#or am i forever destined to live in despair

[queenshelby]

Our Little Secret (Part 46)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Infidelity, Age-Gap, Triggers

A week had passed since your abrupt departure from Los Angeles with your daughter Mara, spending all your savings on an earlier economy class flight to Dublin. 

You had to get away from Cillian as quickly as possible for now, to clear your head, and to decide what your next steps would be. 

Cillian, of course, had begged you to stay while he attended a few more press events and interviews, but you didn't even wait for him to explain himself to you. Immediately after hanging up the phone with Amanda, you had stormed through the hotel suite, bursting into tears silently as you packed a small bag, preparing to leave.

Over the next few days, right after you took the long journey back home with Mara, you struggled to process everything that had happened. Cillian tried to call you over and over again, but you never answered his calls. 

You wanted nothing more than to scream, to cry, to break something—to do anything that would allow you to release the intense pain that he had caused, but you knew that Mara was depending on you.

***

"It's just you and me now babygirl," you whispered into Mara's ear one evening as you tucked her into bed, trying to embrace the role of a single mother bravely. After all, you always knew that this possibility loomed in the background, even when you naively thought that you were destined to be with him forever.

You couldn't believe how blind you had been, allowing yourself to fully invest in someone who had already shown you time and time again that he couldn't be counted on.

You couldn't stop thinking about the way he had looked at you, promising you a future together, making you feel cherished and loved, only to betray your trust in the most deceitful way.

You felt a hot tear trickle down your cheek as you buried your face into Mara's soft curls. It wasn't fair. You didn't deserve this pain, this heartbreak. But, as you listened to Mara's steady breathing, you knew that you couldn't give in to despair.

"Karma is a real bitch," you then thought to yourself, seeing how Cillian and you had started out as an affair too. He was cheating on his wife with you and now you were the one who was being cheated on. 

The raw pain cut through you like a hot knife, sharp and searing. Cillian's face flashed through your mind, taunting you with the broken promises and lies that only the innocent fall victim to.

Returning to the living room you noticed a vehicle parking outside on the street in front of your little terrace house. It was a small Crolla, a car that was very familiar to you and which belonged to no other than Cillian's sister Siobhan. 

You weren't expecting a visit from her, especially not in the wee hours of the night, but you didn't mind. She was one of the rare people you could count on these days even though she was a member of Cillian's family.

Quickly, you dried your tears and went to open the door. Siobhan stood there with a serious expression on her face.

"Hey," she greeted, but even her warm voice did nothing to mitigate the heavy feeling that pressed onto your heart still. "Can I come in?" she asked, and you stepped aside to let her walk past you.

You noticed that she was carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses in her hands. "I figured we could both do with a drink tonight," she added while she placed her possessions on your dining table.

You hesitated for a moment before closing the door and joining her. "You have no idea," you sighed, leaning against the back of one of the chairs.

Siobhan gave you a concerned look before pouring you a generous glass of wine. "Oh, I think I do. I saw Amanda today and, fuck, Cillian didn't even tell me about any of this because, if he had, I would have come to see you sooner Y/N. I am so sorry," she  muttered, exasperated.

"It's okay, really. There was nothing you could have done," you shrugged, sipping on the wine like it was water. It burned your throat as it went down, but it somehow made you feel a little better.

"No, it's not. I know how much this must have hurt you Y/N. My brother can be such an idiot sometimes, but he does love you, you know?" Siobhan told you, causing you to cry and laugh all at the same time.

"If he really loves me then , why did he cheat on me?" you asked, your voice cracking with emotion.

"Because he was hurt when you knocked down his proposal," Siobhan told you, explaining Cillian's turmoil to you. "And he acted impulsively which, really, is no excuse for what he did. It's just an explanation," she told you, but you no longer cared. 

"Well, it doesn't change anything now. I'm done with him," you informed her, your voice shaking a little as the reality set in.

"But-" Siobhan started to protest, but you stopped her.

"No. This is not what I want anymore," you sighed, running a hand through your hair as Mara slept peacefully in her bed upstairs. "I am better of alone and, honestly, our arrangement still stands. He will support me and Mara financially and he will get shared care, just like I had promised him. Nothing more and nothing less,"  you concluded firmly while taking another sip of your wine, watching Siobhan frown concernedly in return.

"You know Y/N, I never gave you enough credit in the past for how mature you actually are, especially for your age. You are much more of an adult than most of my clients and you are certainly much more mature than my almost fifty-year-old brother,"  Siobhan finally shared, but it wasn't enough to stop you from hurting still.

***

The following days passed slowly, with you trying to rebuild yourself and your life. It hurt like hell, to be back in the city that reminded you so much of Cillian and the times the two of you had spent together, but you didn't have much of a choice.

He came over one day to pick up Mara just as you had agreed upon when he came back from LA. Wen he arrived he also wanted to talk to you about what happened but you refused and did not even let him through the door. 

"No Cillian. Like I said in my text message last night, all that matters now is Mara," you told him face to face now that he stood in front of your door. "You can see her three days a week, no nights for now and I do not want any contact with you unless it relates to our child," you continued with a clear, firm voice, making a strict compromise so that he could spend at least a little time with Mara until she was ready to stay at his house over night. 

Cillian nodded and seemed surprisingly accepting of your conditions.

"Okay," he told you as you both stood at the front door of the house for a minute before Cillian finally reached out and gently touched Mara's cheek. 

"Do you want to take her while I get her pram and bag?" you offered to Cillian who, again, nodded silently.  With a heavy heart, you handed Mara over to the man that you loved dearly, but who had betrayed your trust.

Cillian took Mara into his arms and looked down at her happily as she babbled at him, giggling after he spoke her name. "She has grown so much even in those few days," he remarked, his voice thick with emotion. 

"She sure has," you told him. "Now, do you have enough milk in the freezer for her? I left some there the last time I visited you last. It's all dated and labelled, just make sure you heat it up right, okay?"  you added, trying to keep your voice steady and authoritative, even though you wanted nothing more than to break down and weep.

Cillian looked up at you with a pained expression on his face. "I will make sure to do that," he told you, tears welling up in his eyes.

You nodded and turned away from him before he could see the sadness creeping up on you. "Okay Cillian. I expect her back by seven. Don't be late," you said softly before pushing the pram and baby bag on to the front porch.  Cillian took them without a word and stepped outside. He looked at Mara again, a lingering longing in his eyes, a feeling that was all too familiar to you.

You closed the door softly and leant your head against it. The emptiness in the house suddenly felt bigger, suffocating almost. But you had to get used to it now. This was your life from now on.

***

The next few weeks were tough, but you made it through them with the support of Siobhan and your mother as well as your best friend Emma who suggested a night out while Mara had her first sleepover at Cillian's house, which was something that made you panic.

You never not had Mara with you over night, it had always been the two of you, or sometimes even the three of you. But, after careful consideration and speaking with Cillian about it, you finally agreed to it with a certain hesitancy.

As you stepped out of your house, ready to meet Emma for your long-anticipated girls' night, you took a deep breath and tried to remember who you were before Mara entered your life.

The thought caused a wry smile to grace your lips and, with a spring in your step, you continued down the path towards the small car that your friend drove as she picked you up along with some other girls from her class.

They were all about your age, but none of them lived the way you did. You were a single mother living in the suburbs while they were all single and sharing a flat in the city.

They were out partying and hooking up with guys while you were home, changing diapers and reading bedtime stories. They were having the time of their lives, while you often wondered if this was all that life had in store for you.

But as you slipped into the passenger seat of Emma's small car, you felt a sense of excitement that you hadn't experienced in a long time. You were ready to let loose and have some fun, and you knew that Emma and the others would make it an unforgettable night.

"Holy shit, you are looking good," Tina, one of the other girls you still knew from school days, remarked as she climbed into the backseat, and you couldn't help but feel a little boost to your confidence. You thanked her with a smile while Emma glanced at you from the driver seat, smirking triumphantly while you pulled out your phone to text Cillian, ensuring that Mara  was comfortable and okay.

