#really hitting me hard recently how much I’ve been used in terms of like

[thehateinc]

And I bring this up ALLLLLLL the time that I’m so lonely and so scared but like. I’ve been so angry at ppl for existing lately and it’s honestly probably bc if I wasn’t I would have nothing to think about much less offer when in conversations

#really hitting me hard recently how much I’ve been used in terms of like #just being a vessel to listen #everything I say is fake pretty much #like today my mom told me she was getting a cavity and I said something like ‘you need to brush harder and use mouthwash’ #and she got mad at me and I know why (bc she doesn’t want to be reminded of her shortcomings) #but I genuinely had nothing else to say #and didn’t know how to explain that #I am empty inside #me

[peachjagiya]

Hello hello.

I recently discovered your blog and I like it very much. I love they way you express your opinion and the way you explain things to make your point.

To be honest, I am a baby army. Started listening BTS at the beginning of this year (I KNOW, what the f was I doing before? No fucking clue ugh!). This also makes me a new Taekook stand, which can be super overwhelming. Reading you blog helps puts things into perspective but I still have a few questions and I would like to know your opinion (sorry if you’ve talked about this before!) I have a lot to catch up on in terms. And find to this, social media edits do not help. They are very biased to say the least

Anyway, on to the questions.

1. When do you think Taekook became a couple? From what I’ve seen and felt, I felt a change in 2020 in the dynamic of everything. This being the videos posted, the run bts episodes, the interviews … I might be wrong but I felt a shift then and wanted to know your opinion.

2. In terms of group dynamics, how do you think the other members feel in terms of Taekook? Like I try to put myself in their shoes and it must be hard to have a good dynamic if they have couple’s fights and things like that…

3. In terms on Fan Service, I can’t help but feel bad when Tae has to witness the constant push of FS between JK and Jimin and unable to express or do anything about it. What do you think about the maknae line’s dynamic in regards to this?

There’s so much information out here sometimes I find myself doubting that they’re actually together but then I witness some instances that brings back my faith.

Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to answer. I appreciate it. Sorry if my questions are all over the place, my thoughts themselves are all over the place with this subject and I CANT SLEEEPPPP!

Bear with, it’s going to be a long one!

I’m baby army too. A year now. I just happen to be the kind of person who goes all in and devours content.

Social media edits are so discombobulating for new fans. I definitely found myself falling for some edits that I no longer consider. Fake subtitles, slow motion moments that aren’t actually moments, quora rumours… it’s a lot. I still have to remind myself what’s factual and what’s a rumour I read on a K-pop prediction Twitter. It’s a minefield. I’ve found tumblr quite useful because there’s a lot of people here who can put things into context and clarify and provide the perspective of army who were there at the time. I hope you look at my comments because that’s where the real sense is!

1. When do you think Taekook became a couple? From what I’ve seen and felt, I felt a change in 2020 in the dynamic of everything. This being the videos posted, the run bts episodes, the interviews … I might be wrong but I felt a shift then and wanted to know your opinion.

I wrote a timeline but my thoughts have evolved a bit. I think basically they’ve always been circling each other, always been interested but a combination of hormones and the massiveness of pursuing a relationship they’re societally or business-ly discouraged from having created a lot of shifting and drama. I think maybe early confessions, kissing, all that young love stuff might have occurred here.

I’ve been reading some really interesting thoughts and having great discussion about the various members relationship with the company and how this plays with Taekook.

The conclusion I keep coming to, based only on my reading of it, is that Tae seems to be a rebel with strong will to prioritise his heart, company be damned, but JK seems to be more inclined to follow his head despite his heart being huge and loud. His heart wins more and more though and that’s why you get this on and off vibe of the first half of their ten years.

2018 feels pivotal in that both of them hit a wall of pressure and seemed to separate off into a distinct unit. They get each other, they’re each others self-confessed safe space. They’re united even when the rest of the members aren’t getting through. I’m less convinced now that this was a getting together - maybe a resolve to work through complicated stuff together though.

I’d agree 2020 is a shift and that’s where I’d place it. I’m about to get overwrought but I’m thinking about it a bit lately: Think about like pandemic and the impact that had on the whole world. Suddenly work isn’t the most important thing, suddenly a shift in everyone’s priorities. I know a few people who, despite the scariness of it, actually found they were able to breathe and reassess. I decided to move my entire life back to my hometown and quit my job, very heart over head decision. I wonder if this enforced period of quiet let them reassess too. BTS Monuments shows Tae quiet and alone at home but a jacket that looks like JKs in the back. Maybe they saw each other without the intense workload. Time to talk, time to just be them and see how that worked. And hiatus/chapter two might just be a natural continuation of that. JK seems as goal oriented as ever but braver at prioritising himself and Tae seems to be the same and maybe for the first time their ambitions in heart and head are aligned which lets them move forward more smoothly.

2. In terms of group dynamics, how do you think the other members feel in terms of Taekook? Like I try to put myself in their shoes and it must be hard to have a good dynamic if they have couple’s fights and things like that…

I have a feeling it’s a professional minefield but personally that’s just their best friends in love. Maybe it makes their life a little harder to have a secret to hide but I don’t think they’d resent them. I bet they all have things they need to hide. From what they’ve said, I think Jimin might have been really entwined in it. He’s a natural carer, protective of them both. He’s often first on the scene when Tae is sad and he’s often implied he’s been there when Tae has been crying.

As for couple fights, I think about that post-Tokyo intense awkwardness between Tae and JK where they’re visibly annoyed with each other. That’s one time when it seemed the other guys were involved a little. They just seemed hyper aware of the awkward but kind of eyerolly. The thing about teens and early twenties is that you think everyone wants to know your drama. I’d imagine with maturity, they probably keep fights between themselves.

On an amusing side thought, I’ve seen two videos of potential times of discontent between Tae and JK where Yoongi has given the impression of being quietly in Tae’s corner. I think those two get each other in a really low key way that I find quite lovely.

3. In terms on Fan Service, I can’t help but feel bad when Tae has to witness the constant push of FS between JK and Jimin and unable to express or do anything about it. What do you think about the maknae line’s dynamic in regards to this?

I think it’s had an impact but not where you’d expect. The TikTok edits would have you believe Tae is seething in the corner but I don’t know if that’s entirely true. I have seen video of him seemingly rolling his eyes after laughing at Jimin and JK but it seemed notable because of how isolated it was? He is quite good at a poker face though, right? He bides his time and fills in the real details eventually. Again this is only my sense but I feel a little awkwardness between JK and Jimin over it now it’s happening less? Any time you’re expected to pretend anything is a massive mental drain on anyone. But equally, they’ve entered the buddy system together and I’m assuming that hasn’t been forced on them? So hopefully they just remain close and the fan service was all strictly business for them. Maybe I’m just imagining that they seem weird with each other.

There’s so much information out here sometimes I find myself doubting that they’re actually together but then I witness some instances that brings back my faith.

The universal Taekook experience. 😂 it’s natural to doubt. It feels too good to be true.

Thank you for lovely words and great questions, anon 💜

#my asks #taekook

[chubs-deuce]

Hi, fellow writer/artist here! This is about your recent post about struggling with your writing, and I found that I had a lot to say and I didn’t want to clog up the comment section, I hope it’s alright that I sent it this way, and if its too long or not helpful, my apologies XD

My number one tip: there are no rules! Writing is fun time! It’s kids finger painting with words! Its emotions! It’s characters we love, and stories our hearts or brains or some other parts of us wanna tell! Always lean into what sounds the most fun when you’re stuck! Even if you never use it! <3

In my experience, some writing is better than no writing when you feel like it's not good. Sometimes to get out of being stuck I find it best to just keep typing, even if it stops making sense, or i hit enter twice and start rattling off a new scene or a different story entirely! Sometimes I will literally just type ‘why does writing feel so hard. This feeelsss dumb blah blah blahblahblah fuuuuuck fuuuuuuuuuuuck why do I feel so stuck -’ And so on until eventually my brain thinks of something else haha – literally just a brain dump. Type any random word that comes to mind. Sometimes I just open a clean document and go at it with this, you can always copy paste anything remotely relevant that may come out of it somewhere else later.

