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lesbian-ed · 5 years

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How do you move on? I've been in love with this girl for years and I only recently realized we'd never truly be in a committed relationship and it broke my heart. I miss her and I think about her everyday. I joined Her and I've gone on a few dates, but nothing has stuck. I don't really want it to or expect it to, but it still sucks.. I'm completely emotionally unavailable. I feel like I could sleep around and feel nothing. I've never felt like that before. How can I move on?

First and foremost, Anon, I think we need to dispelthe notion that moving on and getting over a broken heart necessarilymean jumping on to the next woman in line. If, as you said yourself,you are emotionally unavailable, my experience is that trying to bewith someone else to break the spell won’t aid you in the least.

See, moving on isn’t about moving on to the nextgirl, but moving on with life, with ourselves. You shouldn’t be attempting toerase the mark this girl has left on you by inviting lots of other women into your bed because it won’t have any effect if youhaven’t done the proper ‘digesting'—it’s no use to strain your bodyto fit in with another while trying to mend your heart and change yourmind. There’s a whole process involved, one of letting go and‘enjoying’ one’s solitude.

I know 'enjoying’ might seem a bit inappropriate whencoupled with the word 'solitude’ in light of an unsuccessfulrelationship, but there are elements of enjoyment to be found inbeing alone once one has surpassed that initial moment of disbelief,hurt, possibly despair. There is nothing novel in recommendingsomeone time in dealing with issues of feeling, I’m sure, andthere’s a reason why people will tell you to wait and let timeflow, but what most fail to tell you is that you cannot sit idly bywhilst consumed by the thought of this one girl, the errors orproblems that led to this outcome, wishing things were different—onthe contrary, I think one must use this moment to assess things asrealistically as possible. If it didn’t work out, then it wasn’tmeant to be—otherwise, logically, it wouldn’t have broken, wouldit?

There is a difference between grieving what we thinkmight have been amazing and condemning ourselves to misery by believing that that was the one chance for happinesswe’d get in this life. The first is a feeling that comes and goes,for, even in the future, when we have left this wholly behind (and itwill happen if you let it, if you make it happen), we still do findourselves wondering 'well, what if?’ but we don’t lose sleepover it anymore; it’s casual, human curiosity. Whereas the second option can lead us to a statevery close to what you’re describing, in which we become somehow verydependent on the memory of what was and on the desire of what couldhave been (or should have been, in our minds), dependent onthe idea of the woman that does not want us back. And that is bad.

It’s common in the first weeks following a break-upor another kind of romantic disenchantment, but to suffer years ofthis, of being shackled to one person who is clearly not at allshackled back to us?

You ask, Anon, how to move on. One must allow time tosweep away the dust of our sadness—but, and many will not like mesaying this, one must also give oneself permission to move on; onemust, at some point, actively pursue the overcoming of our sentimentif time by itself won’t do the trick. And to do that does not mean topursue someone else—but, perhaps, to pursue ourselves.

Now, personally, I dislike psychology and I do notwish to present myself an expert on the matter (Sappho forbid!), butthese sorts of issues, of over-dependence on an ex-girlfriend, onwanting what didn’t come to pass or what has already ended (or neverbegun, depending on the case) always seem to me linked to issues ofconfidence and self-esteem, as if one found it hard or unfeasible toimagine oneself without that person in one’s life. But the truthgenerally is that the person in question is already out of ourlife and we have not yet accepted that reality. For fear, perhaps; ofnever being loved again, of never loving someone to thatdegree again, of never settling down and finding happiness in thearms of any other woman… Reasons abound.

But we tend to feed on a handful of illusions and allof these motives for fear are just that: illusions. Nobody losesvalue by not being corresponded in love; nobody ceases to beimportant because one person in the world suddenly thinksdifferently; nobody is doomed to sadness because we believe ourselvesunloved and/or unloving. I wager we put too much value upon others’perception of us, that we base too much of our happiness on otherpeople—wonderful people, sure, women who stand out in a crowd,otherwise we would not have loved them, but even so we should notforget ourselves to their benefit. We should have the courage to facelife as it is; to choose to move forwards, to leave behind that whichgives us nothing.

Someone might argue that to love a woman still,albeit she loves us not, might give us some strength here and there;that this ideal, romantic, self-sacrificing love is ‘inspiring’; thatit is the only force driving us onwards, that it compells us to make something outof ourselves so those cherished eyes will once again befall us… And I would be forced to respond that livingfor someone else, and especially to that degree, is no way of living.It shouldn’t be difficult to verify that these circumstances are farfrom healthy—and to cling to a love with so much potential for harmis masochistic to say the least. We build prisons out of our owndreams, sometimes, and pain from our joys. With all the romanticismwe tend to use in approaching relationships, it’s a fairly commontrap to fall into.

You might accuse me of being unromantic or unfeelingto speak of these things in this tone, but I assure you I know allabout seeing no way out, about being chained to someone I loved whowould not bat an eyelash towards me. We all have at least oneexperience with this kind of thing and we must find ways to breakfree from this conundrum.

I said earlier that moving on might have something todo with finding ourselves rather than someone else to replace thewoman we loved. That’s also got to do with self-esteem. Many will saythey are incapable and unwilling to love themselves because theybelieve the 'love yourself and others will love you’ line a fallacy;whether it is true or not is completely negligible, because you don’tneed to love yourself, just accept and, perhaps most of all,respect yourself.

Respect your faults and qualities, the time you needto get back up again. Get to know yourself a bit better, enact a bitof harmless selfishness (as in 'I want to see that film in theatresand so I shall, regardless of company’ rather than 'fuck mum and dad,I can spray paint my room and turn up the heavy metal to full volumeif I want to’, mind you), spend time with yourself.

That is, I think, the best and only way to trulyheal. Talk to yourself, listen to yourself. What do you like doing?What are your wants and needs? What are your dreams? What’s yourfavourite smell, food, colour, book, film? Maybe you enjoy walking orswimming or sculpting or meditating or writing. Immerse yourself inyourself. Amidst the chaos of contemporary life, despite thepressures of study or work or peers or family, take a few minutesoff to be with yourself. No, you will not find a void there—and ifyou do, who better to fill it with something nice than you?

You mentioned putting yourself out there, trying toget in touch with other women, but I think sometimes we need to getin touch with ourselves first. And not just when getting over abreak-up or something of the sort, but as much as possible.

It well may be that this is nothing but my own,hyper-individual view on the matter and that many people willdisagree, but, alas, I was the one to answer your question on thisblog today. These are methods by which I have risen again afteradversities of the heart. For we rise again always, Anon. We mustsometimes help ourselves to do it, occupy our hands and muscles andthoughts with something other than our perceived failures, dosomething with ourselves for ourselves rather than for others, wantto be better for ourselves rather than for a partner. In theend, there are few people we can rely on in life apart from thatperson we see in the mirror staring back at us every day.

To finish this (and spare you any more of myphilosophy of life), you will get through this, Anon. It might seemlike a dead end right now, it might seem like you will never leavethis spot of stagnation, but you will. You must want it, as well, ifjust a little bit; be courageous and shed this shell. Breathe. Letyourself be alone for a little while, let it sink in that it did notwork—and that you are not obliged to make anything with anyone elsework at the moment. Focus on you. Find what brings you pleasure anddo not insult your own intelligence and spirit by thinking only shegives you pleasure in life; it isn’t true, not for you, not foranyone. We are made for more than to serve as partners to others,adorable as they might prove to be. If you are currently unable toopen yourself up, then don’t. Don’t go looking for women you’re notyet ready nor willing to bring into your life. Take what you have atthe moment and make the best of it for the time being.

The pressure to find a new girlfriend might even dieout. And that’s a good thing, because we tend to find the mostfantastic and remarkable partners precisely when we aren’tlooking—when we’re ready to live a life with them ratherthan for them, if you know what I mean!

