#or maybe a venn diagram thats a circle

[chicago-poet]

idk i went back and forth on whether to post this bc i dont make a lot of posts and idk why i expect people to care but also i do want to tell someone and have other people know so.

super long confusing musings on my sexuality and stuff under the cut. its long so u dont have to read it but id like it if u could like the post if u wanted please n thank u 💖💖

like ok so for a long time now ive id'ed as an ace lesbian and felt at home with that and now bc of circumstances and reasons ive started thinking again.

but a part of me has always felt so disconnected from other lesbians like they all understood something i didnt and i loved the solidarity and community of being a lesbian but i didnt really understand such a big part of it. wrt being in love and sex and all. like i think i confused wanting that closeness and intimacy as being the same thing as feeling it.

and like i guess the turning point of that is that like i do want companionship and someone in my life but the way i want it is never the way other people do even through casual dating etc like sex and romance...the way i want those things are so specific to me and its feels like a venn diagram thats a circle and no one else is ever going to share that with me. maybe someday but its such a slim window to fit into that i cant expect it of other people right now.

but ive been reading abour qprs bc thats another thing ive been super critical on in the past (and i still kinda cringe hearing it) and i mean on one hand qweerplatonic feels like one of those tumblrisms thats code for "my discord relationship" and i feel like when you have a community based on a lack of something people fill the vacuum with like. fandoms and strawman comics. like im adult that pays taxes i dont have squishes on anyone.

but like that aside. i do get it. i like my independence and not having to compromise on things and it would be nice to have a life partner who is similar in those things but still wants the emotional intimacy and exclusivity and commitment of a partner. and qpr is like the best way to explain what i need to other people ig

and in that way i finally understood that like. being acearo is a very specific way to want a connection with someone and u do need words for that so u can find other people like u bc most people dont feel like that and its not wrong to want words to explain what u want to other people and if qpr is the best way to phrase it then i guess im stuck with it.

and then its like so do i feel attraction??? have i ever? but im still gay?? how can i be gay and also acearo? but it makes sense to me bc like i want a partner someday and it is more than a friendship. like in the past ive had very intense girl friendships that blurred the line where we would cuddle and hold hands and talk abot getting married and everyone negged us about dating/thought we were dating and ive always been the one to shy away from it when it came down to finally confront it.

but then when it comes time to say if were gfs i just....dodge the question forever. and i feel guilty about stringing ppl along like that bc i know they want something more than that and im ignoring it. like ive always been happiest in that gray undefined zone thats more than friendship but not quite dating.

like ive always been free with affection and then uncomfortable when someone (understantably) wants it to mean something more. ive always been the one whos not as into the other person while theyre enamoured with me. like my ex just used to gaze at me and say they love me and id be like .....thanks....you too! bc i did love them and i thought we wanted the same things. but it was complicated.

ALL THIS is to say that if i do enter in some kind of life partnership somehow it would still be with a woman or non binary person most likely bc i feel most comfortable with them and still dont like men in that way. so im still gay?

but u know. i identified as bi before as a lesbian before and then an ace lesbian so right now im in a phase of my life where aromantic asexual lesbian is the best way to describe me and im okay with that. it doesnt have to make sense to anyone else but me. it can be contradictory and confusing and "incorrect" but like if thats what i feel descibes me best then thats how im gonna be. its lonely but its also freeing because at least now i realize that i know what i want and i can have what i want if i meet the right person someday.

flowers for u if u read this far down💐💐💐💐💐💐 thank u to anyone who read any of that.

#the mortifying ordeal of spilling ur guts on tumblr dot com

[vulpiximisa]

the royal tutor review

I originally started this series a while ago, because i wanted to something to watch, and i was in the mood for boys. (Like boys being stupid boys.) There werent any seiyuu in it that i was super into but (dont call the cops) Heine was exactly my type (tiny saiki lookin man), so here we are. 