"She will be fine, Y/N. She is at her dad's house, remember? He is old enough to look after her. You need to stop worrying," Emma assured you as she navigated through traffic, making her way into the heart of Dublin, where the bustling nightlife came alive.

"I know, it's just -" you started to mumble but then stopped, letting out a quiet sigh. You couldn't deny the fact that leaving Mara behind on her first sleepover with Cillian was hard. It was unfair, you thought, that parents shouldn't experience the pang of abandonment when it comes to leaving their child behind while Tina chimed in, quickly changing the topic after Emma told you again that Mara would be just fine. 

"Hey Y/N. I am curious. Does he pay for your house and car?"  Tina asked, a hint of jealousy tinging her voice. You weren't close to her, but you knew that, especially after your public appearance at the Oscars, which had now been almost ten weeks ago, many of the girls you knew had been talking about nothing else but you and Cillian. After all, he was super famous now and you had his child and not many women could claim that status.

"Well, yes he does, because I am a student, just like you Tina," you replied, suppressing the irritation in your voice. "And we had a child together, so it seems fair," you justified yourself and feeling a little nervous about exposing too much information and stirring up unnecessary envy among your former classmates.

"I suppose you have it easy then," Tina said, still showing an envy-filled tone in her voice. "My mother never even got child support from my dad,"  she added, causing a heavy silence to fall over the car as Emma glanced at Tina sternly in the rearview mirror.

"Things are different now, Tina. Cillian is -," Emma chastised but, before she could continue, you interrupted her. 

"Can we just stop talking about my ex now and focus on our night out?" you requested, hoping to steer the conversation in a different direction.

Emma nodded in agreement and changed the topic, talking about her last date and the awkward ending that it had while the girls in the back seat listened attentively and added their own commentary on the subject, making jokes and trying to make each other laugh.

You tried to focus on the conversation but couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness as you thought about Cillian and the life you had once imagined for yourselves.

You had hoped to grow old together, raising Mara and making memories as a happy little family, but fate had other plans.

Your mind wandered as you entered a crowded dance club, clinging to your drink as you tried to push aside the thoughts that threatened to consume you. The beat of the music pulsed around you, vibrating in your chest as you moved to the rhythm, trying to lose yourself in the seductive sounds filling the air.

But the despair that tugged at your heart wouldn't let you go, no matter how hard you tried to shake it off.

It clung to you like a persistent shadow, a constant reminder of what you had lost, and you pulled out your phone again, texting Cillian, to see whether Mara was fine.

He quickly responded, of course, telling you that she had already fallen asleep and that he was having a great time, spending time with her. It was then, in the dimly lit club, that you realized that this was your new reality, which is when, suddenly, a young attractive man bumped into you, spilling his drink all over your black dress.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! Here, let me help you clean this up," he said, sprinting away to the bar and returning with a wad of napkins and a sympathetic smile.

The unexpected kindness in his large, green eyes touched you somewhere deep within your soul, and you couldn't help but feel a tiny spark of warmth and attraction ignite between you.

"Thank you," you murmured as you took the proffered napkins, still feeling the anxious tension of uncertainty in your stomach after receiving Cillian's text about your adorable daughter sleeping soundly in his arms and it was then when he even sent you a photo of her, a gesture which you appreciated. 

Just as you looked at the phone the man nodded with a reassuring smile, his eyes sparkling with interest and curiosity as, at the same time as handling your phone, you nervously tried to dab the spilled liquid from your dress without causing further damage.

"You look like you're having quite the night here," he persisted, attempting to keep up a friendly conversation as you glanced at your phone before putting it back into your handbag. 

"Yes, I haven't been out in a while," you replied, smiling at the stranger's persistence as he still stood there, looking at you. 

"Really?" he asked. "Why?" he asked, genuinely surprised by your admission as you continued to wipe away the residual drink stain on your dress.

"Well, I had a baby -," you began to say before shaking your head, realizing that this must have been the worst pick up line ever.  The man blinked a few times, his eyebrows shooting up towards his unkempt brown hairline, but he didn't falter. Instead, he dug his hands into his jeans pockets and rocked back on his heels, a friendly half-smile on his lips.

"You had a baby? For real?"  he inquired inquisitively, maintaining a friendly and interested facial expression. "I mean, you don't look a day over twenty-one," he complimented you.

"Well, I am not," you chuckled. "I am twenty-one, actually," you  confessed, feeling vulnerable and exposed all of a sudden.

But the stranger, who introduced himself as Sean, only seemed more intrigued. "Wow, you had a baby already? That's impressive," he admitted, hoping he hadn't dwelled too much.

You nodded, flustered by the attention. "It's not easy but, hey, life happens," you shrugged, determined to keep it light.

"I assume you don't have kids?" you asked, curious, wondering out loud without considering the fact that this topic might be slightly weird for a twenty-something year old man.

"No , I don't. Not yet anyway," he answered with a small laugh, shaking his head ever so slightly, causing his mop of hair to bounce wildly on his head.

"Well then, I guess I just told you way too much about me, huh?"  you asked, feeling a hint of shame creep up your neck and onto your face.

Sean smiled at you genuinely and kindly, his eyes fixing on yours, a connection forming between you two. He shrugged.

"Not really. I mean, you know, things happen and I -," the man began to say before awkwardly telling you about himself. "I am 27 and just finished a degree in engineering. I only just moved to Dublin a few weeks ago and, uhm, I am single and would really like to buy you a drink, if you let me," he stammered. "Unless, of course, you actually have a man in your life, because you had a baby and stuff, so if the father is around then forget about what I just said,"  he added, catching a whiff of disappointment in his voice.

You smiled and shook your head. "My daughter's father is out of the picture," you told him honestly, softening your eyes as you observed him moving closer to you. 

"Great, so what are you drinking?" he asked and, with that, you knew where this was going.

Tags:

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#cillian murphy x y/n #cillian murphy x you #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy #cillian murphy fanfic #cillian murphy fanfiction #cillian murphy fic

[bfpnola]

ID 1: Instagram post by @/therwees. It reads: “I do not envy those of you with the ability to look away, to "log off", to prioritize your "mental health" over bearing witness to genocide. one day you will be in the position to tell someone where you were when all this happened, when an entire people were wiped off the map - what you said, how you reacted, which congress people you called on to help stop it. and you'll have to tell someone - a daughter, a grandson, a niece or nephew, a boyfriend - that you couldn't even look. that you couldn't even give those people the easiest thing you could give them, which is an eyewitness testimony of their pain, their suffering, and the denial of their freedom.” End ID.

ID 2: “here is what you must know, deep down inside of you: that the only way you are to rationalize all this death, all this tragedy, is islamophobia and racism. the only reason you are able to look away is because there is a grotesque part of you, a dead appendage of your soul, that believes brown people are destined to be miserable forever. that we deserve these calamities thrust upon us. It's why so many of you readily shared racist fabrications about baby beheadings, mass rapes, a global day of jihad. you are so ready to accept the image of the angry arab, the evil muslim, the heinous savagery innate to our identity.” End ID.

ID 3: “to be arab or muslim in this country is to be burdened with the task of constantly proving your humanity and your innocence. there is always some awful thing to condemn - a terrorist attack, a corrupt regime on another continent, a preacher's vile sermon. it is psychically_draining to be suspicious of everyone, to wonder *all the time* if your next date is gonna say something islamophobic or if your employer will hold your faith against you or if the man staring at you on the bus is going to erupt with violence. to wonder if simply advocating for the liberation of Palestinians or Iraqis or Afghans will get you fired or ostracized or even just marred with the reputation of a histrionic.” End ID.

