#put in the work required to understand and accommodate someone
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What is gender?
Instead of asking “what is a woman?” I propose we should ask more what gender is. The transgender movement is, fundamentally about placing gender above sex, in language and law- although claiming sex is a spectrum or a complete construction is becoming more common. ‘Woman’ and ‘man’ aren’t sex terms, they’re genders, sexual attraction is based on gender, not sex, and public planning should be based on gender. So, what is it?
The roots of the word gender came from Latin, and originally meant ‘category, group.’ It has etymological roots with the word genre, and this is partly why we have the term grammatical gender in many languages. Gender became a synonym for biological sex hundreds of years ago, and is used partly as a more family friendly alternative. As a separate entity, however, gender refers to the social roles of male and female.
Here are a few definitions and helpful information:
Let’s look at the specifics of the different interpretations of the word ‘gender’.
Gender roles: Self explanatory. What feminists are against. What transgender activists claim to be against, and what they claim is not the basis for transgender identity. This seems to be the most clear and understandable definition, to me, anyway.
Gender identity: An internal sense of gender. This has been claimed to exist, but how this could possibly present or feel has not been in anyway demonstrated. Studies have shown transgender people have the brains of the gender they identify as, but those studies are shoddy and flawed. Brain scans aren’t required to transition, these studies don’t account for nonbinary-identified people, and the brain sex argument has fallen out of favor- so, we’ll say that’s not what’s being discussed here. So, what is? What is this internal gender identity? Can we find it? How do we know everyone has it? And why should it be prioritized over birth sex? What’s being described is, frankly, unverifiable and flimsy. Not to mention quite useless. This doesn’t mean I think that people who claim to have this feeling are lying- they could have something that is interpreted as gender, but that doesn’t mean it’s experienced by the general population, and this feeling could be caused by any number of areas. If this feeling is, indeed, dysphoria at being referred to a certain way, and/or euphoria at being referred to a certain way, again, how can we know this is a symptom of some deep held identity, or a sign of something different? How can we verify this, and while I understand personally adapting language to accommodate someone in your life, why should this take priority over sex for the general population?
Gender expression- How is this different than sex stereotypes, and gender roles? While I’m told that this doesn’t need to match general societal expectations, how does that actually work? If you’ve expressing your gender- whether that’s man, woman, or some form of nonbinary- even if you know anyone can dress how they want, even if you say ‘feminine’ or ‘masculine’ means something different to everyone, you are still making a connection between gender and how one looks- and according to the Miriam-Webster photo, acts. Not only is this, again, ridiculous to elevate this above sex in language and law, it’s unhealthy to hyper focus on how others see you, not to mention confusing and harmful message to constantly use the terms ‘gender identity’ and ‘gender expression’ together.
I’ll be honest, even if transgender people claim the movement isn’t about stereotypes, I don’t believe that’s the case. At the very least, it’s not the message every one of them got.
Conflating gender with sex, and the words ‘men’ and ‘women’ with personality, a feeling, clothes, vibes, interests, or an aesthetic, is a dangerous and ridiculous concept. Instead of what it’s claiming to do- breaking the gender binary- it’s putting men and women in a box, yourself. You are the one limiting what men and women can be. Even if everyone decided to identify as some form of nonbinary, this would not affect the reality of sexism and the perceived inferiority of 50% of the population- it would only paint a coat over it. It would make communication and activism impossible. By conflating experience of autism, or interest in space, or interest in a certain style of dress- with the terms man and woman, you are perpetuating stereotypes, not breaking them.
#My post#radical feminism#gender critical#radfem#radical feminist safe#radical feminists do interact#radblr#radical feminists do touch#radical feminist community#My bangers
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autumn tends to be dawn winery’s busiest season.
because the harvest season heralds weinlesefest, which brings people from all over to mondstadt to celebrate, well, wine. so, it goes without saying that dawn winery not only has their own booth set up, but also supplies bars all over the city, hosts more wine tours and tastings, and works hard to accommodate the rise in exports to all over teyvat.
and if dawn winery is busy, that means diluc is busy. he’s got less free time, frequently going over budgets with elzer, meeting with potential vendors, and overseeing the winery’s increased day to day activity.
but weinlesefest is special, and while most of the ragnvindr’s family traditions died with his father, this one was much too precious to let go. especially now that diluc had a family of his own.
your two children hold wicker baskets as they walk through the orchard, each clutching one of their father’s hands. they love this little tradition as much as he does, listening intently as he lectures them in the art of picking the finest grapes.
he teaches them the textures to feel for, the scents. it’s a little much for a three and four year old to understand, but they get the point when he gives them ideal grapes to munch on.
tonight, they’ll even get to crush what they’ve harvested themselves. though most of the winery’s products are crushed in a press, the age-old maceration method of grape-treading is part of the fun and messy ragnvindr tradition.
there’s a soft smile gracing his face as he follows them around the orchard, lifting your little daughter in his arms to help her reach the grapes at the top of the vine. it’s a sight that pulls the words right out of your mouth and instead resonates deep within your chest.
you’re content to watch from your spot on the picnic blanket, humming as you unpack the lunch adelinde had prepared.
“do you think we picked enough grapes for aunt jean?” you hear him ask, to which they both nod fervently.
“well, you definitely didn’t pick enough for uncle kaeya.”
your daughter’s little face lights up as said uncle strolls into the vineyard, eyeing the rows of unpicked grapes like a cat that got the canary. “uncle kaeya!”
diluc rolls his eyes as his kids run toward the cavalry captain, but the smile on his face is fond as his brother (who is, much to his chagrin, his children’s favourite at the moment) kneels down to wrap them up in his arms. your husband makes his way back to your side, groaning as he sits beside you on the blanket.
“of all the people,” he muses, shaking his head slightly, watching as kaeya leads your children in harvesting more than the required bunches of grapes, giggling together as they do so. “the grandmaster of the knights, the chief alchemist, literally anyone else. even that bard.”
“he’s the cavalry captain,” you remind him, leaning into his side. “and he’s decent enough at watching the kids.”
he replies with a noncommittal hum, wrapping an arms around you and pressing a kiss to your temple. “we should have him babysit more often then. say…tomorrow night?”
“it has been a while since we’ve gone out,” you agree. a night out is just what the two of you need after how busy the both of you have been preparing for the festival.
“i know. i’ll make us a reservation and you…you can put on that black dress i like.”
you shake your head, face suddenly hot with embarrassment when you remember what’d happened the last time you’d worn the dress. “oh no. the black dress is retired, diluc.”
“since when?”
“since i had two children!”
“then i bet it’ll fit even better now because of—” he gestures vaguely at your chest.
you’re about to offer him a witty retort when you see kaeya appears before the both of you, your daughter clutching his hand and rubbing at her eyes. “looks like someone’s feeling the effect of missing her nap.”
you move to take her, but diluc beats you to it. “i’ve got her.”
of course, your little girl relaxes at the sight of her father, holding her arms out to him. diluc hoists her up, pressing his lips to her forehead and murmuring something only she can hear, her little face scrunching with laughter as he nudges her nose with his. “come on, let’s go get your brother so we can crush some grapes.”
“it’s like they get cuter everyday,” kaeya sighs, joining you in watching your little family in the vineyard. “you guys did good.”
“we ‘did good?’” you chuckle, sending him a strange look.
“yeah,” he shrugs. “it’s good to have proof that my straight-laced brother’s had sex more than once in his life.”
you roll your eyes, but are unable to hold back a smile. "what about you?"
“oh, i’ve had way more se—”
“i meant kids, kaeya.”
he hangs his head between his legs, shoulders trembling as he laughs. "ah, my lifestyle isn't exactly conducive to kids right now," he tells you.
then, after a moment, "someday, though. definitely someday."
you watch as diluc shifts his daughter into one arm, scooping your son up with the other. you’re graced with one of his rare, soft smiles when they both cuddle into him, clinging to his neck.
"hey, kaeya?" you ask. "do you feel like babysitting tomorrow?"
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WHAT CAN YOU DO TO FIND LOVE?
These are general readings meant for entertainment purposes. You can partake in advice, but do not let it cloud your decision-making.
I do take paid readings. You can contact me for them. Make sure you have either Paypal or Gpay! DM for the price list!
(IMAGES ARE TAKEN FROM PINTEREST)
PILE 1:
To find love, you have to let go of any attachment that you hold for it. You will need to start doing things that excite you. You have been in isolation for a long time, and it is time to move out of the hermit phase. You have been inside for far too long, and your person isn't going to fall out of the sky. At some point, you will meet them. The interesting part is that you will not see this person coming. They will come quickly and set off a spark. Besides, if you feel that love can't get here soon enough, here's something that will help you go through time: you need to learn to multitask. Your overall quality of life will experience steady growth that will increase your confidence.
When you realize that this is your person, do not force them to move too quickly with the relationship. Take your time and take a breather. You also need to understand that relationships aren't all hearts and flowers. They require work. You are two individuals from different backgrounds who have to understand each other. It's basically taking a glimpse into each other's past and working to ensure that it doesn't affect your future.