I actually wasnt sure what genre the series was supposed to be. Yeah I could have looked it up and the general synopsis only told me so much, but I wanted to judge for myself instead of the label given. (See Gunjou no Fanfare) Anyway, the anime ops/eds kind of paint it in a Heine Harem kind of way but the series makes it feel kind of reverse at some point. In the end, its just pretty boys doing silly things and being close to everyone. I  guess this is what a shoujo is supposed to be when its not just slice of life romance. (I keep saying I dont consume much shoujo but I guess I must have if I can tell the difference.)

Uhhhh I dont have a huge paragraph essay for the characters because theyre not super deep. I again, wasn’t sure what kind of genre the series was so I wasn’t sure how deep Heine’s past was going to be. (I somehow thought there would be supernatural elements to it) 

The brothers are, what they are, I thought Licht was going to be my least favorite because the playboy types are reaaaally not my type, but I ended up liking him the most when we got to his cafe episode. Bruno, I guess would be my second fav because unfortunately I have a weakness to megane charas. Kai is Kai, gentle giants are nice, but usually not my automatic favs. Leonhart I knew would be my least favorite because I don’t care too much for the tsundere type. I just thought it was fun that he was the second youngest while Licht was the youngest.

I started the first two episodes a looooong time ago, so I literally forgot that there was a fifth brother (Eins) until Count Rosenberg was doing shit and Im like, who the fuck is he working for. Had to look him up. I guess he makes more appearances in the manga. Iunno. Ill watch the movie in a bit, we’ll see what thats about.

I said in a tag that the shoujo and bl artists venn diagram are pretty much a circle, so I would not be surprised if anyone caught any bl undertones with any of the boys with their brothers and or with Heine. (dont call the cops) And of course Heine and Victor, which I wish we got a little more of, other than the single flashback. (I guess Eins and Rosenberg but I have only seen the anime but I guess theres something there) 

Uhhhhhhhhh at the end of the day, nice little show. Not something I would highly recommend to anyone. It was a little slow for me in the beginning, maybe because Leonhart was the first focus and I didn’t care about him too much. Despite the abundance of chibis, the show wasn't actually funny. It was entertaining in different ways but I don’t think I actually laughed as much as I would have liked. (Well, its not a comedy) But yeah, pretty boys and pretty boy relations. That’s a genre I guess. 

#pixi watches anime #re the royal tutor

[gayspock]

giggles . a rant again....

but like litttttterally: i keep seeing this one video stitched on tiktok, where someone is interviewing people (i think its on campus?) and asking them "Do you support gay marriage?" and its a pretty shocking split in general, but like... in particular, one of the last ppl asked is a girl who's just like "no". and all the stitches i mentioned and all the comments on the video are ppl being like HAHAAA WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? THE CLOSET IS MADE OF GLASS!!!!

and maybe im taking it too srsly. (as in: its likely half those ppl ARE making the tired hahaha, the bigot is just a repressed ~gay~ person joke!!! -like wow, uh... rofl i guess...) but also like, sigh... incoming: a little guy rambling! bc it just feels sooo ridiculous its like-

its like dont get me wrong: it's silly bananas to wholly disconnect presentation from identity, yah? dont be goofy. like there's obviously a rich history and culture there that i wouldnt think to dismiss. but also its like.......

mmhmm. agreed u will have in jokes with ur friendship group, sure, or even wider communities of ppl but at a point u have to like disconnect. especially nowadays. its like... for real like. jokes out the room, bc ppl there are CONVINCED: somehow, bc the girl is wearing flannel over a shirt, and quirky glasses she MUST be closeted or hasn't "figured it out yet". despite the fact she quite literally... just said That with her chest? 🤨 ok...

and its again like. constantly conflating personal styles with identities like this: again, again, again like i said it is a complex thing of course- one im not fully equipped to, like, fully explore myself i know, its hardly my wheelhouse- but like... with our current social climate, and the way our identities (which i say in general, as it's applicable to uhhh a lot of things) are becoming more and more commodified. like suureee babe. these "styles" are "gay", or whatever through the myopic view of your experiences.

