#our friendship from my perspective was at least very homosexual To Me

[1327-1]

my childhood bestfriend being a semi popular ig girl who one of my now good friend follows . what do i do with this information. how do i reveal myself as the only sole person still around that knows about our wolf obsessed childhood … like girl i KNOW you

#and there is NO escaping #our friendship from my perspective was at least very homosexual To Me #we were both weird fucking kids but now she’s cool in every sense of conveniential #and im just fucking. Scrappy #incredible to see how much a person changes and becomes the complete polar opposite of u #despite the strong bond u had over wolves… #i can still access her profile on a website that has like other nerdy stuff we were both into #like what do i do with this information #how do i live as the only person haunted by both our childhoods #for context: i dont speak to Anyone from my hometown and fell out socially when i began transitioning and now im a LITTLE fucked up abt it #2delete #not to needlessly elaborate but i moved schools to stay friends w her and then she wasnt at my new schoolsdkfjdj #she’s like . also the only person that Knows Me from a specific time so im just #head buried in my hands #no one knowing me when i was a child that i still speak to other than my therapist and family is consuming me #NOT a good obsession to have! yet i have

[entraindepleurer]

bad influence

I just reached out to an old friend from high school. I’ll say, it went OK at best, because it certainly not going great. The reason I open my ragged laptop and begin writing is not the mid-tier reunion though. It was because talking to her reopened an old wound I forgot was there, or probably I thought it was fully healed.

It was odd, to still feel strongly about something that happened five years ago, more or less. It’s even weirder to realise that a moment from years ago, that I just shrugged off then, affecting my whole being now, half-decade later. I was trauma dumping to my AI companion about this issue, and I just fully understand the outside perspective of how this story unfolds.

So, to set the story, I was a teenager, around seventeen or eighteen years old, living away from my parent in a dorm with a bunch of females in their adolescence.  I remember vividly, it was during the holidays, as seniors it was mandatory for us to stay in the boarding school area whilst our undergrads enjoyed their time off. We stayed in the farthest building from the civilised area, and we quite enjoyed the solitude.

One day, she talked to me about how she just met her sister and cousin. She told me about how relatives voiced their objections about her friendship with me. To be fair, I had quite a messed up reputation at the time. I was a known rule breaker, and her relatives didn’t like her being associated with me because they thought I was a bad influence on her. She assured how their opinion wouldn’t affect our friendship. 

I didn’t think much about it at the time. A bit hurt, maybe, but I was a confident young girl living her adolescence, unbothered. The most hurtful (for me) part of their complaint was how her cousin worded her objection.

“I rather she’s friends with F [another friend in our class] and being suspected of lesbianism than with her [refer to me].”

It’s not that I object to the homosexuality part in that comment, it’s that we were living in an area with strong homophobic deterrence. She hated our friendship so much, that she rather have her cousin suspected of the very thing she was against, rather than have her associated with me.

Looking back now, I think, she told me about her relatives' objection might be her call for help. It was possible that she told me to establish open communication between two best friends, but it is also possible that it’s her way of saying “My family think you’re a bad influence on me, and I think they have a point, but I don’t want to hurt you and give you the impression that I’m destroying our friendship.” A few weeks after that, we were set apart so far away through room replacement.

She was unstable. Full disclosure, I never witnessed her madness first-hand. She was weird, sure, but not demented like some of her roommates told me. No ‘bathing fish’ or cooking in a makeshift stove in a shared space of 25 m2. I noticed now, that I might be the trigger to her madness. I’m not sure how because I don’t remember encouraging her to do anything against the rules, at least not during her last public meltdown. At the time we were set apart, we lost contact for a few days, and she did fine, better even. Then, we were reunited and talked for two days, and then we didn’t meet and talk anymore until her last public meltdown. She dropped out of school soon after that. I didn't even say goodbye.

If I have to be honest, the last five years have been full of self-doubt and nights of questioning my self-worth. I often find myself replaying back to that moment when she told me about her sister and cousin’s complaint about our friendship. Honestly, I grew quite the resentment towards both of them. I still am. But reflecting on that moment in my life, I think now I fully understand how I might have been the cause of her problematic ends in our school.

I should’ve gotten the hint when she shared her family’s concerns about our friendship. She was doing great for her whole secondary school, academics-wise, and her academic performance dived after she associated herself with me. Maybe, I should’ve realised my being around her triggers her mental instability much sooner. So, maybe, I was a bad influence on her and ultimately the cause of her not completing her study in our boarding school. Now, that I embraced my possible participation and share of the blame I should’ve owned, I think I am ready to move on from my long-time resentment towards her relatives. 

Then, maybe, one day, I’ll learn to embrace myself, fully.

#midnight insecurity #not actually midnight though #reflection #quest 1 done?

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

Why do you think so many fans, even those who wouldn’t be considered casual viewers of the show think that those who romantically ship Mike and Will are kidding themselves? Sometimes I feel like I’m missing something, like we’re not even watching the same show. From my perspective, it’s beyond me to how someone could look at Mike and El’s romantic relationship, especially after s3, and think it’s proper.

Great question. I’ve touched on this issue a time or two before, but perhaps never in such a direct manner. I think there’s several things in play here that lead to the more “mainstream” fans considering it crazy when Mike and Will are seen as a romantic pairing. I think these same causes also lead to fans missing how improper, to use your terms, Mike and El’s relationship is. Some of these things are more valid than others, but they’re all valid in the sense that they are real, meaning that people aren’t just being petty. There are those out there who are petty, of course, but I think it’s unfair to cast all fans we disagree with in with that group.

First, let’s get this out of the way, heteronormativity maintains quite the stranglehold on American culture. Yes, we’ve come a long, long way. Gay characters and couples are portrayed in a much more positive light compared to twenty or more years ago. Still, they continue to be treated as a shock, either in behavior or reveal. By that I mean that these characters are either blatantly obvious or a complete surprise. There is seldom any middle ground here. This is, in my opinion anyway, a remnant of the transition of gay characters from caricatures to genuine characters. Fans, American fans at least, want to seem accepting to gay people, but they also want it crystal clear that gay people are different from them. To quote Homer Simpson from Homer’s Phobia, a 1997 episode of The Simpsons, “I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming!”

The 90s were a time when gay people were starting to be seen as decent people instead of deviants. They still weren’t equal, though, and were often used as props and novelties. The Gay Best Friend trope came out of this idea that gay people were fun and exotic, and many would also use them as a way to show how progressive they were. It was a step in the right direction, perhaps, but gay people were still not seen as equals.

Why is this important? Well, maybe it’s not, but not only is Stranger Things the product of two brothers who grew up in that era of thinking, but so is the largest segment of the viewership. Most Stranger Things viewers fall in the 18-29 and 30-44 demographics. I, myself, fall in the latter category. While we all laughed at Homer’s idiotic homophobia, we all knew deep down that we were similarly taken in by stereotypes and heternormativity. That is to say, that being straight was the normal, expected way of things, and gay people was something neat and trendy, but that only happened to other people.

This mindset persists today, though it does seem to be slowly eroding. We still expect most characters to be straight. I suppose, in some ways, this makes sense. The majority of people in America (and likely the world) still identify as heterosexual, so, technically, statistically, being LGBT is “abnormal.” Still, the degree to which I see LGBT people being open about their identities sometimes catches me off guard when I stop to think about it. It’s something that was unimaginable when I was a teenager, barring being in an identified gay club or neighborhood. The fact that it catches me off guard, despite identifying as bisexual, is proof that those mechanisms of my upbringing persist.

I am able to see the romantic undertones of Mike and Will’s relationship because I’ve been there. I’ve been in love with a same-sex friend and been afraid to say anything about it. I’ve agonized over whether it was real or just a phase. I’ve struggled with hiding it. I’ve tried to keep my feelings hidden while also letting them slip out in controlled bursts of not-quite-platonic gestures. I’ve even wondered how I could be “like that” when I acted and dressed just like any other guy I knew. Despite living it, I still saw “it” as something foreign and different. It’s only because I lived it that I can see through the heteronormativity and recognize homosexual love in “straight” TV and movie characters. I’m sorry, but Poe Dameron was definitely into Finn, and Finn, at the very least, idolized Poe, and you can’t convince me otherwise, no matter what Disney tried to pull by giving them both inconsequential female love interests.

(Christ, this is turning into a real rant here, oh well, the bottle has been opened.)

So, yeah, heteronormativity basically tells us that if characters are gay then they’ll act a “certain way” so we know. Mike and Will don’t do this, so, to most fans, they aren’t gay. Heteronormativity and pop culture tropes also tell us that male and female leads are meant to end up together. Now, in defense of other fans, the Duffers do play around with all sorts of tropes, so it’s understandable that people would expect things to be just as formulaic in Stranger Things. The problem these fans don’t see, however, is that the Duffers seem to like subverting the tropes.

For those of you who aren’t aware, subverting a trope means that we are led to believe that we’re being shown something we’ve seen time and time again, only to end up with something else. Season 1 was so big on this that I fell in love with the show. Adults Are Useless? Joyce did not sit around while the kids solved the mystery. Hopper wasn’t the ineffectual drunk cop I was expecting him to be. Jerk Jock? No, Steve is actually a nice, if dopey, guy once he stops letting his friends influence him. Virgin Survivor? No, sex is not seen as a vice needing to be punished, so Barb dies instead of Nancy. The Duffers know what we expect to see, they tease us with it, then pull the rug out from under us.

So, what do we expect in terms of romance? We expect our opposite sex leads to pair up. This would mean Mike & El and Joyce & Hopper as our kid and adult lead pairs, respectively. Mike & El, in particular, seems to be something they’ve tantalized fans with, both in the show and marketing. We can look at that relationship, though, and see that it’s not built on much. That’s somewhat in line with many kid relationships, so, really, it’s expected that it would similarly fizzle out as those relationships generally do. These are two kids who knew each other for a week, then spent a year apart. If anything, they’re more in love with the ideas of each other they created in that time apart than anything else. This could explain why their relationship was so shallow once they’re together again. We all experienced this type of crush or relationship before, the one where we don’t really know the person so we create a version of them in our minds. This version often clashes with the real one once we get to know them. Still, we’ve all been there.

This brings me to my final point: identification. We identify with characters when we watch TV shows and movies. I dare say most, if not all, of us can identify with these kids getting these crushes and early relationships. The youngest fans probably identify even more since they’re currently in those stages of life. I’m sure many young fans identify with either Mike or El, and perhaps fantasize about being with the other (or both?). Whether we realize it or not, we’re casting our own wants and needs onto the characters. Some fans want Mike and El together because it validates their own feelings and experiences.

