song and dance about not doing it and then he actually just. didn't do it #the doctor LOVES fucking with evil rich business men this is PERFECT. plus why not get back at him for being awful to their companions?#absolutely gobsmacked thirteen let him act like that. I am wrong in thinking that the others would've shut his shit down a LOT quicker??#anyways. I love jodie whittaker and it's just so upsetting to have her doctor do something so wildly off #THIRTEEN PLEASE I HAD SUCH FAITH IN YOUUU I WAS IGNORING THE HATERS AND FOR WHAT #I can SEE the other doctors in her still I can FEEL them they're there she's doing an AMAZING job but. oh my god. what did they make her do #I can't even say she feels ooc as a whole because jodie is bloody brilliant. it's just these... moments. that don't make ANY sense to me...#especially coming off of twelve?? I get the radical personality switch but that belief is a core part of the doctor. or at least I THOUGHT #thirteenth doctor #doctor who #I still love all of you who love her and reading ur posts/fics but I. will not be making any myself. I do not think.

30 notes · View notes

kisaraslover · 5 months

Text

if anyone has any problem making sense of the way i interpret Kaiba just remember this: Tea Gardner looks at him one day and has the dawning realization "hes like a lesbian of some kind" this should make all the pieces fall into place

#not art #tea gardner #anzu mazaki #seto kaiba #yugioh #ygo #i mean it. kisara existing or not. i mean ittttt #i look at him. i look at myself. i look at his barely contained animosity towards all men- immediate competition- rivals #and then his much more calm reception of women. and i go ''hes literally me''#this is why im forever kaiba-mai valentine kaiba-ishizu friendship truther. tea doesnt make the cut but like.#if i write the series again id have to make him choose her for anything that isnt dueling. that spot is determinedly atem #but hes gotta sit next to someone from yugi gang for a flight? gardner. hes gotta share a cab? gardner. hes gotta save a yugi friend?#gardner.#not that they speak. not that hed want to spend time with her he doesnt have to. but to me hes like those dogs that hate men always #mai valentine would genuinely have his respect -she seems to have given battles of her own and came out a bit similar to him #hed actively enjoy her humor especially if joey is the butt of it. she would actively make an effort to get close too. birds of a feather #ishizu though. ohhh hed be so annoyed anytime shes like ''fate and gods and magic'' the way i am when straight girls bring up.#astrology. and tarot and whatnot. half disproving and trying to convince them. half listening to see where they take it #but 100% not taking it seriously for himself #but shes an accomplished woman who can be a deadly business woman and hed like that part of her.#again he can see himself reflected in powerful women and the sexist writing aside he just wouldnt be threatened by them #COUGH gozaburo COUGH.#sigh i just gotta make everything about that asshole dont i.#<- actual seto kaiba thought whenever he has an emotional awakening to his trauma once again being tied to gozaburo #DAMN im a good kinnie. yeeeesh

23 notes · View notes

the-casbah-way · 13 days

Text

i’ve long since given up on the fantasy of an Accepting Family but i’m kind of tired of my mother pretending she’ll ‘try’ and support my transition only for her to turn around and tell me i’m making a mistake and i’m making her sad by doing it and also refusing to help me with even the tiniest things. i asked if she would drive me to my bloods appointment tomorrow because i don’t drive and i’m terrified of blood tests and i always faint afterwards so i don’t want to have to walk back home which takes over an hour. and she said no even though she’s not busy with anything else and it’s a short drive. she just doesn’t want to. and i’m not trying to act like a spoilt bitch who expects to get chauffeured everywhere but i would rather she stop pretending to be ‘trying’ when she doesn’t actually act like it at all

#i really did not want to walk to this blood test thing. or go on my own #it’s making me feel sick just thinking about it and i would feel so much better if i didn’t have to walk / go alone #and what annoys me is that she’d completely understand if it wasn’t to do with transitioning #but she keeps saying that i’m doing this to myself and it’s my choice that i don’t need to make so i can’t complain #i know it’s just a blood test and i’m overreacting i just really really hate them and they always go Really badly #i hate doing all this shit on my own. i find it all so intimidating and overwhelming

