#seriously i am doing great now

[bookish-bogwitch]

Hi.

I haven’t really used this blog much for personal, non-fandom stuff, but thought I’d share an update. CW: mental health and depression.

This past winter I hit the rock bottom what was, in hindsight, a major depressive episode that I’d been experiencing for years. I had no energy, no ability to connect wanting to do something with actually doing it. I was crying all the time and hating myself.

I had a job that I’d once loved—public defense—but that after twelve years had taken its toll. The traumas had started outweighing the triumphs. Between that, and becoming a caretaker for a disabled family member, and random brain chemistry, I’d been on a mostly downward spiral since before the pandemic started.

If I came across as upbeat, it’s because fandom was the one place I could still tap into playfulness and joy. I’d crack myself up online while walking around with a flat affect. There’s nothing wrong with using a hobby to cheer yourself up, but it was such a sharp contrast.

And then there was the doomscrolling. It’s just bad for my brain. The pornbot boondoggle drove this home because I was spending hours a day on here and feeling proportionately crazed. (Note to past self: yes you’re very clever, here’s a pat on the head, but two days of pornbots would’ve been just as funny as twelve.) By the time it ended I was falling apart. Something had to give. I changed my Tumblr password to a random key smash and logged out.

But fandom isn’t bad for mental health just because social media is. I am doing so, so, so much better now, and I credit a lot of it to this fandom. Quitting public defense was scary because my whole identity was bound up in being a public defender--but now I know I’m also a writer. My closest friends had previously been my work friends, and I didn’t know if those relationships would survive if I left--but I knew my fandom friendships would.

Fandom also helped more directly too, by connecting me with friends who all but literally held my hand while I cried and looked for a therapist. Who shared their experiences of depression and recovery and antidepressants. Who cheered on my job hunt, which I couldn’t share with IRL friends until I was ready to give notice. You guys know who you are and I love you.

(Also, shoutout the CO trilogy itself and especially AWTWB for convincing me that it's okay to feel overwhelmed. It would be too much for anyone.)

Between quitting my old job and starting an antidepressant, it’s felt like flipping a switch. I have energy that I thought I'd just lost as part of the aging process. The new job is occasionally interesting, never dramatic, and completely harmless. It feels vaguely useful but never essential. It feels getting forklift certified after being at war. I love it.

Anyhoo. I’ve been putting off coming back on Tumblr. Even though I’ve had countless genuine, loving interactions on here, I really don’t know if I can have a healthy relationship with the hellsite. I’m writing again and want to share my stuff and cheer you on, but moderation is not my strength. Maybe I’ll try some WIP tagging to see if that feels possible to do occasionally and not obsessively.

Social media is the worst, but you are the best. I’m bbbogwitch on discord—reach out any time. Especially if you’re struggling with depression or helping-profession burnout or caretaker blues. You’re not alone.

#personal #non-fandom #update #mental health #depression #burnout #public defense #seriously i am doing great now #love you guys

[art-emis99]

oh it was so cool to see that jaiden started streaming again yesterday! i couldn't watch it but im super excited to do so today and I hope qjaiden returns soon and haha what do you mean qjaiden is dead

#i support jaiden in doing what she thinks is best for her always and if that isnt qsmp that is great for her!!! #but god. literally sobbinf. qjaiden i will miss you so fucking much #qjaiden lore i will miss you #parrotduo i will miss you #suntrio i will miss you #bubbleduo i will miss you #goldfinchduo i will miss you #shes with bobby now... #seriously this woman has been my fav since the very bwginning. i am so fucking sas #qsmp #jaiden animations #qsmp jaiden #text-emis99

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

to that anon I got about my last posts: if you're hurt that I'm talking about antisemitism on tumblr rather than the Israel/Palestine conflict itself then you're going to have to make your peace with a star wars blog not being an effective platform for activism.

This is the point I've been trying to hammer home perfectly illustrated. I deviated ever so slightly from what's allowed on the subject to say that I can't participate in this website's idea of 'raising awareness' (distributing real facts and misinfo alike without a care and being a bunch of fanatic Jew haters in the process) and that I don't think I'm able to critically and accurately examine every piece of news that gets passed around here, and you're taking this to assume I don't care. So no, I'm not going to spend my time trying to prove that I do care to that particular crowd.

You're upset with me for not treating this like I did fandom and assuming I value fictional characters more than real people because of it, but it's precisely because this is infinitely more important that I'm not going to be doing real people the disrespect of giving my two cents on their suffering and deaths on the same platform I did STAR WARS.

