#reflecting on sexuality developments is so weird

[featherandferns]

orange juice (fic)

jj maybank x fem!reader | inspired by noah kahn's incredible music

content warning: mentions of drinking and drug use; mentions of abuse; mentions of bodily harm (vague, non-graphic); sexual content | feel free to message me with questions of detail if any of this concerns you before reading!

word count: 7.5k

blurb: in the most unlikely of settings, you and JJ reunite after five years apart in radio silence.

“You know, on my way here, I saw a dead rat.”

A cloud of cigarette smoke dispels into the air.

“It was funny, you know? Cause I felt bad that it was dead, even though it was a rat. I mean, I knew nobody was going to miss it, and that it didn’t have any rat family or friends which would mourn it or anything. But still…It looked like it had been hit by a car, and it was only small so it didn’t look very old, and it seemed so harmless lying there. It probably had a million and one diseases, but just laying there, it seemed harmless. And it felt weird to be sad about this thing dying which would have only maybe caused more damage if it had stayed alive – nibbling through electrical wires and all that.”

JJ takes another drag of his cigarette as he digests the anecdote.

“Anyway. This just made me think of that,” you quietly finish before sinking back into the silence.

“Did you just compare my dad’s funeral to a dead rat?”

You clear your throat. JJ watches in his peripheral as you look down at your feet and fidget your fingers.

“Shit, I guess I did.”

His eyes cut ahead the moment yours seem to flick up.

“Can’t believe that’s the first thing I’ve said to you in years.”

JJ inhales and exhales the nicotine of his cigarette. “Well, I can.”

That makes you laugh. Small and sheltered.

“I weren’t sure that you were going to come,” JJ tells you.

“Could say the same thing to you,” you reply.

Sighing, he drops the cigarette and crushes it under the heel of his boot. He probably should have worn smarter shoes. But then, why would he? Waste of money and space in his truck. Not like his dad was going to see them anyway.

“I only decided yesterday. Practically drove all night.” As if reminding himself of the sleep deprivation, JJ lets out a yawn.

“How is it, being back in Kildare?” you wonder.

JJ shrugs. “Weird. But also not weird at all. I guess I just feel old. I was driving through town and everything looks different.”

“I mean, it has been five years.”

“Jesus,” JJ chuckles, shaking his head. Had it really been that long?

He shoves his hands in his pant pockets and finally finds the nerve to take you in. His eyes scan over you like one might survey potential damage to a car after a close call. He never lets them go below your waist though. As if losing nerve, he flicks them back up to your head and meets your eyes.

“You look well.”

“Thanks. Right back at ya,” you smile.

With that smile – sweet and simple – JJ finds himself being hurled back through time to his teen years. The reminiscing of his youth and the memories that your presence stirs up feels like reflecting on a past life. Something that he almost had, and something that he didn’t exactly lose, but something that changed.

Everything had changed, really. The streets that he used to drive down with his friends, running away from security and darting to and from keggers and house parties, they all had new homes, new paint, new families. Old mom-and-pop shops were now trendy smoothie spots and hippie bars. Empty plots of land that were a good spot to share a joint had now been bought and developed into stylish holiday rentals. None of JJ’s family was left here, not even his cousin. None of his friends were here anymore either. Well, except for you. Is that what you were to him? A friend?

“It was a nice service,” you say.

“Was it?”

For someone like Luke Maybank, ‘nice’ is probably a generous term for a funeral service that’s void of cheery anecdotes and tender memories. It’s a shame that all the memories JJ held in high regard of his father – of the moments that they were bonded and close – often came with the overarching theme of alcohol or drugs. He wasn’t sure there was ever a genuine moment shared between the two. Whatever praise and pride he gathered from his dad was short lived and sparse. When his dad left the island on the boat he stole, JJ never heard from him again. And now he never would.

“Did they ask if you wanted to say anything?”

“What’s there to say? He was a guy and he died in a bender. Short and simple, I guess.”

You nod and go silent once more.

JJ knows that his answer evaded the politeness markers of small talk, but it was true. Luke Maybank was a human who lived on this earth with no mark to be left apart from those which he laid on his own child. The only way that he’d be remembered was in the nightmares that still sometimes have JJ waking up in cold sweats and reaching for the box of cigarettes by his bed.

“I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have come,” you say.

“No, it’s not…” JJ shakes his head and offers you a smile, but he knows it looks unnatural. He isn’t sure what he’s feeling right now. Perhaps everything, if that’s even possible. “I’m glad you came. I’m just tired and…well, you know.”

The funeral of my father.

“Right. Of course.”

He watches you tuck your hair behind your ears and glance towards the graves. He remembers how you used to do that when you were both younger. It was funny to him: you’d go through the fuss of trying your hair back in one way or another, but you’d always leave out a couple of strands. “To frame my face” you’d tell him, and then you’d precede to spend the rest of the day tucking your hair behind your ears. He liked it though. When you’d be concentrating on something, like surfing or fixing something up or writing, you’d lean forward and they’d come lose and hang over your pretty features. He’d want to mess with them; tuck them behind your ears for you. Sometimes he did. He remembers when you’d be on top of him, kissing him senseless, and they’d come lose and tickle his face. Somehow it would make the whole thing more sensual, with his laughs and your giggles.

He feels his face flush as the memories of nights like those creep back into his head. He shouldn’t think of you like that, not after all this time. Not with how things turned out. And especially not at his father’s funeral.

JJ had come over to you once his father was safely tucked away in the ground, six feet under. You’d attended the service at the church, hiding near the back, and then the burial, and as everybody else departed to give JJ ‘a moment’ (whatever the hell that meant), he’d turned to find you stood near a bench, lost in thought.

“It was nice of you to come,” JJ thanks.

“I’m surprised none of the others are here.”

“They don’t know. I sort of kept it close to the chest,” JJ admits. “I’m actually impressed by the turnout.”

You go to laugh and JJ sees you stifle it. It helps him ease up, smile a real smile for a second, as wicked as that sounds.

“People have layers, I guess.”

“Not my dad.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

You meet his gaze again. Your eyes make it clear that you haven’t shed a tear and neither had JJ. He wasn’t sure if maybe that would come later, once the so-called shock had worn off. He doubted it though. And yet, there was a haze of sadness about him. Death is weird as a whole. The death of a parent like JJ’s, even weirder. Maybe it wasn’t just the funeral causing the sadness. Maybe it was you.

JJ makes a move to leave but before he can even shift his foot one whole step, you’re talking.

“Do you wanna come back to mine? We could catch up. I’m sure you’ve been doing all sorts since I last saw you. Maybe have a drink or two, for old times’ sake?”

“Oh, I don’t drink anymore.”

“Oh,” you say. A pause for thought, then, “well, I have orange juice.”

It’s a strange thing to offer in place of a bottle of beer or glass of wine. Most people would say a cup of coffee. But no - orange juice: that’s where your mind went. It makes JJ smile. It seems so on-par for you to offer him that.

“Okay. Sure. Orange juice sounds good.”

“Do you need a moment, before we leave?” you ask, glancing back over your shoulder to the gravesite of JJ’s deceased father.

The dirt atop of his plot is fresh and stark brown against the green grass. JJ stares a second. The groundkeeper is dusting some muck off the gravestone. The funeral director had offered him a fine granite with award winning chiselling, after recognising JJ from the articles of El Dorado and assuming some high-placed budget. JJ had opted for a simple thing though. Cheap and likely to be hard to read within half a decade. It’s what Luke deserved. Probably what he would have invested into JJ, if the roles were reversed.

“No, I don’t. We can go,” JJ says, voice vacant. He looks back to you. “I’ll drive.”

You don’t live in your childhood home anymore. The place that you’ve settled in is a small home in a sweet looking neighbourhood. In fact, it seems the only part of Kildare that feels familiar to JJ. The front garden is quaint but well kept, with trimmed grass and flower beds that clearly garner a lot of attention and care. The fence is in need of a lick of paint: the blue fading and peeling. A sticky note is attached to the door frame of the front door and it makes JJ smile. ‘Doorbell’s fucked – shout “ding dong” really loud’.

“This is a step up,” JJ says.

“Nice, right? My neighbour is a dick though. Always complaining that I leave my driveway light on in the middle of the night. As if I can even afford to that.”

JJ chuckles as he follows you inside. There’s an instant warm smell that hits him. JJ can’t seem to describe it in any other way than that it smells like you. The interior is safe and homely. The wallpaper and wooden floors pair nicely with the throw pillows and crystals and plants and flowers. Fairy lights are strung from end to end. A kitchen, open plan, feeds nicely into a sitting room. A dining table is tucked in the corner which seemingly functions more as a desk: books piled atop with sheets of paper strewn out. There’s a small corridor to the right and the walls are lined with framed pictures which JJ can’t make out from where he’s stood. He assumes it must lead to a bathroom and bedroom. It isn’t unlived in though. There’s a small pile of clothes which need ironing; they’re sat in a basket, next to the TV. Near the backdoor is an arts and crafts project of some kind strewn about on the floor in organised chaos, blocking the exit.

It's still early in the afternoon so you don’t bother flicking on a light, instead opting to soak in the last few hours of daylight before dusk. Kie used to compare you to a cat, basking in the sun and chasing the rays until there was none left to follow.

JJ closes the door behind him and leans against it.

“You can take your shoes off, if you want.”

“Alright,” he mumbles. He toes them off and kicks them to the side, amongst a pile of your own. He notices how there’s nobody else’s shoes there: just yours, and now his.

You pour out two glasses of orange juice and turn around, handing one to him. He takes it, lost in thought. It all feels surreal, stood here with you, after a five-year pause. When you go to the sofa to sit, he assumes he should follow. You sit on opposite ends. A part of him wonders why you haven’t stretched out your legs and dumped your feet in his lap. ‘These stink’, JJ jokes, poking your toes. You wiggle his fingers off. ‘Shut up, no they don’t.’ Force of habit: he always seems to get stuck on that past. Instead, you go to pull one of your legs up onto the sofa, and JJ flicks his eyes around the room another time. He sips his juice.

“So…” You start. “Any news?”

“Well, my dad died, so there’s that.”

You kick out your leg, aiming for his thigh. “Come on now. Be serious.”

“I am; you were at the funeral. Thought you might remember that,” JJ jokes.

Rolling your eyes mirthfully, you have a sip of your juice. The sun paints shapes on the coffee table, weaving through the thin curtains that line your window. It makes your skin glow, healthy and happy. He’s torn between staring at your face and remembering every detail of your features and avoiding you completely.

“When did you move in here? It’s nice.”

“About two years ago. Mom and dad are still at the old place. They’ve rented out my room though, for tourists and stuff.”

“That’s nice of them,” JJ snorts. “How’s your brother? Is he doing good?”

“He is. He’s at college actually. Graduates later this year.”

“The fuck? That’s so trippy,” JJ mumbles, almost to himself.

JJ can remember your brother as nothing more than a preteen, sulking around the house and begging for rides to soccer practice. Now he’s nearly got a whole ass degree. His eyes naturally fixate on the dining-table-come-desk in the corner.

“What do you do for work then?”

“I’m a teacher at Kildare high.”

Of course you are. JJ smiles, eyes still fixated on the table. It seems to prompt you to continue.

“It’s kinda weird sometimes cause some of the old farts still work there,” you say.

“Oh shit. Mr Rumble still there?” JJ asks, perking up a little, meeting your gaze.

You laugh. “Mr Rummel does still work there, yeah. Still likes to bring you up to me, actually.”

“Really? In what way?”

“Just likes to add the odd little ‘you remember when your boyfriend used to steal my stapler’ kinda things.”

JJ’s laugh is different this time. The word ‘boyfriend’ coming out of your mouth has his thoughts short circuiting. You glance down at your juice and swirl it around the cup.

“Anyway, it’s a pretty good gig. I like teaching, and I actually think I’m making a difference to some of these kids lives sometimes, which is sort of strange.”

“I bet you are. You were always good at helping people,” JJ tells you. Your smile turns soft.

“Thanks, JayJ.”

The nickname is like another sucker punch to the chest. JJ takes it like a champ. Washes it down with water; pretends there’s vodka in there somewhere.

“How are the others, then?” you ask. “How are they?”

“Good. Happy. John B and Sarah are expecting a kid soon.”

“Fuck off.”

“No joke,” JJ laughs. He leans back into the sofa, reclining in the soft throw pillows. It’s strange how easily relaxed he is in this new setting. “They’re debating between two names. Esmeralda or Eton.”

“No. Please God, tell me you’re joking.”

“I wish,” JJ snorts. “Not that I got much of a leg to stand on.”

“What do you mean?” you frown. You lean over and place your juice down on the coffee table.

“JJ? Kinda dumb name.” JJ has a sip of his own before mirroring your actions.

“Hardly. ‘John James’ is pretty proper sounding to me.”

“Meh.” JJ shrugs and props an arm up on the back of the sofa.

“What about Kie, and Pope?”

“Kie is on her environmentalist shit. Investing in rebuilding the coral and things. Pope is studying like crazy. Got a good job lined up too.”

“Only Pope would get a degree when he has literal gold in his savings,” you chuckle. “Didn’t you buy a shop too, or something?”

“A little surf shop with John B, yeah,” JJ nods, smiling proud. The surf shop is something that he would always take pride in. What felt like a pipedream was now his nine-to-five. “It’s doing real good, actually. We’re thinking about expanding.”

“Well, that’s good,” you say, nodding. The two of you lock eyes. Your smile holds steady. “I’m happy for you, JJ. Really.”

“Thanks,” he says. “I’m glad you’re doing good, too.”

And now the polite small talk is over and the catch-up is done. It’s so bizarre seeing someone again after so long. So many things in life have passed – relationships, jobs, fights, conversations, achievements, ailments – but when you finally come to sum it up, it only takes ten minutes. Going through a heartbreak lasts for months, but then a year later and the relationship is summed up in a sentence or two. Time doesn’t only heal, but it also shrinks. It seems to have shrunk whatever used to exist between yourself and JJ too, as you both sit, searching for things to talk about which avoid the dark and ugly. Things which avoid the obvious.

“Do you think you’ll stick around in Kildare for a bit?”

“I don’t know. I ain't really thought about it,” JJ admits. “I weren't even sure if I was gonna go to the funeral.”

“Where are you staying tonight?” you wonder.

