#seriously I am unwell with how nice you are to me

[jamietarttsnorthernattitude]

I'm thinking thinky thoughts about your fics and how you have a wonderful sense of setting weight.

'Setting weight' being a term I made up for how much weight an author puts on the setting of a scene.

To use examples, Tolkien puts a massive amount of time and energy into his settings. On the other end of the spectrum (and I have thrown a dart at the wall here) I'd put Chuck Palahniuk. Oh, he has settings - office buildings, fight clubs, self help groups - but there's little physicality to those settings. They exist to paint a theme.

But in both cases, the author rarely connects the character to their setting. To its history or its meaning, yes, but not to the sensation of the character within the space.

So as I sat there, beginning to reread Not to Me, Not If It's You, I was struck by how lovely your sense of setting weight is. I think back to this opening image a lot. To Jamie, sitting alone on a bed in a hospital in Qatar, watching the World Cup on this small TV. The space Jamie inhabits here is very clear. You cannot dissect him from this setting and have the same meaning ring through

Take Apologies From My Tongue, And Never Yours. Colin and Jamie on the bus. What's so special about that, you may ask? They're on a bus. Characters be on the team bus all the time. Well, yes, but do they often feel like they're on a bus? It's small, but sometimes the setting really is just a passing mention of where a thing happens to take place.

Rage, Rage, Against the Dying of the Light takes place in a hospital, but more importantly (to me) it feels like a hospital. It feels like, even if the author isn't focused on writing about the setting, they're not forgetting that the setting exists. The room stays in the room with us. It's not an after thought.

The cab ride snippet you posted for the fic you're writing on, that also had an excellent sense of just... space. The space the characters inhabit. It's a sort of visual I can feel through the words. It feels real without overwhelming to a Tolkien-esque degree.

I don't feel like I've explained this right, but especially with your last few fics, it's something I've begun to really notice. Just. Setting weight. Good stuff. I know this is more technical appreciation than anything else, but I thought I'd share how much I enjoy this aspect of your writing <3

Thank you for these generous words and fuck you for making me FEEL ALL THE THINGS. (anyone outside of the TL fandom going to read that like damn girl, relax).

I’ve been thinking about this a normal amount (that's a lie I will cherish this until my dying day I want it used as my euology) but I still can't form words enough to do it justice, it's all shrimp emotions.

But seriously, thank you (which does not feel like enough) for your amazingly nice words and taking the time to send them and looking at my works. It's really an honour to have you read them and that they had any impact that you would remember them is absolutely flooring me.

And it's especially an honor because you are one of the authors I try to emulate with this particularly. There are so many amazing authors in this fandom that I learn from everyday and I while I look at your work with admiration for many, many aspects, I especially have tried to learn from your stories and their setting weight (wonderful term btw!).

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me, it's especially helpful when I'm struggling through the normal writer horrors. The imposter syndrome is real and especially because there are so many amazing writers here I often struggle comparing myself. The doubting voice in the back of my mind has been especially loud lately. I think there is no other land is the fic I have had the most interest about on here which is amazing and exciting but also fucking terrifying.

The mortifying ordeal of being known, am I right?

All of this rambling to say THANK YOU, for these wonderful, kind, thoughtful words but also THANK YOU for being you and inspiring me, for talking me through whatever story help I need, for giving me story ideas, for being the extremely supportive person you are, for your kudos, comments and bookmarks, for sharing my work or snippets, for sharing cat photos, for absolutely FEEDING me with your works and snippets (where I can be found laughing and/or crying on a regular basis), for sharing your thought provoking analysis.

But most importantly, thank you for your friendship. I am beyond blessed to have the wonderful people in this fandom but especially you. I do not miss all the support you spread through tumblr and ao3 and I have no doubt everywhere you go. You are a joy and I smile everytime I see your name (and esp after I realized you and @jamiesfootball were one in the wonderful same lmao).

Now stop being so nice to me ;)

#wahhhhhhhhhh #seriously I am unwell with how nice you are to me #whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy #If I can't deflect with thanks I got it on sale or thanks it has pockets I don't know what to do #all this to say thank you #but thank you will never be enough #I have already read this a reasonable amount of times* #*that is a lie #aahhh thank you #love you #you are too nice to me #shrimp emotions #readwing #<33333

[tiziri-art]

I've been talking in instagram story a lot and 😭

I realized i'm as chaotic as I make my self-insert actually. They are supposed to be exaggerated. I'm as bad as them.

#nah. give me around 4 hours first. i want to do something else before #THE NUMBER OF TIME THAT I AM IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION OR UNWELL AND I JUST GO 'chill' OR *putting it to check later (when it's obviously a #now issue) #or even people suddenly dming me very suspicious question and me acting seriously about it (instead of either taking it as a joke or being #worried about it) #similar situation also happened irl #note : chill doesn't mean not taking care of it. #but it can mean being too uncaring about the situation while still treating it. it can mean not realizing like any normal being it should #be an immediate issue rather than a #and even for my social interaction i'm a bit chaotic. but it's covered by the fact that i'm polite and respectuous and considered nice #(so the result you may get is people saying that i'm weird but they don't mind it's kinda fun) #this can go between 'i have asked them to sign their soul away (precising it's absolutely fully ok it they don't want and that i mean it)' #to 'idrk social norms and so may talk a bit weirdly. maybe too casual for how i should actually have for exemple. often a mix of talking #like to a friend while having a sort of formal speech' #and also as you can guess i'm not really inside the social expectations which i don't know what they are and am fully counting on people #being nice and tell me when it's an issue even in the slightest way

[mako-neexu]

all guda related stuff in mahoyo collab

summoning as a highly complicated magecraft -> highly intact sense of self, magical energy, magical crest, sheer willpower........you who is light and equally dark....

casual comments/banter to the people they trust

guda getting shocked of all things at a talking bird www

gudako -> young girl that likes to jog every morning

gudao -> brat that likes small time candy store sweets

UGH the further emphasis on Servants being familiars that no one - not anyone should just use (exceptional...)

stressing the role of a 'Master'

'I also make mistakes a lot'

"I still don't see what's so special about summoning."

guda screams during summons? lmao kind of reminds me of mash with lord camelot

the way guda just refers to other people as 'that another human' www (i know 'person' is more accurate but to me it sounds like an alien in disguise calling someone as 'fellow human' ww)

Of COURSE guda knows how to stop their own pulse

disbelief. perhaps gut feeling. guda's perception of death to others. (i guess in the face of unnatural they would doubt it. but considering Id chapter, it would depend on the person and how theyre closest to?)

'more like tobimaru' 'more like soujyuurou' getting angry on behalf of someone without letting it show as well... i Understand.