Be patient with yourself and listen to yourself. Bekind. Be to yourself what you’d like others to be. You’ll do just fine.

/Mod T

#Anonymous #break ups #heartbreak #moving on #answered asks #mod t

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chronicbatfictioner · 6 years

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A Real Boy - Chapter 4

"I don't know about going to Bruce Wayne, Tim... I mean, Clark said he's... unhinged." Conner told him. "A non-magi who obtained magi powers and use it to do good behind a mask? Really? If I don't know consequences of my action and whatnot, I'd probably use my powers to like, rule the world or something."

"And do what with the world under your orders? Make them allow you eat french fries and milkshakes at every meal?" Tim retorted.

"Oh no, that's Bart. But I could, you know." Conner replied nonchalantly. "But fries and shakes should be every day meal, anyway, along with bacon. I don't see why not. And for the love of all things mighty, while we're on the subject: in bacon we trust. I don't understand the concept of vegan bacon. If it's called bacon, it should have been made of animal parts. If there's no animal in it, it's veggie chips."

"City people don't burn as much calories on daily basis as you do, farmboy." Jason quipped. "Or like a speedster. But anyway, matter at hand! We - or more specifically, I - don't see Wayne as dangerous, and as you've pointed out yourself, he's been trying to resolve the issues between the faes and other kinds for quite a good long time now."

"He still gets his magi powers through an exchange with the devil or something, and I don't like it." Conner pointed out.

"Actually, he didn't make exchanges. He trained for his magi. You know that there are plenty of loose magical powers everywhere, right?" Jason tested.

"No?" Tim and Conner replied in unison, in the same tone. "How does that work?" Tim wanted to know.

"People like your dad, Tim, when they denied their heritage, their... essence-- or their mana, if you'd rather; would depart their bodies and just... leave. Other people can catch it through years - if not decades - of extensive training and make it their own." Jason explained. "On people like Wayne, the manifestation of the magick won't be as strong as those who was born with it. But it's there."

"Your dad was a witch? I thought it was your mom..." Conner commented.

"No, she wasn't. She was... a fae, apparently." Tim told him hesitantly. Conner - like all of his other friends, never asked of where their parents came from. Tim knew of his friends' heritage, largely because he looked them up. But they had never asked for his, and he has never told. Heck, he had only found out that his dad was a magi and mom was a fae when Jason told him. He was not sure of how Conner would react.

"Oh cool," was Conner's reaction. Tension promptly left Tim's body as he released the breath he didn't even realize he was holding. Jason's hand pressed on his back helped, as Jason seemed to notice Tim's tenseness even before Tim did. "So anyway, when a homo-magi denied their heritage - what does that even mean? I mean how could you just go up and say, 'dude, what even is magick and I don't want it kthanksbye'? Isn't it like saying something along the line of 'hey, I'm not Asian' in spite of like, having actual Asian-origin parents, grandparents, great grandparents, and so on?"

"Yeeeah, not so much. The essence is not visible, right? Unlike your Asian or African or European heritage that can be seen through your hair, eyes, or skin color. It's more like..." Jason paused as he searched for a comparison. "I dunno... More like the wolf saying I'm not wild therefore I'm not a wolf, but a dog?"

"Oookay..." Conner glared at Jason contemplatively. "Weird, but I can actually digest that. Surprise. Okay, so someone like Tim's dad forsaken his essence, and said essence just do a free-flow around the world until someone like Bruce Wayne come around and snatched it?"

"That-- is the very short nutshell version of it. Like a single-nut's shell." Jason almost snickered.

"But it's not gonna be necessarily Tim's dad's essence?" Conner clarified.

"No, not necessarily." Jason confirmed. "That was just an example."

"So Bruce Wayne had actually trained and get his magick essence." Tim remarked. "Why him? I mean, there's got to be more people like him, right? People who has trained hard and earned magickal abilities."

"Yes and no. Yes, there are people like him who'd trained hard and get a magickal essence. But most of them would have sacrificed something - or someone - to get to where Bruce is. The best those others could do is maybe make a rabbit come out of a hat. Or lasers out of their fingers or eyes or whatever orifice they opted it to come out from. And I could only name a very small handful who would use it to protect others."

That logic Tim could understand. Nobody who lived in Gotham hasn't heard of Bruce Wayne, the metaphorical 'Prince' of Gotham. The only heir of Wayne family after five solid generations of money that built Gotham City. Bruce had lost his parents to murder that happened in a robbery gone bad when he was ten. And after a stint-slash-disappearing overseas, he reemerged in Gotham some years ago and stated right away that he was going to fix it. He has been pouring money and effort and support and all that is needed to rebuild Gotham from the slum it was once to the metropolitan city it is today.

The magi side of Tim, however, knew that the money and effort and support and planning were not the only things Bruce Wayne had given. Once upon a time, Tim had seen Bruce out at night, wearing a bat mask that covered half his face and cape that flowed around him menacingly. He was working in stopping magi-based crimes. The lore of the 'Bat-man' has been around since Tim was about three or four, and a few years ago, he had finally managed to see it on his own.

There were many monsters - to put it mildly - that were stopped by Bruce's alter ego before they could hurt their prey. Vampirical magis who had tried to use blood or other humans' life or fear to boost their powers; demonic misfits who only wanted to destroy and hurt others for their own benefit; miscreant goblins and hoarders who did not care for the non-magis in lieu of possession of random artifacts or cursed objects, and abandoned mystical beasts that needed to feed after they were discarded by their previous owners.

Yes, Bruce Wayne has done a lot of good for Gotham. But still, he was a warlock - someone who hunts magical beings and creatures. Even if he had - so far - done it behind a mask and only toward magis who abused their powers, Tim was a magi. Likewise with his teammates. Cassie's magick might be more... tolerable for Wayne, known for his association with Cassie's mentor, Diana Prince. But Rachel? Rachel was a full-on demon with a demon as her dad.

Which made it a not-good idea to cross path with Bruce Wayne, a warlock.

The only thing Tim would have asked, if he would ever cross Bruce Wayne in person - preferably in private, is why would he hide his face. It's not like the authorities would do anything to stop him if they knew it was him, anyway. A magi could probably tell right away who he was, mask or no mask. He was fooling no one in Tim's side of the world.

"Yeeeah, regardless. Clark said he's pretty hard on his stance against magickal things. Claimed he'd only used his abilities to contain rogue magicks. Personally, I'm not comfortable that you'd bring Tim to him. He's... he could find out about our gang." Conner argued.

"Annnd... your gang isn't exactly a 'bad kids' gang', anyway. What's your problem?" Jason countered.

"He doesn't sound like someone who could be reasoned with." Conner deadpanned.

"He's a Gothamite born and bred." Jason countered.

"Eh, he's got a point." Tim shrugged. Gothamites were not people to be reasoned with. They just do things or don't do things. "'Sides, that's kind of exactly what I'm like." he added.

"You can still be reasoned with," Conner argued.

"I'm also sixteen. Wayne is-- what? In his 30s? He's got to have a lot more experience and reasons why he can't be reasoned with. All I would need to do is talk to him and tell him of Jason's warning. It stands to reason that he'd never heard of anything like this if he doesn't have a familiar."

Conner sighed exasperatedly. "Fine," he eventually said. "But please remember, once Wayne knows of us, we may not be safe. So please, please, please, please leave the lot of us out of this."

"That's a lot of 'please'," Jason commented.

"That's to emphasize just how much I mean it." Conner retorted.

"Okay! Oh my goddess, you don't have to be dramatic!"

"Besides, who said he hasn't known about you all, yet?" Jason grinned impishly, and Tim felt like tossing the coffee pot to his head when Jason turned to him and warned. "Don't. Even."