Frantic energy is not what will suit you in a relationship. If you are in a hurry to be in a relationship soon, it is not going to happen sooner. Instead, it will be more delayed. It's annoying for sure, but it makes you a more stable individual.
Your responsibilities come first. The more you focus on them, the more your person will be attracted to you. I just read somewhere today that the pain of discipline is worth all the troubles in the world.
You have a lot of hope in your relationship, and your partner will meet your expectations. But it is important to develop alongside them and not just expect a developed individual to come your way. You will need to grow alongside them too, perhaps even more than them. You will have the love that you dreamed of.
PILE 2:
To find love, you have to let go of your control issues and jealous instincts. It is very hard to break old habits, especially those that are rooted in trauma, but you will not find love until you understand that these habits are harming you way more than anyone else. These things hurt you every time. You will never be able to establish a relationship filled with trust unless you are willing to trust the other person too. You may have been cheated on and lied to before, but trust is still a two-way street. When you meet your person, you will have to believe in them. Your person will be accommodating to you and understand that many of your habits stem from your past issues, but do not push their boundaries too much either. You have to be willing to work on these things too. You must speak to a therapist if these thoughts are interfering with your relationship, romantic or otherwise.
When you begin your journey of healing, you will find yourself. As cheesy as it may sound, when we love ourselves, we do not let anyone else put us down. We know our worth and we refuse to put up with any amount of bullshit. Your person will be protective of you, and that much can be said. Your person will not let you fester in doubt. They are someone patient with a calming aura. They love you a lot, and watching you hurt, hurts them. Your person will help you along the way. This is someone who will help advance your career as well, not as your boss, but as someone with good connections.
To find love, you have to heal from your traumas. It is a challenge, for sure. But in the end, it will help you feel lighter. There is this dark cloud that hangs over us when emotions are unaddressed. You may not be engaging in physically taxing activity, but you feel tired all the time. You don't want to meet people, and you may feel like giving up on love and hope. However, healing makes it better. There may be some bad days, but that dark cloud does not stay suspended in the same place. Days feel lighter and you will feel like laughing more.
PILE 3:
To find love, you have to find solace in yourself. You may have been waiting for someone to swoop in and save you from all the bad things going on, but here's some tough love: no one is going to help you change your circumstances. Sometimes, we're stuck in tough phases and we have to ride it out because we don't control all the cards. During these times, it's easy to get lost in the fantasy that someone will come and rescue us. But the thing is, sometimes we have to go through things alone. You could be surrounded by people and still feel lonely in a room.
Here's the thing: there's something that you can control - your daily activities, your thought process, and your reaction to situations, as well as how you deal with your emotions. Don't ever suppress your feelings because it will only leave you hurt. A lot of people are able to keep their feelings hidden and move on, but you're not the same. These feelings will bother you for a long time. That's not at all a lousy thing; in fact, it's a rare thing in this world. Let yourself feel everything fully, be it joy, pain, or excitement.
Your person is someone you've dreamed of a lot, and this person is going to be surprising to you. When they arrive, you may not connect with them immediately - it's funny how these things work. Your person will feel like a king with you by their side. This person will shield you from a lot of things, but right now, you have to practice spirituality and practicality. Look out for yourself.
Let this person come to you at their speed, and don't try to manifest them too soon. When you meet, you'll be the best versions of yourselves - both of you.
IF YOU WANT MORE READINGS, YOU CAN CHECK MY INSTAGRAM: @A_sarcastic_Reader.
#tarotblr#tarot#divine feminine#pac#pick a card#pick a pile#tarot cards#tarotonline#tarotcommunity#tarot deck#tarotofinstagram#witch#beginner witch#future spouse#pacfuturespouse#18+ tarot#18+tarot reading
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Not-so-hot take: Having accessibility options is useless if you don’t let people know they exist
Yesterday I went to go see Wicked on tour with my parents, one of which is hard of hearing. She doesn’t like going to theaters (both live theater and movie theaters) because she’s never able to follow what’s happening but she went because she wanted to make me happy. She ended up deciding to leave after act 1 because she wasn’t enjoying it since she couldn’t understand what was being said (it didn’t help that the seats were very poorly set up she people’s heads basically blocked the entire stage). When she went to leave and was asked why and told them it was because she couldn’t hear what was being said, they told her “oh, well there’s headphones you can get before the show!”. Of course at this point it’s too late and she ended up just sitting in the lobby for the rest of the show.
After the show we decided to go to their website to see what accommodations they had, and it took forever to even get to the page about them. It shouldn’t be that hard for someone to access the accommodations you provide. We’ve attended multiple shows at this theater and never once have we seen a sign or anything else letting us know what kind of accommodations they had. Even something as simple as a pop up when purchasing tickets that says “Does anyone in your party require visual, auditory, sensory or other accommodations?” And list what’s available. There’s already a popup letting you know if your seats arnt wheelchair accessible, so why not add this too?
We’ve had similar experiences with movie theaters where we’ve only recently learned about those captioning systems that go in your cupholder. Before than all we knew about where the headphones that only worked about 50% of the time (half the time you were lucky if they were even charged). Why have accessibility options when you’re not even going to offer them to those who might need it.
We’re going back to that theater in June to see Beetlejuice, and we’re going to try to set up headphones before the show so we can all enjoy it together. That’ll be the fourth show we’ve seen at this theater. It should not have taken 4 shows to be made aware of what options they had available. Not to mention if my mom had never brought up the issue and the staff member didn’t say anything, we still wouldn’t know about it. If you have other similar stories about places making it hard to access their accommodations, please share them. This stuff drives me crazy, because it’s really not that hard to put your accommodations somewhere accessible.
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Hi. My spouse and I (both entj or so) both handle conflict terribly. We stonewall, work around each other, withdraw to sulk for hours/days when called out, or at worst lash out verbally. I already find it hard to understand and articulate my emotional needs. It doesn't help when he seems to want clear black and white rules that don't ever have to change according to what's going on with me or accommodate me when I'm struggling. Do you have any tips on how to get started addressing this pattern?
When both parties handle conflict terribly, it's like the blind leading the blind. Since there isn't someone skilled enough to steer things in the right direction, it might be necessary to get expert help from a neutral third party in couple's therapy. It sounds like you both have a lot to learn about relationships. While it's possible to get tips online or read books to make some improvements to the situation, it might not be enough to help you tackle the deeper issues. Therapy is often a more efficient option because the learning is tailored to your specific needs and you get real-time guidance and practice.
Relationship skill is actually a set of skills including things such as: emotional intelligence, stress management, assertiveness, communication, negotiation, conflict resolution, moral reasoning. While it may seem overwhelming to think of how much there is to learn, you can view it as an investment. After all, you spent many years of your life learning reading, writing, and arithmetic so that you could one day be able to support yourself financially. Isn't it just as important to be able to handle yourself well socially in order to live a truly fulfilling life? If you agree, then you should be more than willing to put in the time and effort to learn these skills.
From your description, it's not yet clear to me that your spouse is as up to the task of learning as you are, so this seems like the first major issue that needs to be addressed. Imagine that you're learning to drive and you believe you must follow every little rule of the road at all times, in exactly the way the driver's manual taught you. Would doing this make you a "good" driver? Actually, it could make you a terrible driver and even create dangerous situations. An important aspect of being a great driver is adjusting to the immediate conditions of the road. For instance, driving in a snowstorm requires you to slow down, drive defensively, and grant leeway for others to make mistakes on the ice.
Generally speaking, human beings have succeeded as a species not because of rules, but because they have evolved to be highly adaptable, which keeps them in touch with reality and able to confront the challenges of their ever changing circumstances. Adaptability is especially important in relationships because social interactions are very fluid situations, with lots of variables in motion, with lots of potential for unexpected events. The more you can take the whole social context into consideration, the more likely you are to speak effectively and make good social choices. Emotional intelligence is one important way to increase your mental flexibility and thereby your adaptability, which you can read about in the dedicated articles I've already provided.
Of course, human beings need some rules because life would get too chaotic and fall apart otherwise. However, when a person relies too heavily on rules, they become more and more mentally inflexible, and then rule following can easily become a mental health issue that creates more problems than it solves. (I have discussed before how an exacting rule-based approach to life can be a sign of psychological immaturity.)
Mental flexibility isn't a genetic trait, rather, it's largely learned through environmental influences. This is an important point because mentally inflexible people tend to claim "this is just how I am". This is true only to the extent that people can become more and more set in their habits as they get older. However, this decline into stasis is not inevitable and it does not preclude the possibility of change. In fact, one should actually nurture the ability to change periodically in order to keep the mind active and stave off cognitive decline in old age.