THE TOPIC OF AGING KILLS ME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE HESITANT????? dont yokuwakaranaina ME????

Don't face world-ending disasters alone

IM CRYING OH MY GOD IM NOT WELL "did you sleep well?" "i slept peacefully because the night was quiet and nice" AUGH GUDAAAAA😭

probably nothing of note but additional descriptor to guda is that they look like a college student as compared to previous descriptions of being 'high school student'.......

not being good at horror stories 🥹 reminds me of summer 5...

(unwell) i forget about guda's tactical prowess sometimes (lies) + guda's mention of the looking glass reminds me of berkercas valentines...

Subtle but gudao's reaction to beating down kashin is 'exhausted or relieved' meanwhile for dako she has the 'doubt' in her dialogue

subtle again but theres a hesitance to guda when asked about what the future looked like. but their second option is saying "eh there arent any flying cars anyways"

ahh okay now i know the crypto stuff guda said. its from gudao. is this MHX's influence lmao. gudao youre advertising crypto seriously? ww

guda casually joking about the times they astral project out of their body likes its nothing and mash is not normal either of course and treats it as regular occurrences. well, its regular but for a normal average person in the 21st century, it certainly isnt ww

GUDA ONCE AGAIN PROVING that despite being 'camera' for us players, they actively hide information and i am not over that fact. (knowing who the culprit is before most of the rest-)

guda not hesitating at ALL to rayshift back to 1999 where the end of the world was supposed to happen www

Ah!! To encourage kinomi in confessing, guda confessed their own out in the open!!!

A bakery with the one they love / A wish to reach the South Pole

You may not be able to have all of your dreams, your nights be peaceful, but I hope that you will still be rewarded at the end of your journey 😭

#nasu stop giving me guda crumbs in events and stick it in main chapters only im BEGGING #fate grand order #fgo #fujimaru ritsuka #guda #gudako #gudao

[sgiandubh]

Fuck this shitshow...This is it.

Dear This Is It Anon,

You mean this, right?

Lest they would think as they all collectively do, with the shared single braincell they use across the street, we are hiding shite under the carpet. Not my method, Anon, off - and online.

So, ok. He was there. We were on perhaps the worst case scenario, probability-wise, on that one: 50/50, which is sort of mildly excruciating, right?

I can only encourage you to watch that clip, Anon. There are always nuances in the worst of bullshit situations. Yes, she is smiling. Briefly to T (this page founds a lie beyond ridiculous) and then to the winner:

Yes, she looks relaxed enough. But never forget she is an actress, after all, at a professional event. What did you expect her to do, sulk? I know, it happened before, when she was perhaps way less thrilled, but people change and they learn from their mistakes. Narrative wise, her being awkward around McElusive was a PR mistake that had to be corrected/properly retconned. This seems to be the case, now, with a more natural attitude.

But you can fumble around and manipulate only that much of a given situation. The giveaway, to me, in this is TMcG (the hour is solemn, no jokes around, please) - still the same unkempt, DGAF, 70s called outfit, plus looking really, really strange. Unlike many on our side, I shall not elaborate - there is no need to. Yet it is plain to see something is unwell, especially when compared to the cortisone prosperity of the last sighting. Don't get me wrong: I have no ill wish towards this person. I just can't help but notice something is amiss, in all this forced, calculated, propagandistic Joy.

I am also fully aware there are many mean eyes watching me from the shadows across the street, Anon. I mean, seriously, BIF?

Of course, that is your page and you can write what the hell you want. Choosing to quote me was a rather successful ambush. Remember, however (really LOL, always LOL): wars are not won with just tactics. Ok, you have a questionable edge on this one - a wasted battle.

Wars are won with good strategy and a synoptic, not fragmented vision (making a huge affair out of each and every single detail), of the state of play. You may be a decent tactician, perhaps, but you are a lousy strategist.

Oh, and to think you are planning a get together at the Paris Landcon, too, eh? How nice and how copy/paste of you, folks. I wonder what you expect, a fucking remake of West Side Story?

I could say good afternoon and even shake your hand anytime, BIF. But I bet you wouldn't. You're a tiny, hateful person with an overinflated ego, like that.

Sorry, Anon, for the rant. I tried to be as objective as I could, under biased circumstance and harsh scrutiny. I just hope this brought more clarity.

#anon #fandom #shitshow

[theflyindutchwoman]

I have 3 things to talk about…

1. How nice it was to see Tim talk to the guys about his fight with Lucy. I’m literally shocked that he was so open with them! I love that he’s growing, opening up and confiding people that aren’t just Lucy and Angela (And Genny to an extent) he was so many friends now!

2. I am unable to move past how married™️ and sweet and domestic it is that Lucy calls tim to get the bugs at home 🥹 and how she suspected that he was just killing them but didn’t say anything and Tim was like pretending to set them outside even tho he wasn’t because he appreciates how empathic she is to even bugs 😭 I just can’t get over the idea that badass Lucy Chen is scared of bugs, well maybe not scared but whatevs, and makes her grumpy boyfriend take care of them but still insists he doesn’t just kill the scary bugs — do we think post Jackson death, pre-Chris she would call Tim over to handle the super big ones? Omg can you imagine? I’m dead

3. Can we talk about how the dance was like the biggest indicator we’ve ever had that these two are so FREAKIN TACTILE WITH EACH OTHER! Like it was kinda obvious before that their shared love language is touch, but I feel like you really, very clearly see that in the dance. And I just 😭 they love each other so much and just want to touch and snuggle and be with the other so much.

I am still very unwell. And I haven’t even processed the ILY’s fully yet so we’re not gonna go there 😂😂😂

Just when I thought I had recovered enough, you decide to send me this. This is a live footage of me right now :

. The 'bug scene' Listen, after the dance, this might be my favorite part of the episode. This scene was the cutest thing ever… and yes, it was peak married energy. Let's be real here : what is the point of having a boyfriend if it's not to have him take out the trash and deal with the bugs? (just kidding!). Seriously though… Lucy once said that she used to treat the coackroaches in her first apartment as pets (3.11 I think), so it's not like she is fundamentally scared of bugs. Neither is Tamara for that matter. She just wanted Tim to take care of them, in a very Lucy way. But the fact that she knew he was killing them all along but pretended not to know is perfect. Again, that is so her. And then, add the other layer to that scene. Out of all the questions she could have asked, she chose this one. I feel like it was her way of diffusing the tension, of making Tim more comfortable by asking such an innocent question, with no stake at all, before bringing up the real issue between them.