ID 4: “and then, when the drum beat of war starts again, and the headlines start to look like guns, and the correspondents start to sound like executioners, it becomes obvious that our anxieties were not unjustified. that some of you do want us dead. that you only like falafel, that you only enjoy vacationing in marrakesh, that if bella hadid said hello to you on the street you'd have a story to tell forever, at every thanksgiving. that we bring color and vibrance to your social circles but only when we're quiet about our heartbreak. that arabic is a beautiful, sophisticated language for a barbaric people.” End ID.

ID 5: “I know, as I've always known, since 9/11, and maybe even before, since I wore the hijab for ten years during the war on terror, since I saw my mother terrorized by our neighbors, that our lives are political fodder. you like us better than we're dead. we've learned nothing from our follies in Iraq, follies that came at the cost of more than half a million Iraqi lives.” End ID.

ID 6: “american life is underwritten by the suffering of others after all. every shein haul, every iPhone, every meal delivery comes at the cost of another person's hardship. I think we really underestimate the psychic toll of this, to enjoy excess and convenience and peace at the price of someone else's despair. it has rotted our souls, to know that every gallon of gas we use steals a moment away from someone else's future, and to continue doing it.

so it is easy for us to look at the Israelis say: they should be able to enjoy their nice tel viv beaches, their lovely kibbutzes built on stolen palestinian land. civilization is built on the graves of barbarians, of people lesser than you. manifest destiny and all that.” End ID.

ID 7: “I am so heartbroken for the palestinian people. I have faith that liberation is possible, but the price they've paid for it is too heavy. it's too too heavy. and now muslims and arabs all across the world will also pay the price. the very least you can do is look.” End ID.

#reaux speaks #instagram #resources #bipoc #palestine #free palestine #arab #muslim #islam #anti zionism #united states #iraq #afghanistan #islamophobia

[jaymicrosoft]

A villains anguish

Summary: Where the villain watches the love of their life get killed by the hero, This is how I interpreted the pain that the villain would feel. When they saw their Beloved fall to the ground with a knife buried into their chest, piercing their precious skin.

As the villain watches the love of their life fall victim to the hero's blade, a searing anguish engulfs their soul. The knife's cold steel pierces not only their beloved's heart but also their own, carving a wound that will never heal.

The memories of their time together, once vivid and warm, now haunt them like fading echoes in the dark. The pain they feel is akin to falling into a bottomless abyss, an abyss of despair and grief, where the weight of loss pulls them deeper and deeper.

With each heartbeat, the agony intensifies, as if they, too, are slowly bleeding out, their life ebbing away in tandem with their beloved. The world around them blurs into a haze of desolation, and the air they breathe feels like shards of glass cutting into their lungs.

The very essence of their being burns, consumed by the searing pain of that moment, as if they are both burning alive in the crucible of tragedy. In that fateful night, both hero and villain lost more than just lives; they lost the chance for happiness, and in its place, they found only the unrelenting torment of their shattered dreams.

In that moment, a harsh reminder pierced my shattered heart, echoing through the depths of my despair. It was a cruel revelation, one that had plagued my existence as a villain – the bitter truth that happiness, love, and the girl of my dreams were elusive mirages meant for others.

As the echoes of the past and the pain of the present converged, I realized that my path, my choices, had led me to this desolate juncture where dreams withered and crumbled. In the narrative of heroes and villains, I was destined to remain on the shadowed side, forever denied the tender embrace of love and the warmth of happiness. The hero might have the glory, but I, will get my revenge.

I promised my beloved that if anything were to happen to them that I would burn the world down. And now that the hero's knife pierced their beautiful skin, I am to burn this world down with the hero and everything they love.

#writing prompt #heavy angst #kylo ren angst #kylo ren headcanons #kylo ren imagine #kylo ren fanfiction #kylo ren imagines #dark kylo ren x reader

[inuhiime]

:: 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 ! ──── ⪩⪨ 𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 ; 𝐩𝐭. 𝐢𝐢𝐢

' please save my soul. '

' i know you're suffering now. perhaps nothing i will say will ease your pain. '

' even for a dead person, you look miserable. '

' what, am i not worthy enough now? '

' i want to hear some last words that aren't about pain or regret. i've heard too much already. '

' first, i see reality, then fear, and at last... i see you. '

' what if we fail? '

' saving the day, then sacrificing yourself. you've glorified yourself with death... are you happy? '

' you don't look well. what happened? '

' you can't fall here. get up, poor thing. '

' at least they don't hate me, fear me, or want to hurt me. that's already more than i can ask for. '

' there is no freedom here, no companions, and it's not the ocean you long for. '

' don't worry, i'll help you. '

' tell me, what honor do these people have? '

' i know you won't believe anything i say at this point. '

' i am not in the mood for lecturing anyone. '

' when that time comes, i shall willingly be at your mercy and follow you to the ends of the earth. '

' what, you believe that story, too? '

' i want to thank you for saving me just now. '

' you must know that the fact that you're still here means we haven't lost. '

' i don't have many people around me who i can trust. '

' i hope that you can be honest with us. '

' how do we prove our honor? '

' what's happened has happened. no need to apologize. '

' do you still have the courage to trudge on? '

' despair is a silent monster. '

' in this world, only the blooming vitality can satiate the hungry soul. '

' what are you worried about? '

' are we truly honorable? '

' it must be hard for you to understand, right? that there'd be a selfish, cruel and cold-blooded monster like me in this world. '

' in fear, chaos always ensues. '

' you parasites don't deserve to be here. '

' i'm all too familiar with the ugly faces humans make when they're jealous. '

' don't get me wrong, i had no intention of being the good guy. '

' i knew it. i knew this would be a trap. '

' you've given them hope and joy. that is an incomparably honorable thing. '

' you're not hurt, are you? '

' do you want the redemption of death or to continue living a painful life, shouldering the heavy weight alone? '

' you don't believe me? '

' i am happy. of course i'm happy. '

' i'm sorry, i can't help you. '

' earning money is already so tiring, why can't i indulge and enjoy life a bit? '

' i've already apologized, what else do you want from me? '

' don't believe everything you see. '

' this is the worst decision you've made. '

' what would you do without me... poor thing. '

' once you let your guard down, you will be swallowed mercilessly. you can only go against the current. '

' so there are monsters far scarier than me in this world. '

' hold on a bit longer, i will get you out of this. '

' i know it's just a means of escape... but what's wrong with escaping forever? reality is just too cruel. '

' at times like these, we need to stick together and help each other to overcome the difficulties, right? '

' no matter what, i must keep going forward. '

' you made it this far? haven't given up yet? '

' i've been wanting to eliminate you this whole time. '

' i know you want to win. but now, how exactly will you achieve that? '

' you're just a monster i put a mask on! '

' don't you ever wonder... are you worthy of respect? '

' you still have a chance of redemption. '

' who do you think you are? why on earth should i confess to you? '

' everything has been settled. time to go home. '

' it seems our fates have become intertwined a long time ago. '

' if you keep hiding the truth, i can't help you. '

' i swear, i really didn't mean to, i just wanted to live... '

' maybe i'm just destined to be a monster who brings disaster to those around me. '

' i didn't mean any harm. i just wanted to help you. '

' don't worry. i'll be by your side. '

' i know you may not be able to accept the cruel reality of the world all at once. '

' now that you're living the high life, isn't it time to atone for your sins? '

' god must be blind to grant you so much success. '

' ready to tell the truth this time? '

' you've already seen my true colors. no need for me to keep acting, right? '

' human nature is inherently ignorant, wicked and vile. '

' who are you to judge my point of view? '

' i went to hell and back, but you haven't! '

' welcome to the place where most dreams come true. '

' i'm very glad to see how happy you are now. '

' how could fate have spared us so easily? '

' if i let you choose, will you choose to return to reality and live in pain, or for me to wipe your memory and let you keep living in that happy illusion? '

' how can i keep on living without a shred of hope? '

' don't you understand? your life is over! '

' why are you being so cautious? i don't bite. '