Tim rolled his eyes. "Tell me his personality is generic and isn't an aspect of mine." he told Conner.

"No, you're a lot more fun and less sass." Conner replied, and then frowned; "...or is it more sass and less fun? Or more fund - with a 'd'? Anyway, no he's not like you."

"That's a relief..." Tim dryly remarked. "...at least I know that you think highly of my funding abilities."

"Hey, I'm just a poor farm boy." Conner replied, smiling sweetly.

"...so you relinquished your dignity to let Tim be your sugar daddy. Yay." Jason quipped.

The coffeepot came flying toward Jason's head manually, courtesy of Conner, and Jason cackled while avoiding it.

"Guys, really..." Tim sighed, glaring forlornly at the spilled coffee. Nary a drop of it had hit Jason, nor the pot that he had caught neatly. But there was a large line of coffee puddle across the living room now. "You two derps better clean that up, or I'll throw something bigger and heavier and magickal-er next!"

#Tim Drake #Jason Todd #Magi!AU #JayTim #Conner Kent #bruce weber #no-capeAU

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secretgiftsforshaman · 4 years

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I wrote 2826 entire words before I collapsed last night

I have been seriously struggling this academic quarter. And I seriously struggled last academic quarter. As I did in undergrad, and in high school, junior high, and elementary. But I do not have any learning disabilities. And you have some idea of how smart I am in general, but I’ll share one specific example about just how very academically intelligent I am. On the SAT, I scored 700 in reading, 730 in writing, and 780 in math and I did not study for it. I spent most of the test bored and waiting for the allotted time to run out because I finished nearly every section way early. Early enough that at one point I had enough time to leisurely leave and use the restroom and came back before everyone else had finished. The only reason I did not score a perfect 800 in math because I missed *exactly* one question. I can still remember and visualize exactly which one it was – and only I missed it because it was the second to last one of the last math section and my brain read the word ‘diameter’ and was tired enough that my brain went ‘oh cool, radius’ even though I could have easily solved that problem when I was 11 or 12 (if you haven’t already gone “wow, she’s got some serious perfectionism issues” then now would be a good time for you to do so).

All of this to say: it has never been a question of not being able to understand the content. Very, very rarely in my entire scholastic lifetime have I ever not understood what was being taught to me. It is – and always has been – a matter of not being able to sit down and do the work.

One of the rubs of being so smart (especially when also socially inept – I don’t think I’ve ever had a formal diagnosis, but I would be astonished to learn if I wasn’t somewhere on the autism spectrum) is that your sense of self-worth is all too easily conflated with your intelligence and academic performance, placing massive pressure on yourself to be good at school, ‘cause that’s one of the few things I was reliably good at.

Most of my school-age bullies, particularly the loudest ones, were just as smart as I was: all enrolled in the same accelerated classes, but they didn’t struggle the way I did, and they definitely saw it, and made sure I knew they did. They could all do their homework and turn things in on time, but I just couldn’t sit down and do even the simplest assignments sometimes – let alone the big projects and reports, not without crippling deadline pressure. My parents and teachers also tended to view the situation as if there was some kind of issue with me, too: that I was lazy/disorganized/not ‘applying myself’/needed discipline and punishment and then I’d be fine – alllll of that unhelpful bullshit.

Nobody thought that I wasn’t smart enough, though. Clearly, I was always great on tests: sit me down and ask me what I know and if there’s a definitive correct answer then odds are good that I knew what it was, so I excelled in math and science, and I took great comfort from knowing what I was doing and working familiar problems over and over. But having to go find sources for research and report on something or answer essay style questions – anything subjective or humanities-ish – was my kryptonite. I couldn’t ever say “this is enough information, this is complete and I’m done now” – once I started searching I’d drown in all of the information available and not be able to pull myself out with just enough to get the job done. I would become paralyzed simply by the thought of needing to sit down and do schoolwork, so I’d avoid it and distract myself with reading or anything else BUT schoolwork. And if I ever fell behind (which ALWAYS happened because that’s what happens when your avoidant coping is your default), then it was like pouring anti-napalm on everything: I’d be even more frozen and unable to function, like cold terrified acid licking through my veins. I have been a student most of my life – 21 and a half years to date – and the entire fucking time I’ve been limping along like this, always hoping at the start of each new term that This Time, somehow, I could Just Do It Already The Way I Should Be Able To, but over and over that optimism has crumbled to ashes in that undying flame of fear, paralysis, self-disgust, and despair.

I am able, now, to identify and name what I have suffered from my entire life, the condition that I was made to carry so much crippling SHAME for, that I learned to hide almost completely from all of my loved ones for over a decade so nobody would see that shame and decide to think less of me.

I have anxiety and complex PTSD.

Where one ends and the other begins isn’t worth the effort of trying to tease them apart. The DSM-5 is an imperfect tool and no diagnosis is a uniform monolith – anxiety, PTSD, depression, and every other name of every other illness is merely a professional shorthand for “all/most of these symptoms are present.” It makes much more sense to treat my anxiety and PTSD as a single condition. Moreover, I have a strong suspicion that my endocrine disorder, PCOS, was triggered by the chronic stress/elevated cortisol and insulin (because one of the most socially acceptable ways for our nervous systems to regulate and soothe themselves when under stress is with food), and if it isn’t completely just part of the same thing, then it’s LARGELY overlapping with the anxiety/PTSD (I know that my mother and grandmother suffered in a very similar way in school, and I know that the PCOS is tied to inherited/ancestral trauma, so it makes every kind of sense if the anxiety/PTSD that we all have is related as well).

I have had a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis on my chart for years, and I’ve known, in my rational brain, that I’ve needed to get it under control to feel better and function in school (and to be honest, with almost all other professional/adulting things too). But thinking about what I need and actually DOING something about it are such utterly different things. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have been able to admit to myself that I need real, professional help to overcome this condition – and to ask for and start receiving that help. There is a big culture in my family, especially us women, about ignoring our own issues and focusing on helping other people first (I know I must have written to you about this before), so this has been a massive step for me.

For a while I’ve been struggling to stay on top of my classes, and have fallen behind in all four of them, and the feeling of being overwhelmed has only increased exponentially. I’ve wanted, desperately, to go to an emotional ER so many times the past month, so much so that I found myself wanting (and knowing on a deep level that my body needs) some kind of pharmaceutical support to get me through the fucking day and allow me to do some of the massive, teetering pile of backlogged work. Upon hearing about my experiences of paralysis and dysfunction, and scoring very high on the anxiety diagnosis questionnaire she used, my doc, who rarely reaches for her Rx pad off the bat, suggested putting me on Clonidine (non-addictive, originally developed for hypertension) especially after my double-checked at-home blood pressure reading was 154/80 (which is consistent with STAGE 2 HYPERTENSION in an otherwise healthy and young TWENTY-NINE YEAR OLD for fucks sake)(insert emojis denoting ABJECT PANIC here).

I am comforted by the fact that my doctor, who I’ve seen since I was a tweenager, has shifted in the past few years to specialize in treating addiction and substance dependency, so if there’s anybody who I can trust to medicate me without causing a chemical dependence it’s her (thank GODDESS). Dr. M agrees with my perspective that the meds are just a temporary measure to alleviate my symptoms enough to function, and that the true treatment is the therapy work that I’ve been trying to do for myself, but there’s only so much you can do all by your lonesome, no matter how many self-help books you read (and goodness knows I’ve read a TON).

So I also finally started seeing a therapist (!), and just admitting some of this out loud to another person has been so profoundly healing. Our second session was this past Wednesday, and I was able to start opening up and telling her that I think my anxiety traces back to ancestral trauma and how I feel called to use a bottom-up, somatic approach (hence my recent interest in shamanism, ritual, soul retrieval, transpersonal psychology, etc., which she’s totally accepting of; again, THANK GODDESS).

