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#our mans garrus said the same shit to femshep!!!
strigital · 3 months
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just... him... 🥺
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nulfaga · 4 years
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Super curious- if you don’t wanna answer obviously ignore this- but how would you rewrite Jacob’s romance like in broad strokes? I really liked him but never played through it and went and watched it and JFC you were right :( awful
it’s just not good at all is it :(( i was in the same situation as you, i like jacob a lot and i hadn’t seen the romance but i’d heard bad things and...ugh it lived up to my every awful expectation
(JESUS THIS GOT SO LONG)
i think the biggest thing i’d change is just how COLD he seems throughout the entire romance? when you meet him in me3, brynn has to tell you that jacob (still) loves you. she has to tell you, because at NO point in either me2 or me3 do we receive any evidence of that. there’s even that line where jacob “playfully” refuses to say ‘i love you’ back to femshep (”not if you’re fishing for it”) but like. that sort of ribbing falls completely flat if there isn’t an undercurrent of affection and appreciation. which there isn’t, with jacob.
he’s pretty much pushing back against femshep’s advances from the get go, insisting that he wants things to stay professional, and when femshep pushes and pushes him, he concedes that he’d like a relationship with her as long as it stays casual, ie no stakes. there are other romances that do this to a certain extent (garrus being a little iffy about shaking the sheets with a human, thane being...a dying man) but having worked past these initial bumps, both of them are strongly and consistently interested in shepard. there seems to have been no effort to make that transition happen with jacob. he keeps her at arm’s length (i’d argue it’s actually more like he’s beating her away with a broomstick) and if not for brynn’s line about “he still loves you”, we would have absolutely no reason to believe that shepard meant anything to him.
but having said all that, let me start over. i think rewriting jacob’s romance in a satisfactory (and non-racist) way would require almost rebuilding his character from the ground up. he has a few solid character beats - wanting a family and being good with kids (see me: foundation and his scene in the citadel dlc); having left the alliance in order to ‘make a difference’ without the red tape (similar to garrus’ reasons for leaving c-sec); having done some pretty heroic shit ie. saving the entire citadel from a batarian bioweapon and having received no recognition for it whatsoever; BEING A SHAMELESS ROMANTIC (his plan to propose to brynn where he wants to take her on a picnic under the cherry blossoms before popping the question???)
- as well as a few elements of his backstory that definitely should have come up more in dialogue: his longstanding relationship/friendship with miranda; his frustration at the way commander shepard was ignored by the council and her efforts for humanity quickly forgotten
so that’s the stuff i like/i think has potential. as far as the glaring problems...
1) like i said, his coldness - the way he will absolutely shut down if you try to get him to open up to you. that’s fine at first, but what a missed opportunity for a romance arc where he allows himself to be vulnerable around you. instead he remains a brick wall for the entire time you know him
2) everything involving ronald. WHY would they waste dave fennoy like that. bioware said “let’s give our only black squadmate a deadbeat dad. not only that, let’s make the deadbeat dad the leader of a backwater sex cult”. ok.
3) the lack of reciprocity in the relationship. maybe this is a rehash of point 1, but watching the romance back it just gets to me how jacob never initiates a single...like..thing...ever...he doesn’t ask how you’re doing after tough missions, he doesn’t get you gifts, you never get a single word of affirmation. there’s those lines “when you look at me, you’ll know how i feel about you. i don’t think i could hide it at this point” and “i won’t have to say it. you’ll feel it in everything i do”....which i think are genuinely very sweet, except that there’s nothing whatsoever backing them up. we keep getting lip service about how much he cares, but nothing to demonstrate it. shepard will just have to learn telepathy i guess
4) do i need to say it? the fact that out of every romanceable squad member across three games, he is the ONLY one who will actively cheat on you (under certain definitions of the word), and not only that, he will be expecting a baby with brynn. and he will tell you about the beautiful proposal he has planned for her. and brynn will want to name the baby after you. every planet has aligned, all the fates are spitting in your face for ever being a big enough idiot to romance jacob taylor. it feels like punishment on the part of the writers and there’s absolutely NO need for it. not to mention that since jacob IS the only black squad member in the trilogy, him being the only one to step out sends a VERY pointed message.
so - like you said, in broad strokes - how i’d plot out the romance is probably something like this
I. you meet jacob on the station; not much is different. he’s mostly concerned that shep is up and walking around before she should be, tries to be as reassuring as possible given that this woman barely knows where she is or what’s happening. nothing really divergent from canon yet
II. shepard’s first few visits to him in the armory are pretty much just preamble; he’s convinced she’s only really doing status checks on her crew out of a sense of duty, so he’s cordial, but distant. he starts to ask shepard about her personal history (whether that’s akuze, mindoir or the skyllian blitz); admits it’s weird being around her in person after knowing her from vids and headlines. he’s not comfortable talking very much about himself at this point
III. eventually he starts to tell shep about his time as a corsair (essentially a black ops unit for the alliance) and the mess on the citadel with the batarian bioweapon; she can react with admiration, say something like he should be famous in his own right! and he’ll shoot her a half-smile, “i’m good, shepard. i don’t want to see my face on any alliance recruitment posters anytime soon. but thank you.”
IV. i think it’s still appropriate for shepard to be the one to eventually express interest, given that jacob is on his guard re: the whole cerberus thing, and her being his CO - and he could still prefer to take it slow, offer to go out for drinks, but i think it works better if he responds with more enthusiasm, instead of acting like he’s signing on for a tedious mission.
V. i want a lighthearted scene of jacob and shepard actually getting drinks on the citadel, or even just in that weird little bar on the ship, and to learn something about him. not his service record. something silly like he really vibes w this obscure asari country-dubstep fusion band fuck if i know, or he secretly sings, or he misses having real food on board because he loves baking, like. SOMETHING. shepard has the option to confess something equally ridiculous back to him like... she ate an entire thing of elmers glue at age 8 and liked it. i just. cannot stress how badly the jacob romance is lacking for silliness.
VI. his loyalty mission - yeah his dad can come along for the ride but ronald taylor is not a runaway father and he most ASSUREDLY is not the leader of a sex cult, he’s just like. a dad. done. but idfk, i think the conflict itself should be something that deeply affects him, like they attempted in the game, but no weird sex cult nonsense. idk. maybe he has an old L2 biotic friend who committed suicide after the whole debacle about reparations for L2s? i know theres more than enough biotic angst in this series already im just spitballing. but it’s not a loyalty mission if it doesn’t give the character something to brood about and lay the foundation for a juicy dialogue tree back on the ship
VII. when you come back to the normandy, jacob is obviously upset (and i think he’s allowed to show it; idk why they had him be so emotionally repressed when they had adam lazarre white who is more than capable of handling whatever angsty lines they might have written), and a romanced shepard/one with high approval has the option to hug him. please let me hug him bioware.
VII. the next time shep comes to the armory he doesn’t say a word. he stops what he’s doing, crosses his arms and looks at her with that same inscrutable half-smile. obviously shepard is like, “...what?” and he chuckles to himself. “i spent two years guarding you while cerberus rebuilt you - sometimes i forget what a goddamn miracle it is that you’re walking and talking and laughing.” and then he’s not smiling anymore. “...and i think of how much it matters to me that you keep walking, and talking, and laughing.” he’ll keep waffling (here might be where he says that stuff about, “the guys in boot camp used to say the first one to drop the l-bomb loses”). shepard will have a paragon QTE to interrupt him with a kiss.
VIII. before the suicide mission he’ll come to shepard’s quarters, and whatever dumb thing he confessed in scene V is going to come back to bite him in the ass, ie if he told shep about his love for the asari dolly parton tribute band, shepard will have a tape of their greatest hits ready, or if he said that he sings, shep will ask him to sing something, etc etc. there’ll be a lot of laughing. after a while jacob will go quiet and shepard will have the option to nudge him.
“hey,” she says.
-”what?”
“i love you.”
-”oh. hell,” he’ll say. “hell. i guess that means i win.” and, laughing, he’ll add: “you do this shit on purpose, don’t you?”
(probably that segues into the obligatory sex scene with a double entendre about ‘winning’)
IX. after the suicide mission, if you find him again in the armory, the first thing he says is “you too.” shepard is like ??? and he clarifies: “i love you too. it would have killed me if one of us got hurt and i hadn’t said it.” AND (i actually think this should have been a discussion you have with every romance option) you discuss what’ll happen now, maybe not specifically that shepard intends to turn herself in, but her going rogue and working with cerberus was never going to go unpunished. also that MESS in arrival... so i think there should have been a “what does this mean for us” convo in there somewhere - where shepard can ask her LI to stay with her, or say that she can’t clip their wings like that when she doesn’t know what’ll happen. all the me3 fuckery could have been avoided that way.
X. ok if even miranda couldn’t get to shepard while they were under house arrest, i doubt jacob would be able to either, and i think he knows that. but when you meet him in that me3 mission where he’s helping to evacuate the ex-cerberus scientists, he’s so pleased to see shepard again...my dramatic ass wants a reunion kiss when he’s sitting in the base recovering from the gunshot wound, where he’s reassuring her that he’s all right, he’s had worse. he still decides not to join the normandy crew tho and to keep working with the scientists and brynn (as a friend)
XI. a scene where you meet him on the citadel, maybe on the presidium, near the fountains, or somewhere peaceful, and you catch up, get him to tell you in more detail what the past six months were like - maybe you talk about earth? maybe he had family there? and from there he talks about wanting to settle down after the war and have a family, something real, something stable. shepard can ask if there’s any room in that future for her. THIS is where i wanna put that “it’s you. it’s all you” line, as in “you are that future”. renegade shep can tease him and ask what he’d name their kids. he knows exactly what names he wants, either for a boy or a girl, but refuses to tell shepard. maybe after this thing is over.
XII. the arcade scene from citadel is cute as is. i wouldn’t change it except to make it longer and add more schmoopy moments, like maybe shepard can express her surprise at how good jacob is with these kids, ask if there’s anything she can do to help out. a bit at the end where they hit a quiet restaurant together and just sit in each other’s company? im a simple man with simple needs. before shepard boards the normandy that final time, he tells her firmly that she’d better come back, or she’ll never know what he wanted to name their kids.
XIII. ok i have this same gripe with miranda in that shes not there with you in that crucial moment before the final mission. can we have like a video call or a hologram moment or something. i feel like this would be such a good place for a cheesy dialogue like, shepard is breaking down (i can’t win, i can’t be to these people what they want me to be, no one is that strong) and jacob can tell her that he used to see her as this larger than life figure too - he knows where all those people are coming from, but he also knows that shepard is only a person. but this thing is bigger than her; he’s seen it, seen everyone come together to build the catalyst. they’ll win. she doesn’t have to worry, she just has to do her job for one more day and then come home.