' you're not owned by anyone. you're free now. '

' i promise i'll try my best to help you. '

' let me bear the brunt. you must escape. '

' i don't want to be a coward hiding behind you anymore. '

' why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you? '

' there's no reason for them to be afraid of me. '

' are you angry with me? '

' answer my question. what exactly did you do to them? '

' you should be happy. your enemy is already dead. '

' please don't hurt people without waiting for an explanation. '

' enough talk. don't you have your work to do? '

' is there something you're looking for? '

' you don't see many people like me anymore, who will repay evil with kindness. '

' ...alright, i'll forgive you for now. '

' all of us will hunt you down and kill you. how much time do you think you have left? '

' death is ubiquitous indeed. you can't hide from it. '

' there are too many things i can't let go of. '

' i hope you can escape your destined misery... what do you think? '

#rp meme #rp starter #sentence prompts #sentence starters #sentence starter meme #reposting bc i forgot to add tags [ twirls my hair ] #⪩⪨ ･･･ games

[shinolavolume1]

Genuinely how do i stop being in a constant state of despair because of climate change i dont have a single shred of hope for the future anymore and its all unavoidable and everywhere and getting worse and it makes me want to vomit whenever i think about it. i dont want to feel this way im desperate to feel anything other than dread but i feel like the only way to do it is willful ignorance and i do not want that nor do i think im capable of it. and its like the #1 contributor to my depression does anyone else deal with this. or am i just destined to live with this feeling forever. Peace and love 😃

#My therapist sure as shit didnt know what to tell me

[silvfyre-writings]

Snapshots Pt. 6 (BSD Fanfic)

The plot bunnies have hit me hard, because not only am I nearly finished the next chapter of paperboy au, but I smashed out this chapter in just a few hours which, honestly, is impressive considering I slept most of today haha.

I'd also like to point out that no matter how much a tried, this chapter refused to be written in past tense, so um, enjoy the present tense I guess?

Anyways, enjoy the chapter!!!

Everyone had scars.

It didn’t matter whether they were minor scars from childhood mishaps, or major ones from near death experiences, everyone had scars, and every scar had a story to tell. The stories that they held weren’t always obvious; time and trauma often led to those stories being lost, and while it was sad to no longer know the truth behind the scars, sometimes it was simply for the best that they be forgotten. Because there were times where the stories were just too painful to remember, and it was safer to just forget about them in the first place.

Like Poe had.

Poe had acquired many scars over his twenty-eight years of living, and there were only a few that he actually remembered the origin of. There were the scars on his knees, brought into existence when he’d ridden a bike for the first time and fallen down an embankment, ripping his knees to shreds. It hadn’t just been his knees that he’d torn apart that day, but they’d been the only part of him to scar, so that was what he remembered. There was also the scar beneath his eye that he’d gotten after running headfirst into the dining table as a child, nearly blinding himself on top of the concussion he’d given himself. And then there was the scar on his elbow, where he’d had to have surgery after a fall had broken it.

Those were the scars that Poe looked back on fondly, for they were the ones with the kind of stories that you could tell other people around a cup of coffee or share after a few drinks with friends.

But there were scars on Poe’s body that whenever someone asked him about them, he couldn’t give an answer, because he just didn’t know the stories behind them. He had a vague idea of what had caused them, but no distinct memory of how they had happened in the first place. There were two burn scars on his shoulder, in a shape that could only belong to cigarette’s, and he knew what had caused them, but he couldn’t remember how. There was a series of small scars located just below his ribs that could only have come from being stabbed, but again, he had no memory of ever being stabbed in the first place. And then there was the one scar that Poe did remember, the one scar that would send him into a panic if someone so much as acknowledged it; a scar that was both on his stomach and his back, where he’d once been impaled by a fire poker after his adoptive father had had too much to drink.

It was such a small scar, yet held a memory so powerful that Poe wished it’d been one he could forget—that wasn’t to say he hadn’t tried, because he had. But apparently, out of all the scars that Poe had, that was one he was destined to remember forever. And it was because of that scar, and the story behind it that he couldn’t forget, that he became interested in the stories behind other people’s scars; he never asked people outright how they obtained them, because that was rude and Poe already had a hard enough time talking to people as is.

Over the years, Poe heard many stories, and saw many scars, yet it wasn’t until he met Ranpo again that his interest piqued.

When he’d first met Ranpo, back when he was twenty-two, his rival had been loud and exuberant, but most of all, he’d been soft, and not in the way most people would think. No, Ranpo was soft in that his skin was unmarked, free of the stories that a person’s skin told—or at least, so Poe had thought. It’d been at the end of their competition, when Poe had been filled with despair over losing and on his knees that he’d seen it; Ranpo’s shirt, a size too big, had allowed Poe to see a scar, a story that told him Ranpo wasn’t as soft as he appeared.

But Poe had been filled with too much despair and fury for his curiosity to surface, so that knowledge was forced to the back of the mind where, six years later, he’d long forgotten about it.

Poe’s reminded of that day when he and Ranpo are in bed, lazily trading kisses with each other, and his fingers trail over a piece of raised skin on Ranpo’s abdomen. Poe pauses for just a moment before he presses another kiss to Ranpo’s lips, and runs his thumb over the scar he’d just felt. Ranpo shivers underneath his touch, eyes flicking open, and Poe moves to kiss his partner’s cheek, murmuring against his skin. “You have a scar here.”

Ranpo blinks, and Poe brushes the raised skin again, which brings realization to Ranpo’s eyes, and the detective leans up to capture Poe’s lips with his own again. “I have a lot of scars, Poe-kun.”

“You do?” Poe questions, and Ranpo nods, a wary look on his face now, a stark difference to the look of bliss that he’d had earlier. “How come I’ve never seen these ones?”

Ranpo groans and sinks into the bed, throwing his arms over his face to hide, which does nothing but allow Poe to see more of the scars he didn’t know Ranpo had. Poe knew that from Ranpo’s reaction to his question, that Ranpo didn’t want to talk, but he was pretty sure that that was just because the other just wanted to return to their kissing session. Over the time they’d been involved with each other, Poe had learnt to differentiate between when Ranpo genuinely didn’t want to talk about something, and when he didn’t want to talk about something because of the mood they were in. And in this case, it was the later, but no matter.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Poe shifts lower so that he can graze his lips over the scar with a gentle, but featherlight touch. “But I’d love to hear the stories behind your scars.”

“Ever the storyteller, even when making out with me.” Ranpo chuckles, lowering his arms, one coming to pat at Poe’s hair. “That one’s from when I had my appendix removed. Before my parents died.”

Poe hums and trails his lips up towards Ranpo’s chest, ignoring the way Ranpo shivers from the touch, to the next scar; a straight line down the middle of the detective’s chest that was still fairly pink. “And this one?”

Ranpo threads his hand into Poe’s hair. “Heart surgery. I got shot last year, and the bullet got stuck, so Yosano couldn’t use her ability without actually killing me.”

“Yosano is a talented doctor, even without her ability.” Poe says, rising onto his elbows and gazing down at Ranpo’s face. He takes a moment to study his partner’s face, looking for any signs of discomfort, and when he finds none, he dips his head to kiss the tip of Ranpo’s nose. “Heart surgery is dangerous, so I’m glad it was successful.”

“As if a bullet is enough to bring me down.” Ranpo grins at him, eyes opening just enough for Poe to fall into their green depths. Ranpo uses that brief moment of distraction to his advantage, pulling Poe closer for a deeper kiss that he is quick to reciprocate.

Poe lets the kiss go on longer than any of their other ones, pulling away with a smile on his face as he continues on his journey in mapping out Ranpo’s scar. He find the next one on Ranpo’s shoulder, close to his neck, and this is one he doesn’t kiss, but he bring a hand up to run his fingers over. Unlike the other scars Poe had touched, this scar is indented rather than raised, and he can tell from the way that Ranpo freezes beneath him that he’s about to step into unfamiliar territory. “What about this one?”