#You don't know how I feel about the conflict and you can't claim to know #Because I made a point of not getting into it #I have tons of things I'd say and that I'm not saying #precisely because a bunch of sheltered western young adults (which I am) thinking they HAVE to speak out #about things they're primarily exposed to on social media #is how we ended up where we're at on this website #and by the way 'antisemitism is wrong' stands on its own and i don't need to say more no matter the context #and I won't be lectured about how I need to care about innocent people suffering and dying by a website full of raging antisemites #you were never upset about me shutting up on the war for months until I mentioned antisemitism and suddenly my not speaking out is wrong #why do you only care about my silence now and not before? #and why do you take me so seriously that my stepping away is matter of great disappointment to you?

[gio-cosmo]

The p3r dlc really has me walking around Tartarus with the Junes theme playing in the background. What a time to be alive.

#“Gio did you seriously spend 200 dollars on the aigis deluxe addition and then pay 35 dollars for a dlc are you fr??’’ #“Gio they are practically stealing ur money away from you at this point what on earth are you doing’’ #IDK 😭😭😭 #nahhh I’m actually kind of broke now I’m getting worried abt my money supply ☺️ especially considering I’m still jobless ☺️ #I might be getting a job at a dishwasher soon tho 😯 #urgh I can’t believe people actually have to work….society…. #tbh I’ll probably end up backing out last second as always bc I don’t want to wash dishes :( #why would I wash dishes when I could be writing or drawing :( #urgh #agghhhh #persona #persona 3 #persona 3 reload #p3 #If I actually do end up getting the job (doubt) I genuinely bet I’ll last a week before either quitting or getting fired #like fr 😭 I’m cooked #I have the worst work ethic ever it’s actually crazy #HELPPP WHY AM I RAMBLING ABT MY JOB TROUBLES UNDER A PERSONA POSTTTT #LMAOO #I lovveeee oversharing on the internet 💕🫶 🎉 #anyways every days great at your Junes and whatnot #wish I could work at Junes smh #the junes theme song would make it bearable #BEARable haha get it haha bc teddie is a bear and teddies the mascot haha #persona 4 #p4 #persona 4 golden

[mynephewmarriedajaguar]

to the one amangela fic writer who hasn’t posted anything new in a bit (you should know exactly who you are), i just want you to know that there IS in fact a rabid animal clawing its way through my chest every time i check ao3 and don’t see your name over a new work. just keep that in mind <3

#baby come home the kids miss you #tbf i just need more amangela fics in general #now that i think about it ​let’s also get some more tommy/spencer fics #all fic writers i hope you know that i see everything and am consuming mass amounts of your writing constantly #there is supply and demand #it’s me! i’m the demand #seriously going a little stir crazy tho #i cant help it #y’all are just great at writing #and i appreciate you endlessly #waiting to see what y’all do with the new music vid as inspo #because my god #whoever did wardrobe for amanda knew exactly what to do #anyways have a good day my loves #mwah <3 #amangela #smosh

[prototypelq]

I HAVE HALFWAY WROTE A DEFEAT LETTER BUT I HAVE MANAGED TO FINALLY BEAT M19 SOS VERGIL Y E S FINALLY I WILL FREAKIN CRY TEARS OF JOY HERE

#I DID IT I DID IT I DID JT #i ran around like a freakin headless chicken in the end and IT PAYED OFF #oh freakin hell #ahaha now only to repeat this with nero who i haven't touched in about a year now ahahahaha #...st least he has better options for dealing with the clone #game even awarded me with s though there was nowhere near s gameplay to be found #i am a bit overwhelmed now #i am now fully realising Exactly How Far Away from a 'hardcore' gamer i am #can you believe i started the year thinking 'if i go slow and casual at it i think i could take on harder dmc5 difficulties' #i feel ready to go back in time and theottle that idiot #this was...not fun but it also kind of was only because dmc5 gameplay is so good and dante is amazing to play as #and vergil is a great opponent he makes you take the situation seriously but you also learn to start goofing off its great #however i am NOT built for this i am so freakin not built for this boss grind i came through only because i like dmc so much #and i felt like if i could spend even a fraction of my fandom time in the actual game i could be much better at it #there is a number of games I overplayed to the point of starting to hate them and where the frustration overwrote the initial joy i felt #i felt like ive given myself enough time because i started to feel that frustration about dmc5 and i decidedly do NOT want that game #to end up like those i love it and want to enjoy it further so i was ready to concede defeat today #turns out i just had to be a better chicken thats good as nero is next and he is an arguably better for chicken tactic #maybe ill finish this sos run after all i would be glad if i could manage that #also im this close to 3 million and i want the dance taunt at least for dante))) #phew what an evening #mutuals my beloved thank you for constantly cheering me and reading this i can't find the words to express how much i cherish your support #and thank you tumblr for allowing me an entire book in the tags section hellsite my beloved