. Tim at the bachelor's party scene You have no idea how much I wish that part had been a little bit longer, so we could see more of the reactions. Still, I love how this scene was cut, with the back and forth between the two parties. How both of them needing to confide their frustrations to other people. And you're right, this is huge for Tim. At best, he would open up to Lucy (obv not an option here) or Angela. Maybe Genny. But certainly not someone like Randy who he barely knows and who can't keep a secret. Or even Aaron… His former aide. That's how much this relationship is important to him. It may have started as a way for him to vent but he also wanted to hear some advices. And he did listen to Randy's suggestion - of all people.

. The dance On the one hand, did anyone still have any doubt that these two are so tactile with one another? The undercover mission was all the confirmation we needed, really. But on the other hand… I didn't think it was possible for them to be even more tactile. It's somehow more intense, more intimate… It just shows how much they craved reassurance. They needed that touch to ground themselves. Lucy needed to play with his lapel and he needed to pull her in closer to him. And don't get me started on how she was playing with his hair or caressing his face. IN PUBLIC. There was no room for Jesus in that dance. She was looking at him the same way she did before 'naked times'… And where did they sneak off after that dance? 👀

#little talks (with bestie) #the rookie #chenford #6.02

[harlequinoccult]

This might be a total coincidence but are you prince lapin? Your icon is familiar from other IF discords. what are your favourite ifs??

ah shit lads ive been found out Yeah, thats me !! the hyperfixation got so strong i needed to write my own

SPEAKING OF. you have opened pandoras box. god have mercy on you. Woe, Interactive Novels be upon ye.

CHOP SHOP by @losergames i fucking love crime. And they way everything is written? mwah. byootiful. like im watching a fucking movie.

WOLF SET FREE by @wolfsetfree-if WULFEBOUND by @wulfebound WEREWOLF NOIR by @canismaxim-games BLOOD MOON by @barbwritesstuff

I AM SO GAY ABOUT WEREWOLF SHIT YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

THE EXILE by @exilethegame I was (and am) hyperfixated on this singular game for a very very long time and my commander is the poorest little meow meow that i love repeatedly throwing against a wall and into a meatgrinder 💖

FIELDS OF ASPHODEL by @chrysanthemumgames I am so deeply unwell over Hades. but also i never noticed the simiarities that persephone and dionysus have and it makes me go insane to think about.

THE NAMELESS by @parkerlyn not only is my own bastard cat thing on an mc the most fun to draw, but it has reawakened my feralty over fae settings and fae creatures. also parker is just like. one of the sweetest people ever created??? illegal. how are they so nice.

THE NORTHERN PASSAGE by @northern-passage not only am i deeply unwell about Lea, but i adore deeply inhuman mcs <- (the transgenderism speaking). I also just like. respect the hell out of kit fr. takes absolutely no bullshit. absolute inspiration.

GREENWARDEN by @fiddles-ifs Bautista. I am unwell. do i have a type? perhaps. shut the fuck up about it. mc is deeply neurotic and a freak (complementary) (affectionate)(relatable)

SPEAKER by @speakergame one of the BEST writers of sibling interaction, hands down. one of the first twine IFs i have ever played and god it is so fuck quality. my god.

EVERYTHING BY @heart-forge oh my god. oooohhhh my fucking god. where do i begin. all of their projects are so fucking good and distinct. i can tell you i am unwell about trigger siruud and valerian and you could probably diagnose me with something but i dont care. i am going to fucking explode their shit is so quality.

EVERYTHING BY @pdrrook how do they do it. no seriously how the fuck do they do it. magic? are they fae? did they sell their soul to the devil? banger project after banger project after banger project. ALL of their shit is quality AND THEY DO NOT MISS. EVER.

THE GRAND HEIST by @thegrandheist-if BRO I FUCKING LOVE CRIME. LOVE BEING A BASTARD.

EVERYTHING BY @jaunefleurwrites fun highschool detectives!!! :) AND THEN MY FUCKING HEART GETS SHATTERED.

LEGEND OF A SAVIOR by @legend-of-a-savior-if THE DRAMA.....THE INTRIGUE......i loved fucked up cults. I loved fucked up shit. I hate my mom. thank u.

EVERYTHING BY @leftski-if bro......the softness of orcs......leftski gets it. everyday i thank them for my FUCKING life. (wolfsbane has werewolf shit, and as you know i am. Gay. About. It.)

VIRTUE'S END by @virtues-end you already fucking know who the fuck i am unwell about if you read the rest of this god damn list. dont fucking @ me. (barghest best helvling)

VENDETTA by @vendetta-if ok hear me out guys. have i mentioned the i love crime. that i love being a nasty crime boy? well jokes on you fucker im a vigilante.

THE KING'S HOUND by @the-kingshound Mordred is my fucking son and if anything happens to him i will kill everyone in this room and then myself.

BASTARD OF CAMELOT by @llamagirl28 the drama.....the fucking drama......my mordred, a literal ten year old has their shit together better than his fucking parents. this is my fucking soap opera. i have my fucking popcorn at the ready.

THE BALLAD OF DEVILS CREEK by @devilscreekballad Okay no jokes, i absolutely and genuinely hope the author of this IF gets to be in a better spot financially and health wise. This IF is so fucking phenomenal and the dedication to the time period without shirking away from sensitive topics is honestly insane. i absolutely wish them the best. 🌻

And finally, what might be the first twine if i ever played-

SCOUT by @anya-dev im crying. im scratching at the floorboards. im crawling on the walls. im barking in a cage. scout is such a fucking interesting post apoc story. the reason is unclear but at the time of the story it doesnt particularly matter. but at the same time it does so much. i want to know SO MUCH. Oliver was the fucking blueprint for my god damn brainrot.

#there are so SO many interactive fiction games that i adore that i could go on and on about but this list is already way too fucking long #i adore the if community so much and so many authors are absolute inspirations #and i sincerely hope that each and every author i follow finds great success with their works because it is so fucking phenomenal #anyway i am gushing too much and its embarrassing goodbye #princepostin #if recs

[emeritus-fuckers]

Hi ❤️ I know requests are closed so feel free to delete this, but I am really struggling and I could use some comfort if possible. Could I get the papas comforting a reader with extreme health anxiety? Like a reader who is always afraid that they are really sick (whether they actually are or not). Tysm, your blog brings me so much joy ❤️

Hey, no worries. I said it myself, even if requests are closed, comfort asks are always fine. - Jez

Papas with a darling who has extreme health anxiety

Primo

He listens to your worries and tries to soothe your nerves.

He has some experience with somewhat similar issues (Terzo was a hypochondriac when he was younger), so he has a general clue on how to help you.

"Darling, take a deep breath. Let's take some breaths and calm down together, alright?"