Ranpo is silent for a long time, so long that Poe is just about to apologize and move on when he speaks. “I can’t tell you the whole story… but that one’s from my time on the streets.”

“I understand.” And Poe did understand, because some scars were just too painful to talk about. He kisses the skin next to the scar. “If you do ever want to tell me…”

“I know.” Ranpo relaxes and his hand falls from Poe’s hair to rest in between his shoulder blades. “You’ll be there to listen.”

Poe moves on quickly after that, but the next scars he winds up at—a series of scars actually—that fall under the same category as the one on Ranpo’s shoulder. The only difference between these ones and the previous one, is that these are scars that Poe was already aware of the existence of, and that was only because there’d been recent additions after the war between the Guild and the Agency. Poe intertwines his hand with Ranpo’s, drawing his arm close; it gives Ranpo plenty of time to refuse him, but the detective just stares at him with open eyes. There’s a little bit of tension forming with Ranpo’s body, which gives Poe the courage he needs to kiss the scars on Ranpo’s arm. He gives light kisses to the lines that are faded, and firmer kisses to the ones that are still pink and fresh.

“You know the story behind those already.” Ranpo says before Poe can even ask the question. There’s a pained look now that has Poe squeezing Ranpo’s hand. He does indeed know the story behind those scars, remembers the tears that followed as Ranpo told him, so he doesn’t ask, he just kisses each individual scar once more before he moves on.

The next scar he finds is on Ranpo’s upper arm, a thin line from being grazed by a stray bullet. After that, he moves to Ranpo’s other arm where the only scars are the ones on his elbow and wrist; an accident not long after he’d been taken in by Fukuzawa where he’d fallen down some stairs and broken his arm bad enough to need surgery. Poe can’t help but smile as he runs his fingers over those scars, and Ranpo pouts at him. “What, aren’t those ones worthy of kisses?”

“Of course they are.” Poe’s smile grows wider and he kisses the raised skin beneath his fingers. “I was simply marvelling over how we have similar scars.”

Ranpo’s hand slides down to feel Poe’s own scar, and his mouth drops open a little. “How did you break your arm?”

“I fell out of a tree when I was seven.” Poe explains. “But I only broke my elbow when I fell, unlike you.”

Ranpo scoffs as his fingers continue to dance across Poe’s skin. “Fukuzawa says I have bones of glass because he’s never seen someone break bones as much as I do.”

“Oh? Just how many bones have you broken then?” Poe says, intrigued now, and he plans his chin on Ranpo’s chest so that he can listen to the other.

“Well, aside from my arm, I have broken…” Ranpo trails off as he thinks. It takes him a couple of minutes before he continues. “Two fingers, an ankle, three ribs, a leg… oh! I also broke my other wrist twice.”

I think we need to start injecting you with calcium. Poe stares, both amazed and mildly horrified at just how many bones Ranpo has broken throughout the course of his life. He makes a mental vow to wrap his partner in bubble wrap whenever they leave the house from now on, and to coerce Ranpo into drinking more milk; he understands now, why the President of the Agency had said Ranpo had bones of glass, because it was true.

“Why the sudden interest in my scars anyway?” Ranpo says when Poe just continues to stare at him, bringing a hand to brush Poe’s hair out of his face, trailing his hands through tangled locks in a way that has Poe relaxing into the other’s arms.

“I’ve always had an interest.” Poe murmurs. “Every scar has a story to tell, whether it be light-hearted and funny, or dark and fearful. I find it fascinating how some people wear their scars with pride and share the stories of how they got them so easily, while there are others who are fearful and refuse to speak of them. And, well, I am a writer at heart, so I love hearing those stories when they are shared with me.”

Ranpo is silent and still, so still, that Poe lifts himself up to he can see Ranpo’s face easier to try and determine what the other is thinking about. What he sees is hesitation, and a little bit of fear; it’s a look that has Poe frowning. “What is it?”

“Would you like to know?” Ranpo asks him.

“Know what?”

Instead of answering, Ranpo shifts the shoulder of the indented scar, and Poe gives his partner a soft smile, leaning forward to place a kiss against Ranpo’s forehead. “If it makes you uncomfortable or afraid, then no, I do not wish to know. You only need tell me if you want to tell me.”

Ranpo hums.

“Do you want to tell me?” Poe presses, and Ranpo sighs before he shakes his head. “Then you don’t need to tell me.”

“But you’re curious now—”

“My curiosity does not come before your comfort, Ranpo-kun.” Poe kisses Ranpo’s forehead once again, and then his nose, his cheek, before he tenderly brushes his lips against Ranpo’s own; Ranpo relaxes with each kiss, and his arms come to wrap around Poe’s waist, holding him close. Neither of them say anything, letting the conversation die off as they, once again, get lost within each other with gentle touches and affectionate gestures.

One day, you’ll tell me the story of that scar, Ranpo-kun, and it will be a story worth hearing.

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bsd fanfic #ranpoe #edgar allan poe #edogawa ranpo #kissing #boys in love #hurt/comfort #fluff #mild angst #writing #fanfic

[princeyuuta]

i think i have always believed in soulmates, or more like, i have hoped they exist. and i thought id found mine several times. but like a wrong puzzle piece, they never quite fit. there was always something missing, something keeping me and them from fully understanding each other. eventually, i resigned myself to the fact that while i could love someone deeply, that nobody was ever a true "romantic soulmate." i thought, for a while, that soulmates were a fantasy, something that was nice to dream about, but ultimately werent real.

that is, until i met you.

at first we were strangers, then acquaintances, then not-quite-friends. but i was always wanting more; it was like i was drawn to you, as if something about you was calling to me. as if we were tied together by an invisible thread. and as we got to know each other, i realized why.

it was like something clicked; it was like a whole new world opened in front of me. everything was natural with you. our words and actions, everything just made me smile and laugh. we saw each other at our worst several times over and still, and still, we stayed close, maybe even closer than before.

it was more than i could have dreamed of, more than i could have imagined. more than i could have hoped.

despite knowing my feelings for you were more than platonic for quite some time, i kept it to myself. i was too afraid of losing it all. i would have been content with being by your side as a friend, even if your loveliest smile was reserved for someone else.

i resigned myself to this fact, but dedicated myself to you. i wanted to be there for you... and to my surprise, you wanted to be there for me. despite the reservations around the term, we truly were best friends. but i wanted, no, craved more, as selfish as it felt.

every chance i could get, i would flirt with you (dense as you were, you thought it was playful). every chance i could get, i would imagine myself with you. my heart would skip a beat every time. it was a form of indulgence, and a form of torture. but i wouldve lived that way forever and been content.

but this story is about soulmates -- this story is about love.

my world exploded with stars that night. swirling, dizzying, bright, overwhelming, blinding. it was almost too much to bear. to think that the one i'd been pining over for months could ever love me back. to think that you loved me and cared for me. to think that the feelings were mutual. it made my heart soar. it made me the happiest i've ever been, and the most scared i've ever been.

god, i was terrified.

in all honesty, i still am.

this was the most joy i'd ever felt, the most romantic love i'd felt. and i was so scared to lose it, so scared to mess it up. over and over i thought and thought and thought, too much probably. and i decided that it was better to love, to let the adoration pour from my heart, than to keep it locked away.

and that was the best decision i've ever made.

i have never felt more loved, more alive, more complete, than i have with you. through all the ups and downs and ins and outs, you are someone who truly understands me, and i hope you feel the same. it's truly like we were made for each other, like we are two souls destined to be together. like i have found you in every life before this, and i will find you again in every life after.

i have never felt as safe and as joyous as i have with you. because to me, you are my sunshine, the light in the darkness, the hope in despair.

your laugh, your eyes, your voice, your smile, your lips, your hair, everything, everything about you is beautiful and radiant and extraordinary. you are kind and compassionate, with a fire in you that you dont even seem to notice is lit. you are so full of love and laughter and joy despite all that has happened. despite everything, you still pick yourself up, and march forward. maybe you feel as if you have to be strong. even so, you are like a knight in shining armor to me.

i have never laughed as hard as i do, as often as i do, before i met you. my days are now filled with love and happiness and joy and excitement to talk to you, instead of the darker feelings that followed me before. are there still hard times? of course--there will always be. there will always be darkness. but there will also always be light; they cant exist without the other.

you are so precious to me... you make me so happy, every day. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. there are no words to describe the love i have for you, but i hope what i've written can even portray a tiny fraction of what i feel.

i love you. i adore you. i want to be with you forever, from now until the next life. i love you. and i will always say it, every time. i love you.