[sweetronancer]

im really debating if i should put transfem!nancy in this fic because she just means so much to me and the headcanon is just so like real to me and i wanna have a soft interaction between nancy and robin where its just like reassurance or something towards the end i guess?i just want a sweet moment between them- maybe before they get together? i mean i have no idea where im going with this fic or really what i wanna do with it but ill figure something out?? i already have the like first few bits of chapter one done but i dont know what else i wanna add, theres like so many things i subconsciously put into my writing sometimes and like! theres just way too much. i feel kind of hopeless because like- i dont know??

anyway transfem!nancy wheeler i love you

#percy pauses and yaps for a little #i love writing sooo much/gen #and also some feedback about this would be great.. (politely staring down one mutual i interact with a lot) #but seriously please idk what to do #transfem nancy wheeler #ronance #nancy wheeler #robin buckley #fanfiction #no one/nothing can stop my yapping no matter how occupied i am right now with my two ao3 tabs open

[mxbitters]

my cramps are very bad and i am hungry and kind of want 2 cry but at least i can make them be in love <3

#ive been having the ABSOLUTE best of luck at thrift stores this week :) #i almost got another barbie yesterday #she had a sleeping beauty dress better than the one i have and also a crown idk if it was the og doll though #i think sleeping beauty barbie has a closing eyes gimmick or something #i definitely am very fond of the 80s-early 90s girls i never had them as a kid but like #i like juuuust how much they lean into the blue with the eyes. pupils lashes all of it #and the hair!!!!!! the material isnt great but like ive been boil washing and conditioning and brushing thoroughly #i dont know if we have a hair straightener but if we do i really wanna see if i can learn to crimp #bc like i have totally hair barbie now!!! among others with nice long hair!! #im iffy on hollywood hair here though like.. yeah itd take fuckin chemistry to recreate the spray thing that turns the hair pink but like #i seriously dont wanna fuck up that gimmick it’s such a cute idea #idk what the one in the pink dress is from though which is annoying bc like #idk i like knowing what i have yknow?

[branmer]

im still taking a break but i feel like i owe everyone an apology for being such a pathetic baby! i rlly don't want anyone to feel obligated to interact with my silly minbo posts, im just letting the loneliness and anxiety get to me and a weird yearning for a heyday of fandom that never existed and i do very very much appreciate you all <3 (also like, i must be the change i want to see. if i want more interactions maybe i should... instigate them lol)

#anyway im still taking a few days because this week has not been great and ive been a crying anxious mess for much of it #which is my own problem not anyone elses! #ive also decided on my return im going to stop talking about my personal life so much because as much as it has been helpful #i do feel that it is now causing more harm than good #and i don't want to force people to listen to my problems #so yeah #sorry everyone #i feel somewhat absurd even making this post like im giving some state of the union like god i need to take myself less seriously #anyway have fun while i am gone again sorry for being so wretched lately #i will log off again now #i just had to come back and say this because i love you all very much and you should all know that <3

[disdaidal]

So I think I'm finally getting a contract and I'm going to start my new studies (as a youth/school counselor) in my old school. I met the principal today and had a talk with him, and he said he was pleased to see me there and would like to have me there because I already know my way around and seemed to manage things just fine when I was still their student. So, that's great, I'm finally getting somewhere.

But I'll have to wait until Friday because he's still not quite sure who's going to be my supervisor, so he's going to have a talk with a couple of staff members about it at first.

And then my teacher in my new school is already pressing me with contract matters and stuff, wanting me to start earlier than I had originally planned or at least get the contract done by then, so uhh. I'm going to have a Teams meeting with her on Friday at 8 o'clock in the morning (I'm not a morning person at all), and I'm sure we're going to have such a lovely discussion about my schedule and study plans and all that stuff.

All this phone-calling and paperwork is giving me a headache. And I still have some school assignments to do and to return before next week, and guess what - ya girl just wants to read and write fanfiction all day and all night. 🤪 Priorities, I has them.