It's quite possible to improve mental flexibility, but, first, a person has to acknowledge that their mental inflexibility is a problem that produces self-sabotaging behavior. Once they can admit the problem, they can address the underlying causes. For example:
- Some people feel as though they need fixed rules because they are afraid of making mistakes, getting caught by the unexpected, or feeling unmoored in unfamiliar situations. The underlying issue is often insecurity, low self-confidence, or distrust of the world. They don't feel as though they can handle situations successfully without rules to guide them through the challenges. Unfortunately, they don't realize that their strict belief in the rules is precisely what prevents them from being able to perform well on their feet. They usually need to learn and practice acceptance, in order to relax and go with the flow better.
- Some people only know to follow rules because they suffer from an utter lack of imagination. The underlying issue is often a stubborn narrow-mindedness or short-sightedness. For them, everything in life exists within the confines of the rules, which means life easily becomes stagnant. They never accept new ideas and thus never encounter ways to improve or progress. Eventually, life moves on without them and they become a relic of the past. This kind of alienation is a painful state. However, if they can acknowledge that pain, it can be used to motivate change and rejoin the flow of life. They usually need to learn and practice open-mindedness, in order to take advantage of good opportunities to move forward.
- Some people rely too much on fixed rules because they use laziness as a defense mechanism. They don't want to deal with complexity, complications, ambiguity, or shades of gray. The underlying issue is often an unwillingness to commit. They simply don't care enough to put out time and effort, often because their efforts have been met with disappointment too many times in the past. They may use rules as easy mental shortcuts or hide behind the rules to avoid being held accountable for bad decisions. Eventually, they fall into deep existential boredom that infects their relationships and drives people away. Their relationships won't improve until they can finally confront and resolve their fear of commitment.
- Some people harp on the rules out of arrogance. They take too much pride in their ability to follow the rules and in having the willpower to resist straying from them. The underlying issue is often egotism or perfectionism. They use rule abidance as a way to define people's worth and cast moral judgment upon those they dislike, and they might even lord the rules over people in order to feel superior. Unfortunately, their perfectionist enforcement of the rules can lead to blowback that worsens aggression in a vicious cycle. Until they can step back, reflect, and become more aware of what's really driving the perfectionism, their relationships will remain extremely shallow and unfulfilling for everyone involved.
I don't know your spouse, so I can't tell you why he's mentally inflexible. Perhaps he's resistant because he doesn't want to face up to his own shortcomings. However, it's important to acknowledge that, in many cases, relationship problems are rooted in the unresolved psychological issues of the individual. Thus, it is necessary to do a certain amount of self-work in order to be a better partner.
Psychological issues shouldn't be viewed as "personal failings" to be ashamed of. It's better to view psychological issues as matters of ignorance - lack of knowledge and skill - that can be properly remedied through learning, study, and practice. Many people think they should go to therapy because there's something wrong with them. In my view, therapy isn't about "fixing" what's "wrong" with oneself in any moral sense. Rather, it's about learning the knowledge and skills you missed out on for whatever reason earlier in life. You aren't born knowing everything and you don't always have the opportunity to learn all the tools you need to tackle life's problems.
Relationships are the prime example. People learn their approach to relationships unconsciously as children, through observing their parents, authority figures, and peers (see: attachment theory). This can be a problem when those people weren't good role models or were bad at relationships, thus passing on unhealthy ways to the next generation. As an adult, it's important to realize your true power. You don't have to keep those unhealthy lessons you learned earlier in life. You can learn how to do better at any time as long as there is opportunity and access to the right learning resources. Your motivation to learn should come from deep within you, from a longing to make the most of your potential.
Is there enough willingness to learn and improve, though? Resistance to learning new things is a big obstacle in personal growth and relationship growth. In order to establish the right frame of mind for growth, both you and your spouse have to nurture as much openness to learning as possible. Once the both of you are equally motivated and committed to improving, the learning can begin in earnest.
My suggestion is usually to start at the surface and move your way down into deeper territory as necessary, which allows you to go gradually from easy to difficult in a logical fashion. The first thing you could learn is better ways of communicating, e.g.: choosing more appropriate words; using more constructive language; framing ideas in a way that is more palatable to the listener; listening more carefully to the real meaning; asking clarifying questions in a neutral manner; etc. A therapist can help you with this and you can also consult the communication books I've recommended on the resources page.
In the process of improving your communication skills, you're bound to meet some obstacles. For example, you may find it difficult to communicate when emotions are heightened. This obstacle points to a deeper issue beneath the surface of the communication of not being able to manage emotions well. Thus, the second layer to work on would be emotional intelligence. When you're working on that, another obstacle may arise, such as a past hurt that keeps triggering heightened emotions. Exploring and resolving that past experience would then be the third layer to work on. And so on and so forth.
In short, each obstacle you run into while learning a psychological skill might point you to a deeper problem. In this way, you gradually get deeper and deeper until you finally bump up against the heart of the matter. There is no timeline I can give you as to how long this learning process takes because there's no telling how deep the matter goes until you get there. It really depends on the individuals involved and how much work each of them needs to do. For some couples, improving communication might be enough to get the relationship back on track. For other couples, they might eventually realize that individual therapy is necessary for healing old psychological issues before they can recommence together.
It's important to be patient and take one step at a time rather than focus too much on the end result. There is always hope to mend and salvage a relationship as long as both parties are willing to make some necessary changes and meet up somewhere in the middle.
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Love Requires Sacrifice
"Love requires sacrifice" is one of those Sammy Lawrence lines that hits really hard. This man has given up everything to devote his existence to the ink demon, praying he will be freed from his miserable body. But there is something about this line that is hitting me particularly hard tonight as an enjoyer of autistic Sammy interpretations (and as an autistic myself).
What if "love requires sacrifice" wasn't just about the ink demon? What if it was about Sammy? What if he thought it was a sacrifice for people to love him?
Think about it. He's so irritated when he thinks people aren't doing a good job in his department, has little patience and doesn't want anyone wasting his time. He's something of a perfectionist. He finds so many noises distracting, perhaps even overstimulating. He's annoyed by Joey's constant changing of plans and lack of communication. And who do we know of that seems to like him in canon? Susie seems to have a bit of a crush on him until she thinks he's lied to her, and Jack is his partner in crime for music, but outside of that, does he have friends? Do people communicate with him as more than a co-worker? Does he have anyone notice when he's gone? Do people simply deal with him because they have to? Or is he just another obstacle to get passed? How does all of this affect him, does he want friends? Does he feel loved enough? Or is loving him too difficult for people because of his multitude of peculiarities? Is it a sacrifice to dedicate time to trying to understand him?
That breaks my heart a little bit, because it hits kind of close to home. I've felt very unlovable and difficult for years, no matter how accommodating I try to be, no matter how much I try and change to make myself more palatable. Sometimes I feel like people are simply tolerating me and waiting for me to leave rather than genuinely wanting me around. But ironically, it's through Bendy that I've slowly learned this isn't the case. I don't think I'd ever heard someone tell me that they enjoy my company until I came into this fandom and had people talking to me. And it's not just because of the things I give like it was in other spaces. I'm valued for being me, even the messy parts. I have good ideas and cool skills, I'm fun to talk to, I tell good jokes and listen and engage, And even though I get overstimulated or have a tough time sometimes, even though I get incredibly frustrated behind closed doors, more people get it and are willing to work through it with me. They don't treat it like it's a sacrifice to love me.
In some ways, it's made me realize that I changed so much of myself to try to be someone likable, that I lost myself in the process, I became flavorless. I'm still trying to put my pieces back together, and it's something I feel like Sammy had happen too, losing himself to serve someone else. And I wish I could tell him that he is lovable, and it's not a sacrifice to love him. Are there things he could work on? Yes, it pays to be nicer to people, he could stand to be a better person. But there are many things to love about him just the way he is, and someone out there will appreciate them.
Sometimes a fictional character has something to teach you. I think, for me, autistic Sammys have been a source of comfort, knowing that someone like me can still be lovable. Like he's an asshole, he's not someone I would want to know in real life because he's a jerk to people. But gosh does he make me want to be kinder to myself.
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I wanted to make a little thing about Teen Wolf teen as the Mystery Inc. Gang and my first thought was to make Scott Scooby because wolf - dog hehe (and I'd be using Stiles, Kira, Lydia and Allison so no other werewolves) and then I realised there are maybe some Implications(TM) to having the only Latino character depicted as a dog and I decided against it.
Anyway, I wish fanfic authors were capable of putting that much thought into their stories where Scott is written out or turned into a villain for no good reason
There are indeed implications, and that's something that fanfiction writers have to come to terms with: there are always implications.
One of the worst aspects of fandom is that content creators try to exert absolute control how their work is received after it is made public. They have this in common with every artist who ever lived, so it's understandable, but it's also unachievable. The only answer I have found is to work as hard as I can to understand these implications and accommodate them into your work.
I'm not speaking from a position of moral purity. Earlier this year, I wrote a story that I thought was an exploration of Mason Hewitt's role in the Teen Wolf movie, and someone whose opinion I trust argued that I botched the implications of what I wrote in terms of racism. Things like that are going to happen, regardless of intent, and the best thing content creators can do is not only be aware of how their work will exist within a greater cultural context but be open to criticism about it. I am always willing to grapple with implications I didn't foresee, including accepting the responsibility to defend my own writing. (Including this post!)