11 notes · View notes

shadowedvales · 17 days

Text

when jane's powers return in season four (and because they were regained by her confronting and accepting her past, rather than being retraumatised with it!) they're stronger than they ever were. when she starts getting a handle back on them, she very quickly comes to realise not only have they affected her, but her mother, too. one of the biggest losses that came about with her losing them was the fact that she could no longer visit terry in the void; while there was no real communication there, it did allow jane to sit with her, and gain a little more connection than she could in the real world. when she first visits the void after their return, it takes her three hours to find terry, something that is both unexpected and incredibly worrying. but when she does, it's something of a miracle. jane's increased strength and control over the void actually wakes terry up from her catatonic state, but only in the void. there's no way to help her mother physically, but she does do so (unbeknownst to her) mentally. terry is reborn in jane's newfound control over the vale of shadows; she becomes the woman she once was, and while her body remains frozen in a "good dream", her mind connected to jane's own allows her some freedom. jane is able to speak to her mother in the void, is able to be held by her, and while it's still unfair and jane cannot stay in there forever, it's something. this only lasts for about eight months, as each visit slowly begins deteriorating terry's physical and mental state, and jane's health begins declining after spending hours upon hours in the void each and every day.

when jane finds out these visits are actually killing her mother on the outside, she deems to stop, but terry expresses the importance of them being able to speak, that she'd prefer to die on the outside, if it meant she could have just a few months with her daughter like this. terry and jane's connection was always so strong, which ultimately led to terry "waking up" in the void, but even jane's newfound strength cannot save her from the harsh realities. each visit nearing the end of those eight months, terry fades more and more, becomes weaker in the void, and her real body eventually gives up. jane's in the void when her mother eventually passes on, and physically feels their connection weaken, like some part of her suddenly becomes lost in the shadows, a part she'll never find again. jane falls into a depressive state for weeks after her mother's death, given she's technically lost her a second time, but soon comes to realise she was lucky to have even shared those eight months together. it was better than nothing at all. there is a proper burial and funeral, (and when jane dies, she's buried next to her mother) which allows jane some sense of closure. she never fully recovers from losing terry, nor from the fact that she never had a proper relationship with her, but she does eventually find some peace with it all.

#study‚ in my dreams it's all real and my heart has so much to reveal.#IF U SAW ME POSTING THIS YESTERDAY. no u didn't.#i wanted to change things again (who is surprised!!) and decided to just rewrite it all rip.#me taking a few weeks off from this blog and then coming back with a brand new terry / jane hc? more likely than u think.#purely self indulgent too i might add!#every day i battle with making my terry portrayal canon to jane's timeline so jane can have her mother in every verse not just #selected ones.#but. her not having her mother is ultimately important to my writing of her and sfjasfjas >:( hate myself for it.#so here be a brand new addition to my timeline that gives jane SOME time with her mother!!! bc i need it for my mental health.#i imagine when terry dies her body turns to smoke in the void. almost like what happened to billy when jane was spying on him.#and he stopped her connection and faded in front of her.#and jane also visited terry a lot in the void because it allowed her to see more memories of her mother.#i hc that she had a real grasp on that before s3 when she looks into billy's memories.#terry (even in her catatonic state) WANTED jane to see what happened to her in hawkins lab.#so she'd want her to see the good stuff too. her childhood. andrew. her grandmother that raised her and becky.#all the good memories!#so when terry dies jane loses all that completely.#which leads to jane grappling with the conflict of whether or not she should have kept visiting terry in the void which eventually led to #her death.#because if she hadn't connected to her. she'd at least be able to look back on all those memories.#jane becomes obsessed within those months and barely speaks to anyone else.#in any free time she has. she's in the void with terry.#her own physical body grows very weak after a little while but she pays no attention to it and even gets into heated arguments with becky.#because becky is jane's carer and needs her safe and healthy. needs to look after her.#but jane is so adamant about the fact that this is her MOTHER and she's finally able to speak to her.#UGH i have so much to say abt this actually i sense a brand new addition to my timeline coming on.#ANYWAY. i'm emotional about them that is all.

12 notes · View notes

swinging-stars-from-satellites · 1 year

Text

why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?

#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry #when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister #but so easy literally everywhere else #I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person #I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents.#even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home #but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now #Lu rambles #can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn #bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister #bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me #the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW #that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone #so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to?#and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!!#ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.