XIV. adding onto that, i want a jacob hologram on earth before the last push to the catalyst, and he says it a second time, “i love you,” with just this little telltale crack in his voice.
“i guess that means i win,” grins shepard.
“yeah, you’re going to,” laughs jacob. “jesus, there’s no having a moment with you, is there?”
“we’ll have all the moments you want when i get back.” and she blows him a kiss and shuts off the holo.
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wishfulcynic · 3 years
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Catching Up
Catch up.
I think this is the first time I’ve been tagged in one of these things! @crescentbunny tagged me.
Rules: tag every person you want to know better/catch up with and then answer the following questions.
Three ships:
Amell/Morrigan (Dragon Age: Origins)
Hawke/Merrill/Isabela (Dragon Age 2 - I will go down with this polycule)
Shakarian (Femshep/Garrus)
Harmony (Harry Potter/Hermione Granger)
The Leverage OT3
Nobody ever stops at three.
Last songs listened to:
Run You (The Qemists)
Daredevil (Ace Combat 7 Soundtrack)
This is Gonna Hurt (Sixx A.M.)
Currently Watching:
Besides the same shows I have on for background noise, I just finally watched Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse because it’s about to leave Netflix. Holy shit.
Currently reading: Several different fanfics and the Battletech novel Wolf Pack.
How’s it going:
The last few weeks, I’ve been picking up, on average, an hour and a half of overtime every day, because management apparently doesn’t realize that the best way to cut down on overtime is to hire more people. The bright side is they seem to have finally figured out who’s competent and who isn’t on my team, so when one of the incompetent people starts complaining about procedures or when someone on another team accuses us of some stupid shit we didn’t do, they’ve started listening to us instead of just jumping on us and handing out written warnings. It’s actually been an improvement, considering I nearly lost my job in the summer and the only thing stopping me from quitting my job in the middle of a global pandemic was losing my health insurance. The only (admittedly numerous) annoyances at my job have been the lower-level idiots I have to deal with on a daily basis, who frankly scare me because they’re the ones the customers interact with. And if your response to being told you made a math error on a form is “what’s math?” then maybe you shouldn’t be employed. If your attitude towards amounts, deadlines, and account numbers is “eh, close enough,” maybe working at a bank isn’t the job for you!
That said, working from home has been a blessing. I’ve been in a far better headspace not having to go into the office and not having to wake up early, pretend I care about my appearance, and fight through traffic has put hours back into my days. If nothing else, being able to hang up the phone, bellow profanity for someone giving me shit over their incompetence, and not have anyone give me an annoyed look has been nice.
Seeing Mass Effect allegedly coming back from the dead and the handful of tiny tidbits BioWare has thrown us for Dragon Age has been...disheartening. Not that I don’t love these games, it’s just that BioWare is still working under EA’s boot, and considering that EA as a company gives me strong serial killer vibes, I’m wondering how they’re going to fuck it up this time. Not to mention that the ME remaster almost certainly isn’t going to fix the numerous issues with the games, and whatever ME4 will be is going to have to work off the ending of 3. As for Dragon Age 4, I’ve come to realize that the problem with giving us the opportunity to make large decisions in games that import your choices means that most of your choices, in the long run, wind up meaning precisely dick. None of your boons in Origins get passed along, Hawke gets written to be a specific way no matter what your choices were in 2, and no matter who you choose as Divine, the Circle will eventually come back. You can’t claim our choices matter and then cut off the branches to force the story back into the narrow track you plotted out. Plus, several of the shitty-ass writers like Lukas Kristjanson are still there, and while hopefully Greg Ellis finally kneecapped his own career and we won’t have to deal with Cullen anymore, I’m not sure I’m feeling the BioWare magic anymore.
However, I did finally get my sister into Dragon Age, which has been both heartwarming and endlessly amusing to watch her play a mage whose first reaction to everyone and everything is “can I stab them and/or rob their corpse?” Some other highlights from her play-through are “this 90s slut top is giving me life,” “why is Duncan killing my himbos,” “can I go Palpatine on this guy yet,” and “who is this big-headed bitch?” Her getting into it actually got me writing Dragon Age again, so we’ll see if this holds and I actually wind up writing the Inquisition fanfic I’ve been saying I wasn’t going to do since January 2016.
Tagging: @himalayanwhite, @letmesharpenyourclaws, @heathenvampires, and @theunrealinsomniac. Half of you are fanfic writers - I’m a big fan.
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transmortifried · 4 years
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so i’m playing mass effect 3 for the first time for the second time (made some bad choices on my first run, starting over) and i’ve got some hot takes i want to raise about the “story and mission-based companion-focused rpg” genre
1. companion quests make any game with companions better by their inclusion. not all companion quests are good obviously, but it’s definitely something i miss in 3 that i loved in 2, where it was a prominent and vital part of the game. (there’s like 3 or 4 missions total in 2 that aren’t recruiting a new party member or solving their deep-rooted personal problems.)
2. how games let you romance your companions has problems.
2a. for one, hey devs i don’t give a SHIT if you think nobody wants to romance the awful crab alien or the robot detective, i GUARANTEE that your players do. (although i would personally hate a javik romance b/c he’s awful and terrible, the bit where you bang him in the citadel DLC is fucking HILARIOUS). also bioware, where’s the krogan romance options? if we can figure out how to bang the cute quarian without killing her with our terribly filthy human germs and incompatible amino acids, we can figure out how to bang a krogan without dying
2b. no het-only romance options pls. i’m okay with same-gender-exclusive romance options purely on the grounds of we (the gays (me)) are starving so badly for gay romance options, but you look at me and tell me that garrus vakarian wouldn’t bust it wide open for “one-man-cybernetically-augmented-superman” mshep or tali’zorah “hero-worship-sublimated-to-romantic-feelings” vas normandy wouldn’t let femshep turn that suit into a full-body dental dam then you are a coward. also jack is the most bisexual woman i’ve ever seen and bioware is too chicken to acknowledge it.
2b, subheading a. that said, i hate the bethesda route of “playersexual npcs” where the romance routes are totally identical regardless of player gender, but with mad libs style fill-in-the-blank-with-your-pronouns-here writing. idk if there’s an easy compromise to make here.
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Drunk Punch Love- INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL:
Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)
Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)
Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love
INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL: 25 Days
After losing the Savior of the Citadel, who happened to be his commanding officer, no one really questioned his request to delay Spectre training. The whole galaxy was wracked by the news, even on Palaven. Garrus thought he could run from her here, but all he had to do was walk the streets of the capitol and he'd hear her name.
He couldn't keep on hearing her name.
"All the officials have even planned to do a spirit ritual for Commander Shepard."
Overhearing his sister and father's conversation, though, it didn't seem like there was anywhere he could run where he wouldn't hear about her. Everywhere was a Shepard-less nightmare, were her name was on everybody's lips but she never showed up.
Garrus could hear the annoyance in his father's voice. "Guess even the hierarchy is obsessed with the woman. Well, if the people will feel inspired by honoring a warrior spirit, it's for the best."
"Not today, father, please." From the other room Solana spoke louder. "Garrus, they'd like you to speak at Shepard's spirit ritual. What do you say?"
Laying on his childhood bed and staring at the ceiling above him, he couldn't think of anything he'd want to do less. Hearing Alliance soldiers spew about her heroism had made him sick enough, he might as well get hung before doing it himself. "I'd rather volunteer for janitorial detail at the junior boot camps."
"I could set that up for you, if you'd rather do that in her honor-"
Lucky for him, his father cut her off. "That's not what he meant, Solana." He'd appreciate his father's intervention, if he didn't know Castis Vakarian so well. The man sounded so self-righteous about it. "And unfortunately, it's not out of protest for Spectres, he's just pouting."
Garrus and his father didn't get along on a good day, so there had been a lot of yelling the past week he'd been home. He doubted it was going to stop anytime soon. Trying to shut down the conversation, he replied, "My friend is dead and I'm tired of people treating her like a symbol instead of a human being."
"For once, I agree with you. It's out of precedent to hold a spirit ritual for a human."
He wasn't sure if he was more irritable while grieving or if his father was really trying to be more of an asshole lately. Getting off his bed, Garrus walked to the open door and leaned against the metal trim, crossing his arms. His father and Solana were sitting at the table, like this entire conversation was casual, not the kind that stabbed his aorta. "Spirits sake, yes, she was a squishy human. And she was the savior of the Citadel. And she was a good person. Could you keep your politics about Spectres or humans out of this? At least out of respect for your son's now-dead Commanding Officer?"
Across from him, his father's face stayed serious. "Fine. New topic: why aren't you going back to C-Sec?" Garrus was ready to scream, but his stubborn ass father clearly had a whole speech ready. "I believe in doing what's right and Saren needed to be taken down. But you left your post without a word and refused to listen to your superior officers. Clearly, you still have a lot to make up for there-"
Garrus was lucky that, before he could finish, somebody started to call Castis Vakarian on his omni-tool. Watching him walk out of the room, he and Solana waited until the door shut behind him. It was only then did he sit down at the table.
Sighing, his sister patted his right hand. "Father means well. He's just a classic hierarchy man and you're, well..."
"A rebellious hothead?"
"I mean I wasn't going to say it like that but... yes." Solana's concern was sweet, but he always appreciated her honesty. It was better to be sweet about hard truths than telling kind lies. Her eyes, a brighter blue than his, tried to be as soft as they could. Since he knew he was getting more than she gave the politicians she worked with, it was something. "He cares for you, brother, and he can see this is hard on you. But when mother died, you both threw yourselves into your work. He's struggling to understand what makes this time different."
Garrus didn't really want to tackle that right now, poke the raw wound of losing his mother, the one that sat right next to his Shepard sized one. That bitch still wasn't done bleeding. He was starting to think it never would. "It just is." No matter how hard Sol was trying, he didn't want to keep talking about this. He didn't come back to Palaven to keep hashing out the same conversations about grief and loss, because it never made him feel any better. Instead, he cocked his head towards the door their father walked out of. "How does the man even have human friends when he acts like this?"
"He just doesn't like humans being raised up as Turian heroes, especially after one of our own committed such a heinous betrayal. So, for lack of a better phrase, it's just your human."
"Not helping, Sol."
"I know. My profession is disseminating information, not making it sound nice." Sol leaned back in her chair, just like him, not pushing him to feel better. Garrus sometimes wondered how such a patient, practical person could be the sister of a so-called turian hothead. Even their parents were difficult people; it was a miracle Solana wasn't just like them.