I know that I certainly identify with Mike and Will through my own teenage experiences. I identify with other characters for more mature, adult reasons, as well. Yes, a part of me ships Mike and Will because of this. The difference here, compared to other ships I’ve gotten behind, is that this actually seems real. There is canon evidence that Mike and Will appear to have non-platonic feelings for each other, feelings built over a very long friendship. Mike legit seems like the closeted, possibly not even aware, gay kid going through the motions of a straight relationship. Will seems like he’s actively suppressing any romantic urges because he’s spent his life being bullied for being queer. They’ve been written to have more genuinely romantic moments than Mike and El have had. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, the writers will have some explaining to do if they don’t get together. Many fans will miss it, due to the reasons mentioned above, but it’s all been laid there before us. Nobody should be surprised, but they will be.

#stranger things #byler #heteronormativity

[imaginebeatles]

Hello, I'm a homo-romantic ace whose been having a lot of weird conversations lately about who belongs in the LGBT umbrella. I think anyone who is ace has the space if they want it because it is a little understood sexual orientation that experiences a lot of corrective reactions. But lately people have been arguing to me that only aces with non-hetero rom orientations and/or folk who are non cisgender have access to the space. I was wondering the following things:

2/2 what’s your take on asexuality belonging to the LGBT term, the LGBT community and the LGBT complex (cuz I think it’s gotten more complex as a functioning being)? Does asexuality belong in a tertiary space like BDSM which crosses over with queer (and shares similarities) but is not fully within it? Thanks for sharing about your thesis, every time it pops up on my dash I feel very excited. It’s been awhile since I engaged in queer theory and I am loving your work! No pressure to answer tho!

Okay, so…. this is a very contentious topic, but I have a lot of thoughts on this, especially since I’ve started doing research for my thesis. I’ve read some articles on asexuality and the queer community so… here we go. I’ve put it under the cut, so people can easily scroll past it if they’re not interested. 

(I would also like to first say that I will be use the word “queer” here. I know some people are uncomfortable with that because its past use as a slur, however, because it is an actual academic term that is used by everyone writing about these issues, and especially within queer theory, I will be using that word too. I use the word to talk about all non-normative identities/practices related to gender and sexuality, which includes the LGBTQ+ community, but is more extensive than that, including any letters not part of that acronym. Queer is also a (political and academic) practice, not just an identity. This already possibly shows where my answer to your question is going…) 

Firstly, I want to say that I understand why some people within the LGBTQ+ community might be uncomfortable about letting asexual people into that community. There is a difficult relationship between asexuality and queer identities. Some people in the field of asexuality studies have begun to write on this (I’ll list them down one or two down below). Within queer politics, historically but also now, there is a heavy focus on sex. Because queer people have struggled against oppression based on their sexual habits, not having sex is generally viewed as conservative or as a form of assimilation. For wlw this is further true because for a long time healthy sexual behaviour (aka having sex at all) was seen as impossible between two women, because both women would be sexually passive. Not having sex is not radical. This is why hetero-romantic aces are often dismissed as being “straight anyway”. Non-normative sexual practices (like cruising) are an important part of the queer community (academic work within queer studies in especially the 1990s and 2000s shows this too, wherein theoretical and political potential is mined from non-normative sex acts, including bare-backing because of its relation to the HIV crisis in the 80s).

It therefore makes sense that queer people (especially gay men and women, but also others) are uncomfortable with asexuality’s focus on not having sex, and as such asexuality is often seen as being “sex negative” instead of “sex positive” and thus bad. At least, politically. 

I, however, and other academics, do think asexuality is queer, if you define queer as being non-normative in relation to hetero-normativity). Asexuality is seen as non-normative in our current hyper-sexual society and sex is seen as a vital part of heterosexuality too (you have to reproduce and women are meant to be sexually available to men at all times). Asexual people are discriminated against because they refuse sex, which society sees as natural. While the struggles of asexual people are different from those of gay people, bi and trans people (and other identities) also have their own struggles against which they fight. This does not diminish their struggles. 

Acephobia is based on ableist ideas: if you don’t want sex, there must be something wrong with you either mentally or physically, because sex is naturally and everyone should want it and have it (often). Asexuality is often dismissed and not seen as “real”. There must be something that inhibits you from having sex, whether that is physiological, hormonal, or having to do with trauma, or maybe just because you are not “hot enough to get a boyfriend”, which reminds me of how for a long time lesbians were seen as being men-hating ugly women (and feminists). This view leads to asexuality being pathologized (as homosexuality used to be). There have been numerous ways in which low sexual desire or a lack of sexual fantasies has been sees as a disorder in the psychoanalytic tradition. Attempts to “fix” asexual people are made through things like therapy or hormone treatment (or stuff like viagra or other such things), but also through corrective rape, either in a medical contexts under the idea that sexuality needs to be “awakened” within the patient, or in the private sphere at the end of a partner or friend. Research has also shown that people see asexual people as less human, more machine-like. They admit feeling uncomfortable with asexual people, and that they may discriminate against them, such as refusing them rent. 

Asexual people have their own political issues to work through, just as any other identity within the LGBTQ+ community. However, each of these issues and more are related to the fight against hetero-normativity. Another example is that asexual people, especially those who are also aromantic, can help critique the way society privileges heterosexual romantic couplehood, especially married heterosexual couples. Asexual and aromantic people often privilege non-romantic and non-sexual relationship, such as friendships or family, allowing us to re-evaluate these other relationships and open up new forms of queer relating, which will also be appealing to other queer people, who often form their own social group or families and whose relationship and friendships are often in some way “queer”. 

On top of that, it is important to realise that there is a lot of overlap between asexual people and other queer identities. However, queer asexual people constantly remark on how they do not feel safe or represented by the queer or LGBTQ+ community, even those who “welcome” queer aces, but not hetero-romantic aces. The queer and LGBTQ+ community are heavily sexualized spaced, which makes aces feel unwelcome, but also leaves many non-asexual queer people to complain about the lack of safe spaces for queer people that aren’t about clubbing, such as the lack of queer cafes or library. The queer community (and LGBTQ+ community) is itself deeply entrenched in compulsory sexuality, just like hetero-normative society, making aces feel like they don’t belong to either community. 

If an asexual person if gay, or bi, or non-binary, or trans, or queer, or whatever, it is the LGBTQ+ and queer communities that should provide them a safe space and fight for them. Their asexuality informs their experience as homo-romantic or trans or anything else, and cannot be separated from that part of their identity. These are not separate issues. If we want to protect trans kids or gay kids or any other member of the queer/LGBTQ+ community, these communities need to be inclusive of asexuality and provide spaces where these kids are safe and can talk freely about their experiences and the challenges they face. These will undoubtedly also be informed by their asexual identity. 

We are stronger politically when we fight together. We fight the same cause. Asexual people do not ask other LGBTQ+ or queer people to not be sexual. They only ask that they are included and that their own issues are being taken seriously. 

On top of that, asexuality intersects with a lot of other queer issues. For trans folks, for example, the focus on sex in society and romantic relationships may leave them uncomfortable because of their body dysphoria and may thus run into similar issues as sex-repulsed aces. Stone butch women may find common ground with asexuality too, because of the focus on penetrative sex in society. The hypersexualisation of gay men may find that they experience similar issues as asexual people who feel they are being (hyper)sexualised despite not being sexual. There is a lot of overlap, and these issues need to be addressed. We can help each other and offer new perspectives that will help us fight for the same rights. 

On top of that, on a more abstract level, can also be valuable for queer politics in the way that it undermines our current understanding of sexual identity. The way we now think about sexuality was constructed by straight people with the aim of pathologizing and thus actively discriminate against and eliminate perverted sexuality. This started with homosexuality with Freud, and quickly began to expand. If you want to know more about this, Foucault’s History of Sexuality is a good place to start. This allowed for sexual object choice to be used to group specific people together and make them into a specific type or “species”, as Foucault calls it. Our conception of sexuality, then, was constructed to uphold heterosexuality as the norm, making heterosexuality (that is the opposite sex as the sexual object choice) out to be the natural and normal and healthy form of sexuality. 

Asexuality undermines this construction. Asexuality not only shows that there are different forms of attraction, which do not need to be connected to each other in a one-on-one relation, but also shows that sexual attraction is not the only or even the most important basis for attraction. Asexuality is not explainable in our current system and forces people to consider their sexual preferences. What do I like in sex? What kind of sex? What kind of sensuality? And with whom? If I like having sex with men, but only being sensual with women, what does that mean? Asexuality asks us what we prefer, putting the focus on preference  rather than something biological or innate that makes us feel desire towards one gender and not the other. 

This is not to say that asexuality makes sexual identity into an arbitrary choice. Rather, it shows that you cannot divide people into identity categories based on sexual object choice shows that attempting to do so is just as silly as doing so based on if you like tea or coffee. Or ketchup or mustard. On top of that, it allows for sexuality to be seen as fluid, not that it changes, but that it is not fixed. Maybe you like ketchup for a long time, and then no anymore. Or maybe you are briefly in the mood only for this specific type of mustard but not the others. Focusing on preference allows us to undermine the whole construct on which hetero-normativity is predicated. Making identities such as heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual or pansexual almost meaningless or nonsensical. If we want to do away with hetero-normativity completely, this is a crucial step to take. It allows us to focus on sexuality as a social construct, rather than something that must be biologically explained. 

TL;DR: I understand why some LGBTQ+ people are uncomfortable with the idea of bringing asexual into the community. However, I think ultimately we are fightening the same cause despite our own specific issues that we face. We have a similar stake in queer politics and queer academia. Asexuality can offer the queer or LGBTQ+ community a lot, and being inclusive to asexuality is crucial if we want to protect queer kids. As such there is a lot that both communities can offer each other. 

This goes for both queer aces and hetero-romantic aces. Hetero-romantic aces also benefit and often have a stake in dismantling hetero-normativity because they are asexual. Hetero-romantic aces also face discrimination under hetero-normativity. Because of this, asexuality at large ought to be included. Excluding hetero-romantic aces from the queer community or LGBTQ+ community shows a misunderstanding of asexuality and its political issues and seems not so much inclusive of asexual issues, but rather inclusive of those issues that relate ONLY to the other part of their identity. For queer aces, however, these two are not separate issues. If you want to be inclusive to queer aces, you have to be inclusive towards asexuality in general. 

Asexuality, then, should be fully within the queer community, not be treated as a separate but overlapping thing like BDSM. Asexuality, when taken seriously, will affect all spaces of the queer community for the better, while still allowing for sex-positive politics. 

Reading suggestions: 

Michel Foucault, History of Sexuality.

Megan Milks, “Stunted Growth: Asexual Politics and the Rhetoric of Sexual Liberation.” In Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives, edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Milks. 

Erica Chu, “Radical Identity Politics: Asexuality and Contemporary Articulations of Identity.” In Asexualities: Feminist and Queer Perspectives, edited by Karli June Cerankowski and Megan Milks. 

[backyardfun]

Recent thoughts on Jikook...