He laughs to himself and shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. “I have no idea. Probably just crash in my truck.”

“You’re loaded as fuck and you’re gonna crash in your truck?” you laugh. It isn’t mean when you say it. Just amused.  

“I don’t know. You don’t really get used to having money when you grew up without it. I still feel guilty buying a new pair of boots or something when my old ones ain't coming apart at the soles and shit.”

You nod. “That makes sense. Eminem had a similar thing.”

“Yeah, I’ve always thought me and Eminem were similar,” JJ deadpans.

It seems to strike well with you because you’re cracking up, laughing like he’s just told the best joke you’ve ever heard. He smiles. He always liked making you laugh. You have a horrendous laugh: truly awful. Cats in a bag being bashed against the wall-howling dog parade level of terrible. JJ loved it though. He used to tickle you just to hear it. Watching you now, head titled back, eyes shut and mouth agape, guffawing like a damn hyena…He feels like throwing up.

“Sorry, that…That was good,” you chuckle, wiping your eyes and catching your breath. “You were always good at making me laugh.”

“Fuck knows why,” JJ chuckles.

“Cause you’re funny,” you reply, as if its obvious. “You were always funny.”

It’s strange how the tone of the conversation rises and falls like a mountain range the longer the two of you sit on the sofa.

Your smile turns sombre, like when someone reminisces over a funny memory of their dead pet. Nice at first, amused, and then dampened with the reminder that those times have passed.

“It’s weird, to be honest. You’re so different now but you’re also still JJ.”

“Different how?”

“I don’t know,” you sigh. You glance around the room for a moment, as if you’d find the answer hidden in code on the spine of the books stacked on the windowsill. You look at him again. “Your face looks different.”

“It does?” JJ asks. He lifts a hand and strokes his jaw. He could do with a shave, he supposes. The vanity tries to bite through to ask how, but before he can, you’re talking again.

“You don’t drink,” you add, nodding to the orange juice still sat on the coffee table. “You’re quieter. Less…”

You seem to lose the words and so you gesture with your hands. Explosion.

“Calmer. Sadder, but not sad.”

“I can’t tell if these are good things or not,” JJ says, half-joking.

“You look at me different too.”

That makes him pause. He meets your eyes and holds your gaze, steady. The whole room shifts in a moment, from carefree catch-up to tense confrontation.

“Different?”

“Yeah. You look at me different.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” JJ mutters, going to reach for his drink.

“Yes, you do, JJ.”

Your smile is gone now. He can tell, catching it from his peripheral. Suddenly he doesn’t want to be here. Doesn’t want to be in Kildare, doesn’t want to be in this house, in this room.

“You could at least acknowledge it, you know?”

“I don’t understand—”

“It’s actually more rude to not acknowledge it,” you snip.

“I’m not being rude, I’m just making conversation. You’re the one who’s got me on blast like you’re some God damn therapist,” JJ hits back, meeting your steely stare.

“You feel like you’re on blast?”

“I feel like I’m being observed, that’s for fucking sure.”

“Maybe you are. Maybe you are being observed, JJ,” you return, voice harsh and cutting like how a blade slices through paper. “Because it’s fucking weird having you back.”

“You’re the one that invited me here.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it,” you say.

JJ takes a breath and closes his eyes. The anger never went away, despite what you’ve just told him, he just got older. Got better at hiding it. Got enough money to try therapy. He takes another moment to breathe through it. Push it down his throat and back into his stomach and let it burn out in the acid.

“I’m sorry,” you quietly say. The venom is gone. “I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry.”

He isn’t sure why – can’t pinpoint a perfect reason behind it – but behind his eyelids, JJ feels tears swell. Feels his lips twitch like a child when they hit their funny bone. His next breath in is shaky.

“JJ?”

“Just…”

His voice cracks and he clears it, shaking his head. He wants to open his eyes but he’s scared he’ll start crying, and he’s not doing that, not right now, not today. It’s not even you. You’d seen him cry before. Held him through it and patched him up; made him smile after the sadness. But he refuses to cry today because he can’t give his dad that satisfaction, even if it’s not about him. Opening his eyes, no tears escape. He reaches for the juice and downs it.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that,” he snaps. Then, softer, “please.”

You nod. There’s a quiet. Then, you move to stand and he closes his eyes again because it’s a struggle for you to stand. It’s a struggle. He rubs a hand over his mouth as if trying to shove the welling emotions back inside. There’s the sound of running water in the background as JJ tries to gather himself. The crack-crack-crack of a gas stove turning on and then the clink of metal on metal. You’ve put the kettle on, boiling water. There’s the tinker of porcelain mugs being taken off a stand. He seems to zone in on the peaceful sounds of you making coffee.

When you pour water into the mugs, he remembers the sound of your voice years back. ‘Did you know humans have the ability to hear the difference between hot and cold water being poured?’ ‘Why the fuck do you know that?’ ‘I don’t know. Just thought it was interesting.’

As the teaspoon repeatedly brushes against the inside of the cup as you stir in the instant coffee and milk, JJ finally feels all the emotions even out. As your footsteps make their way back over to him, you flick on the lamp by the front door. JJ opens his eyes to see you place a steaming cup of Joe in front of him on the coffee table. The mug is cute. It’s peach pink and says “I’m drinking tea instead of committing crimes” on the front in an innocent type-writer print.

“Cute mug.”

“Thanks. Thought of you.”

He silently laughs. You sit closer to him this time and your mug sits next to his. There’s no funny quote written across the paint. Then your hand is on his back, barely rubbing him, and it hits JJ that this is the first time you’ve touched him in five years.

“I shouldn’t have gotten so angry,” you tell him. “It ain’t my place to say any of that. Especially not today.”

“It’s true, though. That’s the kicker, ain’t it? That it’s true,” JJ replies.

He sighs and leans back, sitting upright once more. Your hand falls away and you clasp it in the other in your lap. He glances down and takes in your side profile. That stupid piece of hair has come lose again, fallen in your face. He distracts his twitching fingers by twisting one of his rings.

“I’m okay, you know,” you tell him. You look up and meet his eyes. Yours are damp with emotion, just like his were moments earlier. “I’m really okay.”

“You almost weren’t though.”

“Is that the problem? That I almost wasn’t?”

“It’s not the problem. You were never a problem.”

“I ain't mean it like that,” you tell him. You shake your head and JJ isn’t entirely sure why. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Am I the reason that you left Kildare?”

A bird calls outside and JJ seems to latch onto it like a lifeline. That question makes him feel stranded and scared. He wasn’t ready for it despite being fully prepared.

“I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?”

“I…It ain't that simple.”

“Can you explain it to me, maybe?” you wonder. There’s no wrath to your tone anymore – no vendetta against him. There’s just curiosity and care, and this wonderful tenderness that JJ always associated with you from day one, when you offered him your cap to keep his hair off his face.

“I didn’t like the person I was in Kildare.”

“Okay,” you quietly say.

“I didn’t like how I acted. I didn’t like how reckless I was, and how I didn’t care who got hurt in the process.”

“Like me?”

JJ swallows. He doesn’t tear his eyes from yours though. “Yeah. Like you.”

“Okay,” you repeat, quieter still, nodding.

“After El Dorado, coming back here, everything felt tainted. I just…I needed to escape it. My dad and my past and…And you. I couldn’t face it. I felt like I’d caused some freak accident and had gotten away, and then I'd come back to face the aftermath and I just couldn’t stomach it. I just ran.”

You nod.

“I just ran,” he hears himself repeat. “And I’m not proud of it. Of any of it.”

“Okay.”

“And I wanted to fix things, but I didn’t know how. Every time I thought of coming back to Kildare, or picking up the phone, or going on Instagram and finding you…I just got so fucking scared, like a stupid shithead kid. I was so scared of becoming the guy I was again.”

And, again, you nod. When he doesn’t continue, you fill the space. “How long have you been sober?”

“The minute I left Kildare.”

“Fuck.”

“Cold turkey. It sucked ass. It still does. You don’t miss it any less. I miss the rage too, sometimes. I miss my dad sometimes, too. Miss him beating on me. How fucked up is that? That I miss him beating on me?”

You don’t seem to know what to say to that. You just look down at the coffee mugs and watch how the steam is slowly but surely going away.

“I am sorry. I know that ain't worth anything, but I am sorry.”

“It is worth something.” You clear your throat, voice coming out stronger when you say, “It’s worth everything.”

Your smile comes back, timid and tiny. You meet eyes for the millionth time that night.

“It feels like I’ve been ready for you to come back, for so long, and now you’re actually here and…I don’t even know where to start.” He watches your tongue dart out and wet your lips. “I wasn’t expecting you to look so good.”

“Disappointed?”

“Massively. I would have got my ass in the gym more if I knew it was a Goddamn competition.”

JJ smiles. “You were always a sore loser.”

“Says you,” you snort.

There’s another peak in the conversation after the long slug of the last dip. It’s so bizarre. So wonderfully bizarre.

“I’m proud of you, for getting sober. Do you feel better for it?”

“Depends.”

“Well, you look better for it,” you say.

“You’re drooling, I think,” JJ teases, reaching a finger out to prod your cheek.

Rolling your eyes, you mirthfully bat his hand away. “You’re hallucinating.”

“Well, withdrawal does crazy things,” he quips back.

You chuckle and shake your head. “I missed you like crazy.”

“I miss you too.”

Your lips part a little with that. Miss. You seem to hesitate to hold his gaze then, like it’s too intense. JJ feels as though he can see every emotion flash across your face in a second, like watching a car crash in slow motion. Surprise, shock, joy, anger, then sadness. It’s that sadness that hammers hard when you speak, voice weak.

“You left without saying anything, JJ. For five years. You just left me.”

“Don’t make it sound like that. Like I abandoned you.”

“But you did,” you whisper. The tears are back. You’ve both fallen from the top of the mountain. “You abandoned me.”

“You don’t get it,” JJ replies, voice suddenly thick.

“I was in it with you.”

“You didn’t see it,” JJ forces out. His tears are falling: they didn’t wait this time. “You didn’t see how it looked – how you looked. You looked so fucking fragile and tiny and small and your leg was so bent and twisted and black – it was black – and I thought you were already dead.”

Your breathing is shaky and broken. The two of you sit on your sofa in the sunset, eyes locked, tears streaming, chests heaving like you’ve run a marathon. The word ‘dead’ hangs in the air and haunts the room.

“I thought you were dead, and I thought it was because of me.”

“Do you hate me for it?”

“Why the fuck would I—”

“Because I didn’t die? Do you hate me for it?”

JJ blinks back his bewilderment. He physically shifts back in his seat, as if you just spat in his face. Horrified, he tells you, “Of course I don’t. Why would you even ask me that?”

“Because I’m still here, JJ. But you acted like I wasn’t for five years. You didn’t even come see me in the hospital. Didn’t sit with me in the ambulance. Hell, you can’t even look at my leg now! You think I didn’t notice? At the graveyard, and now. You think I can’t see it on your face?”

JJ whispers your name in a tearful plea. Stop.

“I’m still here, JJ. And I invited you back here, and I went to the funeral, because I wanted to see you.”

“To show me what I did?” JJ asks, harsher than needed.

You hold his gaze. “To show you I’m okay.”

He shakes his head, insistent. “It was my fault. If I hadn’t been drinking and if I’d been thinking straight, I would have never let you jump off the bike like that. It was fucking reckless and stupid and I would never, ever do it again. It was all my fault.”

“I don’t care who’s fault it was, JJ,” you whisper. Your hand reaches out and traces his cheek and jaw, and he can’t help but lean into your warm touch. There you sit, cradling his face as if he was the victim in this whole thing. It calms him almost immediately. “Nobody forced me on that bike. Nobody forced me to jump, not even you.”

“I shouldn’t have let you.”

“JJ,” you sigh.

He closes his eyes as you shift in your spot, and somehow you end up with your forehead pressed against his. He reaches out one of his hands for the other of yours that rests in your lap and he clenches it, tight. You’re both still crying but they’re silent tears now.

“I forgive you, JJ.”

He shakes his head whilst you nod.

“Yes, I do, I forgive you. I always have. You know why?”

He doesn’t speak. Doesn’t move.

“Because you were dealt the shitest hand I’ve ever known and look who you are. You’re sober, and you're healthy, and you have loving friends and a steady income and a job which you love, and a boathouse, and so much of your life left. And you didn’t kill anyone. You didn’t kill me, JJ. You didn’t even lose me.”

“I don’t—”

“We’re more than our mistakes.”

When JJ opens his eyes, you pull back enough to let him meet your gaze. As if you know what he’s about to ask, you smile. That smile…JJ feels like he’s coming home.

“You’re more than your mistakes, JJ.”

The moment his lips slot against yours, tentative and hesitant, like a bird exploring new ground for the first time, he’s home. There’s hardly a moment of reluctance, of confusion and mismatch from the time passed, before you’re kissing him back. The softness of your lips against his and the brush of your tongue. The sigh in your voice and the tilt of your head. It’s so seamless and sweet and safe. JJ feels safe here, with you. He feels like all the shit doesn’t matter. He feels like sober might actually be synonymous with happiness, with you. When he lies you down on the sofa, JJ doesn’t want to leave this room, this house, or Kildare. He wants to stay here, worshipping you, breathing you in until you consume all of his senses, because after five years, nothing has made him feel as alive as this. As you.

Everything is a wonderful illusion of being rushed and well-paced all at once. He revels in the way your skin gives gently beneath the scrape of his teeth. When he sucks at your throat, the skin is so delicate, and this close to you JJ can smell nothing but your perfume. He wants to fucking drown in it.

“Fuck, I missed you,” he pants. You’re gasping too. Fingers sliding through his hair, down his sides, along his face.

“I missed you,” you whine.

And that phrase gets repeated over and over like a mantra or a prayer. He hears himself whispering it against your skin with every button he undoes on your blouse. Basks in the sound of your voice, older and mature but still you, as you say it whilst pushing his dress shirt off his shoulder.

There’s a stalling pause when his fingers finish tracing down your stomach to your pants. You seem to notice it. Your hand comes to his face and thumbs at his cheek. They’re still sticky from dried tears.

“JJ,” you whisper, coaxing his attention back to your face. You’re glowing. You’re happy, you’re healthy, and you’re here. “It’s okay.” Nodding, you repeat. “It’s okay.”