So let's talk about your idea. Why is it precarious to emphasize the animal-like aspects of a Latino character, even if he is a werewolf? This.
History cannot be erased, and it should not be ignored.
In the history of the United States, Latinos, among other disadvantaged groups, have been likened to animals in order to impose a social order that insists that they have to submit to white control. It's not arguable whether this has happened or not. When you write a story that emphasizes the animal-like traits of a Latino character (or any similar disadvantaged group), you must grapple with the historical and cultural context.
And the Teen Wolf fandom has not only failed to do that repeatedly, they've often doubled down on the implications. Think about how many times that Scott has been portrayed in fanfiction as having issues with self-control, more than any other beta, which serves as a condemnation for his refusal to submit to a white male character (either Derek or Stiles or even Peter). This requires a change to the original story, because the writers choose to ignore that other betas have problems with self-control as the adjust to the shift, and they choose to ignore multiple instances of Scott having significant self-control, such as Magic Bullet (1x04), Heart Monitor (1x06), Shapeshifted (2x02), and Party Guessed (2x09).
Think about how many times Scott has been given animalistic traits in fanfiction that he doesn't have in the show, especially traits which serve to emphasize his inferiority, and these traits are not shared by the other werewolves? He is a voracious eater! He can't cook, or clean, or take care of himself! He is oblivious to the sophisticated emotional and social states of his white peers. He's obsessed with sexual gratification and constantly indulges in sexual behavior in public. He's an indifferent student at best, frequently requiring assistance in even basic subjects. None of these are supported even remotely by the show. As an aside, many of these are also part of the same stereotypes given to Latinos: sexually voracious, passionately aggressive, lazy, uneducated, and ruled by appetite.
Now, a possible counterargument is that the show itself sometimes emphasized the animalistic traits that Scott gained through his transformation into a werewolf. The wolf run in Seasons 1 and 2. Sticking his head out the window to get Lydia's scent in Omega (2x01). Sleeping at the foot of his mother's bed to protect her in Currents (3x07). The dog bowl scene in Lunatic (1x08).
There is an important difference. In the show the white werewolves have scenes like that as well, such as the dog whistle Deaton uses on Derek in Fury (2x10) and the fact that Isaac, too, is sleeping at the foot of the bed. But the most important part is that these instances aren't used to position Scott or anyone else as inferior because they have the traits of an animal. They're not used to impose a racially-influenced social order. Even the scene in Lunatic (which, as a caveat, I personally do not like at all) is more about Stiles than about Scott being animal-like, demonstrating that Stiles's standard tactics of good-natured bullying and cruel sarcasm are no longer appropriate for his relationship with Scott, which Stiles must confront.
So my point is, if you want to create content for a Mystery Inc. AU, I don't think that there's any reason you absolutely cannot do it, but I feel you would have to pay very close attention to HOW you create that content. Are you ignoring the historical and cultural context of your work? Are you ignoring power dynamics inherent in your choices? What's the message you're sending by your changes? While I don't see the need or even the applicability of this AU, I'm relatively confident that it could be done, as long as you don't use your intent as a shield for the finished product. Intention does not guarantee freedom from offense, a concept that fandom has had trouble with again and again.
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SOME families are forever
The thing that bothers me most in how Elder Oaks’ speaks about LGBTQ people is how casually he throws away queer people. Several times he has spoken of queer people being consigned to lower kingdoms of heaven, unable to qualify for exaltation and he does so joyfully. Queer people are automatically excluded from the Celestial Kingdom and it’s gonna be great for them.
Elder Oaks also says the Church is here for people to become exalted. In other words, queer people can’t be exalted so the Church isn’t so concerned about us and isn’t here for us. Really? A church that claims to be God’s true church is designed to exclude whole segments of God’s children?
The other thing that bothers me is when I point this out, most members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints basically shrug. They got theirs and don’t want to rock the boat and possibly wind up with us in the lower kingdoms. How does this fit with the parable of the shepherd who left the 99 to rescue the 1?
This has always been jarring to me, the idea that the Heavenly Parents who made me gay also didn’t make an accommodation for me to return to them. How is this loving or fair or hopeful? That doesn’t sound like the God I know.
According to church doctrine, the gay or trans person you love is separated from you, not for 100 years, not for 1000 years, not even for a million years, but for forever. Does this punishment really fit the crime (if it even be a crime to be queer)?
For the parents and family of LGBTQIA+ individuals, they’re okay being separated forever from these people they love? Why is it they aren’t saying, “well if that’s the case, I guess we’re all going to a lower kingdom.”
It seems most Mormons don’t have a lot of sympathy for people not included under the umbrella of eternal sealings. Too bad most queer people can’t be exalted, but it’s an acceptable cost so that others can be.
We speak as though most people, or at least most people in church, are going to be exalted and live with God in the highest levels of the Celestial Kingdom. However, that’s not true, not even for your ward. To be exalted requires a marriage of 2 people sealed together who are living up to all their covenants.
What if one spouse stops believing? Not only do they drop out from Celestial glory, but they also pull their spouse out with them. I know parents who put a lot of pressure on their children who are making choices that rob the parents of their eternal family—no empty chairs. No matter how faithful we are, how many covenants we make and keep, our salvation and eternal family is dependent on others who may let us down.
We teach, “Families are Forever,” but what we really mean is “Some Families are Forever…and it may not be yours because life is long and things happen.” We’re all on the verge of ‘not togetherness’
We use the “ideal family” as the measuring stick and if you’re family isn’t “ideal,” then you won’t be saved in the Celestial Kingdom. As long as your family fits the ideal, this seems hopeful and good. What of the convert who is the only members of their family? What of people whose children have left the church? What of those who are divorced or never married? What of people with an abusive spouse or parent?
I appreciate Chieko Okazaki’s words from her book, “Turning Hearts to the Family.”
A divorced family is not a broken family. It’s a family with a particular set of circumstances that it needs to work with.
A family with a gay child is not a failed family. It’s a family with a member who needs special love and understanding and who has love and understanding to give back.
A family with a pregnant teenager is not a dysfunctional family. It’s a family with a complex set of decisions to make.
I don’t think I’m going very far on a limb to say that I know that you either have someone in your family with at least some of these problems or this is what real families deal with the real world and they don’t stop being families
Instead of preaching the ideal family, wouldn’t it be better to talk about family ideals? Things like love, compassion, trust, responsibility, forgiveness, honesty, integrity, service, kindness, loyalty.
Families can look like a lot of things, there’s not just one configuration of people who qualify as a family. Let’s honor all families as holy, let’s recognize the good and beauty families add to the world and to the lives of those who exist within them.
Love the people in your family, have joy with them, maintain good relationships with them, that’s how we honor our family.
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Interview + Resume Guide from a Hiring Manager in Tech
Writing this because I am losing my MINDT at how BAD the entry level candidates I am getting are interviewing. I have done over 100 interviews over the last several years and this is just my experience, which is tailored for tech jobs, but most of these principles would apply to everything, I’d think. There are also some tips in there on how to make a good resume and cover letter + how to follow up on applications (yes you can do that and sometimes it DOES work… got me a job offer once!). Also if you are in the DC / Baltimore metro area, have reliable transportation, and want to break in to IT Systems Administration as a career, hmu lol
Contents:
Basic Do’s and Don’ts
Types of Interviewers
How to Control an Interview (Key Goals of an Interview)
Interview Follow-Ups (How to Write a Thank-You Email!)
Resume / Cover Letter Tips
1 - Basic Do’s and Don'ts
Do:
Be on time! 5-10 mins early is usually best for virtual interviews, 15 mins early for physical
If there are delays or issues, COMMUNICATE that to the recruiter
If virtual, test your audio / video equipment beforehand!
Please dress professionally. Clean, UNWRINKLED clothes. No anime t-shirts!!! I once interviewed a guy in a Sasuke t-shirt on his living room couch from a handheld iPhone. He did not get the job
VISIBLY TAKE NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have questions for the interviewer!!!
Feel free to reference notes you may have pre-prepared! Make a show of it. It demonstrates you can record information efficiently and can self-structure, it’s NOT cheating, it’s GOOD!
MAKE SURE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ON YOUR RESUME IN DETAIL! If it’s there, it’s there for a reason!
Thank the interviewer for their time!
SEND A THANK-YOU EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God like NOBODY does this anymore… super easy way to distinguish yourself here, seriously
Make sure you know the key requirements of the job description so you can talk about them and how you fit them!