Opposites do not always attract, and I don’t think of jikook as straight opposites either. There’s a lot to unpack when you look at BTS and coming to any quick conclusion is a little presumptuous, because we only know so much. The fact that we know that jikook are close is because they don’t mind doing things out of group activities together out in the public. It comes with a risk and also is maybe a big factor in their relationship(platonic or not). they just can’t help but be together all the time. which in of itself, spawns romantic thoughts right? Because hell, if any of us commoners were doing any of that, well people would also think that maybe something was going on. Except that BTS is like...still rising and they get busier and tour and don’t really have time for anyone but each other, respectively. Which is also interesting, because when you think about it, nobody wants to be constantly surrounded by their s/o. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right? Like it’s nice for some time, but it can become a real burden really easily. At least we know that they don’t always share rooms now so that gives them some sort of respite (i’m in no way saying that any members don’t like each other, as an introvert however i have a deep understanding of people’s need for alone time).

So how does jikook find balance through all that? Hypothetically, if they are indeed in a relationship, how do they make it work with all the attention they get from the outside world and what exactly, hypothetically, to be out and public? there are three very simple answers: they’re not a couple (bear with me), homosexual relationships are making strides but are still frowned upon and the third comes in correlation with the second one; they might lose some of their fanbase. Also, it’s none of anybody’s business. That might be it. That might just be one of the biggest issues they have, however when you think about it, it’s not really an issue. Because Jungkook is getting bolder with his actions and Jimin is not stupid, he chooses to respond to it. I don’t think anyone in BTS wakes up trying to find ways to discredit anyone else, actually they are so supportive of each other’s personal projects. So the fact that jikook promotes their relationship so much and that nobody says anything, but acts like it’s a problem, is also something that makes my ears tingle.

Namjoon is always, always, coming in between them publicly. If he isn’t, something is likely to happen. Jungkook gets on his knees, Jimin steps on Jungkook’s foot. There’s always something going on. Then again Namjoon can’t be everywhere and he’s not anyone’s mom. But if you look at it objectively, a concert or interview is not always the best way to gage anyone’s relationship. It’s not so much what jikook does to me, it’s how the other members react to it. Because you know Jimin touches everyone. It’s how he shows love and support. I don’t go apeshit watching jikook touch each other on stage like yes that’s lovely, it’s all lovely to me all of BTS is beautiful and I enjoy every single moment between any member. I live for bros supporting each other. This is hard on them. What makes me believe this is different is how other members react to it. You know what I’m talking about so I’m not going to delve into that for too long, but this is one of the reasons why I think jikook is special. If I’d base my thoughts of jikook on physical touching, hell, Jimin would be dating all of BTS, but I digress…

There’s also the fact, that we can always look back on GCF Tokyo…. And the fact that Jimin and Jungkook(but mostly Jimin) never shut up about it. Yes, taking someone on a trip for the first time is nice, yes taking them to all those beautiful places and even Disneyland is…. Lovely. But filming it? Posting it? Putting a particular song with suggestive(romantic) connotations? BTS isn’t stupid. BigHit let it happen… so what does that tell us? That whatever their relationship is, it’s monitored. If Namjoon’s constant presence (interfering is a bit harsh but I’ll put it out there anyway) is another tell as well. There is something there, something that’s a little more than a common friendship, which I will elaborate on now.

The box syndrome. It’s when you find yourself surrounded constantly so much by the same person/people that you start building an attraction for them physically or mentally that you would not otherwise, in any other context. I try to think of it objectively of course, at the end of the day no one knows anything 100%  which is why it’s good to remind yourself that BTS isn’t going to last forever. I know it’s the saddest thing to think about, but the truth of it is as such; BTS will not go for eternity. There’s also military time that comes into perspective and omfg the next five years might get bittersweet, but hey, their legacy is what matters, ok? My point is (don’t cry) is that nobody that does anything the way jikook are doing now, comes out unscathed. Ok? I read this in a fanfic lately and it had possibly one of the best descriptions of love I’ve stumbled across so far but love is when the other person fills out the empty space. It’s when you talk and open yourself. In those spaces, the other person creeps in. In the silent pauses you fall deeper. In the unspoken and human gestures--in the unintentional actions, when they’re unconscious you’re in awe-- that you fall deeper and deeper. (I screenshotted it so I don’t remember the name of the fic but I will hunt it down and give proper credit).I worry about what is going to happen to them afterwards. The closeness someone brings can also leave behind a huge gap. If the hypothesis that they’re in fact living together right now is true, then does that mean that they’ll keep doing it once they don’t professionally have an excuse to? Would friendship be enough?

Finally, I mean I could go on but this is getting stupid long, you might say they’re seeing other people. But again, think about it. Even if some of their stares and touches are fanservices, there are still some gestures that are born out of instincts. For example the last vlive. Now, I’m not going to go into some deep, deep observation of the jikook moments that happen but rather, the entirety of it. Again, I have to point out that there was a LOT to unpack. There is also the in between tweet Jimin took of Jungkook right? So really we had a solid hour and half glimpse into what happened last night in New York. I won’t bother you with details… but I wanna talk about how Jimin acted in those first five minutes, versus how he acted afterwards. Again, without going into detail, Jimin’s action were intimate, his voice was softer and jikook just has that general glow when they’re together. Like yes Jimin touched other people, but it didn’t have that same vibe and the same context. All ship aside, it was a very sweet and precious moment… shared with no one but each other so….

Jikook is loud and that’s why people worry when they’re quiet, but honestly I don’t ever worry because of the whole absence makes the heart grow stronger and they’re not exclusive. Like, they get along with other members and do other stuff with them, they don’t have to constantly be at each other’s mercy and side. Isn’t it enough that they’re already almost inseparable and keep colliding into each other? Satellites, forreal.

Again, I would like to say that these are just thoughts and that as human beings we should respect the privacy of everyone, including our favorite artists. Go stream Boy With Luv and I hope that you have a nice day. Borahae.

#jikook #minkook #strictly hypothetical #don't burn me at the stake #i wanna see BTS live first then you can kill me

[sapphicscholar]

your fics are helping me get through the shittiest breakup right now, so thank you. I know you probably have a million prompts but would you be interested in writing a story where maggie is having a really dark day and feeling really depressed/worthless within herself (either because of internalised homophobia, past trauma etc) and alex takes care of her? maybe even some soft tearful smut later?

Hey, I hope you’re doing alright! I’m sorry it’s taken me a little while to get to this prompt (I didn’t want to do a shitty job when my focus was so divided with work and applications). Sending all the best thoughts your way! It’s now posted to AO3.

Author notes:

CW on homophobia, abusive families, anxiety/depression, etc.

A/N: Now that we’re in the thick of the holiday season, I’ve gotten a few asks for chosen family and hurt/comfort. I know it can be really hard dealing with family (or making the perfectly legitimate choice not to but seeing posts on social media that make it seem like everyone else has a loving, supportive biological family). No matter what choice you make (and I know sometimes there really isn’t a choice, depending on the situation), I’m sending you all the best thoughts. I hope you’re able to make time for yourself, even if it just means finding a quiet room to be alone for a little bit, maybe some wifi to catch up on gay af fanfic or cute puppy gifs, which I’ll try to post in spades over the break when I have time to be on my phone or computer. There are links to resources here as well.

A/N 2: Regarding a few lines in this fic: Obviously not all religion is inherently homophobic, nor do I think anyone smart and scientific (e.g. Alex) must necessarily be an atheist. But I think for so many of us who were raised Catholic (fun foreshadowing here for the nerd notes at the end today), religion was something that shaped our upbringing in an often profound way and was then thrown back in our faces when we came out. Are there Catholics who don’t follow the Church on its teachings about LGBTQ issues? Of course. But, for instance, the fact that my family happened to be supportive of LGBTQ rights in a general way didn’t mean that I wasn’t terrified of coming out to them; it didn’t exempt me from years of internalized shame after hearing priests and religion teachers teaching that homosexuality was an intrinsic disorder of the soul; and it certainly didn’t save me from the humiliation of having to write that gay sexuality was a sin on a test to get an A, of knowing that I put the jobs of my family members who worked for the Church at risk just by being out, of being forced back into the closet to serve as a teacher at a Catholic high school. And even with all of that, I had it easy (and I certainly had it much easier than my fiancée), which I say not to guilt anyone who is still religious, but to explain the perspective from which I’m writing in advance.

Resources:National Domestic Abuse Hotline (online and phone options): http://www.thehotline.org/

US and International Hotlines for a variety of causes: https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/167199297270/dont-ever-hesitate-reblog-this-tumblr-rule

Self-Harm Resources:http://myresourcemasterlist.tumblr.com/selfharmhttp://self-care-club.tumblr.com/post/139740925552/giant-self-help-masterposthttp://chooserecovery.tumblr.com/post/64162912692/ultimate-self-injury-recovery-masterpost

Suicide-specific resources:https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/https://themighty.com/suicide-prevention-resources/(For ones that link outside of the US):https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/164643935260/selfharm-surviver-holybadbitch98https://sapphicscholarwrites.tumblr.com/post/164329606770/uie-fuwaprince-us-helplines-depression

Chapter Text:

“Are you and Maggie doing anything for Christmas?” Kara asked, popping another handful of popcorn into her mouth as she nudged Alex, who had started to nod off during the last episode of The Walking Dead.

“Hmm?”

“Christmas—what are you doing?”

“Oh,” Alex sighed, pulling herself up and rubbing at her eyes. “I don’t know. I mean…I know Maggie used to celebrate it with her family, but obviously that hasn’t been the case in years.”

“Right, right.”

“And it’s not like she goes to church at all these days.”

“I mean…you’re not exactly religious, but we still do Hanukkah with Eliza.”

Alex shook her head. “It’s different, I think. I was never religious; it was always more about…I don’t know, being with family and having something in common. I thought mom might be disappointed in me for being gay, but I never thought her reasoning would be that God said it was bad or anything like that.”

“Right,” Kara conceded. “But it might still be nice to celebrate together—you know, build new traditions.”

“I kinda fucked up with that whole thing on Valentine’s Day,” Alex sighed. Sure, they’d talked eventually and found a way to celebrate, to reclaim memories that had hurt Maggie for so many years. But Alex didn’t want to try to surprise Maggie this time and risk dredging up buried trauma once more. “I don’t know. I’ll talk to her.”

Closing her eyes, Maggie blinked back hot tears that threatened to fall. She focused on her breathing: Breathe in—1, 2, 3, 4, 5—hold—1, 2, 3—exhale—1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. She fumbled to take off her watch, finding her pulse and focusing on its too fast beat, waiting for it to slow in time with her deep breathing. She ignored the clock, ignored the reminders of how soon Alex would be home, how weak she would look sitting at the kitchen counter and crying over a piece of paper—a stupid Hallmark greeting card with some trite bullshit scrawled across it in fake cursive.

Of course, the card itself hadn’t set her off. It was the hand-written note inside. The sight of the same handwriting that had adorned the rare note in her lunchbox in kindergarten was what had left her eyes stinging, not the vague platitudes about having a very merry Christmas and an even happier New Year. As she read, she was overcome with surges of anger and sorrow and a guilt that she had never quite been able to shake, no matter how much “pride” she claimed.