Then, he watches your own fingers land on the button of your pants, slowly undoing it. Then the other and the third until they’re lose. He watches you wriggle out of them, pulling them down, struggling somewhat from the tight position on the sofa. Watches the scars emerge, faint but clear, and how they grow and spread like ivy on the side of a house. They merge with the cellulite and stretch marks. With a random bruise you must’ve gotten from hitting your leg on the table the other day. They’re a part of you – plain and simple. At the knee, there’s the connection for your prosthetic right leg. Once your trousers are off, JJ finds himself reaching out to touch it. This thing that he was partly responsible for, this marvel of medicine, the reason you can walk. He loves it and hates it desperately all at once. Glancing back up to your face, you’re watching him just as carefully as he was watching you. But you’re smiling.

“You’re okay,” JJ finds himself saying quietly. Because you are. You’re here, laying almost bare before him, just like you had years before.

“It’s rude to make a girl wait, JJ,” you tease.

With that, JJ’s smile is blossoming back like the returning of spring flowers following a brutal winter. He leans forward and catches himself above you with his arms, kissing you like you’re all the oxygen in the world. Your left leg rubs at his calf, still covered by his trousers, and you giggle against his mouth.

“Fuck, I missed this,” you say. “I missed you.”

“How much?”

“So much,” you say.

“Oh yeah? What’d you miss?” JJ persists, kissing down your neck.

“Your mouth,” you say through a moan. His hands slip behind your back and unclasp your bra. You arch your back enough for him to tug it off.

“My mouth?” he wonders, breathing it against your skin. You’re practically writhing. JJ laughs. “What about my mouth?”

“Don’t be a jackass, JJ,” you mutter.

“You want my mouth?”

“Yes,” you quietly beg.

“You do?” he checks, kissing over your breast, sucking at your nipple. “Where do you want it?”

“You fucking know where,” you sigh, impatience shining through.

He grins at the sudden hitch of your moan as he softly nips at the sensitive skin around your nipple. Then he’s kissing down your stomach until finally his fingers hook into the sides of your panties. He slowly, tauntingly, pulls them down. You kick them off at the ankles, a clear act of frustration, and he bites back his laugh.

“What? Here?” JJ plants a kiss to your hipbone. “You want my mouth here? Or…”

Another kiss, to your pelvic bone.

“Here?”

“Fuck you, Maybank.”

“You wanna?”

“I swear to fucking God,” you huff, laughing through the annoyance.

With that, JJ settles himself between your legs and praises you like you deserve to be. The noises you make are downright evil, considering he can do nothing about it and has to hold it together. You taste so familiar on his tongue.

“Fucking missed you,” he groans against you.

When he sucks on your clit, your hands latch into his hair. Your back is arching and you’re gasping and panting and desperate, and JJ feels like a young God. Pulling back, he slips a finger into your hole and it welcomes him so easily. He cusses at how wet you are.

“Come on baby. Come on, I know you’re close.”

The tells of your body haven’t changed since the last time you two were in this position. The way your mouth hangs open in a silent moan when you fall over the edge is so surreal to see after five years apart. He feels you spasms around him and basks in the scratch of your nails against his scalp as you try to ground yourself. He hardly has time to suck his fingers clean before your pulling his mouth to yours and kissing him stupid.

“Fucking missed you,” you repeat against his mouth, making him laugh. “Nobody fucks me as good as you.”

“Jesus Christ, you can’t say shit like that,” JJ chuckles. “Won’t last.”

“Don’t care,” you say. “Only thing bigger than your ego is your dick.”

JJ can’t help but laugh at that. He loves your giggles in response. And then your hands are shoving at his trousers and the humour is gone, replaced with nothing but raw lust and desperation. There’s nothing performative about it, when the two of you hurry to strip his clothes away as soon as possible. He takes note to get his socks off. You’d always had a weird thing about it, sex in socks, and nothing was going to taint this night. Not after so long.

Being inside you…JJ missed it more than all the alcohol and weed in the world. Nothing compared to the feeling of you clenching around him. The vice of your leg hitched up and over his back as he grips into your thigh, mean and firm, perfecting the angle. The senseless, endless whines falling from your agape mouth, eyes closed tight, lost in the feeling of it. JJ wants nothing to be less than perfect for you, for this. Every stroke, every kiss, every clench of his fingers…it all has to be perfect. He knows when you’re close and he’s more than fucking relieved. It’s taking everything in him not to come. He needs you to fall over the edge first.

“Do the thing,” you whine. “Do the thing, John.”

With that, JJ remembers five years back, to late nights and later mornings spent rolling in bed with you. He bites into his lip, holding back his shit-eating grin as the memories flood back, and he leans forward to your ear. Gently taking the lobe within his teeth, he croons into the shell of your ear.

“That’s my good fucking girl.”

And finally, you fall apart, taking JJ with you like you always would.

When the high finally passes and the endorphins settle down, the two of you are laying on the sofa, only covered by a throw blanket JJ had dragged down from the back of the sofa. You’ve somehow shuffled so you’re laying mostly atop of him. His arms are locked around your damp stomach like a vice, nose nestled into your hair, just behind your ear, breathing you in with every inhale.

“Will you stay in Kildare, just for a short while? For me?”

JJ wants to laugh but he knows how wrong that would be in this moment. The humour doesn’t come from the question, but from the notion that he’d leave after finally having you back in his life, safe and happy, after five long years.

“Anything,” he whispers, pressing a kiss against your hair. Anything for you.

-

“You look like shit by the way,” JJ says.

His hands are warm in his cargo pant pockets. Head tilted down and gaze steady, he sighs.

“Guess you didn’t have chance to clean up though, right?”

Shockingly, the gravestone says nothing back. Well, says nothing asides form Luke Maybank in barely legible font.

It still feels surreal, that his dad is gone. That they’d never remedy anything, or even attempt to fix their relationship. That JJ wouldn’t be able to face him and show him what he’d become. How he’d risen past it all and grown from the pain and the agony. That he’d taken the shitty hand that he was dealt and turned it into nothing but flushes and full houses. That he hadn’t grown into a petty criminal or a tax-evading lowlife, but a strong, good-willed, well-intentioned man. The thought, bittersweet at heart, makes him smile.

“I’m happy dad. I know you probably hate that, being dead and all, but I am.”

As if on cue, there’s the high pitch giggles from afar that catch JJ’s attention. He glances over to spot you and your wonderful mini-you, sitting on your shoulders, waving at him. He waves back, small and short, smiling.

“I’m glad you never met her,” JJ tells his dad, never tearing his eyes away from the pair of you. You ease her off your shoulders and take her hand, pointing to a small bed of daffodils. “I was so scared I’d be bad at this. I was so scared that I’d be like you.”

She’s so fragile as she picks a flower free from the bunch, holding it by the stem, up to you. You nod and presumably smile in approval.

“But I’ll never be like you. She’ll never know what it feels like to live in fear,” JJ states, firmly. He looks back down to the grave. “I’m not your mistakes, and I’m not mine.”

He lowers to a squat and wipes some of the dirt off the stone, revealing the dates. “Happy birthday, dad. You suck, and I hope you’re finally at peace.”

“Daddy, daddy…”

There’s an insistent tug at his jacket sleeve. JJ smiles and looks down at the best mistake he ever made. Mistake is a strong word. ‘Oops, I think is better’, you’d said when you first showed him the pregnancy test.

“What’s up, bub?”

“I found this flower. Can I give it to papa?”

JJ takes the daffodil and glances to the grave. A brief moment of anger passes over him like the breeze of winter. He doesn’t deserve this. He isn’t your papa. I’m glad he’s dead. But he closes his eyes and breathes. Your hand squeezing gently at his shoulder tells him you’re there. It helps ground him.

“Yeah, bub. I think that’d be nice,” he smiles, handing it back.

She giggles as she puts it on the grass just before the stone. Her laughter is brighter and louder still when JJ scoops her up as he stands, looping her around him until she’s a backpack.

“You wanna get ice cream?”

“Hell yeah,” you whoop.

“Hell yeah!” mini-you copies. JJ laughs.

“Alrighty, lets go.”

As the three of you make the small walk back to the car, you intertwine your fingers with JJ’s, holding his hand tight and secure. JJ takes one last glance back at the gravestone. It all began here, in a way, the re-introduction to a life he thought he’d lost. Perhaps the nicest thing JJ’s dad ever did, the kindest act he ever performed, was dying. Perhaps that was his way of paying him back for all the crap he gave.

“Hey.”

JJ glances down at you.

“You okay?”

He smiles. Then, he nods. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

Everything is going to be okay.

#JJ #JJ Maybank #JJ x reader #JJ Maybank x reader #jj x oc #jj maybank x oc #outer banks #outerbanks #outer banks jj #outerbanks jj #outer banks jj x reader #outerbanks jj x reader #outer banks fic #outerbanks fic

[yamujiburo]

I'm so thankful for you sharing the importance of protecting minors from sexual content. My parents and I didn't have much knowledge back then and I was exposed to this kind of stuff too early. I developed bad habits. I somehow deceived my family into trusting me way too much and, when I saw I had lost control and I asked for help, I saw my family was also hurt and they spent a lot on therapy and my anxiety medication. I have forgiven them for not knowing back them. But I still haven't forgiven myself for getting them through all that stuff. It's important to understand how much we need to protect minors from sexual content. Family members and artists, please pay attention to the content young audience is exposed to.

Of course! I can relate a lot to this. My parents were really good at monitoring what I was doing online for a while but they started trusting me more and I unfortunately started seeing a lot of stuff I shouldn't have but would keep it secret. Gonna talk about my experience a lil bit under the cut just bc I've been reflecting on it a lot recently (tw for grooming)

I gained a following of around 25K on deviantart by the time I was around 15/16. It was in the worst fandom too (mlp). I'd have a lot of much older men talking to me, drawing/writing nsfw of my characters who were underaged (they'd draw nsfw of myself and my sonas as well). It was so normalized for me and I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time.

I'd shipped Spike and Rarity at the time (very much do not anymore) and adult men would use that ship as a basis for trying to talk to me or get in a relationship. "We're just like Sparity! You're young but you're very mature for your age, so it's fine." I remember one guy trying REALLY hard to try and get me to move in with him. I was pretty creeped out then, but like holy shit that's SUPER creepy and I'm fortunate that he didn't keep trying after I gave him a hard "no".

It bled into my real life a bit when I met a 22 y/o man who asked me out when I was just 16 just turning 17. Luckily the relationship was NOT long lasting (I think he realized that I'm a very boring person LMAO) but I think about how I thought that that was a perfectly normal. I'd date go on to date people who were probably too old for me.

Also around when I was 16/17, people started shipping me with another artist in the fandom who was several years older than I was (side note: nothing wrong with an age gap! but it's very not okay when there's "waiting" for someone to be of legal age involved). I did end up dating said artist after I turned 18 and it was fine, I wasn't hurt or anything but I did find weird that we were shipped when I was still a teenager looking back (there was also nsfw drawn of us together before/when we were dating)

I just had such a warped sense of reality for a long because of this shit. I'm glad there's more conversations about this stuff and it's more known that adults should have little to no personal interaction with kids on the internet and vice versa. There's way too many stories of kids getting taken advantage of in fandom spaces. I think I got off fairly lucky all things considered. But bottom line YES kids need to be protected online and their exposure to sexual content/adult spaces should be limited or monitored. It's also really tough though because not all kids have adults in their real life that they can trust or go to to ask questions about sex so they seek solace in adults online and it's just a constant cycle.

I'm honestly unsure of what to do about that and I don't have all the answers but I ultimately just don't want kids online to end up in similar positions I was in when I was younger. I just do my best

#tw grooming #long post

[rollercoasterwords]

ok personal top 5 least favorite responses 2 lambpost:

1. terfs going ‘woman moment’ -> your politics are rooted in a fundamental reinvestment in the very sex binaries that undergird patriarchal power & your analysis of this post is shallow & mean-spirited. immediate block

2. ‘get therapy LOL’ -> health itself is a social construct as is mental health & therapy is not a neutral institution. your assumption that anything deemed strange/abnormal/uncomfortable must be the result of an emotional state in need of ‘fixing’ indicates a lack of critical self-reflection as to how and within what institutional confines your own ideas about what is ‘normal’ & ‘healthy’ have developed

3. ‘wait is this deep & meaningful or is it weird & horny i can’t tell’ -> your inability to reconcile the fact that the erotic can be meaningful & the grotesque sexual paired with your assumption that art must have a single, fundamental True meaning is tiresome

4. ‘oh yeah well i’m NOT the priest’s favorite sacrificial lamb because i bite & kick & fight back’ etc etc -> ok. why r u on the priest’s favorite sacrificial lamb post then

5. ‘clearly the Actual Meaning of this post is X & anyone interacting w it in a different way is a freak/brain damaged/incapable of critical thought/etc’ -> do u enjoy the pedestal u have built for urself. does it make u feel special.

personal top 5 favorite responses 2 lambpost:

1. this comic by @honeyedheartss -> beautiful & i am always thinking abt it <3

2. these tags by @unclemagnemite -> genuinely a fresh & fun interpretation i had not considered which added something new 2 my own experience of a post i wrote. also very funny

3. people making webweave posts w supernatural & succession characters -> this is what social media is meant for. also ur so right that character is definitely the priest’s favorite sacrificial lamb…

4. this fanart by @penaltyboxboxbox -> idk who that man is or why he’s the favorite sacrificial lamb but i think it’s so cool how his guts r out

5. this comment on tiktok -> let’s all hold hands & become alpha wolfs. together <3

#lambpost #have read so many comments on so many different social media platforms over the past 48 hrs. this is my main takeaway #also 2 be clear not trying 2 say people aren’t allowed 2 be annoying abt lambpost obv that just comes w sharing art… #like yeah u can interpret it & take from it whatever u want. however sometimes i will think it’s annoying lmao #txt

[thelostgirl21]

I wish there was a way to clearly say:

I'm personally comfortable being called a "woman", only because I have the sexual dimorphism typically associated with a female of the human species, and that's how other people see me as when they look at my physical appearance; nothing more.

While making 100% sure not to accidentally bring any harm to the trans community, or making it sound like one's gender identity should always match their physical appearance, when that's far from being the case.

Because, until very recently, I'd always been calling myself "a girl", or "a woman" exclusively based on how I physically look.