Even if the rest of this damned planet was rubbing him wrong, at least Solana was trying her best. So, Garrus tried to be more patient with her, too, and kept his yelling to a minimum. He probably didn't deserve someone so patient with all the yelling he'd been doing.
Solana interrupted his thoughts and said, "If it matters at all, I'm sorry you lost her. She must have meant a great deal to you. And I know how much you hate my gossiping and astounding intuition, so I won't ask if it was more than that."
"You don't know how much I appreciate that right now."
"We're your family, Garrus. We're here for you. Even if father is terrible at showing it."
"I just wish this was easier." His head was swimming, and he was way too aware he had bigger problems if even Palaven felt like too much of... her. And she'd never even been there. Since Sol was the only person who didn't piss him off right now, he couldn't help but talk about it. "I'm supposed to be heading back to the Citadel in a few days to report to Spectre training. I got in because she was my Commander. I don't know if I can do it anymore."
"Well Dad would be thrilled if you went back to C-Sec."
"I don't want to go to C-Sec, either."
"This may sound very turian of me, but civil service is what we do. Where else would you go?"
Garrus knew Sol had a point. But practicality didn't matter to him right now; surviving Shepard did. He just needed to stop bleeding, dammit. And maybe that meant he was a bad turian, and maybe he was okay with that. "Anywhere that didn't remind me of her. I thought Palaven would be enough, but even here..." At the thought of a spirit ritual for her, honoring the soldier and hero she was, the nausea hit him again. Was that all he was lately, vomit and blood? He admitted to Solana, "As a ghost, she's everything she never wanted to be."
"What do you mean?"
Picturing her in her room, ripping her hands through her hair, always pulling out a few strands, he remembered holding her. He remembered telling Shepard he would be there for her. He remembered reminding her she was a squishy human and how big she smiled and until right before the Collectors took her away, he didn't understand why. But he gave Sol the simpler answer, without all the messy feelings and muscle memory involved. "Shepard didn't love being a beacon. She just wanted to help people. She just wanted to be human."
"Well, when there's no human anymore, isn't the beacon all anybody has left?"
He knew Solana had a point. He knew that there were a lot of people that needed to remember her as a hero; a symbol of hope. Hell, if he never met her, he would've probably done the same. Commander Shepard would be a name that went down in history, so why wouldn't they treat her that way?
But they didn't comfort her while she cried, he did. The second she looked up at him with those sad green eyes, Garrus wasn't sure he'd ever be able to see anything else. He was absolutely haunted by it. Sighing, he leaned forward onto the table and told Solana, "That may make the galaxy feel better, but it feels like everything I knew, everything I-"
As he started to crumble, Sol grabbed his hand again and it felt like he had an anchor. Not the one he wanted, but still a good one. "She really did a number on you, didn't she, Garrus?" His sister echoed his sigh and then said, "Go wherever is quiet. I'll even help you look. Just as long as you keep in touch."
"Always."
For the next few days, Garrus tried to stay civil with his father and do his best to help Solana. But with all her extranet data mining skills, she did better on her own. He just found himself waiting. The night before he was supposed to ship out for Spectres, she knocked on his door.
It opened, and she had this clever but sad look on her face. Maybe mixed in with a little amusement, but he wasn't sure. She always kinda looked amused after she finished a job, for her brother or not.
Solana walked in and sat down next to him on his bed. With a flick of her wrist, she opened her omni-tool. "I found the place that's quietest about Shepard, but I don't know if you'll like it."
"What?"
Another flick, and she opened a file with a picture of a darkened space station, with red lights. It didn't exactly look like the friendliest place, and he couldn't put his finger on it, but it definitely looked familiar. "It's called Omega."
That's when it clicked. C-Sec has an entire cabinet dedicated to shit from there. He raised an eyebrow at his sister. "You mean like the mercenary den, filled with drug traders and illegal activity? Hell yeah, a rebellious hothead like me is totally gonna fit in."
"You wanted to know where you wouldn't find her. This is your best shot." They sat there, staring at the picture of Omega. His stomach sort of churned, but the thought of finally getting peace from her... Solana said, "I know you don't like agreeing with dad, but C-Sec wouldn't be a terrible option. And for all his gripes about Spectres, if you wanted it, you'd make a good one. Both will have you. I've just armed you with information. It's your job to make a choice."
Laughing, he focused on the only good thing about this moment. "Damn, you're a good big sister."
"I know, right?" Solana flicked her omni-tool closed and pulled him in for a full hug. "I love you, Garrus."
"Love you, too, Sol."
He spent the rest of the night packing and pouring over his datapad, which held all the information Solana sent him. While it told him all the basics about Omega (with the ominous phrase "Don't fuck with Aria" underlined a few times), she also sent him an approval of possible reinstatement letter from Officer Bailey, and the dossier on his acceptance Spectre Program. Big sis wasn't lying about giving him all the information.
In the morning, sleeping on the decision really didn't help. He said a more formal goodbye to his family and headed for the spaceport, knowing that he was either heading back to the Citadel or somewhere far worse.
At first, he figured that being a Spectre had to be something; he'd at least get a shot to do the kind of work she loved and honor her memory like that, right?
But then he thought of his name, Spectre Vakarian, and that nausea hit all over again. And he also knew better than to think that her name wouldn't be all over that program, talking about her successes, or Saren's, or even Nihlus'.
He'd quickly be known as the guy who knew Shepard. Would he be bullied into interviews and have to talk about her? Or worse, would they just elect him to take her place as the galaxy's new savior?
That was enough to make up his mind. One way ticket to Omega it was. Whether he stayed there to change some things or just heal up his bleeding wound, anything had to be better than having the Alliance and Spectres bleed him dry just to get their last living glimmer of Shepard.
Fuck them. He'd figure things out his own way.
/
I really love Garrus as a younger brother. Most of what I read has always made him the older brother, but I feel like a more responsible sister holding together the difficult family while he does his “turian rebel” thing is intriguing. 
Anyway, thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:
Danyell Jones
Amy Connolly
If you'd like to support my stories, please go check out my bio for more info. All proceeds will be going towards a gaming desktop so my lovely sass can game on Twitch with fans :)
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velvet-apricots · 7 years
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Top five video games (that i have played)
We all have those games that leave us feeling the best we ever could, and that left a lasting impression on us over our lives. I myself have not played to many games, but i have loved many of them. So, here are the ones i loved the most.
Number 5: Minecraft for PC.
yeah yeah.Minecraft. I love this game. I love i can wear a skin of my fave Transformer, trepan, i love that i can mod it to have cute dogs, i love the mods in general.... Its just.... good old fun.
The game that influenced many others, and jump started independent gaming companies and gaming, Minecraft is still popular to this day. And remains the only PC game i own, due to my computer being a piece of crap.
Number 4: Pokemon: Crystal Version.
I’m a huge fan of pokemon, and despite many many improvements over the years, Crystal remains my favorite, if only for nostalgia. Taking place in Johto, my favorite region, with the first and nicest looking female characters,and sporting my fave starter, Cyndaquil, this game always brings me back.
When i first played Crystal, and saw the Starter Cyndaquil, i was in love, and Cyndaquil has to this day remained my favorite starter. Cender, as i named him, pretty much took on the elite four al on his own, due to me being really shit at this game. He went on the being the first and only pokemon i have had to reach level 100.
Number 3: Transformers: Devistation
Holy shit.... Okay so i love transformers, and i played Transformers: War for Cybertron, and i liked it. But you know.... I always loved G1, that old, shitty 80s cartoon. And boy, does this damn game deliver on that.
The whole damn cast returns, minus those that sadly passed away (rest in peace Christopher Collins no one will ever get G1 Starscream quite as screechy as you),and deliver good old cheesy fun in a beat em up arcade style video game, with amazing music. Its just.... Good old Nostalgia
Number 2: Skyrim and Fallout 4.
I literally could not pick which of these i liked more. Now before you all say stuff like “oh but oblivion is better!” or  “Bet you didn’t play New Vegas”, I did. I played both of them. They are great games, and fun to play, but Skyrim and Fallout 4 is just... Better in my opinion.
Skyrim and Oblivion i find are about the same in terms of almost everything. Save for one... important factor.... The argonians look better. Yes. Thats right. The reason Skyrim is better to me, is because the argonians don’t look like candy coated shit.
Fallout 4 i found to be much easier to play in terms of the endings. New Vegas kinda tosses an ... odd thing that if you don’t do every companion mission or quest even, you get a narration about how everyone you didn’t help gets fucked over and dies. I’m an anxious wreck here. I cant do that man.
Fallout 4 has actually managed to move me to tears at times, and the Sarcastic responses.... I love it. Also, John Hancock. Enough said.
And the Number 1 game i have ever played is....
All Three Mass Effect games.
Where do i even begin on this game? I found out about this game via some art i found, of a FemShep and Garrus just snuggling. And i was intrigued. That christmas, i got an Xbox 360, and Mass Effect 1 and 2. My first step into a major console gaming was a big one, and i was left utterly adoring every moment. The characters, the missions, and the romance.... Fucking Garrus man.... I love him to this day.
I preordered Mass Effect 3 as soon as I could, and that game utterly ripped out my heart from just.... Everthing. Yeah.... Crappy ending but, the whole game left me crying my eyes out over those lost. I played Paragon, so the losses were not to hefty. Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Legion, and finally my Shepard, Lillian. But i cried all the same.
I’ve bought all the dlc, i’ve played the games about seven times each. The music to this damn day moves me to tears. I’m getting emotional a little right now.Thats how much this franchise means to me.
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Drunk Punch Love 2: Chapter 2
Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)
Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)
Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love
AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089466/chapters/54170929
Part 2- Chapter 2: Alliance Stowaways
Before she could even adjust to being back on the Normandy with people she didn't know, and even before she could introduce herself to any of them, they were passing by a new colony hit by The Collectors, Freedom's Progress. Anya remembered duty-life was high pace and unexpected, but it kinda felt like she hadn't had time to breathe.
And the entire thing was overwhelmed by waves of emotion, because not only did they find a derelict colony, but they found Tali, too. Her Tali, engineering extraordinaire, cute laugh, and all. She was a leader, now. Watching her felt surreal, seeing the awkward wingwoman of Ash Williams so sure of herself now. They pushed down opposite sides of the pavilion, but all Anya wanted to do was fight by her side again.
But that wasn't her place anymore. It was Tali's team.
When they shot down the last bots and got to the one survivor, Veetor, he was a mess. They did some quick questioning, but it wasn't long before the guy just needed a blanket around his shoulders and to get cared for back home. Tali's people were walking him back to their ship and Anya felt so desperate to not let her go. Not again.