She tried to seize on the anger—the rage and frustration that she’d used as motivation to succeed: to do well enough in school to get herself out of that small Nebraska town; to do well enough in college to keep her scholarship; to do well enough in the academy to guarantee her a job, even as a non-straight, non-white woman. And there was plenty of it. Anger at her father’s suggestion that her family had always been there for her, as though they hadn’t left her alone at her aunt’s house with barely enough clothing for the week. Rage at this idea that she had been the one to wrong the family simply by living her life honestly and authentically, that she had ruined something otherwise perfect by being herself. Frustration at the phrase, “your friend,” as though her father hadn’t stormed out of their bridal shower precisely because Alex was so much more than just a friend, as though he hadn’t forced her out of her home and family as a mere child because her feelings for Eliza exceeded the bounds of friendship.

But then there was the photo of all of the cousins and nieces and nephews she’d never met. There were sentences about just how much older everyone had gotten, the sickness and bad times they’d been through without her there, the deaths she’d never known about, let alone mourned. Because she’d already done that—mourning the loss of a family that still existed—but not for her. Not with her.

It still got to her, still struck her with a guilt that felt like it could wrench her open, could undo everything she’d worked for, could tear down every inch of progress and confidence and sense of self she’d fought to build for herself.

Maybe he was right. Maybe they were all right. Maybe she was selfish—selfish for putting herself and her desires above her family, the people who had raised her, who had sacrificed their lives to try to make hers better.

And there was another voice—much quieter, harder to hear, harder to believe—that seemed to call back, to tell her that she was worth it, that her life wasn’t worth sacrificing on the altar of bigoted beliefs, no matter who else worshiped there. She thought the voice sounded an awful lot like Alex’s, and its echoes, the voices of her new family: M’gann and J’onn and James and Kara and Eliza and Winn and everyone else who had come together to prove to her that she had people in her corner even when she felt most alone and least worthy of love.

But they were just that: voices. And in the face of the letter, its words right there, her fingers able to trace over them, feel the indents where her father had pressed down just a little harder, those marks and proof of a family that existed in reality—a family she could barely even think of as family anymore—those voices advocating for her faded to the background, drowned out in a chorus of self-loathing so overpowering she could barely manage to stagger toward the bed, her deep breathing long forgotten.

—

Alex found her there nearly an hour later. Her body was rigid, trembling every so often but otherwise catatonic. She looked as pale as Alex had ever seen her, and there were tear tracks streaked across her cheeks, her eyes puffy and rubbed raw from the harsh swipe of her shirt sleeves. Her fingers were clenched into fists, and her short nails were leaving deep moon-shaped imprints in her palms.

“Maggie!” Alex called out, rushing forward. She’d seen her like this once before—just once—and it had terrified her as much then as it did now. Remembering her DEO training, she forced herself to stay calm, to detach herself from the situation and let her medical instincts take over.

“Hey, Maggie, it’s me, Alex,” she said, her voice low and even as she knelt down on the ground next to her, pulling out the bottle of water she carried with her in her bag and putting it beside Maggie on the bedside table. “You okay if I sit here?”

Maggie managed to get herself to nod.

“Great. And if that changes, I can move, okay? I’m going to stay with you, but I can be a little farther away, or I can get closer if you want.” She paused to let Maggie process. “Do you think you can breathe with me?”

“It’s not helping,” Maggie forced out, her teeth chattering shut.

“Maybe if we do it together, it’ll help a little, okay?” Alex murmured. “Can I put a blanket on you?” Seeing the nod of assent, Alex pulled out the fluffiest blanket they had—the one with no tags, no rough patches or odd seams, the one that Maggie had wrapped around her after everything with her dad and Cadmus—and carefully draped it over Maggie, taking care not to tuck it under her, lest she feel trapped. Feeling how cold Maggie was to the touch, she slipped over to the edge of the room and turned up the thermostat before making her way back over to the bed.

She knelt next to Maggie, helping her to slow her breathing, holding her hand once she told her it was okay to touch, checking her pulse and smiling broadly as it came down to close to normal levels, telling Maggie just how proud she was when she was able to unclench her muscles and relax slightly into the mattress. Once the worst of it seemed to be over, she got Maggie to drink water and stretch out her stiff muscles.

“What do you say to a hot bath together? It’ll warm you up, and we can light the nice candles.”

“Even the cookie one?”

“Definitely the cookie one,” Alex agreed, smiling at the signs of Maggie returning. A few moments later, she came back into the bedroom, having lit the candles and begun filling the bath. “You good to walk?”

“Yeah,” Maggie nodded, standing up and rolling her neck to work out the cricks that had developed in it. She still let Alex take her by the hand and walk her to the bathroom, cracked a joke or two when Alex asked to help take off her clothes, grinned when Alex pulled out the extra fluffy towels they had picked up a few weekends ago and set them on the radiator to warm while they were in the bath.

For a while they relaxed in silence, Maggie sitting between Alex’s legs, her head resting on Alex’s shoulders while Alex ran her fingers through Maggie’s hair.

“My dad wrote,” Maggie said, her voice quiet.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“What? No, Maggie, never. You’re—god, you’re one of the best people I know.”

“That’s not true. You know Supergirl.”

“Yeah, well Supergirl never gives me the last slice of pizza, and you always offer to share.”

Maggie snorted, shaking her head against Alex’s shoulder. “That’s not what I mean.”

“What do you mean? Because honestly, Maggie, you are one of the most caring people I know. I—you’ve made me better. And not just by helping me to come out,” she clarified, anticipating Maggie’s objection that anyone could’ve done that with enough perseverance or bluntness. “You’ve made me rethink some of those things I assumed I knew. You helped me to see aliens who weren’t just like my sister as people who needed protection, not just prosecution or imprisonment. You showed me possibilities for a life I never thought I’d have.”

“But you didn’t say anything about my family. People have died, Alex—people I loved, people who loved me. They died, and I didn’t know.”

“There’s a difference between choosing not to know and never having been told.”

“Is there? Phones exist. Hell, mail exists. I never tried reaching out.”

“You did nothing wrong!” Alex tried to bite back her anger, knowing that wasn’t what Maggie needed. “Look, I get where you’re coming from. But self-preservation, knowing to take care of yourself—that matters too. You had no way of knowing how they would react if you tried to reach out. They had already hurt you, Maggie.”

“Still. They’re family.”

“And so am I, but if I hurt you—god, Maggie, if I hurt you that way, I wouldn’t want you to feel like you owed me anything. You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness.” Trying to find words, Alex let out a sigh of frustration. “You did try, Maggie. Think about it that way. You tried—you invited your dad to our bridal shower, in part because I wasn’t thinking quite clearly. I thought…I could only think in terms of my own relationship with my mother. And we went through some rough, rough periods, but it was different. I didn’t see that clearly then. But you gave him a chance he didn’t deserve—a chance you were good and pure and kind enough to give him—and he threw it away.”

“He came.”

“Yes, and he left.”

“I know,” Maggie huffed. “And I thought that would be it! And if it was…well, maybe this would all be easier, you know? God, I just—he said no! He doesn’t want me the way I am. So why won’t he stop acting like it’s my fault?”

“I don’t know,” Alex admitted, her voice barely a whisper as she wrapped her arms around Maggie. “I really don’t. And I don’t—I don’t have the perfect advice to offer. I’m happy to call him and yell at him, or get a restraining order, or burn the letter, or ignore it entirely and hold you, or kiss you until you can’t think about anything else. I mean, whatever you want, you know? I’m here for you, and I’ll support you no matter what you choose.”

“Even if I choose vegan ice cream and a whole night of Rizzoli and Isles?” Maggie teased, opting to ignore the tears prickling the corners of her eyes.

“Even both of those terrible choices.”

“You love Rizzles just as much as I do.”

“You’re a cop! How do you deal with all the procedural violations?”

“I watch for the hot ladies with delightful romantic chemistry on my screen and put up with the rest.”

“Yeah, yeah. They don’t even get to make out, though.”

“Neither do half of the actual gay couples on television!”

“Fine,” Alex whined, though she kissed Maggie’s cheek anyway, which led Maggie to turn around, finding Alex’s lips with her own and letting herself be held, letting herself be cared for.

Eventually they got out of the tub, the water having grown lukewarm. Wrapped up in a fuzzy towel, Maggie nudged Alex with her shoulder. “You think it’s okay that I don’t try to reach out to him for Christmas?”

“I think that’s your decision, and you are allowed to celebrate however you want.”

“I mean…I want to celebrate by going sledding and destroying you in a snowball fight.”

“Whatever you want within reason,” Alex clarified, laughing at Maggie’s pout. “And maybe, just maybe, we can think about traveling somewhere cold for a vacation. Don’t see why we’d want to, though,” she added, winking at her fiancée.

“So cheesy movies and as much junk food as Kara can bring over? And maybe when she leaves you and I can find our own way to celebrate…”

“I think that sounds perfect.”

#ask me #anon #prompt fill #fanfic #cw homophobia #cw family abuse #cw depression #angst #hurt/comfort #sanvers #supergirl #maggie sawyer #alex danvers #kara danvers #holidays #maggie-centric #ao3feed

[gaynchristian]

My Coming Out Post on National Coming Out Day in 2012

This post was originally written and posted on my Facebook as a Note in 2012

Today is National Coming Out Day.  Not a day that I used to recognize at all.  In fact I used to hope it would just disappear so I didn’t have to be reminded of it every year.  The first one was in 1988, when I was in the middle of my eight years in a fundamental Bible church, pursuing “change” through an Exodus-affiliated ministry, and hoping to distance myself from anything gay-related.  Yes, I had come out to a few people at my college for a brief few weeks in the spring of my junior year in college, but I quickly retreated back into the closet out of fear of being rejected by family, friends, etc.  After I became aware of Exodus in the mid-80’s, I came to believe that the scripture verse that said “in God all things are possible” could be applied to my sexual orientation, at the same time that I was still stopping in the adult book store every few months to pick up a couple gay porn magazines and watch a video or two in the viewing booths.  I had cut off two long-distance relationships with guys who I loved but couldn’t figure out how to love and live with openly, guys who came fully out of the closet to live openly gay lives.  I wasn’t in the same place as them, and I couldn’t even use the word “gay” as it applied to me.

Years passed.  I fell in love with a woman with whom I shared about my past attraction to men, whom I convinced I no longer struggled with.  I was convinced myself, trying not to hide anything, but inwardly, I still struggled.  We married, we had two kids, we built our lives together.  Sometimes I sought out porn for a fix, sometimes I masturbated to relive fantasies and the relationships I had, but I sought to remain faithful to my wife, and so I have through these twenty years of marriage.