Might be overkill, but never hurts to look up the interviewer on LinkedIn to understand their background
Research the company you are trying to work for! Don’t need an essay here, just a basic understanding of what they are about
If you have unemployment gaps, make sure you have a good story to explain them that shows you were doing something meaningful with that time
Don’t:
Don’t be late or unkempt! Please bathe…
If virtual, don’t worry about taking an interview while working – If you have to take an interview from a break room or your car, you can always spin that positively – mention how you are taking the interview while on break, and how you are excited for the opportunity and did what you could to accommodate the interviewers. We know sometimes it just be like that
If virtual, don’t have a messy background!!!! [damn bitch you live like this meme]
DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT derail a question! If there’s one thing that is just AWFUL it’s when someone asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, and you derail it to something you DO know… incredibly annoying and you WILL end up rambling
Don’t say you don’t know something and just leave it at that! It’s always okay to not know something – admit it, and say how you will fix that knowledge gap
Don’t wildly guess answers to questions! If you have to guess, say that you are doing so. There are few things as damning as guessing incorrectly with confidence
DO NOT RAMBLE! Keep your responses short and to the point!!! Don’t talk for more than 1 minute, 2 minutes straight at MAX
With that, DON’T LIE ON YOUR RESUME!!!! DO NOT! LIE! ON YOUR RESUME! DON’T! You WILL end up looking a fool. Sure you can embellish a bit, but if you put down that you know Python and all you’ve done is one class project from 3 years ago, YOU DO NOT KNOW PYTHON!
Okay admittedly an addendum to that – if you ARE going to lie on your resume, don’t go in empty-handed!!! Make sure you are prepared to bullshit!!!!!!!! Seriously there have been soooo many times I’ve asked people about impressive, top-billed resume items and the answer is ‘uhhh yea I did that like once 5 years ago’ or ‘I once shadowed a guy who did this’
If you are going to lie about a key item on your resume, you better be prepared to put in the legwork ON YOUR OWN to get up to speed on it ASAP if you are hired. Do Not Fuck Up That Part. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for stressful, miserable failure
2 - Types of Interviewers
Different people have different approaches. Some interviewers just want to see what vibes you give off, others have highly-structured interviews. Also in all honesty, a lot of interviewers might not know how to run an interview in a way that gets them the key info they need. It’s an art form. Once you understand the level of structure the interviewer is approaching the interview with, you can adapt.
You need to assess what kind of interviewer you have, and be prepared to control the interview in a way that works best with them. Have a few pre-prepared personal stories about your hobbies, working accomplishments, challenges you’ve overcome, etc. that you can easily launch in to while you’re figuring out what the interviewer is like.
3 - How to Control an Interview (Key Goals of an Interview)
Key Goals of an Interview:
Give off good vibes
Demonstrate how you fit the key requirements of the job description
Differentiate yourself from others
Do this all in a very limited amount of time
For 1, good vibes: you want to be attentive, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Ultimately a hiring manager will be looking for one HUGE thing – will you be EASY to manage? As in, do you have the skills, and the wisdom to use them, or learn them? This is why visibly taking notes is really great – shows initiative and organization. You don’t necessarily need to be a social butterfly either, but you have to at least attempt a friendly demeanor. If you are super nervous, it’s also okay to admit that! You can always spin it to say that it’s because you are just super excited about this opportunity, and want to make sure you have a good conversation that demonstrates the value you’ll bring to the role.
For 2, fitting the job: this is where knowing the job description and a background on the company helps. There are soooo many people I’ve interviewed who had essentially no plan for the interview – they are just rawdogging that call. You need to be able to toot your own horn – make sure you have talking points for the top-billed parts of the job description, and that you know what your best features are and how to explain them.
For 3, differentiating yourself: this is like your Jeopardy post-commercial quirky story. You don’t need much, just maybe one or two things that make you unique. If you look up the interviewer’s LinkedIn beforehand, you can perhaps even specifically appeal to them. Standing out is a huge challenge, because the interviewers usually have onslaughts of applicants.
For 4, time control – this is where everyone fucks up lol. You usually have 30 minutes or an hour to plead your case, and that time will FLY BY. This is where understanding your interviewer is critical.
If your interviewer is UNSTRUCTURED: you will need to take a lot more control of the interview. Your interviewer might get sidetracked talking about personal stories or one specific job topic, and will miss hearing out about how you fit others. You will need to segue to other key points in the job description – you can also be totally honest, if you are going down one rabbit hole and missing another, you can straight up ask the interviewer if you can change subjects, because you want to make sure you talk about everything in the job description in your limited time. If you are polite about this, it’s fine! The interviewer will most likely appreciate your focus and direction. Make sure you also leave time at the end to ask the interviewer questions.
If your interviewer is STRUCTURED: this is a bit easier. Follow the structure, but keep an eye on the clock – if you are nearing the final quarter of the interview and haven’t hit your key points that demonstrate why you fit the job description, it is also perfectly acceptable to ask the interviewer if you can speak about a few key things you feel are relevant to the job. Just say you want to respect their time, and would like to make sure you communicate what you can bring to the table. Don’t worry about being humble lol this is your time to shine.
4 - Interview Follow-Ups and Thank-You Emails
SEND THANK YOU EMAILS!!! SEND THANK YOU EMAILS!!!!!! SEND THANK YOU EMAILS!!!! This is not a bootlicking thing this is a cool and sexy lifehack because seriously, no one does this anymore. You WILL stand out if you do so. Writing a thank-you email is exceptionally easy too. I always follow the motto “Too Short To Suck” – keep it very simple:
Subject Line: Include A Thank You and The Name of the Role
Hello [Interviewer(s)],
Thank them for their time and talking with you about the job. Include ONE sentence (okay, maybe two short ones) about why you are excited for this opportunity, because of XYZ thing you have that adds value to the role. Final sentence re-iterating your excitement for the role, and that you look forward to hearing back soon.
Signature
Example:
Subject: Thanks for Talking About The Tech Analyst Role at Company Inc.!
Hello Interviewer(s),
Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today about the Tech Analyst Role with Company Inc! It was a pleasure talking, and after learning more about the job, I am quite excited for this opportunity, as I know my organizational skills and experience with Microsoft Azure will provide a good framework for me to grow and contribute to Company Inc’s success. I am looking forward to hearing back soon, and thanks in advance for your time and consideration.
Thank you,
Tumblr User Randam Hajile
FOR FOLLOW UPS: if a week goes by without hearing back, feel free to email the recruiters / interviewers again and politely ask for an update on your application. If they don’t respond after that, unless it’s a job you REALLY REALLY REALLY want and think you are a shoe-in for, it may not be worth it to bother them again. Give it another week or two and then send a second email for an update.
If several months+ have passed and it’s still a place you really would like to work for, you can also email those contacts again asking if any new roles have opened. You have to understand that these recruiters are going through massive piles of same-looking profiles in SmartRecruiters or something like that, so having anything to differentiate is helpful.
ALSO – HOT APPLICATION TIP !!!!!!! if you send out an application and hear NOTHING back, but it’s a place you really want to work for, here’s an awesome tip that actually legit led to me getting a job offer recently: crawl the company website to find a PR or HR email address, and send a polite email mentioning you applied for [specific role], and that you would like to know if they are still hiring for it or any similar roles, as you have not heard back and are still highly interested in working for the company. Chances are they can get in touch with Recruiting to forward your inquiry.
5 - Resume / Cover Letter Tips
RESUMES: For the love of God, put some effort in to your resume. Do NOT use the default resume that Indeed or LinkedIn pisses out for you… I hate that so much. Maybe that’s just a me-thing, but I honestly think those don’t present your information very well.
The secret to writing resumes is that there really isn’t a secret – there’s no MLA format or one-size-fits-all template that works. You need to put some thought in to it to understand what you are trying to communicate, and here are some tips to do so:
Save it as a PDF!!!! This way you can be 100% sure it formats correctly when opened by the recruiter / interviewer
Format it correctly!!! Make sure there are no sloppy mistakes
I can’t believe I have to say this, but please, please have a professional-looking email address. [email protected] won’t get you hired
Add some class with a nice template. Find something a little snappy looking – anything other than a wall of barebones Calibri font
If you are artistically inclined, have some fun with it. My resume and cover letter are obnoxiously 1970s themed as a statement piece about myself, plus it stands out in an ocean of samey-looking resumes lol. Where’s that Jack Sparrow meme where he’s like ‘but you HAVE heard of me’ – that’s my principle, people will either love it or hate it, but they WILL remember it
Include your LinkedIn URL at the top of the page with your basic contact info! Also, have a nice LinkedIn page!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t put your home address on it. You can just say like “DC Metro Area” or something like that
Unless you have impressive references, or are working in an industry like Security where you know you’re going to get background-checked, just say ‘references available upon request’ at the bottom, and have those at the ready just in case
It doesn’t have to be one page! It can be up to two – if printing it physically, you can have a nice two-sided cardstock resume, but make sure the most key things are on the first page
If a cover letter isn’t requested, you can use that second resume page to include more detailed info that a cover letter would have
Use nice paper to print the resume – sturdy cardstock, and have multiple copies available to give
Remember you are trying to communicate what you can do, so get creative with presenting that efficiently – as an example, when I was a Sys Admin, I broke up my resume Skills section in to a 2x2 table that lists “Knowledgeable in the Use Of” and “Advanced Knowledge Of”, that way I could include skills I had without lying about my proficiency and bungling questions about them
Unless you are fresh out of college, don’t list coursework in college or high school clubs on your resume. You’re 30 years old. It’s embarrassing to list your Computer Club experience from High School. That could be a fun talking point, not something that takes up precious resume space
Include a mission statement at the top underneath your contact info – something simple like “Results-Oriented Technician Seeking New Challenges”; just something to summarize your best vibes
If you really, really, really want a job at a certain place, you can try tweaking some phrasing in your Skills or Experience sections to match keywords in the job description – that way AI will be more likely to highlight your resume for the recruiter, if they are using AI tooling (ugh)
COVER LETTERS: honestly there are better guides out there than I can give here, but basically you can create a generic cover letter where you only need to change out a few sentences to cater to the employer you are applying to. Keep it one page, and try to include keywords / terms from the job description in it – a lot of these recruiters use AI to sort through resumes / cover letters and want to find ones that match the job description. Similarly to a lot of the prior advice, you need to make sure you hit your key points about your best traits, relevant experience, and work ethic, and why you are excited to work for whoever you are applying to, and how these traits relate to that.
