#ramblings of the a.m.

[cloudbells]

Yknow what, I actually do hate the narrative that Steve crashed the plane in the 40s because he was suicidal. It feels like an ugly erasure of Steve's sacrifice when he truly had no other options. The plane was autolocking when he took his hands off it. The longer he's distracted, the longer he keeps trying to find a way out - the closer those bomb get to killing people and the closer Hydra is to getting a win. So he plummeted the plane with the 100% guarantee that it was not making it to land. Sorry I guess that Steve didn't want to risk the lives of a ton of innocent people for the CHANCE that he might have found a way out alive, especially when he has so little time to spare.

Steve's heroism shouldn't even be up for debate here in favor of him giving up.

#steve rogers #me my mine #pro steve rogers #steve rogers defense squad #everything special #catfa #i can't let y'all retcon Steve's affinity for heroism like this 🤕 #ramblings of the a.m. #the only definitive time steve was gonna let himself die was in catws #more people should be talking about that instead!! #I'm ACTUALLY going to sleep this time

[qsmpbutwithsignlanguage]

QSMP Members wandered into Purgatory 2 fearing BadBoyHalo, knowing of his ruthlessness and pure undeniable skill from the first Purgatory. Warnings were exchanged through whispers and soft-spoken words of caution. They stumbled out with chainsaws whirring behind their eyes, a boy dubbed Coach pulling gambit after gambit, eeking out a win by mere decimals of a percentage point, finding a pixel-perfect map location, and massacring an entire group before continuing on the hunt for more. A different name settled on their tongues-it was idiotic, really, to have assumed the one issuing the warning was harmless. You never want to ask a survivor what they did to survive (and if the leader of Team Goose had led BadBoyHalo into battle and fought against Philza Minecraft himself, then really, shouldn't they have realized to fear him?)

#qsmp tubbo #qsmp #tubbo #qsmp purgatory 2 #qpurgatory 2 #12 a.m. rambles fr #text post #qsmp team goose #team goose #qsmp badboyhalo #badboyhalo #edited because I used the word warning twice in the same sentence and that is disgusting

[thatlosertheo]

Okay so this might be a kinda unpopular opinion but.. a lot of stranger things fans overlook wills trauma.

I always see people talking about byler and wills “one-sided” crush on Mike, quite literally expressing that Mike not reciprocating wills feelings is the main, if not only, obstacle he’s faced throughout his life. I think that’s totally bogus seeing as the show has literally showed us what will has had to go through. While I do agree that Mike “not liking will back” was something that hurt will, I also believe that that’s only the surface of what will has had to deal with. Like, will is actually such a deep character that has been through so much and I feel like a lot of people overlook what he’s been through, he has a dad who doesn’t even care about him, he was bullied throughout his childhood, he was stuck in the upside down, HE LITERALLY DIED FOR A HOT MINUTE, he was possessed, ignored by most of his friends, the list goes on! And even after knowing all that people want to say that all his problems stem from the fact his crush/best friend “doesn’t like him back”. I know I may seem like I’m just being extra complaining about this but it just makes me upset when people overlook important events/things that make a character who they are and say “oh yeah, their crush doesn’t like them back that means that this must be the reason for all their problems”

Anyways, I need to stop getting so worked up over things like this😭

|sorry for any spelling mistakes, I didn’t proof-read this|

#stranger things #byler #will byers #mike wheeler #like it actually makes me so annoyed #sorry for any spelling mistakes it’s like 1 a.m rn 😭 #random ramblings #I’m way to passionate about this😭

[traintwinkwrites]

thinkin' bout how pathetic and pretty enmu would look while overstimulated.

his eyes half lidded, a flush face, smudged makeup and running mascara from all his little sobs; temporarily staining his pretty, doll-like skin <3

not to mention how his body would twitch and tremble, his hands grasping onto the sheets beside him so desperately from how shaky they'd would be. his messy hair sticking to his face from all the sweat, not to mention how much saliva would be pooling in his mouth and leaking out, leaving a glistening trail of it from his chin to his chest, inconsistent splotches of his own cum littered all over his thighs and lower stomach ♡

all his little whines and moans being barely audible through all his panting and ragged breathing, how he'd try to ask for more yet would struggle so, so much to get his words out coherently; anything he even managed to blurt out being barely comprehendible.

he'd be so far into subspace he would barely be able to even form a thought, his head feeling so fuzzy and empty that all he can do is obey like a good boy and ask for more ♡

#fanfiction #writing #enmu tamio #enmu #kny smut #enmu x reader #enmu smut #im silly #overstim kink #kimetsu no yaiba #my ramblings #traintwinkwrites🚂 #shitty 3 a.m writing

[h0ped3lusion]

I can't help but let my attention roam towards v1, v2, and Gabriel's wings whenever I see art of them. They're so... beautiful, so heavenly (pun intended), almost.. mesmerizing to me.

#ultrakill #v1 ultrakill #v2 ultrakill #gabriel ultrakill #I am mesmerized by their wings I love the shape I love how they glow I love how they move #i'm a bit delusional #ramble? #tired rambling #albeit an extremely restrained rambling #it's 1:45 a.m.

[thormanick]

Just now realized that the first meeting of Kaveh and Alhaitham is mirrored by their tavern conversation, I. Am Not. Okay-

#took me. what. one and a half years. to see it #oh my god. oh. my. god. #I can’t I can’t with them I’m gonna cry #they approached each other during their loneliest moments (or what they perceived to be the loneliest moments of each other) I aM NOT OKAY #these two do things to me. tHEY DO THIGS TO ME PSYCHOLOGICALLY #I’m sorry it’s 2 a.m. and this is. this is a Big Thought for me that seems so obvious in hindsight now but I never had it before #oh these two. do not separate. they go together as a package deal. oh my god- #*incoherent rambling continues* #genshin impact #afinna explores teyvat #genshin impact thoughts #genshin impact sumeru #genshin impact kaveh #genshin impact alhaitham #kavetham #alhaitham x kaveh

[meamidstthechaos]

Every so often I spend a lot of time trying to understand why things happen the way they happen.