#personal #no seriously i went to bed around 4am because i was writing a fic. and then i got up at 8:30 after snoozing the clock for an hour #because i had the appointment with the principal around 10am so #but anyway despite my poor sleeping schedule i am actually happy about this opportunity #i should be able to work in the evenings if they can just find me a supervisor. which would be super because then i'm not going to have to #wake up early. unless i get a side job because i need money and this is only training so i don't get paid for it. but remains to be seen #i am not feeling awfully energized for school/work combination right now so uhh #but then i'd also get to work as a special needs assistant because this school has a lot of special needs students #so that sounds pretty good actually. it was something i was also thinking about doing before #because i was kind of a special needs student myself when i was younger and i didn't get the help i needed so #helping others with that could be great. a great opportunity indeed #and i may have to help with this other type of class as well #i think they're calling it preparatory education for vocational training in english. i'm not 100% sure what it even means #but well if i get a chance then perhaps i'll find outl #so all in it sounds like they have need for me and i get to do a lot of different stuff so. it should be good #it's. just this. studying itself. and like i said. all this paperwork and making phone calls and stuff. it's stressing me out #so uh #let's just hope that friday makes me a little bit wiser

[elytrafemme]

guys i laurv college like actually. went out w a group of ppl and went to CVS and a mediocre pep rally. had a really sweet exchange w a bus driver. roommates are going out in a large group to have some of that sweet liquid sillies allegedly. i am alone in my dorm despite thinking i'd be the last one awake i am literally the only one here. and i'm happy i think :D

#nightmare.personal #we have to be up at like 7:30 am though so God bless my poor roommates #it's just two of them out person no 3 is unaccounted for #hypothetically i couldve stayed up but the group i was hanging out w are all roommates #so it was just me sititng in their dorm while they were showering and i was like. i think maybe i should go back to my home domain #but college is seriously kind of great bc like. you can just Do Shit. no parental convos about the logistics of hanging out #if i want to knock on a friends door to see their taxidermied rat and then go out w them at 10 pm #i am well within my God given right to do that!!!!!! #also idk when the RAs come bc this is meant to be quiet hours but people are blasting frank ocean which #it's frank ocean so you cannot be complaining about that but still #ALSO I SAW THIS GUY I'D BEEN TEXTING AT A STORE AND THEN I SAW HIM LATER AT THE RALLY #AND THIR=TY SECONDS BEFORE THE RALLY ENDED I TEXTED HIM SAYING I SAW HIM #AND HE MADE DIRECT EYE CONTACT WITH ME RIGHT WHEN EVERYONE STARTED LEAVING #IT WAS SO FUNNY. i am seeing him in SO many places and we haven't even hung out yet #also hope the guy that i recced måneskin liked it i didn't do one of their best songs but hopefully thats cool #i just did baby said bc i was gonna do read your diary but thought it'd be too much in hindsight i'd DEFFO do kool kids #IN ANY CASEEEE. idk what to do now just text my gf i guess

[13eyond13]

.

#here's some of the classics on that list i have beef with btw: #i have tried to read A Confederacy of Dunces several times and it's funny but it's also so cringe and Ignatius is so obnoxious #that i find it too difficult to finish like i just feel depressed and bad for everybody around him too much #i tried reading Infinite Jest like a decade ago and i got like 200 pages in and i remember thinking it felt like #such a slog the entire time because he's just so gd wordy and also i stopped liking DFW after i heard the abuse allegations against him #frankenstein i didnt read that long ago but i just remember finding it so boring for some reason?? i feel i might need to read it again #dracula ngl i feel like im cheating a bit saying ive completely read it because i loved the beginning and then HATED so much of the rest #the characters were just so boring and melodramatic hahaha i just liked the part where jonathan was doing a travel diary #and trapped in the castle tbh and after that i skimmed quite a bit #i almost flipped my shit when i saw ender's game on there because I ALWAYS mix it up with ready player one by ernest cline #which i bought the audiobook of a while back and hated every minute of it i dont think its good at all #but it wasnt that so phew my faith in this list is somewhat restored #i read most of the first game of thrones book and was disappointed tbh maybe because id seen the show already #so i was like 'this feels almost exactly the same except worse?' because i'd been expecting it to give me more depth and insight #into the characters but instead it felt exactly the same and i still didnt love any of the characters enough to feel attached to them #also i am fully aware me not personally liking or vibing with a book doesnt mean it doesnt deserve to be considered great btw #but i think if youre gonna be like me and force yourself to go through a bunch of lists like this very seriously then you also need to just #let yourself be like 'yeah not for me' without feeling too bad about it sometimes too #often times i dont particularly love the classics or 'important books' but at the same time #i still feel like im getting more out of reading them than just grabbing the newest hyped up books that also dont do anything for me #maybe not in a 'wow i loved reading this' way but in like a #'i now have first-hand knowledge of this thing that is so influential / so frequently referenced' #or 'this challenged me and i feel like i did a mental/emotional workout or gave me some new food for thought' #or 'made me more aware of what gaps in my knowledge and reading skills and what my tastes are too' #sort of way... #it really just depends on what you're reading for and why and what you're hoping to get out of it a lot of the time maybe #it's like the homework i give myself to go through these lists that i also intersperse with the stuff i read more just for fun #p