The rewrite loop is a hard one, I find that when I'm stuck in that space, sometimes taking a step back and just literally making a bullet point list of the scenes and/or what I want to accomplish really helps! Recently I also started going through and highlighting certain passages or concepts in the document that are poignant to the themes or vibes of the story/ that I wanna circle back around to in some way. Its been helping me keep things a bit more consistent in terms of emotion, and has helped a lot with ‘scene-block’. Bc instead of being like ‘uhhhh okay what now?’ I can always look back through the highlights and see what needs to be carried through more – or it can spark a new idea from thinking over how to get to that specific point you want to reach!

Sometimes when writing feels too daunting to me I’ll literally just tell myself “that’s okay. You don’t have to write. You can do literally anything else.” And sometimes just that, the verbal removal of the pressure, can loosen things up – especially if I do want to be writing. But sometimes, you really just do need a break from it. Picking up another hobby to fill writing time when I’m burnt out really helps me out!

I’ve taken months away from all sorts of writing projects before (both fan work and personal) bc there was just a block. And it sucks. I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with this, it’s such a frustrating experience.

Honestly, sometimes writing can help you work through something IRL, but other times I find that sometimes the writing has to wait until I’ve hit a certain milestone personally. There’s a project of mine I pick up maybe once a year. Maybe. Because it just can’t have what I need it to until I sort some of those personal things out in my own life.

I’ve also noticed how much your Charlastor Fankid AU has taken off (Love Dawn btw), and you expressed recently how you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of asks/etc with the executive dysfunction of it all (same btw) (I’m also the person from the comment on that - hi lol). I wouldn’t be surprised if some of those pressure-feelings you’ve expressed have bled over into your other WIPs, pls be kind to yourself <3

Think how long people waited for Hazbin content from Viv, or any other number of indie-origin fandoms. When people love an idea or a style or any other number of things, the people it resonates with are happy to give the person or people behind it time. You can tell when someone enjoys making things. When something is made with that passionate spark. I want you to know that your posts really do have that. I can tell how much love you have to give through your work. People who like your stuff aren’t going to disappear if you need to take a minute to breathe, you know? I know the world we live in, and the faux-perfection of the internet can make us creatives feel like we need to be machines, but it’s not true. We’re people. And other decent folks will be happy to respect that!

Creativity and how we express it is very personal, and everyone’s process is different, so I can only really speak from my own perspective here, but you’re doing great. Your work is amazing, and I hope your writer’s block clears up soon!

I hope this message doesn’t come off weird in any way, with this massive message out of ‘nowhere’, my heart just really went out to you on this from one writer and artist to another. I also sent this as an ask bc for some reason sending a DM this long felt weird given that we haven't really spoken before.

Good luck with everything! Always here if you need another creative person to complain to or chat with LOL

- Lizzie

sobbing, this actually made me so (positively) emotional man-

Thank you so so so much for taking the time to type all this out and reach out like this, it honestly means the world from me, especially since your ask here really is oozing with empathy and care in ways that surprisingly hit me in the feels pretty good???

I'm sorry I didn't respond to this sooner but I kind of couldn't muster the energy to give it the kind of response it deserves that wasn't just senseless keysmashing sdkjhsdkjfh

what's wack about my particular kind of writer's block is that I'm more than happy to ramble on and on about Dawn and my ideas for her story in asks etc, but to make a coherent story of it feels like an undoable feat somehow?

I've always had a knack for piecing together a plot out of thin air or based on next to nothing to go off of, but it's actually putting it into a consumable format that I always, ALWAYS get hung up on, and it bothers me to no end :'3

Your reassuring words genuinely really help a lot in soothing my fears of, well, I guess irrelevancy?

I do ultimately write for myself, but I can't help but feel like there's a ticking clock in the back of my brain that tells me I need to make something consumable before the "fad" around Dawn especially passes and most people that would've cared about a fic about her have already moved on, if that makes sense?

It's a stupid amount of pressure to put on myself and maybe even sounds kind of arrogant, but I do thrive off of seeing people react to and think out loud about things I'm passionate about - it's a connection, a communication of sorts, something I'll never not desperately crave.

I've been having so much fun with Dawn and the story surrounding her and I couldn't be happier that people are so engaging with what I put out in turn! So much so that a part of me dreads seeing when that will come to an end ^^"

I'll keep trying though, and keep doing what I love <3

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out like this, a lot of this is something I definitely needed to hear and words can't express how much I sincerely appreciate it ;w;

#I also might actually take you up on that last sentence offer - likewise my dms are always open <3 #chubs answers #writing advice

[tumblhurgoyf]

Feeling super negative for a multitude of reasons, some not Magic related at all, but the recent talk on Blogatog about “microset” products just feels so out of touch. I don’t want to bring that negativity on one of Mark’s posts as I’m not sure I could be polite about it and I’ve mostly just dismissed the product as not for me already anyway. But I do want to vent.

First it’s like $1 a card for random cards? That’s nuts. Boosters are already overpriced with all the commons included. They worked some really good PR speak by explaining away cutting the commons to give you more rares and uncommons, but the reality is you’re just paying more for less. It’s not like those rare slots are actually going to ever reach an EV that makes it a good gamble.

Second let’s talk about product fatigue. Like not only is this an additional release (or four) a year, but you’re doing normal and collector’s boosters for this as well? Holy fuck.

The fact that Mark’s openly work shopping what variation of this product players might actually shell out money for tells me it’s not received well. I haven’t seen a positive video about it at all.

It’s a shame though that they can’t give their golden goose a bit of breathing room though. I shared that post the other day about... let me find it for the term... trust thermocline. The basic idea is that people who like your product will stick with you through some missteps and bad ideas. And you won’t even notice how bad all of them are because sales keep increasing and people keep paying higher prices and buying new stuff and all that.

But at some point you hit that trust thermocline. Something pushes a lot of people over the edge. You walk it back but it’s too late. Because the thing is that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. They didn’t leave because of one bad story, or because $5 a pack was too much but $4.50 wasn’t, or because two dozen products a year was ok but thirty went to far.

They left because of all of it. The last thing is just what made them finally say “enough.” And once they say enough and leave, you don’t get them back. It’s hard to see because things keep chugging along and all your numbers and metrics look fine. But I feel like Wizards has to be approaching this. I wonder about why they stopped including space at the end of surveys for additional comments. Too much negativity they don’t want to put any effort into handling?

On a different front, I’m also not enjoying the lore changes they’ve dropped with this same product. I am willing to admit that I’m somehow still too close to the story to really take a step back and appreciate this; that could change with time. But my reaction right now is that desparking a lot of planeswalkers while opening rifts so anyone and anything can now travel the multiverse is just stupid. You’ve just eviscerated the story conceit that made planeswalkers special.

idk, I wasn’t thrilled with how they handled the team up cards anyway, and to me this feels like the next step of that. We got to see unlikely allies on cards, now what if we got stories where Thalia was on Ravnica fighting the Obzedat? It feels (I keep intentionally using the word feels to describe this--it’s my emotional reaction detached from the idea that they’re going to be able to tell cool stories they couldn’t otherwise tell), anyway, it feels like they just tossed out a core story concept and don’t even realize it.

Like as much shit they get for the world of hats approach, I think that really works for what they do and is part of what I enjoy. I’m honestly in part concerned that the recent big events that effect the entire multiverse and set up this situation where planes can blend a lot more freely could impact the distinct feel of different worlds. And while I’m sure that’s something that’s on creative’s radar, they’ve also burned enough trust in recent years that I’m doubtful they will handle it well.

Though at the same time this feels kind of par for the course. There have been so many let downs in Magic story over the years that the amazing part is that I’m still invested at all. But the story’s a slave to corporate needs and is undoubtedly more story-by-committee than ever. A left-right punch to KO any creative work for sure.

But I shouldn’t be surprised. They are not and have never really tried to say they’re anything else. They make blockbuster sets and want blockbuster stories to go along with it. Anyone who wants a fantasy card game with DC/Marvel story sensibilities to produce artistic short fiction is a damned fool.

Anyway this is just me venting. Could all be wrong. Time will tell. If you want to vent here feel free.