In my mind everything has a reason to be, a hidden lesson, something you need to learn so you can continue on your way to improving yourself.

When I can't fully understand why something is happening I keep searching and digging and losing my mind over what is the meaning behind it, why is that happening?

But what if I am digging too deep? What if I am searching for a reason greater and much more dramatic than what that situation is actually trying to teach me? What if it is as simple as "I just need you to learn how to let go and move past from that"?

Perhaps that's the lesson you need to take from something you are going through, to keep moving with your life, to let go and not get stuck trying to find an extra "shiny" meaning behind it, get over that situation with no further lesson to be learned, just the simple "moving on".

No lesson is too small or too big. They are just the things you need to learn in your life and it can be as simple as "let go and move on".

#morning thoughts #before breakfast rambling #a.m thoughts #let go #move on #my writing

[trashlie]

ILY FP 219 (or, The One That Went to the Top of My Favorites List)

Hehehe is that an enticing enough, non-spoiler preview for you? lol I want so badly to tell everyone WHY they should be sure to FP this episode, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Not that I think knowing what’s in there will ruin it, but I think the impact of going into it without knowing is just SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL. It’s BEAUTIFUL okay? That’s why you should read it - it’s beautiful! 

Idk where to begin with this one!!!! Over 24 hours later, sorting out my emotions is still difficult because I just keep wanting to climb the walls and start shrieking lmao AAAAHHHHHHHH! 

Those of us who are patrons of quimchee’s got a little teaser for this episode - the first part was SUPPOSED to post with 218, and quimchee said that 213-219 are all supposed to be parts of one much, MUCH bigger episode, so you know, if you want to read them all together, there you go! But anyway, even getting a little teaser of it last week, this episode was still full of so much new, and even what we got to see still hit just as strong. UGH. LISTEN. 

When the music hit me and I realized what it was? As we kept scrolling and Shinae furtively snuck back in? I CRIED okay lmao I CRIED. How long has it been since Nol last celebrated his birthday? When was the last time someone made him feel special on this day? Because he sure hasn’t allowed himself to. He hasn’t spent a birthday with friends - I mean, hell, this is the first time he’s even HAD friends who mean anything - and after everything they’ve gone through, everything he put them through, to see them show up just meant SO MUCH to me. I had no doubts that Dieter and Soushi would come through for Nol, but I didn’t think we’d get to see it so soon, either. I was so concerned that there’d been no time for them to talk at the party, that Soushi’s first indication that Nol was even there at all was seeing him fall into a glass table! Finding him bleeding out in the snow. 

How harrowing it must have been for them - at least Shinae has gotten to talk to him a little, has a little more insight into who he is, why he did what he did. I’m sure, in time, Dieter and Soushi will come up to speed, whether through Shinae or Nol himself, but even now, even with them NOT knowing or understanding, I think it makes it even more special that they showed up. Nol has been there when they needed him, whether they wanted it or not. He always had their backs, had a way of making them feel like they were special, like they matter. And now they all got to do the same for him, to return that favor. As readers, we know that Nol began those relationships with no real intentions, never intending those friendships to become real, but they did, both ways. There was something about Soushi’s commentary that really did me in - about how he doesn’t have bullies coming around anymore and even if he did, he’s got a buddy whose got his back ;~; How he went from wanting to take help from no one to coming around to the weirdly insistent boy. 

I love, LOVE, LOVE how all of their gifts related to the beginnings of their relationships. Again, it’s something about how it began on false pretenses, but how it became real and came to mean something to all of them that just really gets to me! I don’t know how to articulate it, the feeling of these people who desperately needed someone, being able to be that to Nol, that even though he’s tried to push them away, to run away, even though they have no explanation for his behavior, they still are there for him when he desperately needs it. I kept waffling for a long time on whether I thought Nol was intending to ghost everyone after prison, going back and forth even as he and Shinae talked in Minhyuk’s room. “Is he telling her this because he doesn’t plan to stick around?” But especially after all of these hospital scenes, I feel pretty confident that’s not his plan. Just like Soushi and Shinae never really intended to accept Nol’s friendship and thought they were fine on their own, I think Nol may be having that moment for himself.

Or, rather, I think he’s at a crossroads and is at war with himself. On the one hand, he doesn’t believe he deserves any of this. The way he talks about his birthday is so SAD; Shinae is right, people don’t talk like that! Was it a difficult pregnancy that Nessa had with Nol? Did his birth cause her harm? Is it just the circumstances he feels guilty for? Maybe he believes she’d be okay if she’d never conceived him? Maybe it’s because of his relation to the Hiraharas? He talks about people stepping on the burger - that definitely feels like it’s about the Hirahraras, taking his existence and making him feel insignificant and wrong, like he shouldn’t exist. But it’s the way he talks about the mistreatment of the cow sent to the slaughterhouse. It sounds like that’s about his mom - which could be the most he’s ever said about her. If his birthday is the burger, then the cow that became the burger would be her, right? I still have so many questions, ngl. Nol clearly has a complicated relationship with the memory of his mother - we know his childhood, before they left home, were his happiest memories, but at the same time, he can’t speak of the happy memories, or really, her at all. I don’t think the guilt is simply that he exists, and there’s more to it, whether it’s misconstrued on his behalf or just more puzzle pieces we’re missing. 

