#to a decade later being like

[inkskinned]

i turn 29 on july 1st. i feel like i make a lot of these notes to myself, to check in. hi, me, here's what's happening.

hi, me. hi, you, too, if you keep reading. here's some rules i have been following:

when a book is bad, i put the book down. i choose something i like instead. when i don't like a movie, i don't make myself watch until the end. i care less and less what people think about me and focus more on being a good friend.

for the 6 months or so, i've been asking people what they think should be my next book or tv show. i ask them where i should go on a walk next week. i ask them what food i should try next, what hobby. and then i write it down in front of them.

the truth is some stuff slips through the cracks. but most of the time? within two weeks, i get to send my favorite kind of text - so i tried the thing you were talking about and !

i have a new policy for split-second choices - it's better to try it. i have social anxiety. i have to talk myself into doing many things. i am constantly battling the desire to run away as far as my feet will take me. and then i stand up and i do the thing anyway. i make myself act and dance and sing. sometimes, yes, i know-immediately never again, i hate this. but most of the time - i just have fun with it.

i have a new mantra - nobody is scorekeeping. at the end of my life, there will be no grand reading of how many calories i'd been eating. no reviews on how many boring documentaries i forced myself through, no calculation on how many hours i endured an extremely dull educational podcast. and so what if i try karaoke and i don't actually nail it? so what if i stumble over my words while trying to make a public announcement? so what if i wear something too-showy to go to the grocery store? nobody there knows me, and: nobody's keeping score.

life doesn't resolve with a grade (i know, i was as shocked as everyone else when i realized it). i am not falling behind, because there's no curriculum to life that i should be following. there are no checkpoints; nobody is making sure i have a fully-furnished life resume. i am just here for as long as the earth will have me, and i get to decide what makes me happy.

i don't have a partner or a house or anything that is supposed to belong to people-my-age. i spend most of my time focusing on being kind, compassionate, ready to listen without restraint.

and honestly? i feel good. like actually. i kind of like it this way.

#the really ironic thing #is that the less i care what people think of me #the more friends i have #the more i get along with people easily #19 year old me would kill me for saying this bc she HATED when people said ''stop trying'' #but it was that i wasn't trying to be their friend #i was trying NOT to be ME #i went from being like ''i think im too different for people to ever like me'' #to a decade later being like #'' ah i'll be okay i get along with pretty much everyone '' #it was true about food too #i wasn't kind to my body and thought it could make me look a certain way #if i was pretty it would make up for the way i was internally very ugly #but im now in probably the best shape of my life #and i have pretty much kicked my eating disorder to the curb (goodbye die in a hole) #bc i spend SO much more time seeing the chance to work out as a FUN THING #bc i don't make myself ''follow the rules'' of working out -- i dance or jog or whatever my body wants to do instead #do you know how weird it is #to go from being a COMPLETELY alone kid like NOBODY will talk to you bc you're a social pariah #like bullied ALL THE TIME bc ur stupid and flighty and strange and too loud etc #to being like the exact same person but now people are like ..... ''ur smart and funny and charming and happy-go-lucky'' #some of this does have to deal with the fact i got therapy and medication #and started being a better person and actually focusing on myself and the ways that i could improve #im gentler now. i don't crave attention in the same way. i don't mind things that used to destroy me #it DOES help that i finally got diagnosed with ADHD #anyway feelin things bc it's been 5 years of recovery <3

[gracelesstars]

"Back when you first came into my life, I recalled a place that I knew as a child A special place One that I held close to my heart Won’t you lead me in a dance down this winding road where light and shadow entwine to take hold of the thoughts of the one left far behind? Know that, sometimes, I want to turn around and see the things that I’ve passed on the journey, but know with love on my side, with courage and pride, I’ll fight I will carry on"

R.I.P. Akira Toriyama

#Akira Toriyama #Dragon Ball #dragonball #dbz #dragon ball GT #Goku #I haven't seen that stupid fcking show for like 17yrs why the hell am i crying?? #like damn #I started watching it when I was 5 #and then it became the first show that I saw to the end #Dragon Ball GT being the first series finale that I've ever experienced #i remember it being so weird as a child to lose something you've had for so long #for years I've been rushing home back from school to be able to see it on TV #...and then decades later seeing that everyone in the world was obsessed with it #it wasn't just my silly little kid show #like everyone under 50 know about Goku #as someone else said he really be up there with Sherlock Holmes Dracula and other legendary characters #What a legacy Akira Toriyama Thank you