and god- it fucking sucks so bad, but you also have to realise that increasingly nowadays a lot of this fashion is just. all totally. sanitised to be sold, and theres sooo much wrong with like- INSISTING a person's identity, solely on the way they look or extending that to regard any behaviour or personal taste or material possessions they own. like it's something grating and kind of irritating even to begin with, but then can sooo quickly devolve into things that are genuinely isolating and harmful in so many ways. so many of these trends esp- they'll overlap with whiteness, with gender conformity, and with other conventions that just are not applicable ! theyre only applicable to ppl in those groups. like- newsflash? cuffing jeans and drinking starbucks isnt, like, a bisexual thing for real for real, jokes aside... thats literally just something i think a third of ppl ik personally do, bc a lot of the ppl i know are young 20 somethings. whod have thunk it....

#Egg.txt #literally. one thats floated a lot #not a clothing one but a- ''wow #every person that listens to [insert musician] is gay!'' #like- yeah uh. babygirl #if you're running a harry styles stan account on twitter and interacting with ppl in your demographic.... yes. all the gay ppl you meet the #and sure- maybe a large number of harry styles' fans are gay (idk #idc<3) but babygirl if you're drawing a venn diagram #the circle representating his fans is comparable to the full stop at the end of the monolith of #''gay people'' #and just bc ur sitting inside that itsy bitsy circle and swarmed by gay harry styles fans doesnt mean... #tht like... all gay ppl like harry styles despite thats all you can see.......... #since thats wht ur surrounded by.... #and thats such a tame example but god...

[milfmacbeth]

hello i am first-only but tumblr rawdogged my main during purge times so this is technically a side blog even tho i cant access the main :) anyway, a quick barrage of fandom related get-to-know-you asks because thats why we're here: what would you say is your all time otp that has a special place in your heart? what ship/character was the focus of the best (or most special to you) fic youve ever read (and which is that 👀)? do you still ship your first fandom ship? whats the hardest tumblr has screwed up your experience - of fandom or just.. the site itself being a Mess? (ok that last one might be thematic lkfhjs)

hi!! <3

first of all, have an F in the chat for your blog. this our home truly deserves the title of hellsite.

thanks for all the questions! (this is going to be long, rambly, and slightly horny)

what would you say is your all time otp that has a special place in your heart?

all time otp? not sure i'm ready for that kind of commitment. currently eating my brain? jonelias from the magnus archives.

it's one of those unhealthy and fucked up beyond measure ships, rife with power dynamics and manipulation (you know, the good shit), and it's got so much potential (potential that was utterly wasted by canon, mind you). if you're familiar with hannibal, it's a very similar dynamic to hannigram (and by 'very similar' i mean the venn diagram is a fucking circle except the 'feeding on people' part is not quite so literal).

elias is a manipulative bastard who's pulling all the strings but jon is practically a demigod and that makes for such an interesting power dynamic! and not to be an eliasfucker on main, but (spoiler) i would absolutely, willingly let him use me to bring about the apocalypse. rip to jon but i'm different. couple that with the fact that i have a huge voice kink and both jon and elias have excellent voices, and you've got yourself a ship i'll be screaming about for quite some time.

what ship/character was the focus of the best (or most special to you) fic youve ever read (and which is that 👀)?

i have read so many good fics but the one that comes to mind is find your way by moonlight by blackkat (link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11737710/chapters/26449809)

it's a naruto vampire au (which might not sound like High Literature but hey, we're here to have a fun time, not a pretentious time). it's fairly obito-centric, has some excellent world-building, some very good smut, the perfect mix of fluff and angst, and it's funny. (it's also abandoned, which i'm sad about but i'll get over it)

one of the main reasons why i like it though, is that it has kept me reading. what you need to know about me is that i have the attention span of a drunk toddler. one shots are my friend and even though i pick up 1000 page doorstoppers on the regular, i'm a slow reader and i genuinely dread reading fic that's longer than maybe 30k. so for me to devour this 135k monstrosity in a weekend is some black magic fuckery and i don't know how i did it but i'm glad i did.