One of the many many many self-help books that I’ve had my nose in is “The Instinct to Heal: Curing Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Without Drugs and Without Talk Therapy” by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD (which I started reading like a day before I finally admitted that I needed to take drugs and do talk therapy *laughing at myself emoji here*). Servan-Schreiber beautifully articulated the relationship between our neocortex: the newly, highly developed, outer portions of the brain where our logic, reason, cognition, and consciousness arise from, and our limbic system: the older, more primitive inner section of our brains that controls our unconscious, autonomic physiological processes (like breathing, digestion, heart rate, etc.), trauma, instinct, intuition, and emotion, and is therefore far more deeply and intensely connected to the body (and bodily held memories) than the neocortex.

I’ve been running around in my rational, conscious, neocortex mind *thinking* about all of my issues and traumas and everything for ages, and I understand so much about these things on that rational level – but that is miles away from the irrational, unconscious, limbic bodymind where all of those traumas actually ARE and continue to play out over and over as if they’re still happening. This is something that my therapist helped me understand – our neocortex understands that this is a different time and the thing that happened in the past is over and done and we’re safe now, but the limbic system has no sense of time. In our irrational reptile brains, everything still exists the same as it did all those years ago as if it never stopped happening. THIS is where our inner wounded child lives, where a soul fragment likely fled from for safety in the midst of the unendurable whatever-it-was that precipitated the trauma response, and where the empty spot is where it needs to be called back to still resides, open and waiting and longing.

THIS is why I’ve felt called towards the irrational, mystical, shamanic modes of healing: I’ve done as much as I can with my rational mind, which cannot be used to solve an irrational problem or heal an irrational wound, which is what all trauma is. A couple of weeks ago, when I asked you for your help as a shaman with conducting a soul retrieval, this is the kind of work that I was starting to realize that I need to do. The crazy Thing That I Did that I told you about (and meant to describe for you more at the time but I was exhausted and desperately needed the rest instead) was a small and beautiful spontaneous retrieval of a part of me when I was seven, a part that was thirteen, and a part of me as a young infant that I brought to my own breast in recognition that I was both deserving of my own love, nourishment, and care, and capable of being a loving, heart-centered parent to myself. I felt all of the past, younger versions of me that I’ve already been gathered in concentric circles within me, and all of the older versions of me that I’ve not yet been spiraling around me, and my ancestors and guides and spirits and all of the love and kindness that anyone has ever directed towards me gathered around all of me like a compassionate embrace, and I think that it was that experience that gave me just enough of my soul back, just enough juice and magic that I could start digging my teeth in and taking the steps I needed to take to seek treatment and get my legs back underneath me.

As amazing and beautiful as that experience was, it wasn’t everything that I need in order to heal. I want to do a soul retrieval/healing ritual to unfreeze the part of me (and the part of my mother, grandmother, and other ancestors) that is stuck in that root trauma – where the anxiety, complex PTSD, PCOS - where all of that junk stems from. I don’t yet have much sense at all what that’s gonna look like, but I know that it’s gonna be the biggest damn spell I’ve ever cast, and that I don’t think I can cast it alone. Watch this space.

I do think, though, that preparing for that is the thing to do for now, by accumulating small things on multiple fronts – growing my strength, calling back small parts of me, telling more and more loved ones about my truth, chipping away at the stack of things to do, continuing with meds and therapy, contacting my professors and possibly the department/program admin (with a letter from Dr. M in hand documenting my diagnosis and treatment) to let them know that I need help I’m figuring out how to make up for assignments that I haven’t turned in and make sure that I can continue next quarter and not get kicked out of the program. I’m still carrying a lot of fear of failure/expulsion around this (and anxiety = paralysis = inaction for me, even though I desperately want to fix it) – especially after handling myself so badly in a similar situation at the end of last quarter. When you’ve got a minute, I’d appreciate a pep talk about broaching the subject with them.

All in all, I’m doing well and things are looking up in a way I’ve NEEDED them to start looking up for literal decades. I’ve even been able to start telling my mother about how badly I’ve been doing (she knows I’ve seen my doctor and started therapy and meds) and allowing her to see that pain and struggle after years of hiding it from her out of shame has been scary but such a relief. But Goddess Knows I’ve got A LOT to do still. Just cause I’ve finally struck a match and can navigate a little better doesn’t mean I’m out of the dungeon yet.

I began the meds just yesterday, and I’ve spent the day decompressing (never been a better time for me to have a few days all to myself kitten-sitting for some friends while they go to a tiny, COVID-regulation compliant thanksgiving visit with their family in Portland). Drowsiness is a listed side effect of Clonidine, and I was really worried that my prescribed dose was too high after being soooooo tired yesterday and today after I took the pills, but my increasing suspicion is that I’ve just been so high-strung and hypervigilant (hello super premature hypertension!) that the anti-anxiety/BP-lowering drug just uncovered the chronic e x h a u s t I o n that was already (always) there, rather than them making me drowsy when I wasn’t. So I’ve spent the day eating my friend’s leftovers (she’s an AMAZING cook) and cat napping with the two sweetest little troublemakers you ever did see (I’ll send pics!).

I think that FINALLY being able to relax like this was what helped me to begin to be receptive and start opening up (and connecting with you!) again. Anxiety = I clam up, my libido nosedives, and my pelvic tightness/vaginal armoring gets painful and rigid – all bad prospects for wild, sexy, blooming Love-Lust-and-Light fun. I was so glad to reconnect with you – and that you reminded me that I need to get this out and I can process it and heal it by sharing it with you – that our Sacred Space is still there for me to use and pour my pain and magic and consciousness out into.

I think that’s all the most important developments. I’m excited to hear all about all of your new developments, processing, perspectives too.

And now I’m gonna go to bed. One nap today was NOT enough to recover from goddess-knows-how-long-I’ve-had-this chronic fatigue. I’ll talk to you soon

I love you, Άδης

Your Εκάτε <3

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furederiko · 7 years

Photo

My 2nd and last Random-News-Digest for the month of November!

(Images courtesy of Disney Pixar Studio, Walt Disney Pictures, Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, and CAPCOM. Taken from Official Trailers and/or Official Sites)

Pocket Monsters

This was actually a news from earlier this month. But since I was more focused on the launch of "Pokemon Ultra Sun & Ultra Moon" on my previous R-N-D, I've decided to put this on hold.

Variety reported that young actor Justice Smith has been cast as the male lead of "Detective Pikachu". Smith will be playing the human companion of the titular character, who was seemingly a brunette-haired white boy in the video game. I'm not that much familiar with Smith, but the change on the race angle is acceptable because it shows that Hollywood is being proactive in casting POC actors as lead. Of course, the main question in everyone's mind, is WHO will be voicing Detective Pikachu himself. Will Danny DeVito, the actor that seems to be on every fans' wishlist get the part? We'll see...

Disney Animation

The much awaited and demanded sequel among Pixar Studio's roster, "The Incredibles 2", delivered its first poster and official teaser. The teaser might be really brief, as it only features Craig T. Nelson's character and the little baby Jack-Jack showcasing his numerous superpowers. But it didn't stop it from snatching every attention and breaking record along the way. According to various sources, the story will focus on Holly Hunter's Elastigirl and their older kids, while Mr. Incredible is stuck babysitting. Will that be a good storypoint for a sequel? Can this one be better than the likes of... I don't know, "Monsters University", "Finding Dory", or at the very least this year's "Cars 3"? We'll see when the movie arrives in Summer 2018...

Thankfully, at the same time the studio's "Coco" also captured the Thanksgiving holiday buzz, and gained an immense positive reaction from families. The A+ Cinema Score result was a solid win, as the hispanic-themed musical easily defeated the might of DC superheroes to be the number 1 movie over the weekend. It also proved that Pixar still has what it takes to churn out original stories, and not rely on sequels. I strongly hope this movie will have a strong leg going forward, and becomes a financial success as well. Even if to encourage the studio, and other animation studios to work on more originals.