#sorry that this is so like. poetry. fanfic-feel. idk #i just like u

[mimstuffs]

All the difficulties we are facing are just very small in life, which is inherently impermanent. If because of these things, we create an invisible wall to block the road ahead, is it too stupid?

Living in life, everyone must have many joys, sorrows, many surprises come their own. There are sadness that makes people's hearts sag, even despair. But besides that, there are many joys and surprises life brings like flowers, shimmering candles light up life.

I was no exception. Perhaps, Im not happy and happy forever if im alone. Everything needs invisible strings to connect love together. Today I really think of myself as a happy person, because im protected, cared for, and lovingly connected. Two years of uni with mixed joys and sorrows, hardships, weaknesses, collisions, losses and tears at times made me withdraw into my single shell.

There are days like that, I find myself stuck in the middle of my own life, with no ideals, no goals, not knowing what I was-doing to get through those days. I feel small, lonely in the midst of a crowded sea of ​​people, sometimes it is extremely difficult to find someone willing to listen all of stuffs i wna say. I still laugh, still talk, stil living normal life, do what we like...life still goes on according to its rules, but is it true that when people can't find their life purpose, that means with the fact that they cannot find joy in life.

I find myself lost in this big whole world, living in a sea of ​​people but there is no one who understands me, no one to hold my hand when we want to give up everything. I find myself wandering, without support, and then I want to be alone: ​​walking around this small city alone in the cold of winter, I also like to watch the night view alone and think about distant things, or simply sip a cup of coffee to feel its bitter taste...

Sadness is just a low note, sometimes it is a stepping stone for the next ups and downs. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness manifests around us every day, we need to feel it, collect it to make love.

This life helps me to collect a lot of love from so many people. They have given me stability and unwavering faith in a full life. Help me realize that im rich and full of love when i am not.

There will also be people who hurt me, disappoint me about them, but in the end. Everything is back to its correct trajectory.

#life #motivate

[dawntrailing]

Hitting The Books

For those who missed the other books in Noumenon for the Level 80 Endwalker Main Scenario Quest. I’ve also included the ones that you do need to proceed with MSQ.

An Introduction to the Heavens

Have you ever gazed at the skies above and contemplated the mysteries contained therein? I speak not of shifting cloud patterns, but of the vastness beyond─of the sun and the twinkling tapestry of the night. Some think the dome above us to be a finite space, yet amongst the leading thinkers of our age, one scholar's depiction of a boundless sea of stars has firmly taken root. Alas, this heavenly sea remains an unreachable, unknowable destination. There are few indeed who can explain, in satisfactory detail, why our own star is believed to revolve around the sun. It was the technologists of Allag who came closest to understanding the laws which govern that starry abyss. It was they who launched Dalamud, and sought to expand beyond our earthbound existence. Having read of their ancient ambitions, I wonder: has your interest in this field of study waxed or waned? What if I were to tell you that the eternal constellations were arranged differently in the distant past? That their positions continue to shift almost imperceptibly but measurably as we journey into the future? Would it shock you to learn that the stars drift further and further apart, and may indeed do so forever? Are you eager to learn more?

Stewards of Wisdom

During the chaos of the Sixth Umbral Calamity, Archon Nyunkrepf, founder of Sharlayan, bore witness to the madness and savagery of men brought to the brink of despair. Upon raising a settlement on an island in the Northern Empty, he instructed his people thus: Renounce the ways of war, and pursue enlightenment through knowledge and reason. The Sharlayans took to heart the words of their savior, and thenceforth served as stewards of wisdom. Upon a foundation of accumulated learning, they built a homeland unlike any other─a nation born from strength of minds, rather than strength of arms. With knowledge of economics came shrewd trading. With knowledge of agriculture came bountiful crops. Engineering brought wells and sewers, ending squabbles over water. Wealth of expertise could be bartered for wealth in coin. And the more their wisdom spread throughout the world, the more mankind as a whole would thrive. And so it was that no matter the trials and tribulations of the age, the citizens of Sharlayan would live by their founder's teachings. For the sake of a better tomorrow─for the sake of a brighter star─they would eschew the tools of war, and with knowledge deliver the world.

Forever Twenty Summers

My beloved seekers of knowledge. Have you ever put learning before your health, and neglected to feed and rest your body as you should?  I, too, once engaged in such foolish practices. But one night, engrossed in philosophical study, I had an epiphany: For all the world's mysteries that drive us to reckless abandon, we have so very few years of life in which to achieve our goals. Thus do I share with you this mantra: I am forever twenty summers young. The number itself is unimportant─you could be nineteen, or twenty-three, or forty. Whatever age you are when you discover this manual, let that be the age you aspire to remain.  Through mindful, healthy living, will you extend the time available to spend upon your chosen research─another day, another moon, another summer to grasp the greater truths you pursue. In the pages that follow, we will explore the secrets of maintaining one's physical condition from a biological, aetherological, and arcane viewpoint...

The Story of Sharlayan

Long, long ago, on an island in the northern sea, there lived a Roegadyn man by the name of Nyunkrepf. Nyunkrepf was a student of astrology, and he divined that a flood of terrifying proportions would soon sweep over the lands of Eorzea. So it was that he built a gigantic ship, assembled a crew, and set sail for that imperiled realm. The flood arrived as foretold, and to their horror the strangely churning waters drove the people towards the ocean. It was there, however, that Nyunkrepf's crew hauled them aboard his ark, but the danger had not passed: a towering wave approached, threatening to smash the vessel to pieces! With only moments to spare, Nyunkrepf wove a mighty spell of teleportation, and shifted the entire ship to safety atop Abalathia's Spine. Refugees from the surrounding regions huddled there alongside them, but it was not long before disputes over the dwindling supply of food led to violence and bloodshed. Saddened by the sight, Nyunkrepf gathered to him his crew and his grateful passengers, and abandoned the ark to those reddened peaks. They journeyed to the coast where they built a new ship, intent upon returning to the northern seas. They landed on the beach of an island, and settled upon that very spot. That settlement prospered and grew, and in time it became the city of Sharlayan we live in to this day.

The Voice of a Growing City

In the years which followed the founding of Sharlayan, civic policy and other matters of import were decided at the Ecclesia─a public forum at which every citizen was eligible to speak. As the city's population grew, however, this format became increasingly impractical. The larger number of participants gave rise to ever-longer debates, resulting in significant delays of vital resolutions. Various measures were introduced in an attempt to curtail protracted discussions, but in the year 201 of the Sixth Astral Era, it was ultimately decreed that Sharlayan would transition to a new form of governance. The nation would now be led by a body of ninety-nine members─citizens chosen from amongst their peers by means of a nationwide vote. Thus was the Forum as we know it today conceived and created.