But I still continued to process who I was, and I reached a point of needing to be more real, more open, more true to who I was within without denying it.  And so on an April day in 2005, I wrote a message, titled “On Hate and Change - Out of My Own Closet” to a group of alumni from my college. In the message I opened up about being attracted to men, but at the time I still believed that a person's sexual orientation could change.  There were about 400 subscribers to the group discussion list, including a couple that I knew personally from my own time at the college.  There was little risk of anyone where I lived coming across the post, but still it was a bold step for me to take within my extended college community since technically anyone from my college could access the list.

I just re-read that message, and if you’ve been one of my blog readers for a while, you know that my perspective is quite a bit different than it was then.  My thinking has continued to evolve, much of it chronicled in my 5-1/2 years of blogging on Xanga and my communications with other bloggers and Facebook friends.  It would be written very differently today, but instead of trying to update it to my current thinking, I decided to just reflect back on what I thought then and briefly state what I am thinking today on National Coming Out Day.  So here is what I would like to say today.

I am gay.  When I really think about it, I have been aware that I was gay since high school at least, and in retrospect I see all the signs of it back to early elementary school.  I just wasn’t about to accept it in the face of teasing and bullying.  It took the past few years of allowing myself to engage in real communications and friendships with gay men to come to accept this reality about myself.  Some of those gay men are committed to being celibate, some are only comfortable referring to being “same-sex attracted”, and some are in committed same-sex relationships, some even engaged and married.  Some are Christian and base their beliefs about homosexuality on the Bible, both affirming and non-affirming of same-sex relationships, and some are former Christians or agnostic.  All have been impactful on my journey, for which I am greatly appreciative.  They (you) have helped me reach a much greater level of self-confidence and self-acceptance of who I am.

I am married to a wonderful woman, and I have two wonderful kids.  I have begun referring to it as a “mixed orientation marriage” in some contexts.  I am completely devoted to my wife and kids, and I am committed to my marriage till death do us part.  I know quite a few other guys also in successful mixed orientation marriages, but I do not promote it by any means as a fix to being gay, and I know many mixed orientation marriages that have failed, some miserably.  But God brought my wife and I together and we both entered into a faith journey of marriage, even knowing about my attraction to men.  Our physical intimacy did develop over time, it wasn’t always easy, but it did grow to be amazing and wonderful, and at times I have felt fully heterosexual, even studly, but the attraction to men has never disappeared, nor do I expect it to or even desire it to anymore.  I am gay, and I’m okay with that.  Being gay has allowed me to meet and get to know so many wonderful men that I wouldn’t have otherwise, and for that I am so thankful.  It has made me sensitive to so much that I might not have been otherwise.

I am a Christian, and I continue to hold some traditional biblical beliefs on sexuality and relationships, but I do not let that restrict me from loving everyone unconditionally, nor do I let it restrict me from supporting equality and civil rights for my gay brothers and sisters.  I have some gay friends who are already married or in civil unions, while others are patiently waiting for the laws to change in their states to allow them to get married.  I stand with you as you wait patiently. (Edit: I became fully affirming of same-sex relationships in 2013 and celebrated the Supreme Court decision that year.)

I am proud to be gay.  I wish I could have come out openly back in college and stayed out, but the Lord had different plans for me.  At one time those words would have never left my mouth, but I have come to understand the struggle for equality and civil rights and the benefits it has brought even to me.  For what I have done at times in my life I could have been hanged in Iran or jailed in other countries.  To deny that I am gay is to deny the identity that I share with those persecuted gay men and women in other countries, and even those in my own country who up until a year ago were kicked out of the military and who can still be fired just for being gay.

I may never be fully out of the closet, out of respect for my wife and kids, but my closet door has been opened wide and it will not be closed again.

[heydarren]

We All Belong Here: My Journey of Faith

I’m Darren, and I’ve often described myself as black, Christian, and gay. I’m also a lot of other things, like a photographer, a worship leader, and an advocate for justice. Each of these descriptors could be used to identify groups that I fit into, but none of them tells the whole story of who Darren is. And while I may fit into different groups, I’m still trying to answer the question Where do I belong? At the end of the day, I want all the ways that I describe myself to paint a vibrant picture of who I am and what I believe, and also to hold space for others along a similar journey who share a common interest.

Belonging is something that many of us desire, but it has often been elusive to find and maintain. Some of my earliest memories are of trying to figure out where I fit in. I grew up in Chicago, where the side of town you live on pretty much determines which baseball team you root for: Cubs fan (North Side) or a Sox fan (South Side). I grew up on the South Side, so when people asked, “Cubs or Sox?” the correct answer was Sox. But in college, I spent time on the North Side and could just as easily answer, “Cubs,” to the celebration of those around me. The secret is that I actually am not invested in baseball—at all. However, I was learning early on that to “belong” meant that you needed to align yourself with the “right” answers to certain questions, and for me, what I really thought came secondary to being accepted or welcomed. We see these kinds of choices presented all the time: pizza with or without pineapple, anyone? We also see it in more sobering questions about political parties and church affiliations. While these choices range from trivial to critical for the functioning of our society, they frequently represent binaries—either/or thinking that determines who’s in and who’s out.

After I came out as gay at 17, I remember being eager to meet other gay people, because the only ones I knew at the time were from an internet chatroom. I hoped that by being out, I would find the other gay people around me and we would share something in common. Maybe they could even teach me things about how to be gay, since all of this felt “new” to me. I didn’t meet many gay friends at the time, but I did meet Christians who insisted that being gay wasn’t God’s plan for my life. These new Christian friendships led to eight years of me trying to renounce homosexuality and become heterosexual. And while there were some profound moments of learning and even spiritual growth during that time, I was also subjected to years of spiritual abuse in a toxic church culture. One of the themes of that time was the constant threat of losing my salvation. Like a carrot being dangled in front of a rabbit, the promise of heaven was always just out of my reach. This dynamic kept me following the instructions of my church leaders—often to the detriment of my sense of self and well-being. I gave up attending university, and I gave up my photography business, friends, and even family for the promise of belonging in God’s Kingdom. Eventually, with the support of a faithful few who wouldn’t give up on me, I realized that this church wasn’t healthy for me, so I left. But I was saddled with years of harmful theology and no church to call home. For some, the idea that one has to become heterosexual (or at least try) is the key to belonging in a church community. And while some continue that pursuit, I found that it wasn’t right for me.

When I left my previous church, some suggested that I go to a gay-affirming church, but that didn’t feel like a match for me either, because the theology and culture were so different from what was familiar and felt safe. I eventually found a church where I felt I could be honest about what I described as a struggle with same-sex attraction, but where my salvation and relationship with God weren’t on the line with endless hoops to prove my commitment. I spent nine years in this community loving God and loving others, while being known and loved exactly as I was. This built up in me the courage to begin publicly sharing my experiences as a gay Christian—including sharing that I was on a journey, figuring out how best to honor God in response to my orientation. The leaders in that community invited me to consider celibacy as a lifelong calling or response to being gay. I spent many years exploring that idea with leaders whom I’d built a trusting relationship with. In this exploration, I came to realize that none of us in my church had this figured out. So I began spending more time in groups outside of my church, where I discovered faithful Christians who were also LGBTQ+ and living their faith in a range of ways. Some were trying or hoping to become heterosexual, like I’d previously attempted. But I also met people who were committed to celibacy and people who chose to live in intentional community or celibate partnerships. I also met people who were heterosexually married but very clear that they were in a mixed-orientation marriage. Lastly, I met people who were gay, in a same-sex marriage, and had been raising children for 30+ years.

I was encountering the reality that lots of people are responding as faithfully as they can, but that it doesn’t all look the same. I wanted to honor all of these stories, so I began to advocate for the broad range of people I’d built relationships with. But this led to conflict. I saw how the church failed to be a safe or gracious space for all of these people—no matter what their beliefs were or how faithfully they adhered to church policy. I wanted to be part of changing that. I felt called to help make the church better at loving all same-sex attracted, same-gender loving, and LGBTQ+ people. I didn’t know where in this range of Christians I would find myself practicing my faith for the rest of my life, but I was willing to be vocal and out front to make space for people like me—folks who love Jesus, love the church, and just want to be part of a community that can love them back. Being on the front lines comes with questions about what you believe: Is it a sin? Can you change your orientation? Should same-sex marriage be legal? These are all questions that I wrestled with internally, but was also now being asked publicly. I eventually found myself aligned with an organization that chose not to make a public stance about same-sex marriage, and instead sought to hold the church accountable to loving LGBTQ+ people. In many ways, this became the way I navigated being in a variety of spaces. I knew that if I answered certain questions with the “right” answers, I could be heard and possibly accepted. But I didn’t know exactly where I belonged. Because I knew a lot of perspectives but didn’t have a lot of answers for myself, this ambiguity felt like the best way forward for me.

In 2015, a conservative Christian magazine began investigating me because I was scheduled to speak about racial justice at a conference that affirmed same-sex marriage. Even though my church was on public record as not affirming of same-sex marriage, the article made the accusation that we were “abandoning the Bible” and secretly falling away from its stance on marriage, all because I was present at the event. This criticism came from people who weren’t concerned about my life or the life of my church; they just aimed to prove their assumption that all things associated with being gay are bad. At this point, I was faced with the hard reality that some people will demand you “pick a side” for the sole purpose of disqualifying you or who you’re with.  This magazine suggested that the only way to be faithful would be for me to distance myself from all things LGBTQ—even from describing myself that way. Calls poured into the church, and some groups distanced themselves from our community—simply because I existed and they were unsure about my beliefs. This kind of treatment comes at such a cost to LGBTQ+ people. We are often made to feel responsible for church splits, family arguments, and even the eternal damnation of others. This cost is an undue burden to us, and some have already paid with their lives. It was at this point that I decided to stop publicly answering certain questions about my sexuality and instead chose to continue my own journey privately with trusted friends.

Fast-forwarding to today, I’ve moved on to work in a church that is fully inclusive of LGBTQ+ people, and I continue to serve church leaders and communities that have a range of beliefs about sexual ethics. I’m fully committed to Jesus and living in a way that honors him, but I’ve moved away from the tedious effort of choosing who’s in and who’s out. The reconciliation of my faith is a set of values about how I engage myself and others in love-centered community. Part of those values is maintaining space for others—including those whom I may not agree with. The heaven that I envision in scripture has every nation, tribe, and tongue, and won’t be sectioned off by the affiliations we navigate here on earth. In many ways, this is how I’ve always felt, but I’m choosing to be clearer than ever about it. I advocate for people who pursue celibacy, and I will perform a same-sex wedding. I hold space for people who assert that they themselves are no longer gay, and I honor the stories of people who are seeking ethical ways to pursue relational intimacy outside of monogamy. There is a range of beliefs and ways that people exist in the world, but what I hold true is that the image of God should be honored in every person, no matter what their beliefs are.