[dewitty1]

Saturday Six (Stuff)

Cats woke me up too dang early. It was mostly Reggie, of course, so I chucked him out (don't @ me about it - he's and indoor/outdoor Boi) because that's what he wanted anyway. I didn't realize it was that cold until later, when I actually got up, thanks to Leeloo. So, I went out and called Reggie several times, with no luck. He decided to wait to come back after three + hours of being outside (not too unusual, but random enough) and I give him the Molly Weasley "Where *HAVE* you been?!" he just looks at me and gives a "maow" like "Whassup mom? Wassall the hubbub?" Crazy damn cat. Gotta love em. (^・ω・^ )

I'm really getting upset about the business situation. Idk what to do. It's bad, bad. And I've looked at jobs. Nothing much but nursing really. Ugh.(;*´Д`)ﾉ

I find it funny that I identify as aromantic, but I love reading romance novels (not as much as I used to, but I have some old faves), Drarry fic of course, and I love RomComs, and shows like Love is Blind and Indian Matchmaking lolololololol. I guess I just don't feel it for myself. Idk, it's weird, to me anyway.（*´▽｀*）

I really hate asking people for help. It really feels like failing to me. I guess I have my parents to thank for that one. But I've been asking people to share my business posts. Mostly on Fb because that's where the old people with money are. I don't love it, but this is the world we live in.(o;TωT)o

As if things weren't bad enough, I also got a jury duty summons in the mail for my birth month. But at least it wasn't for my actual birthday.

Anyway, I'm just trying breathe. And I keep hoping that something will come through. I'm still swimming, even though life is trying to drown me. p(*＾-＾*)q

BONUS - Mom tested positive for covid! So life keeps giving! (•̀o•́)ง

#Saturday Six #About me #Personal #February 17 2024 #Please do not rebloggle #Carey rambles about life and stuff and things and being really effing depressed rn #Like ya I don't want to HAVE to work but I need to because of the shit crapitalist system we live in rn #And it sucks but I'd rather work for myself than any other place #I honestly think I will wither and die if I have to work for a corporation #Like I might be OK if it's another small place like the ski hill I worked at but I can't go back to fast food or some random cashier job tb #Like I seriously think the depression would kill me #And I'm not even joking #My parents don't get it but I might have to tell them... #Ughhhh I really am over fighting them #I wish they would just be cool and supportive but they're silent/boomer Gen and don't know how #Anyway I'm done rambling for now lol #Thank you so much for for reading my nonsensical rambles whenever I post them #I appreciate y'all so much #I hope you have a great day or night wherever you are #Hugsss from mom or just a friend whatever you need right now because I know I need hugsss too٩(๑•◡-๑)۶ⒽⓤⒼ❤💜💙💚💛❤️💗💕💖 #Now back to your regularly scheduled scrolling #Whooowhoooo now I might have covid again!!!! Happy happy joy joy

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted #and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i #think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god. #and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind #and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind #splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt #and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d #some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard #as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not #and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and #more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this #and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make #things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill #laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop #with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out #itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄 #unrelated

[revvethasmythh]

I love how fucking goofy Astarion's seduction techniques are. We're camping indoors, he calls me over, and dude hastily lies down in his "draw me like one of your french girls" pose when he hits homeboy with this one:

Truly, a master seducer at work

also, just, this reply had me rolling:

#between the seriousness of act iii taking place in my main save i am enjoying myself doing a himbo run right now #i think i created a githyanki jason mendoza and tbh it's a fantastic time #head empty. nothing behind those beautiful gith eyes. will trust anyone. only says the nicest things. does so much stupid shit #occasionally drops a bomb of wisdom though because i always choose the monk specific options when they pop up #it's a great vibe #rosie plays video games poorly