Being an emotional wimp about asking people to stay was part of her charm, though. And how could she ask Tali to give up being a leader just to be on her ship again? That'd be selfish. So she hugged her, told her to keep in touch, and made a few jokes about coming back from the dead.
Then, she watched Tali walk away from her.
She understood how important it was for Tali to continue supporting the Flotilla and getting Veetor home. But also her chest deflated as one more reminder of who she really was floated away.
Walking down the halls of the Normandy, wondering when they'd get to the Citadel so she could get some proper sweats instead of these ridiculous Cerberus slacks, it all was just too much. Too-friendly Jacob had barely let her breathe post-mission before he was taking her on this tour of her own ship.
It made sense why he was doing it, there were a lot of changes to Joker's beautiful baby. At the same time, though, she could feel wisps of memories in every corridor. Pressley used to give her bad jokes and every opinion he'd ever had on the command deck. She met Kaidan in the cockpit, where now it was just Joker and some AI named EDI bickering. Tali's engine room station was replaced by two funny engineers named Gabby and Donnely, but the way they played off each other was a little overwhelming for her jumbled brain.
And when they passed the battery, and he told her this was where the ships' gun calibrations were, she knew this was where Garrus would've belonged. But he didn't, because this wasn't quite her Normandy, and he wasn't here. The turian that got her through Saren was MIA. Maybe even-
Anya couldn't think about that or everything felt even more hazy.
Things brightened up, though, when Jacob walked her into the med-bay. Much to her surprise, the doc wasn't a stranger. She was an old friend. Prim, silver-haired, and beautiful as ever.
Much faster than she could get a word out, Anya pulled Dr. Chakwas into her arms. She said, "Good to see a friendly face."
"I'm sure, Shepard." When she pulled back, Chakwas touched her cheek. Part of it was affection, but the doctor also had her intense "medic" glare on. "Cerberus still hasn't erased the scars they left on you."
Her fingers waved away the woman's hand and brushed her own cheek; it was sensitive, but not painfully so. "Yeah, well, I'm no stranger to scars. Adds character."
Chakwas laughed at her. "Like you need any more character." A million moments and memories seemed to pass between them, half with Shepard in sweats swearing about some stitches. While she didn't mind scars, stitches always made her skin itch.
But that wasn't important. What was important was that she sniped another top-tier Alliance officer just by coming back from the dead. "How'd you end up here? I never thought-"
"I'd leave the Alliance? I haven't quite. You wrack up a lot of shore leave by my age. And when I heard there was going to be another ship captained by Commander Shepard, I had to join."
Jacob coughed into his hand and stood up straight, giving Anya an apologetic look. Considering he was interrupting Chakwas, it wasn't nearly apologetic enough. At her glare, he looked a little unsettled. "Hate to break up the reunion, but we still have a lot to see."
"Fine." Crossing her arms over her chest, Anya gave Chakwas a serious look. "I'm coming back later for you. You, Joker, and I are having dinner."
"I wouldn't miss it."
Following Jacob out of the med bay, she kinda wished she could karate chop his head off. It was like she got a new Alliance lackey without as many Chain of Command perks. And at least Alliance soldiers looked at her like a living legend; Jacob looked at her like a cash prize Cerberus won after some high stakes gambling. She was pretty sure she hated that more than the heroic evangelizing.
Anya also didn't enjoy being stuck in an elevator with him and, with four floors on the Normandy SR-2, it had happened way too much in one day. The dude radiated an uncomfortable amount of self-confidence and heat. She wasn't sure yet if any of it was justified.
Lucky for her, when the door opened he gestured for her to walk onto their final floor: the captain's quarters. Anya entered her room and was barely listening to him, marvelling at it. There was a great desk spot, shelves, a huge bed, a couch that looked even nicer than her Alliance one. If she ever did movie night-
Before she could stop herself, Anya winced. Once she stood in the center of the room, Jacob said, "And this is where you'll stay, concluding our tour."
She was a little cranky about that. Anya definitely could've talked a few more minutes with Chakwas and shown herself this room. But Jacob just kept talking. "Since we're not military, things can be a little more luxurious than the typical Alliance ship. Keeps the people happy."
"Wild to think this is mine." She pressed her fingers to the glass of the empty fish tank. Guess Cerberus wanted her to upgrade from her plants on the Normandy. Feeling a pang of nostalgia in her heart, Anya remembered how much she loved waking up to her succulents and ivy. She'd have to get some more since hers got blown out into space.
That thought didn't make her feel so good, either.
"Best Commander in the galaxy deserves it." Anya nearly vomited. She wasn't great with the overblown compliments, but she hated it even more coming from a soldier subordinate. Gave her too many memories of regretted conversations with one Kaidan Alenko.
Jacob didn't seem to catch her distaste, though, and continued gushing like a proper fanboy. If only he knew how much she hated it. "Just wanted to say, it's an honor serving under you. I expected the best, but being in a fight with you.. It's something else."
Yep, this was three steps too close to Alenko territory. Remembering what happened the last time someone talked like that and got her alone in her quarters, Anya got a little overwhelmed by the panic in her gut. It was seething, begging for things to be less complicated this time. She was a soldier first, not her teammate's fantisized sex dream.
Shepard blurted, "I have a hard rule against intimate relationships with my subordinates."
Turning towards her, Jacob peered. If anything he seemed surprised. Shit. He was just being a fanboy, not the Alenko kind, wasn't he? With an uncomfortable nod, he said, "O-kay. Duly noted." He walked past her, careful not to touch her at all. "If you need anything, Miranda's just a deck below and I'm by command."
Then, he was gone.
Of all her years as a commander, she did a great job being everyone's friend. At some points she almost convinced herself she was charismatic. But the second a topic made her uncomfortable? Anya clammed up.
That was normal enough in the early days, but since her last mission she panicked about someone having the hots for her, becoming even more of a bumbling idiot.
Liara, Kaidan, and Garrus broke her, didn't they?
Deciding she was over thinking about the romance politics on the old Normandy, Anya went over the dossiers The Illusive Man gave her. He recommended first to pick up a Salarian scientist on Omega, one who might be able to synthesize against the Collector nerve bugs. Past that, there was an old, seasoned merc named Zaeed that Cerberus bought out, some merc-killer named Archangel, the Krogan Warlord Okeer, a high-stakes thief named Kasumi, and some super-biotic, Jack, on a prison ship.
Cerberus' picks of team members were definitely a bit more... colorful than hers ever were. The shadiest person she worked with was Wrex, and that one was currently trying to create a unified Tuchanka. Wasn't exactly the same as a straight up war criminal.
Considering the calibre of people The Illusive Man wanted her to get, brilliant but dangerous, Shepard thought it best to read over the whole files. All it took was a glance over Jack's file to realize she was a girl, and that would've been a dumb, unecessary false assumption. Also, Zaeed had beef with the Blue Suns and Okeer was working with them, so that might cause some conflict she had to be aware of.
But just as she was opening Kasumi's file, arguably the tamest of the bunch, her omni-tool pinged. It was Joker. The guy preferred audio files because texting put too much pressure on his bones sometimes, so she turned up her volume. "You wanted dinner? Get your ass down here."
Anya ran her hands through her hair. Typical. Of course she would forget a dinner she planned herself. Literally only twenty four hours back with Joker and he already had something to give her shit about.
She was doing a great job turning over a new leaf in her second chance at life.
Trying to act casual, Anya quickly brushed her messy as hell hair and used the elevator to get to the crew dec. When she got there, Joker and Chakwas were leaning back in their chairs, like parents who caught their kid sneaking in late. They even had a pizza in between them.
Joker smirked and gave her the snark she expected. "We were waiting here for half an hour before we realized your dumb ass got all workaholic on us already."
"There's a lot to catch up on, Sue me." Shepard sat down and put a slice of pizza in her mouth. Classic cheese and garlic. She gave Chakwas a thumbs up for her cooking prowess. Sure, it was probably a frozen pizza, but Chakwas' always tasted better than anyone else's. In between bites she said, "Thanks."
"You're welcome, Shepard."
After she wolfed down half a slice, she asked, "While I eat like an animal, is there anything big in the Alliance I missed?"
Joker started. "Without your backing, Udina took over the council seat. Granted, I think Anderson was relieved."
She shrugged. That was what happened when you chose a seasoned, bad luck soldier to make your political decisions. Anya always figured Anderson would quit the job eventually. "Figures."
Chakwas looked a lot more hesitant with her comment, but she still did it with a smile. "I did a mission stint on the SS Marakov. Can report you're an easier Shepard to have a meal with."
Joker added, "I also spent some time with Oksana. She's buried herself in work. They left for a deep space recon mission a few months ago. No clue when they'll get back."
Anya kept chewing, trying to wrap her head around everything they were saying. The doctor's eyes were soft and sympathetic as she said, "To be quite honest, other than losing you... Not too much has changed. Although, the space you left was very real " Chakwas placed her hand of hers and it was so tender that Anya swallowed down the last of the pizza in her mouth. Everything was a wild mess, after dying, but it was so comforting to know people had her back.
And then Joker somehow ruined and enhanced the wholesome moment all at the same time. "To be really quite damn honest, it never felt real. I always felt like you should be showing up any moment to kick my ass for doing something dumb."
Before she could tell them how much their words meant to her, Miranda was over the intercoms. "We've made it to Omega, Shepard. Meet me in the briefing room."
Anya grumbled. "Dammit, I only got one slice of pizza." She shoved another one in her mouth and basically swallowed it whole. It was better than no pizza.
Chakwas just kinda stared at her in awe. Joker, on the other hand, said, "Fuck. Well, I guess I'll give this to you now."
He handed over a box and, while Shepard inhaled another pizza slice, she opened it. Inside was a pair of classic, cozy Citadel sweats. With a gulp, she beamed at Joker. "Thank-"
"Nope. There's another thing."
Pulling the sweats out, underneath was a set of ballet flats. Joker had seen her practice a few times when they were roommates, but she never knew he understood how much it meant to her. She couldn't smile wide enough for that one. Putting the sweats back on top of the shoes, Anya said, "Thank you. But you tell anyone what's in here, you die "
With his annoying smirk, he started to walk towards the elevator. "I know."
Her eyes flicked back to Chakwas and she grimaced. "Sorry I couldn't have a nice long dinner with you two. I'll make it up to you."
"I know you will."
Shepard saluted and then, with her box, ran towards the elevator. After it dropped off Joker, it was her turn to go to her room and suit it. She said to herself, "After we pick up this Salarian scientist, I'm going to remember the sweet feeling of sweats again."