#actually also kind of realizing #aside from not wanting to be mean and negative to mark #I recognize that my thoughts here are so far removed from what wizards is doing and has been doing #that I don't even think it would be useful to engage and offer these thoughts #like they stopped doing additional survey comments for a reason #they don't want to hear it #I think mark does #he is very genuine and real #but it feels like enough of the higher ups at hasbro are just there to milk the cash cow #that it's kind of pointless to do or say anything to them

[panicawa]

ADHD+feedback=agony

This is going to be a long and possibly boring text post about art and posting art online, with some self-reflection on top. I don’t usually do these and it’s been ages since I’ve actually written any kind of a longer text, but I really need to put these thoughts onto imaginary digital paper. I’d appreciate if you read it through and if you could give me any form of feedback on this! Your own experiences and etc. I do art because it’s a part of my ADHD-ridden personality, this desire to create always buzzing inside, it’s neither and both work and hobby for me, something I love and hate the most in life, because it tortures me as much as it fills me with joy. So if you ask me ‘hey, what’s your purpose for drawing? What’s your goal, your endgame?’ the answer is really ‘there’s none, it’s more of a curse, it’s just something that makes me alive so I can’t help but continue, cause if I stop it feels like I’d vanish or lose myself completely’. I can’t say I’ve done all other forms of media to express myself, but I’ve tried a lot of things (poetry, photography, music, cosplay, crafting and so on and so forth) and nothing comes close to drawing. And I’m not even sure if ‘expressing myself’ is a right way to put it because it’s not that my art is any kind of deep and meaningful, I just illustrate plots and characters I find appealing in some way or another, for the most part. Now, I don’t consider myself to be a professional, but I also have 20+ years of experience at this point so I might as well be, depending on how you look at it. All self-beating aside, I like to think that my art is at somewhat plausible level at the moment? I am proud of how far I’ve come despite everything and I can still see a lot of progress happening, and god knows I work my ass off to continue improving. The main thing I want to address here is how erratic and incomprehensible my online feedback has been recently and how it makes my brain perform loops of dissociation.  I wish I didn’t care for feedback at all, but sadly I do,  it’s what gives me the most dopamine. I’ve recently discovered it’s yet-another ADHD thing. Nothing else in life makes me as fulfilled as seeing other people enjoy my pictures, it’s just pure joy without any downsides to it. It’s really not about financial gain from art or fame and popularity, but just creating something new and then seeing people have a positive emotional response to it is what lights up my life and helps to get through all the shit it throws at me. And considering that my family is mostly completely disinterested in what I create (which has been hurting me more than I can describe since I was a little baby), and my paranoia makes it hard to accept compliments from friends and partners, online feedback has been the best medicine for me. I used to tell myself one day I will get good enough to have some following that would be excited about my art and give me constant feedback in return, because that’s what I always saw happen to other artists. I never aimed to be the most popular or to achieve certain numbers of likes, just being ‘good, on average’ was the ideal for me as long as I’ve had a constant crowd behind. I thought, a lot of musicians of the past don’t really make any more new hit songs, but they still can gather a crowd of long-term fans at a concert, right? Once you make it to some level of popularity you never really go into a complete oblivion, as long as you’re still working your craft and putting it out there? And there have been times in my life where I thought that the moment has finally happened and was now my reality, that my art was finally well enough to climb into ‘popular post’ tiers, and that I have gathered enough audience to have a stable interest in my publications, but it never lasted too long. I understand how social media work, how people change hobbies and fandoms, and how the world around us changes altogether, but recently the ride has been too wild for me to comprehend. Although I have a significant number of followers on all my main social media (tumblr, twitter, IG) (and a lot of those followers are fresh newcomers too), the feedback has just been... all over the place. I understand that I’m dipping into different fandoms here and there (then again, the vast majority of them are extremely popular on their own, so you’d think that should help the situation too?) and I’m experimenting with my art styles, but no matter how hard I try there’s just no consistency. I post something that I’m sure will do well and it does. I post something I’m sure will do well again and it completely flops. I post some scribes for fun and it goes super high. I post another funny thing and there’s no response. One post gets 10k likes, the next one gets 30 likes. Then the next one gets 5k. Then 15. I feel like I have no control over it at all, no understanding. It feels like playing a roulette. Just up to chance every time. It’s the same on all social platforms so I don’t think I could attribute it to algorithms only. How can I ever try to invest time and energy into bigger projects if I can’t even estimate if it has a chance of being any sort of likeable? Is my art just extremely non-consistent on its own and I just don’t notice? What’s going on??? I’m entirely grateful for big numbers but I’d really rather have them spread through most things I post? Of course some publications are going to be more popular than others, it’s perfectly fine, but while 300 likes on some posts and 600 likes on other is understandable, the gaps between 10k+ and less-than-30 are just too extreme? Especially when they happen one after the other? I swear I never see this with other people and it just makes my brain intolerable. For all those of you who have reached the bottom of this rant, thank you! If you have any thoughts to share or similar experiences, please do let me know! My main concern here is how to battle this feeling of am-I-going-insane-or-what, and not the numbers of likes. Finding any way out of this would be good because it has really interfered with my art process lately and I hateeee it!

#big text post

[euphoricfilter]

i’m so tired of searching for fics and just people in general that don’t see or treat jimin completely different than the rest of the members. idk how to explain it? but nothing he does, none of the others don’t. and yet he gets treated like this absolute baby girl feminine princess. an almost 30 year old man. it just feels like everyone else in bts smut land is respected as a man even the most babiest babies like jk and jin. and the babies with duality like hobi and tae. but jimin? no he’s not a man from busan who gets angry easily, always talks his shit and always flirts with fans. isn’t extremely and has always been sexually expressive and a tease. from filter to serendipity to like crazy to that video of him in paris with those girls at a party like ugh. i feel like i’m the only one that sees jimin like how we see every other man who we respect and don’t demasculinze and misgender based on stereotypes. i just want soft dom, cute boyfie jimin fics, without it being all about switch stuff and sub jimin stuff. a man can be sweet and pretty and still be a man, and act as such in and out of a relationship 😭 this was a random rant but searching jimins name on reddit and twitter got me so mad at seeing him being projected onto and emasculated and dehumanized because of he’s a sweetheart. anyways i’m candy anon. much like jimin, sweet and soft but also sometimes hard and sour. all yummy. (also jimins busan satori is the hottest thing on earth, when he gets mad or upset, which is a lot lol. his native accent coming out? >>>)

no i kinda know what you mean!! i think people feel like ‘femininity’ (within whatever capacity we’re talking about) and dominance are exclusive events and can’t coincide?

i think we’ve mentioned it recently on this blog how open we think jimin is about sex as whole 🚶‍♀️i agree!! he’s very sexually expressive, especially through his solo songs and projects where he’s able to express himself as an individual 🕺

as a writer— and as mentioned like months ago, when i started writing requests (which was meant to be a joke but became way out of hand), barely any one ever requests jimin. i think i got one request out of 30+?🚶‍♀️ and i don’t know if it’s just my page.. or if it’s because it’s kinda obvious that i find it hard to write any of the members as subs or as a switch (simply because i don’t have a dominant bone in my body and even though i don’t necessarily see myself as the ‘reader’ in my fics, it’s hard to write the “other” character as a sub) and therefore no one was interested because they saw jimin as a switch or more subby

i think for people it’s easy to demascluinize jimin simply because he’s come to terms with himself and has been open that yeah, he isn’t what you’d call a “classic male” or doesn’t present as a “typical man” but i think that some people can’t comprehend that just because someone shows more feminine traits or qualities, or has been open about not forcing a stupid, outdated agenda onto himself. doesn’t mean he’s any less of a man 🧍‍♀️

soft dom jimin ☹️ going back to what i was saying a couple of days ago. he’s definitely the type of guy to do a lot of research to make sure he knows a lot and that what you’re doing is gonna be a safe experience for the both of you and just :( he’d definitely be a pleasure dom too. and would definitely be open about sex as a topic, probably doesn’t shy away from much

it’s okay!! i quite enjoy having these kinds of conversations with people but it’s not often i get to have them 💞

i really do see what you mean though. a lot of the twitter aus i’ve read, either it be member x member or jimin x reader he’s always basically portrayed the same in most if not all fics.