At any rate, Nol carries a heavy weight of guilt and has denied himself any joy or happiness, has never allowed himself to ENJOY things, lest they go awry. Probably like with his mom, and like with Shinae, a connection with him seems to end in danger. Of course, that’s not true - people end up in danger because of their own choices, and the choices of those around them - but again, we are talking about the way Nol views himself and the world. I think this is a big thing, too, because I’ve been thinking a lot about identity and perception lately, but I’ll try to get to that in a moment. 

For so long, Nol has been content with his self-inflicted punishment, but then he accidentally made real friends along the way. His quest to help people went off track. And for a while, he tried to fix that. He pulled away, he stopped responding, he tried to completely and cleanly cut them off, he drew the line and let them know. But here they still stand after it all, and he can’t help but appreciate that. The way my stupid heart flipped when he hugged Dieter and Soushi and told him he loved him. That feels like the most genuine expression we’ve seen on him in a long time - and for him to be so forthright with them, to even use that word at all! This is what makes me feel certain he doesn’t intend to ghost them. Why would he tell them that if he planned to leave? Why would he accept and embrace their friendship if he didn’t want it? And that’s the thing, isn’t it? His internal war is his wants vs what he thinks he deserves. It’s the fear that he brings harm to people, but that DESPERATE LONGING for that closeness. 

Throughout ILY we’ve seen so many times Nol wanted to reach out and denied himself the opportunity, for whatever reason. Countless times he’s reached out to Shinae only to close his hand into a fist and restrain himself. All that loneliness is haunting. I think it’s around the time they went to the arcade that Nol knew these relationships were real, and it was the arrival of Yui that reminded him he can’t do this, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t indulge his desires like this. To have that taste for friendship, for what it feels like to just let go, to be around people who don’t spend all their time trying to tear you apart, to be around people who CHOOSE your company, who CHOOSE to be with you? And then to retreat? He tasted something so sweet but had to give it up.

And now, after everything he’s done, they still show up for him, they still sat by and watched over him, they still came to CELEBRATE him? How can he continue to deny himself this? How can he close his fist and walk away from it? 

But, and my god I realize this is a very verbose point lmao, the point I’m getting at is, in the same way that Soushi and Shinae refused his friendship, in the same way that they thought they were better off on their own, I think Nol is at that same crossroad - is he better off alone? How bad is it, if he indulges just a little? 

I hope he thinks long and hard about what Shinae said very early in the evening, too. Whether or not he believes he puts people in danger, it’s not his call to make. Friendship is a two-way road and they, also, deserve to make their choice, to choose him despite the danger. It wasn’t Nol that put Shinae in danger. Maybe in a convoluted way you could say so - she’d never have called on Kousuke for that favor he owed her for getting Nol to the hospital the night of the masquerade - but regardless, Yui acts on her own. I realize this is not easy for Nol to see, because of what a deep-seated belief this is, but I hope it’s something he’ll consider more and more. 

There’s so much I could write about the birthday party ALONE. How wonderful it was to see them all together again after all this time, the sweet callbacks to their beginnings demonstrating how far they’ve come, how much they mean to each other. Nol is SO loved, and I hope he learns to wear that love as a much needed suit of armor. What does it matter that his family is trash, when this, his found family, makes up for it in so many ways? What does it matter that some people chose to make him feel insignificant, when he has people who choose to celebrate him, and the fact that he’s in their lives? ;~; That little happy smile and blush he wears when Shinae pointedly tells him they want to spend this night making him feel special ;~; It fucks me up lmao like lakjfkjafkjaf I’M GETTING WEEPY WRITING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN LMAO 

NOL DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED. HE DESERVES TO FEEL SPECIAL. He came into their lives and individually made them all better. There’s an argument to be made that it was Kousuke’s financing that made Soushi’s life better, but we know that HE chooses Nol. That his companionship with Nol makes his life better. If not for Nol, where would they even be? He deserves to be celebrated because he’s brought so much good into other lives! And he deserves a return of that, too. All the good he tried to put into the world to counter the guilt he wears, all the good he denied himself and thus brought to others. GOD. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;~; I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THIS GANG I hope in the future we get to see more of them, now that we know how close their bond is, how much they mean to each other ;~; 

DIETER’S ORIGAMI DUCKIES AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! THE CALLBACK TO NOL AND THEIR MORNING RUNS AND THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER AND THE DUCKIES ;~; Apologizing that these aren’t the best presents, that there’s no cake, but aren’t they? Isn’t this the best? There’s something about people spending their time and energy to create something for you that REALLY gets to me. Every time a friend hand-makes something for me, I just cry and cry lmao. Maybe origami duckies and happy birtday on a cake isn’t a lot of effort - but the point is that they TRIED. That at the last minute, they came up with something to try to return the kind of friend he’s been to them. They ARE the perfect gifts. What else could he possibly need more than to know that he is important to them and means so much? 

AND THAT WAY HE LOOKS OVER AT SHINAE, THE WAY SHE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY, THE FLUSTERING, THE LITTLE BUTTERFLIES WE FEEL ON HER BEHALF!!!!! AUGH. 

I find it so cute and funny that Shinae was too shy to give Nol her gift at the same time, feeling that it paled in comparison to Dieter’s duckies, but personally, I think it’s right on par. Just like their messages, Shinae’s gift harkens back to the earliest days of her friendship with Nol, the orange soda she spilled on him, the fear he’s allergic to oranges lol, what she drew on his face the day following at that deli lol “You don’t suck that much” All the way back in episode 4, she told him “You’re a human first. And humans suck.” WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!! Idk like, to me here gift was so on par, but also, it’s something that conveys a sense of feelings and being who she is, I don’t blame her for feeling a little shy about it.