[reineydraws]

i just. wanted to draw them kissin'. so here's a modern au mistletoe thing. :') happy december!!! also i think shanks would look amazing in a cream-coloured cable-knit. 😌💞

#one piece #one piece fanart #mishanks #akataka #dracule mihawk #akagami no shanks #shanks #red hair shanks #op fanart #btw the song for this is 'cold december night' by michael bublé!!!!!! #i think it'd be a really good mishanks holiday song abt them having missed the timing to be together when they were in college #but they get brought back into each others' orbits decades later bc their kids are besties and so now shanks finds himself #about to head to a series of parties with the guy that was the one that got away and mihawk is STILL hot and he is STILL SINGLE!!!! #there's a running thing where mihawk always makes sure he buys gifts for everyone who attends and he asks shanks what he wants #and shanks doesnt really answer him till it's christmas even and theyre having a warm intimate convo in front of the fire #and shanks confesses like 'i just want u to fall in love with me for christmas' #(little does he know mihawk never stopped being in love with him too!!!!!) #i digress

[in-study-hell]

Malik, how do you hold all that girlboss energy in so few polygons?

#Malik al sayf #ac1 #I watched ppl play assassins creed 1 and immediately got attached to this guy #The writers gave him some of the best lines bless #Also damn the game still holds up so well despite being more than a decade old #Might draw more memes later idk #Anyways #his sick burns are very fun but I also absolutely enjoy that he gets like closure along the story even if it means #Less savage burns #Altair is here too but this isn’t about him

[enderspawn]

dreys fuckin final words to baby chip were “close your eyes, bud. it’ll be done soon”

#SORRY experiencing the implications #bc like. fuck man over a decade later they’re worn and haunted and scarred and even tho they’ve found each other again it’s STILL not done. #and in general like. for those years and years of them all presumed dead and Chip being alone and. fuck. close your eyes bud. #anyway. if they in Any Way echo this quote when the blackrose plotline is Summarizing/concluding #I will detonate like a bomb and take out the nearest 3 blocks <3 #jrwi #jrwi spoilers #og post #riptide

[littlegildedswallow]

i wish radfems understood that eating disorders (NOT disordered eating or disordered thoughts, but fully-fledged eating disorders) are more about making our mental and emotional suffering obvious via our physical selves and less about beauty standards or whatever.

just like all self-harm, particularly as seen in young women, is.

#most of us develop them YOUNG like single digit age young #and don't understand why we did/do the shit we did until years or DECADES later #i see radfems beings spiteful towards women with eds and it fucking kills me because these women arE FUCKING BEGGING FOR HELP THE ONLY WAY #THEY COULD FIGURE OUT AT THE AGE OF LIKE 12 #THEY'RE MENTALLY STUCK IN TRAUMATIC TIMES FROM THEIR CHILDHOODS AND PATTERNS THAT ARE UNBREAKABALE BECAUSE THEIR IDENTITIES REVOLVE AROUND #THEM #FUCK !!! #sorry to not be a perfect fucking feminist couldn't help but be traumatized fuck you #my god #mine #tw ed #tw eating disorder

[goldammerchen]

Gilbert, taunting young Ludwig: You haven't "graduated" from horse riding until you have a nasty accident!

(Ludwig has an horrific riding accident)

Gilbert:

(High pitched) LUTZ!

#~~don't worry: mutti is coming!!~~ #hetalia dialogue #hws prussia #hws germany #hello from the queue #also. related to first tag (thank proosh lmao): i hc gil being stupid soldier like misogynist around lud most of lud's life; #but decades later after the wall fell gil started making jokes about being his “older sister” or “mother”- to which lud is like: #(1.) wth are *you* talking about- since when...?; (2.) nvm i don't have time for this

[maukiki-but-cringefail]

Compilation of stupid fucking beyblade thumbnails i keep seeing

#nah id win sent me #cauze someone reblogged one of my posts making that joke #two seconds later i find this video on youtube #bro did not win #what is beyblade even about #love the amount of people who havent watched this shit in a decade and now see clips of it #and go wtf was it always like this #it was but you dont remember it being this insane because you wwere a kid brother #im different tho im bult different insert that one fish jumping image #different as in autism #also how ryuuga seems to people who havent watched this ina decade is so fun #funny #saw someone say wtf is the white hair kid on #man i dont think anyone knows #mfb #metal fight beyblade #beyblade metal saga

[eorzeashan]

Long time no swtor thinkpiece, but.