To me, defining myself as "a woman", has always been the equivalent of describing an external characteristic of my body that others are able to see.

- I'm a woman.

- I'm 5'7''.

- I have brown eyes.

- etc.

It's always been exactly the same to me. It's what you can physically see, not who I am.

Somehow, it's like I completely forgot to develop a sense of personal identity tied to "being a woman" while I was growing up.

I could wake up tomorrow with a body that has the sexual dimorphism of a male of my species instead, have everyone call me a man and suddenly have to live my life as one, and I'd have only ONE problem with it.

Just the one.

My partner is a heterosexual man, so that would be a challenge.

But otherwise, I think I'd just be really curious to explore the physiological differences between my prior body and my new body, and then move on with my life without changing a single thing to the things I like, my behavior in general, personal interests, probably the way I like to dress, too, etc.

I'd just be "looking more masculine" while doing it.

It would be like having blonde short hair instead of my current brown long hair.

The rest of the world would treat me differently as a man, sure! But that wouldn't reflect how I identify or feel inside about who I am.

Just how others now see me as and choose to socially treat me.

My gender, to me, is something that's always existed outside of myself.

I have no personal use for it, nor is it a part of my personality.

I guess I've often been gender-non-conforming, too, not because I was attempting to rebel against my own gender, felt a need to distance myself from the binary, or anything... But just because I've never seen the point of it.

I've had boyfriends telling me that it was like I wanted to be the "man in the relationship", and being upset that I wasn't letting them play their role at times (that hasn't really been an issue with women, oddly enough); and I broke up with them without looking back, because what the fuck was that even supposed to mean?

I wasn't trying to behave like a man or a woman, I was just being myself, and adopting the social roles and behaviors I'm comfortable with. If you can't love me as I am, then what am I supposed to do?

Younger, I've had little boys back at school telling me that "it was weird for a girl to like certain things or express herself a certain way", and my response has always pretty much been to shrug, go "guess I'm a weird girl then", and then continue doing things my way.

(Yes, I'm aware that I've been very privileged to live in a world where I've merely been occasionally bullied or suffered verbal micro-agressions for ignoring the social standards set for "little girls"... Then again, I've probably embraced some of them!

I loved playing with my "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe set", or walking around with a lightsaber pretending to be Luke Skywalker... But I was cool with "My Little Poney" (the originals) and "Rainbow Bright", too!

Like I said, I wasn't trying to be "non-conforming", I just liked whatever I liked!

I was also lucky enough that my parents fully allowed me to go for what I enjoyed in terms of toys, games, activities, playmates, etc., regardless of gender.

And my physical appearance as a child occasionally had people mistaking me for a boy. So, perhaps, the other adults that saw me behave as one in public assumed I was one, and thus put less pressure on me to behave in a way that would have been deemed more "feminine" than "masculine".

By the point I really started looking more "feminine" (like I do now), I guess I'd moved past caring about it, and/or had reached a point where it made no sense to me that it would suddenly have been upsetting that I occasionally behaved "as a boy" or enjoyed "boy things" now when, until then, it had always been perfectly fine and well accepted that I did!

I guess there's something to be said about the influence of early socialisation, and how adults in the social environment of a child respond to a young child's gender, in the level of importance they might instinctively give to it later on.)

Like, I'm pretty sure that, if I were to ask you to determine my gender based on my looks alone (while fully giving you permission to do it), especially when I'm performing on stage wearing makeup, you'd go "you're a woman!" with a fair level of confidence!

But that's just it! To me that's just the way I look. A stylistic choice based on the way my body chose to develop, if you will.

What drives me nuts, though, is that I have zero problem empathizing with the trans community and their need to express their own gender identity, because I know what it feels like to need to be seen and respected as one's authentic self!

You tell me you identify as a woman, a man, agender, genderfae, etc., and/or feel a need to express it? Be yourself, and rock that gender! It is who you are, and it is your right to own it!

The fact that I feel like I don't have any particular use or need for gender doesn't mean that it can't be important for others, and that they don't have a use or need for it themselves.

Just because I don't intimately understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist or doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that I can't support, and actively advocate for proper gender recognition and respect in schools and other public places.

I "get it" without "getting it", if you will.

The problem, however, is that I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea that, if I identify as a "woman", people will assume that it means more to me than "I physically look female".

That it will be assumed that I emotionally and psychologically connect with my gender, and feel a need to express it, or a sense of attachment and belonging to the woman gender.

After having called the way my physical body "looks" to others on the outside "being a woman" for decades, it's hard for me to suddenly go "being a woman is not the same as passing for a woman, it's about the gender you identify with inside..." and stop calling myself a woman, because I feel like I've no gender identity inside of myself.

But "agender" doesn't quite feel right to me, either, because I'd never had any problem with the idea of being a woman, until I learned that I was supposed to give a damn about being a woman, and personally connect with my gender, that is.

And "gender non-conforming" doesn't sound quite right, either, because I'm not trying to avoid conforming to the woman gender, or expressing a different gender than the one that was assigned to me at birth.

They basically gave me a gender based on my genitalia when I was born, and I went "Yeah, sure! I guess I can look the part... Why not?"; while ignoring the whole social instructions booklet and guidelines that went with it.

So lately, every time someone has asked me what my gender is, or what gender I identify with, I've had a tendency to freeze, panic, and mentally go:

Like the idea of my having a gender makes no internal sense to me. It's not something I can relate to, "vibe with", or identify with.

Is there a way to respectfully say "I'm calling myself a woman for convenience's sake, because that's the gender traditionally associated with the way I look, and I'm okay with having grown into a feminine appearance by default? But please, don't assume it means anything to me beyond that, or expect me to behave, dress, or do anything according to the woman gender."

I've been using "gender apathetic" in an attempt to convey it, but is that really what it means, and how most people understand it?

Basically, I feel like my answers to these questions would be:

- What physical look do you most resemble? Woman / feminine / female.

- What gender do you identify with? None.

- Do you feel comfortable being called a woman, and her / she pronouns, based on the way you look? Yes.

How do you freaking call or define that?

Non-internalized cisgenderism?

#Gender theory #Non-internalized gender issues #Gender apathetic #Agender #Transgender #My posts #My thoughts #My very very confused thoughts re: whatever my gender identity is meant to be! #Hopefully none of what I've written will be perceived as dismissive or offensive. #I'm genuinely trying to figure out where I stand or fit in all of this... #Personal

[samasmith23]

Why do some people think that stories portraying darker subject matter is always an inherently bad thing?

I’ve recently encountered this weird mindset in regards to certain online fandom spaces, wherein people will argue that fictional characters experiencing intense trauma and pain is somehow inherently problematic and negatively reflects on the creator’s skills or ethics. This feels like such a narrow-minded and shallow understanding of a piece of media, since characters undergoing hardships is often a necessary element for them to grow and develop as the narrative progresses. Plus, while some stories can indeed be more intense and graphic in what types of trauma is depicted, it’s mere inclusion doesn’t automatically make the story or it’s author inherently bad. For instance, even though I personally haven’t read the manga series Berserk by the late Kentaro Miura (May he Rest In Peace…), based on what I’ve heard from others while the series does include graphic depictions of sexual assault which the main protagonist Guts suffered from in his past, said-assaults are NOT framed in a gross or exploitative way, but are instead utilized to analyze and discuss the character’s feelings of physical and psychological trauma derived from said-horrible events, and heavily factors into Guts' overall backstory and development as a character as he tries to heal from the violent trauma of his past and discover some sense of happiness in a bleak world.

And yet despite this I’ve encountered a few people accuse Berserk of being “pro-rape” or even outright stating that Miura “deserved to die” (which is an absolutely disrespectful and disgusting thing to say!) simply because he included these darker elements in his manga. Like... that's as stupid as someone claiming that Quentin Tarantino is automatically "pro-murder" simply because his movies include lots of scenes of characters killing each other.

I’ve also encountered far less overtly toxic examples of this kind bad faith media criticism in comic circles. Awhile I was incredibly confused when I saw some people on Twitter arguing that Saladin Ahmed was “ill-suited to writing teenage characters” simply because of two scenes in his Miles Morales: Spider-Man & Magnificent Ms. Marvel runs respectively, which involved Miles being tortured by the new supervillain, The Assessor (who would later make clones of Miles as a result), as well as the final battle between Ms. Marvel and her evil robot-duplicate Stormranger getting quite brutal at times (you could see blood from the impact Stormranger’s punch).

In regards to the Miles’ torture scene, I've seen a small number of people argue that the scene's existence was inherently inappropriate due to Miles' status as a Black minor, going as far as to label it as "dehumanizing" and "really insensitive to the real trauma of black boys." I'm not sure how I feel about this as those labels feel a tad extreme due to the fantastical nature of Miles' stories. Like, as brutal as the scene with the Assessor is, it’s at least given a more ficitional sci-fi vibe due to the high-tech laboratory, the Frankenstein operating table, and the fact that this whole ordeal leads directly into Miles' own version of Spider-Man: Clone Saga after The Assessor acquires Miles’ DNA in the process. So it feels less grounded and not as reflective of those real-life traumatic experiences Black men and boys unfortunately go through in the U.S. like I saw a few critics of Ahmed’s run claiming. Plus, Ahmed had Miles be rescued by both his father Jefferson Morales and Uncle Aaron Davis teaming-up together. So the narrative frames the Assessor’s torture of Miles as a bad thing whilst depicting two older Black men actively putting aside their personal differences in order to save their son/nephew as a major narrative focus as well. How exactly is it "dehumanizing" or "inappropriate" then?

And it seems like this bizarre criticism isn’t just limited to Twitter comic fandoms, since a certain Lily Orchard recently made an AWFUL video which outright accused animation fandoms and creators of “fetishizing the torture and abuse of POC women” in cartoons like The Legend of Korra, The Owl House, and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power. As soon as I saw the thumbnail for that video I knew it was going to be an absolute dumpster fire.

In it, not only does Lily engage in those similar types of arguments like the ones I mentioned earlier about Saladin Ahmed’s portrayal of Miles & Kamala, but Lily went multiple steps further by outright accusing various scenes from The Legend of Korra, The Owl House & She-Ra of being “literal torture p*rn” and “fetishized abuse against POC women.” With Korra, Lily accused the scenes of Korra brutally poisoned with the Red Lotus’ liquid metalic venom, Korra still being significantly weakened by the poison during her final battle with Zaheer (causing her to fall and tumble down cliff-sides) and Zaheer trying to use his air-bending to suck the oxygen right out of Korra’s lungs (the same technique he previously used to assassinate the Earth Queen), plus the Unalaq fight from the Season 2 finale where extracts the Avatar spirit from Korra and kills all her past lives one by one with a water-whip as “white centrist writers being turned on by the trauma and torture of a woman of color.”

And in regards to She-Ra, Lily accused Catradora shippers of being an example of fandom going “full mask-off” simply because she found 2 or 3 random comments defending Catra’s abusive behavior prior to her gradual redemption arc in the final season simply because they found the Adora & Catra fights “hot” (which I know for a fact does NOT represent the entirety or even majority of the She-Ra fandom & Catradora shippers).

It’s just… I honestly don’t understand why Lily is describing these scenes as “torture p*rn” or “abuse fetishizing.” Like, it’s not unexpected for characters to undergo traumatic crap during their story arcs, and most often it’s for the purposes of raising the dramatic stakes of the conflict or to have said-characters eventually undergo some sort of positive change arc (which is what happens in both Korra and She-Ra btw). While the abuse Korra suffers at Zander’s hands is indeed violent, it’s intentionally disturbing and off-putting in order to increase the viewer’s suspense and fear over whether or not the main character will get out of this alive. Personally, when I first watched the Season finale of “Book 3,” I was on the edge of my seat and constantly worried for Korra’s survival, and while she is left physically and psychologically scarred by the whole ordeal I’ve heard that the entirety of “Book 4” (which I still haven’t seen BTW) focuses on Korra healing from her trauma and becoming more spiritually enlightened in the process. YouTuber and MarySue author, Princess Weekes, though had some interesting analyses about Korra’s portrayal of overcoming trauma and how its heavily rooted  in East Asian philosophy, despite Weekes' overall mixed feelings about the series in general:

And while I can’t comment on The Owl House (again, haven’t watched any of it), I can say that Lily’s characterization of Catradora as “torture p*rn/abuse fetishization” is 100% wrong since the show frames Catra’s behavior towards Adora and others throughout Seasons 1-4 as toxic and unhealthy, and Season 5 is all about her fixing herself on her own volition after realizing the harm she’s caused, and it’s only AFTER all of that when Adora & Catra become lovers. But the way Lily describes the scenes in Korra & She-Ra (which are honestly pretty PG in their levels of brutality despite being fairly dark for family-friendly animation) you’d think she was talking about some over-the-top violently explicit tentacle hentai or something, as she even goes as far as to compare the Korra & Zaheer fight to FREAKING The Passion of the Christ (seriously… Lily actually compared Korra to Mel Gibson's antisemitic guilt-tripping exploitation film which unnecessarily stretches out Jesus' torture and crucifixion; which in the Bible occurred in just a few brief passages instead of 2-and-a-half hours like in the movie).

Geez… given how Lily so inaccurately mischaracterizes these scenes from Korra and She-Ra, I’d honestly hate to see she’d react to Neon Genesis Evangelion, which is heavily centered around the characters suffering from intense depressive episodes and experiencing emotional breakdowns, whilst also including lots of psychoanalytical and disturbing imagery. Knowing Lily, she’d probably ignore the fact that NGE’s director Hideaki Anno was suffering from severe depression while creating the series (which heavily influenced the show’s overall production and themes), and instead accuse all the depictions of depression and trauma in EVA of being “unrealistic” and “inaccurate” since according to her all fictional depictions of trauma are inherently inaccurate since there’s no one universal depiction of trauma (Lily actually said that in her terrible video), and accuse all of the series’ violent and sexual imagery of being “torture p*rn” whilst calling Anno a “perverted abuse-fetishizing creep who is turned on by torture” (which feels incredibly SWERFy on Lily’s part, as well as needlessly hostile towards people who are into BDSM or sado-masachism and practice it safely and consensually) just like she did to the creators of Korra, Owl House, and She-Ra (even though NGE and especially the movie The End of Evangelion is highly critical of exactly that kind of gross and toxic behavior within Japanese Otaku subcultures).