Disney Live Action

If you think the teaser for Ava DuVernay's "A Wrinkle in Time" was weird, then wait till you see its full official trailer. It doesn't look A BIT like DuVernay's previous work, "Selma", that's for sure. LOL. This feels like what you'd get if "Doctor Strange" is combined with an equal dose of bright colors and wackiness from "Thor: Ragnarok" and "Guardians of the Galaxy", with a mixture of a "Chronicles of Narnia" movies and James Cameron's "Avatar" in the story department. I might be scratching my head hearing all those pseudo-science mumbo jumbo, but I also really want to see Oprah Winfrey, Mindy Kaling, Zach Galifianakis, and particularly Michael Peña being weird deities or something like that. My only concern, is that this also reminds me of Brad Bird's "Tomorrowland". With a POC female director behind the wheels, I genuinely want this movie to succeed. So let's just hope it does NOT end up like that Disney movie. March 9th, 2018 can't come soon enough.

Niki Caro's "Mulan" reimagining has found its lead actress. Crystal Liu, or Liu Yifei has been selected over 1000 candidates to portray Fa Mulan. In case it's not obvious enough, Liu is 100% Chinese, so there's no whitewashing this one. She's a very popular name in her home country, though honestly this is the first time I have heard of her. Not surprisingly too, she has had experiences with Hollywood having been part of action movies like "The Forbidden Kingdom" and 2014's "Outcast". So... not exactly an unknown name, huh? Disney is not taking any chances, I suppose. But oh well, at least we won't be hearing whitewashing complains anytime soon. Now if only Godfrey Gao could be cast as Captain Li Shang. He IS, around the same age range to Liu, right? Mmhmmmmm *nods* *grins*

Jurassic Park

"Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" had shared its first official image. Coming straight from writer Colin Trevorrow's twitter account, it portrayed Chris Pratt's Owen Grady with his son... er, I mean a baby Velociraptor. Hmmm... those who have seen the first "Jurassic World" and possess a logical brain, would quickly question one thing: WHY ON EARTH do these guy still mess around with the dinosaurs, instead of leaving them be?! Seriously, Owen might be a Raptor trainer, but these creatures almost killed him too!

Trevorrow's name has been painted rather 'negatively' thanks to his departure from "Star Wars", so many people have been watching this title closely whether it will get the same effect of his "Book of Henry" or not. Of course, J.A. Bayona is the director for this one, but who can really tell what kind of influence Trevorrow brings, right? "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" roars into theatres on June 22nd, 2018. You might want to wait a little longer to see a trailer...

DC Films

When filmmakers keep on using lame excuses like "This movie is made for fans and not critics" to explain bad reviews, then... well, that's exactly what you get. Only fans... in fact, just half of them and not all, came to see "Justice League" on opening weekend. I'm not trying to throw a shade or being sarcastic here... (or am I, you decide), but the first weekend performance for the movie? It was NOT good. It even didn't reach the minimum expectation number. Great goodness, where did all those so-called devoted DC fans go?! #SARCASM

I know this news has been reported pretty much everywhere, but let's have a quick recap of what happened. Signs of trouble were already apparent when the movie had a somewhat 'troubling' start on Thursday, November 16th. Comic book adaptations, and in particular DC properties tend to be massively frontloaded, because unlike other studios, Warner Bros usually opened their movies on the same dates worldwide. So the fact that it had a dismal Thursday night was quite a surprise. But it was still a higher number than critically received Wonder Woman, giving it a glitter of hope. Then Friday sum came along, and it was another disappointing number. Again, still better than Gal Gadot's solo movie. But then the overall weekend estimation came out, and the concern was justified. "Justice League" 'only' took $96m domestically, which was a 'disaster' for a movie featuring not one or two, but SIX of DC's iconic superheroes. Some folks were still spinning a positive point of view, saying that it at least had passed the lowest speculated number (which was $95m, by the way). Oh no, it got bett... er I mean, worse. The ACTUAL revenue wasn't even inline with those numbers, as the movie merely achieved ALMOST $94m. OUCH!!!

As I've talked about in an earlier category, last weekend the movie quickly fell down from its top spot, thanks to "Coco" dominating the Thanksgiving holiday. The movie might have passed $480m worldwide in its 2nd week, but judging from the family power of that Disney Pixar movie that has yet to open in European countries, combined with the wonders of "Wonder", and strong leg of "Thor: Ragnarok"... can we even expect "Justice League" to perform much better compared to previous titles on its kins? I doubt. The movie is still on the path of 'biggest bomb' of 2017 if not all time, and is prone to inflict loss for the studio. Of course, should we even be surprised about it, when even the underestimated "Power Rangers" fared better than this movie?

Say what you will to defend this movie, but to WB it all comes back to nothing but business. You can even call this, an unmitigated disaster. This low number would totally influences the executives' upcoming decision regarding their Movie Universe. Seriously, because this is NOT the first of its kind (already the fifth, in case you forgot), yet the opening numbers of each movies continue to decline. It's an ambitious ensemble movie that the studio boldly expected to perform as big as Marvel Studios' 2012 "The Avengers", but wasn't able to even achieve the same response to an obscure team of "Guardians of the Galaxy". Compared to WB's own DC catalogue, even the oft-ridiculed campy had "Batman Forever" opened higher! That might be acceptable in the eyes of 'fans' or average moviegoers, but for a studio as big as WB? Likely NOT. Especially when they still can focus on other more beneficial franchises like "Kong: Skull Island" or... the next category *grins*.

Could we be heading towards another Dark Universe situation here? Really though, I think I can actually agree with a reboot or some sort, so the universe can keep the good parts (like Gadot's Diana Prince) and pretty much ditch or change everything else. Ben Affleck is on his way out anyway, and Henry Cavill's prospect to continue with his version of Superman has become very dim because he has completed his obligation. "Aquaman" and "Wonder Woman 2" will still be released. "Shazam!" is set to start production early next year, but its script might be reworked to safely exclude the character from the continuity. An idea that I'm totally ALL IN! *grins*. Matt Reeves' "The Batman" will be set in an entirely different Bat-Family-verse, possibly alongside Joss Whedon's "Batgirl" (no, Whedon is NOT fired or anything like rumored. Seriously, what is wrong with you DC Fans?!). And that R-rated "Deathstroke" movie might still see the light of day, even if because its lead actor is desperate keen to have it made. But the rest of the movies planned or talked about? You might not want to get your hopes up for them too soon, to avoid disappointments. Unless... the studio decides to resort to "Flashpoint" for a soft reboot.

Anyway, back to "Justice League" for a bit before I wrap up this category. Apparently some fans are already hilariously campaigning for the studio to release a Zack Snyder 'Director's Cut' version of the movie. Not surprising, considering WB had indeed DONE that TWICE already with the garbage that were "Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice" and "Suicide Squad". Three times the charm, huh? To the point that they are desperate enough to do practically ANYTHING to get what they want... as reported by a movie critic whose name has been illegitimately used for 'the cause'. *sigh* Here we go again...