Thinking about Eight in the IA class story and then who he is post-Alliance; going from a bold, daring and casually ambitious wildcard to someone who feels as if he's lost most of his zeal to become rather...listless. Empty. Not to say that he isn't fulfilled by his work in the Alliance (who all make exceptions to have him do anything but murder all day) but he starts picking up more mundane activities like, peeling potatoes for the Alliance cantina, or doing minor tasks that don't involve much thought on his own volition-- a stark change from a man who only cared about his blade and who it fell on. It's like he's been soundly defeated by the circumstances surrounding him.

Then there's the issue of his companions, who only knew him as their cunning leader who stopped at nothing to achieve his goals, even using some of them in the process, who now appears to be an entirely different person. One who quietly fades into the background, instead of being in the thick of it. He's changed.

His skills haven't waned, but his voice is flat, his eyes without gleam, his all consuming desire that drove him to accomplish the impossible by the day naught but simmering ashes by the time they reunite with him in KOTXX. He even apologizes to some, without explanation. This distresses Vector, in particular, who witnessed the worst of his sides way back in the day. "It's not me you should apologize to, Agent." Vector can only quietly say, "I have never held you in ill regard for the choices you've made, anathema as they were to my principles." It's a conversation that peters off, but one that Eight never had, never had soon enough --his firm refusal to rectify or acknowledge that Vector could choose him over his own ideals is one that gnaws at him on the inside for years, on his own belief that people cannot change what they truly believe in, and so there is no point in trying to make amends for what bridges he burns in the pursuit of his own wishes. This, and many other denials, compound over the years into a rather hurtful self-made solitude that follows him long into the Alliance. (A mother will never give up her son. There is no other way. I cannot change my nature as a weapon. Their rejection of me is something I must accept.) A punishment, but for who?

Perhaps he still feels he's failed the last mission Keeper entrusted to him. The one that asked him to become a real, living person, and not just a sword dressed in imperial colors.

Eight spirals during the events of the Eternal Empire. He watches his downfall happen in real time. There's little he does about it. His home is gone, as are the people he fought for--Keeper, Watcher 2, Intelligence--and this new age is only filled with allies he cuts down faster than he can imprint their names into his memory. He's alone in this fight at the behest of others who do choose their ideals over him, who, in the end, turn away in fear and disgust when he bloodies his blade in their name. He makes no effort afterwards to right his image in their minds. He plays the villain, if others will not. For the first time, he tires of killing.

This leaves him alone, an outcast even among friends. Eventually, amongst the ruin their failed Alliance leaves in its wake, someone asks why things turned out this way; his lack of a will in the greater fight comes to light and sets several alarm bells off. Lana reduces his duties on the battlefield. Others, out of shared guilt and a fear of the bloodshed he wreaked on their orders, give him a wide berth to live normally for a while. It's not much and does little to his disillusionment and estrangement with his allies, but...it's a start.

Eight the Assassin turns into just Eight. And Eight the former agent, ex-Cipher, killer extraordinaire who never once dreamed of the stars, turns into someone who quietly watches the sun set on a world he barely recognizes,l but still stays up to see it, potato peeler in hand.

#swtor #oc: orradiz #ooc #kotxx #this is just. rambling thoughts. #eight gets so damn lifeless after but he's...healing. living. what else is living but moving past your will to die #eight's weird complex about the ideals of others and people being unable to treat him as anything but a stepping stone for that #and he used to treat others like that as well #and wuh OH keeper still haunting him like a decade later #he's just. he had so much energy back in the class story and it all faded away #he's a lot wiser now but also has so much shit to work through and he has no friends. i said it #the retired and mysterious life of ex agents #HELLO? IS ANYONE OUT THERE DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THISSSS

[7roaches]

sorrry ppl who donr follow me for utmv dtuff & sorry canon-strict ppll but nm & killer r soo incredibly important to me can u imagine being the embodiment the literal proof that there is bad and pain in this world or being the loowest of the low & then you have a silly bestfriend who u loveclove love lovr love so mjch & ur so fucked up u dont know where u end & your reluctant life purpose begins but u have a silly bestrfriend who wraps your wounds and youure all he reallyneeds & hes all you really need do you get it. do you get it. do you get it.