do you still ship your first fandom ship?

yes.

i don't even know what my first fandom was, so i'm going to go with the first piece of media i remember getting well and truly obsessed with: pirates of the caribbean. first ship (of many) was elizabeth swann/jack sparrow. i was like twelve and i didn't ship it in the go-look-up-fic-and-art fandom sense (i barely even knew what fandom was back then) but i did ship it in the fantasize-about-it-an-unhealthy-amount sense. i like it to this day and that one scene in dead man's chest where she kisses him to distract him from being handcuffed to the mast so he can't escape the kraken, after which he smirks and lovingly hisses "pirate" Awakened something in me that has yet to go to sleep. in conclusion, it is the year of our lord 2021 and i'm still potc trash, a franchise that hasn't been good in 14 years.

whats the hardest tumblr has screwed up your experience - of fandom or just.. the site itself being a Mess?

i'm pretty sure being on tumblr has given me irreparable brain damage. apart from discourse, my behated, i think the sheer awareness of fandom as a thing has soured some experiences. what i mean is that fandom is an option, not a necessity. you can watch a movie, have fun for 2h, and then never think about it again. you can just casually like things without posting about them all day every day. i guess i'm trying to remind myself of that.

other than that, the worst (best?) thing tumblr did to my fandom experience is give me a massive inferiority complex because everyone is on here writing eloquent literature analysis essays about themes and symbolism whereas i'm just like: there are characters... some of them are hot... some of them are important...

(tagging you just in case @first-only)

#holy fuck this got long #thank you so much for asking!!

[whelpokaythen]

hey if you are a part of the lgbtqa+ community please read

*and give some advice if you’d like, i dont feel like i have anyone else to talk to about my sexuality — please be nice*

so i’ve been questioning my sexuality since i was 13 and identified as bisexual at age 17 came out to my friends as bi at 18 and now im 21 and questioning again (which im aware is perfectly valid :))

although it was known to me before, and when i was younger, i cant help but continue to find that people everywhere talk about sex all the time. it feels as if it is the only thing that is worth living for. i assumed it was because of how in today’s society we live with hyper-sexualization in media but now im not so sure.

so i thought maybe i just have a low libido like maybe it’s a side affect of my depression or something else medical but then i had a thought that perhaps, i am asexual

and over the past few weeks i’ve read alot of articles about asexuality and some make me feel like that label could apply and others make it sound like it’s not quite “me”

like yeah we could have sex or we could go to the aquarium, y’know? like as long as im spending time with you

so because my mind has gone dizzy in circles around the deciphering of my sexuality i decided to list the things i know for fact (because what else is there to do besides overshare on the internet to a bunch of strangers?)

i find some men attractive

i find some women attractive

i find some non-binary people attractive

i’ve figured out my “types”

personality of a partner is important but i think looks are important too (thats not shallow, right?)

the thought of sex sounds intimate and i would like it to be taken as a serious and personal moment, at least for the first few times

after dating someone for a while i’d like sex to be fun and funny and less intimate but also sometimes romantic and intimate

(dont know if this is because i am a virgin but) i will not have sex until im sure we could date a long while or until it feels right

i do not desperately crave sex

but the concept of it sounds nice

i do not masturbate more than like once every two months

i read and enjoy gay/lesbian/straight romance fan fiction (usually slowburn haha)

i’ve kissed people before

i like kissing people

i’ve cuddled people before

i like cuddling people

i am a virgin

the thought of oral sex is not appealing to me what so ever :/

i am a cis woman

i am also comfortable with labels such as gay (as an umbrella term), bi, sapphic (sorry if i use that wrong but it’s a comfortable label to me), femme, and now ace feels pretty comfortable too

and i’ve thought about demi-romantic which kinda fits but it doesnt seem right either depending, again, on the definion

basically i feel like a three way venn diagram

and i dont even know if this is a thing or if it is valid which is why i bring my case to tumblr so maybe someone can help or bring advice/comfort

like some people can be straight and ace right? so i can be bi and ace?