He stis with you as long as you need him to before he finally talks about your symptoms.

He has you answer a lot of very detailed questions, but does so in a way that feels comforting.

He gently guides you towards more plausible reasons you might feel unwell.

Also, he's fond of using hers as medication (do not confuse it with being anti-vaxx, he absolutely believes in medicine, but if he can help with simpler methods, he will), so he'll offer that.

Offers you cupping therapy (is that how it's called in english???) and regular days off to rest just so you can feel healthier.

Secondo

This man reads a lot and does shit tons of research.

And he's an extremely fast learner, so in a few weeks he's already grasped the basic concepts and most important potential symptoms of what people learn in medical school.

He's far from being an expert and he's still learning, but he learns the very basics just to reassure you that it's fine.

He wants to make sure you're fine, seeing as he takes any potential issues very seriously.

If you think he's sick, he's going to believe you and take care of you.

Gets you a personal doctor and a nurse to make sure you're okay.

"It's alright, a more. Il dottore said you're fine. Do you need to rest? Let Papa take care of you, sí?"

He does his best to slowly and subtly change your life style to be at least a bit healthier, hoping it would help.

Watches you nap with a small smile as he does his paperwork.

Makes you nice, healthy foods. Takes you on walks. He just does a lot to make you feel healthier.

Terzo

Oh, he gets it. He was like that in his youth, although it's way worse with you.

Gentle distractions. He notices you getting anxious and tries his best to help you.

He tries to make sure you don't have time to be anxious. Tries making you focus on something fun.

If it doesn't work, he'll research your symptoms with you to calm you down.

Will get you a doctor if you insist, but mostly tries to calm you himself.

He understands what you feel, even if just a little bit. And his heart is in the right place. But like with his own issues, he doesn't deal with it at the source, he just gets distractions. All the time.

But he does try. And he does his best. He's just..not the best at handling things like that.

But if you tell him how to help you, he follows those instructions religiously.

Copia

Well... He's terrible for it.

Not because he doesn't care. It's because the poor baby cares too much and he gets caught up in it even more than you do :<

You cough and he freaks out. Makes you lay in bed and gets a doctor.

He does his very best to take care of you, mother hen mode activated.

He's gonna spoil you, trying his best to make you feel better.

He doesn't realize he makes it worse. But he loves you so much! He wants you to be happy! And safe! And healthy!

But once he does realize, he apologizes profusely and spends days researching how to properly help you.

He feels really bad about making it worse earlier, please give him a hug, he really means well with everything he does for you.

Old Nihil

He has a doctor ready for whenever he got sick. He's old, every cough could be a sign he's dying (though he's in incredibly good shape for a man his age, with only his breathing being a problem), so if you get worried about your health, he gets his doctor immediately.

No matter if it was something completely silly, if you said you were feeling unwell, he's getting the damn doctor and that's it.

The doctor better take all your worries seriously because Nihil can and will fire him otherwise.

Your comfort is more important than his own health.

The doctor is fully expected to listen to whatever troubles you and explain everything to you.

What your symptoms are, what they mean.

And they better do so gently and patiently to ease you.

Even if he may get a bit annoyed with you constantly worrying about your health (mainly because he gets pestered about his health a lot and it's fucking annoying), but he always tries his best to support you.

It does come pretty easy, considering he's a simp.

Young Nihil

Straight up tells you you're being dramatic at first. That's just what he assumes, not realizing how serious it was.

He never really cared much for his own health and he was fine, so he just tries to get you to chill out.

Once he does eventually realize what it doesn't work and that your issues are actually very serious, he just kinda sighs and makes you explain your problems to him.

He still doesn't get it, so he does a similar thing to Terzo and tries to distract you.

He can't deal with his own issues, love. He sucks at dealing with yours unless he's told specifically what to do.

Tell him when you need to be held and he'll hold you.

Tell him how to help you and he'll help you.

Tell him what to do and he'll do it.

What a fucking bottom.

Taglist: @sirlsplayland @firefirevampire @thatoddboy @ouijaboardemo (send an ask if you'd like to be added! Read the pinned post before asking!)

#ghost band #ghost bc #ghost #ghost band x reader #ghost bc x reader #ghost x reader #ask #anon #papa emeritus iii #papa nihil #papa emeritus iv #papa emeritus ii #papa emeritus i #young nihil #old nihil #copia #cardinal copia #terzo #secondo #primo

[soldier-poet-king]

career anxiety which turned into existential dread which turned into me guiltily defending my use of stories as narrative framing devices for my own life & human existence as storytelling more broadly (smthn smthn sometimes you gotta be a little mentally unwell to be mentally well)

what is possibly the longest cringe worst thing ive ever put on this webbed site, but i gotta get it out in writing to clear my head and i type more quickly than i write and if there's a post length limit by god i'm gonna find out

with my deepest apologies if this readmore doesnt work

so we had a Big Fancy Meeting at work today, with a group of information professionals from an Outside Institution (some of whom i had met previously), and which i got to sit in on/play tech support for, which was all fine and well for the actual presentation portion of the event, but afterwards when it was informal chatting and the like it was just???

The following things are true:

i actually got to speak with people close-ish to my age and in my profession

it was a very nice and enjoyable experience and we got to talk both seriously about professional things and also jokingly shoot the shit about shared woes with this one outdated archival software that everyone under the age of 60 hates with a passion

i was also incredibly jealous of this group of archivists & librarians because they're all /friendly/ with each other and i am lonely being the youngest person at work

i am also jealous because theyre working on very exciting projects at A Big Institution with Actual Resources and Technology and PROCEDURES my beloved, and not the slapdash kinda thing going on at my work

this in turn made me anxious because there were certain elements of the conversation i couldn't follow and i worry about my professional development at my current job, and that my technical skills are either atrophying, or not growing in a way that would enable me to get hired at A Big Institution like this one (which is the ultimate goal)

this in turn made me more stressed about my current job, which i just got promoted to fulltime permanent for the following

beyond the skill atrophy fear there is also the fact that my boss is grooming me to be her successor when she retires in 5 yrs and i very Much Do Not Want to be here in 5 years

this adds several layers of guilt

i was just promoted so im getting really sweet messages of congrats from random ppl in other departments who i didnt even think knew/care i existed - the people at this workplace are extremely nice, even if im like. meh. about some of the work/procedures/etc

a large part of my promotion being approved hinged on the fact that im undertaking this big technical project that my boss doesnt have the technical know-how to do. so i cant just bail and leave them high and dry without feeling guilt. but also. it's not so fancy a project that someone else couldnt do it. anyone in my field worth their salt and not super old should be able to handle it. sure i work hard and im friendly, but surely that's not that rare in an employee