Roads of Old: The Colony

Many years ago, on the banks of the Thaliak in the Dravanian Hinterlands, a Sharlayan colony once thrived. This settlement was originally established as a mere outpost to study the aetherial sea in the year 1311 of the Sixth Astral Era. Scholars dispatched to Eorzea found the facilities wanting, and their demands encouraged a gradual expansion in structures and services. As rumors spread of a growing community of academics, the area was further inundated with Eorzean students hoping to share in the renowned wisdom of the Sharlayans.  Fifty years later, the Forum passed a motion to recognize what had become a flourishing town as an official Sharlayan colony. Eorzean residents took to calling the colony itself “Sharlayan,” which led to no small amount of confusion when discussions turned to the subject of the motherland. In response, some Sharlayan inhabitants, if pressed for a name, would simply refer to it as “Emporium.” Following the exodus, however, goblins and treasure hunters claimed for themselves a corner of the abandoned colony and gave it yet another name: Idyllshire.

#final fantasy series #final fantasy xiv #final fantasy xiv: endwalker #ffxiv #ffxiv lore #sharlayan #idyllshire #nyunkrepf nyunkrepfsyn #the forum

[eppysboys]

What do you think Stuart would have done if he hadn't joined The Beatles?

Hi anon!

Stuart was on track to graduate art college and go onto teaching at the school, presumably.

I don't think he wanted to stay in Liverpool forever, he felt very restricted and longed for travel and other ways of being. The extract from one of his early-Hamburg-era letters is one he wrote while feeling particularly depressed, but I think it speaks to how trapped he felt by Liverpool and the expectations of him - there's an immediate association with Liverpool + feeling restricted as an artist and as a person.

"Liverpool lately meant nothing to me. Nothing. Washed out with talk. Sick of faces. Fed up of cathedrals and squares. Tired of sitting all day long, tired of black and white furniture, tired of seeing so many people jabbering away about nothing. Liverpool! Meaning the Cracke, the Jacaranda, the college, the flat, Mrs. [Plant?], [N. O. P.?], P. T. P., tired of eggs on toast and a tea please! in that Liverpool that I know now. Not one thing stands out in my memory. A stagger down the Pierhead perhaps on my first booze, no, nothing.

... Liverpool. I need my shame and despair alone. When I have something to give I will give it. When I have something to say, I will say it in paint, in stone or anything my soul touches. Liverpool. Their curiosities humiliates me, their compliments turns my stomach. Their tea poisons me. I am a boy, I want to say things my way. I am a romantic turned sour, I have shrivelled like a sucked grape. I must dig deep and plant myself and grow." (source)

I can imagine him taking a break between graduating and teaching and maybe travelling for a while, perhaps planting his roots in a city that really inspired him. He loved the 'inate sense of beauty' that Hamburg and it's people had, I think he would have loved any place that matched up to his ideals and passions. More than anything, the painters he idolised travelled, and he was eager to do the same. At the very least, it could refresh his mind and his art. "I had the opportunity to go to Spain for five weeks with my father at the beginning of the next week, but unfortunately I can’t get permission to have any more than two weeks off college.

...

As you said earlier in your letter nothing very exciting ever happens. Things come and go in a very artificial way, we seem constantly to need excitement (that’s why I am getting a motor-bike, not a car) I felt that I was slowly being suffocated by my work, and I just had to do something about it, something to take my mind off the rat-race which we are all a part of." (October, 1959)

I think he was destined for great and exciting things, and he was eager to start living, but fate had different plans :(

+ Or, you never know, maybe he could have become a professional baby-sitter!

“Not long after you left, Don McKinley, came round - he’s a painter - quite a good one - He came to ask me to baby-sit tomorrow (Sunday) - it seems that I’m in business - I’ll probably sell my brushes, paints and easel, and install a few cots, and some baby bottles at the flat. I’ll make a fortune, after all babies seem to be the things these days!!! He was just admiring that small painting of you when Austen came round, he wanted me to baby-sit too.”

#asks #Stuart #Stuart Sutcliffe

[chryze]

A Thousand Years Ago - Stellar Tales 03

"It's gonna rain," she said, looking at the sky, standing on the dew kissed grass.

"No, it won't. The sky is clear," he said leaning his back to the bench.

"The clouds will travel fast, like time. And soon you and I will have to run back inside. This moment won't last forever," she said, gently touching petals of a flower.

"So then come here, sit beside me while it lasts," he invited her to sit on the bench to talk.

She walked towards him and sat on the bench. Her clothes still carried the dew from the flowers. He looked at her in a concerning mood and she knew what it meant.

"John, your time here is ending, isn't it? How long do you have?" She asked him, taking in a heavy breath.

"I have time until you live," he said, "You still don't remember, do you? Thousands of years ago, in a different life, we sat together like this in the starlight. You told me about the birth of the sun and moon."

She looked down in despair.

"I wish I could remember," she said looking at his eyes, "for my life has not been that beautiful so far."

John leaned forward and covered his face with his palms.

"I have lived more than twenty lifetimes since then and in every single one I remember every moment I spent with you," he spoke in sadness.

"I'm trying to remember. I do not remember the past or the future. You have seen it. So tell me, how long do I have and how will I die in this life? Will we meet again?" She asked him.

"That's not for you to know," he replied leaning back to the bench, "I have become nothing but a traveller to this world, a phantom cursed with knowledge. You are my only attachment to this world. And you don't remember who put the dagger in your heart just one thousand years ago"

"As you say it was lifetimes ago. You remember this much but I don't," she said drowning in sadness, "Like I told you before I only remember the fire in his eyes. I remember only the eyes. Why have you been looking for the murderer for lifetimes? It's over, I have died and I have been reborn. Why find the culprit now?" She asked him.

"Because...," John took a deep breath, "Because this killer has been chasing us for lifetimes. One day, a thousand years ago, we were fighting against a witch when I first felt his presence. I only saw his eyes under his helm. We defeated him and drove him out of his lands. That same life, only few years later, he killed you. He has been doing it for lifetimes."

"Will he do it again? Is that how I will meet my maker?" She asked him desperately.

"Yes, love," he said with tears in his eyes, "This time you have to remember his face. For if you are ever to lose me, you would not survive. You would become just like everyone else, a shadow without a mentor, a body without a soul."

"I will do as you say," she said, "But how will I meet you in next life? What will your name be in my next life? You who has been so kind to me should not leave without a name."

"You do not need a name to find me. I am always in your heart and name," he took her arm and placed his palm over her palm.

Before she could place her head on his shoulder he stood up as if lighting has struck him. She stood up to see what is wrong with him. She suddenly heard a loud noise from behind. With that noise came a sharp stabbing pain in her back.

As she placed her palm on her back it was touched by the cold, wet gesture of death. She was bleeding heavily. She fell on the ground.

"This, how it ends?" She asked him, lying on the ground, "I will remember this time."

He bent down towards her and touched her back where the bullet laid. In his eyes was written the untold story of another life, perhaps her new destination.

"It never ends, until all is settled. Remember the face. We will meet again. And remember me," he said with tears in his eyes.

Suddenly she heard the footsteps of her shooter coming towards her. She could see the fire in his eyes as he came into her view. This time she remembered the face. The shooter was a tall and muscular man unlike John. He had a gun in his hand a scar on his face.

But then in an instant, to her surprise, the shooter passed through John's body as if John was just a phantom.

"What are you talking alone?" Asked the shooter.

She turned her face towards the sky with sadness overwhelming her. Raindrops began falling on her face washing away her tears and blood. As she was taking in her last breath she called John again.

"See you in next life, Intuit!"

#mobile photography #bench #stellar tales #stellar #sit beside me #fiction #short story #fantasy #lifetime #reincarnation #intuition

[aeontimaeuscrux]

Daily Journal

March 5, 2024

1:48 AM

As I continue to traverse the intense landscape of my inner world, the journey grows increasingly complex, yet undeniably richer. The reflection on the existential weight of self-awareness has opened a gateway to further exploration, leading me to contemplate the concept of impermanence and its dual role as both a source of existential dread and a catalyst for profound appreciation of life.

Impermanence, the very fabric of existence, whispers to us that nothing is meant to last forever. This knowledge, while unsettling, also carries with it a strange sort of liberation. It prompts me to ask, “If all is transient, what truly holds value?” This question, far from leading me to despair, has become a beacon, guiding me towards what matters most.