We’ll all find belonging in different places and to differing degrees. I don’t think the differences that make our faith, denomination, or scriptural understandings of gender and sexuality will go away anytime soon. But for me, I’ll continue to follow Jesus in the best ways that I can as I love God and love my neighbors as myself. I’m investing myself in a value of belonging that doesn’t require that we all believe the same exact things. I’ve found this to be the most life-giving way that I can love everyone—not out of fear of punishment, but instead out of grace and care. My journey reflects significant time spent in various places of theological belief—and all of that continues to be important to my story and how I move forward. Sometimes this means people think I believe exactly as they do, and that’s OK. Other times it means I don’t belong in some spaces, and that will have to be OK, too. I’ll continue to figure out what the future looks like for me relationally, sexually, and spiritually, but I hope you’ll stick around for the journey. May the Holy Spirit teach us all how to live lives led by love and truth.

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This post originally appears on the Q Christian Fellowship website as part of the Great Communion Series — a collection of faith stories from members of the QCF community. 

We All Belong Here: My Journey of Faith was originally published on Darren Calhoun

[blogbeardedtimemachinebouqu-blog]

Street Artwork Illustrates The Lives Of Inspiring Black Girls In London

get your success with these inspirational quotes No matter what we plan to undertake in life, there are occasions when the stress, strain and downright fear of sure things could cause us to unfastened momentum. It is during these times we search to be inspired by our mates, mentors, or, within the case of quotations, famous people who've experienced comparable trias and tribulations. A good quote can do wonders for our mindset and resolve... the facility of phrases can have a terrific affect our non secular outlook. Offered here are just a few short inspirational quotes that have personally helped me by totally different situations, hopefully they enable you as effectively. The place do you spend the overwhelming majority of your time? Should you're like most of us, you spend at the very least a 3rd of it at work. Is not it time to interrupt free and find a method to spend more time with your loved ones. While you embrace the constructive push and joys of motivational quotes and exquisite imagery, you'll not only feel higher, however you'll be extra productive too! Or, in the event you preserve doing what you've got been doing, you are going to stay where you might be already, says Rick Richey, a certified private coach and proprietor of R2Fitness in New York Metropolis. This is my quote to emphasize the significance of assorted and progressive exercise programming, as well the necessity to actually do something for those who're doing nothing,” he says. There are occasions when sharpens talks about having a pal who retains you in line. Let's be trustworthy. Typically, we lose sight of who we are on the journey to success. Not solely xians condemn it; ahmedinijad can declare that 'there aren't any homosexuals in iran' as a result of his own ebook tells him so.

Everyone who is aware of me knows how a lot The Ryder Cup means, having given me recollections to savor over the past 12 years and created friendships that can last a lifetime,” Poulter, who has played in the final 5 matches, said on the Ryder Cup web site () on Monday. I'll disagree and state that Frajo understands religion completely nicely. He understands that the statement made by spiritual dogma and doctrine are most often incorrect, simply because the dogma and doctrine of all features of human understanding are fairly typically improper. Moses, who set the tempo of the house team's attacks, burst from inside his personal half to score the third purpose after the break and an identical run started the move that allowed substitute Iheanacho to move home in the 76th minute. Why do we need to cure 'innate' homosexuality? From a society perspective it has lengthy Your cool lovely inspirational quotes for success been a useful trait throughout the inhabitants, or rather, strongly associated with different helpful traits akin to political astuteness, wit, management. How many useless (not dying, LIFELESS) people do you put on life support? Kinda sick if you ask me. That fundamental concept is required for a government that's based upon the consent of the governed. I don't care if Freethinking wants to be a Hutaree member or some other fanatical christian sect.

[anonbstander33-blog]

Open letter to LGBT fans of Haifa Wehbe

This is an open letter to the LGBT fans of Haifa Wehbe who were offended by her recent injurious tweet, and more specifically, those who have hastily ceased considering themselves as fans of hers, and may or may not have contributed to subsequent accusations of homophobia and general insults against her character, or other more subtle actions against her. I am not a habitual twitter user, but this topic was brought to my attention and has prompted me to respond, and I hope that you will get to somehow read my response. Please take the time to read this and I thank you in advance for your kind attention. The following is simply the sensible point of view of an observer, and in no way the defensive opinion of a fan.

It is clear that Haifa's social media presence is distinctive from the more standardized PR-driven approach most public figures in her position tend to use. She has opted for a shyer and more personal and unpredictable approach in recent years, and this arguably contributes to her likability and sets her apart from her peers. However, this hasn't been without its faults and it has certainly left room for the occasional and inevitable faux pas, as with this recent regrettable misunderstanding. On this particular occasion, Haifa received a harmful and injurious tweet, sadly a daily part of social media interaction nowadays, but nonetheless upsetting and distressing for most people. She was obviously triggered by the vicious attack on her person, to which she responded on a whim with an equally offensive insult, which happens to be a common gay slur. Although returning hate for hate is not an ideal solution in my opinion, she probably reacted in a fit of anger and without much consideration of the meaning or possible implications of her response, and that is comprehensible. Haifa has proved she is human like the rest of us, and humans are bound to make mistakes, it is in our nature.

While some sources will argue that the term she used is merely an old fashioned expression with no injurious connotation, which is mostly used in law and religious texts in referral to homosexual men, it is unquestionable that its modern day uses are far more objectionable. It is the widely accepted usage of this word as a casual insult that lead her to let it slip unconsciously, but undoubtedly without hurtful intent towards homosexuals, as she made clear in several subsequent tweets. Even if this is the case, it doesn't make using it okay and I am by no means condoning it, and neither is Haifa. The term is widely used without necessary ill will to purposely offend or insult a homosexual person, but sadly without much consideration of the pain and suffering tied to it by gay men in particular. The real issue that needs to be addressed here is the very common, and unfortunately trivialized, derogatory use of this word, which is solely a reflection of a backward society. The attention she gave to clearing up the issue at hand, however, is a sincere reflection of her true self and feelings, and I believe she deserves the utmost respect for it.

Haifa chose not to explicitly apologize and this has to be attributed to her prowess in dealing with the media, she is known for her subtle faculty to minimize media scrutiny in regard to similarly delicate matters. It would have been purposely misinterpreted as an apology for the act of insult rather than for the choice of insult word itself, and her intentions would have been intentionally misrepresented, and consequently the hurtful effect of the term on certain people would have never been dealt with. I strongly believe that given the chance to do it over, she would have still insulted the individual who offended her, as she clearly felt it was justified, and that is very concordant with her "diva" persona. But I am even more persuaded that she would have taken the time to come up with a more poignant riposte, without any homophobic suggestion that is clearly inconsistent with her beliefs. In lieu of an apology, Haifa took several steps that you shouldn't be too quick to dismiss. She recognized her mistake and proceeded to remove the offensive tweet. She then admitted the provoked anger that lead her to react impulsively, not in an attempt to justify her choice of words, but simply to explain her spontaneous reaction and state of mind at the time. She shared the vicious words that instigated her impulsive reaction with her followers, which I felt showed some humility on her part, as well as honest penitence. Furthermore, Haifa made clear her intentions and assured she never intended to offend anyone on the basis of their sexual orientation. She reassured she has never equated the term she used with gay men, and she disclosed the affinity and friendship she shares with gay men in her private life. She also took advantage of the opportunity to express her respect and support for her gay fans. But most importantly, Haifa acknowledged the pain that could be caused by the use of this kind of language, and she expressed regret for causing such pain, thereby addressing the very core of the problem, as opposed to patching it up with a simple apology. Her actions were more responsible than you are giving her credit for, and in my opinion, more powerful than a formal apology, which most likely would have been disregarded as insincere and generic. She acknowledged her mistake and set herself as an example to millions of followers who will think twice before using this kind of language in the future. But regrettably, her actions are still mistakenly perceived by a few people such as yourself as an attempt to justify her use of insensitive language, when it is clearly not the case.

I personally found her standpoints to be quite admirable, and I find myself incomprehensive to your insistence on pursuing your attacks against her. I seriously doubt that anyone else in her position would have taken further steps beyond removing the offensive tweet as she did. She has offered outspoken support for the gay community, a courageous move on her part, especially in these times of growing fanaticism and religious extremism. You have to realize that she is addressing a very variegated and culturally diverse audience that may not be as tolerant in its majority as you might think. Thus the impact of her actions is not to be taken lightly. I invite you to read some of the hostile comments she has subsequently received, actually condemning her actions and expression of support, and I hope it will put things into perspective for you. I am referring to accusations of "promoting immorality", to paraphrase it politely, and other similarly reprehensible and revolting claims. For her to receive backlash from parts of the gay community in addition to this, is unfortunate to say the least. It almost seems that her actual message only got through to real homophobes, and for individuals like you to turn on her under these circumstances is very disappointing to witness.

Incidentally, I would like to draw your attention to the malicious motives of most news sources who have covered this unfortunate mishap and contributed to amplifying it. They are hardly gay-friendly sources, and are only serving their clearly established anti-Haifa agendas, quite transparently I might add. I caution you to not be misled by their deceitful intentions and to not add fuel to their flames. I am positive that these instigators are not serving an ultimate goal of promoting tolerance of diversity and social justice, far from it. On the other hand, I am most confident that Haifa's intentions are honest and sincere. Since early on in her career, she has helped bring visibility to the LGBT rights movement in an unprecedented manner in the region. She has openly expressed support for the gay community in numerous published magazine interviews and in a couple of instances on social media, and she has helped raise HIV/AIDS awareness. She has also voluntarily expressed her support for Trans-rights in a recent radio interview, without much forthright solicitation from the journalist interviewing her. In addition to her public positions, she is known for her close friendships with many gay men in her private life. I have personally had the opportunity to witness on one occasion her interactions with gay friends from her inner circle, and she seemed to embrace them in a very caring and boundless and judgment-free manner. I also found her familiarity with gay culture to be inspiring, and I can assure you that her tolerance is not of the manufactured and calculated kind, but of the natural kind. Her general broad-mindedness and kindheartedness is also something that anyone who has come into contact with her can attest for. Despite her recent gaffe, she will always be regarded as an ally to the LGBT community, and for such a person to be absurdly referred to as a homophobe by some people such as yourself is very saddening.

I want you to know that I deeply empathize with you if you have been on the receiving end of purposely homophobic bullying, and I sincerely hope that you, or anyone else for that matter, would not have to ever endure that again in the future. I also want you to know that I truly understand your anger, and above all, I understand the pain and frustration that lie beneath it. I realize that gay rights are far from being accepted in this part of the world, and I understand the feeling of hopelessness of ever seeing real change, and the feeling of deep frustration that only grows worse by the exposure to other cultures that are embracing equality more and more by the day. I assure you that I am in no way undermining your feelings, and I would like to say that I share your feelings. I only felt the need to point out that your anger is aimed towards a person whose sympathy to the gay cause is incontestable, and that is somewhat unreasonable. This opportunity could have been used more efficiently to raise awareness of homophobia and discrimination, and your time and energy could have been used more wisely to educate rather than hate.