ESPECIALLY COS MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH SHYNESS IN THIS EPISODE MY GOD!!!!!!!! 

It’s been long established that I am here for the soft shit, the tender shit, for little stolen moments laced with intimacy, stolen little moments of calm in an otherwise turbulent storm. IT’S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Dieter and Soushi on the spare bed in the room, while Shinae lays her head again on Nol’s bed, the both of them refusing to sleep. Shinae probably fears that he’ll disappear if she sleeps, that he’ll slip through her fingers; Nol probably worries that when he wakes this will be over, the calm, the good feelings. There’s something so TENDER about them trying to delay the inevitable, to stretch the last remining time. And, again, with Dieter and Soushi sleeping (god I hope Dieter is sleeping), everything that follows just feels again like a little stolen moment, just like every other moment they share together. 

The shift in Nol and Shinae’s relationship dynamic is practically palpable. How many times has she gotten flustered over his gaze this night? How many times has she been unable to hold that gaze?! I’m a sucker for this! There’s likely a number of reasons that have brought this reaction out of it. It reminds me a lot of episodes 117 and 118 with the nugget crushing hand holding and the shared music moment - how Shinae marveled over her hands afterward, how she had to go lmao hold Minhyuk’s hand to feel it out. That, and the little flashback snippet of Nol doing her make up at the formal seem to be the times that Shinae has been most affected by Nol, and I think in a lot of ways they resonate with the version of him she knows now. But that’s the other thing. She knows more than Dieter and Soushi do and through that, she’s aware of that significance and I think it’s absolutely affected her. They’ve been so incredibly vulnerable with each other all evening - Shinae being so uncharacteristic and saying so many heartfelt, sentimental things in effort to reach Nol, sharing her story about middle school, the reveal about Alyssa, the little things he’s let slip about his family dynamic. Shinae is already seeing him in a new light, and so much of it is just raw and she’s yet to have a moment to really sit down and take in everything. But also, the GLANCES, his INTENSE expressions. 

I was talking to someone on reddit about this but the thing is - this isn’t Shinae’s first meeting with Nol like this. In so many of their shared moments, this is the person he’s been, letting down his goofy mask, talking seriously with her. The break in at her apartment, the phone call after his family dinner, the scene at the wac, the breakdown on the hospital terrace, the time he gave her his extra taco. Though not as raw as this Nol, the edges softened and blurred more than he is now, she’s come face to face with this iteration of him. It’s the intensity that is so new. And lmao that intensity is what makes him so alike Rand, who made Shinae quiver LMAOOOOOO it’s so funny that this is finally catching up to her, that their appearance is finally frazzling her. But I think it’s a culmination of all of this. There’s an awareness at the tip of her tongue that she’s yet to voice, yet to confront, but she’s certainly acting on it. The stolen glances, the flustered glances away, the way she is so WHOLLY affected. 

It’s only just earlier this week, as far as the timeline goes, that Shiane realized HOW important Nol is to her, HOW scared she is of losing him, how much he means to her. Dieter used the l-word! It’s not a casual friendship. And his significance to her seems to dance along the border between platonic and romance - you can be significant to someone without it being romantic, you can be a person someone doesn’t want to lose without it being romantic. But SHE has to find that significance, she has to figure that out. All this shyness and flustering - is it the newness of this side of Nol, of all this vulnerability shared between them, or is it something more in the ways they bring comfort to each other, the ways they seem to stabilize each others’ world. I don’t think we’ve seen it demonstrated as strongly as we have with Nol, how Shinae’s presence and can center Nol and root him in the present, but I think we’ve seen a few instances of Nol being the same for her. 

This is one of those things about love and romance and friendship that fascinates me. At what point IS it romance? At what point does that friendship turn into “I want more of this I need more of this”? You can receive comfort from so many people, so at what point does it become something romantic?

And I think that’s what Shinae and Nol are toeing. Nol, certainly, is becoming more aware of that affect she has on him, the way she roots him to the present, the way she brings him much needed peace. Does Shinae realize yet the way she seeks him out? Does she realize how much peace she’s also gotten from him? 

And it seems so mutual, the way Nol gives in and indulges in the peace, the way he initiates these little moments of physicality. And it could absolutely be nothing, it could absolutely be just a casual touch amongst friends, except it’s them, and she’s flustered and looking away, and the butterflies seem to dance off the page. It’s the way he looks from her gift, loaded with what began their friendship what brought them into each other’s lives, and looks over at her trying to drown out his reaction, too embarrassed (TOO SHY!!!!!!) to see, that eyeless frame (QUIMCHEE DOES THIS SO MUCH! SO OFTEN! WHEN SHIELDING NOL’S FEELINGS!!!!!!) when he reaches over with his fingers in her hair.

HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT. HE COULD JUST TAP HER SHOULDER. HE COULD JUST SCOOT NEARER. BUT HE DOESN’T. IT’S HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR, NEAR THE SCAR THAT PUT HER INTO DEFENSE MODE except she’s not, and he’s there, and she can’t look directly at him and he moves in close and it’s so INTIMATE it’s so TENDER it’s like the earbuds sharing moment except somehow even MORE because now she’s aware, NOW the fluttering is there, the stolen glances, the close proximity, the way he relaxes when he’s close to her, the way he is being so much MORE than he’s been before. 