if i ever stumble across any fun dom jimin fics i’ll reblog them for you 🙏 and obviously try and write some good stuff as well whenever inspiration or motivation hits 💪

candy anon 🫂🫂🫂 that’s so cute 😭

jimin using satoori >>>>> 🕺

anyways! if you wanna go deeper into this topic at any time or literally anything else i’d love to just chat about stuff. it’s always interesting to see other peoples’ opinions on things like this

#ask #candy anon #🍭

[one-abuse-survivor]

first i want to say, i know you won’t be able to remember or find it because i didn’t sign it or anything, but a long time ago i vented to you about the abuse and trauma i was enduring, and i wanted to let you know that i’m in a much better state of mind now, and i’ve learned a lot of coping skills that have helped me emotionally regulate to the point i can function. thank you for listening to me during that time and being so supportive, it really helped a lot.

now comes a content warning: [mentions of abuse, physical assault, violence, rape]. i’d like to ask your thoughts on something new. i’m a young adult now, been one for years, i’m working on building my own life and everything, have a healthy romantic relationship now and all that. not everything is perfect, but things are pretty good compared to how it used to be. recently, i started having frequent vivid nightmares. it’s not just general scary stuff. i had a dream that a boy i’ve only talked to a few times raped me. he’s never done that in real life. the dream still felt real. i’ve had multiple nightmares about my dad physically and emotionally abusing me and my family. there’s lots of hitting. last night, i dreamt that he was physically assaulting us, and he even choked me out. i thought he was going to try to kill me. the dreams about my dad have relevance to real life, as he has abused us in real life, though not to the level of violence that my dreams have. i thought the nightmares might be part of trying to finally start to recover from long-term trauma. but some of the dreams don’t have anything to do with trauma i’ve endured. they’re always traumatic, but not trauma i’ve had in real life. i really don’t know what to think or to do. i’ve never had nightmares this bad before, not even in the midst of my real-life trauma. it makes it hard to sleep. i even feel afraid to sleep sometimes, like if one wakes me up in the middle of the night, i might try to stay awake because i’m afraid of what else i might experience when i fall back asleep. on one hand i want to know why i’m having so many so often, so that maybe i can use that information to help relieve myself of them. on the other, i want to know how to cope with them. i know they aren’t real, logically speaking, but i am having real, painful emotional and cognitive experiences, so the knowledge that it “isn’t real” doesn’t really help me. i wanted to ask your thoughts on this. thank you again for listening :) i hope you have a great day ♥️

Hi, nonnie! I might not know what your previous ask was, but I'm really glad to hear from you again and to hear you're doing well. I'm really glad to have been of help ❤️

The nightmares you've been having sound horrific, and I'm really sorry you're going through this :(

I can tell you that it's not uncommon to develop new symptoms of (C-)PTSD years after the traumatic events have stopped. So yes, the nightmares only recently starting up can be a PTSD symptom, even if they never happened during the time you went through the trauma. But I'm not a professional, and I can't really tell you why you're having them so often. I can theorise, and say that maybe as you've progressed in your recovery and have started to feel safe in your real life, your subconscious is feeding you horrible traumatic scenarios in an attempt to keep you prepared in case anything bad happens again, like it doesn't want to let its guard fully down yet. But that's just one possible reason this could be happening.

Also, although I've never had a phase of frequent nightmares as severe as yours, I have had many trauma nightmares over the years, and I've also dreamt about my mother doing things she never actually did in real life. So, you're not the only one! And I personally think it makes sense. Dreams aren't coherent or rational, and they naturally tend to mix reality with fiction, at least for me. So I personally don't worry too much about my trauma nightmares being an accurate reflection of the abuse I endured.

As for ways to cope with the nightmares, I'm afraid I also can't be of much help. I can tell you that certain habits can make us more prone to vividly experiencing/remembering our dreams. For example, if you consistently don't get enough sleep, your brain might sink directly into the deep sleep phase when you go to bed, and that can make you more aware of what you're dreaming. On a different note, one thing that used to help me years ago (not with nightmares, but with insomnia) was to fall asleep while reading the most boring books I could find, and not stop reading until I fell asleep. Maybe this could work as a distraction for you, to keep your mind away from replaying your previous nightmares in your mind as you fall asleep.

Is therapy an option for you currently? It sounds like a good therapist could give you some guidance on how to cope with the nightmares, and could also dig deeper into why this is happening and maybe give you some outlets or exercises to work through what's causing them.

I hope things get better soon. Sending all my support your way ❤️

#Ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Rape tw #Sa tw #Physical assault tw #Violence tw #Nightmares tw #Ptsd tw #Physical abuse mention #Choking tw #Abusive father tw #Abusive father

[balladtv]

other than the 1975, fave lyrics from songs from different artists (analysis welcome)

-> drama a-level is fun but so weird exam wise, so good luck on whenever that exam is. i actually miss english lit a-level so much so im glad you're liking it :,)

ooo now this is interesting! i’ve chosen 3 artists that I also love reading into their lyrics — and I think we can all agree that it would be a crime not to include the lyric master herself… taylor swift;)

taylor swift — one of my favourite tay songs I would actually say upon a first listen you would categorise it as one of her ‘simpler’ pieces in terms of complexity, however when you do read the lyrics, I feel like it speaks (pun intended) a lot about taylor’s era at the time! and in honour of speak now (taylor’s version) — it’s ‘mean’! taylor has mastered her craft with creating a good balance between simple lyrics and what she means emotionally, an example being “words like knives” / “voice like nails on a chalkboard” and “all you’re ever gonna be is mean” — it balances those similes and the bluntness of the chorus amazingly, and it’s just so fun to listen to and delve and explore. speak now has always been a special album because she uses her music to communicate not only with us swifties (who love to read into everything), but also the idle gossip that she doesn’t write her own songs — the most girlboss move ever to then release an entirely self wrote album. now that is who taylor is. the special thing with taylor as well, or at least how I interpret the song, although she’s clearly talking about her own experiences, her lyrics don’t alienate the listener, because she knows that we relate. whether it be from bullying or anything else, “all you are is mean” also tells the listener that you are more than them, and your success is entirely up to you, not to the negative & mean people in your life! you are worth everything!

paramore — by also choosing paramore along with taylor, you are absolutely right in assuming that I am not okay after listening to ‘castles crumbling’. but we move! for paramore, I want to talk about ‘thick skull’ from their latest album ‘this is why’, because of the powerful lyrics along with hayley’s vocals and the instruments and just everything. although I’m obviously a massive the 1975 fan, I will admit that I think ‘thick skull’ is the strongest ending compared to recent albums that have been released, and although ‘when we are together’ is a strong end to ‘bfiafl’, I think ‘thick skull’ takes the crown. ‘this is why’ as an entire album has some of the strongest lyrics I’ve ever had the pleasure of listening to, so just narrowing this down has been insanely difficult. “I am a magnet for broken pieces” firstly sets up that dire atmosphere along with the low, slow introduction in the music itself. I love music that feels like an experience (clearly from my other analysis’) and this is exactly what the song feels like. it’s simple and effective (my favourite combination). straight off the back of that, “I am attracted to broken people” although reflects the same atmosphere, my reaction has always been relatableeeeeee. finally, the obvious “thick skull never did nothing for me” is so emotional and hard hitting, yet also liberating for hayley herself, stating that they’re ‘self indulgent’ and ‘healing’, making the song an absolutely emotional pleasure to listen to.

the japanese house — my favourite album of the year, ‘in the end it always does’ has produced some seriously genre changing and revolutionary songs. trust me when I say this album is life changing! one of the songs I think is slept on from the album is ‘over there’, next to ‘sunshine baby’ as my favourites. I am currently absolutely obsessed with amber, so I wanted to look at the chorus in particular. like I mentioned previously, songs that feel like an experience are the best, and the masterful layering of the vocals is really what gets me throughout the entire album — it is absolutely beautiful. “where do you wanna go? did you wanna get some air? do you like it over there?” by having the chorus limited to interrogative sentences, it really helps create that isolation and separation that comes from not knowing someone anymore (specifically through a breakup). it starts off almost hopeful and receptive with “where do you wanna go?”, willing, before acknowledging that development through “do you like it over there?” / “over there?” — now completely limited.

hopefully all of that made sense, definitely weird to not be talking about the 1975 but super fun nonetheless! and also thank you very much, shouldn’t be too bad hopefully and gonna savour the time before exams this year and actually kick my butt to revise super early.