No offense to those 'over-passionate' people, but this is EXACTLY the problem with these fraction of DC fans. They are quick to act without properly thinking about things first. Why? 1) As Batman-News has pointed out, WB did NOT like Snyder's cut. He screened his unfinished version, like 10 effing months ago. So naturally, Snyder could NOT have his 'version' done considering WB immediately handed over the job to Whedon, who took over the entirety of the movie's post production. If a 'Director's Cut' these fans are asking, then that would be Whedon's and not Snyder's. 2) Despite the fact Snyder showed support in one, or how his cinematographer is dying to see one, his Director's Cut version would obviously require additional funding to finish. Don't forget that despite the worldwide response that leans towards positive, the movie's theatrical release might end up as a financial LOSS to WB. That pretty much prevents WB from spending extra money for another retool. They would be crazy to shower more money into this already-expensive movie just to please fans (for as much as they say they make movies for them, they don't actually give a damn). Unless of course, Snyder pulls a Ridley Scott and finished his version with his own money. Meaning, he probably would need to buy the movie's rights, and pay for all the visual effects, etcetera etcetera. 3) This petition proves that instead of going to the theatres to see the movie again to... I don't know, boost its revenue number, these fans would rather whine and demand for a HOME VIDEO release. No wonder the opening weekend was low! 4) I'll have to repeat my previous criticism here. If WB will indeed release an 'Ultimate' or 'Extended' home video version, then... well, the more the reason to NOT see this in theatres now, right? No kidding, why would we waste money on a half-baked product?! Just wait a few months, and we can see the whole thing with just a bit of extra money, right? That's the easy logic right there, and precisely the method I took to see these DC Films titles until now. The fact that WB had done it twice, is also the reason why some folks I know blatantly REFUSE to see the movie in theatres. After all, nobody would want to be fooled more than TWICE, right?

Fans be fans, and expecting them to change would be beyond comprehension. But at the very least, I hope on the other side of the table, both WB and DC Entertainment are learning the correct lessons from this outcome. Things as general as... don't rush into things, don't put too much stuff without proper payoffs, focus on telling a good story, or don't treat audience like they are stupid, to the most philosophical one like stay humble, be nice to others (whether its fans, critics or other studios), and stop trying to best a rival who's already waaaay ahead in their game *sigh*.

I'm not rejoicing or being rude or anything, but I believe DC direly needs to hit the reset button on the movies. And if it's possible, ditch WB completely if they want to do this right. Much of the DC Films ordeal actually have gotten to do with the studio execs meddling too much and demanding so many things that has continued damaging the properties. DC fans DESERVE better movies, and I don't think this flawed universe can hold it up anymore. Much like how Rebirth 'deleted' New 52, time to create a clean slate for the movie universe as well! If it works in the comics, why not, right? In the end, I think DC should just stick to what they do best, or better than the competitor: TELEVISION. FYI, this is what they get from not utilizing or banking in the same actors from those successful CW shows. Told ya so...

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Bring on "Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald"!

Yes, I might be the odd man out, but I'm genuinely more interested to see what the "Fantastic Beasts" franchise has to offer next instead of DC Films. I admit, my favorite part of the first movie was Eddie Redmayne's Newt Scamander Pokede... I mean Private Zoo, so I felt pretty disappointed that the sequel will focus on Johnny Depp's Gellert Grindelwald. But the words of executive producer David Heyman has made me highly intrigued. Talking to Entertainment Weekly, he said that the sequel will have "a very different feel than the first. It’s got a thriller quality. And it’s also a story about love and passion and all its forms — paternal, romantic, political. And it’s just a thrilling and very fun adventure.". That 'thriller' aspect is enough to catch my attention. Can we expect to see a darker turn, possibly involving Jude Law's young Albus Dumbledore? How will Scamander and his Scooby-gang be properly integrated into this situation without sacrificing the things that made them interesting?

Heyman also teased that the movie will look more 'dynamic' with "contemporary cinematic approach". Despite the time setting being maaaaany years prior to "Harry Potter"? Now THAT is what I'm curious to see too. I hope the end result will not mirror the issue with "Star Wars" or "The Lord of the Rings" franchise. Remember how their prequel stories look waaay more advance (in visual and also... actor's age LOL) than their original stories? "Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald" opens on November 16th, 2018.

X-Men Universe

According to a very fresh report that just came in yesterday, apparently talks between Disney and FOX about the latter's movie and TV division have resurfaced. It's still rumor for now, but I'm not surprised if it's true. Other corporations, including SONY and Comcast have approached FOX for the same proposition, so it makes perfect sense that Disney will up their game and pursue the deal more rapidly. After all, FOX had some movie copyrights that would benefit Disney greatly. As I've mentioned before, there will be pros and cons if this acquisition becomes a reality. Naturally, fans everywhere are already filled with logical and occasionally pointless concerns over the fate of FOX's Marvel movies. A bit premature, if you ask me, but I guess that's what makes the internet such a fun and... crazy place. Let's just see how this turns out, okay!

Meanwhile, actress Lizzy Caplan has entered negotiations to play the lead female actress in Channing Tatum's "Gambit". It's still unclear if she will be portraying Bella Donna Boudreaux, considering actress Lea Seydoux had previously been attached to the role. Assuming the script has not gone through massive alteration, that could very well be the character Caplan has been offered. At least, that's the general notion in many people's head for the time being. Of course, things could have evolved since the movie was first promoted as a sexy thriller heist, so it's not yet a sure thing until it is confirmed. Directed by Gore Verbinski, "Gambit" will arrive on February 14th, 2019.

Marvel Studios

This here is the main reason why this R-N-D got postponed a few days to the end of November: the first trailer of "Avengers: Infinity War". Yes, OFFICIALLY available worldwide around 8,5 hours ago (following the 08.00AM EST premiere on Good Morning America), it's Marvel Studios' answer to the crazy buzzing cries of demand that got many people... uhm, emotionally riled up. It has gotten to the point that people have been shamelessly leaking actual footages from the movie itself. Not cool people, NOT cool.

I personally didn't really need to see a trailer for this movie. But I'm not gonna lie, the HYPE machine was tooo strong, that well... a not-so-strong-on-the-inside guy like yours truly would easily got swept away. I think ANY fans of the Marvel Studios release would be weak for this kind of thing. LOL. Is the trailer any good? You're kidding, right? Of course! #MINDBLOWING. It teases that the movie lives up to its somber title, and... that's all I'm going to say, as you need to see it yourself to have the full experience (I almost had a heart attack when I first saw it... Oh, Vision T_T). Beside, every entertainment sites will surely be talking about it, excessively analyzing every details that will decorate their pages. For at least two weeks ahead (if it hasn't started before... LOL) until its Disney-cousin "Star Wars: The Last Jedi" comes knocking on everyone's door. "Avengers: Infinity War" arrives on May 4th, 2018. But I'm sure you're already aware about that... XD

True to what Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige had promised, said trailer arrived in November. Timed perfectly just a few days after Vanity Fair unveiled its special coverage (published on November 27th, to be precise) to that much-talked-about exclusive photoshoot that took place in Pinewood Atlanta Studio last month. A grand celebration to the studio's 10 years of enduring success. For the record, Vanity Fair held their own separate photoshoot featuring only 32 out of 83 people involved in the event (a small percent are likely directors, writers, and producers), so the actual result of said event is still big question marks to any of us. Thankfully, the magazine's coverage is a marvelous substitute. It details the studio's journey and rise to fame from an independently-funded team into a billion dollar maker. It also pushes Feige's hidden personal story to the spotlight, exposing the key ingredient to the Marvel Cinematic Universe's success and global domination: FANBOY FEIGE himself. Go ahead and visit Vanity Fair to read the entire coverage, alongside its coupling stories about the superhero looks and look back to "Iron Man". Those are really good and highly recommended reads!

"Ant-Man and the Wasp" has officially wrapped on November 20th. This one was finally confirmed by director Peyton Reed himself and lead actress Evangeline Lilly. Lead actor Paul Rudd on the other hand, had some fun on HBO's "Night of Too Many Stars" benefit show, flaunting his latest Ant-Man suit while making a joke about his previous movie "I Love You, Man". I personally loved this comedy, so I fully understand what he's saying. The end of production also filmed a rather spoilerific scene in Hawaii, featuring Michael Douglas' Hank Pym and Michelle Pfeiffer's Janet van Dyne. You might want to avoid that link if you don't like spoilers. Anyway, with "Infinity War" trailer out on the market, the greedy question now is: When can we get one for this movie? LOL. "Ant-Man and the Wasp" opens in July 6th, 2018.