His tapping finger and that coy, flirty, finger dancing?! The way she glances away as her finger dances towards him, on some level aware of what it means what it is a little too shy too coy, he way he hesitantly joins in and it’s something so SILLY so GOOFY such a light, light moment and GOD it’s beautifully done? You can FEEL the flirtiness of it, you can FEEL the little butterflies, the shyness and hesitation. The way Nol’s smile fades and he becomes serious before his finger hooks around hers, the way she thinks he’s playing until she, too, realizes, he’s not UGH. /UGH/ I SCREAM!!!!!!! How is it that a single finger hooked around another makes me scale the walls like this?! It’s such a small thing, but it’s so BOLD, initiating a dance even though he must be in pain! His back?! His body?! He’s not even on morphine ;~; He’s just. ENDURING IT. 

And idk, I never know what’s going through his mind. The dance she offered him that they never got to share. Something more significant than fingers dancing, something that means MORE. 

And again, that’s the thing. I think he’s so at war with himself. He’s still calling her Yoo, but he’s touching and so close and initiating that dance and he can tell himself it doesn’t mean anything, but he already knows. He already figured that out last episode. Soon he’ll be gone and he’ll be away from the people he loves, all alone again, and he’s scared to go. He still can’t bring himself to use her name, he can’t be so familiar with her - and yet is this not a more familiar way of being? I feel like part of is is that feeling of how fleeting this moment is, wanting to capture as much of it as possible, finally acting on what he wants. All those times he’s reached out only to close his fist, and this time he isn’t hesitating, this time he isn’t denying himself. This is what he wants, so he goes for it. 

Will he regret it? I hope he’s far enough beyond his point of no return that he can’t. I hope he’s acting out of clarity that if this is the case, if this is how he feels, then why shouldn’t he allow himself this. Perhaps there’s fear that when he comes back it will all be different, that this will be a fleeting dream and everyone will move on without him. It feels like the cusp of a dream and reality, where you allow yourself to indulge because soon you return to the real world, to the waking nightmare of reality and this will be all you have left to carry with you. 

It feels even more likely when he crumbles when she mentions when he returns. Perhaps it could be that he DOES intend to never come back after he releases, but idk, I guess I’m just so hopeful that’s not the case? It could be a parallel to the hug in the rain, when she asked if any of it was real and he hugged her because it wasn’t until it was and he couldn’t bear to say so. But it also feels so much like he’s afraid. The way he buries his head in her shoulder, his face hidden so she can’t see his emotions, their hands still held at their side feels so much like he’s afraid and doesn’t want to say so, wants to put on a brave face but he can’t. “When he returns” because for a time he will be away and he just had the sweetest taste of calm and when he wakes up from this dream the waking nightmare resumes, he’ll again be all alone and it’s so much harder to go back to alone when you’ve had a taste for this, when you’ve indulged. How can he go back to before, how can he face this new stage alone? 

It’s such a sad little scene, the way they’re standing together, another dance interrupted, but at the same time, there’s something sweet. Very bittersweet, I guess. Maybe it’s just because he’s too weary and hasn’t had it in him to put up the walls again, but to see him, yet again, seeking that comfort in her, allowing himself something he once would have denied himself. Allowing himself to feel his feelings and to comfort himself. 

There’s just so much that is beautiful and painful about this episode. For this to be the first time he’s felt peaceful and calm and he nearly died in order to have this moment? The knowing that he will have to leave, that he’ll have to return to feeling small and insignificant, that he has to face a new fear when he goes to prison, when this little suspended moment in time is all over. While I personally think - or hope - we’ll get to see a positive transformation from Nol while he’s locked up, thanks to the counseling he’ll be going through, it’s still hard to watch him have to leave this. I don’t want to romanticize his sentence by any means lol but I do think being away from his family, away from the people who chip away at him and tear him down, can give him so peace to confront what he hasn’t been able to. I don’t think it will be a total transformation of any kind - just the necessary first steps. Nol needs to be away from the Hiraharas, and to learn to see the worth in himself. 

I mentioned this earlier in this post, but I’ve been thinking a LOT about perception of self, and how others see us. For instance, the version of me that I intimately know, that exists to me, doesn’t necessarily exist to others. Likewise, there are people who will see me in very different ways than I see myself, and it’s not that they don’t know me well, it’s just that we all are different people to everyone we know. We’re multifaceted and shaped by our experiences, but also by our actions and how we’ve affected the people with whom we interact. 

Nol sees himself as a villain, as a monster, as someone who needs to be punished. But that’s not the version of him that Shinae knows, or Dieter or Soushi, either. To them, he’s a hero, he’s someone who does good. Shinae described him as the sun and while I think that’s partly because of his bright smile and bubbly personality as Yeonggi, I think it’s also in the way that he can make things a little better for everyone. Nol has never been able to see himself the way others see him, though, because he’s so pre-occupied with the version of himself he knows, the one that’s been so heavily influenced by the Hiraharas. That he’s a mistake, that he shouldn’t exist, that everything would be better without him. And because he can’t see those versions of himself, he can’t see that it’s not true. Shinae certainly wouldn’t be better off without him, nor would Soushi or Dieter. BECAUSE he’s in their lives, they are better off. And that’s what he needs to learn to see, to reconcile with the version of him that exists. Because sure, that’s part of him. Maybe it’s not correct, but it’s a part of his identity. But so is the version of him that exists to his friends. So is the version of him that Nana loves. And obviously, it’s not so easy to wake up to those sides, because of how overwhelming this version of him is. But I hope that time away from the people who feed into that image, with some counseling might help him start to clear that away and better see himself for who he is, all the multitudes that he is. 