So my overall question is this: why do Lily and some other people think that including intense trauma or brutal torture scenes in comics or animation, even when said-scenes they're framed in the story as bad things are inherently “problematic,” “dehumanizing,” “fetishistic,” or “torture/trauma p*rn”? It's like... I can understand not wanting to stomach intensely violent or depressing scenes if they can't handle them, or being critical if they feel unnecessarily mean-spirited or exploitative, but often times having darker elements is an unavoidable aspect of giving a story a sense of conflict. Conflict is necessary in order to have a plot or to develop characters, except it feels like a lot of people on social media believe that the mere inclusion of any type of darker conflict or subject matter is inherently ethically dubious regardless of how its framed within the overall narrative.

I just don't get this kind of mentality and why it's become so prevalent online these days... I really don't...

#tangent #media illiteracy #marvel comics #ms marvel #kamala khan #spider man #miles morales #legend of korra #korra #zaheer #she ra reboot #adora #catra #catradora #owl house #neon genesis evangelion #hideaki anno #the end of evangelion #graphic content #mini essay #lily orchard is a hack #lily orchard is wrong about anime #lily orchard is toxic #saladin ahmed #nate stevenson #unalaq #berserk manga #guts berserk #kentaro miura #RIP kentaro miura

[honorthysalad]

Some people on tiktok are saying they feel hgns is turning into queerbaiting, because in 25-1 yoshiki is basically the reincarnation of the wife that was brought back to life and so its like the 2 of them are just the modern day equivalents of the husband and the wife, whats your thoughts on this? I probably didn't explain it very well but do you think the story is also going to take that direction or do you think its an over reaction ? I don't have the best analysis abilities so i was curious what you thought

I'm going to preface that I have not seen the original video making this point, and so I am working off talking points I've seen other people using.

I think hgsn has always had a problem with this. Not queerbaiting, but instead that when people are recommended this manga by other people, they are told it's a horror BL. Hgsn is not a BL. It was, but then after chapter 3, Mokumokulen removed the BL tags, and the official website where hgsn is hosted has not had it listed as a BL for a long time. It is currently listed as outsider, horror/bizarre, mystery/thriller. However, English sites continue to list it as a BL, probably for lack of an LGBT tag. Hgsn has not been a BL in a long time, and while yes, the pilot (<- btw the pilot has no bearing on the current manga. A lot of things have been changed from the pilot aside from the BL elements) and first three chapters have a lot of BL signaling, Mokumokulen has clearly changed their mind on having a romance between Yoshiki and 'Hikaru'.

Does this make it queerbaiting? I'd say no because the characters are still visibly queer. There have definitely been retcons, but Yoshiki being gay has gone unchanged. I've seen a few people pointing to Ch21 as proof that Yoshiki is heterosexual because when he looks at 'Hikaru's collarbone, he says "I don't feel anything in particular anymore". I feel the important part of that being is 'anymore', meaning he once did. This part of the chapter is a reflection on their sexualities, wherein 'Hikaru' tells Yoshiki he doesn't understand romantic or sexual attraction and Yoshiki, while he refuses to say outright, isn't straight. He was attracted to Hikaru's body and says he has feelings for Hikaru that 'Hikaru' wouldn't understand. This chapter makes it clear that Yoshiki is gay and 'Hikaru' is aromantic and asexual. They are still queer characters, the story is still fundamental a queer story of feeling othered in a small town and the terror of discovering your sexuality, and not having a romantic relationship between Yoshiki and 'Hikaru' doesn't take away from that.

I think an important part of queerbaiting is that despite being promised queer characters, the media has none or features them very little. Think of The Rise of Skywalker where the queer representation the director claimed was in the movie during press interviews is actually a kiss between two women limited to a background shot in a crowd shot. That two-second scene wasn't representative of anyone, was hidden away in the background, but then touted as a LGBT+ representation because the directors and company wanted the movie to be seen as progressive. That's queerbaiting and that's definitely not what hgsn is doing. Queerbaiting is not expecting a romantic relationship to develop between two characters and never having it actualized in canon. That's just being disappointed, which is still reasonable but not really grounds to accuse the author of something greater.

(I'm not going to touch much on that ancestors point. I think that Yoshiki actually being straight because he has the soul of a woman is a strange conclusion to come to, especially when we don't know if he even is a reincarnation of Hichi yet, and has really weird implications. And then the original sin being trying to bring someone back from the dead is the only thing that makes sense narratively because the danger of refusing to accept death as a natural part of life is a key theme in hgsn.)

So to just wrap it all up- is changing your mind mid-story about the genre messy? yeah, definitely. Is hgsn perfectly written? no- oh my god, no. Is hgsn queerbaiting? No, because Mokumokulen might have changed their mind on a romance, but they did not change their mind on having queer characters, and non-romantic stories of queer people are still important stories to tell.

And then if you disagree with people who are disappointed that hgsn isn't a BL, don't just start insulting them or their intelligence. They were picking up on exactly what the author wanted them to at the time. The introduction sets up the tone for everything that follows and hgsn changed its mind mid-introduction. Being told by the manga 'look at all these romantic implications!' and then a few chapters later getting told 'actually nvm' is going to be confusing for any reader. I think mokumokulen has put a lot of work into making this a gradual change (the real breakdown of a possible romantic relationship comes in vol2's bonus chapter and concludes in ch21), but it doesn't removed what was already there in the first chapters. And like- if you don’t like someone’s take, block them. Easy way to not see takes from them anymore. Or just like ignore it. Complain to a friend about it. Draft up a reply and delete it. No need to be a dick to them.

#also mokumokulen has written a few actual bls in the past. it's not like they're scared of touching the genre #if we're going to accuse Len of anything I'd look more at how they treat the background female characters #but that's just me #*sips tea* #the summer hikaru died #hikaru ga shinda natsu #hgsn #Lmk if there’s any more clarification needed #My HGSN shit

[mixelation]

Could I ask you a bit of a weird, possibly personal question? If Tori is your self insert(reflecting a younger version of yourself) and Itachi is your blurbo. What is the fantasy in creating a fake romance where neither of you have geniune romantic feelings but are performing a relationship? Why create a boundary from developing geniune romantic feelings?

If this question came off as rude I apologise in advance. Please feel free to ignore.

Was just curious what you as an author get out of this arrangement

Fantasy....? It's not a personal fantasy. I don't want to ever interact with an Itachi IRL. He's a fun little fictional guy to rotate and put in situations, but that doesn't mean I want people like him in my life.

Along those lines, Tori gets some base personality traits and interests from me, but she's not meant to BE me. She's a fictional character. It's fun and sometimes cathartic to make characters that are like you and then experiment with putting them in situations you never want to actually have or are otherwise impossible, but that doesn't mean I'm writing out secret little fantasies. By this point in Plasticity Tori's experiences have changed her into something pretty different from where she started, so she's less like me.

So why put them in what is basically a queer platonic relationship...? IDK, why put them in a romantic relationship? Why make them dislike and distrust each other in Plasticity? Why give her beef with Shisui, or have her get along with Kushina? It's just a fun way to play with characters and their dynamics. I don't see a lot of relationships like this in fic, and I haven't written one like this before. It's just fun.

EDIT: It occurred to me that anon might be asking "what's the appeal of this if it never develops into romance?" like romance is the end goal of a relationship dynamic. It's not. You can have a deeply fulfilling, close platonic relationship with someone and it not be romantic or sexual.

#reborn au

[auronira]

Being someone who is allo (just learned about the existance of this word) and cis, I want to talk about the hot topic of Alastor being shipped romantically and sexually by the fandom of Hazbin Hotel.

I understand that the topic I'm about to delve into may require some patience and open-mindedness. As a young individual seeking understanding, I implore you to hear me out before forming any judgments. English isn't my first language, so I apologize if my expressions seem weird, also it may take a while to get what I am saying here, I took a lot of time to get my point across so please give me a little bit of your time - especially if you are aroace or anywhere among that spectrum.

First of all, being cis and allo is obviously one of the most comfortable shoes you can wear within society. I am aware of that.

For instance, as someone who enjoys immersing myself in various forms of media such as books, movies, and video games, I often find characters and narratives that resonate with my experiences. This familiarity allows me to connect deeply with the stories and derive genuine enjoyment from them. I've never had to grapple with the challenges of feeling unseen or misunderstood in this regard, and for that, I am privileged.

Contrastingly, I recognize the struggles that members of the LGBTQ+ community often face. The need to repeatedly explain one's identity and preferences, the constant battle for visibility and acceptance – these are realities that I've never had to confront personally. My identity has always been accepted without question, and for that, I'm grateful. However, I'm eager to learn and empathize with those whose journeys differ from my own so please try and be patient with me.

To my fellow cisgender and heterosexual individuals who may be unfamiliar with what I'm about to explain: Consider the concept of "comfort characters" and why they hold such significance in our lives. For me, growing up, Katniss Everdeen served as my comfort character. Reflecting on her impact on my childhood development, I realize the profound influence she had. During a time when I was grappling with personal challenges that I wasn't yet ready to confide in my family about, my connection to Katniss provided solace. Through her character, I found the strength to envision myself facing adversity head-on, overcoming obstacles with resilience. It may seem trivial to some, given that she's a fictional creation, but the bond I forged with her played a pivotal role in shaping my identity.

I believe many of us can relate to forming such deep connections with fictional characters as we navigate through the complexities of adolescence and young adulthood. These characters serve as guiding lights, offering solace and inspiration during times of uncertainty. Even if you haven't personally experienced such a connection, I encourage you to consider the profound impact that representation can have on shaping one's sense of self and belonging.

Representation matters because it validates our experiences and identities, providing a sense of visibility and validation that is essential for personal growth and empowerment. Just as we find comfort and inspiration in the characters we admire, so too do marginalized individuals deserve to see themselves reflected in the stories they consume. It's through diverse representation that we foster empathy, understanding, and inclusivity within our communities and society as a whole.

Representation matters because it gives people characters they can relate to and admire. But not every character needs to be relatable for everyone to like them. For instance, I really enjoyed watching the relationship between She-Ra and Catra in the show She-Ra. Even though I'm straight, I can imagine the profound joy it brought to members of the LGBTQ+ community who could see themselves represented in a meaningful way. They relate to those characters differently than I do, and that's totally okay. Sometimes, fans want to see their favorite characters in certain ways, even if it's not exactly how the creators intended them to be. They create their own ideas about the characters to feel a deeper connection. While it's natural to want to connect with characters, it's also important to respect the original story and the creators' intentions.

While it's natural to seek characters with whom we can personally identify, it's equally important to appreciate the diversity of perspectives and experiences that representation brings. It's through this diversity that stories become richer and more inclusive, resonating with a broader audience and fostering empathy and understanding across different communities.

So what does that mean for aroace people when it comes to Alastor?

For this to understand I'm just gonna try and picture myself in a different pair of metaphorical shoes, but when it comes to being ace they may not even feel like shoes at all, but more as if you are running barefoot over the nastiest lego pieces in existance.

Imagine going to a bookstore and struggling to find something that aligns with your tastes. Maybe you spend hours searching, only to come up empty-handed. Perhaps you end up settling for whatever book is popular at the moment, feeling left out because there's no variety that speaks to you. Or maybe you turn to the internet, hoping to find your perfect book match online, but even that proves to be a challenge. In the end, you might resort to reading fanfiction because there, at least, the chances of finding representation are higher.

This struggle isn't limited to books but extends to movies, TV shows, and everything else. Constantly feeling like you don't belong can be painful and isolating. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. Unfortunately, society can't change overnight, so we have to work with what we have for now.

The bottom line is, everyone deserves to see themselves represented in the media they consume. It's not just about personal preference; it's about feeling seen and valued in a world that often overlooks our differences. And until that becomes a reality, we'll keep pushing for change, one step at a time. Finally, there's that one character – in this case, Alastor – and for the first time, asexual individuals can feel that sense of connection I've been talking about. They feel seen and acknowledged, just as we all do when we find something or someone we can relate to. This is what books, TV shows, and video games are all about – providing us with enjoyment and a sense of validation, especially in a world that can be tough.

Representation of diverse sexualities in media isn't just important for LGBTQ+ individuals; it's beneficial for everyone. It helps broaden our understanding of each other and breaks down barriers without anyone having to change who they are to fit in. This is the power of art and the stories we consume – they have the ability to blur the lines between people and foster greater empathy and acceptance. Ultimately, it's about making everyone feel like they belong and have a place in the world.

I'll be honest – I don't really think about labels much anymore. I've found that they can sometimes divide people even further, which isn't what I'm about. It's not that I have anything against labels in general; I just personally don't dwell on them. However, I do recognize the subtle influence they can have on me, even though I consider myself quite open-minded.

I've come to a point where I've found peace in the idea that everyone should just be allowed to be themselves, as long as they're happy. I didn't actively choose to be straight; it's just who I am. And I don't expect anyone else to have to "choose" their sexuality either – they should just be able to exist and be happy. I've reached a mindset where I don't really give much thought to someone's sexuality when I see it portrayed in media. They're just who they are, and I'm just who I am. But I understand that for many people, having those labels is important for representation and visibility. Perhaps, initially, society needs those divisions in order for certain groups to feel seen and acknowledged. And while I may not personally identify with those labels, I can still appreciate their significance to others. At the end of the day, it's about acceptance and understanding, regardless of labels.

Returning to the topic of Alastor, now that there's this ace character, the fandom takes him and sometimes decides to change him to fit their own desires. It's similar (I guess) to the disappointment some feel when an author keeps a protagonist's appearance vague, only for fans to imagine them as the perfect, conventionally beautiful princess. This can be hurtful to people who don't fit that idealized image because they ask themselves "would the story be any different if she would be smaller, or chubby, or (insert whatever you want)?"

What's crucial to recognize here is that some fans might struggle to accept Alastor's sexuality because they feel like he has to be different for them to enjoy certain content without feeling guilty or needing to justify their actions. Our minds often try to protect us with such a mindset so we can feel good about ourselves and our choices. For some, that means trying to impose their beliefs on a character so they can comfortably engage with them in their own fanworks.

It's important to acknowledge that everyone interprets and engages with media differently. However, it's also important to respect the creator's original intentions and the representation they've provided. Trying to change a character to fit one's own desires can be disrespectful to both the character and those who identify with them.