72 notes · View notes

keeps-ache · 8 months

Text

i have my glasses now!! here are some things:

saw my mother clearly and almost cried

saw the parking lot and the sky and a tree and forgot to breath for a second

was so enamored with the Sky i tripped over a curb

the stars. oh my god the stars

#just me hi #HELLO #GOD BLESS THIS BEAUTIFUL PLANET WE ARE SO WONDERFULLY HERE #FORGOT TO MENTION THE MOON. SHE WAS STUNNING SHE WAS RED AND ORANGE AND YELLOW AND SHE WAS PERFECT #YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW ENCHANTING A GROCERY STORE REALLY IS UNTIL..!!!#and i HATE the grocery store man!!!#/my mother was wondering how it looked to me before the glasses and i drew a quick thing to show her hfsvh #it suddenly hit me the utter power of a vision and any intent i'm. i'm going to be making art forever aren't i #//but the SKY let me tell you about the SKY #it was wispy with white and that shade of blue we know so well was so much more shocking i can't!! describe!!!#AND THE SUNSETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT #THE SUNSET. YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND #it WAS. it was grey and blue and SUCH a vivid hot-pink it's seared into the backs of my eyes like a vision of something sacred #/TRY and tell me everything wasn't made deliberately. like everything wasn't woven with love and the intention of wild beauty. i'll bite yo #//MY MOTHER. SHE IS SO LOVELY #she looks so much older and she makes my throat hurt and i'll think about how she looked in that costco forever Lol #/my FACE HOLY LANDS #i didn't expect to look so textured!!! i need to look at myself more i felt so many things looking into that little mirror!!!!#/my DAD my SIBLINGS my HANDS our CAR i'm going to live forever in a world that is so much more rough and utterly bewitching #//today was beautiful and i could go on waxing forever but!! now i have energy to run off and thoughts to think so!!#toodles !! :DD

30 notes · View notes

saintfaulkners · 1 day

Text

one of my housemates is so fucking sensitive it turns me into a person I do not like

#like i always thought /i/ was 'overly' sensitive but my god. you cannot say ANYTHING around her #every little thing is too much for her everything is a trigger everything makes her tell you it wasn't okay for you to say around her or not #warning her about first like my sister in christ how the fuck should i have known this was a problem for you #maybe print out a trigger list and send it to all of us or something #but breathing is probably on there so #truly i hate how i sound i don't want to be like this but she's just playing the victim so severely it makes me aggressive it's like. primal #and I don't care when she flees from the room all the time when we're just having normal conversations because honestly I'm glad when she's #gone but she projects her issues onto everyone and everything around her like she cannot comprehend that maybe she has a fucking problem and #should maybe learn to deal with the fucking world #people aren't horrible for simply existing around you being themselves like. ny god it just makes me so furious #like i am AWARE that i have deficits; things that are easy for other people or come natural to them that i have issues with and that's fine #I'm learning to live in my way #and i can still love myself and not blame myself for having these problems without turning everyone around me and the whole fucking world #into the problem instead #i don't know if I'm even conveying what i mean #it's just this fucking victim complex that's driving me up the walls #she sees herself as so innocent and actually she's treating people like shit #man do i wish i could smoke about this

11 notes · View notes

opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months

Text

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

13 notes · View notes

pidgefudge · 2 months

Text

really feeling the lack of people like me irl. most of my friends are cis girls or fem enbies who just. don't get it. the few trans guys i DO know have very supportive families (one of them has been on t for years). like. what am i supposed to do with this. what am i supposed to do with my incredibly queerphobic parents and inability to cut my hair even though it kills me to look in the mirror and forced dress-wearing that makes me feel like shit all day.