i dont even KNOW if there's better opportunities out there. but i see stuff on the listserv all the time, and assuming i could land those jobs, they pay better and are at larger orgs and more in line with what i want

there is an element to working non-profit adjacent that is guilt inducing as well as [redacted thing about my work that would make me feel even guiltier for leaving, i cannot say what, but it is Significant]

this of course, tapped into my larger, ongoing sense of ennui and being 'stuck' and fears about unchosen monotony and purposelessness and all that mid 20s recent grad existential bullshit. i cant really do anything to solve it bc yknow, unprecedented housing crisis, rent is insane, im stuck living in a dysfunctional household which traumatized me as a child, etc etc etc. but broadly:

i am afraid of being stuck in a mediocre job forever. my boss has worked for two (2) archives her whole life and has always done non-profit adjacent work and is like. a one man small archive thing. i VERY MUCH DO NOT WANT THAT

i feel guilty for wanting

idk how to want things or be a person (separate issue), but i know very much what i want career wise. i know what makes me happy and satisfied. and i know what im good at. im doing fine at my current job but i know i could be so much MORE and i want that desperately

if my personal life is always doomed to be dismal, as is my family life, can i at least have one thing

i gave up academia for my mental health and some degree of financial stability, can i at least satisfy SOME of my ambitions here?? just a few??

yes this is pride. yes this is ambition. just bc i spent so long extremely depressed and with 0 self esteem does not make me immune to ambition, even if non traditional.

i feel immense guilt over this but i dont stop wanting it

ofc, my brain is a web, all existence is inextricably interconnected, and im listening to the tge audiobook on my commute and rotating csevet in my brain, thara is more personal, more beloved maybe, but csevet is my fave lil guy babygirl and i have a thing for fantasy secretaries, so i am now thinking even MORE of ambition, and how i have it, and how i love that im good at this one complex but boring thing, i am thinking of kip mdang, of kamet, of muire lo, of how some of my deepest loves, in no particular order, include: organization and scheduling, devotion, competency, well-ordered policies and procedures, righteous anger, boring skills being used to change the world for good, small kindnesses, Duty, loyalty to a person or ideal which goes beyond the functional and the expected and which extends into unprecedented levels of intimacy - whether it be friendship, qprs, romance, etc, and also, metadata and research

so. as i sit there sorting this all out in my brain i am like. wow you are a pathetic human being. you are not even a person. like. why is everything being framed in terms of narrative and story. why does everything relate to a Broader Theme or Arc or Meaning.

i am forcibly reminded of being undiagnosed, unmedicated, aged 18/19 and trying to explain smthn really personal about myself to someone i knew from youth group and him being like. wow. you describe everything and relate to everything from stories.

to this day i live in embarassment over this moment. but also. lowkey. fuck him. and tradcath circles be WILD, the social dynamics BAD, and it was not the place for me to be, even tho i latched on to it lacking any other social contact at the time. if a complete mental breakdown, latent OCD, and a really painful loss of friends is what it took to get me out. like. i cant say i dont regret the loss, but also, i like who im becoming much better now

ANYWAY. i got thinking about stories and why i am and am not extremely cringe

i am a big believer in storytelling is the oldest human activity. it's the most fundamental human activity. this isn't some nihilistic devaluing of the human person, the soul, the human experience, it is instead and elevation of the story. because like. stories are what we do to live. it's why we live. it's how we communicate. storytelling is how we turn to another person and we attempt to communicate the innermost secrets of our heart. language is a flawed tool always ultimately falling short. but we use stories to share ourselves with each other, to be recognized and known, and throughout the ages, to share our grief and love, to know to oneself, no, i'm not the only one, others have experienced this before too. stories are balms and inspirations and are ultimately reflections of their creators, they reflect some Truth about the human experience back to us

im not even talking like. published stories. tv shows. mcu ification of media. i mean /stories/. in whatever form. from whatever time. this isn't a fandom thing - though there is overlap, im not talking about consumption for the sake of consumption, or consumption as a personality trait

i mean like. stories as the bedrock of humanity because it is the only way we can attempt to understand ourselves. stories are foundational because the human person is too complex, having too much of the image of the divine in it, to ever be really fully successfully understood. and so of course. of course we turn to stories in times of trouble, and triumph, and all the times in between. how could we not turn to stories to attempt the divine understanding that is always ultimately beyond us?

(i have a whole other locked and loaded series of thoughts on storytelling in faith traditions, and specifically how the bible is a literary work as well as a spiritual one, and the reasons for this reflected in the human soul, but i digress)

so really. maybe i am pathetic and cringe and a fake not real person (i am all of those things), but i hope it's not because i think in stories, in themes, in arcs. everything is tangled in my brain, inextricable, i can do nothing else, i know nothing else, i would not want anything else, unless it were the full divine understanding beyond mortal means

and besides. i am trying. to be better. to be more. to have comforts and hobbies beyond this. the crafting. the cooking. the career ambitions that arose when i found something that i was good at and enjoyed and was /me/. my insatiable need to learn to dance.

i dont know where im going with this. i barely know where i started. it's stories all the way down, because it's people all the way down, and we are all mirrors of each other and we are all connections with each other in a vast caring world. or. so i like to think

#franposting #long post #im so sorry but also i needed this so. #smthn smthn you go to the circus (my blog) dont be surprised when there's clowns (me) etc etc #i had to take a break in the middle of typing this bc i got worn out emotionally #should that have been a sign to stop? maybe. but i cant read so that sign wont stop me etc #this is the most embarassing cringe thing i have ever posed in my ELEVEN YEARS on this site #ah well #gotta weed out the weak. natural selection for my horribleness #and now. i am going to play bg3 for a bit. and then read. and then bed bc alas. commuting

[fish-boy-ardee]

Deadendia Book 3/Entire Series Thoughts

Spoiler Warning obvs, but ill leave the spoiler thoughts under the cut.

General thoughts

Holy shit Hamish's art got so much better as it progressed. I loved the general style of book 1 don't get me wrong, but the polish in book 3?? Im so excited to see their next works

I love how each character progressed, I don't read graphic novels normally so I'm not sure if this is the norm but some stuff felt rushed. Natural for the character's arc but it happened so quickly

I'm so gay for the men in this series. I'm so sorry for the stuff I will draw on alt accounts. Hamish if you see any of that I am so sorry/you're welcome?

The representation and just general experience of the characters (much like the Netflix counterparts) made me feel so seen as an individual in a way any other media has not.