Ultimately, it's about finding a balance between creative freedom and respecting the integrity of the source material.

Here are two key considerations that both sides should bear in mind, (if I even have the right to say anything as someone who is clearly underqualified when it comes to topics like that as a cis and allo):

On one hand, it's important for ace individuals to understand that people often enjoy engaging with characters in various ways, including through shipping and fanfiction. Characters may take on different traits or orientations in these creative outlets, and that's part of the fun and freedom of fan culture. However, when it comes to representation in canon material, it's crucial not to impose personal viewpoints onto characters solely for the sake of recognition. While it's acceptable to explore different interpretations in fan works, it's essential to respect the original portrayal of characters, particularly regarding their sexuality.

Reflecting on my own feelings on this matter, I've realized that I don't necessarily take issue with individuals changing the sexual orientation of straight characters in fanfiction. However, I become uncomfortable when there's an attempt to forcefully alter the canonical identity of a character. This discomfort arises from a sense that being straight is portrayed as incorrect or undesirable. This realization has deepened my empathy for the struggles faced by members of the LGBTQ+ community in seeking authentic representation in media.

This also brings me to the main point – the same principle applies to ace individuals when the community tries to forcefully change a character's sexuality, refusing to acknowledge their ace identity as portrayed in the show. Finally, ace individuals have a character to look up to who is even quite popular, only to see that representation invalidated or ignored because some people refuse to accept it – essentially, refusing to see them.

This kind of rejection can make ace individuals feel as though they need to conform to certain expectations in order to be considered "interesting" or "popular," just like Alastor. It's confusing and disheartening to see a character's identity denied or dismissed, especially when it's a rare instance of representation that could provide validation and visibility for ace individuals.

It would be VERY confusing for me, making me feel like, despite getting represented, I would not be enough.

I'd like to take a moment to clarify that while I enjoy engaging in fan works involving Alastor - some even portraying him romantically or sexually with another character, I wouldn't want him to be portrayed differently in the series. Changing his character in the serie itself in such a fundamental way would completely ruin the essence of who he is for me, much like what happened with characters such as Wednesday, Sherlock, or Loki. Despite my love for these characters, I felt that some of them should have remained as they were without delving into romantic or sexual storylines, as it would feel out of place, just as it would feel strange to me if Alastor suddenly showed romantic or sexual interest in anyone.

It's important to recognize that enjoying fan works doesn't necessarily mean wanting to alter the original outcome of the show or the character themselves. Sometimes, it's just for fun, without any deeper implications.

I don't have a definitive conclusion or a perfect solution to make everything peaceful – I'm not sure such a thing even exists. However, I believe that listening to each other and trying to understand one another, despite our differences, is crucial. I can only imagine how deeply hurtful it must be for ace individuals to see so much fan art of Alastor that conflicts with his established sexual orientation, but recognizing it as people having fun and drawing a line between canon and fanon is as important as it is for those who engage in such content to understand why ace individuals might feel upset about it, and to recognize that their feelings are just as valid.

We need to communicate with each other respectfully and without hostility.

I'm open to listening to anyone who might feel offended by anything I've written here – my goal in sharing these thoughts is simply to foster understanding and empathy. I never wanted to hurt anyone with my words, sorry in advance if someone feels triggered because of this.

#hazbin hotel #alastor #hazbin alastor #alastor aroace #aromantic #asexual #aroace #alastor the radio demon

[rocketturtle4]

Aceness in BL: Let’s go for a Ramble

(I made this post soon after Be My Favorite finished but shadowbanning has delayed the posting) - I'm Freeee (@plantsarepeopletoo @shouldiusemyname)

So, I’ve been thinking more and more about aceness in BL (mainly BL anyway), and to get my thought’s in order I thought I’d make a post.

This post is NOT intended as a blanket rule in literally any context. It is specifically about how 1. I frame aceness in my head based on very surface level research and my own experience and how 2. I apply that to a few characters (In BL) who, to me, have felt acespec.

This post will cover

A brief overview of how I understand the acespectrum (with reference to aesthetic, romantic and sexual attraction)

How I view demisexuality as a kind of doorway (with reference to my own deminess)

How I feel five characters (Ae from Love by Chance, Arthrit from SOTUS & SOTUS S, Kat from The Warp Effect (yes not BL but whatevs), Kawi from Be My Favorite and Khai from the Warp Effect) might fall on these spectrums. (THIS WILL INCLUDE SPOILERS)

A wrap up on acepectrum, transient identities, and labels

First Up the Ace-Spectrum!

(How I frame aceness in my head)

Aesthetic attraction = I really want to just stare at this person, they so pretty

Romantic attraction = I want to have this person with me, I want to hold them close and see them daily and talk to them about everything, also I want to cuddle and sleep together (maybe idk this is the attraction I am vaguest on)

Sexual attraction = I want to have sex with this person, I want to personally bang this person, I stare at this person and think about what it would be like to kiss them with tongue and push them against walls and have them underneath/on top of me. (This isn’t necessarily at like 100% all the time I think)

Kapish?

Romantic and Sexual attraction are both spectrums (obvs) and in my head they go from

Allo (100%) <------- to --------> Ace/Aro (0%) with the percentage reflective of how frequently you find people attractive, (I don’t think 100% is everybody all the time though).

So theoretically anyone not at 100% for either romantic or sexual attraction might identify as acespec, though I IMAGINE most people over perhaps, 30% feel attraction often enough that they don’t consider it, so for headcannon purposes I’m considering under 30% as ace or aro.

Sometimes people might consider themselves grey-ace (or grey-aro) if they fall within the more middling but still low percentages (say 15-50%,) So they experience attraction to individuals on occasion, but less frequently than typical. (But, again any label that people identify with is true for them)

Framing Demisexuality as a doorway

Demisexuality is, to me (in brief), not experiencing sexual attraction prior to the development of strong emotional/intellectual/romantic feelings (also can feel like a significant jump rather than completely 0-100, for me it’s almost like a switch on/off, but it can be gradual too)

Demiromantic people don’t experience romantic feelings for people unless there’s a strong emotional bond in place. (Same caveats as above)

The demi-doorway doesn’t automatically open the moment bonds/romantic feelings are developed, it’s simply that these feelings DON’T occur without the bond first. An alloromantic demisexual person MAY develop sexual feelings for someone they like romantically, but they also may not.

Personally, I consider myself demisexual and demiromantic because (based on 1.5 data points (data points = people), which is really not enough evidence) after bonds are formed both my romantic and sexual interest about a specific person jump up to allo. My deminess also feels tied to the way the changing/wavering of these emotional bonds also closes the door really quickly?? (So I can become abruptly not attracted to someone anymore if my romantic feelings/emotions are gone/destabilised, let me tell you it is weird to experience)

The lines around characters and actors and attraction gets all blurry too. Kind of like there’s a window in my door(s) that can be open or shut, but I can always look through it? (IDK how this metaphor is holding up)

For example, here’s some arbitrary categorites:

1. People are nice looking because everybody is nice looking (e.g., most people)

2. Aesthetic attraction (let me stare) e.g., Jean from The Warp Effect or Ayan from The Eclipse

3. Aesthetic attraction but more??  E.g., Joong (Joong is pretty, VERY PRETTY. But it’s still not really sexual attraction…I just want to stare at him…extra hard…and if he WANTED to fuck me…I mean for science…but I still don’t really WANT to??)

4. First. E.g., AM I EVEN ACE/ARO WHAT IS THIS SORCERY??

Clear as mud I’m sure.

Ace people can also dislike sex, be sex repulsed, enjoy watching, and whatever else without it emphasising or erasing their aceness, since it’s about sexual attraction to an individual more than anything else.

In a similar way you can also be sex repulsed or dislike sex or dislike aspects of sex without automatically being ace.

ALSO Demispec people may experience full (e.g. 100%) romantic/sexual feelings once the door is open without the caveats that I listed (about emotional instability) and this in NO WAY erases their aceness (or their deminess). There is also something to be said for the different ways the emotional bonds are formed/feelings are triggered. My two data points (attraction to people) were both triggered by strong intellectual connections.

ALSO acespec (which includes all aro/ace/demi people FTR) people can have gender specific (or non-specific) orientations as well (e.g. homoromantic asexual or aromantic pansexual or even biromantic bi-grey-ace).

Examples from Thailand BL/QL in my headcannon

I’m only talking about allo/ace/demi here, no gender-(non)-specific orientations.

Ae (Love By Chance) alloromantic demisexual (through the door 100%)

Ae is, I think, a pretty classic example of the most common view of demisexuality. He experiences romantic feelings for someone (idk if it’s the first time for this) and then slowly realises he’s sexually attracted to said person and goes a bit crazy because he doesn’t quite know what his feelings mean because he’s never experienced them before and, well, he’s a horndog (I love Ae and this depiction for the record) his demisexuality is absolutely a gateway to 100% sexual interest!

Some signs of his aceness might include his lack of interest in sex as commented on by his roommate and his confusion over the feelings he’s experiencing for the first time because they’re outside of his frame of experience. Also his sexual feelings seem to take a while to develop, after his crush has begun.

(I’m much less certain about romantic orientation here because we don’t know if he’s had crushes before (without wanting sex) and also he’s only 18, so even if he hasn’t doesn’t mean he’s arospec)

Arthrit (SOTUS & SOTUS S) Alloromantic demisexual (but different!!)

Arthrit seems alloromantic, in his previous feelings for his childhood friend and his clearly developing romantic feelings for Kong.

Arthit’s aceness is less clear cut than Ae’s because even after he develops sexual feelings (through the demidoor) he doesn’t experience allo sexual attraction as strongly as someone like Ae. I found a lot of his reactions to the relationship ups and downs in SOTUS S were very relatable (and prompted my first ever long post lol click for way more info on this) because of how Arthrit’s desire for sex (or sexual touch) seem to waver with the relationship stability. This is not about being uncomfortable with Kong exactly, but more about how even after they’re technically on an even keel and Kong’s sharing his bed and apartment, Arthit still seems uncomfortable with some of his sexual advances. While LATER after they’ve properly talked about it, he goes back to leaning into Kongs space and making flirty eyebrows.

So his deminess kind of means his aceness is variable even through the demidoor, like the door is wavering between open and closed. But it also doesn’t ever feel like his romantic feelings for Kong waver, just that the unstable grounding of their relationship boundaries lead to emotional instability which effect his sexual interest.

(Because I will take every excuse to use my Arthrit screenshots)

Kat in The Warp Effect (aromantic allosexual)

Honestly, Kat being Aro seemed basically canon during my viewing of The Warp Effect. She shows essentially no evidence of romantic feelings for anyone the whole series. (Though obvs people can want and have sex without wanting relationships and not be aro)

While Kat later tells Alex that she likes him (and tells Jean too) I don’t really feel like this mucks with the head-canon for a few reasons:

Kat is shown to be pretty monogamous when in sexual relationships with people even as she want’s no strings (she tells Alex he’s the only one she is currently having sex with (I think), she later tells Captain Asshole this and then later tells Tony this).

Thanks to Captain Asshole she begins to feel unsafe with the way she lives her life.

She initially wants to commit to Alex as the person she is most comfortable with, but we are not really shown any evidence of romantic feelings, just a desire for commitment.

She seems to reach a similar sort of balance with Tony in the OG Warp Timeline, but there still (to me) isn’t really evidence of romantic feelings

Aro people can, after all, want a committed and/or monogamous relationship.

Kawi in Be My Favorite (Alloromatic Asexual (not Demi IMO))

The reason I think he’s ace rather than demi is more about the language he uses even after he’s in love with Piseang (please see my thoughts about ace-kawi coding in ep 10 for more details if you're curious). Even after this wasn’t made explicit by the narrative, I stand by my thoughts around his lack of interest in sex in general. (As well as the coding in ep12 of him trying the rollercoaster and not liking it). It didn’t really feel to me like he gained sexual feelings for Piseang (unlike the vibes I personally got from Arthrit even if they wavered), more than he tried sex and enjoyed it enough to participate again in the future because he loved and felt comfortable with Piseang.

If you feel ambivalent about playing tennis, but your partner really likes playing tennis than maybe you make a point of playing tennis regularly even if it’s not something you’d think about doing on your own, because playing tennis with your partner is fun you know?

Of course, if tennis makes you feel icky, or really bored, you many not ever want to play it even if your partner enjoys it.

Khai in Theory of Love (demiromantic allosexual)

So Khai is my most recent addition to this post given I just finished ToL but he was so demiromantic it crushed me into pieces so he gets to be included! ways Khai feels demirom:

His confused realisation of feelings when he talks to his Phi at the beach.

He likes to keep things uncomplicated with the girls he’s seeing because he doesn’t do relationships.

He actually tries to take his relationships seriously but just never really seemed to genuinely want the romance.

Even after he realises he has romantic feelings for Third, when he returns back to him (after the beach reflection) he notices his sexual attraction more easily than his romantic feelings.

His confusion over how much he hurt when Third seemed to be choosing Un over him, and how it was the first time he realised how much Third must have been hurting because he’d never felt like this before.

The entirety of Ep12 with Third telling Khai what he feels isn't love (because Third has seen time and time again that Khai hasn't loved anyone before). Khai's attempts to prove himself even though he really understand what loving someone means, even as he follows his emotions, and tries hard to be “better” for Third because he does love Third, he chooses Third, he changes for Third, he cries for Third.

He also curls up in his room watching romantic movies for multiple days because Third tells him that what he's feeling isn't love and if it isn't then what is?)

Very relatable and also owie ouchie my brokenness feelings.

Lack of data points makes it tricky:

There are probably lots of other characters that COULD fall into a-spectrum, (just as there are reasons why these characters might not) but the thing I find the trickiest to navigate (for my headcanons) is lack of data points. Most characters in BL are in highschool/college, and this, combined with a desire for lack of messiness in story structure, means characters are often experiencing feelings ‘for the first time.’ Long term pining, childhood crushes, and first attraction to the same gender, all come into play and make evidence muddy and lacking a concrete foundation, from which to draw conclusions.

We can’t ask characters about their preferences, previous feelings, levels of emotion etc. so in my opinion conclusions can’t be drawn, only inferences made.  

I don’t have a problem with anyone headcannoning these characters as not acespec.

I don’t have a problem with anyone headcannoning other characters as acespec.