Because here’s the thing - people contain a range of good and bad, that’s what makes us human. Our choices ultimately define that, but so do our circumstances. This is why I can offer empathy towards characters like Kousuke and Alyssa who have made choices that we wouldn’t consider right, but make sense for their circumstances. Nol contains so much darkness, but he also contains so much light. Maybe he’s not as radiant as Yeonggi - but maybe it’s only because he hasn’t had the chance to be. Who could he be with a break from the people who tear him apart? Who could he be away from their influence? That’s what I’m keen to see, and that’s why I think he’s not intending to leave everyone after prison - or at least not GHOST people. Maybe he does need to get physically away, go to college abroad, but that doesn’t mean he’d be abandoning his friends this time. 

Nol’s real family sucks. But this family - his found family - they can bring him the joy and happiness he deserves, even before he thinks he deserves it. Again, maybe I’m just being really hopeful, but I just feel like this is a significant, defining moment for him, hopefully the beginning of him realizing he’s allowed to indulge, he’s allowed the same comfort he’s offered to others. 

Gosh what a tangent lol I know this post would be a mess. I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. I have sooooooo many disorganized feelings seeing Nol like this, how sad I feel how happy I feel how much my stupid heart pitter patters over his interactions with Shinae. The callback to the dance at the formal where she was so uncomfortable (BUT NOW! NOW! SHE’S NOT!!!!!!) the teasing about her dancing, and he WILL miss her. HE’LL MISS HER! UGH /GOD/ 

But boy do I hope Dieter is fast asleep lmao ;~; I don’t think Shinae or Nol are ready to face what is unfolding, but Dieter reads them so well, he’s aware of things before they are. He knows what he is, for lack of better word “competing” against, and I think maybe he even knows it’s a losing battle. He made his move and she turned him down and I think he’s accepted her friendship with grace and delight - getting to know her better, getting to grow closer to her than he ever thought. And god, isn’t it painful to watch her and know that she seems to be drawn somewhere else, that it’s nothing you can do anything about? Because Dieter loves Nol, too. He probably understands how someone would be drawn to him at all! And while I think Dieter is a character who would handle things with grace, it would still hurt. I don’t think Shinae and Nol are a thing that, if they ever happen, would do so any time soon, and by that time I like to think Dieter would be over Shinae in that way, that they’d be close friends still, that they’d be people who root for each other and want the best for each other. But for him to have that awareness NOW, ugh the pain. He’s already taken note of the way she is with Nol vs how she is with him, the way she was so overwrought when they found out about all the secrets and lies, when they found her crying in the rain. 

I DON’T WANT HIM TO GO THROUGH THAT DAMNIT ;A; 

But we are definitely at this point where it’s a little too obvious to deny, a little too obvious to look away from. Any attempt at earning Shinae’s affection feels like you’re competing with something else. Even if she’s not ready to face it and admit it yet, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Whether or not it’s romantic or not is for her to decide, but for us as readers, we know that it’s something significant, that they have a mutual effect on each other that’s undeniable. There is so much trust shared between them now - despite it all, she trusts him, and he knows now that he can trust and rely on her, too. And as an outsider, it’s just obvious that something is there, however that something is defined. It’s not a stretch to say that Nol takes a priority, that she will at this point push things aside for him. 

Even romance aside, I think this is a dynamic we’ll be seeing a lot of going forward, because Nol still is not fast to open up to people and to rely on them. Trusting Shinae like this, letting her in to this more vulnerable side, I think defines a lot of their relationship to come as they evolve. Maybe Nol will leave and go abroad and maybe Shinae will date other people in that time, but I think we’ll see that Nol maintains a special place in her heart, that will be difficult for a lot of people to compare to. How do you compare to someone who has these experiences with her, who has developed a bond through these trials and tribulations lol? 

GOD. 

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I JUST. WANNA!!!!!!!! SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #Shinae Yoo #Nol #Nolan Oliver T. Lochain #Stalkyoo #Aegi #gotta.... keep other things from the tags for now so i don't SPOIL huhuhhu #i'll try to remember to add them in a month LMAO #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #/AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA/ #FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #Idk if this post is too rambly or if it's coherent or what #it's like 4 a.m. and i've been rambling on this for like 2 hours trying to get it all out and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #pls pls PLS feel free to respond in the comments since i've marked this for spoilers lol I JUST. WANNA YELL #and also i'm v curious to hear other peoples' thoughts on certain things in here i wanna know if you agree with my expectations/hopes #I feel like i'll be expanding on some thoughts in here at another time but also for now I'VE JUST TRIED TO WORD VOMIT EVERYTHING OUT #so many soft and tender feelings #a little sad a little wistful a little bittersweet #but mostly just so much hope #what a truly truly beautiful episode #definitely read it with the sound on because the music just punctuates PERFECTLY the tone is just SO RIGHT because of it #;~; #now i'm gonna go cry again LMAO #ILY Commentary

[unmotivated-student]

If someone asks elMariana how he got to the islands of the purgatory, I can only imagine a response like:

"The demon from hell who is pretending to be Juanaflipa threw me here after I followed it to a strange place, I trusted bastard and it betrayed me, Juanaflipa would never do that, since it said it preferred roast beef tacos over elote I knew it wasn't Flipa but I gave it the benefit of the doubt, how sad mien..."

#qsmp purgatory #qsmp rambles #qsmp #3 a.m. thoughts #maybe delete later #no one asked but...

[brb-on-a-quest]

So, I got the idea from (@igotthisaccountunderduress), so I humbly submit another one-scene Batfic idea that I wrote almost entirely at 2 A.M. It's the first time I've managed to sit down and write so many words at one time so I'm taking it as a win regardless. (Thanks, Iggy, for live blogging all the Dr Who specials, it's been entertaining).

_____

“Master Bruce, with all due respect, may I recommend you finish for the night and get some rest, sir?” Alfred Pennyworth doesn’t even knock as he walks into the Bat cave. Young Master Bruce (not so young anymore with a brood of his own, but some fatherly part of Alfred can’t see him any other way) is still pacing in front of the bat computer, sweat racing down his forehead even though the temperature is quite brisk. 