And that was enough of a beautiful, human thing to make coming back to life really worth it. After all, she needed something to be excited for, beyond saving the galaxy. Sweats and those two Alliance stowaways didn't give her back the team she lost, but for now? They were enough.
/
Awww I love the Alliance babies. And knowing what we all know about Kaidan *glares* it's nice to know that some other friends still have Shepard's back.
I normally do a “please support my writings and discord and future Twitch” bit here, but I’m tired. I’ll write one-shots for you if you are so inclined, but if not, checking out my brainstorm blogs there is neat enough. Or my other cool sites and whatnot. I just want to share my stuffs :)
Patreon: patreon.com/gracejordan
Twitter: (at)Steph_Marceau
Wattpad: user/GraceJordan13
Anyway, thank you so much for reading! And some serious double stuffed thanks to my lovely patrons:
Danyell Jones
Amy Connolly
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Drunk Punch Love 2: Chapter 2
Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)
Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)
Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love
AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089466/chapters/54170929
Part 2- Chapter 2: Alliance Stowaways
Before she could even adjust to being back on the Normandy with people she didn't know, and even before she could introduce herself to any of them, they were passing by a new colony hit by The Collectors, Freedom's Progress. Anya remembered duty-life was high pace and unexpected, but it kinda felt like she hadn't had time to breathe.
And the entire thing was overwhelmed by waves of emotion, because not only did they find a derelict colony, but they found Tali, too. Her Tali, engineering extraordinaire, cute laugh, and all. She was a leader, now. Watching her felt surreal, seeing the awkward wingwoman of Ash Williams so sure of herself now. They pushed down opposite sides of the pavilion, but all Anya wanted to do was fight by her side again.
But that wasn't her place anymore. It was Tali's team.
When they shot down the last bots and got to the one survivor, Veetor, he was a mess. They did some quick questioning, but it wasn't long before the guy just needed a blanket around his shoulders and to get cared for back home. Tali's people were walking him back to their ship and Anya felt so desperate to not let her go. Not again.
Being an emotional wimp about asking people to stay was part of her charm, though. And how could she ask Tali to give up being a leader just to be on her ship again? That'd be selfish. So she hugged her, told her to keep in touch, and made a few jokes about coming back from the dead.
Then, she watched Tali walk away from her.
She understood how important it was for Tali to continue supporting the Flotilla and getting Veetor home. But also her chest deflated as one more reminder of who she really was floated away.
Walking down the halls of the Normandy, wondering when they'd get to the Citadel so she could get some proper sweats instead of these ridiculous Cerberus slacks, it all was just too much. Too-friendly Jacob had barely let her breathe post-mission before he was taking her on this tour of her own ship.
It made sense why he was doing it, there were a lot of changes to Joker's beautiful baby. At the same time, though, she could feel wisps of memories in every corridor. Pressley used to give her bad jokes and every opinion he'd ever had on the command deck. She met Kaidan in the cockpit, where now it was just Joker and some AI named EDI bickering. Tali's engine room station was replaced by two funny engineers named Gabby and Donnely, but the way they played off each other was a little overwhelming for her jumbled brain.
And when they passed the battery, and he told her this was where the ships' gun calibrations were, she knew this was where Garrus would've belonged. But he didn't, because this wasn't quite her Normandy, and he wasn't here. The turian that got her through Saren was MIA. Maybe even-
Anya couldn't think about that or everything felt even more hazy.
Things brightened up, though, when Jacob walked her into the med-bay. Much to her surprise, the doc wasn't a stranger. She was an old friend. Prim, silver-haired, and beautiful as ever.
Much faster than she could get a word out, Anya pulled Dr. Chakwas into her arms. She said, "Good to see a friendly face."
"I'm sure, Shepard." When she pulled back, Chakwas touched her cheek. Part of it was affection, but the doctor also had her intense "medic" glare on. "Cerberus still hasn't erased the scars they left on you."
Her fingers waved away the woman's hand and brushed her own cheek; it was sensitive, but not painfully so. "Yeah, well, I'm no stranger to scars. Adds character."
Chakwas laughed at her. "Like you need any more character." A million moments and memories seemed to pass between them, half with Shepard in sweats swearing about some stitches. While she didn't mind scars, stitches always made her skin itch.
But that wasn't important. What was important was that she sniped another top-tier Alliance officer just by coming back from the dead. "How'd you end up here? I never thought-"
"I'd leave the Alliance? I haven't quite. You wrack up a lot of shore leave by my age. And when I heard there was going to be another ship captained by Commander Shepard, I had to join."
Jacob coughed into his hand and stood up straight, giving Anya an apologetic look. Considering he was interrupting Chakwas, it wasn't nearly apologetic enough. At her glare, he looked a little unsettled. "Hate to break up the reunion, but we still have a lot to see."
"Fine." Crossing her arms over her chest, Anya gave Chakwas a serious look. "I'm coming back later for you. You, Joker, and I are having dinner."
"I wouldn't miss it."
Following Jacob out of the med bay, she kinda wished she could karate chop his head off. It was like she got a new Alliance lackey without as many Chain of Command perks. And at least Alliance soldiers looked at her like a living legend; Jacob looked at her like a cash prize Cerberus won after some high stakes gambling. She was pretty sure she hated that more than the heroic evangelizing.
Anya also didn't enjoy being stuck in an elevator with him and, with four floors on the Normandy SR-2, it had happened way too much in one day. The dude radiated an uncomfortable amount of self-confidence and heat. She wasn't sure yet if any of it was justified.
Lucky for her, when the door opened he gestured for her to walk onto their final floor: the captain's quarters. Anya entered her room and was barely listening to him, marvelling at it. There was a great desk spot, shelves, a huge bed, a couch that looked even nicer than her Alliance one. If she ever did movie night-
Before she could stop herself, Anya winced. Once she stood in the center of the room, Jacob said, "And this is where you'll stay, concluding our tour."
She was a little cranky about that. Anya definitely could've talked a few more minutes with Chakwas and shown herself this room. But Jacob just kept talking. "Since we're not military, things can be a little more luxurious than the typical Alliance ship. Keeps the people happy."
"Wild to think this is mine." She pressed her fingers to the glass of the empty fish tank. Guess Cerberus wanted her to upgrade from her plants on the Normandy. Feeling a pang of nostalgia in her heart, Anya remembered how much she loved waking up to her succulents and ivy. She'd have to get some more since hers got blown out into space.
That thought didn't make her feel so good, either.
"Best Commander in the galaxy deserves it." Anya nearly vomited. She wasn't great with the overblown compliments, but she hated it even more coming from a soldier subordinate. Gave her too many memories of regretted conversations with one Kaidan Alenko.
Jacob didn't seem to catch her distaste, though, and continued gushing like a proper fanboy. If only he knew how much she hated it. "Just wanted to say, it's an honor serving under you. I expected the best, but being in a fight with you.. It's something else."
Yep, this was three steps too close to Alenko territory. Remembering what happened the last time someone talked like that and got her alone in her quarters, Anya got a little overwhelmed by the panic in her gut. It was seething, begging for things to be less complicated this time. She was a soldier first, not her teammate's fantisized sex dream.
Shepard blurted, "I have a hard rule against intimate relationships with my subordinates."
Turning towards her, Jacob peered. If anything he seemed surprised. Shit. He was just being a fanboy, not the Alenko kind, wasn't he? With an uncomfortable nod, he said, "O-kay. Duly noted." He walked past her, careful not to touch her at all. "If you need anything, Miranda's just a deck below and I'm by command."
Then, he was gone.
Of all her years as a commander, she did a great job being everyone's friend. At some points she almost convinced herself she was charismatic. But the second a topic made her uncomfortable? Anya clammed up.
That was normal enough in the early days, but since her last mission she panicked about someone having the hots for her, becoming even more of a bumbling idiot.
Liara, Kaidan, and Garrus broke her, didn't they?
Deciding she was over thinking about the romance politics on the old Normandy, Anya went over the dossiers The Illusive Man gave her. He recommended first to pick up a Salarian scientist on Omega, one who might be able to synthesize against the Collector nerve bugs. Past that, there was an old, seasoned merc named Zaeed that Cerberus bought out, some merc-killer named Archangel, the Krogan Warlord Okeer, a high-stakes thief named Kasumi, and some super-biotic, Jack, on a prison ship.
Cerberus' picks of team members were definitely a bit more... colorful than hers ever were. The shadiest person she worked with was Wrex, and that one was currently trying to create a unified Tuchanka. Wasn't exactly the same as a straight up war criminal.
Considering the calibre of people The Illusive Man wanted her to get, brilliant but dangerous, Shepard thought it best to read over the whole files. All it took was a glance over Jack's file to realize she was a girl, and that would've been a dumb, unecessary false assumption. Also, Zaeed had beef with the Blue Suns and Okeer was working with them, so that might cause some conflict she had to be aware of.
But just as she was opening Kasumi's file, arguably the tamest of the bunch, her omni-tool pinged. It was Joker. The guy preferred audio files because texting put too much pressure on his bones sometimes, so she turned up her volume. "You wanted dinner? Get your ass down here."
Anya ran her hands through her hair. Typical. Of course she would forget a dinner she planned herself. Literally only twenty four hours back with Joker and he already had something to give her shit about.
She was doing a great job turning over a new leaf in her second chance at life.
Trying to act casual, Anya quickly brushed her messy as hell hair and used the elevator to get to the crew dec. When she got there, Joker and Chakwas were leaning back in their chairs, like parents who caught their kid sneaking in late. They even had a pizza in between them.
Joker smirked and gave her the snark she expected. "We were waiting here for half an hour before we realized your dumb ass got all workaholic on us already."
"There's a lot to catch up on, Sue me." Shepard sat down and put a slice of pizza in her mouth. Classic cheese and garlic. She gave Chakwas a thumbs up for her cooking prowess. Sure, it was probably a frozen pizza, but Chakwas' always tasted better than anyone else's. In between bites she said, "Thanks."
"You're welcome, Shepard."
After she wolfed down half a slice, she asked, "While I eat like an animal, is there anything big in the Alliance I missed?"
Joker started. "Without your backing, Udina took over the council seat. Granted, I think Anderson was relieved."
She shrugged. That was what happened when you chose a seasoned, bad luck soldier to make your political decisions. Anya always figured Anderson would quit the job eventually. "Figures."
Chakwas looked a lot more hesitant with her comment, but she still did it with a smile. "I did a mission stint on the SS Marakov. Can report you're an easier Shepard to have a meal with."
Joker added, "I also spent some time with Oksana. She's buried herself in work. They left for a deep space recon mission a few months ago. No clue when they'll get back."