#cool posts #delete later maybe #utmv #nightmare sans #killer sans #‘they hate eachither in canon’ I DONT CARE 🔥🔥🔥 ‘they only like being evil’ I DONT CARE 🔥🔥🔥🔥 #actually thats not true i do care that they r evil & i do think theyre evil & like being evil #theyvhate eachother sobmuch they love eachother so much they r indifferent to the other theyvwoukd kill eachother for a greater purpose #they have to see eachothers faces every day for decades mimicing some memory of the past they get to see eachothers faces every day with the #warmth accumulated over being obligated tonsokeone for so long hed saw off his arm if he was chained to him hed take a bullet for him & he h #as before and will again and agoan and again #DO YOU GET IT. DO YOU GET IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND #i have have have to draw this out words arent enough i canr explain clearly enough they r such deep in depth characters to me. #just interpret everything i say as correct #its also 1am. but i canr forget this i have to type it out even if its shittty #what daydreammjng every wakng moment for 6 years about 2 guys does to a mf #i also think this applies no mayter how u interpret their relationship #ok ok ok i’m ok im fine im normal im so normal im done

[starrysharks]

BTW, i actually have a sort of order of focus when it comes to my ocs,,, right now reassassination is the most important, and starsaints is currently being actively worked on. projects on the back-burner that are still being rotated in my mind are x-calibur, sinstring manor, unnamed guts girls band project, and magical girl ward... completely "dormant" oc projects that i probably won't return to till much later are planet☆pigtail, spectre city online, and metallic miracle. but i care all my ocs equally :]

#btw this list changes very frequently based on what im into ! #really i might start waffling about ocs at any time #but reassass and starsaints are my main focuses that are being properly written #i really want to get reassass out within the next 3 years at least #ideally i'd finish writing every chapter by the end of the year and start releasing it in mid '25 #and with starsaints - probably 2027 like i kept saying i'd want it released then #but probably later #just think “within the decade” for those two lololol #but they WILL be real one day. i swear by jt #*it....

[sp00ky-scary]

rewatching seasons 5-7 of doctor who is painful because the 11th doctor has some great moments but then they're just like RANDOM SEX JOKE, THE DOCTOR FUCKS NOW, OH LOOK HOT SEXY BADASS WOMAN NUMBER 69 every 5 seconds, like leave me alone please this is getting so weird

#somehow the 11th doctor doesn't know what sex is and also fucks and over a decade later im still confused #also i still think the #doctor married a woman who is the child of his companions one of which tried to hook up with him the night before her wedding #but was also her own parents childhood friend #thing was weird and the dynamic becomes increasingly uncomfortable #also clara and 11 have like no chemistry she is so much better with 12 #like in every aspect i just mean chemistry generally not like specifically romantically #oh also to add to the weird dynamic the doctor and amy first met when she was a child so in a very short amount of time they go from #oh look the doctor is being nice to a child #to #oh fuck the child is an adult and wants to fuck him now what the fuck #doctor who #eleventh doctor

[wonder-worker]

Within this broader condemnation of [Alice Perrers'] behaviour, a number of specific themes can be identified. These include sexual immorality, political influence, and [...] numerous and repeated references to greed and avarice. This is particularly striking in two literary representations which may have been inspired by Alice: Chaucer’s Wife of Bath and, most compelling, William Langland’s Lady Meed in his allegorical poem Piers Plowman, a character whose name has become a byword for venality. Meed, like Alice, established her presence at the royal court and acted as a counsellor to the king, but was eventually banished on accusations of being a whore and undermining the workings of law and justice. In particular, in introducing Meed to his audience, Langland describes her hands as covered with rings of the “purest perreize,” a word meaning precious stones or jewels, which would seem to be a play on Alice’s surname, Perrers, and thus directly identifying her with Meed. Chaucer also notably named the wife in the Wife of Bath Alisoun, raising the possibility that she was in part based on his direct contemporary Alice Perrers. The Wife had a husband named Jankyn, similar to the name of Alice’s first husband, Janyn, and was a businesswoman with a mercantile and urban background, echoing Alice’s own early life in London. The Wife was notoriously prolific in her lustful desires, but invariably they had a financial motivation, fusing, in the words of Paul Strohm, “the categories of economic and sexual assertiveness into a single epitome of contemporary male dread.”