“Alfred, you know I can’t.” Master Bruce says, his tone sounding much more snippy than usual. Must be the stress. “I don’t need you anymore for tonight.” He adds, tongue more in cheek this time. “Get some rest. No use in both of us clucking all night like mother hens.” 

“Master Bruce, I must protest. It’s been over twenty-four hours. Master Dick-”

“Names, Alfred.” Master Bruce protests. “We’re in the Bat cave.”

Alfred exhales but nods. Wayne Manor, Wayne rules. “Robin, Signal, and the girls are out on patrol, bringing on both Nightwing and Red Hood for assistance. Red Robin’s doing everything he can research-wise, and all the bases have been covered, sir.” Although Master Bruce’s back is turned to him, Alfred grins behind his closed hand. “If I may be so bold, there is no reason for you to not take care of yourself anymore.” 

“I should be out there with them.” 

“If I can remind you, Master Bruce, I haven’t given you a clean bill of health yet”

"I should be finding more leads.” Master Bruce sat down in his spinny office chair and started twirling towards the Bat-Computer. 

“Let Miss Barbara and Master Timothy work on that, it’s part of their strengths. They’ll find something. You’re not going to be any sort of help to any of your children if you are passed out on the floor of the bat Cave, sir.” 

“What would they say?” 

“I think Master Jason would try and knock you out himself, Master Dick would fight you all the way to your bedroom while boring you with puns, Master Timothy would try some shenanigans neither one of us had thought of yet, and Damien will just yell at you until something happened. Not to mention what any of the others would do-- please, sir, just go to bed.” 

“Someone should let the Justice League-”

“You did that earlier, sir.” Alfred was beginning to wonder if he should call in one of the robins for backup. “Really, Master Bruce, I-”

“Fine. You’re right, Alfred.” Master Bruce smiled wryly as he stood up from the chair, pushing it back into the desk. “I’ll go to sleep.”

“You have a bath drawn in your room, sir. And there are tea and cookies placed on the nightstand if you have a smattering of hunger before sleep.��� Alfred smiled in victory. 

“Did you lace them with Doxepin or something so I’d fall asleep better?” Bruce chuckled.

“Master Bruce, I am not as low as all that. It’s just lavender and strawberry tea, sir.” Alfred sniffed, feigning hurt. 

“Ok, ok, just checking. Can’t be too sure about anything anymore. G’nite Alfie” 

“Sleep well, Master Bruce.” Alfred smiled, relishing the sweet taste of victory as he saw the pieces of the black suit get dismantled. Alfred handed Master Bruce, now looking more like Young Master Bruce, his robe and watched as the very tired man stumble towards the stairs. 

“Allow me to escort you, sir.” Alfred slipped underneath Master Bruce’s arms before he could fall. 

Master Bruce didn’t protest.

After Alfred Pennyworth was satisfied that Bruce Wayne would sleep, he walked down to the bat cave, being careful to avoid the one creaky spot on the front stairwell. By his calculations, none of the children would be back yet, and he had a small window of opportunity.

He was not wrong. Alfred Pennyworth is rarely wrong. 

On the darkened edge of the Bat cave, a landline phone hung on the rocky wall. Its original function was to connect Wayne Manor with the cave if Alfred needed Master Bruce or Master Dick for something or vice versa. They had since upgraded the technology, but since it was more work than necessary to uninstall the landline, Master Bruce just kept it there, just in case.

Alfred smiled as he picked up the receiver end. He had the phone number he needed etched into his memory for all time. 9-9-9. 

One ring goes by, then three. Alfred isn’t worried. The individual on the other end was known to be not the least organized of persons. 

By the end of the sixth ring, a sliver of doubt passes through his mind What if-, but then there’s the click of someone else picking up.

“Hullo?” It’s a man’s voice, with a delightfully Scottish accent that Alfred sometimes missed when he felt older than usual 

“Hello, this is Alfred Pennyworth of Wayne Manor-” Alfred starts but doesn’t get three seconds in before the other person goes “ALFIE! Oh, Alfie, you old bean, it’s so good to see you.”

Alfred Pennyworth smiles. “It’s a pleasure to hear your voice again, Doctor. Now, if you would be so kind as to jump the pond and come drop by the manor, I think we have a little problem that would be your cup of tea. It's Gotham, June 7th, 2023, at approximately 10:43 A.M. I trust you still have the Wayne Manor address? You can park your Tardis in the back garden. Master Bruce will be delighted to see you again.”  

"I'll be there in a jiffy." With the Doctor's promise assured, Alfred hangs up the landline and goes to alert the others of the new force in Gotham.

#batfic #batman #doctor who #writing #two a.m. rambles #alfred #alfred pennyworth

[cloudbells]

Fantasy racism is one of my least favorite things in fiction writing, ever. Because why do 90% of people attempting to tackle it do it so wrong and honestly their depiction makes me wonder about their real life views.

Like the biggest reason why real life racism is so evil and nonsensical is because the only inherent different among races is the pigment of someone's skin.

So when you, as a writer, attempt a racism allegory like "Oh this race of people were once VIOLENT and DESTRUCTIVE SAVAGES, but are now docile and there's no reason to fear them anymore 🥺" it really gets on my last nerve cause that's not the take away!

Imma bash Zootopia for a bit, okay. The predator class (literally predators God help me) are being given this drug that reduces them to their base instincts which is kill and eat the prey class in the movie. The prey class has very real and very valid and historical reasons to fear their literal natural predators. And the lesson is "You shouldn't discriminate against people different from you just because of what they were born as" but that's horrifically awful for a racism allegory because oppressed races in real life did NOTHING to justify the fear and ire of their oppressors!