I advise you not let your momentary reaction, comprehensible as it may be, even if somewhat excessive, turn into a grudge against Haifa. I do hope you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive her for her unintended gaffe. And I urge you to reconsider your position and channel your anger and frustration more productively on gay rights issues. Falsely accusing people of homophobia and bigotry in this abusive manner is irresponsible and detrimental to the LGBT cause. The kind of attack you are resorting to is counterproductive to the gay cause and does not help resolve the sexual stigma and discrimination against homosexuals. You are alienating and abusing a true supporter. The anxiety resulting from such aggressive external pressure to avoid behavior that could be construed as prejudiced, in otherwise tolerant individuals, is certainly not conductive to positive interaction and to the raising of awareness and proper sensitization of the public on the issue. Lashing out on an obvious ally such as Haifa, for a mere unfortunate misunderstanding, is simply irrational and unfair. Having someone of her stature and influence as an ally is an undeniable asset. She owned up to her mistake, she was responsible and held herself accountable. Haifa's experience has brought widespread attention to the importance of tackling homophobic language and its deeply hurtful impact, and will hopefully help make the use of this kind of language unacceptable regardless of intent. Haifa also used the opportunity to publicly reassert her support and loyalty to the gay community, and at the very least, I believe, she is owed your respect and forgiveness.

#LOVE #PEACE #PRIDE #HaifaWehbe #haifa wehbe #LGBT #GayRights #Homophobia

[thegleerealworld-blog]

Welcome to The Real World house, ENEA! We are very excited to have KURT HUMMEL here at the Real World house. Don’t forget to send in your account within 24 hours and make sure to re-read the rules and check out the navigation so you know what tags to track! We can’t wait for you to join us.

BEHIND THE SCENES:

Name: Enea. Age: 19 (but joining the 20 club in 3 weeks) Timezone: GMT +1 Activity Level: I’d call myself a 7 or 8 out of 10 when it comes to activity. I’m not busy with school or work for the next few months so it might be a little better until then. Previous Accounts: Removed for privacy. Triggers: Removed for privacy. Anything else?: Removed for privacy.

READY, SET, ACTION:

Character Name: Kurt Hummel. Date of Birth: March 5th. Sexuality: Homosexual. Occupation: Blogger / Event Management. Current Location: New York, New York. Three Positive Traits: Loyal, driven, calm. Three Negative Traits: Insecure, impulsive, stubborn.

Biography:

Even in a big city like New York, growing up wasn’t an easy task and Kurt Hummel could tell you all about it. Being mostly raised by his dad after the death of his mom when he was eight, many probably expected him to take over the family garage once he was done with high school, but it quickly became clear that that wouldn’t be the case. It had been in middle school that Kurt had opened up to the beauty of the world of fashion and even a blind man could see that it was a love that wouldn’t die without reason. It wasn’t rare that it formed a reason for others to pick on him in high school, but the dreams that he had about college were what helped him through. Until they didn’t.

Aside from his many fashion statements (some more successful than others), there had been one more passion dominating his life: musical theater. In the years he had spend at the local community theater, he had definitely been one of the best. But that dream was soon crushed after getting his long awaited letter from NYADA. Not accepted. The words had been printed on his eyelids, his world falling apart just a little bit more every time he thought of it. After a good two months of moping around, even going out in the only pair of joggings he had in his closet, it had been his father coming with an idea. One Kurt never would have expected from his dad. “Take one year to find out where your paths going to go and make it come true." And so it became history. Kurt’s year off has mostly consisted out of working at the local Starbucks and helping out his dad at the garage in the weekends in order to finance his Summer spend in Paris. It had taken a while to find a new perspective on his future, but his dad’s plan payed off. After spending two months abroad to reinvent himself, he started his event management studies.

Kurt’s first year of college had been like starting a new life. The things that had been holding him down now gave him a chance to meet new people. Suddenly there was a group of friends around him that took him for exactly who he was. And even something a little closer… It had been only then that Kurt realized he had to come clean about one more thing to his father. He had turned twenty by the time he finally confirmed what he, and probably the rest of the world, had already known for years. Coming out to his dad had been a lot easier than he had imagined it for what must have been hundreds of times over the past couple of years. And after finally giving in on his feelings for Kyle, it also became a year full of firsts. But good stories never tend to last long. Not long before their first anniversary, Kyle confessed to having feelings for another guy. A guy that must have been some model, judging by his looks, that he could never battle up to. And so his second year at college became the year of his first heartbreak. One he drowned by focusing on school and visiting as many events as he could with his friends, calling it research. And it couldn’t be called a lie entirely as it was then that he started documenting the amazing, sometimes exclusive nights, by blogging about them. And to his surprise, people were actually interested. It was at one of the more exclusive nights that he was recognized for his blog for the first time. The guy was definitely handsome, charismatic and well dressed (something that could never escape Kurt’s eye). Oh, and double his age. Yet, an odd but close friendship formed between him and Stephen.

It didn’t surprise many of his friends when that friendship turned into something more. But that definitely got made up by the confused speech of his father. Yet, they surprised everyone for holding it out longer than everyone expected. As Kurt finished his last year at college while also seeing the daily views of his blogs rise quickly, they moved in together. Despite many people having their own opinions on the age difference between them, they were happy.

As he graduated, Kurt could immediately start at the firm he had done his internship at, a chance he couldn’t say 'no’ to. A few more years passed and things were looking up. Except for one thing: the small feeling in his stomach that told him that maybe he wasn’t where he was supposed to be, and that grew every time he spend another night at home alone as Stephen was once again abroad for his work. Until it became too much, and he left.

It had been over a glass of wine a couple of weeks later that he had met up with one of his old college friends. ”You haven’t lived yet. You see people our ages doing all those crazy things on television. Don’t you want at least a fraction of that?“ A seed had been planted. One that he couldn’t get rid of.

Para Sample: Removed for privacy.

YOUR FIRST CONFESSIONAL:

WHY ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR THE REAL WORLD? Sometimes in life you just have to turn off a switch inside of your head, and do something crazy. It’s been a while since I did that, so I have some crazy to catch up on. So here I am, auditioning for 'the Real World’ and hopefully soon changing things up again.

WHAT AND WHO ARE YOU LEAVING BEHIND BACK HOME? I recently moved back in with my dad - I know, no need to comment - who might have gotten used again to seeing my face around a lot. I know from experience that he has it a little harder with letting go than he dares to admit. You should probably cut that last part out, since he will deny it until the end of times. Of course there’s some friends at home, but since they’re basically the ones who spend weeks convincing me to audition, I doubt they’ll be sad about seeing me go.

WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO GAIN IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS IN SAN FRANCISCO? I definitely hope to meet some new people. I’m sure that that’s what everyone answers in these things, but it’s the truth. But if I’m looking at the bigger picture, maybe just a new fresh breeze in my life. I just want to see if this experience will change me. If it does, I might have to go out and find a new direction to go in. Or it could tell me to just enjoy the one I’m already heading in. I’d be open for either.

WHILE ON THE REAL WORLD, AMERICA IS WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE. WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO SAY TO THE VIEWERS AT HOME? Dad, please stop watching right now.

#accepted #grwaccepted

[duanecbrooks]