Identities, Transience and Labelling

In discussing this post and my own framework with a couple of people I wanted to add a bit more of my personal experience with the ace label and the ace spectrum. Because the thing about both ace-ness and allo-ness is that they’re not equal all the time. Some people experience sexual attraction first or more frequently and may only experience romantic feelings later or less frequently. Some people feel romantic attraction before sexual, but only sometimes and sometimes people feel both at once and straight away, or both at once but only later on…

The romantic and sexual attraction spectrums are spectrums that everybody exists on and in existing on a spectrum some people have a firm placement and others a shifting one.

People who are ace-identified are typically those who have felt meaningfully different from their peers in the level and/or frequency of experiencing any sexual attraction and/or any romantic attraction and whose attraction is close to zero for one or both of those spectrums. They have thus sought out explanations for their difference and found the ace labels. Demi-ness, on either spectrum, then relates more to the way emotional(/intellectual) bonds, positive or negative, directly impact your ability to feel romantic or sexual attraction.

In the context of TV, for me, it’s picking up a photo of a character you love and being confused when they don’t seem right anymore. Its looking at a cast of beautiful humans and not really feeling anything but awe at their acting. It’s forgetting that characters were shirtless until the gifs show up on your dash the next day. It’s reading the definition of chemistry and not really understanding what it means. It’s not realising that there’s a difference between kisses where the lips move and kisses where they don’t because the way the characters talk and stand and stare means so much more. It’s so many things until you must notice because what you’re seeing and noticing and caring about is just…not the same as the things other people are seeing, noticing and caring about.

In the real world it’s messier, because aceness is sometimes framed as only 0%. Experiencing emotions outside of 0% can make the label feel hard to keep, or wrong or mismatched:

My 16-year-old-self called herself Asexual and was relieved to have found a reason why she felt so weird, even if it didn't quite fit right.

My 18-year-old-self called herself maybe-bi because both boys and girls can be pretty to look at, and this must be what crushes are right?

My 20-year-old-self called herself Asexual again (even though it still didn't fit right) because she’d tried things with one of these apparent crushes and it just felt…weird.

My 22-year-old-self called herself maybe straight afterall because she dreamed about kissing someone for the first time and that person was a boy.

My 24-year-old-self picked up demisexual and clung to it like a lifeline because why else would her attraction just be…gone. Was I broken?

My 25-year-old-self discovered demiromantic was also a label and felt like things finally made sense.

But what’s important to know is that at no point between finding the asexual label at 16 to finding the aromantic label at 25, was I not aro/ace. And that if I had settled on a non-aspec label after any one of my identity-questioning experiences, it wouldn’t have made me a liar at any age or negated the experience of other aspec people in any way.

Because what my 25-year-old-self now understands is that labels aren’t there to put you in a box and squeeze you into shape, nor are labels there to lay across your shoulders and weigh you down with their expectations.

The labels are a lifeline, a hand reaching out, a voice whispering in the darkness…

You are not, and have never been alone.

So, for me at least, to label characters as this or that, is not to box them in, instead it is pointing and gasping, look, look, that one is like me…or maybe, look, look, that one is like you.

When a character acts the way I would, thinks the way I would, talks the way I would I am again reminded that,

I are not, and have never been alone.

So please, label away, I don’t mind if we pick different labels. I just like that I can share my labels with you. 

#Rturts is wondering #acespec in bl #for the queer #be my favorite #theory of love #the warp effect #love by chance #SOTUS #SOTUS S #asexuality #aromantic #ace spectrum #aspectrum #demisexuality #demiromantic #demisexual #aromantism #roc talks aro/ace

[chaoticstanley]

Beetlebabes dni (seriously fuck off)

So, my current hyperfixation is Beetlejuice, movie, cartoon, and musical. But I have all the Beetlejuice cartoons on file so as I was watching, I decided to redesign Lydia and Beej in the show’s style for my own fic I’m working on. I added silhouettes of the show’s designs as a comparison. And I finalized my OC as a bonus. So here’s some info about Bj and Lydia. I’ll explain my OC some other time.

Beetlejuice:

I used all iterations of him as inspiration, but in terms of visual, it’s mostly the musical and cartoon. Gave him his green hair and also a mullet cause... Idk I think it looks good. But in terms of personality, it’s a nice combo of all three. He’s a lot more nastier and violent than his toon counterpart, but still retains some of the sensitivity showed in the show. For example, he’s still protective of Lydia, but instead of simply putting beetles in a bully’s hair, he’ll genuinely traumatize them with a scare or straight up try and kill them. He’s still a handsy and overtly sexual being like in the movie/musical. Instead of responding to emotional rejection (outside of flirtatious contexts) with a depressive episode like the show, he gets very angry and vengeful. He’s petty, selfish and a conniving ass like all three iterations. But he’s not as dumb as his toon counterpart. He’s irrational and acts before he thinks sure, but when it comes to being a trickster, he’s more thoughtful and malicious like the movie version.

His relationship with Lydia is a big brother/little sister type. She’s one of the very select few who’s ever gotten past his walls. He’s protective of her and always encourages her interests in the gross, rude, and dead. But he’s less affectionate than the show/musical. He’s not a big fan of pda and just barely tolerates her occasional hug. He and Lydia are the type of friends that exchange insults and petty barbs as a way of showing how they care.

A brief note on his most common alter ego, Bettyjuice. I modernized her into an egirl because the aesthetic is perfect with all the stripes. She’s pretty much the same as the show; gross, rude, and impulsive. But I made her too pretty unfortunately. I kept leaning towards cute with certain attributes like the added beanie and her adorable tummy, so that’ll probably be tweaked in the future, but we’ll see. I do like this design a lot even though it’s not gross enough.

Lydia:

Again, all iterations were an inspiration. Her Netherworld design is just a more aged up version of the original poncho, but I added a touch more purple at the forefront to reflect her personality. And her normal design is more muted just as a contrast to the Netherworld to make it seem mundane in comparison. In terms of personality, she’s got the character development of the musical. She’s still deadpanned and sarcastic like the movie/musical, but she’s much softer and more sweet like her toon counterpart. She’s a little more mature now that she’s 18, but not by much cause she’s still a young, developing girl. She only has a few friends her age since most of her peers at school are put off by her goth aesthetic and macabre interests. It also doesn’t help that she hangs around a weird egirl who likes to throw bugs at people (Bettyjuice of course). She does have two friends, Becca and Pamela (loosely based off Bertha and Prudence) and of course, her family. She still loves the Maitlands and hangs out with them a bunch. She has a better relationship with Charles Deetz now that she’s a little older. The one she has conflict the most is Deelia, but there’s still clear love there. She fully accepts Deelia as her mother now, while, of course, still keeping Emily Deetz in her heart as well. But they tend to bicker and argue the most because of their different worldviews, but much less so than before now that Lydia regularly spends time in the Nethworld.

But of course, Lydia’s best friend is Beetlejuice. They pull pranks, get into mischief, and regularly get revenge on Lydia’s main bully Claire Brewster.

But yeah, that’s it. I’ll explain my OC later, but I’m too tired rn. I’m working on some more art for Beetlejuice, but the main inspo is the cartoon since it has a lot more to work with in terms of story and world building.

#beetlejuice #lydia deetz #beetlejuice the animated series #beetlejuice the musical #toonjuice #toonlydia #oc

[hawkogurl]

Even I don’t know what this post is about and there’s probably no way for me to say this without sounding a little pretentious and for that I apologize but here’s some Norman meta analysis.

In terms of the Great Raimi Norman Discussion, something I thank a god I don’t believe in every day hasn’t yet escalated to Discourse(tm), among the things I wish weren’t a factor alongside the entire movie of NWH is the entire concept of a character being irredeemable. In my personal opinion, redemption is change. There is no point at which a person is not capable of some sort of positive change, so there’s no point where someone is irredeemable. This is simplifying for the sake of brevity, but it gets my point across.

However by the standards of larger fandom, there tends to be a collection of specific things that label a character irredeemable. These tend to be bigotry of most if not any form, any form of abuse, and sexual violence.

Raimi Norman managed to tick off all three.

Taking into account the authorial intent, Norman is very much meant to be sexist, an emotionally abusive parent, and I personally believe it’s very very likely that the comment the Goblin made towards MJ at the end of the first movie was intended to be a rape threat, especially taking into account him ogling her earlier in the movie.

The thing that tends to occur with those three topics in media is that they feel too real and too close to home and connect too much with people’s personal experiences. This can result a lot in people who generally like or enjoy a character with those traits sort of feeling the need to minimize, deny, or entirely avoid the topic of those things because it can feel like a reflection on their personal character to like a character who is those things or make them feel like they can’t enjoy the traits of those characters that they do enjoy. Norman’s behavior with MJ isn’t acknowledging and people tend to swing towards saying Norman was a bad parent or a neglectful parent because the word Abusive is a point of no return for most people when it shouldn’t be.

This is incorrect and anyone who tries to make you feel bad for this is incorrect. Personal preferences aren’t morality.

I broadly do not enjoy this for all the prior stated reasons but also because I feel this is also a root cause for a lot of Good Old Fashioned Norman Woobification. With denying these topics, in particular his child abuse and sexism because I’m aware the third is debatable, people end up implicitly taking the responsibility he has for his actions as a 57 year old man who made all his decisions on his own away from him or otherwise minimizing what he did or trying to make excuses, once again because modern fandom morality is a plague and people think any of the above means they can’t like a character.

And even besides that, I personally feel that to perform meaningful analysis of his character you have to be willing to embrace and openly acknowledge the very shitty things he does all on his own of his own agency. That sort of full understanding of a character is pretty necessary. You’re able to come to more complete and more defendable positions. And while I, me, tumblr user hawkogurl might not agree with them, they’re gonna be better developed. I don’t need to agree with them. I believe exposing myself to opinions I don’t agree with is good for me. It prevents the development of an echo chamber.

I continue to have no clue what I’m saying with this post so I’m gonna stop here. Because I’ll feel weird if I don’t say it, this post isn’t even directed at anyone specifically, we’ve come a long way from 2021 NWH era fandom and most people tend to be willing to acknowledge he’s kind of the worst and I don’t need to agree with you to respect you.

#harryposting #harry osborn #raimiverse #raimi trilogy #spider man #spiderman #norman slander #kinda #Norman Osborn

[breezeinmonochromenight]

What does it that makes silent hill is silent hill? I haven't personally played it but as much as I know there's many game inspired by it but still not get the point straight?

As for all I know it has:

1) manifestation of fear and/or guilt as monsters attacking them;

2) the universe its in has layers (real world, underworld, and something between?);

3) the foggy / dark surroundings that started off as engine limitation as first game was made was actually works so well as environmental horror (all the blood and rust is part of the history of said town)

Also does it matter if the horror changed the protag into monster too? Thanks 👍🏽

To preface this: The games in the series after Silent Hill 1-4 were made when Konami started to shit the bed, and were not made by Team Silent (who were ultimately disbanded). Konami let almost any western developer crank out a Silent Hill game for them after SH4. These games don’t fit in to the narrative because the devs just did whatever the fuck they wanted with it.

That being said, the backstory is super vague, but the Team Silent entries actually do get the point straight — it just depends on how much you wanna look for it in game lol.

Essentially the connecting thread that lets Silent Hill 1-4 exist in the same universe is the history of the town itself. To keep a long story short, the town exists on sacred ground that some sort of spirit/deity inhabited. The entity was considered benevolent, but slowly became corrupted over time due to the bad things that kept happening as more people came to reside in the area/cults were formed/etc. This kind of boils over when a cult member burns her daughter alive in an attempt to birth her cult’s god from pain and suffering. The corruption allows the town to more or less “call” people to it, and even begins to spread to nearby towns as well.

To address your points:

The monsters are not all fear and guilt. It depends on the person. Harry Mason (SH1 protag) literally didn’t do anything wrong, just pursues his adopted daughter Cheryl into the town. But because his daughter is part of Alessa’s soul, Harry ends up facing off against monsters shaped by Alessa’s fears and memories, not his own. Heather/Cheryl Mason (SH3 protag) is a reborn version of Alessa as well, so she shares a lot of Alessa’s monsters. However, Heather is also her own person with her own life experiences apart from Alessa, so a lot of her monsters represent her own fears — hence the very phallic appearance of a lot of them, the insane cancers, etc. James Sunderland (SH2 protag) has nothing to do with the cult, but he and his wife vacationed in Silent Hill and she adored the town. The town beckons him after her death using her, and his monsters reflect everything from her illness to his repressed sexuality. The only exception is pyramid head. He acts as James’ reflection to punish him for his actions, but resembles a portrait of a town executioner found in the historical society that seemed to weird James out. Similarly, Henry Townshend (SH4 protag) isn’t involved in the cult, and also hadn’t done anything wrong. But Walter Sullivan is tied to the cult and trying to kill Henry and the Otherworld/town’s power is slowly seeping into other, nearby places. So the monsters are symbolic to Walter, not Henry.

There’s layers and a dimensional shift of sorts occurring between versions of the town. You have the regular town, the Fog World where subconscious parts of the mind can manifest acting as the sort of ‘purgatory/transition state’ between the Normal town and the Otherworld, the (often, but not always) rusty and bloody Otherworld, and Nowhere, which is a unique part of the Otherworld that pertains to Alessa in particular.

Yes, the fog was originally used to combat the hardware limitations of the time and became iconic. But the blood and rust isn’t exactly a part of the history of the town or anything and may not be the universal experience. Other characters might see something totally different based off of their own issues/mental state/etc. Angela’s Otherworld, for example, is more fleshy, blatantly (and uncomfortably) sexual, and on fire from the little we get to see of it because of what she did and what she went through. Laura, on the other hand, can move through the town easily and doesn’t see anything bad because she’s a little kid who, at worst, might be overwhelmingly lonely and have that influencing what she experiences. Meanwhile, Heather sees things that are fiery and fleshy/sometimes even womb-like, James sees things that are fleshy and kind of rusty and rotted, and Henry frequently sees things like giant umbilical cords when he uses a portal to leave his apartment.

Ultimately, the experience a character has depends on who they are, what they’ve done, and/or what their connection to the area is.

There’s a lot more to it than this response covers tbh, but I hope this at least gives you a better idea of what’s going on lol.