I’m honestly not sure how many recruiters even read cover letters these days and how many of them just use them as AI fodder to help sort candidates… the positions I typically hire for don’t require cover letters so my experience here is a bit limited, but as mentioned, there’s lots of guides online on how to create a good cover letter, so do some Googling. They worked for me, at least.
Anyway… hope that helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go forth and get hired…
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FEH Julius x Reader Trauma and Disability Headcanons (Married)
“Julius put a ring on your finger and now you’re married! However, your marriage is a little bit different than others because you both have a long history of trauma and somehow, you have to learn how to take care of one another.”
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- Sleeping in the same bed for the first time? It’s awkward and uncomfortable, so it will take some getting used to how restless Julius is and the accommodations you require to sleep well.
- If you have mobility issues, Julius makes sure you’re not just stuck inside all day. He will order his aids to take care of you when he is gone, and when he is there, he will help you outside himself and try very hard to keep you entertained.
- Julius has low self esteem and anxiety, so he is always overcompensating. He will brag about all the benefits you will gain by being married to him, but he will also lose his confidence very quickly when he starts to believe he can’t really give you anything of value after all.
- Any disability you have, Julius is patient with you and he never gets angry at you for having trouble with things and needing extra help. He does get jealous if he starts to believe you are enjoying someone else’s company more than his.
- If you also struggle with anxiety, Julius will reassure you any problems you have he will destroy completely with his unlimited power. If that doesn’t work, he will read a book to you to help you relax.
- Julius isn’t used to affection, but he enjoys learning how to express his feelings with you. He loves you because he doesn’t have to keep up an image of superiority with you.
- If you are blind and you cannot see, Julius will surely bring you flowers often and describe what they look like to you. He loves watching you feel things and interpret them through your senses and he asks questions to learn more about how you experience the world.
- If you are deaf and you cannot hear, Julius will learn how to communicate in sign language. He will sign entire books for you because he wants to share his world with you.
- If you have epilepsy or you have seizures for any reason, Julius will always be consulting doctors and wizards for anything that will make you more comfortable. If you are ever in pain or in distress, he becomes angry and frustrated that there isn’t more doctors can do.
- Julius always has time to listen to your stories about the past. He knows people have hurt you a lot before, so he does make an extra effort to be nice to you and give you what you want.
- Julius will have everyone who abused you killed.
- If you are ever doubtful you are good enough for him and you believe you are too ugly, Julius will get angry because he loves every part of you. He loves what you look like and what you sound like and the fact anyone made you believe you are worthless makes him feel homicidal.
- If you are having a mental breakdown or you become suicidal, Julius will never abandon you. He is right there by your side talking to you and trying to get through to you. He won’t do this to hurt you, but if you’re very distressed, he will randomly start kissing you aggressively just to show you how much he loves you. He will stop if you tell him to.
- Julius kills people, but even he understands boundaries and consent. He will never force you to do anything because he loves you very much.
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✨If you are a child and you are in danger of being harmed or you know a child, call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 24/7 (1-800) 4-A-Child or (1-800) 422-4453
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#Fire Emblem#Fire Emblem Heroes#FEH#Fire Emblem Three Houses#Fire Emblem Engage#FE Julius#Julius x Reader#FE x Reader#Fire Emblem x Reader#FE Headcanons#Fire Emblem Headcanons#Fire Emblem Fanfiction#FE Fanfiction#Fanfiction#Fanfic#Super Smash Bros#Nintendo#Disability#Autism#Blind#Deaf#Depression#Anxiety#General Anxiety Disorder#BPD#SFW
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I think people don't realize how alienating it is when you have to use a mobility device to go places and the place is inaccessible. When people say "sorry, but you can't come in here. There's no room for your wheelchair" because the room is packed with things (like an antique store where they don't want you bumping into fragile items). You technically don't NEED to go into that room yes, but it's just another way we are alienated from everyone else.
For someone who cannot stand and/or move unassisted, this is so much more infuriating. How can people be so okay with denying access to a portion of the public based solely upon things they can't control? And they are allowed to get away with it under the excuse of "historical property" or "we are just a widdle small business we can't afford a wheelchair ramp :(" I hate having to check Google to see if a place is accessible, to have to call ahead because Google is only right half the time. I've reported many places to the ADA but Ive never heard back about them.
If you can't afford accommodating everyone, you shouldn't be starting a business. Just like how if you can't afford to pay your employees a living wage you shouldn't be starting one. Accessibility should be part of the budget just as much as electrical and plumbing. It shouldn't be put into the amenities section.
As an ambulatory user, I can technically go inside without my wheelchair, but it feels like I'm being forced to give up a piece of myself, like a leg or an arm. I feel like I'm being forced to endure the pain my wheelchair alleviates just to eat at a restaurant or look at some pretty antiques. I wonder what would happen if I couldn't move without my wheelchair (what will probably happen in a decade or so). Will I no longer be able to have these experiences? I feel angry for the people who currently have to deal with being denied entry.
It's further infuriating when my wheelchair use is treated as something I do for extra comfort, like it's a pair of slippers or a massage chair. Something that adds extra comfort, not something vital to it.
I've been asked by my friends "can't you just walk this time? It would save so much time. I don't want to have to walk all the way around just to find a ramp. Just get up and we will carry your wheelchair over the bump/stairs/obstacle" they've seen me walk on good days. They see me able to lift my chair into my car (something I have to save energy for and that is extremely painful). Even though they have seen my bad days, it's like they are overshadowed by the days I'm able to fake being okay.
People see accessibility as a nice thing to have, not something that is required.
For people like me who can get by without it on good days, people treat me as stubborn or selfish when I refuse to stand up or am taking up space. My parents are confused why I take my wheelchair onto the bus when I could just fold it up and sit ""normally"".
I just wish people would understand that it's no one's decision but mine when I decide to use my wheelchair vs walk. That they have no right to pressure me. But I'm treated like I'm the selfish one. And people wonder why I don't ask for help. Because then I'm not in control anymore. People can decide to stop pushing me up a steep hill if they get tired and then ask if I can walk the rest of the way. Which I will have to do because I can't wheel myself up the steep hill. Or I'll just go back down and find a different way to get up the hill. Which of course pisses them off because "all their work was for nothing".
Idk if this post is just coming off as me rambling or venting, but I'm just so tired of being treated like this. Only helped when it's convenient. Only respected when it's convenient. I deserve to at least be respected and I deserve accessibility even if it isn't convenient, cheap, or #aesthetic. And everyone of all support needs do too.
#wheelchair#ambulatory wheelchair user#mobility device#inaccessibility#ableism#this is my experience as an ambulatory user any non-ambulatory users please add on!!#abled people dont clown#Im not talking about historic lighthouses and tiny churches that obviously cant support an elevator#im talking restaurants from the 1920s whining about how hard it is to put a small ramp over one of their many doors front staircases#like it would be SO EASY to just get one of those portable ramps#im so happy about parks putting in those wheelchairs with the tank wheels#like free to use!!!#i want everyone to be able to experience nature and hiking and see cool stuff outdoors!!!!
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Chronic Illness Tip:
If you say that another doctors office or hospital department was able to accommodate you, suddenly whoever is putting a roadblock up will become much more amenable to figuring out how to accommodate you.
Sample script:
Me: “I’m not able to drive, can we do this appointment by telehealth?”
Front desk: “No, all new patient visits have to be in person to establish rapport”
Me: “The neurology department was able to accommodate me and said that any of the departments in the hospital should be able to work with me.”
Front desk: “It’s policy that you have to come in the first time.”
Me: “I understand, and I know you don’t set policy. Would you mind asking the doctor directly if he can accommodate me? I really don’t want to have to reschedule again for something that I have already been waiting on for six months”
This has worked for me very well! The front desk doesn’t have the power to say yes, but asking them to ask the doctor and using the magical word “accommodate” and mentioning that another specialist has done it has gotten good results. It does require some persistence, and being able to call (or have someone call) on the telephone. I usually call ten days in advance of my appointment, one week later and then the day or two before. Sometimes I only need to call once. But I always wait until the appointment is fairly close (don’t do this when you book!!!) and give myself enough time to be able to follow up several times.