(adding this gif because I think it’s appropriate)

#taylor swift #taylornation #the eras tour #speak now #speak now (taylor’s version) #sntv #hayley williams #paramore #this is why #the japanese house #amber bain #in the end it always does #balladtvtalks

[seradyn]

15 questions

I got tagged by @blossom-adventures to answer some questions, so here you go :)

I’ll tag @ticklemycucumber @sillylittlevulpine and @broteinshake69 if they’d like to do it too 💕

1. Are you named after anyone? Nope, my name was a spur of the moment thing. I was meant to have a different name. When my mom gave birth to me, she saw me and said “That looks like a Serafina” (yes that’s my real name and I don’t mind sharing :)) A similar thing happened with my sister, who also has an S name.

2. When was the last time you cried? It was either Tuesday or Wednesday night. I got hit with a very intense depressive episode, and ended up crying myself to sleep.

3. Do you have kids? In this America? Not a chance. I’m hoping to get a hysterectomy at some point soon too, so none of that for me.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? I used to, but not as much anymore. I’ve learned it can be hard to tell when people are being sarcastic or not, so I don’t do it unless it’s extremely obvious.

5. What sports do you/have you played? I’m not an athletic person, but I was on my high school’s Dragon Boat team. I loved it, and I wish there was something at University like it. We have a rowing team, but it’s not the same. The city I grew up in has a big river flowing through it, so we got to spend an hour on the water rowing through downtown. We also participated in a festival that the city holds every year, doing dragon boat races. It was so fun, and we even won gold one year. I still have the medal.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about other people? Probably their style of speech, the way they talk. I use it to gauge what kind of person they are, and how I should act around them.

7. Eye color? Blue.

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Both. Both is good. I’m a big horror person, my favorite movie is 1979 Alien, followed closely by the 1986 sequel, Aliens. My Dad and I have bonded over watching horror movies together, we’ve watched The Shining, The Exorcist, and other classic horror films. The Shining is also quite excellent, and it was filmed in my home state.

9. Any special talents? I used to draw, but I don’t do it so much anymore. Writing is more my speed now, and I’ve been doing it since middle school. That 186 page book me and my friend wrote will never see the light of day, though 😂

10. Where were you born? Oregon, USA.

11. What are your hobbies? Gaming, reading, writing, music. You can almost always find me engaging in one of these.

12. Do you have any pets? She’s not technically mine, but my roommate’s cat, Peaches, acts like I’m her human 😂 Recently she’s really embraced being a lap cat, and she screams all the time. I love her little meows

Cat tax:

13. How tall are you? 5’4”

14. Favorite subject in school? Japanese

15. Dream job? I absolutely despise this term. I do not dream of labor, of being a corporate slave. However, I’m hoping to someday move to Japan and become a citizen, either teaching English, or working with business executives to translate between English and Japanese companies.

#asks #get to know me

[inquisitorius-sin-bin]

My favourite fic of yours: RIDE OR DIE. It has THE best worldbuilding I’ve ever seen in a fic, it’s genuinely like reading a canon novel in second person and I love it so much

My favourite chapter: 27 absolutely 27 need i say more

Something I remember vividly: Ya I’m with Angela, you take reader inserts to a whole other level - normally I’ll read them but it’s always hard for me to get invested if it’s just a blank template, Y/N just draws me out of it so quickly. With the way you write them I feel so immersed, each protag has something different about them and ughhh it’s just so fucking good

Sßssssssdsdff thanks! I have very much enjoyed creating my own distinct alien culture and ecosystems, its one of the things I wish Star Wars was braver about. The prequel trilogy had flaws, mostly in that many of the cultural aspects were borrowed without credit to the peoples they came from, but from a world-building perspective the planets and species they created were a fantastic building point. I think it speaks a lot to the creativity of people like Doug Chiang that so many of the cultural and geographical elements of places like Utapau mesh so well together, and it makes an excellent sandbox to unleash my own creative thoughts.

I am soooo proud of Chapter 27. It was a beast to write but worth it, a standout chapter in this work that simultaneously fits with the themes and messaging, but is so jarring in its perspective and time shift. Appropriately a big impact moment. It was definitely a long-term pay off that I'm glad waited until now to put in. Like you have to really understand Talion and Theo's characters for this chapter to hit so hard. We had to be sort of questioning Tsino's place in all of this. We had to seed previous imagery, the handprints in the tent, the necklace, the incident with the dactilsword, for us to really understand WHY those things were so important to his past.

I'm finally recovered enough that I've started back up on Chapter 28 recently but whew, it was something to jump back to the present after ending with THAT.

And again, I'm so overjoyed y'all love my reader characters. They are each their own, and since their physical descriptions are blank canvasses, I use their personalities to shape them. How do they dress? How do they speak and think? How do they react when they've been frustrated or embarrassed?

I would encourage anyone who considers reading or writing x reader fics to really challenge the pre-existing notion of what that means. See it as a genre with its own unique challenges and rewards. People project themselves onto existing characters or OC's wildly different from themselves all the time, so long as that person is relatable to them somehow. Who hasn't wanted to be a character in the Star Wars Universe? And you don't necessarily want to be you, you want to be someone who fits in, with a role and history and relationships. Part of the tapestry of the world.

I like challenging my characters, thinking about who they are and how they came to meet the Inquisitor, because he's not exactly just out there shaking hands and kissing babies- for you to come across him usually means something has gone terribly wrong. It's my job to tell those stories. Try to find unique scenerios that might put these characters together, and different outcomes that might result from their personalities blending. All while trying to find creative solutions to the ever present name/description problems.

But hey, we don't have a name for the Grand Inquisitor either, so he lends himself to these stories so well!

Thanks so much for the ask!

[eddiediazes]

fanfic ask game!

i was tagged by uhhh kasmdf SEVERAL people my apologies i’ve been juggling some things but most recently i was tagged by @hetrez @henswilsons and @rewritetheending​ i am blowing kisses to u all, thank you much

What is your total posted word count on AO3?

okay so on my foxwatson account it’s 752,836 which is already a lot but uh. kasdf if you include my other old secret account it’s 808,708 which is truly like uh. boy that’s a lot!!!! to be fair i’ve been posting on ao3 for over 10 years now but that’s still pretty fuckin wild.

How often do you write?

when i’m feeling good i aim for every day, and usually manage at least three days a week. every once in a while i get in a really bad funk and don’t write for a couple months - usually when i’m in between interests and can’t get motivated to work on my original stuff

Do you have a routine for writing?

lately i’ve been doing a lot of writing at work, honestly uh. i think generally when the thoughts hit me i just try to get seated somewhere comfortable and open up google docs. sometimes i make a playlist or put on background music but sometimes i’m okay without it, too.

What’s your favourite tropes/pairing?

ohhh tropes. man there’s so many i truly love. i gotta say i’m very like. friends to lovers, childhood friends to lovers, that’s like klasdf almost a requirement for me to be interested. i love a slow burn, i love a mutual pining situation, i love a good old fashioned miscommunication. in terms of other favorites - i love fake dating and fake marriage or marriage of convenience stuff, i have a weakness for soulmate aus, and i think identity porn is both wonderful and underrated.

for pairings - obviously right now i live and breathe buck and eddie but kmsfad reddie will never be far from my heart, and stucky is probably my favorite pairing i’ve never actually finished a fic for. i have like klamsdf an annual unscheduled stucky spiral where i just binge a bunch of fic and tap at my two little unfinished stucky fics but then something always distracts me.

Do you have a favourite fic of yours?

augghhh um. if it’s my favorite buddie fic, that’s probably get out of my head? i think? klsdfa no offense to romance novelist eddie, i think i just finished it too recently, i still struggle with going back to read it. of my fics in general, i think it’s still actually the fic i wrote for my own private idaho, the path that we chose. that’s one of my favorite things i’ve ever written.