On the "Captain Marvel" side of things, the one and only Jude Law has entered talks to portray a key role: the original Captain Marvel... Dr. Walter Lawson a.k.a. Kree Warrior Mar-Vell himself. Mar-Vell is an important figure in the Marvel universe, because not only he's partially responsible for Carol Danvers' powers, he's also the father of another superhero, and a Guardians of the Galaxy member. Having this character in the MCU is inevitable, because I'm sure his involvement will bleed into the next 'Phase' paving way for new characters. And of course, if Law agrees to accept this role (which I think he will), then we'll have two pair of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson in the MCU! If there's one thing Marvel Studios' movies are always good at, it's in their choice of picture-perfect A-list casting. To think that Law wasn't even the first big name who was approached for this part...

The Hollywood Reporter coverage of the same story, seemingly confirmed that actor Ben Mendelsohn has officially become part of the movie's ensemble. Although many have speculated that he could be playing a Skrull Commander, it looks like he could be portraying another key role in Brie Larson's Carol Danvers' ascension to hero: the super villain Yon-Rogg! Not that I'm surprised, of course, regardless of the source's... uhm... lack of credibility. Lastly, a report stated that the movie's production has undergone another schedule change. Apparently, production for the movie is now expected to begin early March to mid-July. However, casting process have already begun because several key roles are expected to film earlier in January. Are they needed for "Avengers 4" then? Quite possibly. Larson herself has already been confirmed to be part of it, which also explains the swift progress the studio is taking with Mendelsohn. With the same reason, I think we can expect follow up regarding Law's status in the near future as well. "Captain Marvel" might be released on March 8th, 2019, but her buzz is already getting louder and louder everyday!

As for what's next? Well... this is where things get rather startling. In a fascinating mysterious way. In the Vanity Fair coverage, Feige confirmed that the May 3rd, 2019 "Avengers 4" will indeed bring a finale or some sort. "There will be two distinct periods. Everything before Avengers 4 and everything after. I know it will not be in ways people are expecting.", he stated. But about that 'everything after'? He revealed that the studio has already mapped not one, not two, and definitely not just three movies after the UNTITLED Avengers movie... but TWENTY COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ONES. Calling that as a 'big plan' would be a huge understatement. Okay, assuming the pattern of releasing 3 movies per year goes on, that means we'll be getting around 6 more years of MCU after 2019. Feige wasn't kidding (he's a man of his words) when he said the studio have plans until 2025. But what will they be?

We know that a sequel to "Spider-Man: Homecoming" is set to be the third 2019 release. "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3" from James Gunn (who was recently generous enough to share his first draft while providing details regarding the second movie) will spearhead 2020, while paving way for more cosmic branches. Scott Derrickson probably had already signed up a directorial return to do a sequel of "Doctor Strange" in the same year, opening the portals to more multidimensional journeys. Both "Black Panther" and "Captain Marvel" will most definitely get sequels. Perhaps, we'll get another bromancing Thor and Hulk by Taika Waititi as follow-up to his "Thor: Ragnarok", while Tessa Thompson unites with the other female heroes for an "A-Force" adaptation. And then a cosmic movie featuring Adam Warlock because he might NOT be in "Vol. 3". That's EIGHT... what about the remaining DOZEN then? LOL. A solo movie for the popular Ms. Marvel, or a live action version of "Young Avengers"? Those would be DOPE. Not to mention, that number most likely does NOT include Marvel characters currently under FOX and/or SONY. Imagine what would happen if Disney ends up merging with FOX!

One thing for sure, Marvel Studios' movies are here to stay! Meaning we'll still some great fun times at the theatre for several years ahead. So what are you waiting for... celebrate the 10th year, and speculate on!!!

Marvel TV

The 5th season of Marvel's "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." will premiere in just a few days from now on Friday, December 1st 2017 08.00PM EST. In order to amp up the hype and anticipation level, Marvel TV had released an official extended trailer to give audience a glimpse of what to expect. And if that's not enough, they have also published the debut episode's first 17 minutes on Youtube. In case both clips weren't obvious enough, the setting is in space, and all but one (Fitz! Who else?) active members of Clark Gregg's Phil Coulson's team are trapped in a galactic prison or some sort. Fans of the show only need to wait a bit longer for their beloved characters' return.

As for me? That extended trailer has totally convinced me... to SKIP this season entirely. No, this is not a drill. Hmmmm.... I don't know how, but I guess because this looks... redundant? The prospect of going interstellar felt engaging and promising when the previous season ended. But things have changed in the months after, when new space-themed series like "Star Trek: Discovery" and "The Orville" debuted and gained attention. Including yours truly. I admit, in AoS' case it felt more like "Firefly" or "Star Wars", but my point remains: it's a space opera or any of its variations. And being not much of a fan to the genre, I'm already good with following just one of it this season. Care to guess which one?

Besides, good reviews and/or words of mouth don't instantly mean everyone is going to like it. Take for instance... Marvel's "Runaways". People everywhere are praising this Hulu show, yet only two episodes in, and I'm already feeling utterly... BORED by it. Many said that this show is unlike or even better than CW's "Riverdale", but I say... it's more or less the same thing (but with superpowers) or even worse. I'll give it the benefit of doubt and continue watching for a few more episodes (possibly until episode 4 or 5 out of 10), but only out of obligation to a personal quirk. Come on Hulu, just release more episodes for "The Tick" already! Anyways, the same goes for AoS. People have been saying good things about its two hours premiere, but my gut is telling me that... it's not working for me. Call me back when Mr. Lance Hunter returns, okay! *winks*

Netflix

Over on the Netflix side, Marvel's "Luke Cage" has wrapped filming. That's what the production staffs seemed to be hinting at. At the very least, it's nearing completion to pave way for other Marvel-themed shows. LOL. Considering this could be the last season for Mike Colter's Luke Cage on Netflix (with that Disney streaming service and all), this could be a bittersweet news for its fans. Oh well, let's move on...

DC Television

Speaking of dedicated streaming service, DC is already ahead of Marvel (See? DC's forte is on television, so they should just totally focus on it). Aside from the highly demanded new season for "Young Justice", and "Titans" that has gathered almost all of its core cast, a new original title has been added to its roster. Yes, coming from the producers of the short-lived "Powerless", an animated "Harley Quinn" series has already scored a 26-episodes first season! This series will be a half-hour adult action-comedy, written by the same set of guys: Justin Halpern, Patrick Schumacker, and Dean Lorey.

According to Deadline, actress Margot Robbie is the desired candidate to voice the titular character. She might not be reprising the same incarnation from the live action "Suicide Squad", but banking on her popular name would totally give benefit to DC. Of course, I personally prefer Arleen Sorkin or Tara Strong to reprise their roles from "Batman: The Animated Series", but who am I to argue. The story will focus on Harley, who after breaking up with The Joker, wants to become the criminal 'Queenpin' of Gotham. Her bestie Poison Ivy will naturally be part of the show, alongside other DC heroes and villains. Can Harley carry a whole series on her own? We'll see.

Do you want a new season for "Justice League Unlimited" in the service too? Well... keep asking DC about it, and you might get what you wish for. Hey, it worked with "Young Justice", right? Especially when voice actor Kevin Conroy himself is up to do one. Come on DC, make it happen! I just hope that it doesn't involve cancelling "Justice League Action", because it IS close to ending its first season...

Marvel vs. Capcom

Those three leaked DLC Marvel characters for "Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite" have been confirmed! Bucky Barnes / Winter Soldier, Natasha Romanova / Black Widow, and Eddie Brock / Venom will be available starting next week on December 5th, 2017. Each can be purchased separately, or directly available to those who own 2017 Character Pass. PlayStation 4 players have been given exclusive opportunity to test out these characters through a free demo during the weekend. You can check out the official announcement trailer on Youtube.