I saw someone else say this, but a better example of fantasy racism would be in a cat world. Where all cats live in harmony except for black cats because they're seen as a bad omen and a sign of bad luck because they are born with black fur. Nothing INHERENTLY wrong, but simply an aesthetic difference and baseless stereotypes that causes them to be discriminated against.

"But user cloudbells fiction is fiction and not everything is meant to reflect the real world-" don't care + authors literally cite their inspiration being real world bigotry + writing doesn't exist in a vacuum + it's just bad thematic plotting + ur wrong and probably annoying.

#me my mine #ramblings of the a.m. #racism #fantasy racism #im going to sleep now #no nonsense allowed in my notes

[idontplaytrack]

good night gays<33 janis smut coming tomorrow

#i dont play track’s rambles #it’s one a.m. #help me

[brandwhorestarscream]

Courtesan au

Rip Skywarp. All he wanted to do was float around and look pretty and occasionally get laid and now he has to move in with the royal family and protect them. The real question, however, is does Skywarp know how to fight? He seems like the kinda guy to at least know how to throw a punch. But he will probably have to know at least the basics if he’s going to be the crown prince and his trine mate’s bodyguard.

Sky's not a trained fighter or anything, but he does have masterful control of his body. Aerial ballet and the art of performing require a mech to be in excellent shape, after all: the very best courtesans work very hard to maintain their form and stay in the best possible condition. He's very flexible, light on his feet, and has quick reflexes, which is perfect for his intended job. He's not actually meant to be a fighter, but a failsafe for the prince. Removing him from dangerous situations, putting distance between them and threats. His warpdrive handles that just fine

The work is a lot less demanding than he thought it would be, honestly. He's assigned to Starscream pretty much around the clock, but he never actually has to do anything. It's not often someone is brave or stupid enough to charge a member of the royal family with a weapon. For the most part, he just follows Starscream around at social functions and is on standby whenever Thundercracker visits. He's bored to death and dreams of returning to the Heaven House

Star and TC notice that the life is being sucked out of him and try to help alleviate his suffering. Starscream manages to find the typical price range for his previous workplace and offers him bonus pay for similar entertainment. Skywarp lights up at that, over the moon when he's given a fine crystalline serving set, some fancy cards and silk ribbons. The two betrothed put on music and watch Skywarp refill with life right before their optics, and it's easy to see why he was such a well loved courtesan. In his element and doing what he loves, he's the picture of grace and so personable. He makes excellent conversation, and is so lively and full of zest. The stories he tells are captivating and he always has perfect delivery on his jokes. He has charming little parlor tricks and pours their wine in such a dramatic, artful way. They much prefer this version of Skywarp, giggly and friendly, over his sulky, silent vigil as their bodyguard.

After that breakthrough, things start to defrost between them. The two affianced are less tense, and Skywarp is happier. He gets to perform nightly for the prince, and whenever Thundercracker visits they play tabletop hologames as a trio, or watch Skywarp perform a one-mech drama or sing for them.

Life in the palace isn't as bad as he initially thought, but he notices pretty quickly that neither Starscream nor Thundercracker are happy. They have no light in their optics, their smiles are never genuine. Everything seems like a formality and an obligation. There's not a hint of passion or excitement for anything they do. They're so full of longing and melancholy it hurts. He hates seeing them deflate after social gatherings, hates watching Starscream collapse onto his berth heaving the most exhausted sigh and groaning like he's in terrible pain, hates seeing Thundercracker get increasingly more antsy, retreating into his shell more and more as hours drag on at banquets and soirees. They're always polite and praise his performances, but they're never actually happy. He's never had a customer be unhappy before, and makes it his personal mission to fix it!

#courtesan skywarp #hopefully these ramblings are comprehensible its 4 a.m. and i cant sleep #insomnia gang #if this doesnt make any sense lmk and ill rewrite it

[gwinaifen]

i wanna do a lil moot challenge where it goes "moot that u would protect and kill anyone that hurts them *insert user/name*", "moot that u think is cool *insert user/name*", "moot that u think u would burn things together if u two were put in the same kitchen *insert user/name*", "moot that u think would piss themselves in a haunted house *insert user/name*" AND SO ON BUT I DONT EVEN HAVE MANY MOOTS BESIDES QING KEIN KIYO AND USER SORUFU AND ELEMENTALSTATIC cries

#angel's rants #angel's rambles #qing would definitely be the moot that id protect and kill anyone that hurts them #kein is the cool moot and the moot that would bully 7 year olds on roblox (same HELPP) #kiyo is the moot that burns things and pretends to be a fb mom. #user sorufu and elementalstatic pls interact more.... #i feel like we would be a chaotic / odd bunch HEKLPp #LET ME BE YALL'S FUNNY SISTER OR THE COUSIN ONG 🗣️🗣️ #AND NO ONE HURT QING anyone who hurts qing will have to be careful about the noises they'll hear at 2:48 A.M tonight. /j

[feykrorovaan]

Anyone else wish that they had a magical dragon scale that took them to an alternate universe full of talking dragons that they could go on adventures with as a kid,or was that just me?

#feykrorovaan #Dragon tales #Kind of as an adult too tbh #This place sucks get me out of here #DRAGON TALES DRAGON TALES IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR DRAGON TALES #I am absolutely dating myself here 👀 #2 a.m ramblings

[mochatheangelkiller]

Timezones dont exists, youre just someone with a fucked up schedule

#@ all online friends who wake up at my 11a.m. - 4 a.m. #atlas rambles