Your fic with the most kudos?

FAR and away, that continues to be the most popular reddie fic i ever wrote, hoping to be found, which was lkamds for some time sort of my magnum opus. shoutout to my fellow reddies.

Anything you don’t like about your writing?

i use too many em dashes asdAKLSDFMA no uh. sometimes i’m worried that my descriptions are too mechanical? i’m not a very poetic writer, i’m more kind of. practical and sometimes i get lucky with a turn of phrase, and sometimes i get frustrated with that.

Now something you do like?

i loooooove my dialogue like. it’s taken me a long time to be able to say that but i work so hard on my dialogue, i spend ages rereading it and reading it out loud and finessing it and i’m so picky about it and so. i feel like i deserve to be proud of it :) i also think i’m pretty good at characterization and pacing, also from a lot of hard work and practice.

i think the only people i know who haven’t done this yet are @colonoscopys and @fallingthorns ? but i could be wrong sorry if so klasdf if you haven’t done this yet and wanna be tagged please just let me know!!!

[curseleads]

Ten Q’S:

1. when are you usually online?  

I have a window of a few hours in the morning and afternoon! Then very late at night if I’m not streaming that day - which happens thursday-sunday!  I’ll lurk from time to time though, but I try hard not to be on here all the time, even though I work from home. It used to be very easy for me to get into the habit of scrolling and scrolling and refreshing every couple of minutes so now I’ve just, you know, learn to just not have the tabs open

2. what verses are you involved in outside of this page? 

I’ve just started! But I think I’ll be doing a whole lot in his future verses, since I expect his story will end completely by the time he hits 16... or maybe even 17? But expect a LOT of verses to come the further we get into the current arc!! 

3. what is your biggest RP pet peeve? 

the lack of communication. the using, block evading when I have statcounter and can see you there  - a lot. I feel like being on here for so long has made me a bit jaded in some ways. I’m a little less trusting haha. There’s a lot of little things to be honest, so little that they aren’t really worth mentioning. OH OH people getting mad that asks or threads aren’t answered right away, or equating muse feelings for ooc feelings, you know? annoyiiiiiiiiiiiing 

4. are you drawn to specific types of muses? 

I would say so - looking at Qistina and Yuji I would say I’m drawn to very morally grey muses who stick to their beliefs and will do the most to get to where they want to be. Both she and Yuji are on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to grey-ness, but it’s definitely something that I notice and like to latch on to. 

5. are there recurring themes in your writing that people might not notice? 

There’s a lot over on qissy’s blog, but since I don’t have too many threads on this one rn, I’ll just say that I tend to include things from past threads, foreshadowing, the theme of humanization and understanding morality against the greater good - I can’t wait to really dive into him!

6. what are your favorite RP trends? 

the dash games/dash commentary. It’s really cute and it brings us all together as pals :> Plus, it can give us some insight into these little muses we’ve come to love so much. 

7. what is your process for starting a new story with someone?  

Checking in to make sure they’re cool with everything ~ talking about the process of things just to be sure we’re all on the same page in terms of where we want the muses to go! Foreshadowing and all that. Though there have been times, even recently, where people have forgotten what our plot or muse relation was ... which was a bummer! But I’m doing my best over here! 

8. how do you feel about duplicates? 

You know, I did have a very icky feeling about duplicates due to theft and general nastiness from the other person :/ but I feel like it’s pretty chill atm!! Though, I still don’t like the idea of being compared so... please don’t :)

9. how long have you been involved in roleplaying? 

About 12 years! Very much.... a longass time. 

10. is there a muse or verse you wish you could write in, but haven’t?

I would probably write Maki if my muse for Yuji wasn’t so big. Maybe in the future when my work doesn’t own me, I can give her a fair shot!

stolen from mysellllllf @deathleads​

#🜎 CosCos rambles | OOC

[whatsvivireading]

🧡🖤A Court of Silver Flames Review 🖤🧡

3.75/5🧡

I finally picked up A Court of Silver Flames because I've Kind of been on a Sarah J Maas binge recently, I’m just so obsessed with the worlds she builds, and also because I’ve been SO scared of accidentally stumbling upon spoilers online. I would be sad to have finally caught up on the ACOTAR series, but I have SO many more Sarah J Maas books to read!

This book is primarily about Nesta’s healing journey, and is supposed to be an emotional, character driven story. It’s a lot of training and learning how to deal with difficult emotions, and coping. I’m not sure what others would call it, but it gave me montage vibes. Along the way Nesta does learn to trust people and let her family in, but she also makes new friends, her own found family that she never really experienced before. In the background of this emotional journey, the immortal queen is stirring up trouble, and they need Nesta’s help to take her down.

Nesta is primarily the main character, but it is Cassian who is tasked with training her and monitoring her progress. Nesta has been at rock bottom for some time now, and she isn’t willing to let anyone help her. And Cassian has this need to help people who are hurting, so the pair works together perfectly. Well not really, because Nesta is fighting him basically the entire book, and he just wants to see her try again. But it makes for amazing sexual tension, and when things heat up…oh damn do they get extremely steamy. Nesta faces major (and much needed) character development which absolutely wouldn’t have happened without her family's involvement and Cassian's stubborn determination.

Coming to terms with every aspect of yourself, even the dark parts, and being able to forgive yourself, and finding the people who accept you are two major themes that show up throughout the novel. My favorite part of this book really highlights being able to forgive yourself.

Page 506:

“All the things I’ve done before—”

“Leave them in the past. Apologize to who you feel the need to, but leave those things behind.”

“Forgiveness is not that easy.”

“Forgiveness is something we also grant ourselves. And I can talk to you until these mountains crumble around us, but if you don’t wish to be forgiven, if you don’t want to stop feeling this way … it won’t happen.”

This part…really hit me hard. Something I’ve struggled with for a very long time has been letting go of the past and forgiving myself. It’s still hard to forgive myself, to find myself being worthy of forgiveness, but I will never move forward if I only hang onto the past. It was also probably from about this point where I stopped finding Nesta as annoying as I did in the beginning and started to understand why she’s like this.

I have always loved Sarah J Maas’ writing style. The way she crafts her world, the scenes that turn into a movie in my head, she never fails to completely whisk me away from reality and this book is no different. The tone she uses perfectly fits the disparity and uncertainty Nests feels in the beginning of the book, and changes very slowly to hopeful, strong, and willing. It is beautiful to see, and her writing style definitely is the reason I was able to finish this book so quickly! I devour all of her books in days though!!

So, what are my thoughts on this book?

I could not stand Nesta for the first 70% of the book or so. It bothered me so much that she was in such a mindset where she really truly believed no one else would ever understand what had happened to her, when she was surrounded by Fae who are hundreds of years old, her sister who was thrown in the cauldron with her, and her youngest sister who started hunting when she was 14 to keep them alive. I know how deep this book goes into her grief and I loved reading her journey, but Nests was insufferable for the majority of the book. In the end I like her more than I did in any other book, but I still don’t love her. I also think Cassian is way too good for her, but she also thinks that so I’m not really going to touch more on that. I should also mention here, I was an only child, and I have seen a lot of people mention “big sister trauma” hitting different, so maybe I’m just more disconnected from Nesta as a character. Her trauma is valid even if I can’t understand it completely, but that doesn’t forgive her for intentionally hurt those around her over and over again.

#bookstagram #book review #ACOSF review

[transamorousnetwork]

The Truth Of Trans Attraction And Its Irresistible Pull

Editors note: Usually in this series I share a letter someone writes or a comment they make on our blog. Then I respond. However, this message I received this week was so touching, I figured I’d just share it. It’s that good. You’ll notice the struggle this person is going through while at the same time marveling over his powerful attraction to the person he describes. His experience reveals the real, intense struggle men go through while coming to terms with their trans attraction. There are powerful learning opportunities in this letter. Not only for men, but also for Transgender Women and for Cisgender women who discover their husband is trans-attracted.