it feels safer to remain where i am under the bisexual umbrella but now that ace sounds safe too and oh man i just run myself in circles. then i breathe and i realize in the long run that the only title that really fits me best is “Me” so as long as i know that i’ll be alright :)

#whelpokaythen #me #bi #bisexual #demiromantic #asexual #ace #lgbtq #lgbt #thoughts #homosexuality #femme #gay #lesbian #validation

[lizzy-frizzle]

I remember in my educational psychology class (thats the name of the class Im not just saying that the class was educational) we were going over some theory about visages. I dont remember it too well but I remember this venn diagram looking ass thing, where the two circles were your Ideal Self and your Actual Self, and the less aligned the circles were the more mentally distraught you were. I distinctly remember doodling my own diagram where the circles were just next to each other, cause I was doing that bad, mentally. But maybe that was also just me going, "wow. I hate my body and wish I was a girl" before I figured it out 5 years later.

#trans stuff #psychology

[shipping-isnt-morality]

ffffff listen im sorry if im spamming your asks but i feel like people are... misunderstanding my point about non-con abo I wasnt coming down on abo for having non-conny tropes. I LOVE abo for that. I was saying its better to indulge a non-con kink than to pretend that it ISNT a non-con kink thats all omg. yes, let people have the non-con fetish fics thats my jam thats my good shit ffs.

no worries!

FWIW though I don’t…. think…..? people think you’re saying that you can’t enjoy noncon tropes. At least that wasn’t my impression of the conversation.

My understanding of the nuance we all (more or less?) agree on is:

- It’s fine for people to like non-con & associated tropes- it’s fine for people to like ABO- the circles of “ABO fic” and “non-con” fic is a Venn diagram. how big the overlap is seems to depend on your personal experience, but (giving the best benefit of the doubt to everyone involved) some-but-not-all ABO fic is non-con.- Fics that are noncon/dubcon should be tagged as such, without exception, regardless of how romantic or fluffy it is or how much the characters actually wanted it or couldn’t help it or said it was ok after the fact, &c &c &c.- Debatably, fics that explore ABO fics with less rapey tropes are on the rise. Without specific data, it’s hard to say whether it genuinely is (I’ve seen a couple examples to suggest that it, at least, exists) or if people are taking the same rapey tropes but removing the warning. The former is good, or at least neutral (yay, evolution of fandom and exploring consent in fantasy situations!); the latter is definitely bad.- In reality its probably a bit of both, so we all just have to keep talking about what consent is and why impaired consent isn’t possible and continue enjoying our fiction while making sure that our understandings of “consent” stays consistent and accurate.

……. So.Enjoying noncon fic is good. Writing A/B/O fic that isn’t non-con is fine, too. Not enjoying any of these things, or not understanding why other people would but allowing that they have the right to like things you don’t get? Also fine.

Honestly, I’m just happy that this is getting people to talk about the meaning of consent and debunking some rape myths, even (maybe especially?) if we’re debating whether rape is being depicted rather than whether rape occurred.

Any teaching moment that doesn’t involve dragging through the trauma of an actual victim is good in my book.

#a/b/o dynamics #rape mention

[shrimpcache]

Journal entry 6/6/21

Feeling lots of things, thinking lots of thoughts, remembered my idea to do journals here. id rather you didnt reblog but i cant exactly stop you either, and its not like anyone important to not see this is really on tumblr. anyways.