As I said last month, these characters are pretty much... redundant. However, all three have devoted fanbase thanks to the live action movies, so perhaps CAPCOM is trying to attract their attention? I must say though, seeing Bucky's cybernetic metal arm changing from left to right in between scenes is pretty disturbing. It's excusable for a 2D fighting game (because developer would refrain from creating different data for left and right sides of a character), but this is supposed to be 2,5D right? Can't they do it proportionally in this method?

Naturally, the snowball didn't stop with these characters and has continued to roll. As soon as they are confirmed, talks and rumors regarding MORE characters have begun surfacing. Claims on Reddit and other outlets have brought variety of names as potential 2nd Season DLC characters. They include: Star-Lord, Ms. Marvel, Green Goblin, Wolverine, Cyclops, Psylocke, Magneto, Storm, Deadpool, Doctor Doom, and Daredevil from the Marvel side; Asura, Lady, Gill, Rashid, Captain Commando, Nina, Deis, Regina, Gene, Vergil, Akuma, and Apollo Justice from the CAPCOM side.

Many of those names have been openly thrown around, but among them are several characters who have been reported by multiple sources. According to Youtuber Maximilian, there are 5 names with a solid match between various sources, with 1 other one in question. So yeah, just like the first line of DLC, it might be 6 characters... but in an opposite pattern, as this one will contain 2 Marvel character and 4 CAPCOM ones. The Marvel side is said to herald Star-Lord and Ms. Marvel, while the CAPCOM side will bring fan-favorite Asura, "Street Fighter III" big boss Gill, and "Devil May Cry" Lady. The last character might be either "Street Fighter V" Rashid, "Dino Crisis" Regina, or "Ace Attorney" Apollo Justice, because the sources didn't seem to be in agreement about it. This report came along a potential 2 vs 2 co-op gameplay rumored to be available in Summer next year.

Just for the sake of speculation, let's talk about them! Star-Lord? Another pretty redundant Marvel character. But I understand if they want to bank on him due to his popularity on the big screen. Ms. Marvel is a fantastic choice, even if she's pretty much the Marvel version of former MvC roster, Dhalsim. Asura is also a great choice, considering the fans already went wild over that "Asura's Wrath" DLC that pitted him against Evil Ryu. Gill is an interesting addition that makes good sense, since it's pretty unlikely to see him showing up in "Street Fighter V". Rashid is similar to Ms. Marvel, because he works by adding much needed diversity to the game... aside from being a cool wind-powered fighter. Apollo Justice, and Regina will be a clone version of Phoenix Wright, and Black Widow/Jill Valentine respectively, while Lady practically serves as the female versions of Dante and/or Vergil. Personally, I would rather the last character be Rashid, but Apollo will bring his unique style that (similar to Phoenix) separates him from the other fighters.

In the end, these are just rumors with no certainty that it's going to be accurate or not. For now, let's just enjoy the three DLC characters already available in the game, as we wait for three more to arrive very soon. Don't forget that CAPCOM can always stretch the second set for almost a year after... *sigh*

Street Fighter

Yeah, you did catch the jabs I threw CAPCOM above right? Because we all know the both seasons of DLC characters for "Street Fighter V" took an entire year to release, eventhough there were only SIX each. The last one for Season 2 has only arrived last month, even if we probably have been teased about it since last year.

Of course... when the dust settles, a new wind blows. The topic of the game has since shifted towards... "Arcade Edition" and 3rd Season DLC. Inline with its half-brother in the category above, a slew of rumors regarding 6 more characters have begun dropping throughout message boards. The same leaker who posted the potential characters for "Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite", stated two things that some people have found to be... rather conflicting.

The first one headcounted Sagat, Sakura Kasugano, Cody Travers, Sodom, and two newcomers (who could either be "Final Fight" Roxy, or a Shadaloo member). This one COULD be considered credible because many other sources have been singing similar tune. For example, dataminer X-Kira claimed that Sagat, Sakura, and Neo Shadaloo (Ed's team member on his Story Mode) are three of the DLCs. Flowtron (the user who successfully leaked the entire Season 2 characters) mentioned a somewhat different set: Sagat, Sakura, Blanka, "Mayor", "Another Bae", and "President". But the user also warned, that they no longer had connection with CAPCOM, that even they couldn't be sure of their own statement. LOL. At the very least, if the Red Bull Battle Grounds was any indication, then Sakura has pretty much been officially confirmed.

The second part of the leak claimed that four characters; namely Crimson Viper, Q, Necro, and Oro; will be available as free characters for the Arcade Edition's free update. Flowtron has debunked this, saying it's not true. Youtuber VesperArcade commented that while the previous names made sense, these free ones sound rather unlikely. He argued that to pull this off, it would require CAPCOM to make all four character available when the update is launched on January 16th, 2018. And the company doesn't really have a good track record in developing things quickly. Remember when the first set of DLC mostly ran out of its initial schedules? Beside, CAPCOM would have announced this kind of update in advance, to ensure that players who have purchased the vanilla "Street Fighter V" be pleased... and not complaining. But there's no such thing about it until now.

To be honest, I'm merely talking about this because I'm excited about the probability of seeing my champ Cody back in a Street Fighter game. If he IS part of the 3rd Season, that gives me more reason to purchase the game... as soon as I get a PlayStation 4 or a strong enough PC. LOL.

Moving on from rumors, CAPCOM have also released official information. Eventhough there were some concerns about the promised secondary V-Skills and Critical Arts, the company confirmed that every character will indeed receive one among other new stuffs. And to prove that, they even released an official trailer (available in Japanese as well) to showcase them in action, with a note saying "Street Fighter V players will receive the free Arcade Edition update. In addition to an all-new Arcade Mode and new monthly challenges via Extra Battle Mode, every character will receive a second V-Trigger attack. These are but just a few to get you thinking of new possibilities for 2018 and beyond…". Here's hoping this update will boost or rekindle interest for the title among fans and gamers in general.

Meanwhile, "Puzzle Fighter" had launched for iOS and Android last week. The free for download puzzle game should be available worldwide with a new look and new features. If you ask me, it actually feels more like a "Capcom All Star" game, because of those other characters from non-"Street Fighter" titles. I guess that is expected to appeal wider demographics, huh? You can download the App game on your smartphone right away to try it, or you can watch the launch trailer on Youtube to get a visual taste.

The King of Fighters

Looks like we'll be getting another update for "The King of Fighters XIV". Following the result of a social media design contest that took place last month, SNK Corps will soon add two things. A Saudi Arabian-themed fighter named Najd, created by designer Mashael Al-Barrak from Saudi Arabia, and a modern day Masmak Fort stage, created by Oman designer Zainab Al-Lawaty. It's currently unclear when they will be added to the game, but I hope SNK will also expand the roster with more characters. Now if only SNK would hold a similar contest in my country...

Nintendo

To wrap up this month's final R-N-D, we have some happy news from Nintendo. The company's popular and highly praised "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild", has scored several wins at the Golden Joystick Awards in UK. The open world RPG won 'Ultimate Game of the Year', as well as 'Best Audio', 'Critic's Choice Award', and 'Nintendo Game of the Year'.

While the alternate reality "Pokemon Ultra Sun & Ultra Moon" hit the market, its original titles "Pokemon Sun & Moon" also won the 'Handheld/Mobile Game of the Year'. These titles could be the reason why the game developer itself got crowned as 'Studio of the Year'. This award relied exclusively on public votes, which means Nintendo has gained a truly positive buzz this year. And that's before the equally praised and critically acclaimed "Super Mario Odyssey" could take part in. Could we see the Zelda and Mario game pit against each other in future Awards? I believe that would be the case.

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