Dear The Transamorous Network: I read an article online you posted and it really hit home on my current situation. To be more specific, the article was about trans “addiction”. Almost everything was spot on about how I feel. I swear you were writing this article for me personally.

For almost 25 years I have had this “addiction”. I’m 37 now…Cheating and heart break had almost ruined my marriage more than a couple of times, but we survived. Kids and grit got us through.

I love my wife and kids…very much. I have recently met someone who is trans. Well kinda. We met 5 years ago, I knew we connected when we first met but life took us different ways. Almost 3 years passed and I had no contact. She moved away with a boyfriend and I continued my life.

It seems fate had brought us back together…I unknowingly walk into a local food chain were she works and there she is, just as beautiful as I remember…Immediately sparks fly for both of us.

We kept in contact for 3 months and I have fallen for her very hard. I have looked past the sexual aspect of this and tried to understand…

Why?

Is it like a drug? Am I in love? Just why am I so magnetically attracted to this person? It just feels right. She knows I am in a relationship and has tried as hard as me to keep this from progressing. It will not stop. We both are frustrated and are drawn closer and closer every time we meet. I feel I must come clean and tell my wife about this, which is terrifying.

It is very complicated with so many emotions its hard to keep them in line. For years and years I have been repressed. [I’ve been] judging myself, thinking demons are controlling me. I’ve prayed for god to take this away. “I don’t want this, please lord” [I would pray].

Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I wrong to wanna be with a trans woman? I grew up were these thoughts were wrong and forbidden. My father caught me watching trans porn when I was a teenager and I had to beg him to not send me to therapy. Growing up in a very small town I was unable to explore this with anyone and am just now finding the strength to be real with myself and understand that this will never go away.

I am very lost but I feel most authentic and genuine when I’m with my trans friend. Knowing I want her and to change her life. She has told me she wants to be with me, and I have expressed the same in return. I am scared, in doubt and worried of the aftermath.

I just wondered if any of this has been familiar? I do not know what to do and I’m worried if this continues I will loose both my marriage and this compelling other relationship that feels so right. Any input comments or guidance would be appreciated. I trust things will be ok. I’m just afraid of making a glaring mistake. Thanks.

#transgender #transsexual #transamorous network #transisbeautiful #trans pride #transgirls #transgender women #transgirlsdoitbetter #transattracted #transamorous #pre op mtf #transgender mtf #trans women are trans women #trans women positivity

[longdeco]

Fidelia nyc

Now, two years in, it's been going pretty well. So, we'd do that and eventually we started branching out to include other people to assist us. We would Airbnb our houses to fund our music. Basically, it was in order to make money and stuff like that. We started the music and art collective two years ago. Ĭan you explain Ensemble and the work you do there? That's where I met a lot of the people I work with now for my collective, Ensemble. It also helped me to not be as sheltered because it's a city where there's a lot going on and big condos everywhere and a lot of parties… I really broke out of my shell once I moved to Toronto. So it's good to be around people that have great creative ideas because it sharpens your skills and abilities. It does give you hope for yourself that you can also do it and just the creative minds in that city are really great. You slowly see underground artists like Jessie Reyez or Daniel Caesar doing big, phenomenal things right now. The city definitely inspired what I'm doing. Right now, I'm back and forth between and Ottawa and Toronto. Was your move to Toronto inspired by the vivacious music scene there, especially with the great rise of artists like Drake, The Weeknd, PARTYNEXTDOOR? I'm not the type to be into chains and stuff like that because where I'm from we don't really see that every day. There's not that much opportunity, nothing that's really glamorous in the city and I think that's really reflected in my music. There's a very modest approach to things in this city. It really made me modest in terms of the music I made, how I approached the industry, and how I come up with the lyrics. Ottawa is a very big town, small city type of vibe. I really view my city as motivation to continue doing music, especially since a lot of people saw me as the hope of bringing awareness to the hip hop scene in the city. And that just became a thing for me: getting better at rapping. From there, I was doing freestyle battles in the neighborhood. I got really into hip hop then and doing graffiti then. Someone would bring a boombox and everyone would just start breakdancing and skateboarding. I lived in front of these projects where people would just hardcore bump on the playground. Ottawa was actually the place that really introduced me to hip hop. How has your upbringing in Ottawa impacted your music and vision? Getting the hottest wardrobe and making sure you had the brand new shirt and pants, that were out at the time. New York really influenced the way I dressed, that was a big thing as a kid. The Diplomats were really popular at the time. Erykah Badu, Mary Mary, those were a lot of my big influences and I'd say I incorporate all that into my music.ĭid your time in Brooklyn influence your sound at all?įor sure, especially when I spent my time there, there was a lot of hip hop groups. I would say it has some Neo-soul, some R&B and hip hop mixed in as well. My music always has to include soul in it, whatever I'm doing. I started with singing, moved onto rapping, and now I'm doing both.Įvery time someone asks me that question I have a hard time pinpointing exactly what it is. I just recently got back into singing and found my voice. During that time is when I hit puberty and I lost my voice so I wasn't singing as much. So then I started freestyling and rapping for a good while. Yeah, it was a very weird transition because I actually started with R&B singing and then in middle school there was a thing called Freestyle Friday on BET. It's one of those things where I say things in a way that resonate with myself and I know there are other people who feel the same way I do.ĭid you start off as a poet and then find the world of R&B or was it the other way around? I don't really think twice about "oh, is this really appropriate?" I know someone will resonate with it. Can you explain that title?īasically, a lot of the lyrics in my songs are about the reality of my life, things I've personally experienced or lived so that's where the raw poet comes in. On your website, you are described as a raw, street poet. City Fidelia's sound and vision as an artist is unique enough to set him apart from these icons and pave the way for his own path of success - one he has already tasted with his single "Lately," reaching 5 million streams on Spotify. He is not to be cornered into the same side of the ring as Drake, The Weeknd, or PARTYNEXTDOOR. City Fidelia is one of the biggest rappers in Ottawa, Canada.

#Fidelia nyc

[matchablossomwrites]

Hi, I really like your writing!! Can I request Mikey and Izana (u can add more if u want to) react to them hitting their s/o during an argument and how would they apologize ? Angst with comfort, also gn!reader pls (im craving for angst and fluff rn :DD) U don’t need to if u don’t want to write it ofc :)) I respect ure decision ^^ thanks for ure time ❤️

Hey hey hey! Thank you so much for this request! I had a ton of fun writing it ^^ I hope it's up to par with your expectations. I'm so sorry it took this long. I've had an incredibly busy week with my new job and college, but I did my best! I hope you have a wonderful day/night.

Sano 'Mikey' Manjiro

"y/n I don't want to see you right now. Just leave before you regret staying here any longer" he warned "Leave" The air grew more and more icy with each word that came out of his mouth.

You just wanted to check up on him. He'd been so distant lately and this is how he thanks you? You were so worried. Anger boiled up inside of you as you stared at the man in front of you.

His expression was blank. He was going to snap soon. patience was wearing thin for both parties. He didn't exactly have a good day. Things went terribly wrong today and Baji Keisuke had died a few months prior and he was cycling through the stages of grief. The last thing he needed was for you to show up out of the blue like this and confront him now

But it's not like you knew this. You knew Baji had died and you were still easing through grief yourself. God you missed him, but you were coming to terms with the fact that there was no way to turn back time and save him. Mikey was still coping with this. They were best friends. of course this was something that would affect him way more than it would affect you.

"Huh? Are you really telling me this? Mikey I've been so worried about you and this is the thanks I get? I came here to check up on you and even took the day off to spend it with you. I could've been spending my time in so many other ways but I came to check up on you because I care about you!" you yelled you were angry to the point of yelling. Things were getting more and more tense.

Anger boiled inside of him. it was becoming unbearable. "And guess what? I don't care. I don't care that you took all this time off for me. Absolutely no one asked you to be a tragic hero and try to fix me. I don't need fixing. So, I'll say this one more time because apparently you don't know how to take a hint. Go. away." he hissed as his smile turned into a frown.

"Baji wouldn't have wanted you to push us away, you know. He would have-" you began.

However you weren't able to finish your sentence as you felt a stinging sensation on your cheek.