-Laura Tompkins, '"Edward III's Gold-Digging Mistress": Alice Perrers, Gender, and Financial Power at the English Royal Court, 1360-1377", "Women and Economic Power in Premodern Courts" (edited by Cathleen Sarti)

#historicwomendaily #alice perrers #english history #edward iii #my post #geoffrey chaucer #to be clear 'being inspired by' doesn't mean 'being a direct analogue of' #so we obviously shouldn't (and Tompkins doesn't) look at it through that angle #also just to clarify - Langland's 'Lady Meed' is a little more complicated. #as per our current understanding of the chronology of his writing: #his 'A text' of Piers Plowman was most likely written in the late 1460s - almost a decade before the parliamentary proceedings against Alic #and thus cannot have been based purely on her but on a wider 'discourse of defamation focused on “problem” women' as Ormrod puts it #HOWEVER we know that Langland redrafted and massively edited the B and C texts from the book much later #and as Matthew Giancarlo and Gwilym Dodd have pointed out there are clear indications he was specifically influenced by Alice's #encounters with Parliament in the 1470s when it came to these texts #also forever loling at Chaucer naming The Wife 'Alisoun' and giving her a husband named Jankyn lmfao #that's hilariously on the nose #but also if they truly were inspired by Alice that's such an epic slay on her part #icon

[happyk44]

Vampire Nico, werewolf Jason and selkie Percy.

#happy talks pjo #maybe i'll make this into a bigger thing w/ everybody else later #but i was thinking if nico is a vampire and jason is a werewolf what would percy be? a mermaid? but i didn't like #bc mermaid is too obvious (like jason being a werewolf isn't lmao) then selkie came to mind! and i like it #one of my favourite movies growing up was this irish film called roan inish (that might just be the shorthand i used). it was about a selki #oh just looked it up full name is: the secret of roan inish #cool i got it right considering i haven't watch it in over a decade but it was one of my fave movies #also made me speak in an irish accent in my head for hours after watch lmao #nico di angelo #percy jackson #jason grace

[mermaidsirennikita]

they’re making a Spartacus sequel and it’s a what if Ashur (who, let us be reminded, was killed in an incredibly cathartic way by Naevia, a woman he raped and helped indirectly push into sex slavery ) lived AU

#spartacus #im so disappointed tbh #and like the original show had some amazing villains who were scum of the earth but like #COULD run a show #gods of the arena was about two of the most heinous people i’ve seen on tv #it was great #and i will add i think it being a prequel was key #it was about their evolution into wholehearted evil #and the framing as a ‘batiatus reliving his life before he dies’ was so good #returning to ASHUR in a sequel series like a decade later….. clownery

[brittlebutch]

finally found a place to read With the Light online and i'm thrilled; if you haven't read this manga i do Legitimately recommend it

#N posts stuff #like don't get it wrong it Is Not a series about being autistic it Is a series about raising an autistic kid #but also don't be put off by that because it's legitimately a series that I feel Loves autistic people with its whole being #it's kind of a teaching manga so it showcases a lot of different opinions/characters/conflicts/etc. but the Framing is very consistent #in that the manga is Extremely of the opinion that autistic people are People who deserve to be Valued and Accepted As They Are #the onus for change is never put on autistic individuals the framing is basically Universal in the 'the World needs to change #to be more accepting' -- it's a very Social Model depiction of autism that ALSO never veers too far into the #'autism isn't even Really a disability' fallacy; it's very much a 'A lot of autistic people will need constant support in a variety of ways #throughout their lives but that isn't the roadblock preventing them from having their own lives; ableism in society is the roadblock' #the first two chapters are the hardest to get through bc they take place before Sachiko has any real understanding of autism and #so she's isolated and stressed out and the ignorance makes it difficult for her to care for Hikaru properly (there's also a lot of #other characters Blaming her for what's going on which goes unchallenged at this point though that changes later); but after she #understands what autism is she's Firmly in Hikaru's corner for the rest of the series - you can skip right to ch 3 without a problem #if you're not interested in reading about that initial conflict #there's still a Lot of conflict ofc but by then the chapters have some of my favorite moments so i don't want to advocate skipping #them; like Hikaru's daycare teacher explaining how Hikaru's difficulty speaking is the same as other kids' troubles with #things like jump-roping/etc.; and then a mother who has An Issue with Hikaru's presence in her daughter's class realizing the #depth of the problematic opinion bc Her mother (who had a stroke) faces similar ableism from her peers #i'm cutting this post off b4 the tags get Too long but if you're curious but still hesitant man. send me an ask and i will Happily #write an insanely long essay about how much i love this series; i have all the books i'm not excited about the online availability #for Me i'm excited bc i've been wanting to rec this manga for like almost a full decade and i can finally give you a link instead of #saying 'well. you can find used copies sometimes' lol