In the face of impermanence, I find myself gravitating towards authenticity and connection. Knowing that our time is limited sharpens my focus, pushing me to live more fully in the present, to cherish the depth of my relationships, and to pursue actions that resonate with my core values. This shift in perspective is not a denial of the burdens that come with awareness, but rather an embrace of life’s fleeting beauty.

Today, I walked through the park, observing the delicate dance of leaves in the wind, a reminder of nature’s cycle of life and death. In this moment, the beauty of impermanence was palpable. Each leaf, vibrant and alive, yet destined to fall, mirrored my own existence. This parallel between nature and human life highlighted the naturalness of change and the importance of embracing the present.

The concept of legacy has also taken on new meaning for me. In a world where everything is temporary, the impact of our actions on others and the world becomes our enduring echo. This realization has led me to ponder the kind of legacy I wish to leave behind. It’s not about monuments of stone, but about the memories we create, the lives we touch, and the positive changes we instigate.

This week, I’ve been more conscious of my interactions, understanding that kindness, understanding, and genuine engagement are the seeds of a legacy that withstands the test of time. Each conversation, each shared laugh, and every act of compassion becomes a testament to the richness of life, transcending the limitations of our temporary existence.

As I pen these thoughts, I am reminded that deliberation on the transient nature of life is not just an intellectual exercise but a heartful embrace of the paradoxes that define our existence. Impermanence, with its inherent challenge and beauty, invites us to live more authentically, love more deeply, and leave the world a bit brighter than we found it.

In this ongoing dialogue with myself, I am learning to see impermanence not just as a burden but as a profound teacher, guiding me towards living a life of purpose and presence. The journey is far from easy, but it is undoubtedly worthwhile. As I add this entry to my perpetual deliberations, I do so with a sense of gratitude for the journey thus far and anticipation for the paths yet to be discovered…

— Aeon Timaeus Crux, The Perpetual Deliberations

[gneissmorrigan]

i try, to live life to its fullest, to savor the moments that should be sweet, to bask in the sunlight that others seem to effortlessly enjoy. yet, no matter how hard i try, the chains of blue persist, binding me to a reality i yearn to escape. i am always, and will be a wanderer, lost in the vast expanse of my own existence, and no matter which path i choose, it seems to lead me back to the same desolate place. perhaps, i was destined to be ensnared in this web of despair. meant to be forever haunted by shadows, condemned to dance with the ghosts of what could have been.

[loveerin]

Who needs the Hubble Space Telescope when I can just gaze into your eyes, where the universe resides?

I remain in awe each time the sun ascends and descends on the horizon. The light it provides allows me to behold the beauty of the world in which I live. The warmth it imparts on my cold days feels like a comforting embrace. Ah, so warm and bright. No wonder it makes me feel so alive.

Even on stormy days, the sun remains there, never forsaking me in my moments of despair.

Watching over me daily, and as nightfall approaches, it calls upon the other stars to be my companions throughout the night. Billions of them watch me as I watch them, constantly twinkling at me.

Then there’s the moon, which tells stories each night. The moon shows up even when she’s not at her fullest. I watch the moon move the ocean, and it moves me, for I am ruled by the moon as well. It was probably the most nuanced and gentle gesture that the universe could offer me—a scenery I could stare at forever.

Well, yes, until I stared into your eyes.

There is something magical in your eyes that reveals a spectacular convergence of all the celestial bodies I hold in high admiration. I am on a journey of my own, barely moving, but when I look into your eyes, it feels as though I have already reached my destination.

That must be the reason why your eyes seem to twinkle each time I gaze into them.

Darling, you carry the whole universe in your eyes. And I think I will be forever in awe of it.

#a prose for him #my dear laurenz

[steeleidolon]

♫ [I feel like we might have not had enough interactions to warrant many tracks, but yolo]

send ♫ for me to list 3 - 5 songs that i associate with our muses — @gcldfanged

granite -- sleep token

i was more than just a body in your passenger seat and you were more than just somebody i was destined to meet i see you go half-blind when you're looking at me but i am between the second-hand smoke and the glass on the street you gave me nothing whatsoever but a reason to leave you say you want me but you know i'm not what you need but i am when you sit there acting like you know me acting like you only brought me in to get below me never mind the death threats parting at the door we'd rather be six feet under than be lonely if you had a problem then you should have told me before you started getting all aggressive and controlling you only drink the water when you think it's holy so keep an eye on the road or we will both be here forever

perfect machine -- starset

i should've let you know you should've ran for cover i'm just a parlor trick a two-bit counterfeit lay your heart into my perfect machine i will use it to protect you from me i will never let you see what's beneath so good for you and good for me we told ourselves we're right where we ought to be

isolated system -- muse

in an isolated system, entropy can only increase

i can get it back -- zack hemsey

"time heals wounds" is absurd as a theorem but i can see above the sky's getting clearer and though despair of things before will never leave although our past mistakes can never be retrieved way out in the distance is a vessel on the seas and i'mma set a heading toward the sun, 'cause i believe that i can get it back all that hope and that joy that trust and that care those dreams of a boy, i can get it back

----

You're spot on in that it was a little challenging to pull together tracks, but I think this works.

Kunsel encountered Jae during an extremely dark period of his life: he's become everything he was terrified of becoming, and the power at his fingertips would be entirely too easy to abuse. It's tenuous at this point, and if he makes a mistake then it's all for nothing.

Neither of them can continue forward alone. They've both lost important figures in their lives. They've both suffered fucked-up upbringings and felt their support systems collapse around them. The Turks distrust Jae and the animosity seems mutual--and Kunsel has become de facto commander of SOLDIER's new blood, with very few long-term allies (with perhaps the exception of Roche).

It's rocky to start. Clashes. Misunderstandings. Omitted truths, using each other as resources (the over-engineered freak and the tsundere spook) and then seeing each other more as people as they build trust, and maybe figure out a way to crack the foundation of institutional lies and depravity.

Hope is infectious. Kunsel refuses to let hope die. After all, it's more important to try to help people than to know that you did.

#answered prompts #we told ourselves we're right where we ought to be -- gcldfanged

[bblogee]

Quotes archive:

"Out of a mountain of despair, a stone of hope." - Martin Luther King, Jr

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." - Mahatma Gandhi

"If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way." - Napoleon Hill

"I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work." - Thomas Edison

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahtama Ghandi

"Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail." - Charles Kettering

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." - Anne Frank

"Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." - Albert Einstein

"Change your thoughts and change the world." - Norman Vincent

"Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination." - Ray M. Goodman

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears." - Les Brown

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new." - Albert Einstein

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr

"There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." - Edith Wharton

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." - Helen Keller

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." - Winston Churchill

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." - Martin Luther King, Jr

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones." - Chinese proverb

"Others can stop you temporarily - you are the only one who can do it permanently." - Zig Ziglar

"Life has no limitations, except the ones you make." - Les Brown

"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." - Muhammad Ali

"Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you and don't be afraid to be the dumbest one in the room because that gives you the most potential to learn." - Markiplier

"Those who are miserable living in the moment will find misery anytime, anywhere, but those who are happy living in the moment will find happiness anytime, anywhere." - Amanchu!

"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Winnie the Pooh

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." - Winnie the Pooh

"Any day spent with you is my favorite day." - Winnie the Pooh

"The most important thing is, even when we're apart ... I'll always be with you ..." - Winnie the Pooh

"A hug is always the right size.” - Winnie the Pooh

“The things that make me different are the things that make me, me.” - Winnie the Pooh

“You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” - Winnie the Pooh

“Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.” - Winnie the Pooh

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” - Winnie the Pooh

“A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference.” - Winnie the Pooh

“Love is taking a few steps backward, maybe even more…to give way to the happiness of the person you love.” - Winnie the Pooh

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” - Winnie the Pooh

#quotes #archive