"Shut up! You don't know what he would've wanted! I don't know! You don't fucking know either! Ok?" he hissed as he narrowed his eyes at you. "You don't understand now and you'll never understand! So don't tell me that he wouldn't want me to act like this or whatever! Got it! Because you will never FUCKING know." he growled as he went to point at you.

Suddenly, he was brought back to reality by the sound of you whimpering as you covered your head, attempting to protect yourself. You were too afraid to say anything else to further upset him. You tried so hard not to cry, but with the stinging paired with fear tears cascaded down your face as you attempted to protect yourself from him. "Please don't hurt me.. I'm sorry" you apologized

"Oh god..." he trembled. "oh god, oh god, oh god. what have I done? y/n I'm so sorry." Mikey's eyes widened as he looked at your shaking form in front of him. He attempted to reach out and hold you, however his sudden movement scared you, causing you to flinch.

It was then that he realized the damage he'd done. Guilt hit him like a semi truck. "baby please don't cry. I'm so sorry I let this happen. I never meant to hurt you." he choked out, voice wavering. At that moment all of his emotions that he had been bottling up came pouring out like a waterfall. all the anger, despair, loneliness, and guilt finally made themselves known.

Seeing him break down in front of you made you realize how much he was truly hurting. "P-Please don't go. I'm so sorry." he whimpered. "I never meant for you to see me like that. I'm a monster god I'm so sorry." he apologized. The more you saw him break down the more you realized how bad he truly felt about this.

So, you resigned even though alarm bells were still softly blaring in your head and allowed yourself to be embraced by him. "Don't leave me... please" he whimpered. At this point you both were crying, though neither of you cared that your jackets were getting wet. you weren't sure what to say.

So, you decided not to say anything and let him calm down as you attempted to calm down yourself. Once you both calmed down, Mikey pulled away to look you in the eyes. "Please don't go... I can't lose you too" he begged as he held your face in his hands. He was trembling, absolutely terrified of what he'd done to you. You were his lifeline. He needed you. "I've got you. I promise I'm not going anywhere. I care about you, Mikey, and it hurts to see you like this." you sighed as you gazed at him with a soft expression.

It was then Mikey broke down again. though not for the same reason. It was because he was so grateful he had someone like you by his side. Someone so forgiving and compassionate. "I love you" he whimpered. "Thank you"

"I love you too"

Izana Kurokawa

Things weren't always like this. You were sure of it. But lately your nights were filled with screaming and harsh words. Despite this it was never anything too bad. Either he'd apologize with a bouquet of red tulips, white orchids, and purple hyacinths or a teddy bear and chocolates

But this... this was too far.

You don't really remember how it happened if you were honest. One moment you were having a peaceful conversation. However the moment you brought up Mikey since you'd recently met him at your school.

That's when the mood got sour. He'd said a few things and you retorted with your own set of phrases. Soon the fight grew personal. things were going too far. Both of you were saying things you really didn't mean, but since you both were in the heat of the moment there was no longer a filter stopping you from saying those harsh words and phrases.

Things peaked when he harshly shoved you against the wall in a fit of rage. You were terrified of him, but you didn't dare let him know that. you tried to shove him away but he slapped you. That's when you have had enough. You packed your things, not saying a word to him. Then, when he was asleep you quietly made your escape.

When he woke up however he was shocked and scared. He looked around the shared apartment. there were no signs of you anywhere. His chest rose and fell rapidly as he tried to figure out his next steps, but his thoughts were preventing him from doing so.

Has he finally done it? Had he finally driven you away to the point of never wanting to see him again? He understood if you did. He knows that what he did wasn't right, but he still wanted to make one final attempt at reconciliation and if it failed, all he could do was accept that.

But where have you gone? He had no absolute clue, however he knew you were good friends with Kakucho, so he dialed up his best friend, praying to whatever cruel god was out there that you were at least still alive and safe.

After a few rings Kakucho picked up. In a panicked state he began explaining what he had done, though Kakucho stopped him. "they don't want to see you right now. Leave them alone." he replied, clearly feeling bad for the other party. "Are they with you?" he asked. "No" he replied. "Are you lying to me?" Izana asked. "no." he sighed. "Where do you think they would go if they had no where else to go, Izana?" Kakucho asked.

Their parents. The answer was glaringly obvious but he was so panicked it didn't even cross his mind. "But, Izana now is not the time. Please. Give it a few days. Imagine how they feel." Kakucho replied. "fine..." he sighed.

The next few days Izana spent thinking of what to say and how to apologize. The more he thought over that night, the more he realized he fucked up. As he sat at a table at a cafe that had been your first date with him, he saw you crossing the road, talking with Kokonoi and Inui who also happened to be your friends.

However the more he looked the more he realized that even though you were smiling it wasn't reaching your eyes. It then dawned how much he had truly hurt you. He then raced towards you, not caring if others were watching.

He didn't give a fuck about how crazy he looked in that moment as he sprinted towards you because he knew that if he prolonged this any longer it would only hurt you even more. "y/N!" he yelled, causing you to jolt, effectively capturing your attention as well as Inui and Kokonoi's as well.

"The hell do you want?" Kokonoi hissed as he protectively put his arm in front of you. "Can't you see they don't want to see you! You slapped them and hurt them and you have the AUDACITY to come out here and follow us!?" "Koko... it's ok. Thank you for caring about my safety" you smiled softly at the taller man while Inui glared at Izana. "Fuck this up and I promise you, you won't be allowed to be even within a continent of them" Inui growled before they walked away, allowing the two fo you your privacy.

The two of you then decided to talk it over at the cafe he'd been sitting at. As the two of you sat down, it was then you finally got a good look at him. There were bags under his eyes, his hair was disheveled, and he was distraught.

"y/n I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better... It wasn't your fault to begin with. This whole mess was my fault and... and it wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. I was out of line. God you must hate me... you can't even look at me in the eyes." he mumbled as he let out a sad chuckle.

He felt his chances growing smaller and smaller with each passing minute. He was sure this was the end. The more he thought about it, the more he should've seen this coming. He was so harsh to you, spewing insult after insult at you, yet you always came back to him every time.

The silence was suffocating him. 'Just end it already' he thought to himself as he gazed up at you. 'I can't take it anymore. It hurts.' "Izana '' You spoke up finally, causing him to jolt as he slowly looked up at you. "I think I finally understand you… you’re scared.” you looked down at your lap. Just where were you going with this? He didn’t know. “You’re scared of being happy because the last time you were happy everything came crashing down like a castle of sand… That’s gotta be the reason you keep hurting me right? That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. But every single time this happens the harder it is for me to trust you. To trust that you even care about me anymore. You always tell me you love me, Izana, but I don’t know if I believe it anymore” you sighed as you began tearing up.

The more you spoke the more he realized how badly he fucked up. “I thought this was real, was this real? Or were you just using me just like everyone else? Were you using me to get happy? It’s getting difficult and I’m not sure how long I can keep doing this… especially after you won’t even allow me to meet new people” you muttered. “y/n… I’m so sorry” he sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I never realized you felt this way… god you should’ve told me” “You never cared enough to ask” you muttered.

Izana then got up from his seat across from you before he took you in his arms. He knew the damage he’d done was irreparable, but at least he could try to make it up to you in other ways. “I’m so sorry I made you think I never loved you. God I never meant for that to happen. You’re my home, y/n. I should’ve been more open… I shouldn’t have let my fears take over, I’m sorry. And I know ‘sorry’ isn’t what you want to hear from me right now, but I promise I still love you and I promise I’ll never let this happen again” he choked as he shook his head, truly feeling bad for what he’d done to you. “Izana… please can’t we just go back to how things were when we first fell in love?” you whispered. “I’m sorry… I don’t think that’s possible, but I promise I’ll give you the best possible future.. Just don’t leave. Please” he begged, his voice growing softer towards the end of his sentence.

“Ok… Just know that I’m going to make sure you keep your promise” you smiled, the same smile he’d fallen for when he was child. “I will. Thank you” he smiled.

“You idiot… you broke our promise” you sobbed as you knelt at his grave, holding a bouquet of red tulips and stargazer lilies close to your chest.

A/n: Thank you for your support

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