Anya kept chewing, trying to wrap her head around everything they were saying. The doctor's eyes were soft and sympathetic as she said, "To be quite honest, other than losing you... Not too much has changed. Although, the space you left was very real " Chakwas placed her hand of hers and it was so tender that Anya swallowed down the last of the pizza in her mouth. Everything was a wild mess, after dying, but it was so comforting to know people had her back.
And then Joker somehow ruined and enhanced the wholesome moment all at the same time. "To be really quite damn honest, it never felt real. I always felt like you should be showing up any moment to kick my ass for doing something dumb."
Before she could tell them how much their words meant to her, Miranda was over the intercoms. "We've made it to Omega, Shepard. Meet me in the briefing room."
Anya grumbled. "Dammit, I only got one slice of pizza." She shoved another one in her mouth and basically swallowed it whole. It was better than no pizza.
Chakwas just kinda stared at her in awe. Joker, on the other hand, said, "Fuck. Well, I guess I'll give this to you now."
He handed over a box and, while Shepard inhaled another pizza slice, she opened it. Inside was a pair of classic, cozy Citadel sweats. With a gulp, she beamed at Joker. "Thank-"
"Nope. There's another thing."
Pulling the sweats out, underneath was a set of ballet flats. Joker had seen her practice a few times when they were roommates, but she never knew he understood how much it meant to her. She couldn't smile wide enough for that one. Putting the sweats back on top of the shoes, Anya said, "Thank you. But you tell anyone what's in here, you die "
With his annoying smirk, he started to walk towards the elevator. "I know."
Her eyes flicked back to Chakwas and she grimaced. "Sorry I couldn't have a nice long dinner with you two. I'll make it up to you."
"I know you will."
Shepard saluted and then, with her box, ran towards the elevator. After it dropped off Joker, it was her turn to go to her room and suit it. She said to herself, "After we pick up this Salarian scientist, I'm going to remember the sweet feeling of sweats again."
And that was enough of a beautiful, human thing to make coming back to life really worth it. After all, she needed something to be excited for, beyond saving the galaxy. Sweats and those two Alliance stowaways didn't give her back the team she lost, but for now? They were enough.
///
Awww I love the Alliance babies. And knowing what we all know about Kaidan *glares* it's nice to know that some other friends still have Shepard's back.
In other news, excited to share some new Dragon Age stuff today! I'm participating in Merribela week on Tumblr so I will have 3-4 one shots about a pirate and a cute elf to share over the next few days. Yay!
Anyway, thank you so much for reading! And some serious double stuffed thanks to my lovely patrons:
Danypooh80
Amy Connolly
If you want to help support my writing, my Twitch aspirations, and my goal to create a fun, pro-fandom community, please check one of these places (or my bio) for more information:
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Drunk Punch Love: INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL
Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)
Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)
Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love
INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL: 143 Days
Garrus enjoyed the setup for jobs, and boy did he love the payoff, but there was one part that could really grind his plates.
The waiting.
To keep the crew safe and take the mercs off guard, they always got the right intel to set the gangs up. They'd make a killbox, lure them in, and use everything in their arsenal to knock 'em out before they even knew what was happening.
This hit, they were freeing an Asari captive from Eclipse. Well, she used to be one of them. But when Alla wanted out, Eclipse made it... difficult for her. The mercs were taking her out to this dock to be spaced, and Garrus and the team were waiting to stop that.
With them was Alla's half-brother, Oliver. His human mother had an affair with Alla's Eclipse mother when Ollie was a few years old. He didn't know about her until his mom was on her deathbed. Inconvenient timing, since just about the same time Eclipse almost got Alla killed, prioritizing a cash drop over her safety.
The night she was packing was the night Ollie called her on the extranet, and during their call Eclipse took her. Within the hour, Ollie quit his military post in the Alliance, because he'd be damned if he let his baby sister die.
So there they were, waiting, hiding in the overhang of the space dock and a few other key vantage points.
As far as their intel went, there was supposed to be a whole squad overseeing her execution, to make sure things went right. Apparently Alla knew too much for it to be any other way.
But once Eclipse got there, Garrus and co. would make sure to change that plan.
For now, they just twiddled their goddamn thumbs. Butler, his cover fire next to him, went real twitchy when he got bored.
Over the comms, though, he could tell a few others were getting antsy, too. Ollie most of all. "Christ, what if they bring her in her gear and there's other Asari? We can't shoot the wrong one."
Garrus tried to bring some levity. "Via, we just won't shoot the one who doesn't have a gun and isn't shooting at us. It'll be okay."
Butler added, "Anyway, Eclipse wouldn't have kept her in their gear. Trust me. I know." The scowl that Butler got made Garrus curious, but it probably wasn't the best time to ask. Anyway, it was easy to guess that this wasn't Nikolai's first Eclipse execution.
Much better at trying to keep spirits up, Sidonis piped in. "Hey, we got this, Via. We set up traps, hacked the doors, have some flash bangs and anti-biotic ammo. This is going to be a clean rescue. You'll get to meet your sister."
Ryel chuckled on the other end. "Hope you like her. If you didn't that'd be awkward." Garrus almost growled. Ryel could be a little shit sometimes.
"When we talked, she was ready to try to be a family. I don't give a shit if it was just because she wanted asylum. That's enough." Via sighed and added, "Anyway, I could see elcor theatre posters in her room. My mom loved them, too."
"Who would pay to see an elcor act?" Danit didn't seem as moved or amused as everyone else.
Gibbon cut in. "It's a matter of sentimentality for Oliver. When one misses a person, they attach to familiar memories. Though elcor acting is banal, his mother and Alla share the interest and therefore ties his sentimentality to both women."
"I think he was asking about the elcor part, not what it meant." Butler chuckled next to him. "But people like weird shit. My Nalah likes-"
"Hanar music, we know." Jawth was grumbling, but his voice got quieter as he added, "My brother used to have a pet Varren. Makes me bitter sometimes to shoot 'em."
"And Sidonis has all those old comic books. And Danit has his puzzlebox from his father. And Gibbon has his old STG tags, but just because he got to burn them. We all have our sentimental bullshit. Now stop crying or you idiots will set off my traps." Ro wasn't exactly one for these conversations, and Garrus wasn't surprised by his outburst.
But luckily, no one gave a shit about his crankiness. Ryel instead just continued talking. "I used to have a friend when I was a kid, an army brat. When my family was helping the Alliance, she didn't treat me like an alien freak. I still have the bracelet she gave me when I left. She called it Kolodochka, whatever the hell that means."
Garrus was getting flashbacks to all of Shepard's random dialect inserts. "Wait, isn't that Russian?"
"No clue." Looking at Butler, the man also shrugged. Great, so now he had a weird part of his brain collecting and flipping through Shepard memories, and no one had any answers for him. He could feel the back of his neck heating up, wondering if she had ties to Ryel. Didn't she tell him, on Noveria, that she kissed a Drell in a closet or something? Ryel interrupted his thoughts, though. "Why do you ask?"
Caught way off guard at this point, words just starting spilling out of his mouth. "I don't know a lot about human culture, but I had a... friend whose mother was from Russia. It came up a lot. She even danced ballet to classic Russian music when she was stressed- wait, Spirits, she wouldn't want me talking about that."
Across the line, Ro snorted. "Sounds like Garrus had a Russian girlfriend. That's a surprise."
Okay, he was officially over all this conversation. "Don't have a thing for humans, Ro. Now get it together before you pop the suit laughing and ruin your own traps." Everyone was quickly distracted by his joke, and started talking low about their strategies and who made what better thing.
But next to him, Butler cut his comms and asked, "But you did like her, didn't you?"
Garrus was not about to deal with this shit again. "No. Now focus on the mission."
"C'mon, I'm the married one. If anyone gets it, I do. What was her name?"
Throughout his skull, Shepard's name started beating like an unstoppable drum. And he didn't need that right now, not when he was moving forward with his life. He was supposed to be moving forward. That's what you did when you lost people, and he couldn't keep falling into traps and looking back.
He couldn't keep looking back for her. She wasn't coming back.
"Butler, I'm not asking you again."
"Garrus, you don't-"
Before he could say another word, there was a crash down below. Over comms, Danit's monotone voice was a pitch or two higher. "Where the hell did they come from? The door wasn't triggered."
Using the sights on his sniper, Garrus pin-pointed an equally shocked looking woman. She was steadying herself, tan skin sweaty, a smirk on her lips despite the clear tension in her muscles. In her hand was a detonator. Shit.
Standing up, he had to act fast. Yelling down from his vantage point he said, "I don't know how the hell you got in here, but you're surrounded. Put the detonator down and nobody has to get hurt."
"Without this detonator, you're going to get hurt." He thought his spot was well hidden, but she tossed it up his way. It sailed with a lot more force than he thought a human arm was capable of. "You brought the wrong one."
Garrus grabbed the one she gave him and sent Gibbon a concerned look. After a quick look in his pack, Gibbon looked more alarmed than he did. "Shit. She's right."
"We can talk about you forgetting our detonator later." Looking down at the strange woman on the space dock floor, he asked, "Thanks? But how'd you know-"
"It's better you don't ask questions. Especially since your target will be here any second now. Just stay alive, Mr. Vakarian." She started to run towards the exit, but then added, "If you ever run into me again, name's Sam." And then before she hit the door, she disappeared completely.
Jawth was the first to say, "Why the hell don't we have that tech?"
They started to bicker about it, whether it be about the science behind it or the fact she didn't trigger a single trap. But Garrus was more concerned about the fact she found them and that there was a chance they could run into her again.
If they didn't have the right detonator, in theory the job would've still worked. In theory, she didn't need to come, whatever she was. But maybe she knew something they didn't.
Before he could even get a word in, join in on the confusion or hype, the doors started to open across the space dock. He shoved Butler's head back down and got behind cover. "Get down and shut up, we're about to have company."
And what company it was.
It was more than their contact told them; three squadrons and even a mech, loaned from the Blue Suns. Without Gibbon's explosives, they might've lost some people trying to fight it out. Whoever the mysterious "Sam" was, she helped save their asses.
But chatter about the disappearing woman was overruled by getting the dangerously weak Alla back to base and realizing they were making bigger splashes than ever before.
In some ways, it was thrilling, knowing they were getting this far underneath the mercs' skin. Others? They had some powerful targets on their backs. While he felt a little cynical and sour about the situation, Sidonis was much more positive. While they watched Butler's doctor wife patch Ollie's sister up, he said, "They've started noticing us, Garrus."
"I'm pretty sure they always noticed us."
"No, you don't get it. They expect shit to go haywire sometimes, or that a rando might play hero. But we're doing more than that now." Sidonis shook his head, looking at the people around the room, like he was in awe. "They hear us now and they're scared. Scared enough to bring 3 squadrons to an execution they heard we might raid."