#anonymous #if that is your real name #silent hill

[holyluminarychaos]

Just getting it off my chest

(sorry about my english, that's not my main language)

This is not an attack on anyone, just a bad experience I had - By the way, trigger warning

Well, I just want to get this off my chest completely, since I've never told this story in full to anyone, because besides being embarrassing, it's hard to explain the concept of liking g/t.

For starters, I experienced grooming from an older guy when I was 14. Since I was very little, I've always really liked dynamics involving differences in size, I never felt anything sexual about those dynamics, I just liked it.

But this guy took advantage of that in me, and when he found out I liked it, he started introducing me to his fetish fantasies. Little by little, he showed me this more sexual side of the community, and at that point I was already 16, and we developed an unhealthy relationship. Time passed, and I found myself having to force me to fit into his fetishes, or he would become completely cold towards me and leave me aside(He said it was for me to reflect on what I did wrong, since he didn't accept excuses).

You people who like the giant/tiny dynamic should know how it feels to feel like a weirdo who is the only one in the world who likes this kind of thing. So when I met this person, I was really happy that I wasn't a sick person with weird taste.

Well, I never liked anything sexual. Never ever. But even so, I forced myself to stay in that relationship because I didn't want to feel alone.

He abused me. I mean, physically. We met on the internet, but we met face to face for the first time at an event in his city, I ended up having to sleep at his house for a few days because this event was hours away from my house and my ticket was valid for up to 4 days. I wasn't that stupid, some of our friends also went together, we all slept in the same room, but do you think that was enough to make him not try anything with me?

I really don't want to and I won't describe what it was like, because it's extremely traumatic for me. But at that time I was taking some prescription drugs, I remember feeling very dizzy and often having to stop to sit down during the event because of the vertigo it gave me.

A lot more things happened, but I don't want to write a bible. I just wanted to say that the person who did this to me has a YouTube channel and is making tons of money, without any consequences. I hate this world.

To think that this all happened because I like g/t... I wish this was less taboo, because if that were the case, I would understand that this guy was completely crazy and would have saved A LOT of sanity.

So, for any minors reading this, please don't be as innocent as me. Wait for the right moment to start a relationship, and NEVER have a relationship with older people. I know that what I went through is not restricted to the g/t community, there are bad people everywhere, so listen to what I say, I promise you that you don't want trauma like that.

On the bright side, because of this experience I discovered myself as asexual, yaaaay(help me)

#giant tiny #g/t #giant/tiny #size difference #gianttiny #gt

[genericflower]

Something took over and I need to rant about Steven Universe.

Mainly Peridot.

I was thinking about how when a characters is canonically aromantic/asexual it's exciting and nice to see

But I don't feel that way about Peridot. I've now realized my problem is less about the character and more with how they handled it

Factor 1: They choose to represent her being aro/ace by having her not take part in fusion

Implying that fusion is in some way sexual (or at the very least romantic) Meaning all of these are sexual or romantic acts:

(Stevonnie is fine if it's only romantic) So what they're saying is fusion is not just a reflection of connection in their varied relationships or even just a magic space power holding no strong meaning

I think worse is that Peridot not wanting to fuse/not liking fusion could have been used to show how autistic individuals don't connect with people in the same ways as neurotypical do

Factor 2: And this one is admittedly much more shallow but I think it help explain why her canon sexuality got ignored so hard by the fandom

Peridot is one of the only gems who gets screen time and gets to interact with other gems who isn't Steven's family/family coded

Like Garnet acts like a mom or aunt to Steven (and is technically spoken for) Pearl acts like a mom or aunt to Steven Amethyst acts more like a sister to Steven Lapis basically hates most of the cast Then most of the other gems are isolated/don't get enough screen time to develop much of a personality if any And almost every time a human shows interest in one of the gems they get shot down so there's that

Basically Peridot is set up to be the only strong character for shipping without splitting hairs on "is that actually okay?" - until they said 'actually she would never date anyone, not even smooch'

Like what was to stop them from making Amethyst the aro/ace character? They shot making Lapis one in the foot with the whole forced fusion plot point. They still could but with how asexuality gets associated with trauma it wouldn't look good OR make more than one main cast member display this sexuality - not everything has to be romantic driven (just seems weird that a show about relationships only show two romantic relationships develop)

(all other romantic relationships were already happening/happen off screen: Sadie and Shep, Garnet (Ruby and Sapphire), Rose and Greg, Rhodonite and Fluorite)

My man problem is the crew tied Peridot's sexuality to fusion which for me makes it feel like I'm in the trolley problem with: A. accept Peridot as aro/ace and that Steven who is a child did a romantic/sexual with most the main cast who are his family (outside of Connie) or B. ignore Peridot's sexuality and see fusion as a non-romantic/non-sexual act that could be romantic (like an embrace) I know that I can see Peridot as aro/ace without seeing fusion as sexual but the hoops I have to jump through to reach that makes it feel more like a headcanon then actual canon so it's just frustrating

THE ONLY REASON I FEEL THIS WAY IS THEY ACT LIKE HER NOT WANTING TO FUSE IS IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE THAT SHE'S AROMANTIC AND ASEXUAL (They 100% could have just said "Peridot is aro/ace because she is." Instead of linking it to fusion directly!)

#steven universe #su #peridot #steven universe peridot #steven universe fusion #like boo-hoo whatever on the shipping part #they should have set hard rules for fusion if they were going to say things like this #it's insane that Steg happened AFTER Peridot was confirmed as aro/ace #like what did the crew expect people to think after saying fusion was romantic/sexual???

[tomwambsgans]

that gay brother/little sister post you reblogged was soooo juicy so now i wanna ask your thoughts on gay roman (i’m absolutely a gay roman truther)

so i'm not attached enough to roman to have TOO many pre-formed thoughts on this but i'm gay enough i can't not have thoughts, so. another disclaimer, due to my lack of attachment i'm not whatsoever married to the notion of either kendall or roman (or shiv for that matter) being gay as opposed to bi. however i have eyes and a brain so i know they're all not straight, like that much is basically textual.

but anyway. when it comes to any of the roy siblings and homosexuality, i'll say my very first thought is this monologue from Angels in America. not that they would necessarily have that exact ideology about it, but those notions would greatly inform their attitude about themselves. imo roman, with his inclination toward fascistic masculinity in particular, would be the most likely to overtly think these things, and i do think he kind of does. roman knows that he's unable to get off with normative sex, but he also explicitly derides "liberal butt-love" and implicitly (sometimes explicitly) all the non-conforming and gender-bending stuff that goes along with it. that's at least partially because he's talking about a category of people that he does not belong to, due to being far above it. it's often the case for those who are rich and powerful and condemn the same "deviant" practices that they themselves engage in, whether it's gay sex, or just generally non-normative sex, abortion, etc. it's okay for me, but not for you.

but that's just one piece to roman's puzzle because there's also clearly shame wrt masculinity (logan's masculinity) and also some sexual trauma involved. i think kieran and/or one of the writers has said something about not wanting to pin Why Roman Is Like That on anything in particular, like not wanting to definitively say that something happened to him as a kid, but honestly i think it's extremely unlikely that he'd be like that about sex if nothing did. maybe it was very complicated and it not any singular event, but there's got to be something. some sexual depth to his childhood abuse that never got explicitly touched on. other people much more invested in roman than i have done really good meta on the roys' relationships to their bodies (like w the Summer of Competetive Eating Disorders), so i'm not gonna try to rehash those other ppl's thoughts, but in short that's the sort of thing i think of when i'm trying to imagine what the fuck happened to roman. like just over-arching themes of The Boot throughout roman's life, the lack of ownership over his own body in a way that reflects femininity and strips him of manhood, whether at home or at military school, etc.

i mean, we (as in the audience) are definitely at least supposed to wonder, like when it's implied that Mo's pederasty wasn't exclusive to girls (Don't Get In The Pool With Him), but also, if anything of that nature happened to him and informed roman's relationship with his sexuality, i have to also think that roman doesn't actually remember. his whole thing in austerlitz where he jokes to connor "i'm gonna tell them you diddled me" gives me the sense that maybe roman just kind of wishes it was that cut-and-dry, because then he'd have something specific to blame his whole deal on.

anyway. this is about roman being gay, not specifically sexually Weird - i just think the context of all that is relevant to how he'd conceptualize himself and any gay feelings he has. and i do think that if and when roman has ever had sex with men, he probably does lump it in with the fact that he can't have Normal sex. i think roman would have to undergo a lot of character development to ever consider it normal sex. honestly, simply recieving a handjob from his personal trainer was likely "wrong" enough for roman to get off despite how the average gay man would see it as extremely vanilla compared to roman needing to be degraded or fantasizing about necrophilia. growing up with logan "i didn't figure you for a faggot" roy would have, of course, really reinforced the ideas about that being Wrong.

(speaking of logan dropping the f slur, i think it's interesting that despite how roman acts anti-woke in front of others, he's shocked when logan says it. it's clearly crossing a line even for him, almost certainly because he's been abused with this word throughout his life. :'/)

so yeah i don't think roman would ever call himself gay (or even bi or queer) even if he is. and as for the matter of if he is, like as in, if tabitha and gerri are exceptions... i honestly don't know, but i don't think roman knows either. i think the relationship he has with love and sex, his own body and others, the very concept of desire and the love and affection and closeness he seeks out... are genuinely so gnarled and complicated, and wrapped up in all the aforementioned shame and abuse, that figuring out where gender factors into it would - once again - basically require years of therapy on his part.

it's definitely very plausible to me that kinky, non-normative sex is something he only needs in order to get off with women because he has no innate desire for them even when he loves them (and roman definitely has a lot of love inside of him that he will bend over backwards to give and recieve). but it's just as plausible that roman's association of feelings of wrongness with sexual pleasure is in fact unrelated to whatever gendered desire he has or doesn't have. his attraction to men is, funnily enough, more undeniable to me than his attraction to women is, but i do think that how it's portrayed in the show emphasizes roman's role in the world more than desire he holds inside of him. i always think of that one tweet that's like "whenever there's a guy that needs to be seduced, instead of shiv or some other hot woman they send roman." and his role as the Desired One (aka Practically A Woman) is likely a sort of spite factor in him wanting to deny overt homosexual interest too, since it's kind of imposed on him before he has a chance to say anything about who he is.

it's funny bc roman is the one male character where like... i simultaneously like the idea of them being gay and enjoy their relationships with women. he's just so complicated that he kind of exists outside the constructions of sexual orientation? like not in the "he's closeted and he's never coming out so even if he's gay, he's also not" way, but "this guy would not be able to figure out how to define attraction or desire to begin with." gerri being the love of his life and the notion of him being gay are not whatsoever mutually exclusive in my mind, because he's just that complicated.

finally i wanna say, again, that i'm not extremely attached to roman. nowhere near to the degree that i care about tom and greg. which i say because yknow.. i want to kill and maim when i see anything implying that either tom or greg are anything but gay. idk how you feel about it but i'd totally sympathize if you were the same about roman, lol. and i wanna emphasize that it's very likely the only reason i'm not necessarily a gay roman truther is because i haven't thought about it enough. i'd love to see anyone else's gay roman meta if they have it.

#roman roy #anonymous #meta #mine

[cipheramnesia]

Can you talk about Thelma (2017)?

Thelma is too much for one ask, but I can try. I'm fairly confident there are some specific religious and cultural touchstones I'm not familiar enough to unpack for starters, and the movie itself is so dense with possible readings that I could approach it from at least three separate angles. It's like... where exactly do I start at this?

Just on the most surface level, we're looking at an X-Men situation with the sudden introduction a superhuman ability in someone's life is used to parallel a wide array of different experiences of systemic oppression - I think mainly patriarchal, sexual, and religious but these are all wrapped together in much the same was as they tend to be in individual lives.

What personally gets my heart aflutter over Thelma are its queer elements. Not that these can be neatly separated from the others, but the way it plays with a level of ambiguity in the attraction between the protagonist and her love interest feels especially true to the queer experience of wondering if we're experiencing kind of real mutual attraction, or if we're only seeing things in our imagination - the way queerness is treated as something taboo, even when it's socially permissible, makes finding personal connections a delicate process of hope and guessing. It transforms the relationship elements of the movie seen through that specific lens, including moments where our protagonist is struggling so hard against herself that she tries to make her own sexuality vanish.

But it doesn't operate exclusively as a queer movie, and that's part of why there's just... just so much stuff to try and work through here. I feel like a huge amount of the underlying text of the movie rests on how her capabilities horrify her parents and prompt them to find ways to suppress them, to keep her under control. Additionally, the way she works her way through the medical system as they find themselves at a loss to discern any easy answers to her symptoms. And for that matter, the notion that her supernatural abilities are themselves something wrong with her is also rife with meaning to any disenfranchised group, not just queers or women or non-xians.

I suppose it's a little weird to discuss what I think the movie is about without bringing up... what the movie is about, but there's not a large amount that happens precisely. Or more directly the plot, unadorned, is not particularly complicated. Although I expect if you're hanging around this blog, you might be really interested to learn about a movie which is all about a young woman developing supernatural powers to control reality, and eventually breaking free from her oppressive (albeit loving) xian parents.

Not to sound pretentious, if this was made in the USA, it would be quite a bit more spectacle and flash. Thelma the movie and protagonist both are quiet revolutions, tense with knowing something extraordinary is happening, but not knowing how much will survive it. Some of it put me in mind of Dario Argento, even if it's not quite as flamboyant, there's an emotional intensity and an obsessive focus to the camera work that feels familiar. The colors are not quite as bright and primary as Argento's work, but they feel dense and saturated in the same way. If a movie like X-Men captures the explosive emotions and anger of learning you're different in some way society does not accept, Thelma captures its alternate quite despair and seething rage.

But this all really just gets maybe a little under the surface. I would happily translate the family losing a son to their daughters power as metaphoric to how some families treat their trans children. The ambiguity of the ending, the significance of the birds and snakes as metaphors, the use of symbolic reflections all need greater exploration to the point where this film has a fair thesis worth of material contained within. It's a rare, special, and complicated movie which I would hope everyone takes the time to see (with the exception of people with serious medical concerns over flashing lights, it has A LOT of those). Thelma is about making the decision to burn bright while everyone around you sits with quietly folded hands.

#thelma 2017 #thelma 2018 #horror movies #queer horror #Joachim Trier