Every outfit in this book served cunt

I wish I got the e-book version somewhere so I could take better screenshots

SPOILERY THOUGHTS This is mostly me gushing about how gay I am with a few plot thoughts spread in the midst as I think of them

I loved how Barney and Logs were never portrayed as perfect for each other, even being a point of making the "perfect" ending weird for them. It felt nice. I wish Az had more time to develop a dynamic with Logs but like, page space and the amount of time you have in a comic series is limited. (this leaves more space for my brain to fill in the gaps so its fine)

Norma and Badyah was the long game, Normyah enjoyers I hope the pay off knocks your tits clean off. I also LOVE Zagan being a rebound, I believe in doomed Yuri.

GGGod I wanma fuck the mustache off this man. sorry. I think I hauve covid

I love that we got SVTFoE ending but good. Not to compare the series since they are VERY wildly different but I'm glad stuff wasn't handwaved

Hamish that one patreon post abt "THE WRITER'S BARELY DISGUISED FETISH" I get it. I saw Barney in both the wrestling out fit that made it into the book and on patreon and man I fucking get it

I liked Courtney's deal of trying to be a martyr for the gang but I do wish they had more like foreshadowing in the first meet up in book 3. I know they call it an "opportunity" but that combined with the really prim way of speaking the entire time felt really no it.

I like this page :)

Barney's mom was too real. She felt too real i needed to stare at the ceiling for a bit reading her bit.

PETER??????!??? Never trust a Peter.

The world was worth one life and that life was worth the world, idk what the point of that sentence is but everyone agreeing to risk everything to right one massive wrong was really sweet idk

Pugsley voice: You two met on Grindr I'm calling it

Do you think Pugsley would be the homophobic dog. I know its ooc but it would just be really funny to me specifically

HAMISH CAMEO AS COURTNEY'S DAD???

DANNY'S GAY??????

Oh i like the way Hamish uses Barney's hair to differentiate between the worlds (Blue in the 13th reset, natural orange in the 14th and then pink in the OG world)

Pink haired Barney is my fave...

I think Badyah ate this book, honestly like serve queen

Seriously logs with a mustache is really making me feel unwell. I keep looking at him. Logs if you're out there PLEASE DM ME.

Please keep creating Hamish I really wanna read the new stuff you've been teasing on Patreon. Big Boy now in my hands please please please please

#karpramblings #deadendia spoilers #not tagging anything else since i just wanna have the spoiler tag incase people following me have it blocked

[leggerefiore]

i'm sorry but after reading Winning The Most (again, i thought it was a new fic not a reblog) i immagine pulling out the magnum strap-on dong ALONG with the lingerie, Emmet opens the door and goes "oh my! i just remembered i left something at the office!". still, too many red flags, do you have in mind to do a different version of it? like reader seeing through it after he asks for a shower instead?

sure why not

most of my works are found in my masterlist, and this one is on my ao3 lol

though, i don't think ingo would let a dildo bigger than his dick penetrate him so i guess that's for personal use lmao

cw: Emmet pretending to be Ingo, Reader knows

The stew was lovingly served to Ingo while you sat beside him, grabbing his hand under the table. "Mmm… Do you want a nice bath tonight? You seem a bit out of it," you asked gently, wanting nothing more than his comfort. Ingo stopped blowing on the spoon before shaking his head. "I think… A quick shower would be nice," he said casually, "Could we… Er… Work out some tension before that?" You cocked a brow.

“… A shower?” you asked, suddenly a bit more suspicious of the man sitting at the table. Ingo usually liked a bath before and after sex, as he just enjoyed soaking himself in water. He only chose to take showers if he absolutely had to. Often, he would whine about it the entire time and complain that he didn't feel fulfilled. Sitting down, you carefully scrutinised the twin. While he and Emmet were truly identical, they still varied. His hair seemed to be part a different way than usual. The way he held objects seemed to favour his left hand. “Oh, actually! I need to check the bedroom for something,” you stood up tall and smiled at him, “I'll be right back. Okay, Ingo?” He nodded while you walked off to the bedroom.

Shutting the door behind you, your phone was quickly pulled from your apron's pocket. Ingo's number was dialled. It rang once… Twice… Thrice, and then, “Hello, dearest?” You sighed. Seriously? “Ingo, are you at the office still?” you asked him. Shuffling came from the other end as he moved around, papers being shifted. “Yes, I decided to stay late as Emmet seemed to be feeling unwell,” he explained, “Could you do me a favour a check on him? I am quite worried about his health.” Emmet seemed perfectly fine to you. Your stew should have completely resolved the problem had there even been one in the first place. “See, Ingo, that's strange,” you whispered, “You're sitting at the table in our apartment, too.”

The line went dead quiet.

“Emmet was strange ways of getting food,” Ingo sighed, “Give the phone to him.” You left the room and re-entered the living area. Emmet had shifted to the couch. Currently, he seemed to be desperately holding the frown on his face while he mock read a book that Ingo had left out. Pressing the speak option, a voice rang out. “Emmet! What are you doing?” Ingo called out over the phone. The younger twin about jumped out of his skin. “Wh-what?” his voice was back to its normal pitch and tone while he stared at you shocked. “How did you figure it out? I was doing so well!” he whined, “You called Ingo, too!” You could almost laugh at the pout on his face. He stood up and grabbed the phone from you. Emmet was always surprisingly cute, in his own way. That was a strange trait of his, you had always appreciated it. It must have been because he was the younger of the two, so their parents may have unconsciously babied him.

“It's unfair, Ingo,” he spoke to his brother with a desolate tone, “You get a sweet partner who loves you and takes care of you, while I get left behind. You're always so busy with them. I'm jealous. I want them.” You stared at him. He wants you…? That was a strange thought. Emmet's interest never seemed to go past his usual antics of someone dating your sibling, but he also seemed to look at you strangely. “… Emmet, you're acting childish right now,” Ingo sighed, “Look, I understand how you feel, but dressing up as me and trying to fool my partner is wrong. What was your ultimate goal?” Emmet looked down at the ground sheepishly. You tilted your head. He wanted sex, you felt certain. Taking a bit of pity on him, “He wanted to eat your food and use your bath oils.” Ingo gasped like it was the worst offence he had ever heard. Emmet stared at you with big, adoring eyes.

“… Both of you just stay there. I'm taking off now,” the older twin spoke, “Dearest, do NOT let him use my bath oils. He will dump them all out. He's worse than a Purrloin. I'll see you soon; I love you.” He then hung up. You laid your phone on the table. “Emmet, couldn't you have brought this up like a normal person instead of trying to get into my pants,” you groaned, “Do you know how submissive your brother is? I don't think you're into pegging or being ridden, are you?” He scrunched his nose and shook his head. “No. Gross. Did not need to know that about Ingo,” he gagged. You rolled your eyes. Taking the hat off his head, you smiled at him. “Maybe, when Ingo gets here,” you offered, “We'll talk about this seriously, okay?” Emmet returned the expression to you brightly.