Sidonis patted his back and walked out of the room. No matter how grumpy he wanted to be, Garrus had to admit Sidonis was right. This meant they were changing things.
But that didn't mean he had to feel secure about it quite yet. What he needed to do was prepare for the pushback. Sidonis could be their silver lining guy; Garrus was there to keep them alive.
And dammit, he was not about to lose anyone just because they wanted to save lives and some asshole decided to snuff them out. Not again.
It was time for some upgrades.
///
Now, this is going to be weird for me so bear with me. Time to hype up the patron aspect of this all. Patronage helps me spend more time on my writing and interactions with you guys, as well as get closer to my goal of making a super creative Twitch channel (gaming, write with me, fun readings). For the lowest tier ($1), you guys get access to my T-Day Blogs talking about my stories and ideas and future plans, access to a fandom-friendly discord, and vote on the monthly "beach episode" for Drunk Punch Love.
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Drunk Punch Love 2: Chapter 6
Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)
Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)
Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love
AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089466/chapters/54170929
Part 2- Chapter 6: The Lobsters
Walking up the steps out of the hold under engineering, Shepard was half convinced she needed to wash out her fucking ears. She'd spent the past 24 hours with Jack, helping her set up her room in the lowest deck of the ship. While she thought it was a little claustrophobic, the mildly crazy biotic insisted it was cozy. With a more colorful vocabulary, of course.
After spending some time with her, Anya just found it best to accept her statements at face value. At the very least, she had a richer breadth of swear words and new ways to insult people. Maybe she could get Jack to spend some time with EDI so that the AI didn't just learn all her humor from Joker.
Overall, though, she was a little overwhelmed. Everything with Jack was anger, sharp objects, and a paint bucket of angst. It was exhausting. Anya would normally complain about her to her face, but she was pretty sure she just learned what kind of person she'd be if she went mob instead of military, and she wasn't sure she liked that.
And she had to admit, the woman was damn powerful. So, she just tried to be as understanding and civil as possible. From what the dossier said, and the few snippets in conversation, she went through hell. Made sense she'd be pissed as hell, too. For now, she'd just give Jack some space to adjust.
Granted, she might've been open to a little more "space" after bedroom setup because a few hours before Chakwas had pinged her that a certain turian was awake and setting himself up in the main battery. Despite the fact she needed a damn nap, she was headed there the second she could sneak off away from Jack.
She also had already pinged EDI on a private channel to please not interrupt them unless it was an emergency, and not to tell anyone where she was. The AI was lovely and compliant. Anya had to admit, over the last few days, she was growing on her.
Couldn't tell Joker that, though, he'd call her a traitor.
Walking up to Garrus' new door, she took a deep breath and knocked. He didn't even ask, or say anything. The metal just slid open and Garrus was there, smiling at her. "Heard you might be coming down to see me."
Anya bubbled with awkward laughter as she walked into the battery and the door closed behind her. "W-who told you that?"
"EDI. She said you wanted to see me and wanted to get permission to shut off comms to my room." He chuckled and Anya wished it was more annoying than it was endearing. "Guess you really want to talk, huh?"
With a glare tossed to the ceiling comms, Anya said, "Okay, I'm with Joker. The AI's a traitor."
"What?"
"Nevermind. I'm just happy you're up and walking around." Anya leaned her elbows against the railing by his station. "Like the new space?"
Garrus followed suit and stood right next to her, but he faced the tech instead of the door. All that really mattered was that his blue eyes were looking at her. "Do I like having a room to myself where I can calibrate guns and not hear Wrex and Williams bicker? Of course." His laughter faded and Shepard knew what he was thinking, talking about the two of them. Garrus beat her to the punch, though, saying, "Granted, I don't think I'd mind hearing them bicker again if I could."
"Me neither."
"How'd the mission go?"
"Perfectly fine, Jack almost tore the ship in half with us in it and the warden was secretly selling his prisoners for spare parts. Oh, and I had to do some Commander bonding to make both Jack and Miranda less domineering assholes. But, y'know, typical."
"For you? Definitely."
Anya felt her cheeks blush at her next thought, but she couldn't help herself. Not when it was true. She did avoid looking at him, though, instead staring at her fingernails like there was anything interesting about their short, pink nubs. "It was distinctly lacking a sniper who likes to back-talk, though. I think it threw me off my A-game."
"I'm pretty sure we can have you covered for the next mission." Garrus paused, and Anya was tired of the weird distance she was putting between them by facing the door. She turned and copied his posture.
But when he got to talking again, his shoulder slumped and his eyes wouldn't meet hers. "Sorry I had to go comatose for a couple days. Doctor's orders, because apparently I didn't follow them well enough while conscious."
"Not a bad call. You're pretty damn stubborn." Lightly, almost like he might break, she bumped his shoulder with hers. Anya didn't know it would feel so nice, doing the casual friendship stuff with him again. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "How are you holding up, after Omega?"
"I don't know." Garrus laughed, but she recognized it as the hollow, empty kind he used when shit really wasn't that funny. Before she could ask more, he sarcastically countered, "How do you like coming back from the dead and waking up a Cerberus play toy?"
"Not funny."
"I'm mostly kidding." He bumped her shoulder back, the way they used to on the old Normandy, like they were tossing little touches of support at each other with each brush. "I just want to know how you're coping. We can go back to my fun new trauma if you really want, but I need to know you're doing okay. I won't shut up about it until you tell me."
"I don't want to let your whole deal slide, but I will for now since you sound annoyingly sincere. Honestly? Being reborn in a Cerberus lab isn't the worst. They give me a lot of liberties and I get to call the shots. It's like Spectres but with a much shinier, much shadier bank account." Anya leaned harder into her elbows, bit her cheek, and looked at him. He looked so genuine and kind that she could vomit. Made her want to talk more than she was used to with the others. There he was, back at it again, making her talk about everything. "Funny thing about Cerberus, no matter how much of an asshole the Illusive Man is and how their ideals suck, it's the treatment that's the worst. I'm more like a godly legend here than I ever was in The Alliance. There, at least I was still one of the soldiers. Here, I'm a multi-million dollar resurrection project to save the universe." Anya sighed and got a little anxious at Garrus just staring at her. "Not that I wish I was still dead, but does mean I have had to accept the fact that I'm not really human anymore, not to the galaxy."
He was silent before poking her in the arm. She remembered the last time he did that; on her couch after Ash's funeral, when she didn't know if he was reaching for more. Luckily, this time, she didn't have any stupid expectations. It was just nice to be poked again. "Still seems like the same squishy human to me."
Anya laughed; laughed like she hadn't in ages. Everything about being here with him, it felt like her skin was ripping away, exposing every inch of muscle, every motion unbearably raw and painful. But she wouldn't dare thinking about being anywhere else, because she'd rather be raw with him than safe outside those. Doors. Looking up at his eyes, she said, "I missed you, Garrus."
"You think you missed me? You've missed me a couple weeks. I've missed you a couple years." Garrus chuckled and leaned in deeper to the railing, like his shoulders were getting too heavy. But his eyes didn't look like he was laughing. "You gave me a lot to agonize over. I should've known "I'll find you" was just heroic bullshit." But then, softer, more bitter, he laughed again. "But I guess you did find me, in that Omega deathtrap."
"How'd you end up there, anyway?"
"You really are going to make me do the tragic backstory thing, aren't you?" When he looked at her, he shook his head. Guess she wasn't the only one who felt like their friendship made them talk, even when they didn't really want to. "I wasn't in the best headspace after you died. Pent-up. Angry. I still am. My sister, Sol, helped me find a place to vent my frustrations and stop hearing your name." Garrus winced and flashed apologetic blue eyes at her. They were nicer than he probably realized, but Shepard felt that one in her gut. It was like a needle suddenly appeared and was threatening to pierce through. "No offense."
She looked away from him, because she knew he had every right to be upset with her. Hell, she was just happy he didn't hate her. But that didn't erase the years of pain that were all her fault and she couldn't forget that. Anya said, "I was the asshole who got myself killed, can't blame you."
But then his shoulder bumped hers, a little harder. "Not that. After all those talks with you about how being a hero hurt, I couldn't stand them turning you into a martyr. I knew Spectres would've been hell about that. I needed to find a place where you weren't a hero. Omega fit the bill."
Anya didn't know what to say. What could she say to someone who hated the galaxy she left behind because she leaned on him? Instead, she asked, "And then what?"
"What else? I ended up doing justice my way. And then I got too high on being team leader to realize it's weaknesses. We were betrayed by one of our own. I got lured away, and by the time I came back, everyone but two of my guys were dead. And those two only lasted a little over a day. I was alone, at the end. Just like when I lost you."
Again, Anya felt lost. Normally, her answer was to fix everything, but she put her own ass out of commission. Now all Garrus had were tragic memories that she couldn't change. The best she had were lame-ass condolences. "I can't bring back your team, but you have me." Even though she was starting to feel overwhelmed, Anya placed her hand on his and looked up at his face, something she cared about so much, and tried to make it clear that the universe hadn't forgotten him; she hadn't forgotten him. She wouldn't let it. "The dossier was a fluke, but I always planned on finding you. When The Illusive Man said you were missing, I couldn't think-."
Old Garrus would've pulled her into his arms and held her, but he just pulled away from her, stared down at his hands, and she could've sworn he looked guilty, maybe even angry. "I had to go underground. You were my best friend and you were dead. I had to do something."
Even though she didn't mean to, Anya felt her skin bristle. "So you turned into a merc-killer?"
He wouldn't even look at her now, just lost in the lines on his own talons. "Better a dumb hero than a useless one, buried under tape."
"You really would've been useless if you died." She wanted to reach for his hand again, but he already pulled away once. She just gave him a lame, weak bump against his shoulder again. With all the feelings washing over her, how could she have much else? Anya just tried her best to keep her composure, thinking about Omega. "You almost did, Garrus."
"On that balcony, I did die. That team got me through losing you. Without them, I was ready to take down as many goddamn mercs as possible before I went out. And then you showed up to save my ass, like you never died in the first place."
In that battery, there was definitely some tension and anger and guilt neither of them really knew how to process yet. And while they could talk in circles over things they weren't ready to face, Anya couldn't sit here, next to the turian she cared most about in the galaxy, and just make him think about the misery of it all. God knows how much she'd already done that while she was gone.
Instead, she just wanted to make him feel better.