I hate this stupid situation with this passport- i want to go to italy, id love to be anywhere that isnt the piedmont anymore. at least anywhere that isnt the same suburb with the same roads and street signs and city design and construction where i used to see forests and fields. I want to see where my best friend grew up, im excited to see this new side and learn something new about someone so familiar to me. im excited to meet people whos language i dont speak, to just look at store signs and roads and cars that are unfamiliar without being frightening because theres someone next to me who knows what to do already. imagine me traveling and not stressing about how i need to know where i am at all times lest i get lost, or keeping track for my group of friends who is equally unfamiliar with somewhere that looks just like every north carolina town. new mountains, new people, new norms, new sounds in the morning, new sounds at night. will i miss the cicadas this summer? will it even matter?

the sad part is i dont know if my passport will get to me in time. I might have to take a day trip to vermont where i cant even explore national forests or non-chain restaurants. Ill have to walk into a passport facility without all my necessary documents and hope theyll see in the system that the fucking government still has my birth certificate. I want to go to europe. I want to get out of here so bad, but i never got my passport because things like that didn;t just happen to me.

Im not the one who gets the interesting summer trips. Always too broke, working, or i just cant justify to myself why i would just drop everything to go somewhere where i know nothing and know no one. Why that thought is so sad to me, “things that fun and cool just aren’t meant for me” 

Maybe its the insinuation that it is for other people. Does it just tie into this image i have of myself? this barely human person who just copies and mimics until people read me as one of them too? I think i really understand that artist now who makes adhd comics and draws herself with little alien antennae- i really do feel like an alien. even when I take adderol, it only really helps with the energy and executive dysfunction. Which is great!!! i love my adderoll and im so glad that i can feel a little bit more like a normal person, and im proud of myself pursuing it until i got it. But it doesn’t change that i wont ever be able to just relate to most people. Its like growing up with undiagnosed adhd created a Me and Them venn diagram, where everything that makes me who i am can never be in the center of the interlocking circles. The way i speak, how fast, how slow, how hesitant, how exuberant- i never realized how much i masked until i started talking with people whos brains worked at the same pace as mine. people who thought the strangest, unhelpful thoughts too. Im not trying to make myself special or some sort of ‘other’ in society -im a little white girl who grew up in a house with two floors and my own room, nothing was really working against me outside of myself. But having something inside of you that is unquestionably you and it just seems like youre the only one whos like this for no reason was just so hard. its kinda...harder now that i know none of it was because there was something inherently wrong with me.

sigh. this is all over the place. anyone who cares to read congrats on seeings how my brain connects thoughts in real time. i dont have aphantasia or anything but my imagination and thoughts have always been more word and language based than visual, so rather than having racing thoughts of intense images of memories my brain just produces sentences ed nauseum or whatever. Thoughts that i might not even agree with but they rile me up and pull me under anyway- if im stressed the stress just manifests as a tornado of sentences and phrases happening concurrently, like theres some sort of crowd in my head saying vaguely similar things out of time. or harsh things. or mean things. but i think thats kai’s fault. like when i was spiraling over a failing grade in chemistry in my dorm at 2am where i couldnt stop thinking that the only reason i hadnt killed myself already was because i was such a financial drain on everyone around me and i couldnt waste their money by dying. maybe theres a hint of truth in there but its so exaggerated. i havent killed myself because i want to live and experience my life as much as i experience the lives of others, but i also always feel this heavy burden of wasted money, wasted time, wasted potential, constantly stirring up my brain. 

this started with my passport, right? thats my stressor right now, and its pretty big so it bleeds into other parts of my life so easily. my therapist says i have this habit of replacing one stressor with another, and sometimes i can recognize it, but i dont think its getting replaced as much as its being amplified. Im waiting on my passport, which probably wont get here before my travel date, so ill have to fly to vermont and get one the day before i travel even though i already have one in processing. I spent $1400 on my ticket and i cant even transfer it to anyone without getting a refund or something, and i spent that much money without even knowing if i could travel. can i even get a refund? i worry about it as soon as i wake up, whenever i have a free moment to think, when im going to bed, when im playing games. when im doing anything that isnt working on getting my passport, even though i cant really do anything but call the same phone number and wait on hold for hours. but because im ‘not trying hard enough’ to get my passport, im too overwhlmed to do my laundry. to clean my room. to exercise my dog properly. im irritable. i just want to see my friends but i dont even talk about whats bothering me because im afraid to cry in front of them. im crying right now because this is the only outlet ive given myself to feel in literal months. writing always does this to me, drags me into emotions i dont realize im pushing down until the words just come out against my own will. i missed typing on my keyboard though. i missed thinking and seeing it in front of me, so i guess this is a sort of catharsis. i put some clothes in the laundry, at least. good job me. 