#ingo.ima #emmet.ima #submas.ima

[vampyrsm]

hellllo! i am back again to say i am still an awe of cor unum & the progression of the last two chapters! the tension is sooo thick. and have loved to see this side of sukuna! how he's slowly softening/opening up! really enjoyed his pov in ch 7! has me internally screaming at him when he pulls himself back lol. i can just tell the care and thought to all the details you've put in to this story! its so wonderfully immersive and seriously so so good. definitely one of my favorite reads! the fighting feels so magnetic and exciting as well! so curious to know what sukuna has in store for her and her skills! + domestic(ish) sukuna (the bath scene, the bed, the breakfast afsdjfasd) just has me in a chokehold. am unwell lol these updates are such amazing reprieves from work lately, and just offer such an escape <3 !

HI!! Sorry for replying so late oh my god, I swear I see things and reply in my head and then I just forget

Thank you so much for the lovely words and thank you for sticking with me and reading it!! I absolutely LOVED writing in Sukuna's POV, I think it added an entire new layer to the fic - to see in the mind of a man who sees himself as not only a King but the King of Curses is something very important

LOL yeah I figured a few people might be like that about him holding himself back, I think I mentioned this at the time of posting chapter 7 but the only reason he does hold himself back multiple times is because in this fic, he's at the start of his reign of terror. So he's very much focused on his goal; to be at the top of the food chain, to assert that dominance and to prove himself as scarier than any curse to ever exist -- and human emotions can get in the way of that!

But the POV we got was a nice little look in to see that he is still very much a living human man, and he has very strong urges that he's resisting

I also loved writing him in a domestic setting LOL. I loved the breakfast scene! I watched a lot of samurai movies, and breakfast was a huge like thing - and sharing meals with ones we hold dear, also very important in Japanese culture so I really wanted to bring that in and it worked out wonderfully

I wonder if anyone else liked the whole reader bowing in thanks to Sukuna thing lol, no one mentioned it as far as I'm aware but I did have her bow like she would to a husband!!! And Sukuna internally was just "oh god oh fuck wait" because he liked it!!!

Ahh I'm so glad! I'm so happy that you and many others have been enjoying it, I've been enjoying writing it and it's been so much fun to see everyone reacting to it!

#— alex has mail ! #— user bakughoust

[squeakheart]

what's Bebe's dynamic with the Blackbeard crew like? Obviously you ship her with Blackbeard but is she also shipped with the others?

ok insane rambling and some nsft soooo .. this post is going under the cut but

i mainly ship her with blackbeard buuut .. i feel like a lotta casual sex goes on in that crew so stuff w the others inevitably just happens lol? never planned to make bebe polyamorous bc i am very much not polyamorous irl but it just sorta started making sense once i started making bebe less of 'me' and more of her own character

bebe and blackbeard have a little lovey dovey thing going on bc i really like the gap moe of a big scary guy like him having a soft spot for my little mouse ^_^ not that hes not also rough and dominant with her too but. yknow. they have a special bond bc when they first meet he says some stuff that makes a big impact on her aaaand she baked him a real nice cherry pie so hes totally ride or die for her lol. i dont feel like retyping my whole ass backstory so heres bebe wiki screenshots

needless to say. important to her.

slightly less going on with the others but i would say yeah i still ship her with them

burgess and her sleep together for SURE bc um. hes hot as fuck. his huge muscles and confident charisma have captivated her .. hes an irresistable guy. i think her dynamic with him is more playful than her dynamic w teach and theres a lot of likeee him tossing her in the air and chasing her and pinning her down 🥰🥵 shes a weak little mousey but she really enjoys it

doc q and bebe are like genuine bffs bc theyre both sick forever .. chronic illness solidarity. their dynamic hovers somewhere between "platonic" and "holding each others cocks while they pee" its a special bond. they definately fuck nasty style but only when theyre not both too unwell lmao. bebe/doc started out genuinely just platonic but every day i realise more and more how fucking handsome he is so uh. call me in a week and ill probably tell you shes in love with him

van augur .. hm .. yknow i dont actually think about him and bebe that much bc i know a couple of people who ship their ocs with him already and their ocs usually spring to mind for augur before bebe! a lotta the stuff i have for her and augur is just her teasing him for being a big nerd hehe .. but sitting down and thinking about it .. sure. bebe and augur can kiss with tongue ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ if i do think about bebe/augur i usually think about my husbands transfem augur AU bc something about augur with tit growth does it for me lol

laffitte and bebe are mainly like. gossipy brunch friends who meet up for coffee and make fun of everyone else lol. also passive agressive to each other constantly. hes my least fav so they probably have the least romantic tension out of the original crew. something sexual going on tho. i think laffitte gets a little jealous of anyone who's close to blackbeard and they have weird sex about it where laffitte makes sure to let bebe uhm. know her place on the crew. hes taking his "chief of staff" position very seriously i guess

i have some stuff brewing for the later additions to the crew too but our household rewatch is only just up to impel down so i want to let myself mull them over more before i commit to any dynamics hehe

thanks for reading if u read this far. take this post timeskip bebe from my sketchpad as some kinda reward

#squeaks #bebe

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[dwn024]

plus just. in the last year the feeling of "being ignored en masse on purpose" has increased exponentially Especially when it comes to my art even though i Know i'm improving and i Feel like my engagement has been going up on average too especially taking into account social media Other than tumblr. and i know "you shouldn't draw for internet points you should draw for yourself yadda yadda two cakes etc etc" obviously i know that but like. imagine you make a cake that you're super proud of and you bring it to a party that already has a cake there. doesn't matter the quality of the other cake, you're thinkin "hey mine's got its own value + i'm proud of it so maybe others will like it too"

and then over the course of the party the second cake gets completely 100% devoured while yours is left untouched gathering flies. maybe a few people picked at it and told you they liked it and were really nice, but it's REALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to have that happen and not feel at least a LITTLE discouraged

and me because i'm normal my brain chalks this up to "obviously there is a conspiracy against me && i am being shunned en masse && no one actually likes or wants me in the megaman fandom because somehow in the last year it became a teeny tiny clique that's very vocal and Very much does not want me specifically in it, and i don't know what the hell i did wrong or how to fix it all i know is this is definitely the case this is the truth this is what's happening and i'm powerless to stop it." there's evidence to the contrary obviously, but Obviously my brain is smarter+stronger+whatever bullshit it makes up is The Most Correct so any time someone is nice to me it's Obviously just a trick so i'll keep thinking they actually want me around because they just want to laugh at me or talk shit about me behind my back and they're all waiting with bated breath for me to just officially give up