"I'm sorry. Everything's fucked up." Anya shook her head and said what she should have said years ago, instead of always falling in his arms like he was made to hold her. It wasn't fair, not when he didn't... Well, she always pushed his boundaries and that wasn't fair, either, not when she knew she'd probably die. "I'm sorry if anything I did back then pushed you away. Or hurt you. I can't fix the fact that I died, but I should've been better, maybe left you with something more inspiring than-"
"Shepard, shut up."
"Don't. Let me try to start making up for what I did to you. I leaned on you. I made you participate in things that meant different things for each of us. I left you. I said I'd find you, but I didn't and I can't go back. Now is all I have."
When their eyes met, Garrus wasn't bitter or guilty anymore, but he still looked angry. And when he stood straight up, so much taller than her, she even felt somewhat intimidated. He looked down at her with such seriousness that it did make her shut up. "You don't need to apologize for being the hero you are." Suddenly, he was placing a hand on her arm, looking all over her shoulders, her skin, her legs, like he still couldn't believe she was there. "You're right, they're gone, and you're back and that's what we're dealing with. But if I could go back, I'd tell the most amazing woman in the galaxy that I was a scared idiot who kept pushing her away." Anya's brain was too fried to understand what he was saying, but he grabbed her hand and kept on going. "I couldn't believe what I felt. Not when you were... you and I was a lost ex-C-Sec officer clinging to you. I don't know if I feel sure or comfortable about any of it, but of course I care about you."
Scanning his face for any certainty, all Anya found was this desperate gaze that she'd never seen on him before. She just started blubbering, thinking of that morning after Noveria. Maybe he was talking about their friendship, and he thought her final words were about something platonic. She couldn't blame him, she never said anything overtly romantic, but she couldn't lie about it either. "I know that, but I meant-"
"Dammit Shepard. I know what you meant. I didn't know how to deal with it. But you died. I'm not going to push you away anymore so you can play perfect Commander. I thought you deserved Alenko or Liara back then. Closer to home, y'know? I was being an insecure asshole." If he knew what she meant... But Garrus just kept on talking before she could process, like if he stopped talking he'd lose the nerve. His hand squeezed hers. "But look at you. I never thought I'd see you again, let alone touch you or talk to you. For all the fucked up things that have happened to me, I don't know how I got so lucky."
"...Garrus..."
He took a step closer to her and Anya couldn't think over the sound of her heart beating. "I'm not smooth or romantic, and I'm not going to pretend I have a thing for humans. Just- Noveria meant something, okay? You chose me over Kaidan. You wanted me to stay the night. I'm not that fucking clueless. And I wanted it. But you were my CO and I thought we could never be anything but some drunk fantasy you got stuck on because you were lonely and hurt. I didn't want to encourage it." Another step, and he looked from their hands intertwined to her face with this screwed up look, like he was somewhere between vomiting and panicking. She understood the feeling. What also was there, though, was this softness that made her speechless. "But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep away from you."
"So you did know what I meant. But you said..."
"I know what I said and I was a damn liar."
With her heart drilling a jackhammer through her brain, she couldn't quite keep anything straight. Anya asked, "Are you sure?"
"You're impossible." Laughing, Garrus took a deep breath and kept going. She was thankful, because she would be stuttering and stumbling so hard by now that this conversation could've been classified as a verbal break. "Let's put it this way. All of us were devoted to you. But look at me. Everyone else moved on; I didn't. If I couldn't have you, the best I could do was be you."
"You did a pretty damn good job."
"No, I didn't. Yet even now you won't shut up about believing in me. Dammit Shepard, the fact that you believed my bullshit is absurd. I'm pretty sure everyone else knew how I felt. The least I can do is tell you now: I want to be with you." His handsome face and eyes fell, but his voice kept going and that was good. Because she could swear that voice was something she wished she could hear forever. "But we gotta be real here, I'm not the same person you said all those things to anymore. Omega and my team changed me. Losing you changed me. I don't know what that means for... us. If there even is an 'us". I'm half convinced none of the things I've just said make any sense."
Garrus might've been holding her hand, but he looked so unsure. She wished she could give him a good old Commander Shepard pep talk, but that wasn't what this was. This was something a lot more beautiful, and so very human.
So, all she had was an awkward human to give him. With a crackling cough, she said, "Call me Anya."
His eyes flicked up and met hers, confused. "What?"
"Off-duty, it's Anya. We can start there." She smiled and added, "I don't really know what to do about this either. I missed two whole years and I never knew you could- I know there's a lot I have to catch up on. But what I said before..." Anya was going to throw herself into a laser if she couldn't finish a sentence. She closed her eyes, took a breath, and then looked up at the handsome turian who made her feel like no one else. And she was fucknig terrified, but she said, "All it took is one look on Omega and you made me feel myself again. That matters. That's why you matter so much." When she laughed, it was so awkward that she wondered if someone could off her right now. Why in the hell did Garrus have any interest in her? That was far harder to wrap her head around than reciprocation.
Pulling her hand away, she ran her fingers through her hair and said, "And maybe next time we pass a bar, you can buy me a drink."
"I- I can do that."
"Good."
They stood next to each other for a minute, not really knowing what to say or do. Her entire body was an embarrassing, life-size blush and Garrus kept scratching his neck and wrists like he'd itch away how tragically embarrassed they both were.
Anya was a little upset she'd never bothered with relationships before. It would make her a lot less of an idiot at this moment, which was otherwise very important to her. Hell, maybe this is why Joker and Oksana used to tell her to go on dates and try out romance more, instead of focusing on work and dance. She hadn't felt so inept in years. Thank god they were alone, because he was the only one she could stand being so-
But then his voice cut through her thoughts. "One last confession?" Anya's head swiveled to look straight at him. His smile looked a lot more hopeful than she'd ever seen before, but it also kept wavering like he might pop a gasket. How sincere he looked made up for it and melted her heart all the way through the damn floor. "I respect Commander Shepard like hell. But those last few weeks on the Normandy? I was starting to like Anya a lot better."
Tragically, Anya felt her eyes tear up. Even without the confession shit, hearing someone she cared about say that? Damn, did that mean a lot to her. Garrus put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it, which did not help the weird whirlpool of overwhelmed feelings. She knuckled away any stray tears as quickly as she could. "Now that I'm not being a lying asshole, I gotta admit you're pretty adorable when you try not to cry."
Anya punched his shoulder. "Vakarian, I swear I will kill you-"
"Also cute when you try to threaten my life."
"Both you and Wrex need to work on what you find endearing." She crossed her arms and tried to take slower breaths and prayed her face cooled off. She needed to stop being such an embarrassment. Garrus also needed to work on what he found endearing since he liked her like this, messy and red and almost crying.
Next to her, he cocked his head sideways. "What do you mean?"
"Before... When we dropped him off, he was proud of people wanting to kill him? And I told him he shouldn't find that charming?" Anya realized that even though the memory was fresh for her, only a few weeks ago, Garrus hadn't seen Wrex in two years. She grimaced and facepalmed. "This whole time jump thing is going to be weird for a while, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it will be. But I'll be here for you like always."
Anya had to deflect; at this point she needed to, or her best friend was about to turn her entire body into a giant tomato with no chance of turning back to its normal color. With a very uneven laugh that cycled through several pitches, she said, "Just realized, you don't even know if I still feel the same way about you. You just assumed. Bold of a so-called insecure asshole."
"How could anyone not love this face?" He paused, and poked her cheek. "And no offense, but look at your face." Before she could get mad, he continued, "In all seriousness, I didn't know until you looked at me in med-bay."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, it was when your Commander face was finally down. Even though you only looked for a few days and I looked for a few years, I knew that smile. And I can't tell you how much I wanted to hold you again, seeing you look as relieved as I felt."
Anya wanted to curl up in the corner because her entire body was warm and awkward. She had to be upgrading from tomato to cooked lobster. "You say you're not good at romantic..."
"Give me a minute. I'll say something wonderfully unsexy."
No matter how much she totally loved being embarrassed and impressed and feel her heart beat out of her chest, she did say what she came down here to say. And, she had other things to do. Looking up at his bright blue eyes, she sighed in disappointment. She really couldn't stay down here and look at them all day, could she? "Would love to, but I have some mission reports to go over." She also needed a cold shower and a nap, too.
They stood in front of each other and just kinda stood stiff, neither really knowing what to do. Anya just nodded and started sliding her way towards the door. When she was almost out, all the fuzzy feelings in her chest couldn't help but add, "Two years, and I still found you."
"Yeah, you did, A-Anya." Garrus winced so hard that she could see his flexing muscles ripple throughout his shoulders. Yep, needed a cold shower. Scratching his head, his face looked pained when he said, "Dammit, first time using your first name and I say it like you have a gun to my head. Perfect."
Anya just kept walking very slowly through the open door. "And there it is. The awkward turian of my dreams." After she said that, her entire body caved in, turning into some sort of horrific modern art piece about social suffering. Covering her face with both hands, she rubbed her cheeks and shook her head. How were they two of the galaxy's top soldiers? The universe had terrible taste. They were pathetic. "Fuck, we both need to work on this. But for now, with that horrible, cringey statement, I should go."
Before she could reach the hallway, he stepped forward and squeezed her hand, giving a wink. Every organ in her abdomen fluttered. She was a little bitter that the man had his moments of being so damn charming. "As long as you promise to come back."
Like the horribly awkward grub of a human she was, she shook his hand, then let it go. "I will."
Turning on her heel, she walked away from the battery and hoped space lightning struck her dead before she ran into anyone. Luckily, no one paid any attention to the freshly embarrassed, cherry-colored human walking across the crew deck and into the elevator.
Anya was absolutely pathetic, definitely even more than he was, but she also couldn't help but feel her heart dance a goddamn jitterbug in her chest.
She did need a shower and a nap and to go over some mission reports, but before that she pinged the only other confidant she had. My answer changed. The reunion was good. Really good.
Joker responded a few seconds after she started prepping the water. She checked her datapad one last time to read, Great! Do I get to win the dating pool, then? I bet 50 credits on your big, obvious turian crush.
Staring at her screen, Anya snorted, but played coy. I didn't say anything about dating.
Don't make me force EDI to pull up the footage.
With an eye-roll, Anya replied, I'll send you 300 credits if you shut up.
Sounds like a deal. A pause. Extorting you about your dating life is great, I've really missed out all these years.
Fuck off, Joker.
Happy you're happy, Anya.
///
I love this chapter sososososo much. It's super long, but I always knew I wanted them to talk about their feelings instead of playing the slow burn forever. I feel like people who were as close as they were would always struggle not just letting their feelings fall out of their mouths. Instead, our conflict is them being awkward middle schoolers falling in love and trying to save the galaxy.
Thanks so much for reading. Even more thanks to my lovely patrons:
Danyell Jones
Amy Connolly
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