#today we went to a shopping complex area after our competition and i was following around one of the two friends i have in choir #i was already feeling very dysphoric and sick at this point #so of course she and her group (all extremely fem cis girls) decide to go to sephora #and bath and body works #and francescas #and i cant just go off on my own so i stand awkwardly in the corner scrolling through the transmasc dysphoria tag #and said friend comes up to me joking about how much i must hate these stores and tries to find blush that suits me or whatever the fuck #things like this are what make me say “i hate femininity” and then i have to do a mental course correction #“i hate people assuming im feminine” “i hate feminity for myself” “i hate being expected to be feminine”#“i hate being surrounded by feminine girls as a masc trans guy” except that one was kinda my fault #slight upside is that i saw them cooing over dresses or earrings or smth idk and felt so extremely removed from whatever they had going on #a real Trans Man Moment #well. anyway #pigeon coos

10 notes · View notes

tennessoui · 4 days

Note

i really like your take on padme in mermay au, she is straight up vicious, it somehow suits her better than her canonical persona? i don't know i never saw her as particularly, overly kind in canon, more like someone who definitely cares but is downright manipulative? idk if i'm making sense, long story short, this version of padme scratched an itch in my brain i didn't know i had

i think padme is always fun to write because versions of her can be very complex and when i write her i like to focus on her capacity for anger (in fics where she and anakin are still together when the fic starts) i'm sure that gets a bit tiring to read for people but i just can't see her character just being calm and placid and ok with losing anakin immediately. she seems too fiery in canon, and she seems to love anakin too much to just let him go

and when im writing padmé in canon fics, i want to balance that part of her with her other parts, like her kindness and a sense of justice and empathy ('a more perfect union' padmé for example is all of those things), but i think all those parts are important.

so i've really liked how easy it's been to lean into padmé's viciousness in the mer au!! it's been super fun for me, because one of my favorite parts of writing different aus is playing with how much a character is of a particular trait (ie., how much of a bitch obi-wan is, how much of a brat anakin is, how much of a good jedi is anakin, how much infinite sadness does obi-wan have etc etc) so i've liked dragging padmé's viciousness all the way up to the top of the scale here

she's a mermaid queen who is queen of a vicious and vain society and being queen means different things in this au than it does in star wars canon, a lot of which boils down to never really hearing the word no and maybe being a bit callous and naive because of it. she's also the most mer in the au because anakin was human for 21 years and obi-wan was human for likeee ~15 years (?) but padmé has been mer all her life and would never want to be human - she's fascinated by anakin, but not in the same way obi-wan was by the humans when he first discovered them and i love trying to distinguish that

#asks #mer au #also i feel like padmé's not especially vicious but like #vicious because of being a mer and being the queen and having all this power and access to pretty things #also i just like writing her sorta crazy cause natalie portman sorta crazy is hot #jk (not really) but women characters can be flawed and still good characters #i feel like there are ebbs and flows in padmé fanon i see where shes a saint or where she's a bitch but a bitch so obikin can be togehter #which basically means a bitch so her actions are all unfounded and mean #but when i write her im always like can i see myself in this situation loving someone the way she loves anakin reacting like this #because she's losing him #and that makes me want to write her as a bitch but like. understandably so. like yeah go for the throat sometimes!!#breakups are messy and shes hurt #(the opposite of bitchy and way off base padme is omniscient angel padme who always knew this day would come and is alright with it)#(which i dislike just as much because she would not take that on the chin and keep walking lmao)#so a more perfect union padme saying that she hates anakin for making her be the one who has to tell him he loves obi-wan #but having to tell him and then asking him to choose her anyway #and then throwing a glass against a wall when he doesn't (amidst a breakdown not pictured in the story)#feels right for me #and mer au padmé spitting mad that obi-wan is interfering with her claim on anakin #so mad that she's like FINE you can marry him but you can ONLY marry him tomorrow #because i know youre both not ready for that #ALSO feels in character for me

15 notes · View notes

the-wandering-blob · 15 days

Text

*Proudly holds up drawing like that one scene in The Lion King* THIS IS MY WELCOME HOME OC!! 🗣️🗣️🗣️

His name is Andy Anderson. He is an elf and really likes space! He is also Eddie’s best friend ^^

He’s very energetic and rambuncious, but is still really sweet:) In the show, he would teach the kids watching about how space works and how big the universe is! :D A little running joke with him is that he’s pretty scared of Sally because since stars are made of burning gas and are really hot, he always put on a gas mask before interacting with her✨

He’s REALLY scared of Home. Rightfully so in my opinion. Especially after the Homewarming party! It scaring Eddie only lowered his impression of it😤

I’m probably gonna post more information about him once I decide on his quote, house design, bio, ect. 😗

11 notes · View notes