maybe this will all work out in the end and itll feel great. maybe ill get on a plane with my original ticket and have a fun few weeks away from everything ive always known. maybe ill set foot on a sidewalk ive never touched before! maybe ill get that tattoo. maybe things will be okay. i can focus on stuff working out too, if i try hard enough. i think im done writing now. half way through this i worked some stuff out with my friends and there are a few things that are less scary now than when i first started writing. see you next time

#journal #6/6/21 #personal #suicide ment #prefer it if you dont reblog

[brittlecrown-blog]

so what am i gonna be whining about, pining about here? eh? well here i go im gonna say it

im whats known as a little, i desperately crave a kind of partner called a caregiver. the acronym for the dynamic is “cgl” and im more than certain theres tons of drama and controversy because of how often i see those three letters on “dni” banners.

to call it a subsection of bdsm wouldnt be inaccurate but i dont think itd be the whole story either. its true that its very much a “ds” kind of thing about a near-constant power exchange but i dont really want it as like a sexy thing i just feel like im a little kid at heart and i dont know how to accept love in my life unless its from a parental figure. i dont know how to get by wanting to live without that kind of constant attention and adoration and guiding gentle nurturing love.

but i can see tons of prospective caregivers being abusers masquerading as cgs, and even then im already a lazy unmotivated and depressed sucker. so ill probably never find one. not to mention that the average person with a healthy understanding of sexuality would probably throw up hearing about this kind of relationship.

you know let alone the fact that it plays with age regression and childish things, folks in tiny kidlike states of mind, the venn diagram here between cgl and ddlg/mdlb looks like a circle to the lay man. i dont think its pedo-adjacent but i think it sure must LOOK pedo-adjacent to the average person.

let alone all that it must look so grossly unhealthy. to have one partner personally enjoying leeching off the other like this, completely dependent, needy physically and emotionally, and the other fulfilling their desire, their need to be needed in turn? ive heard cgl described as a “shared codependency” and like as someone who would kill to be someones little uhhhh yeah thats 100% right which just narrows the pool of people i might be with even further

i mean for gods sake i took that bdsm test thing and came up with 2% vanilla, 98% little boy/girl

so sorry earth. sorry that im needy and clingy and damaged in just the right way that i dont get love like the rest of you all. i dont get peer/peer love, never have never will. but affection like a parent gives to a child? that lights up the hole i feel in my heart. i just need to be adopted. i need to be taken in, kept safe from the outside world. i need someone i can give my trust to, and they can give back safety and security and love.

i need someone to wake me up in the mornings and make me breakfast cereals and help me get through my morning routine and go about my day and encourage me and praise me for doing well and scold me for misbehaving and put me down for naps and play games with me and when the day winds down theyll convince me its bedtime and theyll tuck me in and maybe read a story or give me a kiss and if we slept in the same bed then we’d cuddle and i’d have someone i could love with physical touch and have love me with their kind nurturing words. i just wanna be the little spoon just once in my life gods.

and then ill feel safe in my own skin again, ill be alright again.

but yeah theres the first nightly post, thats a description of my biggest issue r/n. im also struggling with sexual frustration too, you should know im 86% submissive and 90% degradee and just wanna be abused real real bad, so dont be surprised if you read something on this page about me wanting to be denied my orgasms or beat till i throw up or something cause that sounds pretty hot. the header says 18+. i warned ya kids. stay out. go find your porn on deviantart like i did when i was your age.