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This came from me wanting to make sense of the fact that I seem to be coming across "casual" "connections" constantly, where I'm putting a lot of work (I give what I would like to receive) and actually prioritizing it (because relationships are important to my wellbeing), and it's driving me insane.
What leaves a even bitter aftertaste is that fact that I seem to be the one that has to fold if I want to keep connected.
For example, friendship decay is a common issue for people who have ADHD, because object permanence is a symptom. Reading about their stories, many do not experience decay themselves but their relationships suffer tremendously because the maintenance is one-sided. They need to rely on the other person being able to either accommodate them or they need to have a connection with someone who doesn't experience decay either.
For example, people with all kinds of chronic illnesses, experiencing relationship decay because they cannot, physically or emotionally, handle so much maintenance for so many different things, people and places. So they also need to rely on being accommodated and maybe find like-minded people.
For example, people with whatever mental disorders that cause them to have difficulties in maintaining their relationships, thus leading to decay, and, once more, these are also people that might need to rely on accommodating peers and/or find others like them.
I could give examples all day long, really.
From these 3, I deal with 2 of them (I don't have ADHD) and I do try to go out of my way to be accommodating of other people's struggles while dealing with my own (and the hardships these struggles impose, in regards to relationships in general).
But that gets exhausting really fast...
I'm aware of my many limitations and I try to be very clear about them, always. I don't take my connections for granted and I try to put an effort to keep them alive (even if it's something as simple as sending a meme to friend, because it reminded me of them), and it's as depressing as it's infuriating when I'm just....... wasting energy really.
The reciprocity isn't there.
I used to have lots of expectations but now I just kind of hope they will at least reply and not take 3 months or something. Am I being a bother? Okay, I'll leave you alone. I'm trying here, and I don't really see you trying. At. All. But what do I know, right? You're busy, maybe tired too, maybe life's been really stressful, maybe you could even be dealing with illnesses, it could be a million different things and even a mix of these things...
... I still don't feel like I have a place in your life when it seems like I'm the only one trying.
It frustrates me so much, it brings me to tears when I start mirroring their efforts - by responding and interacting just as much as they do, for example - and the connections die. Understandably so, they were not doing much to start with. Or maybe they did at some point but the brunt of doing the maintenance ended up falling on my back, and that's heavy. It really is.
I have always seen that phrase that says something about "don't wait for them, if you want to see or talk to them, just do it" or "they don't have to text you back, if you wanna talk to them, you can just talk" or anything along these lines because it completely overlooks reciprocity.
Sometimes, you're the only one who wants to talk to them. Sometimes they do not have the emotional or physical capacity to match your energy or even to maintain the connection. You can do your best to be accommodating and understanding but that will become a problem sooner or later, because relationships require maintenance from both parts.
This feels tenfold now that I'm actively putting on the work and trying to improve myself and my relationships with other people. I'm much less tolerant of unequal connections and one-sided things, and I can identify these very early on, with how people show up to me.
The problem isn't that I'm asking for too much or doing too much, I'm only asking for what I can give, and I do as much as I can; the problem isn't that I have too high of expectations, again, I'm not doing anything I can't do myself so it's only fair to expect it, isn't it? The problem isn't that I'm wishing for something impossible either, because there are deep, fulfilling relationship between people that are long-lasting and healthy, this is not something out of a fiction book (I know because I am one of those people working towards exactly that).
I feel like saying the problem is other people is almost like a scapegoat for my own responsibilities and my own part on these issues - after all, the "common denominator" in my relationship problems is myself...
...just that now, the way I see this, is more like: yes, indeed I am the common denominator in those struggles and that has a lot to do with me being unwilling to accept subpar treatment, me being unwilling to lower my standards, me being unwilling to keep a bunch of crappy connections in my life that will drain my energy and waste my time, and so on...
Oh, but doesn't that sounds like I'm looking down on people, talking with such massive ego and a sense of superiority?
Maybe! I don't really care either way!
In the end of the day, I try and show up how I want others to show up with me. They don't. I go and mirror their "efforts," it kills the relationship. Big deal, right?
I don't think I'm better than anyone when I state that I deserve better relationships and fulfilling connections. I don't think me trying to put out in the world what I want to receive for my own sake and because I care about someone, is coming from a place of feeling morally superior.
I don't want to be in unequal relationships, I want to be in reciprocal relationships, that are mutually good for me and for the other person. It wouldn't make any sense for me to be looking down on others or feeling like I'm so much better than them.
This is why I walk away and don't waste mine or anyone's time. I'm not here to judge anyway, I have no right to do that. I'm not without flaws, obviously, and so is everyone.
Hopefully, this gives me enough space (and energy, and time) to dedicate to possible better relationships, with people who will be better fits for me and for my needs. This is not a wrong or bad desire to have in my eyes.
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“But like once or a couple times now (i block this stuff from my memory as much as i could) I came running back to your blog to see more of your work but got physically uncomfortable while reading an anon's request that heavily genders the reader (female, irc). I skipped the fic entirely even though it was labeled as GN because it made no sense to me why someone would request something common so left field (fem/ fem dom reader) in a niche corner of GN neutral fics. “
Sub writings in general are very niche it’s not just like it’s GN issue specifically. And also: (i block this stuff from my memory as much as i could) does reading stuff that isn’t GN like trigger you 💀 like yes some of us aren’t androgynous dinosaurs some of are feminine and have female parts. Not only cisgender people but also people with different gender “identities” can still be Gn and read fem reader because that’s their sex.If you lack the imagination to input your own preferences why is it the responsibility or requirement of the writer to accommodate? There are so many fics on here that are GN. That’s why we try to put in words like she and her is writing request because being a dominate woman in the real world is actually so much more uncommon.
also very understandable. as a writer it's my own job to make sure i tag my works correctly!
if there was something specific you wanted please make sure to include it in your request!
if there's something you 100% don't want to see then please filter the tags.
i'm sure everyone here is willing to make this a safe space for anyone who loves the degenerate yandere boy :)
i've seen that some other creators here have been having discussions surrounding this as well so this will be my last post addressing this topic as i find that I've made it clear to everyone where this blog stands :)
we both walk on the same street even if we're going different ways, so please don't neglect that you also have a hand in responsibility!
keep safe anons!
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The Dark Secret of Zootopia? (Part 2, "Work twice as hard for half as much!")
Welcome back! We're still talking about how Zootopia swung for the fences with its racism metaphor and probably didn't manage much more than hitting itself in the face! We've already talked about how hard it is to get people to unpack their own biases. Today's subject is the bunny who thought "standing up for the little guy" meant becoming a cop.
(Oh, Judy, hon, no. I know you're a bit sheltered and conservative, and your family seems to be doing some kinda culty Quiverfull thing, but no.)
To understand how this movie - which started out as a dark dystopia where every predator wore systemic oppression around their neck - missed the target so badly with Judy's story, we gotta look at something else that was still going strong in 2016, when Zootopia came out.
If you need to see more on how the myth of Black excellence applies to President Drone Strikes O'Flint Water specifically, F. D. Signifier has an informative series of videos on the subject. Among other things, the idea of "Black excellence" suggests that systemic oppression can (and should) be fought on an individual basis. To do so, one must expect to "work twice as hard to get half as much." This isn't parsed as something unfair that needs to be changed, but just a fact of life that you'll have to deal with to get anywhere.
...And once you've achieved your dreams, you've proven it can be done! If someone wants this badly enough, they can do it. Period. So nobody else has an excuse for not grinding themselves into a paste to tackle the same unfair system you've beaten. (Assuming you wanted it badly enough to beat that system yourself.)
People who are learning a physically and mentally demanding new job don't need to, like, sleep, do they? Sleep is a luxury for those privileged folks we expect to be good cops. Not for a tiny prey species who needs to prove she can make it in the big city and take out animals ten times her size in all terrains, just so they can shunt her into meter maid duty because they never wanted her in the first place.
A troper notes (on the Heartwarming moments page, because people have a real hard time unpacking their biases, especially when they see them as a metaphor with plausible deniability)
Ha-ha, yeah. They knew they were getting a bunny cop and they knew exactly where they wanted to put her. Well, she can't do too much damage as a meter maid!
"All right, we're getting an obvious political 'affirmative action' hire in a few weeks. Will someone requisition me the most ridiculous car on the continent, so we can quietly fire her and get back to doing real work?"
Meanwhile:
"Oh, your coworker slammed your ears in the door of a vehicle that's ten times too big to be safe for you? That sounds like a YOU problem. You're DEAD, Carrot Cake!"
"You're dead, Carrot Cake" is from the actual film. Let's remove the cartoon metaphor and take a look at that. Species = race, broadly. So if Judy were the only Latinx police recruit, how cute and funny would it be to call her, "Pinto Bean"? And there are even worse possible contexts! How does "You're dead, Watermelon" sound to you? Should a Black recruit be required to shake that off and keep training, or should somebody at least complain to HR? (Is that "AR" in this context...?)