which lately i Have been seriously considering which breaks my fucking heart because if i'm not able to enjoy megaman like i always have i might as well kill myself it's the most important thing in the world to me i don't want to lose it i Can't lose it but i might fucking have to give it up because i don't have any good ideas all my headcanons are wrong only weirdos like how i draw the characters especially shadowman i'm not allowed to be the shadowman guy how dare i have an insane person level attachment to shadowman that's not My guy i'm not Allowed i've been usurped i can't have that guy pick another no one wants you to have that guy you aren't smart or articulate enough + you're wrong about him you're not him who cares if you've been consistently delusion-kinning/shadowman posting since 2014 no one likes you shut up about it pick another or get out. any shit i make is always the wrong level of funny or the wrong level of angsty it's boring it's derivative it's insulting i don't know what i'm talking about obviously everyone fuckingelse is the experts i don't know what i'm fucking talking about what am i even still doing here no one cares about my OCs which i only feel more comfortable talking about because at least i can't get them Wrong like canon characters. i don't know how to get people to care about what i have to say because i either have NOTHING to say OR i'm too preemptively scared of rejection to even open my fucking mouth

i know this is petty internet fandom shit but cut me some slack i'm unwell i'm fucked up i'm a weird little freak and i miss when megaman tumblr fandom was less of a small very tight knit group that's impossible to avoid and more just randos sprinkled around randomly that you only ever tangentially interact with i don't know What the fuck happened in the last year but. maybe it's just because i'm finally close enough to the sidelines to realize "oh it's just Me that's being excluded" rather than "everyone else is just as dispersed as me" bro i haven't stopped thinking about this since like IDK last june or some shit whenever my halfhearted suicide attempt was i think that was june. or may

i now understand why everyone always says shit like "don't interact with fandoms worst mistake of my life" and "i'm so glad i don't interact with the fandom for the thing i like outside my tiny tiny group of friends and literally no one else and all our discussion keeps out of the tags and in a group chat where there's no risk of randos interrupting" i wish i had friends i could do that with . my boyfriend doesn't count also i think the ideal fandom experience is something like "you are the only person in your friend group into this thing and you can infodump at everyone else about it and none of them can tell you you're wrong about your headcanons and theories and ideas because what do they know right" but again that hinges on FUCKING BEING ABLE TO MAKE FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF THE COMMUNITY FOR A SHARED INTEREST i have got to join some mutuals servers and NOT mute them all this time man

[kaiserkisser]

Hi I am Venessa. How are you? Can I ask you something?

how are you so perfect? I’ve seen your posts. Cute rambles🥰 (very relatable)

I heard from a friend of a friend that you are really nice.

one more question… what do you think would happen if it was Giyu instead of Rengoku against Akaza?

thanks so much you epitome of grace,

Anon

hi Venessa :) I'm doing quite good, what about u? And sure, why not?

HDHDHDJDJCHUEJA I'm crying unwell /pos I'm the furthest thing from perfect but I'm so honoured u think of me as such!! andnfjdj the ramblesss i just do them for fun dhhebfb i never expected someone to look at them 😭😅

and dang i love theorizing, even if i don't make mamy posts about it and this is quite the interesting scenario so let's see..

well in all honesty, I am not sure whether Giyu is stronger than Rengoku or not.. Personally I think both of them are almost on the same level. I've been thinking about it( I just re read the manga fight between the two haha) so erm, if we look at unmarked Giyu, I feel like he would also hold out just as long as Rengoku, but I'm not sure whether he'd die or not.. I feel like he wouldn't, but he'd be seriously injured by Akaza, Akaza would still manage to escape by sunrise, but I feel like Giyu would probably survive, albeit terribly injured

I'm not sure if you've read the manga, so I'll try to avoid spoilers, but giyu and tanjiro do fight against akaza in the manga, and both of them survive the fight after akaza's death, although giyu gets the mark during the battle

Whoops this became long but in short I think Giyu would survive the battle against Akaza in Rengoku's place, Akaza would escape, Tanjiro would still try to step in since it's impossible for giyu to get away without injuries but since rengoku wouldn't die (thank god) it would probably affect the entire storyline

no problem and you're the epitome of kindness, Venessa!! Thank you for sending in such a nice and sweet ask, it brightened my day💕💕

#letters from: anon<33 #kny #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer

[rabidmind101]

this trip to NYC has been above all my expectations. I absolutely love it here. I am particularly overwhelmed with emotion tonight because I’m just so happy to finally be around Aidan. I feel things really strongly with people. because the way I connect with others is very all or nothing. a lot of the people I try to be friends with end up boring me to death. yeah, Aidan talks about the same things all the time but I am genuinely interested in most of the things he shows me.

about a month ago I was really pissed off with him. after my cat died he began to ghost me. at that point in time I was very unwell mentally. it was really hard to cope with everything going on around me. it seemed like he disappeared when I needed a friend the most. I remember that burning feeling of betrayal. I tried to act like I didn’t care but I was so hurt. up until that point we had talked every day since the day we met. there were many days during that period where I just wanted to block him and leave without a trace but I just couldn’t do it. I felt so close to him and if I were the one keeping us apart I would never forgive myself.

I’m so glad I gave him a second chance. I am just so so emotional right now because I feel so lonely in Charlotte. it’s so hard to find friends and even harder to keep them. with Aidan I feel like I connect with him so effortlessly. even tho he’s many miles away from home he’s my best friend and the only reason I’m not lonely all the time. I’m just sitting here typing this out in tears because I know I’m going to miss him so much when I go home. I have told him this before but I seriously do love him and care for him a lot. like I said he is one of the things that really keep me going nowadays. I wouldn’t say this to him because I don’t know how to communicate how much I appreciate him. the moments that we’re together feel so special.

he went through a period of time where he constantly talked about killing himself and wanting to die. sometimes if I didn’t hear from him for too long I would panic. I would worry every day about him. now that I’ve had the chance to meet him, it’s really solidified our friendship. I’m so glad he never took his life then because I don’t know what I would have done without him.

I really care for him a lot and I know that it shows so I hope it’s not overwhelming for him. I know sometimes for me it’s like if people are too nice it scares me off and I get uninterested. I try to like joke around and have fun and be exciting but I’m just not the one for that. but I know his friend goobie is like that so maybe he gets his recklessness fix there lol.

I think after this I’m gonna write down everything we’ve done so far so I never forget it. Aidan if you ever read this and stalk me out I’m sorry this post was super emotional lol but seriously man I love you. I’m so lucky to have you as my friend.