A Sight For Sore Eyes     It's what could be called an old-time flick, having been released in--steady yourself--1969.       It features two leads who have long, long, long since gone off the radar, namely Jacqueline Bisset and Jim Brown (Actually, Brown has only sunk from sight as an actor. He has for some time had a third-act career--he began as a pro-football heavyweight, remember?--as an entrepreneur).         Having been released in, as was mentioned, 1969, its filmic style and the motivations of its characters would, in this overflowing-with-political-correctness age, likely be dismissed as greatly dated, even rather philistine.               However...     As the theatrical film The Grasshopper, which first unspooled in said year and which stars said folks--and which, in a leonine change-of-pace, I saw not on DVD but (and this is not a typo) on YouTube--proves, it is very much worth re-visiting, being--say what you will about it being Old Hat--an incisively-written, maturely-directed and, its strongest suit, sensitively-performed drama about following dreams, dealing with what life throws at you while you pursue those dreams, and, at last finally, is a cautionary tale concerning the fate of those who thoroughly, totally surrender their positivism, who allow themselves to be entirely swept up in all the crap that comes their way. The long-popular assertion goes: "Be careful what you wish for, for you might well get it." What The Grasshopper, with considerable style and genuinely impressive intelligence, says is: "Be sure to have a realistic perspective about what you wish for, otherwise there'll be hell to pay."             Let's get to the picture itself.                 We open with its heroine, 19-year-old Christine Adams (Bisset), sneaking down the steps of her house and outside--the latter after leaving a good-bye note for, as we'll come to discover, her parents--carrying luggage and, eventually, getting into a convertible and driving off. After she goes a distance, we see her car conk out and Christine having to hitch a ride. As she and her driver are riding along, she fills him, and us, in on her story: She's going to L.A. to hook up with her boyfriend, who works in that city. Also: Her past home life was far from tranquil, as is demonstrated via a flashback, wherein Christine thinks back to her incessantly warring parents. It all culminates in Christine giving her driver, and us, a verbal sketch of what she wants her life to be ("It's very simple. What I want is to be totally happy, totally different, and totally in love"). In time she's taken up by one Danny Raymond (Corbett Monica, a stand-up performer who was quite popular at the time), a Las Vegas-based comic whose humor fails to impact our girl (He freely acknowledges: "I'm not too funny, but you can't expect brilliance in the middle of the desert").           We press on. While transporting Christine, Raymond stops off at his employment base, namely Vegas, where he attends to some business and Christine takes in the sights and, in time, is summoned back to Raymond's side (He has the hotel announcer intone: "Will Christine The Hitchhiker please report to the front desk?"). Eventually she, and we, meet Tommy Marcott (Brown), a former pro-football star who is employed by the hotel as, well, a lure, as a celebrity whose fame is used to bring in customers. We also see Raymond trying to get close to Christine and she firmly resisting ("No, Danny. I like you. You're a lot of fun") but Raymond not being in the least dissuaded ("Stick around a few more minutes. I hate to be alone"). At last finally Christine gets to L.A. and Eddie, with whom she entreats to have a baby with her. Yet life with Eddie turns out to be far from the Paradise Lost she imagined and hoped it would be, as her job as Eddie's sister bank teller, she finds out to her dismay, is routine and boring (In an attempt to put some life into her life, she hands a customer the following note: "This is a hold-up. Give me your money and don't touch the alarm"). At one point she goes for a walk and, gazing into the windows of the other apartments, she sees the inhabitants fighting between themselves and otherwise engaged in the kind of dullish, mind-numbing activities she hates with a passion. Thus our gal leaves Eddie and returns to Vegas and Raymond.             To go forward: At first Christine's hooking back with Raymond turns out to be very pleasant for both of them (We see Christine happily lying in bed next to Raymond and his saying into the phone: "I gotta go now, 'cause there's this gorgeous girl just dyin' for my body"). Yet it all ends when Christine is informed by Raymond that his ex and their offspring are coming to visit. Next we see our heroine audition for a position as a showgirl. At first her auditioner is quite skeptical (Christine: "I did Little Women in school." Auditioner: "Did you do it nude?"), telling her: "Showgirls gotta have gigantic tickets [breasts]." Christine doesn't shirk at the least upon hearing this, firing back: "In my hometown I was considered one of the over-developed girls." At last finally Christine unbuttons her blouse and proudly shows her auditioner her "tickets," which causes the auditioner to happily hire her (The auditioner asks Arnold, his barber at the time: "Would you pay $12.50 to look at that [Christine's fully-exposed bosom]?" When Arnold smiles affirmatively, that to the auditioner is the deciding factor, which causes Christine to say: "Thank you, Arnold"). From there we witness our girl as part of the hotel's regular showgirl line-up and getting the 411 from a sister showgirl ("There are only two kinds of dancers in this line: great dancers and girls with friends") and, later, catching a performance by the hotel's resident rock group, The Ice Pack, wherein she becomes fast friends with a devoutly homosexual member of the group. Their friendship develops to the point where Christine informs him of her hopes and dreams ("I was thinking of becoming a stewardess...I like people. Maybe I'll meet a nice guy") and, after debating whether God did indeed create the world or whether the human race evolved from monkeys, standing side-by-side one night and gazing at the stars (Christine: "When you look out there, there's got to be a God." Homosexual buddy: "Or one hell of a monkey").     Going on: Christine's former beau Eddie comes to town, accompanied by his wife and their baby, all of whom, after a visit with Christine, make her quite wistful. Afterward she has further association with Marcott, who makes it abundantly clear that he kowtows to nobody unless he absolutely has to ("I used to be eight years old...I don't say anything unless I mean it"), and rebels when, during a conversation with some financiers, his employer casually manhandles him ("Don't do that, man. You make me feel like a piece of meat"). We then see Christine and Marcott riding a merry-go-round and the former further contending what she wants and expect regarding her life ("Sure I know what I want out of life. No, I don't. Yes, I do") and the workings of her inner self ("No matter where I am or what I'm doing, somewhere in the back of my head I'm thinking somebody is having more fun than I am"). They talk more and they exchange dialogue on Christine's priorities concerning her romantic life (Christine: "I hurt that guy I grew up with [Eddie]. And he hurt me." Marcott: "Everybody gets hurt"). Christine fervently urges that she and Marcott live together rather than get married but he loses no time shooting down that notion ("I've been that route. I don't want a chick to shack up with. I don't want a pad, I want a home"). At long last they decide to elope, which, when the woman at the Vegas chapel they turn to sees them with another couple, makes her quite antsy (Woman, into the phone: "I'm serious, Ted. A white girl, a Negro, a Jap, and a sissy").             Grasshopper moves forward. Now Ms. Tommy Marcott, Christine sets herself to getting her new hubby a less degrading job with the hotel. While swimming, she pushes to one of the aforementioned hotel's bigwigs for Marcott to given higher standing and, when the bigwig balks, she flatly spits water in his face. Next we see her with another hotel higher-up making the same case and, again, being unsuccessful (Higher-up: "Only your husband is special at shaking hands." Christine, walking angrily away: "You're a bastard"). The ante is upped when Roosevelt Decker (Ramon Bieri), a particularly wealthy financier, enters Christine's life. She--unwisely, as she, and we, will come to discover--accompanies him to his hotel suite and, not surprisingly, Decker loses no time in making a play for her. Also not surprisingly, she fully rebuffs him ("Mr. Decker, I really enjoy talking to you. Can't we just be friends?"). Decker, alas for her, doesn't take this well, first openly disparaging Christine's hubby ("I'm as good as any nigger"), then going on from there to literally beat the crap out of her. When she arrives home afterward, she shuts herself up in the bathroom. When Marcott forcefully orders her to open the damned door ("If you don't open the door, I'm gonna break it down"), she does and he, along with us, get a full view of her battered and bruised face. Cut to Decker playing golf and Marcott coming after him right there on the greens. Decker runs away but Marcott soon catches up to him and gives him the same aggressive beating that he gave Marcott's wife. The very next scene has the Marcotts in a car, hubby at the wheel, driving away from Vegas and he making it fulsomely clear that from now on their lives are going to be very different ("I'm gonna find myself a job where I don't have to play the clown. And you're gonna be my wife").             We continue. We next see our young lady at a laundromat, washing clothes and unmistakably bored peeless. In an attempt to enliven things, she spreads laundry detergent upon the floor and does an impromptu dance for the others doing their laundry. Following is a scene where Christine's old buddies, The Ice Pack, sneak up on her and following that are scenes wherein she had the same blast with them as before. It all bleeds into her growing disenchantment with her life with Marcott and it culminates in her flat-out confronting him (Christine, standing defiantly over him as he's sitting in a chair: "You don't really like my friends [The Ice Pack], do you?" Marcott: "Look, Chris, are you trying to start a fight?" Christine, still defiantly: "Yeah, maybe I am. Anything to liven things up around here"). Yet Christine comes to shake off her antagonism toward her husband and open herself to him ("I thought if I loved you, everything would be all right"). Things, however, go badly when Marcott, in the midst of shooting hoops on outdoor basketball grounds, is fatally gunned down, no doubt by a fellow specifically hired by Decker. This of course devastates Christine, who deals with her mega-anguish by, during the ride back from the funeral, ordering the driver to stop and pick up these two hippie types whom she sees standing around ("I don't give a damn what you think! Pick them up or I'm gonna jump out!"). We proceed to see Christine pouring her heart out to her homosexual pal ("The worst part is, I can't even grieve for Tommy...If only I knew [my crying] was for Tommy and not for me") and said buddy coming clean regarding whether or not she'll get justice concerning Marcott's murder ("I don't think [the authorities are] even gonna touch Rosie Decker"). Having experienced the real deal in the aforementioned way, Christine returns to Vegas and her former employer, who offers her financial assistance--which she adamantly refuses ("Wait, let me get my tin cup"). Her ex-boss then suggests that she go back to hometown and try for "civilian" work--a suggestion she also rejects ("And be a secretary for $300.00 a week?...I don't want my life to be a cliche"). It's here where her former boss-man throws down the gauntlet: "You're not that talented. You got a pretty face and a nice body...You're an average girl. Why are you knocking yourself out [to Be Somebody]?" Our heroine's response cuts right to the heart of the matter: "Why not?"             Going forth: Christine next hooks up with one Richard Sherman (Joseph Cotten), a highly rich older man who gives her a fur coat. Christine, naturally overjoyed at receiving such a present, hugs Sherman--which brings forth a lighthearted admonishment from him ("Christine, you'll break something!...There are certain rules you must follow when you're dating an older man"). Christine, for her part, solemnly assures him that he really and truly is The One ("I think what I've always wanted was a mature man, someone with whom I can have a real relationship"). Yet we next see the utter insincerity of her words, as we see her making out bare-ass-naked in the shower with Jay (Christopher Stone), a singer with The Ice Pack, who's also jaybird-naked. Christine, along with the rest of us, get the inside skinny on Jay's doings since Christine last saw him ("I didn't leave [The Ice Pack]. They fired me") and she gives him, and us picturegoers, the inside skinny about her actual needs ("I need someone. I'm lonely, Jay. I want to be in love"). Next: Christine is back with Sherman, who warmly extols her ("I'm not going to bore you with the old story of my wife not understanding me...You saved the day"). Afterward we see Chris back with Jay, who angrily lights into her ("Do you love me, Christine, or do you just think you do?...[W]hy don't you try the only thing you were ever any good at--balling?"). Jay winds up leaving Christine a "Dear John" note, and Christine, having reached the end of her rope emotionally/psychologically, gets this pilot to sky-write "Fuck it." (This being 1969, we natch don't see the full statement) As Christine is being taken in by the cops, she's asked how old she is. She replies rather listlessly: "22," which says volumes about all she's been through and the emotional/psychological toll it's all taken on her.             There's The Grasshopper, a skillfully-made cautionary tale about what happens to those who don't take care while pursuing their dreams. Ramon Bieri wholly chills the blood as Christine's eventual assaulter. The men in her life--Brown, Cotten, Monica, Stone--are all virile and appealing, each in their own ways, to make you see why Christine stayed with them as long as she did. The then-red-hot writing team of Garry Marshall and Jerry Belson (also Grasshopper's producers) come up with many engaging characters and many heart-tugging romantic entanglements. And as director, Jerry Paris--who would work with Garry in the future, helming many a Happy Days episode--deftly pushes the proceedings along, never, ever allowing even an iota of schmaltz or grandstanding to show. And one of the picture's key numbers, "Used To Be," is sung with impressive feeling by the intensely-beloved Carol Burnett sidekick Vicki Lawrence.               And at last finally there's Jacqueline Bisset. She is, quite simply, radiant. With her stylish beauty, her beauty-queen charm, and her lightning-rod energy, she absolutely walks off with the picture. Her smooth good looks and her volcanic sexiness positively dominate every scene she's in, easily heralding her breakthrough performance in her signature theatrical film The Deep (Fess up: Is there any one of us men who, when we look back on said picture, does not mightily drool at the memory of the opening when, while underwater, Bisset exposed her oh-so-succulent breasts?). Indeed, it's Bisset's Grasshopper portrayal that brings out this unarguable fact: Motion pictures were the most effective as a visual medium, when they entirely eschewed aesthetic considerations and presented luscious, well-bodied players who enchanted us with their vitality and their charm. It was the 1950s cinematic sexpot Ava Gardner who, in her classic personal/professional memoir, freely acknowledged, concerning her heyday: "I wasn't an actress--none of us kids at Metro [-Goldwyn-Mayer] were. We were just good to look at." In point of fact--and Bisset in Grasshopper abundantly proved this--pictures were at their best when they sidestepped artistic aspirations and simply gave us performers who "were...good to look at." (Television is, in the main, fantastically moronic. But the redemptive factor regarding it is that it's a visual medium. There's none of this crap about the director or about how some star "fell in love with the script." All that's necessary is to put Pamela Anderson or Carmen Electra or whoever on camera showing skin--or to put Kerry Washington on camera, period--and the battle is won)                     It was the fiercely-esteemed big-screen director Bruce Beresford who, in a forward to a compilation of picture reviews by a then-well-known critic, asserted: "I know it's not politically correct to say it...but...watching beautiful girls can do a lot to relieve tedium." It is "watching" Jacqueline Bisset, the "beautiful girl" of The Grasshopper, that "does a lot" to keep said picture from becoming "tedious." And how glad we are to have that specific "relief."

#1969 #jacqueline bisset #jim brown #the grasshopper #youtube #dreams #christine adams #Tommy Marcott #las vegas #l.a. #joseph cotten #Garry Marshall and Jerry Belson #jerry paris #used to be #vicki lawrence #the deep #ava gardner #Bruce Beresford