"Yes, sir, I did force the bunny recruit to box a rhinoceros and then yell at her for incurring evident head trauma, but, ya see, when she figured out how to scale a wall of solid ice with no accommodations for her size, I smiled approvingly!"
"...So we're good, right?"
This is all played utterly straight. This is a full-on Rocky Balboa training montage, with the polar bear teacher as Burgess Meredith. The transitions are fast, and we don't slow down long enough to consider Judy's feelings until she's starting her new job and she politely asks Clawhauser not to call her "cute."
We don't turn around and examine the fact that her polar bear teacher was hammering the "cute" button pretty hard too, and Judy never spoke up and asked to be respected. One doesn't, as a rule, talk back to an antagonist who can invalidate one out of one's dream job, so that's reasonable behavior from Miss Hopps. But the movie doesn't have time to hammer home that context. No, you see, Judy wasn't very good at policing, and the polar bear was a tough-but-fair mentor who was obviously rooting for her the whole time (that smile!) and motivated her to do better. Now, back to the plot!
The one moment we pause and showcase how broken Judy is by her unfair treatment is in the bathroom...
And it's for a gag. (And foreshadowing a later toilet escape.) Ha-ha, the polar bear teacher is there to remind her that not being able to use a swimming-pool-sized toilet is a YOU problem too. My god, we don't even get one of these white saviour moments!
"Everyone pees the same size!"
Just, "Filthy toilet! You're dead!" If you wanna be a cop, you better learn to piss while crouched on the edge of an above-ground pool, 'cos we're not even gonna offer you a toilet seat in your size. And, no, we will not address how unfair that is!
There are people existing in real-life who get frozen out of certain careers because the equipment doesn't come in their size. (There's a Guardian article in there and they don't always cover gender in good faith, but there are a bunch of in-line citations in it. Just tread carefully.) In most cases, we call them "women." And when their lives are being put at risk and their jobs being made impossible, we also tell them to "girl boss" up and do it anyway. These jobs have certain physical requirements (even if that requirement is something artificial and totally nonsensical like "have hands in glove size medium or larger, 'cos we ain't got any small") and you'll have to meet them somehow!
I gotta tell you folks, police work is mostly clerical work, and when they do get into a physical altercation, they do not fight fair.
Do you need a citation for that? You're living on the same planet I am, and you are on the internet right now. If you don't buy that a police officer in an altercation with a rhino wouldn't be engaging on level ground with Marquis of Queensbury fighting rules, I can't convince you.
In real life, Judy would have a nightstick, a gun, a taser (which she could conveniently get mixed up with the aforementioned gun), a non-comical car, and backup. In fact, her fellow cop yells at her not to continue a pursuit on foot and to wait for backup when she goes after Weaselton and his "moldy onions."
"Also, you're entering what appears to be a sized-based ghetto with its own police force! WTF, Officer Hopps?!"
Nick Angel isn't the standard to which all cops should aspire, he's a bit of an arsehole who needs to learn how to switch off.
(Also, if you see someone shoplifting food... no you fucking well didn't. Bad form, Nick.)
The only point to making Judy jump through all those hoops for the privilege of writing parking tickets is to get her to quit. Assigning her meter maid duty, and then putting her on an investigation when she can't even get license plate information out of the computers (and giving her 48 hours to solve a case that's been ongoing for months!) is also meant to get her to quit. Nick doesn't come from a bunny-majority town...
(Seriously, there is some cult-like activity going on here. There are bunny parents in the city with only one kid, this does not seem normal in-universe.)
...and he's more used to being marginalized, so he sees it right away. He calls out Bogo's bullshit and gets more time for Judy to complete an unreasonable task - and she pulls it off. Even the shitty chief who was trying to get her fired has to sit up and respect her after that!
"Wow, I'm impressed!"
Ultimately, that's the problem. But that's where our collective American brain was when this movie was being made.
We had a solid eight years there where we thought racism was over because we finally had a Black President. We also had a constant, low-grade anxiety about all the indications that this was clearly not the case, but we were able to ignore them. It seemed kinda rude to do anything other than ignore them. Obama worked so hard, and so many people were still trying to hold him to an unfair standard. Couldn't we just let him do a few war crimes like every other American President?
We could and we did, but then we had a racist backlash that made Obama's worst excesses look like a walk in the park. And many (not anywhere near all) of us have been motivated to unpack how broken the system is, and look at the past a little more critically.
But in early 2016? No way! We had a Black guy in the White House, and we were gonna get a WOMAN in the White House (for sure!) and everything was gonna be fine. Oh, thank goodness those rugged individuals were able to smash through the glass ceiling, so it would stay broken forever. That's what glass does! It was a good, simple optimistic story - like Hamilton!
...and something obvious and easy to fall back on when the Nick-centred, darker story didn't seem to be working out. Racism is real (and that's hard enough for the audience to grasp, so let's back off a little), but a few determined individuals can fix it for everyone. All you have to do is keep Trying! You can Try Everything! You might fall down (or be pushed, or have your body parts slammed in a car door) but you can get back up and win!
Even in the dark version, in the end, Nick and Judy get rid of the "tame" collars. I posit that the only reason Disney felt safe making a movie about racism in the first place was that at the time, we honestly thought racism could be solved - and we're solving it right now! Quick! Animate that message with funny animals so we can tell the kids!
We don't need to see Nick training to be a cop! I'm sure it's fine. Judy took out the bias ahead of him. Hilary won't have any trouble getting into the White House. It's fine now. It's FINE.
Months later, we got a big, orange clue-by-four that was impossible to ignore, but Zootopia was already on its way to a video release in time for Christmas. Its hope and optimism stands cluelessly to this day. And if you're not ready to think about racism as a complex, systemic issue (or at ALL) it won't make you.
So! Do you want more on this? "Like" and reblog if you want more, 'cos I can give you way more. Next time, if you want, we can talk about this stuff:
(WTFox?!)
...and the good and bad of how the narrative dealt with it.
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Love is leaving a light on for the other late at night when the day has taken longer than expected
Love is making favorite foods, no matter how unhealthy to help make some part of the day enjoyable
Love is freshly brewed tea and blankets when it's rained and it has done nothing but dampen several hard hours
Love is helping to put a jacket on, tying shoes and packing there bags so they can feel confident leaving the house
Love is turning off the TV and putting on the fireplace, letting silence replace the senseless noise and the warmth break the cold depression of pain
Love is sitting at there side when they can't speak, questions can wait, its your hand they need to hold until they feel stable again.
Love is surprising them with the little things in life just so they can be reminded of what they love again
Love is holding your tounge because you've been through enough already to let an argument crack your resolve, showing maturity by not shouting and listening to them not just saying your own piece.
Love is opening the dusting boxes holding pictures of the past and being able to help pack away the bad memories with the ones you wish to make
Love is learning each other's limits, accepting and preparing, helping to break them when asked and being there to support when they struggle to test them.
Love is being brave and asking the hard questions. Asking the awkward, the embarrassing, the painful, the sad, the funny, wanting to learn everything you possibly can to make the relationship work.
Love is understanding fear. Listening to them. Talking about them. Supporting the idea of conquering them without pressure to do so.
Love is driving out in in a storm to be at there side because they can't be without you any longer.
Love is talking about change. Understanding the fear of it or the need for it. Taking steps together to create changes to make life easier for each other.
Love is compromise. Making difficult decisions to make something work might require letting something else go. It requires discussion and maturity, planning and thought how to gain something your both happy with.
Love is seeing beauty in anothers scars. The stories are never easy and the scars may never heal but being able to see past damage to admire the soul behind.
Love is in how we touch. Physical connection is as important as the emotional one and it's important to keep a sense of safety and comfort in the physical connection that doesn't require sexual advance.
Love is a song on the radio that makes you think of them. Makes you visualize memories good and bad, makes you want the song on replay because it puts you in a place your happy to be.
Love is seeking passion in the dark. Feeling free when naked and finding pleasure in submission to each other.
Love is offering and listening to advice in hard times. You may have grown to think you know what to do, but having someones voice to trust when they offer an opinion can mean the world of difference when lines are thin and time is short.
Love is hearing there name and feeling your heart race. Feeling a warmth and excitement every time you say it.
Love is those quiet moments where you can do nothing but stare. Mind racing but it can't settle on anything but them. Getting caught looking and being unable to look away.
Love is finding them on your mind at the weirdest times of day. Shopping. Showering. Collecting a parcel. You wonder about there wellness and how they are when there not with you.
Love is making sure plans include each others routines. Making sure you can support each other on certain days and being prepared to swap things about to accommodate sudden changes when life chooses to test you.
Love is being one. Treating the other half as if they were a part of you and making sure they feeling as happy or comfortable as you physically and mentally is not always easy but it becomes a proof of loyalty and respect for years to come.
#mr007pennyworth#bvs verse (irons)#dontcxckitup#ship; alf x gareth#brokenthimbles#ship; alf x wendy#queued and dangerous
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